One thing that annoys me is when people tell me that I should smile more often. I'm not good at fake smiling, because I look funny when I do it. One thing I like about wearing masks to guard against COVID is that there's less pressure to smile.
Im the same and i tend to get dozens of comments every day at work about looking fed up and i cant cover it with a mask because wearing a facemask for extended periods of time makes me feel claustrophobic and makes me have a panic attack. Being un-able to wear a mask at work has also made my anxiety worse because im also scared of getting ill with covid or making my family ill with covid
I was told I need to smile more during childhood. I wasn't miserable but just wasn't expressive. I forced myself to smile more and now I get told I smile too much. Pleasing everyone is impossible.
Hi Ella, I'm an autistic person from Germany and I mask whenever I'm with people. When I'm around my closest family members or a few other people on the spectrum I can reduce that masking quite a lot, but only when I'm by myself I am really able to fully unmask. Since I've got my diagnosis this year I am working on unmasking in presence of other people. I think it's better than before I was diagnosed and I can now be myself a bit more day by day.
The most annoying thing is, when you try to explain to a neurotypical about masking, they'll tell you, "Oh you don't need to mask around me", as if it was a choice. Five minutes later they're telling you you need to smile more. "You don't need to mask, but you need to smile more". If I think back to all the bad advice I got from neurotypicals over the years that didn't make any sense, but I went along with it anyway (because society demands that you do), it's like I can see the errors in my code that shaped me.
I have ADHD, but this video is so relevant to me. I feel like all neurodivergent people do this, and honestly these are some really good tips. I've just recently started unmasking my ADHD, and I'm already noticing myself beating myself up over "acting like an idiot" or "being too sensitive" now that I'm more in touch with my emotions. The point you made about allowing myself breaks when feeling overwhelmed, and admitting I need extra support, rather than just trying to force my way through it, is so relevant and wise. I can't thank you enough for making this video.
One day, I was at work when a thunderstorm was brewing. I like being outside just before the rain starts, because the air is often cool and breezy and there's an electric tension all around. However, when I was outside gazing at the dark storm clouds while at work, the customers seemed to think it was odd. Why is my enjoyment of something like thunderstorms considered odd? If anything, it seems to me that they're depriving themselves by not taking in the environment.
I think it has more to do with your presentation of how you're enjoying the thunderstorms. If, like one of my friends, you ran out there like an excited puppy, that might raise some eyebrows. If you take your break to go inside with the thunderstorm approaching and go to the employee break area to do so, possibly the smoking gazebo or even your car, then it's just another day at the office. Think of it in terms of sneezing or yawning. One does not actually have to say at you while sneezing, nor does one have to say yawn while yawning. I had a roommate who would do both, and it was bizarre, to say the least. In public, both of us had the same volume level of sneeze, but people would bless me and forget about it because it was just a loud sneeze. his were always a spectacle that pretty much brought a halt to work as everybody had to chit chat about it. It's less about masking, and more about being less of a caricature.
@@AnnoyingNewslettersPage6 this comment really bothered me. It sounds like you just have a problem with this individual person who has quirks and gets attention at the office. How do you know that person is autistic and that the examples you gave are indicative of it? And are you comparing this person to autistic people masking? Just because someone does an odd thing doesn't make it masking. And how negative your comment was about that person..
I love thunderstorms as well! And a lot of times when I'm walking home, I like to stop and look at the trees and listen to the birds singing (the path is by a forest), but then notice people staring and I feel like I'm doing something wrong. I remember when I was a kid living in a countryside and there was this old man who walked around the hills and fields on his free time and stood there for a while, and people said he was creepy and strange. I don't really understand this, like WHAT is the "correct" way to enjoy nature if not just going in there and witnessing it???
Ouch, I feel that. I did so well that my parents won't even believe it, yet the spectrum is the only answer for my behavior that doesn't include 6 or 7 anxiety/personality disorders
I have just discovered this concept of masking. I cried all the way through this video because it describes my life from around the age of 7 until now (I am 52 supposedly and have initiated trying to get a diagnosis which is daunting but vital). Thank you Ella. I have already shared this with a few of my closest friends so that they might understand me better as I am suffering badly from trying to unmask. You have described it so succinctly 💜🙏 (Oh and this is my first youtube comment ever, which is a bit scary)
Well since it's your first ever comment then I need to reply 😊. I'm so glad this video has resonated with you and it's amazing that you can use it to help your friends to understand. Keep going, it does get easier to live authentically and the benefits are well worth the effort.
Thank you, I was finally diagnosed last week and i returned to this video to show somebody then i was shocked to see that I'd commented 🤣 my unmasking is going pretty well actually, i am so much happier even though things are still difficult but i am getting help and I'm living much more authentically. Thank you so much!!! ✨💖🙏
This is an excellent video. I will save it in my "spectrum research" playlist so I can re-watch it and show it to people closest to me, because I think it's very informative and educational.
