A couple of comments: First of all, thank you to everyone who has watched this. Secondly, TED kind of picks your title and there is a very small window of time to approve/disapprove. Thirdly, I didn't think anyone would watch a talk on the dark night of the soul or how I learned to feel more by falling flat on my face. So because it had to do with EI, I went for that. And lastly to those who comment on all of the side issues (men and emotions, development, sensory integration, and a whole raft of other very relevant topics) you are absolutely right, but in a 10-14 minute talk you just cant touch on everything. Heck I wrote a 260 page dissertation on the dark night and gave it about 2 minutes worth of space in this talk! But thank you everyone, really. This has been humbling to say the least.
Thanks for your talk Kris, I think that in the following years a change will need to be made so that we can progress as a civilization. We shall not stay as a society which only values grades and pure mechanical intelligence. We need leaders who really think for their people an not only for their state. We need empathy to care about the poor (and rich) as we do with ourselves. And we need emotions so that we don't lose hope. Future is in cooperation and egoistic attitudes will have no place in such time.
Regret is the birthplace of empathy and grief is the birthplace of compassion..being vulnerable and open...rewires us thru emotional intimacy...beyond emotional intelligence
I completely agree with you, but this "being vulnerable" can also encompass emotional intelligence. I would not see this as separate whatsoever. It takes courage to be vulnerable and open yourself up. Which should be practiced when learning how to be more emotionally aware and secure.
YOU ARE A BLESSING TO MANY.THANK GOD YOU KNOW TRUTH.KIDS OF ALL AGES NEED TO ROLE PLAY-LEARNING HOW TO EXPRESS THEIR FEELINGS SO they DON'T ACT OUT&USE THEIR BODIES TO HURT OTHERS(VIOLENCE,DOMESTIC VIOLENCE,BULLYING,ETC.,ETC.).PARENTS CAN'T WAIT FOR PUBLIC SCHOOLS!THEY NEED TO TEACH KIDS NOW&BY EXAMPLE!LOVE&BLESSINGS
You're definitely onto something. I'm glad Emotional Intelligence was put in quotes. It always bothers me when someone tries to diss intelligence. The quotes explain a lot. But, a lot of scientists do tend to say, "...oh, they're just feelings...", as if they weren't real or relevant. My only point is that, if intelligence was used before-the-fact, then a lot of negative emotions could have been avoided. A lot of times, negative emotions are just stumbled into by the lack of intelligence. But then again, there are those those times when it's by no fault of your own. Either way, something has to be dealt with. You can't just dismiss it and "move on". I'm glad someone (you) said something about it. Thanks for the post.
This is a man who gives us a gift in less than 15 minutes. Empathy, intimacy and compassion make us whole and it makes our relationships whole. Thank you kind sir.
This video makes me feel secure. I can't properly express what I'm looking for and I get confused about it on different days, and it has been so long now. To know that it's expressed here by this man makes me feel like I can always go back and refocus, and express it to others. Thank you.
I got throught about 3/4 of this before I switched it off. This guy hasn't suffered enough. When one has been through a lot of suffering, it's not about being empathetic to others. It's actuall about getting off one's behind and helping them solve the problems. Screw Emotional Intellligence. Let's offer real help instead of 'thoughts and prayers.'
I thoroughly agree ... it's not intelligent to just empathize. Can you think rationally when you mirror the emotion of somebody else ? Sometimes you need to be hard to help somebody. Can you do that if you empathize ? If you feel their emotions ? And know how much it will hurt them if you are hard to them ?
After reading many of the comments to this talk, it is so very disappointing to see so much anger and hostility pointed toward a man for talking about and expressing (some) emotion. The level of criticism and petty fault finding go way beyond constructive criticism and basic opinions and are clearly attempts to punish a man for daring to talk about emotions and their importance in life. I guess it shouldn't be too surprising, but I wonder how long it will be when a man can talk about these things without being met with intense resistance. I realize not everyone needs to be deeply emotional, but to not see the value of emotions or their intelligence is one of the most pressing issues of our time. It could literally be the death of us if we think that science and technology are the only things we need to survive.
I feel like I can emotionally connect with anyone. But im autistic, and I feel I also have a total lack of ability to connect both ways at the same time.
It was Carl Jung who said that "all neurosis is a substitute for legitimate suffering"The dark night of the soul is when that which keeps us from a greater awareness of ourHumanity, dies. From this death then comes freedom, It's the kind of awakening that trulyTransforms
I'm honored to have access to and to have seen your lecture on this subject. Although we each have much work to do to accomplish emotional improvement, your work adds meaning to the journey. Thank you Kris Girrell!
I'm starting to hate them, at first it was like "Woah, people that support me", not like my environment was, but now they are my environment and I'm not even polite, I don't mean I'm rude, I'm just not normal as these talks where people talk about creativity when they don't even know how to speak differently from the rest of speakers.
Dorie LaRue mislead by mislead(˘ω˘ )三 一═┳┻︻▄( ˘ω˘ )▄︻┻┳═一( x｀･ω･)▄︻┻┳═一( ˘ω˘ ) no emotional intelligence is real Memorizing your emotions is real .idiots woohoo i am intelligent you never find me
Question, Why is it some humans take the dark night of the soul & it brings forth compassion. & with others it breeds a cesspool of anger, hate, discontent, with the need to lash out & hurt & use as many others as their miserable life span will allow ? Also LOVE the Emotional periodic table ! Ever so good I have to share it with the Richard Feynman group :) Geek out !
One of my favorite things about video recorded lectures is that the ones that are produced we'll have a camera on the audience to capture reactions to different moments in the lecture, sometimes they are short and hard to catch if your not looking, but damn they pay off when you do notice, very helpful for expressing the volitity of a point.
EQ or Emotional Intelligence is simply a cope. They give it the name EQ to try and lend it validity. Being kind is often associated with a high EQ, yet people who are overly kind aren't particularly successful in life. Door mats are still door mats.
@@jlall4467 That's not it, either. Socialising is knowledge. You can't teach intelligence, you either have it or you don't. A certain amount of intelligence, or brain function, does allow for more complex social cues, though. But the idea that Emotional or Social Intelligence is a thing in and of itself just isn't true. It's simply repeated enough to where people believe it. There is only one form of intelligence, and it is general intelligence. People who are good at one thing, if they are interested enough in something else will very likely be good at that as well.
