Love Your Narcissist? Make Him Stay, Depend on You (Tips, Resolutions)
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 19 มิ.ย. 2024
- New Year resolutions are notoriously fragile and ephemeral. But victims of abuse cannot afford this cavalier attitude: their mental - and too often physical - health depends on strictly observing the following promises to themselves:
1. I will treat myself with dignity and demand respect from others. I will not allow anyone to disrespect me.
2. I will set clear boundaries and make known to others what I regard as permissible and acceptable behavior and what is out of bounds.
3. I will not tolerate abuse and aggression in any form or guise. I will seek to terminate such misconduct instantly and unequivocally.
4. I will be assertive and unambiguous about my needs, wishes, and expectations from others. I will not be arrogant - but I will be confident. I will not be selfish and narcissistic - but I will love and care for myself.
5. I will get to know myself better.
6. I will treat others as I want them to treat me. I will try to lead by way of self-example.
7. If I am habitually disrespected, abused, or if my boundaries are ignored and breached I will terminate the relationship with the abuser forthwith. Zero tolerance and no second chance will be my maxims of self-preservation.
Buy most of my books in Amazon www.amazon.com/stores/page/60...
The narcissist is only great in the beginning....its all downhill after that. They suck after the first 3 months.
wrong perhaps you got fat and lame? 2 way street
@@moimoi4725 fat and lame in 3 months. Charlie Brown are you self reflecting 😂
@@face-in-the-crowd 😂😂😂
3 months is correct
The three months are in fact correct 👍🏻 Three - four months.
It's a miracle i am still alive, not in jail or in a mental institution.
TRUE,.. to those who have not been through narc abuse,....that sounds like exaggeration,....it is not,.. ...
You have to be a doormat, slave, provider, and insult taker, intimate free, for the rest of your life. For absolutely nothing positive in return. Then and only then will you keep the narcissist.
Exactly , it is hell on earth! My mom was or is one as well and I ended up with one! How could I not see it????!!!!!
Correct !
Now immagine a narcisist, passive agressive most of the time, sometimes escallating in outbursts like tearing an expensive shirt you bought him so that all the buttons fly on top of the Christmass tree on his and yours daugther's birthday just before you are all due to Christmas dinner at his sister's, because you told him you don't have presents ready for his family, as you do not work since your knee operation. And he is adament you must have something for them, ending in sugestion to wrap up the presents you gave him on several intimate occasions and family time, because it is just stuff! He wants to apear unselfish, but only to his sister and her family, and upon rare occassions. Because he also has an Edip syndrome focused on his 10 years older sister, who used that to pool out the weekend house off of him, expensive family graveyards, their parents money and wanted even to make him sign the apartment to her name, so that I would not get anything in our divorce. She already divorced us in her mind, ways before I gave into that suggestion, since the torture was emotional, economical, phisical, spiritual - you name it! I am wondering WHAT kind of a devilish family (though BOASTING as if they'd invented the Bible!!) have I got myself into!?? Having a dog period made it a little bit more durable, now that he is gonne, it is as if all hell broke loose again!! Afraid he is sinking into alcohol abuse on his own back at the weekend house (seams lately to go there much too often and stay longer, working "from house" long distance...
He got really fat lately, although was nice and normal, rather slim and lovely boy/man, whome I took a great care of, buying him nice and expensive clothes, matching shirts with the color of his blue eyes, taking care of his skin care and healthy vitamine intake, being always ready for sex and very gentle in the bedroom. What is to be donne? He tells me one day I am so pretty and he mooves between my legs, and the next day he says he could't care less where I will end up! Should I leave? HOW should I do that, Sam? Anyone???
@@obeyheart3667indeed..they ll discard you neverthless
@zeljkameznaric6047 You must live. You must decide what are the reasons for staying for so long with that kind of partner. What are your benefits in the end. It's not easy at all. Been there done that twice. First one 12 years, second one 5 years. 17 years of misery and sadness. What for. I have always been a source of genuine fun, full of empathy and compassion. I have been. Why. Too sad. So sorry.
This is so mf insane. I’m watching this often to remind myself to stay away and keep no contact
It’s just as he describes..
Come to me. Baby I'll love you
@@elaynemcalister4383 yep. Tried and lost my life myself n power still got abused. Come away with nothing Lost years , the other is the winner
😂
Who u telling 😮 Insane 💯🔥
I am 21. You just saved years of my life studying your vids and wondering what is happening within my relationship.
So young. I pray you are in a better place 💞
smart girl... too many women out here with sad stories of spending decades with narcs...
Happy for you. I was 21 when we got married. I had no idea. Don’t think many people were aware then. By the time I realize the hell I was in we had 2 children. We have a grandchild now and I cannot think of 1 good month in all these years. A lot of sulking, silence, spitefulness, bread crumbing and promises to change followed by accusations of “ you want to change me.” He usually states he is leaving, avoids me for months, recently 11 months, then have a sudden realization that he wants to work things out expressed with some weird apology and tears of being hurt by me, his parents etc. The “pain” I inflict on him is basically my common sense reaction to his behavior. For e.g. about a year ago he said he is moving out but not to worry because he will come by a couple times each month to do the yard and whatever else I need done. I told him those things I can do myself or pay to get done. “The things I need from you, you refused to do and is why you are leaving.” I told him when he leaves I will change the locks. He did not leave. He later expressed with tears how I hurt him and made him feel unneeded. It’s utter nonsense!! An endless circle of Craziness. Run and don’t look back. As with everything else in life, you will get over him/her. Be intentional and within a few months/years it will be a blur. Do not let the admiration others have for him/her suck you in. They are not intimately involved with him/her. You are. Its a total different dynamic and its almost hell up close.
you were lucky and i am happy for you. Some people only find out about it late in their life when most of things they might have they never will because it is too late. Don't take this blessing for granted.
