I recently saw a quote that read: "If people get upset that you've set boundaries, it shows that the boundaries were necessary" I am so grateful for the mentorship and support found here!
You can spot a narcissist the FIRST time they approach your boundaries. The little by little game is one they use, and some go over it just a little. They detest boundaries, because they want their own way. Some understand lawyers real well. Boneheads.
It's time to patronise. Has anyone noticed in life, there always has to be a victim, so don't expect to be justified, find all the strength, courage an discipline you can and move on up to where the eagle flies, looking down at the storm and floating on the updraught.
I think this is so important for me to remember. There are times when I can feel so confused and bad and messy inside after having been in a narcissistic encounter. Then I come home and realize wait a minute all of that stuff, that's not really my mess to carry. 🎈Siri
During the divorce process from my ex, I learned to adopt gray rocking. It drove him mad that I didn’t bite at his bait anymore. He once called me harsh. I asked what I had done to be called harsh. He said it was because I keep on doing what I was doing when he tries to “talk to me”. More like talk AT me. Gray rocking has saved my sanity.
@@nancydoherty796 GOOD! Gray rock all the way! You deserve sanity! Don't back down from keeping yourself SAFE and SANE. I am 7 years out from my divorce from an N. Gray rock SAVED MY MIND!!
@@annewright400 hi Anne. My husband is going to be served the divorce papers this coming week! I have not spoken to him by tex sense feb 2020 or have not seen him. I asked my law if I have to see him my lawyer said yes. I'm trusting in my lord big time! This is the biggest I'm doing for myself is to get away from him and be free! I'm not going to respnd to his emails or the crazy drama. Ive never done this before. I'm growing in my faith and strength. Thank you for your encouragement! God bless you! Nancy
I was raised with 3 narcissistic older brothers who treated me with so much disrespect and physical abuse. I recognise narcissism and toxic relationships immediately. Much of what you've said is absolutely spot on. The way I deal with narcissism is I don't tolerate it and educate the person doing it. I draw a line in the sand with my boundaries set and let them know that enough is enough. If they cross the line, they’re out. I have had enough of it, with no time to waste on them and leave them to themselves. I've left my family to save myself from their evil manipulating ego traps and move forward to be the better person, kind, compassionate, helpful, giving, friendly, fun loving
Appreciate the Midweek videos Dr. C. These videos have a very calming effect. Your videos remind me that there is nothing I could, or can do, to change the way a narcissist behaves. All I can do is trust my instincts, work on my boundaries and accept that everyone is entitled to feel how they feel but I don't have to take responsibility for their actions.
Agree! Dr C is like a soothing balm. I find his tone so calming, and words reassuring, it's like a tonic for the soul. I can't thank you enough Dr C. You are making an incredible difference to the world. ❤️
It was hard, for me, to fully understand that I was in a toxic relationship until I got healthy. I think it's like trying to function at full capacity when you are undoubtedly sick. We don't see it because we are still wounded and the poison can still seep into our minds. When we heal, the poison is less effective and we eventually are able to avoid it completely. If we have loved ones telling us we are in a toxic relationship, we should have faith that they are seeing with a healthy mind and we need to see the doctor.
VIDEO IDEA: “ESCAPE PLAN 4 PEOPLE IN NEED!” A lot of people have no idea how they can get *OUT* financially, emotionally etc… what the first steps would even be..what to expect during /after , how to save money etc Ideas on how to make it happen would be great for the people needing it!
I find that narcissists often operate in packs, i.e. the narcissist and a pack of flying monkeys. So when I have stood up to a narcissist I've found myself attached and shunned by the whole group.
Exactly. Senior Citizens were worse than a pack of bullies at high schools. Control / jealousy is their main way of feeding ..pathetic. who wants to tolerate that?
The old Cinderella, wicked step family, syndrome. Disney would have you believe that a prince is going to come along and rescue you one day. In reality, all princes are entitled (literally) narcissistic psychopaths themselves. Borrowing from another cartoon character - Smokey the bear - "Only YOU can prevent narcissistic mires." YOU are the kindling, the fuel and the fire. Put that potential wildfire out and leave the forest - and never look back.
They like it when you answer back or try and stick up for yourself. It's game on. But when you're chilled and assertive, without aggression, they find that annoying. Best thing is to walk away and leave them to a ranty tanty 😊
@@jasonsneeden5934 That's what I call it! Just imagine them shouting, stamping their feet with steam coming out their ears 😳 I used to say to my kids 'Ooo that's a funny dance' 😄
When my narcissistic (now ex) husband decided it was time to get ugly, I always tried to walk away. I locked the bathroom door and it was kicked in, he was rage yelling “you have no right to be upset”. I just wanted to get away from his insanity. I was only a minute late from getting home from work…. These videos have been so much more helpful than one could ever imagine! It wasn’t me, I did nothing wrong, I no longer need vindication or validation.
I am so glad I am divorcing, couldn't stand this anymore. Exactly, nothing I could do to change his behavior for better. Not allowing you to escape from his rage was typical behavior. Tantrums in the car when he was driving etc. So glad, I understood eventually but took me a long time.
@@Maria-ip2xf You are so right! Tantrums in the bleeping car! All I could do was stare out the window and hope he didn’t swing. Unfortunately our children had to listen and watch all of this…
@@obieobrien5883 our children, now adults remember that and going through the divorce is difficult for all parties even the grown up children. It's worth it for the sake of having the rest of my life less stressful and getting my freedom back.
They all play from the same handbook. When they’re having a tantrum and you try to walk away and they follow you room to room. We don’t even have doors in the house, he says it’s because of money and we will get them soon (gaslighting) been in the house over 3 years (he gets paid very well) in reality it’s due to lack of privacy, no boundaries, no sense of self, trying to control both in mind and physically. It’s sick
Before watching - I can answer the question. Yes. You CAN be assertive - but know there will be consequences. If you know that beforehand, then, as it was in my case over the time I spent with a full-blown NPD'er, its well worth it to establish boundaries. It might not work, but its something you have to do to defend your very Soul.
I like that: *You know there will be consequences.* When dealing with our late father's probate, my sisters and I have had to take the long, long overdue step of 🪨. 🪨 is my hero. I even have a beautiful river rock that I drew a chill face on, like this:😌 with 💋 lipstick. She stays on the ledge of my tub and I get my daily reminder that 🪨 is OUR permanent solution. The stepmother and half-sis are off the charts, NPDs. They created hellish holidays when our father was alive. They have been completely uncooperative during the division of our father's assets, causing our admin to almost *snap*. She and other sibs have finally learned about 🪨. I've heard the brothers in law say their lack of narcissistic supply is leading to desperation, circling the wagons with old enablers, flying 🐒 🐒 🐒 s and poor Co-Ds who haven't yet had there fill. Bless the grey 🪨. Bless these recycled targets and bless @Dr. Les Carter!
@@howlingwaters2741 Hang in there Howling Waters - KNOWING is halfway to winning. Sadly, most poor souls don't realize what we do - we are empathy with wisdom. Most people are either subject to being the fuel or are used as part of the duel - those flying monkeys. What has preserved my sanity in all of this what I like to refer to as a Spiritual lesson called "life with a narcissist" is knowing what I am up against, and that's half the battle. You can never win with them, but you can establish some sort of boundaries, not the sort that the narc won't cross, but those that you define and defend as if your sanity depends upon it. Remember - YOU aren't crazy, THEY are. 😎👍
As it is said, misery loves company! Me being myself and refusing to be miserable with the covert, malignant, sociopathic narcissist is also a form of being assertive and standing up for myself. In fact, me just being me is assertive and offensive to him, but I am not going to bow down to his games any more.
Thank you Dr C for explaining the humiliation side of a narcissist,it reminded me of a friend that endured this 😪,please continue educating us about these people, you are literally saving lives,knowledge is power💪#team healthy #.
Separation is the only choice to truly be able to recover. You have to be away from them to gain your clarity back. Trust me I know. This is the only thing that works.
So true. I’ve been away from the Narcissist for two months now and daily I feel better and better. It was so hard standing up to him but I did it! A new life is beginning! I appreciate your hard won wisdom! -Rebecca 💗🙏🏼💗
I found out my narc husband had lied by omission about something and when I had let him know I knew about it, he couldn't even make eye contact w me and then showed passive aggressive anger. And changed the subject, avoiding to talk about it. But IF he ever thinks I am withholding anything from him he Comes at Me Full Force in Rage!!!! They try to Control w this Sickening behavior... It can get so tiresome!!I Wished I paid closer attention to when my narc husband said Back when we were dating, That he Doesn't like Independant women!!! WOW That slipped over my head bk then... 😵💫
I pray you can get away from him. I know what you mean, they always give signs early on. I intend to pay closer attention and to let people prove their character before I go trusting them! Oh, and they always have a double standard and are hypocritical. Best of luck to you!! -Rebecca
that's what my ex narcissist husband did during the divorce. It was a horrible thing to go through. His attorney would write these horrible letters about me. All hearsay. I am sure he bashed me to our 3 sons also. The divorce was too expensive and drawn out. it is really hard for me to trust men these days. I am single and like it. I have always dealt with men hitting on me, sexual harassment at work ect. My faith has gotten me through this. I do trust God and not man.
