The end of *female friendships* & why the "girl gang" is in decline
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 29 พ.ค. 2024
- So many of us have lost so many precious female friendships in our lifetime. Let's get into why adult female friendships are in decline and so hard to maintain. We'll talk about HBO's Sex and the City and Insecure and compare real life friendships to those shown on tv.
Feel free to share your personal experiences in the comments section below!
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Chapters
00:00 Intro
01:46 The power of the "group"
03:53 What can we really say?
06:44 Single vs married women
08:45 Were they ever really your friend?
10:03 Life, evolution and growth - บันเทิง
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I work at a nursing home and basically everyone there has friends they’ve known since the first grade, high school, college…Our generations have just changed friendships drastically.
This is so true. Someone pointed out to me older people tend to have the same friends since childhood! The more I pay attention the more I see it. I have many theories on why our gen can’t stay friends.
Lol yeah
@@TheDroShow what theories
Yes because of what can you do for me mentality everyone wants to be successful
@@TheDroShow Women lack a sense of community. Most women don't have substance or integrity and I agree with the other commenter that everyone is looking to use the next person for some kind of "come up".
Social media has definitely ruined socializing.
Friendships are like romantic relationships. Some stick, and some don’t.
I don't think the romantic type of love is special. And I am started to think that the romantic type of love isn't real. I mean about more than half of romantic couples either break up with each other or divorce each other, while most platonic best friends remain friends until death.
I think that having a platonic best friend is a lot better than having a romantic partner or spouse is. Having someone who's like a sibling to you is a lot better than having a romantic partner or spouse. Also, you are more likely to be much more closer to someone who's like a brother or sister to you than you would be with a romantic partner or spouse.
People tend to fight with their partner or spouse a lot more than they do with a platonic best friend, and you never fight with your best friend the way you fight with your partner or spouse. Partners and spouses are just temporary. If you break up or divorce them, it's hard to go back to them. With your platonic best friend, you're going to make things work, because they are your best friend, they are your go to partner. It's always easier to make amends with them than it is with a romantic partner or spouse.
Romantic relationships are pointless, while platonic relationships are not.
I love and adore my female friendships but in my own experience, female friendships are only valued BEFORE the boyfriend or husband comes along. Once one of these happen your friendship is done.
Agreed. I've always been the 'look out for my friends' girl and I learned the very hard way that the friendship bond is great until Dick enters the picture. After losing my best friend recently after I spoke up about her helping break up a marriage, and I have determined to never again speak up when it comes to dudes. I now see red flags and shut my mouth.
I am currently married and went on bumble to look for friends and treat my friends like absolute queens, I think you just met low quality woman who would put a beautiful friendship down for a man, which I think is unacceptable even if that person is your life partner.
I have a question. How do males and females bond with each other? I don't see how men and women can bond (especially romantically) with each other. Men and women think very differently from each other. It seems like it's impossible for men and women to emotionally connect with each other.
Women do emotionally connect with other women, better than men do. Women can build incredible friendships and become very close to each other in a way men can't bond, and science shows that women can bond very well with each other. Generally, women are even more social than men are. After something bad happens, a woman quickly rushes to talk to all of her female friends to get support, whereas a man can isolate himself and grief alone.
Women tend to be more emotionally intelligent, more caring, more empathic, more compassionate, more affectionate, more loyal, more nurturing, more understanding, more sympathetic, more sensitive, more kind-hearted, more peaceful, more calmer, more gentle, more selfless, more expressive, more intuitive, and more outward than men are, and thus bond more with other women in a special way that they can’t with men. Men, on the other hand, are not that emotional, and thus can’t bond with other men in a special way. Women regulate emotion better.
Women are more comfortable being around with other women than they are with men. They have a type of bond that usually men with women won’t really have, or with men and men. Also, girls that are friends touch each other in ways that guys just don’t.
Not true
@@Xara_K1instead of becoming toxic yourself, maybe you should keep speaking up and cut out the toxic monsters out of your life and befriend good decent people.
I started noticing how obsessed most of my women friends were in our late 30s, it felt like all got so desperate to find a man to rush to the alter. I noticed a lot of "pick me" cut throat and back stabbing energy. It was quite sad seeing some girlfriends competing for the same dusty men. I even had my best friend flirt with 2 of my boyfriends over the years. She would confess to me years later that they secretly hit on her.
Now that Im 40, most of my friends are married or just entering motherhood.
I've experienced jealousy and resentment from family, friends and coworkers. They hate to see me happy and successful. I've pulled away from all of them. I'd rather be a happy hermit than suffer surrounded by a group.
This video came at the right time. My only female friend I have is my grandma. I realized that my “ best friend” wasn’t really my friend and I had a lot of one sided friendships as well. My best friend would constantly make back handed comments to me and would shame me for not liking the same music as her. My friends in general didn’t care about me and were only using me. I also had toxic friends who were jealous of me and instead of being proud of my accomplishments, they were in competition with me. I also had a friendship breakup last year and at this point I rather have no friends than fake friends.
