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Anybody else find it emotionally draining - in a weirdly positive way - to watch these videos? Like, it brings up a lot of tough stuff for me, but at the same time, I almost feel like I'm being "seen" in a way that I don't often get in my daily life
Yes, big time. When I started wondering about my attachment style i watched the DA and AF videos and thought to myself "i find myself in these, she speaks to me" then i moved to FA videos and started crying, i never felt so understood And there it is in a 10 minute video everything that is challenging for me about myself, and it hurts.
FA needs lots of passion, depth, transparency, and absolute trust in a relationship. they also very good at mind reading their partner and meet their needs, but if their partner can't do it for them it will be very painful and detrimental.
I am FA leaning DA. Was seeing this DA dude at a time when I wasnt working on myself ( he drove me to actually working on myself...) . So, when we were together one on one, everything was perfect but when we were out of sight ot was out of mibd for him..... the silence, the ghosting...resurfacing when he was ready! I took that as mad disrespect and couldnt trust him for nothing. So then, I moved on, with someone else (didnt have the "moving-on conversation) cos I thought he didnt deserve it. He resurfaced again after my "moving on" .Of course I stone walled him! We are in no contact since plus we have seen each other out and totally ignored each other. I still think about him especially now that I am working on myself! I totally get that I must have triggered this guy as much as he triggered me! The moral of the story is, I think FA /DA relationships are too hard. Especially if the FA is leaning DA! One person needs to be secure or alittle bit anxious for it to work
@@kristianvrum8979 No, I know this because I'm secure dating an FA and his cognitive distortions are usually made of painful meaning he has given things, as Thais explains. It's exhausting.
An alternate perspective may be that it's not that FAs want drama and passion, but that silence is not reassuring. When things are stable and mellow, FAs at baseline, do not have the trust that things will be okay, rather they expect that things are going bad and they still need reassurance, which increases anxiety and creates drama. FAs just have a higher standard for trust. It takes a lot more work to gain an FAs trust.
Yah idk about “higher standard for trust” lol as an FA I’d agree that we have two modes: everything is amazing, everything is falling apart. when things are stable I tend to assume it’s the later. Reassurance would definitely make me feel better, yet it’s not anyone’s responsibility to continuously supply that.
After 8 years of being the most reliable person on the planet I gave up. Sometimes it really is an "issue" you yourself are creating. Not consciously, not out of ill will, but you create it nevertheless.
@@Selam-fr4lf I am with you on this. I guess "higher standard of trust" is my way of sugar coating "more insecure" I'm not saying it's a good thing or a bad thing. It's just a thing about FAs; an alternative perspective that may lead to a more in depth understanding and maybe even healing or resolution.
Idk about the higher standard either? I find myself feeling trusting of someone and then maybe acting in some way out if that trust and then questioning it and getting really nervous, and then if I don't have the proper support (ie: if I express the anxiety and the other person becomes defensive or closes off), that nervousness escalates. I would almost agree with the phrase "need reassurance", but what actually makes me feel reassured these days is not words, even though I try really really hard to believe what someone tells me because otherwise that cognitive distortion thing is major.
Needs in a relationship for FA 1. Passion (wanting chaos, not good long term) & depth (to feel safe) 2. Transparency 3. Absolute trust 4. Space & warmth when needed
Do you think that may be a bit selfish? And to be honest if you were to work together with your partner and also work on yourself as well you might find a way to make both of you happy.
The 'reading minds and expecting others to read mine' resonates so much. No longer assuming what others feel and expressing how I feel is so liberating.
I used to tell people..."ohh my bf and I can almost read each other's minds when we look into each other's eyes. He can read any emotion I have." Now I know how crazy I sounded🤣
How'd you do it? Did you just practice stopping it or did you have a technique? At some point I realised how annoying it was. I ended up asking this one guy if he was 'alright' after the slightest changes. I got annoyed with myself big time.
my problem with mind reading is that i rarly read wrong so it's hard for me to not rely on my instincts, i'm sure FA people will relate to this usually i ask questions i already know the answers of just to see how good i am
Exactly :) just yday I had a feeling that my DA bf was lieing and hiding something from me, and after few hours of me torturing myself, trying to find out the truth without asking him cause I knew he would lie even more, I found out that I was in fact right and that he did lie big time. Its over for me, its not worth the pain. Staying with DA for us FAs is soul crushing...
@@tequilabumbum4373 I'm sorry to hear that, my last girlfriend was DA i feel your pain, DA people are the most brutal it's like they have no empathy for you and they make you lean towards being DA as protective mechanism
I often say that we can only ask the questions for which we which we already know the answers, to an extent at least. I don't know about mind reading, but when it comes to instincts, you should never ignore them - they often represent what your emotional brain is trying to tell you, but your conscious brain can't or doesn't want to think about.
As a FA my idea of a perfect relationship is being in a committed rel'ship in which we both live in our own homes. Privacy and quiet is super important to me.
I’m married to a stereotypical computer geek. We come together & give each other space. I guess that’s why I don’t mind him playing his computer games. I think he’s an AP.
Wow, spot on. I crave deep, passionate, ultra-transparent relationships. I laughed when she was talking about trust. I can’t count how many times a relationship was ruined because I felt someone broke trust and I pretty much disappeared off the face of the earth because I felt that there was no fixing and I didn’t even want to try. It seemed like too much distress. It’s pretty funny how I see these patterns repeated in my past 😅 but I’m definitely working towards understanding how to have healthy relationships. Oh yeah and I’m pretty good at reading situations too haha. But I find communicating instead of always just observing/“mind reading” leads to less misunderstandings.
The irony of the FA is that we’re *better* at guessing behavior, but we completely ignore the important fact “reading between the lines” is the most INEFFICIENT way of getting to an answer. HAVE THE CONVERSATION YOU ASS (me @ me 😅)
@@hamzahkhan4319 lol really. We got into arguments and I did something which hurted her and so she did too. But I don't know how it broke her trust if I didn't cheat, lied and belittle her behind her back
Thais goes way beyond psychologist or coach level. She hands down has more understanding than most on TH-cam. She gets it because she's lived it. Case in point- most others won't even acknowledge or address the existence of the FA.
@@chrissearcher3563 Yes, I get so frustrated with most attachment resources that skim over FA, or say it's too rare and doesn't need addressing. Additionally, in response to OP's question, imo, the mental health field is too focused on severe or moderate pathology to really bother with attachment styles. It's like how MDs only get like 20 hours of nutrition training, then hand out dietary advice to overweight patients that is known not to work. Highly and formally trained professionals are not a good source for solving mild problems, therefore we have a spectrum of practitioners: coaches, counselors, and then psychologists. Hope that helps!
I’ve definitely used “mind reading” to determine that someone doesn’t like me anymore when really they just needed a little space and try to distance themselves a bit. I wish I could just believe someone when they say everything is fine. I’m learning though, I had my first relationship where I was self aware of my own tendencies and really tried to respect boundaries, believe what they told me instead of reading into it too much but also let them know how I perceive things as much as I could to help her understand me. Anyway, it didn’t last but we left on good terms and it gave me confidence I can manage myself.
Similar story here. I realize in hindsight that while by no means perfect, I was much better at communication than she was giving me credit for, but she just really had a problem meeting me somewhere in the middle of my needs and hers.
Holy shit. Feel so seen! That’s what it’s hard for me to bring up things when I’m trying to communicate something important. I want to be understood and heard not fight. It makes me wanna throw the thing away. Because it feels ruined! Thank you for understanding
Me too. Any volatility makes me run away, its as if an alarm goes off in my brain screaming "unsafe unsafe unsafe". Then, I regret running away after lots of time goes by and I miss the person so deeply. Deep down I just wanted to feel understood by my friend/partner/family. Looking back at my life I've ran away from so many things!!!
@@marianamalheiros7367 totally. It's about feeling understood even if I know I have my side where I did things wrong. Want to be seen.. and heard. and understood. I moved to Asia once after a breakup.. so.. I run too.
Last point. As an anxious avoidant who dated a secure for the first time. It felt boring. But l knew it was good for me. I've dated an anxious attachment person and a Drama Queen narcissist. I'm done with drama ok? It's a f*ing mental and emotional drain.I want stability, connection, reliability in a partnership. I feel whole. I feel after all those shitty relationships, l have learned about myself and my wounds. l am going to get the healthy, happily ever after union l deserve based on growth, mutual respect, admiration, healthy interdependence.
Boring could mean just the wrong person. I don't find stability in itself boring, and I've been bored in relationships that weren't super healthy or stable. I don't think boredom relates to secure attachment in itself. I think what makes secure attachment stable is the consistency. For example, the passion is consistent, rather than run hot and cold. I think this is possible to do when passion isn't unrestrained but rather lived daily and nurtured, and trusting the next day that the relationship is where you left it the day before rather than waking up catastrophising life and thinking that the passion will crash so suddenly you have to withdraw and protect yourself. Had I known that my only good relationship would be with that boyfriend I had from age 18-20, I would have forgiven him for the stupidity he did and stayed with him. Never in 100 years would I have thought so many people are so unstable these days. But let me tell you, that relationships was very stable, had lots of passion, and was never boring. I felt loved, secure, and I could predict that each day I woke up my partner still loved me the same.
I'm in the same boat as well😅🤣 but trust me once you understand that her actions are not directed towards you personally and you know how much she's struggling you lose your anxiety and anger, but be sure not to break her trust, and keep a note to yourself that even though you reached a high level of communication and understanding, sometimes it won't work at the end, I wish it works and ends great, but be accetping that it may not work and that's ok, because now you're a much better person to understand women and have less arguements in the future, wish you the best! And it's a real man who doesn't run away and is patient. Don't let people play with your head to tell you what's right and wrong. If you've made to here you are smart enough to decide better than anyone else
@@whtfolks5517 I have decided that is it is time better spent forging new relationships with another rather than trying to rekindle something that has failed. In other words, don't go digging through the garbage once you've hauled it to the curb.
@@chrishatcher9239 I agree, I’ve been there / done that. Came to realize we cannot help people like that, they can only help themselves if they want to. I’m not a repairman. Plenty of folks with normal minds out there
The comment about mind reading really got to me - took me years to realise not everyone can intuitively figure out what I need and not because they don’t care but simply because I didn’t tell them 😔
This is sooooooo on point!!! I would also add the need for/expectation of a lot of novelty, which I know Thais has talked about in the past where FAs are concerned. As an FA myself, I think FAs often have a great need for novelty, challenge and unpredictability, yet also depth and trust and intense loyalty underneath that.