A "...low level of empathy is an understatement!" This message really resonates. Trying to communicate or be on the same page is not possible with a narcissist. Thank you. 🙏
I noticed that the aggressive, mean-spirited narcissists actually wear their anger like a suit of armor. Probably to protect the disowned, snail-meat that lives on the inside of them. Their pride keeps them stuck. They'd rather feel "superior" than heal. If they'd only ever listen, but their need to "win" keeps them deaf to any helpful feedback. So frustrating...
I’m done with my narc mother. She sided with my narc abuser. They can ride off into the sunset for all I care. I’m relieved to have them both out of my life! Now I am focusing on my healing and my life’s work. What I’ve learned will hopefully be able to help others not have such a long path! 😂 -Rebecca
From my own experience you cannot be assertive with narcissist... Every act if assertiveness you will portray they will interpret it as a sign of disrespect and be sure they will come back at you with full blown force
The response to us living and operating in our own best interests is offensive because we are supposed to comply, period. The rigidity of the N's little worldview cannot make room for alternate points of view. That's why I am single, among other reasons.
This is a good one Dr C💗 so this is what I’ve come to identify in my walk. The Narcissist NEEDS your help, but DOESN’T WANT your help. This confliction injures their PRIDE. So they have to punish you essentially for helping them. Most of the time it’s passives aggressiveness, that’s hard to discern without the help of a higher power, mine is The Ruach HaQodesh ( Holy Spirit). Ask for it, God gives freely. When you help them out, even though they know they need it, they think your “showing them up” but it’s the lies they believe to keep themselves feeling better then you while, they are really really broken inside. Just keep praying! Shalom 🕊
I have always been an independent person and believe God bless the child that has his own and you Dr. Carter have helped me so much to be a survivor and I have always had my own.
"Does the narcissist think I'm assertive enough?" I've known a couple of people with narcissistic patterns who have expressed scorn toward me when I don't defend myself... called me "weak." Of course, they escalated when I was assertive. So I think sometimes they get satisfaction if someone holds a boundary when they're itching for a fight.
They provoke, wanting a response. If you give them a response, they 'won' because they controlled you in to a response. If you don't respond, they also 'won' because they have proven that you are weaker than them and they are 'king'. In short, they are delusional, and will alter reality to suit themselves.
My narcissistic husband calls me a contentious woman when I speak up and he will tell me that I am not submitting to him and do you know who is the head of the household? All Biblical twisted scripture by him😬
Being heared feels completely different than controll, invalidation, punishment, ridiculisation, ignoration, distrust, false empathy, powerplay, winning not listening. Being heared feels like freedom in my mind. Like being in a 'two way system'. Like peace in my body. 🎈🎶⛲️
I've stayed calm, not even showing a change in facial reaction and distance. Seems to work...for me. But they still get upset 🤷🤷. They are always upset. No reason to get pulled into that!
Took 6 months for me to just be stable. Being on my own has been amazing. I just had to walk away. Their is no reasoning with a narcissist. Sorry I cant believe how much I totally lost myself. It's good to be back
@@monicahocking1507 It is mind boggling to me how messed up I was. After a couple of hours in my apartment It was so quiet. I fell to the floor and balled my eyes out. These tears were for my freedom finally. This man was coming at my 24/7. Even when he was at work. Texting and calling me all day!! People ask why would you put up with that? My response is always, I thought it was normal. The sadest part is this fully involved mom, being I did everything, got sick with fibromyalgia from the abuse. For the next 5 years till January I was treated with anger and spitefulness and resentment. I leave the dishes in the sink, let my laundry build up and clean etc when I want. FREEDOM is PRICELESS . THE ONLY WAY TO RECOVER IS TO LEAVE AND GO NO CONTACT. All my love to anyone still suffering. You will eventually find your way💓💗💞
Thank you Dr. C. from Centreville, Virginia. It amazes me how every week it feels like you are discussing me with the many narcissists in my life. I am so thankful I found you and God bless you!
I was raised by one, who had had a stroke that made me his caregiver by the age of 18. Two and a half years ago he exploded and really hurt me (he's hurt me before but never like this), I didn't press charges I just had him removed from my home to be convinced and guilted a year later he needs my help and let him come back. He recently threatened me and my husband was the one who said I won't allow this anymore. He was removed from my home. This was mid May. I haven't spoken to him since. I feel relief from stress but not from the pain. I only learned one lesson and that was how not to be. By the way im 33 now.
Dr. C, can you please discuss “grey rocking?” I think that’s what it’s called. My father has “disowned” me and my brother. The first time we were both 12-13 years old. As we tried to rekindle our relationship but then he disowned us again for not going to college, but we both turned out to have a pretty successful life. Me and my brother try to reach out to him but he just won’t even respond. He very much has NPD, as my mother has always agreed that he does as well. I don’t understand why narcissists do this, especially to their own children. TIA.
😢 🪨 them. Turn the tables. Dispose as you have been disposed. @Dr. Les Carter??? Has anyone ever discussed that grey 🪨 parents can, in fact be a form of honoring them? My thoughts are, yes. It can spare them countless episodes of public humiliation and loss of dignity.
A Narcissist always has to TOP YOU. If you are upset and want to talk about it..They have to Top it and be angry..Nothing they did is wrong it is you...If only you did ____&_____ then there will be no problem..Many will act like they want to be better but over time they won't even do that anymore because they are so above you so how DARE YOU even suggest they did something.. I know, I lived it for more then 2 life times
Trust yourself Trust yourself to know the way that will prove true in the end Trust yourself Trust yourself to find the path where there is no if and when Don't trust me to show you the truth When the truth may be only ashes and dust If you need somebody you can trust, trust yourself. Bob Dylan - ‘Trust Yourself’
I loved this one today specially for all the recognition of abuse, the forms of assertive responsive to a narcissist, how to back off for a healthy life and especially for getting back or preserving a good relationship with ourselves, away from those emotional vampires...Thank you Dr Carter...Greetings from Paris today, sending you, Gus and your team best sunny vibes from France💖
So many great nuggets shared here Dr. C. Thank you, for these excellent Q&A sessions. We must identify and… Disengage! Disengage! Disengage with these cruel manipulators and controllers. Be assertive. Trust your heart and “Believe in yourself. You don’t have to apologize.” Assertiveness. Amen. 🙏🏽
I am praying you see my comment. I, perhaps having middle child syndrome, seem to be surrounded by narcissists. I know they prey on people like me...I hate conflict. I am humble and kind; I would never hurt anyone on purpose. I am over 60 years old, and have just now cut one of the main control freaks out of my life. It breaks my heart because it is my older sister. My daughter is more like my sister than like me. I am spiraling down instead of enjoying my own life. I am actually afraid of my own daughter and my "best" friend. I taught high school for 25 years and never felt intimidated. Why am I such a coward? I have been abused and have been diagnosed with trauma(not PTSD), but trauma. I feel like I am walking on egg shells all the time. My only joy is my little grandson. He has trauma also. I need advice! God bless you! You are an angel to those of us who are lost! ❤️🙏✌️
How do we heal after the abuse goes on for so long it's changed the way our brains perceive information. The want ,need and desire for restructuring my brain is here however I lack the actual skills to move forward. It's like I'm free from my chain but still paralyzed. Please send advice.
My Dad n brother..were overt Narcs. Most..mainly men....in my life were too. Around 30 years later...they got much more covert. Underhanded in manipulating, stealing, abusing, fraudulant finances, jealousies, dangerous positioning. I did rise above it all - even allowing for a few 'dips' - BUT THE PRESENT ONES .....haaardly get away with much with me now. 😉😊😆😅
“There is simply no winning with a narcissist. He will treat you so horribly that you will become withdrawn and depressed and then he will turn around and say, ‘You’re no fun anymore, you’re always so depressed. I need to be with someone more positive.’” - Susan Williams
Being around narcissistic people have MADE me become very assertive. I was NEVER the assertive type, but once you learn about them you can read them like a book and you definitely become assertive.
So true, “how” I respond to the narc is very empowering, or not. When I “respond” in a healthy manner vs “react” makes a huge difference in how I feel about me. I love walking away from the narc with a smile on my face and in my heart, knowing I didn’t play along with them. Very empowering 😇🙌🏻
Would it be accurate to say that one way to tell the difference between going grey rock and being a passive-aggressive, punishing narcissist is that the person who has gone grey rock has first tried to address issues with honest, assertive, empathetic communication, which ended up proving futile; while the narcissist has never tried such communication?
To the narcissist they have to compete against "everyone"? Even a spouse? As I look back I see examples where it felt like he was competing against me. I thought a spouse, (wife/husband) were/are a team??? I've always thought a husband & wife are a united team, when I look back at my relationship it felt like he was competing, against me.
