The daddy thing is a massive red flag imo. Not the fact that he is into it of course, but the fact that he wouldn't take no for an answer. Informed and enthusiastic consent is extremely important for any kind of intimacy, and things that go into BDSM territory can be dangerous, or they can bring up trauma or just general strong negative emotions. Age play especially is something that I imagine a lot of people (myself included) are very uncomfortable with, even if they don't have any related traumas. Him insisting so vehemently on it and ignoring the fact that his partner didn't enjoy it is so, so alarming to me.
Right?! I totally agree! Like, how many people have been sexually assaulted by someone older than them?!?! I respect that there are people who are into age play, among other things that I would never do, but if 2 people are playing that and are totally enthusiastically into it, so be it!
Just wanted to comment that daddy kink isn’t always to do with age play. But I 100% agree with everything else. Consent is revokable. And not taking no for an answer and pressuring your partner into doing things they are not comfortable with, you are getting into straight up assault territory
Exactly, if you’re on a date and you notice them being overly pushy and stubborn, has to get their own way, it’s best to leave. They’re seeing how easy it is to break you/ establish their dominance.
The person pointed out that she had been humoring him on this for a while before she decided to stop. I agree that she has every right to do so without having to worry about being coerced into continuing to use the term! If she is no longer comfortable with it, she absolutely shouldn't do it. But this was clearly something that provided him some type of gratification during their sexy time, so she should also be practical about the fact that her decision can alter their dynamic in a way that he is no longer satisfied with. I cringe at the whole "daddy" thing, so I don't blame her. It seems like it could alter their connection, which might be good for her (from a purely outside-looking-in perspective), but the point is that there seems to be some relationship complexity to the issue that she might not be preparing for, and if his kink becomes his priority instead of respecting her decision to NOT use the term, she should be ready to bounce.
As someone interested in hat whole sort of thing, I’d like to say that the boyfriend was absolutely an asshole. The entire point behind BDSM and all its aspects involves consent. As soon as anyone revokes consent, you stop. It’s quite simple. It doesn’t matter if they were the one who initiated it, it doesn’t matter if you were enjoying it, you don’t pressure them into continuing. If they want or need to stop, and you keep going, that could be considered as non-consensual sex. For milder things like name calling that doesn’t involve actual physicality, it probably wouldn’t hold up in a legal setting, but it’s still just wrong and breaking boundaries. God, obviously that boyfriend wasn’t wrong for feeling upset about the seemingly abrupt change, but guilting and pressuring OP into doing it? That’s just over the line.
Last one: if she called her a disgusting fat whale then she would be the asshole. I feel "chunky" is on the same level as "toothpick", especially if you have already stated you don't like it. Sometimes someone needs to get the tables turned in them. It's rude, but situationally I think she's NTA.
I personally think “Chunky” is the same level as “skinny” while “toothpick” is the same level as “whale” or something. Cunky and skinny are tecnically descriptors, whale and toothpick is overexagerating by comparing to an object or an animal.
i feel like to avoid stooping to their level i wouldve just been like “how would feel if i made fun of you for your weight” and it would have the same effect. If it still didnt then I would feel justified in calling them chunky
@@anunwantedsoul3672 yes but what else could she have done? she tried every other route to get it resolved and none of them turned out, this was a last resort.
@@sonyamohe "how would you feel if I " never works. people don't listen to that and they don't take it seriously. if she asked her repeatedly to stop and she didn't listen she clearly doesn't care and I think its silly to assume that she would have some sudden realisation because of that when she was repeatedly told it was upsetting her.
As a life long overweight person who used to 'skinny shame' others throughout highschool, I would have learnt a LOT earlier that it was wrong if some had said chunky back to me. Especially if they tried to explain it and my young dumb self didn't get it. They are NTA!
The FIRST use is a fine "taste of your own medicine". The threat to keep doing it, might be what tips it over the edge, though. It seems like the grown up thing to do would be to take the co-worker aside and go: "You know how I said it upset me when you call me 'toothpick'? Well, I wanted to illustrate how that makes me feel. Based on your reaction, I can see weight is a sore spot for you too. Can we just agree not to talk about each other's weight anymore?" No guarantee it would WORK, of course. But worth a try.
If my best friend from grade 8 wasnt a 00 crying to gain weight i wouldnt have understood. It took her grabbing my thighs and her wishing hers would touch for me to understand.
If someone asks you not to call them a certain name, then be respectful and don't use that name. If you can't find it in yourself to do that, then you can't claim you deserve that respect with which you deny others.
You seem to be conflating kinks with being trans and it's honestly so disgusting i can't even begin with it. It is a word for her to call him so no she doesn't get to dicate what he is allowed to be called, she doesn't have to consent to doing it but it's not news to her that he likes it and both she and ahaba re seriously kink shaming. I think you had the right idea you just tidnt seem to realise that the argument you were making are for the other side of the equation But since trans people are just kinksters to you maybe you should go to therapy
Within the BDSM community is a kind of Dom/sub relationship which includes role play along those lines. However, it is usual in a ''Daddy Dom''/little girl (or other gendered equivalent/variation) relationship that BOTH parties are aware, consenting and presumably happy with this type of relationship dynamic. Not kink-shaming, but if the bf wants a DD/lg relationship, maybe he should look for someone who is also into this. OP is NTA.
Little girl is disturbing. I don't agree with BDSM but I won't go into why it's irrelevant to my comment. The use of girl is creepy and implies pedophilia even if it wasn't intentional.
Yep, exactly. The phrase "Your kink is not my kink" comes to mind. Boyfriend wasn't wrong to ask for it - but OP tried it, didn't like it, and absolutely has a right to withdraw consent. I think OP deserves a few props for trying something new to please a partner, too, because a lot of people are very skittish about kink and have a hard time talking about it. She respected his kink by not shaming it and being willing to explore and talk about it, and by dismissing her feelings about not wanting to do it anymore he took the "power imbalance" dynamic from beyond kink to simply not respecting her wishes as being as important as his.
I have been the OP in my own situation: tried some BDSM stuff my then-husband was into. But then realized it's really not for me. Unfortunately my then-husband became aggressive and scary and shortly thereafter I left him. (I am obviously leaving out a lot of traumatizing detail.) Long story short? Whatever floats your boat! And if the person you are with is pressuring you into something that you are not comfortable with, they may not be a safe person to be with. BOTH parties need to be consenting and wanting this kind of relationship dynamic. Ideally, OP's guy should find someone who is into the exact same kink as him.
After asking politely; after acknowledging that she would personally prefer not to be called "slim" and still not being heard and respected; after the Manager doesn't do anything......the last one is completely 100% justifiable and absolutely NTA.
If I wanted to do something special to honor my significant other on our wedding day and she got angry with me saying that I was trying to steal the spotlight and make it about my ethnicity, I would annul the marriage. I would take it as she has been hiding her racism all this time and I could only expect the disrespect to increase from now on. I can see how stressful situations can make a person snap at their loved ones, but what they choose to say in anger is revealing who they really are.
I can understand “bride stress” - often we’re left to be responsible for everything (often that’s secretly the way we want it). But why she thought his song - which was about THEM and for HER - was stealing her limelight is beyond me. I suspect there are big problems coming.
I beleive that just because youre an asshole doesn't make you wrong, for example, the last story. If she tried everything sane to make her stop and she wouldn't stop, she tried getting support from others to get her to stop and that didn't work, then sometimes you have to be an asshole to finally get them to stop. I think your ESH is valid but OP being an asshole was justified. who knows maybe this makes me a bad person but I think sometimes being an asshole to someone is justifiable when you have tried everything else.
I agree because the context of the name calling is completely different: the coworker is bullying the OP without reason whereas OP is just using the name calling to change the perspective of the coworker and get her to stop. It's like how we can justify violence in self defence because we understand that the context of that violence is completely different.
Absolutely. Sometimes being an asshole to an asshole who won't stop being an asshole no matter how much you ask nicely is totally justifiable. The only other option really in that situation is to completely cut off all communication with her co-worker.
Yeah, I understand why she chose ESH, but I do believe that there was no other way for OP to get her co-worker to stop. Something similar happened to me, with my brother, who was always obsessed with commenting on my food intake. And I do know it must be because he's insecure about his weight, but he never listened when I asked him to stop. I literally get anxious about certain foods because of him. When I was in highschool I even cried every time I was going to make eggs because he never stopped bullying me because of it. And it got to a point in which I became obsessed with counting calories after he told me: "wow, I would be obese if I ate like you". And he really thought that was an appropriate thing to say...until I said it to him the following week. And now...I no longer got any comments on my food intake, and it's been a couple of years since that. It was the best choice I could ever make, honestly
As someone who has an extremely heavy period and has bled through many pants, furniture, and sheets the period story is ridiculous. When I met my bf in person for the first time, I got my period unexpectedly and repeatedly bled through sheets during the night because my pad would move around. Everyday my bf would assure me it was fine and not my fault and help me clean the sheets and that is one of the many reasons I knew he was the person for me. I understand if blood grosses you out, but treating your partner like a dog is absolutely ridiculous. I sometimes will bring a towel to sit on if im sitting on light furniture because it makes me feel more comfortable but also like...how does he ever expect to date someone with a period? What if someone gets a cut while on the furniture? What if someone gets sick on the couch? I would absolutely break up with him for treating me that way. A partner should love and respect you not make you feel like you are unwelcome and shameful because of your bodily functions.
It was absolutely misogyny at work. Not even cuddling while on a period makes it less "neat freak" and more him thinking periods are dirty and disgusting
Have you tried period pants? Personally, I find them way more secure, absorbent and comfortable than pads, especially for sleeping. I've also recently discovered they make shorts style ones, which are even more secure.
@@hannahk1306 since starting T I don't bleed anymore 🙏🏻but I was looking into those for a while so maybe if I go off T eventually I'll look into them again
Last story: I think the first “chunky” was completely deserved. Then after, just to save my skin, I would use other words like “annoying”, “immoral”, “hypocrite”, etc
Yea, last story is totally NTA. She tried talking to her and others, NOBODY helped her, so she was well within her rights to defend herself with retaliation. It's NOT a different situation, the co-worker was asked to stop repeatedly and didn't, so it's very obvious that it's done in a malicious manner. People are allowed to defend themselves.
That last story really hit home for me. I was bullied for being underweight most of my childhood, and it was because I'm chronically ill. I've lost connections with people for sharing my experience, and have even been told by larger people that I'm triggering them when I tell them not to make fun of people's weight just because they're smaller. It is incredibly disheartening to see so much of the "body positivity" community putting down smaller bodies in order to build up larger bodies. All bodies should be loved regardless of shape and size.
You should not dish it out if you can't take it. 😡 Hate it when people act like that. She told her she had a problem with it. She put a boundary in place and she ignored it. Yes, I am that petty.
The skinny thing is really awful. I have the same problem. It's especially difficult given how long and hard I'd tried to gain weight given that anxiety gave me major appetite issues and no matter how hard I tried, I just couldn't get over about 43 kilograms. I've since managed to make it to around 46, which is huge for me. People will be like "skinny shaming isn't a thing" and then five minutes later comment "oh, aren't you eating?" or "you need to get some meat on you" or something along those lines. Even my doctor once asked "are you still taking those anti-depressants? Because you clearly haven't gained any weight" without bothering to weigh me which really hurt given that I'd only just, finally, and thanks to the anti-depressants, managed to make it out of the underweight category. A couple of kilograms might not seem like a lot, but I was really proud of myself that I was consistently eating three meals a day for the first time since childhood and actually feeling a sensation of hunger again.
@SpoonG Thank you. Still a little rough at the moment as I have other health stuff going on (a lot of chest pain), but at least my appetite is stable. I'll get there.
@@unapologeticallylizzy Don't force yourself, it will come at your own pace. 2kg is already a huge goal! Keep learning to love yourself, or at least tolerate yourself (that's what I managed to do for myself) and appreciate your achievements, even though they don't seem enough I assure you that they definitely are.
I am a plus sized woman and I am comfy in my skin but I understand that just like bigger people don't like to be called out for being big, thin or skinny people have the same concerns and issues. Let's just accept each other for the beautiful people we are and not fat or thin shame each other. I always try to put myself in their shoes. If I don't like this, maybe they don't like that. Just Be Kind. Much love to you Shaaba!
If you want to be called daddy in the bedroom, in fact if you have any preference or kink that you feel you can't live without in a relationship and your partner does not like participating in it, you don't get to demand, shame them or push! That is so incredibly awful! If it's that important to you, go and find someone that is into it, but you NEVER push someone to participate in your kink!
Thanks for that last one Shaaba. My weight (I’m 4”11 and ~40kg) has been a struggle my whole adulthood. It’s so nice to see someone recognise that “slim/skinny” isn’t actually a compliment. Love your content. Have a great day
When I was younger and still very thin the slim/toothpick/string bean names always hit me as a dog about not being woman enough (i.e. developed) and sort of a way to infantilize you. This woman was definitely trying to "put her in her place" within the workplace hierarchy and op was not here for it.
Agreed! A lot of people think because being skinny is the "beauty standard" that skinny people can't have issues with their weight and they can pick on them, which is just wrong. I'm 5ft6 and about 50kg now and I'm trying to gain more weight because I realize it affects my health. I gradually lost weight the past few years because I lost my appetite and I really wish to eat more, but it's hard. My family constantly tells me that I look anorexic and that I should eat more and it hurts, because I KNOW THAT, I don't need to be reminded of it constantly. On that note, I know my family means well, but if a stranger said stuff like this to me or made fun of me it would hurt so much more.
I am exactly the same height and weight as you and I find it quite difficult being so short at secondary school (UK) where everyone is taller but thankfully no one has ever teased me about it. I'm very used to people commenting that I'm quite short with no harm intended and I'm fine with that. I'm just like "yeah I have been my whole life!" 😅
I'm the same weight and height as you, and have been since I was 13. I've heard the things the coworker said so often. I've been trying to gain weigh since a doctor at my workplace said, he'd recommend against employing me if my BMI stays below 17 (no one except him ever cared about that ;-;). A stranger once straight up asked me if I'm bulimic :o It's so frustrating cause most people I know eat way less than me. I'm really trying, ;-;
@@tiredbooknerd I'm so sorry you're struggling with this. As someone who's always been overweight, I often thought people often fail to imagine what it's like to try to override the cues their body is sending, and eat more OR less than it's saying it needs, every day, for months and months. I hope you're in a situation where you have a primary care physician, where you can get your hormones, vitamins and minerals double-checked, and then can go on to get support. I don't know if that support you would benefit most from is a B12 injection, or therapy, advice from a dietician, or a prescribed calorie-dense foodstuff, or a medical note saying that your diet is f***ing FINE and you're cleared to work so if denied employment they can expect a call from a lawyer about the Americans With Disabilities Act. I hope whatever can smooth your path is available to you. Take care, and best of luck xx
I am DYING at the grandma thing, I need my partner to see this video! lmao But seriously, at the end of the day, if it makes one partner uncomfortable then the other needs to respect that boundary.
