THIS Is What Trauma Bonding With A Narcissist Does To A Decent Person
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 22 ก.ค. 2024
- Drawing from specific comments from viewers and patients, Dr. Les Carter describes how trauma bonding with a malignant narcissist drains an otherwise decent person. He then discusses how the bonds can be broken and how you can reclaim your self respect as you move away from the hyper-control of the narcissist.
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Dr. Les Carter is a best selling author and therapist who has semi-retired to Waco, Tx. In the past 40+ years he has conducted more than 65,000 counseling sessions and many workshops and seminars. He specializes in anger management and narcissistic personality disorder.
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Did anyone else get a small smirk/smile from the narcissistic partner when you were very down or insulted? It was like he enjoyed my suffering.
Or when they've already made you cry, but they keep insulting you and grinding you down while you're sitting there crying?
Awful!
Yep. My mother loved to make me cry. She'd get that little smile when I cried.
She REALLY loved to make me angry. She'd get a huge smile and an evil gleam in her eyes then.
Unfortunately yes. In many occasions and this thing bugged me for months…I couldn’t believe my eyes. He was happy of seeing me crying…
Yes! 😢
from my experience the narcissist thinks you're the narcissist when their tactics don't work anymore. Their lack of accountability is insane.
Yes, couldn't agree more. The projection that they do is surreal and equally, sad. Although it hurts, being aware that accountability should be shared speaks volumes to one's character. The hardest pill to swallow for me is that these people aren't born this way - someone else created them and there's so much hurt inside. It doesn't excuse the behavior but it does provide enough closure to explain it to some degree. A friend told me once 'hurt people hurt people' - it's the tale as old as time. Stay strong my friend.
It is insane right? We have a 13 year old, one out of 5 kids who has a disruptive mood disorder and narcissism is a big side effect. Our house has become a warzone if we try to hold the 13 year old accountable for anything. The second she even gets the hint that she might have to face a consequence for her actions, even stealing knives out of my room and took them to school, still acted like we were insane for even bringing it up when she got home. We have put locks on everything because she steals everything she can get a hold of. The stuff she brings home from school are insane. Like, 12 different kids didn't just put their sissors in your backpack. And if she's ever on a nice streak she's always doing something crazy like having stolen a phone and is using it while hiding it on her person or running a energy drink selling operation at school. All our other kids are fantastic students and behave really well. Even a young narcissist will control an entire house and if they feel they can't they try to start physically bullying you or intimidating you.
mmhmmmm....
What happened to me is he was very interested in me and interested in helping me til , he found out about the nightmare my mom and stepdad had made of my loss of income that I wasn't getting and still not what I should have , and nothing according to his lawyer or attorney or advocate could be done without spending big money , and from there things went very downhill for me financially. . . that's when I began to meet with him less . . . I didn't realise that he was capable of being so incompassionate
I think ppl get away with it cus its not spelled out- like everyones got a different situation so theyre unsure if it applies or if theyre "making a mountain out of a mole hill" .... I knew a person that wouldnt say no (to sex) cus it would be rude and another who would justify getting physically abused because they fight with them too........ like...................... NO.
Narcissists can read a person in 2 seconds, they usually pick very good innocent people, who have no idea people like this exist.
True
So true
isn't that the truth!
@@Tamara_W omg !! Yesss
@@Tamara_W same
The most difficult part about this trauma bond is how it slowly tears down your self-esteem.
So true. On Monday, August 7 I'll be addressing that topic as I discuss rethinking the narcissist's shame messages.
@@SurvivingNarcissism thank you!
Ironically it's impossible to be Americans without a very strong narcissistic identity complex.
@@SurvivingNarcissism can you do one where you help us become better and learn healthier ways of thinking. i dont want to be a narcissist, i dont really choose to be this way, but i know i can change it. can you help us
Don’t forget tearing down our souls.
Best advice i ever got.
"When you are constantly questioning yourself, you are questioning the wrong person."
Great way to put it!
I think that is brilliant. I wrote that in my notebook of words of wisdom. Thank you for sharing. My best wishes to you!
@@katherineg9396 you are very welcome! I love your idea of your note book 🤗
@@SurvivingNarcissism 🤗🤗 you are welcome.
@@tartanbessy436 I have Dr Carter in my notebook too!
Looking back there were red flags. I didn't realize the extent of the manipulation and abuse but there were red flags. For someone young please listen to your gut. Then move on because unconditional love won't fix it. You cannot fix them. Love is not enough.
Omg this hits home for me! I thought love could overcome anything/everything even when I saw the red flags! I was afraid to call off the wedding. 25 years later I am starting over. Young people must trust themselves and not be afraid to RUN!
Very Well Said 100% Correct. Billy Ray Stay Focused on you. Been There Glad I woke up with the help of the LORD AND THE HOLY SPIRIT. Very Very Grateful.
Well said. Very few know about personality disorders, even the disordereds do not see themselves this way. I think every child should be taught psychology from a young age.
Well said. After 2 decades, I realized there will be no change.
@@MayJunemom I thought love would conquer the eventually found out despicable person I married too. Oh, the life lessons we learn no matter what age we are. I learned I have to learn from God FIRST. Then let Him lead me to healing. This channel was one of those places!
I left my narcissist over 40 years ago. I never remarried; I raised two sons, was always employed well, and am now retired. My narcissist died last year at almost 80. His fifth wife committed suicide. She could have been me. Remember that, folks. If life is a contest, and I know it is not, I won.
My exe’s 3 rd wife “ supposedly “ committed suicide. I am 99 percent sure he offed her because she was bi-polar & inconvenienced him! People called me and said the same thing!
Oh boy.... I left my ex husband almost 13 years ago. I suspect he's just discarded his third "franchise" (as my partner of 11 years refers to his subsequent victims)
I always said I was lucky. I could run away from him, but he cannot run away from himself.
I'm glad you've found your peace 💗
No way are u serious, it took that much of a toll on you?
I wish I was there I'd give u a big hug,
I guess I've always seen people in black and white good and bad but this is a whole new realm of evil and I don't want to be alone.
@@charliebrown8678 I'm serious as a heart attack. He ran after me with a knife, threatening to kill me one day. Very threatening and scary.. You learn to become a "dog", don't bark, don't ask for anything. You stay home for months at a time, never leaving the street. These people are monsters. Finally, he told me he had a new girlfriend, a stripper. I filed for divorce the next day, figuring he wouldn't kill me because he was busy How's that? See why I won? I am healthy and solvent and my granddaughters live down the street. My sons married nice girls. God is good. He did it.
@@suetipping4841God bless you Sue, I hope all your days are happy and healthy 💐
Love it when the narcissist tells me "you're too sensitive" when I finally react to the criticism and constant little digs.
"You're being emotional, You're over-reacting!"
They also tell you that you will never meet anyone as amazing as them 😂 These creeps all use the same textbook
Or “you misinterpreted what I said.”🙄
Or “I was just joking” and “I can’t even joke around with you” after saying something hurtful.
Each one of you have said the very things mine said to me... My professional trauma therapist for my cptsd!!!
Broke free 10 months ago. It's like trying to recover from severe drug addiction or something. She robbed me of my life savings and destroyed my psyche. Tried to report her but no one believes me.
When you act like a crazy person only in the presence of one person, and the rest of the time you're a normal human being, maybe it's not you.
It wasn't me who wanted a peaceful existence but he each month would act crazy and start an argument with me? I that prefer a peaceful existence. What was worse I realized he was like my mother - a narcissist from the beginning and so I married the duplicate of my mother. Who leaned and depended on my older sister and me to support her despite being married to a bum.
I think this all the time. Raised four healthy children. Worked my whole life. A friend to many. Had relationships. Yet I am crazy, I don’t remember things accurately, I pick fights, I am miserable, I appreciate nothing. I am controlling and a manipulator. Yet not one person has ever said, seen, or implied, this about me in anyway, in the 59 years I lived prior to meeting this one person. I am five days out, what an experience this has been, what in the world happened to me. I am so confused, but I am free, and have time to collapse and heal.
@@moniquelewis7839Sorry to hear what happened to you. Glad to know you're out!!
I'm a 61 year old woman, I met my bf 15 years ago. I took me a long time to understand what was really wrong with him, until a family member of his told me that my bf's father was a fullblown narcissist. My bf has certainly a lot of the same trades. But!! You are so right: one of the thoughts that kept me sane, going through all this abuse, was: Nobody, literally nobody had EVER accused me of trades that I was supposed to have by his standards. Not my best friend for 45 years. Nor others, family or friends.
Because it's NOT TRUE!! I hope I'll be rid of this toxic, evil, sad man soon.
Take good care of yourself!! Try to have fun again, eat well and cook for yourself, take enough fysical exercise, join a fun-bookclub or whatever you fancy. That's MY advice. For me, personally, I really have to start to love ME. Be loyal to ME.
I've certainly learned a lot. About myself and this type of men.
So true! For 36 years.
The operative word is “maybe”. Narc definitely abuse “behind closed doors”, it is part of any Cluster B disorder.
They incite you, provoke you, and smash through your boundaries. When you react, they use that reaction to call you "crazy." They in turn use your reaction, to prove that they're the "superior" one. They then slander you with their enablers.
Perfectly said.
@@elwoodalbert4677
I agree!
Spot on. My father exactly.
Truth!!!
Exactly that. Then they repeat the cycle.
It's never too late to seek freedom and safety. I escaped my trauma bond after 31 years of marriage. If I can do it, you can too.
This gives me hope ♥️
@@masterofwit339 I wish you wisdom, safety and success.
I escaped after 16 yrs. A broken nose and 2 broken ribs. Found out my narc took out 350,000 in CC and loans unbeknownst to me. 4 years fighting him in court. Be careful
My life was a nightmare. Lost a home I bought long before I met him. They are awful sinful evil people
@@beachchick7688 Oh, my gosh. I am so sorry you were treated that way! What a coward he was to hurt you. And yes, evil too. You did not deserve that at all. I am so sorry you lost your home, on top of all the other cruelty you endured. I hope your long nightmare with him, and in the courts, is finally over. Hoping you never have to have contact with hime again. Be wise and over protect yourself going forward because evil people do not like giving up control. Blessings to you, beach chick!!!
@@krissyp7219 Thank you … I needed to hear that. We’ve been married 30yrs & yesterday’s serve of “Am I a good man? Am I good enough for you?” out of the blue coupled with “if you’re not able to support me & what I’m going to do next then maybe we should go our separate ways” did my head in. The manipulation the night before just to get his own way was more than enough but to throw this at me too … too much. Thank you for giving me hope. I can’t live like this any longer.
Having been with a narcissist, I’ve never felt more alone and in a black hole in my entire life. Everything being spoken in these videos is real and legit.
Me too. We should probably consider getting some therapy. We have been abused mentally and emotionally.
Yes so alone
For real. We must break with a narcissist it's not worth staying in the relationship.
Been there,for decades was destroyed by a psychotic narcissist. 😢
I agree but I’m stronger then that narcissist thought even though it hurts but God is bigger than my pain and my heart was in the right place!