@@redfullmoon Yes, this rings familiar to me. Growth and dynamism are essential to keeping those feelings of stagnation and feeling suffocated from setting in. My partner and I were having that trouble for a spell, but I feel our relationship has rekindled now that the onset of a chronic illness has kickstarted her interest in philosophical expansion and personal development.
I just pushed someone away on accident again. I liked her and she liked me quite a bit not long ago. The more I tried to dig myself out, apologize and explain myself, the deeper the hole became.
You didn't push her away. FA's, please take a deep breath and remember that your attachment style is contributing to these thoughts. Before you decide you've torpedo'd the relationship and retreat, understand that this is literally the F of your A, and most likely your partner does not want the relationship to end.
100% true, nailed it again! The absolute trust one made me think of the time my ex & I were dating for like a week or something and his wallet got stolen and we spent the day looking for it instead of doing our planned program and I spiralled thinking that if he can't take care of his stuff how is he gonna take care of me? lol so overdramatic
Bahaha I’ve done this too many times to count. I too have dipped out for small things. They were too clumsy, not active enough, their taste in music, the way they laugh, a tv show they watched, the list goes on. Anything I can rationalize about how it wouldn’t work. I hope you’ve found stability.
@Jimmy Batson lol I wasn't worried about the financial aspect of it though yeah it's funny 😂 just the fact you know that he didn't have his shit together was a red flag for me cuz I really wanted to find a red flag
😳😳 omg me literally now!! In my head it just makes soo much sense and then I listen to the videos over and over again, read comments lol and finally I'm like, you are fine stop being dramatic 😂🤣
I love reading these comments from all you other FAs out there! It's so nice to see other people with similar patterns! I've been in therapy for two years and been working towards a more secure attachment - which feels good, but the old FA triggers come up from time to time and it's so hard to sit with! I feel like it's like being a cat. Please do not suffocate me or drown me with affection, I'll push you away, but leave me for too long and I'll come miaowing for love, but only when I'm ready! Haha.
You're not. I just figured I am a FA, all the while I thought I was AP.. Been skipping videos about FAs coz I thought they're aren't relevant as my ex is a DA.
Just got broken up with by my (ex) bf who is an FA. It took me aback and his reason for the breakup is indeed that he feels our connection lacks passion and intensity, so for him, it’s not love and I must not be the one. Another reason is that we should understand each other and align without the need for communication- which is the mind reading Thais is talking about. I’ve tried to work it and talk it out and make him understand how this is not healthy but he’s very stubborn and not aware. Truly thinking he’s right, he ended it. In good terms though. But it’s so sad….. I feel like I’m way more healthy and still not able to stay in a relationship. It’s hard to not take it personally.
@@sunbeam9222 thanks for sharing your story: i do think that insecure attachments can only start the healing process once life hits them hard. I'm glad you're in a healthier place but yeah, it's the irony of it all. One of my best friends is a FA too and she has the same kind of story and realization. She knows about attachment style but she still makes the same mistakes. I hope you and me find solace in the fact we're healthier today and hope we find true secure love ;)
Can't stop laughing at it being absolutely true. 😂 Have improved a bit, yet a long road to take to being secure. 🏇 This hypervigilance, people-pleasing and being a competition to everyone is something needed to be worked on. It's tiring and totally meaningless. 🙄 Will definitely become secure - a promise and commitment to myself. 💜
As a partner of a DA, I didn't expect for this video to teach me why my partner loves me. I do a lot of these things unconsciously, without realizing they mean they world to him. It helps me appreciate myself
I can definitely relate to the need for depth to feel safe even outside of a relationship. At work I like to understand how the process works and really dig deep to make sense of the "why" behind what I do. I really want to make a transition since I've been in my current role for almost 8 years. I'm ready for a change but it causes me anxiety because I have to go through the process of relearning and understanding a new position. In order to grow I know I have to reprogram that fear!
I can 100% relate. I think sometimes FA's and AA's can feel anxiety in our careers as well because we can have a fear of change and the unknown which making big steps in our careers can be.
Yes!! I agree! I started my TH-cam channel and have stopped filming videos because of the fear. 😩 and trying to understand why? Trying to stary until I perfect it etc.
As an FA, I don't think this is fully a description of what I think of as the perfect relationship at all. Transparency is important, yes... passion, yes. Volatility, no. I don't get off on drama. I like to avoid it at all costs. That being said, I am a very passionate person. I don't expect anyone to be able to read my mind, or just "know" intuitively what I need from them. I am working on asking for what I need, and learning not to take it personally if someone isn't meeting my needs in the relationship. I do have trouble discerning when to give up on someone that I love. I tend to hold on until I have no love left in me to give. I'm not the perfect partner by any means, but I am loveable, and have many endearing qualities. I'm slow to warm up to people, though and I let very few people get close to me, so if I let you in, consider yourself one of the chosen few and don't betray my trust. You won't regret having me in your life. They never do... and almost always come back telling me they regret letting me go.
Also an FA here, and I absolutely agree 100%. I don’t like volatility either, it makes me miserable. I’m a high functioning FA leaning AA, though, so perhaps that’s why I don’t like volatility.
Agree with all that you said except the drama part lol! Maybe this is where the nuance of humans comes in. Im highly confrontational and I suppose combative. Because it was always like that with my alcoholic farher and I felt a need to protect my older brother and defend my mother or help since she didnt know english. That being said, id say the same thing you said...i dont LIKE drama but I subconsciously look for it and pick at things, or my intense feelings make mountains out of moleholes and i just HAVE to get it out. Maybe OCD/ADHD tendencies...not sure. But theres nothing more than I want to feel safe and stable. I want the argument but on my terms and for it to end when my episode has subsided (which is not healthy). Or the drama has happened and my partner has pulled away and noe im pining for closeness and apologetic. Its a constant push and pull. This whole comment is probably chaotic but that is how I truly feel. I dont want it but I subconsciously create it because that is what I know how to navigate or how to release my frustrations easily. But once it happens. Im dying and no thanks lol. Im in therapy working because I want to feel peace ❤ blessings to you!
I'm definitely a Fearful Avoidant. We are good with our instincts and reading people. I'm also passive-aggressive, I don't know if that something other FAs have.
True that. Because deep down I know, I am not going to get the response I need from my partner and it is better to repress than to express and get annoyed 🥴
Exactly... my ex FA wanted me to be transparent & I was... only to find out from an outside source that he was married & had a 7 months pregnant wife; on top of that he had an insta account with 3000+ girls that I guess must be the exes who are friends zoned now... i just wanted to lessen his burden so I minus myself from his list 😂
God I thought I was Anxiously attached but all of the attributes of a FA described me perfectly. Something else I do which fits in to studying people/reading people so well is I ask a ton of questions to get to know someone better and what makes them tick, what triggers them, etc. I’m basically researching them so I can read them better when I need to.
This sounds like a lose/lose. Damned if you do, damned if you don’t. You can’t win. Beyond difficult, it seems impossible to ever really connect and remain with someone like this. How can you? Someone please tell me otherwise and explain if I’m missing how to open the door of someone’s heart in this situation...and keep it ajar long enough to have a sustained loving relationship. I genuinely want to understand how you can ever breakthrough with these FA attachment types. It seems so unhealthy to be on the receiving end of this and attempting to remain with them. It feels toxic and like you will lose yourself in the end if you try to stick it out. Can they ever settle down and have a long term committed relationship? Be happily married? It actually sounds a lot like Borderline traits too, no? The idealization phase in the beginning (which comes from intuitive “mind reading”). The dramatic emotional outbursts and wanting to “fight” (disregulated emotions). Wanting to be loved more than anything else but so afraid of it. Always needing more affirmation but too much and they are overwhelmed, fear of abandonment/engulfment. Then the eventual discard phase when they sense you are finally overwhelmed with giving giving giving into all their helplessness/neediness and all your patience has worn thin, and need a break for a day or two... and then possible hoovering you back in shortly thereafter. The cycle repeats... ♾ Never too close, never too far away. A yo-yo/ping-pong love.
Omg yes I have just gone thru all of this with a guy . I was an amazing women to him so patient. I said to him it was like trying to get to the Castle in the labyrinth , & the evil goblins turning the pavement over from my marks to help me see my way. He eventually ghosted on me . Everything he said he wasn’t he seemed he was . He’s not a bad person just a very troubled individual that’s never worked on his traumas
Are you kidding? I am an evolved FA (INFP) I would date myself in a heartbeat. I make an incredible partner. I know this. I also really worked on myself. I have very good EQ. The worst attachment to date is hands down the DA.
This channel has truly changed my life and my relationships. Thank you for offering such great content! I've also been recommending it to everyone I care about :)
Is me!!! Wow thanks for the shoutout! But even more so, thank you for putting up all this content. I've been on the personal growth journey for quite a while, and have always found a vagueness to a lot of content out there, but so many more aha moments and clarity in your work. Like instead of the usual, just love yourself, you give concrete steps on how to actually take care of our personal needs, and what it looks like when we don't. Or certain behavioural traits that actually stem from being emotional crutches, and how to have healthier responses and conversations.
I'm a fearful avoidant and I'm really glad I found this channel at this time in my life. I'm going through something with another fearful avoidant that I really care about. I could use all the guidance I can get!
I question the use of the term "mind reading" , especially how much it is repeated here as an undesirable thing. I think we need to talk/hear about what attunement is as compared to so called "mind reading". It is not a bad thing to seek attunement with a partner, and to want a partner to be attuned to you as you are to them. If a partner (most likely a DA) is making little to no attempt to be attuned to you that is just as detrimental as an FA's or AP's supposed wish for "mind reading".
I never realized the connection between depth and survial. That's huge for me as an FA. Also the part about "mind reading" is so spot on, and the fact that I expect it because I figured it out. It sounds strange maybe, but that's also why I used to get mad in drive thru's, because I worked in one for a while and got really good at it. So I expected everyone to be good at it.
