Always hated when people have told me "it gets better" because its been so long now and it never does, infact life taunts me and makes me think its getting better only to pull the rug from under me at the last minute. I hope you can work through all this thought and get through to the other side :
I hope we ALL manage to work through our stuff and come out the other side, big time feels like we’re all feeling pretty much the same way a lot of the time 💕💕💕
Big relate. I'm in my mid-40s and it's still just getting through one thing till there's something else to get through. I'm beginning to think this is all there is for me in life, and it's fucking depressing. I recently watched a video that gave the advice of deciding to live for no reason if you can't find a reason. That's really been helping me lately.
I’m 64 and had a similar childhood and I’ve spent my whole life saying “if I can just get through this problem, maybe it will get easier”. It never has. That isn’t to say there haven’t been good times, there have, but it has still been a struggle, every day.
That's awful not having someone to teach you how to get through life. My parents taught me almost nothing and it wasn't until my brother came back into my life that he taught me how to do many basic practical things that are required to live like managing money, finding a place to live and, well, leaving the house and experiencing things. Afterwards I used the internet to teach myself emotional skills and finally after more than a decade of adulthood do I feel like I'm able to just be an actual person.
Emotional unavailability can impact on someone's development. It can be an adjustment to realise you don't share your parent's views. Grief can be complicated too when these factors are present.
6:30 Same here, they left it all on my own. Like i wish i had a little more support or guidance on figuring out adult life. Such as taxes, rent,moving out, buying cars or property, credit, etc all i had to learn by myself. And although I am still learning, i do get worried about not knowing the things i should know by now. I feel i can be taken sdvantage of.
My parents were smart enough to realize that when a 5 year old, who had never been around other children, lay down in the middle of the street, sobbing in terror, perhaps that wasn’t a typical first day of school. But I was made to go. Every time I had difficulty with other people, I was made to go. If they didn’t see me suffering, they weren’t trying. If they did, they were monsters. And by the time I turned 18, I was told to leave. I haven’t spoken to my step-dad in 25 years. I was diagnosed last year. All I can do is keep looking backwards, shocked that nobody noticed, wondering if anyone had, what would my life have been like.
That line. 'If they weren't suffering they weren't trying'. I've felt like my family are in a struggle Olympics. Ideas like you have to be suffering greatly and on the brink of death to do anything or get anywhere in life.
Dana, your video touched me on such a deep level, it’s hard to put into words. The way you express yourself, with so much raw emotion and authenticity, speaks directly to my heart. Watching you reflect on your journey from childhood, and everything you’ve had to learn and unlearn, feels like witnessing something incredibly sacred. Your courage to show the vulnerability of that journey is truly awe-inspiring. I can see how much you’ve grown, and yet you still remain open to learning, which is a beautiful thing in itself. You’re creating a sense of connection and community where, for many of us, there was none before. We’ve all been new to this, navigating our identities as autistic or ADHD, and you’ve become a beacon in that process. What strikes me most is how your reflections help mine percolate. I’ve found that, in my own day-to-day life, I’m starting to have more insights about my identity-ones that feel like they’ve been waiting to bloom-and you are a huge part of that. Watching you speak and share your experiences has made these insights come alive in a way I didn’t expect, helping me better understand who I am. Thank you, Dana, for putting yourself out there, for being vulnerable, and for creating this space where we can all grow. Your path is incredible, and it’s such a privilege to witness it unfold.
Thank you so much for such an incredibly kind and thoughtful comment! Especially the part about how my reflections help yours percolate, there’s so many small things I’ve heard that have kickstarted major realisations for me, and then I end up thinking ‘damn, that would have been so much easier/faster if someone had just told me X’, so the whole point of me doing this is really very much so that you have this type of experience and i really can’t describe how it feels to know I’m actually getting to the people I can have this type of connection with!
