@@connorholmes8786 Yup it hurts, it hurts even more when you tried to improve and yet fail again and again. You began studying hard to find yourself back to scrolling TH-cam. It feels worse than failure, and to some extent makes one hopeless🥲.
Having an abusive childhood can condition a person to learn to beat themselves up all the time after failure, especially if there was a highly critical and demanding caregiver.
I feel like the more I learn from you about ego and self-perception the more I feel like I've been kind of an asshole to others, but most importantly to myself without even realising it. It's weird how common sense and logic can be used to fool ourselves without necessarily being wrong? I don't know it's confusing
I’ve watched this video 4 times since last night and it’s just been going through my head the concept of, if I truly did everything I could, then I wouldn’t be uncomfortable with failure. I think I lie to myself and say I did the best I could. I’ve started with truth with actuality - I am lazy. Nevertheless I have also begun positive self talk - I will become proud of the work I have already done. This positive reinforcement of work has already lead me to the completion of a recent project (up all night!)
When for example after a workout session even IF I didn't get everything on the menu, I feel super good knowing that I've given it my all. Knowing one's own limit sets one's mind at ease, because it leads to self discovery and also a much better picture on _how to get better,_ or simply accept that's where you are. Failing due to negligence, procrastination and laziness however, it's _utterly devastating_ because you literally cannot even evaluate your full power. It makes improving much more difficult because you simply do not know what your max is; so you have this ideas floating in your mind tricking you to think that you may either be stupid or super genius and you have NO IDEA which one is closer to where you currently are--this could lead you to become prey to Self-Improvement trap schemes that will end up destroying you even further. Again, with a workout. _Everybody knows, easily, what their One Rep Max is._ With that in mind you train knowing that it's an upper limit that you might want to either increase, or be in peace knowing that yes, THAT's my limit and I'm okay with it.
I really needed this. Not being able to accept where I've failed at work has left my anxiety on overdrive recently, even though no one else on the team is that bothered. And it's because I know I could've done better. Knowing why I did it, accepting my failure and moving forward knowing that I can face it makes a lot of difference.
I have adhd and even if i tried my best, my careless mistakes knock me down heavily, so i always feel that i couldve done better and that bums me out often
I think a relatively big issue, at least for me it is, is that I can't give myself that break because, well, being in college, for 5 years now and having failed classes that I really struggle with, meaning more money spent so that I can finish the course, still trying to get my driver's license and having failed the driving exam twice now due to getting nervous because of one minor thing or another that made me lose my composure and do stupid mistakes that cost me the exam, mistakes I did not do during classes and training, when you see all that, you genuinely try as hard as you can, you have your parents even telling you to stay calm, keep a cold head, when you fail it just feels so much worse, and it doesn't help that the same parents that tell you to calm down, that everything will be okay, will also, on the same day you failed, just crush your spirit. It's a never ending cycle that crushes you so much that you simply find it hard not to beat yourself up about it
Woah thank you so much. It was just what I needed to guide my introspection. Thank you, I feel so much better. Now the key is to practice forgiving myself and block those negative ruminations each time they show up with a "No. Stop. It's okay. Be compassionate to yourself. You've been through a lot, you are not perfect -which is normal and okay- and not able to function at 100% all the time. You are not a robot. So give yourself a break 😌, this failure does absolutely not annulate all the archievements and progress you made in the past. ". It might be hard but with a little practice i imagine that it will come more naturally. As debunking this toxic thought process is the only way to go forward and find the energy to work back towards my dream career. Once again, thank you.
i did pretty mediocre on my math test before. But before taking the test, my teacher said something along the lines of try your best, then we can talk about it as a class afterwards. idk why, but it really reassured me. too bad i didn't do that good tho lol
I’m 60 years old and left my job due to an injury but could have gone back after healing. I didn’t because hated the job and two years later I’m on the verge of collapse having gone through ALL my savings. Never thought I’d have fear of not eating due to no money. I’ve got all kinds of aches and pains but I look young and that doesn’t make me seem like a guy that legitimately can’t work. I have to start again somehow at this stage of life. I’m mentally beaten down as well. I need whatever lucky break I can get but that’s fantasy land. I’m a failure. I know it. I’ve lost other good jobs in the past too. Having no support, living alone makes it worse. My only income is SSDI. Once I pay the rent I’m left with nothing. I’ll have to get a furnished room and dump some of the nice things that I accumulated like my only “entertainment”, a large tv. Anyway, I know failure well. If you’re young, 20s, 30s, 40s, be careful of stupid decisions. Think!
heard of you the first time from reckful. I really appreciate ur videos and i wanna thank you for doing this and helping other people with it. Since i watched some of ur videos i learn to understand alot more about myself. So THANK YOU!
