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Jerry, I have a situation that I could use some advice on. Both my husbands and my families are narcissistic. I told him why not hold a private service, if one or the other of us passes away, without having our families there. In my case, I do not want to be around his hateful narcissistic brothers and their flying monkey families. On the other hand, I really do not care if my narcissistic family is excluded from my service. Is it OK for me to go no contact with his family and not have them there? Is that cruel? He is the only person in my life that I am close to and I wouldn’t need to added stress to f having to deal with their behavior.
We need a scapegoat to be the legislative representative that writes and passes bills of law for Writs of Protection for adult survivors of narcissistic abuse. We need federal, universal laws that define a legal path of Divorce of family members. The USA needs strict laws of slander with fixed monetary amounts for pain & suffering, stain to reputation, loss of employment,.etc. Where is the scapegoat that will write the AI computer code that can detect cyber stalking and bullying as well as illegal surveillance by Narcissists
When I got angry I was shamed and called names, but when they got angry, they had valid reasons to do so and I should understand them. It is the hypocrisy that made me sick, how can people ask me to put their feelings above of mine, rationalising their feelings while shaming me for my feelings.
Oh ya and being angry meant being insulted you were pouting, do people even say that anymore? It's basically being assured you don't matter to them, head's up for many yrs to come!
@rosettesionne9139……Don’t let them convince you that you are not as important….this ganging up on one person is one of their favorite games. They are such chickens, that they require a ‘gang’ to take you down…..rather than deal with you one on one. I’ve been there many times……in my family of birth, in a very toxic/hostile work environment, and now with in-laws/and family. I am beginning to feel like there are more narcissists out there than statistics are showing. I have been outnumbered in too many situations. It really can mess with your head, and it makes one question themselves…..wondering if we are the ‘problem’? I was in therapy MANY years…..I know that I am NOT the instigator or abuser-they are! Take good care of yourself!
Wow I thought the same. They have never,ever been there for me ,it was always me there for them. Now I there for me and not them, they don’t understand what went wrong.
Saying a simple ‘no’ is a great test of whether you’re dealing with a healthy person or an unhealthy person. If you say no to a healthy person they win just respond with ‘ok,’ and it won’t affect your relationship. If you say no to an unhealthy individual, they’ll respond with ‘what’s wrong with you?’ Such a simple boundary is also a great test.
A excellent way to get a better 👀 at a person's true nature is during times of hardship/stress/conflict & also when significant material/financial gain is at play...These things tend to have a way of showing you how healthy or unhealthy an individual is.Saying no is a good example of typically mild conflict👍🏻.
Trying to fulfill your emotional and social needs through your kids instead of allowing them to find their own TRUE path is one of the most SELFISH things a parent can do and unfortunately very common in varying degrees.
They think kids exist for that and to take care of them when they are old. No matter how bad a parent is. It is a must. If a kid doesnt want to it is selfish.??
It's crazy how many comments and views there are everyone all over the world dealing with the same sick behaviours from spouses/parents. Im sorry to everyone whos dealt with this it's unexplainable what it does to you 😢
Another thing is neglect. My parents could spend money going camping and deep sea fishing but I had very few clothes to wear. I was in despair over how few clothes I had to wear. But when they wanted something for themselves, the money was always there :(
Oh, I know this one. It was so embarrassing since we lived in a small community because we had a large home and nice cars and everyone knew we weren't poor. However, I had pants that were too short for me and never had money to do fun things. Friends thought the issue was me being cheap or snobby, but the truth was that my folks never gave me any allowance or let me keep much of any babysitting money I would earn.
Same. I always had to wear used, pass down or on sale clothes from Walmart but then they forced us to go on 6 week camping trips every summer. I was constantly teased for not having better clothes and for having short hair until I was around 10 when I was finally allowed to grow out my hair. Even then my mother told me I wasn't allowed to wear it down, I had to pull it back because "people who cover their faces with their hair are viewed as weak and self confidence" according to her. I believe there was some kind of jealousy there. Many comments made still to this day to downgrade my self confidence and style myself to not look beautiful but rather look more like her and whatever she was wearing. She even insisted on advising me of what to wear for a job interview when I was 40 years old.....when I told her to back off she played the victim and said I was being disrespectful.
@@wittymystic7361 I never had any allowance either, so when other kids spent money I never had any. I also babysat, and my wicked stepmom would manufacture excuses to take my meager earnings away from me!
@@tacocat510 me too, I wasn't allowed long hair til I was a teen. And my stepmom made my sister and i wear hand-me-down clothes from my older cousin. This was the 1970's when kids wore tshirts and jeans, and we were wearing dresses from the 1960's. Talk about embarrassing!
I was not allowed to close or lock the bathroom door when I took a shower... it always had to stay a few inches open. She would frequently bust in the room while I was naked because "she needed something and forgot you were in there". Ditto for bedtime - not allowed to close the door when I went to bed. Creepy and weird, now that I look back on it. Totally humiliating for a modest child.
Just hit 50 and had the misfortune to have no choice but to live with my narc mum. Bursts into bathroom whenever Intake a no2, bath or shower, bursts into bedroom whenever she wants (she does knock first so I get 2 seconds warning…) I’ve lived 200 miles away from her all my adult life. Now stuck with her and near suicide.
@@idontuseahandle just throwing this out there…do you drive & do you have a car? I lived in my car with my dog a couple years ago at 54 years old & took showers at Planet Fitness…when I couldn’t find an affordable place to live. I had the option to stay at narc mother’s house but I chose to live in my car as opposed to being treated badly & total lack of boundaries. It was so worth it for the peace of mind & freedom & I’d definitely do it again. I’m final no contact now for over a year. Best to you 🩵
My father entered my room without knocking, despite the door being closed. When I asked him to knock he replied: "Why would I knock before entering my room?" From then on, I kept my room locked at all times, the key always with me. That was about 40 years ago, one incident in a continuous chain of events that would set me up to distrust and despise people, the world at large, and life as such. However, locking my room had the added benefit of preventing my mother from snooping through and messing up my stuff under the pretense of "cleaning" and my sister from popping in and cry-bullying. It's not exactly a beneficial situation when you constantly have to fight the very people tooth and nail over scraps of your sanity and dignity who were supposed to prepare you for life. I didn't get away until my mid-20s and to this day I'm piecing together what was supposed to be a life.
Mom did that and I was always told I had a huge butt so as I was changing my mom came in, knew she'd find my butt large and I closed/slammed door on her, broke her toe nail taxied to the hospital where docs said I was a horrible kid, 😊!
Well said: " You have been programed or brainwashed to ignore your own needs or bounderies." Truth. They will never consider your needs or bounderies in their decisiond or outcomes of what they want or expect from you. You are a just commidity or a means to an end.
Best thing to learn: I do not need your approval or you. This is where freedom starts. The lie that we are cemented in is that the relationship means something. It does to you and not them, not for the right reasons anyway.
yup, the only way they would successfully manage to convinve you they are needed is by degrading you as a person, manipulating who you are and what you are capable of. once you see it is all projection and you have been living a lie you can start to move on
A few years ago, I learned that the only person who needs to like me is me. I wake up with myself every morning and I go to bed by myself every night. I am the only constant in my life. I like myself. If my mom doesn’t like me, that’s her problem, not mine.
My narcissistic parent was in charge of the final arrangements when my Uncle died. My NP had the audacity to go through her dead brother's phone and look at all of his private text conversations, including my private texts to my Uncle. My NP told me she read all my messages and when I told her how completely inappropriate that was, my NP turned it all around on me and started scrutinizing me for having my own voice. I'm over 50. This extreme invasion of privacy has been going on my entire life. 😢
The ironic thing is I bet their parent did it to them. They did not learn from being abused not to do it to others. Jerry, my parents hit all 7 of your points.
My mother HAS to be thinner than me. She has to feel more attractive than me. When I became ill and emaciated thru despair all she could say was "oh my God, you're thinner than me!" I am no contact at 63 and have found peace.
I shaved my head and isolated during covid. Nmom hates my hair or lack thereof. I didn’t feel accepted until I started growing it out. I was trying to avoid new relationships, so I could heal from my childhood.
Yup . This is my mom. If I say no I can’t do something I get silent treatments or guilt trips. My mom isn’t disabled. Perfectly healthy to do things on her own. She expects me to be her personal assistant and drive her everywhere , hang up her pictures and shower curtains and dust her blinds. Yup. The final straw that made me go NC and very low contact for a year now was her telling me I need to plan my own birthday dinner in less than 24 hours and when I told her no I can’t etc I got the silent treatment. I decided I am not seeing her for Mother’s Day or my b day coming up or any holidays coming up. I have no plans to see her at all. If she called me to say she needs emergent help I know I would help her. But I am mentally drained. I haven’t missed not seeing her for almost a year now. She hasn’t called me either. We rarely text only in group text when someone in family starts the group text. My one sis told me mom said she guesses we will talk when I’m over my mad spell … as if I was the one who gave myself the silent treatment on my birthday 🙄. She never can say she is sorry. She can never admit to any responsibility for her actions. She blames everyone else for her misconduct. And to make all this better … my one sis who is the golden child that has not experienced anything I have …. Makes excuses for moms behaviors which makes me incredibly angry but I understand she hasn’t experienced what I have from being spit on , beat with belts , she never witnessed mom slapping welts all over our other sister , she never gets silent treatments for saying no. She was never blamed for things she never did ( everyhing was always my fault ). So I try not ro be angry at my sis whose experience with our mom has been very different than mine
Reading your post reminds me so much of my own situation with mother and siblings. My heart goes out to you! Wishing you a happier and peaceful future as you get back in touch with your own most essential needs. ❤❤❤
My ex doctors and therapists told me that's "scary and dangerous". I cannot "tell people what to do". This is right after a class on setting boundaries. Freakin insane! 🥴
Heard another youtuber guest say that if you tell someone where you boundary is you won't melt. The more you use that muscle the better you get with it. Expect pushback. They won't like it. It doesn't matter. You matter too.