THANK YOU for your take on the fact that skinny people, particularly very skinny people, get picked on a lot because of their weight too. It's so multifaceted too of 1) everyone feels like they're "allowed" to comment on your weight because you're not fat 2) on a PERSONAL level (even if skinny people don't face the same systematic discrimination), the insults still hurt just as much, and 3) when you are thin, particularly a thin young woman, that is all you EVER hear about why you are "attractive." No matter how body positive you are, if people have made it VERY CLEAR your entire life that your thinness is what they assign the most value to, that does Damage.
I wasn’t made fun of for being skinny when I was younger, just short (I’m 5’1” l and was always undersized as a child) but while people assigned it “positive value”, complimenting my thinness, it actually led to some disordered eating patterns for me later on in life since at a certain point in adulthood, my only value or positive trait was my thinness and I wanted to be even thinner.
Yes thank you! I have really bad body issues bc when I was younger everyone always commented on how skinny I am so now I feel like I always have to be the skinniest Person in the room everywhere I go bc it was such a big part Of what people noticed about me.
"even if skinny people don't face the same level of systematic discrimination" As a skinny person myself, I have most definitely faced discrimination because of it. Not in the same way that an overweight person might, but it was still discrimination. Being skinny and conventionally attractive is exactly why my autism, ADHD, celiac, epilepsy, etc wasn't diagnosed a long time ago. I'm just now getting them diagnosed after having to really push and advocate for myself as an adult. I got the autism and ADHD diagnoses down. I still need to be tested for the epilepsy and celiac. According to society, skinny, conventionally attractive women don't have problems. We don't get to complain, because others have it worse. We don't get to ask for help, because we have no need for help. We don't get to speak about the discrimination and stereotypes we face, because we don't experience any negative stereotypes or discrimination. Or at least this is what a lot of people have told me, even if not in those exact words. Even when you know in your very core that these people are wrong, it wears you down after hearing it over and over again, often completely unwarranted. People set me up as their ideal. They didn't care about my person so much as their perception of my person. My true self did not fit the image of me they had in their heads, so my true self didn't exist to them. That's incredibly damaging, especially when you are disabled and no one will listen. It was even more damaging when it was my doctors who were doing it.
@@CeruleanStar Yes! I’m pretty sure we’re in agreement on this, but the way this is phrased made think that maybe you’re trying to disagree with me? By “same level” I meant, and said, that thin people face discrimination for their weight. Weight is an “everyone loses” game with people at both extremes facing systematic oppression. My point was not that very thin people are not discriminated against, because I fully agree, we are. My point WAS however, that the type, level, and severity of discrimination that fat people face on a systematic level is worse, and that’s both okay to acknowledge, and personally important to me to acknowledge. I hope that clarifies because it seemed like you were disagreeing with the quote by quoting it, but everything you said is right on with what I’m saying
@@Phrancieee I don't fully disagree, but I guess I disagree with it being worse for those on the other side of the weight spectrum as myself. Given, I'm not saying I have it worse, just that I don't think either of us do. Just different. I didn't mean to be contentious, I'm just give a different point of view. I know my experience isn't going to be the same as most people who are skinny, as I have disabilities and illnesses that play a huge roll in how being skinny has affected my life, but just as it is important for you to admit that people who fall on the overweight side have it worse than yourself, it is important for me to admit just how much discrimination I've faced because of how I look, as people who look like me don't have their disabilities and illnesses recognized or respected if they have them, and I definitely have them. There is an autistic creator named Paige Layle that talked about how pretty privilege has hurt her more than it has helped as an autistic individual. While I don't agree with everything she says as an influencer, her description of how pretty privilege has given her far more cons than pros has been my experience as well. It's a difficult topic to explain, and in my experience, a difficult topic for people to receive. Even you tried to clarify that people who are overweight still have it worse. I know it wasn't your intention to minimize my experiences, but I ask you to trust me that for myself, being thin and conventionally attractive has hurt me far more than helped, and to a degree that has significantly affected the quality of my life for years. The stereotypes and discrimination surrounding my looks has brought about some extremely dark times in my life. It's hard to explain just how difficult it is to desperately need help for disabilities and illnesses only to not be believed because of how you look. I definitely have PTSD surrounding it. All this said, I really hope I haven't come across as confrontational. I thank you for bringing up your views and experiences, as doing so only ever helps people learn more about each other. It helps us all be more empathetic and understanding as people, and I greatly appreciate your sharing your views on this topic :)
The last story is nta, i mean outside of the workplace harrassment about weight and all the issues of unpacking beauty standards, its COMPLETELY dehumanizing to be refered to as things like "toothpick" instead of your name
Boyfriends/husbands that don't understand periods and/or don't have empathy for their partners need to be educated because unfortunately societal norms paint a very negative picture of the process without prioritizing acceptance of one of the most natural things one can go through.
I'm disagreeing with you on the last one. I personally think it was justified after she said that she can say whatever she wants. Edit: Just came back after four days and woah, didn't expect to get so many likes and comments. I read them all and want to thank y'all for being so civilized while discussing your opinion.
Same. If this is a job she intends to keep for any length of time, she did everything she could to handle it respectfully. She attempted to settle things through appropriate channels, she tried a one x one conversation and this person blatantly told her that they would continue to disrespect her.. what options did she have? Continue to be belittled and disrespected every day.. 8 hours a day 40 hours a week. No, I think her actions are completely justified.
I would add to this in just like we may not know if the person who is heavier set has a medical problem that they are struggling with, the slimmer person could also have that problem. And I have been there to comfort someone in tears because they were told to put some “meat on their bones” and she has been struggling for decades just to keep up to the weight she was due to a medical condition. I think this one is another taste of your own medicine moment.
Bullies are bullies, and the only way to shut one down is a taste of their own medicine. “Slim” is not the asshole; she literally tried everything else, and additionally got zero help from anyone else; she did what she had to.
The boss definitely should've helped more in this situation. Personally, I don't think that it was okay that she said what she did. Being hurt (and in this case harassed) doesn't mean you get to do the same back to them that being said...OP did try to communicate in a healthy way first and that didn't work so I definitely acknowledge the limited options
Oh, the last one really hit hard. I have been struggling with my weight for the past couple of years and there have been friends, relatives, and strangers that called me or compared me to so many things, some of which really hurt, such as "Barbie doll", "skeleton", "anorexic", "heroin addict" and once even "Holocaust surviver" (this one truly, truly shocked me and I cried for hours afterwards). People think that when someone is skinny, you are free to say whatever you want about them, but these things do burrow under a person's skin and they fester there; there is no way this can be taken as a compliment. Thank you, Shaba. Whenever you talk about the issue of weight and body image, it really makes me feel like I am not as alone in my struggle as I sometimes feel.
The period one- that is the most juvenile behavior I’ve ever heard regarding periods, he is being a child and I would absolutely 100% break up with someone just over that. If one conversation isn’t enough to get him to understand, that is way too big of a red flag to ignore. The last one, I don’t really think what she said was that bad considering she already asked not to be addressed by her body type and was told “I can say what I want.” You don’t even need to be at all insecure about yourself to be uncomfortable with someone constantly referencing your body. Like even if she doesn’t care if she’s skinny, doesn’t consider it an insult, I can still see her thinking it’s really weird to constantly be bringing it up like that and making it her label.
Also a lot of women have period for like a 4rth of the month, every month...thats like 25% of your time together that sucks and where he is disrespecting you
I think the last one was justified and that if the roles were reversed no one would be calling OP one of the AHs. Imagine if someone was called fatty or chunky every day at work and tried to resolve it peacefully but the bullies didnt listen and kept calling them fatty, and so they retort by calling the bully slim or skinny or toothpick. In that case, would most people think the overweight person who was just defending themselves from bullying is an AH? I dont think so. I think this bias comes from the fact that mocking someone for being overweight is perceived as way harsher than mocking someone for being underweight. And to be fair its true, although underweight people experience bullying and harassment too, there are few groups of people that are more dehumanized and despised as overweight people (especially overweight women). So whiIe I get why this bias exists, the core is still the same: The OP was just defending themselves and they didnt resort to name calling immediately, they asked nicely for the bully to stop and was left with no other option. So I'd say NTA.
*edited for 1) forgetting to add something 2) grammar* The period one boils my blood! What in the world?! Dude clearly has some sort of issue with periods - the 'no cuddling' is proof of that! Misogyny at its best. She needs to dump the whole idiot. Side note: the look really suits you! It's like your skin, but better. Love it!
The period and sheets one sounds more to me like it’s little to do with periods and something else is going on regarding material goods, control, (in addition to lack of understanding about bodily function),……. It’s such an odd and extreme response that it goes beyond just being an arse about something and into needs counselling and treatment. It won’t go away and will extend into other areas of life.
just like OP in the last post, im also 5’9 and 115 pounds, and I definitely related to their post. Weight has been an issue of mine for my whole life, and those phrases of “you need more meat on your bones” have been said to me more times than i can remember. thank you for acknowledging the struggles on the other side, love to shaaba 💞
Story 1: Dump her, for her to return a romantic gesture with accusing you of 'taking the spotlight' and 'enforcing your ethnicity' at your own wedding really shows how little she respects you. Story 2: Dump him, he clearly cares more about his sexual kinks than your consent/comfort. Story 3: Dump him, it's either about periods or about control, if it was about cleanliness the sheets would be there all the time. If it's about periods then he's clearly too immature for a serious relationship and if it's about control that's even worst. Story 4: Not the asshole but I suggest you get a different job because the harassment will only get worst. (Then return as a customer and call her chunky ... just kidding.)
the last one hit me. there has been a couple times now at my work where CUSTOMERS refer to my weight. an older lady told me to "not lose anymore weight" when i don't actively seek out weightloss anymore (i have struggled with disordered eating in the past), and another woman complimented the skirt i was wearing and then said "well of course it looks good on you, you're so thin". it is NOT okay to comment on ANYBODYS weight. the first lady told me that she meant it as a compliment when i challenged her on it. it made me feel really shitty about myself. in the last post, i do agree with Shaaba's verdict of ESH, but even though OP was kind of an asshole by stooping down to her coworker's level, i think it was kind of justified. it wasn't the first thing she responded with, she took the steps to appropriately address the issue, and when nothing else worked, i probably would have done the same thing. it doesn't make it okay, and OP is an asshole, but i'm not really mad about it? i don't know. its tricky
Regarding the last one: I experienced it personally multiple times! I agree that fat shaming is way worse than thin shaming, since thin privilege is a thing and fat people struggle a lot in life because their weight and their bodies are always a matter of discussion, plus society stigmatizes and belittles them just for it, and it's horrible. My parents were obese until a couple of years ago, when my dad had a heart attack and they both lost weight (my dad had to, and my mum was having knee issues, so she decided to follow). Buuuuuut... I have always been on the skinny side of the spectrum, because of nature and a formerly undiagnosed celiac disease, I also have been suffering from a restrictive ED for the last 20 years (now in recovery). My life has been plagued by people, sometimes even close friends, who commented on my appearance assuming that I was an a-hole just because I was scrawny with protruding bones. I've been recently called fatphobic BECAUSE of my ED (which comes from trauma and BPD, not from appearance issues), and I've lost count on how many times I've been insulted as an "an****ic b**ch", completely at random. It's not OK to comment on anyone's weight, and I always try to make this point, but mostly I get the same reaction as OP's coworkers. It's sad.
That's so fucked up :( I am sorry. I'm an overweight person and have had horrible fat jokes tossed my way. Was buying groceries in the store and the person next to me said, "Oh you're hungry today..." (Looking at my soups cans I was buying...yes they were 6 cans of soup.) Ignored them only for them to turn to the other person and say to him after he picked up his lighter he had bought, "You might wanna be more concerned about your sandwich around this one." I was dealing with extreme depression and I tell you that nearly tipped me over the edge of SH and S that night. I can't imagine doing that to someone else no matter what they are struggling with nor look like. It's so fucked up.
@@StudlyFudd13 Shit Im sorry that happened to you. I'd be tempted to ask him if he wanted a can of soup through his teeth, but I'm a bit confrontational, which isnt always the best. I hope both of you are doing alright today
I get you so much. I also struggle with an ED (been doing it for a decade now…) and I absolutely hate when people comment on my weight. I get triggered a lot and I end up spiralling. I don’t think it matters if the OP had an ED or not, since her co-worker didn’t know. It’s messed up, and I probably would have snapped too if I tried everything to make it stop but they didn’t. Lately when I had enough I just state “Yeah I have an ED, thanks for ruining my day” and they ALL become silent and awkward. No matter if the comment was “positive” or negative. I’m fed up.
The ironic thing about the period one is that the boyfriend takes "precautions" (which wouldn't work anyway) when she is ON her period. She is FAR more likely to bleed on something when/if it starts unexpectedly.
I love the daddy one, OP did such a good job of making their point 😂honestly, the daddy thing creeps me out too. I'm into a lot of BDSM stuff, but ageplay is one that terrifies the f*ck out of me due to past trauma, and I just could not feel safe with a partner in that dynamic. There are so many other ways to express one particular person being in (consensual) control in the relationship.
This is what I was thinking - did OP object to the language choice or to the whole power dynamic or both? Because there are many options for language and many options for power dynamics as well.
How in the world is calling anyone slim or toothpick instead of using their names is a compliment? If OP asked nicely several times and her coworker didn't stop, the coworker absolutely deserved it. If the diplomatic way didn't work, and if her manager doesn't want to intervene, she's in her right to stop it however she sees fit, IMO, because otherwise the bullying won't stop. I also think it's very hypocritical of the coworker, because she knows very well she's doing this out of malice, but can't take the same thing. As you said, freedom of speech is not freedom of consequences, and if a person is mean to others, they should be prepared to be treated the same way once in a while, because not all of their victims are going to endure the abuse in silence.
The way that skinny-shaming comments are considered acceptable because it's "what people want" is so exhausting especially for those growing up around the time (and maybe country) I did because while I was in highschool, this wasn't the case - "too fat" was bad, and so was "too skinny" - the ideal was curvy, with a big butt and boobs, the way a "real woman" is "supposed to look". I still struggle with the idea that a "woman body" can come in so many different shapes and sizes, and still feel like my body is not unattractive and not a "woman body", at 22 years old. I'm shaped like an 8 year old boy ffs. I feel like I missed out on what it's like to have boobs. Got comments ranging from comparing me to a little boy, to a skeleton, and never felt attractive in my body, not to mention the uncomfortable comments or questions about my eating habits (I've always eaten plenty I was just born like this). The women/girls that guys found attractive, none of them looked like me. I hide in baggy clothes and would change how I looked if I could. And I know people on the other side of it felt that way too. I just wish at the very least we wouldn't attack each other.