Yes they never do I'm dealing with an overt narcissist daughter who has a drug addiction I had custody of my grandson from birth to seven. His father showed up took me to court after 2 years 60 Grand I lost he then threw my daughter out and I haven't been allowed to see him. Everybody says leave it alone you'll come find you when he's big but this pain doesn't go away as you know. My daughter after I helped her get visits let me speak to him and my problem here is is not only see a narcissist but he's a covert malignant.. I taking him to court 2 times has the final judgement to try to get some visitation. But Florida has no absolutely no grandparents rights and he's betrayed me as a crazy old lady I am 55 years old and I have not seen my grandson at 2 years and 4 months the father's new girlfriend's not came over here from the age of 8 210 years old. But I told the father thinking he would never do this to my grandson remove me again but he did. I block my daughter and then I gave an Unblocker cuz I want to know what my grandson had to say she only has telephone visit video visits at this point. I'm so scared my grand boys going to forget his nana. I've been a hermit of it for 6 years. I wish I could find some resources for help because I just can't seem to go ahead. But God bless you
@@paulettelamontagne7153 he won't forget you. He will find you as soon as he is able. He will learn the truth. They alwsys do. I know this is heartbreaking like a death but worse. Try to stay strong and healthy for when you meet again. I pray you find some peace.
@@angelawade1445 thank you so very much. I pray everyday that you're right. And it is worse than a death because he's a 10 minute drive for me but I'm afraid if I go over there or to his school the father will get a no contact. And then if I see him out in public I won't be allowed to approach him. But this is worse than a death. At least I know the peace. But God bless you for your words of encouragement I really needed them today
My Narc just gave me the silent treatment. I was assertive without blaming, I said I had boundaries and there was things that I wasn't willing to sacrifice. He discarded me. Then he came back. Then I broke up with him. All in 3 day's time.
Tried being assertive with a work narcissist and it brought on a heap of bullying behaviour. I documented the bullying and it seems to have defused that behaviour. If it happens again, I will document again. She will not prevail.
I'm married to a narcissist, but I have 3 children and will likely lose custody if I file for divorce because I'm the man. We're going to therapy but she is accusing the therapist and me of attacking her because she is being asked to work on things. I stick around because I don't want to lose my children, but my life is miserable.
Thank you for this Dr. Carter. I have been having trouble with a bully at work and today was just awful. She tries to humiliate me in front of other staff, criticizes everything I do, and I've even had other staff come to me and apologize on her behalf because they heard how awful she treated me. I've often wondered what response to her would be best. I tend to ignore her, but others hear and I fear they will not respect me. She is well known as a b***ch but everyone says' that's just how she is' as if that makes it ok.
I lost my temper today-we had a nice 2 days at the Hilton at the beach -he stayed drunk ,sarcastic, arrogant to the employees there-no respect- he stayed drunk all day & nite - no food - no rest - I stood up - he laughed - & cussed me-Im sick of talking - he has black eyes-now Im scared & madder than ever - hes a dim bulb & I was an idiot to think there was any hope for the future- Im sick & tired of being sick & tired -even with the injuries Ive endured- 🙏 pray for me plz ✝️-hes not normal
They are very passive aggressive, at least that has been my experience and they will make you pay for making them angry or not doing something they want you to do. Talking with one is like talking with a brick brain person. I hate asking a question and they answer by asking a question back. I would never see him laugh and talk except with other people but we can be in the same room all day and all one hears is the TV. No laughing and talking with each other. This person shows no emotion what so ever and they will certainly talk about you to others as bad as they can. Any ear that will listen, they will talk about you very badly but being passive aggressive it will never be in front of you. This is a very good video and you really know what a narcissist is for sure and the different kinds. Thank you so much as always Dr. Carter. My sister thinks I make too much of it but then she is a narcissist too.
After a recent episode of self disclosure (on my part, of course) the narcissist told me I have not to be aggressive, because my nature is not aggressive, but tender ... yep, a tender scapegoath, a tender flying monkey, or a passive aggressive codependent. According to the N, I can be everything, but not sane. When the loved being goes too far in betraying himself and perseveres in deceiving himself, love no longer follows him (Lacan) Thank you Dr C and Team healthy
????????????The 75 year old narc at the church I used to attend: It was expected that women in the church greet each other with a hug. I told her, privately that I didn't want her to touch me. THEN in front of the pastor's wife she asks me what WE can do to fix this. She squints up her eyes, completely shut every time we are in the same room. So the pastor who is also a narc sided with her along with other whom he controls. What's up with squinty eyes? She claimed to be deaf so how could she read our lips? What a fraud.
MINUTE 21: "They are hoping their anger will" INTIMIDATE you. They do not do persuasion, they do intimidation. All they care about is getting the desired result. They are not concerned with how you feel about what they're compelling.
To my narc sister i repeated each time she responded, "thats your opinion and youre entitked to it." Then with the comeback after that i simply repeated the statement. In the end all she had left was to agree or disagree with herself.
If someone lives with a narcissist, do they start behaving like one? I’m worried about a family member that lives with one. Do you think they will eventually figure it out even if they don’t know anything about narcissists?
My father is a narcissist. They’ve been married for 44 years. When I was younger and in my twenties, my mother would defend my sister and I from him. Over time, she became defensive of him. And now, she has also become narcissistic. It has been interesting to watch. He isolated her more and more until he was all she had left. Kind of like Stockholm Syndrome, I think. Now, she’s fully on his side and behaves just like him.
I'm seeing some great comments for this video. Setting boundaries is part of what I do to be better every day. The most important boundary is to know that there is nothing I can do to change another person. I'm on a journey of health and self improvement. If you care to take that journey with me you are very welcome. But if you do not, I wish you peace and joy in the way that you have chosen. Narcs are generally insecure people. I do not blame them for the way they are. But, at some point, we all have to take responsibility for our own development. Doing anything else is as useful as spitting into the wind.
I said to my 38 year old daughter, if you can't treat me with respect we can't have a relationship and don't overstep that boundary. Her answer was,how sad you have to have boundaries with your children. I think her answer would be described as passive aggressive . I'm only learning this lately .
I cannot thank you enough, Dr Les, for steering me through a terrible discarding fase after 30 years of marriage to a narcissist..I found out way to late what he is, and paid the price through these 30 years. I couldn't afford a therapist, but your sessions and videos guided me through it all the past year. I still stuggle with really believing that he never loved me, through all the cheating, and some part of me still believes he'll come back, like the previous times. EVEN THOUGH I DO NOT WANT HIM BACK EVER. EVER. How do I get to that point emotionally?? I do take all the advice you've given, to heart, and try to practice it as much as possible😡
My narcissist used to deflect from acknowledging any mistakes or lack of insight by telling me how well I'd put forward my opinion or idea; and say things like "you'd make a good barrister" (sbe was a qualfied barrister). She was a master gaslighter and then some.
Gray rock. Wow. I've been doing this for 35 years. I thought I was being mean to him... but YES!! IM JUST TRYING TO SURVIVE THIS SAME OLD SAME OLD MADNESS..
Love your allusion to Charlie Brown... It's is if Peanuts prefers to live in his own head... The Red Baron etc.. No matter what Lucy is doing... It's as if... Gus has the same attitude When you speak of the toxic Lucy types (Lucy was just teasing Charlie Brown) Gus goes into Peanuts' mode of life 'Jeeze I have a great loving owner... But I am glad I am a doggie... And thanks to Dr. C.... I don't have to deal with that BS'
I just wanna say you are awesome. I have a history of bumping into narcissists and am trying to learn how to detect and handle it as much as how to recover. And you have been a great help. Thank you sir…
In the end my ex,diagnosed npd,said I gave consent.I was puzzled because he just said no to me whenever I spoke. Somehow I feel tricked with everything.He turned out to be somebody different.But I had been controlled etc extremely.
i think i'm exactly like them but opposite, or i'm going nuts too i spent at home few days researching this... the moment i feel just announcement of bad person in front of me, i close my being. and play...in fact, its not play...just talking with empty box i can't believe what ppl suffer (for decades) with these persons devorced? i would annuled marriage bcs of false introduction (acting of different person) what? ex-nrc will tell something ugly abt me? go ahead, yes😄👏🤝my hero my proud man🏆as we all expected do not miss important, i'll help you i'll bring🎻 i've just looking how to upgrade my home, my dogs have their birthday this month, must go on seaside its too hot 🤗🥰❤and how abt you, my ex-ncs?
My Narcissist was assertive in the beginning of our marriage .His way or the highway....that got old fast.....and I fired by.....he coward immediately. And backed off....left the house for a few hours. Figured out later....just as the alcoholic starts fights to get out of the house to do something shady. This was true for the NARC. The jig was up and he got caught by me. The Bigger they are the Harder they Fall!!!! TIMBER!!!!!!
I would be very careful in advising setting healthy boundaries with a narcissist. I know a woman who started doing that and it appeared to be working-until it didn’t and he assaulted her. She didn’t do it in a confrontational way either. Just calm self respect. You really can’t make them respect your boundaries because they have no concept of that nor of your rights and value as an individual. I’m glad to see she’s pressing charges and getting counseling! Thanks for your information. This community is great.
You mean that THAT LADY doesn't have to go back in solve that problem...I knew what you meant..i hope she did.. Narcs anger theirs to own but she needs to be mindful of her physical safety..I hope she sees this and I hope she * * * *pays attention to what diminishes her* *this saved me..and DRC plus Gus xx. .