I remember failing even after trying everything i could, tutors, practice, after hours with teachers, but still got a 60% in french. Even after the paper was proofread by the tutor. It was the most soul crushing experience. But it really felt like the universe was fighting against me. In hindsight maybe the tutor was bad or didnt care enough to proofread seriously.
Repeating a year of med skl... Didn't put in even 30% of effort throughout the year. Failing when you know you didn't try your best just is mald-inducing and idk if I can forgive myself. Maybe I'll come back to this in a few months
@@tenzinlungtok762 have you seen the interview with a guy called Andrew from hawaii? In that interview Dr. Kanojia recommends Andrew to make new experiences because his problems were caused by a bad experience. I think this does it for me and my problem because me feeling like a failure comes also from a bad experience and by making new experiences in which i succeed I'll hopefully start feeling like a successor/winner.
I think that goes back to the you aren't entitled not to fail and did you do all you could. I think it's not about stopping yourself from being a failure but how to accept it. Look at your strong points and understand you as a whole aren't a failure because you messed up one little thing. You're a human being everything you do is amazing.
@@whim_tv I disagree with the "everything you do is amazing" part but the rest is true. We are not entitled to a particular outcome but only to the action that leads to the outcome. Ultimately what that outcome will be is not in our control, all we can do is take the necessary actions to get there. And if our own actions have let us to failure then we gotta accept that we deserved that failure especially when all we did was focus on the goal instead of the action that would lead us to that goal. So going forward what we gotta do is focus on the action and success will surely follow and if not our conscience can be clear because we did what we ought to.
What I meant by everything you do is amazing isn't more on a molecual level. Like it's amazing you can move and see and hear and that you can process thought.
3:52 As a human being you are actually not entitled to the fruits of your actions. All you're entitled to is your actions. You're not entitled to an A, you're only entitled to studying. There's still a chance you can fail even if you study.
Love the videos, few questions. What do we do when we accept failure? What good does that do? Is that good uniform or is it heavily dependent on the situation?
Whwn you know that you did everything you can, accepting failure comes naturally or by common sense.. Figure out what's holding you back Learn to cut yourself some slack, be compassionate for yourself. If you can't, take a look at how you view yourself. Not having self compassion is a learned behavior
What if I always feel like there is more that I could do? Wouldn't I just work 24/7 ? Unless maybe I'm aware of the limitations of my focus. But determining the ideal "rest" times seems like a difficult task and therefore might leave room for interpretation which is probably bad for someone feeling negatively in the first place.
This is my struggle, exactly. I just work until my neck hurts from stress and I have to re-read the same sentence multiple times for it to make sense. But, a voice in the corner of my head still persists that I could be doing more, even though I intellectually understand that's untrue.
I think this "if you had done everything you would not feel bad about yourself" thing is wrong. If you did do everything and do fail it is the ultimate sign that one is not enough, insufficient, broken, a failure, etc. Then, there is a structural limitation to one's success. Why would one NOT feel bad about that? Accepting the option of failure is an entirely different thing. There is the Star Trek Episode "peak performance" where the super smart android "Data" loses a computer game against a biological master player. And Data is incapacitated by self doubt, sulking in his cabin like "Achilles in his tent", refusing to work, and instead analysing his loss and finding no failure at all. Picard then get him out of there stating "you can do everything right and still lose. This is no failure. This is life." Here, the acceptance of fallibility is the solution to the predicament for the internal conflict and blame. But the blame was still there.
The issue I have with the whole “doing everything you can do” kinda thing is that if I want to do everything I can do, then shouldn’t I be working pretty much 24/7 except for sleeping and eating? If I do that I feel bad because it’s just unhealthy and depressing to work that long, but if I don’t do that then when / if I fail I feel bad because I didn’t try my best and do all I could do. What is the solution to this???