Trauma bond, comes from the push pull, “splitting,” the narcissist does. If the narcissist was always abusive, the victim could easily leave and never look back. It’s the good parts of the narcissist that keeps the victim engaged. The narcissist knows this intuitively, and acts according. They give out doses of niceness and then when the time is right, are abusive or even have a complete rage/tantrum. My little love bunny would wait until we were on vacation, or in a car for a trip. They love to disappoint you, then observe your reaction. It makes them feel good, it’s just that simple. I think, just writing this, that it’s all about them having revenge for something that happened to them a long time ago you had nothing to do with. So, for everyone out there, the empaths, who give their partner a million chances, demand respect, and love yourself. When you finally leave, and you will, think of the reaction the narcissist will have, and smile.
Awesome post. So true. Thanks
The part of taking revenge for something we never did to them, that hurt because it really is like that.
Very true. The constant see sawing of affection then aggression is exhausting 😴
This describes my relationship.
They love destroying birthdays and holidays and anything that you value. They are not fixable. Run and never look back.
I wish they would teach kids in school about this because most people especially empaths don't recognise this until its too late.
This is so true, and the damage is already done by the time you realize.
Not likely to happen considering many "educators", especially those in administration, are flaming narcs themselves.
With the high divorce rate,
Domestic violence,
Crime rate, child abuse,
Single parenting, expensive
Safe child care, in the USA
Education system should
Be a subject ( narcissist)
Should be required subject.
"School" ? Are you kidding me? The age for "school" dissipated decades ago. The agenda of a public edu. system now is to create as many dumbed down, compliant, stupid people as possible . No, "school" is now a mentally healthy, spiritually grounded (in Christ) parent - like it originally was ages ago.
Public School system now is pure child abuse.
@@helenhighwater5313 I was literally about to comment that myself. Teaching about narcissism would be a disaster - just look at what 'educating' about depression and anxiety has done. Now every single brat uses the mental illness in common parlance. Look at ANY teenybopper TH-cam comment section to see the meme they've created out of what is often the result of narcissistic abuse.
Looking at all of these comments I can't believe we don't talk about this more as a society it is real and it really affects people
It took me 40 something yrs to realize that I dated a narcissist and the mask was like a angel of light lord have mercy
@@marcdautricourt4477 I think the same thing!! This should be taught everywhere, especially in schools.
Most people are oblivious, and it seems only those of us who have gone thru the trenches see them for who they are.
When I realized I was bonding with someone who was traumatized for whatever reason I left the relationship. They will gas light you and have you thinking your the problem! They can’t take criticism! They never change! They lack cognitive dissonance. Leave immediately. They also seek out people who need them so they can control and mistreat you.
I used to be so carefree, fun, healthy (physically and mentally), sharp, witty, and genuinely happy. I've always struggled with anxiety, but I learned to control it before I met the narcissist. Being in a relationship with him heightened my anxiety to a new degree. I suffer from insomnia now, I'm overweight, I don't go out, I stopped doing the things I love. It's crazy. I just want myself back.
It will pass. Go 'no contact'. Healing will begin immediately.
You will… and you went through this in order to help others! This is spiritual warfare on the personal level for each of us. God bless!
What I always wondered about is the weight gain? Why do those who experience narcissistic abuse tend to gain weight? What’s the emotional connection creating the physical weight
@@slimelove3493 i honestly don't know... I do know that personally I tend to overeat in times of dismay.
@@slimelove3493The stress hormone cortisol has women especially gain weight. The fight or flight mode, response, is on constantly. Hence the weight.
This is more validation in 13 minutes than I’ve gotten in 20 years.
A narcissist will make you question everything about yourself and life in general.
Perfectly said.
So don't allow them to. God is Love. Gospel fyi:
Acts 2:38 Acts 22:16
Mark 16:16
Revelation 1:5
1 Corinthians 11 (veil)
Me too! It made me feel so much better about myself and the grieving .
It takes a long time to find you again.
A narcissist will make you feel bad about who you are- everyday 😢
watching this quietly in his room, crying silently. Everything, every single thing he said is my life right now. i feel like he sought me out,like i had 'vulnerable" right on my forehead. i feel so lost in this vortex of his ...shit
I’ve dealt with a lot of narcissism in my life from parents, siblings, lovers, friends, etc. I live alone now severe PTSD don’t want to meet anybody, don’t wanna do anything ,don’t want to go anywhere, have absolutely no interest in life whatsoever, and I honestly don’t know how to climb out of this hole I’m in ,so I just sit here as every day just crumbles, into another day of nothingness ,have no trust in people whatsoever cannot find it ,can’t allow myself to, and scared to death to be loved.
Try to do one thing every day that you truly enjoy.
FORCE yourself at first. Just get what you need out and do it. Every day. Make an area to do this. Art, a good book, jigsaw, whatever.... mix it up.. then when you get the hang of ot, look forward to it, make yourself do 1 thing you NEED to do, once its done, reward yourself with the positive thing you do.
Your reward cant be negative ie, junk food, drugs,alcohol etc. It has to be something positive.
Don't know what that is? Try different things. Get out in nature. Walk bare footed on the earth. Visit somewhere, beach, rainforest, farm. Rollerscate, sculpt, bake bread Whatever. Do SOMETHING.
the absolute worst thing you can do is isolate, more bad habits and choosing to do nothing
Truth.
I really hope this helps.
Get a dog. Take your time doing it. Choose the correct breed for your living, exercising, life time friend.
Always loving and loyal, if chosen correctly. Its scientifically proven to enhance our happiness. So does growing a food garden.
Get involved in your local gardening group.
Think of the world as a stage, you get to write the script and be the main character everything else is love and obstacles.
Start small, do one thing every day that can bring you joy, even if you have to force yourself. Build on that. I am going through some of what you are describing and walking outside helps me. I wish you healing and blessings. You Are worth it ❤
Dear Cindy, I am so sorry. I feel your pain and numbness for life. .Basically, I get you and you get me, because your comments correlate with my own on going experience. Although, my night terrors did stop the day my ex got married. I guess my brain finally felt safe. Anyway, I find I am proud of myself if I do just the smallest thing. Baby steps. I told one of my kids that I loved to isolate, and I shared I was going to start an isolation club. Months later I was asked how it was going. Great! I said. I'm the only one.... (true story, lol) After reading your comments, you qualify to be a member. smile.
You can writer a book ,you re a very good writer ,
And
You can reed so many books as you like , they Will be your friend .
And ,you can adopt a dog or a cat to love and be loved by .
Ciao from Italy
"I lost myself and how the hell did I get here?" is 100% accurate. I'm in my early 50s and I don't think I will ever be loved correctly. I'd rather die alone than go through that abuse again.
Keep an open mind there’s someone perfect for you
@@adriancaldwell - Thank you for saying that, but I feel whole and at peace with no drama.
I know the feeling all too well x
I’m 54 empath who had to learned to guard my heart.after 8 years of marriage with a insecure control freak I left him at the age of 31. Because I’m naturally upbeat and outgoing, I thought I was over it but I really wasn’t. I spent the next 15 years in a string of toxic relationships with self absorbed losers. I finally asked myself why do I keep attracting cthe same kind of person again and again??? When I faced my inner child who was routinely molested, I realized that I never learned to erect healthy boundaries.... I never really healed that little girl .now, at 54. Have done much work on my energy body I have talked with my inner child and held her lived her affirmed her I have worked diligently it was a long process but I’m in a much better place and truly enjoy being single. I have not given up on love.. just taking time for self love.
It really does leave you unable to love again, in a healthy relationship. I'm 71 and I'm afraid to get into a new relationship. It's just too exhausting trying to figure out if the other person is abusive or not. And then you've got to figure out how to get out of the relationship if it does turn abusive.
“There is simply no winning with a narcissist. They will treat you so horribly that you will become withdrawn and depressed and then they will turn around and say, ‘You’re no fun anymore, you’re always so depressed. I need to be with someone more positive.’” - Susan Williams
thats exactly like my mother- actually that's the exact things she typically does and says, its what she said before divorcing my dad and what she keeps on saying to me whenever im angry and tired of being around her at all, even looking at her face makes me feel sick sometimes...
Yup. There's no winning with a narcissist. They blame all their internal mess and self-inflicted misery on you and expect you to accept the blame without question. Don't waste your time!
@@jennywilson3740 God bless you Thnks for your response enlightenment insight All so right in a nutshell Truly come to the conclusion, you can't do right for doing wrong No mtter how hard you try No mtter what good kind hearted deeds you do You just can't win 😔🍀🙏
No winning. I agree. Winning for us is to stay away from them. Narcissist always try to turn everything upside down to make his/her victim feel weak and guilty for no reason. It is very tricky, sick and awful tactic. I met those kind of people few times in my life. And I must say you never win with them, you can only run for your life. They do not even know they are sick. Mr or Mrs or Miss always right.
@@sukayna7026 yes indeed, God bless you
The problem is forever with them, & they will go to any lengths to gslight us & convince others, their flying Monkeys, that it is us with all the problems you know? God bless you Sincerely hope lifes treating you extremely kindly now
Does anyone struggle with the fear that I am a narcissist? I feel like I've been manipulated and put down soo many times, and they ended up making me feel like im a terrible person, but my other friends have never made me feel that way
No you are not the issue. The narcissist makes you feel that way. Keep your real friends as a reference base.
The fact that you are digging to find out, that you are introspectively looking for answers, means you are not. Maybe you have some flaws, some properties you are not fully proud of. Maybe you have stood up for yourself and feel a bit bad about it. That's all normal.
I can relate to this. My partner has repeatedly accused me of being a narcissist, having a dark side, being something that I know I am not. Makes me question everything I know to be true about myself. It’s maddening and there have been times when I think I am absolutely crazy.
@@user-ng2lm5nv2q lean on your friends and don’t let your partner isolate you. That’s really what they want so they control even better
I avoided learning about this for so long, thinking I wouldn't like what I learned about myself. This is what gaslighting can do to you.
Sleep difficulty,constant nightmares, anxiety, brain fog, constant fear,panic attacks,constant pain, amnesia,depression, shame to leave him. A total lost of self. Thanks to my deep core faith to God, and the help of beloved friends and therapist I finally took this whole disaster as an opportunity to reinvent a whole new healthy self.🙏💫
"They're the problem. They want you to think that you are the problem." That's it in a nutshell.
I just experienced trying to get some support from an outside family member but my sister got to her before I did, so I got blamed as being the one who is the problem! Me and my drug addiction don't you know
Great 👍 👌 👍
It's not wise to assume you have no problems just because the other persons are more apparent. It isn't a sign of a mentally well human to put up with abuse for no other reason than fear of being alone which I assume is the only reason someone would. That is something the individual who is with the narcissist needs to work on. There could even be an argument that the non narcissistic individual is enabling the narcissist by staying with them when they believe them to be a narcissist. At the end of the day most narcissists have ended up that way through trauma of their own. It seems people either respond to trauma by thinking they are better than everyone or worse than everyone. Narcissists are simply the former and most people who willingly stay with a narcissist are the latter, borderlines maybe I don't know. Fear of being alone is a terrible plague, peace is much more easily accessible when you don't have all the ins and outs of another person's baggage on top of your own.
They also try to convince others you are the problem.
