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Ask her how she views the genius Children who at age 7, 8, 9 and hgher play perfectly the Tchaikovsky violin concerto and other concertos, from memory. I guess its healthy...because they seem like they enjoy it though, or whther therese kids are missing something in childhood.
Listening to this interview made me think wooow! This lady is really intelligent and sharp and can communicate her understanding and beliefs effectively. Glad to hear truthful conversation. Thank you both. 🇹🇹🙏
My family guilt trips me for not having a career and tend to treat me like I have free time - I should accommodate them, because I don’t work. I have a 3yr old and a newborn with a degree as a psychotherapist. I myself had anxiety, depression, phobias and so forth as a child. I don’t want this for my children. I’m very fortunate and grateful that I can stay home for my children at least in the very young years. I just shake my head at how little even very educated people understand child development.
You are doing the most important work any human can ever do. Your family is confused even if, I assume, they have the absolute best of intentions. Being a mother is being a creator and a servant leader in the most beautiful and powerful way possibly. Cherish it. And find the strength to roll your eyes at your family’s silly, childish confusion.
Being a stay at home mom is the most important work you could possibly do. I have a masters degree in mental health counseling and BECAUSE of it I chose to stay home with my child. You are making use of your degree every second of the day, how beautiful. I also wonder how people without this knowledge go about doing this all consuming difficult work😅
You are doing right. I promise! My daughter is now 21 and no drugs no alcohol nothing. Totally worth it. And if money becomes an issue you can always provide online mental health care when they are in school or even asleep for the night. There's ways to make it work where you don't go without and your kids don't either. But the kids should def come first. Don't trust them with public schools either. Charter school is where it's at. 15 kids. Reading at kinder. Parents required to be involved. And free.
I have had similar experiences as a nurse. My old coworkers think I’m insane, my family thinks I wasted money on my education, and often I find the only people building me up for choosing to be a homemaker are on the internet. Nevermind the fact that my child is wildly healthy, has never had to take antibiotics, eats fresh meals every day, and plays outside every day… I guess in their minds I should be taking care of strangers?
My advise as a mom of two is don’t listen to the authorities - every suggestion/demand is the opposite of what you should do naturally as a loving parent. Keep your babies with you, next to you, on you, as much as they want it. They’ll naturally on their own feel safe enough to be independent. Pushing someone away will make them clingy.
Right. ❤ When they are little. But also if you need time, take some reasonably. Most kids will naturally want to explore. My mother pushed my dad away pushed me away, then would randomly expect me to see her as my diety. (Narcissist) It worked. I was extremely co-dependent. I remember being sort of excited to to go 6th grade camp because my friends were excited to go. My mom asked me why I thought I would be going? Why would I want to do that did I *really* want to be away from her for two weeks??! (Ironic since much younger she was fine sending me to girl scouts for a week at a time and off to relatives for several days). But she said we could instead go to the mountains just me and her. She just wanted someone to do that with. TBH it was one of the best times we had though I hardly saw her during the trip. Lol But I grew up as a push over, even when I thought I was rebellious I actually was just letting others decide things for me and accepting abuse. It's society and the public schools as much as my mom and etc. If you send your kids to public school you're not the main caretaker anyway....that's just reality. I was raised by the school system and my peers, my grandparents next, my mom least but she took all the credit for good and it was "who raised you?!!" When something bad LOL At least I am grateful I *wasn't* raised by her since she is toxic. But my husband and I have worked hard to stop the cycle of trauma we both went through. It's been a learning experience, we started as liberals sending our kid to public preschool and myself looking into a job while I studied at college....and now I am extremely grateful to be a full time mommy and homeschooler! ❤ And my husband helps too! Like today. 😊
Idk my mom kept me close when I was little but then my dad would abandon me in the swamps with a single shot 20 ga and 3 shells for a whole day sometimes and I don't mean the side of road either my uncle let me take the john boat out totally alone into ocean and mangroves now I never panic when I'm alone even in the most brutal environments so there is something to be said for letting kids wander the wastes.
My husband and I decided that no matter what we’d keep our kids home. We paid off all our debt prior to our first, bought reasonable cars and don’t get to buy everything we want when we want it. But we made it work on a small amount of income. If you want it, you make it work. If you don’t, you’ll just make excuses and then criticize people like Erica who tell the truth about what parents are doing. If you’re doing things right and not making choices based on fear or selfishness, you have nothing to be offended by. And to all the women and mothers, I will never regret the time I’ve sacrificed for my children. There is nothing more meaningful in my life as a woman and mother as holding my kids who loving run to embrace me every morning when they wake up. Sacrifice for your children and you won’t never regret the outcome.
Right! I became and RN so I could work 3 days and be off 4. They went with family and then small private at home day care with ppl we still have a relationship with to this day.
Amen!!! ❤ It's very heart breaking how many excuses are made. There are funds in the public school district from our taxes for donating to homeschool families and even old school materials. If they are willing. 🙄 Usually it's if your child participates in the system with sports etc which I rather my kid wasn't involved with at all. There are co-ops for home-school/ groups and charter schools and private is an option, especially if you can get a grant/scholarship. ❤ IMO home-school is ideal. It's what the vast majority of children have been through throughout history. (Yes in loose terms LOL😅) But really we have more resources than ever to teach our children ourselves and to do oceans better than the public schools do. No doubt. They deserve full time parenting from a committed loved one. ❤
@Dunbar_Dynamics ❤ That's awesome. You puzzle-pieced it together. So many people seem to not understand/don't care enough....that there are many ways to make it work. Kids don't need to be in public school in 99% of cases. Don't forget if you have the time; you can attend school district meetings for sake of the community/your kid's peers...it's your tax money that funds the schools even when your child doesn't use them. 😢 We all have a voice! 🎉
You are completely correct! My husband and I graduated from nursing school with a bachelors of science and tons of student loan debts. We lived on one income as newlyweds and paid our $130k in loans off and bought a little house. Kept driving our high school/college cars until our early 30s. Once the student loans were hammered we had our son 13yrs ago, I stayed at home with him, and have always homeschooled. He is a wonderful, smart, well adjusted, mature 13yr old and will be ready to take college classes a year or two sooner as we are ahead of schedule. When you make a middle class income, the second job is lost to taxes, time, daycare, and extra expenses. Not only is staying at home good for the children, it keeps a marriage going too with more time for romance. We found it less stressful than pre-kids when we both worked full time. We have been married 17yrs now, and married at 22yrs/25yrs old. **The system lies to parents because they don't care for you. They care about generating tax livestock to be wage slaves that cannot critically think. Separating husband and wife helps them get to the kids easier as they become more vulnerable. Two parents is a much better hedge to protect and give what is needed to the children.
I worked at a daycare with several hundred children aged 2-5 years old. It was one of the most heartbreaking experiences I’ve ever had! We were way understaffed. I was immediately put in charge of 30 preschool aged children. (I was right out of high school) They were dropped off from as early as 6am and picked up as late as 7pm We weren’t allowed to touch the kids. No hands held, no hugs, no picking them up. It didn’t matter if they fell and got hurt and/or cried about anything! I had grown up with 7 younger siblings and I loved babies/toddlers and I think that’s why I was really good with them. It felt natural to me. I started ignoring the rules when kids skinned their knees, cried for mom, etc. I would hug them. I would hold their hands for a bit. I comforted them and played with them and laughed with them. Like I was their big sister. I strongly resisted the idea that they were not to be physically touched or given affection. It’s not natural!💔 Imagine getting dropped off and picked up 12 hours later and eating dinner and going straight to sleep, next day, repeat. So you see your own parents about an HOUR per day. And Zero physical touch or care?! I got caught several times and got yelled at. I had to sneak giving LOVE to babies! Pretty soon, every morning when I walked into the playroom, my name was yelled “miss Nolly! miss Nolly!” (my nickname) and I’m not lying, 50+ kids would run to me, so excited to see me! 😭💔 I was like a queen around there! They didn’t do that to any other staff. (I felt embarrassed, I just Knew it was trouble!) but I also loved those kids so much! Well the owner didn’t like me. She didn’t like the kids either, it was obvious. (Money, money) I worked there about 4, 5 months before she ‘let me go’ because I’d asked for time off for two doctor appointments. But I knew the real reason. She couldn’t take the risk with me I guess. Anyway, I was really really sad to leave those beautiful kids and really sad that I was leaving Them! I had lots of mixed feelings, but I couldn’t change a thing! A couple months after I was done working there, I bumped into an old co worker. She told me that after I left, all of the kids asked about ’miss Nolly’ for weeks and several cried for me. There was one little boy who cried for weeks! Asking where I went!😭 I was depressed for months, thinking about those poor babies who desperately needed love and care! And because the owner was scared of despicable things (maybe she had a bad experience with an employee idk) hundreds of kids, year after year after year went without tlc and physical contact!! I was raised by a stay at home mom, and I planned on doing the same. (And I Did stay at home with my own) But seeing the damage and Need for love and affection in those little human beings killed me, and I’ve never forgotten those kids. I think about them, hope they are all okay. I know what psychological impacts that had on those children now. And I knew it then. And I have Never understood WHY that is so Acceptable and Normal in our country?!? 💔 To give our most PRECIOUS things in life to pure strangers to RAISE them??! Please all of you mamas! Raise your own babies!!
I had same experience in Switzerland. I went for a trail day in a place where I left feeling depressive. I chose another one and I was mistreated because I was "too affectionate " to children. I couldn't do it anymore. Life has changed and by working people can afford things they didn't had in the past but those things aren't really needed it and we are creating a world full of children whom in few years will be people with massive attachment problems, massive emotional problems which of course will be sorted with the "help" of pharmacy industry. Parents want to be parents, but they don't want to do the job of parenting. And those who don't dare at all treat animals as if they were infants. Honestly, so many life facilities are only creating more damage to what a real human being is or should be. Someone connected to themselves and, therefore, being able to connect with others. It's a sad scenario.
In my early 20s, I worked in the most expensive daycare and preschool in a very wealthy area in California. Parents would drop off at six in the morning and pick up at 6:30 at night. At one point I was told to stop caring for a little baby who was there because he had grown attached to me and would cry when he had to leave at night with his mother. So the administration made rules about holding babies and comforting babies in the infant room. I will never forget it. It was incredibly painful to watch this little guy sobbing and reaching up for me, and me being told I couldn’t pick him up. The experience informed how I chose to parent my own kids when I had them it is worth every penny I don’t make being a stay at home homeschooling mom to get to be with my kids.
Oh my gosh, this hurts my mama heart. Positive touch is critical for young children’s emotional regulation and grounding. They literally feel like they’re in a deep, pressurized airplane cabin, like the air is being sucked out and they can’t have a solid place to be. They need positive touch. This is just excruciating to hear. I pray the Lord will comfort them and supernaturally heal their hearts.
@nothankyou2614 There are old studies that show babies LITERALLY DIE without touch. They will become so depressed/anxious they will refuse to eat, sleep, and eventually cry so much they just stop, and then eventually die. It becomes so obvious in cases like this that it is torture. Straight up. This is child abuse, and those babies need their parents (or at least someone to hold them).
I spent 25 years in the autism spectrum kids communities. There was good discussion that never became main stream about women being highly stressed during pregnancy. Several doctors felt that high stress while pregnant resulted in the child being born highly stressed and highly sensitive from the get-go. I would like to hear more discussion about this. I know so many women who continued in their highly stressful jobs right up until birth time-made even worse, because most are not physically well at the end anyway. We almost treat pregnancy like it is nothing.
I'm autistic and my mom was in heaven when pregnant. She used to brag about it and how she bullied me about my pregnancy which was highly stressful. My child is severely ASD. But also had a severely stressful childhood. I think it all contributes to symptoms but it's likely genetic. Since we started to homeschool and not bother with the scheduling and rate race of the system we have been doing immensely better. Stress contributes to disease and many psychological symptoms etc. For everyone. So it's not suprising. That's why I caught myself stressing at the start of the scamdemic - I have auto immune issues and was worried with a special needs child that literally had a habit of licking the bottoms of shoes at the time, railings etc. and wouldn't wear a mask. Well I realized the chemicals I was using to clean and the stress were going to kill me faster. I let go, I started to actually look into what chemicals were in my hygiene products, food, the home and car.... can't get away from them all when not wealthy but can do a lot. PEG (which was also in a vaccine of theirs), endochrine disruptors in the face masks if not organic cotton or genuine silk), soy and lavender even....in so much today. I stopped wearing make up that wasn't natural and I rarely wear make up at all. I feel a lot better. We work on stress management and during the pandemic we went to parks and stores and etc and only wore a mask when enforced. We lived life. I was going to rush to get the vaccine too, But I had not only studied nursing but also pharmacology and pharmacy history. I knew that the first line of most drugs even vaccines are tested on the public more than they are ever tested in a lab. Discovering my sensitivities to different chemicals I decided that I would be waiting. As time went on I was villanized for stopping to think. It was creepy so it turned me off to vaccines at all until this year. We didn't get flu shots a COVId shot etc and we didn't seem to get COVID until late 2021. It was like a bad flu for three days. That was miraculous for me, it hit me a bit harder than family but even a cold virus in the past would've left me sick for weeks. So a lot of it has to do with the chemicals in our lives, even natural endochrine disruptors (look at how common processed food has become in only a few generations, and soy is now in so many different products You have to pay a good amount of money most times to get things that are claimed soy-free....) AND stress of course. Wym Hoff with his legendary immune system is all about managing stress and appreciating what is natural. I don't agree with everything he says but he's onto something there. My family still gets less sick than most, and my child does way better if we get into a cold pool also. Neighbors think we are crazy but we love swimming in the winter. ❄️ We aren't in the rat race, we found Jesus about 6 years ago and that's helped in every way, but in a non-religious way, that's probably also due to how the Bible is much about managing stress and one's emotions, and health. My child and I still have symptoms of ASD of course. But it's nothing like it used to be most times. ❤ I recently got a tetanus shot after years of nothing. It triggered my mono and IDK if something else too, but I've been having more intense ASD symptoms as well as been more sick in general the month since. I was put on antibiotics for the Mono by mistake so that definitely didn't help. But I'm working my way back to better health. I had major inflammation before the antibiotics after the shot. And many in my life warned me not to get it. 🙈 Even the doctor was apprehensive in behavior but said it's a good idea also "just in case". I hope this somehow helps you! ❤ שלום
It really struck a chord when you said we treat pregnancy like it's nothing. I think motherhood is also treated like it's nothing! Get back in the office - now! No thanks...
As a child , when in a group of people where a pregnant woman was present I would often hear my grandmother or the other older women say “ Don’t scare her, you’ll mark that child”. 3 months before I became pregnant with my 1st child my husband and I were following behind his mom,dad,sister,brother and brother in law when they were hit and killed by a drunk driver. 7 people were dead at the scene. My daughter was born and has struggled with anxiety and uncontrollable crying over potential loss on an almost daily basis. She has her Masters in anatomy and physiology and biology and studies epigenetics. Which is basically what my grandmother was saying all along.