Hey I completely understand how you are feeling, I have been through hell and back with friends and soem of my friendships, however pleased do not loose hope, there are amazing girlys ( I am assuming you are a girl lol) out there that are supportive, amazing friends so please do not loose hope, you will find them. Do not loose hope with friendships, you make 10 friends 7 will be bad and fake but 1-3 will be the best friend you ever had.
I know what you feel. I lost my friend, who I found out wasn't prepared to hear the voice of reason. Then I ve realized that she is going through menopause and experience all kinds of crazy thoughts and ideas, where I can't and won't support her. So she dumped me like a piece of trash after 10 years of friendship. It feels like I ve lost a limb. But I will continue to grow and I will remain true to myself and so will you 🥰
Some women can do it. I admire those women who can or who have done it. I was not able to maintain any deep significant friendships over the years.
I feel you. I find it too hard nowadays to be a good friend to/ surround someone that has another ulterior agenda and they think of others as disposable. However, I am still a little hopeful of finding people with the same wavelength.
I don't know how old are you, but I have found my best friends in my mid twenties and still getting to know pretty awesome people till today in my mid thirties. So don't give up!
@@esikazemese I’m 34 and haven’t had a best friend or true meaningful friendship since college. I actually have prayed about it. I even put it on a vision board. I would love girl friends that I align with. I just settle for tv shows with excellent friend groups 😆. Pretend they are my friends lol.
@@toriyt2714 Awwww, I wish you the best friends to come!!!
Same, girl. I'd like to have a "girl squad" but that hasn't worked out. I'm as much to blame as they are too. I don't place ALLLL the blame on the other women.
People evolve and so should friendships.. they should always be free flowing imo. Maintaining friendships is like maintaining any other long term relationship.. you put in work, give and take, expect bad times/dry spells, and continue to accept the other person despite their shortcomings *as long as they’re not abusive or toxic*
This makes me realize im blessed to have close and trustworthy female friendships many of which have spanned over a decade. 🧿❤
That’s absolutely amazing! 🩷
Same. I have two friends for over 25 years, and we are as close as sisters. Our friendships used to be as intense as the one shown in this video, really a bit overinvolved into each others lives, helping each other with careers and money and mental health support, but also getting emotional over our friends love life. We really had to have some arguments to learn to pull back and just hold them up, while letting them walk their own path. I love them, but there were some painful moments which you had to hold on through. I also lost two friends, one became so toxic towards me (and maybe I seemed like that to her) and the other one just chose a life I had no place in.
I'm grateful that my girlfriends believe in having a balanced life. Your husband or boyfriend shouldn't be your whole life. You are also a sister, a daughter, and a friend.
When I met my girlfriends, I had made my late son my whole life. As a result, when he passed away, I did not know who I was. I only thought of myself as a mother. I forgot that I was also a sister, a daughter, a lover, and a friend. It was my girlfriends who helped me redefine myself.
So ladies, it's great to find love and have children, but remember that you are not just a wife and a mother. You are so many things. Don't neglect that.
very sorry for your loss 😢
Sorry for your loss! I agree. I’ve watched friends get dumped by men and realize they barely have a shoulder to cry on after
Most of my female friends just started ghosting me when I got a boyfriend. One of the girls turned really toxic ("how come YOU of all people have a man, but I don't?! You don't deserve that guy, he sounds like he's perfect for me"). The only friendship that has lasted is between me and my sister. Love her to the moon and back.
Jesus I’m so sorry their jealously just affected your friendship. I’m not sure why girls are so pick me ish nowadays
Damn to say all of that just for some rat
And this is why I'll NEVER understand why women say it's a "red flag" if a girl/women DOESN'T have any friends.
I don't see anything "wrong" with being a friendless, introverted, loner. 🤷
Its okay to NOT have friends.
Would it be nice? Sure.
Is it necessary? No.
I'm an introvert and have been for years. I'd rather be an introverted loner, "awkward", "boring"/"basic"/"mid" and alone than to be surrounded by snakes/fake friends! That's just me though.
Thank you! Not everyone is an extrovert. And it's rare to have "that friend".
Yeah and some of us are deeply traumatized by our past friendships plus we are introverts. I would love nothing more than to have mermaid friends to swim with but women have always tried to tear me down and men just wanna be friends cause they like you.
This video is so timely! I just finished watching Insecure. Molly's and Issa's friendship was so strong -- they were always there for each other, always had each others' backs at the end of the day, always showed up for one another. And it made me realize that while I have a lot of good friends, I don't have that person that is just there for me like that. It made me pretty sad, but also wanting to create that for myself as well, while I'm still in my early 20's.
Yesss exactlyyy this!
Sameeee makes me feel bad
@@petitelune5284 it should not make you feel bad. Life is fluctuating all the time and it is pretty unrealistic to rely on THAT ONE FRIEND through everything, and that is OK. That is way too much pressure on that person and you as well. But I hope you surround yourself with good people :)
Look for the ones that pour into you as much as you do them, then do more to be there for them.