I'm 60 years old and self-diagnosed autistic, though I am having my assessment this coming Monday - 5 days from now. I am fortunate enough to be able to self-fund an autism assessment and I chose a psychologist who is autistic herself. I was crying a lot last night watching this video, my heart hurt for you - and for me as a child. Some parts of your story were similar, some very, very different, but like you I raised myself. Both of my parents had mental health issues and I suspect my mother was autistic too. From my earliest memories I knew my parents were broken and so never really blamed them for the way they were, I especially knew my mother was only treading water keeping herself together and had nothing left for us kids except to look after us physically. My predominate emotion in childhood was fear and I was in fight-or-flight mode 24/7 for all of my childhood and most of my teens. (Paying for that now with 2 auto-immune conditions. Unfortunately that's another thing that is common with autistics and/or those who experience childhood trauma. And childhood emotional neglect is trauma). My family came to Australia from South America when I was 1 year old and I grew up in very small town in the Australian bush. I didn't have the option of watching lots of television or movies as a child and all I did was read books. I started reading before started school at 4 years old and I don't know how I learned to read. I read a book (an entire book) most days during all my childhood, teenage years and in my twenties. I didn't have toys and I didn't have any other interests up to 12 years old (when I joined the school band and choir and started acting in plays). All I did was read. I got my sense of morality from the books I read and (this is probably referring to another of your videos) my 'imaginary play' was inserting myself into those books. For example, with Little Women, I was a rich benefactor who came and gave them lots of presents. (I really liked to play the part of someone who had power/money and was able to help others, I think it was to counteract my powerlessness at the time). Everyone's story is different and my heart really hurts when I read comments from other autistics whose lives didn't end up OK in the end. I'm lucky and I'm very, very grateful that things did end up well for me, but things didn't start to change until I was 29 - so 2 years older than you are now. I don't want to say this as a platitude because I know everything does not work out well for everyone, but there is a very good chance that things will work out for you. I can't really say why I was lucky other than I met the right people at the right time and somehow made the right choices at key times in my life. I also have received a LOT OF COUNSELLING (mainly for childhood trauma, and the childhood trauma really clouded the autism issue). Though I do think that my love of reading and love of animals were the 2 things that mostly kept me sane. I still struggle with making friends and I a lot of people think I'm a little weird, but I have a good husband, 2 dogs, we own a house and I don't have to worry (too much) about money and paying the bills. Although I don't have many close friends, I have enough of 'a community' that it's OK; I have purpose and meaning in my life. Although I don't make friends easily, I don't seem to need friends much (until I do!). Most especially, I have my special interests, the main one which earns me a little money and hopefully going forward will earn me some more. My husband, dogs, my community and my special interests are enough for me 99% of the time. Regarding childhood neglect, your parents not providing you with comfort and care - I found articles by Pete Walker (MA, MFT - licensed psychotherapist) helpful regarding this - just the acknowledgement of how damaging it was. (i.e. Some people seem to think that if you didn't experience physical abuse and your physical needs were met, the trauma 'isn't that bad'.) Deciding on whether to post this comment was a big struggle because on one hand I don't want to make those who didn't end up OK feel bad about themselves (or worse about themselves), but I do want to point out that although you may feel a bit hopeless at 27, it is possible for things to improve. Given your self-awareness and your desire to figure things out, you will probably be OK. I really appreciate your content and really hope that things work out really well for you.
Best of luck on Monday. Must've been very isolated in the 70s and 80s in the middle of nothing, I can't even imagine. At least there's internet now, why we're both here I suppose.
@@RedSntDK Thank you. Assessment over; I did the questionnaires a couple of weeks ago, today was a three hour (zoom) meeting. I was told at the end that I am autistic though it will take 6-8 weeks to get the formal assessmemt/paperwork. I feel relieved and exhausted.
I definitely agree that it sucks that it is looked down upon to talk about people who are dead in any negative or critical way. I can be sad about and grieve the loss of the person while also understanding that they hurt me, and that I wish things were different, and I can talk about both of those things. But for some reason that second part is usually seen as disrespect towards the dead, when in reality it is simply not ignoring the negativity of a relationship when that person is gone. Those are my random thoughts on the subject, and I hope they make sense. Also talking off and on topic at a camera definitely helps me process stuff sometimes, so I hope it does for you to.
I'm 35 and I feel like I only learned like in the past couple years how to parent myself with kindness. Definitely felt like I raised myself growing up, too. I have a 12 year old son, and I put my whole heart and every drop of the limited energy I have into parenting him with kindness and acceptance and understanding. I intend to live a long life to be there for him (he's also autistic), but if I were to die today, I would have no doubts in my mind whatsoever that he feels how much I love him. My parents' neglect and abuse (Dad, just neglect, Mom, neglect and quite bad psychological abuse) really drove me to want to have a child and prove that I knew how to do things "the right way." Now of course, I do realize that some of my ideas of right and wrong may have been quite rigid because of my autism, but that just means that I go out of my way now to be more openminded and give others more grace. Just like you said, I know I can forgive my parents and understand why they behaved the way they did, but it doesn't mean I need to delude myself or deny that the bad things happened. If I had known I was autistic, I don't know that I would have felt up for all the things I have to do though to be able to raise my son and provide for him as well as I manage to right now. Like in the U.S., once you're married, going on disability is a big choice because you can't qualify for most benefits if your spouse's income is above a certain poverty line-level threshold. So we'd be stuck as working poor forever if only my husband worked AND I still wouldn't be eligible for most benefits. So the choices I would have made might have ended up being different. Now, I feel like I'm stuck in the grind forever and like I have little choice in the matter because I want to provide my son with more options than I had. Right now, he says he doesn't want to go to college after high school, and he might not want to work at all. He also says he wants to stay living with me forever. That could change in the future, but I'm going to make sure that I have the means to provide for him for his whole life if I can. I want to give him the security that I always wanted for myself. I can say, when I was 27, I was doing therapy like once a month. Now, I attend 2-4 sessions per week. It's a LOT, it's tiring, but I have to do this right now to keep myself going with work and the self-care, even just getting meals into my body. I have 1 individual therapist that I see biweekly. I have a Philly Center for Autism therapist who I see for individual every week (this one is very impactful for me). My son has a family therapy session biweekly that I attend with him most times, just for him to be used to the format of therapy and comfortable in the setting. My husband and I do couples therapy once per week so we can improve our communication and to help us cope as I've been de-masking and he's been struggling with overwhelm at times too. Husband and son also each do individual. It's a lot of appointments but I genuinely do feel better. Also, for many years, I said fuck it to getting my sleep sorted, and this year I hit a breaking point and just had to start dealing with it. Sleep hypnosis recordings work really well for me, even though there was a grieving process in giving up my late night time for gaming, reading, and watching shows. Sorry for writing a whole book in your comments. You're amazing, Dana. You've already done so much in your life and I bet you're going to do a lot more. The personal growth never stops. I went from being someone who always wanted to end it to being someone who feels like there isn't enough time in one life to do everything they want to do. That alone makes me grateful that I stuck around.