I'm so grateful to have found this channel, just as my FA partner and I recently decided we must either break-up or fix our communication which has completely imploded. I've only been watching the videos since yesterday and it feels like someone's handed me a GPS device and torch after years of being totally lost in the woods in total darkness! :) As an AP who has done a lot of therapy (but never around attachment styles), I was using the times he needed space to practise my self-regulation and other skills I'd learned in DBT and learn to work through my abandonment issues. But even so I was starting really worry that my FA may be a vulnerable narcissist, although I've been around true narcissists and he just didn't quite match the traits. The dramas were really unsettling for me though. Having watched these videos, his behaviours makes SO much sense. Unfortunately he is BIG on drama, and for me the verbal lash-outs were too much for me to feel psychologically safe to stay. I'm recovered from BPD and worked very very hard for that, and want psychologically safe relationships. It felt like we both feeling unseen, and were triggering each other, and now I see why. There's also the times he'd tell me to leave, then come back crying and terrified that I actually was going to leave. You FAs are confusing folk, lol! He still doesn't want to actually end it, yet for months he'd been doing everything to make it so unpleasant that I will be the one to dump him. Is this also a thing that FAs do? Not want to be a dumper?
Being a FA is not a place I want to stay. It's exhausting. The only thing I like about it is being able to feel the room and meet people and get vibes off people. The rest I would like to change to Secure attachment.
I fear that I have felt entitled to indulge my yearning for deep connection by entangling myself with others, fawning when I'm afraid that things aren't good between us because she's not smiling - even paradoxically not being willing to confront the reality of what she thinks and feels because it destroys the illusion of a Soul Mate bond that I wanted. Shame on me if I keep on making that mistake. Maybe people like us don't need "relationships." We need to learn to form alliances: based on mutual respect, which includes knowing when to mind your own business and not snoop into someone else's soul. What do you think of this? Fearful Avoidance is the attempt to move from Anxious Attachment to Dismissive Avoidant, but not quite there yet. It's a wretched no-man's land of not having enough strength to truly be indifferent to what other people think about you. Will we ever achieve that beautiful armored self-sufficient serenity? Maybe if we can purge our souls of this damnable yearning for deep connection.
It's possible . I felt l made a breakthrough. Dating is about really getting to know someone for who they are, and determining if you can accept them for who they are as they are right now. It's not your job to change them. Your job is to change yourself. No one else can do that for you, neither should they. In seeking love, you will face rejection, discomfort and all sorts of emotional pain, it's part of the process. If you cannot do this, you should not even be dating!
A better solution, rather than adapting unhealthy bonds around your trauma, is to heal it. There are loads of resources to name and separate our emotional responses, calm the wild reactions, offer our deep thoughts and accept reliable connections. It's not easy and takes time, but it's entirely possible to repair the deep wounds and actually build those real bonds on top.
Really wondering: how accurate can FA mindreading be if it's based on faulty data from largely non-secure relationships? e.g. I might flinch whenever someone raises a hand around me. That could be human instinct or a C-PTSD response. It doesn't mean that person is going to attack me; they could be swatting a fly, adjusting a shoulder pain, ... something that has nothing to do with me at all. 🤔
There's a lot of self back-patting going on here in comments about 'mind reading', and I get it from the perspective that we all need something to feel special about. On the other hand, reading body language in general is a fairly universal human skill, especially for anyone who prefers observation to talking. The danger here is to believe we have a perfect track record in 'just knowing' how someone feels, when in fact there's an excellent likelihood we'll interpret, say a headache-induced long blink as disgust, spiral into what feels like a life threatening internal situation, and utterly destroy a relationship based on misguided intuition. I've heard of a woman who abandoned an entire relationship mid-date after 6 months because, from another room, their S.O. set down a dish harder than she thought was normal. It sucks, but "Mind reading" is not an actual power people have. You gotta talk about stuff if you ever want to have a healthy relationship.
I think we are good at it bc we had to be. It just gets problematic because you assume you know how someone feels and then react and act a god damn fool before the person says a word. I find that I am always right about how the person feels, in the end, but I stopped having whole ass reactions before they could tell me what was happening. Stopping myself from reacting keeps things calm and creates a space for communication. It helps me stay present and not flee. My reaction goes from a level 10 to a 2. Being able have adult conversations and communicate in a non adversarial/ fight or flight manner has been great
9:40 What you described here is me to an exact degree. And sadly this was the breaking point in my last relationship. Even after she explicitly told me during previous arguments that due to her anxiety all she wanted was me to inform her that I needed alone time before I left the room. But for whatever reason I just kept taking off without telling her (for example we would both be on the couch watching TV. The show would end, then I would just sit there and watch her scroll on her phone for a while thinking she wanted time alone, so I would just get up and leave (not angrily or anything) and do my own thing. This would trigger her anxiety and she would argue with me saying that I shouldn't have just left without saying anything to her and all she ask is for me to inform her that I want space alone). For some reason I couldn't get this through my head and I continued down this path of just taking my private time without telling her and she just couldn't take it anymore. She viewed my actions as I didn't care about her and I put her in second priority. I felt smothered that I had to inform her of something so insignificant and so little. I just don't understand why I need to tell someone I'm leaving to do my own thing when I'm just going to another room and not even leaving the house. I've spoken to friends and family members who always supported me after our break up regarding this matter and all of them pretty much unanimously agreed that I was in the wrong. I am looking for solutions but don't know where to start. Any help would be appreciated.
To be honest... that seems crazy. Imagine if your boss micro-managed you like that? I could see if you were leaving the house for hours at a time. Saying it is your fault is kind of suspect. You could also be surrounded by a bunch of narcissists and boundary violators who dont see this behavior as incredibly insecure. I think the issue is that you were passive aggressive about it. The fact is that you did not want to report your status to her. You should have just told her "no" you wont do it. like it or leave it. That way she understood your boundary. Instead, you pretended like you were going to do it and then played dumb when she got upset. I'm an FA. I dated someone who constantly told me where they were going when we were in the house. It was weird as fuck. I literally had to tell them to chill and that they don't need to report their location to me 24/7. It's really difficult to find the balance between accepting someone's insecurities and issues and just letting them dump their toxic isht on to you. She was super insecure in your relationship and it's probably related to whatever trauma she has. But there is something to be said for you just being 100% and letting her know that you're not going to do what she requested
@@ineedhoez incorrect. Micro manage plz. Excuses!!! That reply was an FA justifying their actions. Its incredibly rude just getting up and leaving, but saying a word. It's called communication. If she was on her phone what he says is you are on your phone I can see you are busy I'll leave now, speak soon. You don't get up and walk out and say nothing. In her mind she will not know what is going on all she gets is silence then that triggers her anxiety. It's crazy you expect hey to know what she is doing to make you leave in silence without saying anything.
I think that if I were in your position I would simply "narrate" what I am doing or about to do to my partner. "I am going to go make lunch now", "I am going out for coffee".That way, I am still doing what I want and don't feel my freedom is restrained, but my parther also understands what is happening and their anxiety is not triggered.
Seems like a fairly SMALL act of CONSIDERATION for your partner (who you ALREADY KNOW has anxious attachment style) to simmply say, "I'm gong for walk" or "I;m gong to go on my computer". How hard can taht be? Yuo're NOT "asking her permission"--you're simply REASSURING her. Yuo cuold also see dong this as PREVENTING CONFLICT. Unless you actually LIKE seeing your partner be anxious--because that's reassuring to you.
I just realized I used to be a FA and working on becoming secure now and fell in love with another FA. It was definitely the passion and emotional depth that kept us going long distance…we would gush our emotions saying how much we love one another and wanted to marry each other, but the distance was too scary for the both of us, and sadly he who is more of a FA than I am now, started to pull away triggering my anxiety. But as a last attempt to save this for any future chance for us, I told him I would not reach out for awhile giving him some time I felt he needed from me. I told him I loved him and to take care of himself over there. Letting him know I will always love him. I hope he gathers some courage to come to me one day and start the life we spoke about creating. ❤ Thanks for this video cause we definitely had this, but it was the wrong time for now.
8:17, running away because of one thing is SO true. I found out some family stuff that doesn't even really affect me and it made me trust my aunt way less but I haven't communicated it to her.
I had never felt more seen and understood! I didnt even know that this was a thinng. I dont like committment and im indecisive. I didnt like rhe ides of commiting to a romantic partner because what if they do one thing and then im stuck?! Or i have to uproot my life and leave ?! Theres no room for grace and forgiveness. My partner even has said just because X happened doesnt mean that itll get worse and km like yes it will! And when it does im like see told u so...but its a self fulfilling prophecy....
Omg this was so spot on, and so useful. I dont think ive ever heard it described so clearly. Especially understanding why relationships without depth have always been a complete waste of time for me 😂😂 It definately limits the relationships you can have (platonic included) when these things feel necessary
My fa best friend is ghosting me for many days and then texting me out of the blue. What a vicious cycle of heartache and disconnection. I'm exhausted all over. My heart is heavy 😔💔. I don't want to do this anymore. I'm a feeling being not a push pull toy. God what do i do...
smonaful Hey just talk to her about how its making you feel. FAs are good at trying to meet the needs of others if it is defined to them. I'm an FA and Im a really great friend but one of my friends is AA and it deeply triggers my avoidant side which usually never gets activated in friendships. I feel so bad but she wants so much from me more than my other friends and I dont have that much time and I dont want to encourage it so I pull away. But I know how it feels because I had a best friend who now I realize is probably avoidant and she used to ditch me all the time and I would cut her off but then she would call me crying begging for our friendship back but still do the same thing. I just grew to accept her and realized that thats just how she is.
Talk to the person. So many times people are unhappy or displeased but nobody ever sit down and talks about what they need. It's also possible that you're just dealing with a straight-up fucking narcissist. No one is entitled to your time attention or energy. I'm NFA but I know that I can't put people through shit. My personal trauma and my crazy doesn't give me an excuse to treat people like shit
I’m here to read all the hateful comments about FA exes, to remind myself there’s no hope with my FA ex even tho I still love him so much, and to convince myself our relationship possibly could never work out.
My ex is an FA.. and he displayed a lot of these, we did a few attachment style quizzes at the start and he came out FA most of the time, and he definitely displayed these characteristics and also habits, he would think I would be able to mind read him, and he did seem to enjoy the passion and chaos which brought him closer to me ( with affection) which was so irritating to me. And depth yes he always wanted deep connection ( but so do I, think that's fairly usual) It is interesting and as a possible secure and anxious attachment.. this style of passion/chaos was not good for me. And also mind reading was a pain.