@@Pentacost2033 peace is also not possible when you live alone, have been single all your life, and experience massive hours per day of OCD ruminating thoughts on all of the damaging behaviours, events and comments of a sister and father who are narcissists. So I can completely understand the fear of being alone with one thoughts, but I just never went that route. Maybe I would have experienced more peace if I had decided to have someone in my life, just preferably not a narcissist as you say. I only just realized that I had the capacity to kick these people out of my life a year ago. I should have done it much sooner and maybe I wouldn't have C-PTSD to this degree.
"They say they are 'clean & healthy,' when they are most 'sick.'"
I divorced my narcissist in 2015, but we have four kids together. I can't escape. The torture that I have endured is more than most understand. They usually judge me, when really my dignity was stolen from me.
And now I am disordered...
You are loved and you are worthy to be loved.
@@laurab257for the sake of the children, do not let this break you. Learn to expect the unexpected. Try to be prepared, make a plan for yourself what you'll do, where are your limits. Collect evidence, write things down in a diary, for self-proptection. Stay in contact with others, like family. Share your stories.
Try not to think about what people say or do - they have no clue what is like to be married to a narcissist.
Almost everyone here understands the abuses you have endured. They are DISGUSTING, empty demons.
Toughest part is when you discover it's your mother. When you have a mother that has the whole family on strings and you're the only one who sees her true self - it's a feeling of loneliness that is incredibly detrimental.
Well, this CAN be your greatest teacher. Who else can you thank for programming you so deeply in your childhood AND GIVING YOU THE OPPORTUNITY to overcome such by healing AND growing into the person you want to be? Also ask yourself the question, were they completely evil to you in every way...or was it MORE like a balance when you see clearly? Did they give you any food, mothers milk even to keep you alive, along with the huge dollops of abuse also to keep you in subjection? So there was balance here. Why then all the hate or dislike towards such a person. Also you probably have a good deal of the SAME traits your mom or dad had/has, so there is also that to remember as well. Can you be balanced towards other people, instead of all positive or negative? Is this part of your learning experience? Also JUST SO YOU KNOW, I am an old person now (well soon getting there at least), and have one of my parents who is a malignant narc as well. There is more to it than only this, yet I just thought I would share that so you realize I have MUCH of the same experience you do with this in the past. I have come to some very fine understandings through it all. Remember PROPER GOLDEN SILENCE, and saying NO without saying NO (using neurolinguistic programming) are your two MAIN weapons as an empath...use them super well!
@@opopopop6286 i respect your intentions with this response, but i feel the need to point out the fact that having a narcissistic mother is not a necessity in order to grow as a person. it is not at all a positive experience, no matter how much you look back on it and think “well, they did x y and z for me so they can’t be all bad”. wrong. i understand that they are full people who have positive traits and were able to provide for us physically, but it is an absolutely miserable experience to know that they will never be there for you emotionally. as someone with a narcissistic mother, it was so agonizing to always feel like there was somehow something wrong with me. recently, i had the revelation that she was just incapable of seeing me as a person. praising these people for doing the bare minimum as parents and “teaching us” is further feeding their monstrous ego. if this is how you want to make sense of it for yourself, i can’t tell you how to deal with your trauma. but spreading this notion can be dangerous to those of us who still believe that we are somehow exaggerating our very real pain
@@franklyfearpilled believe me, or just even better KNOW. You can carry around the hate/unforgiveness all you wish. You can also deny every part in yourself that is REMOTELY like your parents. Was she completely 100% evil? You know the answers to these questions, are you? Do you utterly hate that person that gave birth to you and kept you alive with her efforts? Was she like the worst narc ever or like everything else you see in this dualistic world, was it more of a balance, otherwise why did you put up with it for so long? Did you leave immediately when you had the first chance? Or was it more of a learning experience for you also. You ever put her through any sort of emotional turmoil? Are both of you just NPC's anyways in a matrix like setting? Does everything you state come out as 100% true all the time? You ever lie about things or just plain get them wrong because of beLIEfs like many/most people (by far) I find in this place do? Lots of questions, and I am sure most of them will remain unanswered by you. This is fine for I already know MUCH of the truth in this area. They are known as rhetorical questions, placed more here for myself and any other sentient soul that may RARELY chance across them than they are for anyone else.
You will remain stuck in your hatred/unforgiveness as long as you wish IMO. You can also move up the ladder if you are a sentient soul...from your currently wounded-ness being a CoDep, to being an actual empath proper, to being a MASTER (or whatever) of your own reality...one able to change EXISTENCE by mere thought alone...so your choice, if you have one.
I am there. I cut my mother off a few months ago. My brother and my kids are so blind to her. They've tried to manipulate me. I have had so much peace since walking away nothing can make me associate with her again.
I still wake in the middle of the night after nightmares about my ex. Married 20 years, divorced 18, I still have PTSD. Profound grief at what he did to my life and how he treated our children. Verbal, psychological, financial and covert physical abuse (“accidental” shoving, bumping, foot stomping), gaslighting, chronic purposeful miscommunication, lies, hiding personal items and keys… I will never be the same careful hopeful person I was. Get out sooner than later, it won’t get better.
Hi ❤. I was married 30 years when my daughter had to move back to the house for a month will my husband, her dad fixed the bathroom in her house. With Daughter being home during those weeks, she saw what was going on with new eyes. She came to me one night and said, it makes me very sad that you think you deserve to be treated this way. And said I wish you would’ve left dad when I was a little kid. I hope you’re hanging in there. The saddest part about my story is I stayed 30 years and then I still wanted to be married so once I loved him, it was four more years until we finally finalize the divorce. And that was because I wanted him to want me. But by that time he didn’t want to be with me anymore, even though I was the one that brought up getting divorced. My husband was/likely still is a sex addict and engaged with porn darn near 24/7.
Anyway, I hope you and your kids are doing OK ❤❤✌🏻
Your words are familiar to me. After 20 years I still have nightmares as well. Divorce was a sin, I was told,. so I stayed and stayed. I'm just trying to live my fee remaining years in peace. That's all I ask.
Also, Patrick Teahan. He experienced CPTSD first hand and, after realizing, became a social worker and a trauma therapist.
I hope everybody who reads this post is getting better very soon and find peace in your hearts ❤🕊❤
Oh, that’s similar to my experience. Married 20 years divorced three years and I am still suffering with nightmares and PTSD. I suppose it would be worse if we were still with out abusers, but damn, I thought it would be easier to “shake it off” sending you a hug - from one survivor to another.
I understand that you can't leave the damages and scars behind but it would be better for both of us if we could just leave the narcissists in our pasts. I have considered looking into having my memories scrubbed but I fear I'd lose memories of people who I don't want to lose in the process. I just want to be able to trust my personal judgement about others I let into my life again. I had little trust of others before him but I trusted myself, now after 20+ years since my last contact with him I still haven't started to trust my own intuition about others again.
Sending healing thoughts and hugs your way.
It’s really hard when the narcissist is your mother and you are trauma bonded to her from the moment you’re old enough to think.
Yes it warps your personality as it's forming. And sets you up to be a target for other narcs especially in romantic relationships.
@@amberinthemist7912, amen.
Yes. It's taken me years to see how it impacted my other relationships (all kinds). I'm still learning how my Mother manipulates me ( duty bound) & I'm 63. Learning to set boundaries with her. I am just so compassionate & empathic. Anyone else I just walk away!
@@amberinthemist7912 It is really hard when it's a parent or family member, but what's insanely hard for me to deal with is the number of "friends" who knew about each other and HATED the other people and spent many years telling me to cut ties with them and as soon as I did... they all joined the same club and still act friendly towards EACH OTHER now that I've cut ties...
it's kinda crazy how these people have such an instinct to block and unfriend you, for what THEY did to YOU and what's worse after they ADMIT the ways in which they wronged you or witnessed others who wronged you and then make excuses for them and say that you're wrong for not getting over it >.>
The manipulation is so insidious and done so quietly you don’t see it fully until you are out.😢
It’s all about control.
Dr. C, you are such a caring man. You are comforting to listen to.❤
Narcissists have 'won' when we start asking ourselves what is wrong with us . They are exhausting in every way . Grinding you down is exactly what they do .
My sister said, “Stop asking why am I so lazy?” Instead ask, “Why does my body need so much rest?”
well they won in 5th grade.. because thats when i started asking what i was doing wrong because everyone at school abused me every day and my parents told me it must be SOMETHING i was doing.. so i started to try to figure it out.. well i figured it out.. everyone else is a dumb abusive animal..
Possibly you were dealing with future narcs, starting out as bullies. The best they could do was to hurt kind kids, bc they are so weak and broken inside.
Take care
@@thothheartmaat2833 I think the human animal senses weakness in others and picks on them much as other animal species do . When we are already ground down with no self confidence others pick up on that and join in .I once heard someone say that people pick on each other like chickens - there doesn't have to be any reason for it . Stay Strong
Indeed, so true, They are exhausting. They can suck the life out of you.
Dr. C. said, "They rob you of your own decency." That statement hit me hard. I'm embarrassed about and ashamed of the things I did to keep the peace. I was so lost and confused. I came to my senses when I couldn't stand myself another minute. I'm now free.
Your situation is exactly what I was talking about. Dr. C
Embarrassed and ashamed of the things I did to keep the peace. Even years after I left I feared he would show up and tell everyone my sins. He had issues with things that happened in the past, things I couldn’t change, and verbally assault me over and over again. Hear something enough you start to believe it.
“I’m embarrassed about and ashamed of the things I did to keep the peace.”
I hope you mean this as past tense and that you’re no longer embarrassed or ashamed. You were a victim of a master manipulator and have nothing to feel embarrassed or ashamed about. I didn’t have a name for it when I left my narcissist, but I knew I HAD to start putting my own happiness first. It took a year to have a name for it and several more years to understand narcissism and unravel the dysfunction. Nine years out as of now and finally feel mostly healed. I hope you are not only free from your narcissist but also free from the pain they caused you. ❤️
@@ellengrace4609 Your comment gives me hope. It's 15 months since the narcissist left me and it feels like the pain is never going to end. Sometimes I look back and simply can't believe the things I did to keep the peace for my children's sake - in actual fact I was just being an enabler and it hurts so much to know I wasn't protecting my kids at all, by staying for all those years (27) I was actually just prolonging the abuse. I'm so happy he's gone but doing the healing work is so hard.
@@ellengrace4609 yes, i went thru therapy to finally get him to stay away, but the comment resonated with me. That was exactly why I stayed. Shame. I’ve never come across anyone phrase it like that, but that’s truly how I felt. It’s not nice, but helpful, that others felt that way in that situation. The way he would verbally beat me down, and the things i did trying to make him happy, there’s shame and embarrassment in that too. But that was before the internet and I learned that i was in charge of my life, not him. Was I addicted to the drama? Maybe. It was so long ago, thank God. I secretly think he wanted to get me pregnant so I’d be stuck with him. He didn’t know I was smart enough to go on birth control without telling him.
35 years... my entire adult life...sobbing as I watch this.