The interesting thing about abandonment. Its truely false these people never had our best interests at heart nor are they all we will ever have. The fear of abandonment kept me enmeshed with my family until my late 30s. Until i started healing and understood our relationship only functioned by me enduring abuse, entertaining them and letting them use me. 😢
That’s not true and you shouldn’t let that sink in. No one shud ever treat you like that even if that person gave birth to you. . No one shud ever do anything to anyone else if they wouldn’t do that to themselves. Even if they do love you to in some degree, they are also breaking you during that. It’s not right it’s not love, it’s selfishness.
When I was young and going to school, I wasn't allowed to skip school. Even when I wasn't feeling well, my stepmom would say "oh, you're not sick!" She also went through my belongings, I had no privacy. Thx, another great video Dr. Wise ❤
Similar things happened to me. My mom checked my backpack every day when I got home from school looking for notes from friends. I started hiding them in my bra, in those little pockets, just pulled out the padding. It made my boobs look square shaped but I didn't care. My mom at least didn't strip search me so it was the only way I could communicate with my friends during school hours
But unlike yours my parents encouraged me to fake sickness to skip school until I started doing it as a teenager to hang out with friends. They then called the school and told them they need to be called every time I'm missing. And I got iss for doing it
It is interesting that you all are saying that your parent looking thru your things as a child is bad...I think its only bad when u have become and adult over 18 and arent living with them.
My mom is OBSESSED with weight. When I was 10 pounds overweight, she told me that I should talk to my doctor about normal weight obesity. No, she’s not a doctor, a nurse, or a nutritionist.🤦🏾♀️. She’s just super controlling.😆
The question is why do my siblings have a healthy parent relationship but I don't. My whole family's saying I'm the one who sees my family in a "bad light"
Because u r the "scapegoat " of the family. Google it & I bet u will see that a lot of what they r doing is because they can not face the truth & most likely u r a truth teller. Best thing I ever did is love them from a distance & since I do that when I have to see them I now see right through them & see what's going on. (I still let it go because their no worth my time & energy plus they will never change or see their faults as they've spent a lifetime perfecting how to cover them up! 😊
I don't know your situation, but it's quite possible your siblings have a close relationship with your parents but not a healthy one. As in they have a codependent relationship with your parents where they don't feel comfortable setting boundaries with your parents and are quietly suffering for it. On the outside it can look fine because the temperamental parents are getting their way and the siblings are pretending everything is fine. There are subtle signs of enmeshment and codependency that your siblings will give off (if that's what's happening), but it will seem as though everyone is happy with the arrangement. Parents are happy to get their way. Siblings are relieved parents aren't mad at them.
My siblings were turned into flying monkeys after my nmom had her little melt down. Believed every word she said-and she’s always the victim. If I say what I really think, I am being disrespectful. Not playing that game anymore.
Great list, Jerry! It's like a freaking checklist! They cross boundaries by: ✅1) Invalidating your feelings, thoughts, and opinions ✅2) Controlling by disregarding your wishes and autonomy ✅3) Manipulating you to reject your own boundaries ✅4) Lak of respect for privacy ✅5) Classic emotional abuse ✅6) Enmeshment ✅7) Neglecting your needs while prioritizing their own ✅8) Showing affection or approval only when you conform If I journal about each one, it could be a series of novels.
In 2012…the 1st time I went no contact ever after my grandfathers funeral…I was having a moment & called narc mother. When she answered I said while crying “You’re not going to abandon me again” Her response? “Grow up! Get over it!” then she laughed her evil laugh & then she hung up on me. I called her back & lost it on her. That ended up being 4+ years of no contact. Then a couple more no contacts after that. And then FINALLY I walked away for good the beginning of 2023 & haven’t looked back!!!!!
I was in my early 20s and my narc mother announced that none of us would go to maternal grand mothers funeral. Decades later it is my biggest regret. Ive gone no contact after little connection over the years and wont be giving any thought to her funeral 🎉
It is interesting to note that they go through a cycle of control seeking behavior: It includes: playing the victim, lying to frame a false reality, manipulation - a variety of triangulation- marginalization, punishment in a variety of forms and orders. As it pleases their case which is “malware about “keep the focus on me”. Best thing I heard in this video is simply developing your own inner boundaries. Coming out of the cage of deceit they have spun. I found this to mean rearranging how I treat me and see me. Rejecting their fake reality and staying true to self. You have to see these people with your eyes wide open. Selfishness is the fuel to their engine.We must take care of ourselves at all cost.
@@nadineelizabeth195 it happens when our point of view is diminished by another. It can happen in a conversation or any aspect of yourself that is reduced, neglected when you try to speak to it or when it would naturally be considered. It is as simply as someone never considering you in a very basic way like how you are doing, coping or handling something. You are just seen as insignificant, ignored, downplayed in all circumstances to keep the focus on themself. Hope this helps.
My mom always criticized me about my hair and weight. More my hair. I'm in my 50's and she still tries to put her hands on it to "fix" it; I've purposely grown my hair long, I refuse to cut it short to fit in with the cult family. Of course, that's not acceptable. I have asserted NO and then was told I'm being too sensitive and rude to my mother (she's your mom and means well). Wtf. Long story short, I've gone no contact with them. Thanks Jerry, your videos are just awesome.
Same here. Always my hair & my weight…& my clothes & my nails etc. She always hated my long hair & told me to cut it. She wanted me to have short red hair like hers. NOPE. I went final no contact over a year ago at 54 years old. So happy to hear you did the same! 👏😊
@gem7078 I can relate. My mother has always hated my long hair as an adult, probably because she's had the same short hairdo for the last 35 years or so, because she says she doesn't know what else to do with it. I've told her she should ask her hairstylist for ideas.
My mother would repeatedly reject me and ignore me. Silent treatments that would last for years sometimes. Then my father would insists that I go “hug her” This happened my whole life. One time at church he tried to physically drag me over to her to kiss her butt after she turned away from me and wouldn’t talk me when I said “good morning “. Told me to my face they didn’t care about me. Then texts come “I knew you never liked me” from my mother. Good grief. I freed myself. Took me 50 years to accept I was the scapegoat and they really didn’t care.
Same here. I finally stopped trying after 40 years of the cycles. It was then when I learned what narcissistic behaviors are about. I feel bad for dad- he's a family man. But, I have no control over mom. Other than stay away.
My mom’s attempts at control often make me laugh now. I moved across the country 30 years ago to escape and it was the best thing I ever did. I’m visiting my family now and can’t wait to leave. It’s crazy land and I can see it for what it is now and maintain my boundaries without getting angry. My favorite “momism” on this trip was when my mom asked if I have a will because I might be killed on my road trip. It’s her way of trying to use fear as a manipulation technique.
@@RobbieAndGaryGardeningEasy Keep doing it and it will get easier. You are changing the dynamic that has developed over a lifetime. Give yourself time.
@@RobbieAndGaryGardeningEasy That guilt you feel was installed by them. For those of us who grew up in toxic family systems, it's very much like a cult. That system installs guilt which is meant to get us back in line if we ever dare to attempt to step into our own two shoes.
I can spot these tricks a mile away and I find them rather amusing .... I've almost made a sport out of watching my sisters-in-law *trying* to get a rise out of me but I just won't play their games. It feels good to remain calm and unmoved by their Coca-Cola nonsense. Love your channel!!!
Being in a relationship like this is very emotionally exhausting. My narc left my life 18 months ago and I still feel the effects of it. I don’t know what to do with myself.
I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. Please know you are not alone and you are strong for leaving that toxic relationship. You deserve better and a life that is full of happiness. Praying for you💓
It is difficult recovering from a narcissistic because usually the relationship becomes codependent. Once it's finally over I found myself completely wiped out mentally & physically. It took months of meditation & self care to return to normal; for me it was learning to b my own best friend & learning to say "no" (even if they don't listen because the narcissistic is used to u giving in & will b furious when u stand your ground with NO!) Just put one small step in front of the other & with time u will feel much better & return to your old / new self! 😊
I had a hard time contributing to our first meeting in my work because all I was thinking was "...don't do something that would get you in trouble with the police"
Hair and weight! Me, too, Jerry. Me. Too. You've helped me so much that when you said that, I LAUGHED out loud! Believe me, it's never been funny to me before - but, today, I laughed! Thank you, Jerry. 💜💜
Hair, weight, any kind of blemish...all of this had to be commented on by my mother. "Oh what's that bump on your chin?" It's a zit mom and I'd appreciate you not calling it out. I know about it.
Right, why is my appearance so important to my mother? And why does her idea of an acceptable hairstyle or outfit have to be my problem? I would never criticize her appearance, yet she would constantly comment on my damned hair and try to dress me in things she thought would look better on me than what I was wearing! Talk about some messed up priorities! Maybe worry about yourself instead of others.