Can such compulsive, limbic behaviour, be conscious? Apologies coming out of his eyeballs and NO lasting change in behaviour. Lots of SELF-pity parties, too, if I got so upset I stopped pleading and coaxing and persuading and was pushed to threaten divorce. Abject. Lapses as soon as ten seconds later...sometimes ten months, sometimes ten years [as far as I know, but I can't tell when he's lying, sooo] But I don't think he played me consciously. The pattern, now I know what to look for, is clear as day, but I had no idea what I was dealing with and he was so sneaky...only grandiose when he was really riding high on being on the front page of a magazine or elected king of the work world, or bedding a colleague. He didn't much care if I had convictions. He just went ahead and ignored them, behind my back and sometimes, when he forgot, to my face. I could see how that might look quite a bit like greyrocking. There was a lot of neglecting, ghosting, and gaslighting, with a sprinkle of breadcrumbing. He also set me up, sabotaged me, withholding something, watching me get upset, then swooping down like the white knight to offer to fix the problem which he had manufactured in the first place. Loads of supply from my gratitude. Yes, it was to punish me, but in spite of all of the above I still don't think he is introspective enough to act consciously and deliberately. At the end I actually was pushing him to get tested for dementia [b/c of the word salads and failed gaslighting attempts]. But people with dementia don't hold down six figure jobs. I wonder what his brain might look like if scanned...
You really have to be. I'm generally a timid person and totally aghast at the idea of harming a family member, but my brother went way too far, and it was only my threat of making him pick up his teeth and seeing that I meant it, he scurried away and I've not seen him since. This was 35+ years of torture. He was my big brother, and he abused that status every chance he had. I speak of him like he's dead because he IS dead to me.
Hi Dr C, I’ve been a listening for a few years now and I really appreciate your work. I have an upcoming situation I’m not looking forward to, even though it should be a celebration. My brother is marrying his long time partner next month and the whole family is so happy for them. The wedding has been put off for two years for pandemic reasons, and during that time, they had their first child. The main reason I’m not looking forward to the wedding is that my covert narcissist father will be there. I have not spoken to him for 3 years after breaking contact with him when my limited contact starting negatively impacting the relationships I have with my siblings. He would spit his backhanded comments about me (and my boundaries) to them when I was not in attendance, which caused them stress and frustration. So my dad, his second wife of 12 or so years, my step siblings and my grandfather will all be at the wedding. I have spoken to none of them since I shut down the relationship with my dad. I’m not sure where they stand, and I’m not too worried about any potential interactions with them, but I am wary. Last time I saw my step mother, the kind, gentle, church going, retired elementary school principal, was yelling obscenities and slamming doors, fully playing the role of the “flying monkey”. I would not be surprised if my dad straight out lied to all of them about why I’m no longer around, and so I am really not sure what to expect of any of them. I am mostly worried about encountering my dad, which will be very likely as all guests are staying at an inn together for the weekend. I’m worried he will make a back handed comment that gets under my skin and ruins my weekend. I’m also equally worried that he becomes venomous and yells lies at me/about me in front of others. I know both of these and likely any negative behavior he enacts will reflect poorly on him, but I would be much happier being able to focus on enjoying the celebration with my siblings and not cautiously guarding myself for a surprise narcissistic attack. Any advice would be appreciated! Thanks so much!
🎀🎀🎀😃😎😃❤️❤️❤️thank you,,,so very much...you have so reassured me,,thru my horrible narc,,who is onsite apt manager,,head of maintenance,,the yard guy,,and thinks he is king of his apt palace,,and we are the little pee pee ons,,his prisoners...he does not own apts,,thank God,,at this time,,there is his boss,,but give this monster a chance to succeed,,but he's never around since covid,,,thank GOD I HAVE HIS BOSSES AIL...NAD PROPL IS,,,THIS NARK REALLY A DR JECKEL,,AND MR HYDE...HE REMINDS me of a deablo....
Ypu can be passive aggressive and not be a Narcissist...I am when I have the bad ppl through out my life coming at me..I do have PTSD from childhood and that is my defense or ground testing..I don't want a big fight with the person but I want them to know I am hip to them. A normal person will see that they must of hurt me and if they notice my passiveagressive they ask me what the H was that and we talk...A bad person will keep coming at you. That is what I have learned. I am not passiveagressive with my real friends..That is the difference a Narcissist is with anyone and say oh it's just a joke..I actually feel bad if I do it because my PTSD read what someone said to me wrong. I feel bad, I apologize to them. A Narcissist will never say sorry
Why is it that you can complain and beg for dialogue, but it’s always met with deaf ears? I never got any dialog about change. He just ignored it, or changed the subject. I’ve never felt so alone in a relationship. He couldn’t/wouldn’t communicate with me. His sister told me he was a narcissist and had a history of hurting women. She shared how it felt growing up as a younger sibling with his needs always trumping hers. She emphasized how her parents continue to enable him throughout adulthood especially financially. I called him out and he denied it all, but he also severed ties with his sister, so I’m sure there’s some truth to it, but his sister had so much animosity towards him. The level of passive aggression was really disturbing and they could’ve/should’ve just worked it out. Here I go🙄 it’s an unhealthy dynamic. He was passive aggressive and the empathy they display is never authentic because they don’t back their words with actions. It’s all talk and not that well thought out in my opinion. The narcissist doesn’t think like a normal person and that’s the problem. We keep expecting they will become normal, but that’s fantasy on our part! It’s toxic and unhealthy! Thank you for pointing out how they are not thinking like a normal person. It just reminded me of him telling me,”You don’t understand me!” How do you understand someone who won’t open up and avoids emotional intimacy?
Just recently my suspected narc said “you’re amazing” and I smiled and said “I know” and he pushed me back on the couch. Nothing like already knowing the love bombing is going to happen. And instead claiming your own self love.
I recently saw a quote that read:
"If people get upset that you've set boundaries, it shows that the boundaries were necessary"
I am so grateful for the mentorship and support found here!
Great quote! I am learning not only are boundaries necessary, “standards” and boundaries go hand in hand.
Well stated!
You can spot a narcissist the FIRST time they approach your boundaries. The little by little game is one they use, and some go over it just a little. They detest boundaries, because they want their own way. Some understand lawyers real well. Boneheads.
I love that.
haha - this is great (and true!)
The narcissists in my life have never wanted to change because they feel there's nothing wrong with them and the problem is mine.
They are terrified of losing their masks. All they have is their ruse.
Amen just spitting in the wind over here
Heard that for sure!
@@skymeadow7762 I like that!!! Like Spitting in The Wind:). Agreed:)
It's time to patronise. Has anyone noticed in life, there always has to be a victim, so don't expect to be justified, find all the strength, courage an discipline you can and move on up to where the eagle flies, looking down at the storm and floating on the updraught.
"My response isn't the reason you struggle with anger." That is some good stuff right there!!
I think this is so important for me to remember. There are times when I can feel so confused and bad and messy inside after having been in a narcissistic encounter. Then I come home and realize wait a minute all of that stuff, that's not really my mess to carry.
🎈Siri
Best channel ever! Thank you so much Dr. C. The suffering the narcissist inflicts is heartbreaking.
You're very welcome.
It changes who you are 😕
During the divorce process from my ex, I learned to adopt gray rocking. It drove him mad that I didn’t bite at his bait anymore. He once called me harsh. I asked what I had done to be called harsh. He said it was because I keep on doing what I was doing when he tries to “talk to me”. More like talk AT me. Gray rocking has saved my sanity.
I’m going through a divorce now!
I’m nervous 😬 like you I’m going gray rock! My lawyer is talking for me!
@@nancydoherty796 GOOD! Gray rock all the way! You deserve sanity! Don't back down from keeping yourself SAFE and SANE. I am 7 years out from my divorce from an N. Gray rock SAVED MY MIND!!
@@annewright400 hi Anne. My husband is going to be served the divorce papers this coming week! I have not spoken to him by tex sense feb 2020 or have not seen him. I asked my law if I have to see him my lawyer said yes. I'm trusting in my lord big time! This is the biggest I'm doing for myself is to get away from him and be free! I'm not going to respnd to his emails or the crazy drama. Ive never done this before. I'm growing in my faith and strength. Thank you for your encouragement! God bless you! Nancy
@@nancydoherty796 I
I was raised with 3 narcissistic older brothers who treated me with so much disrespect and physical abuse. I recognise narcissism and toxic relationships immediately. Much of what you've said is absolutely spot on.
The way I deal with narcissism is I don't tolerate it and educate the person doing it. I draw a line in the sand with my boundaries set and let them know that enough is enough. If they cross the line, they’re out. I have had enough of it, with no time to waste on them and leave them to themselves.
I've left my family to save myself from their evil manipulating ego traps and move forward to be the better person, kind, compassionate, helpful, giving, friendly, fun loving
Hmmm...blESS YA, HUN ¡¿¡♡♡
Thanks for sharing that.
I have come to call it the...
' FAMILY GYM ' ¡¿¡¿ 😀😄😄😅🤣🥰🤣
definition works sometimes... getting away without informing them that you are onto them is a safer way. just get away.
Kudos to you, Mertos!
@@harima36 Yes it's been ten years now since leaving the family for more than 30 years of verbal/physical abuse.
@@yobrojoost9497 Thank you, best to you too!
Appreciate the Midweek videos Dr. C. These videos have a very calming effect. Your videos remind me that there is nothing I could, or can do, to change the way a narcissist behaves. All I can do is trust my instincts, work on my boundaries and accept that everyone is entitled to feel how they feel but I don't have to take responsibility for their actions.