❤️🙏🏾
why didn't you leave then
Take heart
I hope you can realize your value and beauty and belovedness. 🙏
“Duty-bound” I was groomed with this mindset. My mother guilt-tripped me every chance she got. What I will never understand is how they can cause so much pain, and abandon you when you need them the most. But the moment you decide to jump off the rollercoaster of insanity you are at fault. I’ve always felt more like the mom to my mom.
💯 We survivors are the best support for each other. 💕
If we set even the smallest boundary, call them out, we're the problem. "Honor your parents", they weaponize the phrase against me, and in the same minute they literally tell me word for word that I am a dishonorable person and don't behave like a Christian because I finally told my Dad that I can't stand the way he treats my mom. He went straight for my identity, like a kick in the jimmies. How dare we "let our parents down" when it costs us all of our dignity even speak with them? I refuse to play that game, I refuse to be bitter. I choose compassion. It stops with this generation.
@@Dwigt_Rortugal Amen ❤️🙏🏾
“Malignant” and “Devil” are the key words to remember... Showing compassion towards narcissists is like adding fuel to a fire. They worsen, become "more and more evil." Escape like your life depends on it because it does.
There is such a thing as a malignant narcissist. They are dangerous individuals.
We need to stop using the word narcissist and start using Sociopath Type 1. People think narcacism is good. Even some less knowledgeable psychologist will say there is nothing wrong with narcacism.
After 26 years of marriage, I can attest to that. They get worse and worse..... their viciousness is terrifying.
I have actually seen his face change and his eyes become very darkened.
@@lauraJa777 The only way that people are going to take victims seriously is if we stop calling it something innocuous like narcacist and call it what it really is ... A kind of sociopathy.
When a shrink says they are a narcacist no one takes it seriously. They think so what, he is just full of himself and conceited. But victims know this person is not just full of himself. This person lacks empathy. Is a devious liar. And is vicious when crossed. Has an arsenal of manipulation tactics. And a legion of monkeys to assist. This person is not just stuck on himself.
@@lauraJa777 Do you think as they get older maybe?
I escaped and worked hard to heal myself-no one can imagine what went on behind closed doors with narcissistic abuse.
Amen.
Unfortunately as I am healing from 30 years being brainwashed, i still have some defensive behaviors that rear their
ugly head. My daughter has turned dad's side of the family against me. Believe all her sad, pitiful lies that I did this and that to her. Late narcissist Dad did what he did and BECAUSE I ALLOWED it, I'm the bad one who deserves to be estranged from her.
@@stephl.r.6721 , very sorry. Healing takes time and patience. Best wishes.
@@jolesliewhitten6545 Oh yes we can imagine the abuse, both physically and mentally. The world is full of survivors...damaged, but survivors just the same.
Truths
Omg, nobody knows how low I crawled the floor. So humiliating
Going on 26 years. He is slowly killing my spirit. He will tell me in one breath to rest and the next telling me I don't work enough
Why aren’t you working? (homemaker & helping with his business) Why can’t you be more like x (housewife) if I was working. No win …….
I want you to put off going to work until we finish the house renovation……… then, Why aren’t you going back to work? ……… then as I began the process of my professional re registration……approached others. “do you know what’s going on with her…….returning to work ……..is she planning an escape route?”
No way to win …🫣🫣
more fool you for wasting your life
Don’t judge - it’s not that easy to escape.
Yes. They flip flop a lot.
Narc abuse gave me the worst anxiety . Walk away and just sit back and watch . When they are left in their own space and time it will destroy them . A narc will never be at piece with themselves in the end . 🙏
They trap in the net after all
I just got out of a 4 year relationship with a narcissist. He was never threatening or dangerous, but it was constant lying, mind games, and manipulation. By the end I had zero self worth, had suicidal thoughts, and truly felt like I was just an unlovable piece of garbage. I was in therapy, taking anxiety/depression medication, reading books, listening to podcasts, and watching youtube videos about how to fix my relationship and how to change myself basically into a completely different person. I thought I could make the relationship work if only I could learn how to handle his behavior better. I thought it was my fault. I literally did everything I could possibly do and it still wasn't enough. One day I finally woke up and realized it wasn't me who needed fixing. Dear god, I beg you to pay attention to the red flags and those gut feelings early on. Save yourself the heartache of loving a person like this. I am still broken.
Covert Narcissists are dangerous. When their masks fall off we realize we have fallen in love with ourselves, they just don't have what it takes to make a relationship healthy. Glad you saw your worth and value and got out🎯❤️
You WILL heal!
This was my life as well
You are broken until you say otherwise beloved now begin today to say otherwise! If you don’t know who God made you to be then today is a perfect day to learn that, not who the enemy threw in your way! Mine lasted about 4 years too, I’ve been out for about 7. It gets better and easier the more you share and receive authentic love.
@@authenticme5708 wow! “When we realize we have fallen in love with ourselves!”That couldn’t be more spot on as he exemplified all that I wanted but interestingly enough, it was a bunch of mirroring and then taking that “mirroring” to a whole new level. Great insight!
“A narcissist paints a picture of themselves as being the victim or innocent in all aspects. They will be offended by the truth. But what is done in the dark will come to light. Time has a way of showing people’s true colors.” - Karla Grimes
Oh please promise me that's the truth ... Even if it isn't! Hope springs eternal.
Do you wanna see a family members true colors, find out which member is dying and watch what happens?
@@freedomdude5420 i know, so extremely sd but true
Why this hppens i just don't know or will never understnd
@@evelina787 they want your money, there vultures. They’re the type of family members that hover over their dying ones just get the scrap in their wallets, it’s disgusting. These are the kind of individual sad to say, that should get a good Awad diddly squat, nothing, just for the fact what they’re doing and more importantly, should never be on the will, yeah, they’re gonna be angry, but they know why. I know we could be all little narcissistic, we all understand that, the real issue is if they had it their way they would stab the family member and take their money.
@@freedomdude5420 yes God bless you Thnks for your enlightenment
A prominent nrcissist in our life, is never ever happy, no mtter what you do which he demnds Jobs he wishes done which aren't necessry he mkes me pay for & never even sys Thank you So ignorant, hurtful n demnding
Ins@ti@ble
Forever mkes you feel you've done something wrong I'm not joking, when i s@y,,,even for coughing or opening a sweet The noise of a packet opening sends him into a rage
They can never be (@dmit they're) wrong, even when proven they are
Others tell me, he isn't just a nrcissist but a sociopth @swell, bec@use he fully not only intends to be evil, but gets hppiness out of upsetting them 🙄😔&recounts these moments over n over
God bless you & thnks again 🕊️🍀🙏
It was frightening, chilling to see that smirk on my husband’s face when he realized I was suffering but I kept it to myself.
It was one of the signs I needed to start planning my exit. I started praying more than I ever had for direction, wisdom and courage. Those prayers were answered over time.
I got out and have made great strides in healing with G-d’s help. It is worth it. Don’t give up on yourself; be kind with yourself. Sometimes it will feel like “3 steps forward and 2 steps backward “ but be determined to keep healing.
The feeling of being damaged goods fades. It is indeed evil. You can overcome this - ask G-d to help you.
Big hug my friend.
Yes, the smirk is very telling. That's when I realized what was happening and left.
Yes, thank the Lord!
The smirkers look superior, but, in fact, they are cowards.
Oh yes, that smirk was creepy. I cut that narcissist off and it hasn't been pretty. I received 2 nasty voicemail and they ride by my house all the time. It doesn't help that they live less than 5 minutes away. I walked away from a job because I let the narcissist get in my head...giving into all of my insecuritiies. I am free now and determined to find me and love me again.
I don't think my mother ever smirked, she always went straight to rage.
My Father is the narcissist I had to expell from my life. It is really hard. The abuse and trauma had to stop. It's been about 2 weeks. I am in therapy too. Whoever is struggling, don't give up on yourself.
Good for you. I escaped from my father's evil influence and didn't see him for the last 30 years of his life (apart from at the end). Since he died I've found myself obsessing about his abuse, I think about it every day (I was never like that when he was alive) and to be honest I beat myself now up for not confronting him when he was alive, for never even telling him how badly he'd treated me, I feel shame for not taking that kind of action. In fact can you believe that I wrote to him once APOLOGISING for not turning into the person he demanded that I be (although I told myself it was ironical, but he wouldn't have seen it that way.)
No matter the tremendous damage my father has done, no matter the daily struggle of shame and reliving the agonizing words and moments, even though most of my childhood memories are tainted through a distorted lens, I choose to forgive him. What he did was awful and I still live with it daily, but my being bitter with him hurts me the most, so I'm not doing it anymore. He's still alive, but I can't talk him these days out of protection for my wellbeing. I hope we'll get a chance to reconcile - a true reconciliation where he acknowledges my independence as a grown man, not just on his terms. I realize this is just me, and I don't know your situation, so don't think I'm pushing it on you. I'm just offering my experience if it helps you.
It's not your fault. When he died you finally felt safe to properly start processing everything.. but there are probably a lot of feelings under those thoughts that need to be honoured. What might you be avoiding feeling by obsessing at the moment? Could you stop and take a breath and see if you feel safe to notice some feelings or sensations in your body? The obsessing about the details is stopping you from being with the emotions and letting them through. It's ok, you safe now, the big you isn't going to abandon the little you who wants to finally let all those feelings out. Even allow yourself to feel the shame- not creating a narrative about it, but just feeling it, noticing where it is in your body, telling yourself its ok to feel and even this feeling belongs. when you allow the feeling maybe the shame will shift and you might have other feelings underneath like sadness or fear. treat each other feelings with respect, thank them, allow them. they will start to shift and the overthinking might calm down. It's hard but you've got this far, it's so much better the further we get.@@Paul-dv4dr
It was my mother who did this. The rest of the family supported her and I was drowning for decades. Now I know how why I felt like being me was impossible but once you see the light you have to get out of the darkness.
@@adamweidl5812 you go 100% NO CONTACT!! I did this with my mother the years ago. I feel amazing now
I was affected this way by my mother and some of my family members for nearly my entire life .
I tought I was the only one with Narcistic Mother ...🤪😰
My mother too and then this last man became one in the same
Took me 50 years to figure it out, and no contact is truly the only way to find peace, happiness and a life YOU WANT.
Looking back on the first years with this person, it was almost like being in a cult. They were on my mind 24/7 and instead of making room for family, friends, hobbies etc all I could worry about was not displeasing them, which was an impossible task. Thank you.
Even more DIABOLICAL is the female Covert who fools you long enough to have children with you for the purpose ⚓ you down. I worry everyday about the emotional health of my precious, innocent children in the care of this DEVIL. ALL OF THESE DEMONIC NARCISSIST ARE GOING TO FACE ULTIMATE JUDGMENT ONE DAY.
Your words are what I felt 5 years ago. Stayed in relationship for 3 years. We wasted so much precious time, and life because of them..❤
Gaslighting and brainwashing. Vile people who behave like this
Wow, yet another ideal analogy. That's really gross actually because it is so applicable. Wow. Geesh.
It's interesting you mentioned this because I just commented asking if it is possible to get this from a religion (or cult) as I had felt being a very involved member in my youth and young adult life. I now look at it with several years of disassociation under my belt and just feel deep understanding of why my experience felt the way that it did.