So well spoken. I have followed this type of parenting at a huge sacrifice financially, but the product is 4 amazing emotionally strong young men which is the next generation. And that was worth the sacrifice. Becoming a parent means doing everything for your children. Thank you.
I will never regret pulling out of workforce to be a SAHM. It’s been the biggest gift to my child and me. Such a gift. Forever grateful that my spouse provided for this. We need to get back to extended family model and broader community.
@@noire9601She said it’s a gift and she’s forever grateful for what she’s able to do. Just because you’re envious doesn’t mean somebody’s bragging. And don’t assume it’s “privilege”. Most people have to make sacrifices to make it happen, and not everyone is cut out for that.
@@noire9601 sacrificing her income and professional endeavors to be able to care for her home and children is to be praised not denigrated. Using righteousness to condemn sacrifice in the name of “social justice” is peak cognitive dissonance. 😂
I'm a pregnant woman who worked in daycares for 8 years. They wanted to be called early childhood education, not daycare. But it it is what it is. The amount of behavior problems in such young children is astounding. We had many trainings on biting. Many trainings on problem behaviors. But put a 12 month old in a room with 13 other kids and two adults and expect them not to eat or be eaten. It's insanity.
Seriously. Not only the numbers but honestly daycare was meant for desperate poor people. Not everyone. Parents should be PARENTING LOL Go figure. 😢 It's sad how often we have been brainwashed to play "mommy going to work *kiss kiss* be good!" When kids deserve full time parenting from loved ones close to them. Not a stranger. Not denying your work ethic or care for these kids....but it's not the same! Or shouldn't be.
I have my girls in a montesori day care. It is great. However, being aware of these things I still had to do it bc I had tonfind work (and it turns out no one hires you with a such a strict schedule especially since kids get sick so often). They base their work around reaching milestones and they don't pressure us as parents but I feel as if the kids are being made to hit milestones before they are ready...at the same time, they do go with what the child wants. Hopefully by next school year I am settle in a work from home and won't need to send them. Though I am grateful bc it is montesori and I do not pay for anything. The teachers are awsome
Yeah that’s cause they belong at home with their mothers. It’s a shame that we shove our kids into the arms of strangers and then are surprised at the outcome.
100%. State certified lead preschool and infant/toddler teacher here. What I saw in group care convinced me I would NEVER put my own child in a large group setting under 3. Kids and adults are getting traumatized by student-teacher ratios that are the bare minimum to keep your child alive, not anywhere near what is needed for healthy development. And we were taught to hide it from the parents. It’s so messed up that people think it’s normal to leave kids under 3 in large group care for 8 hours a day 5 days a week. You are literally asking for emotional and behavioral problems that could have lifelong impact for some children.
I LOVED staying home with my children. I also love being able to be there for my teenagers when they need me. High school is hard enough. Being able to come home and vent to or celebrate with a parent is so important.
Yes, being there for your kids at any age is important. Our role changes but even as teenagers and adults we need someone that has our back and parents help to lighten the load of life where they can.
Almost never comment on videos. Father of 5 children. Tremendous interview. Helpful, challenging, encouraging. Bravo to you for the great interview - no easy feat. And bravo to Erica for accumulating and sharing her hard-earned expertise in this field.
Thank you for this encouraging comment! I really appreciate it. My goal is always to try to have these shows be as enriching to viewers as possible. This makes my week!!!
I had a stressful childhood. I was deprived of the right kinds of hardships, and given all of the wrong ones. My parents dumped the burden of all their stuff on me. Left me limping through life.
@@lilafeldman8630 I know it’s incredibly difficult, but stay away from thoughts that victimize you. Your thoughts become your actions, your reality! You are so strong! What you’ve suffered has only made you Stronger!! Think about it.. you were a child. And you made it out to the other side with your soul intact, right!? You are capable of anything! But our biggest enemy is our own self! Lots of love ❤️
This. All of this. I'm coming to convinced my stressful childhood gave me immune system cancer at 25. No one on either side of their familys had Hodgkins Lymphoma. Bad parenting literally made me sick.
Man I am so scared because my family is as anti-hugs, anti-love in general. I hug my boy every single time I see him crying or reaching for me but this is hard because by the one year mark I have to go back to work my 9-5. I am worried because I am anxious due to never having a secure loving mom my whole life. I don't blame her but after watching this episode I am scared AF.
Fascinating video. I am 42 and I had great parents and family. We had our disfunction, just like every family I think. Problem was I went through sexual abuse by a male gay babysitter (not family) and that triggered Bipolar disorder which had me hospitalized for a psychotic break when I was 25. I had dropped out of college because of my mental health. I was made by society that had pushed the message that "you'll be nothing and will be an absolute failure without a college degree. It is the ONLY path" to feel that way. I also have ADHD and that also has made me a complete failure in societies mind (and my mind), and the literal only thing I can remember from 1st grade is my teacher screaming at me for daydreaming and humiliating me. Thankfully I had loving parents and a very loving brother who helped me get my life together. If I hadn't had their support I probably would have caved to societies pressure and killed myself so I wasn't a burden to society. I recovered from Bipolar disorder, but it wasn't until 21 years had passed that I had told anyone about the sexual abuse that I even got diagnosed and began to do so. I been stable for years but I need to do more work on myself. Even though I am doing fine in life, really good actually, I still feel like a complete absolute loser because I didn't finish college. Then I have people tell me bullshit like "college isn't for everybody" which makes me feel even worse about myself. Nice channel I have subscribed. Thanks for the reassurance that this isn't all my fault.
You can go back to college at anytime. Go at your pace. You can take part time classes if you’d like or take full time classes if your schedule allows it.
Our value doesn’t depend on our education level. One day, I decided that my opinion of myself matters most, and since then, I’ve cared much less about what others say. Don’t waste your life trying to please others. Do what brings you peace and joy. 😇
Sorry for my English- What a horrifying experience you have lived through. Whether you have a college degree or not, that does not define who you are as a person. I am so glad that you are here today.♥️ * hugs*
I could not leave my baby and go back to work. I made huge financial sacrifices to stay home and be a Mom. Motherhood is the best and most fulfilling job I've ever had!
My mom told me when I was pregnant and planning to stay home full-time that I would need a job because I would hate looking after babies and being "only" a mom. If that doesn't sum up how she felt about us kids I don't know what else will! We always felt like a burden and uninteresting compared to her work. I will not be leaving my children with the same feeling of not being enough.
I feel sorry for your mom and grateful that you’ve got more appreciation for what truly matters in life. Nobody lies on their death bed wishing they had worked more.
I feel sorry for her too and try to encourage her because it's clear she has so much doubt and anxiety about being a mom even now. That generation had a really tough time of it, the women being told being a mom was worthless and they should work, yet having to fight their instincts every step if the way and feeling not good enough no matter what they did. Thanks for your content! ❤️
@@katieociardha2196or might be that mom actually didn't want to be a mom. The problem can be the opposite, she didn't know what truly matters in life for her, and probably it was growing and exploring, pursuing her own goals and freedom. It's sad for both, the mom and the daughter but I am happy the daughter actually is happy to be a mom. ❤ Both options are great as long as you do what you really feel
Story of my life. When I got pregnant, my mom started posting passive aggressive memes on Facebook about how women became slaves to their baby and family 🤦♀️ . I do not view caring for family as slavery but apparently she finds it relatable. I too always felt like a burden and unloved to my parents
The bond between mother and child ❤️ is incredibly important! It's also very important for children to bond with their fathers! Children learn special life skills from each parent! It's not natural to leave a little baby you brought into the world with strangers! Being protective of a baby is our duty! It's our natural instincts coming out our natural Mama 🐻 bear mode! Our roles in the world are forcing families out of their natural roles in life, due to the high cost of living! In the 50's Mother's, we're forced out of motherhood purposely! It has led us to where we are , Children have more issues than we can count today because of it! Our Mother's teach us how to love ❤️ and care for other people! Young people are not as well rounded , they don't have good self-esteem, and they're inwardly selfish these days! Not all of course, but it's changed so much now that everyone is noticing it! As a result of Mother's being out of the home, our entire society has changed and not for the better! You are on the right ✅️ track, motherhood is the greatest job we can do to promote a healthy happy society. I feel heart broken 💔 for children that have been adopted by same sex couples, that place no importance on motherhood at all and these children from sergeants are literally forced to go against the natural life order of things. Children are intelligent and will feel cheated not having their Mom.
@@stardustgirl2904 Same sex couples are also good parents. You're missing the point here. The most important message is that every child should be raised in a loving, caring, empathetic, supportive, respectful and nuturing environment. It doesn't matter the sexual orientation of a person, or if the family unit consists of the stereotypical image of what parents should look like or not, or if they are the biological parents or not. What matters is that the child grows up in a stable home and that they are loved unconditionally. I feel sorry for the children and teens that are not adopted at all and that have to live their lives without growing up in a loving family. This type of situation can damage a child, definitely not the opposite. It makes me really sad when people say hurtful and untrue comments such as this. Let's not forget that a child who is loved is going to perpetuate that love and become a mentally and physically healthy young adult. Let's also not use this platform to spread confusion and hate, the world unfortunately has more than enough of that already. No matter what, everybody, young and old, needs and wants to be loved. After all, this is what keeps us moving forward, and most importantely, this is what makes us human.
I’m listening to this while coloring with my two year old. She’s going to be ok. I’m 50 years old and still trying to figure it out. “Self awareness is the key” 🤜 🤛
In this day and age most parents don't have a choice and have to work to put food on the table. I had to go back to work when my baby was 10 months old. My husband was trying to find work after being made redundant. It was a heart wrenching time for all of us. We made a choice to cosleep with our baby. We cuddled her throughout the night. She is a very happy 8 year old now. We are mentally exhausted after a slave day at work. Cannot play dollies with her but over weekend, holidays, and vacations it is all about us as a family. Modern day living is not easy, especially when you are on your own. Would I stop working to be a stay home mum ? In a blink of an eye. Alas! Most of us are getting by just with 2 people working. We try our best and I can only hope our daughter grows up to understand we did our best. She loves us to the moon and back and she is the center of our universe
Both of my parents worked when I was a child, and I can honestly say, it wasn't the quantity that mattered, but the quality of our interactions. My best friend had her mom at home full time, but she was strict, and emotionally illiterate. Two hours of quality time with my mom in the evening were more than enough. On the other hand, I was naturally a very independent child (only child) and liked playing alone a lot.
Yes to both of these comments! My husband and I both work full time. We thankfully work opposite shifts so he's with our LO in the morning when I leave for work and I'm there in the evening. In between our shifts our moms watch him. But I had to leave my son just before the 6 month mark and that sucked. We also co-sleep and make the most of our time together on weekends and weekdays when we are home. ❤
This interview lists the issues that are seen cognitively in children and why this happens. But it demonized mother's who don't stay at home (many can't and the number that can't is growing) and schools that have funding cut for the very things they advise for. The reasons this is happening are societal issues. We care less about education and families (especially mothers). All we care about is $
This was my exact situation I had no choice but to work I would rather her not see me most of the day than to be homeless. She is 5 years old now we have a strong bond. I just make the little time I am with her count. She is very independent and quick to learn. She makes friends with no problem she is also socially awkward she didn’t get much interaction with the outside world between the pandemic and me working a lot but that is changing slowly. I chose to not have another one cause I don’t want to go back to work 6 weeks after birth.
In light of this conversation it’s baffling to think that we think of parenting as ending at 18 and only starting up again (with enjoying only the good parts) in grand-parenting. I could only hope my children have the confidence in their parents to seek guidance, advice, perspective, etc when they become adults.
My husband and I have been living on one income since 2016. I’m now pregnant and am very glad I can continue being here for our future daughter as a SAHM.
I raised two children I adopted from foster care. I tried for 11 years to get help for them. I told everyone that would listen that they have attachment disorder. All I got was “that’s so rare”. No one helped them. 3 years of talk therapy where they learned to manipulate and triangulate. Something needs to change.
I've worked in the foster care system. 'Group homes' (STRTP's if you're in California) only contribute to the disordered attachments. I cannot draw to mind one successful placement in the 3 years I worked with foster youth. There was no trauma work, no EMDR, no psychoanalysis. Only CBT/DBT and man, did they teach the kids how to work the system/ other people effectively. I firmly believe the dysfunction you and I witnessed is one of the most significant causes of the current homelessness and addiction epidemic. Something absolutely needs to change
Not rare. It’s not just happening in kids being adopted from foreign countries. Don’t let them, hate this term but it applies, gaslight you. Parents who suspect this must Be the squeaky wheel. Don’t stop until you get the grease of support and discussion about what is actually happening!!!!!
Not sure if they’re still with you presently, but this link below is a wonderful resource. I work as a family therapist specializing in attachment. Bryan Post has practical, grounded application of attachment repair. God bless. youtube.com/@postinstitute?feature=shared
This was very eye opening as a newer father. My wife and I are balancing someone always being with our child. Trying to balance because we do need two incomes. So one of us is working off hours while the other isn’t. It’s a challenge but we have such a happy boy.
I want to applaud 👏 you and your wife! ❤Loving your child is the greatest joy that you both share in and it brings you both closer together ❤️ in your marriage! I have been married 32 years and had four children under the age of 7 I was a busy mom. I stayed home with alk of them ,it was hard but we mad we it through! Their all grown adults they love and respect us, and ❤we loved them as much as possible! And taking them to church made them the best people every! They play piano 🎹 and I highly recommend playing a musical instrument like piano, they have self accomplishments and that alone helps with self esteem! You and your wife are doing great you are loving your child and your being present in your child's life 🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉I'm so happy for your family! 🙏🏻✨️
This interview is the most accurate meta analysis I have heard to date. I’m in the research of adolescent suicide and every thing she has talked about is in the 11 thousand hours of my study. I can also say based on that research, including the sensitivity gene & preadolescent children (13&14 year olds) the number 1 cause of death is suicide. Emotional development is overlooked for academics. It’s in the data. Middle School is now a dangerous place for many children.
Thank you for this interview! I am a stay at home mom to my 4 incredible children under age 4. Its amazing and also so hard some days. These types videos really help reassure me on the days I am doubting myself or have been getting an earful from some of my working friends. Thank you!
I kept my 2 children very close to me when they were infants and toddlers. Literally right up to 6 and 7 years old. As a result, my daughters are incredibly strong and confident young women.
I need this entire lecture on paper. Beautiful solutions that would make the most upward change in a society that is malnutritioned in this kind of nurturing care. Oh, how I wish there was more support in the raising of our children. In fact, I wish I had this support as a child. Being raised in this ineffective system really is showing in our society that I am 100% a part of. Mental illness has been my struggle for most of my life and the consequences I struggle with as an adult is painstaking, especially now as a mother to a son. Thanks to Erica Kimosar, I have been able to be more proactive in my efforts in being not just a more wholesome person, but a mother who is able to be more mentally and emotionally available for my son. I couldn’t be more grateful.