I have masked all my life, I got my diagnosis a month ago tomorrow and I haven't figured out who I am, what I want or what I need in my life yet, I dont know my interests an have no actually friends. Your videos really help me so thank you. I wish I could have a friend like you, I'm mentally drained from trying to fit in and I still don't fit in, people still think I'm weird!
I was diagnosed less than a week ago but i started to unmask 9 months ago when i saw this video. I hadn't even heard of masking before even though i self diagnosed 7 years ago. A lot of my friendships have fallen away which is really tough but the more i am myself, the more i find other people who are accepting despite lots of social anxiety and those friendships are stronger than any I've had before so please give yourself time, i know it's tough ✨🧚♀️🌸
5m33s: "We may feel like we don't have genuine relationships and connections because they're based on our masked persona and not our true selves. This can cause a feeling of loneliness, even if we're surrounded by people. We can feel like we've lost our true identities under layers and layers of masking. " This. 👆👆👆👆❤️ Truth.
I sometimes feel like I am an entertainer. When I'm with people it's never quiet because I have to fill every silence. I make jokes and overshare and people seem to like it but I get annoyed by myself because I can't shut up. Also I have always had the feeling that even though I have friends, or people around me that seem to like me I am lonely and lack deeper connections. I thought it was just overthinking but the masking is probably a big Part of it. It's also really weird how fast I switch to not being able to say anything after I say goodbye to people and get on my bus.
I’m with you there, getting annoyed with myself for over sharing. Lately I’ve found I can’t speak when I’m too upset, I didn’t know life could be so hard. I’m 63 and self diagnosed and I wonder where do I go from here?
@@rosywilson3076 I wish I could tell you. I'm struggling myself. My next approach is trying to find a therapist (preferably one who specializes in neurodivergent people)
I unmask in lock down. Until I got on zoom. Then I socialising with groups of 6. So speedy small talk conversation. Lots of people talking at once so masking again. Or "pretending to be normal" again. So in full lock down I was happy that was unmasking. But I was crying for world. But lock down show the world what it is like to be autistic having to stay in and be by yourself. So this pandemic did do that as a positive.
My son masks at school and the “special needs” teachers excuse for when i explain about his meltdowns at home are “its hot the weather can mess with their heads” so disheartening that im stuck not being able to make anyone realise the severity of his behaviour when he comes home after school
I would research a mental health issue known as after school restraint collapse. It’s very real and it effects most children…imagine how much worse he would experience this specific type of meltdown given that he’s probably exhausted not just from the demands of school but because he’s had to mask through it all! I know from personal experience, especially since I wasn’t diagnosed until I was 29 (I’m 35 today) after school meltdowns we’re a regular thing for me for a long time. It’s most definitely NOT “just the heat” and it’s very unprofessional of them to suggest that when as SPED teachers their training should have taught them that. I’m sorry your son has to go through this, much love to you both! 🥰
Masking has been a real problem for me throughout my life - you are so right when you say how draining it is. My life has been punctuated by 'breakdowns' which, as I now know, were the result of the stress of constant masking. I have been trying to be more authentic since my diagnosis in 2013 but it is hard. I now have a few friends who accept the real me but it has been very difficult with some family members. Your video was very helpful and contained some great tips. X
@Truman Absolutetly - I have been told that just because I have the 'label' of autistic that I am now acting the part. They just do not 'get it' that I was acting the part of a neurotypical before the diagnosis to the detriment of my mental health and now I am just being me. It really is an uphill struggle - my small circle of friends just accept me for who I am and it is often said that your friends are the family that we choose for ourselves.
I know you probably won’t see this, Purple Ella, but I want to thank you for this video. I’ve been coming home from school completely exhausted for the past few months (before I realised I could be autistic). I thought it was that school was getting harder, or that I wasn’t getting enough exercise, or that maybe it was just normal. I never realised it could be masking, that I could be hiding my true self. It’s like I hid it from myself too, because I didn’t realise I could be autistic until a month ago, at the age of 16. I didn’t realise I mask until today, after watching this video. I now realise all the ways masking has affected my life, and I’m going to work hard to embrace my true self, once I find it.
This reply is a little late but as someone who’s currently in this exact position you were in when your wrote this comment, I hope you have been doing better at discovering your true self and I wish you nothing but luck for the future !!
I was diagnosed at 6 but that doesn't mean I learned to accept myself. I'm 18 and still live in so much shame. I've started out at university and I feel like I have no real friends even though I'm partying almost constantly. I cried to one of the girls I live with about it and told her I was finding fitting in so difficult because I am autistic and she was sympathetic but I feel like she doesn't truly understand what I'm going through. So I've been searching the internet everywhere for answers on how to be happy and I want to thank you so much for making videos like these
I am not diagnosed since my traits aren't very pronounced. But this video really spoke to me and I'm starting to realize how much I am constantly fighting to fit in... It is exhausting!
Ella, I'm doing a Teen Life course through the Autistic Society and you were in some of the videos 😊it made me happy! I'm self diagnosed mum of a boy with autism. I've been masking all my life 😔
Whenever I mask, I am in a state of high anxiety and am more likely to say or do something that others take personally. I have very little control of myself when I mask, I am running on a malfunctioning automatic system
My husband says I act differently than when we first got together 8 years ago, however, I feel the same as I always have been. I wonder if this is because I'm more comfortable and mask less around him or if it's because I'm burnt out from maskings and am slipping in front of him...