I remember something my mother said to me ages ago and it never clicked until childhood but, like you, I was fed and clothes and housed, but, she only did this to save her own skin from going to jail for neglect as she so called it, I did however get beaten and abused physically, mentally and emotionally. I had Childhood military torture abuse. My mothers father was in the military and specialized in interrogation torture techniques and basically thats what she grew up with and so she did it to me. She now denys ever having abused us because she cannot mentally handle the responsibilities of that... Thank you for your videos you make me feel less alone im 28 and still suffering from flash backs and crippling depression and CPTSD.
God I am in such a similar position to you, and came from a neglectful and abusive family, my dad dead and no contact with my mum. I absolutely feel you on all of this, you are not alone. And you are allowed to feel what you feel towards your parents, it is not bad to feel angry towards them, a lot of people think forgiveness is about not feeling anger towards them and feeling peace. That is not how things work, acceptance is better, accept how you feel, how things were, the things you wished. Acceptance isn't always peaceful, and that's okay. I just want to say though that maybe TH-cam is not the place to be processing your emotions look this, it can be dangerous to your mental health, I know this as someone who used to talk in depth about my traumas and past on the internet. It took a lot to stop. This is not me saying not to express, but to protect yourself from the harmful words of others that can stick a hell of a lot longer than it takes for people to type and forget. Please protect yourself, I think its amazing youshare your experiences and I resonate a lot with them, but it should not come at the cost of your mental safety. There are ways to share and to educate and vlog, without exposing the vulnerable parts of yourself. Sure vulnerability is a good thing, but there are different kinds, and vulnerability like everything must be done in moderation. I don't know you but I empathise a lot with you, I relate a lot to you, and I care about your wellbeing as I'm sure many other people do. Just put your safety and protection first, the words people say can have lasting affects to your mental health, and it isn't weakness or cowardice to be hurt by them and retreat.
DIfficult parental dynamics is such a complex thing to navigate; you're doing really well, better than it may feel. You're building a supportive community. I totally get deriving principles from tv because Humans put the best of themselves into creativity so there's nothing wrong with that.
I see so many similarities in our upbringings and it brings me alot of comfort to hear you speak about this. I essentially raised myself and my younger sister. I also hate that every conversation relates to racism in some way, or ablism or conspiracy theories. I was raised to believe that black people literally had less braincells than us, it was wild. Bothy parents are still alive, but i dont see my dad much at all now because hes a bigoted dick. My mama though is working through her late autism awareness and its helping alot but i still struggle. Its hard af raising yourself and you should be so proud of yourself for getting yourself to this point. You have put in so much work and it shows. Im so proud of you ❤
Hi Dana. Hope you are well. Just discovered Good Omens with Martin Sheen and David Tennant. It is very good. It's funny. I wish I could say it gets better with time but I would be lying. Both my parents are now dead, my mum died 13 years ago, my dad nearly a year ago(it has taken me almost that time to finish sorting out his estate, not that there was much, just refunds from various places). I have kind of given up hoping my life will suddenly turn around and get better. I got nothing to show for my 50 years either. No prospects of a job, I don't own my home and probably never will(unless I win a lot of money or a rich relative I have no idea exists leaves a lot of money to me in their will), got no one to share my life with and probably never will(am going to die alone, resigned to that now), I know nobody out there wants me. I was hoping there would be at least somebody I could be with to grow old together and enjoy the next 20 to 30 years of life. Life sucks.
What I always say to myself is "other things will come by, and some of those things MIGHT be better" heavy emphasis on the MIGHT - it won't necessarily be something great, or even good, but at the very least it's something to do other than staring at the walls. Pardon if my saying is too vague. I'm saying it on the context of counting on luck to throw something your way; it can be a local event that catches your interest, striking up a banal but pleasent chat with a stranger, finding a good book in a second hand shop.
I really appreciate the sentiment of this comment, and when I’m thinking about it I am ofc v proud of what I’ve achieved here and how many people feel I’m helping them in someway, and it is absolutely important and special to me, but it doesn’t really have any effect or consequence to my day to day life.
Dana! please never be hard on yourself for not "having it all together". You survived a really difficult home situation and got out! In my eyes, that makes you a huge success. This video was such a comfort to me, I also had to parent myself and raise myself. I'm still trying to get to the part where I'm brave enough to move out, so to me you are an inspiration and my comfort TH-camr :")
I dont knownif it gets better, but you get used to certain types of and amounts if crap that comes your way, it does keep coming. Do your best to focus on the good stuff, like friends, a little light can be amazing
“It gets better” is BS because they don't know. That said, my life has been getting better from decade to decade to the point where I'm ridiculously happy today. So it can work out. Also there's the effect called regression to the mean, e.g., if your current flat is sufficiently unusually shit, the next one is more likely to be better than worse because there are more flats that are better than there are flats that are worse. (That's of course unhelpful if the mean itself is really shit.)
the autistic sense of justice goes hard. Very hard. too hard in many cases. learned a good few times online to keep my distance and mouth closed about various things i consider Big problems in my slice of the internet.
