@user-mr7op8dp8t My Covert narc would copy everything I said and act like he thought of it himself, which made me feel weird. It was like I had a parrot, but worse.
@@SamSamson-go9dq I don't know if that's totally true. They don't miss the feeling, they can't know how it feels. They won't long for it, but they might know something's missing. I think happiness (purpose) is the remedy for all the suffering in the world. Yes the narcissist knows suffering on the inside as well. So I think they rationally know they will never be happy. Even if that's not true they do miss it in the sense that they lack something that balances out evil in their life.
@@BirdNatureView Yeah, I was going to say the cliche line "hurt people hurt people". Life becomes a battle, and they need to maintain it. For alot of them they are the victims. Personally I dont believe in good and evil, not sure what that says about me. But I agree with alot of what you said.
I totally understand. After almost 20 years of narc abuse, I actually snapped and became homicidal. I knew that if I didn’t get help, I would probably take him out, so I drove myself to the ER. They ended up asking if I would voluntarily go to a psych hospital. I agreed and was there 9 days and diagnosed with CPTSD and Borderline and bipolar disorder. All these disorders manifested over time due to the years of abuse. I was married to a narc for 6 years before him. My dad is a narc. I’ve been narcissisticly abused all my life. I just didn’t know it until about 3 years ago when my mom was killed on his birthday and how unempathetic he was afterwards.
@@PATISLAV I’ve started to see them as demon possessed. And when they behave in narcissistic way, I attribute it to them being too weak to fight of the inclinations of their demons. But I also know Love wins everything, and their behavior only threatens my ego and not my true self. It takes a lot of mental and spiritual strength to withstand their treatment.
💯 I went from being his lover to his mother then to his enemy #1! Harder I tried to help “us” harder he went behind my back trying to ruin my reputation and cause conflict with our co workers 🤦🏻♀️ now I know what narcissist is (1st encounter… I am 47yr old) I’m not even mad at him because there is no real “him” I’m just glad it’s over 🎉 I survived!!!!
Bad parenting might be a contributing factor, but certainly the only factor. Bad parents parent multiple children the same bad way all the time, and narcissism only affects one of them. Blame the narcissist for their poor behavior or actions.
I dont think it isnt. 🤔 Coz there are good people who have narcisistic traits. Dude goes to the boss shouts like madman and then realises he made a mistake tells me 'i feel no guilt', in general says 'these guys are not better than me', and if someone is threatening his self esteem or anyone at anything mostly says bad things abiut them. Many people are like this and they are in the borders of sanity. This can be fixed with Jesus Christ and the person who want to be better people and follow the bible as standard can be fixed.
I don’t know if you’re aware, but Sam himself has NPD. It’s interesting because I don’t believe many people know this because he’s a Psychologist and expert on the subject.
This is exactly right!! He pushes you to betray him and then blames you for it and plays the victim. He would triangulate me every day with other women and deny it, and then claim I was controlling him.
The narcissist I dated constantly posted on social media about people not being accountable for their words and actions and how people are emotionally immature in relationships. It was so weird because he was always posting about behaviors that he himself does. He used to accuse me of trying to “manipulating” him when I was being nice to him. He also once said, “You’re just trying to have sex with me to make me fall in love with you and manipulate me.” He accused me of treating him poorly but when I asked him how, he could never tell me how. He suddenly acted as if he hated me and everything I did was annoying. The nicer I was to him, the more angry he got. I realize now that it was because he wanted to devalue me and me being nice made it difficult and made him uncomfortable and question himself. I never dealt with anyone this mentally messed up in my life.
@@masha5444 No, its not and I really feel like people who think like you only think this way because YOU are only nice when you need something. I personally am nice to people because I think people deserve to have positive interactions and experiences with other human beings. There's no reason for me to be mean to someone for no reason. I have NEVER been nice to someone because I wanted something in return. You almost sound like a narcissist yourself.
The trouble is with narcs is they "assume" that everybody thinks like they do. When "they" are being nice, they only do so to gain a value through manipulation. I always knew when my wife was having an affair because she would start accusing me of having an affair. They live in there own reality, they live in a world where everyone is out to get them in some way and can never see that folks being nice to each other is impossible unless there is a benefit.
@@businessoffice4964 Basically a narcissist was severely damaged before the age of 5 or even pre-verbal by a narcissistic destructive parent or parents. Because the damage is so early in the development, he or she learns how to navigate the world only by the parental paradigm. As only the N parent mattered in his childhood, and he did not, now, as an adult, only he matters. All the world and the people in it are there for him alone and if the people do not perform according to his script, it's not the script that is to blame, after all, that's the script handed down to him, (he knows nothing else), it is the performer who is lacking. The narcissist is extremely afflicted and damaged to the core. And because it happened to him very,very early he is pre-verbal so logic and reason and other's reactions cannot reach him. There have been narcissists who, though not totally healed, have sought help and have become somewhat human. It's rare but it has happened usually through a deep spiritual awakening after some external trigger which makes him see for a split second the depth of his condition. Narcissists are the embodiment of a person suffering from having had his humanity and spirit crushed. The suffering is so intense and unknowable to the child he can only deaden it by reversing the role from victim to victimizer.In other words, the only way the N can actually function and live is to do what was done to him by the offending parent.
its scary how common narcissism is.. truly frightening. after you learn about how narcissists operate, they honestly just become boring because they all do the exact same thing. this video describes my ex to a t. cant say how many times i’ve heard other people say that… Lord help them, and us to heal…
I've often wondered why narcissism is so prevalent these days. 20 or 30 plus years ago I never knew any narcs. Now it seems as if 20 percent of people I know are narcs. What happened??
I believe there is a spiritual component to this behavior. Now, the atheist psychologists will vehemently deny it but if there are multiple personas then one of them is influenced by Satan.
Yes! All the blame, devaluation, false or exaggerated accusations. I literally have examples of every discription you gave. Crazy who they pretended to be at the beginning. It's like they were proficient at every love language. You'd never believe in a million years that they could be the monster they eventually reveal themselves to be. This is what makes starting over so hard. It's hard to distinguish at the start of a relationship if all the acts of kindness, gifts, and words are genuine or just bait. This is why boundaries are so important. Only time will tell when the dopamine wears and rubber meets the road how they're going to deal with conflict and challenges with you. I wish I would have known what I know now, I would have saved myself 9 years of wondering what happened to the amazing guy I met. All the wonderful things they do and say at the beginning isn't for you, it's for them. It's the bait and once they catch the fish you're thrown in the bucket and ignored. Finding out your relationship was lie and that you're only an object is so devastating. Thank you for the work you do! When you don't get closer the next best thing is knowing the playbook. 🙏😊
I experienced it exactly the same … where’s that wonderful man that I met ? Where did he go ? It took me 20 years, a discard from him and one year of education by watching Sam’s video’s to realize what happened to me. It is indeed very hard to realize you didn’t know them, and they didn’t live you… feels like a complete waste of years of my life … but then again : I probably needed this to grow … I am working hard on myself, dealing with old trauma to never fall for the traumabond again. I am trying very hard to digest all this, and put it all behind me. I know it will take time and a part of me will probably never be the same as before … wishing you all the love you deserve 💞
The euphoric high that we experience and become addicted to aka the 'love bombing' in hindsight was nothing but a manipulative tactic, a true predator trying to secure his prey! But I truly believe that these people with all their toxic delusions , are just so miserable and just not happy. Not to mention, when the infamous 'mask' falls off they have absolutely nowhere to hide! It's all smoke & mirrors. But is it not sad, that they have to take on the traits of others (mirroring) to be liked. So in reality how on earth can they view themselves as superior beings when they have absolutely no identity of their own. They see all the wonderful qualities in us and essentially want them, they're full of envy and jealousy. But you're absolutely right about the boundaries, when we encounter these individuals we have a sense of naivety and believe that most people are inherently good. We have a chance though and through this experience we become stronger and more aware. We live and we learn.