Any topic that provokes thinking is worth taking about.when I hear emotional intelligence it sounds like someone struggling to understand there self or others . Emotions are not intelligence and intelligence is not emotions.when I pursue a definitive definition of either of these words they fall short of an understanding. I think the first thing is to understand that we have three operating systems.once you separate them it will be easier to comprehend the process that is happening.
Often, those with "low emotional intelligence" aren't being "egotistical" when they view emotion as more often than not an inhibitor of, or unnecessary to, the truth of a thing. Sociologically speaking, I think we attribute far too much value to the validation of individual emotions on any given variety of topics. The stock in it is disproportionate to it's value in the pursuit of truth. It get's so bad that in combination with tribalism it often creates detrimental environments for fostering or nurturing the human condition. I'm reminded of this whenever I see two political parties butting heads, *both* refusing to move on a topic, causing, let's say, a government shutdown to the detriment of others. My observation is that this is primarily egotistically and emotively driven, and it is these very foundations that skew and produce undesired outcomes in what should really be a rational process. It's very disingenuous to paint people with high IQ's, or technical competency with "egotism" when it may very well just be confidence in a knowledge set, and placing less stock in emotion than others. I have seen this happen to others, and yes, I have been accused of it. (Even though I do not consider myself a "genius" by any stretch of the imagination.) I think it is very cool we identify the difference in personality types. I don't, however, think there is any value in saying "Intelligent people who elect to be less emotive are egotistical", much as there is no value in saying, "Emotive people cannot come to rational conclusions." Either is a delusion, and irrational.
@Mike Hobby I'll try to summarize my previously lengthy post: A.) You cannot gauge "how you come across" to every person. That metric is untenable. Perceptions will inevitably vary disproportionately, and sometimes for arbitrary reasons. It also "gives them power" to change your being that may be wholly unjustified, and a purposeful behavioral manipulation on their part. B.) The "fault" with a person who gauges another as "narcissistic" based on their perceived competence or confidence is their own, and equally as negative in composition as said "competent or confident person" insulting their lack of confidence or competence. Neither are acceptable, but they are absolutely both analogous.
In the end, still didn't get how we were "misled" by emotional emotional intelligence. He called it emotional intimacy in the end, but that's still in the realm of emotional intelligence. It seems he had an emotional epiphany, and finally "felt it". It seems to me, he never had understood what emotional intelligence was in the first place, just because he looked at it an a Sheldon-esque way.
He says misled because Intelligence to him & many, many people the word intelligence connotes a Fact of academic & intellectual knowledge, not a feeling that creates personal intimate friendships or relationships. Many people intellectualize emotions with out having any emotional or experiential understanding of feelings at all. To him Intelligence is not at all the same thing as Intimacy.
Antonio Brandao thank you, for writing what I was going to write, may I had that he is just some douche promoting his own book in the opening and trying to rephrase and reword everything to claim credit for himself. He's not contributing to a great discovery, just degrading it and rephrasing it exactly for what it is. So he can seem like he discovered EQ that isn't EQ. Call it how I see it.
Men dont have the same tear ducts as women apparently. It may be harder physically for some men to cry. SOme men may process emotions differently also. They may be less talk based and more action based. So if their wife died as an example they may work to complete their uncompleted boat project in the garage. They dont talk about their feelings. They process their thoughts and feelings by dedication to a task. It may be that some men have a distinctly different nature based on their hormonal structure not just cultural expierience... and likewise how they express that nature. There is no correct way. There need be no prescription, just taking individuals for how they are and offering them the space and respect they may need.
He stated he ran one of those early learning centers for pre-school where the kids are taught stuff that they are way too young to absorb. The only thing absorbed is the parent's money into his pocket. When it closed he "cried for 4 hours" because he lost income.
What I find interesting is that companion is the trait of a great leader, yet most CEO´s have psychopathic tendencies, where they succeed in our capitalist world due to their capacity to put revenue before all else, including other people.
I loved the vulnerability in this talk... a display of emotional ( intelligence/ intimacy) rather than a thesis... the words are limiting... just labels ... EI is expressed not understood x beautiful x
Unfortunately, not all of us have equal 'sensory intelligence'. We can't easily read interpersonal 'cues' and could not easily learn to read 'cues'. Making it difficult, 4-5% of the population have a visual-neurological dysfunction or like Dr Oliver Sacks who suffered from facial blindness or people on the spectrum of Autism. I know, because I unknowingly lived with this dysfunction most of my life. And, in our own and new ways do contribute. Maybe 'Emotional Intelligence' has its blindness
I was thinking the same thing. I remember reading about how people with autism will generally behave in the appropriate way once they know how someone is feeling. The difficulty is that they struggle with obtaining that knowledge. Autistic traits run in my family, and I think I fit somewhere on the spectrum. There is no lack of desire for me to better understand others, I just don't fully. It's like reading a page written in a foreign language, I can work some of it out, but everything else is a guess at best and all of it takes a lot of effort.
Hi and thank you for responding. I appreciate your sensitivity on this subject. Please know that the purpose of a TED talk is not to provide a full coverage of a subject but rather to tell a brief personal story (as was the intent of this particular TEDx "Stories that inspire"). Making the point of the fact that as a trained psychologist I could be numb to my own feelings was only one way at getting to the point that feelings and emotions provide rich data to us if and when we allow them. And yes there are those whose personalities or development disallow that information in some way or another, but that was not the direction of the story line I was telling. Please forgive any slight to those for whom this story does not fit (including one of my own family who is most likely Asperger-like in his lack of emotionality).
Thats exactly why he named it Emotional INTIMACY not Intelligence! You can still be in TOUCH with your own emotions without being able to recognize them in others. Seek your own company in meditation, and you will FEEL all of this....
Well done... sadly I can personally vouch for everything you said. "A total eclipse of the heart" is a pretty good phrase that I think kind of sums it up and it may be where the phrase "thou I walk through the valley of death I will fear no evil" actually originates emotionally from. Again, well done.
