Uh I stay home with my kids BECAUSE I am smart. I like real scientific research and the research around young children is very clear. I want to optimize the potential of my children in every way. I can always start a career later, when my kids are more independent.
@@jasminasinanbegovic6225 I designed and planned it to be that way since high school. I knew that I wanted kids and to stay home with them. I didn't waste money on college or university and found a person to be with, who knew what I wanted and had a job that could support us. If I didn't do that, I'd be stuck going back to work after having babies just to pay our mortgage, like everyone else I know, who bought homes they could only afford with dual income.
@@EyeofSekhmet even tough you did all of that it's not all up to you and what you do. There is a higher power that decides once destiny. I am also not a home owner and didn't waste my money, besides there is not much to waste anyways. My kids are at home and I am using my maternity time of three years with them to the fullest. And we made it so far to 99% on our own, without help from anyone, since there is no family around. However kids need kids and when the time comes they will need to socialize and learn how to function among others. Home schooling is not even an option where I live cause it doesn't exist. So one can do most on his part and should do, but there are also other things that play a role.
@@jasminasinanbegovic6225 We do own a home, just not one that we need dual income to afford. I wanted my kids to have a stable home and renting is a risk because you never know what your landlord might decide to do with their property. I'm physically disabled and am chronically ill, so I have to live within those constraints. I always wanted my PhD in psychology, but I can wait until my children are older and more independent for that. My daughter says she wants to be just like me when she grows up, and I just hope that she never has the physical issues and pain that I have. I hope all my children are able to have the lives that they dream of, but without extremely careful planning, it's not a possibility in our current world.
As a stay-at-home mom myself, who agrees with everything you say about the benefits for children (and the whole family), and coming from generations of women (my mother, grandmothers on both sides, great-grandmothers, etc.) who stayed at home, I beg you not to blame feminism. Being a stay-at-home mother means that a woman and her children's well-being depend 100% on her husband's emotional intelligence, ability to love and care for her, and his continued attraction to her. The sacrifice is not about career but about safety, security, and well-being. There is a constant risk in that. Women tell other women not to take that path because they witnessed their mothers' and grandmothers' despair, abuse, neglect, and trauma, with no way out! Men have misused their stay-at-home wives for generations. So telling women (and men!) to blame feminism will not make significant progress in this area. The goal should be to support more stay-at-home moms. We are currently living between a rock and a hard place. Stay-at-home mothers with great marriages are NOT the majority, and they, along with their children, need more support and less gaslighting. Direct your attention to men-call them out on why women are not choosing to be stay-at-home moms. Hold them accountable for their part, because women are already stretched beyond any humane measure! Ask men if they are prepared mentally, emotionally, spiritually, physically, and intellectually for such a responsibility. What's the point of having a stay-at-home mom who wakes up depressed, anxious, and broken-hearted every day while the dad goes on with his life as if his wife-the mother of his children, the heart of his home-isn't drowning in despair?
There's a constant risk in relying on a career too. Anyone can be made redundant. The chance of your employer valuing you more than your husband are minimal.
@@apebass2215it was not about career, but more about financial freedom, and not being completely dependent on the man. That situation is the breeding ground for abuse, cheating, etc etc
You are never too smart to stay home and homeschool your kids. Imagine how much your life would have changed if you were raised by someone who loved you instead of an institution. Having grown up in daycare and public school, I decided that I did not want that for my children and looked for a traditional woman to marry and raise a family together. She is constantly showing me what I missed growing up.
I wish there were more men who felt like this. My husband feels like I’m actually damaging our family by staying home instead of earning more money. He sees no value in the care and education I provide over any other day care provider.
@@virginiacreager4331 Sorry to hear it. My only recommendation may not be popular, but if you give him plenty of sex he may forgive you for being "wrong" and support you. If he gets what he wants, he will be more amenable to giving you what you want, in your case staying home and taking care of the family.
@@virginiacreager4331have you tried getting him to listen to what Erica has to say? You will never damage your family by showing up and being there for your kids.
I’m curious how she would explain the UCI study that showed that modern parents spend more time with their kids than moms and dads did 50 years ago. “In 1965, mothers spent a daily average of 54 minutes on child care activities, while moms in 2012 averaged almost twice that at 104 minutes per day. Fathers’ time with children nearly quadrupled - 1965 dads spent a daily average of just 16 minutes with their kids, while today’s fathers spend about 59 minutes a day caring for them.”
@@LukaBendzowhat solves the problem of abuse in a marriage is financial independence of the woman. It makes her life and the life of her children safer. Unfortunately abuse so not something rare. So, women cannot count on their husbands and stay at home with their children.
“Having children is not about you. Is about them” that is the mindset and cultural shift that our society needs right now. It could potentially solve issues from mental health problems to poor nutrition in kids and later in adults
Or it could lead to more people not wanting children. As she is constantly ONLY referring to women - why should a young woman choose to have children if the expectation of her is to give herself up completely. And I am not just talking about hundreds of thousand of dollars in income (directly and indirectly for missed career steps). I am talking about giving up her identity besides being a mom. While the father can just add being a father to his identity and keep the rest. So, just not have kids and you don’t have to sacrifice. I‘m not sure that’s a message that makes young people want to choose kids.
@@thinkbig5438 in the narcissistic society we live nowadays I’m not trying to convince people to have kids but rather if they decide to have kids, ask parents to make parenting a priority. Having kids is the most important decision in someone’s life and everything worthwhile takes effort, especially raising humans
@ I don’t think it was only about quantity but also about the quality of care for these kids. We need to start prioritizing babies over capital and productivity
@ oh, I couldn’t agree more. I stayed home with my kids until they were two and then I only worked for a couple of hours per week (I love my work. It keeps me sane.) Because that was the only time I got high quality care for them. What I do not agree with is that women are always the one asked to take over care work. And I think that’s one of the biggest reason why many don’t want kids. It’s a hard job that doesn’t get you appreciation, especially as a woman. And it leaves you at risk for poverty and other things no one can want for themselves.
I started a Job this year and left it in 3months. A lady at work really loved how I was focused on my kid rather than my Career! She was the only one who appreciated me for leaving my job!! Others were convincing me that my kid will come around and he will adjust to my absence and he will be okay at day care!! Even my dad was highly disappointed when I left job. He said I will regret it later.. its been 6months I see no regret at all!! I'm happy 😊 😃
I’ve been a stay-at-home mother for 12 years now. Just had my 5th baby. I also homeschool. I get plenty of judgement and zero support outside of my husband. No help from extended family, no support or encouragement from the community. It’s a lot of work and it’s very lonely for me. Worth it! But lonely.
Genuine question: how do you get to a place to afford that? I'd love to stay at home with my kid but idk how to make that happen. Pregnant with number 1 rn.
@@platyadmirer it becomes more expensive to pay for childcare than stay home if you have that many close together. You go without, eat simple, don’t eat out, thrift shop etc. Lifestyle change.
Being a mother is the hardest job ever to do properly. I have always worked part time and they have never had childcare apart from their grandparents. It has mostly been very rewarding apart from the PND and the teen years. Thankyou .
@@jackdeniston6150 going by your name, I'm assuming you have zero experience of being a mother. I think the comment is correct - being a mother IS the hardest job to do PROPERLY. At no point did she say she resents it or doesn't recommend it!? My part time work is way easier and often less arduous than motherhood, but I would choose motherhood everytime! It's infinitely rewarding ❤❤
@jack 🤣 "your opinion is wrong" cracks me up when people do this. I absolutely love my job as a stay at home mom. It's hard, frustrating, exhausting, monotonous, yes. But it's also thought provoking, challenging in a good way, spontaneous, makes me want to improve myself for my children to have the best mom possible, it's surreal, kids are amazing and teach us so much every day. I was single and childless till my 30s and while it was great I would never in 10 million years go back. That life is so self centered and the long term outlook is pretty lame compared to being a mom.
@@agirlisnoone5953 so my opinion is wrong then..... Single father,widower. So I have a very good understanding of the ´job´. And it appears to me a lot of women do unnecessary, pointless work to justify. Work focused on the pretty house, rather than raising children. It is not hard, your selfish attitude makes it hard.
I enjoy arc interviews very much but this by far the most important. My friend and i , both in early 70s were having this conversation just this week. I usually say it is the elelphant in the room, it is the one thing you can not say , that children need mothers and that the situation has got to a critical state because the knowledge of how to be a mother is getting lost. This was music to my ears and hopefully a sign that a shift might be taking place. Mothers can save us from this slippery slop that humanity is currently on. Now that is real work and real power.
Thanks to Erica Komisar for speaking out the truth. I am a victim of a narcissistic mother (and a weak father) who once told me frankly that she didn’t want to give up anything (work) for me and that she would do it all over again just like she did. I am suffering from several trauma symptoms and no regular life is possible until now in my mid fourties‘. It’s a huge awful unnecessary struggle.
I guess the part that really breaks my heart is despite sacrifices, renting a home, driving cars older than 20 years, budgeting, having a cushion, trying to retire, student debt, the cost of healthcare and the rising cost of living, it seems not being a two income household is not an option at this time. I know we aren’t the only family in this position.. leaving my baby at 12 weeks to put food on the table and a roof over our head and a future, was the hardest choice I felt like I didn’t really have another choice to make. I keep praying for policies and a culture shift to support young families. The woman I mother with are also in this same heart breaking position where they’d prefer to be raising their own children but don’t have the privilege or luxury. I just had a conversation with a coworker who shared she missed her sons first steps and it broke her.. but she had no other choice than to work. I guess these conversations trigger me in a way that we are often told the importance of being home with our children and that it is our “material” desires that keep us in the work force. I know this narrative applies to some but perhaps not the masses.
Lauren, I really relate to your comment. I just had my first baby and I want nothing more than to stay home with him all day but feel like in order to survive I need to bring in some income, especially with my huge mistake of taking out a huge student loan in my twenties. I’ve been a nanny and preschool teachers for years and never could understand how mothers could leave their two month olds with a stranger for the entire day. I wish we could all give our babies what they deserve.
Obviously, I don't know all your details, nor do I need to. It sounds like you & your husband are making some good decisions now. But maybe some previous decisions have caused more struggle? .. which is why Erica mentions the importance of making a plan ahead of time. Regardless, it's not hopeless, struggle is natural, there's a million & one ways to make money, and there are always opportunities to adjust how we live, if we really look for them & change our perspective. Whatever your belief system, pray, wish, meditate, say mantras, give yourself stoic pep talks... Change your thinking & you WILL change your life. Promise. ❤ (Check out teachings by people like Louise Hay) SO many of us are rooting for you (& other parents) to be successful. You got this. 🙌❤️🙌
I hate hate this for you. I hate this for your friends. May things start looking different for you so that you can be with your babies 😣. I do appreciate these conversations because it’s not regarding lovely women like yourself. It’s really about the mothers who really do say being in the work field is better and more important than raising the next generation.