I was the one my mother trained to me house btch too. Left home at 17, just found out recently that she was making me pay more than double the amount of board me two older siblings were paying, and i was doing laundry and cooking because theywere exempt for some reason
I really appreciate you putting it all out there. It's easy to watch hopeful videos and convince myself that's it's going to get better etc. Similar to you I have this sense that "it has to get better at some point, I just have to hold on and keep going", even though there has been no sign of that so far during my life. Like seriously, shit was bad from the very beginning. I think it's useful to admit that we don't really know if it's getting better or not. Not in order to wallow in misery and hopelessness... But at least to not feel so alone.
Thank you for sharing this. What you shared in this is very meaningful to me. I can hear your frustration and discomfort. You've clearly articulated things I've been through and struggled to acknowledged, because those with adequate parents don't understand.
In terms of the "autistic sense of justice," I certainly knew that my parents were not acting like "good parents"--that they shouldn't be threatening me, hitting me, yelling at me, ignoring my mental health issues. For me, going off to college really did make things a lot better, and I was able to start repairing my relationship with my parents. I asked my mother why she had ignored my obvious mental issues, and she said that yes, my shutdowns were disturbing, and also that my kindergarten teacher had called to say I need a psychologist because "I didn't have all my beans." When I asked why they didn't even consider it, she said "Well, you were doing okay in school." But even in this conversation there was no further elaboration of what my mental health issues even WERE. As far as my mother was concerned, that was as far into the subject as she was going to go. I have super-sensitive hearing, and throughout my childhood my parents almost Never talked about me or my brothers. We just weren't on their minds at all. They were supposed to have kids, and they did, and they fed them and clothed them, and sent them to college. It was all a matter of social duties and social expectations. In terms of actual relationships with their children, they didn't really HAVE relationships with their children. From our point of view, as children, we ended up feeling very unloved, and to some degree unlovable. The fact that most of the kids in our neighborhood were being treated in much the same way, made it more bearable, and maybe in compensation we kids treated each other pretty damn well.
This is indeed very heartwarming and very wonderful and very beautiful and very adorable and very helpful and this brings back such great memories of when I use to be a 90s kid and an early 2000s kid and I am a new subscriber as well:).
Defo no need to apologise for going through it; I'm with Sam, letting us in on your insights as you're processing all this stuff is validating and inspiring. For one thing, talking about how little your parents were emotionally present when you needed them is making me look back myself. Moving out and away I never really felt there was anything particularly bad about my childhood (save for parents' divorce) and how I was treated, but looking back, I just have no recollection of ever really getting much emotional support. I never learned how to talk about feelings or to recognise when I have needs I should prioritise over others' convenience and whatnot. I moved out from Belgium to the UK when I was 20 (13 years ago). My mother's come visit me here 4 or 5 times since (last time pretty recently). My dad's still at 0. I do visit them both when I go back to Belgium, but as you might imagine I don't stay in touch with my dad nearly as much as the effort just doesn't seem to ever get reciprocated. I keep longing to improve that relationship but can never seem to find the energy to. Makes me wonder if it's worth trying. Well that was a personal tangent but I guess that's what the comments are for huh? The thing about suddenly feeling able to be yourself more also kinda struck a nerve, not something I'd considered before. I've kept a pretty dang... vanilla appearance for my whole adulthood (I mean, see profile pic lol) but I'm always delighted when I see folks with special hair colour/styles, tattoos, piercings etc. I can definitely hear my parents muttering quiet shitty judgments in my head. I'm hoping that your channel does keep growing to a point where it does in fact put you in a position where you have the options to reach a comfortable quality of life. I do feel it's uniquely helpful to quite a bunch of people, and I'm glad to see more people finding your corner of the internet. --- Completely unrelated to video but felt the need to mention it. I just finished the first season of Ashes to Ashes for the first time and I don't really know how to express how much cooler it is than Life on Mars already was. :D I feel like they really leaned into doing it all a bit more ... "over the top" I guess (especially all the fancy shots of Gene's quattro come to mind lol). So yeah thanks for referencing this show so much, it's fab. :)
Honestly i love your videos to bits and when you were talking about pushing though just one more shit thing and it will get better thats what i tell myself evertime to for years
Sorry to hear about your situation, you have my condolences. I have a video request; you mentioned writing a 50,000 word fantasy fiction book, did you ever have the intention or desire of publishing the book or becoming an author?
Always hated when people have told me "it gets better" because its been so long now and it never does, infact life taunts me and makes me think its getting better only to pull the rug from under me at the last minute. I hope you can work through all this thought and get through to the other side :
I hope we ALL manage to work through our stuff and come out the other side, big time feels like we’re all feeling pretty much the same way a lot of the time 💕💕💕
Big relate. I'm in my mid-40s and it's still just getting through one thing till there's something else to get through. I'm beginning to think this is all there is for me in life, and it's fucking depressing. I recently watched a video that gave the advice of deciding to live for no reason if you can't find a reason. That's really been helping me lately.