Could be. It's interesting that you say, "I feel the same as I always have been". I suspect - as you say - that you are more relaxed and mask less around your husband because you trust him and feel comfortable doing so in his presence, even if this is an unconscious action by you. There is also the aspect of coming home e.g. after work or being out somewhere - either with or without him, where perhaps you have been masking somewhat, and once you are inside the house you consciously relax and unmask automatically as part of unwinding, and he's picked up on that. It's interesting that he's saying this now after eight years. Although you are fundamentally the same people you were eight years ago, you will both have matured and developed as people over that period, so what he perceives may not even be related to unmasking, but just you both getting older and your relationship maturing. Not only are you not quite the same people you were then, but perhaps neither is your relationship the same as it was. He will have changed too; it's not all down to you. Finally, having just watched this video myself and realising the potential harm that masking all the time might cause, would it not be better if you can be yourself more of the time with your husband? Maybe you gradually have been which is what he's noticed. Perhaps it would help if you talked to him, and asked him how he thinks you are different and in what ways, and maybe also ask him the same thing about himself. This might give you more of an idea about what it is that he thinks has changed. That would be starting point for further thought and discussion.
I think you just mask less then. In my case, I tend to be close to nonverbal except for when I absolutely have to say something. As I get a little more comfortable in an environment, I begin to speak a bit more. Honestly, I'm surprised no one at any of the jobs I've had ever figured it out since even I noticed it
Oh my gosh. I loved this video I was actually looking at different videos about masking to make sure that I'm putting things into words correctly on my videos. I struggle with putting words down to paper and this was perfect. Trying to get more information out here in the US and you're one of my favorite Advocates that puts it so well. Thank you for all you do and all the content you put out. You're such a beautiful person. Love following all of your social medias thanks good day
Hi Ella, I am just starting the process of learning to be myself since I finally received my Autism diagnoses this week. Although I have to some extent always refused to conform (with all of the problems that brings at school). I found a church 8 years ago where I can be myself (and it is acceptable to fiddle with prayer ropes even in the services which is really helpful). I have also gravitated to academia and am doing a PHD in one of my special interests which means I can talk about it a lot as it is acceptable as an academic to talk about your research. :) It is still hard work and I find when I can retreats in monastic communities where I can just be and discover myself really helps. I am really grateful for your videos which are helping me navigate the process of being myself and accepting just how different that is to the perceived normal.
I was diagnosed with Autism back in 2007 when I was 5 and just started to know about masking. I didn't even know I was doing it in the past. I was constantly told that I was being too loud and had to be quiet, force fed "social stories" about how my behavior is incorrect (especially calling a person a boyfriend or girlfriend), and told I needed to control how I think about my special interests. Especially when you've dealt with abuse from your biological dad as a child, bullying from your classmates as a teenager, and consistent harassment from Facebook Group moderators as an adult, you feel like you have to hide your autistic traits or be forced to come out with your disability. But in the end, I still have to deal with the negative people in my life every day just because they find me to be very toxic whenever I defend myself and what I enjoy.
A lot to reflect on to actually "rediscover the inner-me" It is unfortunate that the majority of Workplaces ( at least in the Country I live ) where "fitting in" is pretty much as important as your Professional Qualification. I hit Burnout after 10 years with the same workplace & couldn't return to work because of total burnout ( not to mention the bullying & harassment & exclusion I endured ) so I had a well paid job but because I "didn't fit in" even when I was masking! . I have lost a lot of self confidence with people because of it . I mean it was almost like a tattoo across my forehead saying "target practice" . I am literally "rebuilding" myself from severe Depression, High anxiety, Panic disorder & PTSD. Taking care of our Mental Health is vital to enjoying who we are & I'm slowly crawling out from under the Duvet & accepting & respecting who I am. TY for such an insightful & helpful Video : D
This masking sounds like me. I’ve not had a diagnosis but I encouraged my youngest sister to get assessed and she was diagnosed with Asperger’s. We are both similar in our mannerisms but for25 years I worked mainly with the public and struggled mostly
If I completely unmask, people will either think I am weird or rude. For example, I put on a jolly voice and say 'thank you' when a person behind the counter at a supermarket handed me my item. I know I shouldn't mask but I feel bad for the person behind the counter who will think that their action is not appreciated, or that I am rude. I also stim by walking around. If I just walk out of my desk and pace around all the time, that might not be so much of a good thing in a classroom (I am a student). I am not sure how I should go about unmasking.
I think there's a combination of doing things that everyone does like saying thank you to the supermarket person as long as it isn't uncomfortable for you. But also recognising which aspects of masking hurt you and asking for reasonable accommodations for those - so perhaps if you need to walk around you could have a meeting with student support to arrange a get out of a class card for when you need to leave and walk around - which would be less disruptive for the teacher as it would be expected.