Maybe the difference between the Daddy/Grandma situation and the Slim/Chunky one is the nature of the relationships. Having a partner or s/o sometimes involve having difficult and uncomfortable conversations that lead to a stronger bond o even to the realization that it's not working out. It's by definition personal, and although that does make us feel more vulnerable, it helps you understand your partner's values and emotions. In a work place relationship you are not looking to create a bond necessarily (although it can happen). At work you are just aiming to maintain surface level interactions safe enough to work and get your money. You don't have to be friends with your coworkers (although its nicer when you can). As long as you're being productive, you can set your boundaries and just not talk to a coworker who is being abusive. With time, they get the point.
Yes this is what I was thinking. The relationships and situations are very different. Also when op called herself grandma, it was not an insult and it was referring to herself. That is different to insulting someone. I think if I was in the daddy situation and my partner hadn't stopped referring to himself as daddy after we had had a conversation I would seriously consider breaking up with him. It's important to me to have a partner who listens to me and that I engage in informed and consensual sex/sexual situations. If I was in the coworker situation, I would have said something like well how would you feel if I referred to you only as a word referring to your weight and not your name? And if that didn't work I'd probably get a mediator/lawyer in or quit.
12:47 if this person is in the US, freedom of speech just means that the government isn't allowed to impressing you for speaking against it. Which we know they will just do it for some other reason if they're dedicated to it.
In my 20's I got really sick and became very very underweight. It was gross and I looked like I was dying. People would ask if I had cancer or aids ( this was the 90's) I was really sensitive about my weight and wa starting to rebuild muscle. A larger cousin of mine would make cruel jokes about folding me I to a child sized coffin and much worse. Everyone laughed even when I would cry and leave. I finally got her to stop by moaning loudly while eating desserts or juicy items. I would be absolutely obscene about it. In the end I either wasn't invited to family events or no one would comment on my weight. Win win.
I’ve never (fortunately) been bullied for being skinny, but I have had people tell me they envied me, thinking it was a compliment, or “wished they had my problem” if I talked about the health issues that lead to/resulted from being very thin. While I recognize the societal place it comes from, it still feels pretty bad, like because I’m thin, my issues aren’t seen. Especially when doctors dismiss my weight loss because everyone’s taught that losing weight is a good thing. That said. While I like to think I wouldn’t call a fat person names in return, because I think it’s not the same given the societal bullying of heavier people… man if someone was doing that to me, and I’d tried to be nice about it, I’d be mad as hell. I really can’t blame the last OP one bit.
Thank you for recognizing that people can be mean to thin people too. I used to be naturally underweight, which is normal in my family. I got a lot of comments about not eating enough, being too thin, having an eating disorder, etc. Nearly every doctor's visit started with a series of questions clearly trying to determine whether I had an eating disorder. The comments made me extremely insecure about how thin I was. All I wanted was to have curves and look "normal", but I couldn't gain weight, no matter what I did. People don't seem to understand that skinny people can actually get bullied for being "too skinny" and it really hurts.
As a person who was thin growing up and then got very sick and dangerously thin and who still struggles with weight, the last one made me angry. I always receive comments like the OP. Those comments used to crush me and just remind me of how sick I was. Like, I was literally dying, and people kept telling me to eat a cheeseburger or saying 'oh, I wish I had that disease so I could be skinny too'. Like, what?! Even people who knew I was sick. It seriously baffles me and I guess speaks to how much larger people are demonized in society that everyone thinks thin=healthy when it doesn't. You just never know what someone is going through and no one should comment on someone's weight. Which kinda contradicts what I'm going to say next lol, but personally, I don't think she was an asshole. It's like if someone keeps punching you, you tell them to stop, and then they want to cry when you punch them back? Violence should never be the answer, but they learned not to hit you again.
Not sure I'm going to say this right. But can you imagine how bad society has made some feel about their bodies that they would wish for the extreme of a potential fatal disease just to get to a size they're accepted? Society needs to get healthier in its mindset about beauty standards. No one should be made fun of for their body's appearance.
Does the boyfriend who's terrified of periods realize that about half the population gets them from their tweens to their 50s (give or take a few years)? If the flow was that difficult to handle you would see blood in public spaces a lot more frequently. Especially when you consider that it's pretty common to get caught by surprise by a period.
Also if he has such an issue with it why on earth buy white furniture. Does he not allow guests in his house ever? It's just so wild to me. Even on the rare times I've leaked, it's usually only in bed while sleeping, and there are things to mitigate leaks like wearing a period panty with a pad, which is what I do and haven't had a leak since. Even without that, pulling out the towels are wild.
The last one potentially would have done better to phrase it as a hypothesis, such as explaining to her colleague that calling her skinny and a toothpick brought up the same some of feeling as any weight shaming "such as" calling her chunky. Not necessarily a great option, but a better chance of making the co-worker think rather then ending up in direct opposition to her, as it allows for discussion rather than an argument. However its a very difficult situation to deal with particularly given that she's already tried asking her to stop and escalated to management. It can feel like the options are either to snap back or just be walked all over.
There's no argument with what OP did She either stops calling her slim or she gets called chunky It's a choice not an argument. Getting into comparing being fat shamed and skinny shamed is where you're going to leave yourself open to arguments imo. Also OP did not position herself opposed to anyone, somebody singled her out.
@@FrancisR420 Thank you for replying, I think we might be talking cross purposes. I meant "argument" as when the instigating party said she had freedom of speech when asked to stop and the subsequent argument with her co-workers about fat and skinny shaming that OP ended up having, rather then the exchange of insults itself. I was just noting that sometimes in difficult situations if you couch things in terms of hypotheticals, rather then directly insulting people, it can allow for cooler heads and discussion rather than inflammatory argument. Doesn't always work of course, if people perceive that they are being criticised then there is a tendency towards defensiveness and snapping back, particularly in the moment. I think that a lot of people have a knee jerk reaction to thinking that fat shaming is much worse then skinny shaming because of societal and media driven "desirable" appearance. Also because there is a combined association of weight and lack of self control or laziness, which is targeting someone's character as well as their appearance. Potentially on a group/ cultural scale that fat shaming is a bigger problem may hold some truth. But on an individual level regardless if it is fat or skinny, being called names hurts and can result in the same sort of feeling unhappy with your own body, different nuance perhaps, but equally unacceptable to be doing to someone.
The difference between those situations is that the girlfriend communicated to her partner that if he insisted on being called "Daddy", she would insist on being called "Grandma"; the last poster did not signpost to her co-worker that if she was called "Slim" again she would respond in kind. Same action, different contexts. Without communication in advance, the coworker situation reads as bullying a bully, rather than a "compromise" showing why it's not okay.
I think for the last one, she could have said to the coworker first "every time you 'compliment' me on my weight, I will 'compliment' you on yours. If you don't want comments about your body at work, don't comment on mine." Then replace "chunky" with terms that pretend to be socially ok like "zaftig" or "full-figured." Obviously the coworker wasn't intending to be complimentary because "toothpick" is not a compliment, but it would be harder for the rest of the associates to be upset if you set out the terms in advance and kept it to the realm of "positive" body attention. And yes, skinny-shaming is terrible and just because it is socially acceptable doesn't mean it's less harmful than fat-shaming.
As i child i was worried about getting enough food. As an adult, this has created an insecurity in me. If i don't have food in my house and some extra fat on my body, i get anxious about it. It's like having no savings. What if something happens? In this view, someone calling me skinny would be like pointing out that i have no savings or security. If i allowed myself to save up though, then i would feel like i'm losing against my anxiety. And then someone calling me chunky would feel like they're calling me weak and a loser. And in both cases, i would also feel objectified. To me, living as a biological being is quite disgusting and should be classified as horror. A pov that reduces me to the physical and therefore reminds me of that horror, is therefore nauseating.
For the last one, another point to add, being called by an adjective rather than your name is very dehumanising, I would get really upset about that. It's like someone constantly getting your name wrong after you correct them many times but worse. There's so much more to a person than their weight, that shouldn't be something people call you by
That last one where they said being called skinny is a compliment is BS, she clearly didn't mean it as a compliment as she also kept telling her to eat a burger.
People using slim/skinny as a complement is honestly so destructive to everyone. It sets an unhealthy and often unattainable expectation, and sets people up for situations like the last one. I don't know if I'd've done anything different from the last one except maybe quit, and that's not really an option for a lot of people. If somebody is going to completely ignore my request to stop calling me something I find offensive and I can't quit, I'm going to try to figure out how to get them to stop. Really, the only thing I can think of is warning them - "So, you can control what comes out of your mouth, yes, but from now on, if you call me anything related to my weight, I am going to respond in kind and refer to you by your weight. Your choice." On quitting though - I have quit a job because a recent hire was constantly misgendering me. Not entirely - there were also scheduling issues - but it was what pushed me over the edge.
complimenting on someones weight loss or just commenting on someones weight in general is bad. one, you never know if they might be self conscious, and two, you dont know if they lost that weight in a healthy way. you could be inadvertently praising them for starving themselves, therein encouraging them to continue their unhealthy behavior. if you compliment someone for being skinny, that also encourages fat phobia because you're implying they're worth more when they are at a lower weight
@Fern’s House also weight loss could be due to other health issues. Someone told me her cancer caused her weight loss & people kept "complimenting" her before they knew it was due to cancer. She shouldn't have to reveal her cancer to every human being to avoid them saying insensitive stuff.
That last one sucks, when i was younger I was very skinny and I constantly got called names, and then but "haha you look so goooood I'm so jealous." it made me super self conscious, they did that every time i undressed during gym and i didn't want them to look at me at all. I started eating more working out less snacking more. I'm still not overweight but I'm definitely not as fit as I used to be.
Last one ima say nta. Op tried everything to get them to stop disrespecting and belittling her, and her coworker kept doing it anyways, the boss didn’t want to help, and there’s no HR so what was she supposed to do? Put up with the abuse at somewhere she’s more than likely spending more than half of her day?? Honestly the only other thing she could’ve done was quit
I feel in the last story, it's also really the responsibility of the manager. OP wouldn't have to defend herself if he had step up. It's very easy to say to she should have found a better way to deal with it but being bullied is really hard to deal with and often, whatever you do or say has no consequences. Without support, it's often impossible to stop it. A manager is supposed to manage people. It does mean dealing with conflicts. So many manager avoid all conflicts and prefer to let things continue. In that situation, I would seek another job.
Agreed, a workplace that lets disrespectful attitudes like this just happen unaddressed will quickly devolve into toxic cliques. Or maybe it's there already, and that's part of the reason OP had so much trouble fitting in... OP needs to find a more positive workplace ASAP, because even if this particular issue gets resolved it won't be the last one.
I used to be "teased" about having an eating disorder (which I did not have) because I was very small and thin. I wasn't restricting my food, it was just that I was nauseated a lot of the time, so it could be hard for me to eat. My stomach also filled up with a fairly small portion, most days. Of course, having people staring at me, judging me, and making comments just made it worse. The "teasing" got bad enough that I became self-conscious about eating in front of people who I didn't consider "safe." One way that I knew hubs was the one was because I never had trouble eating in front of him, even on the first day we met. Years later, I found out that I have several medical conditions which caused my nearly constant stomach upset as a child. Being called skinny is not a compliment. The people who use it to be passive-aggressive know that they're not trying to make their target feel good about themself. They often get away with it, because our society has a twisted view of unhealthy bodies. 💙
The period story made me think "people with periods are not leaky ketchup packets!" But sometimes periods do make me feel like a ketchup packet or a juice box. I still agree of course though. We have enough products and knowledge to handle it and be just as clean and "normal" as anyone else. PS: Period cuddles (with consent of course,) can be a great way to keep your partner happy, just like regular cuddles.
The last one, op was really in a damned if you do, damned if you don't situation. I can see one way that could've been said more nicely, and it's a, "Hey, how would you feel if I talked to you that way? This isn't okay. Leave me alone."
This is a situation, tho, where being nice isn't something you want to do, it's not gonna work. I mean, OP did actually try being civil about it and look how that worked out for her. Being an ass here was necessary. Violence in self defence is justified
The word "body diversity" clicked for me because I have done plus size modeling & the thin models I befriended can be amazing people, who have also been hurt by shaming anyone about their body. Diet companies make billions of dollars manipulating our emotions about our bodies, while eating disorders (particularly anorexia) have the highest fatality rate of any mental disorder. The best way to make this stop is for folks to embrace their differences & even see the common ground of insecurity as a relatable emotion.
As for health concerns about fat people, I have done the research however I won't be responding to that medical debate in this comment section. It brings "all the trolls to the yard" which just increases the intensity of emotions felt, so that non-trolls get emotionally hurt.
About the boyfriend with the towels on the furniture there's one scenario I kind think of that makes it ok. That would be if he has some kind of psychological tick about cleanliness. That is a thing BUT it should a) be communicated and b) treated (with psychotherapy, by doctors, a clinic, whatever just get some help) because it can escalate horribly and ruin her and his life.
I say NTA for the last one. I've been really skinny for my whole life and used to be very under weight, always having problems gaining weight which led to other health problems. I think a lot of people underestimate how being thin and being called "twig" or "toothpick" often being meant as a joke can take a toll on someones body image.
On the last one, I think the reason why it’s assholey compared to the grandma one was that it was a personal dig, whereas the grandma one was just to prove a point. I can’t say I wouldn’t have done the same. Maybe the person had tried to rectify the issue so many times that it was warranted.
100% agree. Everyone is allowed to have their kink but that doesn't mean the other person has to fulfill it if they don't want to. But taking jabs at a person even with a reason that makes sense isn't ok. On the coworkers end: it costs nothing to be kind
I've had people comment on my weight before with being skinny. One guy said It must be nice eating anything I wanted too. I then proceeded to give him a whole list of my chronic health history. Any time a bigger person says they want my problem I give them a run down of what I went through and that I almost died. It usualy shuts them up pretty quick and I don't have to body shame then to get my point across. Just don't comment on people's weight you don't know what they are going through
But it's also not on a person to get into any of their personal history to justify not being insulted at work. Simply calling a person who insists on referencing weight "chunky" is a perfectly measured and adequate response to this situation.
The only person I will call “daddy”, as a joke, is a celebrity I like. Nathan Stocker, from hippo campus, because he literally released a song called “DADDY” and the lyrics start as “nobody calls me daddy, sadly.” And so I think it’s hilarious. And he literally had worn a shirt that says “Daddy.” On stage at a concert. That is someone I literally do not know on any personal level. That’s as far as I’ll go 🤣
It sounds like she's standing in the way of a white wedding between him and his furniture. He's standing in the way of her finding someone who loves people instead of things.
As someone who's weight struggle has always been that I'm underweight, I very much appreciate actually hearing someone touch on people having weight struggles no matter their size. I don't talk about my self image issues and other crap very much because I feel like I'm not allowed to because I'm thin. I always just get "I'd die for your body" or "but being thin is healthy." Being underweight generally isn't healthy. I'm about 100 pounds right now, when I should be around 110 - 120 to be at the lower end of a healthy weight. I'm just happy and proud of myself that I've finally managed to stay above double digits consistently, even though it's taken me about 4 or 5 years to get here. There's not as much help out there to gain weight as there is for losing weight, and I've pretty much had to trial-and-error my way to finding something that works for me.
