nah,is it just me who feels comfortable with talking to 40 year old women than the regular early 20s year old? I had friend I went to uni with who I got a long and I think also has undiagnosed autism but she started being nasty to me because “I say the wrong thing” which pisses me off so much because other day in my class, people in my CHILDCARE class were loudly OPENLY talking about their sex lives and getting with loads of men and THAT WASNT A PROBLEM? but when I accidentally say something wrong, which isn’t offensive, people take offence and im a problem? SORRY FOR THE RANT 😭 I needed this video from the other day.
If you unmask, you will feel more genuine. It doesn't mean that you will feel better. Because unmasking will come with a lot of negatives. You'll end up pretty lonely, but at least you will feel like you aren't living a fake life. I have been unmasked for 7 years now. Think of it this way. If you mask, you will have "friends". They won't really be your friends because the person that they are "friends" with, isn't the real you. So, you can have fake friends and pretend to be someone else, or be the real you. Your choice!
Wow, Dana, you really hit the nail on the head with how people sometimes tolerate us with that ‘not too annoyed but still kind of impatient’ look. The way you described it was spot on! I’ve felt that so many times but never could put it into words as perfectly as you just did. Your perspective on masking really got me thinking too-I’ve always felt this tension between coping strategies and the idea of masking, and it’s like, yeah, I get why we talk about masking, but at the same time, sometimes it feels like I’m just figuring out how to cope, you know? I love how you’re sharing your story. You’re brave for putting yourself out there and I really appreciate the light you’re bringing to the community. You’ve got such a way with words-it makes me feel more connected and understood. Thank you for helping us reflect on these things. Keep sharing, your journey is so powerful! ✨
Yup. I'm not necessarily autistic (i.e. I suspect so, but not confirmed as online tests are not a diagnosis), but either way, as someone who's in the larger ND umbrella (e.g. I had "special" ed in my early schooling) getting those kind of looks certainly describes my experience. It has felt like most people, even many (but not all) within my own family, are often just barely/politely tolerating my existence both as a kid, and as an adult. As a result, as I've gotten older I tend to prefer solitude, and be more self-reliant when possible.
I'm someone who gave up on masking really early--about 10th grade. I just tried to develop real social skills--which meant being fairly authentic and having a lot of people think I was weird or unpleasant. But at least whatever social skills I was developing, I was still really there. it was me. And this meant that eventually there weren't all that many situations that I couldn't handle--mainly just situations with too much noise and confusion. Just yesterday, I was WAY too forthcoming to a new customer, and his wife definitely thought I was weird and maybe even crazy. I could see that. And I thought "I wish I had toned that down about three steps." But I'll do good work, and they'll be okay with it, and I'll get paid. I've never scripted at all. I just wing it, and I really only have the one personality. i don't have a repertoire. When I interviewed for graduate school, I got in a big fight with the head of the department over an author I really liked. I got in anyway, but it wasn't as if I thought for one minute beforehand how I should present myself. I hoped I would be liked and respected, but I didn't change who I was, and it turned out okay. I'm used to rejection, and just accept that as a normal possibility in the scheme of things. Embarrassment is an emotion I just don't allow myself. Let other people dislike me; but I'm not going to dislike myself.
I’ve seen a lot about the benefits of unmaking how autistic people should unmask to be their “true selves” etc etc but I’m very blessed that I’m one of the few autistic people to actually have a job (which reflects on society’s views towards autism rather than autism itself) and what’s not talked about is how you have to mask to exist in the world. If I want to get through the day, I have to pave over a lot of what my natural reactions would be to things in order to get money to live. We’ve come a long way in the past 20 or so years when it comes to autism I think but we still live in a Neurotypical world made for Neurotypical people and that’s so hard.
Something I don't see talked about much is the results of suppression of special interests. They are usually seen as a positive thing but a busy life does not always allow you to enjoy your interests. That suppression and lack of routine to enjoy your interests can cause real harm.
I've only had 1 person who made me feel like I belonged and had a place and wasn't a reject, she died. I had plenty of times in my younger years where I would hide in my safe space and cry about being so weird and rejected, I just got used to it eventually and switched off
FUCKING ABSOLUTELY! I don’t mask my autism that much. But I do mask certain traits of my blindness, and I mask my CPTSD. Mainly my emotions, and I expect myself to be happy 24/7. I’ve masked crying for a long time too. Or when I feel the urge to cry, I either bottle it up and don’t deal with it at all because it’s not important, or I go to anger to replace my crying. Now, I’m not wanting pitty. I HATE sympathy. Because I’m not broken! I’m a survivor. Not a victem! I’m just speaking from my own experience. I need to forgive myself, and allow myself to feel my feelings. I just feel like masking my feelings is me proving to the world my worth for one. But for two, that I won’t sit here and play the fucking victem!