So lucky!!! ❤
This is so funny AND so sad. Looking at it from the outside, it’s hard to see how we’ve let a little child trapped in the body of a grown person drive us into such a state. Reminding ourselves that they are kids and they’re living in an imaginary world, made possible only because of us (supply), allows us to take back our power.
Please choose yourself!! Don’t stay in this unhealthy relationship.
ThNk you for bringing this clarity
@@Earthether whatever your situation is that’s causing you to feel stuck, I pray that you can see yourself in a better place, so that you can create that energy and reality. You are worthy and deserving. I know all situations are different and people stay for different reasons- I definitely respect and understand that. You can and you will overcome this. Love and light. 💞
@@AlwaysHope2019 💜💞
It sick
Well said!
You know, this is what the narcissist wants... but they can become bored with you no matter what you do. And its so tiring to prop them up constantly... so much better to leave!
💯💯👍
Witness here. Battle tested. Divorcing.
When they get board they stir the pot, play people against one another, cheat, and manipulate 😂 sadly its very predictable and they are like clocks, 😂 cycle predictably and each hour on the clock is a different tactic, just side step it, don't engage and watch it explode in their face 😂
"The average mental age of MOST narcissists is between 4 & 6."
Wow...🤔
That blew me away too. People are in love with mental six year olds. 🤦🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
clever ones about 14 and dangerous
@@manyoptions5313 I know...😔🤔
Jen K Exactly. 100% nailed it. It is so hard to be around an adult that acts like that.
i feel like a pedophile 🤯🤯🤯🤯
Don't ride on that bus.....it is destined for hell!
Guaranteed 💯
Easier said than done…
The first 2-3 months of your relationship with a narcissist will be heaven on earth. Almost immediately after that it’ll take a nose dive and you will never… listen to me… NEVER be able to get it back to the way it was during the loveboming phase. I have tried repeatedly with my narcissist ex. I twisted myself into knots and let myself be a proverbial punching bag all in an effort to “hang in there” and get it back to good somehow. NOPE. You’ll never get it back. Cut your losses and RUN. If you need help I’m here. I’ll help you.
Agreed, but be careful of that last sentence. Codependency allows people to end up in relationships with narcissists. Hopefully, you have healed the wound that is causing you the codependency, otherwise you will continue to get lost in saving and fixing others. (Speaking from personal experience, FYI. My ex-fiancé was not a narcissist, but a Dismissive Avoidant [and the guy after him ...] but these videos help due to certain overlap in behaviors.)
Yes I had the same experience. I fell for the love bomb twice after breaking things off for 9 months.
They lovebomb til they know they got you. Once they know u adore and love him and are special to him, he retracts and is repulsed by it. Only he can have access to himself. The deepest parts...
There is a video Sam made about how narcissist and borderline mesh and flip diagnoses.
He wants your body, not your soul!
he wants to kill your soul
Beautifully said. They want what you can do for them. Your soul does nothing for their gain. Your opinions are not welcome, even if you agree.
O he wants your soul just not in the nice ways 🤣
He wants your soul b/c he doesnt hv one. He'll suck it in like a vampire!
What are they going to do with both as they are empty child like beings 😢
This video is helpful bc it explains why I acted the way I did when I was with a narc. I mirrored his behavior as a defense mechanism. After I left him I spent a lot of time analyzing my past behavior to confirm with myself that I actually wasn’t a narc also. I had to mirror him while I was with him to be able to survive.
While you're with them, it's like being in an alternate reality. They aren't like "normal" people and the cognitive dissonance it creates in your mind keeps you trying to fix it. It took me almost 6 years to wake up. I'm trying not to be too hard on myself, but ... damn!
Yes it really help me alot
I'm going to get through this with 🙏
@@KiKi-te9yd 😂😂😂 same
@@mensatic yes ELily the Cognitive Dissonance..even that at first caused me to doubt myself at first..but it's undeniable at some point. Good Luck
What kind of life would that be..fluffing the narc all day all night..depressing!
Many women like it
@@wothin women?
@@victoriacampbell5877 female narcs will do it. narc personality is to want what they don't have an if they have it they don't want it. It's like a game of cat an mouse. They can play that game for years until they find new supply.
@@victoriacampbell5877 yes
@@chriscorbart basically a relationship with a narc is a superficial relationship. The narc sells a image. They either want a doormat or a partner in crime.
I haven’t laughed this hard in a long time. How to treat a narcissist like a god and keep a straight face. It is a farce. U have to be dumb or unconscious. Thank u Sam.
@@sibbebladh8661 Got sense of humor? Nah.
Me too!!!
My favorite line was "You do not have administrator rights, you are just a user".
Made me spit my coffee clean across the bedroom. 😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂
Same!! It's the concise manner in which he articulates and delivers this otherwise fuckry tips that has me rolling. 😁😂 😭 😂 he said "be nothing less than thunderstruck by the narc, be in awe of them" 😂😂 I- cannot.
Lolol😂😂😂😂
Very good advice. You are very wise.Thank you.