I do think these are on par with most AITA . When it comes to the last one I would not have called her "Chunky" because, while it might be giving her a taste of her on medicine, it wasn't going to change the situation.
I'm laughing at the calling herself grandma 😂 i hope he stopped asking her to call him daddy/come to a compromise in the end tho ♡ when I first came out as trans people would call me by my "new" name (this was 10+ years ago) so I started calling them a different name and they would get annoyed about it but It eventually sorted the problem lol
I've always been a lanky kid and at first gym was fun for me! People liked taking turns giving me piggy back rides because I was so light! Then Middleschool happened and sports became a huge deal and being athletic was the key to popularity. I obviously didn't do well in sports. I was very weak and couldn't lift many things. My classmates would scream at me and tried to disclude me whenever possible. What good is physical education if no one will pass you the ball? Every loss was blamed on me and people thought of I would just "eat a hamburger" it wouldn't happen, as if my weight issues had such a simple solution and I was just too lazy to eat
That slim/chunky one: OP told her repeatedly to stop and she didn't so when OP fires back, she gets upset. That's not how it works. If you don't want people commenting on your weight, don't comment on theirs. Simple as that. If OP hadn't told her to stop or if immediately after the first time the co-worker called her slim/toothpick, she fired back with chunky I would say she was in the wrong because maybe the co-worker didn't realize that it bugged OP so much. But because she told her to stop repeatedly, OP is 100% right to fire back and maybe now the co-worker will learn not to call her slim/toothpick and hopefully won't be commenting on anyone else's weight either. I am overweight and I can't even imagine calling someone slim or toothpick, just like I can't even imagine calling someone chunky or fat. People should not be defined by their weight because everyone is so much more than that. And just like some heavier people have issues with the way their body looks, some skinnier people also have issues with the way their body looks. You never know someone's story and what you can trigger in someone by pointing out their weight regardless of whether it's skinny or fat. I have been told countless times since I was 15 (I am now almost 30) that I would look better if I just exercised and ate less and that I looked better before I gained weight. What a lot of people don't know is that I have tried it all. I've exercised. I've dieted. I've eaten less. Nothing has worked. I just kind of have to embrace it and every time I think that I am okay and have accepted it, someone will say something to me and I'll end up feeling horrible after it. On the flip side of that I have friends that would eat almost any and everything (even unhealthy junk food) in hopes that they would be able to gain weight and it just didn't work. No matter what they ate, they couldn't gain weight and they too would feel bad when people pointed it out even if it was a comment like "I really wish I was like you. I wish I could eat everything and not gain weight." It seems like a compliment, but it really bugged them. Point is, people's bodies are different and that's okay. But when people point it out, that person could end up in a downward spiral and it can cause irreparable damage. It doesn't matter whether they're skinny, healthy weight, overweight or obese. Feeling like your body just doesn't look good enough is something that is not limited to overweight and obese people. Just remember that everyone is more than just their weight.
In the 1950s, there were adverts around that helped all people to put on weight. Curves and muscles were the trend of the day back then. Funny how things change from decade to decade.
What's interesting is the phrase "call a spade a spade" I always think of as the ace of spades, not a garden spade. But you've clearly gone "that hand cleaning device, you know, a broom"
I was thin in my high school years and hated it when people told me I was skinny or made it sort of dismissive, like a “you’re skinny, what do YOU have to worry about” kind of mentality. I felt like I wasn’t allowed to have any issues/insecurities because it was like “so what, you’re skinny”. That was hurtful. I was also in the music department with a girl who was naturally very skinny, and people started rumors that she was anorexic and everything she did (or didn’t) eat was a topic of conversation. She couldn’t go into the cafeteria without people wanting to see if she ate. It can definitely be just as bad being skinny because it’s “politically correct” to make fun of someone who is thin.
As someone who was constantly told I should eat more cause I was small then get side eyed when I did stack up my plate at events, I find people so confusing. Everyone I know considers me small. I’m about 1.6m and probably 70kg now. For context, I have never been severely underweight or overweight, I have always just floated on by with a pretty consistent healthy BMI (i know it doesn’t work for all but just giving context.) with everyone saying i should eat more and then back tracking when they see me load up a plate, i feel it has affected me, like I feel crap about my excess weight now which I put on due to medication being wrong for half a year. While I hide the excess weight really well but im still incredibly self conscious about how big my thighs are and the chub I have on my stomach. But no one knows this. I don’t know. Talking about size whether it be height or weight is not something that should be an excessive nag about unless it’s fully communicated by both parties that no one is being offended by it. Do I like that people make fun of my height a lot. No but I can joke around it some times. Did I like when people would comment on how I was small and I should eat more? Absolutely not. Words have a serious effect in people. I honestly didn’t realise how much these comments affected me until I heard that last story.
Are you also autistic like me? The way you described trying to comply with people's expectations literally just resonated with me. I used to take a lot of those comments about me as literal instructions I was meant to fulfill and behaviours I was supposed to adhere to where I now realise that some of them may just have been people making unoriginal jokes or playing a role to look witty, not actually giving directives like that I needed to literally eat a certain amount in their presence for example.
On the last one: I'm a fat guy and there is absolutely an institutionalised fatphobia in most of the western world that makes body shaming of heavier people something exceptionally charged. THAT BEING SAID, there is absolutely no excuse for body shaming skinny people. To quote "Sunday in the Park with George," there is someone in this dress. We are more than just our bodies and we should absolutely treat each other as such. And I can see why OP resorted to giving her coworker a taste of her own medicine. When all else fails, sometimes you have to fight fire with fire. But it's important to explain that afterwards in order to reach a consensus and create a healthier working environment. So I think now that we've had return fire, it's time to sit everyone down and talk it out.
5:45. I have a serious aversion to the name calling of "daddy" I was harassed by an older cowoker (I was 19 at the time and he was 47) and he tried to force me to call him daddy at work. Every since then I could never in my life see myself calling someone daddy.
@sailor b I told my boss much later ( I was moving away for college at the time and I was terrified of him hurting me if I said anything while I worked there) She was mortified that it happened. She is a nice lady, but I didn't want him to hurt me out of anger.
With the last one, I agree with you Shaaba, it’s not ok for anyone to comment on anyone else’s weight because you don’t know what health things they might have. I myself an pretty slim because I have a fast metabolism, I know 2 people who are overweight because they’re on medication for depression/anxiety. That said from my experience as a slimmer woman, people are less likely to call out someone calling someone slim etc
The last one really spoke to me - I've always been on the lower end of a healthy weight for my height and I'm not naturally curvy. I've had so many comments over the years about my weight / figure and people think it's ok because it's the opposite of being fat - it's not. Growing up, several family members would call me things like "a matchstick with the wood scraped off" as a joke, which made me very self-conscious about my appearance. I've even had random strangers ask me if I'm anorexic! A - I was a healthy weight, so it's an odd thing to assume from my appearance alone. B - that's not ok to ask someone, especially someone you don't know! In my mind, calling someone skinny is exactly the same as calling someone fat. I don't mind slim, but I wouldn't want it as a nickname! Regardless, if someone asks you not to call them something, even if it's a completely innocuous word, you should stop calling them that. It seems like this person went through all the reasonable steps and then ran out of options. Honestly, I don't think that's a healthy work environment - particularly as their boss did nothing (next time it might be more serious) - and they should consider looking for another job.
The last one it sounds like she tried to handle it kindly but at that point nothing was working. That manager is definitely SHIT. I think it was rude of her to target her coworker's weight back, but I also get it because what else can she do? Manager won't step in, and asking coworker to stop doesn't work. Honestly this sounds like a shitty work environment and I hope she looked / looks for a new job.
Last story, I agree with ESH - however, I am someone who has always had trouble with my weight in the "chunky" direction, my mom is someone who has always struggled with her weight in the "slim" direction. She can't keep weight on - any stress and she stops eating. So I can see it from both points of view and both are hurtful. The coworker definitely owes the OP an apology for stamping all over their boundaries and not complying with a stated request, and the OP can counter the apology with one of their own for calling out the coworker. It just should not have gotten to this point, and if the coworker had any respect at all for OP it would not have.
Sometimes you need to "stoop to that level" to make the bully understand, and I stand by that, especially if the "please stop doing/saying that" doesn't work. Edit: Saw someone talk about defending yourself when no one else will, and I completely agree. If physical self defense is done with force, why can't verbal be the same, when it can be just as traumatising.
The period one... :< There are red flags here and they have nothing to do with any purported leaking on OP's part! While I can understand wanting to keep the furniture nice, it really sounds like this is about more than that. To give a counter example of what a healthy "keep the furniture nice" request looks like: I am a very clumsy person and my roommate and I are both aware and acknowledging of this fact. Most of the furniture in our house is furniture he chose before we moved in together, and a lot of it is things he's inherited from family, so he has a personal attachment to it more than I do. So on occasion he'll ask me or remind me to do things like use a cutting board or a table cloth, to protect our dining table from nicks or spilled liquids. This helps me too, because sometimes his reminders prevent me from hurting myself, and I don't want to have to spend a lot of energy cleaning up a mess I could have prevented. The difference here though, and the reason it doesn't feel to me as though he's putting inanimate objects over my feelings, is because he asks respectfully. He says please, he offers to help by getting me the things I need, and on the occasions when I have made messes or nearly caused damage to things, he doesn't get mad, he simply helps me clean it up and tends to my feelings and well being before assessing the damage to the furniture. In the same sort of context, if he were to ask me to put down a towel during heavy bleeding days, I wouldn't be offended. It would be clear to me that he's just being cautious, and sitting on a towel is not an unreasonable ask - it's easy enough for me to do and doesn't cause any issues. However... by putting the towels down FOR OP, without regard to whether she would agree to this and not even asking her, along with all of the other strange behavior (like the refusing to cuddle and making her sleep somewhere else?!?!?), it really sounds like there are some deep issues that OP's boyfriend needs to work on. Even if it is rooted in some sort of legitimate need (like some kind of strangely misogynistic germophobia, I... guess...), then the boyfriend's approach should be to explain his position, ask for accommodations, and respect when those accommodations can't be given. The thing that really tips me towards major alarm bells about the boyfriend, though, is that the furniture is referred to as HIS furniture. Maybe he paid for it, or like in the case of me and my roommate, has some personal attachment to it that the OP doesn't. But if they live together - it's THEIR furniture. She has just as much of a right to exist in their shared space as he does. If he's treating her like a tenant or an annoying guest, it speaks volumes to how he sees her and how he will continue to treat her in the future.
Honestly, I can really relate to that last one. Probably would not have done what OP did, but I use to get comments much like the ones they were getting. Mostly from larger girls. So much so that I am now leery of becoming friends with larger girls because I worry about the comments. I never bring up wait, I actually find larger girls attractive. But not being given the same respect back, hurts tbh.
Can I just tell a story that happened last week where I was at my high school art class, and we had a relief teacher (substitute) and, you know how high schoolers are: extremely disrespectful. But I was paying attention even more than normal because I was really happy and her voice reminded me of Shaaba. I hadn’t even had a hot chocolate that day because those always make me happy, just like these videos!
That bride who accused her groom of "taking the spotlight" as if the entire wedding were all about her and only her and it wasn't the groom's wedding, too, may want to look up the definition of "partnership" in the dictionary And then seek professional help.
The last one is something that isn't talked about enough in my opinion, I'm tall and very skinny (and have been my whole life) and people always bring it up. Almost every time I see family or family friends and the topic of what I want to do when I leave school comes up, they always joke about me becoming a model, when I have clearly expressed several times that comments on my weight and this topic make me very uncomfortable. Not even mentioning the fact that I struggle with mental health and body image and went through a period of time where I was monitored for an ED ( I still have to have my weight checked regularly because of it). So thank you for covering this topic and hopefully bringing some awareness to the struggles of being under weight. Have a great day and thank you for the joy and moments of learning that you bring with your channel.
My gosh you are beautiful Shaaba!! I don't just mean because of your make up today ( which IS freaking amazing ) , you are just so beautiful inside and out. You and Jamie are such an amazing positive influence on TH-cam.
The weight one is such a intense topic. I have been on both sides of the extreme, myself. I'm 5'11 and have been everywhere from 116lbs to over 260lbs. Usually yo-yoing dramatically in between. When I was thin other would call me 'twiglet' and think it would be okay to trash talk plus sized ppl in front of me. When I was big any food near my mouth disgusted ppl, offered diet products, and assumed I would be okay trash talking the 'skinny bitches'. Worse is that Doctors don't take me seriously at either end of the spectrum. If thin, I Can't be unhealthy because I am thin, but if I was bigger than all my problems are because I'm fat. Body shaming is just as cruel on both ends. The public has an eye on fat phobia at the moment, but both deserve to been done away with. If a person can't fix it in under 5 minutes, do not bring it up.
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The daddy thing is a massive red flag imo. Not the fact that he is into it of course, but the fact that he wouldn't take no for an answer. Informed and enthusiastic consent is extremely important for any kind of intimacy, and things that go into BDSM territory can be dangerous, or they can bring up trauma or just general strong negative emotions. Age play especially is something that I imagine a lot of people (myself included) are very uncomfortable with, even if they don't have any related traumas. Him insisting so vehemently on it and ignoring the fact that his partner didn't enjoy it is so, so alarming to me.
Right?! I totally agree! Like, how many people have been sexually assaulted by someone older than them?!?! I respect that there are people who are into age play, among other things that I would never do, but if 2 people are playing that and are totally enthusiastically into it, so be it!
Just wanted to comment that daddy kink isn’t always to do with age play. But I 100% agree with everything else. Consent is revokable. And not taking no for an answer and pressuring your partner into doing things they are not comfortable with, you are getting into straight up assault territory
Exactly, if you’re on a date and you notice them being overly pushy and stubborn, has to get their own way, it’s best to leave. They’re seeing how easy it is to break you/ establish their dominance.
The person pointed out that she had been humoring him on this for a while before she decided to stop. I agree that she has every right to do so without having to worry about being coerced into continuing to use the term! If she is no longer comfortable with it, she absolutely shouldn't do it. But this was clearly something that provided him some type of gratification during their sexy time, so she should also be practical about the fact that her decision can alter their dynamic in a way that he is no longer satisfied with.
I cringe at the whole "daddy" thing, so I don't blame her. It seems like it could alter their connection, which might be good for her (from a purely outside-looking-in perspective), but the point is that there seems to be some relationship complexity to the issue that she might not be preparing for, and if his kink becomes his priority instead of respecting her decision to NOT use the term, she should be ready to bounce.