I was pretty good at understanding when to he the FA needed time alone.. body language how he spoke, even in txting, at times I didn't an he got annoyed as if I should know that at a certain time at night i shouldn't txt in a certain way ... Few displays of that. I think all attachment styles and people think others should know, including myself at times, he should have known to comfort me then, etc, although I did end up telling him twntty times. This is what I like after a fight. Or if feel blue. He never told me I had to guess or ask questions and he never knew himself.
What about FAs and adaptability/changes of plans? I’m seeing someone now who has shown up and seems pretty obviously to like me but sometimes he wants to switch things up at the last minute and it absolutely sends my spiraling. I haven’t freaked out on him but internally I’m like fuuuuuuuuuuu. I think it’s a mixture of being hypervigilant for signs of disinterest based on past flaky relationships and also having some chaotic shit in my childhood. It’s like, I wanna know what we’re doing and when we’re doing it. I also think my general anxiety makes it so that I run kind of a mental model of what’s going to happen to kind of “get in the zone” so when a plan falls through it’s like I blew all that energy for nothing and now I have to readjust and it’s like …. It takes more cognitive energy for me to do that than I think is normal. I’ve kinda wondered if I’m a little bit on the Autism spectrum for this reason. In my 20s I was a lot more “chill” and “go with the flow,” but I was totally messy and suppressing my own needs to consistency and predictability to some degree. But there’s a lot of self-blame and shame around being more “uptight” now, along with these current kind of looming cultural expectations of how everyone is supposed to be chill and laid back about dating.
I am FA. Going through issues with my AA wife atm. She had shared her sexual history with me when we first got together because she wanted me to know everything about her. She shared this in great detail. Trauma dump. Her history was extensive and included a lot of things she now has said once that she regrets and that were even dangerous. Our sexual histories are nothing a like and I am waaaaay less experienced than her. She was clingy, but I was completely closed off and didn't care. In fact, I was still closed off when we married. It wasn't until recently that I really let her in. Since then, I began to feel love and connection to her like I never have before. Well, now all that history that I have has come back. I cannot get it out of my head the images of her with all her partners. Doesn't help that I know the names of a lot of guys and can see who they are on social media. I've dealt with a lot of things regarding this. One thing I haven't dealt with though is that it FEELs like she's cheated on me. I was married before and it ended in my exwife cheating and leaving. We tried to reconcile, but she wasn't giving up the other men, just trying things again with me. This wrecked me like you couldn't believe. I was out of commission for a year and a half. The next relationship was very serious for me, but it was onesided on my side. She also ditched me, but before that I caught her arranging dates with another guy she was interested in. Felt like cheating #2. So now I'm here with the girl that I know loves me, know is 100% faithful to me, but I can't help but feel like she did the same thing. I wish she had never said anything about her past and left it there. But its all on my lap and I feel disgusted, hurt, abandoned, and betrayed. She is obviously very defensive because we weren't together during all this. She has made peace with her past so feels she owes me nothing in regards to my hurt. She didn't cheat on me, but it FEELS like it. I want her to try to make it right, and of course she refuses to. She won't grovel for me she says. I understand I am completely illogical here. But I can't help how I feel in this regard and its killing me inside. I can't stand to be with her right now because I feel hurt and abandoned. She doesn't have the same views as I do about the past. She is ok having her exes around in pictures and mentions them in convos. I can't handle that. I really don't know the next step forward for me to get mentally healthy.
I know exactly how you feel - I have a good friend who is exactly the same. Ultimately, it is not their problem to fix. If she's happy with you, look forward. There is literally nothing she could do to 'atone' for her past even if she wanted to. Think about it, what do you want her to do? What could she do to make it better? Cry? Apologize profusely? The most she could possibly do is artificially pretend, for your sake alone, that it all never happened - which is obviously not a healthy coping mechanism. The past remains exactly the same. The best you can do is recognize that her proclivity was a coping mechanism for her own trauma - recognize that it had nothing to do with you. Best case work on healing those core wounds with her. And if there's no way past it, if she can't even make a polite concession like say, not regularly bringing up a past lover in a positive light when it's just the two of you, well you just have to swallow that you can't deal with this person and have a happy life.
Whoa. Go to couples counseling for real. Also, get off social media. It really adds stress for no reason. I love the work in the PD school but sometimes issues are complex and need more support.
Don't disclose everything about you all at once. Allow the person to discover who you are over time. Be transparent about where you go and what you do. Don't make it seem like you're hiding anything. Those kinds of mysteries we do not enjoy.
I don’t want volatility, but demand engagement? Sometimes I push too hard for engagement on an important topic…never looking for argument, but I’ll admit to getting frustrated when I do not feel I am being heard or the concern taken seriously by my partner. I do expect high levels of transparency, and am willing to give that as well. When trust has been broken, it does need to be earned back; the betrayal however small needs to be understood by the offender in the context of eroding trust generally within the relationship. If you’re not actually sorry and blind to seeing how any betrayal has an effect of the rest of the relationship, why would I “roll the dice” on you again? You clearly don’t see trust the same way I do…
I'd rather just always keep people at arms length or avoid altogether the second I even get closer. It's safer. It's funny, cause I don't feel this way about my friends. Just people I have feelings for.
I love her videos they are always so insightful. And as usual, it's like she read my diary. lol I can 100% relate to what she said, now that she mentions it. And this explains a lot in my life, that I didn't know of. lol Thank you so much for making these videos. 🙂👍
*Any one else notice this* when people are in toxic relationships, it's usually toxic cuz someone in the relationship doesn't want to admit that the person they're with is in some way a reflection of the *old romance* they used to have, but lost and are only now with the person who could be "settled for" now. It makes me laugh when stuff like this shows up in suggested that relates to this mornings Tarot Reading while I'm hanging out waiting for my video to upload. cuz someone is *still dreaming of an old romance of what could've or should've been.*
Literally never happened. Unless you were talking about childhood core wounds and how they teach you to seek out certain partners. And then you repeating the same pattern
Thanks for videos. I have been suspecting this of myself. Whew...this hits so many nails on the head. I am in relationship now and if there is anything that resembles conflict I am ready to run. My expectation for the highs...phew! Atleast it explains my high anxiety in relationships.
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Anybody else find it emotionally draining - in a weirdly positive way - to watch these videos? Like, it brings up a lot of tough stuff for me, but at the same time, I almost feel like I'm being "seen" in a way that I don't often get in my daily life
Yes, 100%
Therapy makes me feel much the same.
Its emotional exercise 😅
Yes, big time. When I started wondering about my attachment style i watched the DA and AF videos and thought to myself "i find myself in these, she speaks to me" then i moved to FA videos and started crying, i never felt so understood
And there it is in a 10 minute video everything that is challenging for me about myself, and it hurts.
Yeah, I only watch 1-2 a day.
FA needs lots of passion, depth, transparency, and absolute trust in a relationship. they also very good at mind reading their partner and meet their needs, but if their partner can't do it for them it will be very painful and detrimental.
I'm dating a da and it drives me crazy!!!!!
FA "mindreading" is usually way off base. Causing themselves needless pain.
@@silvershadow7655 And of course you know this because you're so good at reading FAs minds? ;-)
I am FA leaning DA. Was seeing this DA dude at a time when I wasnt working on myself ( he drove me to actually working on myself...) . So, when we were together one on one, everything was perfect but when we were out of sight ot was out of mibd for him..... the silence, the ghosting...resurfacing when he was ready! I took that as mad disrespect and couldnt trust him for nothing. So then, I moved on, with someone else (didnt have the "moving-on conversation) cos I thought he didnt deserve it. He resurfaced again after my "moving on" .Of course I stone walled him! We are in no contact since plus we have seen each other out and totally ignored each other. I still think about him especially now that I am working on myself! I totally get that I must have triggered this guy as much as he triggered me! The moral of the story is, I think FA /DA relationships are too hard. Especially if the FA is leaning DA! One person needs to be secure or alittle bit anxious for it to work
@@kristianvrum8979 No, I know this because I'm secure dating an FA and his cognitive distortions are usually made of painful meaning he has given things, as Thais explains. It's exhausting.
An alternate perspective may be that it's not that FAs want drama and passion, but that silence is not reassuring. When things are stable and mellow, FAs at baseline, do not have the trust that things will be okay, rather they expect that things are going bad and they still need reassurance, which increases anxiety and creates drama. FAs just have a higher standard for trust. It takes a lot more work to gain an FAs trust.
Yah idk about “higher standard for trust” lol as an FA I’d agree that we have two modes: everything is amazing, everything is falling apart. when things are stable I tend to assume it’s the later. Reassurance would definitely make me feel better, yet it’s not anyone’s responsibility to continuously supply that.
After 8 years of being the most reliable person on the planet I gave up. Sometimes it really is an "issue" you yourself are creating. Not consciously, not out of ill will, but you create it nevertheless.
Correct...' that silence' is not reassuring.....
@@Selam-fr4lf I am with you on this. I guess "higher standard of trust" is my way of sugar coating "more insecure" I'm not saying it's a good thing or a bad thing. It's just a thing about FAs; an alternative perspective that may lead to a more in depth understanding and maybe even healing or resolution.
Idk about the higher standard either? I find myself feeling trusting of someone and then maybe acting in some way out if that trust and then questioning it and getting really nervous, and then if I don't have the proper support (ie: if I express the anxiety and the other person becomes defensive or closes off), that nervousness escalates. I would almost agree with the phrase "need reassurance", but what actually makes me feel reassured these days is not words, even though I try really really hard to believe what someone tells me because otherwise that cognitive distortion thing is major.
Needs in a relationship for FA
1. Passion (wanting chaos, not good long term) & depth (to feel safe)
2. Transparency 3. Absolute trust 4. Space & warmth when needed
As a Fearful Avoidant a perfect relationship for me is living separately and sleeping over sometimes. Forever
I truly love the idea of the King and Queen living in separate quarters! Lol
That’s what exactly my bf told me. I never realized that he is FA until i found this channel
Amen.
Do you think that may be a bit selfish? And to be honest if you were to work together with your partner and also work on yourself as well you might find a way to make both of you happy.
Omg true
The 'reading minds and expecting others to read mine' resonates so much. No longer assuming what others feel and expressing how I feel is so liberating.