@@-shenanigans. I'm just living to care for two rescued dogs, beyond that, life is bleak, can't even find the willpower to create anymore 😅
@@-shenanigans. Look into Albert Camus, The Myth of Sisyphus (a short book he has written), and Absurdism.
I’m 64 and had a similar childhood and I’ve spent my whole life saying “if I can just get through this problem, maybe it will get easier”. It never has. That isn’t to say there haven’t been good times, there have, but it has still been a struggle, every day.
That's awful not having someone to teach you how to get through life. My parents taught me almost nothing and it wasn't until my brother came back into my life that he taught me how to do many basic practical things that are required to live like managing money, finding a place to live and, well, leaving the house and experiencing things. Afterwards I used the internet to teach myself emotional skills and finally after more than a decade of adulthood do I feel like I'm able to just be an actual person.
Emotional unavailability can impact on someone's development. It can be an adjustment to realise you don't share your parent's views.
Grief can be complicated too when these factors are present.
6:30 Same here, they left it all on my own. Like i wish i had a little more support or guidance on figuring out adult life. Such as taxes, rent,moving out, buying cars or property, credit, etc all i had to learn by myself. And although I am still learning, i do get worried about not knowing the things i should know by now. I feel i can be taken sdvantage of.
My parents were smart enough to realize that when a 5 year old, who had never been around other children, lay down in the middle of the street, sobbing in terror, perhaps that wasn’t a typical first day of school. But I was made to go. Every time I had difficulty with other people, I was made to go. If they didn’t see me suffering, they weren’t trying. If they did, they were monsters. And by the time I turned 18, I was told to leave. I haven’t spoken to my step-dad in 25 years. I was diagnosed last year. All I can do is keep looking backwards, shocked that nobody noticed, wondering if anyone had, what would my life have been like.
You deserved better
That line. 'If they weren't suffering they weren't trying'. I've felt like my family are in a struggle Olympics. Ideas like you have to be suffering greatly and on the brink of death to do anything or get anywhere in life.
14:30 I beleive we are all late bloomers. Dont feel bad. We are all going at our own pace❤
Dana, your video touched me on such a deep level, it’s hard to put into words. The way you express yourself, with so much raw emotion and authenticity, speaks directly to my heart. Watching you reflect on your journey from childhood, and everything you’ve had to learn and unlearn, feels like witnessing something incredibly sacred. Your courage to show the vulnerability of that journey is truly awe-inspiring.
I can see how much you’ve grown, and yet you still remain open to learning, which is a beautiful thing in itself. You’re creating a sense of connection and community where, for many of us, there was none before. We’ve all been new to this, navigating our identities as autistic or ADHD, and you’ve become a beacon in that process.
What strikes me most is how your reflections help mine percolate. I’ve found that, in my own day-to-day life, I’m starting to have more insights about my identity-ones that feel like they’ve been waiting to bloom-and you are a huge part of that. Watching you speak and share your experiences has made these insights come alive in a way I didn’t expect, helping me better understand who I am.
Thank you, Dana, for putting yourself out there, for being vulnerable, and for creating this space where we can all grow. Your path is incredible, and it’s such a privilege to witness it unfold.
Thank you so much for such an incredibly kind and thoughtful comment! Especially the part about how my reflections help yours percolate, there’s so many small things I’ve heard that have kickstarted major realisations for me, and then I end up thinking ‘damn, that would have been so much easier/faster if someone had just told me X’, so the whole point of me doing this is really very much so that you have this type of experience and i really can’t describe how it feels to know I’m actually getting to the people I can have this type of connection with!
realising your parents are just making it up as they go along is a giant stride into adulthood.
I'm 60 years old and self-diagnosed autistic, though I am having my assessment this coming Monday - 5 days from now. I am fortunate enough to be able to self-fund an autism assessment and I chose a psychologist who is autistic herself.
I was crying a lot last night watching this video, my heart hurt for you - and for me as a child. Some parts of your story were similar, some very, very different, but like you I raised myself. Both of my parents had mental health issues and I suspect my mother was autistic too. From my earliest memories I knew my parents were broken and so never really blamed them for the way they were, I especially knew my mother was only treading water keeping herself together and had nothing left for us kids except to look after us physically. My predominate emotion in childhood was fear and I was in fight-or-flight mode 24/7 for all of my childhood and most of my teens. (Paying for that now with 2 auto-immune conditions. Unfortunately that's another thing that is common with autistics and/or those who experience childhood trauma. And childhood emotional neglect is trauma).
My family came to Australia from South America when I was 1 year old and I grew up in very small town in the Australian bush. I didn't have the option of watching lots of television or movies as a child and all I did was read books. I started reading before started school at 4 years old and I don't know how I learned to read. I read a book (an entire book) most days during all my childhood, teenage years and in my twenties. I didn't have toys and I didn't have any other interests up to 12 years old (when I joined the school band and choir and started acting in plays). All I did was read. I got my sense of morality from the books I read and (this is probably referring to another of your videos) my 'imaginary play' was inserting myself into those books. For example, with Little Women, I was a rich benefactor who came and gave them lots of presents. (I really liked to play the part of someone who had power/money and was able to help others, I think it was to counteract my powerlessness at the time).