As someone interested in hat whole sort of thing, I’d like to say that the boyfriend was absolutely an asshole. The entire point behind BDSM and all its aspects involves consent. As soon as anyone revokes consent, you stop. It’s quite simple. It doesn’t matter if they were the one who initiated it, it doesn’t matter if you were enjoying it, you don’t pressure them into continuing. If they want or need to stop, and you keep going, that could be considered as non-consensual sex. For milder things like name calling that doesn’t involve actual physicality, it probably wouldn’t hold up in a legal setting, but it’s still just wrong and breaking boundaries. God, obviously that boyfriend wasn’t wrong for feeling upset about the seemingly abrupt change, but guilting and pressuring OP into doing it? That’s just over the line.
Last one: if she called her a disgusting fat whale then she would be the asshole. I feel "chunky" is on the same level as "toothpick", especially if you have already stated you don't like it. Sometimes someone needs to get the tables turned in them. It's rude, but situationally I think she's NTA.
I personally think “Chunky” is the same level as “skinny” while “toothpick” is the same level as “whale” or something. Cunky and skinny are tecnically descriptors, whale and toothpick is overexagerating by comparing to an object or an animal.
i feel like to avoid stooping to their level i wouldve just been like “how would feel if i made fun of you for your weight” and it would have the same effect. If it still didnt then I would feel justified in calling them chunky
It's still assholey to comment on someone's weight either way.
@@anunwantedsoul3672 yes but what else could she have done? she tried every other route to get it resolved and none of them turned out, this was a last resort.
@@sonyamohe "how would you feel if I " never works. people don't listen to that and they don't take it seriously. if she asked her repeatedly to stop and she didn't listen she clearly doesn't care and I think its silly to assume that she would have some sudden realisation because of that when she was repeatedly told it was upsetting her.
As a life long overweight person who used to 'skinny shame' others throughout highschool, I would have learnt a LOT earlier that it was wrong if some had said chunky back to me. Especially if they tried to explain it and my young dumb self didn't get it. They are NTA!
The FIRST use is a fine "taste of your own medicine". The threat to keep doing it, might be what tips it over the edge, though. It seems like the grown up thing to do would be to take the co-worker aside and go: "You know how I said it upset me when you call me 'toothpick'? Well, I wanted to illustrate how that makes me feel. Based on your reaction, I can see weight is a sore spot for you too. Can we just agree not to talk about each other's weight anymore?"
No guarantee it would WORK, of course. But worth a try.
I completely agree!
@@emilymoran9152 Honestly I think that's a perfectly reasonable threat, because if she only stops she won't ever have to say it again.
Agreed mostly, but mainly ETA
If my best friend from grade 8 wasnt a 00 crying to gain weight i wouldnt have understood. It took her grabbing my thighs and her wishing hers would touch for me to understand.
If someone asks you not to call them a certain name, then be respectful and don't use that name. If you can't find it in yourself to do that, then you can't claim you deserve that respect with which you deny others.
You seem to be conflating kinks with being trans and it's honestly so disgusting i can't even begin with it.
It is a word for her to call him so no she doesn't get to dicate what he is allowed to be called, she doesn't have to consent to doing it but it's not news to her that he likes it and both she and ahaba re seriously kink shaming. I think you had the right idea you just tidnt seem to realise that the argument you were making are for the other side of the equation
But since trans people are just kinksters to you maybe you should go to therapy
Within the BDSM community is a kind of Dom/sub relationship which includes role play along those lines. However, it is usual in a ''Daddy Dom''/little girl (or other gendered equivalent/variation) relationship that BOTH parties are aware, consenting and presumably happy with this type of relationship dynamic. Not kink-shaming, but if the bf wants a DD/lg relationship, maybe he should look for someone who is also into this. OP is NTA.
Little girl is disturbing. I don't agree with BDSM but I won't go into why it's irrelevant to my comment. The use of girl is creepy and implies pedophilia even if it wasn't intentional.
Exactly this!
Yep, exactly. The phrase "Your kink is not my kink" comes to mind. Boyfriend wasn't wrong to ask for it - but OP tried it, didn't like it, and absolutely has a right to withdraw consent. I think OP deserves a few props for trying something new to please a partner, too, because a lot of people are very skittish about kink and have a hard time talking about it. She respected his kink by not shaming it and being willing to explore and talk about it, and by dismissing her feelings about not wanting to do it anymore he took the "power imbalance" dynamic from beyond kink to simply not respecting her wishes as being as important as his.
Pet names and dirty talk also require consent.
I have been the OP in my own situation: tried some BDSM stuff my then-husband was into. But then realized it's really not for me. Unfortunately my then-husband became aggressive and scary and shortly thereafter I left him. (I am obviously leaving out a lot of traumatizing detail.) Long story short? Whatever floats your boat! And if the person you are with is pressuring you into something that you are not comfortable with, they may not be a safe person to be with. BOTH parties need to be consenting and wanting this kind of relationship dynamic. Ideally, OP's guy should find someone who is into the exact same kink as him.
After asking politely; after acknowledging that she would personally prefer not to be called "slim" and still not being heard and respected; after the Manager doesn't do anything......the last one is completely 100% justifiable and absolutely NTA.
If I wanted to do something special to honor my significant other on our wedding day and she got angry with me saying that I was trying to steal the spotlight and make it about my ethnicity, I would annul the marriage. I would take it as she has been hiding her racism all this time and I could only expect the disrespect to increase from now on. I can see how stressful situations can make a person snap at their loved ones, but what they choose to say in anger is revealing who they really are.
Right? Yikes. I was thinking the same.
I can understand “bride stress” - often we’re left to be responsible for everything (often that’s secretly the way we want it).
But why she thought his song - which was about THEM and for HER - was stealing her limelight is beyond me.
I suspect there are big problems coming.
Also don't confuse anger with being triggered
@@Anonymous-kp3jf nobody here was.
I beleive that just because youre an asshole doesn't make you wrong, for example, the last story. If she tried everything sane to make her stop and she wouldn't stop, she tried getting support from others to get her to stop and that didn't work, then sometimes you have to be an asshole to finally get them to stop. I think your ESH is valid but OP being an asshole was justified. who knows maybe this makes me a bad person but I think sometimes being an asshole to someone is justifiable when you have tried everything else.
I agree because the context of the name calling is completely different: the coworker is bullying the OP without reason whereas OP is just using the name calling to change the perspective of the coworker and get her to stop. It's like how we can justify violence in self defence because we understand that the context of that violence is completely different.
Absolutely. Sometimes being an asshole to an asshole who won't stop being an asshole no matter how much you ask nicely is totally justifiable. The only other option really in that situation is to completely cut off all communication with her co-worker.
Yeah, I understand why she chose ESH, but I do believe that there was no other way for OP to get her co-worker to stop. Something similar happened to me, with my brother, who was always obsessed with commenting on my food intake. And I do know it must be because he's insecure about his weight, but he never listened when I asked him to stop. I literally get anxious about certain foods because of him. When I was in highschool I even cried every time I was going to make eggs because he never stopped bullying me because of it. And it got to a point in which I became obsessed with counting calories after he told me: "wow, I would be obese if I ate like you". And he really thought that was an appropriate thing to say...until I said it to him the following week. And now...I no longer got any comments on my food intake, and it's been a couple of years since that. It was the best choice I could ever make, honestly
Nuance is important. And that’s when being an asshole can be justified, because of nuance.
@@cameliaminculeasa8288 disgusting how it came to that for you but I’m glad you have peace of mind now
As someone who has an extremely heavy period and has bled through many pants, furniture, and sheets the period story is ridiculous. When I met my bf in person for the first time, I got my period unexpectedly and repeatedly bled through sheets during the night because my pad would move around. Everyday my bf would assure me it was fine and not my fault and help me clean the sheets and that is one of the many reasons I knew he was the person for me.
I understand if blood grosses you out, but treating your partner like a dog is absolutely ridiculous. I sometimes will bring a towel to sit on if im sitting on light furniture because it makes me feel more comfortable but also like...how does he ever expect to date someone with a period? What if someone gets a cut while on the furniture? What if someone gets sick on the couch? I would absolutely break up with him for treating me that way. A partner should love and respect you not make you feel like you are unwelcome and shameful because of your bodily functions.
It was absolutely misogyny at work. Not even cuddling while on a period makes it less "neat freak" and more him thinking periods are dirty and disgusting
@@noaccount2494 I completely agree
Have you tried period pants? Personally, I find them way more secure, absorbent and comfortable than pads, especially for sleeping.
I've also recently discovered they make shorts style ones, which are even more secure.
@@hannahk1306 Thinx has some great options
@@hannahk1306 since starting T I don't bleed anymore 🙏🏻but I was looking into those for a while so maybe if I go off T eventually I'll look into them again
Last story:
I think the first “chunky” was completely deserved. Then after, just to save my skin, I would use other words like “annoying”, “immoral”, “hypocrite”, etc
The vindictive soul that I am particularly likes the idea of calling the co-worker a hypo......crite.
@@VeginMatt OH MY GOD THATS GENIUS
Yea, last story is totally NTA. She tried talking to her and others, NOBODY helped her, so she was well within her rights to defend herself with retaliation. It's NOT a different situation, the co-worker was asked to stop repeatedly and didn't, so it's very obvious that it's done in a malicious manner. People are allowed to defend themselves.
@@VeginMatt 🤣🤣🤣That's a good one.
That last story really hit home for me. I was bullied for being underweight most of my childhood, and it was because I'm chronically ill. I've lost connections with people for sharing my experience, and have even been told by larger people that I'm triggering them when I tell them not to make fun of people's weight just because they're smaller. It is incredibly disheartening to see so much of the "body positivity" community putting down smaller bodies in order to build up larger bodies. All bodies should be loved regardless of shape and size.
People bullying others for their weight/appearance aren't body positive, they're being jealous bitches.
Last one. Calling her chunky was her last resort! She tried everything else and nothing worked.
You should not dish it out if you can't take it. 😡 Hate it when people act like that. She told her she had a problem with it. She put a boundary in place and she ignored it. Yes, I am that petty.
The skinny thing is really awful. I have the same problem. It's especially difficult given how long and hard I'd tried to gain weight given that anxiety gave me major appetite issues and no matter how hard I tried, I just couldn't get over about 43 kilograms. I've since managed to make it to around 46, which is huge for me. People will be like "skinny shaming isn't a thing" and then five minutes later comment "oh, aren't you eating?" or "you need to get some meat on you" or something along those lines. Even my doctor once asked "are you still taking those anti-depressants? Because you clearly haven't gained any weight" without bothering to weigh me which really hurt given that I'd only just, finally, and thanks to the anti-depressants, managed to make it out of the underweight category. A couple of kilograms might not seem like a lot, but I was really proud of myself that I was consistently eating three meals a day for the first time since childhood and actually feeling a sensation of hunger again.
Congratulations on your recovery, you are so strong and you'll definitely feel healthy and capable in no time! Lots of love! ❤
@SpoonG Thank you. Still a little rough at the moment as I have other health stuff going on (a lot of chest pain), but at least my appetite is stable. I'll get there.
@@unapologeticallylizzy Don't force yourself, it will come at your own pace. 2kg is already a huge goal! Keep learning to love yourself, or at least tolerate yourself (that's what I managed to do for myself) and appreciate your achievements, even though they don't seem enough I assure you that they definitely are.
Well I'll say what your doctor should have said. Well done Lizzy. You should be very, very proud of yourself.
@@Ruthavecflute Thank you.
I am a plus sized woman and I am comfy in my skin but I understand that just like bigger people don't like to be called out for being big, thin or skinny people have the same concerns and issues. Let's just accept each other for the beautiful people we are and not fat or thin shame each other. I always try to put myself in their shoes. If I don't like this, maybe they don't like that. Just Be Kind. Much love to you Shaaba!
If you want to be called daddy in the bedroom, in fact if you have any preference or kink that you feel you can't live without in a relationship and your partner does not like participating in it, you don't get to demand, shame them or push! That is so incredibly awful! If it's that important to you, go and find someone that is into it, but you NEVER push someone to participate in your kink!
Thanks for that last one Shaaba. My weight (I’m 4”11 and ~40kg) has been a struggle my whole adulthood. It’s so nice to see someone recognise that “slim/skinny” isn’t actually a compliment.
Love your content. Have a great day
When I was younger and still very thin the slim/toothpick/string bean names always hit me as a dog about not being woman enough (i.e. developed) and sort of a way to infantilize you. This woman was definitely trying to "put her in her place" within the workplace hierarchy and op was not here for it.
Agreed! A lot of people think because being skinny is the "beauty standard" that skinny people can't have issues with their weight and they can pick on them, which is just wrong. I'm 5ft6 and about 50kg now and I'm trying to gain more weight because I realize it affects my health. I gradually lost weight the past few years because I lost my appetite and I really wish to eat more, but it's hard. My family constantly tells me that I look anorexic and that I should eat more and it hurts, because I KNOW THAT, I don't need to be reminded of it constantly. On that note, I know my family means well, but if a stranger said stuff like this to me or made fun of me it would hurt so much more.
I am exactly the same height and weight as you and I find it quite difficult being so short at secondary school (UK) where everyone is taller but thankfully no one has ever teased me about it. I'm very used to people commenting that I'm quite short with no harm intended and I'm fine with that. I'm just like "yeah I have been my whole life!" 😅
I'm the same weight and height as you, and have been since I was 13. I've heard the things the coworker said so often. I've been trying to gain weigh since a doctor at my workplace said, he'd recommend against employing me if my BMI stays below 17 (no one except him ever cared about that ;-;). A stranger once straight up asked me if I'm bulimic :o
It's so frustrating cause most people I know eat way less than me. I'm really trying, ;-;
@@tiredbooknerd I'm so sorry you're struggling with this. As someone who's always been overweight, I often thought people often fail to imagine what it's like to try to override the cues their body is sending, and eat more OR less than it's saying it needs, every day, for months and months.
I hope you're in a situation where you have a primary care physician, where you can get your hormones, vitamins and minerals double-checked, and then can go on to get support.
I don't know if that support you would benefit most from is a B12 injection, or therapy, advice from a dietician, or a prescribed calorie-dense foodstuff, or a medical note saying that your diet is f***ing FINE and you're cleared to work so if denied employment they can expect a call from a lawyer about the Americans With Disabilities Act.
I hope whatever can smooth your path is available to you. Take care, and best of luck xx
I am DYING at the grandma thing, I need my partner to see this video! lmao
But seriously, at the end of the day, if it makes one partner uncomfortable then the other needs to respect that boundary.
THANK YOU for your take on the fact that skinny people, particularly very skinny people, get picked on a lot because of their weight too. It's so multifaceted too of 1) everyone feels like they're "allowed" to comment on your weight because you're not fat 2) on a PERSONAL level (even if skinny people don't face the same systematic discrimination), the insults still hurt just as much, and 3) when you are thin, particularly a thin young woman, that is all you EVER hear about why you are "attractive." No matter how body positive you are, if people have made it VERY CLEAR your entire life that your thinness is what they assign the most value to, that does Damage.