I'm deeply impressed by this. I recently discovered similar material, and it was truly remarkable. "The Art of Meaningful Relationships in the 21st Century" by Leo Flint
Bit Quacky. Depends on the individual. This is one person projecting their individual experience and isn’t necessarily true for everyone. Some people experience a dark night of the soul and are traumatised. This can lead to people dissociating and reduced emotional lability. Other people can experience these traumatic events and become emotionally disregulated. Some people are very empathic naturally and don’t need a traumatic upheaval to connect to that. The best solution is to take the pain and loss and reframe it. That way, you aren’t traumatised by it at all. How you have framed things in your mind is highly determinate of how you feel. I would also wager this gentleman suffers from depression. He has a whistful and somewhat shmaltzy ‘bitter sweet’ take on life that is commonly found amongst depressives. Given his losses and business collapses that would make sense.
I agree with this kind of revelatory occurrence that some would call the dark night of the soul through what separates it from its binary opposite which is a possible trauma; is a position of privilege of personal power in a situation of great personal change. I think it's like a tune you keep so that others recognize you. But we are talking about a better world. It's that ability to be tuneful that permits others to say oh he's/she's going through a phase. I'm going through a phase. The Dark Night of the Soul might conjure St Thersa of Avilla or some other individuation process, and good to know its process but to many, it would seem a bleak depression. We would all like to come out better at the end no one wants to come out of the process as the Dark Knight of the soul so it is good to remember who you are when you are. At the end of the Symphony, you can still whistle your own folk tune. It not really a demographic thing its about opportunity.
Great video! That "periodic chart of human emotions" alone is worth the price of admission to hear this 14 1/2 minute long video. Among other insights, Kris Girrell states that "the function of the dark night of the soul is to tear down the ego (a.k.a. "dying to self") and to teach us compassion".
I don't get why we use the term intelligence for things like this topic. I understand that IQ is supposed to be an attempt at a standardized measurement of reasoning ability and overall intelligence ability based on several components, but like he called it Emotional Intimacy is better and less distasteful to many people, I suspect. It's basically a skillset especially since it can be learned. I dunno why we don't refer to it as such. Then again, maybe I've played too many RPGs with stats and skills lol.
Eq is important you agree or not how can you be so selfish we think of love and understanding. Not for our own sake success comes when you connect with anyone even your loved one's.
emotional intelligence is intelligence because its not going through the experience its utilizing the experience. thats the intelligent part....I liked the chart, I would have probably looked into buying it, it would have been fun to have in my office, but since I dont need it bc im not a guy, guess not . \' > '/
It's not, actually, but his point is subtle and therefore does take attention and thought to comprehend. He says teaching "emotional intelligence" is not like teaching something concrete. It's not mental at all. It requires the act of being felt. He tried putting presenting emotions to the group in such a way that they could intellectually process it. But he realized he'd failed to teach them about emotion when he finally experienced his own Dark Night of the Soul. He says we're misled into thinking we can learn ABOUT emotions as if they are animate objects, with weight and names. He proposes it would be a better practice to call the acquired knowledge of emotion "emotional intimacy." He says emotion is something you have to experience yourself before you can understand it in others and when men disconnect from the "intimacy" aspect of their emotions, they are also missing out on some fundamental connections, like compassion. Perhaps listen to the entire talk again with these ideas in mind.
I do agree with some of the comments on here, that a lot of these people coming on these TED talks DO need some sort of intensive psycho-therapy, I mean thats what therapists are there for, to help you get more in touch with your feelings. Js.
Emotional intelligence is about knowing how to express feelings and emotions at an appropriate level for the situation before you. A person has a feeling and then expresses an emotion from which someone or something will give a response to. If a person see's a snake they may feel fear and then express an emotion of anger or terror (fight or flight) they may, through the course of knowledge and experience have learned to remain calm and move slowly away, thus creating a response where neither the snake nor the person is harmed by each other. If a child was too close to the snake, a parents reaction may (in most cases) to protect the child and forego any concerns of their own safety. Another example is if a person doesn't like what another is saying, they may feel offended even disgusted at what the other person has said but displays a cool and calm emotion, if you look at most debates on the news these days do we see that? The whole "I got carried away with my emotions" excuse is a simple lack of emotional intelligence to respond in a manner that is more appropriate to resolve issues or problems. All feelings have their place in both psych and physical health. Anger can motivate you to do something that requires more physical exercise (working out in the gym or hard physical labour) sadness tells you to stop overloading your system with more stressors and focus on dealing with the thing that hurt the most. We should all know that fear is to keep us alive etc. emotional intelligence is when we can use our feelings and emotional responses properly that best suit the situation. Being angry is easy, it's being angry at the right level, at the right time and focussed at the right target and for the right amount of time that is the challenge. He is right that we should be more empathetic but not everyone can read body language, and indeed a persons mind. It starts with knowing yourself, not really about controlling your feelings but rather accepting that you do feel and how to express them to help others understand you. Emotional intelligence is not just for good leadership, it is for everyone.
So to make it simple what emotional intelligence actually is, is showing only the emotions that people consider as good. For example happiness, compassion, care for others, and not the negative ones like anger, greed, hate. That is actually how you lie to people and act like you are always happy and positive and actually make them like you more, which means it's great to know if you are leading a group of people, if you're a LEADER. But actually you are not, because humans have positive and NEGATIVE emotions, because after all those 2 go together in a pack. Because everything has an OPPOSITE. And what you said about Anger can motivate you physically exercise more: No, you don't need to be angry to do it, you just need to MOTIVATE yourself to do it. ANGER can indeed Give you motivation for that, but it depends on what kind of person you are. So... everybody's Emotional Intelligence is different, and the definition of E.I. Is different for everybody.
Man doesn't get his own way discovers emotion so creates a Ted talk in regards to compassion that most of us already have naturally, musings born from ignorance.
First of all, you don't sound like you have natural compassion at all. Secondly, a lot of people - men especially - have been conditioned to not feel or express emotion. This speech is needed and very refreshing to watch. Just these harsh comments alone in response to a man talking about emotion and showing emotion is a real good indication of how much this way of being is rejected by so many.