I'm a Mom who is at home. Call it old fashioned. I felt it's my God given calling. It makes me sad to see the Academic pressure on kids in our Country. But I'm hopeful for change and see more Tradeschools in the future. Great interview!!
You’re doing the immeasurably valuable work as a mom! My (and I) are SO LUCKY that my wife chose to stay back and raise him in the early years, I had morning duty, but didn’t get home until 8. It was financially difficult to be one income, but that’s life.
I truly don't see a pressure on children being put on them in school. I see quite the opposite instead. The United States 🇺🇸 is so behind in education it's scary! These overall scores are scary for the future of our nation! We won't be able to compete on a world wide scale if this continues. Many kids can't even read, or do simple math! And some cultures living in America don't care about education because they live in generational Welfare! It's sad to see these horrible statistics in America! But it's the sad reality .
The message Erica talks about is so important. I encourage everyone to read her first book, and buying a copy for friends or family in your life who are about to become parents. Im a mom to three young kids, and wish I had read this book before my first was born.
I’m a nursery teacher, (and a Waldorf trained kindergarten teacher). I have studied Gabor Mate and attachment theory. Am in full agreement with all your guest said. I’m also in agreement with Abigail Shrier which would seem like a contradiction. Would you please have Abigail on your show. I do believe these two women’s views can be reconciled but with a great deal of nuance, which podcast style can flesh out. And I think you’d be a great one to hold that conversation✨ Love your podcast!
I'm glad to hear your content and your continuing education in listening to interviews like this. You are truly a good teacher if you build your knowledge on such views like this ...as well Gabor Mate who I've been listening to as well a few times.
Waldorf was very traumatizing for me as a child. It places children in boxes. It’s almost like a cult. I actually used the teachings of Gabor Mate to heal my trauma from that school.
I think it all boils down to narcissism. You want to be there for your teens as an emotional touchstone, let them explore without being a helicopter/devouring mother. Having the meaningful conversation by being there but let them try out some confidence.
@@Usernameprivate2023How was Waldorf traumatizing for you? Did you go to a Waldorf school? Was delayed academics not good for you? Were arts being integrated into the curriculum not good for you? Waldorf is supposed to be screen free, nature orientated, and developmentally appropriate education based on the teachings of Rudolph Steiner. That being said, I know sometimes the application of something can be quite far from what it was meant to be originally.
This is so good. Something that I will definitely be implementing in my parenting journey. I know it's not to late for me to make changes in my parenting journey.
I’m a single mom with a one year old and this was very helpful to think about my parenting now and in the future. We went to a splash pad for the first time and she kept going away from me and coming back, but a couple times she would keep on going, then look back and giggle when she saw me coming to get her.
Pay attention if you discover your child is a “ mean girl” or a cruel “ smack talker” to their peers- They may be under their own stress if they’re lashing out at peers to feel better about themselves or accepted by a certain group
A sister of mine was like this in middle school and high school. Our mother was an undiagnosed borderline (we didn't know until recently), and my sister was the main scapegoat. I knew my mom was emotionally unavailable and mean, but I guess I was spared because she was married to my dad, so I was unaware of some stuff happening in the background as the youngest oblivious loner child. It's been about 15 years since she graduated high school, and I finally understand why we both had different yet had severe issues when socializing. An emotionally absent parent (towards me) or one that is outwardly emotionally and verbally abusive (towards my sister) will have a huge influence on a child's behavior in school. The overachieving mean kids and underachieving/inconsistent loner kids tend to have stressors related to bad parenting. Those both desperately looking for attention or trying to avoid all attention are probably being neglected or abused at home. I can look back and see this in some former classmates as well. It's actually more prevalent than people realize.
What a beautiful discussion to listen to eloquent speakers. I’m relatively new to fatherhood and I’ve learned so much from listening to this. my fiancé and I have made the decision to work opposite schedules so that our children do not have to go to daycare and that we get as much time at home with them . The sacrifices that my fiancé and I don’t have as much time together anymore, but it’s worth knowing that we are helping our children’s developmental stages that’s creating emotionally, intelligent and confident human beings.❤
My husband and I were talking to a neighbor and he was talking about his HS daughter and about how she is taking 6 AP classes this year. He added that she needs to be in the top 10% of her class to get into college. All I could think about was how stressed out that poor child probably is. 😢
@@amandaa3713 the classes might not be stressful for the academically prepared... but the pressure to be in the top 10% "to get into college" is nonsense. I was a very B student, and yet I got into 3 schools (I transfered, then continued my education after graduating)
Some kids are very advanced and need to be challenged at school not to be bored or pick up bad habits. It’s also a way to be in classes with other kids like her who are ambitious. Usually, those kids have also ambitious parents, not surprisingly. Other parents choose to let their kids run around all day and not be stressed and set a very low bar for them. And maybe a low bar is all your kids can achieve in life.
My friends in the academically advanced classes had dramatically divergent outcomes. Some are homeless despite getting into the best colleges in the world, others are multi-millionaires after going to those same schools. I nearly self-combusted in my 20s, when the burnout finally caught up with me. The mental health problems of the academically advanced are quite real.
@@kace999I would agree. In addition I would say the academically advanced often times struggle with a specific area of their life that long term impacts them. For example not being able to cook, or clean, or basic self care. You can have a kid who found the cure to cancer but can't take care of their own health... Its because they taught to value academia over being able to care for themselves.
I knew that after being out in daycares from 3 months of age, then the public school system… even though I have a degree in music education, I realized thankfully before I had children that I could never put them through what I did. Although, ironically, my parents live with my family now. I had hoped it would be a time they could redeem themselves through being around my children and myself… however, their narcissistic self-oriented personalities have only worsened with age. So instead of taking care of three children… I get to take care of 5. I had always planned to take care of my parents in their old age, but I am immensely saddened that my vision of their own healing process and redemption arc will likely not materialize. But I keep on praying.
Thank you for this. I cried a few times watching this video because of how I was raised and this answers some of the questions I had about my upbringing. Me and my husband want to have kids and it terrifies me that I could replicate my upbringing to my children but I think that fear will help as long as I don't convert it to anxiety and reach out for help when I need it. I was raised by a narcissistic authoritarian mother who raised me with the help of my grandparents, aunts and uncles, who gave me the love and nurture that I needed. My mom worked the graveyard shift so I really only saw my mom for maybe 3 or 4 hours a day on the weekdays and about 5 or so hours on the weekends but she was rarely ever present. If she interacted with me, it was to discipline me for not getting an A on a test, not having straight A report cards, for the bedroom that I had to share with her was not clean to her standards, made me feel like a burden because of how much she spent on me for necessities like clothes and school supplies, and so on. Because of my mom's expectations of me that I wasn't the daughter she wanted, I didn't care to keep up with my grades that I graduated high school with a 2.6 GPA. She also pressured me so hard to become a nurse so I can financially and medically take care of her that I purposely ruined my chances of getting into any nursing program by failing the pre-requisite classes, which caused me to waste so much time and money. If I had the mental strength I would've left home at an early age to live my life how I wanted to but I didn't so I put up with it until I was about 26 years old, which is when my mom kicked me out because she was fed up with. She contacted me again when she found out that I had graduated college with my bachelor's for something that I chose to do but by then I had already moved a few states away. She tried to talk nice to me to get me to come back home but I refused so we are no longer in contact. My grandparents, aunts and uncles tried to get me to talk to her but I don't see her as my mom anymore than I think she sees me as her daughter since she is considering, in her own words, "adopting a child to replace me". Mentally, I'm a lot healthier after going through a few years of therapy. I'm going back to school for my master's degree and sometimes I get the need to achieve A's or I'll feel like a failure but I constantly remind myself that I don't need an A to prove my self worth.
ADHD has a legitimate genetic component. It's not just from anxiety due to poor parenting. I stayed home with my kids, loved on them, played on the floor with them, did baby-wearing, breastfed, and devoted all my time to them, and they still have ADHD and mild Autism as adults. I love being their mom, and they trust me with their feelings. The thing is, my husband, his father, and his father's father all have/had ADHD, and this was likely passed onto our children. The Freudian idea of the "refrigerator mom" as the cause of ADHD or Autism is passé. I do agree with the premise that we need to refocus our attention on our children's development as parents and as a community, especially in those early years. I don't agree that modern parenting causes ADHD with only small exception as Ms. Komisar stated.
Agreed. There are several people in my life with ADHD. It’s complex. But what makes things so hard now is the over-use of these categories by schools and the victimhood culture creeping into psychology. Challenging times!
Diet, nutritional deficiencies, and heavy metal exposure (preconceptionally, prenataly, from food, water, air, medication), also play a major role in ADHD individuals. Increasing nutrients and a heavy metal detox can really make a huge difference. ❤
I think genetics, parenting, and environment (toxins in the air, water, food, medicines, education paradigm, etc) all play into it. So much more processing in food and other factors which have increased in the past decades.... and more and more ADHD, autism, anxiety...😢
Haha yes it is very much genetic for many kids. My son has been hyper since he was in the womb. Now that he’s 9- the excess energy is leveling off somewhat. But he’s always wiggling and tapping and bouncing and crashing… The school did not enjoy him and the feeling was mutual. 😅 So, he learns at home now and is doing awesome.
This is truly the best take on American parenting I have heard. Immigrated here years ago and couldn’t understand why women have so many children and constantly complain how their kids inconvenienced their lives…how can someone raise a child when priority is given to mother’s social life or career climb?!
I was one of those ADHD kids, on Ritalin, expelled from multiple schools, lots of fight or flight. Though when I share those things now at 41 years old everyone is absolutely shocked. They have no idea that was my past. For my kids, I have worked hard to give them a stable home life, physically and mentally healthy parents in a home. My kids' school experience and childhood has been completely different than mine. Thanks for this interview!
Quite enjoyed this. I think Erica says what everyone knows to be true - parenting or lack there of is responsible for a lot of what we see now and if we only humble ourselves enough to say we need to address our own shortcomings and ourselves then maybe those around us could greatly benefit too.
I had fertility issues for years and was a full-time Nanny 20 years. I knew i would not leave my kids in daycare or a nanny. I saw parent after parent spend less than an hour a day except for 2 families. That isn't parenting. When we had my daughter, it was understood i would be home with her. We don't travel or take fancy vacations. We have made sacrifices so we are able to live on my huabands income. Kids need their moms home. I will never regret pouring into my daughter and raising her.
As a german cbt therapist I always look at the background of the symptoms. We talk about "schemata" and meta beliefs systems, which were developed in the childhood. That's an important part of therapy here!
I have a 6 & 7 y/o. If I could go back in time, if we had money to do so, I would've kept them home. Absolutely nothing that I did in exchange for a paycheck was worth going back to work. The six weeks of lockdown, staying home with the kids, were the most stressful but rewarding time I had with my then 2 & 3 y/o's. It kills me, because I can only gain this appreciation with time and distance.
This is the best interview I've ever seen about the emotional needs of children. Also, such a great explanation of the importance of looking into the past to help us understand our present and future fears. I've been told by a social worker I was seeing, that I ruminate on the past. I knew she didn't understand what I was saying or feeling. Thank you for this. I am a very fear-based person who has lacked strong family attachments throughout my 64 years. I'm always trying to understand why I'm the way I am.
The moment i became pregnant, all i wanted was for my baby to be happy, no matter who he turns out to be , i wanted him to have friends, and a wife, and a family, the goal was always mental happiness
as someone raised in eastern culture i can tell how western psychologists are over-romanticising the way we raise our children, one parent usually stays at home but theres no such thing as emotional bonding. Most of us do not have a secure attachment style once we are adults and due to our culture we are not even allowed to move away from abusive/neglectful parents. We have a huge envy for western kids as they are allowed to do so and eventually heal. For us, therapy is a taboo and even as adults ur not even allowed to buy a dress if ur mom doesnt like the colour, so even when mom stays home, theres no such thing as emotional care.
That's very sad. Honestly abuse from parents is very common in the West too. Most of us don't have secure attachments. That's why we have so many people having inappropriate sexual relationships etc. And the cycle continues until someone works hard to break it! 💪 Abuse is glorified here in media and our legal system. Law enforcement rarely helps and the schools perpetuate the issue. Most kids go to public school which is not healthy. A young child especially should be supervised by a loving parent most of the day, not a stranger or someone more detached. The understanding in our culture in the USA that mommies go to work and play corporate boss Barbie while their kids are with someone else is terrible. Then the moms start to feel it's popular to say "UGH I have to be with my kids! When is school break over! " Etc even though they hardly spend time with them. It's akward but I stopped playing that game a while ago. I mistakenly put our first child in preschool for 2 years before we found abuse and have been teaching them since. And before that we rarely had help either. My oldest is eleven and we have had two nights completely to ourselves, about 9 years ago. We had a handful of nights "alone" (at the caretakers home, we were too poor to live on our own so were with my husband's abusive grandma). So I'd still be the one being told to care for my child through the night if my child was not sleeping. We had maybe another handful of dates for an hour or two also through the years. My point; we love time with our kids (most the time 😅) and we are grateful I can stay home with my child. I planned to have a clinical psychology degree but I never continued when I realized how important parenting full time is. We usually hear moms, that maybe spend 5 hours of quality time with their kids/week if that; complain as an ice-breaker "I'm so sick of my kids! Aren't you just looking forward to school starting again?" It's even in a popular Christmas song.... They send them away when they can, they can't stand them. My sister in law complains she doesn't know her kids and why they do x/y/z but she doesn't bother to know them. She could be at home. I have witnessed a lot of child abuse by my cousin, cops and protective services did nothing. My grandmother worked with those organizations too, doing paperwork but talking with the psychologist etc, and horrific things some parents do. Most of them send their kids to public school too.... because we devalue children in this country and look at them as a burden most often. So neglect and abuse are common here too. We do at least have traditions being revived from some communities, from the 60s and before that....when more families bonded when they could. But even in the 50s the split had begun. Lots of socialism and communism was also being pushed in universities at that time, and the ideology of broken families and "sexual freedom" etc. Along side the push for public school k-12. So it's not a coincidence in my eyes.
That’s a different context. You are half way thru in the right direction: you have a parent at home but she’s loveless and/or abusive. I guess this overomantization is just the ideal scenario, but we know the world is far from ideal. After learning more and more about this topic, so far I can conclude that even if you have the best system for raising a child, it’s a matter of sin in the heart of a person. A mother that doesn’t know about her sin and hasn’t had her heart transformed by the love of God (thru Jesus) (NOT religion) will never love others and her children well. A mother whose heart is transformed knows that those children don’t belong to her, but to God who created them (she just receive them), therefore should not manipulate them to do her wishes (this is just Satanic) actually, but to serve, love and educate them. Everything changes when the heart changes. ❤
I've been stay at home mom of 3 boys for almost 7 years, and I never regret it. I left a career I love and it is the best decision I've ever made. I'm homeschooling now and doing my best to keep them away from the evils, and immoralities are widespread these days.