@@PurpleElla Hello, thank you for answering. I know that saying 'thank you' to supermarket worker is something everybody does - that's why I do it even if I know it is masking and not natural. This why earlier, I said I can't completely unmask (because if I completely unmask, those will be gone too, and people will think that I am rude). So, I would say I am working to lower my mask to around 20-30%. As for the pacing around stimming. I usually walk around after class, and especially during the pandemic (having online classes), if I need to stim, I will just turn my camera off and walk around, then come back and no one would suspect a thing. I will figure this out when school goes back in person but for now, thank you for your advice.
@@PurpleElla Also, while I have you here. I am also extremely hypermobile like 9/9 on the Beighton Flexibility Scale. I asked my GP, and he said although I might have EDS, he said I should not be very worried, since I don't have any pain associated with it (like I have no pain from my extreme hypermobility whatsoever). What do you think about this statement by my GP?
@@nutsuphanat197 I would agree with you GP that hyper mobility on it's own isn't a medical issue. If you had pain, or any other associated symptoms (digestive, headaches, etc) that's when you would need to see a doctor about it.
@@PurpleElla Yeah, I agree. I talked to someone I knew who actually has EDS, and she even joked that 'you have a cool party trick,' since I have hypermobility with no repercussion from it. Anyway, I hope you have an amazing day. I will keep watching you, please continue doing what you do!
I like how you describe the experience of masking. I'm going to share this video with my close friends when I come out to them about all this. Thank you for the videos as always
My 3 year old was already masking and more so the closer she gets to 4. I think she already knows she is "different." I never encouraged masking or tried to change her in any way. She just knows. I do mask. I hope she is not somehow copying me. I just want her to be able to be herself. I have done it for so long, I am trying to find myself still.
@Truman yeah I do the same, I've started subtle rocking when I get too much sensory stimuli or if I feel panicked. I also do some fiddling with my hands and basically moving around when I used to force myself to stay still.
5:32 "we may feel like we don't have genuine relationships and connections because they're based on our masked persona and not our true selves" ok ella, call me out then I guess :(
I'm 26 and my therapist/psychologist back in April told me she thinks I am definitely on the spectrum and wants me to get tested again. I have to apply for a grant to get tested or crowdfund as my insurance will not cover it. I was told I have many of the traits and characteristics for Autism. I have since been doing research and reading books on autism and finding videos to learn more about it and why females are later diagnosed. My therapist/psychologist also said that I tend to mask a lot.
The coffee with friends... 🤣 Is it normal to need go for weeks without knowing what I like? I made a happiness-chart to visualize how activities make me feel. But I end up reading my chart and realizing, I just thought I'm supposed to enjoy these things. What if I don't know what I like doing, because I have never done it? :o
I get that for sure, I also struggle with this after so many years of just going along with things. I'd say try lots of things with an open mind and hopefully you will find some things which bring you joy.
I had a relationship with a person who didnt realise he was autistic. I have a hatred of lying, so it was quite devastating to find out he was not what he had pretended to be. I learned what masking was through him. Unfortunately, I would call masking lying, dishonesty, deceitfulness and a lack of integrity. The word disingenuous just popped into my head, as you said how you want to be more authentic in future. So no, its not a good thing at all. Whom I thought was my soulmate, who thought just like I did, turned out to be a fake. A fraud. Now I cant trust anything he says. I have to remind myself that what I see outwardly and what he says may actually be the opposite of whats actually going on inside his head. Its a shattering thing.
Ella, what do you do for support with shopping? I rarely go to stores, preferring to shop online; but I must grocery shop regularly. When I can't get myself out the door, often my husband will go to the grocery store for me. But I only have my husband for support. No friends. Sometimes I just need him to be in the car while I shop, to feel that I can survive the event and not go back to the car alone. It's weird. Shopping makes me feel even more lonely than usual, but I'm happy to browse all the aisles if my husband escorts me. It's exhausting!
Masking is survival. Fortunately, I'm in a line of work now that doesn't require a lot of personal interaction, but not after decades of perfecting my public personna!
Can someone explain the difference between masking and "modifying our behaviour to fit into certain cituations," I'm having trouble separating the two, and shouldn't we push for more acceptance by being ourselves as much as possible?
We were told by a child psychologist that my son does well in school, he was observed and didn't have any issues and basically suggesting that because he can cope at school, the problems are at home, where he loses it. I have tried to explain to him that my LO is masking but he has this really backward way of thinking? How do you help people like him to understand the mental, emotional and physical nature of masking and how difficult it is to keep it together. He's basically saying that if you behave well, you ARE well? Isn't that stupid?
Sometimes while masking I catch myself tripping because I‘m getting more and more comfortable with the people I‘m surrounded by. But usually they react somehow disgusted when I stop trying to mimic their neurotypical behavior and I 'put the mask back on' immediately.
A speck of masking every now and then won't hurt, especially if you're on the pull or on a job interview but if you're an accomplished person with many, many valuable skills then masking is unnecessary and utterly pointless, speaking from a highly talented person with autism. Then again I'm pretty extroverted and work as a salesman!