The solution is to stop thinking you have to live to work. The best I CAN do us two hours of work a day the rest is fucking around. Your best isn't the superhuman exploitative hours demanded of abusive workplaces everywhere it's what you can handle without becoming little more than a depressed machine struggling to feel human again.
he probably misremembered the name. Based on his clothing and the lighting in the background, its probably the interview with LucieePie (otherwise, I don't see the stream in his TH-cam library) th-cam.com/video/PXPgN17z964/w-d-xo.html&ab_channel=HealthyGamerGG
If you did every thing you could do and you still failed. That means your efforts were in vain and you wasted your limited time in life on something you were never going to succeed in. There is no peace in that. It feels awful.
Hey, you're pretty good at explaining, and I enjoyed your video, you literally simplified one of the most important questions on the present... But, I think you could use some kind of music to keep our attention. Well, thanks if you're reading this! :)
Didn't help me. I still feel like a failure and think that's holding me back. But I have no problems accepting my failures. I was diagnosed with depression though.
This chat is...triggering me a bit cause there's no courtesy to wait for after someone's done talking. I get that the way that streaming is structured is different from an actual conversation IRL but dang
@@vikasbiliye5023 if you aren't familiar with another language it's really hard to heard a word you don't know and know how it's spelled. try using some of the compassion that Dr. K holds in such high regard
_"How did you get that opinion of yourself? This is a learned behavior."_ Dude I'm muslim. people tell me I'm a piece of shit degenerate for being muslim every so often I just internalize it. _Must be true, if everyone is saying it._
Sometimes the world is right. Don't take this as hate. But listen to different perspective why they say so. Don't be blinded by your identity. "I am a Muslim I have to defend it" honestly it was the world who told you you are a Muslim. And it's the world telling you that you are a shit. There is no difference between these two statements.
"So how do you reconcile failure when you know you could've done more but you didnt? Forgiveness"
That hit too close to home
Dr. K bringing back biblical teachings and goodwill and shit to those who need it
@@connorholmes8786 Yup it hurts, it hurts even more when you tried to improve and yet fail again and again. You began studying hard to find yourself back to scrolling TH-cam. It feels worse than failure, and to some extent makes one hopeless🥲.
I really appreciate your work Dr. Kanojia.
We all do he's a real gem
Having an abusive childhood can condition a person to learn to beat themselves up all the time after failure, especially if there was a highly critical and demanding caregiver.
That's me and my abusive father
Basically my whole childhood
My mom was extremely abusive towards me
scary that you know that, but its true.
@@Colby41 I lived it, that's why I know
Holy shit that bit about entitlement to outcome. I never thought of it that way. Dude's blowing minds in here.
We're not entitled to blown minds
Really? I feel like I've always known it but didn't know how to actually think that way in daily life.
I feel like the more I learn from you about ego and self-perception the more I feel like I've been kind of an asshole to others, but most importantly to myself without even realising it. It's weird how common sense and logic can be used to fool ourselves without necessarily being wrong? I don't know it's confusing
Lixy Fox its Heavy isnt it :D
It’s easy to fall under the illusion that logic is infallible, but emotion is just as much a part of human functioning.
I’ve watched this video 4 times since last night and it’s just been going through my head the concept of, if I truly did everything I could, then I wouldn’t be uncomfortable with failure. I think I lie to myself and say I did the best I could. I’ve started with truth with actuality - I am lazy. Nevertheless I have also begun positive self talk - I will become proud of the work I have already done. This positive reinforcement of work has already lead me to the completion of a recent project (up all night!)
>fail at college
>come here
Yung Matsuda bro my gpa is 2.1 from 4
>succeed at college
>fail to get a job
>also come here 🙈
Dodo Pson
Succeed at college.
Succeed at getting a job.
Hate your job.
Also come here.
>Failing at college bc bad employer
>Failing to get new job
>Come here 🤦♂️😅
>fail to get into a college
>come here
When for example after a workout session even IF I didn't get everything on the menu, I feel super good knowing that I've given it my all. Knowing one's own limit sets one's mind at ease, because it leads to self discovery and also a much better picture on _how to get better,_ or simply accept that's where you are.