Agree! Dr C is like a soothing balm. I find his tone so calming, and words reassuring, it's like a tonic for the soul. I can't thank you enough Dr C. You are making an incredible difference to the world. ❤️
Yes, I find the videos calming too. I grew up with narcissistic family dynamics so I need all this 'clean' data to re-program my brain :)
beautiful assessment
Why did the narcissist cross the road???
Because he thought it was a boundary!!🤣🤣😁🙏
Oh my goodness I I've not heard that one before - it's BRILLIANT!! 🤣
Lol.
I have said this before....
I don't walk away to teach you a lesson, I walked away because I finally learned mine.
It was hard, for me, to fully understand that I was in a toxic relationship until I got healthy. I think it's like trying to function at full capacity when you are undoubtedly sick. We don't see it because we are still wounded and the poison can still seep into our minds. When we heal, the poison is less effective and we eventually are able to avoid it completely.
If we have loved ones telling us we are in a toxic relationship, we should have faith that they are seeing with a healthy mind and we need to see the doctor.
Yes that's beautiful 🤩 that's real Healing
VIDEO IDEA:
“ESCAPE PLAN 4 PEOPLE IN NEED!”
A lot of people have no idea how they can get *OUT* financially, emotionally etc… what the first steps would even be..what to expect during /after , how to save money etc
Ideas on how to make it happen would be great for the people needing it!
I find that narcissists often operate in packs, i.e. the narcissist and a pack of flying monkeys. So when I have stood up to a narcissist I've found myself attached and shunned by the whole group.
Definitely 💯🔨🎯
Exactly. Senior Citizens were worse than a pack of bullies at high schools. Control / jealousy is their main way of feeding ..pathetic. who wants to tolerate that?
The old Cinderella, wicked step family, syndrome. Disney would have you believe that a prince is going to come along and rescue you one day. In reality, all princes are entitled (literally) narcissistic psychopaths themselves. Borrowing from another cartoon character - Smokey the bear - "Only YOU can prevent narcissistic mires." YOU are the kindling, the fuel and the fire. Put that potential wildfire out and leave the forest - and never look back.
So true
Good for you!
They like it when you answer back or try and stick up for yourself. It's game on. But when you're chilled and assertive, without aggression, they find that annoying. Best thing is to walk away and leave them to a ranty tanty 😊
I know you're right.
A ranty tanty? Hahah. Love it.
@@jasonsneeden5934 That's what I call it! Just imagine them shouting, stamping their feet with steam coming out their ears 😳 I used to say to my kids 'Ooo that's a funny dance' 😄
My comeback is often If you stab me please dont blame me if I bleed. Usually met with a huff.
@@faithrawlinson955 well said ❣ If I got shouted at I would get upset and then be blamed for being too sensitive 🥺
When my narcissistic (now ex) husband decided it was time to get ugly, I always tried to walk away. I locked the bathroom door and it was kicked in, he was rage yelling “you have no right to be upset”. I just wanted to get away from his insanity. I was only a minute late from getting home from work…. These videos have been so much more helpful than one could ever imagine! It wasn’t me, I did nothing wrong, I no longer need vindication or validation.
I am so glad I am divorcing, couldn't stand this anymore. Exactly, nothing I could do to change his behavior for better. Not allowing you to escape from his rage was typical behavior. Tantrums in the car when he was driving etc. So glad, I understood eventually but took me a long time.
@@Maria-ip2xf You are so right! Tantrums in the bleeping car! All I could do was stare out the window and hope he didn’t swing. Unfortunately our children had to listen and watch all of this…
You said it perfectly, that need for validation is so strong, for me that’s one of the hardest lessons to learn. Thank you
@@obieobrien5883 our children, now adults remember that and going through the divorce is difficult for all parties even the grown up children. It's worth it for the sake of having the rest of my life less stressful and getting my freedom back.
They all play from the same handbook. When they’re having a tantrum and you try to walk away and they follow you room to room. We don’t even have doors in the house, he says it’s because of money and we will get them soon (gaslighting) been in the house over 3 years (he gets paid very well) in reality it’s due to lack of privacy, no boundaries, no sense of self, trying to control both in mind and physically. It’s sick
Before watching - I can answer the question. Yes. You CAN be assertive - but know there will be consequences. If you know that beforehand, then, as it was in my case over the time I spent with a full-blown NPD'er, its well worth it to establish boundaries. It might not work, but its something you have to do to defend your very Soul.
No one told me that there would be consequences for me having strong boundaries...I lost so much during that time. It's heartbreaking.😣
Amen, say it louder for those in the back!! 👏👏
I like that: *You know there will be consequences.*
When dealing with our late father's probate, my sisters and I have had to take the long, long overdue step of 🪨. 🪨 is my hero. I even have a beautiful river rock that I drew a chill face on, like this:😌 with 💋 lipstick. She stays on the ledge of my tub and I get my daily reminder that 🪨 is OUR permanent solution.
The stepmother and half-sis are off the charts, NPDs. They created hellish holidays when our father was alive. They have been completely uncooperative during the division of our father's assets, causing our admin to almost *snap*. She and other sibs have finally learned about 🪨. I've heard the brothers in law say their lack of narcissistic supply is leading to desperation, circling the wagons with old enablers, flying 🐒 🐒 🐒 s and poor Co-Ds who haven't yet had there fill.
Bless the grey 🪨. Bless these recycled targets and bless @Dr. Les Carter!
@@mday3821 ....Same for me - BUT ..... try to remember....WHEN we are free of them - our lives can only imPROVE - THEY are STUCK ¡¿¡♡♡
@@howlingwaters2741 Hang in there Howling Waters - KNOWING is halfway to winning. Sadly, most poor souls don't realize what we do - we are empathy with wisdom. Most people are either subject to being the fuel or are used as part of the duel - those flying monkeys. What has preserved my sanity in all of this what I like to refer to as a Spiritual lesson called "life with a narcissist" is knowing what I am up against, and that's half the battle. You can never win with them, but you can establish some sort of boundaries, not the sort that the narc won't cross, but those that you define and defend as if your sanity depends upon it. Remember - YOU aren't crazy, THEY are. 😎👍
As it is said, misery loves company! Me being myself and refusing to be miserable with the covert, malignant, sociopathic narcissist is also a form of being assertive and standing up for myself. In fact, me just being me is assertive and offensive to him, but I am not going to bow down to his games any more.
That's what I mean..."don't mess with my childlike wonderment"
AMEN. YOU / WE DONT NEED TO EXPLAIN OURSELVES, ON OUR CHOICES, WHO WE ARE OR NEED TO JUMP THRU THE HULA HOOPS OF OTHERS.
Lynda you are spot on ! I managed the behaviour the same way, doing what I love and just being me . It’s taken me many years . 🇦🇺🇦🇺🇦🇺
@@leahjones8539 Good for you...as they say "practice makes perfect". Stay safe, Leah...🙏💕
Thank you Dr C for explaining the humiliation side of a narcissist,it reminded me of a friend that endured this 😪,please continue educating us about these people, you are literally saving lives,knowledge is power💪#team healthy #.
Separation is the only choice to truly be able to recover. You have to be away from them to gain your clarity back. Trust me I know. This is the only thing that works.
You are completely correct, Nicole. Staying costs more and more with each passing year.
You are right dear
So true. I’ve been away from the Narcissist for two months now and daily I feel better and better. It was so hard standing up to him but I did it! A new life is beginning! I appreciate your hard won wisdom! -Rebecca 💗🙏🏼💗
I found out my narc husband had lied by omission about something and when I had let him know I knew about it, he couldn't even make eye contact w me and then showed passive aggressive anger. And changed the subject, avoiding to talk about it. But IF he ever thinks I am withholding anything from him he Comes at Me Full Force in Rage!!!! They try to Control w this Sickening behavior... It can get so tiresome!!I Wished I paid closer attention to when my narc husband said Back when we were dating, That he Doesn't like Independant women!!! WOW That slipped over my head bk then... 😵💫
I pray you can get away from him. I know what you mean, they always give signs early on. I intend to pay closer attention and to let people prove their character before I go trusting them! Oh, and they always have a double standard and are hypocritical. Best of luck to you!! -Rebecca
that's what my ex narcissist husband did during the divorce. It was a horrible thing to go through. His attorney would write these horrible letters about me. All hearsay. I am sure he bashed me to our 3 sons also. The divorce was too expensive and drawn out. it is really hard for me to trust men these days. I am single and like it. I have always dealt with men hitting on me, sexual harassment at work ect. My faith has gotten me through this. I do trust God and not man.
Yeah I'm sure you were crying your eyes out when you got full custody, alimony, child support, etc.
A "...low level of empathy is an understatement!" This message really resonates. Trying to communicate or be on the same page is not possible with a narcissist. Thank you. 🙏
I noticed that the aggressive, mean-spirited narcissists actually wear their anger like a suit of armor. Probably to protect the disowned, snail-meat that lives on the inside of them. Their pride keeps them stuck. They'd rather feel "superior" than heal. If they'd only ever listen, but their need to "win" keeps them deaf to any helpful feedback. So frustrating...
Amen!!!
You’ve seen my mother? 😏
Being “assertive” with my covert narc mother always ends up with her giving me the silent treatment for a year or two.