I wasn’t made fun of for being skinny when I was younger, just short (I’m 5’1” l and was always undersized as a child) but while people assigned it “positive value”, complimenting my thinness, it actually led to some disordered eating patterns for me later on in life since at a certain point in adulthood, my only value or positive trait was my thinness and I wanted to be even thinner.
Yes thank you! I have really bad body issues bc when I was younger everyone always commented on how skinny I am so now I feel like I always have to be the skinniest Person in the room everywhere I go bc it was such a big part Of what people noticed about me.
"even if skinny people don't face the same level of systematic discrimination"
As a skinny person myself, I have most definitely faced discrimination because of it. Not in the same way that an overweight person might, but it was still discrimination.
Being skinny and conventionally attractive is exactly why my autism, ADHD, celiac, epilepsy, etc wasn't diagnosed a long time ago. I'm just now getting them diagnosed after having to really push and advocate for myself as an adult. I got the autism and ADHD diagnoses down. I still need to be tested for the epilepsy and celiac.
According to society, skinny, conventionally attractive women don't have problems. We don't get to complain, because others have it worse. We don't get to ask for help, because we have no need for help. We don't get to speak about the discrimination and stereotypes we face, because we don't experience any negative stereotypes or discrimination. Or at least this is what a lot of people have told me, even if not in those exact words. Even when you know in your very core that these people are wrong, it wears you down after hearing it over and over again, often completely unwarranted.
People set me up as their ideal. They didn't care about my person so much as their perception of my person. My true self did not fit the image of me they had in their heads, so my true self didn't exist to them. That's incredibly damaging, especially when you are disabled and no one will listen. It was even more damaging when it was my doctors who were doing it.
@@CeruleanStar Yes! I’m pretty sure we’re in agreement on this, but the way this is phrased made think that maybe you’re trying to disagree with me?
By “same level” I meant, and said, that thin people face discrimination for their weight. Weight is an “everyone loses” game with people at both extremes facing systematic oppression. My point was not that very thin people are not discriminated against, because I fully agree, we are. My point WAS however, that the type, level, and severity of discrimination that fat people face on a systematic level is worse, and that’s both okay to acknowledge, and personally important to me to acknowledge. I hope that clarifies because it seemed like you were disagreeing with the quote by quoting it, but everything you said is right on with what I’m saying
@@Phrancieee I don't fully disagree, but I guess I disagree with it being worse for those on the other side of the weight spectrum as myself. Given, I'm not saying I have it worse, just that I don't think either of us do. Just different. I didn't mean to be contentious, I'm just give a different point of view.
I know my experience isn't going to be the same as most people who are skinny, as I have disabilities and illnesses that play a huge roll in how being skinny has affected my life, but just as it is important for you to admit that people who fall on the overweight side have it worse than yourself, it is important for me to admit just how much discrimination I've faced because of how I look, as people who look like me don't have their disabilities and illnesses recognized or respected if they have them, and I definitely have them.
There is an autistic creator named Paige Layle that talked about how pretty privilege has hurt her more than it has helped as an autistic individual. While I don't agree with everything she says as an influencer, her description of how pretty privilege has given her far more cons than pros has been my experience as well.
It's a difficult topic to explain, and in my experience, a difficult topic for people to receive. Even you tried to clarify that people who are overweight still have it worse. I know it wasn't your intention to minimize my experiences, but I ask you to trust me that for myself, being thin and conventionally attractive has hurt me far more than helped, and to a degree that has significantly affected the quality of my life for years. The stereotypes and discrimination surrounding my looks has brought about some extremely dark times in my life. It's hard to explain just how difficult it is to desperately need help for disabilities and illnesses only to not be believed because of how you look. I definitely have PTSD surrounding it.
All this said, I really hope I haven't come across as confrontational. I thank you for bringing up your views and experiences, as doing so only ever helps people learn more about each other. It helps us all be more empathetic and understanding as people, and I greatly appreciate your sharing your views on this topic :)
For that sheets on the furniture one, she doesn't need to think about leaving, she needs to run. He needs help, and not of any sort she can offer.
The last story is nta, i mean outside of the workplace harrassment about weight and all the issues of unpacking beauty standards, its COMPLETELY dehumanizing to be refered to as things like "toothpick" instead of your name
It makes me want to go into the whole monologue from the movie Tootsie.
@@grutarg2938 I love that movie!
Boyfriends/husbands that don't understand periods and/or don't have empathy for their partners need to be educated because unfortunately societal norms paint a very negative picture of the process without prioritizing acceptance of one of the most natural things one can go through.
i literally got my period earlier today i can't imagine being treated like a leaking juice box 😭
I'm disagreeing with you on the last one. I personally think it was justified after she said that she can say whatever she wants.
Edit: Just came back after four days and woah, didn't expect to get so many likes and comments.
I read them all and want to thank y'all for being so civilized while discussing your opinion.
Same. If this is a job she intends to keep for any length of time, she did everything she could to handle it respectfully. She attempted to settle things through appropriate channels, she tried a one x one conversation and this person blatantly told her that they would continue to disrespect her.. what options did she have? Continue to be belittled and disrespected every day.. 8 hours a day 40 hours a week. No, I think her actions are completely justified.
I would add to this in just like we may not know if the person who is heavier set has a medical problem that they are struggling with, the slimmer person could also have that problem. And I have been there to comfort someone in tears because they were told to put some “meat on their bones” and she has been struggling for decades just to keep up to the weight she was due to a medical condition. I think this one is another taste of your own medicine moment.
Bullies are bullies, and the only way to shut one down is a taste of their own medicine. “Slim” is not the asshole; she literally tried everything else, and additionally got zero help from anyone else; she did what she had to.
I agree, it's "taste of your own medicine" - no different to daddy/grandma. If one is NTA, so is the other.
The boss definitely should've helped more in this situation. Personally, I don't think that it was okay that she said what she did. Being hurt (and in this case harassed) doesn't mean you get to do the same back to them that being said...OP did try to communicate in a healthy way first and that didn't work so I definitely acknowledge the limited options
You're always adorable, but the makeup Ashley did is amazing! So sweet of you to shout her out. ❤️
Oh, the last one really hit hard. I have been struggling with my weight for the past couple of years and there have been friends, relatives, and strangers that called me or compared me to so many things, some of which really hurt, such as "Barbie doll", "skeleton", "anorexic", "heroin addict" and once even "Holocaust surviver" (this one truly, truly shocked me and I cried for hours afterwards). People think that when someone is skinny, you are free to say whatever you want about them, but these things do burrow under a person's skin and they fester there; there is no way this can be taken as a compliment.
Thank you, Shaba. Whenever you talk about the issue of weight and body image, it really makes me feel like I am not as alone in my struggle as I sometimes feel.
The period one- that is the most juvenile behavior I’ve ever heard regarding periods, he is being a child and I would absolutely 100% break up with someone just over that. If one conversation isn’t enough to get him to understand, that is way too big of a red flag to ignore.
The last one, I don’t really think what she said was that bad considering she already asked not to be addressed by her body type and was told “I can say what I want.”
You don’t even need to be at all insecure about yourself to be uncomfortable with someone constantly referencing your body. Like even if she doesn’t care if she’s skinny, doesn’t consider it an insult, I can still see her thinking it’s really weird to constantly be bringing it up like that and making it her label.
Also a lot of women have period for like a 4rth of the month, every month...thats like 25% of your time together that sucks and where he is disrespecting you
*people
I think the last one was justified and that if the roles were reversed no one would be calling OP one of the AHs. Imagine if someone was called fatty or chunky every day at work and tried to resolve it peacefully but the bullies didnt listen and kept calling them fatty, and so they retort by calling the bully slim or skinny or toothpick. In that case, would most people think the overweight person who was just defending themselves from bullying is an AH? I dont think so.
I think this bias comes from the fact that mocking someone for being overweight is perceived as way harsher than mocking someone for being underweight. And to be fair its true, although underweight people experience bullying and harassment too, there are few groups of people that are more dehumanized and despised as overweight people (especially overweight women). So whiIe I get why this bias exists, the core is still the same: The OP was just defending themselves and they didnt resort to name calling immediately, they asked nicely for the bully to stop and was left with no other option.
So I'd say NTA.
*edited for 1) forgetting to add something 2) grammar*
The period one boils my blood! What in the world?! Dude clearly has some sort of issue with periods - the 'no cuddling' is proof of that! Misogyny at its best. She needs to dump the whole idiot.
Side note: the look really suits you! It's like your skin, but better. Love it!
The period and sheets one sounds more to me like it’s little to do with periods and something else is going on regarding material goods, control, (in addition to lack of understanding about bodily function),……. It’s such an odd and extreme response that it goes beyond just being an arse about something and into needs counselling and treatment. It won’t go away and will extend into other areas of life.
"leaking juice box" my first thought was "throw the whole man out"
just like OP in the last post, im also 5’9 and 115 pounds, and I definitely related to their post. Weight has been an issue of mine for my whole life, and those phrases of “you need more meat on your bones” have been said to me more times than i can remember. thank you for acknowledging the struggles on the other side, love to shaaba 💞
Story 1: Dump her, for her to return a romantic gesture with accusing you of 'taking the spotlight' and 'enforcing your ethnicity' at your own wedding really shows how little she respects you.
Story 2: Dump him, he clearly cares more about his sexual kinks than your consent/comfort.
Story 3: Dump him, it's either about periods or about control, if it was about cleanliness the sheets would be there all the time. If it's about periods then he's clearly too immature for a serious relationship and if it's about control that's even worst.
Story 4: Not the asshole but I suggest you get a different job because the harassment will only get worst.
(Then return as a customer and call her chunky ... just kidding.)
the last one hit me. there has been a couple times now at my work where CUSTOMERS refer to my weight. an older lady told me to "not lose anymore weight" when i don't actively seek out weightloss anymore (i have struggled with disordered eating in the past), and another woman complimented the skirt i was wearing and then said "well of course it looks good on you, you're so thin".
it is NOT okay to comment on ANYBODYS weight. the first lady told me that she meant it as a compliment when i challenged her on it. it made me feel really shitty about myself. in the last post, i do agree with Shaaba's verdict of ESH, but even though OP was kind of an asshole by stooping down to her coworker's level, i think it was kind of justified. it wasn't the first thing she responded with, she took the steps to appropriately address the issue, and when nothing else worked, i probably would have done the same thing. it doesn't make it okay, and OP is an asshole, but i'm not really mad about it? i don't know. its tricky
"it's not your fault but it's still your problem" you're amazing
Regarding the last one: I experienced it personally multiple times! I agree that fat shaming is way worse than thin shaming, since thin privilege is a thing and fat people struggle a lot in life because their weight and their bodies are always a matter of discussion, plus society stigmatizes and belittles them just for it, and it's horrible. My parents were obese until a couple of years ago, when my dad had a heart attack and they both lost weight (my dad had to, and my mum was having knee issues, so she decided to follow). Buuuuuut... I have always been on the skinny side of the spectrum, because of nature and a formerly undiagnosed celiac disease, I also have been suffering from a restrictive ED for the last 20 years (now in recovery). My life has been plagued by people, sometimes even close friends, who commented on my appearance assuming that I was an a-hole just because I was scrawny with protruding bones. I've been recently called fatphobic BECAUSE of my ED (which comes from trauma and BPD, not from appearance issues), and I've lost count on how many times I've been insulted as an "an****ic b**ch", completely at random. It's not OK to comment on anyone's weight, and I always try to make this point, but mostly I get the same reaction as OP's coworkers. It's sad.
That's so fucked up :( I am sorry. I'm an overweight person and have had horrible fat jokes tossed my way.
Was buying groceries in the store and the person next to me said, "Oh you're hungry today..." (Looking at my soups cans I was buying...yes they were 6 cans of soup.) Ignored them only for them to turn to the other person and say to him after he picked up his lighter he had bought, "You might wanna be more concerned about your sandwich around this one."
I was dealing with extreme depression and I tell you that nearly tipped me over the edge of SH and S that night. I can't imagine doing that to someone else no matter what they are struggling with nor look like. It's so fucked up.
@@StudlyFudd13 Shit Im sorry that happened to you. I'd be tempted to ask him if he wanted a can of soup through his teeth, but I'm a bit confrontational, which isnt always the best.
I hope both of you are doing alright today
@@StudlyFudd13 WTF, and how this random person did not end up with a punch on their face?!
I get you so much. I also struggle with an ED (been doing it for a decade now…) and I absolutely hate when people comment on my weight. I get triggered a lot and I end up spiralling. I don’t think it matters if the OP had an ED or not, since her co-worker didn’t know. It’s messed up, and I probably would have snapped too if I tried everything to make it stop but they didn’t.
Lately when I had enough I just state “Yeah I have an ED, thanks for ruining my day” and they ALL become silent and awkward. No matter if the comment was “positive” or negative. I’m fed up.
@@MorellaReborned best answer ever: it's the truth and has enough shock factor to teach stupid people a lesson.
The ironic thing about the period one is that the boyfriend takes "precautions" (which wouldn't work anyway) when she is ON her period. She is FAR more likely to bleed on something when/if it starts unexpectedly.
I love the daddy one, OP did such a good job of making their point 😂honestly, the daddy thing creeps me out too. I'm into a lot of BDSM stuff, but ageplay is one that terrifies the f*ck out of me due to past trauma, and I just could not feel safe with a partner in that dynamic. There are so many other ways to express one particular person being in (consensual) control in the relationship.
Like Sir or Master
This is what I was thinking - did OP object to the language choice or to the whole power dynamic or both? Because there are many options for language and many options for power dynamics as well.
I love the love and gentleness you used to say "you suck my love. I'm sorry, but it's true". Like, he'll yeah for compassion and honesty
How in the world is calling anyone slim or toothpick instead of using their names is a compliment? If OP asked nicely several times and her coworker didn't stop, the coworker absolutely deserved it. If the diplomatic way didn't work, and if her manager doesn't want to intervene, she's in her right to stop it however she sees fit, IMO, because otherwise the bullying won't stop. I also think it's very hypocritical of the coworker, because she knows very well she's doing this out of malice, but can't take the same thing. As you said, freedom of speech is not freedom of consequences, and if a person is mean to others, they should be prepared to be treated the same way once in a while, because not all of their victims are going to endure the abuse in silence.
The way that skinny-shaming comments are considered acceptable because it's "what people want" is so exhausting especially for those growing up around the time (and maybe country) I did because while I was in highschool, this wasn't the case - "too fat" was bad, and so was "too skinny" - the ideal was curvy, with a big butt and boobs, the way a "real woman" is "supposed to look". I still struggle with the idea that a "woman body" can come in so many different shapes and sizes, and still feel like my body is not unattractive and not a "woman body", at 22 years old. I'm shaped like an 8 year old boy ffs. I feel like I missed out on what it's like to have boobs. Got comments ranging from comparing me to a little boy, to a skeleton, and never felt attractive in my body, not to mention the uncomfortable comments or questions about my eating habits (I've always eaten plenty I was just born like this). The women/girls that guys found attractive, none of them looked like me. I hide in baggy clothes and would change how I looked if I could. And I know people on the other side of it felt that way too. I just wish at the very least we wouldn't attack each other.
