Take it from a survivor of a 28-year narc marriage. Psychological and emotional abuse. The what and why they act the way they do doesn't matter. No amount of understanding is enough. I believe they do not change. Get yourself somewhere safe. Grieve and mourn the life you thought you would have, but did not and will not materialize. Love yourself!!!!! And go on with your life. And lastly, don't let anyone ever suck the life out of you again. Am I bitter? No, but so much wiser.
I didn’t realize that was my situation until recently and I’ve been wondering all these 50 years about so many things, thinking it was me. Now I’m 76 and too old to do anything about it but learn how to survive.
When I was being accused of being crazy, I was very anxious and confused with PTSD and I spoke to a psychiatrist in my panic. He said such accusations are pretty common. I was desperate about their many unjust accusations and wasted years trying to reason with, please them, begging with tears, tolerating their contempt, sometimes losing my temper, then apologising, etc. When I learned about narcissistic abuse and parental alienation, in my fifties, I accepted that they think I'm a "crazy f***ing b*tch" and "mentally sick with religion" (and my husband was accused of "not taking responsibility" for me). I let them go at last and let them think what they like. They are eaten up with irrational hatred, resentment and contempt. If you're a scapegoat, you can't win back those who make up their minds against you.
It comes down to, I got to hurt you to feel better about myself. If the narcissist uses rage they will make something up to scream about. How does this raging make a narcissist regulate themselves? Narcissists are so cowardly and superficial. They use the most dysfunctional, unethical ways to deal with things.
"They will make something up to scream about" lol aint that the truth. I had this happen to me on sunday as this narc bitch decided in her head that i was rushing her or making her feel bad (which neither are true) for caring for her grandmother. Here i am casually sitting just doing my own thing and i get raged at because apparently she was overwhelmed by trying to control every aspect of everyone elses life. Its really insane how they can do this and talk themselves into believing it. It becomes laughable at a certain point.....
I relate to the scapegoated person with the narcissistic mother who has alienated them from loved ones, but they don't want to let go of their mother for fear of losing the alienated ones. I was in the same situation. I finally realised I had already lost the alienated ones, decades before. If they have sided with your mother, however passively, or especially if they've bullied you for her, just let go, grieve the loss and make a new life for yourself with whatever is left. I finally have peace and healing, away from the drama. If they're alienated, then they've made up their minds against you, and you can't change that. I'm sorry you have this grief ... it's agony. But you can be free! I found the book Mothers who Can't Love by Susan Forward helpful for processing.
My ex looked like a teenager until all of the sudden he looked older than a grandpa. His bottle of wine habit every night and caused him to be obese. He’s fat phobic so he’s angry all the time (hungover) and hates me because I’m not like him. I think it’s poetic justice.
Thank-you, Dr. Carter. I have a greater understanding of the narcissistic injury along with explaining the base of my pain in being in a relationship with a narcissist. I think your podcasts are immeasurable.
Hey Dr. C, I started learning about Narcissism and NPD about 4 years ago and I realized that was what I was dealing with after 42 years of marriage. I brought it up with my Psychiatrist and he said “Well they’re not all bad, they do have some good characteristics.” My question is: Do they have some good characteristics?
IMHO, the answer to your q is nuanced and complex. (Arguably), narcassism is a spectrum, with each stage on the spectrum having varying degrees of severity. A tiger is pretty calm until it's hungry or feels threatened..... If we flip your question around to "do healthy people have some bad characteristics " we might see that it's kinda not a simple yes or no answer. (I think your q would warrant an entire video by itself) The main difference between healthy and unhealthy is the intent of any behaviour
Enjoyed the Q&A with Thais Gibson yesterday. Is the biggest difference between a Dismissive Avoidant and a Covert Narcissist the rage that the Narcissist has?
How do I apologize to a Narc sibling?. I didn’t act in my best light when being literally mimicked in a “tone” but I feel I could have responded with more D.R.C. My response has actually have them stonewalling me which is a wonderful and much needed break. But I know I was wrong and would like to apologize but not start this relationship again.