Yeah cause they like to be in control and when they are not, they ghost you. They claim you don't love them if you don't kiss their backside
I can relate to this, that happened to me about 4 times during the past. My Narccistic Mother died in 1997.
My counselors response to my mother in law's silent treatments is "enjoy the peace" 😂😂
Man, I'd love that. 🤣
I’m done with my narc mother. She sided with my narc abuser. They can ride off into the sunset for all I care. I’m relieved to have them both out of my life! Now I am focusing on my healing and my life’s work. What I’ve learned will hopefully be able to help others not have such a long path! 😂
-Rebecca
From my own experience you cannot be assertive with narcissist... Every act if assertiveness you will portray they will interpret it as a sign of disrespect and be sure they will come back at you with full blown force
I won't allow them near me unless I have to.
The response to us living and operating in our own best interests is offensive because we are supposed to comply, period. The rigidity of the N's little worldview cannot make room for alternate points of view. That's why I am single, among other reasons.
It's like an abbreviation of the Miranda warning the police use.."anything you say or do may be used against you..."
My typical grey rock reply is " nope not today", then I walk away.
Same lol
This is a good one Dr C💗 so this is what I’ve come to identify in my walk.
The Narcissist NEEDS your help, but DOESN’T WANT your help. This confliction injures their PRIDE. So they have to punish you essentially for helping them. Most of the time it’s passives aggressiveness, that’s hard to discern without the help of a higher power, mine is The Ruach HaQodesh ( Holy Spirit). Ask for it, God gives freely. When you help them out, even though they know they need it, they think your “showing them up” but it’s the lies they believe to keep themselves feeling better then you while, they are really really broken inside. Just keep praying!
Shalom 🕊
😍🇮🇱
Thanks for detailing this dynamic. I’ve dealt with it many times. But it’s very sad that family members have to treat another as less than.
I have always been an independent person and believe God bless the child that has his own and you Dr. Carter have helped me so much to be a survivor and I have always had my own.
No , tallking to a narc is like talking to a wall
"Does the narcissist think I'm assertive enough?" I've known a couple of people with narcissistic patterns who have expressed scorn toward me when I don't defend myself... called me "weak." Of course, they escalated when I was assertive. So I think sometimes they get satisfaction if someone holds a boundary when they're itching for a fight.
They provoke, wanting a response. If you give them a response, they 'won' because they controlled you in to a response. If you don't respond, they also 'won' because they have proven that you are weaker than them and they are 'king'. In short, they are delusional, and will alter reality to suit themselves.
My narcissistic husband calls me a contentious woman when I speak up and he will tell me that I am not submitting to him and do you know who is the head of the household? All Biblical twisted scripture by him😬
Very helpful and informative session. Thank you kindly for this.
Being heared feels completely different than
controll, invalidation, punishment, ridiculisation, ignoration, distrust, false empathy, powerplay, winning not listening.
Being heared feels like freedom in my mind. Like being in a 'two way system'. Like peace in my body.
🎈🎶⛲️
Your work on narcissism is important, to me and to our world.
AGREED!!! This man has been SO beneficial to my healing process! TRUELY has the heart of God! 🙂❤🙏
I've stayed calm, not even showing a change in facial reaction and distance. Seems to work...for me. But they still get upset 🤷🤷. They are always upset. No reason to get pulled into that!
Survivor of 30 year marriage w narcissist. Thank you for helping to guide me to freedom
Took 6 months for me to just be stable. Being on my own has been amazing. I just had to walk away. Their is no reasoning with a narcissist. Sorry
I cant believe how much I totally lost myself. It's good to be back
@@nicolegolding1165 Surviver of 44 years and been on my own now for 2 years.ove the sollice peace and just doing whatever the heck you want. X
@@monicahocking1507 It is mind boggling to me how messed up I was. After a couple of hours in my apartment It was so quiet. I fell to the floor and balled my eyes out. These tears were for my freedom finally. This man was coming at my 24/7. Even when he was at work. Texting and calling me all day!! People ask why would you put up with that? My response is always, I thought it was normal. The sadest part is this fully involved mom, being I did everything, got sick with fibromyalgia from the abuse. For the next 5 years till January I was treated with anger and spitefulness and resentment. I leave the dishes in the sink, let my laundry build up and clean etc when I want. FREEDOM is PRICELESS .
THE ONLY WAY TO RECOVER IS TO LEAVE AND GO NO CONTACT.
All my love to anyone still suffering. You will eventually find your way💓💗💞
I loved this video cause you give language to my experience that helps me process & understand. Thank for taking the time to post. Cheers.
Thank you Dr. C. from Centreville, Virginia. It amazes me how every week it feels like you are discussing me with the many narcissists in my life. I am so thankful I found you and God bless you!
Thanks, Joan!
The hardest thing for me to understand is how a parent can narcissistically abuse their children. What kind of a PARENT does that to their children?
I was raised by one, who had had a stroke that made me his caregiver by the age of 18. Two and a half years ago he exploded and really hurt me (he's hurt me before but never like this), I didn't press charges I just had him removed from my home to be convinced and guilted a year later he needs my help and let him come back. He recently threatened me and my husband was the one who said I won't allow this anymore. He was removed from my home. This was mid May. I haven't spoken to him since. I feel relief from stress but not from the pain. I only learned one lesson and that was how not to be. By the way im 33 now.
Thank you. You are exactly describing everything so great. Thx again
What about when the Narcissistic person is putting in effort to change and you notice differences but there is still backsliding
Dr. C, can you please discuss “grey rocking?” I think that’s what it’s called. My father has “disowned” me and my brother. The first time we were both 12-13 years old. As we tried to rekindle our relationship but then he disowned us again for not going to college, but we both turned out to have a pretty successful life. Me and my brother try to reach out to him but he just won’t even respond. He very much has NPD, as my mother has always agreed that he does as well. I don’t understand why narcissists do this, especially to their own children. TIA.
😢 🪨 them. Turn the tables. Dispose as you have been disposed.
@Dr. Les Carter???
Has anyone ever discussed that grey 🪨 parents can, in fact be a form of honoring them? My thoughts are, yes. It can spare them countless episodes of public humiliation and loss of dignity.
You ROCK 💎🇺🇸💕🙏🏻😘💫⚖️💜💟🦋🦄🐶🩺🩺🩺🩺🩺🩺🩺🩺🩺🩺🩺💎💎💎💎💎💎💎💎💎🇺🇸🇺🇸🇺🇸🇺🇸🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻
A Narcissist always has to TOP YOU. If you are upset and want to talk about it..They have to Top it and be angry..Nothing they did is wrong it is you...If only you did ____&_____ then there will be no problem..Many will act like they want to be better but over time they won't even do that anymore because they are so above you so how DARE YOU even suggest they did something.. I know, I lived it for more then 2 life times
Trust yourself
Trust yourself to know the way that will prove true in the end
Trust yourself
Trust yourself to find the path where there is no if and when
Don't trust me to show you the truth
When the truth may be only ashes and dust
If you need somebody you can trust, trust yourself.
Bob Dylan - ‘Trust Yourself’
Love love.
I loved this one today specially for all the recognition of abuse, the forms of assertive responsive to a narcissist, how to back off for a healthy life and especially for getting back or preserving a good relationship with ourselves, away from those emotional vampires...Thank you Dr Carter...Greetings from Paris today, sending you, Gus and your team best sunny vibes from France💖
Thanks Anjolique. You're why I do these videos!
So many great nuggets shared here Dr. C. Thank you, for these excellent Q&A sessions. We must identify and… Disengage! Disengage! Disengage with these cruel manipulators and controllers. Be assertive. Trust your heart and “Believe in yourself. You don’t have to apologize.” Assertiveness. Amen. 🙏🏽
I am praying you see my comment. I, perhaps having middle child syndrome, seem to be surrounded by narcissists. I know they prey on people like me...I hate conflict. I am humble and kind; I would never hurt anyone on purpose. I am over 60 years old, and have just now cut one of the main control freaks out of my life. It breaks my heart because it is my older sister. My daughter is more like my sister than like me. I am spiraling down instead of enjoying my own life. I am actually afraid of my own daughter and my "best" friend.
I taught high school for 25 years and never felt intimidated. Why am I such a coward? I have been abused and have been diagnosed with trauma(not PTSD), but trauma. I feel like I am walking on egg shells all the time. My only joy is my little grandson. He has trauma also. I need advice! God bless you! You are an angel to those of us who are lost! ❤️🙏✌️
Dr. Carter would you please address adult children who are covert narcissist. Using grandchildren to hurt you.
Thank you for all you do!🙏🏼
How do we heal after the abuse goes on for so long it's changed the way our brains perceive information. The want ,need and desire for restructuring my brain is here however I lack the actual skills to move forward. It's like I'm free from my chain but still paralyzed. Please send advice.
I'll be here 12 central next week to see if this is talked about. Ty
I’d love to hear your take on the relationship between an Aspie Woman (or even a Highly Sensitive Person) and the narcissist
My Dad n brother..were overt
Narcs.
Most..mainly men....in my life were too.
Around 30 years later...they got much more covert.
Underhanded in manipulating, stealing, abusing, fraudulant finances, jealousies, dangerous positioning.
