interacting with a brick wall leads you to hitting your head against the wall, then you realize it hurt you and it had no effect on the wall. Ouch. It's a journey only those of us that hit our head on a wall will understand. Bless you all who are hurting. 🙏
"Like having a dairy cow" Your metaphors are southern gems. Priceless, Dr. C. The closest thing this northern city gal has gotten to milking a cow is opening the fridge and pouring herself a glass of milk. Really,tho' it works and we know you do too, reading the comments, putting in the time to make these vids. Thankyou
I was told by my divorce lawyer 20 years ago that she thought my husband was a narcissist. This was before the world wide web and Google, so I was looking for the definition in dictionaries and encyclopedias. I was skeptical. I was in denial about our crazy dance of a relationship for 10 years afterwards. Here it is another 10 years and I still struggle with who did what and why? I have learned so much from people like you who have had the ability to explain the dynamics to us listening. I grieve for my adult children who are still figuring out the damage we caused them. I wish I had never been so trauma bonded, but sadly I was. God forgive me for the harm I caused on my children. I didn't know then what I do now. My wounds are still healing. I hope my children heal faster than me. Keep teaching us how to ease the pain. Thanks!
I know how you feel about the children. I've been married to a narcissist for 40 years and about a month and a half ago he just walks out without a word to me. He gave me the silent treatment for the last ten years and I've had my own room for about 9 years . The only thing that changed is the atmosphere in the house, it's light and nice now. I don't miss him because he never talked to me. I think of our three grown kids and what damage we did but I didn't know what he was doing to me all these years I didn't know what a narcissist was. He's a really really good covert narcissist. He had me feeling like I was going crazy and I remember putting my face into my hands and that second I pleaded with God to please show me what I was doing to feel this way and my eyes were opened and I started to notice everything he was doing to me. And I could clearly see he had been gaslighting me from the very beginning. And I'll never forget how painful it was when I was looking at him and I realized he knew exactly what he was doing. To know he never loved me. I've been with him since I was 14 and I feel I wasted my life. I'm thankful for my three kids at least I got them out of this. And we have three grandchildren. Now that I'm alone I feel like I'm reliving years of abuse that I had pushed down so he couldn't see how much he was hurting me. It's painful but I'm determined to heal and be a better mom and even greater grandmother one day at a time. I believe God will heal my kids I had no idea myself what was going on and the kids have been gone out of the house these past ten years. I wish you the best. God bless you
I feel the same for my children and myself. It’s amazing how much we can learn and how much help we can now access to help us to move forward. I too feel guilty for letting my trauma bonding win over, but now is the time for healing.
Get it. 27 years ago my husband addressed his SA and AA. I thought that was it. Narcissism wasn’t recognized and this was the missing link. Here I am at 40 years of marriage with a covert narcissism who is once again cheating. The last 14 years has been pure hell as our sons are grown and out of the house since then. I no longer had the cushion they provided and he has brought me down to being so sick with immune issues right and left. Our pastor made him move out almost 3 months ago and I have texted only with him as little as possible. I am getting back to being me again after so much gaslighting. I was just a thin shell of myself for so long I forgot how much I had loved life and people. I am learning SO much from Dr. Carter and his followers.
Planned attacks are usually public humiliation. They sign someone up for a difficult Karaoke song without telling them, hoping they will make a fool of themselves. Backfires when the person can sing though and then they get angry it didn't work.
For an empath to live in freedom with a narcissist, you have to detach emotionally which is contrary to your natural inclination. Keeping to your boundaries, it can be done, but you can never have the deep intimate trusting relationship you love best, because of who they are. They don't know what they're missing and you get a lot of practice at not taking what they say and do personally.
My mom is a covert narcissist and for decades I have pleaded to her to get therapy. When I would try to explain she would play the victim and the blame game. After ample warning about how she was making me feel I finally had to go no contact to keep myself and my family healthy.
I am glad you are finally free. Unfortunately I have no way out. It is an unstable roller coaster ride that changes every hour with my mom and sister. My sister and I are in our 50’s and kept like little children, afraid of the world and sharing a room in our parents house. I am a truth-teller that is shamed and silenced. She is golden and extremely entitled. She rages to get what she wants. The walls are closing in. I’m exhausted. Enjoy living a real life now. ❤
My ex narcissist wife was good at gaslighting and pushing buttons, she would even use Dr. Carters videos against me cause she new I watched his channel. So glad I did. It still saddens me that I had to get the police involved and her being jailed. It was the only way for me to assert my boundaries along with a 4 year restraining order. She actually told the courts everyone around her needs to change not her. Pretty disturbing. I can’t thank Dr.C and team healthy enough for the unrelenting support. 😊
After 3 yrs narc-free, I’m getting along great with others, not once raising my voice, not one argument, people laughing, agreeing, small talk, etc. Self-proving that one person makes 100% difference!
After being told by my parents that I’m too much and too sensitive and think too much, hearing you say that it’s a blessing to you to talk about these issues is so healing! Thank you!
Oh yeah, the you're being too sensitive, don't take it personally, it's just how they are, they love you, you're over thinking it. The moment you realise perhaps they're not thinking enough not sensitive enough, not listening. It's always that they're right and you're wrong. Big Red flags and took me decades to realise it. The world is in their favour in that sense because there are many more of them to put forward their 'normal' so if you are sensitive and a thinker and have empathy it makes us look abnormal. The one thing I think now is if I said the same things to them as they said to me what would happen........ they'd make excuses, get angry rage or be passive aggressive throw stuff in my face. It's a one upmanship relationship where they're always up! My mom has even used the excuse well why didn't you tell me from things when I was a kid. I'm pretty sure it's the parent who is meant to be the one responsible for a child's welfare not the child schooling the parent. She has a blue print of who I was and am meant to be which isn't who I actually am. An example in my life is I have pets I was so dumb I thought they'd all act and be the same. When I rescued one and she acts totally different to the others and is very difficult I altered my own behaviour to fit her needs and not the other way round despite being told to give her up. She is now a complete joy still difficult but a joy because I've worked with her anlove her for wjo she is. Toxic parents try to make their children fit their needs and the needs of the child don't come into it. I always think my mom would have been happier with an animated doll. Eight decades and she hasn't changed. The excuse now they're too old. Always excuses so they have to say we are too sensitive think too much so they don't have to put in any work. It helps them to look like martyrs because we haven't changed despite all their 'good work' ✌
Dr. C and Gus - I’m so thankful for you and one of the best gifts you have given me is a new voice in my head to listen to when I’m having difficult interactions and/or receiving passive aggressive behavior. Instead of ruminating on how awful, disrespected, angry I feel I now hear “I release you” or “I realize that” etc. Your work changes lives for the better as people work through these relationships.
It truly is. They never give up on chaos nor do they ever give in and admit when they are wrong. I've heard hundreds of excuses for one situation instead of just saying "sorry".
Dr. C Thank you for giving a specific example (refusing to drink when you didn’t want to…). I wanted to yell “Good for you!” I’m getting better at NOT allowing people to pressure me.
I agree. I think he handled the situation perfectly. I've had people say to me 'go on enjoy yourself' 🙄 Being around people like that is bound to make a person feel miserable. Alcohol won't make everything better. It's not that I'm against it but I had to be on my terms 🙂
@@amandaliverpool3374 i had somebody bully me until I drank a bottle of wine and passed out for several hours. Lucky I didn't die. I don't drink alcohol or even like it either.
@@amandaliverpool3374 thanks for 🙏. I think they wanted me to appear to be a drunkard in public in case I would complain about the abuse then no one would believe me. It worked to some extent.
I'm in the process of cutting all contacts with the narcissists in my life as I have virtually had enough of them Dr Carter 🙂 I am sick and tired of being constantly gaslighted and invalided.
When the narcissist died, I went to therapy to untangle all that had happen to me. You are right Dr. C , I was filled with suppressed anger from the accumulation of frustration from all the years of acting like a Grey Rock. I just wanted to survive and live again. Now I have the Narcissist Son who I did not realize had been groomed for narcissism by his Dad. He is 41 yrs old and have found my voice at Last. Boundaries have been set with him and since his father died so did the enabling. He has what I call intermittent failure to launch. Am selling my home and property and moving on. The Eagle is kicking the eglett out of the best. Need words of wisdom from you. Please !!!!
It sounds like you are taking a common sense approach. I think your greatest problem is not in making a good decision, but instead, you are taking too much responsibility for how your son will react. Let's keep in mind, he's not 17, he's 41 years old. It's ok to presume he should be an adult. BTW, I hope you have a good support system with people who get you.
Thank you Dr. C for your answer. I do have a good support system. My oldest son is very common sense and very independent.i've always had to be the bad guy but that's ok. Sticking to my boundaries with the younger son...he doesn't like it but it is what it is.
Some Narcs DO plan attacks ahead. My Narc adult daughter once wanted to make plans with me on the same day her in laws would be visiting. When I asked how she could know they would be gone in time, she said “I’ll just flip out! They’ll leave. It always works.” 😮 I was shocked!