@@marilynbrowman5520 there is no blanket answer. I think they know something is up, because nothing works out for them in the long run. Mine told my friend and husband that he thinks he has aspergers. He said because he doesn't have empathy. This was said after we were together for 10 years. We separated soon after this event. But I must say... when I first met him I didn't like him. He gave me an uneasy feeling. There was something definitely off. After a year of friendship I though I vetted him.. but ya know a narcissist! They can shapeshift to get they're wants met. The best advise I can give is that if your needs aren't getting met and you've communicated them, and your person isn't kind to you, you can do better and deserve better.
@@marilynbrowman5520 I personally think that they do. Some say that they are 'unaware' of how their actions impact others but that's just hocus pocus gobbledygook. They know what they're doing. It's manipulative & abusive.
@@JamesGallagher90 I do believe that they aren't all malignent and some are just very damaged. It's just that, even when they aren't malignent, they can cause a lot of damage through lack of awareness, lack of self-reflection and manipulation (sometimes with delusional belief it is something else). When the people they damage ask for honesty and accountability they just attack, ignore, gaslight etc. It's never their fault. This is extremely damaging on many levels. Narcisists might not have any idea about whether you are a good or a bad person. You are either somebody that provides them supply or somebody who hurts their ego and sense of self regardless. Many good people won't tolerate manipulation from a narcisist and I fully believe narcisits aren't aware enough to understand that they are being manipulative.
I used to fear my narcissistic father. Now that I am a grown man, and former Marine, I realize what a coward he really has always been. He was very tough and macho with my mother and I when I was young. He would not dare to rage in front of me now.
"I'm stuck because of you" that part of balming the partner is spot on. They can't seem to see their destruction they make themselves. Then they drag their partner with them into deep.
9:56 "he thinks you love him, because you want something from him"... Oh my god... Now I see... That's what it was when he always always couldn't understand my love, always unsatisfied, always distrustful, always humiliating me... because he just can't imagine love without some agenda, profit...
Please don't give up. He would have been better had he known how. Grieve for the potential relationship lost; forgive yourself (AND HIM); wish him well (not necessarily face-to-face); and let him go. I guarantee you'll consider yourself to be the lucky one, some day!
"You are his mother figure". Holy moly you are so right Prof. This is word for word what she told me once when i held her accountable for something rude she did. "You're acting like my mother"
My ex-husband was always accusing me of being a "manipulative game-player". I was being as direct, articulate and truthful as I could possibly be, and yet, he kept insisting that I was a manipulative game-player. One day I asked him "how he could tell", when I was playing a manipulative game. He said when I talk to him and he gets all choked up inside. In other words, when he felt empathy for me, then he had to squash it to stay clear-headed. Only when I started lying to him that "everything was fine", did he praise me for telling the truth and no longer manipulating him.
They live in an alternate universe. With the ex-narc, any conversation about respecting healthy boundaries resulted in a meltdown accusing me of emotional abuse which makes no sense… A normal person would apologize, really.
In another instance, it was her turn to clean the dishes (and she knew this and even talked about it in the morning) so I left it in the sink and when she returns home, sees the sink and flies into a rage stating I was manipulating her. It was just unbelievable. A human ticking time bomb you ever knew when or what will cause her to detonate. Not exactly my idea of healthy loving communication.
Notice how "playing games" as a description has no other meaning than to trivialize your actions and communications. It's just a transparent put-down without insight, empathy, or a desire to make things better.
I'm running as far as possible in the opposite direction.. Discarded in the worst possible way with no warning after 30 years of marriage.. He sees himself as a victim even though he has been the cheater
Believe me, being discarded is the best way to end because they were in control and likely wont hoover back to you. It’s all about controlling the narrative to protect their fragile ego and self righteous world view at all costs. Now, if you had broken the relationship then you would have been in control and he would be vindictive and cause you damage over losing control and hoovering is more likely just assess the damage and you don’t want him to come back to you.
I wish my narc husband of 30 years would end it, then I'd feel safer moving out. If I initiate the divorce, I fear he will stalk me at the very least or shoot me dead at the very worst. He is incredibly unstable and paranoid. 😢
I'ts a perfect description of my relationship with my ex. The accusations, the blaming. He even blamed me for his bad breath, for i was making him angry and that caused him to have bad breath 🤣🤣
@Gail Gray guess what before we broke up he was on a dating site and i called him on it, He did say" my cooking had improved" thank you your Majesty........
Wow. It feels like you had a front row seat to my life. He just filed for divorce saying all the things you just said here. It's surreal, frightening and sad to live through this lie of a relationship.
@ladyvirgo9514 We're divorced. He tried one last hoover one week before the divorce. He had a plan to keep me around for his benefit. He was currently involved and sleeping with girlfriend #3. But that was "ok" according to him because he had this one tested for STD's before screwing her. Weirdest damned conversation I've ever had. He acted like it was your basic, nonchalant conversation telling your wife about how his sex life with his girlfriend was no big deal since he needed to give himself penis shots to have sex. Oh yeah... he's a sex addict but he blames the girlfriend for forcing him to have sex with her. Unfu#$%^ing believable. It was surreal. There's a lot more to the story but in the end I walked away from everything and lost ALOT. I'm working my way back to find me. Keep up the hard work.
The word „maybe“ killed me for almost 4 years… I was becoming crazy with time. I am free of his manipulation after I escaped with my kids. But still in therapy trying to find myself again. Thanks to you Sam I understand what happened to me and what could happen to my kids… I am doing all my best to save my kids from him ❤❤
This man is profoundly perceptive. He knows and understands a narcissist better than the most self-aware of them. Thank you for articulating a very difficulty to explain phenomenon.
I was discarded for setting boundries and wanting to be treated with empathy. He said I was too much work. He was looking for an easier submissive supply I guess.
Mine called me "High Maintenance" as he runs to join his single cronies. He has recently called me bitter for looking at my cell phone while he's watching a show on TV. Yes, I've gotten to the stage in our long marriage where I feel like the mother and maid. Funny how these narcs are so brilliant in their love bombing phase. All of his 6 siblings have been divorced 1-2 times with numerous failed relationships.
I grew up in a cult religion which stayed away from others not in the cult. In this cult I realized they were teaching and changing people into becoming narcissists. I left this cult but now I'm dead to all my family and friends. I'm basically making the observation that narcissists can be created by feeding people's egos and building a sense of self-righteousness in them.
People are becoming more and more narcissistic day by day. I think this is because of previous painful relationship experiences. People think that the way to avoid pain is narcissistic behavior I think, especially young people. I've seen many times young people make horrible comments about the opposite sex, it's really sad.
Narcism is on the rise in my opinion thanks to social media. You utilize this platform for learning purposes while Narcissists use these platforms for self validation, likes, comments and being seen in general.
@@yehudah818 Social media has become something of a tool to turn psychologically healthy people into narcissists. It is necessary to use all social media platforms carefully, except TH-cam :) thanks.
Often times we talk about narcissism in romantic relationships, but this is extremely relevant in parent-child relationships as well, especially more apparent as the child grows into adulthood and tries to become their own independent person. it’s always a fight to become independent and set up boundaries against a narcissistic parent, even when it is developmentally appropriate at that age.
I knew it, but you've helped me understand it more clearly. The narcissist sees the qualities the other has. And as he knows he'll never have these qualities, he must implement a dominant relationship (by manipulation) in order to take over. Thus the other belongs to him, so the qualities of the other become a part of himself (!!!). He can be very dangerous if he feels it doesn't work... Wow !... Sort of madness, isn't it ?
The last part where you emphasize that they are GONE and completely out-of-reach helped me internally take the next step (I hope) in my healing journey. I am absolutely destroyed and am soaking up all the information I can to help me formulate my own closure regarding what happened.
Conned by an adult child who found you to be the mom he never had, projecting his anger he has for his mom onto you, the wife. All the while praising his mom not realizing that she’s the one who neglected you
I lived every word of this. It’s like Sam is reading the script of my relationship. To see it, hear it, and feel it is one thing but then to have someone tell you exactly what youre experiencing hits different. Damn this is so sad. What a warped delusional empty world narcissists live in. It’s got to be the most saddest existence and they dont even know it. I feel sorry for them all, especially the one I dated and am trying to leave in the dust for good this time.