Glad to know I did everything wrong to keep the narc happy 😆
0
😅😅 same
Ha ha
hahah thanks for this laugh!!! true true true, joke is on him
It's like completing forgetting you exist and living in a complete false world.
very accurate! holy shit
Yep ....I am out
It is incredibly difficult to heal from the narcissistic abuse. But please believe me, once you leave your self esteem will return. It took me 3 years. It is a long hard road, but you will never heal if you stay with him/her
FACTS!
A negative mindset literally pulls everything inward towards them. At a subatomic level, energy ripples towards the nucleus of atoms instead of away...
This is why narcissists are soooooooo drainingggg
That makes me very sad...No Hope they can feel real Love ...have a Heart liké us ...No Hope they reciprocate our unconditionnel love ...it breaks m'y Heart ....
I wish i could be the one to heal his inner child. But only he or God can...
Screw that! Just walk away.
True! I just divorced my narcissist husband today.
Well looks like you didnt actually watch this video. That is the message here if course; this man is the original "no contact with the narcissist" doctor.
@@shaznieffahzakaria7881right behind you
I relate very well to this video. My husband is very wealthy and we lived an amazing lifestyle. All on his terms of course. To give him up and his bad behaviour, I had to also give up the lifestyle, my home and my financial security.
At the time I was just working it out that he was a covert narcissist. I did not have the knowledge I have now and always wondered if I could of stayed.
Well it's over 2 years since I left him. The bad narcissism behaviour was 10 fold since leaving.
Many court appearances and three months now until a property settlement trial, that he can't possibly win.
After listening to this video by Sam I realized that staying would of been a lifetime of abuse. He would of been a full time job x 2. Keeping myself sane would of been beyond challenging.
I have surprised myself with my strength and courage. Moved states. I have a job. Bought my own home and brought him to court.
He told me 'I was nothing' the day I left.
Well I guess he was wrong.
Too all the people out there, fighting the fight against being abused by a narcissist, soldier on. Be steadfast, unwavering and bull headed.
No contact is your best weapon.
Amen! My story precisely…just now going through the separation. I haven’t worked in years. I’m scared to death but I just can’t live like this anymore. I have the lifestyle and EVERYTHING a woman could want, except the “man” himself” , and I feel as if I’ve literally died of starvation inside. It’s time!
@@ashleyh5101 😢 my heart goes out to you. You CAN do this!!! In 53 and worked my whole life. I grew up poor and lived on a shoestring until I married him at 42..,I can’t take it anymore. And even though I make more than him.. pay the mortgage - that I’m not even on!!! I’m STILL scared to be in my own. I have to give up the big house, all the stupid Narc gifts. I can do it too! Slowly but each day I inch closer!
You can too!!
We might be nothing, but the narcissist is even less than nothing
@ashleyh5101 me too1 married less than a year, DV divorcing
Denise, hope you still doing weĺl!🙏🏻🤗
When put this way, absolutely I do not want to stay with my ex-narc. It took hearing it a different way to really understand that my marriage would never have lasted.
Right?! Absolute perfection!!!
This video really highlighted the lengths and depths (especially the depths) that we can sink to. A different approach in this teaching, that P Sam described the behaviors, the role one must play as/if they choose to continue the relationship with a narc. Woe.
When I was married I LITERALLY did all the things that Sam said to do to "keep" one.... It killed my soul. I've been divorced for 3yrs and I've never been better. I'm a single mom with 5 kids and I am doing better than when I was married to him, which just seems bizarre.. I do have to co-parent. My kids already can tell something is wrong with him, they were aware before the divorce, it's hard because they love their Dad but they don't even want to be with him as much as they have to be... The weirdest thing he ever said, but makes perfect sense now, is when I was reading and changing my daughter he said.. "I wish you treated me and loved me like that."
Really creep. But now I understand.... BUUUUTTT!!! NEVER GO BACK! DON'T STAY!
If you do you gotta realize there's something really wrong with you too.
Omg my narc was jelous of my cuddling with my cat or particularly enjoying a treat!
I'm so happy you were able to break free with your babies! I can scarcely imagine the absolute strength and resolve to be able to achieve that. I hope you and your family are all safe and happy and thriving. I have 3 (1 adult and 2 under 10) and I'm so scared of my next move. I'm in the stage now where I'm on the verge of losing health of body and mind if I don't leave. It's so sad and tiring. I educate myself and it helps a lot but I literally fear a life without his mirage and that really makes me doubt my inner resolve
1. This is the saddest message.
2. These are the same strategies I have used with every boss I ever worked with.
3. So treat the narcissist like he/she is your benevolent tyrant boss.
😕
4. This is also the most important insight into the narcissistic mind.
5. Thank you so much, Sam.
Narcs are a straight off losing game
Really, so true, it's like he's describing some bosses I've worked for, and most of the guys I've known in the past. The immaturity, this explains it all!!
Sam: "they have arrested development."
They are looking for their 2nd mom, someone to take care of them and all of their needs. Sounds very familiar!!!🙎♂️
@@gennyzentella4692 absolutely well they do what they want and give nothing back and go out and cheat
Truth ❣️✌️💛💪🌻🥰
My last boss asked me (challenging me) what my IQ was and straight after went and told me his. 😂 this is the same boss that have done more mistakes than any boss before.
I wish I knew this guy and his channel in the early 90's! He should be in every high school educating our young ones before they get into a relationship!
Rightly said... I literally want this knowledge to be imparted through school education, it's that important
Sam you never disappoint. I laughed so hard. You are a genius.