I was a stay-at-home/homeschooling mother for all my eight kids…until my ex cheated and broke our family up. My youngest was two at the time. Now, I’m forced to work, but I live three doors down from my parents, who help with care. I do my best to be around and involved. But this is not what I wanted. It’s just sad. So many are hurt because of selfish, pleasure seeking narcs.
Sorry this happened to you. This is exactly why women felt that they need financial independence to handle situations like this. It's far too common and in many cases ladies have no option but to adjust with the circumstances and endure abuses. 😢
I'm sorry this happened to you. I was planning on homeschooling my child when she was ready, but her father became toxic and left recently and she's only 3 years old. Now I have to reconsider everything. I don't want to be away from her, I don't want her to go to public school, I don't want her to have a broken family. Some women are blindsided by just how selfish thier spouse becomes and aren't to blame. "You should have chosen a better partner" is what I see in a lot of comments. People lack compassion for situations like ours. It's sad. Thankfully we serve a merciful and gracious God. May He bless you and your children.
My mom returned to work when I was one month old. I wasn't in daycare though, I was watched by my grandparents. But I didn't even remember that they watched me. What I do remember is my mom having half Fridays off and sitting in the cart while she takes me shopping. I also remember being very attached and clingy to my mom as a young child, to the point extended relatives would comment on it. And I did deal with a great deal of depression as a teenager and onward, and have attachment issues to this day (39 y/o now)
Erica, I'm not getting the support I would like from my job. The devaluing and de-prioritization you talk about for motherhood is really present at my current job. It makes me feel sad and anxious. They offer no paid maternity leave. It's been a very bumpy road for my husband and I expecting our second child in February. If it's a girl, her name will probably be Joan, because prior to knowing I was pregnant I was planning on attending the ARC conference in February. Please keep my family in your prayers. Thank you for everything you are doing to change the current story.
Finally!! I hope the time for this message has come!! Most important interview of 2024! Only one footnote: let’s not increase the number of kids in this world, but let’s raise those who do get to be born without stress, good attachment and close to our bodies and hearts. Love from an adoptive mum, stay at home and professionally successful after kids had grown older 😄such a joyful life!! ❤
I have 3 kids and I completely agree with all you say.I moved a lot saw lots of kids I different cultures and I have noticed kids who are taken care of by their mothers and fathers during first years are kinder,more empathic,have better emotional intelligence,calm,study good
Corporate culture strongly frowns upon women’s natural desire to be with their children. Coworkers laughed at me when I said I want to stay home with my child. Our CEO publicly proudly taught young women that you can simply tell your toddler that you won’t be around much and that your life is not a priority, work and career are the priority and you’re just fulfilling a checkbox on her accomplishments. Children raised this way, that manage to survive, become the adults and require immense forgiveness, understanding and love to cope with such a failure in their parents.
I wish i could stay home with my son. I work full time and have the health benefits for the family so thats why i stay at my job, plus i do enjoy it. But i put my all into my time when im home, cleaning, cooking healthy meals, and playing with my son in between or uninterrupted. He has a strong attachment to me and my husband and also his grandmas who watch him when we are at work. We are blessed to have their support. Watching this makes me feel bad, but also good knowing im trying to do the best i can given our situation. Thank you for alk your work you do around child development and families. I hope more people get to hear your work and research. We definitely need it here in America. 💗
There are us who are forced to work. The most vulnerable women are those over 55. Then women who depended on their husbands income and money management usually are let down and have to face life alone and penniless... I would love to have more time with my daughter but i get taken for granted as well.
"You don't want your kids living in the basement forever." This is such a western concept. You shouldn't want your kids to struggle financially until they hopefully make it. My children are encouraged to stay unless they depart for school or some program that invests in their future. Keep the wealth in the family and save money together. When your adult children are working and can contribute to the groceries and other bills, that's wise. Build an empire for your family. This American mind that kids should be out there paying their own rent as soon as possible is a peasant mentality.
I just spoke on the detriment of peer attachment on Children at the IFTCC I would say though Children need even more than 3 years to limit peer attachment and create secure parental attachment and even then putting Children in our corrupted education system creates a disconnect from parental values
Very true, peer orientation is a huge problem. I think it was Gordon Neufeld who said “If you wanted to make children peer oriented (instead of attached to their parents) daycare plus our current public schools would be the perfect way to create that.” Gordon Neufeld’s book “Hold On to Your Kids” was life changing. We choose to have mom stay home plus homeschool our kids at the moment.
I love what she brings to the table . It's important to teach young girls to choose partners wisely . A lot Of things can happen but at least you can lessen The chances of ending up as a single mother . All of this is easier ima. Family unit. A dad that works and mom that stays home during the earlier years .
I sincerely doubt that in most cases it's the husband or parents saying "you're too smart to stay home and be a mother". Far more often it's their "friends", other mothers, or childless working age women, these days the majority of whom are the type of narcissists she described, and are not prepared to go against the modern social and feminist grain to put their child's interests first.
I stay home with my kid because I got into so much trouble. Nobody paid attention to me and it’s a miracle I am alive. It’s a miracle I never accidentally killed someone. It’s a miracle i got away from all that but there are young people struggling everywhere making bad choices just to get attention that really do lead to self destruction.
Gosh thank you so much for voicing this. I loved every word. This has to be promoted not only between woemn but men for them to support their wifes in the future. My husband does nit value at all me being with our kid. He's crazy that i l put on hold my high paid job.
How do I make up the first three years of my child's life. We escaped domestic violence. We're safe now, but in the beginning, we had to disappear and change our names. Now we're in the healing processes, as well as myself from not only that but from my childhood, I've really been trying to demonstrate pure, unconditional love. Please share loving tips! 💕🙏🌈
Erica says around age 9 is another important period of brain development. Do all the attachment stuff for your child. Anyone can heal at any age. Best wishes to you
Your message is so important even if it should be common sense, it just shows how much it's needed so don't stop shouting it from the rooftops, i don't have kids yet but I've always knows they'll be the most important thing and the number one thing I look for in a partner is that they feel the same on that
My grandfather passed away leaving behind 3 kids, so my mom used to say "we would have been on the streets had my mother not being working". My grandmother was a working mom in the 1950's. My aunt with 6 kids got divorced way back in the 70s. She faced financial difficulties all through her life as she had limited means to earn a living.
I wish I could stay at home with my kids so bad. I’m a single mom and split custody with their dad and thankfully I only work 2-3 days/week while living with mom below my means but any free time I get I try to be with them.
This really explains a lot about why our whole culture is crumbling and so many women are choosing not to have children - like their maternal instinct has been short circuited. And why so many WOMEN are vehemently pro-abortion?!?
Wow, that's terrifying to hear it from that perspective! It sounds like - women actually hate being WOMEN... I guess that's actually, probably the pinnacle of feminism isn't it?
Pregnancy and childbirth is a risk to women, a physical risk, and then child care, raising children takes a toll on their body, mind, energy, careers, finances etc.. Earlier, women didn't have a choice. Just to survive, they had to marry any man no matter how unsuitable, incompetent, unpleasant etc and have his kids. Now they have choices, which is good. Because in the earlier system, women and children suffered a lot, especially if the man was not rich enough.
Some of the most just oh, "smart " women raised some of the most incredible inventors in history. There was always a very intelligent and insanely wise mother behind all of these great figures... or sometimes fathers. But, mostly mothers. It started in their childhoods. When mothers would organically/naturally spend a lot of time with their children. AKA raising YOUR own kids, like this lady is talking about. If you read some biographies of inventors, you can learn a lot about how parenting not only was done differently (I think in general society) but how these parents *specifically raised such great brains.
The need for two working parents started at the same time as when the rules loosened about married women in the professional workforce changed. More money per family available for house buying. Low end working class married women usually had to work to make ends meet. (I can't work out a better way to say it. This is my background) White collar women had a different experience I think.
I think you have to be careful. I'm a working mum with a hubby but we can't afford to have one and one out of work but on minimum wage. It was chats like this that would make me feel demonized for working. But then I would also feel demonized if I didn't work to provide a decent life for my girl. Thus I think this is a very middle class subject especially in the UK.
This specialist should talk to government ppl and put it into their ears, so there instruments for parents to stay home with kids longer than just 12 weeks postpartum.
Erica, I chose to stay home with my children from the day they were born and I desire and choose to be at stay home for years to come! I also, when I hear you and see that you had three children and yet are such an accomplished woman, and have your own profession speak for you to us. I would love to read a book or hear you in a podcast how did you raise three children practicing what you are teaching and be such a successful woman in the professional world as well? I do not feel I am to smart to be with my kids bc I believe that is the wisest thing to do and at the same time I have so much knowledge, skills, and experience that I would love to share with the world and help the world and make some income as well that could help me afford for the needs of my kids development as they grow older as well! Please speak more how did you make it work in detail about it. I would appreciate that very much!
I married a Philipina 😎 We moved her mother, 2 x Brothers & 2 x of her sisters into our home - I also run my own business from home 😎 Our children are constantly bombarded with attention & love 😊
I do love admire Erika so much! this is my point for last 20 years and working as a psychotherapist I can see how lost 3rd generation is they seriously have got starvation of emotions from own parents🥲we need to start to change it, we are people awaken hearts and a lot of work to be done🙏
I am a mama at peace who stays with my children at home, homeschooling, breastfeeding on demand. I am always there when they need me and never at our home we say” don’t cry”. My children thus have those things that I never had. We are not financially rich but we have no problem with that because we know that our children have what they deserve.
Clearly, we don't know all of each other's details, nor do I think we need to. Many are struggling even though they've made some good decisions now. But maybe some previous decisions have caused long lasting struggles? .. which is why Erica mentions the importance of making a plan ahead of time. Regardless, it's not hopeless, struggle is natural, there's a million & one ways to make money, and there are always opportunities to adjust how we live, if we really look for them & change our perspective. Whatever your belief system, pray, wish, meditate, say mantras, give yourself stoic pep talks... whatever! Change your thinking & you WILL change your life. Promise. ❤ (Check out teachings by people like Louise Hay for inspiration.) SO many of us (in it or on the other side of this) are rooting for you all to be successful human beings and parents. You got this. 🙌❤️🙌
Ladies…. Being a Wife and Mother is not oppression. It is your duty in a family, just like a man is responsible for being a husband and father more important than being “successful “ and become rich and buying all these material shit. Money comes and goes, but keeping family and true friends are becomes very fragile if you don’t focus and commit to it.
My parents are one of 7 and one of 8. I grew up with a gazzilion cousins to play with and it was awesome! My three kids have only one cousin so far, with the trajectory my siblings and siblings in law are on I highly doubt they will have to many more.
As we moved from a family based economy to a corporate based economy, the family has been deteriorating. In a mom and pop business or farm, the whole family is included. The young and the old. We need to go back to a family based economy instead of a corporate based economy. In a free market there are no corporations because the government doesn’t charter corporations in a free market.