11:35 "how flawed, wrong and sometimes malevolent you are. He's trying to convince you there's in you - a grain of evil" - OMG!!! That's it! That's what he does! And I couldn't see it at first for the first year. Only after breakups and longer breaks without him, after communicating with people, friends, I noticed they appreciate me, they don't blame me, they don't try to convince me how bad everything is about me in every step... Suddenly I was feeling like I finally had a breath of fresh air - I am ok, I am a normal person, I am not that bad, people actually even are happy to have me as friend... That brings me to tears.
This has been the best explanation of what was going on. I’ve never met anyone like this previously. A simple response of “ok” was an attack and I was manipulating. I could continuously apologize and I was still not self aware and taking responsibility for my actions 🤦♀️. Thank you for the explanation.
To me, the worst, and most uncomprehendable is that you literally can’t reason with her. There is no way to explain to her to make her understand and see what she is doing. At first it started out as finding a soulmate, connected on so many levels, understanding each other. And slowly it became like we see a completely different reality. That’s why I stayed for a year even after I actually figured out that she is a narcissist. I just want to hurt her, or make her realize what she was doing and what she done, but I realized after one year of trying, and her final discard, that she cannot be reached, no matter what I say, how I tell her, how I show her, she is unable to realize. Like there is noone there, I am fully alone, like I am trying to reason with a ghost, or someone in a parallel universe. Whether I approached her with love, compassion, or anger, or cold logic, whether with words, action, or emotions, she simply always distorted reality, even factual, objective things. I showed her screenshots as proof of things she has done, and she always denied. I tried to make her understand that she doesn’t love me, as she was always hurting or ignoring me, but she always said she loves me so much, she is so sad she always makes me sad, and that I am always so negative. She literally told me, I should see it positively that she had sex with someone else, just because she was thinking of me during that… No matter what or how I said, she would not understand, that it is cruelty, and that she doesn’t love me. By the end, the only thing that kept me there is ‘truth seeking’, I was trying to objectively prove all the things she has done, and make her realize what she is doing, but it is impossible. It is such a lonely experience, that I just want validation and to make her understand her sins, but she is simply not there, unavailable She made me a narcissist, too. I was living in her fantasy world, willingly. I have to admit, I knew it from the start, from day 1, my gut told me, that it is not true, you cannot become soulmates in 2 weeks, it is not normal, it is not true. I knew, that the past didn’t happen as she recounted, I knew that the future she is depicting is objectively impossible, I knew that all the things she is fantasizing is never going to happen, I knew it clearly, but I wanted it to be true so badly, that I fooled myself, I played along in her fantasy game, I knew I was assigned a role and I played it willingly. I knew what she wants me to be, and I knew I am not that, but I played the role exactly how she wanted me to, because I wanted to be that person, too. And I knew she wasn’t that person, but I wanted her to be. In fact, I could have played this fantasy delusion for very long, if only she didn’t start devaluing me. I even played along after I was 100% fully aware what’s happening and I knew she was a narc and I analyzed everything she was doing. I wanted her to play along the lies. And whenever I tried to break out of the fantasy and bring some reality (towards the end), she was always always so mad. That is the one thing she truly hated, to deny her fantasy. I could love her, hate her, be angry, whatever, as long as it was part of the fantasy world she was building. And if I wanted to be real, even if kindly, she was so mad. She never had an intention to make the fantasy a reality and NEVER did a single action for me. All she wanted was to play along in that stupid fantasy world. She discarded me SOOO many times and hoovered me back. First I didn’t even know there was anything wrong with her and I just loved her and went along.
Dont b giving away your heart as if it was cheap candy. It is a treasure and u have to learn to value it. Because if u dont, no one else will. Learn to value yourselve,learn to love yourselve, learn to respect yourselve and learn that u dont need any body to b happy. I went through the experience with the Mother of my 2 kids and i learned all of the above the very hard way. Im alone and happy now. Take care n God bless u.
There might be something else going on here than a simple narcissistic relationship. He beat me, tried pretend to people that it was self defense. My daughter defended me, she mysteriously dies, he tries to blame me to his father who convinced me to start a malpractice case... He tries to lure me on a boat, he tries to gain custody of the kids. He never knew that I obtained the police and hospital report. Two years into the malpractice case, discrepancies are revealed in my daughter's autopsy. Your case is much more complicated.
@@donnahilton471No narcissistic relationship is simple. They have you believing in the fantasy they created, and it’s hard to break free and think for yourself. I’m so sorry you went though that, and I hope you can heal.
You can tell Sam has far more knowledge of the condition than most ,a leading expert .. the mother figure and shared fantasy is the hidden secret .. a pursuit of mirrored perfection bouncing from one car crash to another .. once you realise you’ve dealt with an opportunistic childlike adult you can never treat them as an equal 😌a predator charmer and empty vessel feeding on your life energy
I just came across your work and WOW. I’m learning everything I possibly can!!! Thank you for your dedication to this topic. You’re helping so many of us out here!!
You sum everything up in an amazing way, professor!!! Especially what you said about the narcissist “discard” so that he/ she can finally leave mommy/daddy, and move out of the house to become an adult. Also that this is good but it’s terrifying for them. Sadly, some of them, in my experience, keep on repeating this pattern well into their 60s and 70s.
I left my Narc wife 13 years ago and she is interfering with my life still! Our daughter trolled me on a dating website and proclaimed "Caught you"! I think she was referring to me cheating on her mom........ and I was thinking I could do what I want 13 years post divorce but no I cannot.
You have described the Narcissist in a simple clear easily understandable way in a nutshell with great analogies! More Power! More of this kind of videos! K
Professor Vaknin, every word you said felt like you were talking directly to me about my owm personal experiences. Your explanations have a healing, validating efect and I am immensely grateful to you for taking the time to make videos such as this.
You’re on point with the names calling n distorting the situation!!!! I’m freaking going crazy! I want to cry. I love him so much! Shit! Shit! Shit!!!!!!
Wow! You just, hit this nail, square on his head. I was a single parent to my son. I had noticed 20yrs ago his behavior, towards me. He is now near 32. Married with 3 beautiful girls and wife. I have been discarded do to my awareness of his condition. Your presentation has been on target. Breaks my heart.
You bowled me out I’ve seen many videos on this topic, but your video made me cry. It is 200% my situation. 14 years now. I felt that. Everything you said. But now I know that. It is to understand actions And I knew I’m his worst enemy I never knew why
I once suggested that we (my ex and I) watch a movie after dinner and his response was to immediately accuse me of being a “master manipulator “ . Can’t make this s- up.
My ex accused me of being a narcissist. Whatever you said about narcissism is my ex. At least he is an ex. He went off to live in his castle with his gf who is borderline. She was jealous of my life and wanted my life. She can have the story, we know how that ended. 😄
You have beyond 100% described my child's father😅😅😅. He always thinks I'm guilty of something. He gets mad with me over every delusional thought what enters his head. These are thoughts he knows is not true🤣🤣🤣
Professor Sam these videos are a life saver. I keep meeting covert narcissists. I didn't realise how much of an empath I am and therefore fuel for emotional vampires. Thank you ❤
This was so helpful. Understanding this makes the temptation to be drawn back with lovebombing less He really can't se or feel the love I have. This is so sad. But just have to walk away. Nothing I can do.
Scary accurate! I'm still tied to him through a business and I am struggling to heal. The emotional and financial losses are significant. Seeing a therapist twice a week, and almost daily phone calls to the distress centre. He took every shred of confidence and self-esteem. I know all of this in the video to be true, but yet I just can't get pull myself out of the depression. It's crippling my mind, my entire life 😭
Don’t take it personally. You didn’t do anything wrong. He is souless. He can’t love anyone any more than you love a car. They never loved us or anything so we shouldn’t take it so personally like a TV show is more important than us. It’s not! He’s just a psychopath with no ability to love
I was engaged to a narcissist for 7yrs. That relationship changed me. Some of the things said in this video sounded like my ex and some sound like how I am now. I worry that now I'm a narcissist.
It's not contagious. At least not to adults. Watch Sam's video about how narcissism forms. You became a hammer and now everything looks like a nail. You discovered a revolutionary way of analyzing people for your own safety and now your brain is going into overdrive. It will pass. I had the same worries.