This video has no point at all.. which is quite ironic when you're trying to argue a point in favor of "emotions" and get all but too emotional to even remember the conclusion you're trying to reach. If he was trying to make the point of men do actually feel emotions, and sort of demontrate it on the stage, well, no body really cares. Emotions are quite useless little things whenever you're trying to get stuff done or be halfway productive. Being more kind, considerate, understanding and generally nice to people which are traits in the so called EQ have literally nothing to do with emotions, but quite the contrary, with cold rational thought. As you can't have a cake and eat it too, you can't be considerate of someone's emotions and be very emotional yourself. So my conclusion is going full out emotionally is only ok when you're alone at home and can't hurt people around you because most of the times, people have their own shit going on and don't even consider to take a second and be patient with your emotional outbreak, so why bother ? Just because we are yet to fully understand the role, need or purpose of our emotions does NOT mean this is by any means a positive thing that we should now all focus on. This EQ mania pisses me off a lot, because I see all these people so bothered by their own emotions and egomaniacal need to share and impose them on others, that they completely ruin otherwise perfectly pleasurable conversations, evenings, parties and any given event. Emotions are much like bowl movements, you just don't need to share it, so why the hell did I just witnessed this guy's emotional dihareea on TED Talks?! what on earth could I possibly learn from it?
If these comments anger you, please analyze the true cause of your angry response. Many can relate to some of his comments but a connection with his thoughts do not equate to meaningful statements. Most of his comments are anecdotal and common knowledge. He seems to believe those common comments are somehow profound bit they are definitely not.
Hello Sir Mark, the reason of keeping me searching for motivational and inspirational videos is to make me stronger everyday in my life, and you're one of those things that just helped me a lot. Thank you so much.
I don't understand who this TED talk is targeted at, it seems useless to both emotionally intelligent people and imotionally crippled ones. I feel like it has no new information or contribution, it just sounded like a therapy session or a personal journal entry. Even the title never made sense!
To have the audacity to say that the dark night of the soul happened in one night is just ridiculous. If he in fact studied it HE SHOULD KNOW BETTER. I think he may have had a truly emotional experience but Dark Night of the Soul no. But hey he is getting paid . . I guess this is what TED is these days.
4-hours of convulsive uncontrollable crying is called a nervous breakdown; and the really ironic thing about that event is that it can take you completely by surprise.
This guy is trying to refute the ei. Its up to the person how he or she utilizes their EI.Even if.a person is in all kinds of grief and he was able to survive its because that person is EI.
I find your title misleading and extensive to 'all of us"- (quite untrue and unfair, as well as not emotionally intelligently towards the author of Emotional Intelligence)- me to think that the prior article or shop was completely wrong. I think your shop expands and complete, and thanks for that....VERY MUCH.
"Knowing how to respond to others’ emotional states is the essence of Emotional Intelligence." No. The essence is empathy (and some intelligence). And psychopaths have no empathy (although they can be quite bright). The only reason Sheldon (from The Big Bang Theory TV series) is acceptable is because he is a 'fictional' character in a comedy show surrounded by other fictional characters. Come on, would any of you ever put up with a Sheldon as a roommate for years? Just this season, Leonard learned he'd be rich if it weren't for Sheldon having stolen, hid and then losing all his (Leonard's) bitcoins. This talk was very disappointing. After learning about the lack of what Kris calls lack of emotional intelligence in a bunch of R&D managers in a pharmaceutical company, I threw up in my mouth a little. No one to do with any kind of medicine should lack emotions. Control over them, yes. But not even recognize them? NO! Lost complete interest in what Kris had to say after that. I sure hope this guy didn't get paid for giving this talk. Sounds like he was only promoting himself.
Where he fails, is noting that, emotional intelligence would easily guide you away from this lecture... to a historical documentary or music... or news... not MISLED BY EMOTIONS, its logic
Sheldon most likely has Asperger's. Basing a theory about emotional intelligence based on a "room full of Sheldon's" is goofy because that is a only specific subset of the general population
Some folks have asked about the Married Man's Survival Guide mentioned in this talk. It is available on Amazon.com www.amazon.com/Married-Mans-Survival-Guide/dp/1453706291/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1470243981&sr=8-1&keywords=married+mans+survival+guide
A couple of comments: First of all, thank you to everyone who has watched this. Secondly, TED kind of picks your title and there is a very small window of time to approve/disapprove. Thirdly, I didn't think anyone would watch a talk on the dark night of the soul or how I learned to feel more by falling flat on my face. So because it had to do with EI, I went for that. And lastly to those who comment on all of the side issues (men and emotions, development, sensory integration, and a whole raft of other very relevant topics) you are absolutely right, but in a 10-14 minute talk you just cant touch on everything. Heck I wrote a 260 page dissertation on the dark night and gave it about 2 minutes worth of space in this talk! But thank you everyone, really. This has been humbling to say the least.
👏👏👏
Kris Girrell - thank you for the talk. Really appreciated
Vibu Vignesh he surely said it. And it proves that he is a humble emotional intelligent Buddha.
Thanks for your talk Kris, I think that in the following years a change will need to be made so that we can progress as a civilization. We shall not stay as a society which only values grades and pure mechanical intelligence. We need leaders who really think for their people an not only for their state. We need empathy to care about the poor (and rich) as we do with ourselves. And we need emotions so that we don't lose hope. Future is in cooperation and egoistic attitudes will have no place in such time.
Where can I get a copy of that emotional periodic table? I need it for work 😍🤔😁👍🏽
Regret is the birthplace of empathy and grief is the birthplace of compassion..being vulnerable and open...rewires us thru emotional intimacy...beyond emotional intelligence
I completely agree with you, but this "being vulnerable" can also encompass emotional intelligence. I would not see this as separate whatsoever. It takes courage to be vulnerable and open yourself up. Which should be practiced when learning how to be more emotionally aware and secure.
Love this
@@bringontherainbows8369 Exactly
Substance lasts forever. This lecture is pure valuable substance! Thank you so much!
Powerful, heartfelt, passionate...The Master of Messy. This is the path to true enlightenment - vulnerability knows no bounds.
Bart...couldn'tve said it better myself
YOU ARE A BLESSING TO MANY.THANK GOD YOU KNOW TRUTH.KIDS OF ALL AGES NEED TO ROLE PLAY-LEARNING HOW TO EXPRESS THEIR FEELINGS SO they DON'T ACT OUT&USE THEIR BODIES TO HURT OTHERS(VIOLENCE,DOMESTIC VIOLENCE,BULLYING,ETC.,ETC.).PARENTS CAN'T WAIT FOR PUBLIC SCHOOLS!THEY NEED TO TEACH KIDS NOW&BY EXAMPLE!LOVE&BLESSINGS
You're definitely onto something. I'm glad Emotional Intelligence was put in quotes. It always bothers me when someone tries to diss intelligence. The quotes explain a lot. But, a lot of scientists do tend to say, "...oh, they're just feelings...", as if they weren't real or relevant. My only point is that, if intelligence was used before-the-fact, then a lot of negative emotions could have been avoided. A lot of times, negative emotions are just stumbled into by the lack of intelligence. But then again, there are those those times when it's by no fault of your own. Either way, something has to be dealt with. You can't just dismiss it and "move on". I'm glad someone (you) said something about it. Thanks for the post.