This! Omgosh same
I think it's important to try to maintain at least one of two friendships. Last year and year before I was so depressed because I'm a late bloomer so I felt behind everyone in life. I hated only seeing my close girlfriends at superficial gatherings where we couldn't actually get into deep conversations. My life got better this year, so now in a sick way I almost feel more "worthy" of those friendships and partipating in society. I didn't forget my one girlfriend who was much more successful than me but was still willing to be there for me. I ended up treating her to a nice dinner because she helped me get my current job and truly felt like the only one that cared about me this past year and would give me tough love when I needed it, whereas all my girlfriends don't know or care about what's been going on in my life. I used to be really resentful of it but I realized that's life and just made me appreciate my smaller circle. I also don't have all the time and energy to check in on every one of my girlfriends. Just sucks if you're the one "left behind" in life.
I have been at the receiving end. I got married and feel some friends dumped me along the way. Worst was a so called best friend for a decade accused me of things that I dont feel are true. It felt like a breakup and 5 years on, i still feel bad about being dumped
Ugh the end of a friendship can be so painful. I’m sorry you had to go through this. 😣
@@bfbmain thank you. And thanks for all your hard work. You are very inspiring. ❤️
i recently broke up with my best friend of four years. i guess we just changed so much this past year. i don't really have any girlfriends now and it sucks (the ones i had have all left the country/city now) . i really hope one day i can have a beautiful, fulfilling, sisterly best friendship again
@@kiranjitKaur61 maybe for you.
im Sorry that happened,hope u can find someone 💕
The unfortunate truth about all relationships is that you grow closer by resolving conflicts and solving problems. And that inherently comes with making mistakes. The way we live now, in keeping the peace, swerves that conflict all together. So a lot of our closeness comes from legit proximity. And when that proximity is lost so is that relationship. Now I know that’s incredibly generalized, there is nuance. Not every pairing that’s gone through hell and back is going to stay together forever and all that, but the trust and understanding you’ve created in that relationship I believe has a higher weight when it comes to letting those lights die out.
(Tangentially, the fact that so much distrust is illustrated as a given in female friendships paired with the artificial landscape of this new digital world really doesn’t help either. How are you going to trust and rely on anyone when everywhere you turn you presume distrust and fairness while the content and everyday stuff you intake is also advertising that?)
Really interesting topic! Appreciate your take on this. Always feel like I’m thinking deeper after watching your videos ❤
Thanks so much for your kind words, and for your thoughts! 🩷
Oh I love how you explained this!
When it comes to my friends being in relationships, I could definitely describe myself as acting like a Miranda. I care way too much and then when things go bad, they eventually stop coming to me to vent and for advice. Lol
You’re correct about friendships on tv being very different. For one thing, I notice irl girl groups don’t always go well especially when everyone is so different as presented on tv. I grew to see that so many different people are not always compatible in a group. This dynamic was on the shows “Girlfriends” & “In Living Color”. I don’t think it’s impossible, but I do notice that people who are similar work better together.
The part about the married & single friends is interesting. I agree that some women act obnoxious when they get into relationships or married. On the other side, people don’t really talk about the single friends that can be jealous when the coupled friends are in relationships or get married. It’s sad there has to be so much toxicity, competition, jealousy, and other issues in friendships. Friendships are supposed to be the most simple, easiest relationships and nowadays they’re the hardest. You even have people who are opting out of friendships altogether because of the exhaustion and toxicity.
In general I think A LOT of people don’t know how to be friends. And nowadays people are not as community oriented as they were in the past. It’s also WILD that the 2010’s was all about girl power, women empowerment, women supporting women, feminism, and now we’re seeing a “female friendship recession”. All over TikTok and on here young women in their 20s and 30s are proclaiming they don’t want friends or don’t have friends. Sad because women friendships are so important when healthy. We are humans and have to bond and be social.
On the other hand I agree with your other point: I actually do think it’s ok to not have so much depth in a HEALTHY away. I feel like some women friendships are too into each others business (especially pertaining to men and dating) and can get too clingy to the point of codependency. A healthy balance is needed. I find a lot of people are not looking for depth in regards to human connection, but “depth” in regards to trauma dumping, having a personal therapist, a surrogate mom/significant other/etc. The lack of emotional intelligence exists in both romantic and platonic relationships.
Overall I really enjoyed this video!
I have 2 very close friends who I have known for more than a decade. We all live in different continents, moved for work, life changes. But still try to stay in touch. My best friend and I chat every week.
To me the secret of maintaining long friendships- is not be afraid of conflict and setting realistic expectations.
Conflict is bound to happen, but having the willingness and inclination to work through those fights and differences is actually half the battle. And being willing to work through conflict encourages more authenticity. I can say what I truly feel to my friend even if I completely disagree with her- because I know she will do the same for me and call me out and is always coming from a good place. And that one fight or disagreement won't end the friendship - because we have established that trust.