As I watch this (very good) video, I keep looking at the random rainbow pattern on the wallpaper. WHY ARE THEY RANDOMLY SPACED‽ There must be a reason. Or none. Yes, I'm autistic.
I have to say but I have several friends who are autistic as a NT, I like their company and I don't mind hearing about their interests but they talk about it so much I can't get a word in about my own interests. They also find it natural to seclude themselves and ignore me for prolonged periods of time. It hurts me when they refuse to speak to me yet I can't say anything because they apparently need it.
Pointless small talk I find the stimminhr annoying I found many neurotpyicals stim and chew they other people pens we can't chew our shirts, if neurotpyicals are more capable then aspies then neurotpyicals should be able to adapt and conform
As someone that has in the past fallen in love with someone's mask only to find out that that wasn't who they are I have nothing nice to say about masking
My relationship with my first boyfriend lasted 5 years and a half. One of the reason why we split apart was that he thought that I needed therapy for my social akwardness, even though I told him that my social akwardness wasn't curable and that I didn't want to cure it anyway because I was not feeling like this part of me was making me suffer and needed to be dealt with. I have things that I wish I could deal better with, but not my lack of social skills. Since even a man that I sincerely loved couldn't deal with this, I feel like I should perfect my masking and use it even more, because I don't want to be rejected for that again. But now other people say that masking is a bad idea. It's really confusing and I don't know what to think.
For clarification, how does masking differ from modifying behaviors to fit into a situation? because, in my opinion, there is no such thing as neurotypical. There are only socially acceptable behaviors and interests. Ramble On excitedly about comic books, movies, geek stuff in general, and it gets labeled autistic behavior. Recite the Bible chapter and verse, or memorize endless sports statistics, and it's seen as neurotypical behavior.
One thing that annoys me is when people tell me that I should smile more often. I'm not good at fake smiling, because I look funny when I do it. One thing I like about wearing masks to guard against COVID is that there's less pressure to smile.
I was told to smile more even with a mask on.
I always say "I smile when theres a reason to"
Amen to the masks!
Im the same and i tend to get dozens of comments every day at work about looking fed up and i cant cover it with a mask because wearing a facemask for extended periods of time makes me feel claustrophobic and makes me have a panic attack. Being un-able to wear a mask at work has also made my anxiety worse because im also scared of getting ill with covid or making my family ill with covid
I was told I need to smile more during childhood. I wasn't miserable but just wasn't expressive. I forced myself to smile more and now I get told I smile too much. Pleasing everyone is impossible.
Hi Ella, I'm an autistic person from Germany and I mask whenever I'm with people. When I'm around my closest family members or a few other people on the spectrum I can reduce that masking quite a lot, but only when I'm by myself I am really able to fully unmask. Since I've got my diagnosis this year I am working on unmasking in presence of other people. I think it's better than before I was diagnosed and I can now be myself a bit more day by day.
The most annoying thing is, when you try to explain to a neurotypical about masking, they'll tell you, "Oh you don't need to mask around me", as if it was a choice. Five minutes later they're telling you you need to smile more.
"You don't need to mask, but you need to smile more".
If I think back to all the bad advice I got from neurotypicals over the years that didn't make any sense, but I went along with it anyway (because society demands that you do), it's like I can see the errors in my code that shaped me.
I have ADHD, but this video is so relevant to me. I feel like all neurodivergent people do this, and honestly these are some really good tips. I've just recently started unmasking my ADHD, and I'm already noticing myself beating myself up over "acting like an idiot" or "being too sensitive" now that I'm more in touch with my emotions. The point you made about allowing myself breaks when feeling overwhelmed, and admitting I need extra support, rather than just trying to force my way through it, is so relevant and wise. I can't thank you enough for making this video.
One day, I was at work when a thunderstorm was brewing. I like being outside just before the rain starts, because the air is often cool and breezy and there's an electric tension all around. However, when I was outside gazing at the dark storm clouds while at work, the customers seemed to think it was odd. Why is my enjoyment of something like thunderstorms considered odd? If anything, it seems to me that they're depriving themselves by not taking in the environment.
I don't know, mainly because I enjoy it too, especially if I can stand under something that will block the rain. But I guess that's just more for us
I'm not autistic but I love thunderstorms
I think it has more to do with your presentation of how you're enjoying the thunderstorms.
If, like one of my friends, you ran out there like an excited puppy, that might raise some eyebrows.
If you take your break to go inside with the thunderstorm approaching and go to the employee break area to do so, possibly the smoking gazebo or even your car, then it's just another day at the office.
Think of it in terms of sneezing or yawning.
One does not actually have to say at you while sneezing, nor does one have to say yawn while yawning. I had a roommate who would do both, and it was bizarre, to say the least.
In public, both of us had the same volume level of sneeze, but people would bless me and forget about it because it was just a loud sneeze. his were always a spectacle that pretty much brought a halt to work as everybody had to chit chat about it.
It's less about masking, and more about being less of a caricature.