RUN JUST RUN and don’t ever look back!!!
23 years of it. Finally throwing in the towel. I’m so broken but I took myself back to church and getting the help I obviously need. Never again.
Be careful at church I've ran into some doozys of covert narcissists there. My parents were jerks outside of church and the nicest folks you've ever met in church.
I've been no contact for 5 years and it's fantastic
Im a 24 year old man and this video brought me to tears. I feel so gullible and easy to let someone so evil control me. This video helps the healing process thank you.
Hi Trent, You're at a time in life when you get to lay a solid foundation, defining who you want to be. Learn from what you have experienced and keep leaning forward. You are why I do these videos! Dr. C. #TeamHealthy
Hey Trent! Your comment stirs a whole host of emotions up in me and I feel the need to respond. As Dr. Carter expressed, learn all you can and carry it through your life without the blinders on. From one man to another- I wish I had not trudged through over 20 years involved in this situation and the damage it’s caused after learning too late what I was immersed in. I wish I could be 24 like yourself again and find out at that age and that early into my adult life. Please don’t let yourself be played into this situation and live a happy meaningful life with someone who will love you wholeheartedly! Most importantly love yourself first by setting the boundaries and standards in which you live. Demand the respect of not crossing those lines and those that do cut them out of your life and move forward. At my 24 in 2004 this was all happening but rarely verbalized or discussed as thoroughly as it is today so I lived it hard knock like millions of others have also. They’ll all agree with what I’m saying so take heed and carry knowledge as you live your life young man without the toxicity and destruction it’s caused so many that’s come before you. You don’t want to look up one day and realize you wasted your love and resources on someone whose I love you was as hollow and empty as a blown soap bubble. Be well and Godspeed!
It means your a good person. If you could easily be psycho or narcissistic back you wouldn’t fall for it or couldn’t easily ignore it. But your a good person. Once learnt and strong enough they will run for the hills and cowar like roaches in the light and youigjt not even notice them any more bc they only prey on ppl they know they can.
It's like a full time job for them.
@@Cowboogie its been over 3 months since the relationship and reading this. I always came back read this and it’s helped a lot. Thank you for sharing I really appreciate everyone responding!!
Always remember, you don't have to be in a relationship at all, with anyone. You can heal on your own. Difficult but possible.
Agree
People are conditioned to believe that they HAVE to be in a romantic relationship with someone. While it's perfectly normal to want to share life's intimate little details with another, victims of abuse are going to continue the abuse cycle if they don't work healing themselves first.
We could fall in love with ourselves? Date nights & all. Have some fun w/it✌️
@@jannelson4946That's literally what Narcissus, after whom we get the term narcissistic, did.
@jannelson4946 I love not being in a relationship. Too many dysfunctional ones our there nowadays. Gotta be careful
I’m in the path of recovery. Vitamin B 12 has helped a lot. I lack focus and energy after this break up .
I highly recommend B12 complex and Folate!!!! It’s a life saver in helping manage the stress and anxiety. I completely understand the word nefarious now! But I do find comfort in knowing that they actually don’t do it on purpose. It’s like they wake up and decide this is what I will do to hurt my partner today. They can’t help bring who they are!!! The level of their insecurity is so amazingly high that is why they act the way they do. This is not to excuse them but to show you that it’s not you!!!! It was never you!! They will continue to be that way for ever never changing, just changing victims. So if you are out…. Thank the stars and rem we mover it was never about you!!! If you are still in it… I don’t pray… but I will for all those that haven’t opened their eyes. For all those that are sick, because that is what happens… you start getting sick a lot! I will pray that you open your eyes before it’s too late. Before you commit suicide, before you have a stroke or before you come down with a serious illness - you are not the problem, they are!!! Find your tribe, there is one for every person!! A tribe that is supportive & loving- it’s human nature to want and to give that. Don’t settle for that little crumb they give you every so often. You can have it everyday!!
I’m 9 months out and just now healing physically! Emotionally it will take some time but I’m working hard at that everyday so that my narcissist doesn’t take more from me - because even after they are gone… they are still in your head!!!!
It wasn't just the lying, cheating and being disrespectful and hurtful, he was also secretly on the Down -low and not being up front puts you at risk for STDs.. Its sick behavior.
I'm surprised more people don't mention this. I've known so many Narcissists / Sociopaths that knowingly spread STDs, including HIV. It's just ANOTHER "gift" from those with NPD or APD.
A few things from the perspective of someone who has been through this. The number one thing to remember is that the narcissist chose you to begin with because it was so obvious to them that you are a decent person. They choose people who are kind and loving and patient and loyal and true to their word. These are precisely the qualities that they use against you. The other thing to remember is that the narcissist is an exporter of their internal state. All the pain and the chaos and the feelings that you will experience when the trauma bond after leaving the narcissist are their feelings. The guilt and shame that you feel, that is their normal state that is projected and exported onto you. By realizing this, it goes back to them. Lastly please understand that processing the trauma bond mirrors the intermittent reinforcement that created it, so there will be good days when you feel great happy and you enjoy being free from this person and there will be days when you feel angry and bitter and you want revenge and and there will be days when you desperately want that person to come back and give you that fake future that was always just out of reach. Stay strong. It is a truly horrible experience. It takes roughly one month per year to process. For every year that you were in this relationship roughly one month of healing is needed. 7 year relationship = 7 months to heal, give or take.
The last thing is that they need you more than you need them. You have actually had all the power all along, they just tricked you into believing otherwise.
Love is not supposed to hurt. You are beautiful and they are blind. You deserve to be loved for real.
Do your healing and get comfortable being alone, otherwise this cycle will likely repeat itself.
Thank you. I needed that tonight🥲
Thank you
Thank you.
I appreciate everything you just said my dude. However, I’d like to add something to your bit about the timing: this healing time may not be consecutive and will be stuck on pause if you don’t hit the play button. The connection isn’t all that great and sometimes it needs some time to buffer
Well said!!! Bang on!!! And how I needed this reminder today. May God bless you.💞
I had both emotional and physical reactions. My hands shook and my insides felt jittery along with the emotional pain of being duped and losing my ability to trust. They are so dangerous and destructive to anyone who cares for them and trusts them, R U N, you will recover, even though it initially feels as if you just want to crawl off to a dark corner. Fight for your freedom, you’re worth it.
Yes...RUN. Trust your gut!
I too had SHAKY HANDS! For decades. (It was brought on by a TBI from a bike accident when I was a teenager;but... 'Everything' was the exactly same as the writer. No Contact Sandy Williams has stated above, 2 days ago!! Incredible. Amazing how this "vampires" (Narcs) with smiling faces can be SUCH a DRAG on one's very Life. They'll try to suck you dry (imho anyways). My Dad died in 2017 & I've been working on recovering my 'Self' since that time. It's been slow. It's my own reality though & that feels pretty darn good most of the time.
I'm in my 70's and my hands still shake. Controllers reek havoc on the nervous system.
I was traumatized so bad as a child that at the age of 8 I started having seizures in my sleep. The seizures came from stress. Every time I walk away I do so well and I feel so good about myself. Then they approach me. I get such bad anxiety it turns into full blown panic attacks. Yes run!!! The triggers are the worst!
"Claim your freedom."
Very much gas lighting, making me feel like I’m going insane, questioning what just happened. Much sabotage of anything I’m happy about. When I would do anything I was good at, he’d say I was showing off-even when I prayed. Now, when I’m in fervent prayer, I stop and wonder, was I just showing off? Showing my enthusiasm for God?
The PTSD is so hard to throw off, even after leaving him 13 years ago.
I am a damaged person but striving to be independent. I actually like myself now. I know who I am.
My ex said I was fishing for arguments, i come from a problematic family, I have anger issues, I’m bipolar, would blame my job/my friends, even say I didn’t get outside enough…everything was at fault BUT HIM. He never once took any accountability and I wasted soo much of my time and energy wishing if I explained it a little bit clearer he would? Don’t fall for this trap. They know exactly what they’re doing.
yep... and don't think the times that you may have thought were relatively good actually were... mine threatened to leave if I ever mentioned the 3+ years I was financially supporting us... you're not allowed to do anything right either... never forget that
"They grind you into the ground." That's exactly what I'm feeling years later. They grind you into the ground to show you who is in control. I happily avoid meeting him anywhere in public places, never mention him to anyone, but deep inside I'm still scared. Still asking myself if it was all my fault and how I could have been so naive. These people change you forever.
I definitely agree! Heartbreaking what we allowed them to do to us. ☹️
I never heard of trauma bonding before. Wow does it hit the mark! I fell into the pit of narcissistic tendencies hook line and sinker. I came into this relationship with so much love for him. I had my 8 year old son. He had 2 kids living at home at the time. His 2 eldest daughters were living with their mother. His eldest daughter is just like her father. It took the death of my father and son to realize I am a victim of his thinking. I did everything for him and the kids plus a full time job to boot. I felt I was worthless,ugly, stupid, unloveable. The list goes on. When my son died at 34 I ended up seeking help and did so for a long time. I had to quit due to finances. This was where I learned of his unacceptable behaviour. Took me a long time to come to terms with him. I left our home and moved back to my mom’s as she needed help. I told my husband that if he would go to counselling I would come back. That was 8 years ago. He just wouldn’t go. My mom is gone. She had made arrangements for me to live in her home as long as I needed.
I am trying to work on myself to get back to normal but my self esteem is down the toilet. I have no other family to turn to except for my husband’s sister. I don’t want to burden her as she is close to 90. I am in my mid 70’s and my husband is 85. She is so good to me.
I am exhausted now. You. Have all dealt with the same issues as I so you understand. I can’t go on.
@@pambeni5635 Hang in there Pam, take very good care of yourself.. may you find peace, hope, and recover your energy.. sending blessings and wishes for your healing 🌿
@@pambeni5635 I'm so sorry for all that you have had to endure. You are not alone. Please hold on. You are worth it and deserve some peace and happiness.
Sending peace, love, joy, and empathetic compassion your way Pam, with a virtual hug. (*)
anyone else get traumatized just from hearing how perfectly accurate this stuff is for your situation?
Yes- I feel grief for all the lost years and opportunities to find true love. I'm 63 and hope it's not too late.
Yeah, like being "down wind" from a skunk
Yes, as Im sure youre aware, we have to hear it and bear it, the truth hurts but heals.
We didnt expect demons to emotionally con us into submission, because we didnt know the world was full of hate, fear and anxiety.
Not anymore.
Yes! When I first started watching these videos I was shocked! It was an eye opener and it was devastating! I thought I was worthless and nothing. He made me want to just be dead. I already felt like the walking dead anyway. It’s still taking me years to get to the point that I don’t need his opinion. To stop thinking there will ever be this deep meaningful relationship between us. I’m working, on getting myself to a point, that I can work on getting independent. A few more weeks I will have a working car, I’m looking at two surgeries that I have put off for years because of his bad health... his needs came first. Baby steps that feel like huge Giant leaps! I’m fighting now with feeling ashamed of myself for falling for this behavior. I’m devastated. I’m so broken. I’m mad! I see a light at the end of all of this mess. I’m not losing sight of that. I’m climbing out, with Gods help and these blessed Videos.