And secondly, having realistic expectations of each other- maybe your friend is going through something and doesn't have time to meet or respond. Letting go expectations of prompt reply all the time or that we have to be in each other's pockets. As long as when we talk/meet, we are open and authentic and I truly feel seen- that is enough for me.
Some unrelated thoughts:
- I definitely believe you should try to fix problems in relationships before giving up on them right away, but if the bad patterns continue, it's necessary. Bad friendship dynamics doesn't necessarily include anyone being a 'bad person', but that you've become incompatible. I've been on both sides of friendship breakups. I can't speak for the people who dumped me, but the friends I had to part ways with kept making a lot of...should I say questionable decisions that kept involving me in a lot of drama, or just being plain disrespectful.
- It's totally normal for friendships to change as a function changing lifestyles. Like, I can't realistically expect a friend who just had a baby to have a ton of time available to hang out with me. But as long as it's still a healthy friendship (see above) then it can continue.
- I do think a lot of people in this world don't realize that maintaining relationships take effort. Like it shouldn't take a ton of effort, but there seems to be this expectation among some people that they shouldn't have to lift a finger or show up for others but people should still want to be their friend. It's not bad intention on their part, but they just never learned to show up for people in their lives.
A few years ago, there was a friend in my friend group who kept cancelling plans last minute, not calling or texting, and would only agree to see us if we made the 45-minute trek to her house in the suburbs (where she lived with her partner, no kids). A lot of us assumed she was purposefully distancing herself from us so we eventually stopped including her in messages and plans. Then one day out of the blue, she got sad and asked us why we don't hang out anymore. I pointed out that she never made the effort and it actually seemed like she was dodging us. She was surprised - it's like she just expected all of us to read her mind! I've heard similar types of experiences from others.
This was a really great commentary on female friendships. I have always been the type of woman who form these amazing friendships with other woman at work. I mean I would go to dinner, clubs , parties. I was tight with these woman and then for whatever reason I would leave the job, they would leave or we both leave and we just stop communicating. I still have nothing but love and respect for them but like you say life just gets in the way.
Just initiate contact and see what happens
I used to harbor a lot of resentment towards the friends I'd lost through the years but these days I realize that life happens and we lose connections. With the time apart came the healing and I was able to let go of my hurt feelings.
I've reconnected with some friends from my youth and though we don't get to spend a lot of time talking like we did as kids and teens, it's so nice to reunite and catch up!
Some great friends from your past may come back around and be a part of a new chapter in your life ❤
Any time I've felt like someone is making a mistake, and then I took the time to ask them why they were doing what they were doing, and they explained it to me, I saw it from their perspective and then I was the one who changed their mind. Conversely, when people act like I need a wake up call, I usually find they are patronizingly making many untrue assumptions about me.
I want to have female friends, but I can't with pickmeisha's
They’re out there! Don’t worry. Used to be a minor pick me. It then I met more women and now I’m all for women and female friendships.
I had a friend of nearly 20 years basically ditch the friendship because of just. People don't value it anymore.
I'm married with child. Still I have girl(well now women) friendships which are 20+ 15+ and 10y old. And I see them once weekly or every second week depending. With the friend which I've been friend since 12yo I'm gonna open a business soon. One day my children will also have their friends and my husband has his own friends. You nurture your friendships just like family|romantic relationships, we ALL changed a lot trough years of course, but we evolved together so did our friendship. Of course there were friendships who have fallen over the years but that goes for any kind of relationship.
I'm grateful for my best friend, I'm the type of hustle-career driven person workaholic and she's a working mom of a toddler. We share a lot of interests and she genuinely makes my life better by being in it, so I always make an effort to see her and spend time with her even if spending time is helping her with her is blasting music, chatting and helping her with her child and household chores❤
There is no such thing as good life without friends. People who cut their friends because they are so happy with their couple will crawl back crying if the relationship ends. Also depending only on that one significant other for life seems pretty fucking toxic to me. I love my friends, I would never give up the people who stood by my side for 10+ years and luckily they feel the same way. But of course it's not the same when we used to live together, but that is totally OK.
I respectfully disagree. I was in an mentally abusive friendship for four years. she would pinch me if I talked to other people, flirt with people I had a romantic connection with, pressure me in certain situations, complained if I asked her for something, embarassed me in front of other people, had sex with two of the people I had a connection with, would be the cause of fights between me and my exes, went out of her way to disrespect any boundaries I had, and called me derogatory names like b*tch in public. we stopped speaking shortly after I graduated because she was friends with an ex that treated me bad and she knew about. Other people around me also had some similar experiences with this person. Ive managed to stay no contact for 7 years now. last year, I also had another fall out with a friend because she was talking and following a different "ex" that disrespected me big time even though I had told her about it some time before. she literally gave me the push to cut him off for good This one epecially hurt because things were good up until this point. it seemed as if she was a gals gal. they were no warning signs and things were more than fine. Im 26 now and ive entered the No time for foolishness stage.