Lp
I am really enjoying the rich vocab. So refreshing.🤩
I'm not laughing though :/
Hahaha" look Thunderstrucked" cracked me up.
genius!!! 😁
It is hilarious but absolutely true.
Dear Monica .Only laughing ..Now.Wasn't so funny then.
Hahahahah I lol at that part too!
That part tickled me for the longest😂😂
This was my 20 year relationship with my ex. How embarrassing! Now, someone else has this fine position. I'm so happy for her! 😄
Are you actually?
I'm terrified for my narcs next "realationship" I wouldn't wish him upon anyone.
Laura C A person who cheats on their spouse is despicable and their lover isn’t much better. I’m not about to worry for a person who doesn’t have the morals to stop themselves from having an affair with a married person and doesn’t consider the feelings of that person’s spouse. Cheaters can’t be trusted. They made the choice to ignore the fact that it’s typical for cheaters to tell lies about the state of their marriage and to ignore the lack of morals in the object of their affection. They’ve first hand knowledge that they’re with or have married a person that will cheat on their spouse. If misfortune falls upon them, it’s karma. They behaved immorally.
@@RoxyAnny..8b what you talking about? Who's talking about cheaters and morals. I'm saying I wouldn't wish my narc ex on anyone
Laura C I’m sorry I confused you. I know what you said so I could have worded my comment better. My intent was to show how my view is different than yours and more like Cathie who you were replying to. No criticism on you, nobody right or wrong here. Although taking the high road as you have can easily be argued as having more merit. I did feel as you do until I realized their relationship started while I was still married to him. I don’t think she deserves trauma nor do I wish it for her. But it’s what one risks when making poor choices so I don’t have a lot of empathy for her either.
@@laura42321 when I found out about her, I tried to talk to her, woman to woman. I told her that I did not know about her, I was not ok with their arrangement, and there was another woman as well. She accused me of lying to her to "upset her" and that I was manipulative. From then on, there was no talking to her and she deserves everything she gets. She's been with him now for 5 years. She's a good supply.
My narc starved me of simple gestures of affection and consideration. He acted haughty and dismissive. He said “ no talking, no touching”. My body reacted to his unfairness: my hair fell out in clumps. My mind fell into despair while my aching heart cried to hold onto him. Divided self is a recipe for mental illness. Dating a shitty person is an unmitigated disaster.
@Eun Chung you found yourself a heartless robot. Did you know that sex robots can show you better affection? Not saying that you should get one with the fact that one can get affection from a robot says something about this human narc.
"Dating a shitty person is an unmitigated disaster"...truer words were never spoken.
That one's gonna stay with me for a while...thank you. 👌
Ugh -- I feel that risk! Thanks for sharing.
Sorry .
Thank you for this. Being detached and unaffected by the narcissist’s unwanted behavior is key. My ex was like a dog that could sense fear or a shark that could smell blood in the water from miles away. He knew when I wasn’t feeling good about him...regardless of how hard I tried to conceal it. I’m far too sensitive and transparent (not to mention self-respecting) for these strategies. No contact it is, and shall remain.
I am the exact same way. Its like people can smell it on me. Not just my narc ex but other people as well. I am currently trying to go no contact (also with a restraining order) but he is still finding ways to get to me. I am honestly fearful for my life! I have done as much healing and moving on as I can but I feel his behavior is escalating for sure. It has been so many years and I am still being used as supply, even his gf is helping him. I hope things change soon but I am fearful it will end badly. I hope someone can save this comment incase something happens to me. I feel its only a matter of time. He has abused me and threatened my life with a loaded gun in the past and I am afraid that won't be the worst thing he does to me. I hope someone remembers me
Heather McDowell please find a safe place with safe people to look after you. There are so many resources out there. Wishing you health and wellness and praying for your safety. 🙏🏾✨
@@meaganharris9785 thank you so much! I wish I could feel safe at home with my husband and children but unfortunately as of late this has been the very place he decides to try to intimidate and stalk me. He's refused to meet in public places and is insisting on coming to my home and me going to his. Ro has only been in effect for a few weeks but he is using other people to get around it.
@@heathermichelle7261 Feed a poor family every week, and God will protect you. Like 15 dollars in food.
@@heathermichelle7261 Hi there, just saw this and wanted to check in on you. It has been a year now, and your narc sounds quite scary. Mine has some pretty bad behaviors, too, so I understand where you are coming from. I hope you are doing okay, and even more, I hope you are out and safe! ❤
In sum, be a psychopath to handle a narcissist :-)
Exactly... exactly this 👆🏾
I love this, exactly xD
Lol and they still discard u!
I'm thinking it take less effort than this to train a dog 🐕
It's not my greatest aspiration to become a psychopath together with a narcissist, how nice it is to be alone
I am speechless. This man’s understanding of being with a narcissist is complete, and 100 percent accurate, Like a surfer has respect for the power of the ocean, like a lion tamer has respect for the lion, like a firefighter has respect for the fire, he knows the power a narcissist has (how evil he is) and the hurt and damage they can do to a person. Most people come out of a relationship with a narcissist with ptsd. That’s the same mental illness our soldiers from Vietnam bam came back with, that’s the mental illness people who have suffered deep, prolonged horrific abuse have. So you have to realize the magnitude of emotional damage these people are capable of doing to you. A narcissist is just one step away from the devil.
CPTSD - not the same like PTSD. And the devil bit was a bit over the top.