Another alternative is to get a job where you can telework. I telework full-time, work while my kid is at school, focus on parenting when she’s home, work on my laptop some more when she’s asleep, and work on weekends to catch up here and there as needed. I get earned income and be a focused mother at the same time - I love this!
Diese Frau spricht mir aus der Seele und es bricht mir das Herz, dass mein Mann und ich defizitäre Eltern sind. Es kostet mich unheimlich viel Kraft die Verbindung zu meinem Kind zu halten aufgrund von starker Bindungslosigkeit als ich Kind war. Aber ich repariere mich und begleite gleichzeitig mein Kind so gut ich kann. Es ist auch sehr schwer einen Therapeuten zu finden, wo genug Passung da ist. Dieses Thema macht mich sehr traurig. Ich spüre förmlich eine gesamtgesellschaftliche Verachtung gegenüber Frauen und Kindern. Danke Erica, ich fühle mich gerade weniger einsam ❤ Liebe Erica, eventuell möchtest du auf Fachtagungen unter Psychotherapeuten darüber sprechen, ob es Sinn macht, dass alle Mamas und Papas im Wochenbett mindestens 6h Psychotherapie daheim bekommen und zwar von der Krankenkasse gezahlt. Ich fände das eine ganz tolle Sache. In Berlin haben Psychotherapeuten da ein Projekt gestartet. Liebste Grüße, Alexandra
As a stay at home mom, I love raising mine, loving on them whenever i can. Disagree with them too! 😂 People look down on me for not "working" some look up to me and praise me. In the end I dont mind what other people think. I know i,m trying my hardest to give my child a loving, warm childhood. I care what what my child thinks and feels. I care what my husband thinks and feels. I firmly believe that a career is pushed to women for the sole purpose of gaining more tax. I m not against working as a woman yet i will teach my daughter that there is more then a career in this world. There is not one lucky ticket to happiness yet I have found that having a family has given me profound purpose, motivation to make a better life for them. To be a better person for them❤
Dr. Allan Schore, an Interpersonal Neurobiologist, describes the nature of this problem quite well in a YT video which was formerly called, "The First 1000 Days". "Psychiatry/Psychology measures a person's adaptation to the society in which they find themselves. No inquiry, however, is made as to that society's adaptation to the natural order of things"- Dr. Hubert Benoit-"Zen and the Psychology of Transformation"
Ok...just one thing guys...we can no longer afford not to work. And this has always been the case for the poorer population. It has now reached higher up as well.
I have 2 children but in this era, I think people are being smart and making wiser decisions before committing to marriage and procreation. Many of these people admit they are selfish which is great. They value their time and would rather not take on something they see as a burden. I truly think it’s wise. Not everyone wants to commit to raising children and that’s okay
At age 19 when I met my partner our whole relationship we knew we wanted kids. Both finished school, married at age 24 and had baby at 25. We saved up to buy a house and get a savings so I was able to not work. I left my job as a director we are now with our second baby 3 months and my 2 1/2 year old. This is the most important job I’ve ever had. I think you’re right about not planning I even changed my career to be more flexible when kids are older. I am getting my masters to be a licensed marriage therapist to be able to work less hours. My husband and I are able to live off of his income we don’t have fancy cars and aren’t big spenders.
Now that's SMART!🥲 You know that being a mother is so important you're actually going to school again, to be able to get a job that will allow you to be flexible with your time with your children while also providing an income. You're making your life 🫶🏼family💕 centered. This is actually very inspiring to me. Thank you
Maternity leave is not the answer! So stupid to keep saying that. Kids need their moms for years! A couple of mat leave is not nnneay enough. Paying Dad enough so Mom can stay home the entire childhood of a child is what needs to happen.
Also, stay at home mothers should be paid by their husbands for their career sacrifice. They should get some salary in their account every month and also he should contribute to her retirement fund equally. Otherwise it is a risk for the woman.
Most mothers would want to stay home 100% and take care of their children. However it’s the large gap in the CV that recruiters do not want to see. Very few recruiters are understanding when explaining that I had to take time off my career to take care of my new born.
I would like to see research on the reasons for going to back to work while having a baby. Is it really from pure selfishness and narcissism as she is saying? Or are there any other reasons? The need to earn money to provide food and shelter for your kids for example. 50% of the poorest USA population shares only 2,5 % of the total wealth.
Such a different perspective to myself or any mothers I know. I’m in the trenches of babies and toddlers but am without a village (grandparents off living their best life), in a city where cost of living requires two incomes to have a roof and food. I can only afford 1 year on mat leave per child. And I am giving my all, I have given up all hobbies and social activities outside my kids. I wish I could afford to stay home longer, as do all my friends but we have been dealt the cards that won’t allow it. Hearing older generations saying we are all choosing this baffles me!
I would say try to think of creative solutions (sometimes even radical ones) like co-sharing living spaces, moving to a more affordable area. My husband said there’s no way we could survive on one income but I knew I could not leave my son. I knew if we could cover rent and food we could find a way and now here we are 4 years later and we are still doing the impossible. We still live in silicone valley with some of the most expensive rents in the world.
@@georginanicole4156 probably the reason you are baffled is because our mothers didn't have any social activities or sports to give up. Children need healthy attention, that is all. Are you 100% sure that you want to spend more time with them . Perhaps you are in which case can you find anyway to make that work. It is not even just about being with them, it is about creating a warm , organised, unstressed home. Of putting love into everything you do. Sorry if that sounds patronising , i don't know your situation , i am just saying sometimes we have to think out of the box. THERE IS A CHRONIC SHORTAGE. OF MOTHERS.
@@virginiacreager4331 we are in Melbourne Aus, already moved 40 mins further out from family for ‘more affordable’ housing, however the mortgage for our 3 bedroom unit has gone from 3.4K to 6.6k per month due to interest rate hikes. We are pretty trapped. I am doing all I can to get us set up hoping to work 3 days per week in the future.
@@BR26-o6o mine did, my parents were big travellers. Growing up they played tennis and golf among other interests. travelling every few months and going to restaurants at least once per week. So I guess it’s just a big contrast for me compared to my childhood. Everyone I know would love to stay home with their babies, we just can’t afford it.
I agree w/the above commenters. I grew up w/ frugality & a mother willing to sacrifice social norms so "sacrifice" came 2nd hand rather than "omg, I have to give up XYZ...!". The cost of clothing, gas, car maintenance, food, time, & daycare could not justify the argument of an outside paycheck for us. Garage sales, thrift stores, consignment shops, used book stores, & of course hand me downs are a HUGE savings. And "treasure hunting" is a ton of fun!! Buying most of our food on sale or BOGO deals. Making one meal for all, several nights a week, & eating leftovers taught respect for life & not to be wasteful. Eating out used to be for a special occasion. Packed lunches. Good cooking & smart shopping are HUGE skills. Showing our love w/small meaningful experiences for (most) celebrations instead of magnanimous gestures & expensive gifts taught our children the value of people and not "things". They had quality belongings & never did without. Easy & fun: "Something they want, something they need. Something to wear, something to read." Nowadays, it is absolutely *shocking* to hear what people pay for their cell phone & service. Ditto for streaming services : apps. 1st, kids don't *need* a phone or other digital devices for that matter. It's actually developmentally detrimental. 2nd, when the time comes, basic burner phones are sufficient. Social media is more damaging than helpful. 3rd, for $35 now (was $25), I get unlimited on my Android. This is by no means an exhaustive list, but the latest fun save was turning off our hot water heater. (My mother had been doing it for decades.) $60/mo ($720/yr) just like that. Maybe turn it on only when you need it in the evening for showers, then off before bed. How would you spend an extra $3-400 dollars a year?? Good luck everyone! ❤️
You are so right i had 4 childern and stayed home with them until they were 5 and than got ajob that fitted in with school hours. The job may not have beena high paying but it ment i was home with them. When they started high school i worked at better high paying job . They were only home for an hour by themselves at high school age. You can have it all but not when they need you most. You must put you childern first or don't have them. I worked until i was 63 so there is plenty of time for youself when they are in their teens.
Just work harder and sacrifice for your kids is a tired answer. We sacrificed so much to scrape by and still needed dual income. No out to eat, no frills. Be for real rn.
I had a stay at home mom and did not go to kindergarten, nor did my siblings. We all went to public school. Home was not a good place for us. My parents were poor and had really no friends, so even they were happy with their life - I was not. I was glad to go to school to meet other people. Always wished my mother would have worked, because not being one of the poorest kids in school would have absolute being worth it. By the way we never had a good relationship, neither mom and I nor my siblings and I. So from my experience I'm not sure if what Mrs Komisar is telling is absolute true... 🤔
These people: "If you can't afford to stay home with your kids then you are a bad parent" Modern young adults: "Okay well since I need to work to afford to live I guess I shouldn't have kids" These people watching birth rate decline all over the developed world : "Wait not like that!" Many families absolutely need 2 incomes to afford to live, that just how the modern world works. It seems financially irresponsible to bring children into this world without being able to afford to give them a good life, including daycare or being able to support a large family on a single salary. People aren't choosing not to have kids because they are selfish, they are doing so because having children in the current world is insanely expensive and stressful, so it makes sense not to unless you are at least somewhat financially stable which is just not realistic for many people. So instead of just calling current young adults selfish and bad maybe Erica could actually discuss real actionable solutions to declining birthrates instead of just taking the easy way out blaming "Kids these days..."
Unreal. If you are too busy to raise your kids, you need to DROP EVERYTHING ELSE AND MOTHER YOUR CHILDREN!!! That is your primary role and responsibility as a WOMAN.
Alright. Question here: when the child whines, I find myself having to force my emotions deep down to not react. I purposely detach my heart from feeling my child’s pain so I do not give in to their needs. Do I do this as a mom, or give in. It is so hard to shut my emotions down so I can train a child to not get his way for every little thing. Parenthood is so hard. 😢
As much as you can, say yes to things. Keep things out of sight that you do not want them to whine about. Give choices that you are ok with (for example no cookie but you can have apple or cracker, you can walk by yourself or you can hold my hand etc). Be consistent - as much as you can stick to how you say you'll enforce things and they will catch on that you mean business (when you say 10 more pushes on swing and then time to go, take down and time to go). Routines help a lot, and talking about how the transition is going to happen before you make it helps too. They are pushing boundaries which is their job as toddlers (and teenagers...), but it is your job to maintain them. Another thing for whining is they're more so looking for attention than actually wanting the thing, so if you can, take a minute to give them a hug. Good luck! It is hard!