I was severely traumatized years ago as a teenage, got diagnosed with ADHD. Spent my whole life fighting ADHD. I suffered severe depression and mental disorder. Not until my husband recommended me to psilocybin mushrooms treatment. Psilocybin treatment saved my life honestly. 8 years totally clean. Never thought I would be saying this about mushrooms.
Congrats on your recovery. Most persons never realizes psilocybin can be used as a miracle medication to save lives. Years back i wrote an entire essay about psychedelics. they saved you from death bud, lets be honest here.
Hey mates! Can you help with the source? I suffer severe anxiety, panic and depression and I usually take prescription medicine, but they don't always help. Where can I find those psilocybin mushrooms? I'm really interested in treating my mental health without Rxs. I live in Australia don't know much about these. I'm so glad they helped you. I can't wait to get them too. Really need a reliable source 🙏
YES very sure of Dr.alishrooms. I have the same experience with anxiety, depression, PTSD and addiction and Mushrooms definitely made a huge huge difference to why am clean today.
100% agree I used to have Psychosis and paranoid thoughts like "people thinking about me talking about me etc. Very odd behavior after getting off Adderall from 7-16. Antidepressants at 18-29. 31 now. I took way to much, but took about 20g of Gold caps (Psilocybin containing mushroom) I analyzed my entire life. The emotions that came out helped me understand behavior etc more. Wont ever need to do it again because I'm happy and contempt forever, but I wish more people did this to alter their perception of reality. Would help with healing much trauma
How do I reach out to him? Is he on insta
They gaslight you to the point where you feel like you're the bad person. You're the one with problems, and, weaknesses , you truly forget who you are. Then, when you realize what's happening, more games start. They know you're an empath and suck you back in with their pity parties.
....are they hypnosis you??? Be careful
I used to think there was something so hideous about me, that no one could love me. Then, I learned about who and what a narcissist is. Complete game changer. I am a work in progress with healing pouring in , like never before! Much gratitude!♥️
Keep up the good work, you're beautiful!
Me too ❤️
THEY ARE THE PIECES OF SHIPS-NOT YOU-YOU WERE ALWAYS ENOUGH!
So that ol narco became your TEACHER/TOOL, what a big surprise (jk)...I have LOADS of experience too, so I KNOW :)
can you imagine failing to ever meet someone like your parent(s) again in order to open up those wounds again so YOU could CHOOSE healing and balance as an adult...you could of remained broken (codep is the equal opposite of the personality disorder of narcissism) until your dying days...
My marraige felt like a nightmare I couldn’t get out of. I was one of those people who just walks out of the house w nothing. One day I picked up my purse and my chihuahua and got in my car and left w nothing and NEVER returned. I had to start rebuilding all my household goods from Goodwill but it was worth it to get my freedom.
Good job💪🏻
Proud of you! That takes guts!
I'm glad that you took your Chihuahua too.
Me to. I only took my wallet.
Maybe I’m really in a sad state of affairs here but I’ve had my car keys, wallet and phone ‘confiscated’ for even thinking about leaving and I don’t even have a job anymore. He’s so demanding I can’t balance a job and his needs according to him.
I think financial instability is the biggest contributor towards people staying in toxic relationships. I think it also explains affairs too.
Financial abuse
The woman narcissist most likely stays for financial reasons, they are such leaches, parasites!
Did anyone experience a narcissist spreading lies about you ? Its friends are so hostile too. Why is that ? If addressed, the answer is always about death and a narcissist is always a victim.
Look into the Smear Campaign, we have all been victims of this-those who truly matter don't believe the lies. Hold your head up high and live your life-don't roll in the mud with the pigs, they're beneath you.
One strategy I used to move on from a toxic relationship that I would like to share with you is to write a list on your phone of all the bad things he did and red flags You didn’t see and read them every time You feel vulnerable and feel the urge to call him to get back to him. After reading the notes you will feel good ridden and motivated to pull yourself up. It really works. Best of luck to all
This is great advice, i know when I ised to think about what he did to me I would literally wipe my memories, so it wouldn't hurt anymore. After 8 and half years I've finally reached a point where I see everything he did, his stratagies and that the issue is with him not me. This realisation as helped me alot. Irony is this very memories that used to hurt me and weaken me, by writing them out will be the very thing that keeps me strong when he tries to hoover me back in, so thank you.
I do this, too. Only thing that works to remind myself of how angry I should be & to stay away from him!
I'm in the process of doing the same thing. I just signed the lease for an apt and hubby doesn't know. I'm slowly taking some essentials there when he isn't looking, but the trauma bond is so strong.
Yes! I wrote the list and it helps, I read it regularly
Great advice! I did this while in the relationship. Started putting notes in my phone of the constant episodes she was having. Was only married to her for 9 months but within 5 months I already wrote down 30 bizarre situations she was going through and projecting all her issues on me. It really took a huge toll on me. I walked a few months later. I never knew mental illness like this existed.
My dad, literally drove my mom to a nervous breakdown. She was catatonic at one point and then put on meds for the rest of her life just to be able to endure the narcissist. She wasn't strong enough to get out.
I'm so sorry for your poor mom, and for the family having to witness what your dad did to her. My situation was the opposite, where my narcissistic mother sent my dad to an early grave, at the age of 58. She is a hateful, controlling witch, and I pray that she suffers the same torment for the remainder of her miserable life.
My god, mine too.. drove her to alzheimer disease in her 50s. She died in a nursing home 2017 at he age of 70..my dad brought his new girlfriend in to see her and she stopped eating after that and died 14 days later.
She lived in hell. I wish I had known then so I could have supported her😔
@@us4damons Your father is a hateful man, and so terribly heartless to bring his girlfriend to a visit. I'm so sorry for the loss of your mother, and I hope that you have nothing further to do with your father.
My own narcissistic mother will be 81 this year. The old saying of "Only the good die young, and the evil will live forever" is for her, as she contaminates this our planet with her toxins. Went nc a few years ago, for the final time, and it has been a tremendous relief for my soul.
@@SteeleMagnolia I have not had a relationship for my dad for about 5 years. We weren't super close for a long time anyway. But honestly, growing up, he was a really good dad. I honestly have no complaints about what kind of dad he was but I see now after my own experience with a narcissist , what a terrible husband he was
So sad!!!
Everyone who's experienced toxic relational trauma should listen to this. I was happy to cry as I listened as I felt supported at the same time. Others out there: you're not alone!
I've been called names, left out of major family events, insulted in front of extended family whan I was included in family events, lied to very obviously, and told that I should have known why.
It took years for me to finally realize they don't like me, and even longer to figure out that I can survive being disliked by people who said they loved me.
It's absolutely survivable. You have no duty to set yourself on fire for people who cannot see, understand, appreciate, respect, or care about you. Let them go, without rancor or hate, and soend that energy on people who will lift you up, including yourself.
I feel like you had been the 'family scapegoat'. Look into the term if you already don't know it. I had been one. It's horrible.
Encouraging words I needed tonight. Thank you for sharing- especially that it is survivable.
Family are the worst, keep away from them, keep your business private
It's so much worse when the narcissist is your parent. I reached adulthood believing that cruelty was a normal aspect of relationships. I don't think I could fully heal from what happened to me in 10 lifetimes but at least I have gone no contact with that monster.
I'm sorry to hear that. I learned that I will never escape my narcissistic mother, no matter how much money I make at my job. I'm the only person that is going through this. No one in general knows what it's like to not have enough finances to move out in a home of their own by themselves. I don't know if you felt this way, but this is how I'm feeling right now.😞
I am in the exact same place as you , but my sick mom and stepdad got a court order to lock my loss of income into a Curator ad Bonis , and they dictate to the Curator ad Bonis what I shouldn't have more of , my circumstances are inhumane and I have been held hostage by them , from living a life of my own , because the constitution of South Africa is oppressive so I have nowhere to get help from and no way of leaving South Africa , either
@@Bianca-sw5id Oh, wow. I didn't realize that.🙁
i am right there with ya bud. Its plan awful in a way words cant tell. And when i hit finical trouble that's when it got plan sick. Living in a place were i know no one and only my parents to ask for help, gave them the full power they craved to just destroy my life. Now im kinda kept hostage in my home and i pray to god this ends soon..... but yea its really really damn tuff and for 5 of the 8 years iv lived were i am.
When both my narc parents died, especially my dad…I felt safe and free
The saddest and most difficult part of having been in one of these relationships is that I used to be such a spirited and free person. I was fun and confident. He broke me and even though it’s been years I don’t think I’ll ever be who I once was. It breaks my heart. What I wouldn’t give to be that person again. But I really fear that she’s just gone. I’ve done a lot of healing for sure. But I’ll never be the same 💔
Love that little girl inside you and keep healing survivor
I left my narc husband 20 years ago, and I'm still not over it. Probably because my mother was a narcissist. Between the two of them, my own nature was obliterated. I am only finding myself now, after years of therapy and 12 step groups. It's rough.
God bless you. I'm trying so hard to get away from this sick "situation", I can't even call it a "relationship" anymore... even though we've been together for so long and raised (well, at least I raised..) two children! I only wish I knew about all this years ago....I knew it wasn't right, but always tried to believe that it could get better... what a fool I was!! I hope and pray for an apartment soon... it won't be easy, with my med. probs., but I can only pray it will be more peaceful and I can have some time (before I leave this earth) to BE HAPPY and do what I want to do and just to LIVE IN PEACE!! 👍➕🦋☮️🐎🙏❤️🌹👋
I feel the exact same way 😢
I recently celebrated my 48th birthday and for the past 4 years, have been rebuilding every aspect of my life. I wasted over 15 years (only married 5, but he left after 3) with a demonic, physically abusive sociopath. The only thing I can add to your relatable comment is the shame I feel, as an educated, intelligent woman, for allowing his treatment. I wish you the best!
Both of my parents were narcissists. Life was horrific. Dad was beyond simply evil. There isn't a word to describe accurately the level of evil he was. He WAS the boogie man! I could tell by his footsteps what mood he was in and whether I dare leave my room or not. I prayed he wouldn't come in my room.
Mom never protected us. She always betrayed us to him. But she also dressed us in sexy underwear and clothes at an early age, garters, teddies, thigh high stockings, heels, etc. She set us up for the molestation that followed. She was basically pimping us out to him. But then hated us afterward. She put us down for not being as smart as her, pretty as her, etc. He beat us black and blue nearly daily. He bounced me off walls until I passed out, all while making sure I understood I was evil, a liar, a manipulator, etc. Then, just as icing on top, they raised us in a high mind control cult.
Somehow, my sister and I managed to survive, with scars, but we're alive and paddling hard.
I wondered, tortured myself really, for decades, what was so wrong with me that my own parents couldn't love me. But once my aunt explained they were narcissists and had me watch these videos, a huge weight lifted off me. It took time, but I finally understood a few things...
It wasn't personal. They treated everyone the same way. It wasn't me.
You can't make sense of crazy. Stop trying to find causality. It's really not important. It's actually simple. Are they evil? Yes. Stay away.
I moved 2000 miles away and found peace. I'm finally comfortable in my own skin. I know who I am and what I'm about. I have boundaries and, buddy! You better believe I back then up!