The western understanding of satan is of as a narcissist. Most fictional narcissists have what the youth call “main character syndrome”
O.g., dr Vaknin admitted he was a narcissist himself, but as anyone can see he's highly educated and intelligent, if indeed he is one... 🤔
Yes, this is strongly inadvisable. You would lose yourself completely and become an utter nutcase trying to maintain this.
He's obviously using humor to get folks to leave narcissist
facts
After 34 years of marriage, I finally saw who my covert narc was and left, no contact. My grown kids thought this was awful. I knew many of but not all of these “rules” for keeping the peace. I appreciate you sharing your wisdom. I am learning so much about who I was, am and can be. I used to be a narc magnet but can now spot a narc before I invest any time. I have found self respect.
💯
Beautiful ❣️✌️💛🌻💪🥰
Sam Vaknin: You have to leave your narcissist.
You: I dunno... I dont wanna.
Sam Vaknin: Ok then, this is what you have to do if you want to stay.
You: 'boards a space shuttle and leaves the planet narcissist lives on'
😭😭😭 not a space shuttle.
Exactly my thought..
yes! so great
@@karriesaunders8597 😅😅😅😅😅😅😅😅😅😅😅😅😅 I had to laugh. Oh God help us !
30 years married, did all the above, he was making me ill, negative energy, cheated, lie. Had to end it. Toxic.
30yrs😭😭thank u, my 14yrs is too little then,
Im sorry . That still many yrs dealing with one. Now healing begins.🙏🏼
❤
This makes me sick to my stomach to hear. I lived with my narc for 18 years conditioned to behave in this way. I lost all of myself and became everything for him. I thought this was the only way to survive. My children and I suffered greatly and still do from his behavior.
Luckily you didn't get married to him, like I did!! 11 years of fake marriage
@@dawnevans0602 we were married before he walked out on me and our children. I only said lived because we are in a 2 year long divorce that he is dragging me and our children through it all. Going on 3 years and so much money wasted on attorney fees from ridiculous pleadings.
@@jaimehuffman298 I understand! I'm on that one too! Good Luck with everything!
@@dawnevans0602 Thank you and you as well 👍🏽
i wish i knew this about him.. blaaahhhhhhh
I will be sure to do the complete opposite of what you suggested 😜
I’d also like to add, I never take anything he says personally. I know myself, and will stay with him, until I won’t anymore.
Just remember it IS NOT one size fits all. Narcissists come in as many shades as there are people. Many are just as helpless as a 4 year old, clueless of their inner workings...and just as loving in their own childish ways!
Narcissists fit into personality type A group with BPD, Histrionic personality disorder, and Antisocial personality disorder.
I love to listen your guides, talks , explanations of human psychic conditions. You are brilliant !!!
I definitely agree....I wanted to hear more so I hit the subscribe button.🙌🏼
No contact saved my life and my sanity!! Thank you!
The ending was so empowering I have written it down to read and re read and keep as a promise to myself which I will stand strong and apply . Thankyou Dr. Sam Vaknin
31:33- My resolutions:
Victims of abuse cannot afford a cavalier attitude
Our mental and physical health depend on strictly observing the following promises to yourself -
1 - I will treat myself with dignity I will demand respect from others I will not allow anyone to disrespect me
2 - I will set clear boundaries and I will let other people know what is permissible and acceptable Behavior and what is off limits and out of bounds
3 - I will not tolerate abuse I will not tolerate abhorrition in any shape or form or co-disguise I will seek to terminate such misconduct instantly and unequivocally and if i cant i walk away
4 I will be assertive and unambiguous about my needs wishes and expectations
I will not be arrogant but I will be confident
i will be assertive I will not be
self-effacing i will not be Meek
I will not be selfish
I will not be grandiose
i will not be narcissistic
I will not be haughty
but I willI love myself I will care for myself
I come first in the best sense of the word
For me to love others I must love myself
For me to take care of others i must first take care of myself
5 I will get to know myself better I will study myself I will make myself a topic of study I will render myself my project
6 I will treat other people as I want them to treat me I will try to lead by way of example
7 If I am habitually disrespected , If I am regularly abused or if my boundaries are constantly ignored and breeched i will go no contact I will break up I will terminate the relationship with the abuser forthwith . zero Tolerance! zero tolerance ! first strike and you’re out And no second chance. Good luck.
How’s this going? It’s easy to say, but can be hard to do.
Thank you!
I'm exhausted ...I'm setting a trap for him ..I'm pulling the mat straight from underneath him ..thanks Sam just saved my life😅
So basically I must kill everything about me to be with him. Make him happy and be miserable until my death.
Add to that they will never give you credit for doing it for them....and if they do it will be because you are weak 😵😵💫
@@gwenwood6136 They will tell you I never told you to do it
This was a masterclass in using the reactance of co-dependants who, like narcissists, are also arrested in their development and often exhibit behaviors of a young child, thus the effectiveness of the reverse-psychology. Bravo Sam!
Over my dead body
I foolishly did ALL of this for my ex narc. He still discarded me and never returned.
Good for you!!!
I did as well but I finally got enough!! I just couldn't do it anymore. I was broken!
Thank God!
Well I was wrong! my ex came back last week knocking at my door ! I didnt answer it !
@@krystlelewis1489 how long did it take for him to return?
This was a comedic one ... I kept laughing helplessly through this 😂
Me to this kind of mythod will turn me into one😂
I’m diggin the mini mouse cup Mr Vaknin!