Always turning the tables onto you? Are they sick and need help that they will never seek for themselves? Walk away. Stay away. Save yourself first. Years of therapy and self reflection has taught me to be strong and finally say enough is enough. Block them all. You will feel so much better. Bless you all. Stay strong. Rita Easton.
My Ex wife was Narcissism dismissive avoidance, She was always giving me silence treatment sometimes for 2 or 3 weeks Always everything was my fault Never she said sorry in 8 years of marriage
This confirms what I "saw". He is so combative and wants to make me the enemy. I decided there and then after his rage attack, I do not want to play his mind games. I stopped all communication with him (its been over 5months now with no communication). I see he has a new girlfriend, but its reassuring to know I am not missing out on anything 🙏
My ex would say he should have been an actor. I didn't know why he would say that but i understood later. He was the most manipulative person i have ever met. I really think it is more than childhood trauma with them i believe it's a spiritual thing. They are too much alike.
Sam, I have read most of your writing and watched your videos. I appreciate your intelligence and the deep understanding of personal disorders. One thing that I need to express is your repeated statement saying ‘mother was the root cause of creating a narcissist.’ I have a son who is a malignant narcissist. I raised my sons (I have 2 adult sons) with at most thoughtful manners. I encourages them gently to become responsible, kind people, never pushed them too hard. Showered them with love, but never spoiling them. When one of them started to become very abusive to family members, started to make up stories to accuse family members with outrageous stories, all of us (my ex husband, my other son, and I) were totally disoriented and left deep injuries. He is in early 30s and now he is in serious paranoia believing novel laureate are stealing his researches, international organizations are teaming up to ‘annihilate’ him etc. I understand that there are parents that aggravated vulnerable children driving them into NPD, or in some cases parents themselves are NPD. I think his uncle, and his grandparents had some serious traits of NPD. I cannot help my son inherited the genes. (No blaming game here. I just want to know and learn more so that I can help my son properly, and minimize injuries to the people around him including us). My son blames me for everything including his love interest didn’t love him back. NPD blames others for anything. They make up stories and believe the false stories that they concoct. I cannot help thinking when they see therapists they may tell their concocted stories to shift blame, often, their target is his mother. I think they tend to possess misogynistic tendencies. I cannot help feeling he was born this way. I think you are aware that until recently, mother was to be blamed when there was a schizophrenic child. Psychologists even coined the word ‘Schizophrenogenics’ (mother who caused the schizophrenic child). The word is not used any more after there are strong genetic indications. Many psychologists blame mothers who have suffered from her abusing sons. I request you to look deep into this and start a movement awareness among your fellow psychologists. Thank you, Sam. By one of a long-suffering mothers who love their children.
My best friend had a NPD wife with sex addiction. He claims he could at all times smell female hormone on her breath and the musky scent was sexually stimulating to him. There seems to be a chicken and egg conundrum about whether the NPD caused the sex hyperactivity or vice versa. We are talking highly educated women having spur of moment sex with taxi drivers, shop assistants, bosses, lecturers, business contacts. A second question is how does NPD fit into matriarchal societies where women had multiple partners, children were allocated a nominal “father”, long term dyadic-binary relationships were unknown, and women owned all the property. Is it possible that NPD is a default setting left over from the matriarchy, that is not so malign when viewed *from within* that context? Just asking.
Yes at first, aside from the joy of meeting someone who's 'fallen in love ' with you, it's totally confusing what's going on not only with this individual but with our own insides, which is the more serious issue.
![[MV] A leap of faith...ความเชื่อใจครั้งสุดท้าย (From "Petrichor the series")](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/U1piZH2CNXA/mqdefault.jpg)
What the Narcissist finds wrong about many people is really what's wrong with themselves, but they don't see it.
Yes, projection
Tough for them.
I disengage immediately or don't engage at all.
Loneliness is a state of mind.
i got this book of really cool cliches from my sister for graduation and believe it or not i learned something .
hehe thats so true,but it is the mirror they look into
@user-mr7op8dp8t
My Covert narc would copy everything I said and act like he thought of it himself, which made me feel weird. It was like I had a parrot, but worse.
I think it's high time we admit that these people do not know and will never know happiness...
Hard to miss something you've never had.
@@SamSamson-go9dq I don't know if that's totally true.
They don't miss the feeling, they can't know how it feels.
They won't long for it, but they might know something's missing.
I think happiness (purpose) is the remedy for all the suffering in the world.
Yes the narcissist knows suffering on the inside as well.
So I think they rationally know they will never be happy.
Even if that's not true they do miss it in the sense that they lack something that balances out evil in their life.
@@BirdNatureView Yeah, I was going to say the cliche line "hurt people hurt people".
Life becomes a battle, and they need to maintain it. For alot of them they are the victims. Personally I dont believe in good and evil, not sure what that says about me.
But I agree with alot of what you said.
No because they are too busy hiding, manipulating & creating chaos....no happiness can come from that...💔
@@positvgal8 Not all narcissists are evil. There is vulnerable narcissism.
He drove me literally crazy....I had completely lost myself
I totally understand. After almost 20 years of narc abuse, I actually snapped and became homicidal. I knew that if I didn’t get help, I would probably take him out, so I drove myself to the ER. They ended up asking if I would voluntarily go to a psych hospital. I agreed and was there 9 days and diagnosed with CPTSD and Borderline and bipolar disorder. All these disorders manifested over time due to the years of abuse. I was married to a narc for 6 years before him. My dad is a narc. I’ve been narcissisticly abused all my life. I just didn’t know it until about 3 years ago when my mom was killed on his birthday and how unempathetic he was afterwards.
You need to listen to these videos every once in a while to remind yourself that there is nothing you can do to change this.
I actually used to send email reminders to myself not to be sucked in again 😂.
@@PATISLAV I’ve started to see them as demon possessed. And when they behave in narcissistic way, I attribute it to them being too weak to fight of the inclinations of their demons. But I also know Love wins everything, and their behavior only threatens my ego and not my true self. It takes a lot of mental and spiritual strength to withstand their treatment.
@@Prettysimple2me well said 👏🏻
Agree!
The agenda of demons + possessed people ("hybrids") is dehumanization.
💯 I went from being his lover to his mother then to his enemy #1! Harder I tried to help “us” harder he went behind my back trying to ruin my reputation and cause conflict with our co workers 🤦🏻♀️ now I know what narcissist is (1st encounter… I am 47yr old) I’m not even mad at him because there is no real “him” I’m just glad it’s over 🎉 I survived!!!!
U look 30-35 tbh😬
It's a very sad illness that is properly to be pity because their unhelpfullable. Theirs no future together. Its a waste of time...
yep, lights on and no one home
The narcissist is incurable. So sad that horrible parenting can do this to another human being.
It's treatable,but the narcissist has to be self aware and see narcissism as a negative.
@@death2theworld I doubt if full-blown narcissists are treatable, maybe low-grade and mid-grade could be.
Bad parenting might be a contributing factor, but certainly the only factor. Bad parents parent multiple children the same bad way all the time, and narcissism only affects one of them. Blame the narcissist for their poor behavior or actions.
@A3 Landscape Exactly!
I dont think it isnt. 🤔
Coz there are good people who have narcisistic traits. Dude goes to the boss shouts like madman and then realises he made a mistake tells me 'i feel no guilt', in general says 'these guys are not better than me', and if someone is threatening his self esteem or anyone at anything mostly says bad things abiut them. Many people are like this and they are in the borders of sanity. This can be fixed with Jesus Christ and the person who want to be better people and follow the bible as standard can be fixed.
they are not posessed by demons - they are demons! lmao you are amazing Sam ! thank you for all your work!
💖
I don’t know if you’re aware, but Sam himself has NPD. It’s interesting because I don’t believe many people know this because he’s a Psychologist and expert on the subject.
Yes! This is so bizarre! They project all the harm they cause you onto you!
Yes very much smh
They hurt you, then punish you for being hurt. Always the double whammy.
Hilariously true! When the narcissist feels guilty, he thinks he's being manipulated 🤣🤣🤣 hopeless!
That's insane 😮😮😥😥
Oh my days...my ex to a T. I'm a manipulative game player because I expect an apology.