Whenever a child has an issue, the parent has the issue - so profound and such truth! I discovered how my 3yr old son was just a mircoversion of everything I was and because he hardly interacted with his busy working dad, I formed such a strong attachment that I now had to be mindful of my own childhood trauma and words and interactions and make a mindful effort not to be my worst self in front of my son. The good thing is though that all the good stuff he was imitating as well 🙂
We have a 14 month old and I’m so thrilled to be with him every day. I’ve seen every milestone and I see how confident he’s becoming in exploring his environment because he just knows I’m there to go back to. Before I was pregnant, when we discussed having kids, my husband thought of daycare because that’s the norm. When I shared the research with him, we reorganized our lives to make this work. I cannot imagine outsourcing his care for any reason- let alone to make money for a company.
This reminds me of the rice study; where the neglected rice went moldy faster than the rice that received negative critical feedback. The point was neglect is the most harmful.
Im so glad a friend sent this to me.. i have a 15yo girl and 17yo boy and I've been struggling... i get frustrated trying to communicate with them. This is making so much sense... i wish i can get a redo 😩
I really think this can be a solution to many problems we face today. Moms need to raise compassionate, strong minded & loving children. This is highly encouraged in Islam. Motherhood is the greatest & most rewarding job a woman can have. And the reward is immense full both in this world & the next. Thank you for such informative interview ❤
I'm a Mom of 2 Young Men! I was PRIVILEGED to be a stay @ home Mom. It's ROLE I NEVER SAW myself doing for a long duration! UNFORTUNATELY the PLAN my husband & I had agreed on , was once both boys go to Middle School, I'll go back to work , study for Bachelor of Nursing Science & do Business Management Courses! UNFORTUNATELY, I had CANCEL my PLANS & GOALS!, because my older son was diagnosed with autism! So recovering him through Therapies 4 times a week until he was 13 years old was NOT EASY! * I Appreciate & Respect Child Free People so much because they've SEEN & some were FORCED to help take care of their younger siblings hat Parenting entails & they DON'T WANT ANYTHING TO DO WITH IT!!
More nuance on the subject of child rearing. Well done John: the contrast between CBT and psychoanalysis was really interesting. My wife quit her job also when our second was born, and it definitely took a lot to get him to 25. We currently employ a new mom and we are welcoming her son in the work place so they can be together. Thanks again. Blessings
'Childhood isn't supposed to be stressful'.... But schools, society and the culture we live in are incredibly stressful for adults let alone how horrible teenagers can be to one another. Loneliness and lack of community are real.
This video is so impactful and so insightful. Erica Komisar is so intelligent and her work should be highlighted in all institutions that affect children throughout the world, especially here in the U.S. , and to wake up parents and educators on how social emotional development is so critical for children and how parents are directly related in that process. Wow she had so many eye opening statements that made me realize why I am the way I am after going through childhood and adolescence and how I can better parent my son. Truly enlightening and a gift from God 🙏🏼
Sounds perfectly similar to the insane mindset becoming increasingly pervasive, likely brimming over from elitist schools with no connection to real life.
This is my first time listening to this channel. I have listened to various people interview Erica but this is my favourite thus far. Thoughtful questions and lots of time for Erica to explain her knowledge and experience. My children are four and under but the information about adolescence helps me prepare for the future.
I love this woman. I try to watch every interview she does. I learn more and more each time. She is my touchstone for remembering to listen to my motherly instincts.
When I became a mom the first thing I noticed was the natural instincts that came with it. In fact, I was pregnant when I first felt them and they grow every day. Intuition goes a long way in parenting I think.
Such an interesting conversation. Erica has strong views - that I mostly agree with and some of them are very hard to swallow. The part I don’t feel as realistic is this idea that women staying home in the olden days used to stand around baking cookies. It seems like a glorification of the past. It is quite a lovely picture she paints - but it doesn’t seem like that was probably happening much. I am working mother, but my child went to care outside of the home when she was 16 months old. And I am able to pick her up basically every day and drop her off and she has reduced hours. (8:30-3:30 m-th & 1/2 day Friday) it really resonates with me how much I think people dismiss children’s feelings. And how much they want things to be convenient for themselves as parents. Having kids is not convenient! And that is why we only have one child - or part of why. The portion at the end where you discuss how burnt out adolescence are these days. I work in higher education, and it is such a horrible epidemic where students are so exhausted and don’t understand that learning should be an incredible experience. Hopefully there can be some real systemic changes in the coming years.
Absolute fascinating. I loved her thoughts on how parents are running their kids hard to get into college as if it's the end, when it's only the beginning. So many kids I saw straight As in high school just fell flat on their face after college (most get back up)
I really wish this was the information taught in prenatal classes and postpartum classes in addition to the information we want about giving birth. I do know that when I worked the ER with a Behavioral Medicine facility attached, I always thought that the children were not the ones with the problems but the parents were the ones being inconsistent which made the kids confused and defiant. I am glad she pointed this out.
Society wants women to work and have full careers. I as a woman was trained to excel at school and to find work but was not trained to take care of children and become a mother. It took a lot of relfection and sacrifice to come to the decision to quit working full time and take care of children. Sometimes i regret it but i know i am doing the right thing for our future insyaAllah. I like to listen to Erica as she reminds me that my efforts are not in vain
I have never met a woman yet who said, "I'm so glad I worked full time and sent my kids to day care". Every single one said, "I wish I could have been with them more and worked less".
She is so insightful that I feel raw due to my own limitations as a parent who was raised under firm parenting and the fealization of the pain that my child would feel when ideal parenting is not present
I grew up with both parents working from home and unfortunately, it was a horrible experience. My mother felt inclined to take care of my father, who was abusive and very angry all the time. I have odd phobias that I don't even know how I ended up with. Driving, calling people... I'm not sure why. Also depression, ADHD, general anxiety and CPTSD. My adulthood actually ended up being worse for me (from both parents) so I'm in a constant state of hyperactivity out of fear. I tried to shield my children from this, unsuccessfully so far. I latched onto a narcissist and he, in turn, ended up neglecting and abusing our kids after he left. It's a shame that I can't break a cycle of abuse. I personally could but I know now I can't make someone else break their own.
I was fortunate enough to have a stay at home mom and she was my childhood hero. That was enough to convince me to allow the same for my daughter. It wasn't easy but it was worth every penny that we didn't have. 🥰
Looks at Pakistani social media: women crying about abuse, financial illiteracy, not being able to get out of marriages because no job Look at American social media: people crying about how women need to stay home. Conclusion: context is important, every situation has pros and cons. Just because you adopt one lifestyle doesn’t guarantee that your child will not have any problems.
Erica thank you so much for speaking and writing this truth. I've been unable to understand how anyone could leave an infant or toddler. I stayed home with my children. I'm so grateful! The relationship I have with them as adult children is wonderful. Look at our society. I believe it's a reflection of ignoring infant, toddler and children's needs . Thank you for speaking out!
The community raising the child doesn’t work, because the community cannot love like a parent. And, a father cannot nurture an infant like a mother can, hence nursing. Likewise, a mother must stay with her child, while the father works to support them; that’s one of the ways he loves them and finds purpose.
Thousands upon thousands of women choose poorly because "dad" was always at work & never around. Absentee father. I live with an 86 year old man, has two daughters. It's not my only experience as Ive worked in retirement homes. Yes, great idea that dad works bit if dad isn't invested in the actual kid and care these problems still exist & still get perpetuated next generational
Many of my childless (including me) friends really wanted to have children… Most of us could not create stable enough partnerships to justify having kids. Now that we’re post-fertility and all this research is widely available, we’re all regretfully glad that we didn’t create more broken humans. As for me, I’m to a point where I hope something kills me soon. I’m tired of being here and doing everything alone.
If you have stoic leanings consider working or volunteering at a high risk treatment facility for teenagers. Wisdom deserves sharing. Dare to stir the sounds of silence.
If you have a Bible nearby, I encourage you to read it every day. At the beginning it is a chore, but it has the power to transform your life and become the best part of the day. (I know it sounds insane and dismissive, and it's hard for people with a difficult life to believe in God because of the abhorrent suffering that takes place in the world... but I promise you there have been studies showing the positive impact of reading the Bible 4 days a week.) A retired neurosurgeon gave me that same advice while I was in college struggling with suicide. I thought it was curious that an expert on the human brain would suggest that I attempt to get closer to God before any other kind of treatment. It ended up being lifesaving advice that my brain did not develop a chemical tolerance to. It would be utterly selfish of me to read of your heartbreak and not pass it on.
I allways dreamed to be a mother and a homemaker, while everyone pushed me to do other, "more important" things. Nothing more important than a family. Love to be a mom and proud of who I am.
Being a mom is one of the most important "jobs" in human history or parents you shape the future world more and more the school system and phones are shaping are children they want a community to take care of children no father no mother no siblings no family no individuals. The family unit mother, father and family are the most important thing for a successful country and healthy relationships which brings happiness, joy and meaning in life I wish more people were like you and your family.
I gave up a career as a chef and work overnight as a warehouse so I can fully attend to my children during the day. My husband does a tone too. We've made sacrifices of our time to build a comfortable life and to raise good people but it is hard.
This Dr. is 💯 on!! I believe that if as adults especially as parents if we don’t deal with our problems they will bleed on to our children. I thought I was there for my children and after hearing my 20+ yr old children and this Dr. I know I wasn’t there enough. 😭😭😭 with divorce and having to work it definitely was extremely difficult 😞 😞 the one thing I know I did was stay home for at least 1 yr before I went back to work. I loved those moments with my kids absolutely bonding and beautiful.
What would really help is an economy that supports 1 parent working making enough for the 2nd parent to stay home with the kids. Also, we need to find a way to foster a sense of community with our neighbors.
Really great conversation and insights. She is right that there is so much pressure in life that parent's experience themselves so it's not at all surprising that parents project their own anxiety on to their kids n even grown kids. She is right that it usually comes from a good place. Most parents want the best for their kids and certainly want to help them avoid the mistakes they may have made especially given that life in the past 20 years especially the past 10 can be very unforgiving. That said whether spoken or not in the back of their mind too many parents are also competing with friends, neighbors and relatives especially those who have a heavy social media presence and at some point it goes beyond the car,the house,the spouse n all things related to them and more about what achievements their kids have reached. As a middle aged woman without kids I can't help but notice when I meet people even people I'm never going to see again but perhaps we stuck up a little conversation while walking our dogs or at the supermarket or in a pt job etc how quick they tell me what their kids do for a living and they always say it in this very proud way. They never mention whether they are married or with kids or that they're a really great person,funny,smart,kind etc. Now there are.plenty of people who don't mention anything about their grown kids as it's not overly.germane to the conversation and never quite sure if these people are more secure n don't feel the need to or do their kids not have the kinds of jobs they feel they can brag about. The fact that so many people have not had the luxury of being able to stay at home to raise their kids is a huge problem. Some people probably could financially or at least a little bit longer but either not willing to sacrifice financially and still want the nice.cars.n annual expensive vacations etc but I think with so many people seeing marriage as not necessarily a guarantee for life women in particular are hedging their bets and not always going all in. They already spent a great deal of money on an education and now what they shouldn't use it only a few years later? What exactly is the point then? If you have 2-3 kids spaced out over 5-7 years, you would be out of the workplace for nearly 10 years. With the rapid advancements in technology you'd be a dinosaur and difficult to re enter the job market and that's if they even got the full 10 years. Many people are divorced before the kids are even 10 and the woman is forced to go back to work and still usually the primary custodial parent. For people with family nearby who can help out regularly or at least on occasion this can help at least but many people don't have this luxury. People today far less likely to live in there hometowns or even states n this is especially true for college educated people. Also many parents/grandparents also move for financial reasons especially if they had their own kids little later in life and now retired n on fixed income. Multi generational housing is a great thing for people who can do it but communication and healthy boundaries are so necessary as it can easily blow up and lead to fractured families.
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Ask her how she views the genius Children who at age 7, 8, 9 and hgher play perfectly the Tchaikovsky violin concerto and other concertos, from memory.
I guess its healthy...because they seem like they enjoy it though, or whther therese kids are missing something in childhood.
Listening to this interview made me think wooow! This lady is really intelligent and sharp and can communicate her understanding and beliefs effectively. Glad to hear truthful conversation. Thank you both. 🇹🇹🙏
The 😊
My family guilt trips me for not having a career and tend to treat me like I have free time - I should accommodate them, because I don’t work. I have a 3yr old and a newborn with a degree as a psychotherapist. I myself had anxiety, depression, phobias and so forth as a child. I don’t want this for my children. I’m very fortunate and grateful that I can stay home for my children at least in the very young years. I just shake my head at how little even very educated people understand child development.
You are doing the most important work any human can ever do. Your family is confused even if, I assume, they have the absolute best of intentions. Being a mother is being a creator and a servant leader in the most beautiful and powerful way possibly. Cherish it. And find the strength to roll your eyes at your family’s silly, childish confusion.
Being a stay at home mom is the most important work you could possibly do. I have a masters degree in mental health counseling and BECAUSE of it I chose to stay home with my child. You are making use of your degree every second of the day, how beautiful. I also wonder how people without this knowledge go about doing this all consuming difficult work😅
You are doing right. I promise! My daughter is now 21 and no drugs no alcohol nothing. Totally worth it. And if money becomes an issue you can always provide online mental health care when they are in school or even asleep for the night. There's ways to make it work where you don't go without and your kids don't either. But the kids should def come first. Don't trust them with public schools either. Charter school is where it's at. 15 kids. Reading at kinder. Parents required to be involved. And free.
@@DadSavesAmericaI love your comment.
I have had similar experiences as a nurse. My old coworkers think I’m insane, my family thinks I wasted money on my education, and often I find the only people building me up for choosing to be a homemaker are on the internet.
Nevermind the fact that my child is wildly healthy, has never had to take antibiotics, eats fresh meals every day, and plays outside every day…
I guess in their minds I should be taking care of strangers?
My advise as a mom of two is don’t listen to the authorities - every suggestion/demand is the opposite of what you should do naturally as a loving parent. Keep your babies with you, next to you, on you, as much as they want it. They’ll naturally on their own feel safe enough to be independent. Pushing someone away will make them clingy.
Right. ❤ When they are little. But also if you need time, take some reasonably. Most kids will naturally want to explore.
My mother pushed my dad away pushed me away, then would randomly expect me to see her as my diety. (Narcissist) It worked. I was extremely co-dependent.
I remember being sort of excited to to go 6th grade camp because my friends were excited to go.
My mom asked me why I thought I would be going? Why would I want to do that did I *really* want to be away from her for two weeks??! (Ironic since much younger she was fine sending me to girl scouts for a week at a time and off to relatives for several days). But she said we could instead go to the mountains just me and her. She just wanted someone to do that with. TBH it was one of the best times we had though I hardly saw her during the trip. Lol
But I grew up as a push over, even when I thought I was rebellious I actually was just letting others decide things for me and accepting abuse.