My husband is a narcissist, and the first 3 months of my marriage has been like taking a roller coaster through hell and I feel like I’ve just entered although it feels like I’ve been in fit for years now! Time slows down, life becomes dull and there is nothing to extricate from this relationship. I’ve already endured the gaslighting, the rages, infidelity, tantrums and so much more. I cook for him and he throws a tantrum finds a problem with the food and says he won’t eat. I dress up and put makeup on, and he puts me down and compares me to animals from the zoo. It’s like the more I do the less appreciative he is, and he breaks me down even more. He’s not a sadist narcissist where he enjoys my tears etc, but he’s just a “why are you crying? If you cry that’s your problem” and he just doesn’t care! He thinks crying is used as manipulation against him. I genuinely dread spending the day with him, I’m just lucky he works most of the time. It’s like he purposely orchestrates arguments, he doesn’t want peace.
I have stopped cooking for him. I have stopped wearing makeup around him. The culture I’m married into they say “Make more effort for your husband, intice him and wear provocative clothing” this isn’t me so I do that! And I make an effort with my makeup and even putting food in front of him, he seems very dull and doesn’t show any attention or make any moves on me. Naturally I ask him what’s wrong! I ask why he married me since he doesn’t see all the effort I put towards him. And he says “you’re crazy” I tell him you don’t see or appreciate me, it’s like he’s in a hall of mirrors and can only see himself. I told him he doesn’t want me it’s clear ( I consider myself an attractive woman and I have many suitors yet he doesn’t see it or care) anyway despite making things better his response is “if you act like this I will not been intimate with you for years..” I know he meant it! Who says this??!! We have been married 3 months. When he flirts with other women I’m just thinking what are you showing them because there is nothing special about a man who once he’s secured a woman puts her down, doesn’t compliment her, doesn’t want to be intimate, throws tantrums and rages when she does things for him. You can’t win with these people. I think the worst things for me is his tantrums, and gaslighting is just something I can’t handle.
I’m married into a culture where divorce is the hardest thing, and honestly sometimes I just want to run away. I’m so exhausted mentally, emotionally and physically. I’ve become so broken since being married to him, I’m always emotional and don’t want him to see it. Before marrying him I was all about self worth and self love. I don’t let another person define my self esteem but I’m drained with him I can’t take this anymore. I would have left him if it wasn’t for my culture and he knows this too. So he doesn’t even love bomb me in the marriage. He knows I know who he is I’ve had enough experience with narcissists from my life I know how they work.
He also wants to have children with me, so he can trap me for real. I’m suffering now you want my kids to suffer with you too. I don’t think so. I just can’t end this marriage so soon so I’m buying time so it doesn’t look bad, and if I have compelling evidence against him I can walk away. But he covers his tracks and gaslights.
He only likes the chase and wants to be validated, once you give him that he doesn’t want you anymore or care about you loving him it’s pointless. Impressing him? Forget it. Don’t waste your time.
Im reading your story.Its heart breaking.How are you doing now?
Get out beautiful one
❤
Basically, you suggested to eliminate the meaning of your existence to be with him. How sad!
What is the point of keeping him when the essence of you no long exist.
I agree. How sad!
@@aniakolobius2186 for monety for example or because of fear.
Blue Snow, people who are willing to do this, obviously have no meaning in their existence, so sadly, they have nothing to loose
I know two women that did that ! One will direct or indirect kill her the other is a life of confusion and torture ! Stupid much comes to mind !!
Can't love someone who doesn't love you back. Reach out and get slapped and it leads to no contact.
They’re cowards when confronted they Run because you remind them how small they’re !
Yes, cowards they are, can't even have a normal conversation. They walk away, no explanation, discard you like nothing, use you, abuse you, and the silent treatment, it's insane. To them it's just a game, they play with people until they're tired or till you get rid of them first! They're childish but very destructive!!
I have no contact , which has saved my life, yep I’ve had enough of his abuse
My mother did all of this for 40 plus years and she is deceased now. She was especially emotionally and financially dependent on the narcissist. My father is still alive. I went no contact a long time ago, I couldn't stand it.
Absolutely brilliant. I had to leave the narcissist, he was abusive but Sam Vaknin hits all nails on the head.
The best thing that happened to me was to escape
And 12 months when he didn’t know where I was
gave me time to become stronger
No contact was the best solution
And I got ready to kill and I did
I have won an international court case against me which was not defendable under normal circumstances
But I have fully understood what happened to me only 3 years ago ,when I have discovered your channel professor and Richard Grannon’s spartan reality xxx
Thank you great video
Omg 3 months since discard and its getting worse I am afraid to sleep. He had affairs he says I'm mad and paranoid even after so many many years of lies and cheating and gaslighting and passive aggression. I am aching to just disappear and run away from it l and I feat there's worse to come. All lies and the smear campaign but he has my children and says they're coming home but I don't believe him and think he's going for custody. I'm a mess. No one believes me because it's so crazy. But it's real. I want to run for my life but I won't ever leave my kids 9r give them up to him and the future they will have to suffer with his neglect and cold disinterest and empty loveless life.
@@ashleytallentire im so sorry to hear that its hell aye
In other words be a fantastic actor.
I've seen so many videos on narcissists, etc. but this one is the best by far! It tells you straight as it is. Do's and don'ts. "If you wish to stay, go ahead, but don't tell me I didn't tell you so." I am trully thankful for this video, it helped me see a bigger/clearer picture. I've been struggling with leaving, but becoming a robot is smth I simply will not allow myself. Thank you for this!