I used to tell people..."ohh my bf and I can almost read each other's minds when we look into each other's eyes. He can read any emotion I have."
Now I know how crazy I sounded🤣
How'd you do it? Did you just practice stopping it or did you have a technique?
At some point I realised how annoying it was. I ended up asking this one guy if he was 'alright' after the slightest changes. I got annoyed with myself big time.
2:36 the intro ends
Thank you
I love how on every video someone posts the real start of the video
Thank you.
Her content is so good, but please leave the “up selling “ till after the message 🙄
Thanks
my problem with mind reading is that i rarly read wrong so it's hard for me to not rely on my instincts, i'm sure FA people will relate to this usually i ask questions i already know the answers of just to see how good i am
Exactly :) just yday I had a feeling that my DA bf was lieing and hiding something from me, and after few hours of me torturing myself, trying to find out the truth without asking him cause I knew he would lie even more, I found out that I was in fact right and that he did lie big time. Its over for me, its not worth the pain. Staying with DA for us FAs is soul crushing...
@@tequilabumbum4373 I'm sorry to hear that, my last girlfriend was DA i feel your pain, DA people are the most brutal it's like they have no empathy for you and they make you lean towards being DA as protective mechanism
I often say that we can only ask the questions for which we which we already know the answers, to an extent at least. I don't know about mind reading, but when it comes to instincts, you should never ignore them - they often represent what your emotional brain is trying to tell you, but your conscious brain can't or doesn't want to think about.
You ever find that if the other person doesn't confirm your "mind reading" verbally that you feel more suspicion that they're lying?
@@nachogoatcheese1761 yes, usually they tell you half the truth giving you only the unimportant details that's why you get even more suspicious
As a FA my idea of a perfect relationship is being in a committed rel'ship in which we both live in our own homes. Privacy and quiet is super important to me.
THIS^
@@genericbotface fffffffffff
Sounds more DA lol
@@bringpeacetoall5505 Fearful avoidants have traits of anxiously attached and DA. As a FA, I agree with this.
I’m married to a stereotypical computer geek. We come together & give each other space. I guess that’s why I don’t mind him playing his computer games. I think he’s an AP.
Wow, spot on. I crave deep, passionate, ultra-transparent relationships. I laughed when she was talking about trust. I can’t count how many times a relationship was ruined because I felt someone broke trust and I pretty much disappeared off the face of the earth because I felt that there was no fixing and I didn’t even want to try. It seemed like too much distress. It’s pretty funny how I see these patterns repeated in my past 😅 but I’m definitely working towards understanding how to have healthy relationships. Oh yeah and I’m pretty good at reading situations too haha. But I find communicating instead of always just observing/“mind reading” leads to less misunderstandings.
The irony of the FA is that we’re *better* at guessing behavior, but we completely ignore the important fact “reading between the lines” is the most INEFFICIENT way of getting to an answer. HAVE THE CONVERSATION YOU ASS (me @ me 😅)
Yes her video’s are so helpful 😅 feels good yet scary to be working on this
define trust. if they didn’t cheap on you, what else did they do to break trust. I feel like FAs have a not so viable meaning what trust really is
@@hamzahkhan4319 lol really. We got into arguments and I did something which hurted her and so she did too. But I don't know how it broke her trust if I didn't cheat, lied and belittle her behind her back
@@hamzahkhan4319 they think expectations and trust are same thing
lmao. It sounds like I’ll be single forever
Creeped out, yet relieved. Why is yt showing me what I relate to on a level that most psychologists can’t grasp, yet “coaches” get...
Thais goes way beyond psychologist or coach level. She hands down has more understanding than most on TH-cam. She gets it because she's lived it. Case in point- most others won't even acknowledge or address the existence of the FA.
@@chrissearcher3563 Yes, I get so frustrated with most attachment resources that skim over FA, or say it's too rare and doesn't need addressing. Additionally, in response to OP's question, imo, the mental health field is too focused on severe or moderate pathology to really bother with attachment styles. It's like how MDs only get like 20 hours of nutrition training, then hand out dietary advice to overweight patients that is known not to work. Highly and formally trained professionals are not a good source for solving mild problems, therefore we have a spectrum of practitioners: coaches, counselors, and then psychologists. Hope that helps!
I’ve definitely used “mind reading” to determine that someone doesn’t like me anymore when really they just needed a little space and try to distance themselves a bit. I wish I could just believe someone when they say everything is fine.
I’m learning though, I had my first relationship where I was self aware of my own tendencies and really tried to respect boundaries, believe what they told me instead of reading into it too much but also let them know how I perceive things as much as I could to help her understand me. Anyway, it didn’t last but we left on good terms and it gave me confidence I can manage myself.
you got this!
Beautiful perspective!!!
Similar story here. I realize in hindsight that while by no means perfect, I was much better at communication than she was giving me credit for, but she just really had a problem meeting me somewhere in the middle of my needs and hers.
I was having a nice weekend then you had to go and call me out, Thais 😂
we're sorry! *hugs*
-PDS team member
Honestly, I hate arguments and any volatility in a relationship. It makes me want to run away cause I feel like the relationship is ruined.
I’m the same, I relate so much to that!!. And equally I have a strong fear of feeling trapped
Holy shit. Feel so seen! That’s what it’s hard for me to bring up things when I’m trying to communicate something important. I want to be understood and heard not fight. It makes me wanna throw the thing away. Because it feels ruined! Thank you for understanding
Me too. Any volatility makes me run away, its as if an alarm goes off in my brain screaming "unsafe unsafe unsafe". Then, I regret running away after lots of time goes by and I miss the person so deeply. Deep down I just wanted to feel understood by my friend/partner/family. Looking back at my life I've ran away from so many things!!!
I love that you used the word 'ruined' that's EXACTLY it.. Like oh! guess that one's effed.... I'm out of here!
@@marianamalheiros7367 totally. It's about feeling understood even if I know I have my side where I did things wrong. Want to be seen.. and heard. and understood. I moved to Asia once after a breakup.. so.. I run too.
Last point. As an anxious avoidant who dated a secure for the first time. It felt boring. But l knew it was good for me. I've dated an anxious attachment person and a Drama Queen narcissist. I'm done with drama ok? It's a f*ing mental and emotional drain.I want stability, connection, reliability in a partnership. I feel whole. I feel after all those shitty relationships, l have learned about myself and my wounds. l am going to get the healthy, happily ever after union l deserve based on growth, mutual respect, admiration, healthy interdependence.
Amen!
Anxious avoidant you mean fearful avoidant?
Boring could mean just the wrong person.
I don't find stability in itself boring, and I've been bored in relationships that weren't super healthy or stable. I don't think boredom relates to secure attachment in itself.
I think what makes secure attachment stable is the consistency. For example, the passion is consistent, rather than run hot and cold. I think this is possible to do when passion isn't unrestrained but rather lived daily and nurtured, and trusting the next day that the relationship is where you left it the day before rather than waking up catastrophising life and thinking that the passion will crash so suddenly you have to withdraw and protect yourself.
Had I known that my only good relationship would be with that boyfriend I had from age 18-20, I would have forgiven him for the stupidity he did and stayed with him. Never in 100 years would I have thought so many people are so unstable these days. But let me tell you, that relationships was very stable, had lots of passion, and was never boring. I felt loved, secure, and I could predict that each day I woke up my partner still loved me the same.
I'm completely in love with a fearful avoidant. Your videos help me understand her better. She's my hot mess💞
I'm in the same boat as well😅🤣 but trust me once you understand that her actions are not directed towards you personally and you know how much she's struggling you lose your anxiety and anger, but be sure not to break her trust, and keep a note to yourself that even though you reached a high level of communication and understanding, sometimes it won't work at the end, I wish it works and ends great, but be accetping that it may not work and that's ok, because now you're a much better person to understand women and have less arguements in the future, wish you the best! And it's a real man who doesn't run away and is patient. Don't let people play with your head to tell you what's right and wrong. If you've made to here you are smart enough to decide better than anyone else
@@ahmadjaber3611 thanks for saying that. I hope it works out. She's wonderful
Good luck....seriously. I didn’t have the patience for anything like that last time
@@whtfolks5517 I have decided that is it is time better spent forging new relationships with another rather than trying to rekindle something that has failed. In other words, don't go digging through the garbage once you've hauled it to the curb.
@@chrishatcher9239
I agree, I’ve been there / done that. Came to realize we cannot help people like that, they can only help themselves if they want to. I’m not a repairman. Plenty of folks with normal minds out there
Wow how many FA empaths here? I've never even heard of this stuff, but this is me 😔
it's really hard sometimes. Especially when we have the ability to read others and they have no clue about us.😢 I get my feelings hurt weekly.
The comment about mind reading really got to me - took me years to realise not everyone can intuitively figure out what I need and not because they don’t care but simply because I didn’t tell them 😔
Iam fearful avoidant, empath,infj
This is sooooooo on point!!! I would also add the need for/expectation of a lot of novelty, which I know Thais has talked about in the past where FAs are concerned. As an FA myself, I think FAs often have a great need for novelty, challenge and unpredictability, yet also depth and trust and intense loyalty underneath that.
yes! novelty for sure :)
-PDS team member
Tough to balance
LITERALLY me!
For the need for novelty, I channel that through learning new skills
@@redfullmoon Yes, this rings familiar to me. Growth and dynamism are essential to keeping those feelings of stagnation and feeling suffocated from setting in. My partner and I were having that trouble for a spell, but I feel our relationship has rekindled now that the onset of a chronic illness has kickstarted her interest in philosophical expansion and personal development.
I just pushed someone away on accident again. I liked her and she liked me quite a bit not long ago. The more I tried to dig myself out, apologize and explain myself, the deeper the hole became.
Same.
same
Same.
Same. Just did this.
You didn't push her away. FA's, please take a deep breath and remember that your attachment style is contributing to these thoughts. Before you decide you've torpedo'd the relationship and retreat, understand that this is literally the F of your A, and most likely your partner does not want the relationship to end.
100% true, nailed it again!
The absolute trust one made me think of the time my ex & I were dating for like a week or something and his wallet got stolen and we spent the day looking for it instead of doing our planned program and I spiralled thinking that if he can't take care of his stuff how is he gonna take care of me? lol so overdramatic
Bahaha I’ve done this too many times to count. I too have dipped out for small things. They were too clumsy, not active enough, their taste in music, the way they laugh, a tv show they watched, the list goes on. Anything I can rationalize about how it wouldn’t work.