My narcissistic mother would never respect me, she thinks shes entiled to everything i have, she would look through my things, steal my things, open my mail, come in my apt. When i wasn't home because she had an extra key since i never changed the lock!! She would bring her sister to my apt when i bought new furniture and give my aunt a tour!!! She had some nerve!! She gets in your conversations, she befriends everyone you know so she can start her smear campaign behind your back and put them all against you, she did everything in her power to break my marriage up since she knew i loved my husband so much, and kept me isolated from everyone for years, you feel like you are in a prison with no way out, but i thank God he gave me strength and i had faith that God was going to get me out of that position and he did and im so grateful and thankful, you have to go no contact and never look back!
Jerry, the more I happen to watch your videos, the more I understand my parents behaviour towards me: I found many answers in these great videos, and Iam really grateful
I struggle with feeling I would be abandoning my mother after my father passes but my mother had no problem leaving the country and did not care for her parents or my fathers.
Coming to the realization that you have no good standing in your own family is hard to swallow . Accepting that things are not going to change or improve for you on that front without some action by you takes time and steely reserve to reach . It's taken me a lifetime . - I've never reached the point where I totally don't care . I liken it to people being on a ladder and kicking down to keep you from advancing up to 'where you don't belong'.
Hey jerry, I just heard you read every comment and just wanted to say that im not much of a talker so I struggle to communicate properly with what I feel. But all I can say is thank you. You may never know fully know how much you have impacted my life and I've only been listening for a couple of days, im 30 now, so thank you brother. I hope someone everyday makes you feel like the way you've made me feel. Noticed and heard.
I have to insist on leaving and leave without my mom's acceptance every time I see her. It used to take me an hour to leave her. It still takes me too long...I leave angry and resolving not to see her again for a long time EVERY time I see her. I relate to every point made in this presentation. Thank you!
The latest with my parents. They’ve refused to take accountability for their abuse and so there is no contact with me. I told my Mother also to no longer give my children gifts. Well, she just couldn’t resist and sent them presents through the mail. I wrote and said she needs to respect my boundaries. Her response ‘well I don’t want my grand children to think we don’t love them.’ So… in other words she’s fine with completely being cut off from me but still wants my children to think she loves them? She’s a nutcase. Living in the world of delusion.
My “parents” did all of these between the two of them. Except on the last one sometimes it’s the tyrant type of rage and threats and intimidation, although the guilt tripping was used too. And as far as it goes tho, you pretty much have to push really hard and hold tight like a pitbull to “block” some things or hold a boundary. Like once I had to make everyone in the fam upset and be inconvenienced Bcuz I insisted that a certain special dinner be “separate.” They all went on and on like I was paranoid and crazy but I held my ground anyways. If it had not been about my adult son I would not have even bothered tho. (Such as a typical fam dinner-I just would not go at all). I wouldn’t call it “having a relationship” with them. I just call it “when I have to be around them.”
My parents to a T :( . They broke me, an with the state of the country an economy, losing my license an job. I don’t know what to do anymore. Just defeated.
When we blught lur house, the MIL wanted my husband to give his brother a key so he could come over and use the pool. Real truth, she wanted to snoop through our stuff. Hubby told her no, this is our home, nobody gets a key. Another time we purchased a big ticket item we saved for. She told me she wouldn't spend anymore money until I was back at work. I asked her whose money am I spending? Yours or ours$ The face that woman made was priceless. She alse expected to come over whenever she felt like it. Hubby told her no, call first. Didn't please the sourpuss and yes, it was "my" doing, according to her. I hate that woman with a passion.
Thanks Jerry, another great video! I have this book, it's time to re-read it! What bothers me is when a family member makes an indirect comment in order to find out information. I feel like this is overstepping my boundaries.
No contact with whole herd, you'll never have to listen to whatever crap they'd like to rinse out your way! It works and I was never interested in their take on things besides public school system, my kids and I plus wanna be narc hubby have highest degrees, works for me!
Yup. From the moment I learned what emeshment was, I knew that's what had happened to me. I did everything I could to look different from my mom by being a goth, and she's a southern christian white stepford wife (but ugly) looking woman, but I was forcefully issolated for so long I really do have a lot of her features still. Namely that I have zero interest in befriending people who have even a slightly different opinion to me. If they don't agree with me I drop them instantly. No bandwidth for arguing. I hope there's more therapists who understand or even just know about forced isolation. I was pretty much told no to having friends period. I mean repeatedly. Every time I asked to hang out with someone from a young age, elementary school. So I just never learned how to have friends even though I'm 35 now. Just never really happened
The fourth reason is why im such a private person. my Nparents, older sister along with the enablers would snoop on me at all costs, it even continued into adulthood to the point where i deleted all social media pages to hide from them. We shouldnt have to resort to such things but narcs and enablers dont care. The part that really hurts me is their lack of respect of my personal space literally destroyed all of my relationships.
My sister was babysitting her grandchild, and my narc mother asked for a photo of the 3-year old (she showed me the photo on her phone, and the child did not look happy). Apparently the child had said she doesn't want her photo taken. So I asked, "then why did Ann take her photo?" Narc mother said, "because what I say goes!" Her total disregard for the child's boundary made me sick, and really had me reflecting on all of the silly photos I was forced to pose for as a child! :(
Dear Jerry, as always, you hit the nail on the head, I feel everything you said. There is also often a reversal of the perpetrator-victim relationship. My narcissistic "mother" treated me like crap most of the time, but whenever I wanted to move into my own flat, she successfully played the victim with the rest of the family and made me look like I was letting her down. The family totally jumped on it. Unfortunately, I allowed myself to be emotionally blackmailed for years. It wasn't until I was 27 that I managed to free myself from the grip. At 44, I cut off contact with the whole family. Now I'm 48 and I regret not having managed to do both much earlier. Kind greetings from Germany 🇩🇪
Mine always create fake dramas. I remind myself that they’re not there for me for my real dramas nor do they tell me about real dramas of people I care about, they gate keep that info. I spent 50 years reacting to and helping them with false flags. 💙🙏🏻💙
I fight the guilt, too, especially since I live across the country and only visit once/year. My mom will be 90 this year. I see what the guilt is doing to my younger sister who lives a half hour from mom, and the criticism of my older sister who is in her upper 60s and fighting to gain independence.
This was a great video. I watched it in preparation before seeing my narcissistic mother in a few weeks. I knew she was really self absorbed for awhile, but once I started setting boundaries and sticking to them my life changed. Thank you for the refresher!
Sounds like my dad. He pushes for information, accuses me of lying when I don't give in. He says I have a problem because I don't like the crap he dishes out, he's a bully!
Thanks, Jerry. This is wonderful. My new resolution is to listen to one a day. My parents are deceased long ago, but I still see the enmeshment in current relationships, basically my lack of inner boundaries.
Yes truly fascinating, can't get enough of it, once, driving by, road rage had an old guy being beat up, driving past soon after cops there and I said I'd seen it, I offered/went to courts as witness, kinda a waste of time my husband took time off work and my parking fee not covered but another witness stepped up so, my (once a dead beat dad after malignant covert mom finally ditched him cops tired of refereeing physical fights too) dad criticized me for getting mixed up, so I don't skip the dishes just their funerals for all to see, bunch of hypocrites!
I feel I'm really picking up on the way you reframe the scenarios by extracting the emotion and just seeing how ridiculous some of the behaviors, manipulation attempts and so forth really are. It's something I can apply to current situations and past ones as well.
Honestly, Jerry, thank you for talking about all of this! Enmeshment doesn't get the coverage it should. I so appreciate you and your wisdom and guidance!!!
My dad was obsessed with the hair thing. I can remember him complaining about my brother's hair. When they got old enough they grew it out. When I had sons he my dad complained about thier hair too.
AWWWWWWWWW……. that is so sweet you read our comments. You are amazing and I watch and listen to this video three times in a row. God bless you from Cynthia in JANESVILLE, WI
Thank you for a great video. I went no contact with my mom as she was super controlling. She brainwashed me for past 43 years and now I finally learned how manipulative she was. Keeping my distance from her really helped to get on my feet and move on
I wish for my sister watched these too. Very enlightening and wise. The pieces about conditional love are starting to sink in more. Maybe I did love my mom and stayed not because I was a failure, but because I wanted love and to matter. I have a lot of healing to do still that may take a lifetime. I wasnt freed (to say) until the day my mother died.
All children are born wired to love their parents and especially their mothers. You can see it in any mammal animal. It's their abuse that make impossible to have a real loving connections. For them enmeshment is love. I don't know your mother but mine has been colder than a fish.
My mother was hot and cold. She had very victorian views about her children. She also had to be in control and if she lost control the threats started. So many people loved her, but her direct family... yeah. I sufer from needing to be in control too. I acknowledge all my faults.
I appreciate these videos because I always feel like my thoughts and feelings don't ever matter to anyone in this world, not just where I come from but everywhere I go I feel dismissed and it's just angers me and it feels like everyone seems to be an enemy and it's very painful. I hate this feeling i carry around that your explaining.
I have a smile on my face everytime I learn more to deal with , not them but me. I never knew about inner bounderies and listening to what I want and like to do and be . I have still a long way to go . And with every new video it s like 🌞
I visit my mother fairly often; she expects/demands that I listen to her +- 10 hours a day for a week or more. Now that I voiced my need for silence (like, can't you please shut up) when I use the bathroom, she is mad. She doesn't respect it, or I need to constantly remind her, and she argues or belittle me. Oftentimes she continues speaking even when the door is shut because she wants me to raise my voice. I won't play her nasty game. I can't take this anymore.
