1. don't notice when someone is anxious about them 2. don't notice when they are unsafe 3. feel unseen/ unheard/ get their feelings ignored 4. someone shaming them
I get what you’re saying about how AAs and DAs should take on the other’s habits. As an AA I struggle feeling like I can trust and I struggle when a partner is distant and doesn’t give me affection or talk to me daily, while DAs hate this. DAs should learn to be more affectionate and lower their walls and also learn to be less quick to just leave, while AAs like me need to develop our self esteem and focus on out hobbies and not worry about their partner while engaged in hobbies.
ive made great progress with the DA woman im dating. i am AA and she is DA, and the habits thing is nice, but its not as simple as that. for example, my DA has a hard time expressing affection trough touch or words , but she is ok with acts of service. so I have been suggesting things she can do for me that I have made clear that i like, like cooking. so now she likes to cook for me, and in that way, she is telling me she cares for me. and she is happy, and me as an AA am also happy because i can recognize her feelings in that way.. on the flip side, I have learned to stop wanting to chat her up all the time, and instead give her space, ive learned to temper my anxiety for constant talking, and understand that she doesnt have the energy for that. its not that she suddenly hates me lol, its just that she is perfectly fine going a few days w/o texting. i think the two styles "can" take on each others habits, but you can filter them trough the love languages.
Another gem of content...I'm literally seeing all the things I missed/ignored in my last relationship as an FA/DA. Thank you for these daily videos, love watching when I wake up💜💜💜
Wow, that's ALL the red flags I ignored in my 6 year relationship with an AP individual. When I started to heal, feel, and express I found they saw me as threatening and would lash out. They also never respected my requests for time to self soothe so I could "lean-in". It was becoming extremely volatile, glad to be out of it and doing the healing work
lol! ya right! DAs make secure people volatile. Tons of therapists confirm that DAs are the most unsuitable for relationships BUT if you recognize you are a DA then that is huge. Good for you for doing the work.
@@evas6052 Yea DA's don't realize when you withdraw and treat loved ones poorly, it makes every attachment style anxious and eventually leave the relationship.
Wow...I thought I was a fearful avoidant but I am a dismissive avoidant...I saw all the redflags in my previous relationships during this video. Thank you!!!
I heard some folks call that inability is a broken picker!! I think i might have had the alarm ringing incessantly as a kid, i found a ladder and pulled out the whole "battery pack"! When your in real danger your Cortisol levels go up to get your body keyed up with adrenaline to run,- its supposed to slow down after an event. Anxiety is when it gets activated and wont shut off after. Having Cortisol on all the time( flight/ fight) is exhausting.. The problem is later is that it wont shut off like its supposed to Like a car alarm that beeps for nothing..its a glitch that needs to be corrected.
Well in terms of romantic relationship I think being seen means being noticed,appreciate,loved,not being in the other side of the spectrum,like being ignored at all,ghosted,avoid,I'm introvert so not comfortable at being seen most of the time,but feels good when your significant other communicate to you openly about his/her feelings specially love,a perspective from some with a little bit of DA attachment that moves to secure attachment
@@electricfishfan yes , totally, when DAs reach a certain level of self awareness, they start getting rid of those fake friendships and only keep the ones where the other person actually takes the time to "see" them, and relationship-wise, its obviously a dealbreaker
My parents did that (they divorced). I would assume it's because the DA is right in the middle of their 'this is the one' fantasy. Subconsciously they might also do it to 'bag' the object of their desire before their deactivating behaviours kick in.
it means that you dont believe that your ideas or self narrative is important at all. a anxious person wont be able to keep a diary for example, because they dont feel that anybody cares about their life, including themselves.
Hey! Thanks for all of these informative and eye open videos. Also, I wonder why does our attchment style affects our love language. Even more, as we change our attachment style for example a DA to a more secure, can we change our love language? It is harmful to have a low physical love language?
DA's are broken up sub-types, there is a video on that from this channel, look it up. also FAs are a mix of DAs and AAs. so theres also that. in the end, these things are just tools for people to sort themselves out. each person is unique and has to find their own way in life.
First consider if you really want someone back in your life who disapeared from your life for months. Asses your needs, express them in a non violent way, see where he is at. Be aware he might leave again. Are you both aligned to each other needs? I would first ask the person what happened and why they left in the first place. Ask what her intentions are and see if we can fill each other’s needs. This requires lot of courrage from both,
Thais always says that a DAs is conflicted between their fear of love and their need of it. so the fact that, that person came back means that their need was higher than their fear at that point. so they do have feelings for you, but they are often overwhelmed by their instinct to run away. and then theres the whole gender normative type stuff that adds another layer of BS. so i would say: if that person is unlikely to do the work and it means you have to do most of it, is that ok with you? or do you think that person is the type who can figure out that stuff on their own.