Manipulation usually relies on causing the guilt of another so that makes sense 😔
'Non coupable'.. Exactement..
@@abeautifulcountry9353 no it doesn’t.
This is exactly right!! He pushes you to betray him and then blames you for it and plays the victim. He would triangulate me every day with other women and deny it, and then claim I was controlling him.
The narcissist I dated constantly posted on social media about people not being accountable for their words and actions and how people are emotionally immature in relationships. It was so weird because he was always posting about behaviors that he himself does. He used to accuse me of trying to “manipulating” him when I was being nice to him. He also once said, “You’re just trying to have sex with me to make me fall in love with you and manipulate me.” He accused me of treating him poorly but when I asked him how, he could never tell me how. He suddenly acted as if he hated me and everything I did was annoying. The nicer I was to him, the more angry he got. I realize now that it was because he wanted to devalue me and me being nice made it difficult and made him uncomfortable and question himself. I never dealt with anyone this mentally messed up in my life.
I have ZERO SYMPATHY for the so-called fairer sex when they're put on a pedestal from day one. SUCK IT UP, BUTTERCUP!
what do you mean? @@masha5444
@@masha5444 No, its not and I really feel like people who think like you only think this way because YOU are only nice when you need something. I personally am nice to people because I think people deserve to have positive interactions and experiences with other human beings. There's no reason for me to be mean to someone for no reason. I have NEVER been nice to someone because I wanted something in return. You almost sound like a narcissist yourself.
The trouble is with narcs is they "assume" that everybody thinks like they do. When "they" are being nice, they only do so to gain a value through manipulation. I always knew when my wife was having an affair because she would start accusing me of having an affair. They live in there own reality, they live in a world where everyone is out to get them in some way and can never see that folks being nice to each other is impossible unless there is a benefit.
@@horiboyablemgtow7842 Such a sad world to live in :(
This is a very important video for anyone who needs some answers after being in an abusive relationship by a narcissist.
🌹
But can someone summarize because this guy doesn’t get to the main points too clearly.
@@businessoffice4964 Basically a narcissist was severely damaged before the age of 5 or even pre-verbal by a narcissistic destructive parent or parents. Because the damage is so early in the development, he or she learns how to navigate the world only by the parental paradigm. As only the N parent mattered in his childhood, and he did not, now, as an adult, only he matters. All the world and the people in it are there for him alone and if the people do not perform according to his script, it's not the script that is to blame, after all, that's the script handed down to him, (he knows nothing else), it is the performer who is lacking.
The narcissist is extremely afflicted and damaged to the core. And because it happened to him very,very early he is pre-verbal so logic and reason and other's reactions cannot reach him.
There have been narcissists who, though not totally healed, have sought help and have become somewhat human. It's rare but it has happened usually through a deep spiritual awakening after some external trigger which makes him see for a split second the depth of his condition. Narcissists are the embodiment of a person suffering from having had his humanity and spirit crushed. The suffering is so intense and unknowable to the child he can only deaden it by reversing the role from victim to victimizer.In other words, the only way the N can actually function and live is to do what was done to him by the offending parent.
i dont need no answers, i just need my smile back
@@denisblack9897 i hope so too
They are physically and mentally and emotionally draining they can make Yr life a living hell
its scary how common narcissism is.. truly frightening. after you learn about how narcissists operate, they honestly just become boring because they all do the exact same thing. this video describes my ex to a t. cant say how many times i’ve heard other people say that…
Lord help them, and us to heal…
Well said!
Yep, they all use the same textbook! Boring, predictable c-nts
yes!!! praying for healing and discernment
I've often wondered why narcissism is so prevalent these days. 20 or 30 plus years ago I never knew any narcs. Now it seems as if 20 percent of people I know are narcs. What happened??
I believe there is a spiritual component to this behavior. Now, the atheist psychologists will vehemently deny it but if there are multiple personas then one of them is influenced by Satan.
Yes! All the blame, devaluation, false or exaggerated accusations. I literally have examples of every discription you gave. Crazy who they pretended to be at the beginning. It's like they were proficient at every love language. You'd never believe in a million years that they could be the monster they eventually reveal themselves to be. This is what makes starting over so hard. It's hard to distinguish at the start of a relationship if all the acts of kindness, gifts, and words are genuine or just bait. This is why boundaries are so important. Only time will tell when the dopamine wears and rubber meets the road how they're going to deal with conflict and challenges with you. I wish I would have known what I know now, I would have saved myself 9 years of wondering what happened to the amazing guy I met. All the wonderful things they do and say at the beginning isn't for you, it's for them. It's the bait and once they catch the fish you're thrown in the bucket and ignored. Finding out your relationship was lie and that you're only an object is so devastating. Thank you for the work you do! When you don't get closer the next best thing is knowing the playbook. 🙏😊
I experienced it exactly the same … where’s that wonderful man that I met ? Where did he go ? It took me 20 years, a discard from him and one year of education by watching Sam’s video’s to realize what happened to me. It is indeed very hard to realize you didn’t know them, and they didn’t live you… feels like a complete waste of years of my life … but then again : I probably needed this to grow … I am working hard on myself, dealing with old trauma to never fall for the traumabond again. I am trying very hard to digest all this, and put it all behind me. I know it will take time and a part of me will probably never be the same as before … wishing you all the love you deserve 💞
The euphoric high that we experience and become addicted to aka the 'love bombing' in hindsight was nothing but a manipulative tactic, a true predator trying to secure his prey! But I truly believe that these people with all their toxic delusions , are just so miserable and just not happy. Not to mention, when the infamous 'mask' falls off they have absolutely nowhere to hide! It's all smoke & mirrors. But is it not sad, that they have to take on the traits of others (mirroring) to be liked. So in reality how on earth can they view themselves as superior beings when they have absolutely no identity of their own. They see all the wonderful qualities in us and essentially want them, they're full of envy and jealousy. But you're absolutely right about the boundaries, when we encounter these individuals we have a sense of naivety and believe that most people are inherently good. We have a chance though and through this experience we become stronger and more aware. We live and we learn.
It took me a good 10 years to really realise how broken they are. Do they know that about themselves??????
@@marilynbrowman5520 there is no blanket answer. I think they know something is up, because nothing works out for them in the long run. Mine told my friend and husband that he thinks he has aspergers. He said because he doesn't have empathy. This was said after we were together for 10 years. We separated soon after this event. But I must say... when I first met him I didn't like him. He gave me an uneasy feeling. There was something definitely off. After a year of friendship I though I vetted him.. but ya know a narcissist! They can shapeshift to get they're wants met. The best advise I can give is that if your needs aren't getting met and you've communicated them, and your person isn't kind to you, you can do better and deserve better.
@@marilynbrowman5520 I personally think that they do. Some say that they are 'unaware' of how their actions impact others but that's just hocus pocus gobbledygook. They know what they're doing. It's manipulative & abusive.
Narcissists are horrible human beings.
They are no human
@@JamesGallagher90 I do believe that they aren't all malignent and some are just very damaged. It's just that, even when they aren't malignent, they can cause a lot of damage through lack of awareness, lack of self-reflection and manipulation (sometimes with delusional belief it is something else). When the people they damage ask for honesty and accountability they just attack, ignore, gaslight etc. It's never their fault. This is extremely damaging on many levels. Narcisists might not have any idea about whether you are a good or a bad person. You are either somebody that provides them supply or somebody who hurts their ego and sense of self regardless. Many good people won't tolerate manipulation from a narcisist and I fully believe narcisits aren't aware enough to understand that they are being manipulative.
He was right at the start. They are monsters.
100% toxic and very mentally sick people🤔
@@maverick7215 hey dudes, demonizing an already damaged human being doesn’t help either.
This is so accurate. They speak like you were specifically sent into their life to destroy them 😂
I used to fear my narcissistic father. Now that I am a grown man, and former Marine, I realize what a coward he really has always been. He was very tough and macho with my mother and I when I was young. He would not dare to rage in front of me now.
Just when the fog lifts you really see it it’s sad
Nothing worse than being abused by a narcissistic husband
Thank you Sam for all you do
I can tell you something worse. Being abused by a narcissistic wife who you have kids with and the family courts favours. There ya go.
Sam doesn't care he's narcissistic.