This is a man who gives us a gift in less than 15 minutes. Empathy, intimacy and compassion make us whole and it makes our relationships whole. Thank you kind sir.
This video makes me feel secure. I can't properly express what I'm looking for and I get confused about it on different days, and it has been so long now. To know that it's expressed here by this man makes me feel like I can always go back and refocus, and express it to others. Thank you.
I got throught about 3/4 of this before I switched it off. This guy hasn't suffered enough. When one has been through a lot of suffering, it's not about being empathetic to others. It's actuall about getting off one's behind and helping them solve the problems. Screw Emotional Intellligence. Let's offer real help instead of 'thoughts and prayers.'
The world needs more people who think the way you do.
I thoroughly agree ... it's not intelligent to just empathize. Can you think rationally when you mirror the emotion of somebody else ?
Sometimes you need to be hard to help somebody. Can you do that if you empathize ? If you feel their emotions ? And know how much it will hurt them if you are hard to them ?
After reading many of the comments to this talk, it is so very disappointing to see so much anger and hostility pointed toward a man for talking about and expressing (some) emotion. The level of criticism and petty fault finding go way beyond constructive criticism and basic opinions and are clearly attempts to punish a man for daring to talk about emotions and their importance in life. I guess it shouldn't be too surprising, but I wonder how long it will be when a man can talk about these things without being met with intense resistance. I realize not everyone needs to be deeply emotional, but to not see the value of emotions or their intelligence is one of the most pressing issues of our time. It could literally be the death of us if we think that science and technology are the only things we need to survive.
I feel like I can emotionally connect with anyone. But im autistic, and I feel I also have a total lack of ability to connect both ways at the same time.
It was Carl Jung who said that "all neurosis is a substitute for legitimate suffering"The dark night of the soul is when that which keeps us from a greater awareness of ourHumanity, dies. From this death then comes freedom, It's the kind of awakening that trulyTransforms
One of the best speech I have heard.
I'm honored to have access to and to have seen your lecture on this subject. Although we each have much work to do to accomplish emotional improvement, your work adds meaning to the journey. Thank you Kris Girrell!
The reason I like Ted Talks is that there are not 15 minute intros with tons of listing of the speaker's attributes, etc. Just gets to the point.
Dorie LaRue r75
I'm starting to hate them, at first it was like "Woah, people that support me", not like my environment was, but now they are my environment and I'm not even polite, I don't mean I'm rude, I'm just not normal as these talks where people talk about creativity when they don't even know how to speak differently from the rest of speakers.
Dorie LaRue mislead by mislead(˘ω˘ )三 一═┳┻︻▄( ˘ω˘ )▄︻┻┳═一( x｀･ω･)▄︻┻┳═一( ˘ω˘ ) no emotional intelligence is real Memorizing your emotions is real .idiots woohoo i am intelligent you never find me
Unless these 15 minutes are spent on a completely meaningless personal story that never gets to the point.:)
this is soo dam true. I've been through a dark phase and just after that u start to value emotions so much!
Like saying its better to have loved and lost than not having loved at all. Experience it first hand tp empathise
Question, Why is it some humans take the dark night of the soul & it brings forth compassion. & with others it breeds a cesspool of anger, hate, discontent, with the need to lash out & hurt & use as many others as their miserable life span will allow ? Also LOVE the Emotional periodic table ! Ever so good I have to share it with the Richard Feynman group :) Geek out !
One of my favorite things about video recorded lectures is that the ones that are produced we'll have a camera on the audience to capture reactions to different moments in the lecture, sometimes they are short and hard to catch if your not looking, but damn they pay off when you do notice, very helpful for expressing the volitity of a point.
I love the Namaste at the end, great speech very good.
"How We've Been Misled by 'Emotional Intelligence'" | Kris Girrell | TEDxNatick
Emotional intimacy great definition to connect with human being 👍🙏
EQ: know what causes the emotion, change yourself and help others change for better. We change relationship ( including you with yourself) totally
EQ or Emotional Intelligence is simply a cope. They give it the name EQ to try and lend it validity. Being kind is often associated with a high EQ, yet people who are overly kind aren't particularly successful in life. Door mats are still door mats.
Redditor detected
@@tyroneniggums2020 It's a fact. Learning social cues is knowledge, not intelligence.
@@infini_ryu9461 Your still a Redditor.
@@infini_ryu9461 social intelligence
@@jlall4467 That's not it, either. Socialising is knowledge. You can't teach intelligence, you either have it or you don't.
A certain amount of intelligence, or brain function, does allow for more complex social cues, though. But the idea that Emotional or Social Intelligence is a thing in and of itself just isn't true. It's simply repeated enough to where people believe it.
There is only one form of intelligence, and it is general intelligence. People who are good at one thing, if they are interested enough in something else will very likely be good at that as well.
Any topic that provokes thinking is worth taking about.when I hear emotional intelligence it sounds like someone struggling to understand there self or others . Emotions are not intelligence and intelligence is not emotions.when I pursue a definitive definition of either of these words they fall short of an understanding. I think the first thing is to understand that we have three operating systems.once you separate them it will be easier to comprehend the process that is happening.
Often, those with "low emotional intelligence" aren't being "egotistical" when they view emotion as more often than not an inhibitor of, or unnecessary to, the truth of a thing. Sociologically speaking, I think we attribute far too much value to the validation of individual emotions on any given variety of topics.
The stock in it is disproportionate to it's value in the pursuit of truth.
It get's so bad that in combination with tribalism it often creates detrimental environments for fostering or nurturing the human condition.
I'm reminded of this whenever I see two political parties butting heads, *both* refusing to move on a topic, causing, let's say, a government shutdown to the detriment of others.
My observation is that this is primarily egotistically and emotively driven, and it is these very foundations that skew and produce undesired outcomes in what should really be a rational process.