Videos like this and Dr. Ramanis have been invaluable. I was able to be around my mother this past weekend and not get too triggered and to understand how she operates. I also opened up to my cousin for the first time and she actually believed me. She could see how my mom is as well.
I’m going through the adult child thing. My daughter can’t stand me. I’m uncertain if it’s narcissistic behavior or a problem like bipolar. In any event the relationship is so unhealthy. Anytime I disagree with her about anything (it can be anything) then she goes on and on about me as a person, as a mother. The things she says are brutal. Leaves me feeling depressed and sad. I question myself constantly and go over and over everything from my past. Then I start remembering childhood abuse and spiral. I’ve decided to go no contact but there’s 2 grandchildren involved who I love so much. I’ve done lots of therapy and know I need it again. Can it be done online? I have a small farm and also anxiety so leaving is difficult for me. Thank you so much for your videos. I’ve been binge watching them. Learning so much. Lisa.
We are blessed to have you in our lives too Dr. C!! Feelings are mutual. Your warmth and kindness make the world a better place!! Hi to Gus!! It gives me to hope to know there are men who are decent (DRC) and good!
Dr C .. I just want to tell you from the bottom of my heart .. You have made my life more manageable.. I’m in a situation with my extremely covert narcissistic MIL and I can’t leave or ask her to leave because she is 87 and nobody else wants her to live with them.. So I have just had to learn how to grey rock and coexist with her.. And it’s videos like this that at least make me feel that I’m not crazy.. I have so many unimaginable experiences with my MIL that it almost sounds exaggerated or made up! But sadly it’s all true and probably more bazaar than I even realize.. Again, Thank for saving my emotional life ❤
The deflection technique strongly resonates with my memory of my life with a narcissist. Wanted me to know that my opinion wasn't worth much. After I left I needed most to hear other people approve of my inputs. Projection was very common. I refused to lie for them as they wanted. I prefer to tell the truth as much as I know what is true.
My soon to be ex-husband (whom I strongly believe is a textbook narcissist) and his ex-wife once brought a cat over and asked if I wanted a barn cat. Knowing my loving heart, I asked if the cat was safe. She said yes. So I opened the carrier, and it lunged out, bitting and scratching me. I was holding it as they were both laughing at me. He told me to put it back in the carrier. So, with the cat bitting and scratching one of my hands and both of my legs, I opened the carrier with the other hand and put it back. They both were in the driveway laughing and mocking me. I was tore up like a horror story. I calmly went inside and started cleaning my wounds. A few min later, the ex-wife came in with my drink, still laughing, saying I left it out there. My soon to be ex-husband was laughing at the way I said hey kitty and then it growled, hissed, and attacked me. I later had to get rabies shots because he let the cat go after my doctor called animal control. It was terrifying. My husband even told people at work and they were all putting cat pictures around my office while I was out. When I came back and they seen how tore up I was some people felt bad while others still found it funny. I learned a lot about my co-workers that day. My hand had turned deep purple and green from the attack and infections. I was the victim of a narcissist who left the wife and got a new one to rub in his ex-wife's face. And with that, she was constantly attacking me. They are both sick people and soon will be out of my life. So those suffering and wondering if the "new supply" or "new significant other" will get a better version of the narcissist person.... no... the answer is NO. And it's just as painful realizing it all after 5 years.
@@Ioncandi My daughter married a man whose ex bought a place about 1/4 mile from them. She stopped by almost every day. Needless to say, they are no longer married. I tried to warn her.
I watched this live on Wednesday and again yesterday and today. It was one of the most relevant midweeks for me so far. I am definitely "on the outside looking in" - discarded by my parents, siblings, spouse, and three of my four children. I have held six grandchildren on the day they were born and now they are not part of my life. I don't think I could have survived these past few years if I hadn't found Surviving Narcissism and you, Dr. C. I just ordered two Team Healthy T-shirts because I am rising above and taking pride in my healing journey. Thank you for the support and the inspiration.
11:43 - life is better when you get rid of every one of them. Sacrificing the occasional dopamine rush of their love bombing cannot compare to the experience a fellow empath can provide. There’s nothing to deal with, there’s no boundaries you need to be made known. The only drama there is is what’s on TV. The mutual love and respect builds steadily. If you ever experienced that, you would never entertain this question. I don’t care how aware of their narcissism they are and how hard they are working on themselves, you are still way better off without them. And that’s the cold hard truth.
Hi Dr. Carter, Gus and Team Healthy from California. I used to call him " Brick Brain" because you could not get anything in there. It has been my experience that they are very much aware of what they are doing and will plan ways to make things go the way they want but realize that they are that way naturally and will just act because that is the way they are. Very good session Dr. Carter. We thank you so very much.
Getting angry is human….best statement! What I always say is anger is secondary emotion and it’s good to look at the primary (more vulnerable) emotions triggering Anger to go deeper with what really got to you….do you think this introspection helps us to overcome the confusion of gaslighting? I often find that in myself, looking at the underlying emotion that drives the anger always helps me to understand myself and my reactions to be able to better recognize anger as a protective, or secondary, emotion. Do you think that showing anger in our reply to the narc. personality is ever helpful? I find that it actually fuels them bc they see my anger as them “getting to me”. - thanks dr. C!
I can literally not have a disagreement with this individual without it resulting in him exploding into shouting and devolving into me being called stunned or stupid. Consistently trying to force his opinions and beliefs on me. The inner anger was shocking to me over the smallest things. Thank you for your informative videos, they have helped me so much to cut loose..
I was married 34 yrs to a narc and he found a new someone and left me. I filed divorce 8 years ago and so thankful for your program. I know I’m free yet I don’t trust my decisions (I went back to school at 59 to be a nurse- all when he said, ‘you’re not smart enough’) I know I need to talk to someone- I had a counselor for a year after graduation- I don’t know where to start.
Thank you, Dr. C. The lack of insight and personal growth and change has kept me from having any kind of meaningful relationship with elderly Mom. I have accepted it.
emotionally speaking there is just NO point talking to A NARCISSIST. There is just no point trying. Keeping it factual or grey rock is best method with these folk.
Hello Dear Dr C, thank you so much again! I really needed to hear this today. Im sending you lot's of love and Self energy so you can pass it forward as you gave to us and me. I am more hopefull and inspired as being sad for the loss of my family and my dear fragile narcissistic? Father that is in his last fase of his life. Visiting him comes with facing more or less his narcissistic family, some of them my family of birth. Im so happy being the Empath, not easy; abandoned, rejected, shamed, blamed, bullied, but feel free and in connection with my spiritual Self as with Source
No. They are not aware. Dr. C you said it perfectly. My Mother taught my sister this way. My sister isn't even aware this was happening to her. I have tried to make her aware over the past few years and now she is in severe anger mode but my sister still models her behavior.
It's like banging your head against a brick wall. They do NOT think like other people. Side note: Not on every comment section , but has anybody else noticed how once in a while one shows up to try to torment hurting people on here, mocking , kicking them when they are down and trying to push buttons? Really pathetic. They do on a few popular channels about Narcissism. As always just ignore. Give them no supply.
Dr Carter, this week you helped me to come to terms with the fact that some of the adult children with whom I equally long for meaningful connection AND am scared of (triggered by) - have the characteristics of their father. In the early days the fact that all 10 of them lined up under the narrative of the abuser, was understood as 'parental alienation'. But I see, now, there's something deeper going on . A few of my 10 are 'kind' people - and always were (though I'm the scapegoat and am erased) - but others always had, more or less, the qualities of their father. Even though they were, when little, his victims. I used to appear to others as 'the controller' because I was trying to keep the children as safe as I could, from his wrath. Now the children see me as having been the controller, not knowing what was my motive. If I dont' have to think about them, I get on happily with my new life. When I do have to think about them - or get an occasional email from one of them (by no means all of them) then I'm triggered and back to my old 'jibbering' self that I was before I finally left.... I'm going got sign up with 'this is me'!
Didn't succeed in securing a competitive promotion at work. The narc won it. I stayed committed to drc. I didn't lose. I'm confident in my commitment. For the best I am sure.
My Narcussist and I were leaving Costco. We got to the light and he called his mom. My Narcissist was in his 50s. I could hear the conversation. She was saying that she didnt have any $ to give him. He was starting to argue with her and bargaining with her, then anger. His sister grabbed the phone from the mom and yelled back at him, saying that you dont yell at your mom like that! He yelled at her to put the mom back on the phone and the dad hung up on him. Holy crap. Here I was trying drive. I told the narcussist, that he shouldn't talk to his mom or anybody that way. He never learned.