Adding to the excellent comment above... Observing and reading children's needs have historically, for ALL of humanity, been *acquired* skills passed down through generations. This is what we have been missing & what Erika touches on. They've been traded for a paycheck & freedom at the cost of our children's most basic well-being. So the question about "how to respond" depends on the age & developmental ability of the child (infant or 9yro?, emo intelligent or on the spectrum?), their temperament (easygoing, defiant, confident or not?) and the environment (@ home or in public, permissive, overly strict, or negligent role models?). I wish I could give you a one-size-fits-all answer, but it's not that simple. Good parenting is a highly skilled art form. ❤️
Just a quick comment, when my grandson [age 6, or the younger one [age 3] whine, or demand or even try to push me, I say very slowly " That behaviour doesn't work on Grandmothers!" If they repeat the unwanted behaviour, I tell them, ❤" It doesn't work. I feel put off when you do it again. I'm going to walk into the next room and wait for you to feel better. Come to me and we will have a cuddle and a talk. Then I walk away. I stay calm. I sit somewhere and gently smile. They take between 3 and 8 minutes to change their thoughts, relax, and come over to me. I tell them that I understand how hard it is to want something and not be able to have it. I reassure them that they are doing well, and trying to balance themselves. Then I move on to another activity. Hope this helps a little. ❤ ❤
Love the ideas on here already, I think all of them are great and help! I do what you do too when my daughter whines, and try to shut off a bit emotionally. Sometimes I will walk to another room for a bit until she calms down. But a few more tips that reduce whining: -take your kids outside a lot. Sunshine and exercise will put them in a better mood. -give them very little screen time (less than 1 hour per day or maybe no screen time during the week, only on the weekend). Kids are in a worse mood after screen time every time.
Sooo glad to be hearing this. THIS is critical for community and civilisation. May our political leaders be smart enough and brave enough to take this on board, as a policy priority.
I do not disagree with what she's saying however rather than telling us women that going to work is so wrong for our child she needs to acknowledge the world has changed. Rather than making women feel guilty, how about telling and educating us on HOW we can help our children whilst we work. For example, I have been a single parent from birth. I was in an abusive marriage and made the decision to leave. My home is a peaceful home with zero conflict and happy moments. If I was not working, I would not have been able to leave my marriage. I HAVE to work full time but I know for a fact that I am a thousand times more present with my child when I am at home compared to some SAHM. This lady does not take into account modern day dynamics and some have absolutely no choice. You can be at home with your child and not entirely present. I am absolutely for women working part time at least, so that they are never fully financially dependent on a man. As for staying at home being harder than working. Not for me, when I am at home with my child, it is much much easier than working and doing absolutely everything myself and being two roles combined into one - a home maker and a provider. My job as a school teacher in the UK is far more stressful than being at home with my child, even as a single parent who does absolutely everything by themselves. Solutions to real life problems is what we women need and not just the grim story of the effects. The gentleman in the video understands society better than she does. I can tell by his questions and contributions.
"If you are strategic...."??? People can't always be strategic. This means that if my wife and I got pregnant surprisingly, (which we did, in the 90s), then we can't do a good job of raising them? Therefore less than optimal planners raise children with lack of empathy and attachment issues, because we're not good enough planners? Thankfully I made enough money to keep my wife home, and thankfully she valued that too... But my grandson is now in daycare, and there's no amount of frugality or belt tightening that would prevent that. This is a good Video in a lot of ways, but it doesn't fully acknowledge the constraints for parents' who recognize the value of staying home with their children, but simply can't do it. Frederick Douglass - It's better to raise strong children than to repair broken men
She's talked about elsewhere how the next best thing to staying home with your baby is having immediate family care for them. Meaning grandparents. Why can't you or your wife take care of your grandson so he doesn't have to be taken care of by strangers? You say no amount of frugality or belt-tightening can fix that but you're the grandfather... It's obvious you're offended by some of the things she said, but maybe you can take it as an opportunity to shift your perspective and take accountability for the potential shortcomings that came up throughout your kid's childhood. Your grandson has so much more of a chance at breaking the cycle of "we didn't know what we were doing" that so many people of your generation perpetuated to the generation now raising your grandchildren. This woman wasn't attacking you, she was sharing her professional opinion in an attempt to make the next generation more aware and accountable for their children's future.
29:00 the only spot I disagree! I think people are waiting too long to get married is making them so set in their ways which makes it so hard to join together! Getting married young was the best decision I made! My husband and I have had so many experiences that have allowed us to learn and grow together before we were too set in our own ways!
I quit my job as an engineer in the aerospace industry to stay home with my kids. I have a university degree is economics with a 3.9 GPA. My IQ was literally genius level. I use all of my IQ and education to try to be a good mom…I think being a good parent requires intelligence. It’s the dumb thing to do to be so prideful that you think being a cog in the economy is more important than the human beings you created…
We need maternity leaves and the society's acceptance of returning to work after a few years. We do not need to be told to stay home. The problem is we do not have an option. If we have maternity leaves that is long enough in the US, like most other developed countries (or ever developing countries), if we can return to work after a few years without too big of a setback, I believe a lot of moms would choose to stay home with their children during those critical early years.
I was born in early 70s. My parents were born in the mid 1940s. My parents grew up under a cloud of misery and fear. (My grandparents never learned how to raise kids beyond the purpose of needing the free labor on the farm..and could never have imagined that there was anyting to learm beyond what was neeeded to work on the farm...FOR THEM! ) Consequently my parents never had "good parent" skills modeled for them...and my brothers and I were a "test market" of raising their kids. Long ago i recognized that as i got older...I was learning and noticing what was needed to be a good... (while I idealy should have been a parent my self) Because I suspected I never prepared to be a parent when i was an ideal age to become a parent...i never wanted to have kids until i was ready. I know people will say "you are never ready"....regardless...if you have kids you have to be ready for the challenge...and i was never prepared for the challenge... mentally.. financualky... etc... in my mid 50s now...i dont regret NOT taking on such an important task...without being prepared.... if my "maslow needs" were never met up the hierarchy...how could i have passed on the same to a kid?
This is sad, but i agree with you. You were realized you short-changed and then tried your best with the card you were dealt. This just highlights how serously important being (learning how to be) a good parent is.
How do I switch on that maternal preoccupation? I've known I've been deficient in something like that for a few years now, but haven't heard an explenation or name for it before. I think my own mother was lacking in this.
Have you had a baby yet? I think we are wired for this, but like any wiring it can be faulty or malfunctioning in the beginning...so find help..(baby blues are a real experience for many, your hormones and body are up to things they have not done before...).
It's there. No part is missing, but your conditioning has, as is largely the case, usurped the body's messages by thoughts. "How do I switch it on?", bless you for the question, and hold onto it until, as Rilke said, 'You live yourself into the answers." If one had this, it would be obvious to them, and this is a sad reality. Best to you, and keep asking the questions..in and of itself it will help all involved.
Maybe we should delay having kids untill we are financially stable as a couple and also have less number of children . Like 1 or 2. Not more. Quality over quantity.
Thank you! My son is two and a half. I am afraid that i did him alteady damage by often not being patient, getting angry , especially at night when he wakes up..i feel very sad and wanted to ask if you think now he's already hurt a lot and what i can do to better..i can only start with now to do things better but its very hard not to critizise myself which takes away energy from me, but which would be appeopriate i think because i did so many things wrong until now. I hope its not too late ! And that he''s not already hurt too much for his future life🙏🏼
May I recommend the following actions? Choose the next quiet moment you are with your son. A good time may be when you are saying goodnight. Look directly at him and say " You are very important to me" I care about you. And I care about how we work together. I love you so much. And I need to say sorry to you. I've lost my patience, I've shouted at you, and I've been angry. This is not your fault. I will talk with you tomorrow about how we can work together, relax, and have fun." Then plan your re-conn ection commitment. 1. You and your child need 15 or 20 minutes Exclusive 1-1 time together. Do a non-demanding activity and just be there together. 2. Gently, re-establish your good thoughts and feelings for your child. And theirs for you. 3. Statements like " one thing I love about you is ......." 4. Catch your child being good! Acknowledge it and show your joy. 5. Let your child say whatever they do, and remember, all behaviour is a communication. So if there are tantrums, screaming, hitting, whining, and biting, the child is protesting, and telling his mother all about these strong feelings. 6. Empathy and understanding for yourself. And for your child. 7. Children are intelligent and know sincerity from fake. Respect goes two ways. 8. Trust takes time. Tell your child you trust him. Let him try to help, to do something to contribute to family life. To be useful. To be clever and kind. Consistently demonstrate these values in your interactions with you child. It's never too late to begin again. ❤ Love to you from a grandmother in Auckland, New Zealand
Take deep breaths when you feel angry and remind yourself that he is in agony and needs your love. His intention is not to upset you. Forgive yourself, give him a hug and start over with loving words and a smile. It gets better with practice.
![[TH] 2024 PMGC League | Survival Stage วันที่ 1 | PUBG MOBILE Global Championship](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/FVFT-PFwU80/mqdefault.jpg)
Uh I stay home with my kids BECAUSE I am smart. I like real scientific research and the research around young children is very clear. I want to optimize the potential of my children in every way. I can always start a career later, when my kids are more independent.
That's awesome for your kids. Good on you!
And because you can
@@jasminasinanbegovic6225 I designed and planned it to be that way since high school. I knew that I wanted kids and to stay home with them. I didn't waste money on college or university and found a person to be with, who knew what I wanted and had a job that could support us. If I didn't do that, I'd be stuck going back to work after having babies just to pay our mortgage, like everyone else I know, who bought homes they could only afford with dual income.
@@EyeofSekhmet even tough you did all of that it's not all up to you and what you do. There is a higher power that decides once destiny. I am also not a home owner and didn't waste my money, besides there is not much to waste anyways. My kids are at home and I am using my maternity time of three years with them to the fullest. And we made it so far to 99% on our own, without help from anyone, since there is no family around. However kids need kids and when the time comes they will need to socialize and learn how to function among others. Home schooling is not even an option where I live cause it doesn't exist. So one can do most on his part and should do, but there are also other things that play a role.
@@jasminasinanbegovic6225 We do own a home, just not one that we need dual income to afford. I wanted my kids to have a stable home and renting is a risk because you never know what your landlord might decide to do with their property. I'm physically disabled and am chronically ill, so I have to live within those constraints. I always wanted my PhD in psychology, but I can wait until my children are older and more independent for that. My daughter says she wants to be just like me when she grows up, and I just hope that she never has the physical issues and pain that I have. I hope all my children are able to have the lives that they dream of, but without extremely careful planning, it's not a possibility in our current world.
As a stay-at-home mom myself, who agrees with everything you say about the benefits for children (and the whole family), and coming from generations of women (my mother, grandmothers on both sides, great-grandmothers, etc.) who stayed at home, I beg you not to blame feminism. Being a stay-at-home mother means that a woman and her children's well-being depend 100% on her husband's emotional intelligence, ability to love and care for her, and his continued attraction to her. The sacrifice is not about career but about safety, security, and well-being. There is a constant risk in that. Women tell other women not to take that path because they witnessed their mothers' and grandmothers' despair, abuse, neglect, and trauma, with no way out! Men have misused their stay-at-home wives for generations. So telling women (and men!) to blame feminism will not make significant progress in this area. The goal should be to support more stay-at-home moms. We are currently living between a rock and a hard place. Stay-at-home mothers with great marriages are NOT the majority, and they, along with their children, need more support and less gaslighting. Direct your attention to men-call them out on why women are not choosing to be stay-at-home moms. Hold them accountable for their part, because women are already stretched beyond any humane measure! Ask men if they are prepared mentally, emotionally, spiritually, physically, and intellectually for such a responsibility.