You are reflecting on your response, which is healthy. Don't beat yourself up too much. What's done is done. Reflecting is part of the learning journey, and you'll be better for it. A time will come when you and your sibling have the opportunity to put things right. (Apologising is a complex thing...open to being taken / interpreted in ways you may not intend)
1. Narcissistic Injury.. The most important part for me is not to justify their behavior.. Yes I can understand if they have been injured but it is no excuse for injuring others.. 2. Rage.. I put this in the same category with Resentment.. I don't understand it.. I just know it is what it is.. Do I want to be around it? 3. My anger.. I think I am at the point where I know the difference between me and them is that I get angry and they are an angry person.. Today was a beautiful day so I had beautiful thoughts except when I saw stuff that wasn't beautiful.. My thoughts and feelings guide me through life. Anger is either guiding me away or towards something. 4. Accelerates while we are calm.. To me that is the difference between them and us.. They are in chaos and we are in peace.. 5. Rages and insults and then wants intimacy.. It could be the other way around too... Where they are nice and then they rage.. Hot and cold.. 6. Can't remove the narcissist.. This is an interesting one.. There is a person where I live that I can't stand.. My thing is if I ask my Higher Power to remove them I do not know what is coming after.. This person does suck but there are worse out there... 7. Cut you down in a group setting to gain flying monkies... I have had this happen to me multiple times by multiple people.. Then I start focusing on who are the flying monkies and then I need to remove myself from them.. 8. Does the military create narcissists.. What comes to mind is why do people go into the military? I know there are many politicians that were in the military.. Do all people that go into the military do it to serve the country? I know the military does offer stuff like room and board and food and college.. Also people that served in the military are perceived in a certain way.. It seams like our culture says that we "honor" our military.. At least we have holidays that honor military.. 9. Call us insane.. The main thing for me is to believe myself rather than them.. Then to protect myself from them.. 10. Said something that I did not want to say-How do I forgive myself? There are some times that I have acted not the way I wanted to act and when I replay those instances in my mind I realize that I actually got the results that I was looking for.. It might not have been the way I wanted it done.. There is no need for forgiveness.. ACA says that we do not need to make amends to people that have harmed us.. I like that.. Also, if I am in situations that don't cause me to act in the way that I don't want to then I would rather stay in those situations.. 11. Lazy.. I am originally from southern Wisconsin.. When I moved to the Mississippi Gulf Coast I was like !@#$ are these people slow... Without them saying anything thing they were like "He is pushy, greedy, arrogant, never satisfied, and the list goes on and on." When I accepted for how it was down there I loved it.. Then I moved up to Northern Wisconsin and it was that laid back lifestyle and I loved that too.. I am ok with being called "Lazy" from people who are pushy, greedy, arrogant, never satisfied and the list goes on and on..
Hi, Dr. C. Doing much better 🙂. Life is balancing out a bit and not just focusing on narcissism 24/7. I really needed that 24/7 support initially. I'm so glad your channel was available to provide it. I have very little support otherwise but may have started to find a viable support group. My dog is doing better, though I had to increase her medication. She's still very sweet and doesn't seem to be suffering any side effects. I can access much more of my 0-20 years but still hold them at a distance and approach my past with caution. I'm sure that that part of my life was probably better than most people's; I figure I'm just not yet strong enough to handle all the negativity that comes with it. Take care of yourself. I really hope your voice recovers soon. (I'll probably continue to take a bit of a channel break for a little longer-- may be another week. Though the break means I slip a little in my anti-narcissism skills.)
Why do people fall for everything the narcissist says? People who have known me my whole life must believe the smears and it must be pretty terrible evil for them to reject me. Whatever. I don’t need family and as long as I keep my friends separate I’m okay. My ex hurt me as bad as anyone could and thought it would ruin my self esteem. Instead he ruined my ability to care for anybody. I’m glad I’m old because. I’m done. There’s no sense in finding one more person who ends up predatory
Every word of your comment resonated with me. I'm sorry you've experienced this. I'm glad you said you're ok if you keep your friends separate. It's shocking how common smear campaigns are. I have learned not to give a gnats whisker about smears and untruths said about me, to people I care about. The power is within you to hold on to and re discover your own goodness. True genuine friends will never believe smears without questioning and evidence Anyone who does, you don't need. Smear campaigns happen. Just remember you are worth more. Ultimately, YOU know the truth about you, and it matters not one jot if some people believe the smears. Live your true, honest best life, with DRC, and you'll be ok, and you'll find decent people
I totally understand where you are coming from...yet I am so sad to believe that you would cut the joy of your own life short for a demon. We have one life. You are obviously a beautiful empathetic person with a beautiful individual purpose. The narcissist in your life wanted to stop your purpose and shut you down. My question is...WILL YOU STAND FOR THAT?! They would NEVER EVER EVER EVER have targeted you if you weren't special or of worth. Do you really want to give in to an unfulfilled life because of a relationship with a person incapable of love, empathy, and mutual respect? Every person is NOT toxic. There is HOPE. And you deserve a beautiful respectful and mutual future.
I would love to know more about the dynamic where nothing can be discussed because the narcissist is always 'right' and not open to hearing anything. Then, when things go poorly, it's your fault because you did your own thing instead of what they wanted you to. I am portrayed as difficult because I don't just go along with what they want. I am 'difficult' because I did not coordinate with them, even though it is him that refuses to coordinate or, if he does agree to something, won't stand by his word. Like, I have come radically accept this, for the most part, but I would love to understand what is actually going through his head. Or is the answer to that question "Nothing."? I guess my real question is, when they project onto you, do they really consciously believe the projection, while subconsciously having some idea of what they are doing, as evidenced by how resistant they are to discussing what is happening in a conflict and only wanting to push their shame onto someone else even more desperately should someone try to start a discussion?