You and Dr. Ramani are giants in the field. Thank you.
@@philthy1312 Terrible injustices can happen to men and women.
There is something even worse,i think.To be abused by your own mother.
"I'm stuck because of you" that part of balming the partner is spot on. They can't seem to see their destruction they make themselves. Then they drag their partner with them into deep.
9:56 "he thinks you love him, because you want something from him"... Oh my god... Now I see... That's what it was when he always always couldn't understand my love, always unsatisfied, always distrustful, always humiliating me... because he just can't imagine love without some agenda, profit...
My perspective is that my narc couldn't see his value and devalued anyone who cared about him.
When i would do something out of kindness and love for him.. he thinks i want something from him.
Im tired really
Because he is that way himself
Because his love comes with an agenda
I’ve never been so heartbroken in my whole life 💔
😢😢
Please don't give up. He would have been better had he known how.
Grieve for the potential relationship lost; forgive yourself (AND HIM); wish him well (not necessarily face-to-face); and let him go.
I guarantee you'll consider yourself to be the lucky one, some day!
Finally facts
"You are his mother figure". Holy moly you are so right Prof. This is word for word what she told me once when i held her accountable for something rude she did. "You're acting like my mother"
My ex-husband was always accusing me of being a "manipulative game-player". I was being as direct, articulate and truthful as I could possibly be, and yet, he kept insisting that I was a manipulative game-player. One day I asked him "how he could tell", when I was playing a manipulative game. He said when I talk to him and he gets all choked up inside. In other words, when he felt empathy for me, then he had to squash it to stay clear-headed. Only when I started lying to him that "everything was fine", did he praise me for telling the truth and no longer manipulating him.
They live in an alternate universe. With the ex-narc, any conversation about respecting healthy boundaries resulted in a meltdown accusing me of emotional abuse which makes no sense… A normal person would apologize, really.
In another instance, it was her turn to clean the dishes (and she knew this and even talked about it in the morning) so I left it in the sink and when she returns home, sees the sink and flies into a rage stating I was manipulating her. It was just unbelievable. A human ticking time bomb you ever knew when or what will cause her to detonate. Not exactly my idea of healthy loving communication.
Wow that is different kind of sick..
Just imagine seeing another persons needs as manipulation.
Notice how "playing games" as a description has no other meaning than to trivialize your actions and communications. It's just a transparent put-down without insight, empathy, or a desire to make things better.
I'm running as far as possible in the opposite direction.. Discarded in the worst possible way with no warning after 30 years of marriage.. He sees himself as a victim even though he has been the cheater
Believe me, being discarded is the best way to end because they were in control and likely wont hoover back to you. It’s all about controlling the narrative to protect their fragile ego and self righteous world view at all costs. Now, if you had broken the relationship then you would have been in control and he would be vindictive and cause you damage over losing control and hoovering is more likely just assess the damage and you don’t want him to come back to you.
if u gave him sex any time he wanted ,he wouldnt have cheated ,dumbass narcisist.Whats the point of u being wife if you cant fullfil your role ?
I wish my narc husband of 30 years would end it, then I'd feel safer moving out. If I initiate the divorce, I fear he will stalk me at the very least or shoot me dead at the very worst. He is incredibly unstable and paranoid. 😢
I'ts a perfect description of my relationship with my ex. The accusations, the blaming. He even blamed me for his bad breath, for i was making him angry and that caused him to have bad breath 🤣🤣
😂😂😂
@Gail Gray guess what before we broke up he was on a dating site and i called him on it, He did say" my cooking had improved" thank you your Majesty........
😂😂😂😂😂😂I’m cackling 😂😂😂😂
Clearly, you owed him an apology for upsetting him. 😂
Omg my ex breath used to always smell like sh* can’t believe I let him put his mouth on me 🤢🤢
Wow. It feels like you had a front row seat to my life. He just filed for divorce saying all the things you just said here. It's surreal, frightening and sad to live through this lie of a relationship.
@ladyvirgo9514 We're divorced. He tried one last hoover one week before the divorce. He had a plan to keep me around for his benefit. He was currently involved and sleeping with girlfriend #3. But that was "ok" according to him because he had this one tested for STD's before screwing her. Weirdest damned conversation I've ever had. He acted like it was your basic, nonchalant conversation telling your wife about how his sex life with his girlfriend was no big deal since he needed to give himself penis shots to have sex. Oh yeah... he's a sex addict but he blames the girlfriend for forcing him to have sex with her. Unfu#$%^ing believable. It was surreal. There's a lot more to the story but in the end I walked away from everything and lost ALOT. I'm working my way back to find me. Keep up the hard work.
"Why do you hate me, i loved you soo"....You were my world...i love these narcissists...so fascinating and destroying at the same time....
The word „maybe“ killed me for almost 4 years… I was becoming crazy with time. I am free of his manipulation after I escaped with my kids. But still in therapy trying to find myself again. Thanks to you Sam I understand what happened to me and what could happen to my kids… I am doing all my best to save my kids from him ❤❤
Same! Another phrase to explain when he broke promises was a careless reply of “I lost track of time “.
Same here...4years of marriage...I lost my half hair,no energy,no money,no job...slave of him
Quite the mental phenomenon for sure…it’s so hard to look at a man you loved then have to grasp this was his reality.
This man is profoundly perceptive. He knows and understands a narcissist better than the most self-aware of them. Thank you for articulating a very difficulty to explain phenomenon.
But l think he says is a narcissist too
@@elenimalakozi2914yes, he did admit that some time ago.
He is diagnosed for Narcisism. And other mental disorders too. He speeks from his own self.
I was discarded for setting boundries and wanting to be treated with empathy. He said I was too much work. He was looking for an easier submissive supply I guess.
Good for you, you dodged a bullet big time! ❤
Victims.
@@Angela-ph1ik found the narc
Mine called me "High Maintenance" as he runs to join his single cronies. He has recently called me bitter for looking at my cell phone while he's watching a show on TV. Yes, I've gotten to the stage in our long marriage where I feel like the mother and maid. Funny how these narcs are so brilliant in their love bombing phase. All of his 6 siblings have been divorced 1-2 times with numerous failed relationships.
Yes. Same after 23 yrs....its vile how reptilian someone can become aftee so many years of touching and counting on each othsr once i truly said NO
For those of us who need to understand the mechanics of Narcissism, you are an invaluable resource.
I grew up in a cult religion which stayed away from others not in the cult. In this cult I realized they were teaching and changing people into becoming narcissists. I left this cult but now I'm dead to all my family and friends.
I'm basically making the observation that narcissists can be created by feeding people's egos and building a sense of self-righteousness in them.
Jehovah witnesses. I’ve been there, I grew up there until the age of 18.
I was disfellowshipped Jehovah's witness so I understand.
Pamela of SE Oklahoma
Church of Christ??!!!
People are becoming more and more narcissistic day by day. I think this is because of previous painful relationship experiences. People think that the way to avoid pain is narcissistic behavior I think, especially young people. I've seen many times young people make horrible comments about the opposite sex, it's really sad.
Doubt, I think narcissism is on the decline.
I think it is not so much people are becoming more narcissistic, but we are more aware of ourselves and the world around us.
Narcism is on the rise in my opinion thanks to social media. You utilize this platform for learning purposes while Narcissists use these platforms for self validation, likes, comments and being seen in general.
@@yehudah818 I don't think that's narcissism, I think that's ego. Narcissism is more complex imo.
@@yehudah818 Social media has become something of a tool to turn psychologically healthy people into narcissists. It is necessary to use all social media platforms carefully, except TH-cam :) thanks.
exactly! And I think we are all vulnerable to narcissism the moment we stop analyzing ourselves and our actions. Thank you for this honest video!
Often times we talk about narcissism in romantic relationships, but this is extremely relevant in parent-child relationships as well, especially more apparent as the child grows into adulthood and tries to become their own independent person. it’s always a fight to become independent and set up boundaries against a narcissistic parent, even when it is developmentally appropriate at that age.
Watch the From Child to Narcissist playlist.
The way that you articulate this message is immaculate
I knew it, but you've helped me understand it more clearly.