Failing due to negligence, procrastination and laziness however, it's _utterly devastating_ because you literally cannot even evaluate your full power. It makes improving much more difficult because you simply do not know what your max is; so you have this ideas floating in your mind tricking you to think that you may either be stupid or super genius and you have NO IDEA which one is closer to where you currently are--this could lead you to become prey to Self-Improvement trap schemes that will end up destroying you even further.
Again, with a workout. _Everybody knows, easily, what their One Rep Max is._ With that in mind you train knowing that it's an upper limit that you might want to either increase, or be in peace knowing that yes, THAT's my limit and I'm okay with it.
I really needed this. Not being able to accept where I've failed at work has left my anxiety on overdrive recently, even though no one else on the team is that bothered. And it's because I know I could've done better. Knowing why I did it, accepting my failure and moving forward knowing that I can face it makes a lot of difference.
I have adhd and even if i tried my best, my careless mistakes knock me down heavily, so i always feel that i couldve done better and that bums me out often
I often feal the same way
I think a relatively big issue, at least for me it is, is that I can't give myself that break because, well, being in college, for 5 years now and having failed classes that I really struggle with, meaning more money spent so that I can finish the course, still trying to get my driver's license and having failed the driving exam twice now due to getting nervous because of one minor thing or another that made me lose my composure and do stupid mistakes that cost me the exam, mistakes I did not do during classes and training, when you see all that, you genuinely try as hard as you can, you have your parents even telling you to stay calm, keep a cold head, when you fail it just feels so much worse, and it doesn't help that the same parents that tell you to calm down, that everything will be okay, will also, on the same day you failed, just crush your spirit. It's a never ending cycle that crushes you so much that you simply find it hard not to beat yourself up about it
how are you man? i also failed or dropped classes in college, but i already passed them, yet I am afraid i am gonna fail my thesis subject
Woah thank you so much. It was just what I needed to guide my introspection. Thank you, I feel so much better. Now the key is to practice forgiving myself and block those negative ruminations each time they show up with a "No. Stop. It's okay. Be compassionate to yourself. You've been through a lot, you are not perfect -which is normal and okay- and not able to function at 100% all the time. You are not a robot. So give yourself a break 😌, this failure does absolutely not annulate all the archievements and progress you made in the past. ". It might be hard but with a little practice i imagine that it will come more naturally. As debunking this toxic thought process is the only way to go forward and find the energy to work back towards my dream career.
Once again, thank you.
i did pretty mediocre on my math test before. But before taking the test, my teacher said something along the lines of try your best, then we can talk about it as a class afterwards. idk why, but it really reassured me. too bad i didn't do that good tho lol
sounds like something similar to what my comp sci teacher said :-). i hope you'll succeed on ur next test!
So did yall talk?
I’m 60 years old and left my job due to an injury but could have gone back after healing. I didn’t because hated the job and two years later I’m on the verge of collapse having gone through ALL my savings. Never thought I’d have fear of not eating due to no money.
I’ve got all kinds of aches and pains but I look young and that doesn’t make me seem like a guy that legitimately can’t work. I have to start again somehow at this stage of life. I’m mentally beaten down as well. I need whatever lucky break I can get but that’s fantasy land. I’m a failure. I know it. I’ve lost other good jobs in the past too. Having no support, living alone makes it worse. My only income is SSDI. Once I pay the rent I’m left with nothing. I’ll have to get a furnished room and dump some of the nice things that I accumulated like my only “entertainment”, a large tv. Anyway, I know failure well. If you’re young, 20s, 30s, 40s, be careful of stupid decisions. Think!
I love the logic and compassion you use to solve problems of the soul.
I asked my mother about how to cope with failure and she said: «Face the consequences willingly.»
ohno
You are entitled to gaining a new subscriber.
This is very helpful for me. Thank you Dr. K
This really hit hard for me. Thanks Dr. K
This man need to have a session with Tyler1 Just saying
Epic
Tyler would not drop his persona, so it would be really weird.