Lmao no friends needed here to have a good life. My husband is my best friend.i haven’t had a girl friend (fake relationships) since high school. I’m in my 30s.
I only need my man
I always feel that instead of looking at what's politically correct and especially whether the friend is being politically correct or not, we should instead try to be more empathetic towards the friend instead of judging them. All of us are learning and evolving and friendship is the last place where any of us should be judged
Yes empathy...this is how I aim to be to my female friends
I am asexual and not super romantically inclined, so I find my friendships extremely important, but I am filled with a feeling of fear when I think of them getting into romantic relationships, even though they deserve them, and it is good for them, because I am going to be moved to a much lower priority for them and they are going to spend less effort and time upkeeping our (equally important if not more so, depending on the friendship) relationship
I lost my best friend during the pandemic due to differences in opinion and political ideology. It was terrible and unnecessary. I accepted that she was different than me and made her own health choices, but she could not accept mine. She wanted me to respond to the crisis in the same way she did, and if I didn’t it made me a fundamentally bad person in her eyes. Forget the 8 years of friendship where I displayed with words and actions my support, kindness, and respect for her. Nope, gotta throw the baby out with the bath water because politicians tell you to hate the other half the country.
Oh wow, I'm so sorry. That sounds incredibly painful to have to go through... It's really so unfortunate how divisive almost every single discussion has become nowadays.
@@bfbmain❤☮️
Tragic.
This was such an interesting take that I haven't thought about. I feel like it's incredibly important to speak up about issues that you have with your friends. HOWEVER, if your friend is saying condescending things to you and making you feel bad about your own situation, that means they have their own issues to deal with. In the end, I believe that it's important to have friends that are on the same path as you (ex: If one friend is healing/growing and the other friend is not, this could cause resentment vs having a friend that's on a similar healing path). Amazing video 💛
I have 2 best friends: 1 for 18 years, another for 7 years. We live different lives and they live back in my hine home town. (I moved for my job) been through hell and back with these two ❤😊.
I love that for you! 🩷❤️
Love the video! And ur so pretty btw❤ I feel the same way as you, yesterday i was browsing on youtube to watch video about bestfriends story, how we met etc and it was a struggle to find one, all i saw was “how my best friend betrayed me blablabla storytime”. I really value friendship as much as relationships but its been a struggle to find that type of friendship soulmate now. When i was younger i experienced soulmate types of friendship until it ended lol. But i found that i gravitate more towards tv shows like insecure, harlem (which is great), sex and the city, survival of the thickest etc because i really crave a connected group of friends that would be like sisters. I want that more than i want a partner tbh.
Absolutely! Wholesome female friendships are so precious and powerful and those that have them are really, very lucky. Also thank you so much 🩷❤️
whats it feel like to have a soulmate type friendship?
I see a lot of the points you're making but I gotta admit my experience has been overall quite different. I'm almost 35 now and I've known many of my closest friends since I was 11, 15, and 20. There are also many "lighter" friends (as in, we've mostly fallen out of touch but we know we still care about each other) who I've known for basically my whole life. Female friendships have always been a priority in my life and in many ways, I actually consider my closest friends "the loves of my life". With most of them, we don't meet up that often anymore because life gets hectic and some of them live abroad, but when we do meet up we always have very deep and honest conversations about everything that has been going on in our lives and going through our heads and hearts since we last saw each other, and I really think it keeps the friendships authentic and alive. (Wine helps too lol! Two glasses, and we laugh and gossip like it's high school all over again haha) Many of these friendships have also gone through significant crises over the years, but as long as we gave each other a lot of space to process everything and then discussed it with honesty and intention to mend things, we've always managed to pull through in the end. Imo every close relationship requires a huge amount of tolerance, forgiveness and understanding from both in order to continue to grow, and today's culture which is more and more focused on individualism, encouraging people to cut off everything remotely "toxic" and "unnecessary" from their life immediately, is not congruent with that.
I agree that keeping a mid friendship is better. Back in college I kept it real with my best friend about her boyfriend. Even her mother told me to talk to her about this guy. Well I did and that changed our relationship. We are no longer close but it was honestly for the better.
I think we take seasonal or reason friendships as life long friendships. Most times that friendship was true and genuine in that season but once that season is over, it’s okay to let it go. Life long friendships are rare. We might only get a few. A gang or group of friends is unlikely
My best friends and I have been close since we were middle schoolers (mid 20s now). We were a group of four, but are now more like four groups of three (I'm not at all in contact with one of them - the silence did not start from my end - and my closest friend of the group is not in contact with my other close friend). None of us even live in the same state, or talk daily or even weekly, but we've maintained the depth of our relationships for the most part. I'm the really direct friend of the group, like Miranda. I can't handle people repeatedly exhibiting the same behavior that hurts them over and over again, and needing support every single time. After a certain point (and I tend to give people years), I have to walk away for my own emotional health, because I care so deeply about their well-being and would continue to stress myself out. I can say for sure that I've been Miranda and I've been Carrie 🤣 but at my big age... No more Carrie behavior.