What's the point of having a stay-at-home mom who wakes up depressed, anxious, and broken-hearted every day while the dad goes on with his life as if his wife-the mother of his children, the heart of his home-isn't drowning in despair?
I loved your comment. I agree 100% with you.
That was quite sensible
There's a constant risk in relying on a career too. Anyone can be made redundant. The chance of your employer valuing you more than your husband are minimal.
@@apebass2215it was not about career, but more about financial freedom, and not being completely dependent on the man. That situation is the breeding ground for abuse, cheating, etc etc
1000% agree 😊. The extra zero is intentional lol
You are never too smart to stay home and homeschool your kids. Imagine how much your life would have changed if you were raised by someone who loved you instead of an institution. Having grown up in daycare and public school, I decided that I did not want that for my children and looked for a traditional woman to marry and raise a family together. She is constantly showing me what I missed growing up.
I wish there were more men who felt like this. My husband feels like I’m actually damaging our family by staying home instead of earning more money. He sees no value in the care and education I provide over any other day care provider.
@@virginiacreager4331 Sorry to hear it. My only recommendation may not be popular, but if you give him plenty of sex he may forgive you for being "wrong" and support you. If he gets what he wants, he will be more amenable to giving you what you want, in your case staying home and taking care of the family.
@@virginiacreager4331have you tried getting him to listen to what Erica has to say?
You will never damage your family by showing up and being there for your kids.
I think some of this tragedy is the insane cost of college education. It’s placed an artificial value on education over family 😢
@@chdao How dare you say that?
As a society we need to focus more on family values and virtues and less on material gain and selfish desires. Thank you for sharing this conversation
❤
Agreed! We also need to focus less on our 'rights' (which are actually wrongs for our children) and more on our responsibilities in general.
I’m curious how she would explain the UCI study that showed that modern parents spend more time with their kids than moms and dads did 50 years ago. “In 1965, mothers spent a daily average of 54 minutes on child care activities, while moms in 2012 averaged almost twice that at 104 minutes per day. Fathers’ time with children nearly quadrupled - 1965 dads spent a daily average of just 16 minutes with their kids, while today’s fathers spend about 59 minutes a day caring for them.”
@mommybreakdown
With iPads, cellphones, TV, etc. Highly doubt that
I see many children at grocery stores and restaurants on iPads
@@neorx7 100%
I've never heard anyone say "I regret putting my family first." A great interview and great storytelling. 👍
I have lol
@@rooroo5580that's sad! Poor family.
So I’m the first one to tell you that. The result was abuse by my ex-husband
@@olgaplatt9221 I'm sorry to hear that. Do you think spending less time with family or not putting it first would solve that?
@@LukaBendzowhat solves the problem of abuse in a marriage is financial independence of the woman. It makes her life and the life of her children safer. Unfortunately abuse so not something rare. So, women cannot count on their husbands and stay at home with their children.
It's not only during the first three years but a child needs a mother at every point in life
Very very well said
I think she means a 24/7 type of need, where another job cannot be done...of course we will always be needed but it is not the same
@vivienneb6199 No , women should definitely have their own identity in public
“Having children is not about you. Is about them” that is the mindset and cultural shift that our society needs right now. It could potentially solve issues from mental health problems to poor nutrition in kids and later in adults
Or it could lead to more people not wanting children. As she is constantly ONLY referring to women - why should a young woman choose to have children if the expectation of her is to give herself up completely. And I am not just talking about hundreds of thousand of dollars in income (directly and indirectly for missed career steps). I am talking about giving up her identity besides being a mom. While the father can just add being a father to his identity and keep the rest. So, just not have kids and you don’t have to sacrifice. I‘m not sure that’s a message that makes young people want to choose kids.
@@thinkbig5438 in the narcissistic society we live nowadays I’m not trying to convince people to have kids but rather if they decide to have kids, ask parents to make parenting a priority. Having kids is the most important decision in someone’s life and everything worthwhile takes effort, especially raising humans
@ I am not disagreeing. But the whole arc of the summit was about having more kids.
@ I don’t think it was only about quantity but also about the quality of care for these kids. We need to start prioritizing babies over capital and productivity
@ oh, I couldn’t agree more. I stayed home with my kids until they were two and then I only worked for a couple of hours per week (I love my work. It keeps me sane.) Because that was the only time I got high quality care for them. What I do not agree with is that women are always the one asked to take over care work. And I think that’s one of the biggest reason why many don’t want kids. It’s a hard job that doesn’t get you appreciation, especially as a woman. And it leaves you at risk for poverty and other things no one can want for themselves.
I started a Job this year and left it in 3months. A lady at work really loved how I was focused on my kid rather than my Career! She was the only one who appreciated me for leaving my job!! Others were convincing me that my kid will come around and he will adjust to my absence and he will be okay at day care!! Even my dad was highly disappointed when I left job. He said I will regret it later.. its been 6months I see no regret at all!! I'm happy 😊 😃
I’ve been a stay-at-home mother for 12 years now. Just had my 5th baby. I also homeschool. I get plenty of judgement and zero support outside of my husband. No help from extended family, no support or encouragement from the community. It’s a lot of work and it’s very lonely for me. Worth it! But lonely.
Genuine question: how do you get to a place to afford that? I'd love to stay at home with my kid but idk how to make that happen. Pregnant with number 1 rn.
@@platyadmirer it becomes more expensive to pay for childcare than stay home if you have that many close together. You go without, eat simple, don’t eat out, thrift shop etc. Lifestyle change.
Being a mother is the hardest job ever to do properly. I have always worked part time and they have never had childcare apart from their grandparents. It has mostly been very rewarding apart from the PND and the teen years. Thankyou .
It really is not. You all choose to pretend it is, by making it all about yourself.
@@jackdeniston6150 Wow, just wow. What an appalling reply.
@@jackdeniston6150 going by your name, I'm assuming you have zero experience of being a mother. I think the comment is correct - being a mother IS the hardest job to do PROPERLY. At no point did she say she resents it or doesn't recommend it!? My part time work is way easier and often less arduous than motherhood, but I would choose motherhood everytime! It's infinitely rewarding ❤❤
@jack 🤣 "your opinion is wrong" cracks me up when people do this.
I absolutely love my job as a stay at home mom. It's hard, frustrating, exhausting, monotonous, yes. But it's also thought provoking, challenging in a good way, spontaneous, makes me want to improve myself for my children to have the best mom possible, it's surreal, kids are amazing and teach us so much every day.
I was single and childless till my 30s and while it was great I would never in 10 million years go back. That life is so self centered and the long term outlook is pretty lame compared to being a mom.
@@agirlisnoone5953 so my opinion is wrong then.....
Single father,widower. So I have a very good understanding of the ´job´. And it appears to me a lot of women do unnecessary, pointless work to justify. Work focused on the pretty house, rather than raising children. It is not hard, your selfish attitude makes it hard.
I enjoy arc interviews very much but this by far the most important.
My friend and i , both in early 70s were having this conversation just this week. I usually say it is the elelphant in the room, it is the one thing you can not say , that children need mothers and that the situation has got to a critical state because the knowledge of how to be a mother is getting lost.
This was music to my ears and hopefully a sign that a shift might be taking place.
Mothers can save us from this slippery slop that humanity is currently on.
Now that is real work and real power.
YES !!@ BOOK RECOMMENDATION...A GODLY SEED by LILY AMANI
Thanks to Erica Komisar for speaking out the truth. I am a victim of a narcissistic mother (and a weak father) who once told me frankly that she didn’t want to give up anything (work) for me and that she would do it all over again just like she did.
I am suffering from several trauma symptoms and no regular life is possible until now in my mid fourties‘. It’s a huge awful unnecessary struggle.
I pray healing and restoration over your life. God is able to resurrect and heal you.
I pray for you 🙏🙏🙏healing is possible 😇
I guess the part that really breaks my heart is despite sacrifices, renting a home, driving cars older than 20 years, budgeting, having a cushion, trying to retire, student debt, the cost of healthcare and the rising cost of living, it seems not being a two income household is not an option at this time. I know we aren’t the only family in this position.. leaving my baby at 12 weeks to put food on the table and a roof over our head and a future, was the hardest choice I felt like I didn’t really have another choice to make. I keep praying for policies and a culture shift to support young families. The woman I mother with are also in this same heart breaking position where they’d prefer to be raising their own children but don’t have the privilege or luxury. I just had a conversation with a coworker who shared she missed her sons first steps and it broke her.. but she had no other choice than to work. I guess these conversations trigger me in a way that we are often told the importance of being home with our children and that it is our “material” desires that keep us in the work force. I know this narrative applies to some but perhaps not the masses.
Lauren, I really relate to your comment. I just had my first baby and I want nothing more than to stay home with him all day but feel like in order to survive I need to bring in some income, especially with my huge mistake of taking out a huge student loan in my twenties. I’ve been a nanny and preschool teachers for years and never could understand how mothers could leave their two month olds with a stranger for the entire day. I wish we could all give our babies what they deserve.
Obviously, I don't know all your details, nor do I need to. It sounds like you & your husband are making some good decisions now. But maybe some previous decisions have caused more struggle? .. which is why Erica mentions the importance of making a plan ahead of time.
Regardless, it's not hopeless, struggle is natural, there's a million & one ways to make money, and there are always opportunities to adjust how we live, if we really look for them & change our perspective.
Whatever your belief system, pray, wish, meditate, say mantras, give yourself stoic pep talks...
Change your thinking & you WILL change your life. Promise. ❤ (Check out teachings by people like Louise Hay)
SO many of us are rooting for you (& other parents) to be successful. You got this.
🙌❤️🙌
I hate hate this for you. I hate this for your friends. May things start looking different for you so that you can be with your babies 😣.
I do appreciate these conversations because it’s not regarding lovely women like yourself. It’s really about the mothers who really do say being in the work field is better and more important than raising the next generation.
I was a stay-at-home/homeschooling mother for all my eight kids…until my ex cheated and broke our family up. My youngest was two at the time. Now, I’m forced to work, but I live three doors down from my parents, who help with care. I do my best to be around and involved. But this is not what I wanted. It’s just sad. So many are hurt because of selfish, pleasure seeking narcs.
Sorry this happened to you. This is exactly why women felt that they need financial independence to handle situations like this. It's far too common and in many cases ladies have no option but to adjust with the circumstances and endure abuses. 😢
I'm sorry this happened to you. I was planning on homeschooling my child when she was ready, but her father became toxic and left recently and she's only 3 years old. Now I have to reconsider everything. I don't want to be away from her, I don't want her to go to public school, I don't want her to have a broken family. Some women are blindsided by just how selfish thier spouse becomes and aren't to blame. "You should have chosen a better partner" is what I see in a lot of comments. People lack compassion for situations like ours. It's sad.