@@AnnoyingNewslettersPage6 this comment really bothered me. It sounds like you just have a problem with this individual person who has quirks and gets attention at the office. How do you know that person is autistic and that the examples you gave are indicative of it? And are you comparing this person to autistic people masking? Just because someone does an odd thing doesn't make it masking. And how negative your comment was about that person..
I love thunderstorms as well! And a lot of times when I'm walking home, I like to stop and look at the trees and listen to the birds singing (the path is by a forest), but then notice people staring and I feel like I'm doing something wrong. I remember when I was a kid living in a countryside and there was this old man who walked around the hills and fields on his free time and stood there for a while, and people said he was creepy and strange. I don't really understand this, like WHAT is the "correct" way to enjoy nature if not just going in there and witnessing it???
This is exactly me... Sometimes I'm so good that it makes things harder because people think I'm so functional that I can't be aspie.
Ouch, I feel that. I did so well that my parents won't even believe it, yet the spectrum is the only answer for my behavior that doesn't include 6 or 7 anxiety/personality disorders
I have just discovered this concept of masking. I cried all the way through this video because it describes my life from around the age of 7 until now (I am 52 supposedly and have initiated trying to get a diagnosis which is daunting but vital).
Thank you Ella. I have already shared this with a few of my closest friends so that they might understand me better as I am suffering badly from trying to unmask. You have described it so succinctly 💜🙏
(Oh and this is my first youtube comment ever, which is a bit scary)
Well since it's your first ever comment then I need to reply 😊. I'm so glad this video has resonated with you and it's amazing that you can use it to help your friends to understand. Keep going, it does get easier to live authentically and the benefits are well worth the effort.
Thank you, I was finally diagnosed last week and i returned to this video to show somebody then i was shocked to see that I'd commented 🤣 my unmasking is going pretty well actually, i am so much happier even though things are still difficult but i am getting help and I'm living much more authentically. Thank you so much!!! ✨💖🙏
Even before I knew I was autistic, I understood that every time we pretend to be someone or something that we are not, we do violence to our soul.
B.
@K Thomas Thank so much for your thoughtful reply to my comment.❤️
Someone should use your quote.
I agree.
This is so true and I felt that when I was forced to mask for 3 years straight. I wasn't myself.
This is an excellent video. I will save it in my "spectrum research" playlist so I can re-watch it and show it to people closest to me, because I think it's very informative and educational.
Thank you! I hadn't thought to make a playlist specifically for sharing with people close to me. This video is the first added to my new list.
I need to make a playlist like that that's a good idea
I have masked all my life, I got my diagnosis a month ago tomorrow and I haven't figured out who I am, what I want or what I need in my life yet, I dont know my interests an have no actually friends. Your videos really help me so thank you. I wish I could have a friend like you, I'm mentally drained from trying to fit in and I still don't fit in, people still think I'm weird!
That's my problem, even if I mask I still seem weird. So I just try to be basically polite but still my weird self.
I was diagnosed less than a week ago but i started to unmask 9 months ago when i saw this video. I hadn't even heard of masking before even though i self diagnosed 7 years ago. A lot of my friendships have fallen away which is really tough but the more i am myself, the more i find other people who are accepting despite lots of social anxiety and those friendships are stronger than any I've had before so please give yourself time, i know it's tough ✨🧚♀️🌸
I always try to do the eye contact, but I can't hear what they are saying
5m33s: "We may feel like we don't have genuine relationships and connections because they're based on our masked persona and not our true selves. This can cause a feeling of loneliness, even if we're surrounded by people. We can feel like we've lost our true identities under layers and layers of masking. "
This. 👆👆👆👆❤️ Truth.
I used to be baffled by the saying, "Be yourself."
I sometimes feel like I am an entertainer. When I'm with people it's never quiet because I have to fill every silence. I make jokes and overshare and people seem to like it but I get annoyed by myself because I can't shut up. Also I have always had the feeling that even though I have friends, or people around me that seem to like me I am lonely and lack deeper connections. I thought it was just overthinking but the masking is probably a big Part of it. It's also really weird how fast I switch to not being able to say anything after I say goodbye to people and get on my bus.
I’m with you there, getting annoyed with myself for over sharing.
Lately I’ve found I can’t speak when I’m too upset, I didn’t know life could be so hard. I’m 63 and self diagnosed and I wonder where do I go from here?
@@rosywilson3076 I wish I could tell you. I'm struggling myself. My next approach is trying to find a therapist (preferably one who specializes in neurodivergent people)
@@paula-wp1sh good luck - and thanks for replying 😀
Good one Ella. I’m processing this since my diagnosis in March.
I unmask in lock down. Until I got on zoom. Then I socialising with groups of 6.
So speedy small talk conversation. Lots of people talking at once so masking again.
Or "pretending to be normal" again.
So in full lock down I was happy that was unmasking.
But I was crying for world.
But lock down show the world what it is like to be autistic having to stay in and be by yourself.
So this pandemic did do that as a positive.
Yes, those Zoom conversations can be very exhausting, can't they?