It's very disingenuous to paint people with high IQ's, or technical competency with "egotism" when it may very well just be confidence in a knowledge set, and placing less stock in emotion than others. I have seen this happen to others, and yes, I have been accused of it. (Even though I do not consider myself a "genius" by any stretch of the imagination.)
I think it is very cool we identify the difference in personality types.
I don't, however, think there is any value in saying "Intelligent people who elect to be less emotive are egotistical", much as there is no value in saying, "Emotive people cannot come to rational conclusions."
Either is a delusion, and irrational.
@Mike Hobby I'll try to summarize my previously lengthy post:
A.) You cannot gauge "how you come across" to every person. That metric is untenable. Perceptions will inevitably vary disproportionately, and sometimes for arbitrary reasons. It also "gives them power" to change your being that may be wholly unjustified, and a purposeful behavioral manipulation on their part.
B.) The "fault" with a person who gauges another as "narcissistic" based on their perceived competence or confidence is their own, and equally as negative in composition as said "competent or confident person" insulting their lack of confidence or competence.
Neither are acceptable, but they are absolutely both analogous.
A great talk indeed. Thank you so much
In the end, still didn't get how we were "misled" by emotional emotional intelligence. He called it emotional intimacy in the end, but that's still in the realm of emotional intelligence. It seems he had an emotional epiphany, and finally "felt it". It seems to me, he never had understood what emotional intelligence was in the first place, just because he looked at it an a Sheldon-esque way.
Because he's arguing semantics. His argument is merely him re-wording emotional intelligence and splicing anecdotal evidence. Pretty weak talk.
He says misled because Intelligence to him & many, many people the word intelligence connotes a Fact of academic & intellectual knowledge, not a feeling that creates personal intimate friendships or relationships. Many people intellectualize emotions with out having any emotional or experiential understanding of feelings at all. To him Intelligence is not at all the same thing as Intimacy.
Antonio Brandao thank you, for writing what I was going to write, may I had that he is just some douche promoting his own book in the opening and trying to rephrase and reword everything to claim credit for himself.
He's not contributing to a great discovery, just degrading it and rephrasing it exactly for what it is.
So he can seem like he discovered EQ that isn't EQ.
Call it how I see it.
Antonio Brandao iq makes emotionally good mathematicians and linguistics
Kenneth Lee yes you can humble intelligence is aspies have great leadership just need to be dominant populations
Emotional Intelligence is ones ability to manipulate people & situations to one’s benefit.
Men dont have the same tear ducts as women apparently. It may be harder physically for some men to cry.
SOme men may process emotions differently also. They may be less talk based and more action based. So if their wife died as an example they may work to complete their uncompleted boat project in the garage. They dont talk about their feelings. They process their thoughts and feelings by dedication to a task.
It may be that some men have a distinctly different nature based on their hormonal structure not just cultural expierience... and likewise how they express that nature. There is no correct way. There need be no prescription, just taking individuals for how they are and offering them the space and respect they may need.
He literally just talked about how he cried for a whole day. How does that make his tear ducts any different from women's? Pffy
He stated he ran one of those early learning centers for pre-school where the kids are taught stuff that they are way too young to absorb. The only thing absorbed is the parent's money into his pocket. When it closed he "cried for 4 hours" because he lost income.
What I find interesting is that companion is the trait of a great leader, yet most CEO´s have psychopathic tendencies, where they succeed in our capitalist world due to their capacity to put revenue before all else, including other people.
Love this man. awesome. thank you
And that’s why I love the Dark Night of people. 🖤
Really happy I bumped into you today Kris. Great Ted talk from a passionate human
Kris your words gave me the glimpse of what emotional intimacy could be !!
Thank you for the great talk...really insightful and compassionate
I loved the vulnerability in this talk... a display of emotional ( intelligence/ intimacy) rather than a thesis... the words are limiting... just labels ... EI is expressed not understood x beautiful x
Unfortunately, not all of us have equal 'sensory intelligence'. We can't easily read interpersonal 'cues' and could not easily learn to read 'cues'. Making it difficult, 4-5% of the population have a visual-neurological dysfunction or like Dr Oliver Sacks who suffered from facial blindness or people on the spectrum of Autism. I know, because I unknowingly lived with this dysfunction most of my life. And, in our own and new ways do contribute. Maybe 'Emotional Intelligence' has its blindness
I was thinking the same thing. I remember reading about how people with autism will generally behave in the appropriate way once they know how someone is feeling. The difficulty is that they struggle with obtaining that knowledge.
Autistic traits run in my family, and I think I fit somewhere on the spectrum. There is no lack of desire for me to better understand others, I just don't fully. It's like reading a page written in a foreign language, I can work some of it out, but everything else is a guess at best and all of it takes a lot of effort.
Hi and thank you for responding. I appreciate your sensitivity on this subject. Please know that the purpose of a TED talk is not to provide a full coverage of a subject but rather to tell a brief personal story (as was the intent of this particular TEDx "Stories that inspire"). Making the point of the fact that as a trained psychologist I could be numb to my own feelings was only one way at getting to the point that feelings and emotions provide rich data to us if and when we allow them. And yes there are those whose personalities or development disallow that information in some way or another, but that was not the direction of the story line I was telling. Please forgive any slight to those for whom this story does not fit (including one of my own family who is most likely Asperger-like in his lack of emotionality).
Thats exactly why he named it Emotional INTIMACY not Intelligence! You can still be in TOUCH with your own emotions without being able to recognize them in others. Seek your own company in meditation, and you will FEEL all of this....
Kim Farry your right emotional intelligent can emotional idiots when it comes to rationality intelligence .
A Person i really don,t wish i ancipaate low emotional intelligence as high rational intelligence
Well done... sadly I can personally vouch for everything you said. "A total eclipse of the heart" is a pretty good phrase that I think kind of sums it up and it may be where the phrase "thou I walk through the valley of death I will fear no evil" actually originates emotionally from. Again, well done.
John Reed wait disordered people will become tje emotional dominant
How do I find the emotions periodic table?!
You Google "Kris Girrell periodic table"
It's called the emotional color wheel. (On top of what Kris talks about here there are many ways to model ideas)
I'm deeply impressed by this. I recently discovered similar material, and it was truly remarkable. "The Art of Meaningful Relationships in the 21st Century" by Leo Flint
Beautiful Kris Girell, thanks! Compassion -- connection ...