@@SurvivingNarcissism I just love that I'm learning so much from you, that when you read the questions .. I answer them the same way you did!! 😁❣️ I'm like, Yessss!! I knew the answer!! Dr C has become my teacher and this student is ready, willing and able! I am proud of my accomplishments, I am moving forward all because I'm a Team HEALTHY student for life!! Thank you again Dr C 🙏✝️🕊️ God bless you 🌹
I tried to talk to the narcissists in the family and they blow up, accuse, and refuse to listen so I don't approach them anymore, I just avoid them. Gaslighting is almost the only way these people communicate, there is no honesty and no focus on the problem, they go straight to character assassination. This anger was the only way my parents operated about the silliest things that my brothers operate exactly the same way. There is never any "working something out", so they just treat me badly for daring to try to figure it out. I believe its because they are guilty of rudeness and they know it, that's why they rage. An innocent person would be shocked, not angry. I was shocked when I realized my entire family lives on an infantile plain all the time. I appreciate your videos very much because it has helped me to establish boundaries without guilt. I hate it when they pressure us to do things we don't want to do, then judge us for not doing what they do.
Oh gosh isn't it the worst being the only "sane" family member? This had been my life for over 50 years. I don't like to be mean but I'm so tired of their bs and I want MY life back-or rather start!
@@Ioncandi I learned that if we remain with mean family we become like them. They goad us into responses that are not kind but if we choose not to respond badly, they will get worse so the only option is to get away from them. They see kindness as weakness and it makes them step up their game.
Dr. Carter, I am a stay at home mom with many young children with my narcissist husband (undiagnosed). He is neglectful and abandoning to them, so right now I have decided to try and stay well for their safety and my peace of mind. The worst danger to doing this is his collecting toys (action figures) coping mechanism and lying. Is there any way to stay and not end up in the continuous financial quicksand that I have experienced during my 23 years being his wife? Can you flesh out what staying well would look like in your opinion? Thanks so much.
Thank you for addressing the last question. It is hard but the more one learns about the behavior you gain tools to make better decisions to lead a healthier life. Your videos have provided me with many answers Dr. C. Thank you. ❤
You don't need my approval but you've got it anyway. SO glad you have shared such right-on information. I went through two years of hell. Everything you stated was my experience/discovery. Thankfully I found NPD podcasts during the lockdown. I am an empath/magnet. Your insights helped me regain my strengths and grow beyond the experience. It took a lot of conscious determination as I outgrew his tactics and deceit. Not mine to have to carry! Thank you
Right before the 24.49 mark, my husband called me narcissist, when I was watching one of your videos a few months ago. I giggled & said "says the person who's narcissistic"! Oh he got so pissed at me 😱🤣, oops my bad, I guess I shouldn't have said that! I still think it's funny. I have a weird sense of humor anyway. But yep maybe my narcissist will go no contact with me, trash took itself out.
Watching replay. Very good advice here. I missed so much while in live chat. I'm hearing it much better now as I listen during household chores 👍📝📌📋 to self. Listen to Dr C's advice, commit to memory
Dr C, I notice many people on Team Healthy doubt themselves when a person accuses them of being narcissistic. Personally, I ask myself if anyone other than the accuser has insinuated I exhibit narcissism. I always come up with the same answer: "No". Just for the record, I strongly believe the narcissist in my life is aware of her tactics.
Hi Doctor Carter I listen to all of your tutorials and its changed my life for the better having had a Narcissist Father and Sister but not knowing that they both were. Father was a grandiose type Sister is a covert type so true you put the traits of Narcissism can,t wait for your next lesson.
Thank you so much DR. Carter for sharing your thoughts, advice and, and experience with us. I have been listening to you for a few weeks. I have learned so much, and feel I have grown stronger!
My daughter is a narcissist. She’s 55 years old. After many years of emotional torture by her, I’ve decided to go no contact. Her sister who is 52 is able to keep her at arms length. I’m afraid she judges me because I have not been able to be around the narcissist and function well. I don’t want to be judged by my younger daughter. I’m doing the best I can.
@@beverlyadams7205 and you HAVE it right here. Honor your own health and peace and ruthlessly do what has to be done to protect yourself. Loving yourself enough to protect yourself is not selfish.
God bless you. Your explanations are so helpful. I know you haven’t been the only source of info and help for me but I also know you have been the most helpful. I see from other comments to you that many others are also very grateful for you. Please let your dear wife know that we dairy cows are grateful to her, also. 😉🙏💞
Dr. Les, like you I had a guy also pressure me over and over to drink beer and got mad when I never agreed to do it. They want you to be at their level or else. Very sad.
“Let’s just talk “ That is not a healthy engagement for my narcissist😮 running into a brick wall! Yes I’ve been very angry… She has my email, she just does not want to talk! My own daughter😢🦋 She is the queen of gaslighting🤪 Thank you Dr. C and team healthy😅
This video is an answer to my prayers 🙏 Dr.C and thanks for bringing up offspring as one of the topics today. I got to admit, and I'm probably not the only one. I'm struggling at home. I have 2 lovely lads aged 20+ living at home with me. They are both well educated and I honestly think I have done my best bringing them up. Firm but fair. I have disabilities but don't dwell...maybe sometimes. Both have addictions. I don't feel they are fully narcissistic. Your talk today reaffirmed the direction I need to take about reinforcing boundaries. They help at home a bit...not enough. There may be a time we're They will HAVE to leave as I can't manage 💔 I would prefer this to be a natural progression as I have lost people through narcissistic circumstances. You've shown me a way forward and, as usual, I will rewatch. Gratitude to yourself, Gus and Team Healthy 🙏 ❤
I'd reply: 'Stay strong,' Amanda~but you obviously possess great strength 💪,as is quite clear on TH! I hope your lads find a treatment program and success within it to attain balance in their lives. 💙I ushered my son through a BP one diagnosis. It was the most utterly gut wrenching thing I've experienced w/ my child, and I received NO understanding and support from my former Narc spouse throughout. My son is now thriving, with the precise therapy and meds. The breakthrough is astounding! He is getting his ducks in a row w/ career, relationship, etc. He has made the conscious decision that he does not want children of his own, which is quite responsible, given his mental health diagnosis. Know that I, and many others are keeping a good thought for you and your lads as you navigate from here on.💜🤗
@@istateyourname4710 Thank-you so much for your kindness. This is the only place I can speak my mind without being judged. I'm sorry but I don't know what BP one is? You too sound as you've had challenges and I'm glad your son is on the right track. My eldest son lived with girlfriend for a while after she had my granddaughter. But they lived with her mum and it didn't work. He came home + a dog. I would never have let him back in if I'd known he was on cannabis. He teaches IT. I worry that he will get with someone who will 'pick up' after him. I don't and that's why there is conflict. The youngest is at uni studying nutrition, ironically, and has a problem with alcohol! He claims to have been bullied by the eldest. Meanwhile, there are occasions that they both pick on me. Yep it's difficult. As you say, there isn't much support. I tried to get counselling for the eldest when he was young but he wouldn't go. The youngest is going to be going to counselling through the uni. I understand that parenting is difficult but at least if I have some ideas or a plan I will battle through. Thanks again for your much appreciated support. Take care ❤
With tremendous gratitude to my God, for giving humanity the science of Psychology & heroes like Dr Les Carter, Dr Ramani, Dr Judy Rosenberg…I am no longer confused about the pattern of narcissistic behavorial then Fr David Nix, Sr Miriam, Fr Burns … who integrate St Thomas Aquinas’ Christian Virtues applied to this societal pandemic:Narcissism✝️🙏🏻♥️ I pray daily for them🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻
My wife keeps telling me I don't discuss things with her - but I have given up, as she will always deflect and never resolve the issue - and then project, or uses ridiculous non-logic. Oh, and she had the temerity to accuse me of gaslighting her because I questioned one of her minor decisions. I started a discussion of our joint finances (as she had requested) and in fewer than three minutes it has become a rant about how awful I was at getting things fixed around the house, or even getting my own stuff fixed (which has no impact on her). Unbelievable - and then she tells me I need to show her that she is a priority for me.
I think some tactics were very purposeful. Gaslighting was so bad that I felt I was behind a soundproof glass wall separating me from the rest of society. I recall narcissist bragging about taking a course in POW tactics
Is this physical pain? I have fibromyalgia and when I have a 'flare up' people say 'what did YOU do to cause it?' or 'rest' or if I rest I'm 'lazy' 🙄 Take care 🙏
Dr C: QUESTION ⁉️ Please provide advice on just HOW to maneuver forgiving a narcissist without becoming their victim again. Big topic but some pointers would be very helpful to me. I like the idea of forgiveness because it's freeing to me to be my old self again which was kind, friendly, generous & loving. But now after sustained narc attacks over the period of years I've learned I MUST avoid & TRY to maintain boundaries with these narcissists I must unfortunately endure if/when total avoidance of them isn't yet possible
I also want to mention that it was rude for that man to assume you appreciated his purchase of Bear..He did not ask you what you wanted or weather if you liked it. Plus he should never have pressured you. That was thoughtless. The intent was demanding. I think you did the right thing. He tried to force what he likes on you.