Haha love this! I've always been a Miranda tbh but have learned to be a bit less direct over time. And like you, I'll give people a decade before realizing it's time to walk away 😅
Friendship without accountability is like trying to call a puddle a lake.
I noticed as soon as I’m not a “yes man” and tell my friends what they want to hear I’m the bad guy. Smh why can’t I be honest and still have a friend after..
I've been getting so much recommendations on this topic and adjacent ones (lol thanks algorithm), and while I empathise with everyone who has felt this sadness of losing friends/not having them , it's also kind of made me feel affirmed and seen that this seems to be a global learning curve and realisation... This is especially because even though I've had to realise these friendship changes and diminishings, I had also taken it upon myself and blamed myself and believed that there must have been something specifically wrong and repulsive about me - even with baring in mind trying your best to be a good person and kind etc.
Now I know that I'm not weird for basically have no solid friendships (let alone female) in my 20s, post-pandemic.
I think this video was a little bit one sided and too pessimistic for my tastes.
In middle school, I lost my best friend to cancer. And I made a wish to find a best friend forever. I found her and I immediately knew she had a beautiful soul and we vibed! We lived in different continents, went to different schools in high school. But we always made a vow to be each others best friend for life, she knows about all my phases in life and I know hers. I just embrace her journey and I always hold a safe space for her without judgement in a world where it seems impossible to escape.
Yes, there were times where I just kept my advice to myself (« break up with your boyfriend ») because I respect her choices and trust that it’s only up to her to build her journey.
Now she has a boyfriend and yes spends a lot of time with him, but we always carve out some time to talk just the two of us, because now we are luckily living again in the same city.
Quite literally BFFs and I plan to be with her until the very end.
This is a lovely video inviting us to look at our relationships. What came to mind in viewing this is about rights of passage and community. In the US we really lack any sorts of rights of passage ( in a consistent way across the country though there may be pockets in some communities) beyond the age of 21. Us ladies also appear to be disproportionately effected by age averse culture and so many adult women get caught up in trying to be the ‘maiden ‘ ( as in the archetype, maiden, mother, wise woman and wild woman), when it is better suited for us to be mother (not necessarily in the literal sense), wise woman or wild woman. To be the resivoir of feminine knowledge and the ones who help other women along in their journey through womanhood. It’s not just friendship that’s changed, it’s sisterhood. Our culture has gone from overly harsh to overly sensitive ( which is typical when you’re trying to something new, just think of a time when you decided to make change, many people go into an extreme phase) we do this because we’re quite literally built for assessment our surroundings and picking out commonalities in it, we all have the reticular activating system as this sentinel in our brain that served the purpose of survival in the past and we’ve put into overdrive in our current time. Bringing back circles of women, of different ages and life experiences can certainly help us to create new opportunities to engage in rights of passage, and the passing of wisdom.
Love this!! You explaining your points with movie references & clips of them. Not to mention your great & relatable analysis! ❤️ This video deserves more views
Lovely video! You make such good points ❤
I agree in terms of the relationship being in danger of being broken when challenged. I have the inverse issue where I speak my mind, and I genuinely do care but I’ve said these words of “you decide what to do but I don’t want to hear it.” But usually that ends in them distancing themselves. But I’m definitely not keeping my mouth shut. You don’t have to follow my advice but if you ask, I will give it. And I don’t give it based on my judgment, I give it based on what my friend has said that they’re looking for in the past. So I remind them of their own goals and desires. If they decide to betray themselves, as long as I did my duty of being a friend based on my personal standards, it’s on them.
hey, this felt good on my mind. thanks)
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I would argue it's the opposite: female frienships are becoming the center of today's media. And what's more is that they're portrayed realistically, flawed, raw, as in any other relationship. broad city, insecure, the good girls, dead to me portray relationships between friends with all the messineness of real life, and the joys. so no, we're far from the period of BFFs, but we're in the midst of realistic female frienships
and saying exactly what you mean, even if it causes tension, is what bonds people beyond, what solidifies as frienship as a once-in-a-lifetime, precious thing
I agree
I agree with you, but what I’m saying is a little bit different: the female friendships shown in media are exactly what you state, exhibiting raw and realistic relationships. My point is, I’m seeing less and less of these friendships in real life, where people may prefer ease and individuality over the effort it takes to maintain their friendships. And I pose the question on which is better; the mess but depth in a relationship or an ease but surface level friendship.
@@bfbmain In my life, I've been experiencing female friendships coming back in a major way, but I think that's because I made the choice to dedicate that time and energy to it. But if I had kids, would I be able to? Really good question.
Your video is very good, I like the idea of a "bubble" and how it ties in with stages of life. I think it would be helpful to have some tips on keeping the right girl friends and also change the font color and size of the different sections to be more easily readable (I would recommend white color and a plain sans serif font if you're keeping the background which is really pretty!)