Mine has pointed out I speak to him like a robot...lol
I was talking like robot too 🤖
OMG... don't do anything but nod, agree and be still. What a life.
This is the most comic and intelligent description/permission/advice I heard about staying with the narc and don't go "no contact". Until the end of the video, everyone who had thoughts about giving second chance or staying in this narc train would want to jump outside, even if the train is still in movement.
:-)))))))
I'm laughing because I did exactly the opposite, to my ex-narc, didn't realize until recently I was crushing him to the bone with my words and education, and pointing out his gaslighting, lies, nonsense education, nonsensical statement.
I had even brought up that maybe he has abandonment issues and was a looney with his delusions. Flipped his mind. He finally realized he couldn't enslave me and I ditched him. Since then he's been telling everyone - anyone of exaggerated defaults of mine.
4-5 yo Child psychology techniques? 😂😂😂😂 Funny.
Basically be his mommy 🥴
Taking care of a baby that never grows up.
XD “you can be overtly manipulative with your compliments and they will not notice”
Truth
LMAO, true
😅🤣🤣🤣
I didn’t know that you originated the no contact method and mirroring techniques.You are so insightful and honest about the narcissist dynamic.Thank you for highlighting the intricacies of the situation.
I did it too in 1997 , I knew that only way to keep my sanity is to cut all contact with her. She broke through some open holes of communication couple of times in the next 20 years, but I healed and moved on.
NO DISRESPECT...HAHAHAHAHA... WOW!!!! OMG! FOR 23YRS. I LEARNED HE WAS SELFISH AND ENTITLED... BUT, THIS IS TOO MUCH! IN A CRAZY WAY, IT ALL MAKES SENSE! THANK YOU!
I needed over twentyfive years to unterstand that nobody has the right to insult me in any form. Brilliant Video! Nothing is more important to hear as a victim: Absolutley Nobody have the right to cross your boundaries. Can´t say it enough!(sorry for my english)
Same here 25 years!! 🤣🤣
@@MO-cf8tl 😂
Dr. Sam, your work is incredible. You are a blessing to many. I laughed so hard in this video, bc I understood that your shocking advices on “how to stay” were just the blunt realities on why NOT to stay. 😊 you are appreciated, please continue your good works. 🙏🏻 many blessings.
One of your best analysis
You warn the victim to run for their life by choice... If not they will become:”Osmose inversée”
Wow! 🤓
“Run Forest, Run...”
Thank you 👍😁🙋
This describes Ghislain Maxwell exactly
Mine fancies himself the next Jim Jone's, wants people to follow and worship him.
You live in the White House?
I wanted to be his long lost mother but I also wanted to be his Wife. My conflict; nurturing a boy yet wanting to love a man. We disagreed. I had to discard him. Tragedy.
I got out after 18 months. It might be mainly men but women do this too. To the letter. This video is helping restore my sanity after the soul destroying experience.
It s so true! "Never offer your help to them"...whenever he was trying to operate a new device, he never wanted to read instructions manual, and became annoyed when I was offering help. Even in the small details, all Prof. Vaknin says makes so much sense. Thanks a lot.
accept that you are special but *only to yourself*
They was hating on you in '95 I'm glad people got some sense years later ❤
I watched this just to know what to do to drive away and repel a narcissist.
There's no doubt I did a couple of those things in the past (like agreeing on everything they say & do and avoiding conflicts). Never again, though.
Thats exactly what i did....went from being an asshole to somebody who couldnt stand his bigotry anymore...and that made him abusive....i was actualy enjoying it for a while seeing how my negation could upset him....and would add more negation....and then i walked away...abandoned the narc.
No contact is the only strategy just walk away and keep walking never turn around… keep walking!
Wow that's so true and weird - he made me feel "worthy, shine and alive" while transforming into his image, his mommy, his slave 😳 but meanwhile I realized, that all I enjoyed so much of him, was just the reflection of my light and power 🤔 really weird. It seemes like he would be the only full functional mirror to me
Exactly... babies inside their fragile bubble... constantly reminding you how vulnerable they are so you need to be extremely careful not to hurt their bubble...
unfiltered truth
It sounds EXHAUSTING!! Any sliver of a doubt I had about staying No Contact just went out the window...
Hope you stayed safe
Wow! Everything you said rings true to my ears. My naivety and need for attention fell right into the hands of a toxic, pathetic, alcoholic narcissist. I almost left my kind, good, and wonderful husband for the pos that he is.
I am so ashamed of myself. 😢
This is eye opening! Best to move on
Haha. I have done this "exaggerated awe". In fact, I dashed away to get paper and a pencil so that he could give me an "accurate and up to date" list of the things I needed to change about myself in the middle of a heated argument. He (with awe at how evolved I was.. that I had so many shortcomings) happily obliged. I refer to that list when I need a good laugh, or need to request an update...lol
That was too funny! 🤣 I hear so often my own flaws, I think I may have to try it as well. I'm sure he would be just as happy to rattle them off. It will be good to have his list as a reminder, too, as to why I don't want to return to him. They truly are insufferable!
I'm at the point in my life where I do not want a relationship. So a narcissist who has great sexual talents is very welcome. I'll never trust them so we have to meet at a hotel not allowed in my house 😂
🤣
You know!!!!!
😂😂😂😂😂
...and then, after you do all of this, for say, oh, your entire life, he starts getting old, and his body and mind are not as sharp as they once were, which makes him angry.