I stopped repressing my need to stim, and have been stimming a LOT this last year. I work from home, and am barely around others, but now I find myself stimming in big obvious ways in the middle of the grocery store without noticing I’ve started, around doctors, etc. it’s happening without it being a choice and yeah my mental health has been better in general, but I get a lot of weird looks because people don’t know what to make of me…
My mother told me I can't be autistic because I'm overly empathetic. At 41 I have no desire to be social, it's still freaks me out, for years I used alcohol to help do anything, from phone calls to supermarket runs. Now sober 4years. I can't function socially so I avoid people as much as possible
I think if it were the case that masking was useless, no autistic person would have ever done it in the first place. It *must* have an up side to have been developed as a coping strategy in the first place. So I think you're absolutely right that unmasking has downsides, and ultimately for the benefits of unmasking to really flourish one must be in a context where they can find some kind of acceptance -- even if that's just with a therapist.
I definitely agree about unmasking leading to skill regression. There's a lot of things that I used to get done just fine because I was just generally not happy and plowing through something that made me uncomfortable didn't seem like that much of a stretch. Nowadays I'm more aware what makes me feel bad and it seems impossible to make myself suffer through it.
this is so true, I’ve always been more interested in learning how to mask sustainably so to speak rather than “learning how to unmask” - it could be internalized ableism but I’d like to be able to “gently mask” in a way that isn’t exhausting
I unmasked an aspect of my autism to my then partner, that I just couldn’t deal with going to large unstructured social events. I saw that as being true to my authentic self and being vulnerable. But that was the first crack that eventually led to her breaking up with me. That is the reality for us, if you unmask you are going to lose relationships, friends and employment. On the other hand of course masking is so taxing and I always get to a point where I physically can’t do it anymore.
I wish I could unmask, but they took my soul from me. I'm a little bit less me, every day. My intellect and imagination have been destroyed, like a drop of 30 I.Q. points sort of destroyed. Only if I had gotten some disabilities money, then I had something I could've fallen back on, and afford to be chewed out again and again, it would suck, but it also would mean that I can afford to be myself. So no, autistic people should not unmask, autistic people need to unmask. For me, masking ruined my health and my happiness, it made me deadly ill. As for society, you don't have to accept autistic people, that is asking way to much of you, just accept that we exist and give us f off money so we live our own lives.
Same, I was the outsider among outsiders, infact they just bullied me along with everyone else, their bullying was just "kinder" I guess 🙃. Still, I've not been able to fully unmask anywhere as even neurodivergent spaces can be crewl at times.
I was the same in school, always being on the edges of groups of kids that also didnt fit in, like people that would go to anime club and chill in the library. As much as i liked them, im not sure they ever really classed me as a friend and i never really spoke to them after leaving school. Ive never been that good at masking, theres been times ive been much better at it in certain situations if i have the energy to do it and im with the right people. These days i have no energy to mask, even with those closest to me. I often just dont talk and i try not to feel bad about it but sometimes i wish i could just put on a personality like i used to. Masking takes so much mental energy, and i have no mental energy left.
great video, and Yes, there are some barriers us as disabled people face, and bullying etc because of it, but I agree, it's better to be 'true to oneself' and prove to others you are resilient enough to take it, and importantly survive!; but a point here, sure we take longer, and struggle with things, but Masking isn't our only tool to manage anxiety, and the other symptoms of our condition, Good stimming, having sports or other activities we enjoy doing, these help us calm down, and regenerate what capacity we have, and especially before hard times (creates the 'calm' before the storm), so we know we can survive what's to come. Planning our days, what we do, routines, even the strategies we have to do the daily living tasks 'our way' , is the Greatest and most powerful tools we can have as ASD's this allows us to gain the fullest control of our lives we can, and this is the best way of calming ourselves, and presenting the best 'face' to the normal people we can; one so we can survive, and two, so we can impact people, so change of society can happen in the most productive and positive way for people living with a disability, to set the "legacy" for the future of this space, we become the 'voice' of the people that can't speak, and help them too, so everyone wins, and lives their best lives.
You're so real with expressing the challenges with social interaction; i felt that not fitting in with the people that dont fit it even though I also dont fit in with everyone else *wipes brow* . Both masking and unmasking(after self identifying) are actually often in conflict, sometimes we need to and then can get stuck in a weird in between constantly which is stressful. The process of finding that equilibrium in probably lifelong. I hope the wonderful community you're building here is providing a safe space because you show different sides of you
Well, I think masking is an important tool. But, like you kind of illuded to, you need the right tool for the right job. I use it, always have I guess, for my working life. But, it must be recognized that we need more time to recharge - and that gets in the way of the social life. No energy left for social events when not working.