The narcissist sees the qualities the other has. And as he knows he'll never have these qualities, he must implement a dominant relationship (by manipulation) in order to take over. Thus the other belongs to him, so the qualities of the other become a part of himself (!!!).
He can be very dangerous if he feels it doesn't work...
Wow !... Sort of madness, isn't it ?
The last part where you emphasize that they are GONE and completely out-of-reach helped me internally take the next step (I hope) in my healing journey. I am absolutely destroyed and am soaking up all the information I can to help me formulate my own closure regarding what happened.
It’s been a year. How are you doing with your recovery?
❤
I’m here because the photo disgust and intrigued me at once!! Lol
This man is pure gold. I have heard the exact quotes from this video so many times. If only I knew...
Only two minutes into the video and already my entire relationship with my adopted mother is described.
I’ve literally watched hundreds of videos and thought I knew it all but this one has shaken me to the core 😢🙏
Conned by an adult child who found you to be the mom he never had, projecting his anger he has for his mom onto you, the wife. All the while praising his mom not realizing that she’s the one who neglected you
Everything was so on point it scares me. It really makes total sense about a narcisist person I've met.
This is exactly what I needed to know. Narcs don't see others as they are, they neither do see themselves as we see them.
I lived every word of this. It’s like Sam is reading the script of my relationship. To see it, hear it, and feel it is one thing but then to have someone tell you exactly what youre experiencing hits different. Damn this is so sad. What a warped delusional empty world narcissists live in. It’s got to be the most saddest existence and they dont even know it. I feel sorry for them all, especially the one I dated and am trying to leave in the dust for good this time.
11:35 "how flawed, wrong and sometimes malevolent you are. He's trying to convince you there's in you - a grain of evil" - OMG!!! That's it! That's what he does! And I couldn't see it at first for the first year. Only after breakups and longer breaks without him, after communicating with people, friends, I noticed they appreciate me, they don't blame me, they don't try to convince me how bad everything is about me in every step... Suddenly I was feeling like I finally had a breath of fresh air - I am ok, I am a normal person, I am not that bad, people actually even are happy to have me as friend... That brings me to tears.
Your story sounds like mine. Hope you are doing well❤
The narcissist takes delight in hurting u. They are evil. Psychopathic beings. Stay away from them for ur own sanity sake
This has been the best explanation of what was going on. I’ve never met anyone like this previously. A simple response of “ok” was an attack and I was manipulating. I could continuously apologize and I was still not self aware and taking responsibility for my actions 🤦♀️. Thank you for the explanation.
To me, the worst, and most uncomprehendable is that you literally can’t reason with her. There is no way to explain to her to make her understand and see what she is doing. At first it started out as finding a soulmate, connected on so many levels, understanding each other. And slowly it became like we see a completely different reality. That’s why I stayed for a year even after I actually figured out that she is a narcissist. I just want to hurt her, or make her realize what she was doing and what she done, but I realized after one year of trying, and her final discard, that she cannot be reached, no matter what I say, how I tell her, how I show her, she is unable to realize. Like there is noone there, I am fully alone, like I am trying to reason with a ghost, or someone in a parallel universe. Whether I approached her with love, compassion, or anger, or cold logic, whether with words, action, or emotions, she simply always distorted reality, even factual, objective things. I showed her screenshots as proof of things she has done, and she always denied. I tried to make her understand that she doesn’t love me, as she was always hurting or ignoring me, but she always said she loves me so much, she is so sad she always makes me sad, and that I am always so negative. She literally told me, I should see it positively that she had sex with someone else, just because she was thinking of me during that… No matter what or how I said, she would not understand, that it is cruelty, and that she doesn’t love me. By the end, the only thing that kept me there is ‘truth seeking’, I was trying to objectively prove all the things she has done, and make her realize what she is doing, but it is impossible. It is such a lonely experience, that I just want validation and to make her understand her sins, but she is simply not there, unavailable
She made me a narcissist, too. I was living in her fantasy world, willingly. I have to admit, I knew it from the start, from day 1, my gut told me, that it is not true, you cannot become soulmates in 2 weeks, it is not normal, it is not true. I knew, that the past didn’t happen as she recounted, I knew that the future she is depicting is objectively impossible, I knew that all the things she is fantasizing is never going to happen, I knew it clearly, but I wanted it to be true so badly, that I fooled myself, I played along in her fantasy game, I knew I was assigned a role and I played it willingly. I knew what she wants me to be, and I knew I am not that, but I played the role exactly how she wanted me to, because I wanted to be that person, too. And I knew she wasn’t that person, but I wanted her to be. In fact, I could have played this fantasy delusion for very long, if only she didn’t start devaluing me. I even played along after I was 100% fully aware what’s happening and I knew she was a narc and I analyzed everything she was doing. I wanted her to play along the lies. And whenever I tried to break out of the fantasy and bring some reality (towards the end), she was always always so mad. That is the one thing she truly hated, to deny her fantasy. I could love her, hate her, be angry, whatever, as long as it was part of the fantasy world she was building. And if I wanted to be real, even if kindly, she was so mad.
She never had an intention to make the fantasy a reality and NEVER did a single action for me. All she wanted was to play along in that stupid fantasy world. She discarded me SOOO many times and hoovered me back. First I didn’t even know there was anything wrong with her and I just loved her and went along.
Its a very lonely experience indeed. One incredibly and like a contradiction as so many people experience it.
Dont b giving away your heart as if it was cheap candy. It is a treasure and u have to learn to value it. Because if u dont, no one else will. Learn to value yourselve,learn to love yourselve, learn to respect yourselve and learn that u dont need any body to b happy. I went through the experience with the Mother of my 2 kids and i learned all of the above the very hard way. Im alone and happy now. Take care n God bless u.
There might be something else going on here than a simple narcissistic relationship. He beat me, tried pretend to people that it was self defense. My daughter defended me, she mysteriously dies, he tries to blame me to his father who convinced me to start a malpractice case... He tries to lure me on a boat, he tries to gain custody of the kids. He never knew that I obtained the police and hospital report. Two years into the malpractice case, discrepancies are revealed in my daughter's autopsy. Your case is much more complicated.
@@donnahilton471No narcissistic relationship is simple. They have you believing in the fantasy they created, and it’s hard to break free and think for yourself. I’m so sorry you went though that, and I hope you can heal.
Whenever she was nice to you it was just an act !!! You have to rid yourself of her, forever and let some other fool put up with her Insanity !!!!
My older brother, had to cut him out, no contact after too many times of abusive outbursts, and accusations.
I keep reminding myself that there are more people in the world that are not narcissist than narcissists
Nailed it! Crazy making SOBs, every damn one of them. Run away as fast as you can.
You can tell Sam has far more knowledge of the condition than most ,a leading expert .. the mother figure and shared fantasy is the hidden secret .. a pursuit of mirrored perfection bouncing from one car crash to another .. once you realise you’ve dealt with an opportunistic childlike adult you can never treat them as an equal 😌a predator charmer and empty vessel feeding on your life energy
Sam was a narcissist but finally came to see who he was thru his own troubled life
I think this is one of the most important videos Sam has ever made.
I just came across your work and WOW. I’m learning everything I possibly can!!! Thank you for your dedication to this topic. You’re helping so many of us out here!!
This explains so much. I couldn't understand at first what was taking place, the accusations, blame etc, But this makes so much sense now.
You sum everything up in an amazing way, professor!!! Especially what you said about the narcissist “discard” so that he/ she can finally leave mommy/daddy, and move out of the house to become an adult. Also that this is good but it’s terrifying for them.
Sadly, some of them, in my experience, keep on repeating this pattern well into their 60s and 70s.
This actually makes me feel better to hear theyre this batty in their heads mental illness
I left my Narc wife 13 years ago and she is interfering with my life still! Our daughter trolled me on a dating website and proclaimed "Caught you"! I think she was referring to me cheating on her mom........ and I was thinking I could do what I want 13 years post divorce but no I cannot.
Ohh man i am really sorry that she used your girl against you…
This is one of your most important and informative videos. Thank you.
You have described the Narcissist in a simple clear easily understandable way in a nutshell with great analogies! More Power! More of this kind of videos! K
This gets me through November to January. Compassionate analysis of the pain on both sides of the equal sign. Genius and gentle.