Everyone's story is different and my heart really hurts when I read comments from other autistics whose lives didn't end up OK in the end. I'm lucky and I'm very, very grateful that things did end up well for me, but things didn't start to change until I was 29 - so 2 years older than you are now. I don't want to say this as a platitude because I know everything does not work out well for everyone, but there is a very good chance that things will work out for you. I can't really say why I was lucky other than I met the right people at the right time and somehow made the right choices at key times in my life. I also have received a LOT OF COUNSELLING (mainly for childhood trauma, and the childhood trauma really clouded the autism issue). Though I do think that my love of reading and love of animals were the 2 things that mostly kept me sane.
I still struggle with making friends and I a lot of people think I'm a little weird, but I have a good husband, 2 dogs, we own a house and I don't have to worry (too much) about money and paying the bills. Although I don't have many close friends, I have enough of 'a community' that it's OK; I have purpose and meaning in my life. Although I don't make friends easily, I don't seem to need friends much (until I do!). Most especially, I have my special interests, the main one which earns me a little money and hopefully going forward will earn me some more. My husband, dogs, my community and my special interests are enough for me 99% of the time.
Regarding childhood neglect, your parents not providing you with comfort and care - I found articles by Pete Walker (MA, MFT - licensed psychotherapist) helpful regarding this - just the acknowledgement of how damaging it was. (i.e. Some people seem to think that if you didn't experience physical abuse and your physical needs were met, the trauma 'isn't that bad'.)
Deciding on whether to post this comment was a big struggle because on one hand I don't want to make those who didn't end up OK feel bad about themselves (or worse about themselves), but I do want to point out that although you may feel a bit hopeless at 27, it is possible for things to improve. Given your self-awareness and your desire to figure things out, you will probably be OK. I really appreciate your content and really hope that things work out really well for you.
Best of luck on Monday. Must've been very isolated in the 70s and 80s in the middle of nothing, I can't even imagine. At least there's internet now, why we're both here I suppose.
@@RedSntDK Thank you. Assessment over; I did the questionnaires a couple of weeks ago, today was a three hour (zoom) meeting. I was told at the end that I am autistic though it will take 6-8 weeks to get the formal assessmemt/paperwork. I feel relieved and exhausted.
@@RedSntDK Official diagnosis - I’m autistic. (Though it will take 6-8 weeks for the formal paperwork).
I definitely agree that it sucks that it is looked down upon to talk about people who are dead in any negative or critical way. I can be sad about and grieve the loss of the person while also understanding that they hurt me, and that I wish things were different, and I can talk about both of those things. But for some reason that second part is usually seen as disrespect towards the dead, when in reality it is simply not ignoring the negativity of a relationship when that person is gone. Those are my random thoughts on the subject, and I hope they make sense.
Also talking off and on topic at a camera definitely helps me process stuff sometimes, so I hope it does for you to.
I'm 35 and I feel like I only learned like in the past couple years how to parent myself with kindness. Definitely felt like I raised myself growing up, too. I have a 12 year old son, and I put my whole heart and every drop of the limited energy I have into parenting him with kindness and acceptance and understanding. I intend to live a long life to be there for him (he's also autistic), but if I were to die today, I would have no doubts in my mind whatsoever that he feels how much I love him. My parents' neglect and abuse (Dad, just neglect, Mom, neglect and quite bad psychological abuse) really drove me to want to have a child and prove that I knew how to do things "the right way."
Now of course, I do realize that some of my ideas of right and wrong may have been quite rigid because of my autism, but that just means that I go out of my way now to be more openminded and give others more grace. Just like you said, I know I can forgive my parents and understand why they behaved the way they did, but it doesn't mean I need to delude myself or deny that the bad things happened.
If I had known I was autistic, I don't know that I would have felt up for all the things I have to do though to be able to raise my son and provide for him as well as I manage to right now. Like in the U.S., once you're married, going on disability is a big choice because you can't qualify for most benefits if your spouse's income is above a certain poverty line-level threshold. So we'd be stuck as working poor forever if only my husband worked AND I still wouldn't be eligible for most benefits. So the choices I would have made might have ended up being different. Now, I feel like I'm stuck in the grind forever and like I have little choice in the matter because I want to provide my son with more options than I had. Right now, he says he doesn't want to go to college after high school, and he might not want to work at all. He also says he wants to stay living with me forever. That could change in the future, but I'm going to make sure that I have the means to provide for him for his whole life if I can. I want to give him the security that I always wanted for myself.
I can say, when I was 27, I was doing therapy like once a month. Now, I attend 2-4 sessions per week. It's a LOT, it's tiring, but I have to do this right now to keep myself going with work and the self-care, even just getting meals into my body. I have 1 individual therapist that I see biweekly. I have a Philly Center for Autism therapist who I see for individual every week (this one is very impactful for me). My son has a family therapy session biweekly that I attend with him most times, just for him to be used to the format of therapy and comfortable in the setting. My husband and I do couples therapy once per week so we can improve our communication and to help us cope as I've been de-masking and he's been struggling with overwhelm at times too. Husband and son also each do individual. It's a lot of appointments but I genuinely do feel better. Also, for many years, I said fuck it to getting my sleep sorted, and this year I hit a breaking point and just had to start dealing with it. Sleep hypnosis recordings work really well for me, even though there was a grieving process in giving up my late night time for gaming, reading, and watching shows.