My notes with time stamps: 1:42 They're so empty on the inside they don't have the necessary strength to remain steady, so they count on you to set their pace for them. When you don't do it, then they try to overwhelm you and make you be an enabler of them. 2:57 Q: "How do we know if a narcissist has experienced narcissistic injury?" Dr. C: The rage is an off offshoot of the injury. Whatever they're trying to convey to you, the message is much more about their internal disarray and chaos than it is about you. "You've got to defer to me." "I must have YOUR coordination so that I can get out of pain." (MY NOTE: One-way coordination is subjugation. Yes?) If you say "We could have done it this way instead of that way.", as far as they're concerned "You just insulted my character." "I can't believe that you just said that to me!" They can't be objective. 7:06 Q: "Why is rage the foundation for narcissists?" Dr. C: Anger is secondary to other issues. There's much more going on behind the scenes that they have not come to terms with. The injured narcissist can have a lot of assumptions such as "If I don't get to you first and destroy you, then you're going to destroy me." They have this deep fear of being dismissed and disrespected. So they dismiss and disrespect you. They say "I want to be treated well" by treating another person poorly. They're so caught up in the subjective element that they can't think objectively. Even if this is a person who prides themselves on being stoic, they are being very emotionally driven. Much of this is on a subconscious level. It's so habituated that they hardly even think about it, but it goes back to choices that have been made many times over in their own history. 10:49 Q: "How do I get rid of the anger that I have regarding that narcissist?" Dr. C: Sometimes you just can't run away from anger. It's not about destroying someone. It's about appropriate self-preservation, appropriate self-care. Determine what your higher priorities are. "I've been hurt, but unlike the narcissist I don't want that to be central to who I am. What other priorities might I be able to appeal to that will keep me from making anger central?" 15:30 Q: "What do you do with a person who accelerates when you're calm and empathetic?" Dr. C: When you have clean assertiveness and you set your own base, the narcissist is thinking "You're messing with me." They'll read sinister motives into your calmness. As opposed to them thinking "I appreciate you not getting triggered. Thank you for trying to be a voice of reason." They can't think that way because it's there you're illustrating "You're not getting to me. I'm not going to let you call my shots." They can't handle that. You could appease and go into the enablement mode. "I apologize for standing my ground." Is that what you want to do? Or you can hold on to your calm firmness. I like that one. 18:59 Q: "How is it that the narcissist rages and insults me and then wants to be intimate soon after?" Dr. C: An hour later or later on that night it's like "You want to go have some funsies?" and it's like "I'm over here struggling. I'm hurting." It's their way of saying "I think that I just destroyed a source of positive reinforcement toward me. I'm still craving affirmation. Do you want to give me affirmation here?" So it's their way of continuing the theme that says "I've got to have you subject to me. I've got to have you doing whatever is necessary for me so that I can finally feel good." Sexuality is about affirmation, hopefully it's a pure statement that says "You're extremely important to me. I want to be connected with you at a much higher, even spiritual, level." I want to make sure that when I engage in that action with you, that it's built upon mutual respect, as a opposed to filling your psychological empty bucket. It's not my job to take care of their wounds in a way where I feel used. 22:50 Q: "What does a person do when they can't remove the narcissist? I'm the scapegoat with my mother. She's 90 years old and has alienated me from my father and three siblings. My father is weak in character and my siblings are afraid of her. If I remove her, I lose all of them? How do I recover and live healthy with this scenario?" Dr. C: You don't have to convince them of anything, but you can let them know where you're coming from. "When the temperature goes way up and I know that this is going to be one of our times, I'm going to excuse myself." "I'm reasonable and I'm going to let my reasonableness stand. If you don't understand it, that's on you." 28:31 Q: "Is it characteristic of a narcissist to openly cut you down in a group setting to gain flying monkeys?" Dr. C: It's not at all unusual. Narcissists are injured souls and so they want people around them to say "You're so wonderful." They'll manipulate and maneuver people to think that they're wonderful. 31:45 Q: "Does the military create narcissists? It seems like the boot camp system of breaking someone down and building them back up messes with a person's psyche." Dr. C: There's always the chance that someone inside an organization is going to take their authority and milk it for all its worth. 35:35 Q: "What about when they call you insane or malicious or evil if you don't believe them? They tell a dozen obvious lies in 10 minutes and yet rage at you for not trusting them." Dr. C: They try to have a control over you so that you'll be their relief outlet. Their pronouncements are not trustworthy, so hold that in mind. 38:23 Q: "I disappointed with myself and I'm having a hard time getting past it. I allowed someone to push and push until I blew it and I said something pretty horrible. How do I forgive myself?" Dr. C: We've talked about reactive abuse before. I am a bit hesitant to use the word abuse in the context there. Sometimes your sense of futility is so high that it pops out, but it can give the appearance of abuse. It's the ultimate game of gotcha. Remind yourself just because that person goaded me into something negative, doesn't mean that my character is rotten and I'm going to illustrate that by taking responsibility for who I am. 42:09 Q: "Would you address the dynamic in which one which someone gives some time to self-care and the narcissist treats them as if they're being lazy? I pour myself into understanding our relationship dynamics and understanding the effects his abusive family had on him. But then when I want to do some self-care to de-stress and enjoy life, he acts like I'm lazy." Dr. C: You say, "I need to take a break" or "I want to take a nap" or "I want to go watch a movie" or "I want to just relax", and the narcissist responds with, "You're lazy." What they're saying "I've got to come up with some sort of negative word to make you feel guilty so that I can pull you back over here into my schemes." That's not the definition of lazy. Laziness is more of a passive aggressive thing. Self-care is not the same thing as lazy. Let's not let them be the final word. They're speaking from a position of neediness and injury and a craving for dominance. (Thank you for answering my question, Dr. C!!!) 44:45 "I'm going to be as appropriate as I can. If you don't want to join me, then continue in your own dysfunction, but I'm not going to go into that space. I feel good about me. Not about us, but I feel good about me. I'm not going to be a participant in your chaos."