Professor Vaknin, every word you said felt like you were talking directly to me about my owm personal experiences. Your explanations have a healing, validating efect and I am immensely grateful to you for taking the time to make videos such as this.
You’re on point with the names calling n distorting the situation!!!! I’m freaking going crazy! I want to cry. I love him so much! Shit! Shit! Shit!!!!!!
This video touched on so many points that are true to my relationship it made me burst into tears
Wow! You just, hit this nail, square on his head. I was a single parent to my son. I had noticed 20yrs ago his behavior, towards me.
He is now near 32. Married with 3 beautiful girls and wife. I have been discarded do to my awareness of his condition. Your presentation has been on target. Breaks my heart.
@Prof_Sam_vak Alright, I'm open. Thank you
You bowled me out
I’ve seen many videos on this topic, but your video made me cry.
It is 200% my situation. 14 years now.
I felt that. Everything you said.
But now I know that.
It is to understand actions
And I knew I’m his worst enemy
I never knew why
I absolutely love your smiling approach! It is a perfect balance of seriousness and humor. Thank you!
Other people are just extras and props in the epic saga of their life.
Right. Intuitively, it's something you can sense.
I once suggested that we (my ex and I) watch a movie after dinner and his response was to immediately accuse me of being a “master manipulator “ . Can’t make this s- up.
Lol
I made my ex drive drunk because he thought me almost getting forced off the road meant I'd cheated.
I totally believe you 💯
@@LoRaineyDayomg . Yeah, that one wins the prize 🏆.
That feeling of stunned disbelief, like this cant be real. I know it too well
My ex accused me of being a narcissist. Whatever you said about narcissism is my ex. At least he is an ex. He went off to live in his castle with his gf who is borderline. She was jealous of my life and wanted my life. She can have the story, we know how that ended. 😄
😂
very strange people and I have difficulty understand how it´s possible to be so twisted
You have beyond 100% described my child's father😅😅😅. He always thinks I'm guilty of something. He gets mad with me over every delusional thought what enters his head. These are thoughts he knows is not true🤣🤣🤣
Professor Sam these videos are a life saver. I keep meeting covert narcissists. I didn't realise how much of an empath I am and therefore fuel for emotional vampires. Thank you ❤
This was so helpful. Understanding this makes the temptation to be drawn back with lovebombing less He really can't se or feel the love I have. This is so sad. But just have to walk away. Nothing I can do.
BEST VIDEO & explanation about narcissism I've ever watched. Thank you!
the narc dont see me, i cant see them, and i DEFINITELY cant see John CENA.
@2:55 PERHAPS THE BEST ANALOGY OF THIS ASPECT I HAVE EVER HEARD, IT MAKES IT SO CLEAR IN MY MIND. THANK YOU
Professor Vaknin, thank you,
This is the only and first really educated explanation of a narcissist in TH-cam. Thank you so much for this! This is super helpful 👏
Scary accurate! I'm still tied to him through a business and I am struggling to heal. The emotional and financial losses are significant.
Seeing a therapist twice a week, and almost daily phone calls to the distress centre.
He took every shred of confidence and self-esteem. I know all of this in the video to be true, but yet I just can't get pull myself out of the depression. It's crippling my mind, my entire life 😭
Don’t take it personally. You didn’t do anything wrong. He is souless. He can’t love anyone any more than you love a car. They never loved us or anything so we shouldn’t take it so personally like a TV show is more important than us. It’s not! He’s just a psychopath with no ability to love
So on point it’s crazy. Also, hysterical. The level of delusion is just hysterical.
This is so incredibly spot on.
I was engaged to a narcissist for 7yrs. That relationship changed me. Some of the things said in this video sounded like my ex and some sound like how I am now. I worry that now I'm a narcissist.
It's not contagious. At least not to adults. Watch Sam's video about how narcissism forms. You became a hammer and now everything looks like a nail. You discovered a revolutionary way of analyzing people for your own safety and now your brain is going into overdrive. It will pass. I had the same worries.
This video has explained it better than any other I have seen.
Always turning the tables onto you?
Are they sick and need help that they will never seek for themselves?
Walk away. Stay away. Save yourself first.
Years of therapy and self reflection has taught me to be strong and finally say enough is enough.
Block them all. You will feel so much better.
Bless you all. Stay strong.
Rita Easton.
And I wondered why two men I was dating in my life hated women...🤔 I still can't believe that there are people thinking & acting like that...
My Ex wife was Narcissism dismissive avoidance,
She was always giving me silence treatment sometimes for 2 or 3 weeks
Always everything was my fault
Never she said sorry in 8 years of marriage
This confirms what I "saw". He is so combative and wants to make me the enemy. I decided there and then after his rage attack, I do not want to play his mind games. I stopped all communication with him (its been over 5months now with no communication). I see he has a new girlfriend, but its reassuring to know I am not missing out on anything 🙏
Your free and that is priceless 💞
Sooooo effin true!!!!! Their minds are gone and set and believe only sadly their own thoughts. 😢
I need to watch this video every week.
My ex would say he should have been an actor. I didn't know why he would say that but i understood later. He was the most manipulative person i have ever met. I really think it is more than childhood trauma with them i believe it's a spiritual thing. They are too much alike.
Completely agree ! They are literally demons !
I think it seems spiritual because it’s psychological which are similar.
Yeah- deprivation of oxygen at birth!!
This is exactly what I was fed by my ex. Scary how accurate this is.
Sam, I have read most of your writing and watched your videos. I appreciate your intelligence and the deep understanding of personal disorders. One thing that I need to express is your repeated statement saying ‘mother was the root cause of creating a narcissist.’ I have a son who is a malignant narcissist. I raised my sons (I have 2 adult sons) with at most thoughtful manners. I encourages them gently to become responsible, kind people, never pushed them too hard. Showered them with love, but never spoiling them. When one of them started to become very abusive to family members, started to make up stories to accuse family members with outrageous stories, all of us (my ex husband, my other son, and I) were totally disoriented and left deep injuries. He is in early 30s and now he is in serious paranoia believing novel laureate are stealing his researches, international organizations are teaming up to ‘annihilate’ him etc.
I understand that there are parents that aggravated vulnerable children driving them into NPD, or in some cases parents themselves are NPD. I think his uncle, and his grandparents had some serious traits of NPD. I cannot help my son inherited the genes. (No blaming game here. I just want to know and learn more so that I can help my son properly, and minimize injuries to the people around him including us). My son blames me for everything including his love interest didn’t love him back. NPD blames others for anything. They make up stories and believe the false stories that they concoct. I cannot help thinking when they see therapists they may tell their concocted stories to shift blame, often, their target is his mother. I think they tend to possess misogynistic tendencies. I cannot help feeling he was born this way. I think you are aware that until recently, mother was to be blamed when there was a schizophrenic child. Psychologists even coined the word ‘Schizophrenogenics’ (mother who caused the schizophrenic child). The word is not used any more after there are strong genetic indications. Many psychologists blame mothers who have suffered from her abusing sons. I request you to look deep into this and start a movement awareness among your fellow psychologists. Thank you, Sam. By one of a long-suffering mothers who love their children.
Psychotic disorders and autism spectrum disorders have nothing to do with either parent. They are biological.
My best friend had a NPD wife with sex addiction. He claims he could at all times smell female hormone on her breath and the musky scent was sexually stimulating to him. There seems to be a chicken and egg conundrum about whether the NPD caused the sex hyperactivity or vice versa. We are talking highly educated women having spur of moment sex with taxi drivers, shop assistants, bosses, lecturers, business contacts.
A second question is how does NPD fit into matriarchal societies where women had multiple partners, children were allocated a nominal “father”, long term dyadic-binary relationships were unknown, and women owned all the property. Is it possible that NPD is a default setting left over from the matriarchy, that is not so malign when viewed *from within* that context? Just asking.
Yes yes yes !!!! It’s my life with my ex husband . Nearly 9 years of hell . I am free 3 months ago I run away .
Yes at first, aside from the joy of meeting someone who's 'fallen in love ' with you, it's totally confusing what's going on not only with this individual but with our own insides, which is the more serious issue.