I think the question of being an empath living w/narc was more about the empath absorbing the swing in moods; since one literally can feel like they are wearing anothers' emotions without even thinking about it. My experience says that empaths have a responsibility to themselves to be in charge of that gift. You can define it and chose to apply it appropriately. That doesnt mean you won't be caught off gaurd and get feelings you cant shake. At those times exercise some quick assessments and remember what you defined as appropriate application of your empathy. Dont make yourself a victim in this regard. That goes for interacting with the world at large. Overcoming requires work on principles, morals, knowing who you are and living intentionally. You dont have to squelch your gift once in charge of it. That being said I would say the success of living with a difficult person depends how far down the narc spectrum they are. When it is severe where they really cannot hear you life gets lonely and develops a strong sense of not being genuine trying to create a common ground all the time with a gaslighter or suffer wrath or a physical threat. You can start to feel fake. Life becomes confusing and immoral as an empath here because in your heart you know the truth and you are giving your time and energy and gifts to a lie if it is an intimate relationship. Perhaps having strong boundaries with a "doable" narc would make you feel empowered and keep order in your home so that you can contentfully go about your life day to day. I could see that if you dont fool yourself or interact expecting something that narc just doesnt have to give. My mom stayed with my narc dad till the end; almost 60 years and loved him. We all loved him and appreciated things about him though he was hurtful and so frustrating and dismissive etc. The Holy Spirit taught my siblings and I so much through the relationship. It did not change on his death bed either. Truly some things are left undone. But we are ok with that. Myself, there came a point of no return with my exhusband as over time I had lived out that advise I gave above which was deeply threatening to him. It got too dangerous and I had to give up my marriage and take my kids. The best advise I think is start today with eyes wide open and honestly assess it all. My personal feelings are not to get involved in any meaningful way with such a difficult person. Regardless in life we do not escape all the hard stuff or pain. Jesus takes care of that.He is our comforter and counselor.
Sometimes I find myself behaving exactly like him, but only with him. So I feel like a narcissist myself. I feel that he is turning me into a person like him. Is this even possible?
DR.C QUESTION My narcissistic father in law after constant grey rock technique, has raged on me in the past. He always says at some point in the rage “idk if you’re scared of me or whatever.” as if he’s trying to get me to admit I am (I’m not). I simply don’t want to put the mental energy into dialogue because it’s not conversation and instead always coercion with him. This last outburst ended with him saying “You know I’m not the type of guy you mess with. You certainly don’t want to find out either.” Should I take this generally as a real threat? My wife brushed it off immediately as “oh you know he’s just bad with words, he’s got a temper, that’s what I dealt with my whole life.” I’ve kept my mouth shut for over a decade now and it’s getting to the point where he simply can’t take a hint. How should I proceed?
When someone threatens you, always take it seriously. You deserve better treatment. I think you need to talk to your wife first then set boundaries with your father-in-law. Hope this helps.
I haven’t listened to the video yet, but I always jump to the comments lol. The end of your comment is some thing I’ve been studying lately. It’s called projective identification process. We all do it to some degree but it’s a favorite unconscious behavior of the narcissist. So he knows he’s a criminal, but he disowns that part of himself (shame he doesn’t want to face) so he projects that onto other (you) and he’s trying to get you to identify with that. Meaning what you’re saying treating you like you’re the criminal when it’s him. And you’re poor wife is so used to his behavior that she’s learned to minimize it. She had to for safety in childhood. His behavior can be so maddening, but when you realize the process that’s happening, it can help to not feel so frustrated with it. So when he treats you like the criminal that he is just say in your own mind oh, there’s that projective identification process that he’s trying to pin on to me (his disowned criminal stuff). He won’t be able to see that he does it. It’s very unconscious and the shame he feels about being a criminal is too much to face so he has project it, push it outside of himself on to someone else. Just keep doing what you’re doing and don’t identify with it, and that includes defending self to him regarding the projection. It’s so strange, but then you’re engaging with the projection, and that creates the identification. Truly, it’s a type of break with reality. A denial of it. So again, I know how maddening it is but deep breath it’s just him showing you his unconscious pain that he can’t face.
Oh yeah I forgot to mention another major reason I stay far away from narcs is the lack of genuine empathy that goes with this disorder...Because by default they WON'T feel any genuine guilt/remorse at the ⌚ of doing something horrible to another person or even afterwards.There's a lot of especially bad traits among narcs.
Take it very seriously. It is foremost verbal abuse. You become the projection I agree but the abuser reality controls the projection or said another way he has expectations of how the projection will act. Patrica Evans in a podcast interview told of a client abuser that he beat his partner just because she looked at the mail instead of joining him in the kitchen to participate in cooking a gourmet meal that he rarely does. This man had all the burners going to surprise his wife when she got home from work and when she glanced down at the mail instead of entering the kitchen as he expected his 'projection' to do he lost control and beat her for the first time in the abusive relationship. Also he could flip the script and accuse you of harming or abusing him to authorities. Chat with your county crisis intervention representative at the Sheriff's office and you will better understand what they are capable of and the extent of damage they could bring into your life. If he is ever in your home at the time he makes a claim of you abusing him you could lose your rights to your own home for up to five years or longer. You have to act first. He is disempowering you. How are your dreams? Are you having nightmares? If so your subconscious is trying to get your attention.
thank you for touching on the narcissistic adult child parental relationship. I'm going thru this bs now. she seemed to have developed the mindset after the birth of her second child(a difficult beginning). I would appreciate further explanation on this particular relationship for better understanding.
Yep. This morning I’ve heard these dumb statements “We’d have a fun great marriage if you would just be sweet to me” and “your the one that’s hostile stop being hostile and have fun” It’s dumstounding, confounding ludicrous!
2:00 ET It’s hard for me to believe my Addiction Recovery pastor hubs-32 yrs- knows what he’s doing! He BELIEVES He’s Right! Which is where my confusion comes in…😢
"How can they appreciate who you are, if they can't even be honest about who they are?"
Well said, Dr C.
💯
There is no pleasing a narcissist.
Boy, are you ever correct 😢😢
Yes, except for the golden child who can do no wrong
NOT. ONE. BIT.
There is one way: subjugate yourself to them! 😩
@@pdkonkol then they exploit you all the more but they're still not pleased. You're just useful but not good enough.
interacting with a brick wall leads you to hitting your head against the wall, then you realize it hurt you and it had no effect on the wall. Ouch. It's a journey only those of us that hit our head on a wall will understand. Bless you all who are hurting. 🙏
I used to hit my head on everything while having “conversations” with my narc. 😵💫
@Dan Williams your comment made me laugh, sad but true. I understand. Protecting our minds and moving on is the key. Namaste
"Like having a dairy cow"
Your metaphors are southern gems. Priceless, Dr. C. The closest thing this northern city gal has gotten to milking a cow is opening the fridge and pouring herself a glass of milk.
Really,tho' it works and we know you do too, reading the comments, putting in the time to make these vids. Thankyou
I was told by my divorce lawyer 20 years ago that she thought my husband was a narcissist. This was before the world wide web and Google, so I was looking for the definition in dictionaries and encyclopedias. I was skeptical. I was in denial about our crazy dance of a relationship for 10 years afterwards. Here it is another 10 years and I still struggle with who did what and why? I have learned so much from people like you who have had the ability to explain the dynamics to us listening. I grieve for my adult children who are still figuring out the damage we caused them. I wish I had never been so trauma bonded, but sadly I was. God forgive me for the harm I caused on my children. I didn't know then what I do now. My wounds are still healing. I hope my children heal faster than me. Keep teaching us how to ease the pain. Thanks!
You sound like such a caring loving person. I feel like could be writing the exact same thing in 10 years. 😢❤
I hear you & pray for healing for your children as well as mine.🙏💜
I know how you feel about the children. I've been married to a narcissist for 40 years and about a month and a half ago he just walks out without a word to me. He gave me the silent treatment for the last ten years and I've had my own room for about 9 years . The only thing that changed is the atmosphere in the house, it's light and nice now. I don't miss him because he never talked to me. I think of our three grown kids and what damage we did but I didn't know what he was doing to me all these years I didn't know what a narcissist was. He's a really really good covert narcissist. He had me feeling like I was going crazy and I remember putting my face into my hands and that second I pleaded with God to please show me what I was doing to feel this way and my eyes were opened and I started to notice everything he was doing to me. And I could clearly see he had been gaslighting me from the very beginning. And I'll never forget how painful it was when I was looking at him and I realized he knew exactly what he was doing. To know he never loved me. I've been with him since I was 14 and I feel I wasted my life. I'm thankful for my three kids at least I got them out of this. And we have three grandchildren. Now that I'm alone I feel like I'm reliving years of abuse that I had pushed down so he couldn't see how much he was hurting me. It's painful but I'm determined to heal and be a better mom and even greater grandmother one day at a time. I believe God will heal my kids I had no idea myself what was going on and the kids have been gone out of the house these past ten years. I wish you the best. God bless you
I feel the same for my children and myself. It’s amazing how much we can learn and how much help we can now access to help us to move forward. I too feel guilty for letting my trauma bonding win over, but now is the time for healing.
Get it. 27 years ago my husband addressed his SA and AA. I thought that was it. Narcissism wasn’t recognized and this was the missing link. Here I am at 40 years of marriage with a covert narcissism who is once again cheating. The last 14 years has been pure hell as our sons are grown and out of the house since then.