Another variation of the “lazy” comment. My husband had a wife of 13 years before me, and she developed Lyme disease. He was so bent out of shape over that, that when she was sick and needed to rest he said she was lying milking it, trying to get sympathy and attention. Now anytime when I get sick he treats me so poorly. As if I’m weak and he gets so irritated if I need to rest. The other day after we left a restaurant I was telling my mom my stomach hurt (stupid gluten) and as soon as we got in the vehicle he starts in telling the car group his stomach hurt. Making it a big deal. He wanted all the attention so he wouldn’t have to acknowledge my pain. It’s sooooooooo weird!!!!!!!!
They impugn your character without a second thought, you say one thing unwittingly that pings them and everything comes down on you. Imo it's completely irresponsible of my parents to have had a child when they're so incapable of any nurturing. It was a selfish decision. Being a sensitive, intuitive, questioning, intelligent child the confusion, anger rages and passive aggression destroyed me. Then when you're either mentally or physically ill theu go on to blame and shame. In retrospect it's unbelievable. Only way I'd have been okay is if I could have my near 60 year old brain when I was 5 years old. I had the most ridiculous conversation with my mother a week ago where she wrote off and explained my feelings over and current event away! She gave her reasoning, now I know not to believe these lies. They're all for her self protection and nothing about me. Truly these people need psychiatrists!
When should I give up and accept that a person is not who I thought they were. I look back at the ten years of cycling through abuse and trauma and pain/suffering I endured in this relationship and somehow my mind keeps telling me he’s just misunderstanding and if he could only see the truth, then he’d be the person he used to be to me. I’m so angry that he won’t even talk to me about it. Is it best to just cut losses and cut off all contact with this person?
My mum is 86 and totally broken after a lifetime of criticism and toxic control from my dad. They met when she was 14. She can't even say yes or no when I offer a cup of tea or coffee without seeking permission from my dad about what she can have because he has trained her that she is not allowed / incapable/ unworthy of making any decisions for herself. It's never too late to live your own healthy true honest life, with DRC. Your comment tells me you realise you deserve better than how you are currently being treated. Everyone deserves DRC, every day. Good luck. You are here, learning. You are worth it, and always have been
Still have had no refund or comment about the workshop that I paid for….I do hope you are going to,sort the problem out. I did not get email with zoom address and I definitely paid.. Judy hogarth
Hi Dr C, Just a quick question, do Narcissists have/want children? I noticed a member of my family seems to be close to her niece, but although being married 10 years there’s no sign of children, I know and understand that there are LOTS of reasons why they might not have had children, and it’s a very personal matter, but I would class this person as a narcissist by the way they have treated me in the past and often wondered why children have not been something that have ever been mentioned in all the years of their marriage. I understand I could well be way off the mark by asking this, but how do narcissists handle rearing their children? Are there specific things that crop up with Narcissistic Mothers/Fathers?
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My reactive abuse would often end up going against some perfectly innocent soul. That’s what woke me up.
Take it from a survivor of a 28-year narc marriage. Psychological and emotional abuse. The what and why they act the way they do doesn't matter. No amount of understanding is enough. I believe they do not change. Get yourself somewhere safe. Grieve and mourn the life you thought you would have, but did not and will not materialize. Love yourself!!!!! And go on with your life. And lastly, don't let anyone ever suck the life out of you again. Am I bitter? No, but so much wiser.
❤️
Agree, I learned the hard way, they don't change, just taking a bit of time to heal! 😢😢😢
I didn’t realize that was my situation until recently and I’ve been wondering all these 50 years about so many things, thinking it was me. Now I’m 76 and too old to do anything about it but learn how to survive.
@@marilynmiller874 Same for me but somehow I still have dreams and projects to do, and maybe some day finish. Who Knows?
In reading your comment I felt as if it was me. That has been exactly so with me
Cheers Dr. C and all people who have suffered, blessings to you good folk. Maybe we all are better off just living alone.
Dr C Your voice needs rest. We care!!!! Helped us so much… please take care of yourself.