Thankfully we serve a merciful and gracious God.
May He bless you and your children.
@@neelred10I agree . We have never been free. This is also why people don't get married or decide to have kids. They are afraid this happens .
I wish you strength! I really admire the women like you! Wish you to find the man you deserve!
Any advice for young women to avoid this?? We're 2nd gen from Narcs and hoping to advise our daughters!!
Thank you for this!! ARC will be pivotal in the long term. They are on the right side of History in helping put forth the proper vision of the future!
My mom returned to work when I was one month old. I wasn't in daycare though, I was watched by my grandparents. But I didn't even remember that they watched me. What I do remember is my mom having half Fridays off and sitting in the cart while she takes me shopping. I also remember being very attached and clingy to my mom as a young child, to the point extended relatives would comment on it. And I did deal with a great deal of depression as a teenager and onward, and have attachment issues to this day (39 y/o now)
I am so delighted. This conversation is overdue.
Erica, I'm not getting the support I would like from my job. The devaluing and de-prioritization you talk about for motherhood is really present at my current job. It makes me feel sad and anxious. They offer no paid maternity leave. It's been a very bumpy road for my husband and I expecting our second child in February. If it's a girl, her name will probably be Joan, because prior to knowing I was pregnant I was planning on attending the ARC conference in February. Please keep my family in your prayers. Thank you for everything you are doing to change the current story.
Finally!! I hope the time for this message has come!! Most important interview of 2024! Only one footnote: let’s not increase the number of kids in this world, but let’s raise those who do get to be born without stress, good attachment and close to our bodies and hearts. Love from an adoptive mum, stay at home and professionally successful after kids had grown older 😄such a joyful life!! ❤
I have 3 kids and I completely agree with all you say.I moved a lot saw lots of kids I different cultures and I have noticed kids who are taken care of by their mothers and fathers during first years are kinder,more empathic,have better emotional intelligence,calm,study good
I love this woman's mind and heart❤it's so beautiful and warm
Corporate culture strongly frowns upon women’s natural desire to be with their children. Coworkers laughed at me when I said I want to stay home with my child. Our CEO publicly proudly taught young women that you can simply tell your toddler that you won’t be around much and that your life is not a priority, work and career are the priority and you’re just fulfilling a checkbox on her accomplishments.
Children raised this way, that manage to survive, become the adults and require immense forgiveness, understanding and love to cope with such a failure in their parents.
I wish i could stay home with my son. I work full time and have the health benefits for the family so thats why i stay at my job, plus i do enjoy it. But i put my all into my time when im home, cleaning, cooking healthy meals, and playing with my son in between or uninterrupted. He has a strong attachment to me and my husband and also his grandmas who watch him when we are at work. We are blessed to have their support. Watching this makes me feel bad, but also good knowing im trying to do the best i can given our situation. Thank you for alk your work you do around child development and families. I hope more people get to hear your work and research. We definitely need it here in America. 💗
It’s wonderful that they get to be with grandma, kids need a village and grandma is the closest to a mom or dad
Grandma is the second best option for attachment in young children - I think it’s great that your child gets to spend lots of time with grandmas
There are us who are forced to work. The most vulnerable women are those over 55. Then women who depended on their husbands income and money management usually are let down and have to face life alone and penniless... I would love to have more time with my daughter but i get taken for granted as well.
"You don't want your kids living in the basement forever."
This is such a western concept. You shouldn't want your kids to struggle financially until they hopefully make it. My children are encouraged to stay unless they depart for school or some program that invests in their future. Keep the wealth in the family and save money together. When your adult children are working and can contribute to the groceries and other bills, that's wise. Build an empire for your family. This American mind that kids should be out there paying their own rent as soon as possible is a peasant mentality.
I just spoke on the detriment of peer attachment on Children at the IFTCC
I would say though Children need even more than 3 years to limit peer attachment and create secure parental attachment and even then putting Children in our corrupted education system creates a disconnect from parental values
Very true, peer orientation is a huge problem. I think it was Gordon Neufeld who said “If you wanted to make children peer oriented (instead of attached to their parents) daycare plus our current public schools would be the perfect way to create that.”
Gordon Neufeld’s book “Hold On to Your Kids” was life changing. We choose to have mom stay home plus homeschool our kids at the moment.
Do they still read “Lord of the Flies?” It had us convinced we needed to rely on adults 😂
I love what she brings to the table . It's important to teach young girls to choose partners wisely . A lot
Of things can happen but at least you can lessen
The chances of ending up as a single mother . All of this is easier ima. Family unit. A dad that works and mom that stays home during the earlier years .
Yep an honest Christian man or woman.
I sincerely doubt that in most cases it's the husband or parents saying "you're too smart to stay home and be a mother". Far more often it's their "friends", other mothers, or childless working age women, these days the majority of whom are the type of narcissists she described, and are not prepared to go against the modern social and feminist grain to put their child's interests first.
My Dad said this when I had my child and became a stay at home mom.
Actually very often it is the parents of the woman saying these things
And in-laws...
Yes parents and in-laws
My mother said same thing when I had baby.
Excellent, overdue conversation. Great video and her book “Being There” is worth the read. This is the right direction for us all.
Keep up the great work and may God bless you abundantly for it! 👏👏👏
I stay home with my kid because I got into so much trouble. Nobody paid attention to me and it’s a miracle I am alive. It’s a miracle I never accidentally killed someone. It’s a miracle i got away from all that but there are young people struggling everywhere making bad choices just to get attention that really do lead to self destruction.
Gosh thank you so much for voicing this. I loved every word. This has to be promoted not only between woemn but men for them to support their wifes in the future. My husband does nit value at all me being with our kid. He's crazy that i l put on hold my high paid job.
How do I make up the first three years of my child's life. We escaped domestic violence. We're safe now, but in the beginning, we had to disappear and change our names.
Now we're in the healing processes, as well as myself from not only that but from my childhood, I've really been trying to demonstrate pure, unconditional love.
Please share loving tips!
💕🙏🌈
Erica says around age 9 is another important period of brain development. Do all the attachment stuff for your child. Anyone can heal at any age. Best wishes to you
Your message is so important even if it should be common sense, it just shows how much it's needed so don't stop shouting it from the rooftops, i don't have kids yet but I've always knows they'll be the most important thing and the number one thing I look for in a partner is that they feel the same on that
My grandfather passed away leaving behind 3 kids, so my mom used to say "we would have been on the streets had my mother not being working". My grandmother was a working mom in the 1950's. My aunt with 6 kids got divorced way back in the 70s. She faced financial difficulties all through her life as she had limited means to earn a living.
I wish I could stay at home with my kids so bad. I’m a single mom and split custody with their dad and thankfully I only work 2-3 days/week while living with mom below my means but any free time I get I try to be with them.
This really explains a lot about why our whole culture is crumbling and so many women are choosing not to have children - like their maternal instinct has been short circuited. And why so many WOMEN are vehemently pro-abortion?!?
It is incredibly perverse, isn’t it?
Wow, that's terrifying to hear it from that perspective! It sounds like - women actually hate being WOMEN...
I guess that's actually, probably the pinnacle of feminism isn't it?
Outcome of feminist movement. SMH
Pregnancy and childbirth is a risk to women, a physical risk, and then child care, raising children takes a toll on their body, mind, energy, careers, finances etc.. Earlier, women didn't have a choice. Just to survive, they had to marry any man no matter how unsuitable, incompetent, unpleasant etc and have his kids. Now they have choices, which is good. Because in the earlier system, women and children suffered a lot, especially if the man was not rich enough.
Some of the most just oh, "smart " women raised some of the most incredible inventors in history. There was always a very intelligent and insanely wise mother behind all of these great figures... or sometimes fathers.
But, mostly mothers. It started in their childhoods. When mothers would organically/naturally spend a lot of time with their children. AKA raising YOUR own kids, like this lady is talking about. If you read some biographies of inventors, you can learn a lot about how parenting not only was done differently (I think in general society) but how these parents *specifically raised such great brains.
The need for two working parents started at the same time as when the rules loosened about married women in the professional workforce changed. More money per family available for house buying. Low end working class married women usually had to work to make ends meet. (I can't work out a better way to say it. This is my background) White collar women had a different experience I think.
I think you have to be careful. I'm a working mum with a hubby but we can't afford to have one and one out of work but on minimum wage. It was chats like this that would make me feel demonized for working. But then I would also feel demonized if I didn't work to provide a decent life for my girl. Thus I think this is a very middle class subject especially in the UK.
This specialist should talk to government ppl and put it into their ears, so there instruments for parents to stay home with kids longer than just 12 weeks postpartum.
Erica, I chose to stay home with my children from the day they were born and I desire and choose to be at stay home for years to come! I also, when I hear you and see that you had three children and yet are such an accomplished woman, and have your own profession speak for you to us. I would love to read a book or hear you in a podcast how did you raise three children practicing what you are teaching and be such a successful woman in the professional world as well? I do not feel I am to smart to be with my kids bc I believe that is the wisest thing to do and at the same time I have so much knowledge, skills, and experience that I would love to share with the world and help the world and make some income as well that could help me afford for the needs of my kids development as they grow older as well! Please speak more how did you make it work in detail about it. I would appreciate that very much!
I married a Philipina 😎
We moved her mother, 2 x Brothers & 2 x of her sisters into our home - I also run my own business from home 😎 Our children are constantly bombarded with attention & love 😊
I hope this will get millions of views 🙏❤️
I do love admire Erika so much! this is my point for last 20 years and working as a psychotherapist I can see how lost 3rd generation is they seriously have got starvation of emotions from own parents🥲we need to start to change it, we are people awaken hearts and a lot of work to be done🙏
I am a mama at peace who stays with my children at home, homeschooling, breastfeeding on demand. I am always there when they need me and never at our home we say” don’t cry”. My children thus have those things that I never had. We are not financially rich but we have no problem with that because we know that our children have what they deserve.
Clearly, we don't know all of each other's details, nor do I think we need to. Many are struggling even though they've made some good decisions now. But maybe some previous decisions have caused long lasting struggles? .. which is why Erica mentions the importance of making a plan ahead of time.
Regardless, it's not hopeless, struggle is natural, there's a million & one ways to make money, and there are always opportunities to adjust how we live, if we really look for them & change our perspective.
Whatever your belief system, pray, wish, meditate, say mantras, give yourself stoic pep talks... whatever!
Change your thinking & you WILL change your life. Promise. ❤ (Check out teachings by people like Louise Hay for inspiration.)
SO many of us (in it or on the other side of this) are rooting for you all to be successful human beings and parents. You got this.
🙌❤️🙌
What a beautiful interview. She is absolutely right
Amazing video!
I fully agree with this woman. Such an intelligent and wise woman.
Thank you for your time and your words!