I no longer had the cushion they provided and he has brought me down to being so sick with immune issues right and left.
Our pastor made him move out almost 3 months ago and I have texted only with him as little as possible. I am getting back to being me again after so much gaslighting. I was just a thin shell of myself for so long I forgot how much I had loved life and people.
I am learning SO much from Dr. Carter and his followers.
Planned attacks are usually public humiliation. They sign someone up for a difficult Karaoke song without telling them, hoping they will make a fool of themselves. Backfires when the person can sing though and then they get angry it didn't work.
For an empath to live in freedom with a narcissist, you have to detach emotionally which is contrary to your natural inclination. Keeping to your boundaries, it can be done, but you can never have the deep intimate trusting relationship you love best, because of who they are.
They don't know what they're missing and you get a lot of practice at not taking what they say and do personally.
Yes, exactly.
My mom is a covert narcissist and for decades I have pleaded to her to get therapy. When I would try to explain she would play the victim and the blame game. After ample warning about how she was making me feel I finally had to go no contact to keep myself and my family healthy.
I have same situation
The fact that she point-blank illustrates that she will not seek valid assistance tells you what you need to know. You're not the problem.
Me too.
I am glad you are finally free. Unfortunately I have no way out. It is an unstable roller coaster ride that changes every hour with my mom and sister. My sister and I are in our 50’s and kept like little children, afraid of the world and sharing a room in our parents house. I am a truth-teller that is shamed and silenced. She is golden and extremely entitled. She rages to get what she wants. The walls are closing in. I’m exhausted. Enjoy living a real life now. ❤
@@tbunnyshy1 ❤
Can’t bring up anything the narc did in the past. You just hear “you live in the past “.
I used to get that I was a "grudge collector". He stole that one from "Criminal Minds" omg - too funny. Now he's the BAU of the FBI!
I get this daily. They do NOTHING wrong so of course if you bring up anything you think they did is wrong they will just tell you this.
My ex narcissist wife was good at gaslighting and pushing buttons, she would even use Dr. Carters videos against me cause she new I watched his channel. So glad I did. It still saddens me that I had to get the police involved and her being jailed. It was the only way for me to assert my boundaries along with a 4 year restraining order. She actually told the courts everyone around her needs to change not her. Pretty disturbing. I can’t thank Dr.C and team healthy enough for the unrelenting support. 😊
That's a long restraining order. She must have been physically abusive.
@@rosieE121 true!
After 3 yrs narc-free, I’m getting along great with others, not once raising my voice, not one argument, people laughing, agreeing, small talk, etc. Self-proving that one person makes 100% difference!
After being told by my parents that I’m too much and too sensitive and think too much, hearing you say that it’s a blessing to you to talk about these issues is so healing! Thank you!
Oh yeah, the you're being too sensitive, don't take it personally, it's just how they are, they love you, you're over thinking it. The moment you realise perhaps they're not thinking enough not sensitive enough, not listening. It's always that they're right and you're wrong. Big Red flags and took me decades to realise it. The world is in their favour in that sense because there are many more of them to put forward their 'normal' so if you are sensitive and a thinker and have empathy it makes us look abnormal. The one thing I think now is if I said the same things to them as they said to me what would happen........ they'd make excuses, get angry rage or be passive aggressive throw stuff in my face. It's a one upmanship relationship where they're always up! My mom has even used the excuse well why didn't you tell me from things when I was a kid. I'm pretty sure it's the parent who is meant to be the one responsible for a child's welfare not the child schooling the parent. She has a blue print of who I was and am meant to be which isn't who I actually am. An example in my life is I have pets I was so dumb I thought they'd all act and be the same. When I rescued one and she acts totally different to the others and is very difficult I altered my own behaviour to fit her needs and not the other way round despite being told to give her up. She is now a complete joy still difficult but a joy because I've worked with her anlove her for wjo she is. Toxic parents try to make their children fit their needs and the needs of the child don't come into it. I always think my mom would have been happier with an animated doll. Eight decades and she hasn't changed. The excuse now they're too old. Always excuses so they have to say we are too sensitive think too much so they don't have to put in any work. It helps them to look like martyrs because we haven't changed despite all their 'good work' ✌
Dr. C and Gus - I’m so thankful for you and one of the best gifts you have given me is a new voice in my head to listen to when I’m having difficult interactions and/or receiving passive aggressive behavior. Instead of ruminating on how awful, disrespected, angry I feel I now hear “I release you” or “I realize that” etc. Your work changes lives for the better as people work through these relationships.
You're why I do the videos!! Thanks.
Same here
“…a new voice in my head…”
Well put! That is true.
Futile (and utterly exasperating) to try to reason with unreasonable people. Thank you for the topic today. Well timed for me. You’re so appreciated!
It truly is. They never give up on chaos nor do they ever give in and admit when they are wrong. I've heard hundreds of excuses for one situation instead of just saying "sorry".
Dr. C Thank you for giving a specific example (refusing to drink when you didn’t want to…). I wanted to yell “Good for you!” I’m getting better at NOT allowing people to pressure me.
I agree. I think he handled the situation perfectly. I've had people say to me 'go on enjoy yourself' 🙄 Being around people like that is bound to make a person feel miserable. Alcohol won't make everything better. It's not that I'm against it but I had to be on my terms 🙂
@@amandaliverpool3374 i had somebody bully me until I drank a bottle of wine and passed out for several hours. Lucky I didn't die. I don't drink alcohol or even like it either.
@@rosieE121 Omg 😲 🙏
@@amandaliverpool3374 thanks for 🙏. I think they wanted me to appear to be a drunkard in public in case I would complain about the abuse then no one would believe me. It worked to some extent.
@@rosieE121 YOU know the truth that is the main thing!
I'm in the process of cutting all contacts with the narcissists in my life as I have virtually had enough of them Dr Carter 🙂 I am sick and tired of being constantly gaslighted and invalided.
I wish you the best, Denise.
Same here, no or minimum contact as the situation requires with every last one.
Me too and it’s a great feeling.
When the narcissist died, I went to therapy to untangle all that had happen to me. You are right Dr. C , I was filled with suppressed anger from the accumulation of frustration from all the years of acting like a Grey Rock. I just wanted to survive and live again. Now I have the Narcissist Son who I did not realize had been groomed for narcissism by his Dad. He is 41 yrs old and have found my voice at Last. Boundaries have been set with him and since his father died so did the enabling.
He has what I call intermittent failure to launch. Am selling my home and property and moving on. The Eagle is kicking the eglett out of the best. Need words of wisdom from you. Please !!!!
Good for you, I'm glad your free. Love shouldn't hurt, ever!!
It sounds like you are taking a common sense approach. I think your greatest problem is not in making a good decision, but instead, you are taking too much responsibility for how your son will react. Let's keep in mind, he's not 17, he's 41 years old. It's ok to presume he should be an adult. BTW, I hope you have a good support system with people who get you.
Thank you Dr. C for your answer. I do have a good support system. My oldest son is very common sense and very independent.i've always had to be the bad guy but that's ok. Sticking to my boundaries with the younger son...he doesn't like it but it is what it is.
Some Narcs DO plan attacks ahead. My Narc adult daughter once wanted to make plans with me on the same day her in laws would be visiting. When I asked how she could know they would be gone in time, she said “I’ll just flip out! They’ll leave. It always works.” 😮 I was shocked!
Videos like this and Dr. Ramanis have been invaluable. I was able to be around my mother this past weekend and not get too triggered and to understand how she operates. I also opened up to my cousin for the first time and she actually believed me. She could see how my mom is as well.
I’m going through the adult child thing. My daughter can’t stand me. I’m uncertain if it’s narcissistic behavior or a problem like bipolar. In any event the relationship is so unhealthy. Anytime I disagree with her about anything (it can be anything) then she goes on and on about me as a person, as a mother. The things she says are brutal. Leaves me feeling depressed and sad. I question myself constantly and go over and over everything from my past. Then I start remembering childhood abuse and spiral. I’ve decided to go no contact but there’s 2 grandchildren involved who I love so much. I’ve done lots of therapy and know I need it again. Can it be done online? I have a small farm and also anxiety so leaving is difficult for me. Thank you so much for your videos. I’ve been binge watching them. Learning so much. Lisa.
We are blessed to have you in our lives too Dr. C!! Feelings are mutual. Your warmth and kindness make the world a better place!! Hi to Gus!! It gives me to hope to know there are men who are decent (DRC) and good!
Thank you, Liora.
Dr C .. I just want to tell you from the bottom of my heart .. You have made my life more manageable.. I’m in a situation with my extremely covert narcissistic MIL and I can’t leave or ask her to leave because she is 87 and nobody else wants her to live with them.. So I have just had to learn how to grey rock and coexist with her.. And it’s videos like this that at least make me feel that I’m not crazy.. I have so many unimaginable experiences with my MIL that it almost sounds exaggerated or made up! But sadly it’s all true and probably more bazaar than I even realize.. Again, Thank for saving my emotional life ❤
You are why I do the videos, Pikie. Keep leaning forward!