I hope you’ve found stability.
@Jimmy Batson lol I wasn't worried about the financial aspect of it though yeah it's funny 😂 just the fact you know that he didn't have his shit together was a red flag for me cuz I really wanted to find a red flag
@@rosterdam7198 I feel ya 😂 yepp I'm doing okay now thank you, hope you do too 💕
😳😳 omg me literally now!! In my head it just makes soo much sense and then I listen to the videos over and over again, read comments lol and finally I'm like, you are fine stop being dramatic 😂🤣
@@rosterdam7198 Reading the comments just made me feel soo much better and know that I am not crazy! Lol
"Men who understand women, do not argue with them."
- Lightning McQueen
I'm still trying to understand mine :-) I love your videos
I love reading these comments from all you other FAs out there! It's so nice to see other people with similar patterns! I've been in therapy for two years and been working towards a more secure attachment - which feels good, but the old FA triggers come up from time to time and it's so hard to sit with! I feel like it's like being a cat. Please do not suffocate me or drown me with affection, I'll push you away, but leave me for too long and I'll come miaowing for love, but only when I'm ready! Haha.
So interesting how fa wants transparency but they are so secretive and compartmentalize
that is a good way to understand how shadow personality works !
Am I the only one who came here to learn more about the person I am dating, only to realize that the Fearful Avoidant is ME?!
You're not. I just figured I am a FA, all the while I thought I was AP.. Been skipping videos about FAs coz I thought they're aren't relevant as my ex is a DA.
@@komatsu8169 me too! I thought I was anxious! Definitely FA
@@komatsu8169 Same
@@lizhutchinson6978 were you also with a DA?
That is interesting. I wonder, too. How did you notice that you are FA and not AP? Did you do a test or by which signs?
Just got broken up with by my (ex) bf who is an FA. It took me aback and his reason for the breakup is indeed that he feels our connection lacks passion and intensity, so for him, it’s not love and I must not be the one.
Another reason is that we should understand each other and align without the need for communication- which is the mind reading Thais is talking about.
I’ve tried to work it and talk it out and make him understand how this is not healthy but he’s very stubborn and not aware. Truly thinking he’s right, he ended it.
In good terms though.
But it’s so sad….. I feel like I’m way more healthy and still not able to stay in a relationship. It’s hard to not take it personally.
@@sunbeam9222 thanks for sharing your story: i do think that insecure attachments can only start the healing process once life hits them hard. I'm glad you're in a healthier place but yeah, it's the irony of it all. One of my best friends is a FA too and she has the same kind of story and realization. She knows about attachment style but she still makes the same mistakes. I hope you and me find solace in the fact we're healthier today and hope we find true secure love ;)
Volatility is not love. Yes! Exactly that.
I am a member of the school and I look forward to these daily TH-cam videos. I listen to them all the way through every time.
Thanks Sophia for your support of PDS and this channel :)
-PDS team member
Can't stop laughing at it being absolutely true. 😂
Have improved a bit, yet a long road to take to being secure. 🏇 This hypervigilance, people-pleasing and being a competition to everyone is something needed to be worked on. It's tiring and totally meaningless. 🙄
Will definitely become secure - a promise and commitment to myself. 💜
As a partner of a DA, I didn't expect for this video to teach me why my partner loves me. I do a lot of these things unconsciously, without realizing they mean they world to him.
It helps me appreciate myself
I can definitely relate to the need for depth to feel safe even outside of a relationship. At work I like to understand how the process works and really dig deep to make sense of the "why" behind what I do. I really want to make a transition since I've been in my current role for almost 8 years. I'm ready for a change but it causes me anxiety because I have to go through the process of relearning and understanding a new position. In order to grow I know I have to reprogram that fear!
The emotion will follow the motion.
I can 100% relate. I think sometimes FA's and AA's can feel anxiety in our careers as well because we can have a fear of change and the unknown which making big steps in our careers can be.
Yes!! I agree! I started my TH-cam channel and have stopped filming videos because of the fear. 😩 and trying to understand why? Trying to stary until I perfect it etc.
@@edithhsedits226 you need more feedback to keep you engaged. Feedback will take the spotlight off your own thoughts.
@@kazbaby212 So true! I would love it if Thais did a video about this as it relates to our career.
As an FA, I don't think this is fully a description of what I think of as the perfect relationship at all. Transparency is important, yes... passion, yes. Volatility, no. I don't get off on drama. I like to avoid it at all costs. That being said, I am a very passionate person. I don't expect anyone to be able to read my mind, or just "know" intuitively what I need from them. I am working on asking for what I need, and learning not to take it personally if someone isn't meeting my needs in the relationship. I do have trouble discerning when to give up on someone that I love. I tend to hold on until I have no love left in me to give. I'm not the perfect partner by any means, but I am loveable, and have many endearing qualities. I'm slow to warm up to people, though and I let very few people get close to me, so if I let you in, consider yourself one of the chosen few and don't betray my trust. You won't regret having me in your life. They never do... and almost always come back telling me they regret letting me go.
All the yes boxes were checked ✅️ while reading this! on point 🎯
Also an FA here, and I absolutely agree 100%. I don’t like volatility either, it makes me miserable. I’m a high functioning FA leaning AA, though, so perhaps that’s why I don’t like volatility.
Agree with all that you said except the drama part lol! Maybe this is where the nuance of humans comes in. Im highly confrontational and I suppose combative. Because it was always like that with my alcoholic farher and I felt a need to protect my older brother and defend my mother or help since she didnt know english. That being said, id say the same thing you said...i dont LIKE drama but I subconsciously look for it and pick at things, or my intense feelings make mountains out of moleholes and i just HAVE to get it out. Maybe OCD/ADHD tendencies...not sure. But theres nothing more than I want to feel safe and stable. I want the argument but on my terms and for it to end when my episode has subsided (which is not healthy). Or the drama has happened and my partner has pulled away and noe im pining for closeness and apologetic. Its a constant push and pull. This whole comment is probably chaotic but that is how I truly feel. I dont want it but I subconsciously create it because that is what I know how to navigate or how to release my frustrations easily. But once it happens. Im dying and no thanks lol. Im in therapy working because I want to feel peace ❤ blessings to you!
I'm definitely a Fearful Avoidant. We are good with our instincts and reading people. I'm also passive-aggressive, I don't know if that something other FAs have.
Yes very much relate. I have a hard time expressing my needs and desires… So instead I just sulk
True that. Because deep down I know, I am not going to get the response I need from my partner and it is better to repress than to express and get annoyed 🥴
My boyfriend.. and VERY petty
The need for transparency and those "white lies" check me out every time 😖
Amen!
I mean if you feel the need to lie about something small, you’ll definitely lie about something big! That’s the way my mind works lol.
Exactly... my ex FA wanted me to be transparent & I was... only to find out from an outside source that he was married & had a 7 months pregnant wife; on top of that he had an insta account with 3000+ girls that I guess must be the exes who are friends zoned now... i just wanted to lessen his burden so I minus myself from his list 😂
@@aroojaziz I'm sorry you had to experience that but glad you're out and living your life💖
@@Jasyc207 yes dear definitely
Headcount call for FAs that lean Anxious that are also INFJs! I’m big on patterns.
Fa leaning anxious moving towards security with therapy healing and also an Infj like Thais Gibson.
As an FA, I just ask that the individual don't stay silent if there are concerns.
God I thought I was Anxiously attached but all of the attributes of a FA described me perfectly. Something else I do which fits in to studying people/reading people so well is I ask a ton of questions to get to know someone better and what makes them tick, what triggers them, etc. I’m basically researching them so I can read them better when I need to.
YES!!
I do that too !! I'm a FA and I triggered another FA by asking questions before..
This sounds like a lose/lose. Damned if you do, damned if you don’t. You can’t win. Beyond difficult, it seems impossible to ever really connect and remain with someone like this. How can you?
Someone please tell me otherwise and explain if I’m missing how to open the door of someone’s heart in this situation...and keep it ajar long enough to have a sustained loving relationship. I genuinely want to understand how you can ever breakthrough with these FA attachment types. It seems so unhealthy to be on the receiving end of this and attempting to remain with them. It feels toxic and like you will lose yourself in the end if you try to stick it out. Can they ever settle down and have a long term committed relationship? Be happily married?
It actually sounds a lot like Borderline traits too, no? The idealization phase in the beginning (which comes from intuitive “mind reading”). The dramatic emotional outbursts and wanting to “fight” (disregulated emotions). Wanting to be loved more than anything else but so afraid of it. Always needing more affirmation but too much and they are overwhelmed, fear of abandonment/engulfment. Then the eventual discard phase when they sense you are finally overwhelmed with giving giving giving into all their helplessness/neediness and all your patience has worn thin, and need a break for a day or two... and then possible hoovering you back in shortly thereafter. The cycle repeats... ♾ Never too close, never too far away. A yo-yo/ping-pong love.
Agree ... also brings to mind NPD ... all the cluster B personalities actually.
@@amycarroll5659 Yes!
I’m definitely an FA and only now realize how awful it was date me. Being self aware is really powerful, I think I can make something work now.
Omg yes I have just gone thru all of this with a guy . I was an amazing women to him so patient. I said to him it was like trying to get to the Castle in the labyrinth , & the evil goblins turning the pavement over from my marks to help me see my way. He eventually ghosted on me . Everything he said he wasn’t he seemed he was . He’s not a bad person just a very troubled individual that’s never worked on his traumas
Are you kidding? I am an evolved FA (INFP) I would date myself in a heartbeat. I make an incredible partner. I know this. I also really worked on myself. I have very good EQ. The worst attachment to date is hands down the DA.
This channel has truly changed my life and my relationships. Thank you for offering such great content! I've also been recommending it to everyone I care about :)
you are so welcome Sara and thank you for recommending us to people! We love having you here
-PDS team member
Me 2!! Lol
Holy moly I don't think anyone's ever understood this part of me so well before
This video is accurate to the T!
Its almost scary 😅 i wasn’t expecting to be read like this
Is me!!! Wow thanks for the shoutout! But even more so, thank you for putting up all this content. I've been on the personal growth journey for quite a while, and have always found a vagueness to a lot of content out there, but so many more aha moments and clarity in your work. Like instead of the usual, just love yourself, you give concrete steps on how to actually take care of our personal needs, and what it looks like when we don't. Or certain behavioural traits that actually stem from being emotional crutches, and how to have healthier responses and conversations.