@HarveyBirdman You seem to be a very pensive individual.
forget Tyler1, he should have Gross Gore on
@@syloui yikes
heard of you the first time from reckful. I really appreciate ur videos and i wanna thank you for doing this and helping other people with it. Since i watched some of ur videos i learn to understand alot more about myself. So THANK YOU!
I remember failing even after trying everything i could, tutors, practice, after hours with teachers, but still got a 60% in french. Even after the paper was proofread by the tutor. It was the most soul crushing experience. But it really felt like the universe was fighting against me.
In hindsight maybe the tutor was bad or didnt care enough to proofread seriously.
If I don't try that hard and fail it doesn't matter much to me, its when I really give it my all and i still fail. That's when I feel like shit.
I never feel like I’ve done my best and it makes me feel like shit which stops me from working harder and it’s just a cycle like that
Really thanks for the video, Dr. K.!
It means and helps a lot!
Damn this was eye opening thank you 🙏
Repeating a year of med skl... Didn't put in even 30% of effort throughout the year. Failing when you know you didn't try your best just is mald-inducing and idk if I can forgive myself. Maybe I'll come back to this in a few months
Damn. So glad I found this video. Such nuggets of wisdom. Thank you
Even in failure there are lessons to be learned and applied to future situations.
And once I've found out where I've learned that I'm a failure, what can I do then?
@@tenzinlungtok762 when you get an answer please tell it to me
@@tenzinlungtok762 have you seen the interview with a guy called Andrew from hawaii? In that interview Dr. Kanojia recommends Andrew to make new experiences because his problems were caused by a bad experience. I think this does it for me and my problem because me feeling like a failure comes also from a bad experience and by making new experiences in which i succeed I'll hopefully start feeling like a successor/winner.
I think that goes back to the you aren't entitled not to fail and did you do all you could. I think it's not about stopping yourself from being a failure but how to accept it. Look at your strong points and understand you as a whole aren't a failure because you messed up one little thing. You're a human being everything you do is amazing.
@@whim_tv I disagree with the "everything you do is amazing" part but the rest is true. We are not entitled to a particular outcome but only to the action that leads to the outcome. Ultimately what that outcome will be is not in our control, all we can do is take the necessary actions to get there. And if our own actions have let us to failure then we gotta accept that we deserved that failure especially when all we did was focus on the goal instead of the action that would lead us to that goal. So going forward what we gotta do is focus on the action and success will surely follow and if not our conscience can be clear because we did what we ought to.
What I meant by everything you do is amazing isn't more on a molecual level. Like it's amazing you can move and see and hear and that you can process thought.
3:52 As a human being you are actually not entitled to the fruits of your actions. All you're entitled to is your actions. You're not entitled to an A, you're only entitled to studying. There's still a chance you can fail even if you study.
Forgiveing myself sounds so hard to comprehend to me.
Why?
Love the videos, few questions. What do we do when we accept failure? What good does that do? Is that good uniform or is it heavily dependent on the situation?
Whwn you know that you did everything you can, accepting failure comes naturally or by common sense.. Figure out what's holding you back
Learn to cut yourself some slack, be compassionate for yourself. If you can't, take a look at how you view yourself. Not having self compassion is a learned behavior
What if I always feel like there is more that I could do? Wouldn't I just work 24/7 ? Unless maybe I'm aware of the limitations of my focus. But determining the ideal "rest" times seems like a difficult task and therefore might leave room for interpretation which is probably bad for someone feeling negatively in the first place.
This is my struggle, exactly. I just work until my neck hurts from stress and I have to re-read the same sentence multiple times for it to make sense. But, a voice in the corner of my head still persists that I could be doing more, even though I intellectually understand that's untrue.
Is there a video discussing what a person can do to unlearn being human garbage? That is the hole I’m in and its getting deeper quick.
8:24 You just beat up the person who beats up the person you're trying to help. Poggers
I think this "if you had done everything you would not feel bad about yourself" thing is wrong. If you did do everything and do fail it is the ultimate sign that one is not enough, insufficient, broken, a failure, etc. Then, there is a structural limitation to one's success. Why would one NOT feel bad about that? Accepting the option of failure is an entirely different thing.