@@That_Awkward_Mum I tried Zoom once, it was far to chaotic for me...
In large groups, when to speak and when not to is sill a mystery to me...
My son masks at school and the “special needs” teachers excuse for when i explain about his meltdowns at home are “its hot the weather can mess with their heads” so disheartening that im stuck not being able to make anyone realise the severity of his behaviour when he comes home after school
I would research a mental health issue known as after school restraint collapse. It’s very real and it effects most children…imagine how much worse he would experience this specific type of meltdown given that he’s probably exhausted not just from the demands of school but because he’s had to mask through it all!
I know from personal experience, especially since I wasn’t diagnosed until I was 29 (I’m 35 today) after school meltdowns we’re a regular thing for me for a long time.
It’s most definitely NOT “just the heat” and it’s very unprofessional of them to suggest that when as SPED teachers their training should have taught them that.
I’m sorry your son has to go through this, much love to you both! 🥰
Masking has been a real problem for me throughout my life - you are so right when you say how draining it is. My life has been punctuated by 'breakdowns' which, as I now know, were the result of the stress of constant masking. I have been trying to be more authentic since my diagnosis in 2013 but it is hard. I now have a few friends who accept the real me but it has been very difficult with some family members. Your video was very helpful and contained some great tips. X
@Truman Absolutetly - I have been told that just because I have the 'label' of autistic that I am now acting the part. They just do not 'get it' that I was acting the part of a neurotypical before the diagnosis to the detriment of my mental health and now I am just being me. It really is an uphill struggle - my small circle of friends just accept me for who I am and it is often said that your friends are the family that we choose for ourselves.
I know you probably won’t see this, Purple Ella, but I want to thank you for this video. I’ve been coming home from school completely exhausted for the past few months (before I realised I could be autistic). I thought it was that school was getting harder, or that I wasn’t getting enough exercise, or that maybe it was just normal. I never realised it could be masking, that I could be hiding my true self. It’s like I hid it from myself too, because I didn’t realise I could be autistic until a month ago, at the age of 16. I didn’t realise I mask until today, after watching this video. I now realise all the ways masking has affected my life, and I’m going to work hard to embrace my true self, once I find it.
This reply is a little late but as someone who’s currently in this exact position you were in when your wrote this comment, I hope you have been doing better at discovering your true self and I wish you nothing but luck for the future !!
I was diagnosed at 6 but that doesn't mean I learned to accept myself. I'm 18 and still live in so much shame. I've started out at university and I feel like I have no real friends even though I'm partying almost constantly. I cried to one of the girls I live with about it and told her I was finding fitting in so difficult because I am autistic and she was sympathetic but I feel like she doesn't truly understand what I'm going through. So I've been searching the internet everywhere for answers on how to be happy and I want to thank you so much for making videos like these
I am not diagnosed since my traits aren't very pronounced. But this video really spoke to me and I'm starting to realize how much I am constantly fighting to fit in... It is exhausting!
Ella, I'm doing a Teen Life course through the Autistic Society and you were in some of the videos 😊it made me happy! I'm self diagnosed mum of a boy with autism. I've been masking all my life 😔
Whenever I mask, I am in a state of high anxiety and am more likely to say or do something that others take personally. I have very little control of myself when I mask, I am running on a malfunctioning automatic system
My husband says I act differently than when we first got together 8 years ago, however, I feel the same as I always have been. I wonder if this is because I'm more comfortable and mask less around him or if it's because I'm burnt out from maskings and am slipping in front of him...
Could be. It's interesting that you say, "I feel the same as I always have been". I suspect - as you say - that you are more relaxed and mask less around your husband because you trust him and feel comfortable doing so in his presence, even if this is an unconscious action by you. There is also the aspect of coming home e.g. after work or being out somewhere - either with or without him, where perhaps you have been masking somewhat, and once you are inside the house you consciously relax and unmask automatically as part of unwinding, and he's picked up on that.
It's interesting that he's saying this now after eight years. Although you are fundamentally the same people you were eight years ago, you will both have matured and developed as people over that period, so what he perceives may not even be related to unmasking, but just you both getting older and your relationship maturing. Not only are you not quite the same people you were then, but perhaps neither is your relationship the same as it was. He will have changed too; it's not all down to you.
Finally, having just watched this video myself and realising the potential harm that masking all the time might cause, would it not be better if you can be yourself more of the time with your husband? Maybe you gradually have been which is what he's noticed. Perhaps it would help if you talked to him, and asked him how he thinks you are different and in what ways, and maybe also ask him the same thing about himself. This might give you more of an idea about what it is that he thinks has changed. That would be starting point for further thought and discussion.