I would say something like this: "I get a bit anxious when I don't hear from you for longer periods. What can U suggest for me not to get into anxious mode? So the answer is coming from DA and thus he won't feel that "he is being told" Hopefully, he won't dismiss it and say " figure it out yourself"😕
Disappointing to see the current trend of videos @Personal Development School. They have become shorter and less focussed, so thats a double whammy! First 1:00 is the same advertisement of your coupon code, and then till 3:30 you're talking about DA and AA dynamic. Start talking about the RED FLAGS ALREADY man! There isnt much content here anyway, so dont know if this deserves a video.
That is because yes being unseen, unheard and misunderstood is a core wound for them but it is also a subconscious comfort zone where they felt the exactly the same way in childhood. This is just like how AAs might be desensitised to being dismissed as even though it is a core wound for them it is also a subconscious comfort zone.
@@pinkette yes the gravitate towards it because according to the subconscious mind whatever is familiar is safe even though it might not be the best option.
1. don't notice when someone is anxious about them
2. don't notice when they are unsafe
3. feel unseen/ unheard/ get their feelings ignored
4. someone shaming them
I get what you’re saying about how AAs and DAs should take on the other’s habits. As an AA I struggle feeling like I can trust and I struggle when a partner is distant and doesn’t give me affection or talk to me daily, while DAs hate this. DAs should learn to be more affectionate and lower their walls and also learn to be less quick to just leave, while AAs like me need to develop our self esteem and focus on out hobbies and not worry about their partner while engaged in hobbies.
ive made great progress with the DA woman im dating. i am AA and she is DA, and the habits thing is nice, but its not as simple as that.
for example, my DA has a hard time expressing affection trough touch or words , but she is ok with acts of service. so I have been suggesting things she can do for me that I have made clear that i like, like cooking. so now she likes to cook for me, and in that way, she is telling me she cares for me. and she is happy, and me as an AA am also happy because i can recognize her feelings in that way..
on the flip side, I have learned to stop wanting to chat her up all the time, and instead give her space, ive learned to temper my anxiety for constant talking, and understand that she doesnt have the energy for that. its not that she suddenly hates me lol, its just that she is perfectly fine going a few days w/o texting.
i think the two styles "can" take on each others habits, but you can filter them trough the love languages.
Well well well, guess who missed all of those red flags 🚩in their past relationship? This dismissive avoidant!
Thanks for this great content, and for never missing a day!
Another gem of content...I'm literally seeing all the things I missed/ignored in my last relationship as an FA/DA. Thank you for these daily videos, love watching when I wake up💜💜💜
and we love having you here J C. Thanks always for the support :)
-PDS team member
Wow, that's ALL the red flags I ignored in my 6 year relationship with an AP individual. When I started to heal, feel, and express I found they saw me as threatening and would lash out. They also never respected my requests for time to self soothe so I could "lean-in". It was becoming extremely volatile, glad to be out of it and doing the healing work
Happy you are doing the healing work as well :)
-PDS team member
lol! ya right! DAs make secure people volatile. Tons of therapists confirm that DAs are the most unsuitable for relationships BUT if you recognize you are a DA then that is huge. Good for you for doing the work.
@@evas6052 Yea DA's don't realize when you withdraw and treat loved ones poorly, it makes every attachment style anxious and eventually leave the relationship.
@@austinnguyen9107 1000%
That's me now an Anxious Secure, thanks to DAs disappearances 🙄
exactly :)
Wow...I thought I was a fearful avoidant but I am a dismissive avoidant...I saw all the redflags in my previous relationships during this video. Thank you!!!
Glad you got some clarity and insight :)
-PDS team member
I heard some folks call that inability is
a broken picker!!
I think i might have had the alarm ringing incessantly as a kid, i found a ladder and pulled out the whole "battery pack"!
When your in real danger your Cortisol levels go up to get your body keyed up with adrenaline to run,- its supposed to slow down after an event. Anxiety is when it gets activated and wont shut off after.
Having Cortisol on all the time( flight/ fight) is exhausting..
The problem is later is that it wont shut off like its supposed to
Like a car alarm that beeps for nothing..its a glitch that needs to be corrected.
Damn I went hard on a DA. I'm a FA by the way. It's so odd. Like why were they so closed off. Bother me so much
Your makeup looks gorgeous!!!
Interesting..I know most times I'm used to people's bs so I overlook when people are being shady and messy until after the fact.
As a DA I’ve never understood what is meant by “being seen”. Why do people want to be seen? What does that even mean?