Sorry for writing a whole book in your comments. You're amazing, Dana. You've already done so much in your life and I bet you're going to do a lot more. The personal growth never stops. I went from being someone who always wanted to end it to being someone who feels like there isn't enough time in one life to do everything they want to do. That alone makes me grateful that I stuck around.
I remember something my mother said to me ages ago and it never clicked until childhood but, like you, I was fed and clothes and housed, but, she only did this to save her own skin from going to jail for neglect as she so called it, I did however get beaten and abused physically, mentally and emotionally. I had Childhood military torture abuse. My mothers father was in the military and specialized in interrogation torture techniques and basically thats what she grew up with and so she did it to me. She now denys ever having abused us because she cannot mentally handle the responsibilities of that... Thank you for your videos you make me feel less alone im 28 and still suffering from flash backs and crippling depression and CPTSD.
God I am in such a similar position to you, and came from a neglectful and abusive family, my dad dead and no contact with my mum. I absolutely feel you on all of this, you are not alone. And you are allowed to feel what you feel towards your parents, it is not bad to feel angry towards them, a lot of people think forgiveness is about not feeling anger towards them and feeling peace. That is not how things work, acceptance is better, accept how you feel, how things were, the things you wished. Acceptance isn't always peaceful, and that's okay.
I just want to say though that maybe TH-cam is not the place to be processing your emotions look this, it can be dangerous to your mental health, I know this as someone who used to talk in depth about my traumas and past on the internet. It took a lot to stop. This is not me saying not to express, but to protect yourself from the harmful words of others that can stick a hell of a lot longer than it takes for people to type and forget. Please protect yourself, I think its amazing youshare your experiences and I resonate a lot with them, but it should not come at the cost of your mental safety. There are ways to share and to educate and vlog, without exposing the vulnerable parts of yourself. Sure vulnerability is a good thing, but there are different kinds, and vulnerability like everything must be done in moderation. I don't know you but I empathise a lot with you, I relate a lot to you, and I care about your wellbeing as I'm sure many other people do. Just put your safety and protection first, the words people say can have lasting affects to your mental health, and it isn't weakness or cowardice to be hurt by them and retreat.
DIfficult parental dynamics is such a complex thing to navigate; you're doing really well, better than it may feel. You're building a supportive community. I totally get deriving principles from tv because Humans put the best of themselves into creativity so there's nothing wrong with that.
I see so many similarities in our upbringings and it brings me alot of comfort to hear you speak about this. I essentially raised myself and my younger sister. I also hate that every conversation relates to racism in some way, or ablism or conspiracy theories. I was raised to believe that black people literally had less braincells than us, it was wild. Bothy parents are still alive, but i dont see my dad much at all now because hes a bigoted dick. My mama though is working through her late autism awareness and its helping alot but i still struggle. Its hard af raising yourself and you should be so proud of yourself for getting yourself to this point. You have put in so much work and it shows. Im so proud of you ❤
You just described my family tbh. I wanna go no contact so bad
Hi Dana. Hope you are well. Just discovered Good Omens with Martin Sheen and David Tennant. It is very good. It's funny.
I wish I could say it gets better with time but I would be lying. Both my parents are now dead, my mum died 13 years ago, my dad nearly a year ago(it has taken me almost that time to finish sorting out his estate, not that there was much, just refunds from various places). I have kind of given up hoping my life will suddenly turn around and get better. I got nothing to show for my 50 years either. No prospects of a job, I don't own my home and probably never will(unless I win a lot of money or a rich relative I have no idea exists leaves a lot of money to me in their will), got no one to share my life with and probably never will(am going to die alone, resigned to that now), I know nobody out there wants me. I was hoping there would be at least somebody I could be with to grow old together and enjoy the next 20 to 30 years of life. Life sucks.
What I always say to myself is "other things will come by, and some of those things MIGHT be better" heavy emphasis on the MIGHT - it won't necessarily be something great, or even good, but at the very least it's something to do other than staring at the walls.
Pardon if my saying is too vague. I'm saying it on the context of counting on luck to throw something your way; it can be a local event that catches your interest, striking up a banal but pleasent chat with a stranger, finding a good book in a second hand shop.
You already have a life that is worth living. You are helping a lot people, and that's nothing to sneeze at.
I really appreciate the sentiment of this comment, and when I’m thinking about it I am ofc v proud of what I’ve achieved here and how many people feel I’m helping them in someway, and it is absolutely important and special to me, but it doesn’t really have any effect or consequence to my day to day life.
Dana! please never be hard on yourself for not "having it all together". You survived a really difficult home situation and got out! In my eyes, that makes you a huge success. This video was such a comfort to me, I also had to parent myself and raise myself. I'm still trying to get to the part where I'm brave enough to move out, so to me you are an inspiration and my comfort TH-camr :")
I dont knownif it gets better, but you get used to certain types of and amounts if crap that comes your way, it does keep coming. Do your best to focus on the good stuff, like friends, a little light can be amazing
I’m experiencing this as we speak
Hvala.