It's society and the public schools as much as my mom and etc. If you send your kids to public school you're not the main caretaker anyway....that's just reality. I was raised by the school system and my peers, my grandparents next, my mom least but she took all the credit for good and it was "who raised you?!!" When something bad LOL At least I am grateful I *wasn't* raised by her since she is toxic.
But my husband and I have worked hard to stop the cycle of trauma we both went through. It's been a learning experience, we started as liberals sending our kid to public preschool and myself looking into a job while I studied at college....and now I am extremely grateful to be a full time mommy and homeschooler! ❤ And my husband helps too! Like today. 😊
@@ari3lz3pp
Yes! Homeschool is the way to go. ❤️
Most well-researched authorities on attachment theory will absolutely support everything you suggest here. 🙏
Idk my mom kept me close when I was little but then my dad would abandon me in the swamps with a single shot 20 ga and 3 shells for a whole day sometimes and I don't mean the side of road either my uncle let me take the john boat out totally alone into ocean and mangroves now I never panic when I'm alone even in the most brutal environments so there is something to be said for letting kids wander the wastes.
@@BlorkTDork
Starting at what age?
My husband and I decided that no matter what we’d keep our kids home. We paid off all our debt prior to our first, bought reasonable cars and don’t get to buy everything we want when we want it. But we made it work on a small amount of income. If you want it, you make it work. If you don’t, you’ll just make excuses and then criticize people like Erica who tell the truth about what parents are doing.
If you’re doing things right and not making choices based on fear or selfishness, you have nothing to be offended by.
And to all the women and mothers, I will never regret the time I’ve sacrificed for my children. There is nothing more meaningful in my life as a woman and mother as holding my kids who loving run to embrace me every morning when they wake up. Sacrifice for your children and you won’t never regret the outcome.
Right! I became and RN so I could work 3 days and be off 4. They went with family and then small private at home day care with ppl we still have a relationship with to this day.
Amen!!! ❤ It's very heart breaking how many excuses are made.
There are funds in the public school district from our taxes for donating to homeschool families and even old school materials. If they are willing. 🙄 Usually it's if your child participates in the system with sports etc which I rather my kid wasn't involved with at all.
There are co-ops for home-school/ groups and charter schools and private is an option, especially if you can get a grant/scholarship. ❤
IMO home-school is ideal. It's what the vast majority of children have been through throughout history. (Yes in loose terms LOL😅) But really we have more resources than ever to teach our children ourselves and to do oceans better than the public schools do. No doubt.
They deserve full time parenting from a committed loved one. ❤
@Dunbar_Dynamics ❤ That's awesome. You puzzle-pieced it together. So many people seem to not understand/don't care enough....that there are many ways to make it work. Kids don't need to be in public school in 99% of cases.
Don't forget if you have the time; you can attend school district meetings for sake of the community/your kid's peers...it's your tax money that funds the schools even when your child doesn't use them. 😢 We all have a voice! 🎉
You are completely correct! My husband and I graduated from nursing school with a bachelors of science and tons of student loan debts. We lived on one income as newlyweds and paid our $130k in loans off and bought a little house. Kept driving our high school/college cars until our early 30s. Once the student loans were hammered we had our son 13yrs ago, I stayed at home with him, and have always homeschooled. He is a wonderful, smart, well adjusted, mature 13yr old and will be ready to take college classes a year or two sooner as we are ahead of schedule. When you make a middle class income, the second job is lost to taxes, time, daycare, and extra expenses. Not only is staying at home good for the children, it keeps a marriage going too with more time for romance. We found it less stressful than pre-kids when we both worked full time. We have been married 17yrs now, and married at 22yrs/25yrs old.
**The system lies to parents because they don't care for you. They care about generating tax livestock to be wage slaves that cannot critically think. Separating husband and wife helps them get to the kids easier as they become more vulnerable. Two parents is a much better hedge to protect and give what is needed to the children.
@@jercasgavyup ❤
I worked at a daycare with several hundred children aged 2-5 years old.
It was one of the most heartbreaking experiences I’ve ever had!
We were way understaffed. I was immediately put in charge of 30 preschool aged children. (I was right out of high school)
They were dropped off from as early as 6am and picked up as late as 7pm
We weren’t allowed to touch the kids. No hands held, no hugs, no picking them up. It didn’t matter if they fell and got hurt and/or cried about anything!
I had grown up with 7 younger siblings and I loved babies/toddlers and I think that’s why I was really good with them. It felt natural to me.
I started ignoring the rules when kids skinned their knees, cried for mom, etc. I would hug them. I would hold their hands for a bit. I comforted them and played with them and laughed with them. Like I was their big sister. I strongly resisted the idea that they were not to be physically touched or given affection. It’s not natural!💔
Imagine getting dropped off and picked up 12 hours later and eating dinner and going straight to sleep, next day, repeat. So you see your own parents about an HOUR per day. And Zero physical touch or care?!
I got caught several times and got yelled at. I had to sneak giving LOVE to babies!
Pretty soon, every morning when I walked into the playroom, my name was yelled “miss Nolly! miss Nolly!” (my nickname) and I’m not lying, 50+ kids would run to me, so excited to see me! 😭💔 I was like a queen around there!
They didn’t do that to any other staff. (I felt embarrassed, I just Knew it was trouble!) but I also loved those kids so much!
Well the owner didn’t like me. She didn’t like the kids either, it was obvious. (Money, money)
I worked there about 4, 5 months before she ‘let me go’ because I’d asked for time off for two doctor appointments. But I knew the real reason. She couldn’t take the risk with me I guess.
Anyway, I was really really sad to leave those beautiful kids and really sad that I was leaving Them! I had lots of mixed feelings, but I couldn’t change a thing!
A couple months after I was done working there, I bumped into an old co worker. She told me that after I left, all of the kids asked about ’miss Nolly’ for weeks and several cried for me. There was one little boy who cried for weeks! Asking where I went!😭
I was depressed for months, thinking about those poor babies who desperately needed love and care! And because the owner was scared of despicable things (maybe she had a bad experience with an employee idk) hundreds of kids, year after year after year went without tlc and physical contact!!
I was raised by a stay at home mom, and I planned on doing the same. (And I Did stay at home with my own)
But seeing the damage and Need for love and affection in those little human beings killed me, and I’ve never forgotten those kids. I think about them, hope they are all okay. I know what psychological impacts that had on those children now. And I knew it then.
And I have Never understood WHY that is so Acceptable and Normal in our country?!? 💔
To give our most PRECIOUS things in life to pure strangers to RAISE them??!
Please all of you mamas! Raise your own babies!!
This is so heartbreaking, makes me want to vomit. Please if you can’t take care of your own kids, if you can’t be there- don’t have any!!!
I had same experience in Switzerland. I went for a trail day in a place where I left feeling depressive. I chose another one and I was mistreated because I was "too affectionate " to children. I couldn't do it anymore. Life has changed and by working people can afford things they didn't had in the past but those things aren't really needed it and we are creating a world full of children whom in few years will be people with massive attachment problems, massive emotional problems which of course will be sorted with the "help" of pharmacy industry. Parents want to be parents, but they don't want to do the job of parenting. And those who don't dare at all treat animals as if they were infants. Honestly, so many life facilities are only creating more damage to what a real human being is or should be. Someone connected to themselves and, therefore, being able to connect with others. It's a sad scenario.
In my early 20s, I worked in the most expensive daycare and preschool in a very wealthy area in California. Parents would drop off at six in the morning and pick up at 6:30 at night. At one point I was told to stop caring for a little baby who was there because he had grown attached to me and would cry when he had to leave at night with his mother. So the administration made rules about holding babies and comforting babies in the infant room. I will never forget it. It was incredibly painful to watch this little guy sobbing and reaching up for me, and me being told I couldn’t pick him up. The experience informed how I chose to parent my own kids when I had them it is worth every penny I don’t make being a stay at home homeschooling mom to get to be with my kids.
Oh my gosh, this hurts my mama heart. Positive touch is critical for young children’s emotional regulation and grounding. They literally feel like they’re in a deep, pressurized airplane cabin, like the air is being sucked out and they can’t have a solid place to be. They need positive touch. This is just excruciating to hear. I pray the Lord will comfort them and supernaturally heal their hearts.
@nothankyou2614
There are old studies that show babies LITERALLY DIE without touch. They will become so depressed/anxious they will refuse to eat, sleep, and eventually cry so much they just stop, and then eventually die.
It becomes so obvious in cases like this that it is torture. Straight up. This is child abuse, and those babies need their parents (or at least someone to hold them).
Can we please get this woman in a political office to make actual change happen. She is such a blessing to this broken world
My thoughts exactly . We need the world to know all of this, so we can all become better!!
I spent 25 years in the autism spectrum kids communities. There was good discussion that never became main stream about women being highly stressed during pregnancy. Several doctors felt that high stress while pregnant resulted in the child being born highly stressed and highly sensitive from the get-go. I would like to hear more discussion about this. I know so many women who continued in their highly stressful jobs right up until birth time-made even worse, because most are not physically well at the end anyway. We almost treat pregnancy like it is nothing.
I'm autistic and my mom was in heaven when pregnant. She used to brag about it and how she bullied me about my pregnancy which was highly stressful. My child is severely ASD. But also had a severely stressful childhood. I think it all contributes to symptoms but it's likely genetic.
Since we started to homeschool and not bother with the scheduling and rate race of the system we have been doing immensely better.
Stress contributes to disease and many psychological symptoms etc. For everyone. So it's not suprising.
That's why I caught myself stressing at the start of the scamdemic - I have auto immune issues and was worried with a special needs child that literally had a habit of licking the bottoms of shoes at the time, railings etc. and wouldn't wear a mask.
Well I realized the chemicals I was using to clean and the stress were going to kill me faster.
I let go, I started to actually look into what chemicals were in my hygiene products, food, the home and car.... can't get away from them all when not wealthy but can do a lot. PEG (which was also in a vaccine of theirs), endochrine disruptors in the face masks if not organic cotton or genuine silk), soy and lavender even....in so much today. I stopped wearing make up that wasn't natural and I rarely wear make up at all. I feel a lot better.
We work on stress management and during the pandemic we went to parks and stores and etc and only wore a mask when enforced. We lived life.
I was going to rush to get the vaccine too, But I had not only studied nursing but also pharmacology and pharmacy history. I knew that the first line of most drugs even vaccines are tested on the public more than they are ever tested in a lab. Discovering my sensitivities to different chemicals I decided that I would be waiting. As time went on I was villanized for stopping to think. It was creepy so it turned me off to vaccines at all until this year.
We didn't get flu shots a COVId shot etc and we didn't seem to get COVID until late 2021. It was like a bad flu for three days. That was miraculous for me, it hit me a bit harder than family but even a cold virus in the past would've left me sick for weeks.
So a lot of it has to do with the chemicals in our lives, even natural endochrine disruptors (look at how common processed food has become in only a few generations, and soy is now in so many different products You have to pay a good amount of money most times to get things that are claimed soy-free....) AND stress of course.
Wym Hoff with his legendary immune system is all about managing stress and appreciating what is natural. I don't agree with everything he says but he's onto something there.
My family still gets less sick than most, and my child does way better if we get into a cold pool also. Neighbors think we are crazy but we love swimming in the winter. ❄️
We aren't in the rat race, we found Jesus about 6 years ago and that's helped in every way, but in a non-religious way, that's probably also due to how the Bible is much about managing stress and one's emotions, and health.
My child and I still have symptoms of ASD of course. But it's nothing like it used to be most times. ❤
I recently got a tetanus shot after years of nothing. It triggered my mono and IDK if something else too, but I've been having more intense ASD symptoms as well as been more sick in general the month since. I was put on antibiotics for the Mono by mistake so that definitely didn't help. But I'm working my way back to better health. I had major inflammation before the antibiotics after the shot. And many in my life warned me not to get it. 🙈 Even the doctor was apprehensive in behavior but said it's a good idea also "just in case". I hope this somehow helps you! ❤ שלום
Autism is genetic, stop villifying us.
It really struck a chord when you said we treat pregnancy like it's nothing. I think motherhood is also treated like it's nothing! Get back in the office - now! No thanks...
@@ari3lz3ppgood for you.
As a child , when in a group of people where a pregnant woman was present I would often hear my grandmother or the other older women say “ Don’t scare her, you’ll mark that child”. 3 months before I became pregnant with my 1st child my husband and I were following behind his mom,dad,sister,brother and brother in law when they were hit and killed by a drunk driver. 7 people were dead at the scene. My daughter was born and has struggled with anxiety and uncontrollable crying over potential loss on an almost daily basis. She has her Masters in anatomy and physiology and biology and studies epigenetics. Which is basically what my grandmother was saying all along.
So well spoken. I have followed this type of parenting at a huge sacrifice financially, but the product is 4 amazing emotionally strong young men which is the next generation. And that was worth the sacrifice. Becoming a parent means doing everything for your children. Thank you.
Beautiful said, great job mama!
“Whenever the child has an issue, it’s the parent that has the issue” This is Psychology in a nutshell!
Unless the child is a psychopath... 😮
@@theinnerlight8016Ok troll. Children don't inherit psychopathy out of thin air. It comes from parents.
@@mr.r2362 That is sociopathy. Read a book.
@@theinnerlight8016you are both correct even if just on technicality 😃
@@ivan_says_hi God bless you Ivan 😂
I will never regret pulling out of workforce to be a SAHM. It’s been the biggest gift to my child and me. Such a gift. Forever grateful that my spouse provided for this. We need to get back to extended family model and broader community.
Very privileged POV. So don't brag
@@noire9601She said it’s a gift and she’s forever grateful for what she’s able to do. Just because you’re envious doesn’t mean somebody’s bragging. And don’t assume it’s “privilege”. Most people have to make sacrifices to make it happen, and not everyone is cut out for that.
@@noire9601 sacrificing her income and professional endeavors to be able to care for her home and children is to be praised not denigrated. Using righteousness to condemn sacrifice in the name of “social justice” is peak cognitive dissonance. 😂
@@CorneliusWellingtonIIIWell said Sir 👏🏽
AMEN!
I'm a pregnant woman who worked in daycares for 8 years. They wanted to be called early childhood education, not daycare. But it it is what it is. The amount of behavior problems in such young children is astounding. We had many trainings on biting. Many trainings on problem behaviors. But put a 12 month old in a room with 13 other kids and two adults and expect them not to eat or be eaten. It's insanity.
Seriously. Not only the numbers but honestly daycare was meant for desperate poor people. Not everyone. Parents should be PARENTING LOL Go figure. 😢 It's sad how often we have been brainwashed to play "mommy going to work *kiss kiss* be good!" When kids deserve full time parenting from loved ones close to them. Not a stranger. Not denying your work ethic or care for these kids....but it's not the same! Or shouldn't be.