When I was being accused of being crazy, I was very anxious and confused with PTSD and I spoke to a psychiatrist in my panic. He said such accusations are pretty common. I was desperate about their many unjust accusations and wasted years trying to reason with, please them, begging with tears, tolerating their contempt, sometimes losing my temper, then apologising, etc. When I learned about narcissistic abuse and parental alienation, in my fifties, I accepted that they think I'm a "crazy f***ing b*tch" and "mentally sick with religion" (and my husband was accused of "not taking responsibility" for me). I let them go at last and let them think what they like. They are eaten up with irrational hatred, resentment and contempt. If you're a scapegoat, you can't win back those who make up their minds against you.
It comes down to, I got to hurt you to feel better about myself. If the narcissist uses rage they will make something up to scream about. How does this raging make a narcissist regulate themselves? Narcissists are so cowardly and superficial. They use the most dysfunctional, unethical ways to deal with things.
"They will make something up to scream about" lol aint that the truth. I had this happen to me on sunday as this narc bitch decided in her head that i was rushing her or making her feel bad (which neither are true) for caring for her grandmother. Here i am casually sitting just doing my own thing and i get raged at because apparently she was overwhelmed by trying to control every aspect of everyone elses life. Its really insane how they can do this and talk themselves into believing it. It becomes laughable at a certain point.....
Yes, I think that about sums things up.
Thanks Dr.C and Team Healthy ❤️
Thank you for your invaluable help and support dr Carter ❤
Dr. C has aced it once again.
Great questions today . Just what I needed to learn. Thank you Dr. C and team healthy.
Thanks...I love getting the Q's!
I relate to the scapegoated person with the narcissistic mother who has alienated them from loved ones, but they don't want to let go of their mother for fear of losing the alienated ones. I was in the same situation. I finally realised I had already lost the alienated ones, decades before. If they have sided with your mother, however passively, or especially if they've bullied you for her, just let go, grieve the loss and make a new life for yourself with whatever is left. I finally have peace and healing, away from the drama. If they're alienated, then they've made up their minds against you, and you can't change that. I'm sorry you have this grief ... it's agony. But you can be free! I found the book Mothers who Can't Love by Susan Forward helpful for processing.
Thank you!
My ex looked like a teenager until all of the sudden he looked older than a grandpa. His bottle of wine habit every night and caused him to be obese. He’s fat phobic so he’s angry all the time (hungover) and hates me because I’m not like him. I think it’s poetic justice.
Did he make fun of obese people when he was thin? Happened to my ex too Another thing, they are sayers not doers
Thank-you, Dr. Carter. I have a greater understanding of the narcissistic injury along with explaining the base of my pain in being in a relationship with a narcissist. I think your podcasts are immeasurable.
Thank you
Wow, such in sight. Self preservation.
Thanks for this topic focus, Dr. C! very helpful. My question was answered at the 19 min mark
Hey Dr. C, I started learning about Narcissism and NPD about 4 years ago and I realized that was what I was dealing with after 42 years of marriage. I brought it up with my Psychiatrist and he said “Well they’re not all bad, they do have some good characteristics.”
My question is: Do they have some good characteristics?
Fire that psychiatrist & find a female therapist preferably who is a trauma specialist as you now have CPTSD
@CarolPoarch-i6l Yes, they do. That's how they fool others. Only speaking from my opinion only.
Only as a mask
@@bongofury333Yes.
IMHO, the answer to your q is nuanced and complex.
(Arguably), narcassism is a spectrum, with each stage on the spectrum having varying degrees of severity.
A tiger is pretty calm until it's hungry or feels threatened.....
If we flip your question around to "do healthy people have some bad characteristics " we might see that it's kinda not a simple yes or no answer.
(I think your q would warrant an entire video by itself)
The main difference between healthy and unhealthy is the intent of any behaviour
Enjoyed the Q&A with Thais Gibson yesterday. Is the biggest difference between a Dismissive Avoidant and a Covert Narcissist the rage that the Narcissist has?
Thanks again Dr Carter!! 1 more winner.
Thanks from Denmark 🎉
Very good questions and answers, thanks.
How do I apologize to a Narc sibling?. I didn’t act in my best light when being literally mimicked in a “tone” but I feel I could have responded with more D.R.C. My response has actually have them stonewalling me which is a wonderful and much needed break. But I know I was wrong and would like to apologize but not start this relationship again.
You are reflecting on your response, which is healthy.
Don't beat yourself up too much.
What's done is done.
Reflecting is part of the learning journey, and you'll be better for it.
A time will come when you and your sibling have the opportunity to put things right.
(Apologising is a complex thing...open to being taken / interpreted in ways you may not intend)
@@sturobertson6791thank you.
Thanks, man a sibling, Lord, thanks for my trouble mind set, don't match pitch ugly,
Anger might be a Warning to set better boundaries 13:20 12:34 . 11:44
1. Narcissistic Injury.. The most important part for me is not to justify their behavior.. Yes I can understand if they have been injured but it is no excuse for injuring others..
2. Rage.. I put this in the same category with Resentment.. I don't understand it.. I just know it is what it is.. Do I want to be around it?