I did rise above it all - even allowing for a few 'dips' - BUT THE PRESENT ONES .....haaardly get away with much with me now. 😉😊😆😅
“There is simply no winning with a narcissist. He will treat you so horribly that you will become withdrawn and depressed and then he will turn around and say, ‘You’re no fun anymore, you’re always so depressed. I need to be with someone more positive.’” - Susan Williams
Being around narcissistic people have MADE me become very assertive. I was NEVER the assertive type, but once you learn about them you can read them like a book and you definitely become assertive.
I totally agree 👍. I struggle though between being assertive and being passive aggressive
So true, “how” I respond to the narc is very empowering, or not. When I “respond” in a healthy manner vs “react” makes a huge difference in how I feel about me. I love walking away from the narc with a smile on my face and in my heart, knowing I didn’t play along with them. Very empowering 😇🙌🏻
Would it be accurate to say that one way to tell the difference between going grey rock and being a passive-aggressive, punishing narcissist is that the person who has gone grey rock has first tried to address issues with honest, assertive, empathetic communication, which ended up proving futile; while the narcissist has never tried such communication?
To the narcissist they have to compete against "everyone"? Even a spouse? As I look back I see examples where it felt like he was competing against me. I thought a spouse, (wife/husband) were/are a team??? I've always thought a husband & wife are a united team, when I look back at my relationship it felt like he was competing, against me.
Please cover grandparent alienation by an adult covert narcissist (who was not abused). It results in incredible pain and loss.
Yes they never do I'm dealing with an overt narcissist daughter who has a drug addiction I had custody of my grandson from birth to seven. His father showed up took me to court after 2 years 60 Grand I lost he then threw my daughter out and I haven't been allowed to see him. Everybody says leave it alone you'll come find you when he's big but this pain doesn't go away as you know. My daughter after I helped her get visits let me speak to him and my problem here is is not only see a narcissist but he's a covert malignant.. I taking him to court 2 times has the final judgement to try to get some visitation. But Florida has no absolutely no grandparents rights and he's betrayed me as a crazy old lady I am 55 years old and I have not seen my grandson at 2 years and 4 months the father's new girlfriend's not came over here from the age of 8 210 years old. But I told the father thinking he would never do this to my grandson remove me again but he did. I block my daughter and then I gave an Unblocker cuz I want to know what my grandson had to say she only has telephone visit video visits at this point. I'm so scared my grand boys going to forget his nana. I've been a hermit of it for 6 years. I wish I could find some resources for help because I just can't seem to go ahead. But God bless you
@@paulettelamontagne7153 he won't forget you. He will find you as soon as he is able. He will learn the truth. They alwsys do. I know this is heartbreaking like a death but worse. Try to stay strong and healthy for when you meet again. I pray you find some peace.
@@angelawade1445 thank you so very much. I pray everyday that you're right. And it is worse than a death because he's a 10 minute drive for me but I'm afraid if I go over there or to his school the father will get a no contact. And then if I see him out in public I won't be allowed to approach him. But this is worse than a death. At least I know the peace. But God bless you for your words of encouragement I really needed them today
My Narc just gave me the silent treatment. I was assertive without blaming, I said I had boundaries and there was things that I wasn't willing to sacrifice. He discarded me. Then he came back. Then I broke up with him. All in 3 day's time.
Tried being assertive with a work narcissist and it brought on a heap of bullying behaviour. I documented the bullying and it seems to have defused that behaviour. If it happens again, I will document again. She will not prevail.
I'm married to a narcissist, but I have 3 children and will likely lose custody if I file for divorce because I'm the man. We're going to therapy but she is accusing the therapist and me of attacking her because she is being asked to work on things. I stick around because I don't want to lose my children, but my life is miserable.
Thank you for this Dr. Carter. I have been having trouble with a bully at work and today was just awful. She tries to humiliate me in front of other staff, criticizes everything I do, and I've even had other staff come to me and apologize on her behalf because they heard how awful she treated me. I've often wondered what response to her would be best. I tend to ignore her, but others hear and I fear they will not respect me. She is well known as a b***ch but everyone says' that's just how she is' as if that makes it ok.
I lost my temper today-we had a nice 2 days at the Hilton at the beach -he stayed drunk ,sarcastic, arrogant to the employees there-no respect- he stayed drunk all day & nite - no food - no rest - I stood up - he laughed - & cussed me-Im sick of talking - he has black eyes-now Im scared & madder than ever - hes a dim bulb & I was an idiot to think there was any hope for the future- Im sick & tired of being sick & tired -even with the injuries Ive endured- 🙏 pray for me plz ✝️-hes not normal
They are very passive aggressive, at least that has been my experience and they will make you pay for making them angry or not doing something they want you to do. Talking with one is like talking with a brick brain person. I hate asking a question and they answer by asking a question back. I would never see him laugh and talk except with other people but we can be in the same room all day and all one hears is the TV. No laughing and talking with each other. This person shows no emotion what so ever and they will certainly talk about you to others as bad as they can. Any ear that will listen, they will talk about you very badly but being passive aggressive it will never be in front of you. This is a very good video and you really know what a narcissist is for sure and the different kinds. Thank you so much as always Dr. Carter. My sister thinks I make too much of it but then she is a narcissist too.
One of the byproducts of learning about the human condition is that you grieve when others show no interest in joining you in the growth process.
Good job Dr C. ! Keep going team healthy!!!👍🏼👆🏼👊🏻
Thank you for such an empathetic and validating episode.
You're quite welcome!
Thank you for describing the difference between Vulnerable and Covert.
My ex called me opinionated when I called him out on his bullshit, refuses to communicate and tries to insult me to bully me into doing what he wants.
Classic projection
That's on him, you don't have to go into that space by defending yourself!
@@SurvivingNarcissism Can you give me advice to coparent with him. It's really draining because he only wants to speak to our son through me only.
They can argue with tree stump 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Happy to be on Team Healthy! Thank you so much for your work
#TeamHealthy
After a recent episode of self disclosure (on my part, of course) the narcissist told me I have not to be aggressive, because my nature is not aggressive, but tender ... yep, a tender scapegoath, a tender flying monkey, or a passive aggressive codependent. According to the N, I can be everything, but not sane.
When the loved being goes too far in betraying himself and perseveres in deceiving himself, love no longer follows him (Lacan)
Thank you Dr C and Team healthy
????????????The 75 year old narc at the church I used to attend: It was expected that women in the church greet each other with a hug. I told her, privately that I didn't want her to touch me. THEN in front of the pastor's wife she asks me what WE can do to fix this. She squints up her eyes, completely shut every time we are in the same room. So the pastor who is also a narc sided with her along with other whom he controls. What's up with squinty eyes? She claimed to be deaf so how could she read our lips? What a fraud.
The squinty eyes are an interesting commonality.
Run. A narcissist pastor isn't a pastor. The squinty eyes can be a communication tactic to not look intimidating to you. Headgame player.
Why would that even be an issue I mean why wouldn't you just leave the church
What about the possibility of physical abuse when you get assertive?
MINUTE 21: "They are hoping their anger will" INTIMIDATE you. They do not do persuasion, they do intimidation. All they care about is getting the desired result. They are not concerned with how you feel about what they're compelling.
Bless your blessings 🙏🙌 in telling us always wanting us to be a *Person of Peace ✌️☮️. Gratitude
She broke me into 1000 pieces.... god, please save me.
Does Emotional Incest caused a person to become a Narcissist?
To my narc sister i repeated each time she responded, "thats your opinion and youre entitked to it." Then with the comeback after that i simply repeated the statement. In the end all she had left was to agree or disagree with herself.
If someone lives with a narcissist, do they start behaving like one? I’m worried about a family member that lives with one. Do you think they will eventually figure it out even if they don’t know anything about narcissists?
My father is a narcissist. They’ve been married for 44 years. When I was younger and in my twenties, my mother would defend my sister and I from him. Over time, she became defensive of him. And now, she has also become narcissistic. It has been interesting to watch. He isolated her more and more until he was all she had left. Kind of like Stockholm Syndrome, I think. Now, she’s fully on his side and behaves just like him.
@@jojo3389 I'm so afraid that I'm seeing the same thing happen with my family member. They have changed so much.
I'm seeing some great comments for this video. Setting boundaries is part of what I do to be better every day. The most important boundary is to know that there is nothing I can do to change another person. I'm on a journey of health and self improvement. If you care to take that journey with me you are very welcome. But if you do not, I wish you peace and joy in the way that you have chosen.
Narcs are generally insecure people. I do not blame them for the way they are. But, at some point, we all have to take responsibility for our own development. Doing anything else is as useful as spitting into the wind.
I said to my 38 year old daughter, if you can't treat me with respect we can't have a relationship and don't overstep that boundary. Her answer was,how sad you have to have boundaries with your children. I think her answer would be described as passive aggressive . I'm only learning this lately .
@@monicahocking1507 How sad that her behavior made it necessary for you to spell that out for her.