I understand this going through it with my older brother he’s a child in a man’s body bc he was spoiled rotten since he came back I was hoping he was staying where he was but I was wrong I know I’m having trouble with boundaries myself I can’t get him out of my personal space i can’t say it’s my apartment anymore bc it doesn’t feel like it’s my apartment anymore when they put their stuff in the house too he eats up the food and he can cook and I can’t due to my learning disability about cooking I hate my family i can’t stand them really!
- [00:00] 🧠 Understanding narcissistic parents' tactics and boundary violations. - [01:34] 🚫 Narcissistic parents dismiss your feelings, thoughts, and opinions, invalidating your boundaries. - [01:49] ⚖ They seek control by disregarding your autonomy and decision-making. - [02:03] 🎭 Manipulation tactics include guilt-tripping, gaslighting, and emotional blackmail. - [02:37] 🔒 Lack of respect for privacy: snooping, invading personal space, and disregarding boundaries. - [03:57] 😡 Emotional abuse tactics: yelling, name-calling, and demeaning to undermine your boundaries. - [04:34] 💔 Enmeshment blurs boundaries, preventing individuality and self-differentiation. - [06:04] 🙅♂ Neglecting your emotional and physical needs while prioritizing their own. - [07:14] 💔 Conditional love based on compliance with their demands. - [08:15] 🛠 Focusing on internal boundaries and detachment for stronger external boundaries. - [09:36] 💡 Accepting and recognizing the behavior of narcissistic family members. - [11:14] 🛑 Setting boundaries: employing "no" firmly and without arguing or defending. - [12:38] 📚 Recommended reading: "When I Say No, I Feel Guilty" by Manuel J. Smith.
Dear Jerry, I love watching your videos I have found them very enlightening and helpful in my own personal journal to unmesh myself from my narcissistic family super-cell
My mother did such a good job pretending to listen and making it sound like she cared. And she LOVED saying that she believes in talking things out. It was maddening!!! I'm NC now but man ..I still get messed up with shame because she was so good at saying something that sounded great but acting like a manipulative, gross child with power
Thank you so much for making these videos. I knew my life wasn't normal but I didn't understand how . It's like you are telling my story for myself to re-hear it and realize it wasn't my fault.
your program is changing my life Jerry, I bought it for my birthday last year and was dancing with excitement when I discovered it. Your work is simply invaluable.
My narc mum once promised a neighbour I would go back to our hometown to help out with a youth festival - without asking me. I told her she had no business to do that, that I had other engagements elsewhere for that weekend, and that I refused to be manipulated. Later, the lady called me. I explained to her what had happened and suggested that she try and persuade my mum to help out instead of me. She succeeded. My mum later said she’d enjoyed it. Of course, she won’t do it again (either volunteer or try to manipulate me that way). I don’t want to be like her, but I admit I found that bit of reverse manipulation satisfying!
My late Narc mother and grandmother 100%. All of it. It's like all narc parents/relatives/friends/colleagues are mass-produced in satan's factories! They always picked on our weight, clothes, etc. I missed a bus for work because something I wore ''showed off my belly'' - you could not argue with them because it would escalate, I'd end up crying on the bus on the way to work and it would be hard to concentrate. Boundary breakers par excellence. They even read my dad's private letters from his relatives (my aunts and uncles). Now, my sister and I are seeking help to get rid of my mum's hoarding and the stress is literally and figuratively strangling our nerves.
Having someone disown you because of your preference or decision you made is a sad reality I had to learn to accept but time has made it easier for sure!
Thank you for this timely video. I have finally realized my childhood abuse at age 51 and have cut ties with my family, especially my narcissistic mom and sister. I still get along with one family member, my niece, and she is helping me by gray rocking their inquisition about my phone number no longer working for them. I recently wondered what I would do if they popped in at my house and did not know how to approach it. I forgot gray rock was the answer until I heard you give the great examples here! I can now easily imagine simply and calmly agreeing with their claims of worry or hardship or whatever they might blame me for, and reminding them of the boundaries I have set for myself - that I would prefer not to communicate and associate with them any longer, regardless of what they might do or say. Being able to imagine myself in control during such a scenario is very reassuring to me. I have never really felt that around them before. They have walked all over me my entire life. The fact is, my absence won't even hurt them, even if they claim it does. But it will definitely help me. It's time for me to get on with my life and leave them behind. Thank you again for your helpful examples and explanations.
I went through the same thing & decided to GR my family & their flying monkeys & I feel so much better. The stress I endured from "helping" my Mom was aweful especially when she would get everyone against me because I could not do something she wanted. Also, feeling guilty was a part of my life - I thought it was just the way I was until I learned different & became my own best friend. 😊
They don't admit you have feels, are hurt either physical or emotional, have concerns, needs, opinions, or rights. You definitely do NOT have boundaries with them or any at all. If someone hurts you, lies to you or abuses you in some way,... That is ok with them. You shouldn't be mad or angry at someone for doing that to you. How dare you be angry or mad at that person. Your parent can defiantly go off on you for feeling that way because they don't think you have a reason to be mad or upset at a person for doing that to you. Parents don't think people have to treat you right, hold up to their agreement, or be held accountable for doing something horrible to you. They think you deserve it and you should apologize to person/people for being angry with them.
The challenge I think there is that families are organisms and somethings it is meaningful to have people go to and the approach creates a fine line between the need for self and selfishness.
My parents never allowed me to have friends that they didnt approve of. My mom made it so that the only way i could hang out w peers in middle school was to essentially schedule play dates after vetting their parents in awkward meet ups that retrospectively were like interviews. They humiliated me countless times in front of peers and justified it by stating i was just overreacting. Ive always been an autistic weirdo w no social skills, but the few ppl i didnt scare off myself w my weirdness were eventually ran off by one or both of my parents. To this day i have never had an actual friend, as in someone who genuinely enjoys my company w out wanting something from me. I doubt i ever will. My parents isolated me from my peers to the point i didn't have any peers. And to this day they refuse to leave me alone or treat me like a person
Shockingly accurate about my Father. My brother is also in my opinion a Narcissist. I'm not sure if my Father is but he's definitely on the spectrum. My life is being so affected by these characters right now. Crazy. It's effecting my mental and physical health and the are boiling it down to my age and hormones. It's absolutely amazing. I feel broken, humiliated, scapegoated, gaslit, and use yet I still call my Father and he calls me. He's great at giving me advice as long as Il"fet in his way. He's not loyal and uses my narcissistic brother to help him out if I dare "get in his way" even though he knows how dysfunctional himself, his son and daughter inlaw is. And the funny thing is they all think that they are all crazy but they back each other up if I "cross the line".
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Finally get your family OUT OF YOU & be the true self you were never allowed to be 👇
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You’re great, Jerry!
Jerry, I have a situation that I could use some advice on. Both my husbands and my families are narcissistic. I told him why not hold a private service, if one or the other of us passes away, without having our families there. In my case, I do not want to be around his hateful narcissistic brothers and their flying monkey families. On the other hand, I really do not care if my narcissistic family is excluded from my service. Is it OK for me to go no contact with his family and not have them there? Is that cruel? He is the only person in my life that I am close to and I wouldn’t need to added stress to f having to deal with their behavior.
Mom and Dad enabled s.a. Abuse: 2 brothers always Prey on Sisters. they were OUT TO LUNCH!
the narcissist's worse nightmare: the scapegoat becoming a therapist!
Ugh.. right in the gut.. exactly what happened to me.. 💔💔
Yup! That’s me!
😂😂is somehow funny and very true
Yeeeep😂😂😂
We need a scapegoat to be the legislative representative that writes and passes bills of law for Writs of Protection for adult survivors of narcissistic abuse. We need federal, universal laws that define a legal path of Divorce of family members. The USA needs strict laws of slander with fixed monetary amounts for pain & suffering, stain to reputation, loss of employment,.etc. Where is the scapegoat that will write the AI computer code that can detect cyber stalking and bullying as well as illegal surveillance by Narcissists
When I got angry I was shamed and called names, but when they got angry, they had valid reasons to do so and I should understand them. It is the hypocrisy that made me sick, how can people ask me to put their feelings above of mine, rationalising their feelings while shaming me for my feelings.
Oh ya and being angry meant being insulted you were pouting, do people even say that anymore? It's basically being assured you don't matter to them, head's up for many yrs to come!
👏👏👏👏
@rosettesionne9139……Don’t let them convince you that you are not as important….this ganging up on one person is one of their favorite games. They are such chickens, that they require a ‘gang’ to take you down…..rather than deal with you one on one. I’ve been there many times……in my family of birth, in a very toxic/hostile work environment, and now with in-laws/and family. I am beginning to feel like there are more narcissists out there than statistics are showing. I have been outnumbered in too many situations. It really can mess with your head, and it makes one question themselves…..wondering if we are the ‘problem’? I was in therapy MANY years…..I know that I am NOT the instigator or abuser-they are! Take good care of yourself!
Faaaaaacts
Pete Walker talks a lot about being shamed for getting angry in Complex PTSD: from surviving to thriving. I'm finding it very validating.
What a revelation for me when Jerry said, “Why are you worried about them abandoning you? They already abandoned you years ago.” 💡
Wow I thought the same.
They have never,ever been there for me ,it was always me there for them.
Now I there for me and not them, they don’t understand what went wrong.
True
"No" is a complete sentence.
Saying a simple ‘no’ is a great test of whether you’re dealing with a healthy person or an unhealthy person. If you say no to a healthy person they win just respond with ‘ok,’ and it won’t affect your relationship. If you say no to an unhealthy individual, they’ll respond with ‘what’s wrong with you?’