3. My anger.. I think I am at the point where I know the difference between me and them is that I get angry and they are an angry person.. Today was a beautiful day so I had beautiful thoughts except when I saw stuff that wasn't beautiful.. My thoughts and feelings guide me through life. Anger is either guiding me away or towards something.
4. Accelerates while we are calm.. To me that is the difference between them and us.. They are in chaos and we are in peace..
5. Rages and insults and then wants intimacy.. It could be the other way around too... Where they are nice and then they rage.. Hot and cold..
6. Can't remove the narcissist.. This is an interesting one.. There is a person where I live that I can't stand.. My thing is if I ask my Higher Power to remove them I do not know what is coming after.. This person does suck but there are worse out there...
7. Cut you down in a group setting to gain flying monkies... I have had this happen to me multiple times by multiple people.. Then I start focusing on who are the flying monkies and then I need to remove myself from them..
8. Does the military create narcissists.. What comes to mind is why do people go into the military? I know there are many politicians that were in the military.. Do all people that go into the military do it to serve the country? I know the military does offer stuff like room and board and food and college.. Also people that served in the military are perceived in a certain way.. It seams like our culture says that we "honor" our military.. At least we have holidays that honor military..
9. Call us insane.. The main thing for me is to believe myself rather than them.. Then to protect myself from them..
10. Said something that I did not want to say-How do I forgive myself? There are some times that I have acted not the way I wanted to act and when I replay those instances in my mind I realize that I actually got the results that I was looking for.. It might not have been the way I wanted it done.. There is no need for forgiveness.. ACA says that we do not need to make amends to people that have harmed us.. I like that.. Also, if I am in situations that don't cause me to act in the way that I don't want to then I would rather stay in those situations..
11. Lazy.. I am originally from southern Wisconsin.. When I moved to the Mississippi Gulf Coast I was like !@#$ are these people slow... Without them saying anything thing they were like "He is pushy, greedy, arrogant, never satisfied, and the list goes on and on." When I accepted for how it was down there I loved it.. Then I moved up to Northern Wisconsin and it was that laid back lifestyle and I loved that too.. I am ok with being called "Lazy" from people who are pushy, greedy, arrogant, never satisfied and the list goes on and on..
Hi, Dr. C. Doing much better 🙂. Life is balancing out a bit and not just focusing on narcissism 24/7. I really needed that 24/7 support initially. I'm so glad your channel was available to provide it. I have very little support otherwise but may have started to find a viable support group. My dog is doing better, though I had to increase her medication. She's still very sweet and doesn't seem to be suffering any side effects. I can access much more of my 0-20 years but still hold them at a distance and approach my past with caution. I'm sure that that part of my life was probably better than most people's; I figure I'm just not yet strong enough to handle all the negativity that comes with it. Take care of yourself. I really hope your voice recovers soon. (I'll probably continue to take a bit of a channel break for a little longer-- may be another week. Though the break means I slip a little in my anti-narcissism skills.)
Thanks for the update, Rachel. I wish you the best!!
Thanks!
You're welcome!!
Why do people fall for everything the narcissist says? People who have known me my whole life must believe the smears and it must be pretty terrible evil for them to reject me. Whatever. I don’t need family and as long as I keep my friends separate I’m okay. My ex hurt me as bad as anyone could and thought it would ruin my self esteem. Instead he ruined my ability to care for anybody. I’m glad I’m old because. I’m done. There’s no sense in finding one more person who ends up predatory
Every word of your comment resonated with me.
I'm sorry you've experienced this.
I'm glad you said you're ok if you keep your friends separate.
It's shocking how common smear campaigns are.
I have learned not to give a gnats whisker about smears and untruths said about me, to people I care about.
The power is within you to hold on to and re discover your own goodness. True genuine friends will never believe smears without questioning and evidence
Anyone who does, you don't need.
Smear campaigns happen.
Just remember you are worth more.
Ultimately, YOU know the truth about you, and it matters not one jot if some people believe the smears.
Live your true, honest best life, with DRC, and you'll be ok, and you'll find decent people
I totally understand where you are coming from...yet I am so sad to believe that you would cut the joy of your own life short for a demon. We have one life. You are obviously a beautiful empathetic person with a beautiful individual purpose. The narcissist in your life wanted to stop your purpose and shut you down. My question is...WILL YOU STAND FOR THAT?! They would NEVER EVER EVER EVER have targeted you if you weren't special or of worth. Do you really want to give in to an unfulfilled life because of a relationship with a person incapable of love, empathy, and mutual respect? Every person is NOT toxic. There is HOPE. And you deserve a beautiful respectful and mutual future.
@@LoraineMayes
Powerful and heartfelt words.
I agree with everything you say,👍
Please read Lorraine's comment in this reply stream. You are worth it and you always have been
@lynnschaeferle-zh4go I hear you.