Maybe the difference between the Daddy/Grandma situation and the Slim/Chunky one is the nature of the relationships. Having a partner or s/o sometimes involve having difficult and uncomfortable conversations that lead to a stronger bond o even to the realization that it's not working out. It's by definition personal, and although that does make us feel more vulnerable, it helps you understand your partner's values and emotions. In a work place relationship you are not looking to create a bond necessarily (although it can happen). At work you are just aiming to maintain surface level interactions safe enough to work and get your money. You don't have to be friends with your coworkers (although its nicer when you can). As long as you're being productive, you can set your boundaries and just not talk to a coworker who is being abusive. With time, they get the point.
Yes this is what I was thinking. The relationships and situations are very different.
Also when op called herself grandma, it was not an insult and it was referring to herself.
That is different to insulting someone.
I think if I was in the daddy situation and my partner hadn't stopped referring to himself as daddy after we had had a conversation I would seriously consider breaking up with him. It's important to me to have a partner who listens to me and that I engage in informed and consensual sex/sexual situations.
If I was in the coworker situation, I would have said something like well how would you feel if I referred to you only as a word referring to your weight and not your name?
And if that didn't work I'd probably get a mediator/lawyer in or quit.
12:47 if this person is in the US, freedom of speech just means that the government isn't allowed to impressing you for speaking against it. Which we know they will just do it for some other reason if they're dedicated to it.
In my 20's I got really sick and became very very underweight. It was gross and I looked like I was dying. People would ask if I had cancer or aids ( this was the 90's) I was really sensitive about my weight and wa starting to rebuild muscle. A larger cousin of mine would make cruel jokes about folding me I to a child sized coffin and much worse. Everyone laughed even when I would cry and leave. I finally got her to stop by moaning loudly while eating desserts or juicy items. I would be absolutely obscene about it. In the end I either wasn't invited to family events or no one would comment on my weight. Win win.
Loving that for you 😂
I’ve never (fortunately) been bullied for being skinny, but I have had people tell me they envied me, thinking it was a compliment, or “wished they had my problem” if I talked about the health issues that lead to/resulted from being very thin. While I recognize the societal place it comes from, it still feels pretty bad, like because I’m thin, my issues aren’t seen. Especially when doctors dismiss my weight loss because everyone’s taught that losing weight is a good thing.
That said. While I like to think I wouldn’t call a fat person names in return, because I think it’s not the same given the societal bullying of heavier people… man if someone was doing that to me, and I’d tried to be nice about it, I’d be mad as hell. I really can’t blame the last OP one bit.
Thank you for recognizing that people can be mean to thin people too. I used to be naturally underweight, which is normal in my family. I got a lot of comments about not eating enough, being too thin, having an eating disorder, etc. Nearly every doctor's visit started with a series of questions clearly trying to determine whether I had an eating disorder. The comments made me extremely insecure about how thin I was. All I wanted was to have curves and look "normal", but I couldn't gain weight, no matter what I did. People don't seem to understand that skinny people can actually get bullied for being "too skinny" and it really hurts.
As a person who was thin growing up and then got very sick and dangerously thin and who still struggles with weight, the last one made me angry. I always receive comments like the OP. Those comments used to crush me and just remind me of how sick I was. Like, I was literally dying, and people kept telling me to eat a cheeseburger or saying 'oh, I wish I had that disease so I could be skinny too'. Like, what?! Even people who knew I was sick. It seriously baffles me and I guess speaks to how much larger people are demonized in society that everyone thinks thin=healthy when it doesn't.
You just never know what someone is going through and no one should comment on someone's weight. Which kinda contradicts what I'm going to say next lol, but personally, I don't think she was an asshole. It's like if someone keeps punching you, you tell them to stop, and then they want to cry when you punch them back? Violence should never be the answer, but they learned not to hit you again.
Not sure I'm going to say this right. But can you imagine how bad society has made some feel about their bodies that they would wish for the extreme of a potential fatal disease just to get to a size they're accepted? Society needs to get healthier in its mindset about beauty standards. No one should be made fun of for their body's appearance.
Does the boyfriend who's terrified of periods realize that about half the population gets them from their tweens to their 50s (give or take a few years)?
If the flow was that difficult to handle you would see blood in public spaces a lot more frequently. Especially when you consider that it's pretty common to get caught by surprise by a period.
Also if he has such an issue with it why on earth buy white furniture. Does he not allow guests in his house ever? It's just so wild to me. Even on the rare times I've leaked, it's usually only in bed while sleeping, and there are things to mitigate leaks like wearing a period panty with a pad, which is what I do and haven't had a leak since. Even without that, pulling out the towels are wild.
The last one potentially would have done better to phrase it as a hypothesis, such as explaining to her colleague that calling her skinny and a toothpick brought up the same some of feeling as any weight shaming "such as" calling her chunky. Not necessarily a great option, but a better chance of making the co-worker think rather then ending up in direct opposition to her, as it allows for discussion rather than an argument. However its a very difficult situation to deal with particularly given that she's already tried asking her to stop and escalated to management. It can feel like the options are either to snap back or just be walked all over.
There's no argument with what OP did
She either stops calling her slim or she gets called chunky
It's a choice not an argument.
Getting into comparing being fat shamed and skinny shamed is where you're going to leave yourself open to arguments imo.
Also OP did not position herself opposed to anyone, somebody singled her out.
@@FrancisR420 Thank you for replying, I think we might be talking cross purposes. I meant "argument" as when the instigating party said she had freedom of speech when asked to stop and the subsequent argument with her co-workers about fat and skinny shaming that OP ended up having, rather then the exchange of insults itself.
I was just noting that sometimes in difficult situations if you couch things in terms of hypotheticals, rather then directly insulting people, it can allow for cooler heads and discussion rather than inflammatory argument. Doesn't always work of course, if people perceive that they are being criticised then there is a tendency towards defensiveness and snapping back, particularly in the moment.
I think that a lot of people have a knee jerk reaction to thinking that fat shaming is much worse then skinny shaming because of societal and media driven "desirable" appearance. Also because there is a combined association of weight and lack of self control or laziness, which is targeting someone's character as well as their appearance. Potentially on a group/ cultural scale that fat shaming is a bigger problem may hold some truth. But on an individual level regardless if it is fat or skinny, being called names hurts and can result in the same sort of feeling unhappy with your own body, different nuance perhaps, but equally unacceptable to be doing to someone.
The difference between those situations is that the girlfriend communicated to her partner that if he insisted on being called "Daddy", she would insist on being called "Grandma"; the last poster did not signpost to her co-worker that if she was called "Slim" again she would respond in kind.
Same action, different contexts. Without communication in advance, the coworker situation reads as bullying a bully, rather than a "compromise" showing why it's not okay.
I think for the last one, she could have said to the coworker first "every time you 'compliment' me on my weight, I will 'compliment' you on yours. If you don't want comments about your body at work, don't comment on mine." Then replace "chunky" with terms that pretend to be socially ok like "zaftig" or "full-figured." Obviously the coworker wasn't intending to be complimentary because "toothpick" is not a compliment, but it would be harder for the rest of the associates to be upset if you set out the terms in advance and kept it to the realm of "positive" body attention. And yes, skinny-shaming is terrible and just because it is socially acceptable doesn't mean it's less harmful than fat-shaming.
As i child i was worried about getting enough food. As an adult, this has created an insecurity in me. If i don't have food in my house and some extra fat on my body, i get anxious about it. It's like having no savings. What if something happens? In this view, someone calling me skinny would be like pointing out that i have no savings or security.
If i allowed myself to save up though, then i would feel like i'm losing against my anxiety. And then someone calling me chunky would feel like they're calling me weak and a loser.
And in both cases, i would also feel objectified. To me, living as a biological being is quite disgusting and should be classified as horror. A pov that reduces me to the physical and therefore reminds me of that horror, is therefore nauseating.
For the last one, another point to add, being called by an adjective rather than your name is very dehumanising, I would get really upset about that. It's like someone constantly getting your name wrong after you correct them many times but worse. There's so much more to a person than their weight, that shouldn't be something people call you by
That last one where they said being called skinny is a compliment is BS, she clearly didn't mean it as a compliment as she also kept telling her to eat a burger.
People using slim/skinny as a complement is honestly so destructive to everyone. It sets an unhealthy and often unattainable expectation, and sets people up for situations like the last one.
I don't know if I'd've done anything different from the last one except maybe quit, and that's not really an option for a lot of people. If somebody is going to completely ignore my request to stop calling me something I find offensive and I can't quit, I'm going to try to figure out how to get them to stop. Really, the only thing I can think of is warning them - "So, you can control what comes out of your mouth, yes, but from now on, if you call me anything related to my weight, I am going to respond in kind and refer to you by your weight. Your choice."
On quitting though - I have quit a job because a recent hire was constantly misgendering me. Not entirely - there were also scheduling issues - but it was what pushed me over the edge.
complimenting on someones weight loss or just commenting on someones weight in general is bad. one, you never know if they might be self conscious, and two, you dont know if they lost that weight in a healthy way. you could be inadvertently praising them for starving themselves, therein encouraging them to continue their unhealthy behavior. if you compliment someone for being skinny, that also encourages fat phobia because you're implying they're worth more when they are at a lower weight
@Fern’s House also weight loss could be due to other health issues. Someone told me her cancer caused her weight loss & people kept "complimenting" her before they knew it was due to cancer. She shouldn't have to reveal her cancer to every human being to avoid them saying insensitive stuff.
@@thedevicebook exactly
That last one sucks, when i was younger I was very skinny and I constantly got called names, and then but "haha you look so goooood I'm so jealous." it made me super self conscious, they did that every time i undressed during gym and i didn't want them to look at me at all. I started eating more working out less snacking more. I'm still not overweight but I'm definitely not as fit as I used to be.
Last one ima say nta. Op tried everything to get them to stop disrespecting and belittling her, and her coworker kept doing it anyways, the boss didn’t want to help, and there’s no HR so what was she supposed to do? Put up with the abuse at somewhere she’s more than likely spending more than half of her day?? Honestly the only other thing she could’ve done was quit
I feel in the last story, it's also really the responsibility of the manager. OP wouldn't have to defend herself if he had step up.
It's very easy to say to she should have found a better way to deal with it but being bullied is really hard to deal with and often, whatever you do or say has no consequences. Without support, it's often impossible to stop it.
A manager is supposed to manage people. It does mean dealing with conflicts. So many manager avoid all conflicts and prefer to let things continue. In that situation, I would seek another job.
Agreed, a workplace that lets disrespectful attitudes like this just happen unaddressed will quickly devolve into toxic cliques. Or maybe it's there already, and that's part of the reason OP had so much trouble fitting in...
OP needs to find a more positive workplace ASAP, because even if this particular issue gets resolved it won't be the last one.
I used to be "teased" about having an eating disorder (which I did not have) because I was very small and thin. I wasn't restricting my food, it was just that I was nauseated a lot of the time, so it could be hard for me to eat. My stomach also filled up with a fairly small portion, most days. Of course, having people staring at me, judging me, and making comments just made it worse.
The "teasing" got bad enough that I became self-conscious about eating in front of people who I didn't consider "safe." One way that I knew hubs was the one was because I never had trouble eating in front of him, even on the first day we met.
Years later, I found out that I have several medical conditions which caused my nearly constant stomach upset as a child.
Being called skinny is not a compliment. The people who use it to be passive-aggressive know that they're not trying to make their target feel good about themself. They often get away with it, because our society has a twisted view of unhealthy bodies. 💙
The period story made me think "people with periods are not leaky ketchup packets!" But sometimes periods do make me feel like a ketchup packet or a juice box. I still agree of course though. We have enough products and knowledge to handle it and be just as clean and "normal" as anyone else.
PS: Period cuddles (with consent of course,) can be a great way to keep your partner happy, just like regular cuddles.
The last one, op was really in a damned if you do, damned if you don't situation. I can see one way that could've been said more nicely, and it's a, "Hey, how would you feel if I talked to you that way? This isn't okay. Leave me alone."
This is a situation, tho, where being nice isn't something you want to do, it's not gonna work. I mean, OP did actually try being civil about it and look how that worked out for her. Being an ass here was necessary. Violence in self defence is justified
@@oalevine I don't disagree. I'm simply saying that I only see one possible way to be nicer about it before pulling out all stops.
Body shaming is wrong in any direction.
The word "body diversity" clicked for me because I have done plus size modeling & the thin models I befriended can be amazing people, who have also been hurt by shaming anyone about their body. Diet companies make billions of dollars manipulating our emotions about our bodies, while eating disorders (particularly anorexia) have the highest fatality rate of any mental disorder. The best way to make this stop is for folks to embrace their differences & even see the common ground of insecurity as a relatable emotion.
As for health concerns about fat people, I have done the research however I won't be responding to that medical debate in this comment section. It brings "all the trolls to the yard" which just increases the intensity of emotions felt, so that non-trolls get emotionally hurt.
Thank you for raising awareness about this!
About the boyfriend with the towels on the furniture there's one scenario I kind think of that makes it ok. That would be if he has some kind of psychological tick about cleanliness. That is a thing BUT it should a) be communicated and b) treated (with psychotherapy, by doctors, a clinic, whatever just get some help) because it can escalate horribly and ruin her and his life.
Never cared for the idea of calling a partner Daddy. It's not cute it's icky.
5:57 I started laughing so hard right here. Im an enby and my name is is Broccoli 😭💀
I say NTA for the last one. I've been really skinny for my whole life and used to be very under weight, always having problems gaining weight which led to other health problems. I think a lot of people underestimate how being thin and being called "twig" or "toothpick" often being meant as a joke can take a toll on someones body image.
On the last one, I think the reason why it’s assholey compared to the grandma one was that it was a personal dig, whereas the grandma one was just to prove a point. I can’t say I wouldn’t have done the same. Maybe the person had tried to rectify the issue so many times that it was warranted.
It also has Kind of "insult" vibe, and calling the other Person something. Whereas asking someone to call me something is less "agressiv"
100% agree. Everyone is allowed to have their kink but that doesn't mean the other person has to fulfill it if they don't want to. But taking jabs at a person even with a reason that makes sense isn't ok. On the coworkers end: it costs nothing to be kind
I've had people comment on my weight before with being skinny. One guy said It must be nice eating anything I wanted too. I then proceeded to give him a whole list of my chronic health history. Any time a bigger person says they want my problem I give them a run down of what I went through and that I almost died. It usualy shuts them up pretty quick and I don't have to body shame then to get my point across. Just don't comment on people's weight you don't know what they are going through
But it's also not on a person to get into any of their personal history to justify not being insulted at work.