Such a simple boundary is also a great test.
Boundaries are a great filter to weed out abusers, enablers, and bullies.
A excellent way to get a better 👀 at a person's true nature is during times of hardship/stress/conflict & also when significant material/financial gain is at play...These things tend to have a way of showing you how healthy or unhealthy an individual is.Saying no is a good example of typically mild conflict👍🏻.
Dad ignores my boundaries and shames me for having them. I have no more contact with him for my own protection. He's a bully.
Trying to fulfill your emotional and social needs through your kids instead of allowing them to find their own TRUE path is one of the most SELFISH things a parent can do and unfortunately very common in varying degrees.
They think kids exist for that and to take care of them when they are old. No matter how bad a parent is. It is a must. If a kid doesnt want to it is selfish.??
It's crazy how many comments and views there are everyone all over the world dealing with the same sick behaviours from spouses/parents. Im sorry to everyone whos dealt with this it's unexplainable what it does to you 😢
They want to make you part of their cult.
Another thing is neglect. My parents could spend money going camping and deep sea fishing but I had very few clothes to wear. I was in despair over how few clothes I had to wear. But when they wanted something for themselves, the money was always there :(
"It's not on sale" 😮
Oh, I know this one. It was so embarrassing since we lived in a small community because we had a large home and nice cars and everyone knew we weren't poor. However, I had pants that were too short for me and never had money to do fun things. Friends thought the issue was me being cheap or snobby, but the truth was that my folks never gave me any allowance or let me keep much of any babysitting money I would earn.
Same. I always had to wear used, pass down or on sale clothes from Walmart but then they forced us to go on 6 week camping trips every summer. I was constantly teased for not having better clothes and for having short hair until I was around 10 when I was finally allowed to grow out my hair. Even then my mother told me I wasn't allowed to wear it down, I had to pull it back because "people who cover their faces with their hair are viewed as weak and self confidence" according to her. I believe there was some kind of jealousy there. Many comments made still to this day to downgrade my self confidence and style myself to not look beautiful but rather look more like her and whatever she was wearing. She even insisted on advising me of what to wear for a job interview when I was 40 years old.....when I told her to back off she played the victim and said I was being disrespectful.
@@wittymystic7361 I never had any allowance either, so when other kids spent money I never had any. I also babysat, and my wicked stepmom would manufacture excuses to take my meager earnings away from me!
@@tacocat510 me too, I wasn't allowed long hair til I was a teen. And my stepmom made my sister and i wear hand-me-down clothes from my older cousin. This was the 1970's when kids wore tshirts and jeans, and we were wearing dresses from the 1960's. Talk about embarrassing!
I was not allowed to close or lock the bathroom door when I took a shower... it always had to stay a few inches open. She would frequently bust in the room while I was naked because "she needed something and forgot you were in there". Ditto for bedtime - not allowed to close the door when I went to bed. Creepy and weird, now that I look back on it. Totally humiliating for a modest child.
Just hit 50 and had the misfortune to have no choice but to live with my narc mum. Bursts into bathroom whenever Intake a no2, bath or shower, bursts into bedroom whenever she wants (she does knock first so I get 2 seconds warning…) I’ve lived 200 miles away from her all my adult life. Now stuck with her and near suicide.
@idontuseahandle I'm so sorry, please hang in there and know that there is a whole community of us out here that knows what this feels like.
@@idontuseahandle just throwing this out there…do you drive & do you have a car? I lived in my car with my dog a couple years ago at 54 years old & took showers at Planet Fitness…when I couldn’t find an affordable place to live. I had the option to stay at narc mother’s house but I chose to live in my car as opposed to being treated badly & total lack of boundaries. It was so worth it for the peace of mind & freedom & I’d definitely do it again. I’m final no contact now for over a year. Best to you 🩵
@@idontuseahandle Prayers for you, my friend. I hope there is a way out for you very soon.
I was also not allowed to close the door when using the bathroom. My bedroom did not have a door.
My father entered my room without knocking, despite the door being closed. When I asked him to knock he replied: "Why would I knock before entering my room?" From then on, I kept my room locked at all times, the key always with me. That was about 40 years ago, one incident in a continuous chain of events that would set me up to distrust and despise people, the world at large, and life as such. However, locking my room had the added benefit of preventing my mother from snooping through and messing up my stuff under the pretense of "cleaning" and my sister from popping in and cry-bullying.
It's not exactly a beneficial situation when you constantly have to fight the very people tooth and nail over scraps of your sanity and dignity who were supposed to prepare you for life. I didn't get away until my mid-20s and to this day I'm piecing together what was supposed to be a life.
Mom did that and I was always told I had a huge butt so as I was changing my mom came in, knew she'd find my butt large and I closed/slammed door on her, broke her toe nail taxied to the hospital where docs said I was a horrible kid, 😊!
Thank you for speaking of dignity and one of the most mindful ways to prepare their children for life is up to the parents, not the other way round.
@@joseenoel8093Too bad it wasn't the entire toe🤣👍🏻.
I could have written this although I developed limerence rather than distrust and hate
I'm sorry you had to live around your whole family that was like this 😢
Well said:
" You have been programed or brainwashed to ignore your own needs or bounderies."
Truth. They will never consider your needs or bounderies in their decisiond or outcomes of what they want or expect from you.
You are a just commidity or a means to an end.
💯
Best thing to learn:
I do not need your approval or you. This is where freedom starts. The lie that we are cemented in is that the relationship means something. It does to you and not them, not for the right reasons anyway.
yup, the only way they would successfully manage to convinve you they are needed is by degrading you as a person, manipulating who you are and what you are capable of. once you see it is all projection and you have been living a lie you can start to move on
A few years ago, I learned that the only person who needs to like me is me. I wake up with myself every morning and I go to bed by myself every night. I am the only constant in my life.
I like myself. If my mom doesn’t like me, that’s her problem, not mine.
🎯
My narcissistic parent was in charge of the final arrangements when my Uncle died. My NP had the audacity to go through her dead brother's phone and look at all of his private text conversations, including my private texts to my Uncle. My NP told me she read all my messages and when I told her how completely inappropriate that was, my NP turned it all around on me and started scrutinizing me for having my own voice. I'm over 50. This extreme invasion of privacy has been going on my entire life. 😢
I’m over 50 too and had similar experience
The ironic thing is I bet their parent did it to them. They did not learn from being abused not to do it to others. Jerry, my parents hit all 7 of your points.
They are predators!!
A lightbulb moment: focus on dissolving the inner enmeshment 😃👏😃
Jerry and everyone - I noticed narcissists are real into other people's weight and hair.
My mother HAS to be thinner than me. She has to feel more attractive than me. When I became ill and emaciated thru despair all she could say was "oh my God, you're thinner than me!"
I am no contact at 63 and have found peace.
I'm still overweight after a major mental health collapse and 2 year hospitalisation but I'm content in the knowledge I am not like her in disposition
Lol my mother's favorite expression is " those are MY legs!" when ppl say I have nice legs
I shaved my head and isolated during covid. Nmom hates my hair or lack thereof. I didn’t feel accepted until I started growing it out. I was trying to avoid new relationships, so I could heal from my childhood.
Yup . This is my mom. If I say no I can’t do something I get silent treatments or guilt trips. My mom isn’t disabled. Perfectly healthy to do things on her own. She expects me to be her personal assistant and drive her everywhere , hang up her pictures and shower curtains and dust her blinds. Yup. The final straw that made me go NC and very low contact for a year now was her telling me I need to plan my own birthday dinner in less than 24 hours and when I told her no I can’t etc I got the silent treatment. I decided I am not seeing her for Mother’s Day or my b day coming up or any holidays coming up. I have no plans to see her at all. If she called me to say she needs emergent help I know I would help her. But I am mentally drained. I haven’t missed not seeing her for almost a year now. She hasn’t called me either. We rarely text only in group text when someone in family starts the group text. My one sis told me mom said she guesses we will talk when I’m over my mad spell … as if I was the one who gave myself the silent treatment on my birthday 🙄. She never can say she is sorry. She can never admit to any responsibility for her actions. She blames everyone else for her misconduct. And to make all this better … my one sis who is the golden child that has not experienced anything I have …. Makes excuses for moms behaviors which makes me incredibly angry but I understand she hasn’t experienced what I have from being spit on , beat with belts , she never witnessed mom slapping welts all over our other sister , she never gets silent treatments for saying no. She was never blamed for things she never did ( everyhing was always my fault ). So I try not ro be angry at my sis whose experience with our mom has been very different than mine
Reading your post reminds me so much of my own situation with mother and siblings. My heart goes out to you! Wishing you a happier and peaceful future as you get back in touch with your own most essential needs. ❤❤❤
Assert your boundary, don't allow people to ride roughshod over you.
My ex doctors and therapists told me that's "scary and dangerous". I cannot "tell people what to do". This is right after a class on setting boundaries. Freakin insane! 🥴
Heard another youtuber guest say that if you tell someone where you boundary is you won't melt. The more you use that muscle the better you get with it. Expect pushback. They won't like it. It doesn't matter. You matter too.