Oh my goodness, you just described my life. Not fitting in anywhere, wow! Thank you for your perspective on masking. I’m 58 and just 2 years into knowing why my life has looked the way it has. I’m retired now and still learning who I really am. Thanks for sharing
I always wish that I had more perspective on how people view me. I don't know if I am doing a "good" job at blending in. A lot of the time before I knew I was autistic I was one of those people that was thought of as funny. But I think it was a lot of laughing at stuff that I wasn't trying to be funny with. And in a lot of these cases, it was genuine friends and not bullying. It's just that what they thought was charming about me was stuff that I was doing without trying. Which made me feel confused and disconnected. Now that I have started unmasking it feels impossible to gauge anything. It really has just gotten harder socially. Along with the social changes, something I really really didn't anticipate happening when I started unmasking was autistic skill regression in other areas. Like things I was always good at (speaking, writing, reading) becoming wayyy harder. It's so confusing. But I realize i was putting 110 % to do these things everyday and was burning out over and over again. It get the positives of being more connected to my body and avoiding burnout, knowing my limits, etc. but it's so scary to lose skills that you prided yourself in. I first experienced it with speech and not remembering words but it's extended into other language based skills as well. I wish I had known to expect this when I started unmasking. I could say so much on this but we should warn people like you are doing because having a support system through all of this is really important and may not be currently accessible to a lot of people. That can change over time but just more info from the start would be really cool. Thank you for your videos. Hello from another nb autistic person named Dana lol
This has happened to me since unmasking, exactly how you say it. It's weird how I spent so much time and effort creating my social masks, only to completely take them apart and have to start again, as it seems a new person. Before I even got to the point where I was percieved by some as popular! I still don't think i was percieved as 'normal' but I operated on a level I cant even touch now, and I did that out of choice. I guess I had no idea it would obliterate my masks and ability to do them, but at the same time I have lost the want to do any of it. It's not that I wouldn't go out, it's just not worth it, so much is not worth it. I really get not fitting in with the people who don't fit in, I even find some of them are autistic too. I've been trying to figure it out recently, and I've realised that a lot of it is due to my cptsd, my early experiences with other people, the way I was brought up, learning to mask late.. all sorts of things. I saw that the people I felt didn't fit in but found eachother had more secure families, which doesn't mean they didn't have family trauma, but there was a sense if security there that I didn't have. But I think I can build it. Whne I feel that my life is falling apart,I think of my life restructuring instead. Anyway I think you are being very hard on yourself, just try to be more compassionate with yourself, especially right now, you deserve it. I think i know how this feels, I feel lost right now, I feel scared, I simultaneously know more about who I am and less. There is no need to apologise for being too heavy, you are at a heavy time in your life, I know how hard it is when you don't always know what is and isn't appropriate, I had this trouble today, and a lot of days when life is really painful. You don't have to be happy, or on it, or bounce back, you don't have to be any way at all.
I unmasked at my last job and it caused a lot of issues. I felt better but people doubting the fact also hurt me. Now i'm hesitant to do so but, now i isolate most of the time because of the negative feedback. I'm stubborn about it though and fight the urge to mask, but its not necessarily a good thing. Thank you for this!
I get that about masking. For me I sort of stumbled out of masking about 5 years ago due to burnt-out. At the time, I didn't know I was neurodivergent but in retrospect I see that's what happened. But in the last couple of years as I found out I was autistic, and thought I should try to go to social things now as my authentic self... I struggle to mask even a little to get the process going. And I just feel sidelined. After any interaction lately, I feel so let down like the people I met are probably not impressed with me or maybe think I'm rude. I don't know. Also sometimes if an interaction goes well then the next one with that person, I have an off day and I feel like, I cannot keep this up... so I lose an acquaintance. It's a struggle.
My take on masking is that everyone masks. Masking makes the world go round. We are a complicated species and we only manage to get along with a lot of rules and fakery. I don't intend to unmask in public and if the mask is breaking down or I have a meltdown after that's a sign to me that I need to withdraw from the world. But I've never really been a big masker in sociable/private situations so I don't feel like I need to find my "true self".
I empathise entirely am also going through some very similar stuff. Today was particularly challenging and exhausting and actually a bit scary, as I was never ready for any of this bizarre character reset malarky.