“It gets better” is BS because they don't know. That said, my life has been getting better from decade to decade to the point where I'm ridiculously happy today. So it can work out. Also there's the effect called regression to the mean, e.g., if your current flat is sufficiently unusually shit, the next one is more likely to be better than worse because there are more flats that are better than there are flats that are worse. (That's of course unhelpful if the mean itself is really shit.)
the autistic sense of justice goes hard. Very hard. too hard in many cases.
learned a good few times online to keep my distance and mouth closed about various things i consider Big problems in my slice of the internet.
I was the one my mother trained to me house btch too. Left home at 17, just found out recently that she was making me pay more than double the amount of board me two older siblings were paying, and i was doing laundry and cooking because theywere exempt for some reason
I really appreciate you putting it all out there. It's easy to watch hopeful videos and convince myself that's it's going to get better etc. Similar to you I have this sense that "it has to get better at some point, I just have to hold on and keep going", even though there has been no sign of that so far during my life. Like seriously, shit was bad from the very beginning. I think it's useful to admit that we don't really know if it's getting better or not. Not in order to wallow in misery and hopelessness... But at least to not feel so alone.
Thank you for sharing this. What you shared in this is very meaningful to me. I can hear your frustration and discomfort. You've clearly articulated things I've been through and struggled to acknowledged, because those with adequate parents don't understand.
In terms of the "autistic sense of justice," I certainly knew that my parents were not acting like "good parents"--that they shouldn't be threatening me, hitting me, yelling at me, ignoring my mental health issues. For me, going off to college really did make things a lot better, and I was able to start repairing my relationship with my parents. I asked my mother why she had ignored my obvious mental issues, and she said that yes, my shutdowns were disturbing, and also that my kindergarten teacher had called to say I need a psychologist because "I didn't have all my beans." When I asked why they didn't even consider it, she said "Well, you were doing okay in school." But even in this conversation there was no further elaboration of what my mental health issues even WERE. As far as my mother was concerned, that was as far into the subject as she was going to go. I have super-sensitive hearing, and throughout my childhood my parents almost Never talked about me or my brothers. We just weren't on their minds at all. They were supposed to have kids, and they did, and they fed them and clothed them, and sent them to college. It was all a matter of social duties and social expectations. In terms of actual relationships with their children, they didn't really HAVE relationships with their children. From our point of view, as children, we ended up feeling very unloved, and to some degree unlovable. The fact that most of the kids in our neighborhood were being treated in much the same way, made it more bearable, and maybe in compensation we kids treated each other pretty damn well.
This is indeed very heartwarming and very wonderful and very beautiful and very adorable and very helpful and this brings back such great memories of when I use to be a 90s kid and an early 2000s kid and I am a new subscriber as well:).
Defo no need to apologise for going through it; I'm with Sam, letting us in on your insights as you're processing all this stuff is validating and inspiring.
For one thing, talking about how little your parents were emotionally present when you needed them is making me look back myself. Moving out and away I never really felt there was anything particularly bad about my childhood (save for parents' divorce) and how I was treated, but looking back, I just have no recollection of ever really getting much emotional support. I never learned how to talk about feelings or to recognise when I have needs I should prioritise over others' convenience and whatnot.
I moved out from Belgium to the UK when I was 20 (13 years ago). My mother's come visit me here 4 or 5 times since (last time pretty recently). My dad's still at 0. I do visit them both when I go back to Belgium, but as you might imagine I don't stay in touch with my dad nearly as much as the effort just doesn't seem to ever get reciprocated. I keep longing to improve that relationship but can never seem to find the energy to. Makes me wonder if it's worth trying.
Well that was a personal tangent but I guess that's what the comments are for huh? The thing about suddenly feeling able to be yourself more also kinda struck a nerve, not something I'd considered before. I've kept a pretty dang... vanilla appearance for my whole adulthood (I mean, see profile pic lol) but I'm always delighted when I see folks with special hair colour/styles, tattoos, piercings etc. I can definitely hear my parents muttering quiet shitty judgments in my head.
I'm hoping that your channel does keep growing to a point where it does in fact put you in a position where you have the options to reach a comfortable quality of life. I do feel it's uniquely helpful to quite a bunch of people, and I'm glad to see more people finding your corner of the internet.
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Completely unrelated to video but felt the need to mention it. I just finished the first season of Ashes to Ashes for the first time and I don't really know how to express how much cooler it is than Life on Mars already was. :D I feel like they really leaned into doing it all a bit more ... "over the top" I guess (especially all the fancy shots of Gene's quattro come to mind lol). So yeah thanks for referencing this show so much, it's fab. :)
Honestly i love your videos to bits and when you were talking about pushing though just one more shit thing and it will get better thats what i tell myself evertime to for years
you are so incredibly dealing with everything you have done it's generally impressive
I'm so sorry you're going through such a tough, sad time, Dana. Sending you much love 💕💕
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Sorry to hear about your situation, you have my condolences. I have a video request; you mentioned writing a 50,000 word fantasy fiction book, did you ever have the intention or desire of publishing the book or becoming an author?