Well in terms of romantic relationship I think being seen means being noticed,appreciate,loved,not being in the other side of the spectrum,like being ignored at all,ghosted,avoid,I'm introvert so not comfortable at being seen most of the time,but feels good when your significant other communicate to you openly about his/her feelings specially love,a perspective from some with a little bit of DA attachment that moves to secure attachment
@@electricfishfan yes , totally, when DAs reach a certain level of self awareness, they start getting rid of those fake friendships and only keep the ones where the other person actually takes the time to "see" them,
and relationship-wise, its obviously a dealbreaker
I think been seen means - being accepted and respected for the way you are.
Te biggest red flag that DA ignores is the one that DA carries.
Hahaha, this is the best comment!
Most of the DAs I know all get married fast or move in with their partners with rapid speed, why is that?
it probably seems fast to you, but a DA will only commit to a partner after a long time of making sure they wont be hurt
@@sergeigen1 not the DAs I know. All 3 of the DAs I know got married to people they have known for less than 6 months
I would say because they like/crave the stability stage and sometimes from the honeymoon lens don't really understand or predict the power struggle
My parents did that (they divorced). I would assume it's because the DA is right in the middle of their 'this is the one' fantasy. Subconsciously they might also do it to 'bag' the object of their desire before their deactivating behaviours kick in.
Yes I’m primarily FA think my ex was DA he wanted to move in around 5-6 months
Many thanks Thais, for another great video. Do you have any suggestions re: what schools offer the best PhD programs in attachment theory?
Still trying to understand what it means to have an anxious relationship to self?
it means that you dont believe that your ideas or self narrative is important at all. a anxious person wont be able to keep a diary for example, because they dont feel that anybody cares about their life, including themselves.
Hey! Thanks for all of these informative and eye open videos.
Also, I wonder why does our attchment style affects our love language. Even more, as we change our attachment style for example a DA to a more secure, can we change our love language? It is harmful to have a low physical love language?
Thank you
What if you’re primarily a DA but split about 30% between other attachment styles?
DA's are broken up sub-types, there is a video on that from this channel, look it up.
also FAs are a mix of DAs and AAs. so theres also that.
in the end, these things are just tools for people to sort themselves out. each person is unique and has to find their own way in life.
Girl I believe is DA complained to me why do all guys just want to have sex...told her that's a reflection of you and the guys you're picking
Oops. Sure it's not all guys... but you should try being a girl!
Great content as always....also I think that your natural teeth looked very pretty...
How do you know me?
Anyone have any advice how to treat at DA when he returns after month of silence?? How can I address it ?
First consider if you really want someone back in your life who disapeared from your life for months. Asses your needs, express them in a non violent way, see where he is at. Be aware he might leave again. Are you both aligned to each other needs?
I would first ask the person what happened and why they left in the first place. Ask what her intentions are and see if we can fill each other’s needs.
This requires lot of courrage from both,
Thais always says that a DAs is conflicted between their fear of love and their need of it. so the fact that, that person came back means that their need was higher than their fear at that point. so they do have feelings for you, but they are often overwhelmed by their instinct to run away.
and then theres the whole gender normative type stuff that adds another layer of BS.
so i would say: if that person is unlikely to do the work and it means you have to do most of it, is that ok with you? or do you think that person is the type who can figure out that stuff on their own.
I would say something like this:
"I get a bit anxious when I don't hear from you for longer periods.
What can U suggest for me not to get into anxious mode?
So the answer is coming from DA and thus he won't feel that "he is being told"
Hopefully, he won't dismiss it and say " figure it out yourself"😕
@@warmhart2034 lol this is a good one. But I wrote my comment a year ago. I’m done trying to work with him
@@SK-no2pp oh really, how long where you together?
Disappointing to see the current trend of videos @Personal Development School. They have become shorter and less focussed, so thats a double whammy! First 1:00 is the same advertisement of your coupon code, and then till 3:30 you're talking about DA and AA dynamic. Start talking about the RED FLAGS ALREADY man! There isnt much content here anyway, so dont know if this deserves a video.
Correction. the video begins at 4:00. first four minutes are just spiel.
What are you creating? You don't like it, go somewhere else. This is free content.
I don't really understand this. I thought DAs would be very oversensitive about not being seen/heard/understood rather than desensitised.
That is because yes being unseen, unheard and misunderstood is a core wound for them but it is also a subconscious comfort zone where they felt the exactly the same way in childhood. This is just like how AAs might be desensitised to being dismissed as even though it is a core wound for them it is also a subconscious comfort zone.
@@roshalllambert so, what, they gravitate towards it or "explode" (whatever the reaction to oversensitisation is) over it?
@@pinkette yes the gravitate towards it because according to the subconscious mind whatever is familiar is safe even though it might not be the best option.