I have mixed feelings about unmasking tbh. I've been unmasking recently (due to a mix of anger and burnout), and on the one hand it's been very liberating. I've been happier at being my true, authentic self. However, it's come with a plethora of unintended side effects. I've gone from washing daily to once a week. I'm bad at faking empathy nowadays and it makes it hard to make friends. I haven't been to my volunteer work in a good while now, because I no longer want to be a 'society person and social butterfly'. I also feel very different from people, whether they're NT or ND, since I stopped masking, and it's harder for me to fit in (I used to be a social chameleon). I'm also falling back into my eating disorder because I'm tired of eating to please others. So, unmasking's a double edged sword IMO. It helps...but it hurts as well
Me unmasking is very dependent on others which is sad because I can’t do that. Like I am “high functioning” but I do have high support needs as well if that makes sense.
I found that when I unmasked in public, I am more often a target for general harassment, including sexual harassment, which has made it very frightening for me to do so. Being able to unmask safely is a luxury that not many are afforded, especially when you are part of a marginalized community
When it comes to masking I can only mask to the extent of how much a nt masks. I literally don't know how to pretend to be another person. Not sure how other autistics pull that off. But I've never been an actor person. I've considered my myself to be a mid masking.
Short answer absolutely do not mask ever!! My unmasking was profound I mean it was extremely intense it took 7 days for my thoughts and brain to rewire. I slept 2 to 4 hours a day so it wasn't a manic episode and fast forward and autism/adhd and was also blessed with being an empath very interesting combination for sure. I am very autistic forward so I stim a lot, all the time with vocal stims too. I had several months of a repetitive tic that has subsided as I have been stimming pretty naturally. My kids and grandkids are on the spectrum and I kind of wondered where it came from🤔🤔 SURPRISE!!🥳🤣 My situation is very unique because I feel the thought to speech comes from a different place in my head than where my adhd voice comes from. Yes I feel it, it is kind of strange but fascinating. The reason it's bad to mask is because it damages our mental health in other ways. My anxiety/panic disorder and depression are gone. My heart palpitations are not so noticeable or frequent. Our bodies will compensate through negative emotional release to regulate our central nervous system. I share my story every person in my life knows. I stim at work and shopping because that's who I am and what I need and quite frankly I can't just mask. If I really know myself, that allows me to accept myself so I can just be myself. Thanks for the insight and great conversation!👻🤪🌶🤘😎♾️
You had it once, so you might get it back. There may be a part of you that's done the cost/benefit analysis and decided it's not worth it. Unmasking seems to have some similarities with coming out of the closet. A burden is lifted, but the possible consequences could be bad.
5:40 is finding it easier to talk to people outside your own age bracket a common autistic trait? Is it because the patterns expected in those kinds of situations are more rigidly laid out and hence easier to follow than with people your own age?
Actually also I did want to say that some people will never fit into a group and that's okay! Society tells you you need to fit into a group to be happy, but I know for me even when I think I'm fitting in I still feel uneasy, maybe a group is not for me. There are groups I've been in, and they've been nice and different, but this doesn't make them the right fit for me. Sometimes if I'm honest with myself I don't always really like the people I'm around, and only like one or 2 people, I'll feel guilty for not feeling super warm towards them because they're nice and because they don't fit in either. I genuinely feel I was meant to not be attached to a group, I don't mean I was meant to be lonely, but instead meant to have friends scattered around instead of just one place. The thing about groups I think makes me uneasy in them is that they are their own little ecosystems with subrules and dynamics that I have to learn and don't understand. Some groups have ways of operating I just don't agree with. Sometimes i find I over estimate how close people are in a group, and I have realised groups can't always give me what I want. I'm sorry I've written a lot, I just relate a lot to your struggles and hope that anything I say can help.
I love how you wrote this out, this is exactly what my social life is like, I have a lot of '1 on 1' friends, some separate groups I reside in at times because I like particular people in those groups but I'm rarely if ever fully comfortable in a group setting. But I love my time with my scattered friends, I'm very social actually but just not consistently or long term in groups.
The autistic experience of never fitting in anywhere; sometimes not even with other autistic people. Sigh...
I feel that. I live with 6 other autistic people, and I still don't feel like I fit in, whether I unmask around them or not. It's tough.
Even if I did actually fit in...I feel like I would still be super anxious and perceive that I don't fit in. Is that just me?
@@Lady_Tism Then you wouldn't be fitting in. Fitting in means being comfortable, not just accepted into a group.
nah,is it just me who feels comfortable with talking to 40 year old women than the regular early 20s year old? I had friend I went to uni with who I got a long and I think also has undiagnosed autism but she started being nasty to me because “I say the wrong thing” which pisses me off so much because other day in my class, people in my CHILDCARE class were loudly OPENLY talking about their sex lives and getting with loads of men and THAT WASNT A PROBLEM? but when I accidentally say something wrong, which isn’t offensive, people take offence and im a problem?