Thank you for this video. I have been grappling with the thought that I am incapable of keeping a set of female friends because I am too busy or too much. In reality, I have just been moving through life at a pace that's different from theirs. I do believe that some friendships can weather that test, but their has to be an abundance of trust and care put into the relationship to keep it going. In the real world, a lot of friendships are built on similar circumstances that align perfectly. When those circumstances are fixed, the friendship falls apart because their glue is gone. This really helped me to move on!
I always wanted a girlgroup but that shit is hard to find.. i know alot of women who are obsessed with men validation it's sickening. Don't get me wrong i love men but i would never Tell my friends that they are overreacting when she tells me she felt harrased
This video really hit home for me and something I too contemplate and I'm currently writing about. I feel the same way; interestingly, I heard recently about the Dunbar study, that humans really only have the capacity for 5 close friendships. I feel that I have my 5 and sometimes even those within the 5 can ebb and flow in terms of depth. I'm learning to be okay with that even though it was a very long time of grieving some friendships i no longer have. Thanks for this video essay! Loved it :)
This was right on time.
It's all about being in it together whatever that is and as soon as people start moving on to other things contact starts to dissipate. From school to adulthood to families you'll probably find the ones who have followed that path are still maintaining their friendships.
Enjoyed watching your videos, thank you. Would be good to take your thoughts on Sweet Magnolias in a future video!
I’ll be sure to check it out! Thank you for the suggestion 😊
I'm so glad I have female and male friends who've been there through boyfriends, husbands and kids and all! We've always been a little 'gang first'- any man who dates one of the group needs to understand that he needs the approval of the gang- we've known his girlfriend for 20 years longer than him minimum, and so if he gets vetoed, it's over. I remember once one girl's fiance lost his mind over my friend still having male friends and we really had to set him right there. Whatever happens, it's the gang first.
Yes I too have lost my best female friendships 😢...I'm really sad about that. I wish so much I would have just set boundaries and kept it not as close and personal.
I remember my last friend. She was my best friend growing up. When she became sexually active, she started changing into a person who seemed obsessed with guys and refused to respect herself or others...stry for another day.
Well, she met another person at school who i was also friends with..only the girl was jealous of the relationship between us so she started spreading lies and wedging between us. My mentality has always been, if someone cared about you something like this would never happen. Long story short she stoped talking to me after years of wonderful friendship.
What i found to be interesting is that it seemed to me that the problem she had with me is that i respected her as a person and saw value in her. The reality of the situation is thag people dont like to be respected or genuinely cared for. And that's finw with me, id rather not participate.
And i hate to say this, but a lot od thia video sounds like an excuse for poor behavior. Women and girls have the tendency to place partners on a pedestal and to be quite frank would proudly choose a diseased dick over someone who was the only shoulder they could cry on.
Its cool though. I dont mind. She probanly found out that her so-called crush liked me and was mad even though the feeling definitely wasnt mutual.
I am blessed to have close relationships with family. At the end of the day, they're the people that matter the most to me.
And just to show how fake the so called friend is, she pretended to not know I asked her a few years back. Shes not that close with the girl from school anymore but she's still up to her same tricks.
I thik with women, we see our relationships as transactions. But we vakue the one we have with a man. Even he shows he has no respect for us and then boo-hoo about being lonely.
I don't have any female friends. I have female acquaintances, but that's not the same.
I think this is becoming a more general issue since lockdown. It was already tricky to make new friends in adulthood. Now, many friends have moved away from the city and I’ve heard many (different ages, gender, etc) say people are more flaky. They don’t call or meet up. They cancel more easily.
I find myself on both sides of the fence; I want more friends I see in person or can rely on at short notice, but I also avoid social opportunities.
Have you ever heard of Gore Vidal's quip: "It's not enough to succeed, but your friends must also fail"?
I am agree every word you are saying in this videos
Honestly Jennifer's Body is a better representation of toxic female friendships than Mean Girls, idk but Mean Girls feels a bit like a not like other girls movie, i was more sympathetic towards the plastics than i was with Janis, kinda off-topic comment, just sharing some thoughts.
Agreed! That’s what it felt like for me.
How could you not love Gretchen? she was a sweetheart
as much as being true when it comes to communication is important, i think it is equally important to be aware of how we deliver what we communicate. good intentions is in itself good, and it can be helpful to the other when communicated (you know perspectives to consider) but at the same time it’s important to consider and acknowledge that one can’t really tell what’s best for the other. it’s a one man’a medicine is another’s poison type of thing. so good intentions doesn’t always produce good result because what you might think would be good for the other might not actually good for the other. so it’s also okay to communicate concerns but the other’s response to their situation given all the considerations is their’s to decide what’s best for them.
I can see your point of view but , I recently got engaged and to be honest I was the victim in the situation that I had no choice but leave , a friend I had from Uni started to grow resentful and envious towards me , she started asking too many personal questions and looking for information about my fiancé , it just gave me the creepiest stalker vibes ever..