I couldn't help listen to this ....after leaving my love, my best friend, my married man after more than 35 years........and dating him off and on for 8 years before getting married...... I spent so much time.....needing and wanting to know how I could keep him when he suddenly was discarding me, about 7 years ago. I couldn't understand, because I was fit and attractive and we had 5 beautiful children, we played hockey together, moved houses together; why he was treating me worse and worse; when he had me on a pedestal for so long.......it was because he was becoming more and more ill, and I challenged what he did and what he said....... and he could not tolerate it. I couldn't help but laugh at your advice, "agree with everything he says", so true, so true! But I couldn't do it.. and what a dark place in time that became. Thank you for the verification of what I began to understand when I realized what he was thinking. Its no longer sad, or heartbreaking.....just picking up the pieces of those that I loved and bringing them back, if I can. I've lost my love for him in all the many, many cruel manipulations of my brother, my father, my 5 children against me; and now some of my grand children. For so long, I tried so hard to get him back......until I realized he would only treat me worse if I did. I tell myself now and its probably true......he would destroy me if he could.
How sad he needs a slave 🤣🤣🤣
Sad, wow, you have go threw something like that.
Did I write that w/o knowing it?...what you just said is my life. It's been a waste of my Love, my time and my efforts. Still dealing...
I kept the peace for 28 years for the sake of my children. Sadly I didn’t realise I was enabling him. Now I feel angry and will start doing the opposite!!
Thank you Sam, very interesting video. I’m starting a full time job next week and keeping my wages. First time in 30 years! Can’t wait to see his face...
I’m not allowed to keep wages separately. How will you?
@@dilciaenid57
Neither was I. When I started my job I had my wages paid into my account and then transferred some to the joint account.
Take small steps. Even if you pay 90% into a joint account you can keep a little for you ❤️
My narcissist gets so excited when he talks about making food in his job. He's the one who "makes the dressing the best." No one makes it like him. I'll praise it from now on lmaoooo
Write an email to his boss like you’re the customer and tell him how good the dressing is 😂😂😂
@@MinnieTyko genius lol
Yes!! And tell him that nobody could ever do what he does and that he should sell it so the whole world can see how truly intelligent and successful he is lol
Lol im screaming but yesssss
My ex narc always was the best on his job, he even said the CEO didn't know what he was doing 🤣
Thank you for your videos. It gives me an insight of how they operate. Knowledge is power.
Imagine being with a narcissistic and in a BDSM 24/7 dinamic. That’s me, yup. Thanks for the guide.
Yes Amen Dr! The behaviors that affect me, I can modify to set me Free. Thank You for your words and love to help us all. I will Treat myself with dignity. Set boundaries. No tolerating abuse. I will not be arrogant be humble. I must take care of myself. I am my own Project. Zero tolerance. Amen.
Thanks Sam🇺🇸🛐
Osmotic poisoning. That is such a powerful visual because it can feel that way..
I feel like I've had a transfusion of poison in my veins...
This is hilarious and in fact a game. 🤣🤣😂...figured this out awhile ago. I agreed to ALL the negative things this person said about me, and put him on a pedestal of who he tries to be...You have to be completely detached emotionally in order to do so. Know who YOU are and validate yourself. Become self reliant. I did that to have a place to stay for some time, but I got annoyed and refused to keep it up...so yea, I got put out 🥴🙅🏾♀️🤣🧚🏾♂️
Not soon after we married, I became pregnant. I went from being a trophy wife (I had a high-profile and highly coveted position with an international brewary), to being completely ignored. For over twenty years. After he was terrified of me outing his sex addiction, he systematically destroyed all I have ever known, and here I am. Ya'll run if there is a sense of any abusive narcissistic agenda in your person.
So to stay with a narsissist is to allow him to cheat and lie and show empathy without asking question.. I’d better stay single 🤣🤣🤣🤣
Ahaha you are right 😂
likely you'll be alone anyway
Professor- you have just opened my eyes...😮😢😢 I needed that. Very strong message... Im in pieces after being dumped, but at least I know what I was dealing with. My therapist suggested that my man could be immature and unfixable, so this is what she ment. She wanted to break it down gently. I was abused by a narcisst😢
In all situations is so important to see what is the role that we are playing in a victim/abuser relationship. “It takes two for Tango”. We should always ask ourselves, “Yes, this is such a bad relationship, why is it then that I can’t let go?” If we are there it’s because we are getting something out of that dynamics, even subconsciously. It’s called the “benefit of the disease”. What is the gain I get out of this relationship, in spite of the pain? Which of my neglected needs is this relationship fulfilling? Can I take control of my life and fulfill them in any other way?
So true
I've noticed a pattern with narcissists I've seen that although all narcissists have the idealize, devalue, and discard phases, it is within their own unique time limit. For example my ex who broke up with me after a year of being together also broke up with his next girlfriend after roughly a year and I had a feeling this would happen and there are some narcissists that go through the phases much more quickly with all of their victims, like for a few months. I wonder why this is so, a set time frame for each narcissist before discarding. A certain number of months or years but it would be almost exactly the same with all of their victims. What outside elements in the narcissists upbringing would contribute to their timeframe of discarding victims later on in life?
Yes, it's a true and they know that their relationships have a certain life span. I've been with two who knew that their relationships usually last for 3-5 months. They seemed okay with that fact and when asked about the reason for this, they just said something along the lines of "it just fell apart after a while." They didn't seem to have any self-awareness nor accountability for this falling apart thing. lol