I have my girls in a montesori day care. It is great. However, being aware of these things I still had to do it bc I had tonfind work (and it turns out no one hires you with a such a strict schedule especially since kids get sick so often). They base their work around reaching milestones and they don't pressure us as parents but I feel as if the kids are being made to hit milestones before they are ready...at the same time, they do go with what the child wants.
Hopefully by next school year I am settle in a work from home and won't need to send them. Though I am grateful bc it is montesori and I do not pay for anything. The teachers are awsome
And no, they don't have that problem with bitting and the likes. The kids have a lot of things that keep them busy.
Yeah that’s cause they belong at home with their mothers. It’s a shame that we shove our kids into the arms of strangers and then are surprised at the outcome.
100%. State certified lead preschool and infant/toddler teacher here. What I saw in group care convinced me I would NEVER put my own child in a large group setting under 3. Kids and adults are getting traumatized by student-teacher ratios that are the bare minimum to keep your child alive, not anywhere near what is needed for healthy development. And we were taught to hide it from the parents. It’s so messed up that people think it’s normal to leave kids under 3 in large group care for 8 hours a day 5 days a week. You are literally asking for emotional and behavioral problems that could have lifelong impact for some children.
I LOVED staying home with my children. I also love being able to be there for my teenagers when they need me. High school is hard enough. Being able to come home and vent to or celebrate with a parent is so important.
Aren't they in Homeschool if you're at home anyway??????
@@ari3lz3pp my children go to public school.
Yes, being there for your kids at any age is important. Our role changes but even as teenagers and adults we need someone that has our back and parents help to lighten the load of life where they can.
Those teenage years are very important they are going through major transitions where they really need you good job momma
@@CrazyLadybug thank you. 😊
Almost never comment on videos. Father of 5 children. Tremendous interview. Helpful, challenging, encouraging. Bravo to you for the great interview - no easy feat. And bravo to Erica for accumulating and sharing her hard-earned expertise in this field.
Thank you for this encouraging comment! I really appreciate it. My goal is always to try to have these shows be as enriching to viewers as possible. This makes my week!!!
@DadSavesAmerica Sigmund Freud was a creep, himself and the fact people study this guy makes me sick 😫 he had his own mental illness!
I had a stressful childhood. I was deprived of the right kinds of hardships, and given all of the wrong ones. My parents dumped the burden of all their stuff on me. Left me limping through life.
I pray you break the cycle and find peace and joy!
@@lilafeldman8630 I know it’s incredibly difficult, but stay away from thoughts that victimize you. Your thoughts become your actions, your reality!
You are so strong! What you’ve suffered has only made you Stronger!! Think about it.. you were a child. And you made it out to the other side with your soul intact, right!?
You are capable of anything!
But our biggest enemy is our own self!
Lots of love ❤️
Felt. I hope you find peace in your own life.
This. All of this. I'm coming to convinced my stressful childhood gave me immune system cancer at 25. No one on either side of their familys had Hodgkins Lymphoma. Bad parenting literally made me sick.
Man I am so scared because my family is as anti-hugs, anti-love in general. I hug my boy every single time I see him crying or reaching for me but this is hard because by the one year mark I have to go back to work my 9-5. I am worried because I am anxious due to never having a secure loving mom my whole life. I don't blame her but after watching this episode I am scared AF.
Fascinating video. I am 42 and I had great parents and family. We had our disfunction, just like every family I think. Problem was I went through sexual abuse by a male gay babysitter (not family) and that triggered Bipolar disorder which had me hospitalized for a psychotic break when I was 25. I had dropped out of college because of my mental health. I was made by society that had pushed the message that "you'll be nothing and will be an absolute failure without a college degree. It is the ONLY path" to feel that way. I also have ADHD and that also has made me a complete failure in societies mind (and my mind), and the literal only thing I can remember from 1st grade is my teacher screaming at me for daydreaming and humiliating me. Thankfully I had loving parents and a very loving brother who helped me get my life together. If I hadn't had their support I probably would have caved to societies pressure and killed myself so I wasn't a burden to society. I recovered from Bipolar disorder, but it wasn't until 21 years had passed that I had told anyone about the sexual abuse that I even got diagnosed and began to do so. I been stable for years but I need to do more work on myself. Even though I am doing fine in life, really good actually, I still feel like a complete absolute loser because I didn't finish college. Then I have people tell me bullshit like "college isn't for everybody" which makes me feel even worse about myself.
Nice channel I have subscribed. Thanks for the reassurance that this isn't all my fault.
You can go back to college at anytime. Go at your pace. You can take part time classes if you’d like or take full time classes if your schedule allows it.
Our value doesn’t depend on our education level. One day, I decided that my opinion of myself matters most, and since then, I’ve cared much less about what others say. Don’t waste your life trying to please others. Do what brings you peace and joy. 😇
Sorry for my English-
What a horrifying experience you have lived through.
Whether you have a college degree or not, that does not
define who you are as a person.
I am so glad that you are here today.♥️ * hugs*
I could not leave my baby and go back to work. I made huge financial sacrifices to stay home and be a Mom. Motherhood is the best and most fulfilling job I've ever had!
This!🎉
My mom told me when I was pregnant and planning to stay home full-time that I would need a job because I would hate looking after babies and being "only" a mom. If that doesn't sum up how she felt about us kids I don't know what else will! We always felt like a burden and uninteresting compared to her work.
I will not be leaving my children with the same feeling of not being enough.
I feel sorry for your mom and grateful that you’ve got more appreciation for what truly matters in life. Nobody lies on their death bed wishing they had worked more.
I feel sorry for her too and try to encourage her because it's clear she has so much doubt and anxiety about being a mom even now. That generation had a really tough time of it, the women being told being a mom was worthless and they should work, yet having to fight their instincts every step if the way and feeling not good enough no matter what they did.
Thanks for your content! ❤️
@@katieociardha2196or might be that mom actually didn't want to be a mom. The problem can be the opposite, she didn't know what truly matters in life for her, and probably it was growing and exploring, pursuing her own goals and freedom.
It's sad for both, the mom and the daughter but I am happy the daughter actually is happy to be a mom. ❤
Both options are great as long as you do what you really feel
Story of my life. When I got pregnant, my mom started posting passive aggressive memes on Facebook about how women became slaves to their baby and family 🤦♀️ . I do not view caring for family as slavery but apparently she finds it relatable. I too always felt like a burden and unloved to my parents
This is on my mind as well. I don’t have kids yet but I have an intrinsic disgust of the thought of dropping off a baby to a stranger
Trust that instinct and don’t let anyone shame you for it. Don’t marry a man who isn’t on board with being the provider.
The bond between mother and child ❤️ is incredibly important! It's also very important for children to bond with their fathers! Children learn special life skills from each parent! It's not natural to leave a little baby you brought into the world with strangers!
Being protective of a baby is our duty! It's our natural instincts coming out our natural Mama 🐻 bear mode!
Our roles in the world are forcing families out of their natural roles in life, due to the high cost of living!
In the 50's Mother's, we're forced out of motherhood purposely!
It has led us to where we are , Children have more issues than we can count today because of it!
Our Mother's teach us how to love ❤️ and care for other people!
Young people are not as well rounded , they don't have good self-esteem, and they're inwardly selfish these days! Not all of course, but it's changed so much now that everyone is noticing it!
As a result of Mother's being out of the home, our entire society has changed and not for the better!
You are on the right ✅️ track, motherhood is the greatest job we can do to promote a healthy happy society. I feel heart broken 💔 for children that have been adopted by same sex couples, that place no importance on motherhood at all and these children from sergeants are literally forced to go against the natural life order of things. Children are intelligent and will feel cheated not having their Mom.
You don't drop them off you have the babysitter, a babysitter that you should know very well, stay at your house.
@@stardustgirl2904 Same sex couples are also good parents. You're missing the point here. The most important message is that every child should be raised in a loving, caring, empathetic, supportive, respectful and nuturing environment.
It doesn't matter the sexual orientation of a person, or if the family unit consists of the stereotypical image of what parents should look like or not, or if they are the biological parents or not. What matters is that the child grows up in a stable home and that they are loved unconditionally.
I feel sorry for the children and teens that are not adopted at all and that have to live their lives without growing up in a loving family. This type of situation can damage a child, definitely not the opposite.
It makes me really sad when people say hurtful and untrue comments such as this. Let's not forget that a child who is loved is going to perpetuate that love and become a mentally and physically healthy young adult. Let's also not use this platform to spread confusion and hate, the world unfortunately has more than enough of that already.
No matter what, everybody, young and old, needs and wants to be loved. After all, this is what keeps us moving forward, and most importantely, this is what makes us human.
I’m listening to this while coloring with my two year old. She’s going to be ok. I’m 50 years old and still trying to figure it out. “Self awareness is the key” 🤜 🤛
In this day and age most parents don't have a choice and have to work to put food on the table. I had to go back to work when my baby was 10 months old. My husband was trying to find work after being made redundant. It was a heart wrenching time for all of us. We made a choice to cosleep with our baby. We cuddled her throughout the night. She is a very happy 8 year old now.
We are mentally exhausted after a slave day at work. Cannot play dollies with her but over weekend, holidays, and vacations it is all about us as a family.
Modern day living is not easy, especially when you are on your own. Would I stop working to be a stay home mum ? In a blink of an eye. Alas! Most of us are getting by just with 2 people working. We try our best and I can only hope our daughter grows up to understand we did our best. She loves us to the moon and back and she is the center of our universe
Both of my parents worked when I was a child, and I can honestly say, it wasn't the quantity that mattered, but the quality of our interactions. My best friend had her mom at home full time, but she was strict, and emotionally illiterate.
Two hours of quality time with my mom in the evening were more than enough. On the other hand, I was naturally a very independent child (only child) and liked playing alone a lot.
Yes to both of these comments! My husband and I both work full time. We thankfully work opposite shifts so he's with our LO in the morning when I leave for work and I'm there in the evening. In between our shifts our moms watch him. But I had to leave my son just before the 6 month mark and that sucked. We also co-sleep and make the most of our time together on weekends and weekdays when we are home. ❤
This interview lists the issues that are seen cognitively in children and why this happens. But it demonized mother's who don't stay at home (many can't and the number that can't is growing) and schools that have funding cut for the very things they advise for. The reasons this is happening are societal issues. We care less about education and families (especially mothers). All we care about is $
This was my exact situation I had no choice but to work I would rather her not see me most of the day than to be homeless. She is 5 years old now we have a strong bond. I just make the little time I am with her count. She is very independent and quick to learn. She makes friends with no problem she is also socially awkward she didn’t get much interaction with the outside world between the pandemic and me working a lot but that is changing slowly. I chose to not have another one cause I don’t want to go back to work 6 weeks after birth.
@@cpasilla227
The fruits of feminism.
In light of this conversation it’s baffling to think that we think of parenting as ending at 18 and only starting up again (with enjoying only the good parts) in grand-parenting. I could only hope my children have the confidence in their parents to seek guidance, advice, perspective, etc when they become adults.
My husband and I have been living on one income since 2016. I’m now pregnant and am very glad I can continue being here for our future daughter as a SAHM.
I raised two children I adopted from foster care. I tried for 11 years to get help for them. I told everyone that would listen that they have attachment disorder. All I got was “that’s so rare”. No one helped them. 3 years of talk therapy where they learned to manipulate and triangulate. Something needs to change.
I've worked in the foster care system. 'Group homes' (STRTP's if you're in California) only contribute to the disordered attachments. I cannot draw to mind one successful placement in the 3 years I worked with foster youth. There was no trauma work, no EMDR, no psychoanalysis. Only CBT/DBT and man, did they teach the kids how to work the system/ other people effectively. I firmly believe the dysfunction you and I witnessed is one of the most significant causes of the current homelessness and addiction epidemic. Something absolutely needs to change
my
Not rare. It’s not just happening in kids being adopted from foreign countries. Don’t let them, hate this term but it applies, gaslight you. Parents who suspect this must Be the squeaky wheel. Don’t stop until you get the grease of support and discussion about what is actually happening!!!!!
Rob Henderson talks about this in his book “Troubled,” and its scary the constant stress he was under in group homes.
Not sure if they’re still with you presently, but this link below is a wonderful resource. I work as a family therapist specializing in attachment. Bryan Post has practical, grounded application of attachment repair. God bless.
youtube.com/@postinstitute?feature=shared
Erica Komisar and Gabor Mate are the biggest discoveries of my life. Thank you for speaking about these topics loudly and clearly!
This was very eye opening as a newer father. My wife and I are balancing someone always being with our child. Trying to balance because we do need two incomes. So one of us is working off hours while the other isn’t. It’s a challenge but we have such a happy boy.
I want to applaud 👏 you and your wife! ❤Loving your child is the greatest joy that you both share in and it brings you both closer together ❤️ in your marriage! I have been married 32 years and had four children under the age of 7 I was a busy mom. I stayed home with alk of them ,it was hard but we mad we it through! Their all grown adults they love and respect us, and ❤we loved them as much as possible! And taking them to church made them the best people every! They play piano 🎹 and I highly recommend playing a musical instrument like piano, they have self accomplishments and that alone helps with self esteem! You and your wife are doing great you are loving your child and your being present in your child's life 🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉I'm so happy for your family! 🙏🏻✨️
This interview is the most accurate meta analysis I have heard to date. I’m in the research of adolescent suicide and every thing she has talked about is in the 11 thousand hours of my study. I can also say based on that research, including the sensitivity gene & preadolescent children (13&14 year olds) the number 1 cause of death is suicide. Emotional development is overlooked for academics. It’s in the data. Middle School is now a dangerous place for many children.
Thank you for this interview! I am a stay at home mom to my 4 incredible children under age 4. Its amazing and also so hard some days. These types videos really help reassure me on the days I am doubting myself or have been getting an earful from some of my working friends. Thank you!
Just tell them the cost of daycare for 4 under 4 lol. I have 3 under 3 and I empathize, people are insecure and selfish
A word of advice, they are not actually your "friends"
I kept my 2 children very close to me when they were infants and toddlers. Literally right up to 6 and 7 years old. As a result, my daughters are incredibly strong and confident young women.
I need this entire lecture on paper. Beautiful solutions that would make the most upward change in a society that is malnutritioned in this kind of nurturing care. Oh, how I wish there was more support in the raising of our children. In fact, I wish I had this support as a child. Being raised in this ineffective system really is showing in our society that I am 100% a part of. Mental illness has been my struggle for most of my life and the consequences I struggle with as an adult is painstaking, especially now as a mother to a son. Thanks to Erica Kimosar, I have been able to be more proactive in my efforts in being not just a more wholesome person, but a mother who is able to be more mentally and emotionally available for my son. I couldn’t be more grateful.
I'm a Mom who is at home. Call it old fashioned. I felt it's my God given calling. It makes me sad to see the Academic pressure on kids in our Country. But I'm hopeful for change and see more Tradeschools in the future. Great interview!!
You’re doing the immeasurably valuable work as a mom! My (and I) are SO LUCKY that my wife chose to stay back and raise him in the early years, I had morning duty, but didn’t get home until 8. It was financially difficult to be one income, but that’s life.