The interesting thing about abandonment. Its truely false these people never had our best interests at heart nor are they all we will ever have. The fear of abandonment kept me enmeshed with my family until my late 30s. Until i started healing and understood our relationship only functioned by me enduring abuse, entertaining them and letting them use me. 😢
That’s not true and you shouldn’t let that sink in. No one shud ever treat you like that even if that person gave birth to you. . No one shud ever do anything to anyone else if they wouldn’t do that to themselves. Even if they do love you to in some degree, they are also breaking you during that. It’s not right it’s not love, it’s selfishness.
It's real different when it bleeds in to your children's lives with manipulation and deceit.
This. 😢 my mother uses my own child against me. Her vindication is that’s “her grandchild”, as if that supersedes me being his mother.
@@krisinnn she weaponizes him.
When I was young and going to school, I wasn't allowed to skip school. Even when I wasn't feeling well, my stepmom would say "oh, you're not sick!" She also went through my belongings, I had no privacy. Thx, another great video Dr. Wise ❤
Similar things happened to me. My mom checked my backpack every day when I got home from school looking for notes from friends. I started hiding them in my bra, in those little pockets, just pulled out the padding. It made my boobs look square shaped but I didn't care. My mom at least didn't strip search me so it was the only way I could communicate with my friends during school hours
But unlike yours my parents encouraged me to fake sickness to skip school until I started doing it as a teenager to hang out with friends. They then called the school and told them they need to be called every time I'm missing. And I got iss for doing it
@@dio69666 "square shaped" 🤣
It is interesting that you all are saying that your parent looking thru your things as a child is bad...I think its only bad when u have become and adult over 18 and arent living with them.
My mom is OBSESSED with weight. When I was 10 pounds overweight, she told me that I should talk to my doctor about normal weight obesity. No, she’s not a doctor, a nurse, or a nutritionist.🤦🏾♀️. She’s just super controlling.😆
The question is why do my siblings have a healthy parent relationship but I don't. My whole family's saying I'm the one who sees my family in a "bad light"
Because u r the "scapegoat " of the family. Google it & I bet u will see that a lot of what they r doing is because they can not face the truth & most likely u r a truth teller. Best thing I ever did is love them from a distance & since I do that when I have to see them I now see right through them & see what's going on. (I still let it go because their no worth my time & energy plus they will never change or see their faults as they've spent a lifetime perfecting how to cover them up! 😊
I don't know your situation, but it's quite possible your siblings have a close relationship with your parents but not a healthy one. As in they have a codependent relationship with your parents where they don't feel comfortable setting boundaries with your parents and are quietly suffering for it. On the outside it can look fine because the temperamental parents are getting their way and the siblings are pretending everything is fine.
There are subtle signs of enmeshment and codependency that your siblings will give off (if that's what's happening), but it will seem as though everyone is happy with the arrangement. Parents are happy to get their way. Siblings are relieved parents aren't mad at them.
My siblings were turned into flying monkeys after my nmom had her little melt down. Believed every word she said-and she’s always the victim. If I say what I really think, I am being disrespectful. Not playing that game anymore.
Because you are the scapegoat and they are the golden children
Great list, Jerry! It's like a freaking checklist!
They cross boundaries by:
✅1) Invalidating your feelings, thoughts, and opinions
✅2) Controlling by disregarding your wishes and autonomy
✅3) Manipulating you to reject your own boundaries
✅4) Lak of respect for privacy
✅5) Classic emotional abuse
✅6) Enmeshment
✅7) Neglecting your needs while prioritizing their own
✅8) Showing affection or approval only when you conform
If I journal about each one, it could be a series of novels.
💯
In 2012…the 1st time I went no contact ever after my grandfathers funeral…I was having a moment & called narc mother. When she answered I said while crying “You’re not going to abandon me again” Her response? “Grow up! Get over it!” then she laughed her evil laugh & then she hung up on me. I called her back & lost it on her. That ended up being 4+ years of no contact. Then a couple more no contacts after that. And then FINALLY I walked away for good the beginning of 2023 & haven’t looked back!!!!!
I was in my early 20s and my narc mother announced that none of us would go to maternal grand mothers funeral. Decades later it is my biggest regret. Ive gone no contact after little connection over the years and wont be giving any thought to her funeral 🎉
Sorry that you have a mom like that. It makes life challenging when we are used to abuse.
It is interesting to note that they go through a cycle of control seeking behavior: It includes: playing the victim, lying to frame a false reality, manipulation - a variety of triangulation- marginalization, punishment in a variety of forms and orders. As it pleases their case which is “malware about “keep the focus on me”. Best thing I heard in this video is simply developing your own inner boundaries. Coming out of the cage of deceit they have spun. I found this to mean rearranging how I treat me and see me. Rejecting their fake reality and staying true to self. You have to see these people with your eyes wide open. Selfishness is the fuel to their engine.We must take care of ourselves at all cost.
What is marginalisation
@@nadineelizabeth195 it happens when our point of view is diminished by another. It can happen in a conversation or any aspect of yourself that is reduced, neglected when you try to speak to it or when it would naturally be considered. It is as simply as someone never considering you in a very basic way like how you are doing, coping or handling something. You are just seen as insignificant, ignored, downplayed in all circumstances to keep the focus on themself. Hope this helps.
My mom always criticized me about my hair and weight. More my hair. I'm in my 50's and she still tries to put her hands on it to "fix" it; I've purposely grown my hair long, I refuse to cut it short to fit in with the cult family. Of course, that's not acceptable. I have asserted NO and then was told I'm being too sensitive and rude to my mother (she's your mom and means well). Wtf. Long story short, I've gone no contact with them. Thanks Jerry, your videos are just awesome.
Same here. Always my hair & my weight…& my clothes & my nails etc. She always hated my long hair & told me to cut it. She wanted me to have short red hair like hers. NOPE. I went final no contact over a year ago at 54 years old. So happy to hear you did the same! 👏😊
@gem7078 I can relate. My mother has always hated my long hair as an adult, probably because she's had the same short hairdo for the last 35 years or so, because she says she doesn't know what else to do with it. I've told her she should ask her hairstylist for ideas.
It’s crazy. Good for you, the criticism still hurts to the core
Same. Weight. Hair. Face. Clothes. I’m not even sure I trust what I see in the mirror.
Why do they focus on weight
My mother would repeatedly reject me and ignore me. Silent treatments that would last for years sometimes. Then my father would insists that I go “hug her” This happened my whole life. One time at church he tried to physically drag me over to her to kiss her butt after she turned away from me and wouldn’t talk me when I said “good morning “. Told me to my face they didn’t care about me. Then texts come “I knew you never liked me” from my mother. Good grief. I freed myself. Took me 50 years to accept I was the scapegoat and they really didn’t care.
Ooh the silent treatments... still get them to this day when I post a nice picture of me on FB. Had to unfriend her lol
Same here. I finally stopped trying after 40 years of the cycles. It was then when I learned what narcissistic behaviors are about.
I feel bad for dad- he's a family man. But, I have no control over mom. Other than stay away.
I keep learning from your videos. 72 and just learning how abused I really was in childhood and how much it has affected my life.
My mom’s attempts at control often make me laugh now. I moved across the country 30 years ago to escape and it was the best thing I ever did.
I’m visiting my family now and can’t wait to leave. It’s crazy land and I can see it for what it is now and maintain my boundaries without getting angry.
My favorite “momism” on this trip was when my mom asked if I have a will because I might be killed on my road trip. It’s her way of trying to use fear as a manipulation technique.
Saying No to Mom was a game changer.
I finally did, and now I feel guilty 😢 it is hard
@@RobbieAndGaryGardeningEasy Do you prefer feeling guilty or being beat up and controlled the rest of your life?
@@RobbieAndGaryGardeningEasy Keep doing it and it will get easier. You are changing the dynamic that has developed over a lifetime. Give yourself time.
@@RobbieAndGaryGardeningEasy That guilt you feel was installed by them. For those of us who grew up in toxic family systems, it's very much like a cult. That system installs guilt which is meant to get us back in line if we ever dare to attempt to step into our own two shoes.
@@annemurphy8074 so true!
I can spot these tricks a mile away and I find them rather amusing .... I've almost made a sport out of watching my sisters-in-law *trying* to get a rise out of me but I just won't play their games. It feels good to remain calm and unmoved by their Coca-Cola nonsense. Love your channel!!!
How do you do this? Have you always been like that?
Being in a relationship like this is very emotionally exhausting. My narc left my life 18 months ago and I still feel the effects of it. I don’t know what to do with myself.
I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. Please know you are not alone and you are strong for leaving that toxic relationship. You deserve better and a life that is full of happiness. Praying for you💓
It is difficult recovering from a narcissistic because usually the relationship becomes codependent. Once it's finally over I found myself completely wiped out mentally & physically. It took months of meditation & self care to return to normal; for me it was learning to b my own best friend & learning to say "no" (even if they don't listen because the narcissistic is used to u giving in & will b furious when u stand your ground with NO!) Just put one small step in front of the other & with time u will feel much better & return to your old / new self! 😊
I had a hard time contributing to our first meeting in my work because all I was thinking was "...don't do something that would get you in trouble with the police"
Hair and weight! Me, too, Jerry. Me. Too. You've helped me so much that when you said that, I LAUGHED out loud! Believe me, it's never been funny to me before - but, today, I laughed! Thank you, Jerry. 💜💜
Hair, weight, any kind of blemish...all of this had to be commented on by my mother. "Oh what's that bump on your chin?" It's a zit mom and I'd appreciate you not calling it out. I know about it.
Wonderful!