This was so good Dr. Carter. It's like being there with you on team healhy, in the moment. And I did so need to listen to you today. Thank you!!! 🧡
So pleased, Annie. Stay strong!
@@SurvivingNarcissism 🙂🧡
The deflection technique strongly resonates with my memory of my life with a narcissist. Wanted me to know that my opinion wasn't worth much.
After I left I needed most to hear other people approve of my inputs.
Projection was very common. I refused to lie for them as they wanted. I prefer to tell the truth as much as I know what is true.
My soon to be ex-husband (whom I strongly believe is a textbook narcissist) and his ex-wife once brought a cat over and asked if I wanted a barn cat. Knowing my loving heart, I asked if the cat was safe. She said yes. So I opened the carrier, and it lunged out, bitting and scratching me. I was holding it as they were both laughing at me. He told me to put it back in the carrier. So, with the cat bitting and scratching one of my hands and both of my legs, I opened the carrier with the other hand and put it back. They both were in the driveway laughing and mocking me. I was tore up like a horror story. I calmly went inside and started cleaning my wounds. A few min later, the ex-wife came in with my drink, still laughing, saying I left it out there. My soon to be ex-husband was laughing at the way I said hey kitty and then it growled, hissed, and attacked me. I later had to get rabies shots because he let the cat go after my doctor called animal control. It was terrifying. My husband even told people at work and they were all putting cat pictures around my office while I was out. When I came back and they seen how tore up I was some people felt bad while others still found it funny. I learned a lot about my co-workers that day. My hand had turned deep purple and green from the attack and infections.
I was the victim of a narcissist who left the wife and got a new one to rub in his ex-wife's face. And with that, she was constantly attacking me. They are both sick people and soon will be out of my life.
So those suffering and wondering if the "new supply" or "new significant other" will get a better version of the narcissist person.... no... the answer is NO. And it's just as painful realizing it all after 5 years.
Are there children involved? Why would you have any contact with an ex-wife?
So sorry this happened to you.
Wow. I didn't marry my narc thank God, but he did try to use me to antagonize his ex wife.
@@Ioncandi My daughter married a man whose ex bought a place about 1/4 mile from them. She stopped by almost every day. Needless to say, they are no longer married. I tried to warn her.
@@Hatbox948 Ugh hopefully your daughter is better off now. It just sucks not being able to get that time back.
I watched this live on Wednesday and again yesterday and today. It was one of the most relevant midweeks for me so far. I am definitely "on the outside looking in" - discarded by my parents, siblings, spouse, and three of my four children. I have held six grandchildren on the day they were born and now they are not part of my life. I don't think I could have survived these past few years if I hadn't found Surviving Narcissism and you, Dr. C. I just ordered two Team Healthy T-shirts because I am rising above and taking pride in my healing journey. Thank you for the support and the inspiration.
Wear those shirts proudly!!
11:43 - life is better when you get rid of every one of them. Sacrificing the occasional dopamine rush of their love bombing cannot compare to the experience a fellow empath can provide. There’s nothing to deal with, there’s no boundaries you need to be made known. The only drama there is is what’s on TV. The mutual love and respect builds steadily. If you ever experienced that, you would never entertain this question. I don’t care how aware of their narcissism they are and how hard they are working on themselves, you are still way better off without them. And that’s the cold hard truth.
Hi Dr. Carter, Gus and Team Healthy from California. I used to call him " Brick Brain" because you could not get anything in there. It has been my experience that they are very much aware of what they are doing and will plan ways to make things go the way they want but realize that they are that way naturally and will just act because that is the way they are. Very good session Dr. Carter. We thank you so very much.
The narcs I had to deal with were not ashamed. They loved to shame me, it seemed to entertain them. Sigh.
Shame and blame BS exhausting
Getting angry is human….best statement! What I always say is anger is secondary emotion and it’s good to look at the primary (more vulnerable) emotions triggering Anger to go deeper with what really got to you….do you think this introspection helps us to overcome the confusion of gaslighting? I often find that in myself, looking at the underlying emotion that drives the anger always helps me to understand myself and my reactions to be able to better recognize anger as a protective, or secondary, emotion.
Do you think that showing anger in our reply to the narc. personality is ever helpful? I find that it actually fuels them bc they see my anger as them “getting to me”.
- thanks dr. C!
😊 I love being on Team Healthy!
Pleased!
We enjoy you too Dr. C! More than you’ll ever know! 💕
Thank you, Amanda.
When I tell him how I feel - vulnerable - he makes NO COMMENT
Trust me they know exactly what they are doing
I can literally not have a disagreement with this individual without it resulting in him exploding into shouting and devolving into me being called stunned or stupid. Consistently trying to force his opinions and beliefs on me. The inner anger was shocking to me over the smallest things. Thank you for your informative videos, they have helped me so much to cut loose..
Been there, done that. Now I try my best to avoid any and all conversation.
I really appreciate you sharing your wisdom.
Glad it was helpful!
So helpful indeed
I was married 34 yrs to a narc and he found a new someone and left me. I filed divorce 8 years ago and so thankful for your program. I know I’m free yet I don’t trust my decisions (I went back to school at 59 to be a nurse- all when he said, ‘you’re not smart enough’) I know I need to talk to someone- I had a counselor for a year after graduation- I don’t know where to start.
Thank you to whoever wrote the question, "Am I the Narcissist? I get angry then a shame." And thank you, Dr. C for "it's not yours to carry."
Thank you, Dr. C. The lack of insight and personal growth and change has kept me from having any kind of meaningful relationship with elderly Mom. I have accepted it.
I'm not an angel, I'm just a good person winging it.
emotionally speaking there is just NO point talking to A NARCISSIST. There is just no point trying. Keeping it factual or grey rock is best method with these folk.
I identified with everything he said and got a good chuckle because for me it is all in the past.
Thank you dr Carter❤ your help and support have been invaluable on my healing journey. God bless you❤
Hello Dear Dr C, thank you so much again!
I really needed to hear this today. Im sending you lot's of love and Self energy so you can pass it forward as you gave to us and me. I am more hopefull and inspired as being sad for the loss of my family and my dear fragile narcissistic? Father that is in his last fase of his life.
Visiting him comes with facing more or less his narcissistic family, some of them my family of birth. Im so happy being the Empath, not easy; abandoned, rejected, shamed, blamed, bullied, but feel free and in connection with my spiritual Self as with Source
No. They are not aware. Dr. C you said it perfectly. My Mother taught my sister this way. My sister isn't even aware this was happening to her. I have tried to make her aware over the past few years and now she is in severe anger mode but my sister still models her behavior.
"No it is the brick wall" so very true
It's like banging your head against a brick wall. They do NOT think like other people. Side note: Not on every comment section , but has anybody else noticed how once in a while one shows up to try to torment hurting people on here, mocking , kicking them when they are down and trying to push buttons? Really pathetic. They do on a few popular channels about Narcissism. As always just ignore. Give them no supply.
Dr Carter, this week you helped me to come to terms with the fact that some of the adult children with whom I equally long for meaningful connection AND am scared of (triggered by) - have the characteristics of their father. In the early days the fact that all 10 of them lined up under the narrative of the abuser, was understood as 'parental alienation'. But I see, now, there's something deeper going on . A few of my 10 are 'kind' people - and always were (though I'm the scapegoat and am erased) - but others always had, more or less, the qualities of their father. Even though they were, when little, his victims. I used to appear to others as 'the controller' because I was trying to keep the children as safe as I could, from his wrath. Now the children see me as having been the controller, not knowing what was my motive. If I dont' have to think about them, I get on happily with my new life. When I do have to think about them - or get an occasional email from one of them (by no means all of them) then I'm triggered and back to my old 'jibbering' self that I was before I finally left.... I'm going got sign up with 'this is me'!
2:14 ET Sorry, I’m tagging on from yesterday’s Live. Dr C you are a life-line. I’m pulling up older videos. Thank you!
Glad to know the videos resonate!! Keep learning.
Didn't succeed in securing a competitive promotion at work. The narc won it. I stayed committed to drc. I didn't lose. I'm confident in my commitment. For the best I am sure.
This is so helpful. I am a child of a covert narcissist and your videos really help me to think through it.
Hey hey team healthy God bless you all 🙏😊
My Narcussist and I were leaving Costco. We got to the light and he called his mom. My Narcissist was in his 50s. I could hear the conversation. She was saying that she didnt have any $ to give him. He was starting to argue with her and bargaining with her, then anger. His sister grabbed the phone from the mom and yelled back at him, saying that you dont yell at your mom like that! He yelled at her to put the mom back on the phone and the dad hung up on him. Holy crap. Here I was trying drive. I told the narcussist, that he shouldn't talk to his mom or anybody that way. He never learned.
I think spoiled kids grow up to be narcissistic 95% of the time. My cousins who were spoiled are all middle age Narcs. Absolutely terrible people
@Love is Alive . I believe your right. He had been a very entitled kid. Wealthy parents, and could manipulate his mom easily.