I truly don't see a pressure on children being put on them in school. I see quite the opposite instead. The United States 🇺🇸 is so behind in education it's scary! These overall scores are scary for the future of our nation! We won't be able to compete on a world wide scale if this continues. Many kids can't even read, or do simple math! And some cultures living in America don't care about education because they live in generational Welfare!
It's sad to see these horrible statistics in America! But it's the sad reality .
The message Erica talks about is so important. I encourage everyone to read her first book, and buying a copy for friends or family in your life who are about to become parents. Im a mom to three young kids, and wish I had read this book before my first was born.
I’m a nursery teacher, (and a Waldorf trained kindergarten teacher). I have studied Gabor Mate and attachment theory. Am in full agreement with all your guest said.
I’m also in agreement with Abigail Shrier which would seem like a contradiction.
Would you please have Abigail on your show.
I do believe these two women’s views can be reconciled but with a great deal of nuance, which podcast style can flesh out. And I think you’d be a great one to hold that conversation✨
Love your podcast!
I'm glad to hear your content and your continuing education in listening to interviews like this. You are truly a good teacher if you build your knowledge on such views like this ...as well Gabor Mate who I've been listening to as well a few times.
Waldorf was very traumatizing for me as a child. It places children in boxes. It’s almost like a cult. I actually used the teachings of Gabor Mate to heal my trauma from that school.
I think it all boils down to narcissism. You want to be there for your teens as an emotional touchstone, let them explore without being a helicopter/devouring mother. Having the meaningful conversation by being there but let them try out some confidence.
@@Usernameprivate2023How was Waldorf traumatizing for you? Did you go to a Waldorf school? Was delayed academics not good for you? Were arts being integrated into the curriculum not good for you? Waldorf is supposed to be screen free, nature orientated, and developmentally appropriate education based on the teachings of Rudolph Steiner. That being said, I know sometimes the application of something can be quite far from what it was meant to be originally.
This is so good. Something that I will definitely be implementing in my parenting journey. I know it's not to late for me to make changes in my parenting journey.
I’m a single mom with a one year old and this was very helpful to think about my parenting now and in the future. We went to a splash pad for the first time and she kept going away from me and coming back, but a couple times she would keep on going, then look back and giggle when she saw me coming to get her.
Pay attention if you discover your child is a “ mean girl” or a cruel “ smack talker” to their peers- They may be under their own stress if they’re lashing out at peers to feel better about themselves or accepted by a certain group
A sister of mine was like this in middle school and high school. Our mother was an undiagnosed borderline (we didn't know until recently), and my sister was the main scapegoat. I knew my mom was emotionally unavailable and mean, but I guess I was spared because she was married to my dad, so I was unaware of some stuff happening in the background as the youngest oblivious loner child. It's been about 15 years since she graduated high school, and I finally understand why we both had different yet had severe issues when socializing. An emotionally absent parent (towards me) or one that is outwardly emotionally and verbally abusive (towards my sister) will have a huge influence on a child's behavior in school.
The overachieving mean kids and underachieving/inconsistent loner kids tend to have stressors related to bad parenting. Those both desperately looking for attention or trying to avoid all attention are probably being neglected or abused at home. I can look back and see this in some former classmates as well. It's actually more prevalent than people realize.
What a beautiful discussion to listen to eloquent speakers. I’m relatively new to fatherhood and I’ve learned so much from listening to this. my fiancé and I have made the decision to work opposite schedules so that our children do not have to go to daycare and that we get as much time at home with them . The sacrifices that my fiancé and I don’t have as much time together anymore, but it’s worth knowing that we are helping our children’s developmental stages that’s creating emotionally, intelligent and confident human beings.❤
My husband and I were talking to a neighbor and he was talking about his HS daughter and about how she is taking 6 AP classes this year. He added that she needs to be in the top 10% of her class to get into college. All I could think about was how stressed out that poor child probably is. 😢
@ sara
If the kid is academically excellent, AP classes are not stressful.
@@amandaa3713 the classes might not be stressful for the academically prepared... but the pressure to be in the top 10% "to get into college" is nonsense. I was a very B student, and yet I got into 3 schools (I transfered, then continued my education after graduating)
Some kids are very advanced and need to be challenged at school not to be bored or pick up bad habits. It’s also a way to be in classes with other kids like her who are ambitious. Usually, those kids have also ambitious parents, not surprisingly. Other parents choose to let their kids run around all day and not be stressed and set a very low bar for them. And maybe a low bar is all your kids can achieve in life.
My friends in the academically advanced classes had dramatically divergent outcomes. Some are homeless despite getting into the best colleges in the world, others are multi-millionaires after going to those same schools. I nearly self-combusted in my 20s, when the burnout finally caught up with me. The mental health problems of the academically advanced are quite real.
@@kace999I would agree. In addition I would say the academically advanced often times struggle with a specific area of their life that long term impacts them. For example not being able to cook, or clean, or basic self care. You can have a kid who found the cure to cancer but can't take care of their own health... Its because they taught to value academia over being able to care for themselves.
Glad ppl are getting the message now, but we already raised broken ppl for decades, gonna have to deal with social consequences.
That's why it's so hard for adults to be in the present. They've been there before and it hurt
I knew that after being out in daycares from 3 months of age, then the public school system… even though I have a degree in music education, I realized thankfully before I had children that I could never put them through what I did. Although, ironically, my parents live with my family now. I had hoped it would be a time they could redeem themselves through being around my children and myself… however, their narcissistic self-oriented personalities have only worsened with age. So instead of taking care of three children… I get to take care of 5. I had always planned to take care of my parents in their old age, but I am immensely saddened that my vision of their own healing process and redemption arc will likely not materialize. But I keep on praying.
This is what should be viral ! Great information and video! Thanks
Glad you think so!
Thank you for this. I cried a few times watching this video because of how I was raised and this answers some of the questions I had about my upbringing. Me and my husband want to have kids and it terrifies me that I could replicate my upbringing to my children but I think that fear will help as long as I don't convert it to anxiety and reach out for help when I need it.
I was raised by a narcissistic authoritarian mother who raised me with the help of my grandparents, aunts and uncles, who gave me the love and nurture that I needed. My mom worked the graveyard shift so I really only saw my mom for maybe 3 or 4 hours a day on the weekdays and about 5 or so hours on the weekends but she was rarely ever present. If she interacted with me, it was to discipline me for not getting an A on a test, not having straight A report cards, for the bedroom that I had to share with her was not clean to her standards, made me feel like a burden because of how much she spent on me for necessities like clothes and school supplies, and so on. Because of my mom's expectations of me that I wasn't the daughter she wanted, I didn't care to keep up with my grades that I graduated high school with a 2.6 GPA. She also pressured me so hard to become a nurse so I can financially and medically take care of her that I purposely ruined my chances of getting into any nursing program by failing the pre-requisite classes, which caused me to waste so much time and money. If I had the mental strength I would've left home at an early age to live my life how I wanted to but I didn't so I put up with it until I was about 26 years old, which is when my mom kicked me out because she was fed up with. She contacted me again when she found out that I had graduated college with my bachelor's for something that I chose to do but by then I had already moved a few states away. She tried to talk nice to me to get me to come back home but I refused so we are no longer in contact. My grandparents, aunts and uncles tried to get me to talk to her but I don't see her as my mom anymore than I think she sees me as her daughter since she is considering, in her own words, "adopting a child to replace me". Mentally, I'm a lot healthier after going through a few years of therapy. I'm going back to school for my master's degree and sometimes I get the need to achieve A's or I'll feel like a failure but I constantly remind myself that I don't need an A to prove my self worth.
ADHD has a legitimate genetic component. It's not just from anxiety due to poor parenting. I stayed home with my kids, loved on them, played on the floor with them, did baby-wearing, breastfed, and devoted all my time to them, and they still have ADHD and mild Autism as adults. I love being their mom, and they trust me with their feelings. The thing is, my husband, his father, and his father's father all have/had ADHD, and this was likely passed onto our children. The Freudian idea of the "refrigerator mom" as the cause of ADHD or Autism is passé. I do agree with the premise that we need to refocus our attention on our children's development as parents and as a community, especially in those early years. I don't agree that modern parenting causes ADHD with only small exception as Ms. Komisar stated.
Agreed. There are several people in my life with ADHD. It’s complex. But what makes things so hard now is the over-use of these categories by schools and the victimhood culture creeping into psychology. Challenging times!
Diet, nutritional deficiencies, and heavy metal exposure (preconceptionally, prenataly, from food, water, air, medication), also play a major role in ADHD individuals. Increasing nutrients and a heavy metal detox can really make a huge difference. ❤
Vaccines maybe?
I think genetics, parenting, and environment (toxins in the air, water, food, medicines, education paradigm, etc) all play into it.
So much more processing in food and other factors which have increased in the past decades.... and more and more ADHD, autism, anxiety...😢
Haha yes it is very much genetic for many kids. My son has been hyper since he was in the womb. Now that he’s 9- the excess energy is leveling off somewhat. But he’s always wiggling and tapping and bouncing and crashing… The school did not enjoy him and the feeling was mutual. 😅 So, he learns at home now and is doing awesome.
This is truly the best take on American parenting I have heard. Immigrated here years ago and couldn’t understand why women have so many children and constantly complain how their kids inconvenienced their lives…how can someone raise a child when priority is given to mother’s social life or career climb?!
Everyday I wish I could stay in and bond with my baby. It’s such a blessing to be able to afford being a stay home mom.
I was one of those ADHD kids, on Ritalin, expelled from multiple schools, lots of fight or flight. Though when I share those things now at 41 years old everyone is absolutely shocked. They have no idea that was my past. For my kids, I have worked hard to give them a stable home life, physically and mentally healthy parents in a home. My kids' school experience and childhood has been completely different than mine. Thanks for this interview!
Quite enjoyed this. I think Erica says what everyone knows to be true - parenting or lack there of is responsible for a lot of what we see now and if we only humble ourselves enough to say we need to address our own shortcomings and ourselves then maybe those around us could greatly benefit too.
@@lahmyaj perfectly said! However, the problem is that many if not most, cannot see it, much less admit to their own ignorance and shortcomings
I had fertility issues for years and was a full-time Nanny 20 years. I knew i would not leave my kids in daycare or a nanny. I saw parent after parent spend less than an hour a day except for 2 families. That isn't parenting. When we had my daughter, it was understood i would be home with her. We don't travel or take fancy vacations. We have made sacrifices so we are able to live on my huabands income. Kids need their moms home. I will never regret pouring into my daughter and raising her.
@@ashlieleavelle 💯
As a german cbt therapist I always look at the background of the symptoms. We talk about "schemata" and meta beliefs systems, which were developed in the childhood. That's an important part of therapy here!
Exactly what I thought watching this! (Also a German CBT and trauma therapist).
I have a 6 & 7 y/o. If I could go back in time, if we had money to do so, I would've kept them home.
Absolutely nothing that I did in exchange for a paycheck was worth going back to work.
The six weeks of lockdown, staying home with the kids, were the most stressful but rewarding time I had with my then 2 & 3 y/o's.
It kills me, because I can only gain this appreciation with time and distance.
This is the best interview I've ever seen about the emotional needs of children. Also, such a great explanation of the importance of looking into the past to help us understand our present and future fears. I've been told by a social worker I was seeing, that I ruminate on the past. I knew she didn't understand what I was saying or feeling. Thank you for this. I am a very fear-based person who has lacked strong family attachments throughout my 64 years. I'm always trying to understand why I'm the way I am.
The moment i became pregnant, all i wanted was for my baby to be happy, no matter who he turns out to be , i wanted him to have friends, and a wife, and a family, the goal was always mental happiness
as someone raised in eastern culture i can tell how western psychologists are over-romanticising the way we raise our children, one parent usually stays at home but theres no such thing as emotional bonding. Most of us do not have a secure attachment style once we are adults and due to our culture we are not even allowed to move away from abusive/neglectful parents. We have a huge envy for western kids as they are allowed to do so and eventually heal. For us, therapy is a taboo and even as adults ur not even allowed to buy a dress if ur mom doesnt like the colour, so even when mom stays home, theres no such thing as emotional care.
Sad😢
That's very sad. Honestly abuse from parents is very common in the West too. Most of us don't have secure attachments. That's why we have so many people having inappropriate sexual relationships etc. And the cycle continues until someone works hard to break it! 💪
Abuse is glorified here in media and our legal system. Law enforcement rarely helps and the schools perpetuate the issue. Most kids go to public school which is not healthy.
A young child especially should be supervised by a loving parent most of the day, not a stranger or someone more detached. The understanding in our culture in the USA that mommies go to work and play corporate boss Barbie while their kids are with someone else is terrible. Then the moms start to feel it's popular to say "UGH I have to be with my kids! When is school break over! " Etc even though they hardly spend time with them.
It's akward but I stopped playing that game a while ago. I mistakenly put our first child in preschool for 2 years before we found abuse and have been teaching them since. And before that we rarely had help either.
My oldest is eleven and we have had two nights completely to ourselves, about 9 years ago. We had a handful of nights "alone" (at the caretakers home, we were too poor to live on our own so were with my husband's abusive grandma). So I'd still be the one being told to care for my child through the night if my child was not sleeping.
We had maybe another handful of dates for an hour or two also through the years.
My point; we love time with our kids (most the time 😅) and we are grateful I can stay home with my child. I planned to have a clinical psychology degree but I never continued when I realized how important parenting full time is.
We usually hear moms, that maybe spend 5 hours of quality time with their kids/week if that; complain as an ice-breaker "I'm so sick of my kids! Aren't you just looking forward to school starting again?" It's even in a popular Christmas song.... They send them away when they can, they can't stand them.
My sister in law complains she doesn't know her kids and why they do x/y/z but she doesn't bother to know them. She could be at home.
I have witnessed a lot of child abuse by my cousin, cops and protective services did nothing.
My grandmother worked with those organizations too, doing paperwork but talking with the psychologist etc, and horrific things some parents do. Most of them send their kids to public school too.... because we devalue children in this country and look at them as a burden most often.
So neglect and abuse are common here too. We do at least have traditions being revived from some communities, from the 60s and before that....when more families bonded when they could.
But even in the 50s the split had begun. Lots of socialism and communism was also being pushed in universities at that time, and the ideology of broken families and "sexual freedom" etc. Along side the push for public school k-12. So it's not a coincidence in my eyes.
That’s a different context. You are half way thru in the right direction: you have a parent at home but she’s loveless and/or abusive. I guess this overomantization is just the ideal scenario, but we know the world is far from ideal. After learning more and more about this topic, so far I can conclude that even if you have the best system for raising a child, it’s a matter of sin in the heart of a person. A mother that doesn’t know about her sin and hasn’t had her heart transformed by the love of God (thru Jesus) (NOT religion) will never love others and her children well. A mother whose heart is transformed knows that those children don’t belong to her, but to God who created them (she just receive them), therefore should not manipulate them to do her wishes (this is just Satanic) actually, but to serve, love and educate them. Everything changes when the heart changes. ❤
Spot on@@abcdesara
Thank you for this comment.