Right, why is my appearance so important to my mother? And why does her idea of an acceptable hairstyle or outfit have to be my problem? I would never criticize her appearance, yet she would constantly comment on my damned hair and try to dress me in things she thought would look better on me than what I was wearing! Talk about some messed up priorities! Maybe worry about yourself instead of others.
OMG this sounds exactly like my former inlaws. They pretty much ruined my marriage. Our marriage never really stood a chance.
My narcissistic mother would never respect me, she thinks shes entiled to everything i have, she would look through my things, steal my things, open my mail, come in my apt. When i wasn't home because she had an extra key since i never changed the lock!! She would bring her sister to my apt when i bought new furniture and give my aunt a tour!!! She had some nerve!! She gets in your conversations, she befriends everyone you know so she can start her smear campaign behind your back and put them all against you, she did everything in her power to break my marriage up since she knew i loved my husband so much, and kept me isolated from everyone for years, you feel like you are in a prison with no way out, but i thank God he gave me strength and i had faith that God was going to get me out of that position and he did and im so grateful and thankful, you have to go no contact and never look back!
Jerry, the more I happen to watch your videos, the more I understand my parents behaviour towards me: I found many answers in these great videos, and Iam really grateful
Glad to hear that! Thank you!
I struggle with feeling I would be abandoning my mother after my father passes but my mother had no problem leaving the country and did not care for her parents or my fathers.
Coming to the realization that you have no good standing in your own family is hard to swallow . Accepting that things are not going to change or improve for you on that front without some action by you takes time and steely reserve to reach . It's taken me a lifetime . - I've never reached the point where I totally don't care . I liken it to people being on a ladder and kicking down to keep you from advancing up to 'where you don't belong'.
I wish I learned earlier in my life not to over share things I was good at or how good I was doing because it was only used against me.
Damn if only she'd abandon me LOL.
Hey jerry, I just heard you read every comment and just wanted to say that im not much of a talker so I struggle to communicate properly with what I feel. But all I can say is thank you. You may never know fully know how much you have impacted my life and I've only been listening for a couple of days, im 30 now, so thank you brother.
I hope someone everyday makes you feel like the way you've made me feel. Noticed and heard.
Love you jerry, God bless you.
All the way from the land down under.
So kind of you to say
Best to you
Hair and weight!! So true- it’s all about appearances, and those are the aspects of appearances that they think they can control
In my family, "no" was never allowed. Things would be phrased as "optional" but we caught hell for saying no.
I had a double whammy Narc mum and Narc hubby
I have to insist on leaving and leave without my mom's acceptance every time I see her. It used to take me an hour to leave her. It still takes me too long...I leave angry and resolving not to see her again for a long time EVERY time I see her. I relate to every point made in this presentation. Thank you!
Welcome!
The latest with my parents. They’ve refused to take accountability for their abuse and so there is no contact with me. I told my Mother also to no longer give my children gifts. Well, she just couldn’t resist and sent them presents through the mail. I wrote and said she needs to respect my boundaries. Her response ‘well I don’t want my grand children to think we don’t love them.’
So… in other words she’s fine with completely being cut off from me but still wants my children to think she loves them? She’s a nutcase. Living in the world of delusion.
Well you've figured her out and the grandchildren are still naive and gullible.
My “parents” did all of these between the two of them. Except on the last one sometimes it’s the tyrant type of rage and threats and intimidation, although the guilt tripping was used too.
And as far as it goes tho, you pretty much have to push really hard and hold tight like a pitbull to “block” some things or hold a boundary. Like once I had to make everyone in the fam upset and be inconvenienced Bcuz I insisted that a certain special dinner be “separate.” They all went on and on like I was paranoid and crazy but I held my ground anyways. If it had not been about my adult son I would not have even bothered tho. (Such as a typical fam dinner-I just would not go at all).
I wouldn’t call it “having a relationship” with them. I just call it “when I have to be around them.”
My parents to a T :( . They broke me, an with the state of the country an economy, losing my license an job. I don’t know what to do anymore. Just defeated.
I literally laughed through this. These people are completely delusional. All the same. Love yourself, everyone. Distance is healthy and possible.
Invalidation
Controlling
Manipulation
Lack of respect for privacy
Emotional abuse
Enmeshment
Approval when you conform
When we blught lur house, the MIL wanted my husband to give his brother a key so he could come over and use the pool. Real truth, she wanted to snoop through our stuff. Hubby told her no, this is our home, nobody gets a key. Another time we purchased a big ticket item we saved for. She told me she wouldn't spend anymore money until I was back at work. I asked her whose money am I spending? Yours or ours$ The face that woman made was priceless. She alse expected to come over whenever she felt like it. Hubby told her no, call first. Didn't please the sourpuss and yes, it was "my" doing, according to her. I hate that woman with a passion.
Thanks Jerry, another great video! I have this book, it's time to re-read it! What bothers me is when a family member makes an indirect comment in order to find out information. I feel like this is overstepping my boundaries.
No contact with whole herd, you'll never have to listen to whatever crap they'd like to rinse out your way! It works and I was never interested in their take on things besides public school system, my kids and I plus wanna be narc hubby have highest degrees, works for me!
Thanks for sharing!
Yup. From the moment I learned what emeshment was, I knew that's what had happened to me. I did everything I could to look different from my mom by being a goth, and she's a southern christian white stepford wife (but ugly) looking woman, but I was forcefully issolated for so long I really do have a lot of her features still. Namely that I have zero interest in befriending people who have even a slightly different opinion to me. If they don't agree with me I drop them instantly. No bandwidth for arguing. I hope there's more therapists who understand or even just know about forced isolation. I was pretty much told no to having friends period. I mean repeatedly. Every time I asked to hang out with someone from a young age, elementary school. So I just never learned how to have friends even though I'm 35 now. Just never really happened
The fourth reason is why im such a private person. my Nparents, older sister along with the enablers would snoop on me at all costs, it even continued into adulthood to the point where i deleted all social media pages to hide from them. We shouldnt have to resort to such things but narcs and enablers dont care.
The part that really hurts me is their lack of respect of my personal space literally destroyed all of my relationships.
My sister was babysitting her grandchild, and my narc mother asked for a photo of the 3-year old (she showed me the photo on her phone, and the child did not look happy). Apparently the child had said she doesn't want her photo taken. So I asked, "then why did Ann take her photo?" Narc mother said, "because what I say goes!" Her total disregard for the child's boundary made me sick, and really had me reflecting on all of the silly photos I was forced to pose for as a child! :(
The specific examples really help. Thank you
Glad it was helpful!
Dear Jerry, as always, you hit the nail on the head, I feel everything you said. There is also often a reversal of the perpetrator-victim relationship. My narcissistic "mother" treated me like crap most of the time, but whenever I wanted to move into my own flat, she successfully played the victim with the rest of the family and made me look like I was letting her down. The family totally jumped on it. Unfortunately, I allowed myself to be emotionally blackmailed for years. It wasn't until I was 27 that I managed to free myself from the grip. At 44, I cut off contact with the whole family. Now I'm 48 and I regret not having managed to do both much earlier. Kind greetings from Germany 🇩🇪
Mine always create fake dramas. I remind myself that they’re not there for me for my real dramas nor do they tell me about real dramas of people I care about, they gate keep that info. I spent 50 years reacting to and helping them with false flags. 💙🙏🏻💙
For me personally, I still feel such guilt if I don’t do what she demands, since I was raised to Respect your elders. 😢 Jerry, very good video
Respect is earned, not supposed to be applied automatically just because of age. It’s their imprinting for you to feel guilt
@@bonitobonita9263💯
Agreed. Also there needs to be mutual respect. Respect is a two-way street!
I fight the guilt, too, especially since I live across the country and only visit once/year. My mom will be 90 this year.
I see what the guilt is doing to my younger sister who lives a half hour from mom, and the criticism of my older sister who is in her upper 60s and fighting to gain independence.
You are an adult now. She should respect you.
This was a great video. I watched it in preparation before seeing my narcissistic mother in a few weeks. I knew she was really self absorbed for awhile, but once I started setting boundaries and sticking to them my life changed. Thank you for the refresher!
Thanks for sharing!
Kinda creepy how these videos are giving me a deja vu like state of mind. They just spell out what I've experienced.
Sounds like my dad. He pushes for information, accuses me of lying when I don't give in. He says I have a problem because I don't like the crap he dishes out, he's a bully!
Thanks, Jerry. This is wonderful. My new resolution is to listen to one a day. My parents are deceased long ago, but I still see the enmeshment in current relationships, basically my lack of inner boundaries.
Yes truly fascinating, can't get enough of it, once, driving by, road rage had an old guy being beat up, driving past soon after cops there and I said I'd seen it, I offered/went to courts as witness, kinda a waste of time my husband took time off work and my parking fee not covered but another witness stepped up so, my (once a dead beat dad after malignant covert mom finally ditched him cops tired of refereeing physical fights too) dad criticized me for getting mixed up, so I don't skip the dishes just their funerals for all to see, bunch of hypocrites!
I enmeshed myself all over the place due to my programming. Working on it.
I feel I'm really picking up on the way you reframe the scenarios by extracting the emotion and just seeing how ridiculous some of the behaviors, manipulation attempts and so forth really are. It's something I can apply to current situations and past ones as well.
Honestly, Jerry, thank you for talking about all of this! Enmeshment doesn't get the coverage it should. I so appreciate you and your wisdom and guidance!!!
I appreciate that!
My dad was obsessed with the hair thing. I can remember him complaining about my brother's hair. When they got old enough they grew it out. When I had sons he my dad complained about thier hair too.