She thinks that she's better than me and more deserving of commitment with a good man just because she achieved more success in her career further than I did ?! She was the one looking down on me actually !
i guess there are some axioms I ve found out for myself, prefering few profound friendships to multiple superfical relationships...
1) Never start a business with your friend. You will show the ugliest sides of human character to one another.
2) Live will throw you appart, but dont burn bridges.
3) If you have a friend with a big age difference (e.g someone older) be prepared for sudden changes like children, marriage, menopause that will completely throw you off.
4) Where there is a group of women, there is gossip. Unless you re a Samantha type, confident and strong, its water of a duck`s back, but be prepared for sudden attacks out of nowhere.
5) In female friendships men always come first.
SPOT. ON.
Dark truth is that people are getting more darker then they think actually.
This is something we don't talk about enough. Hopefully even though you evolve in one way or another. Real friendships can withstand it. But that's an ideal situation especially now with how the world is.
I am very very competitive by nature..... I have progressed alot in my life compared to what i expected but whenever anybody comes neat my success I feel so jealous and bad .... Seriously I m unable to ctrl my urge to not get envious😢
All the gatekeeping among women in male-driven professions is what discourages my hope for quality female friendships. I've offered myself to women in my creative fields in the spirit of collaboration time and time again only to get ghosted or taken for granted. They'd rather keep their capitalist "I've got mine" nonsense than uplift other women. So I prefer to protect my energy and be slow about letting people into my life. The second problem is that nobody has any conflict resolution skills. Instead of getting in and hashing things out with each other, people just ghost. Since I never know if I'm going to inadvertently say something someone doesn't like and then blow me off after I've invested in a friendship with them and trusted them, I'd rather not take the risk.
I make sure I put concious effort into maintaining my amazing female friendships ❤
A lot of this has to do with the rise in pick-me behavior.
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I haven’t hung out with a female in over two years and have absolutely no plans to ever again
Honestly, 3 is such a lot. I chat with women, but I don't really invest in relationships. I never really did, and to suddenly start putting that effort in, would just be a very big step, and I wouldn't know how to approach it
I got rid of my friends. They might be right but I ddidn't want to hear what they said. Also politics drove me apart from my friends as well.
Minken a British philosopher once defined a man who hates women as much as women hate each other, it's unsettling, but true
Spot this is the experience of a lot of people
Didnt know it was this complex. As guys even get girlfriends they are ridculed purposfully so they know that they changed up on their friends.
❤️❤️❤️🙌🙌🙌you are a wife material
WHOA! That's INSANE! I cannot imagine anyone saying that to their single friend! Sorry someone said that to you, that's nuts! But as the friend who got married and had kids way earlier than all my other friends, it can definitely be lonely on the other side too... I love my husband and kids, but I LOVE going out with my friends, but when I was in the new phase of life, my single friends didn't know how to be conscious of my new limitations when planning social events. I definitely lost a friend because he was annoyed with the difficulty of my first pregnancy and not being able to hang out because I was sleeping or throwing up... Becoming a mom does make you busier, but the work of motherhood isn't life-giving for most, and those friendships are extremely important... But when you can find a friend who can complain about not having found a man, and you can complain about the difficulty of being a young mom, it's really amazing, just realising that different phases have their problems and you can empathise, support, and accommodate one another...
Yup, the condescending, judge-y comments from other women are the main reason why I prefer my own company, the company of my boyfriend and my dog. The "girl gang" doesn't like it when you are an individual, when you express a different opinion, when you have to distance for your own sanity. The Queen Bee especially disapproves of such behavior. I'm still pleasant when I see these women but I'm forced to explain why I'm not around or "go out" as much (I'm 60+!) why I don't do this or that. It's ridiculous. Leave Me Alone. Friends actually, in my opinion, should give each other huge amounts of rope and not give another friend unsolicited advice....unless that person is endangering themselves or others, e.g. a narcotic or alcohol addiction. Live and Let Live.
Groups of women can be very toxic. Invariably you can be "In" or "out" at any given time. There is inevitable gossip and back-stabbing. You have to "keep up" with the group and be in constant contact/socializing with the group, sharing private details, etc in order to be considered a member in good standing. You can't say "No", even politely. If you don't wish to divulge highly personal details with the group and if you're not "keeping up", you will be branded and possibly excluded. Damned if you do and damned if you don't. At my tender age of 60+, I'm still hopeful I can find a non-toxic "girl" group but it's OK if I don't. The pressure of having to be accepted into the group is too much for this introvert. If you end up with 3 female friends that you mostly trust and feel comfortable with, that should be enough!
You sound like the problem boomer
😂
We are not perfect. Our friends are not perfect. We shouldn't focus on flaws too much.
I rathed have male friend
No one is stopping you ms.pickme 😂
Lol. All female friendships peter out. Sp do male friendships. However most men realize that as your peers get married that the amount of going out or meet ups naturally decline and were cool with it.