But what a complete mind F---k!
Don't go around there trying to sell crazy. There all stocked up!
It's often hard to believe there are people this evil in the world. Glad you got out ❤
A narcissist totally destroyed me.
I understand, we can heal! We are survivors! Stay strong, you are worthy!!!
This hit home for me. I spent 10 years in a relationship with a narcissist. I lived far away from family and friends and i was completely at her mercy. And nobody took me seriously when i reached out for help as she was half my size. Once i finally got the strength to leave, after making the choice between leaving or suicide, the abuse went up to 10 in a last ditch attempt to break me. Now far away from her i have my self esteem and confidence back and see her for the weak bully she is. "if you are going through hell - keep going".
Stupid people don't realize it's got nothing to do with physical size...it's about psychological / emotional abuse. The thing about Narc abuse is that it is a dog whistle that only YOU can hear. When you try to explain yourself to others, they won't validate you and you have now been subjected to the secondary abuse of their ignorance. Be careful who you talk to. "Only those who live in the house know where the roof leaks."
Outsiders don't really know or care and they may even defend the abuser because because she is such a "nice" person....to them.
my brother is in a similar situation (only my mom and i area aware of what she is). i hope he can find the strength too because im afraid it will kill him one way or another. if only there wasn't a child involved......................... : (
@@lurklingX Good luck to him, once that first step has been made he will feel a weight lift.
I feel you Bro
@@QuiDocetDiscit Your words are true, however I disagree with the name calling. I hope you learn that every person on earth is on their own journey. That journey is often full of pain. We all need to be more kind and loving with each other.
My father is a true narcissist and my mother has many narcissistic qualities without realizing it. I realise now that I was never the problem, and hopefully I can keep reminding myself that.
Stay strong. It’s so hard to undo years of brainwashing but you can do it.
It’s really hard to remember, though. That feeling that you’re going to be in trouble for every single little thing you do is so hard to shake.
Hear hear! I feel the same, same situation. Nevertheless, their opinions are deeply ingrained in my own mind, and underneath it all, they will never leave me.
Same here, they are both finally gone now….
This is what they should have taught us in school! It would have saved me a lot of heartaches, abuse, and 2 1/2 years of Captivity! And made a slave. T. U so much for giving your skills to all of us!
...a woman manipulating
When her Father died, she went absolutely berserk screaming and yelling in grief. At the funeral she kept hugging the coffin.
Ten years later when my Dad died she was chuckling and giggling feeling very strong and enjoying my pain. She chastised me for having quiet tears in my eyes.
Five years later I was discarded- Thank God to be rid of her.
I wish this stuff was more mainstream in psychology.
Imagine being completely devastated by these kinds of people, going to therapy, and being taught you needed to be respectful and accepting of the behavior.
I think therapy screwed me up worse than she did.
Uhhh…what? Sounds like you had a terrible therapist!
I am so sorry. Their manipulations work, because even educated people can't accept the evil.
yes, you are right. Be careful with therapy: narcissism, the real kind, is not taught e.g. in psychiatry. I'm a psychiatrist, so I know. (though psychiatrists rarely do therapy). But, on the other hand, you need to understand what made you vulnerable, thus what changes you may need to make in yourself. Never forget that therapy is NOT massage therapy: it's not there to make you feel good, it's more like physiotherapy for a broken arm. It's gonna hurt, and its purpose is to work on yourself. A real therapist is not there to massage your ego. If you want to change yourself, then you go for therapy. Otherwise, letting sleeping dogs lie is a valid option.
@@raphaellavictoria01 Any advice on how to find a therapist capable of addressing this stuff? I have no doubt I need help, but no idea where to turn. Maybe I'm beyond hope, I'm just that disordered I'm incapable of grasping the concepts.
For example: Let's say there's a small rubber ball covered in green felt. I would say it's a tennis ball. Another person says it's a tire iron. I understand both realities are equally valid since truth is subjective, but I can't wrap my head around why.
Yes, this is fairly new, all the in-depth understanding of various types of narcissistic dynamics. I have looked at years back and only now, enlightened by such as Dr. Carter or Dr. Ramani, do I recognize patterns of behavior in people I came across that would astound me, or revolt me but I did not know how to understand and place them. Well, better late than never, right? Unfortunately all sorts of specialists out there, even if licensed, are not that good. Sorry for your poor experience with counselors. I wish you all the best unraveling these challenges and good health and happiness to you ! Above all do not give up :-))
One of the problems with covert aggression is that it can be so subtle that it really takes time and effort and much observation to catch all the covert aggression/manipulation, but then other people will not support you, because they do not see it, will not see it and refuse to accept it as aggression that harms people.
It's supposed to be a lesson 🙄
Many are masters at hiding their evil manipulation... It's part of their "game" to make you look like the crazy or manipulative one- even to the point of questioning yourself!
How very accurate
You said it perfectly! My husband is evil; the covert aspect of his behavior is really diabolical. The fact that he thinks about, and plans, ways to hurt me... I know he does, but I still can't wrap my mind around how someone actually gets joy out of hurting someone they're supposed to love more than anyone else in their life.
@@beyerterp - Hi, so do you have a plan to get out? Or are you just minimizing contact? My personal experience is that, its good to move at least 1,5 hours away from that person, maybe more (hard if you have kids). ------ From what I have learned and seen, I believe that these people have a big need for revenge even for the smallest percieved slight - and since they are hypersensitive (the smallest things offend them into toxic shame), that seems to make them feel often attacked + their disordered boundries make them think that others are responsible for things that are in reality their responsibility..... To me it seems like their aggression is mostly revenge and controlling behavior as they try to manage these toxic internal mechanisms (I think that they live in hell).... It is their problem to solve, not ours.
I understand that my body had become chemically addicted to the situation that my Narcissist had created for me. Reintermittent Enforcement. After ending the situation i went into withdrawal akin to a drug addict. As each day goes by things get a little easier. 🍒
Intermittent Reinforcement
I was in a narcissist friendship. I don't know how I stayed friends with her for so long. I finally got to my breaking point and cut her out of my life. Everything said in this video is spot on. I think I put up with my friend for as long as I did because my mother was also a narcissist I was able to ignore a lot of the narcissist qualities in my friend thinking the behavior was normal of some people.
I see same signs in my friend too. We've been friends since school but she gets bouts of manipulative tactics and seems like she's pissed over me most of the times. I've stopped being controlled by her, I try to update her less about what's going on in my life now.
Yes. I understand exactly I just this Thursday did the same with a toxic woman friend who I knew was an enemy for two years. It is not good to know people like that and my mother also was one. So I was always letting the vicious stuff slide which we should not do.
Yes! As if she is just pissed about me and everything about anything I were to day she jumps on and starts insulting me loudly and rudely so blatantly abusive. I am a woman btw
I relate to this. My mother is also, I've never even gotten so much as a hug from her.
Yes , They Only Take Take & Take , Never Return
I had a mother who was a sadistic, child abusing narcissist. She ruthlessly and systematically opened the flood gates for every other abusive narcissist to pick apart my open wounds. By sheer will to live and help from other survivors, I will be 54 years old next month. 🌟
Be encouraged.. thanks for sharing
tara. ann, i love you. good on you for educating others. enjoy your life free
I get your pain…they are evil!
I know exactly how you feel. Walked away from my mother, brother and sister last June. I'm 64 and will not go back ...ever.
Wow, I had the same experience. I remember going all the way back to about 5 years old when she started her abusive. She was so jealous of how successful I was set out to be and how much other people liked me that she tried to kill me. She truly is of the devil. Literally no body likes her and God has already shown me that where she is going is a far different place from me I'm going after we expire. She even made my father drink himself to death.
Family, do not get in relationships with narcs, they will ruin everything with joy. It's a damn shame
I am 85 years old and I never knew what Trauma Bonding was until now!! Thank you Dr. Les Carter!!
You're quite welcome...keep learning!
It's never too late to be happy❤
My mother was a champion narcissist. I am by nature a compassionate, respectful person. She beat me down my whole life. She made it clear that she was who mattered. All of her needs had to be met. She made sure we had food, clothing, and shelter (she was a single mom), but beyond that, we were " on our own". I am still dealing with trying to find my voice, and I'm 70 years old. I loved my mother, but I hate that she robbed me of my own life. I feel I have struggled all my life because I was constantly tip-toeing around her and focused completely on doing what pleased her, instead of discovering who I was, what talents and gifts I had.
When i tried to set boundaries, he said i was jealous
😂 or they tell you that you are controlling 😂
...a woman manipulating
I stayed 35 years for my children. The first opportunity I had I left and cut off contact. 8 years later he still finds things to sue me to upset me. He got engaged while we were separated and married 3 weeks after our divorce.(with judges permission) of course our friends never knew how bad it was because he had a duel personality that led others to believe he was a wonderful husband and father. All I need to say is all our children no longer speak to him and he has zero access to our grandchildren. He can no longer damage our days with the burden of his toxicity. I hope everyone gets the courage to leave and know it’s not you. It’s them.
I understand the duel personality. My SIL calls me to see how everyone is, I talk to her in a civil way and not get to personal. As soon as I mention one little thing … she doesn’t want to talk about her baby brother bc no matter what he does he’s alway going to be baby brother! My husband acts so different to everyone else just to make it look like I’m the problem. 2 of my kids understand my side but my oldest will talk to my husband for hours. I’m ready to make this call happen for me and the sake of my kids.
I agree to this noone knows about them as they put up a different face in front of others
I’m terrified my child will be like him if he’s around him. I’d love to know that my son will see what’s happened and want nothing to do with him one day too.
Hugs
It's funny how it's always women saying these things for the most part. Maybe YOU were the problem.. just a thought?
This is spot on. I was married to an abusive narcissist for 18 years. He destroyed every relationship I had. I can't even explain the depth . We had been divorced for 13 years and even though I had moved to get away from him, he continued to make my life miserable. When he died my very first thought was "Oh good. Now I can have some peace now.". And I have. I am still working to repair the damage he did to my relationship between our daughter and I. The man was nothing but hate, venom and poison.
I say the same thing about my ex. I can’t wait til the day you die so I never have to deal with you ever again.
We've been living the same life simultaneously and I wanted to tell you I'm glad to see you on the other side. Let's have a laugh together sometime.
They don't care how much pain they cause. Not one bit. Mine would sit in his office and calculate,'What else can I take away from her".
...some people have all the luck.
@JennyGirl, Please get out of there any possible way you can. I know how you feel, this has happened to me too. Ask a DV shelter to let you come stay and don't go back!
"Defending and explaining yourself" ... definitely! So thankful to God for my excellent trauma-informed therapist.
I think a trauma-informed therapist is a relatively new phenomenon. All the years I went to therapy with my husband he was seen as the “normal” person and my reaction to the soul sucking superior spouse was seen as the problem. He raised a judgmental, superior daughter who he allowed to order me around with his support. It seems they were united against “the problem”.