I would love to know more about the dynamic where nothing can be discussed because the narcissist is always 'right' and not open to hearing anything. Then, when things go poorly, it's your fault because you did your own thing instead of what they wanted you to. I am portrayed as difficult because I don't just go along with what they want. I am 'difficult' because I did not coordinate with them, even though it is him that refuses to coordinate or, if he does agree to something, won't stand by his word. Like, I have come radically accept this, for the most part, but I would love to understand what is actually going through his head. Or is the answer to that question "Nothing."? I guess my real question is, when they project onto you, do they really consciously believe the projection, while subconsciously having some idea of what they are doing, as evidenced by how resistant they are to discussing what is happening in a conflict and only wanting to push their shame onto someone else even more desperately should someone try to start a discussion?
My notes with time stamps:
1:42 They're so empty on the inside they don't have the necessary strength to remain steady, so they count on you to set their pace for them. When you don't do it, then they try to overwhelm you and make you be an enabler of them.
2:57 Q: "How do we know if a narcissist has experienced narcissistic injury?" Dr. C: The rage is an off offshoot of the injury. Whatever they're trying to convey to you, the message is much more about their internal disarray and chaos than it is about you. "You've got to defer to me." "I must have YOUR coordination so that I can get out of pain." (MY NOTE: One-way coordination is subjugation. Yes?) If you say "We could have done it this way instead of that way.", as far as they're concerned "You just insulted my character." "I can't believe that you just said that to me!" They can't be objective.
7:06 Q: "Why is rage the foundation for narcissists?" Dr. C: Anger is secondary to other issues. There's much more going on behind the scenes that they have not come to terms with. The injured narcissist can have a lot of assumptions such as "If I don't get to you first and destroy you, then you're going to destroy me." They have this deep fear of being dismissed and disrespected. So they dismiss and disrespect you. They say "I want to be treated well" by treating another person poorly. They're so caught up in the subjective element that they can't think objectively. Even if this is a person who prides themselves on being stoic, they are being very emotionally driven. Much of this is on a subconscious level. It's so habituated that they hardly even think about it, but it goes back to choices that have been made many times over in their own history.
10:49 Q: "How do I get rid of the anger that I have regarding that narcissist?" Dr. C: Sometimes you just can't run away from anger. It's not about destroying someone. It's about appropriate self-preservation, appropriate self-care. Determine what your higher priorities are. "I've been hurt, but unlike the narcissist I don't want that to be central to who I am. What other priorities might I be able to appeal to that will keep me from making anger central?"
15:30 Q: "What do you do with a person who accelerates when you're calm and empathetic?" Dr. C: When you have clean assertiveness and you set your own base, the narcissist is thinking "You're messing with me." They'll read sinister motives into your calmness. As opposed to them thinking "I appreciate you not getting triggered. Thank you for trying to be a voice of reason." They can't think that way because it's there you're illustrating "You're not getting to me. I'm not going to let you call my shots." They can't handle that. You could appease and go into the enablement mode. "I apologize for standing my ground." Is that what you want to do? Or you can hold on to your calm firmness. I like that one.
18:59 Q: "How is it that the narcissist rages and insults me and then wants to be intimate soon after?" Dr. C: An hour later or later on that night it's like "You want to go have some funsies?" and it's like "I'm over here struggling. I'm hurting." It's their way of saying "I think that I just destroyed a source of positive reinforcement toward me. I'm still craving affirmation. Do you want to give me affirmation here?" So it's their way of continuing the theme that says "I've got to have you subject to me. I've got to have you doing whatever is necessary for me so that I can finally feel good." Sexuality is about affirmation, hopefully it's a pure statement that says "You're extremely important to me. I want to be connected with you at a much higher, even spiritual, level." I want to make sure that when I engage in that action with you, that it's built upon mutual respect, as a opposed to filling your psychological empty bucket. It's not my job to take care of their wounds in a way where I feel used.
22:50 Q: "What does a person do when they can't remove the narcissist? I'm the scapegoat with my mother. She's 90 years old and has alienated me from my father and three siblings. My father is weak in character and my siblings are afraid of her. If I remove her, I lose all of them? How do I recover and live healthy with this scenario?" Dr. C: You don't have to convince them of anything, but you can let them know where you're coming from. "When the temperature goes way up and I know that this is going to be one of our times, I'm going to excuse myself." "I'm reasonable and I'm going to let my reasonableness stand. If you don't understand it, that's on you."
28:31 Q: "Is it characteristic of a narcissist to openly cut you down in a group setting to gain flying monkeys?" Dr. C: It's not at all unusual. Narcissists are injured souls and so they want people around them to say "You're so wonderful." They'll manipulate and maneuver people to think that they're wonderful.
31:45 Q: "Does the military create narcissists? It seems like the boot camp system of breaking someone down and building them back up messes with a person's psyche." Dr. C: There's always the chance that someone inside an organization is going to take their authority and milk it for all its worth.
35:35 Q: "What about when they call you insane or malicious or evil if you don't believe them? They tell a dozen obvious lies in 10 minutes and yet rage at you for not trusting them." Dr. C: They try to have a control over you so that you'll be their relief outlet. Their pronouncements are not trustworthy, so hold that in mind.