SORRY FOR THE RANT 😭 I needed this video from the other day.
If you unmask, you will feel more genuine. It doesn't mean that you will feel better. Because unmasking will come with a lot of negatives. You'll end up pretty lonely, but at least you will feel like you aren't living a fake life. I have been unmasked for 7 years now. Think of it this way. If you mask, you will have "friends". They won't really be your friends because the person that they are "friends" with, isn't the real you. So, you can have fake friends and pretend to be someone else, or be the real you. Your choice!
Wow, Dana, you really hit the nail on the head with how people sometimes tolerate us with that ‘not too annoyed but still kind of impatient’ look. The way you described it was spot on! I’ve felt that so many times but never could put it into words as perfectly as you just did. Your perspective on masking really got me thinking too-I’ve always felt this tension between coping strategies and the idea of masking, and it’s like, yeah, I get why we talk about masking, but at the same time, sometimes it feels like I’m just figuring out how to cope, you know?
I love how you’re sharing your story. You’re brave for putting yourself out there and I really appreciate the light you’re bringing to the community. You’ve got such a way with words-it makes me feel more connected and understood. Thank you for helping us reflect on these things. Keep sharing, your journey is so powerful! ✨
Yup. I'm not necessarily autistic (i.e. I suspect so, but not confirmed as online tests are not a diagnosis), but either way, as someone who's in the larger ND umbrella (e.g. I had "special" ed in my early schooling) getting those kind of looks certainly describes my experience.
It has felt like most people, even many (but not all) within my own family, are often just barely/politely tolerating my existence both as a kid, and as an adult. As a result, as I've gotten older I tend to prefer solitude, and be more self-reliant when possible.
I'm someone who gave up on masking really early--about 10th grade. I just tried to develop real social skills--which meant being fairly authentic and having a lot of people think I was weird or unpleasant. But at least whatever social skills I was developing, I was still really there. it was me. And this meant that eventually there weren't all that many situations that I couldn't handle--mainly just situations with too much noise and confusion. Just yesterday, I was WAY too forthcoming to a new customer, and his wife definitely thought I was weird and maybe even crazy. I could see that. And I thought "I wish I had toned that down about three steps." But I'll do good work, and they'll be okay with it, and I'll get paid. I've never scripted at all. I just wing it, and I really only have the one personality. i don't have a repertoire. When I interviewed for graduate school, I got in a big fight with the head of the department over an author I really liked. I got in anyway, but it wasn't as if I thought for one minute beforehand how I should present myself. I hoped I would be liked and respected, but I didn't change who I was, and it turned out okay. I'm used to rejection, and just accept that as a normal possibility in the scheme of things. Embarrassment is an emotion I just don't allow myself. Let other people dislike me; but I'm not going to dislike myself.
🥲💜 say that shit
I’ve seen a lot about the benefits of unmaking how autistic people should unmask to be their “true selves” etc etc but I’m very blessed that I’m one of the few autistic people to actually have a job (which reflects on society’s views towards autism rather than autism itself) and what’s not talked about is how you have to mask to exist in the world. If I want to get through the day, I have to pave over a lot of what my natural reactions would be to things in order to get money to live. We’ve come a long way in the past 20 or so years when it comes to autism I think but we still live in a Neurotypical world made for Neurotypical people and that’s so hard.
Something I don't see talked about much is the results of suppression of special interests. They are usually seen as a positive thing but a busy life does not always allow you to enjoy your interests. That suppression and lack of routine to enjoy your interests can cause real harm.
I've only had 1 person who made me feel like I belonged and had a place and wasn't a reject, she died. I had plenty of times in my younger years where I would hide in my safe space and cry about being so weird and rejected, I just got used to it eventually and switched off
FUCKING ABSOLUTELY! I don’t mask my autism that much. But I do mask certain traits of my blindness, and I mask my CPTSD. Mainly my emotions, and I expect myself to be happy 24/7. I’ve masked crying for a long time too. Or when I feel the urge to cry, I either bottle it up and don’t deal with it at all because it’s not important, or I go to anger to replace my crying. Now, I’m not wanting pitty. I HATE sympathy. Because I’m not broken! I’m a survivor. Not a victem! I’m just speaking from my own experience. I need to forgive myself, and allow myself to feel my feelings. I just feel like masking my feelings is me proving to the world my worth for one. But for two, that I won’t sit here and play the fucking victem!