I hope a lot of leaders will hear your message!
Bit Quacky. Depends on the individual. This is one person projecting their individual experience and isn’t necessarily true for everyone. Some people experience a dark night of the soul and are traumatised. This can lead to people dissociating and reduced emotional lability. Other people can experience these traumatic events and become emotionally disregulated. Some people are very empathic naturally and don’t need a traumatic upheaval to connect to that. The best solution is to take the pain and loss and reframe it. That way, you aren’t traumatised by it at all. How you have framed things in your mind is highly determinate of how you feel.
I would also wager this gentleman suffers from depression. He has a whistful and somewhat shmaltzy ‘bitter sweet’ take on life that is commonly found amongst depressives. Given his losses and business collapses that would make sense.
People must speak. He spoke. And I am happy about it!
thank you
I agree with this kind of revelatory occurrence that some would call the dark night of the soul through what separates it from its binary opposite which is a possible trauma; is a position of privilege of personal power in a situation of great personal change. I think it's like a tune you keep so that others recognize you.
But we are talking about a better world. It's that ability to be tuneful that permits others to say oh he's/she's going through a phase. I'm going through a phase. The Dark Night of the Soul might conjure St Thersa of Avilla or some other individuation process, and good to know its process but to many, it would seem a bleak depression.
We would all like to come out better at the end no one wants to come out of the process as the Dark Knight of the soul so it is good to remember who you are when you are. At the end of the Symphony, you can still whistle your own folk tune. It not really a demographic thing its about opportunity.
Great video! That "periodic chart of human emotions" alone is worth the price of admission to hear this 14 1/2 minute long video. Among other insights, Kris Girrell states that "the function of the dark night of the soul is to tear down the ego (a.k.a. "dying to self") and to teach us compassion".
Marshall Curtis negative emotions are my leader my god God
I thought it was a pointless video which didn't really offer any insights at all.
Thank you :)
Well ironically , his words exactly resonate what Daniel Golemen has written inside his book 'Emotional Intelligence '. I don't see why it misled us
I don't get why we use the term intelligence for things like this topic. I understand that IQ is supposed to be an attempt at a standardized measurement of reasoning ability and overall intelligence ability based on several components, but like he called it Emotional Intimacy is better and less distasteful to many people, I suspect. It's basically a skillset especially since it can be learned. I dunno why we don't refer to it as such. Then again, maybe I've played too many RPGs with stats and skills lol.
Eq is important you agree or not how can you be so selfish we think of love and understanding. Not for our own sake success comes when you connect with anyone even your loved one's.
Love it,Thank you
Very good
you needed a cold one, and it worked. good stuff.
emotional intelligence is intelligence because its not going through the experience its utilizing the experience. thats the intelligent part....I liked the chart, I would have probably looked into buying it, it would have been fun to have in my office, but since I dont need it bc im not a guy, guess not . \' > '/
Us emotionally intelligent types could use some talks on how to develop our gut intelligence.
How are we "misled" by emotional intelligence? The title of this video is actually extremely misleading.
Dave Goho compassion will die
It's not, actually, but his point is subtle and therefore does take attention and thought to comprehend. He says teaching "emotional intelligence" is not like teaching something concrete. It's not mental at all. It requires the act of being felt. He tried putting presenting emotions to the group in such a way that they could intellectually process it. But he realized he'd failed to teach them about emotion when he finally experienced his own Dark Night of the Soul. He says we're misled into thinking we can learn ABOUT emotions as if they are animate objects, with weight and names. He proposes it would be a better practice to call the acquired knowledge of emotion "emotional intimacy." He says emotion is something you have to experience yourself before you can understand it in others and when men disconnect from the "intimacy" aspect of their emotions, they are also missing out on some fundamental connections, like compassion. Perhaps listen to the entire talk again with these ideas in mind.
How do narcissists, bpd and sociopaths fit into this?
And Denial [clinical def] is the birthplace of Depression
emotional intimacy, more apt
Thank you for sharing your story. What a wonderful, full of truth, message!
very nice
You don't LEARN emotional intelligence. You let go of tension and allow your self to listen without attachment.
And he cried... poor soul.
Well done Kris !
when you map high profile, you probably get away with understanding.
His comments are certainly heartfelt but not related to emotional intelligence, specifically what it is, let alone how we've been misled.
Tedx allocates the title.
I think EQ is BS anyway.
"How Kris had been misled by the word Emotional Intelligence"...or something of that nature SHOULD have been the title, just my 2 cents.
I do agree with some of the comments on here, that a lot of these people coming on these TED talks DO need some sort of intensive psycho-therapy, I mean thats what therapists are there for, to help you get more in touch with your feelings. Js.
Emotional intelligence is about knowing how to express feelings and emotions at an appropriate level for the situation before you.
A person has a feeling and then expresses an emotion from which someone or something will give a response to.
If a person see's a snake they may feel fear and then express an emotion of anger or terror (fight or flight) they may, through the course of knowledge and experience have learned to remain calm and move slowly away, thus creating a response where neither the snake nor the person is harmed by each other. If a child was too close to the snake, a parents reaction may (in most cases) to protect the child and forego any concerns of their own safety. Another example is if a person doesn't like what another is saying, they may feel offended even disgusted at what the other person has said but displays a cool and calm emotion, if you look at most debates on the news these days do we see that?
The whole "I got carried away with my emotions" excuse is a simple lack of emotional intelligence to respond in a manner that is more appropriate to resolve issues or problems. All feelings have their place in both psych and physical health. Anger can motivate you to do something that requires more physical exercise (working out in the gym or hard physical labour) sadness tells you to stop overloading your system with more stressors and focus on dealing with the thing that hurt the most. We should all know that fear is to keep us alive etc. emotional intelligence is when we can use our feelings and emotional responses properly that best suit the situation. Being angry is easy, it's being angry at the right level, at the right time and focussed at the right target and for the right amount of time that is the challenge. He is right that we should be more empathetic but not everyone can read body language, and indeed a persons mind. It starts with knowing yourself, not really about controlling your feelings but rather accepting that you do feel and how to express them to help others understand you. Emotional intelligence is not just for good leadership, it is for everyone.