I'm a fearful avoidant and I'm really glad I found this channel at this time in my life. I'm going through something with another fearful avoidant that I really care about. I could use all the guidance I can get!
I question the use of the term "mind reading" , especially how much it is repeated here as an undesirable thing. I think we need to talk/hear about what attunement is as compared to so called "mind reading". It is not a bad thing to seek attunement with a partner, and to want a partner to be attuned to you as you are to them. If a partner (most likely a DA) is making little to no attempt to be attuned to you that is just as detrimental as an FA's or AP's supposed wish for "mind reading".
My husband can anticipate my needs. It scares me but makes me feel so secure. Thank you for helping me understand why that is.
I never realized the connection between depth and survial. That's huge for me as an FA. Also the part about "mind reading" is so spot on, and the fact that I expect it because I figured it out. It sounds strange maybe, but that's also why I used to get mad in drive thru's, because I worked in one for a while and got really good at it. So I expected everyone to be good at it.
I'm so grateful to have found this channel, just as my FA partner and I recently decided we must either break-up or fix our communication which has completely imploded. I've only been watching the videos since yesterday and it feels like someone's handed me a GPS device and torch after years of being totally lost in the woods in total darkness! :)
As an AP who has done a lot of therapy (but never around attachment styles), I was using the times he needed space to practise my self-regulation and other skills I'd learned in DBT and learn to work through my abandonment issues. But even so I was starting really worry that my FA may be a vulnerable narcissist, although I've been around true narcissists and he just didn't quite match the traits. The dramas were really unsettling for me though. Having watched these videos, his behaviours makes SO much sense. Unfortunately he is BIG on drama, and for me the verbal lash-outs were too much for me to feel psychologically safe to stay. I'm recovered from BPD and worked very very hard for that, and want psychologically safe relationships. It felt like we both feeling unseen, and were triggering each other, and now I see why.
There's also the times he'd tell me to leave, then come back crying and terrified that I actually was going to leave. You FAs are confusing folk, lol! He still doesn't want to actually end it, yet for months he'd been doing everything to make it so unpleasant that I will be the one to dump him. Is this also a thing that FAs do? Not want to be a dumper?
Yea the FA will try to antagonize the AP so that the AP is forced to dump the FA. The FA truly broke up with the AP despite appearances
Being a FA is not a place I want to stay. It's exhausting. The only thing I like about it is being able to feel the room and meet people and get vibes off people. The rest I would like to change to Secure attachment.
I’m mostly secure with a small percent of fearful avoidant and dismissive avoidant. I’m usually able to talk myself off the ledge.
I fear that I have felt entitled to indulge my yearning for deep connection by entangling myself with others, fawning when I'm afraid that things aren't good between us because she's not smiling - even paradoxically not being willing to confront the reality of what she thinks and feels because it destroys the illusion of a Soul Mate bond that I wanted. Shame on me if I keep on making that mistake.
Maybe people like us don't need "relationships." We need to learn to form alliances: based on mutual respect, which includes knowing when to mind your own business and not snoop into someone else's soul.
What do you think of this? Fearful Avoidance is the attempt to move from Anxious Attachment to Dismissive Avoidant, but not quite there yet. It's a wretched no-man's land of not having enough strength to truly be indifferent to what other people think about you. Will we ever achieve that beautiful armored self-sufficient serenity? Maybe if we can purge our souls of this damnable yearning for deep connection.
It's possible . I felt l made a breakthrough. Dating is about really getting to know someone for who they are, and determining if you can accept them for who they are as they are right now. It's not your job to change them. Your job is to change yourself. No one else can do that for you, neither should they. In seeking love, you will face rejection, discomfort and all sorts of emotional pain, it's part of the process. If you cannot do this, you should not even be dating!
The man I was dating is like this. I have sympathy for him and I do like him.
A better solution, rather than adapting unhealthy bonds around your trauma, is to heal it. There are loads of resources to name and separate our emotional responses, calm the wild reactions, offer our deep thoughts and accept reliable connections. It's not easy and takes time, but it's entirely possible to repair the deep wounds and actually build those real bonds on top.
Really wondering: how accurate can FA mindreading be if it's based on faulty data from largely non-secure relationships? e.g. I might flinch whenever someone raises a hand around me. That could be human instinct or a C-PTSD response. It doesn't mean that person is going to attack me; they could be swatting a fly, adjusting a shoulder pain, ... something that has nothing to do with me at all. 🤔
There's a lot of self back-patting going on here in comments about 'mind reading', and I get it from the perspective that we all need something to feel special about. On the other hand, reading body language in general is a fairly universal human skill, especially for anyone who prefers observation to talking. The danger here is to believe we have a perfect track record in 'just knowing' how someone feels, when in fact there's an excellent likelihood we'll interpret, say a headache-induced long blink as disgust, spiral into what feels like a life threatening internal situation, and utterly destroy a relationship based on misguided intuition. I've heard of a woman who abandoned an entire relationship mid-date after 6 months because, from another room, their S.O. set down a dish harder than she thought was normal. It sucks, but "Mind reading" is not an actual power people have. You gotta talk about stuff if you ever want to have a healthy relationship.
I think we are good at it bc we had to be. It just gets problematic because you assume you know how someone feels and then react and act a god damn fool before the person says a word. I find that I am always right about how the person feels, in the end, but I stopped having whole ass reactions before they could tell me what was happening. Stopping myself from reacting keeps things calm and creates a space for communication. It helps me stay present and not flee. My reaction goes from a level 10 to a 2. Being able have adult conversations and communicate in a non adversarial/ fight or flight manner has been great
TRUST!!! Do not ever break it. Ever.
9:40 What you described here is me to an exact degree. And sadly this was the breaking point in my last relationship. Even after she explicitly told me during previous arguments that due to her anxiety all she wanted was me to inform her that I needed alone time before I left the room. But for whatever reason I just kept taking off without telling her (for example we would both be on the couch watching TV. The show would end, then I would just sit there and watch her scroll on her phone for a while thinking she wanted time alone, so I would just get up and leave (not angrily or anything) and do my own thing. This would trigger her anxiety and she would argue with me saying that I shouldn't have just left without saying anything to her and all she ask is for me to inform her that I want space alone). For some reason I couldn't get this through my head and I continued down this path of just taking my private time without telling her and she just couldn't take it anymore. She viewed my actions as I didn't care about her and I put her in second priority. I felt smothered that I had to inform her of something so insignificant and so little. I just don't understand why I need to tell someone I'm leaving to do my own thing when I'm just going to another room and not even leaving the house. I've spoken to friends and family members who always supported me after our break up regarding this matter and all of them pretty much unanimously agreed that I was in the wrong. I am looking for solutions but don't know where to start. Any help would be appreciated.
To be honest... that seems crazy. Imagine if your boss micro-managed you like that? I could see if you were leaving the house for hours at a time.
Saying it is your fault is kind of suspect. You could also be surrounded by a bunch of narcissists and boundary violators who dont see this behavior as incredibly insecure. I think the issue is that you were passive aggressive about it. The fact is that you did not want to report your status to her. You should have just told her "no" you wont do it. like it or leave it. That way she understood your boundary. Instead, you pretended like you were going to do it and then played dumb when she got upset.
I'm an FA. I dated someone who constantly told me where they were going when we were in the house. It was weird as fuck. I literally had to tell them to chill and that they don't need to report their location to me 24/7.
It's really difficult to find the balance between accepting someone's insecurities and issues and just letting them dump their toxic isht on to you. She was super insecure in your relationship and it's probably related to whatever trauma she has. But there is something to be said for you just being 100% and letting her know that you're not going to do what she requested
@@ineedhoez incorrect. Micro manage plz. Excuses!!! That reply was an FA justifying their actions. Its incredibly rude just getting up and leaving, but saying a word. It's called communication. If she was on her phone what he says is you are on your phone I can see you are busy I'll leave now, speak soon. You don't get up and walk out and say nothing. In her mind she will not know what is going on all she gets is silence then that triggers her anxiety. It's crazy you expect hey to know what she is doing to make you leave in silence without saying anything.
I think that if I were in your position I would simply "narrate" what I am doing or about to do to my partner. "I am going to go make lunch now", "I am going out for coffee".That way, I am still doing what I want and don't feel my freedom is restrained, but my parther also understands what is happening and their anxiety is not triggered.
That's crazy, I can't imagine living with someone who's standing on my neck like that for going to a DIFFERENT room.
Seems like a fairly SMALL act of CONSIDERATION for your partner (who you ALREADY KNOW has anxious attachment style) to simmply say, "I'm gong for walk" or "I;m gong to go on my computer". How hard can taht be? Yuo're NOT "asking her permission"--you're simply REASSURING her. Yuo cuold also see dong this as PREVENTING CONFLICT. Unless you actually LIKE seeing your partner be anxious--because that's reassuring to you.
I just realized I used to be a FA and working on becoming secure now and fell in love with another FA.
It was definitely the passion and emotional depth that kept us going long distance…we would gush our emotions saying how much we love one another and wanted to marry each other, but the distance was too scary for the both of us, and sadly he who is more of a FA than I am now, started to pull away triggering my anxiety.
But as a last attempt to save this for any future chance for us, I told him I would not reach out for awhile giving him some time I felt he needed from me.
I told him I loved him and to take care of himself over there. Letting him know I will always love him. I hope he gathers some courage to come to me one day and start the life we spoke about creating. ❤
Thanks for this video cause we definitely had this, but it was the wrong time for now.
Meanwhile the DA has almost the opposite idea of what constitutes a good relationship 😟
Exactly why me and the DA have so many issues, hahah.
Content starts at 2:32
Wowwww. Thank you…. This is absolute gold as a secure attachment type dating an FA.
Gold. Brilliant.
i count my stars every day for being secure
8:17, running away because of one thing is SO true. I found out some family stuff that doesn't even really affect me and it made me trust my aunt way less but I haven't communicated it to her.