There is the Star Trek Episode "peak performance" where the super smart android "Data" loses a computer game against a biological master player. And Data is incapacitated by self doubt, sulking in his cabin like "Achilles in his tent", refusing to work, and instead analysing his loss and finding no failure at all. Picard then get him out of there stating "you can do everything right and still lose. This is no failure. This is life."
Here, the acceptance of fallibility is the solution to the predicament for the internal conflict and blame. But the blame was still there.
Super insightful
Thanks. How easy to misrealizs of how many times I forget self compassion although I easily forgive others.
The issue I have with the whole “doing everything you can do” kinda thing is that if I want to do everything I can do, then shouldn’t I be working pretty much 24/7 except for sleeping and eating? If I do that I feel bad because it’s just unhealthy and depressing to work that long, but if I don’t do that then when / if I fail I feel bad because I didn’t try my best and do all I could do. What is the solution to this???
The solution is to stop thinking you have to live to work. The best I CAN do us two hours of work a day the rest is fucking around. Your best isn't the superhuman exploitative hours demanded of abusive workplaces everywhere it's what you can handle without becoming little more than a depressed machine struggling to feel human again.
@@ruffethereal1904 thank you for the way you put that. Your words hit home for me x
So we're not entitled to the fruits of our actions, just our actions. Could we also say we're entitled to being compassionate to ourselves?
Is there a full video link to this stream???
so why should i do anything? i dont like trying and getting nothing
Alright, but how to accept the fact that you are not owed from actions?
nope still feel like a failure after I lost 3 promotions to freaking idiots
The part about entitlement was very interesting, thanks.
Does anyone know which "interview with Helen" hes referring to?
he probably misremembered the name. Based on his clothing and the lighting in the background, its probably the interview with LucieePie (otherwise, I don't see the stream in his TH-cam library)
th-cam.com/video/PXPgN17z964/w-d-xo.html&ab_channel=HealthyGamerGG
I'm so happy I discovered this dude, fuck I was really tired of freaking Jordan Peterson TH-cam recommendations an his 50% accurate tradcon crap.
Would love to know what golfer he works with
if human beings are not entitled to anything but actions, then what about life? Food, water, shelter?
Anyone know which interview he’s referring to in this one about Helen and PA school. Can’t find it in search
If you did every thing you could do and you still failed. That means your efforts were in vain and you wasted your limited time in life on something you were never going to succeed in. There is no peace in that. It feels awful.
-reads video title
*_NEED_*
Does Dr.K means phul which means fruit
Because I’ve heard of karma phul
nine months later but I think he means "karma fal" fal meaning fruit
12:56 Make a list of all the reasons I know myself as a failure - now what?
compassion!
Do something else/new and don't repeat your mistakes
Hey, you're pretty good at explaining, and I enjoyed your video, you literally simplified one of the most important questions on the present...
But, I think you could use some kind of music to keep our attention. Well, thanks if you're reading this! :)
03:44
karma PHAR
뿌리 ppuri = "root"
Is it just me or is his Hindi actually really accented and terrible?
Didn't help me. I still feel like a failure and think that's holding me back. But I have no problems accepting my failures. I was diagnosed with depression though.
This chat is...triggering me a bit cause there's no courtesy to wait for after someone's done talking. I get that the way that streaming is structured is different from an actual conversation IRL but dang
Failing when youve given everything to do the best you could is a bit like losing your life savings.
He needs to face keemstar
garma farth?
Karma fal. Learn to listen.
@@vikasbiliye5023 obvious said in joking manner, you dense fuck ^_^
@@vikasbiliye5023 if you aren't familiar with another language it's really hard to heard a word you don't know and know how it's spelled. try using some of the compassion that Dr. K holds in such high regard
Listening doesn't come with subtitles or spell check my dude.
He's not ignorant. He just didn't know the terminology.
1:40 that is very much not my experience.
_"How did you get that opinion of yourself? This is a learned behavior."_
Dude I'm muslim. people tell me I'm a piece of shit degenerate for being muslim every so often I just internalize it. _Must be true, if everyone is saying it._
Sometimes the world is right. Don't take this as hate. But listen to different perspective why they say so. Don't be blinded by your identity. "I am a Muslim I have to defend it" honestly it was the world who told you you are a Muslim. And it's the world telling you that you are a shit. There is no difference between these two statements.
Youre tomimn2233