Ladies…. Being a Wife and Mother is not oppression. It is your duty in a family, just like a man is responsible for being a husband and father more important than being “successful “ and become rich and buying all these material shit. Money comes and goes, but keeping family and true friends are becomes very fragile if you don’t focus and commit to it.
My parents are one of 7 and one of 8. I grew up with a gazzilion cousins to play with and it was awesome! My three kids have only one cousin so far, with the trajectory my siblings and siblings in law are on I highly doubt they will have to many more.
We are not too busy or too smart, we are too poor in a country that does not prioritize the health of mothers or their children.
I actually feel for mothers who aren’t stable financially, their husbands withholding finances. That’s the REAL reason women go back to work😢
As we moved from a family based economy to a corporate based economy, the family has been deteriorating. In a mom and pop business or farm, the whole family is included. The young and the old. We need to go back to a family based economy instead of a corporate based economy. In a free market there are no corporations because the government doesn’t charter corporations in a free market.
Another alternative is to get a job where you can telework. I telework full-time, work while my kid is at school, focus on parenting when she’s home, work on my laptop some more when she’s asleep, and work on weekends to catch up here and there as needed. I get earned income and be a focused mother at the same time - I love this!
Diese Frau spricht mir aus der Seele und es bricht mir das Herz, dass mein Mann und ich defizitäre Eltern sind. Es kostet mich unheimlich viel Kraft die Verbindung zu meinem Kind zu halten aufgrund von starker Bindungslosigkeit als ich Kind war. Aber ich repariere mich und begleite gleichzeitig mein Kind so gut ich kann.
Es ist auch sehr schwer einen Therapeuten zu finden, wo genug Passung da ist.
Dieses Thema macht mich sehr traurig. Ich spüre förmlich eine gesamtgesellschaftliche Verachtung gegenüber Frauen und Kindern.
Danke Erica, ich fühle mich gerade weniger einsam ❤
Liebe Erica, eventuell möchtest du auf Fachtagungen unter Psychotherapeuten darüber sprechen, ob es Sinn macht, dass alle Mamas und Papas im Wochenbett mindestens 6h Psychotherapie daheim bekommen und zwar von der Krankenkasse gezahlt. Ich fände das eine ganz tolle Sache. In Berlin haben Psychotherapeuten da ein Projekt gestartet.
Liebste Grüße,
Alexandra
America needs a big big change
As a stay at home mom, I love raising mine, loving on them whenever i can. Disagree with them too! 😂
People look down on me for not "working" some look up to me and praise me.
In the end I dont mind what other people think. I know i,m trying my hardest to give my child a loving, warm childhood. I care what what my child thinks and feels. I care what my husband thinks and feels.
I firmly believe that a career is pushed to women for the sole purpose of gaining more tax. I m not against working as a woman yet i will teach my daughter that there is more then a career in this world. There is not one lucky ticket to happiness yet I have found that having a family has given me profound purpose, motivation to make a better life for them. To be a better person for them❤
Dr. Allan Schore, an Interpersonal Neurobiologist, describes the nature of this problem quite well in a YT video which was formerly called, "The First 1000 Days".
"Psychiatry/Psychology measures a person's adaptation to the society in which they find themselves. No inquiry, however, is made as to that society's adaptation to the natural order of things"- Dr. Hubert Benoit-"Zen and the Psychology of Transformation"
Wonderful. Thank you so much.
Ok...just one thing guys...we can no longer afford not to work. And this has always been the case for the poorer population. It has now reached higher up as well.
I have 2 children but in this era, I think people are being smart and making wiser decisions before committing to marriage and procreation.
Many of these people admit they are selfish which is great. They value their time and would rather not take on something they see as a burden. I truly think it’s wise. Not everyone wants to commit to raising children and that’s okay
At age 19 when I met my partner our whole relationship we knew we wanted kids. Both finished school, married at age 24 and had baby at 25. We saved up to buy a house and get a savings so I was able to not work. I left my job as a director we are now with our second baby 3 months and my 2 1/2 year old. This is the most important job I’ve ever had. I think you’re right about not planning I even changed my career to be more flexible when kids are older. I am getting my masters to be a licensed marriage therapist to be able to work less hours. My husband and I are able to live off of his income we don’t have fancy cars and aren’t big spenders.
Now that's SMART!🥲 You know that being a mother is so important you're actually going to school again, to be able to get a job that will allow you to be flexible with your time with your children while also providing an income. You're making your life 🫶🏼family💕 centered. This is actually very inspiring to me. Thank you
Maternity leave is not the answer! So stupid to keep saying that.
Kids need their moms for years! A couple of mat leave is not nnneay enough.
Paying Dad enough so Mom can stay home the entire childhood of a child is what needs to happen.
Also, stay at home mothers should be paid by their husbands for their career sacrifice. They should get some salary in their account every month and also he should contribute to her retirement fund equally. Otherwise it is a risk for the woman.
Most mothers would want to stay home 100% and take care of their children. However it’s the large gap in the CV that recruiters do not want to see. Very few recruiters are understanding when explaining that I had to take time off my career to take care of my new born.
Just found you through interview with RCR NZ thanks for your work!
There's a diff between being smart and being wise.
I would like to see research on the reasons for going to back to work while having a baby. Is it really from pure selfishness and narcissism as she is saying? Or are there any other reasons? The need to earn money to provide food and shelter for your kids for example.
50% of the poorest USA population shares only 2,5 % of the total wealth.
Also, financial independence is the key to freedom. To leave an abusive situation or marriage. Freedom is the key to good health and happiness.
It pays big. Staying at home is the best option for a mother.
Such a different perspective to myself or any mothers I know. I’m in the trenches of babies and toddlers but am without a village (grandparents off living their best life), in a city where cost of living requires two incomes to have a roof and food. I can only afford 1 year on mat leave per child. And I am giving my all, I have given up all hobbies and social activities outside my kids. I wish I could afford to stay home longer, as do all my friends but we have been dealt the cards that won’t allow it. Hearing older generations saying we are all choosing this baffles me!
I would say try to think of creative solutions (sometimes even radical ones) like co-sharing living spaces, moving to a more affordable area. My husband said there’s no way we could survive on one income but I knew I could not leave my son. I knew if we could cover rent and food we could find a way and now here we are 4 years later and we are still doing the impossible. We still live in silicone valley with some of the most expensive rents in the world.
@@georginanicole4156 probably the reason you are baffled is because our mothers didn't have any social activities or sports to give up.
Children need healthy attention, that is all. Are you 100% sure that you want to spend more time with them . Perhaps you are in which case can you find anyway to make that work. It is not even just about being with them, it is about creating a warm , organised, unstressed home. Of putting love into everything you do.
Sorry if that sounds patronising , i don't know your situation , i am just saying sometimes we have to think out of the box.
THERE IS A CHRONIC SHORTAGE. OF MOTHERS.
@@virginiacreager4331 we are in Melbourne Aus, already moved 40 mins further out from family for ‘more affordable’ housing, however the mortgage for our 3 bedroom unit has gone from 3.4K to 6.6k per month due to interest rate hikes. We are pretty trapped. I am doing all I can to get us set up hoping to work 3 days per week in the future.
@@BR26-o6o mine did, my parents were big travellers. Growing up they played tennis and golf among other interests. travelling every few months and going to restaurants at least once per week. So I guess it’s just a big contrast for me compared to my childhood. Everyone I know would love to stay home with their babies, we just can’t afford it.
I agree w/the above commenters. I grew up w/ frugality & a mother willing to sacrifice social norms so "sacrifice" came 2nd hand rather than "omg, I have to give up XYZ...!".
The cost of clothing, gas, car maintenance, food, time, & daycare could not justify the argument of an outside paycheck for us.
Garage sales, thrift stores, consignment shops, used book stores, & of course hand me downs are a HUGE savings. And "treasure hunting" is a ton of fun!!
Buying most of our food on sale or BOGO deals.
Making one meal for all, several nights a week, & eating leftovers taught respect for life & not to be wasteful. Eating out used to be for a special occasion. Packed lunches.
Good cooking & smart shopping are HUGE skills.
Showing our love w/small meaningful experiences for (most) celebrations instead of magnanimous gestures & expensive gifts taught our children the value of people and not "things".
They had quality belongings & never did without.
Easy & fun:
"Something they want, something they need. Something to wear, something to read."
Nowadays, it is absolutely *shocking* to hear what people pay for their cell phone & service. Ditto for streaming services : apps.
1st, kids don't *need* a phone or other digital devices for that matter. It's actually developmentally detrimental.
2nd, when the time comes, basic burner phones are sufficient. Social media is more damaging than helpful.
3rd, for $35 now (was $25), I get unlimited on my Android.
This is by no means an exhaustive list, but the latest fun save was turning off our hot water heater. (My mother had been doing it for decades.)
$60/mo ($720/yr) just like that. Maybe turn it on only when you need it in the evening for showers, then off before bed. How would you spend an extra $3-400 dollars a year??
Good luck everyone! ❤️
You are so right i had 4 childern and stayed home with them until they were 5 and than got ajob that fitted in with school hours. The job may not have beena high paying but it ment i was home with them. When they started high school i worked at better high paying job . They were only home for an hour by themselves at high school age. You can have it all but not when they need you most. You must put you childern first or don't have them. I worked until i was 63 so there is plenty of time for youself when they are in their teens.
Thank you Erica! 🙏🏼
Did not work in the past and will not work now because a child needs both the parents. Anyways good luck y'all!!
The problem is that these days one salary is absolutely not enough
Great message...💯
Just work harder and sacrifice for your kids is a tired answer. We sacrificed so much to scrape by and still needed dual income. No out to eat, no frills. Be for real rn.
Very insightful 🤩🤩🤩🤩
The biggest issue is companies over working fathers thus putting more on the mothers and unable to help balance the home
Needing to note mothers working or staying at home both are negatively affected by fathers being overworked this less time with the kids
I had a stay at home mom and did not go to kindergarten, nor did my siblings. We all went to public school. Home was not a good place for us. My parents were poor and had really no friends, so even they were happy with their life - I was not. I was glad to go to school to meet other people. Always wished my mother would have worked, because not being one of the poorest kids in school would have absolute being worth it. By the way we never had a good relationship, neither mom and I nor my siblings and I. So from my experience I'm not sure if what Mrs Komisar is telling is absolute true... 🤔
These people: "If you can't afford to stay home with your kids then you are a bad parent"
Modern young adults: "Okay well since I need to work to afford to live I guess I shouldn't have kids"
These people watching birth rate decline all over the developed world : "Wait not like that!"
Many families absolutely need 2 incomes to afford to live, that just how the modern world works. It seems financially irresponsible to bring children into this world without being able to afford to give them a good life, including daycare or being able to support a large family on a single salary. People aren't choosing not to have kids because they are selfish, they are doing so because having children in the current world is insanely expensive and stressful, so it makes sense not to unless you are at least somewhat financially stable which is just not realistic for many people. So instead of just calling current young adults selfish and bad maybe Erica could actually discuss real actionable solutions to declining birthrates instead of just taking the easy way out blaming "Kids these days..."