I stopped repressing my need to stim, and have been stimming a LOT this last year. I work from home, and am barely around others, but now I find myself stimming in big obvious ways in the middle of the grocery store without noticing I’ve started, around doctors, etc. it’s happening without it being a choice and yeah my mental health has been better in general, but I get a lot of weird looks because people don’t know what to make of me…
My mother told me I can't be autistic because I'm overly empathetic. At 41 I have no desire to be social, it's still freaks me out, for years I used alcohol to help do anything, from phone calls to supermarket runs. Now sober 4years. I can't function socially so I avoid people as much as possible
I think if it were the case that masking was useless, no autistic person would have ever done it in the first place. It *must* have an up side to have been developed as a coping strategy in the first place. So I think you're absolutely right that unmasking has downsides, and ultimately for the benefits of unmasking to really flourish one must be in a context where they can find some kind of acceptance -- even if that's just with a therapist.
I definitely agree about unmasking leading to skill regression. There's a lot of things that I used to get done just fine because I was just generally not happy and plowing through something that made me uncomfortable didn't seem like that much of a stretch. Nowadays I'm more aware what makes me feel bad and it seems impossible to make myself suffer through it.
this is so true, I’ve always been more interested in learning how to mask sustainably so to speak rather than “learning how to unmask” - it could be internalized ableism but I’d like to be able to “gently mask” in a way that isn’t exhausting
I unmasked an aspect of my autism to my then partner, that I just couldn’t deal with going to large unstructured social events. I saw that as being true to my authentic self and being vulnerable. But that was the first crack that eventually led to her breaking up with me. That is the reality for us, if you unmask you are going to lose relationships, friends and employment. On the other hand of course masking is so taxing and I always get to a point where I physically can’t do it anymore.
I wish I could unmask, but they took my soul from me. I'm a little bit less me, every day. My intellect and imagination have been destroyed, like a drop of 30 I.Q. points sort of destroyed. Only if I had gotten some disabilities money, then I had something I could've fallen back on, and afford to be chewed out again and again, it would suck, but it also would mean that I can afford to be myself. So no, autistic people should not unmask, autistic people need to unmask. For me, masking ruined my health and my happiness, it made me deadly ill. As for society, you don't have to accept autistic people, that is asking way to much of you, just accept that we exist and give us f off money so we live our own lives.
U good bro?
@@Cyber_Monk1 maybe
What a good name for it. F off money.🤸🏿♀️
Same, I was the outsider among outsiders, infact they just bullied me along with everyone else, their bullying was just "kinder" I guess 🙃. Still, I've not been able to fully unmask anywhere as even neurodivergent spaces can be crewl at times.
I was the same in school, always being on the edges of groups of kids that also didnt fit in, like people that would go to anime club and chill in the library. As much as i liked them, im not sure they ever really classed me as a friend and i never really spoke to them after leaving school. Ive never been that good at masking, theres been times ive been much better at it in certain situations if i have the energy to do it and im with the right people. These days i have no energy to mask, even with those closest to me. I often just dont talk and i try not to feel bad about it but sometimes i wish i could just put on a personality like i used to. Masking takes so much mental energy, and i have no mental energy left.
great video, and Yes, there are some barriers us as disabled people face, and bullying etc because of it, but I agree, it's better to be 'true to oneself' and prove to others you are resilient enough to take it, and importantly survive!; but a point here, sure we take longer, and struggle with things, but Masking isn't our only tool to manage anxiety, and the other symptoms of our condition, Good stimming, having sports or other activities we enjoy doing, these help us calm down, and regenerate what capacity we have, and especially before hard times (creates the 'calm' before the storm), so we know we can survive what's to come. Planning our days, what we do, routines, even the strategies we have to do the daily living tasks 'our way' , is the Greatest and most powerful tools we can have as ASD's this allows us to gain the fullest control of our lives we can, and this is the best way of calming ourselves, and presenting the best 'face' to the normal people we can; one so we can survive, and two, so we can impact people, so change of society can happen in the most productive and positive way for people living with a disability, to set the "legacy" for the future of this space, we become the 'voice' of the people that can't speak, and help them too, so everyone wins, and lives their best lives.
Whether you mask or unmask it all sucks either way.
You're so real with expressing the challenges with social interaction; i felt that not fitting in with the people that dont fit it even though I also dont fit in with everyone else *wipes brow* . Both masking and unmasking(after self identifying) are actually often in conflict, sometimes we need to and then can get stuck in a weird in between constantly which is stressful. The process of finding that equilibrium in probably lifelong. I hope the wonderful community you're building here is providing a safe space because you show different sides of you
Well, I think masking is an important tool. But, like you kind of illuded to, you need the right tool for the right job. I use it, always have I guess, for my working life. But, it must be recognized that we need more time to recharge - and that gets in the way of the social life. No energy left for social events when not working.