You're awesome Dr C😍🙏✝️🕊️ ... Thank you so much for being a genuinely loving soul. Hugs and kisses to Gus! 🐾🐾😁
You are so kind, Julie. Thanks for the words of encouragement.
@@SurvivingNarcissism I just love that I'm learning so much from you, that when you read the questions .. I answer them the same way you did!! 😁❣️ I'm like, Yessss!! I knew the answer!! Dr C has become my teacher and this student is ready, willing and able! I am proud of my accomplishments, I am moving forward all because I'm a Team HEALTHY student for life!! Thank you again Dr C 🙏✝️🕊️ God bless you 🌹
This one was GOLDEN!! So many relatable facts that hit MY own experiences, and tools that are so useful!! Thank You !!!!
I tried to talk to the narcissists in the family and they blow up, accuse, and refuse to listen so I don't approach them anymore, I just avoid them. Gaslighting is almost the only way these people communicate, there is no honesty and no focus on the problem, they go straight to character assassination. This anger was the only way my parents operated about the silliest things that my brothers operate exactly the same way. There is never any "working something out", so they just treat me badly for daring to try to figure it out. I believe its because they are guilty of rudeness and they know it, that's why they rage. An innocent person would be shocked, not angry. I was shocked when I realized my entire family lives on an infantile plain all the time. I appreciate your videos very much because it has helped me to establish boundaries without guilt. I hate it when they pressure us to do things we don't want to do, then judge us for not doing what they do.
Oh gosh isn't it the worst being the only "sane" family member? This had been my life for over 50 years. I don't like to be mean but I'm so tired of their bs and I want MY life back-or rather start!
@@Ioncandi I learned that if we remain with mean family we become like them. They goad us into responses that are not kind but if we choose not to respond badly, they will get worse so the only option is to get away from them. They see kindness as weakness and it makes them step up their game.
Dr. Carter, I am a stay at home mom with many young children with my narcissist husband (undiagnosed). He is neglectful and abandoning to them, so right now I have decided to try and stay well for their safety and my peace of mind. The worst danger to doing this is his collecting toys (action figures) coping mechanism and lying. Is there any way to stay and not end up in the continuous financial quicksand that I have experienced during my 23 years being his wife? Can you flesh out what staying well would look like in your opinion? Thanks so much.
Thank you Dr C : )
I wish I would stop doubting myself.
What a great refreshing attitude.
2:58 ET PROJECTION! YES!! He’s a Recovery Pastor and uses those steps-like your teaching-AGAINST ME!!! 😢
Thank you for addressing the last question. It is hard but the more one learns about the behavior you gain tools to make better decisions to lead a healthier life.
Your videos have provided me with many answers Dr. C. Thank you. ❤
You don't need my approval but you've got it anyway. SO glad you have shared such right-on information. I went through two years of hell. Everything you stated was my experience/discovery. Thankfully I found NPD podcasts during the lockdown. I am an empath/magnet. Your insights helped me regain my strengths and grow beyond the experience. It took a lot of conscious determination as I outgrew his tactics and deceit.
Not mine to have to carry!
Thank you
Right before the 24.49 mark, my husband called me narcissist, when I was watching one of your videos a few months ago. I giggled & said "says the person who's narcissistic"! Oh he got so pissed at me 😱🤣, oops my bad, I guess I shouldn't have said that! I still think it's funny. I have a weird sense of humor anyway. But yep maybe my narcissist will go no contact with me, trash took itself out.
My point!!
Watching replay. Very good advice here. I missed so much while in live chat. I'm hearing it much better now as I listen during household chores 👍📝📌📋 to self. Listen to Dr C's advice, commit to memory
I always listen again anyway 🙂
Your awesome Dr. Carter! You've been so helpful with your info! God Bless You!
Glad it was helpful!
Dr C, I notice many people on Team Healthy doubt themselves when a person accuses them of being narcissistic. Personally, I ask myself if anyone other than the accuser has insinuated I exhibit narcissism. I always come up with the same answer: "No". Just for the record, I strongly believe the narcissist in my life is aware of her tactics.
Hi Doctor Carter I listen to all of your tutorials and its changed my life for the better having had a Narcissist Father and Sister but not knowing that they both were. Father was a grandiose type Sister is a covert type so true you put the traits of Narcissism can,t wait for your next lesson.
Thank you so much DR. Carter for sharing your thoughts, advice and, and experience with us. I have been listening to you for a few weeks. I have learned so much, and feel I have grown stronger!
So pleased!! Glad to be on the path with you.
You and all ur hard work have helped me so much! GOD bless u, Dr. C💓🙏🕊!!
My daughter is a narcissist. She’s 55 years old. After many years of emotional torture by her, I’ve decided to go no contact. Her sister who is 52 is able to keep her at arms length. I’m afraid she judges me because I have not been able to be around the narcissist and function well. I don’t want to be judged by my younger daughter. I’m doing the best I can.
You must do what is best for your mental and emotional health. Full stop.
@@AAXS-op1vo thank you. I need support so badly.
@@beverlyadams7205 and you HAVE it right here. Honor your own health and peace and ruthlessly do what has to be done to protect yourself. Loving yourself enough to protect yourself is not selfish.
God bless you. Your explanations are so helpful. I know you haven’t been the only source of info and help for me but I also know you have been the most helpful. I see from other comments to you that many others are also very grateful for you. Please let your dear wife know that we dairy cows are grateful to her, also. 😉🙏💞
Listening to you for the past five years. You have really helped me get through a lot!!
Good morning all!
Good morning, Fred!!
Dr. Les, like you I had a guy also pressure me over and over to drink beer and got mad when I never agreed to do it. They want you to be at their level or else. Very sad.
“Let’s just talk “ That is not a healthy engagement for my narcissist😮 running into a brick wall!
Yes I’ve been very angry…
She has my email, she just does not want to talk! My own daughter😢🦋
She is the queen of gaslighting🤪
Thank you Dr. C and team healthy😅
This video is an answer to my prayers 🙏 Dr.C and thanks for bringing up offspring as one of the topics today.
I got to admit, and I'm probably not the only one. I'm struggling at home.
I have 2 lovely lads aged 20+ living at home with me. They are both well educated and I honestly think I have done my best bringing them up. Firm but fair. I have disabilities but don't dwell...maybe sometimes.
Both have addictions.
I don't feel they are fully narcissistic.
Your talk today reaffirmed the direction I need to take about reinforcing boundaries. They help at home a bit...not enough.
There may be a time we're They will HAVE to leave as I can't manage 💔
I would prefer this to be a natural progression as I have lost people through narcissistic circumstances.
You've shown me a way forward and, as usual, I will rewatch.
Gratitude to yourself, Gus and Team Healthy 🙏 ❤
I'd reply: 'Stay strong,' Amanda~but you obviously possess great strength 💪,as is quite clear on TH! I hope your lads find a treatment program and success within it to attain balance in their lives. 💙I ushered my son through a BP one diagnosis. It was the most utterly gut wrenching thing I've experienced w/ my child, and I received NO understanding and support from my former Narc spouse throughout. My son is now thriving, with the precise therapy and meds. The breakthrough is astounding! He is getting his ducks in a row w/ career, relationship, etc. He has made the conscious decision that he does not want children of his own, which is quite responsible, given his mental health diagnosis. Know that I, and many others are keeping a good thought for you and your lads as you navigate from here on.💜🤗
Thanks for sharing this, Amanda. So pleased you are such a vital member of #TeamHealthy
@@SurvivingNarcissism Thank YOU!
This was exactly what I needed 🙏
@@istateyourname4710 Thank-you so much for your kindness. This is the only place I can speak my mind without being judged.
I'm sorry but I don't know what BP one is? You too sound as you've had challenges and I'm glad your son is on the right track.
My eldest son lived with girlfriend for a while after she had my granddaughter. But they lived with her mum and it didn't work. He came home + a dog. I would
never have let him back in if I'd known he was on cannabis. He teaches IT. I worry that he will get with someone who will 'pick up' after him. I don't and that's why there is conflict.
The youngest is at uni studying nutrition, ironically, and has a problem with alcohol! He claims to have been bullied by the eldest. Meanwhile, there are occasions that they both pick on me.
Yep it's difficult.
As you say, there isn't much support. I tried to get counselling for the eldest when he was young but he wouldn't go.
The youngest is going to be going to counselling through the uni.
I understand that parenting is difficult but at least if I have some ideas or a plan I will battle through.
Thanks again for your much appreciated support. Take care ❤
@@amandaliverpool3374 Sorry, I should have clarified Bipolar disorder 1. We're here for you, as you are for us on TH. Take good care as well.
I needed this. Thank you! I do struggle with the kick-me game because of my adult offspring.