Unreal. If you are too busy to raise your kids, you need to DROP EVERYTHING ELSE AND MOTHER YOUR CHILDREN!!! That is your primary role and responsibility as a WOMAN.
THIS WAS SO GOOD!! THANK YOU :)
so important message and so true!
Alright. Question here: when the child whines, I find myself having to force my emotions deep down to not react. I purposely detach my heart from feeling my child’s pain so I do not give in to their needs. Do I do this as a mom, or give in. It is so hard to shut my emotions down so I can train a child to not get his way for every little thing. Parenthood is so hard. 😢
As much as you can, say yes to things. Keep things out of sight that you do not want them to whine about. Give choices that you are ok with (for example no cookie but you can have apple or cracker, you can walk by yourself or you can hold my hand etc). Be consistent - as much as you can stick to how you say you'll enforce things and they will catch on that you mean business (when you say 10 more pushes on swing and then time to go, take down and time to go). Routines help a lot, and talking about how the transition is going to happen before you make it helps too. They are pushing boundaries which is their job as toddlers (and teenagers...), but it is your job to maintain them. Another thing for whining is they're more so looking for attention than actually wanting the thing, so if you can, take a minute to give them a hug. Good luck! It is hard!
Adding to the excellent comment above...
Observing and reading children's needs have historically, for ALL of humanity, been *acquired* skills passed down through generations. This is what we have been missing & what Erika touches on. They've been traded for a paycheck & freedom at the cost of our children's most basic well-being.
So the question about "how to respond" depends on the age & developmental ability of the child (infant or 9yro?, emo intelligent or on the spectrum?), their temperament (easygoing, defiant, confident or not?) and the environment (@ home or in public, permissive, overly strict, or negligent role models?).
I wish I could give you a one-size-fits-all answer, but it's not that simple. Good parenting is a highly skilled art form. ❤️
Just a quick comment, when my grandson [age 6, or the younger one [age 3] whine, or demand or even try to push me, I say very slowly " That behaviour doesn't work on Grandmothers!"
If they repeat the unwanted behaviour, I tell them, ❤" It doesn't work. I feel put off when you do it again. I'm going to walk into the next room and wait for you to feel better. Come to me and we will have a cuddle and a talk.
Then I walk away.
I stay calm. I sit somewhere and gently smile.
They take between 3 and 8 minutes to
change their thoughts, relax, and come over to me.
I tell them that I understand how hard it is to want something and not be able to have it. I reassure them that they are doing well, and trying to balance themselves.
Then I move on to another activity.
Hope this helps a little. ❤ ❤
Love the ideas on here already, I think all of them are great and help! I do what you do too when my daughter whines, and try to shut off a bit emotionally. Sometimes I will walk to another room for a bit until she calms down.
But a few more tips that reduce whining:
-take your kids outside a lot. Sunshine and exercise will put them in a better mood.
-give them very little screen time (less than 1 hour per day or maybe no screen time during the week, only on the weekend). Kids are in a worse mood after screen time every time.
Sooo glad to be hearing this. THIS is critical for community and civilisation. May our political leaders be smart enough and brave enough to take this on board, as a policy priority.
Shouldn’t have taken home economics out of curriculum
I do not disagree with what she's saying however rather than telling us women that going to work is so wrong for our child she needs to acknowledge the world has changed. Rather than making women feel guilty, how about telling and educating us on HOW we can help our children whilst we work.
For example, I have been a single parent from birth. I was in an abusive marriage and made the decision to leave. My home is a peaceful home with zero conflict and happy moments. If I was not working, I would not have been able to leave my marriage. I HAVE to work full time but I know for a fact that I am a thousand times more present with my child when I am at home compared to some SAHM. This lady does not take into account modern day dynamics and some have absolutely no choice. You can be at home with your child and not entirely present. I am absolutely for women working part time at least, so that they are never fully financially dependent on a man.
As for staying at home being harder than working. Not for me, when I am at home with my child, it is much much easier than working and doing absolutely everything myself and being two roles combined into one - a home maker and a provider. My job as a school teacher in the UK is far more stressful than being at home with my child, even as a single parent who does absolutely everything by themselves.
Solutions to real life problems is what we women need and not just the grim story of the effects.
The gentleman in the video understands society better than she does. I can tell by his questions and contributions.
Jesus helps!❤
👏✝️ Jesus is the answer, to ALL your problems.
it's pretty ironic how a person can be "too smart" while simultaneously damaging the human race
"If you are strategic...."??? People can't always be strategic. This means that if my wife and I got pregnant surprisingly, (which we did, in the 90s), then we can't do a good job of raising them? Therefore less than optimal planners raise children with lack of empathy and attachment issues, because we're not good enough planners?
Thankfully I made enough money to keep my wife home, and thankfully she valued that too...
But my grandson is now in daycare, and there's no amount of frugality or belt tightening that would prevent that.
This is a good Video in a lot of ways, but it doesn't fully acknowledge the constraints for parents' who recognize the value of staying home with their children, but simply can't do it.
Frederick Douglass - It's better to raise strong children than to repair broken men
She's talked about elsewhere how the next best thing to staying home with your baby is having immediate family care for them. Meaning grandparents. Why can't you or your wife take care of your grandson so he doesn't have to be taken care of by strangers?
You say no amount of frugality or belt-tightening can fix that but you're the grandfather...
It's obvious you're offended by some of the things she said, but maybe you can take it as an opportunity to shift your perspective and take accountability for the potential shortcomings that came up throughout your kid's childhood.
Your grandson has so much more of a chance at breaking the cycle of "we didn't know what we were doing" that so many people of your generation perpetuated to the generation now raising your grandchildren.
This woman wasn't attacking you, she was sharing her professional opinion in an attempt to make the next generation more aware and accountable for their children's future.
29:00 the only spot I disagree! I think people are waiting too long to get married is making them so set in their ways which makes it so hard to join together!
Getting married young was the best decision I made! My husband and I have had so many experiences that have allowed us to learn and grow together before we were too set in our own ways!
I quit my job as an engineer in the aerospace industry to stay home with my kids. I have a university degree is economics with a 3.9 GPA. My IQ was literally genius level. I use all of my IQ and education to try to be a good mom…I think being a good parent requires intelligence.
It’s the dumb thing to do to be so prideful that you think being a cog in the economy is more important than the human beings you created…
I'm in South Carolina, USA. Can you recommend a good therapist within a 50 mile radius? This is important. Will you help me?
We need maternity leaves and the society's acceptance of returning to work after a few years. We do not need to be told to stay home. The problem is we do not have an option. If we have maternity leaves that is long enough in the US, like most other developed countries (or ever developing countries), if we can return to work after a few years without too big of a setback, I believe a lot of moms would choose to stay home with their children during those critical early years.
I was born in early 70s. My parents were born in the mid 1940s. My parents grew up under a cloud of misery and fear. (My grandparents never learned how to raise kids beyond the purpose of needing the free labor on the farm..and could never have imagined that there was anyting to learm beyond what was neeeded to work on the farm...FOR THEM! )
Consequently my parents never had "good parent" skills modeled for them...and my brothers and I were a "test market" of raising their kids.
Long ago i recognized that as i got older...I was learning and noticing what was needed to be a good... (while I idealy should have been a parent my self)
Because I suspected I never prepared to be a parent when i was an ideal age to become a parent...i never wanted to have kids until i was ready. I know people will say "you are never ready"....regardless...if you have kids you have to be ready for the challenge...and i was never prepared for the challenge... mentally.. financualky... etc... in my mid 50s now...i dont regret NOT taking on such an important task...without being prepared.... if my "maslow needs" were never met up the hierarchy...how could i have passed on the same to a kid?
This is sad, but i agree with you. You were realized you short-changed and then tried your best with the card you were dealt.
This just highlights how serously important being (learning how to be) a good parent is.
How do I switch on that maternal preoccupation? I've known I've been deficient in something like that for a few years now, but haven't heard an explenation or name for it before. I think my own mother was lacking in this.
Have you had a baby yet?
I think we are wired for this, but like any wiring it can be faulty or malfunctioning in the beginning...so find help..(baby blues are a real experience for many, your hormones and body are up to things they have not done before...).
It's there. No part is missing, but your conditioning has, as is largely the case, usurped the body's messages by thoughts. "How do I switch it on?", bless you for the question, and hold onto it until, as Rilke said, 'You live yourself into the answers." If one had this, it would be obvious to them, and this is a sad reality. Best to you, and keep asking the questions..in and of itself it will help all involved.
Maybe we should delay having kids untill we are financially stable as a couple and also have less number of children . Like 1 or 2. Not more. Quality over quantity.
Thank you!
My son is two and a half. I am afraid that i did him alteady damage by often not being patient, getting angry , especially at night when he wakes up..i feel very sad and wanted to ask if you think now he's already hurt a lot and what i can do to better..i can only start with now to do things better but its very hard not to critizise myself which takes away energy from me, but which would be appeopriate i think because i did so many things wrong until now. I hope its not too late ! And that he''s not already hurt too much for his future life🙏🏼
May I recommend the following actions?
Choose the next quiet moment you are with your son.
A good time may be when you are saying goodnight.
Look directly at him and say " You are very important to me"
I care about you. And I care about how we work together.
I love you so much.
And I need to say sorry to you.
I've lost my patience, I've shouted at you, and I've been angry.
This is not your fault.
I will talk with you tomorrow about how we can work together, relax, and have fun."
Then plan your re-conn ection commitment.
1. You and your child need 15 or 20 minutes
Exclusive 1-1 time together. Do a non-demanding activity and just be there together.
2. Gently, re-establish your good thoughts and feelings for your child. And theirs for you.
3. Statements like " one thing I love about you is ......."
4. Catch your child being good! Acknowledge it and show your joy.
5. Let your child say whatever they do, and remember, all behaviour is a communication.
So if there are tantrums, screaming, hitting, whining, and biting, the child is protesting, and telling his mother all about these strong feelings.
6. Empathy and understanding for yourself. And for your child.
7. Children are intelligent and know sincerity from fake. Respect goes two ways.
8. Trust takes time. Tell your child you trust him. Let him try to help, to do something to contribute to family life. To be useful. To be clever and kind.
Consistently demonstrate these values in your interactions with you child.
It's never too late to begin again.
❤ Love to you from a grandmother in Auckland, New Zealand
Take deep breaths when you feel angry and remind yourself that he is in agony and needs your love. His intention is not to upset you. Forgive yourself, give him a hug and start over with loving words and a smile. It gets better with practice.
@@franceshorton918 thank you a Lot für your words🙏🏼
@@vintagejaki751 thank you
If you don't see the value of being a stay at home mom, especially in your child's first 3 years, then you are not smart.
WOW totally agree! ....Book recommendation for Bible believers ....A GODLY SEED by LILY AMANI.