I cannot thank you enough, Dr Les, for steering me through a terrible discarding fase after 30 years of marriage to a narcissist..I found out way to late what he is, and paid the price through these 30 years. I couldn't afford a therapist, but your sessions and videos guided me through it all the past year. I still stuggle with really believing that he never loved me, through all the cheating, and some part of me still believes he'll come back, like the previous times. EVEN THOUGH I DO NOT WANT HIM BACK EVER. EVER. How do I get to that point emotionally?? I do take all the advice you've given, to heart, and try to practice it as much as possible😡
My narcissist used to deflect from acknowledging any mistakes or lack of insight by telling me how well I'd put forward my opinion or idea; and say things like "you'd make a good barrister" (sbe was a qualfied barrister). She was a master gaslighter and then some.
Gray rock. Wow. I've been doing this for 35 years. I thought I was being mean to him... but YES!! IM JUST TRYING TO SURVIVE THIS SAME OLD SAME OLD MADNESS..
Damned if you do Damned if you don’t - Narcissistic Personality Problem Solving Manifesto
To what degree has my “people pleasing” nature enabled the ongoing behavior of the narcissist in my life?
Love your allusion to Charlie Brown...
It's is if Peanuts prefers to live in his own head...
The Red Baron etc..
No matter what Lucy is doing...
It's as if...
Gus has the same attitude
When you speak of the toxic Lucy types
(Lucy was just teasing Charlie Brown)
Gus goes into Peanuts' mode of life
'Jeeze I have a great loving owner...
But I am glad I am a doggie...
And thanks to Dr. C....
I don't have to deal with that BS'
I just wanna say you are awesome. I have a history of bumping into narcissists and am trying to learn how to detect and handle it as much as how to recover. And you have been a great help. Thank you sir…
Thank you...and keep learning!
They get really mad when you say no, walk away & hold your ground.
In the end my ex,diagnosed npd,said I gave consent.I was puzzled because he just said no to me whenever I spoke.
Somehow I feel tricked with everything.He turned out to be somebody different.But I had been controlled etc extremely.
i think i'm exactly like them but opposite, or i'm going nuts too
i spent at home few days researching this...
the moment i feel just announcement of bad person in front of me, i close my being.
and play...in fact, its not play...just talking with empty box
i can't believe what ppl suffer (for decades) with these persons
devorced? i would annuled marriage bcs of false introduction (acting of different person)
what?
ex-nrc will tell something ugly abt me?
go ahead, yes😄👏🤝my hero
my proud man🏆as we all expected
do not miss important, i'll help you
i'll bring🎻
i've just looking how to upgrade my home, my dogs have their birthday this month, must go on seaside its too hot 🤗🥰❤and how abt you, my ex-ncs?
My Narcissist was assertive in the beginning of our marriage .His way or the highway....that got old fast.....and I fired by.....he coward immediately. And backed off....left the house for a few hours. Figured out later....just as the alcoholic starts fights to get out of the house to do something shady. This was true for the NARC. The jig was up and he got caught by me. The Bigger they are the Harder they Fall!!!! TIMBER!!!!!!
I would be very careful in advising setting healthy boundaries with a narcissist. I know a woman who started doing that and it appeared to be working-until it didn’t and he assaulted her. She didn’t do it in a confrontational way either. Just calm self respect. You really can’t make them respect your boundaries because they have no concept of that nor of your rights and value as an individual. I’m glad to see she’s pressing charges and getting counseling! Thanks for your information. This community is great.
You mean that THAT LADY doesn't have to go back in solve that problem...I knew what you meant..i hope she did..
Narcs anger theirs to own but she needs to be mindful of her physical safety..I hope she sees this and I hope she * * * *pays attention to what diminishes her*
*this saved me..and DRC plus Gus xx. .
MINUTE 12: Yes, "they are offended by your assertiveness," yet they will not respect you until you ARE assertive.
Can such compulsive, limbic behaviour, be conscious? Apologies coming out of his eyeballs and NO lasting change in behaviour. Lots of SELF-pity parties, too, if I got so upset I stopped pleading and coaxing and persuading and was pushed to threaten divorce. Abject. Lapses as soon as ten seconds later...sometimes ten months, sometimes ten years [as far as I know, but I can't tell when he's lying, sooo] But I don't think he played me consciously. The pattern, now I know what to look for, is clear as day, but I had no idea what I was dealing with and he was so sneaky...only grandiose when he was really riding high on being on the front page of a magazine or elected king of the work world, or bedding a colleague. He didn't much care if I had convictions. He just went ahead and ignored them, behind my back and sometimes, when he forgot, to my face. I could see how that might look quite a bit like greyrocking. There was a lot of neglecting, ghosting, and gaslighting, with a sprinkle of breadcrumbing. He also set me up, sabotaged me, withholding something, watching me get upset, then swooping down like the white knight to offer to fix the problem which he had manufactured in the first place. Loads of supply from my gratitude. Yes, it was to punish me, but in spite of all of the above I still don't think he is introspective enough to act consciously and deliberately. At the end I actually was pushing him to get tested for dementia [b/c of the word salads and failed gaslighting attempts]. But people with dementia don't hold down six figure jobs. I wonder what his brain might look like if scanned...
You really have to be. I'm generally a timid person and totally aghast at the idea of harming a family member, but my brother went way too far, and it was only my threat of making him pick up his teeth and seeing that I meant it, he scurried away and I've not seen him since. This was 35+ years of torture. He was my big brother, and he abused that status every chance he had. I speak of him like he's dead because he IS dead to me.
Hi Dr C, I’ve been a listening for a few years now and I really appreciate your work.
I have an upcoming situation I’m not looking forward to, even though it should be a celebration. My brother is marrying his long time partner next month and the whole family is so happy for them. The wedding has been put off for two years for pandemic reasons, and during that time, they had their first child.
The main reason I’m not looking forward to the wedding is that my covert narcissist father will be there. I have not spoken to him for 3 years after breaking contact with him when my limited contact starting negatively impacting the relationships I have with my siblings. He would spit his backhanded comments about me (and my boundaries) to them when I was not in attendance, which caused them stress and frustration.
So my dad, his second wife of 12 or so years, my step siblings and my grandfather will all be at the wedding. I have spoken to none of them since I shut down the relationship with my dad. I’m not sure where they stand, and I’m not too worried about any potential interactions with them, but I am wary. Last time I saw my step mother, the kind, gentle, church going, retired elementary school principal, was yelling obscenities and slamming doors, fully playing the role of the “flying monkey”. I would not be surprised if my dad straight out lied to all of them about why I’m no longer around, and so I am really not sure what to expect of any of them.
I am mostly worried about encountering my dad, which will be very likely as all guests are staying at an inn together for the weekend. I’m worried he will make a back handed comment that gets under my skin and ruins my weekend. I’m also equally worried that he becomes venomous and yells lies at me/about me in front of others. I know both of these and likely any negative behavior he enacts will reflect poorly on him, but I would be much happier being able to focus on enjoying the celebration with my siblings and not cautiously guarding myself for a surprise narcissistic attack. Any advice would be appreciated! Thanks so much!
I hope this all worked out for you.
🎀🎀🎀😃😎😃❤️❤️❤️thank you,,,so very much...you have so reassured me,,thru my horrible narc,,who is onsite apt manager,,head of maintenance,,the yard guy,,and thinks he is king of his apt palace,,and we are the little pee pee ons,,his prisoners...he does not own apts,,thank God,,at this time,,there is his boss,,but give this monster a chance to succeed,,but he's never around since covid,,,thank GOD I HAVE HIS BOSSES AIL...NAD PROPL IS,,,THIS NARK REALLY A DR JECKEL,,AND MR HYDE...HE REMINDS me of a deablo....
Ypu can be passive aggressive and not be a Narcissist...I am when I have the bad ppl through out my life coming at me..I do have PTSD from childhood and that is my defense or ground testing..I don't want a big fight with the person but I want them to know I am hip to them. A normal person will see that they must of hurt me and if they notice my passiveagressive they ask me what the H was that and we talk...A bad person will keep coming at you. That is what I have learned. I am not passiveagressive with my real friends..That is the difference a Narcissist is with anyone and say oh it's just a joke..I actually feel bad if I do it because my PTSD read what someone said to me wrong. I feel bad, I apologize to them. A Narcissist will never say sorry
Why is it that you can complain and beg for dialogue, but it’s always met with deaf ears? I never got any dialog about change. He just ignored it, or changed the subject. I’ve never felt so alone in a relationship. He couldn’t/wouldn’t communicate with me. His sister told me he was a narcissist and had a history of hurting women. She shared how it felt growing up as a younger sibling with his needs always trumping hers. She emphasized how her parents continue to enable him throughout adulthood especially financially. I called him out and he denied it all, but he also severed ties with his sister, so I’m sure there’s some truth to it, but his sister had so much animosity towards him. The level of passive aggression was really disturbing and they could’ve/should’ve just worked it out. Here I go🙄 it’s an unhealthy dynamic. He was passive aggressive and the empathy they display is never authentic because they don’t back their words with actions. It’s all talk and not that well thought out in my opinion. The narcissist doesn’t think like a normal person and that’s the problem. We keep expecting they will become normal, but that’s fantasy on our part! It’s toxic and unhealthy! Thank you for pointing out how they are not thinking like a normal person. It just reminded me of him telling me,”You don’t understand me!” How do you understand someone who won’t open up and avoids emotional intimacy?
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Just recently my suspected narc said “you’re amazing” and I smiled and said “I know” and he pushed me back on the couch. Nothing like already knowing the love bombing is going to happen. And instead claiming your own self love.