With tremendous gratitude to my God, for giving humanity the science of Psychology & heroes like Dr Les Carter, Dr Ramani, Dr Judy Rosenberg…I am no longer confused about the pattern of narcissistic behavorial then Fr David Nix, Sr Miriam, Fr Burns … who integrate St Thomas Aquinas’ Christian Virtues applied to this societal pandemic:Narcissism✝️🙏🏻♥️
I pray daily for them🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻
Do they have a conscience?
I wonder, since there isn’t ever remorse or a desire to repair the damage they do to relationships.
Do a search for my video about the narcissist's underdeveloped conscience.
BTW, your moniker is the quintessential summary for Christianity.
Nailed them. Flipping text book.
Thanks Dr Carter
My wife keeps telling me I don't discuss things with her - but I have given up, as she will always deflect and never resolve the issue - and then project, or uses ridiculous non-logic. Oh, and she had the temerity to accuse me of gaslighting her because I questioned one of her minor decisions.
I started a discussion of our joint finances (as she had requested) and in fewer than three minutes it has become a rant about how awful I was at getting things fixed around the house, or even getting my own stuff fixed (which has no impact on her). Unbelievable - and then she tells me I need to show her that she is a priority for me.
I think some tactics were very purposeful. Gaslighting was so bad that I felt I was behind a soundproof glass wall separating me from the rest of society. I recall narcissist bragging about taking a course in POW tactics
Military?
I have had these tactics used on me personally, nasty
My husband is a narcissist. I just gave up on him. He treats me horribly. He lives in my house and won’t leave.
Can't you get a no fault divorce? Maybe sell the house, move, and don't tell him where you're going.
Yeah, my pain. When I bring it up it's as though I deliberately chose to be in this pain so I should own both cause and effect.
Is this physical pain? I have fibromyalgia and when I have a 'flare up' people say 'what did YOU do to cause it?' or 'rest' or if I rest I'm 'lazy' 🙄 Take care 🙏
Yes and “you got hurt” because “you did something to me and I had to respond.”
Dr C: QUESTION ⁉️ Please provide advice on just HOW to maneuver forgiving a narcissist without becoming their victim again. Big topic but some pointers would be very helpful to me. I like the idea of forgiveness because it's freeing to me to be my old self again which was kind, friendly, generous & loving. But now after sustained narc attacks over the period of years I've learned I MUST avoid & TRY to maintain boundaries with these narcissists I must unfortunately endure if/when total avoidance of them isn't yet possible
Thank you Dr. Carter.
Team healthy indeed 👍
Thank-you so much. It helps to hear a mature, kind voice.
I’ve tried Every Way of reasoning from Anger to Kindness. No Empathy! I’m the toxic, demonic one. 😢
I also want to mention that it was rude for that man to assume you appreciated his purchase of Bear..He did not ask you what you wanted or weather if you liked it. Plus he should never have pressured you. That was thoughtless. The intent was demanding. I think you did the right thing. He tried to force what he likes on you.
I think the question of being an empath living w/narc was more about the empath absorbing the swing in moods; since one literally can feel like they are wearing anothers' emotions without even thinking about it. My experience says that empaths have a responsibility to themselves to be in charge of that gift. You can define it and chose to apply it appropriately. That doesnt mean you won't be caught off gaurd and get feelings you cant shake. At those times exercise some quick assessments and remember what you defined as appropriate application of your empathy. Dont make yourself a victim in this regard. That goes for interacting with the world at large. Overcoming requires work on principles, morals, knowing who you are and living intentionally. You dont have to squelch your gift once in charge of it. That being said I would say the success of living with a difficult person depends how far down the narc spectrum they are. When it is severe where they really cannot hear you life gets lonely and develops a strong sense of not being genuine trying to create a common ground all the time with a gaslighter or suffer wrath or a physical threat. You can start to feel fake. Life becomes confusing and immoral as an empath here because in your heart you know the truth and you are giving your time and energy and gifts to a lie if it is an intimate relationship. Perhaps having strong boundaries with a "doable" narc would make you feel empowered and keep order in your home so that you can contentfully go about your life day to day. I could see that if you dont fool yourself or interact expecting something that narc just doesnt have to give. My mom stayed with my narc dad till the end; almost 60 years and loved him. We all loved him and appreciated things about him though he was hurtful and so frustrating and dismissive etc. The Holy Spirit taught my siblings and I so much through the relationship. It did not change on his death bed either. Truly some things are left undone. But we are ok with that. Myself, there came a point of no return with my exhusband as over time I had lived out that advise I gave above which was deeply threatening to him. It got too dangerous and I had to give up my marriage and take my kids. The best advise I think is start today with eyes wide open and honestly assess it all. My personal feelings are not to get involved in any meaningful way with such a difficult person. Regardless in life we do not escape all the hard stuff or pain. Jesus takes care of that.He is our comforter and counselor.
So helpful! Thanks so much❣️
Glad it was helpful!
Sometimes I find myself behaving exactly like him, but only with him. So I feel like a narcissist myself. I feel that he is turning me into a person like him. Is this even possible?
Yes! I did too and it does not feel good. RUN!!!
Hi Dr Carter Gus and Team Healthy
Hi Stacy!
Dr. Carter has a birthday coming up btw!😁
Did a little birdie tell you that?
@@SurvivingNarcissism no! I just remembered! I saw my first robin today! Hope that's a good sign for Spring is on it's way!😁
DR.C QUESTION My narcissistic father in law after constant grey rock technique, has raged on me in the past. He always says at some point in the rage “idk if you’re scared of me or whatever.” as if he’s trying to get me to admit I am (I’m not). I simply don’t want to put the mental energy into dialogue because it’s not conversation and instead always coercion with him. This last outburst ended with him saying “You know I’m not the type of guy you mess with. You certainly don’t want to find out either.” Should I take this generally as a real threat? My wife brushed it off immediately as “oh you know he’s just bad with words, he’s got a temper, that’s what I dealt with my whole life.” I’ve kept my mouth shut for over a decade now and it’s getting to the point where he simply can’t take a hint. How should I proceed?
Protect yourself by any means necessary.
When someone threatens you, always take it seriously. You deserve better treatment. I think you need to talk to your wife first then set boundaries with your father-in-law. Hope this helps.
I haven’t listened to the video yet, but I always jump to the comments lol. The end of your comment is some thing I’ve been studying lately. It’s called projective identification process. We all do it to some degree but it’s a favorite unconscious behavior of the narcissist. So he knows he’s a criminal, but he disowns that part of himself (shame he doesn’t want to face) so he projects that onto other (you) and he’s trying to get you to identify with that. Meaning what you’re saying treating you like you’re the criminal when it’s him. And you’re poor wife is so used to his behavior that she’s learned to minimize it. She had to for safety in childhood. His behavior can be so maddening, but when you realize the process that’s happening, it can help to not feel so frustrated with it. So when he treats you like the criminal that he is just say in your own mind oh, there’s that projective identification process that he’s trying to pin on to me (his disowned criminal stuff). He won’t be able to see that he does it. It’s very unconscious and the shame he feels about being a criminal is too much to face so he has project it, push it outside of himself on to someone else. Just keep doing what you’re doing and don’t identify with it, and that includes defending self to him regarding the projection. It’s so strange, but then you’re engaging with the projection, and that creates the identification. Truly, it’s a type of break with reality. A denial of it. So again, I know how maddening it is but deep breath it’s just him showing you his unconscious pain that he can’t face.
Oh yeah I forgot to mention another major reason I stay far away from narcs is the lack of genuine empathy that goes with this disorder...Because by default they WON'T feel any genuine guilt/remorse at the ⌚ of doing something horrible to another person or even afterwards.There's a lot of especially bad traits among narcs.
Take it very seriously. It is foremost verbal abuse. You become the projection I agree but the abuser reality controls the projection or said another way he has expectations of how the projection will act. Patrica Evans in a podcast interview told of a client abuser that he beat his partner just because she looked at the mail instead of joining him in the kitchen to participate in cooking a gourmet meal that he rarely does. This man had all the burners going to surprise his wife when she got home from work and when she glanced down at the mail instead of entering the kitchen as he expected his 'projection' to do he lost control and beat her for the first time in the abusive relationship. Also he could flip the script and accuse you of harming or abusing him to authorities. Chat with your county crisis intervention representative at the Sheriff's office and you will better understand what they are capable of and the extent of damage they could bring into your life. If he is ever in your home at the time he makes a claim of you abusing him you could lose your rights to your own home for up to five years or longer. You have to act first. He is disempowering you. How are your dreams? Are you having nightmares? If so your subconscious is trying to get your attention.
thank you for touching on the narcissistic adult child parental relationship. I'm going thru this bs now. she seemed to have developed the mindset after the birth of her second child(a difficult beginning). I would appreciate further explanation on this particular relationship for better understanding.
Yep. This morning I’ve heard these dumb statements
“We’d have a fun great marriage if you would just be sweet to me” and “your the one that’s hostile stop being hostile and have fun”
It’s dumstounding, confounding ludicrous!
2:00 ET It’s hard for me to believe my Addiction Recovery pastor hubs-32 yrs- knows what he’s doing! He BELIEVES He’s Right! Which is where my confusion comes in…😢