Oh my goodness, you just described my life. Not fitting in anywhere, wow! Thank you for your perspective on masking. I’m 58 and just 2 years into knowing why my life has looked the way it has. I’m retired now and still learning who I really am.
Thanks for sharing
I always wish that I had more perspective on how people view me. I don't know if I am doing a "good" job at blending in. A lot of the time before I knew I was autistic I was one of those people that was thought of as funny. But I think it was a lot of laughing at stuff that I wasn't trying to be funny with. And in a lot of these cases, it was genuine friends and not bullying. It's just that what they thought was charming about me was stuff that I was doing without trying. Which made me feel confused and disconnected. Now that I have started unmasking it feels impossible to gauge anything. It really has just gotten harder socially.
Along with the social changes, something I really really didn't anticipate happening when I started unmasking was autistic skill regression in other areas. Like things I was always good at (speaking, writing, reading) becoming wayyy harder. It's so confusing. But I realize i was putting 110 % to do these things everyday and was burning out over and over again. It get the positives of being more connected to my body and avoiding burnout, knowing my limits, etc. but it's so scary to lose skills that you prided yourself in. I first experienced it with speech and not remembering words but it's extended into other language based skills as well. I wish I had known to expect this when I started unmasking.
I could say so much on this but we should warn people like you are doing because having a support system through all of this is really important and may not be currently accessible to a lot of people. That can change over time but just more info from the start would be really cool.
Thank you for your videos. Hello from another nb autistic person named Dana lol
Yes because its to stressful and causes nervous breakdown and you wont get sny help at al if your un-diagnosed
This has happened to me since unmasking, exactly how you say it. It's weird how I spent so much time and effort creating my social masks, only to completely take them apart and have to start again, as it seems a new person. Before I even got to the point where I was percieved by some as popular! I still don't think i was percieved as 'normal' but I operated on a level I cant even touch now, and I did that out of choice. I guess I had no idea it would obliterate my masks and ability to do them, but at the same time I have lost the want to do any of it. It's not that I wouldn't go out, it's just not worth it, so much is not worth it.
I really get not fitting in with the people who don't fit in, I even find some of them are autistic too. I've been trying to figure it out recently, and I've realised that a lot of it is due to my cptsd, my early experiences with other people, the way I was brought up, learning to mask late.. all sorts of things. I saw that the people I felt didn't fit in but found eachother had more secure families, which doesn't mean they didn't have family trauma, but there was a sense if security there that I didn't have. But I think I can build it. Whne I feel that my life is falling apart,I think of my life restructuring instead.
Anyway I think you are being very hard on yourself, just try to be more compassionate with yourself, especially right now, you deserve it. I think i know how this feels, I feel lost right now, I feel scared, I simultaneously know more about who I am and less. There is no need to apologise for being too heavy, you are at a heavy time in your life, I know how hard it is when you don't always know what is and isn't appropriate, I had this trouble today, and a lot of days when life is really painful. You don't have to be happy, or on it, or bounce back, you don't have to be any way at all.
i was about to comment something thoughtful and then my eye caught the little jodie in the corner! Great Doctor :D
I unmasked at my last job and it caused a lot of issues. I felt better but people doubting the fact also hurt me. Now i'm hesitant to do so but, now i isolate most of the time because of the negative feedback. I'm stubborn about it though and fight the urge to mask, but its not necessarily a good thing. Thank you for this!
Words for the algorithm 👍🏾
I also have thoughts about unmasking, but not enough brain space to organize them well 😅
Love your vids ❤
I get that about masking. For me I sort of stumbled out of masking about 5 years ago due to burnt-out. At the time, I didn't know I was neurodivergent but in retrospect I see that's what happened. But in the last couple of years as I found out I was autistic, and thought I should try to go to social things now as my authentic self... I struggle to mask even a little to get the process going.
And I just feel sidelined. After any interaction lately, I feel so let down like the people I met are probably not impressed with me or maybe think I'm rude. I don't know.
Also sometimes if an interaction goes well then the next one with that person, I have an off day and I feel like, I cannot keep this up... so I lose an acquaintance. It's a struggle.
Exactly this! I’m so sorry you’re having the same experience, but it’s such a relief to not be the only one that deals with it
My take on masking is that everyone masks. Masking makes the world go round. We are a complicated species and we only manage to get along with a lot of rules and fakery. I don't intend to unmask in public and if the mask is breaking down or I have a meltdown after that's a sign to me that I need to withdraw from the world. But I've never really been a big masker in sociable/private situations so I don't feel like I need to find my "true self".