I had never felt more seen and understood! I didnt even know that this was a thinng. I dont like committment and im indecisive. I didnt like rhe ides of commiting to a romantic partner because what if they do one thing and then im stuck?! Or i have to uproot my life and leave ?! Theres no room for grace and forgiveness. My partner even has said just because X happened doesnt mean that itll get worse and km like yes it will! And when it does im like see told u so...but its a self fulfilling prophecy....
My perfect relationship is I'm in control and everything is perfect 100% of the time bc I can't cope with any disappointment at all
Thank you so much for this!! I am trying to learn more about myself and move towards secure.
Also you’re absolutely stunning.
Omg this was so spot on, and so useful. I dont think ive ever heard it described so clearly. Especially understanding why relationships without depth have always been a complete waste of time for me 😂😂 It definately limits the relationships you can have (platonic included) when these things feel necessary
you described me perfectly. wow. I got some things to work on as a FA
My fa best friend is ghosting me for many days and then texting me out of the blue. What a vicious cycle of heartache and disconnection. I'm exhausted all over. My heart is heavy 😔💔. I don't want to do this anymore. I'm a feeling being not a push pull toy. God what do i do...
@ShadowMoses 002 now this is the behaviour of my ex DA
smonaful Hey just talk to her about how its making you feel. FAs are good at trying to meet the needs of others if it is defined to them. I'm an FA and Im a really great friend but one of my friends is AA and it deeply triggers my avoidant side which usually never gets activated in friendships. I feel so bad but she wants so much from me more than my other friends and I dont have that much time and I dont want to encourage it so I pull away. But I know how it feels because I had a best friend who now I realize is probably avoidant and she used to ditch me all the time and I would cut her off but then she would call me crying begging for our friendship back but still do the same thing. I just grew to accept her and realized that thats just how she is.
Talk to the person. So many times people are unhappy or displeased but nobody ever sit down and talks about what they need. It's also possible that you're just dealing with a straight-up fucking narcissist. No one is entitled to your time attention or energy. I'm NFA but I know that I can't put people through shit. My personal trauma and my crazy doesn't give me an excuse to treat people like shit
Perfect and spot on, as usual.
I’m here to read all the hateful comments about FA exes, to remind myself there’s no hope with my FA ex even tho I still love him so much, and to convince myself our relationship possibly could never work out.
Yeah but it's only works if the FA communicate their needs
I can't express enough how amazing your content is
My ex is an FA.. and he displayed a lot of these, we did a few attachment style quizzes at the start and he came out FA most of the time, and he definitely displayed these characteristics and also habits, he would think I would be able to mind read him, and he did seem to enjoy the passion and chaos which brought him closer to me ( with affection) which was so irritating to me. And depth yes he always wanted deep connection ( but so do I, think that's fairly usual)
It is interesting and as a possible secure and anxious attachment.. this style of passion/chaos was not good for me. And also mind reading was a pain.
I was pretty good at understanding when to he the FA needed time alone.. body language how he spoke, even in txting, at times I didn't an he got annoyed as if I should know that at a certain time at night i shouldn't txt in a certain way ... Few displays of that. I think all attachment styles and people think others should know, including myself at times, he should have known to comfort me then, etc, although I did end up telling him twntty times. This is what I like after a fight. Or if feel blue. He never told me I had to guess or ask questions and he never knew himself.
Your voice is so much like Kristen Schaal's it's mind blowing.
What about FAs and adaptability/changes of plans? I’m seeing someone now who has shown up and seems pretty obviously to like me but sometimes he wants to switch things up at the last minute and it absolutely sends my spiraling. I haven’t freaked out on him but internally I’m like fuuuuuuuuuuu. I think it’s a mixture of being hypervigilant for signs of disinterest based on past flaky relationships and also having some chaotic shit in my childhood. It’s like, I wanna know what we’re doing and when we’re doing it. I also think my general anxiety makes it so that I run kind of a mental model of what’s going to happen to kind of “get in the zone” so when a plan falls through it’s like I blew all that energy for nothing and now I have to readjust and it’s like …. It takes more cognitive energy for me to do that than I think is normal. I’ve kinda wondered if I’m a little bit on the Autism spectrum for this reason. In my 20s I was a lot more “chill” and “go with the flow,” but I was totally messy and suppressing my own needs to consistency and predictability to some degree. But there’s a lot of self-blame and shame around being more “uptight” now, along with these current kind of looming cultural expectations of how everyone is supposed to be chill and laid back about dating.
Just tell him and let it be what it will be. Show him your crazy up front
I am FA. Going through issues with my AA wife atm. She had shared her sexual history with me when we first got together because she wanted me to know everything about her. She shared this in great detail. Trauma dump. Her history was extensive and included a lot of things she now has said once that she regrets and that were even dangerous. Our sexual histories are nothing a like and I am waaaaay less experienced than her.
She was clingy, but I was completely closed off and didn't care. In fact, I was still closed off when we married. It wasn't until recently that I really let her in. Since then, I began to feel love and connection to her like I never have before. Well, now all that history that I have has come back. I cannot get it out of my head the images of her with all her partners. Doesn't help that I know the names of a lot of guys and can see who they are on social media.
I've dealt with a lot of things regarding this. One thing I haven't dealt with though is that it FEELs like she's cheated on me. I was married before and it ended in my exwife cheating and leaving. We tried to reconcile, but she wasn't giving up the other men, just trying things again with me. This wrecked me like you couldn't believe. I was out of commission for a year and a half. The next relationship was very serious for me, but it was onesided on my side. She also ditched me, but before that I caught her arranging dates with another guy she was interested in. Felt like cheating #2.
So now I'm here with the girl that I know loves me, know is 100% faithful to me, but I can't help but feel like she did the same thing. I wish she had never said anything about her past and left it there. But its all on my lap and I feel disgusted, hurt, abandoned, and betrayed. She is obviously very defensive because we weren't together during all this. She has made peace with her past so feels she owes me nothing in regards to my hurt. She didn't cheat on me, but it FEELS like it. I want her to try to make it right, and of course she refuses to. She won't grovel for me she says.
I understand I am completely illogical here. But I can't help how I feel in this regard and its killing me inside. I can't stand to be with her right now because I feel hurt and abandoned. She doesn't have the same views as I do about the past. She is ok having her exes around in pictures and mentions them in convos. I can't handle that. I really don't know the next step forward for me to get mentally healthy.
How much do you know about why you feel that way?
@@NathanaelNaused found out I have BPD
I know exactly how you feel - I have a good friend who is exactly the same. Ultimately, it is not their problem to fix. If she's happy with you, look forward. There is literally nothing she could do to 'atone' for her past even if she wanted to. Think about it, what do you want her to do? What could she do to make it better? Cry? Apologize profusely? The most she could possibly do is artificially pretend, for your sake alone, that it all never happened - which is obviously not a healthy coping mechanism. The past remains exactly the same. The best you can do is recognize that her proclivity was a coping mechanism for her own trauma - recognize that it had nothing to do with you. Best case work on healing those core wounds with her. And if there's no way past it, if she can't even make a polite concession like say, not regularly bringing up a past lover in a positive light when it's just the two of you, well you just have to swallow that you can't deal with this person and have a happy life.
Whoa. Go to couples counseling for real. Also, get off social media. It really adds stress for no reason.
I love the work in the PD school but sometimes issues are complex and need more support.
That's just typical man jealousy. That's why women aren't supposed to talk about their pasts with you.
So much makes sense now, thank you!
2:36 until the topic starts
Absolutely great job Thais. I enjoy all your content and get so much value from you
Got a question. My understanding is FAs like some mystery. How can you be mysterious and transparent at the same time?
I dont want mystery, but i do want excitment !
Don't disclose everything about you all at once. Allow the person to discover who you are over time. Be transparent about where you go and what you do. Don't make it seem like you're hiding anything. Those kinds of mysteries we do not enjoy.
I don’t want volatility, but demand engagement? Sometimes I push too hard for engagement on an important topic…never looking for argument, but I’ll admit to getting frustrated when I do not feel I am being heard or the concern taken seriously by my partner. I do expect high levels of transparency, and am willing to give that as well. When trust has been broken, it does need to be earned back; the betrayal however small needs to be understood by the offender in the context of eroding trust generally within the relationship. If you’re not actually sorry and blind to seeing how any betrayal has an effect of the rest of the relationship, why would I “roll the dice” on you again? You clearly don’t see trust the same way I do…
All of this, spot on. xD
I'd rather just always keep people at arms length or avoid altogether the second I even get closer. It's safer. It's funny, cause I don't feel this way about my friends. Just people I have feelings for.
Fighting bums me out.
I love her videos they are always so insightful. And as usual, it's like she read my diary. lol I can 100% relate to what she said, now that she mentions it. And this explains a lot in my life, that I didn't know of. lol Thank you so much for making these videos. 🙂👍
Great video full of value thank you 🙏
Nailed it! Again! 😄
Sounds like having a relationship with a FA is too much work….
Thank you for this!!
Starts at 2:36
*Any one else notice this* when people are in toxic relationships, it's usually toxic cuz someone in the relationship doesn't want to admit that the person they're with is in some way a reflection of the *old romance* they used to have, but lost and are only now with the person who could be "settled for" now.
It makes me laugh when stuff like this shows up in suggested that relates to this mornings Tarot Reading while I'm hanging out waiting for my video to upload. cuz someone is *still dreaming of an old romance of what could've or should've been.*
Interesting…
Literally never happened. Unless you were talking about childhood core wounds and how they teach you to seek out certain partners. And then you repeating the same pattern
I love your videos so much, thank you for making FA content.
It is very frustrating when you have a lot of preliminary chatter instead of getting to the point. You should intersperse the info as you go along.
Thais mentioned there being a video in this series for the secure vision of a perfect relationship. I can't find it. Can you help me locate it?
Thanks for videos. I have been suspecting this of myself. Whew...this hits so many nails on the head. I am in relationship now and if there is anything that resembles conflict I am ready to run. My expectation for the highs...phew! Atleast it explains my high anxiety in relationships.
Your videos are so helpful and wonderful. ✨💗
Yes! this is all SO helpful. Thank you
boy, the unaware, unhealed FA sounds like a disaster to be in a relationship with. But we already knew that.
Wow, this is so accurate.
Thank you Thais 😊👏🏼❤️
For all the FAs- if the right person came along, do you ever see yourself living with them?
Volatility is my Achilles heel. I have been attracted to terribly disfunctional people as a result...
5:50 yes I know that pressure