I've been stay at home mom of 3 boys for almost 7 years, and I never regret it. I left a career I love and it is the best decision I've ever made. I'm homeschooling now and doing my best to keep them away from the evils, and immoralities are widespread these days.
I am agreement with the therapist. It has enlightened me as a mother and I will implement it in my walk with my little girl.
Whenever a child has an issue, the parent has the issue - so profound and such truth! I discovered how my 3yr old son was just a mircoversion of everything I was and because he hardly interacted with his busy working dad, I formed such a strong attachment that I now had to be mindful of my own childhood trauma and words and interactions and make a mindful effort not to be my worst self in front of my son. The good thing is though that all the good stuff he was imitating as well 🙂
As a single father this is a great podcast, thanks for work you do bro.
We have a 14 month old and I’m so thrilled to be with him every day. I’ve seen every milestone and I see how confident he’s becoming in exploring his environment because he just knows I’m there to go back to. Before I was pregnant, when we discussed having kids, my husband thought of daycare because that’s the norm. When I shared the research with him, we reorganized our lives to make this work. I cannot imagine outsourcing his care for any reason- let alone to make money for a company.
This reminds me of the rice study; where the neglected rice went moldy faster than the rice that received negative critical feedback. The point was neglect is the most harmful.
I always showed that to my students k-2
“It’s not about fault. It’s trying to understand the connections between things.” 26:43
Yes! Parents want to defend themselves while their kids are suffering. We cannot plug our ears to this. It’s about understanding.
Im so glad a friend sent this to me.. i have a 15yo girl and 17yo boy and I've been struggling... i get frustrated trying to communicate with them. This is making so much sense... i wish i can get a redo 😩
You get a redo every day!
I’m so inspired as an educator and mother myself to learn and grow even more. Notepad ready! Thank you for thought-provoking content!
Mom Saves America too!!!
@@DadSavesAmerica🦸♂️🦸♀️
I really think this can be a solution to many problems we face today. Moms need to raise compassionate, strong minded & loving children. This is highly encouraged in Islam. Motherhood is the greatest & most rewarding job a woman can have. And the reward is immense full both in this world & the next. Thank you for such informative interview ❤
I love her perspective. She sounds very simular to Dr. Laura Schlessinger. I've listened to her for decades. Love her!
Thank you for sharing!
I'm a Mom of 2 Young Men! I was PRIVILEGED to be a stay @ home Mom. It's ROLE I NEVER SAW myself doing for a long duration! UNFORTUNATELY the PLAN my husband & I had agreed on , was once both boys go to Middle School, I'll go back to work , study for Bachelor of Nursing Science & do Business Management Courses!
UNFORTUNATELY, I had CANCEL my PLANS & GOALS!, because my older son was diagnosed with autism! So recovering him through Therapies 4 times a week until he was 13 years old was
NOT EASY!
* I Appreciate & Respect Child Free People so much because they've SEEN & some were FORCED to help take care of their younger siblings hat Parenting entails & they DON'T WANT ANYTHING TO DO WITH IT!!
strength to you. raising a child with autism is one of the biggest challenges a parent can deal with.
More nuance on the subject of child rearing. Well done John: the contrast between CBT and psychoanalysis was really interesting. My wife quit her job also when our second was born, and it definitely took a lot to get him to 25. We currently employ a new mom and we are welcoming her son in the work place so they can be together. Thanks again. Blessings
'Childhood isn't supposed to be stressful'.... But schools, society and the culture we live in are incredibly stressful for adults let alone how horrible teenagers can be to one another. Loneliness and lack of community are real.
This video is so impactful and so insightful. Erica Komisar is so intelligent and her work should be highlighted in all institutions that affect children throughout the world, especially here in the U.S. , and to wake up parents and educators on how social emotional development is so critical for children and how parents are directly related in that process. Wow she had so many eye opening statements that made me realize why I am the way I am after going through childhood and adolescence and how I can better parent my son. Truly enlightening and a gift from God 🙏🏼
it’s this society that teaches the parents to let their babies cry themselves to sleep
I was definitely thinking about that listening to this. My first child was so fussy and I’d always soothe her. Dad didn’t think we should but I did.
Sounds perfectly similar to the insane mindset becoming increasingly pervasive, likely brimming over from elitist schools with no connection to real life.
@@Dunbar_Dynamicsyou will find a balance and yes you do need to let them cry themselves to sleep sometimes
@mimiruss8444 no you do not "need to" let them cry themselves to sleep sometimes 🙄 Goodness gracious.
@@mimiruss8444 she’s 10 now 💗
This is my first time listening to this channel. I have listened to various people interview Erica but this is my favourite thus far. Thoughtful questions and lots of time for Erica to explain her knowledge and experience. My children are four and under but the information about adolescence helps me prepare for the future.
Great interview. I have 2 boys and this resonates so much what is being said about toddler and kindergarten boys and kids in general. A must watch!
I love this woman. I try to watch every interview she does. I learn more and more each time. She is my touchstone for remembering to listen to my motherly instincts.
When I became a mom the first thing I noticed was the natural instincts that came with it. In fact, I was pregnant when I first felt them and they grow every day. Intuition goes a long way in parenting I think.
Such an interesting conversation. Erica has strong views - that I mostly agree with and some of them are very hard to swallow. The part I don’t feel as realistic is this idea that women staying home in the olden days used to stand around baking cookies. It seems like a glorification of the past. It is quite a lovely picture she paints - but it doesn’t seem like that was probably happening much. I am working mother, but my child went to care outside of the home when she was 16 months old. And I am able to pick her up basically every day and drop her off and she has reduced hours. (8:30-3:30 m-th & 1/2 day Friday) it really resonates with me how much I think people dismiss children’s feelings. And how much they want things to be convenient for themselves as parents. Having kids is not convenient! And that is why we only have one child - or part of why.
The portion at the end where you discuss how burnt out adolescence are these days. I work in higher education, and it is such a horrible epidemic where students are so exhausted and don’t understand that learning should be an incredible experience. Hopefully there can be some real systemic changes in the coming years.
Absolute fascinating. I loved her thoughts on how parents are running their kids hard to get into college as if it's the end, when it's only the beginning. So many kids I saw straight As in high school just fell flat on their face after college (most get back up)
I really wish this was the information taught in prenatal classes and postpartum classes in addition to the information we want about giving birth.
I do know that when I worked the ER with a Behavioral Medicine facility attached, I always thought that the children were not the ones with the problems but the parents were the ones being inconsistent which made the kids confused and defiant. I am glad she pointed this out.
Thank you for your courage and bravery to share this information for the sake of our children. You’re the best, Dr. Komisar!
Erica Komizar is amazing, such good information!
Society wants women to work and have full careers. I as a woman was trained to excel at school and to find work but was not trained to take care of children and become a mother. It took a lot of relfection and sacrifice to come to the decision to quit working full time and take care of children. Sometimes i regret it but i know i am doing the right thing for our future insyaAllah. I like to listen to Erica as she reminds me that my efforts are not in vain
I have never met a woman yet who said, "I'm so glad I worked full time and sent my kids to day care". Every single one said, "I wish I could have been with them more and worked less".
She is so insightful that I feel raw due to my own limitations as a parent who was raised under firm parenting and the fealization of the pain that my child would feel when ideal parenting is not present
I grew up with both parents working from home and unfortunately, it was a horrible experience. My mother felt inclined to take care of my father, who was abusive and very angry all the time.
I have odd phobias that I don't even know how I ended up with. Driving, calling people... I'm not sure why. Also depression, ADHD, general anxiety and CPTSD.
My adulthood actually ended up being worse for me (from both parents) so I'm in a constant state of hyperactivity out of fear.
I tried to shield my children from this, unsuccessfully so far. I latched onto a narcissist and he, in turn, ended up neglecting and abusing our kids after he left. It's a shame that I can't break a cycle of abuse. I personally could but I know now I can't make someone else break their own.
So sorry to read all you've gone through. I pray for healing for you and your children 🙏🏽
I was fortunate enough to have a stay at home mom and she was my childhood hero. That was enough to convince me to allow the same for my daughter.
It wasn't easy but it was worth every penny that we didn't have. 🥰
Thank you for sharing this great conversation.
You can ABSOLUTELY THINK YOUR WAY OUT OF ANYTHING!!! Just like you can think your way in.
I just bought her book. Thank you for saying what too many people are afraid to say.
Looks at Pakistani social media: women crying about abuse, financial illiteracy, not being able to get out of marriages because no job
Look at American social media: people crying about how women need to stay home.
Conclusion: context is important, every situation has pros and cons. Just because you adopt one lifestyle doesn’t guarantee that your child will not have any problems.
Erica thank you so much for speaking and writing this truth. I've been unable to understand how anyone could leave an infant or toddler. I stayed home with my children. I'm so grateful! The relationship I have with them as adult children is wonderful. Look at our society. I believe it's a reflection of ignoring infant, toddler and children's needs . Thank you for speaking out!
The community raising the child doesn’t work, because the community cannot love like a parent. And, a father cannot nurture an infant like a mother can, hence nursing. Likewise, a mother must stay with her child, while the father works to support them; that’s one of the ways he loves them and finds purpose.
Thousands upon thousands of women choose poorly because "dad" was always at work & never around.
Absentee father.
I live with an 86 year old man, has two daughters.
It's not my only experience as Ive worked in retirement homes.
Yes, great idea that dad works bit if dad isn't invested in the actual kid and care these problems still exist & still get perpetuated next generational
@ I agree!
This is the most comprehensive interview on mental health I have ever listened to. Brilliant! Well done both!! 👍👍
I lost one of my good friends to su*cide during my adolescent years.. I will never forget that!
I love Dr. Komisar. I've seen her on a few shows recently. She's a highly intelligent and articulate woman with terrific messaging!
Many of my childless (including me) friends really wanted to have children… Most of us could not create stable enough partnerships to justify having kids.
Now that we’re post-fertility and all this research is widely available, we’re all regretfully glad that we didn’t create more broken humans.
As for me, I’m to a point where I hope something kills me soon. I’m tired of being here and doing everything alone.
Cool story
If you have stoic leanings consider working or volunteering at a high risk treatment facility for teenagers. Wisdom deserves sharing. Dare to stir the sounds of silence.
If you have a Bible nearby, I encourage you to read it every day. At the beginning it is a chore, but it has the power to transform your life and become the best part of the day. (I know it sounds insane and dismissive, and it's hard for people with a difficult life to believe in God because of the abhorrent suffering that takes place in the world... but I promise you there have been studies showing the positive impact of reading the Bible 4 days a week.)
A retired neurosurgeon gave me that same advice while I was in college struggling with suicide. I thought it was curious that an expert on the human brain would suggest that I attempt to get closer to God before any other kind of treatment. It ended up being lifesaving advice that my brain did not develop a chemical tolerance to. It would be utterly selfish of me to read of your heartbreak and not pass it on.
I allways dreamed to be a mother and a homemaker, while everyone pushed me to do other, "more important" things. Nothing more important than a family. Love to be a mom and proud of who I am.
Being a mom is one of the most important "jobs" in human history or parents you shape the future world more and more the school system and phones are shaping are children they want a community to take care of children no father no mother no siblings no family no individuals. The family unit mother, father and family are the most important thing for a successful country and healthy relationships which brings happiness, joy and meaning in life I wish more people were like you and your family.
I gave up a career as a chef and work overnight as a warehouse so I can fully attend to my children during the day. My husband does a tone too. We've made sacrifices of our time to build a comfortable life and to raise good people but it is hard.
This Dr. is 💯 on!! I believe that if as adults especially as parents if we don’t deal with our problems they will bleed on to our children. I thought I was there for my children and after hearing my 20+ yr old children and this Dr. I know I wasn’t there enough. 😭😭😭 with divorce and having to work it definitely was extremely difficult 😞 😞 the one thing I know I did was stay home for at least 1 yr before I went back to work. I loved those moments with my kids absolutely bonding and beautiful.
What would really help is an economy that supports 1 parent working making enough for the 2nd parent to stay home with the kids. Also, we need to find a way to foster a sense of community with our neighbors.
I came here from Lila Rose podcast with Ms. Erika and I really liked the way that Dad Saves America asked questions - short and to the point
What a great conversation, really enjoyed this! Inspiring & helpful guidance to parents.
When I mean this lady spoke she spoke 💯🙌🏽 she is 10000x percent correct 🙏🏽
Really great conversation and insights. She is right that there is so much pressure in life that parent's experience themselves so it's not at all surprising that parents project their own anxiety on to their kids n even grown kids. She is right that it usually comes from a good place. Most parents want the best for their kids and certainly want to help them avoid the mistakes they may have made especially given that life in the past 20 years especially the past 10 can be very unforgiving. That said whether spoken or not in the back of their mind too many parents are also competing with friends, neighbors and relatives especially those who have a heavy social media presence and at some point it goes beyond the car,the house,the spouse n all things related to them and more about what achievements their kids have reached. As a middle aged woman without kids I can't help but notice when I meet people even people I'm never going to see again but perhaps we stuck up a little conversation while walking our dogs or at the supermarket or in a pt job etc how quick they tell me what their kids do for a living and they always say it in this very proud way. They never mention whether they are married or with kids or that they're a really great person,funny,smart,kind etc. Now there are.plenty of people who don't mention anything about their grown kids as it's not overly.germane to the conversation and never quite sure if these people are more secure n don't feel the need to or do their kids not have the kinds of jobs they feel they can brag about. The fact that so many people have not had the luxury of being able to stay at home to raise their kids is a huge problem. Some people probably could financially or at least a little bit longer but either not willing to sacrifice financially and still want the nice.cars.n annual expensive vacations etc but I think with so many people seeing marriage as not necessarily a guarantee for life women in particular are hedging their bets and not always going all in. They already spent a great deal of money on an education and now what they shouldn't use it only a few years later? What exactly is the point then? If you have 2-3 kids spaced out over 5-7 years, you would be out of the workplace for nearly 10 years. With the rapid advancements in technology you'd be a dinosaur and difficult to re enter the job market and that's if they even got the full 10 years. Many people are divorced before the kids are even 10 and the woman is forced to go back to work and still usually the primary custodial parent. For people with family nearby who can help out regularly or at least on occasion this can help at least but many people don't have this luxury. People today far less likely to live in there hometowns or even states n this is especially true for college educated people. Also many parents/grandparents also move for financial reasons especially if they had their own kids little later in life and now retired n on fixed income. Multi generational housing is a great thing for people who can do it but communication and healthy boundaries are so necessary as it can easily blow up and lead to fractured families.
Great conversation! - It would be interesting to hear Erica in conversation with Jordan Peterson and Gabor Máte.
I bet it will happen.
@@Veracityseeker7 😄
Thank God this came across my feed. And just at the right time. Wonderful interview and very informative
Glad it was helpful!