I empathise entirely am also going through some very similar stuff.
Today was particularly challenging and exhausting and actually a bit scary, as I was never ready for any of this bizarre character reset malarky.
I have mixed feelings about unmasking tbh. I've been unmasking recently (due to a mix of anger and burnout), and on the one hand it's been very liberating. I've been happier at being my true, authentic self.
However, it's come with a plethora of unintended side effects. I've gone from washing daily to once a week. I'm bad at faking empathy nowadays and it makes it hard to make friends. I haven't been to my volunteer work in a good while now, because I no longer want to be a 'society person and social butterfly'. I also feel very different from people, whether they're NT or ND, since I stopped masking, and it's harder for me to fit in (I used to be a social chameleon). I'm also falling back into my eating disorder because I'm tired of eating to please others.
So, unmasking's a double edged sword IMO. It helps...but it hurts as well
This is so freakin relatable. 😮💨
as a 27-year-old with a lot of similar social struggles who literally booked her autism assessment yesterday, i really appreciate this video!
Me unmasking is very dependent on others which is sad because I can’t do that. Like I am “high functioning” but I do have high support needs as well if that makes sense.
I found that when I unmasked in public, I am more often a target for general harassment, including sexual harassment, which has made it very frightening for me to do so. Being able to unmask safely is a luxury that not many are afforded, especially when you are part of a marginalized community
When it comes to masking I can only mask to the extent of how much a nt masks. I literally don't know how to pretend to be another person. Not sure how other autistics pull that off. But I've never been an actor person. I've considered my myself to be a mid masking.
Mask ON to get along.☹️
Short answer absolutely do not mask ever!! My unmasking was profound I mean it was extremely intense it took 7 days for my thoughts and brain to rewire. I slept 2 to 4 hours a day so it wasn't a manic episode and fast forward and autism/adhd and was also blessed with being an empath very interesting combination for sure. I am very autistic forward so I stim a lot, all the time with vocal stims too. I had several months of a repetitive tic that has subsided as I have been stimming pretty naturally. My kids and grandkids are on the spectrum and I kind of wondered where it came from🤔🤔 SURPRISE!!🥳🤣 My situation is very unique because I feel the thought to speech comes from a different place in my head than where my adhd voice comes from. Yes I feel it, it is kind of strange but fascinating. The reason it's bad to mask is because it damages our mental health in other ways. My anxiety/panic disorder and depression are gone. My heart palpitations are not so noticeable or frequent. Our bodies will compensate through negative emotional release to regulate our central nervous system. I share my story every person in my life knows. I stim at work and shopping because that's who I am and what I need and quite frankly I can't just mask. If I really know myself, that allows me to accept myself so I can just be myself. Thanks for the insight and great conversation!👻🤪🌶🤘😎♾️
You had it once, so you might get it back. There may be a part of you that's done the cost/benefit analysis and decided it's not worth it.
Unmasking seems to have some similarities with coming out of the closet. A burden is lifted, but the possible consequences could be bad.
5:40 is finding it easier to talk to people outside your own age bracket a common autistic trait? Is it because the patterns expected in those kinds of situations are more rigidly laid out and hence easier to follow than with people your own age?
Actually also I did want to say that some people will never fit into a group and that's okay! Society tells you you need to fit into a group to be happy, but I know for me even when I think I'm fitting in I still feel uneasy, maybe a group is not for me. There are groups I've been in, and they've been nice and different, but this doesn't make them the right fit for me. Sometimes if I'm honest with myself I don't always really like the people I'm around, and only like one or 2 people, I'll feel guilty for not feeling super warm towards them because they're nice and because they don't fit in either. I genuinely feel I was meant to not be attached to a group, I don't mean I was meant to be lonely, but instead meant to have friends scattered around instead of just one place.
The thing about groups I think makes me uneasy in them is that they are their own little ecosystems with subrules and dynamics that I have to learn and don't understand. Some groups have ways of operating I just don't agree with. Sometimes i find I over estimate how close people are in a group, and I have realised groups can't always give me what I want.
I'm sorry I've written a lot, I just relate a lot to your struggles and hope that anything I say can help.
I love how you wrote this out, this is exactly what my social life is like, I have a lot of '1 on 1' friends, some separate groups I reside in at times because I like particular people in those groups but I'm rarely if ever fully comfortable in a group setting. But I love my time with my scattered friends, I'm very social actually but just not consistently or long term in groups.
I wonder how many lentils I've ever eaten in my entire life?
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Hope you guys all find peace and love in life, best wishes my autistic mattes.