38:23 Q: "I disappointed with myself and I'm having a hard time getting past it. I allowed someone to push and push until I blew it and I said something pretty horrible. How do I forgive myself?" Dr. C: We've talked about reactive abuse before. I am a bit hesitant to use the word abuse in the context there. Sometimes your sense of futility is so high that it pops out, but it can give the appearance of abuse. It's the ultimate game of gotcha. Remind yourself just because that person goaded me into something negative, doesn't mean that my character is rotten and I'm going to illustrate that by taking responsibility for who I am.
42:09 Q: "Would you address the dynamic in which one which someone gives some time to self-care and the narcissist treats them as if they're being lazy? I pour myself into understanding our relationship dynamics and understanding the effects his abusive family had on him. But then when I want to do some self-care to de-stress and enjoy life, he acts like I'm lazy." Dr. C: You say, "I need to take a break" or "I want to take a nap" or "I want to go watch a movie" or "I want to just relax", and the narcissist responds with, "You're lazy." What they're saying "I've got to come up with some sort of negative word to make you feel guilty so that I can pull you back over here into my schemes." That's not the definition of lazy. Laziness is more of a passive aggressive thing. Self-care is not the same thing as lazy. Let's not let them be the final word. They're speaking from a position of neediness and injury and a craving for dominance. (Thank you for answering my question, Dr. C!!!)
44:45 "I'm going to be as appropriate as I can. If you don't want to join me, then continue in your own dysfunction, but I'm not going to go into that space. I feel good about me. Not about us, but I feel good about me. I'm not going to be a participant in your chaos."
The flying monkeys don't listen! That was my experience every time!
Another variation of the “lazy” comment. My husband had a wife of 13 years before me, and she developed Lyme disease. He was so bent out of shape over that, that when she was sick and needed to rest he said she was lying milking it, trying to get sympathy and attention.
Now anytime when I get sick he treats me so poorly. As if I’m weak and he gets so irritated if I need to rest.
The other day after we left a restaurant I was telling my mom my stomach hurt (stupid gluten) and as soon as we got in the vehicle he starts in telling the car group his stomach hurt. Making it a big deal.
He wanted all the attention so he wouldn’t have to acknowledge my pain.
It’s sooooooooo weird!!!!!!!!
They impugn your character without a second thought, you say one thing unwittingly that pings them and everything comes down on you. Imo it's completely irresponsible of my parents to have had a child when they're so incapable of any nurturing. It was a selfish decision. Being a sensitive, intuitive, questioning, intelligent child the confusion, anger rages and passive aggression destroyed me. Then when you're either mentally or physically ill theu go on to blame and shame. In retrospect it's unbelievable. Only way I'd have been okay is if I could have my near 60 year old brain when I was 5 years old. I had the most ridiculous conversation with my mother a week ago where she wrote off and explained my feelings over and current event away! She gave her reasoning, now I know not to believe these lies. They're all for her self protection and nothing about me. Truly these people need psychiatrists!
Notes
Tuesday Oct 8th
How N~Rob You of You. 2:22
When should I give up and accept that a person is not who I thought they were. I look back at the ten years of cycling through abuse and trauma and pain/suffering I endured in this relationship and somehow my mind keeps telling me he’s just misunderstanding and if he could only see the truth, then he’d be the person he used to be to me. I’m so angry that he won’t even talk to me about it. Is it best to just cut losses and cut off all contact with this person?
My mum is 86 and totally broken after a lifetime of criticism and toxic control from my dad. They met when she was 14.
She can't even say yes or no when I offer a cup of tea or coffee without seeking permission from my dad about what she can have because he has trained her that she is not allowed / incapable/ unworthy of making any decisions for herself.
It's never too late to live your own healthy true honest life, with DRC.
Your comment tells me you realise you deserve better than how you are currently being treated.
Everyone deserves DRC, every day.
Good luck. You are here, learning.
You are worth it, and always have been
I'm not a Dr or an expert but from my own experience, to answer your question, should U go no contact. YES ❤
Still have had no refund or comment about the workshop that I paid for….I do hope you are going to,sort the problem out. I did not get email with zoom address and I definitely paid.. Judy hogarth
Hi Judy...so sorry for the problem. I just passed your comment along to my admin.
Hi Dr C,
Just a quick question, do Narcissists have/want children? I noticed a member of my family seems to be close to her niece, but although being married 10 years there’s no sign of children, I know and understand that there are LOTS of reasons why they might not have had children, and it’s a very personal matter, but I would class this person as a narcissist by the way they have treated me in the past and often wondered why children have not been something that have ever been mentioned in all the years of their marriage. I understand I could well be way off the mark by asking this, but how do narcissists handle rearing their children? Are there specific things that crop up with Narcissistic Mothers/Fathers?
Zone 3:53 ? 3:33
How narcissists rob you of you I paid for and did not receive the link. I am very disappointed
i am still in shock of how your herbs medicine cured me from HPV completely, thank you so much drlawsonhealinghome keep saving lives doc!
Thank you!