Simply calling a person who insists on referencing weight "chunky" is a perfectly measured and adequate response to this situation.
The only person I will call “daddy”, as a joke, is a celebrity I like. Nathan Stocker, from hippo campus, because he literally released a song called “DADDY” and the lyrics start as “nobody calls me daddy, sadly.” And so I think it’s hilarious. And he literally had worn a shirt that says “Daddy.” On stage at a concert.
That is someone I literally do not know on any personal level. That’s as far as I’ll go 🤣
Ok, but just because it's not to your tastes doesn't mean kinkshaming like shaba did is ok
It sounds like she's standing in the way of a white wedding between him and his furniture. He's standing in the way of her finding someone who loves people instead of things.
As someone who's weight struggle has always been that I'm underweight, I very much appreciate actually hearing someone touch on people having weight struggles no matter their size. I don't talk about my self image issues and other crap very much because I feel like I'm not allowed to because I'm thin. I always just get "I'd die for your body" or "but being thin is healthy." Being underweight generally isn't healthy. I'm about 100 pounds right now, when I should be around 110 - 120 to be at the lower end of a healthy weight. I'm just happy and proud of myself that I've finally managed to stay above double digits consistently, even though it's taken me about 4 or 5 years to get here. There's not as much help out there to gain weight as there is for losing weight, and I've pretty much had to trial-and-error my way to finding something that works for me.
I do think these are on par with most AITA . When it comes to the last one I would not have called her "Chunky" because, while it might be giving her a taste of her on medicine, it wasn't going to change the situation.
Last one is a nta ( I'm my opinion, I respect yours) I think it's important to let people know how you feel by doing the same to them
I'm laughing at the calling herself grandma 😂 i hope he stopped asking her to call him daddy/come to a compromise in the end tho ♡
when I first came out as trans people would call me by my "new" name (this was 10+ years ago) so I started calling them a different name and they would get annoyed about it but It eventually sorted the problem lol
Yeah, I hope they worked it out. She was calling herself grandma though.
@@toddashi ah yeah lol ill correct it haha 😄 ops
I've always been a lanky kid and at first gym was fun for me! People liked taking turns giving me piggy back rides because I was so light!
Then Middleschool happened and sports became a huge deal and being athletic was the key to popularity. I obviously didn't do well in sports. I was very weak and couldn't lift many things. My classmates would scream at me and tried to disclude me whenever possible. What good is physical education if no one will pass you the ball? Every loss was blamed on me and people thought of I would just "eat a hamburger" it wouldn't happen, as if my weight issues had such a simple solution and I was just too lazy to eat
You always look beautiful- but your hair and makeup are fabulous today !
That slim/chunky one: OP told her repeatedly to stop and she didn't so when OP fires back, she gets upset. That's not how it works. If you don't want people commenting on your weight, don't comment on theirs. Simple as that. If OP hadn't told her to stop or if immediately after the first time the co-worker called her slim/toothpick, she fired back with chunky I would say she was in the wrong because maybe the co-worker didn't realize that it bugged OP so much. But because she told her to stop repeatedly, OP is 100% right to fire back and maybe now the co-worker will learn not to call her slim/toothpick and hopefully won't be commenting on anyone else's weight either. I am overweight and I can't even imagine calling someone slim or toothpick, just like I can't even imagine calling someone chunky or fat. People should not be defined by their weight because everyone is so much more than that. And just like some heavier people have issues with the way their body looks, some skinnier people also have issues with the way their body looks. You never know someone's story and what you can trigger in someone by pointing out their weight regardless of whether it's skinny or fat. I have been told countless times since I was 15 (I am now almost 30) that I would look better if I just exercised and ate less and that I looked better before I gained weight. What a lot of people don't know is that I have tried it all. I've exercised. I've dieted. I've eaten less. Nothing has worked. I just kind of have to embrace it and every time I think that I am okay and have accepted it, someone will say something to me and I'll end up feeling horrible after it. On the flip side of that I have friends that would eat almost any and everything (even unhealthy junk food) in hopes that they would be able to gain weight and it just didn't work. No matter what they ate, they couldn't gain weight and they too would feel bad when people pointed it out even if it was a comment like "I really wish I was like you. I wish I could eat everything and not gain weight." It seems like a compliment, but it really bugged them. Point is, people's bodies are different and that's okay. But when people point it out, that person could end up in a downward spiral and it can cause irreparable damage. It doesn't matter whether they're skinny, healthy weight, overweight or obese. Feeling like your body just doesn't look good enough is something that is not limited to overweight and obese people. Just remember that everyone is more than just their weight.
In the 1950s, there were adverts around that helped all people to put on weight. Curves and muscles were the trend of the day back then. Funny how things change from decade to decade.
What's interesting is the phrase "call a spade a spade" I always think of as the ace of spades, not a garden spade. But you've clearly gone "that hand cleaning device, you know, a broom"
I was thin in my high school years and hated it when people told me I was skinny or made it sort of dismissive, like a “you’re skinny, what do YOU have to worry about” kind of mentality. I felt like I wasn’t allowed to have any issues/insecurities because it was like “so what, you’re skinny”. That was hurtful. I was also in the music department with a girl who was naturally very skinny, and people started rumors that she was anorexic and everything she did (or didn’t) eat was a topic of conversation. She couldn’t go into the cafeteria without people wanting to see if she ate. It can definitely be just as bad being skinny because it’s “politically correct” to make fun of someone who is thin.
As someone who was constantly told I should eat more cause I was small then get side eyed when I did stack up my plate at events, I find people so confusing. Everyone I know considers me small. I’m about 1.6m and probably 70kg now. For context, I have never been severely underweight or overweight, I have always just floated on by with a pretty consistent healthy BMI (i know it doesn’t work for all but just giving context.) with everyone saying i should eat more and then back tracking when they see me load up a plate, i feel it has affected me, like I feel crap about my excess weight now which I put on due to medication being wrong for half a year. While I hide the excess weight really well but im still incredibly self conscious about how big my thighs are and the chub I have on my stomach. But no one knows this.
I don’t know. Talking about size whether it be height or weight is not something that should be an excessive nag about unless it’s fully communicated by both parties that no one is being offended by it. Do I like that people make fun of my height a lot. No but I can joke around it some times. Did I like when people would comment on how I was small and I should eat more? Absolutely not. Words have a serious effect in people. I honestly didn’t realise how much these comments affected me until I heard that last story.
Are you also autistic like me? The way you described trying to comply with people's expectations literally just resonated with me. I used to take a lot of those comments about me as literal instructions I was meant to fulfill and behaviours I was supposed to adhere to where I now realise that some of them may just have been people making unoriginal jokes or playing a role to look witty, not actually giving directives like that I needed to literally eat a certain amount in their presence for example.
@@zodfanza damn you called me out. Yes I am autistic. Mild ASD. I’m glad I’m not the only one in this boat
On the last one: I'm a fat guy and there is absolutely an institutionalised fatphobia in most of the western world that makes body shaming of heavier people something exceptionally charged.
THAT BEING SAID, there is absolutely no excuse for body shaming skinny people. To quote "Sunday in the Park with George," there is someone in this dress. We are more than just our bodies and we should absolutely treat each other as such. And I can see why OP resorted to giving her coworker a taste of her own medicine. When all else fails, sometimes you have to fight fire with fire. But it's important to explain that afterwards in order to reach a consensus and create a healthier working environment. So I think now that we've had return fire, it's time to sit everyone down and talk it out.
5:45. I have a serious aversion to the name calling of "daddy" I was harassed by an older cowoker (I was 19 at the time and he was 47) and he tried to force me to call him daddy at work. Every since then I could never in my life see myself calling someone daddy.
@sailor b I told my boss much later ( I was moving away for college at the time and I was terrified of him hurting me if I said anything while I worked there) She was mortified that it happened. She is a nice lady, but I didn't want him to hurt me out of anger.
With the last one, I agree with you Shaaba, it’s not ok for anyone to comment on anyone else’s weight because you don’t know what health things they might have. I myself an pretty slim because I have a fast metabolism, I know 2 people who are overweight because they’re on medication for depression/anxiety.
That said from my experience as a slimmer woman, people are less likely to call out someone calling someone slim etc
The last one really spoke to me - I've always been on the lower end of a healthy weight for my height and I'm not naturally curvy. I've had so many comments over the years about my weight / figure and people think it's ok because it's the opposite of being fat - it's not.
Growing up, several family members would call me things like "a matchstick with the wood scraped off" as a joke, which made me very self-conscious about my appearance.
I've even had random strangers ask me if I'm anorexic! A - I was a healthy weight, so it's an odd thing to assume from my appearance alone. B - that's not ok to ask someone, especially someone you don't know!
In my mind, calling someone skinny is exactly the same as calling someone fat.
I don't mind slim, but I wouldn't want it as a nickname! Regardless, if someone asks you not to call them something, even if it's a completely innocuous word, you should stop calling them that.
It seems like this person went through all the reasonable steps and then ran out of options. Honestly, I don't think that's a healthy work environment - particularly as their boss did nothing (next time it might be more serious) - and they should consider looking for another job.
Your hair looks so lovely today! Always looking forwards to more episodes in this series 😊
The last one it sounds like she tried to handle it kindly but at that point nothing was working. That manager is definitely SHIT. I think it was rude of her to target her coworker's weight back, but I also get it because what else can she do? Manager won't step in, and asking coworker to stop doesn't work. Honestly this sounds like a shitty work environment and I hope she looked / looks for a new job.
Last story, I agree with ESH - however, I am someone who has always had trouble with my weight in the "chunky" direction, my mom is someone who has always struggled with her weight in the "slim" direction. She can't keep weight on - any stress and she stops eating. So I can see it from both points of view and both are hurtful. The coworker definitely owes the OP an apology for stamping all over their boundaries and not complying with a stated request, and the OP can counter the apology with one of their own for calling out the coworker. It just should not have gotten to this point, and if the coworker had any respect at all for OP it would not have.
Sometimes you need to "stoop to that level" to make the bully understand, and I stand by that, especially if the "please stop doing/saying that" doesn't work.
Edit: Saw someone talk about defending yourself when no one else will, and I completely agree. If physical self defense is done with force, why can't verbal be the same, when it can be just as traumatising.
The period one... :< There are red flags here and they have nothing to do with any purported leaking on OP's part! While I can understand wanting to keep the furniture nice, it really sounds like this is about more than that. To give a counter example of what a healthy "keep the furniture nice" request looks like: I am a very clumsy person and my roommate and I are both aware and acknowledging of this fact. Most of the furniture in our house is furniture he chose before we moved in together, and a lot of it is things he's inherited from family, so he has a personal attachment to it more than I do. So on occasion he'll ask me or remind me to do things like use a cutting board or a table cloth, to protect our dining table from nicks or spilled liquids. This helps me too, because sometimes his reminders prevent me from hurting myself, and I don't want to have to spend a lot of energy cleaning up a mess I could have prevented. The difference here though, and the reason it doesn't feel to me as though he's putting inanimate objects over my feelings, is because he asks respectfully. He says please, he offers to help by getting me the things I need, and on the occasions when I have made messes or nearly caused damage to things, he doesn't get mad, he simply helps me clean it up and tends to my feelings and well being before assessing the damage to the furniture. In the same sort of context, if he were to ask me to put down a towel during heavy bleeding days, I wouldn't be offended. It would be clear to me that he's just being cautious, and sitting on a towel is not an unreasonable ask - it's easy enough for me to do and doesn't cause any issues.
However... by putting the towels down FOR OP, without regard to whether she would agree to this and not even asking her, along with all of the other strange behavior (like the refusing to cuddle and making her sleep somewhere else?!?!?), it really sounds like there are some deep issues that OP's boyfriend needs to work on. Even if it is rooted in some sort of legitimate need (like some kind of strangely misogynistic germophobia, I... guess...), then the boyfriend's approach should be to explain his position, ask for accommodations, and respect when those accommodations can't be given. The thing that really tips me towards major alarm bells about the boyfriend, though, is that the furniture is referred to as HIS furniture. Maybe he paid for it, or like in the case of me and my roommate, has some personal attachment to it that the OP doesn't. But if they live together - it's THEIR furniture. She has just as much of a right to exist in their shared space as he does. If he's treating her like a tenant or an annoying guest, it speaks volumes to how he sees her and how he will continue to treat her in the future.
11:43 my first thought was: what kind of Leviticus sh*t is this lol
Honestly, I can really relate to that last one. Probably would not have done what OP did, but I use to get comments much like the ones they were getting. Mostly from larger girls. So much so that I am now leery of becoming friends with larger girls because I worry about the comments. I never bring up wait, I actually find larger girls attractive. But not being given the same respect back, hurts tbh.
Can I just tell a story that happened last week where I was at my high school art class, and we had a relief teacher (substitute) and, you know how high schoolers are: extremely disrespectful. But I was paying attention even more than normal because I was really happy and her voice reminded me of Shaaba. I hadn’t even had a hot chocolate that day because those always make me happy, just like these videos!
That bride who accused her groom of "taking the spotlight" as if the entire wedding were all about her and only her and it wasn't the groom's wedding, too, may want to look up the definition of "partnership" in the dictionary And then seek professional help.
The last one is something that isn't talked about enough in my opinion, I'm tall and very skinny (and have been my whole life) and people always bring it up. Almost every time I see family or family friends and the topic of what I want to do when I leave school comes up, they always joke about me becoming a model, when I have clearly expressed several times that comments on my weight and this topic make me very uncomfortable. Not even mentioning the fact that I struggle with mental health and body image and went through a period of time where I was monitored for an ED ( I still have to have my weight checked regularly because of it). So thank you for covering this topic and hopefully bringing some awareness to the struggles of being under weight. Have a great day and thank you for the joy and moments of learning that you bring with your channel.
My gosh you are beautiful Shaaba!! I don't just mean because of your make up today ( which IS freaking amazing ) , you are just so beautiful inside and out. You and Jamie are such an amazing positive influence on TH-cam.
I really like to listen to your opinión about the AITA histories. Thank you for sharing with us Shaaba! 💛🌻
As someone who's been "skinny shamed" for years by family members, it's not okay and very harmful.
The weight one is such a intense topic. I have been on both sides of the extreme, myself. I'm 5'11 and have been everywhere from 116lbs to over 260lbs. Usually yo-yoing dramatically in between. When I was thin other would call me 'twiglet' and think it would be okay to trash talk plus sized ppl in front of me. When I was big any food near my mouth disgusted ppl, offered diet products, and assumed I would be okay trash talking the 'skinny bitches'. Worse is that Doctors don't take me seriously at either end of the spectrum. If thin, I Can't be unhealthy because I am thin, but if I was bigger than all my problems are because I'm fat. Body shaming is just as cruel on both ends. The public has an eye on fat phobia at the moment, but both deserve to been done away with. If a person can't fix it in under 5 minutes, do not bring it up.