AWWWWWWWWW……. that is so sweet you read our comments. You are amazing and I watch and listen to this video three times in a row.
God bless you from Cynthia in JANESVILLE, WI
I really do Cynthia!! Jerry
I have had every single one of these done to me.
Sorry to hear!
Thank you for a great video. I went no contact with my mom as she was super controlling. She brainwashed me for past 43 years and now I finally learned how manipulative she was. Keeping my distance from her really helped to get on my feet and move on
Thanks for watching!❤️
After I attempted suicide, they non stop verbally and emotionally abused me. Things only got worse after the attempt.
Mine would do the same
Im sorry and I'll pray for your peace.
I wish for my sister watched these too. Very enlightening and wise. The pieces about conditional love are starting to sink in more. Maybe I did love my mom and stayed not because I was a failure, but because I wanted love and to matter. I have a lot of healing to do still that may take a lifetime. I wasnt freed (to say) until the day my mother died.
All children are born wired to love their parents and especially their mothers. You can see it in any mammal animal. It's their abuse that make impossible to have a real loving connections. For them enmeshment is love.
I don't know your mother but mine has been colder than a fish.
My mother was hot and cold. She had very victorian views about her children. She also had to be in control and if she lost control the threats started. So many people loved her, but her direct family... yeah. I sufer from needing to be in control too. I acknowledge all my faults.
I appreciate these videos because I always feel like my thoughts and feelings don't ever matter to anyone in this world, not just where I come from but everywhere I go I feel dismissed and it's just angers me and it feels like everyone seems to be an enemy and it's very painful.
I hate this feeling i carry around that your explaining.
I have a smile on my face everytime I learn more to deal with , not them but me. I never knew about inner bounderies and listening to what I want and like to do and be . I have still a long way to go . And with every new video it s like 🌞
When I think about how a parent does things systematically to just undo there child .is s new kind of horrified nightmare to me.
My parents are long dead, but I still find value in this video. Thanks for posting :)
I visit my mother fairly often; she expects/demands that I listen to her +- 10 hours a day for a week or more.
Now that I voiced my need for silence (like, can't you please shut up) when I use the bathroom, she is mad. She doesn't respect it, or I need to constantly remind her, and she argues or belittle me. Oftentimes she continues speaking even when the door is shut because she wants me to raise my voice. I won't play her nasty game. I can't take this anymore.
I think this is why I was very strong in not taking from my children and giving them and them space.
I wanted them to feel safe in their belongings.
I understand this going through it with my older brother he’s a child in a man’s body bc he was spoiled rotten since he came back I was hoping he was staying where he was but I was wrong I know I’m having trouble with boundaries myself I can’t get him out of my personal space i can’t say it’s my apartment anymore bc it doesn’t feel like it’s my apartment anymore when they put their stuff in the house too he eats up the food and he can cook and I can’t due to my learning disability about cooking I hate my family i can’t stand them really!
- [00:00] 🧠 Understanding narcissistic parents' tactics and boundary violations.
- [01:34] 🚫 Narcissistic parents dismiss your feelings, thoughts, and opinions, invalidating your boundaries.
- [01:49] ⚖ They seek control by disregarding your autonomy and decision-making.
- [02:03] 🎭 Manipulation tactics include guilt-tripping, gaslighting, and emotional blackmail.
- [02:37] 🔒 Lack of respect for privacy: snooping, invading personal space, and disregarding boundaries.
- [03:57] 😡 Emotional abuse tactics: yelling, name-calling, and demeaning to undermine your boundaries.
- [04:34] 💔 Enmeshment blurs boundaries, preventing individuality and self-differentiation.
- [06:04] 🙅♂ Neglecting your emotional and physical needs while prioritizing their own.
- [07:14] 💔 Conditional love based on compliance with their demands.
- [08:15] 🛠 Focusing on internal boundaries and detachment for stronger external boundaries.
- [09:36] 💡 Accepting and recognizing the behavior of narcissistic family members.
- [11:14] 🛑 Setting boundaries: employing "no" firmly and without arguing or defending.
- [12:38] 📚 Recommended reading: "When I Say No, I Feel Guilty" by Manuel J. Smith.
Dear Jerry, I love watching your videos I have found them very enlightening and helpful in my own personal journal to unmesh myself from my narcissistic family super-cell
You are so welcome
My mother did such a good job pretending to listen and making it sound like she cared. And she LOVED saying that she believes in talking things out. It was maddening!!! I'm NC now but man ..I still get messed up with shame because she was so good at saying something that sounded great but acting like a manipulative, gross child with power
Incredible video. When I contradict my mother, she says that I am not myself anymore and that I am being manipulated 😅
Thank you so much for making these videos. I knew my life wasn't normal but I didn't understand how . It's like you are telling my story for myself to re-hear it and realize it wasn't my fault.
You are so welcome
your program is changing my life Jerry, I bought it for my birthday last year and was dancing with excitement when I discovered it. Your work is simply invaluable.
Exactly. Just like talking to a brick wall.
My narc mum once promised a neighbour I would go back to our hometown to help out with a youth festival - without asking me. I told her she had no business to do that, that I had other engagements elsewhere for that weekend, and that I refused to be manipulated. Later, the lady called me. I explained to her what had happened and suggested that she try and persuade my mum to help out instead of me. She succeeded. My mum later said she’d enjoyed it. Of course, she won’t do it again (either volunteer or try to manipulate me that way). I don’t want to be like her, but I admit I found that bit of reverse manipulation satisfying!
If for some reason someone is unable to experience the best of you, its a good indication that they should not experience you at all....
My late Narc mother and grandmother 100%. All of it. It's like all narc parents/relatives/friends/colleagues are mass-produced in satan's factories!
They always picked on our weight, clothes, etc. I missed a bus for work because something I wore ''showed off my belly'' - you could not argue with them because it would escalate, I'd end up crying on the bus on the way to work and it would be hard to concentrate.
Boundary breakers par excellence. They even read my dad's private letters from his relatives (my aunts and uncles).
Now, my sister and I are seeking help to get rid of my mum's hoarding and the stress is literally and figuratively strangling our nerves.
I'm an adult and I'm dealing with family/parent/friends issues overstepping boundaries or just not accepting "no".
Having someone disown you because of your preference or decision you made is a sad reality I had to learn to accept but time has made it easier for sure!
Thank you for this timely video. I have finally realized my childhood abuse at age 51 and have cut ties with my family, especially my narcissistic mom and sister. I still get along with one family member, my niece, and she is helping me by gray rocking their inquisition about my phone number no longer working for them. I recently wondered what I would do if they popped in at my house and did not know how to approach it. I forgot gray rock was the answer until I heard you give the great examples here! I can now easily imagine simply and calmly agreeing with their claims of worry or hardship or whatever they might blame me for, and reminding them of the boundaries I have set for myself - that I would prefer not to communicate and associate with them any longer, regardless of what they might do or say. Being able to imagine myself in control during such a scenario is very reassuring to me. I have never really felt that around them before. They have walked all over me my entire life. The fact is, my absence won't even hurt them, even if they claim it does. But it will definitely help me. It's time for me to get on with my life and leave them behind. Thank you again for your helpful examples and explanations.
I went through the same thing & decided to GR my family & their flying monkeys & I feel so much better. The stress I endured from "helping" my Mom was aweful especially when she would get everyone against me because I could not do something she wanted. Also, feeling guilty was a part of my life - I thought it was just the way I was until I learned different & became my own best friend. 😊
They don't admit you have feels, are hurt either physical or emotional, have concerns, needs, opinions, or rights. You definitely do NOT have boundaries with them or any at all. If someone hurts you, lies to you or abuses you in some way,... That is ok with them. You shouldn't be mad or angry at someone for doing that to you. How dare you be angry or mad at that person. Your parent can defiantly go off on you for feeling that way because they don't think you have a reason to be mad or upset at a person for doing that to you. Parents don't think people have to treat you right, hold up to their agreement, or be held accountable for doing something horrible to you. They think you deserve it and you should apologize to person/people for being angry with them.
The challenge I think there is that families are organisms and somethings it is meaningful to have people go to and the approach creates a fine line between the need for self and selfishness.
My parents never allowed me to have friends that they didnt approve of. My mom made it so that the only way i could hang out w peers in middle school was to essentially schedule play dates after vetting their parents in awkward meet ups that retrospectively were like interviews. They humiliated me countless times in front of peers and justified it by stating i was just overreacting. Ive always been an autistic weirdo w no social skills, but the few ppl i didnt scare off myself w my weirdness were eventually ran off by one or both of my parents. To this day i have never had an actual friend, as in someone who genuinely enjoys my company w out wanting something from me. I doubt i ever will. My parents isolated me from my peers to the point i didn't have any peers. And to this day they refuse to leave me alone or treat me like a person
God bless you Jerry. Thank you for all you are doing 😘
Shockingly accurate about my Father. My brother is also in my opinion a Narcissist. I'm not sure if my Father is but he's definitely on the spectrum. My life is being so affected by these characters right now. Crazy. It's effecting my mental and physical health and the are boiling it down to my age and hormones. It's absolutely amazing. I feel broken, humiliated, scapegoated, gaslit, and use yet I still call my Father and he calls me. He's great at giving me advice as long as Il"fet in his way. He's not loyal and uses my narcissistic brother to help him out if I dare "get in his way" even though he knows how dysfunctional himself, his son and daughter inlaw is. And the funny thing is they all think that they are all crazy but they back each other up if I "cross the line".