So to make it simple what emotional intelligence actually is, is showing only the emotions that
people consider as good. For example happiness, compassion, care for others, and not the
negative ones like anger, greed, hate. That is actually how you lie to people and act like you
are always happy and positive and actually make them like you more, which means it's great to know if you are leading a group of people, if you're a LEADER. But actually you are not, because humans have positive and NEGATIVE emotions, because after all those 2 go together in a pack. Because everything
has an OPPOSITE.
And what you said about Anger can motivate you physically exercise more:
No, you don't need to be angry to do it, you just need to MOTIVATE yourself to do it.
ANGER can indeed Give you motivation for that, but it depends on
what kind of person you are.
So... everybody's Emotional Intelligence is different, and the definition of E.I. Is different
for everybody.
Emotion is a feeling not an intelligence ?? sorry
Man doesn't get his own way discovers emotion so creates a Ted talk in regards to
compassion that most of us already have naturally, musings born from ignorance.
First of all, you don't sound like you have natural compassion at all. Secondly, a lot of people - men especially - have been conditioned to not feel or express emotion. This speech is needed and very refreshing to watch. Just these harsh comments alone in response to a man talking about emotion and showing emotion is a real good indication of how much this way of being is rejected by so many.
Well, yes. Deborah is right. You talk of compassion as if you are gifted with it but your comment tastes of intolerance.
This video has no point at all.. which is quite ironic when you're trying to argue a point in favor of "emotions" and get all but too emotional to even remember the conclusion you're trying to reach.
If he was trying to make the point of men do actually feel emotions, and sort of demontrate it on the stage, well, no body really cares. Emotions are quite useless little things whenever you're trying to get stuff done or be halfway productive. Being more kind, considerate, understanding and generally nice to people which are traits in the so called EQ have literally nothing to do with emotions, but quite the contrary, with cold rational thought. As you can't have a cake and eat it too, you can't be considerate of someone's emotions and be very emotional yourself. So my conclusion is going full out emotionally is only ok when you're alone at home and can't hurt people around you because most of the times, people have their own shit going on and don't even consider to take a second and be patient with your emotional outbreak, so why bother ? Just because we are yet to fully understand the role, need or purpose of our emotions does NOT mean this is by any means a positive thing that we should now all focus on. This EQ mania pisses me off a lot, because I see all these people so bothered by their own emotions and egomaniacal need to share and impose them on others, that they completely ruin otherwise perfectly pleasurable conversations, evenings, parties and any given event.
Emotions are much like bowl movements, you just don't need to share it, so why the hell did I just witnessed this guy's emotional dihareea on TED Talks?! what on earth could I possibly learn from it?
The graphic while fun didn't really teach so much as entertain and fall back into the trap of showing off intelligence.
9:12 i thought he was referring to his creased pants
If these comments anger you, please analyze the true cause of your angry response. Many can relate to some of his comments but a connection with his thoughts do not equate to meaningful statements. Most of his comments are anecdotal and common knowledge. He seems to believe those common comments are somehow profound bit they are definitely not.
I find it ridiculous that an atheist finds it useful to give a religious blessing at the end.
This is great! The video is so insightful that you will learn a whole lot watching it. Thanks for sharing this wonderful information.
Reply
Hello Sir Mark, the reason of keeping me searching for motivational and inspirational videos is to make me stronger everyday in my life, and you're one of those things that just helped me a lot. Thank you so much.
What?!
Man this crowd is dead, he tried to crack jokes but the crickets hit hard.
Well snap Twin peaks had some unstable people, men felt in that.
Peter Principle
I don't understand who this TED talk is targeted at, it seems useless to both emotionally intelligent people and imotionally crippled ones. I feel like it has no new information or contribution, it just sounded like a therapy session or a personal journal entry. Even the title never made sense!
He closed the business because he could not find enough teachers? Something went wrong then.
To have the audacity to say that the dark night of the soul happened in one night is just ridiculous. If he in fact studied it HE SHOULD KNOW BETTER. I think he may have had a truly emotional experience but Dark Night of the Soul no. But hey he is getting paid . . I guess this is what TED is these days.
This is classic ted. Peak Ted. Premise wrapped in treacle. Unwatchable.
4-hours of convulsive uncontrollable crying is called a nervous breakdown; and the really ironic thing about that event is that it can take you completely by surprise.
Take some magic mushrooms and you’ll get connected with your emotions
This guy is trying to refute the ei. Its up to the person how he or she utilizes their EI.Even if.a person is in all kinds of grief and he was able to survive its because that person is EI.
great speech., Namaste,
This really drags on. It was hard to make it to the end.
Better say misled by USA coaching...
meh
4:44
I find your title misleading and extensive to 'all of us"- (quite untrue and unfair, as well as not emotionally intelligently towards the author of Emotional Intelligence)- me to think that the prior article or shop was completely wrong. I think your shop expands and complete, and thanks for that....VERY MUCH.
"Knowing how to respond to others’ emotional states is the essence of Emotional Intelligence." No. The essence is empathy (and some intelligence). And psychopaths have no empathy (although they can be quite bright). The only reason Sheldon (from The Big Bang Theory TV series) is acceptable is because he is a 'fictional' character in a comedy show surrounded by other fictional characters. Come on, would any of you ever put up with a Sheldon as a roommate for years? Just this season, Leonard learned he'd be rich if it weren't for Sheldon having stolen, hid and then losing all his (Leonard's) bitcoins. This talk was very disappointing. After learning about the lack of what Kris calls lack of emotional intelligence in a bunch of R&D managers in a pharmaceutical company, I threw up in my mouth a little. No one to do with any kind of medicine should lack emotions. Control over them, yes. But not even recognize them? NO! Lost complete interest in what Kris had to say after that. I sure hope this guy didn't get paid for giving this talk. Sounds like he was only promoting himself.
Where he fails, is noting that, emotional intelligence would easily guide you away from this lecture... to a historical documentary or music... or news... not MISLED BY EMOTIONS, its logic
Sheldon most likely has Asperger's. Basing a theory about emotional intelligence based on a "room full of Sheldon's" is goofy because that is a only specific subset of the general population
I think the actor (Jim Parsons) actually is mildly autistic, and that's a key to his character.
pog
Some folks have asked about the Married Man's Survival Guide mentioned in this talk. It is available on Amazon.com www.amazon.com/Married-Mans-Survival-Guide/dp/1453706291/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1470243981&sr=8-1&keywords=married+mans+survival+guide