The disorienting part of this is when you're dealing with a covert who counts on their reactive abuse tactics to mislead others around you. The supply they get from this really reinforces their toxicity, like sugar cubes to a lab rat. And they will recruit anyone and everyone to destroy you to make sure you stay caged. The more you know about their shame, the more aggressive they get. Get 2 or 3 of them together who really feel threatened by you, and they'll keep driving for those early pained reactions they got from you before you knew better. What I'd tell myself 10 years ago: Move in silence, mirror their emotionless demeanor and give absolutely no information about your thoughts/priorities/plans, assume your loved ones have already been manipulated against you, and assume you have no privacy when using electronic devices until somebody trained and objective verifies you're in the clear. That last one is a biggie. Thank you for your content, Dr. Carter.
You can tell you love what you do.
17 days ago I left my narc. And we are at a DV shelter. I was sad and down the first week. But I feel so free now. It really is liberating to break free from the negative toxic person.
Best wishes to you, Dakota. FYI, prior to retiring, I volunteered (cooking weekend breakfast) for a women's shelter for years, and it was so rewarding. Glad you're getting help!
I've been there myself, keep your head up! You've taken an amazing first step towards a better life. You deserve this freedom, you deserve this peace, you deserve to be happy!
I hope you stay strong and keep moving forward. As a survivor, I recommend therapy so you don’t find yourself in the same situation again.
From someone who’s been there, you are only headed upwards now!! Fly birdy
I'm happy you are out! I remember the first day of my escape I couldn't stop smiling at everyone because I could.
The woman my ex husband is now married to is going through this now . I told her last year one day you will message me and say WTH has happened to me and sure enough. She did . He took 100k from her( she willingly gave bc she didnt know better ) and now he left wanting divorce. There should really be a law for conning people especially your wife.
It’s a waiting game with the new wife, (s) depending on their tolerance for the abuse. But nothing lasts with these creatures.
I got done by the son of a Judge
Who, I found out down the line (oh the things I found out about both bloodlines going back generations), did the same to his first wife.
I also had a post-separation ex gf of my Ex contact me after he broke her after two years.
His twin sisters enable him, as does his father, step mother, the money, the privilege and a complete lack of accountability on behalf of all involved.
It is EVIL.
It’s pure evil.
So typical of them. Same happened to me. I trusted and I paid!
@@monalabelle9873 same here
Same, was conned of over a decade of child support, and still being manipulated out of what we need….too afraid and exhausted now just a few more years to go
I defeated my last one. I learned a lot about narcissists this round. Thanks to TH-cam. Looking back, all my past "partners" were narcissists. Some, worse than others. I'm always told I'm a strong person. I would be lying if I said it wasn't difficult and it hurt, but I definitely can see how someone not so strong could be ripped apart and devastated by the immature narcissist. I believe they are dangerous and are loose cannons. They can be very charming. Watch out.
Well that described my father perfectly. And my sweet mother wanted to dump him a number of times but she didn’t. At the end she was dying from cancer and he got furious and wouldn’t let her family be with her, just kept yelling “This is MY house! This is MY house!” So she died all alone. He had her cremated, no obituary, no ceremony, no picture on the funeral home website, nothing. Forget him already, I posted pictures and put the obituary in her hometown paper and posted it on Facebook. He cussed me out for that and hasn’t spoken to me since because it pissed him off so bad that I gave my mother a little bit of honor.
My husband is the exact opposite of my dad. He passed away recently. (The video of the ceremony has over 4000 views) Next month is the court hearing to legally change my name to a feminine derivative of my husband’s middle name, and my middle name to my mother’s maiden name. I’m renaming myself to who my husband said I was, and who my father said I was can just be the dust in the wind in his forsaken desert backyard.
Going through the same thing with my stepmother. So awful to think of the pain and abuse my Dad must have suffered. He deserved so much better. Everything has been a lie.
Bless you❤
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This describes my whole marriage! I was looking for a loving relationship & instead got 50 years of this trauma bonding. Now, I am ME , with no shame. Noone has my permission to disrespect ME ever again. 👍
Sandra Rollins
After 50 years of confusion and trauma how did you manage to find the courage to leave? What was the catalyst?….
It’s been 45 years … and still stuck.
@@BroscienceXpert I tried to leave. I had a nervous breakdown, so I stayed. I have my own sitting room, mI you the 2nd bath in the house, I slowly learned to not REACT to his verbal abuse. When I sense it starting I leave the area . I practiced social distancing before the pandemic. I demanded he respect me. I am a born again Christian & I KNOW who I am in Jesus. My husband's smear campaign doesn't define me. The xt6 in the driveway is mine too. 😉
❤️
To Billy Rae: the unconditional love of God via Jesus Christ does help. I already have my God's approval and I don't need anybody else's. I am have unloaded the burdens the toxic relationship gave me, I gave them to Jesus. I have a warm ring of Christian friends plus my extended church family. Learn NOT TO REACT to the narcissistic acts. Don't even see him when you are in the same room...like you do a wall. Don't carry a chip around, because you'll be the one hurt, not them.
You lasted 5more years than me. Free at last!
My husband fits every narcissist profile. Three years ago I began working with an amazing therapist. With her help I went from having no sense of self to noticing my voice. To trying my voice out, to saying how I feel instantaneously. Now I speak how I feel, say what my boundaries are and I don’t let anyone walk over me. My husband and I are still together only because I suffered a horrible injury that left me disabled for the past twenty years. Of course my mother was a narcissist with some other mental disorders. I’m 66 and I’m almost free. I had a recent back surgery that was successful. My goal is to have a job by summer and leave my husband at that time. I’m dreaming of a life of peace and love. Thank you for all that you do 💖
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God Bless you, you can do this!
Support and compassion 😌😌😌😌💛
Good for you. You have amazing strength and courage. Peace and Love to you!
Its nice that you have the brains to accept that your husband is a narcissist, my mother is so fucking weak.
I’ve experienced diabolical and it took many years of counseling to rebuild. Never ignore red flags. As Miya Angelou once said, “When someone shows you who they are, believe them.”
very relatable. My ex was jealous of our first born breastfeeding and actually said to our child “y’a, it’s just Dad! While holding him.” He intentionally spilled pumped milk and was overjoyed after stressing me out until my milk actually curdled!
Omg i had the same experience.left him a year later.
How horrible a demon he is
😮💔🙏🏾
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What do you do when the mom of the child is the narcissist and has taken the child from the dad who is actually the one who should have the child?? How do you fight that in the courts when she is a master manipulator!? She uses the baby as leverage!
I am reminded of what I said to 'my' attorney during the first meeting. I told him I was petrified, literally afraid of my wife. It got to the point where I was afraid to even talk to her other than using gray rock speak - this was before I learned what gray rocking was or that it was a term. But I basically shut down in her presence. It was a horrible debilitating existence. I actually felt like a pow who didn't want to say anything to aggravate his captors, or be tortured again. THERE WAS NO PHYSICAL VIOLENCE IN MY RELATIONSHIP. But the mental torture was consistent. However, the rage I experienced along the way did have me frightened and always on high alert that she would physically attack me. You could see it in her eyes. It was frightening. I'm just over 3 weeks removed from her presence. Some days I feel down. But I am noticing how much better I feel every day.
I identify with being petrified of a narcessist. It was surprisingly difficult for me to acknowledge that the main emotion I felt and still feel whenever confronted by my mother is FEAR. Even more than the shame, humiliation, anger, disgust, depression, helplessness, isolation, worthlessness, and other mixed negative emotions she caused me and others to feel- FEAR was the driving factor behind all of it.
I always knew I was afraid of her, but I was afraid to say I was afraid! Fear on fear on fear on fear.
I carried that denial of fear with me into my other relationships- with exes, with friends, with co-workers. I'd been conditioned by my mother and her enablers to think I'd be mocked, belittled, punished, ignored, and/or accused of lying if I said I was afraid. I was gaslit into thinking it made me a big baby to be afraid. So I wouldn't admit I was afraid- not even to myself.
Instead I acted tough. But that only made me look bad and got me into more trouble. Then I grey rocked, but that only posed a challenge to her to try harder to persecute and unnerve me.
I was afraid to adimt I was scared at the heart of it all.
Now I know it's all part of the narcessist's tactics to train you to ignore your own emotions, to twist you into something you're not, so they can control you. If you don't meet their impossible damands, they will scapegoat you. If you take yourself out of their controlling realm, they will become obsessed with destroying you. They will isolate you, sabotage you, smear you, and take anything they can take away from you. Pride, joy community, family, money, even the will to live.
I've lost my community and my inheritance and she's threatened to take more. I have finally taken a stand by going no contact.
I'm still afraid of her and her threats and her flying monkeys and her smear campaign- but now I'm not as gravely ashamed of my fear anymore. Now I see that fear exists to warn us when something is very wrong. Fear is there to tell us to stay far, far away from the person ((or entire community) who is inflicting it.
Don't go back ever! Ghost her if you can! Otherwise keep contact as short and cool as possible.
I am 80 yr old. 23 years of abuse. Love yourself..find people who love and. appreciate you.
This! No physical violence and yet you shut down, can't speak, can't breathe when they're around.
@@themaggattack One should not live in fear.
I just got out 3 hours ago. I waited til he was blind drunk asleep. I knew it was bad but the denial took ages to break. He used my vulnerabilities against me. Im safe for now but pray for me as the only place I have to stay is my parents house where I was badly abused in childhood. I called the police and told them to keep him away from me. I was held hostage yet I stayed as I felt sorry for them. Thank you for caring Dr and making these videos and creating community. I’m free ❤ wishing the same for all who still suffer
Peace be with you, I pray you are in a better place now 🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻
1 Corinthians 16:13
13 Be on your guard; stand firm in the faith; be courageous; be strong.
@worldbrexit4204 Thank you and for the verse with words of hope
I hope you are still ok and free of him. If you are with him, stay safe 🙏
I am proud of your courage
@@worldbrexit4204 Appreciate your comment and prayers. I’m slowly but steadily rebuilding a life of peace and healing. God bless you for taking the time to write
He has taken literally everything & everyone from me. I am completely alone. I cannot even survive without the crumbs he throws at me now&then.
Yes you can!! You can and will
Survive - he’s got you brainwashed into thinking that you can’t - you realizing you are in this makes you think that therefore there is something wrong with you and at a certain level even deserve it. That is what they get you to actually believe!!!! Try to think of when you were young at a time when you felt powerful and capable - keep visualizing that and you’ll remember that you can and you’ll leave that poisoned well that you are drinking from!! I send you loving energy your way! You got this!!!
The boundary with the controlling person in my life is almost 800 miles wide. That's approximately the distance between my narcissistic mother in Maryland and myself in Tennessee. Life is more peaceful that way.
After those first 20 years of life with her and absentee narcissistic father and seeing nothing had changed after being gone for basically 30 years, I relocated back to Tennessee and have severed all contact.
The primary lesson that I took from those 5 years was that "just because a person is family doesn't always mean that the relationship is mutually beneficial."
I survived a 27 year relationship with a narcissist. I didn’t realize I was under so much stress. I didn’t know who I was or even what I liked. I didn’t start living until he was gone. I have never been happier. I am getting to know myself, finally!
So pleased for you, Jennifer!
Same here, same story!
My life is SO peaceful now! 😊
Yes, u were just surviving and now you are living...just like me right now I'm done with it 4 good 😌