I think you just mask less then. In my case, I tend to be close to nonverbal except for when I absolutely have to say something. As I get a little more comfortable in an environment, I begin to speak a bit more. Honestly, I'm surprised no one at any of the jobs I've had ever figured it out since even I noticed it
Oh my gosh. I loved this video I was actually looking at different videos about masking to make sure that I'm putting things into words correctly on my videos. I struggle with putting words down to paper and this was perfect. Trying to get more information out here in the US and you're one of my favorite Advocates that puts it so well. Thank you for all you do and all the content you put out. You're such a beautiful person. Love following all of your social medias thanks good day
I'm not autistic but I'm trying to design a character who is, and your videos have been helping me a lot! Thank you
Hi Ella, I am just starting the process of learning to be myself since I finally received my Autism diagnoses this week. Although I have to some extent always refused to conform (with all of the problems that brings at school). I found a church 8 years ago where I can be myself (and it is acceptable to fiddle with prayer ropes even in the services which is really helpful). I have also gravitated to academia and am doing a PHD in one of my special interests which means I can talk about it a lot as it is acceptable as an academic to talk about your research. :)
It is still hard work and I find when I can retreats in monastic communities where I can just be and discover myself really helps. I am really grateful for your videos which are helping me navigate the process of being myself and accepting just how different that is to the perceived normal.
I was diagnosed with Autism back in 2007 when I was 5 and just started to know about masking. I didn't even know I was doing it in the past. I was constantly told that I was being too loud and had to be quiet, force fed "social stories" about how my behavior is incorrect (especially calling a person a boyfriend or girlfriend), and told I needed to control how I think about my special interests. Especially when you've dealt with abuse from your biological dad as a child, bullying from your classmates as a teenager, and consistent harassment from Facebook Group moderators as an adult, you feel like you have to hide your autistic traits or be forced to come out with your disability. But in the end, I still have to deal with the negative people in my life every day just because they find me to be very toxic whenever I defend myself and what I enjoy.
A lot to reflect on to actually "rediscover the inner-me" It is unfortunate that the majority of Workplaces ( at least in the Country I live ) where "fitting in" is pretty much as important as your Professional Qualification. I hit Burnout after 10 years with the same workplace & couldn't return to work because of total burnout ( not to mention the bullying & harassment & exclusion I endured ) so I had a well paid job but because I "didn't fit in" even when I was masking! . I have lost a lot of self confidence with people because of it . I mean it was almost like a tattoo across my forehead saying "target practice" . I am literally "rebuilding" myself from severe Depression, High anxiety, Panic disorder & PTSD. Taking care of our Mental Health is vital to enjoying who we are & I'm slowly crawling out from under the Duvet & accepting & respecting who I am. TY for such an insightful & helpful Video : D
God, thank you so much for listing examples of masking, it felt really validating
Allowing ignorance to continue to flow throughout our society, is like allowing a pandemic to continue.
This masking sounds like me. I’ve not had a diagnosis but I encouraged my youngest sister to get assessed and she was diagnosed with Asperger’s. We are both similar in our mannerisms but for25 years I worked mainly with the public and struggled mostly
Found this very helpful for my gradual de-masking journey, thank you so much 😊
love the rainbows & purple. thanks Ella
Thank You, you are a beautiful natural person💕
If I completely unmask, people will either think I am weird or rude. For example, I put on a jolly voice and say 'thank you' when a person behind the counter at a supermarket handed me my item. I know I shouldn't mask but I feel bad for the person behind the counter who will think that their action is not appreciated, or that I am rude. I also stim by walking around. If I just walk out of my desk and pace around all the time, that might not be so much of a good thing in a classroom (I am a student). I am not sure how I should go about unmasking.
I think there's a combination of doing things that everyone does like saying thank you to the supermarket person as long as it isn't uncomfortable for you. But also recognising which aspects of masking hurt you and asking for reasonable accommodations for those - so perhaps if you need to walk around you could have a meeting with student support to arrange a get out of a class card for when you need to leave and walk around - which would be less disruptive for the teacher as it would be expected.
@@PurpleElla Hello, thank you for answering. I know that saying 'thank you' to supermarket worker is something everybody does - that's why I do it even if I know it is masking and not natural. This why earlier, I said I can't completely unmask (because if I completely unmask, those will be gone too, and people will think that I am rude). So, I would say I am working to lower my mask to around 20-30%. As for the pacing around stimming. I usually walk around after class, and especially during the pandemic (having online classes), if I need to stim, I will just turn my camera off and walk around, then come back and no one would suspect a thing. I will figure this out when school goes back in person but for now, thank you for your advice.
@@PurpleElla Also, while I have you here. I am also extremely hypermobile like 9/9 on the Beighton Flexibility Scale. I asked my GP, and he said although I might have EDS, he said I should not be very worried, since I don't have any pain associated with it (like I have no pain from my extreme hypermobility whatsoever). What do you think about this statement by my GP?
@@nutsuphanat197 I would agree with you GP that hyper mobility on it's own isn't a medical issue. If you had pain, or any other associated symptoms (digestive, headaches, etc) that's when you would need to see a doctor about it.
@@PurpleElla Yeah, I agree. I talked to someone I knew who actually has EDS, and she even joked that 'you have a cool party trick,' since I have hypermobility with no repercussion from it. Anyway, I hope you have an amazing day. I will keep watching you, please continue doing what you do!
I like how you describe the experience of masking. I'm going to share this video with my close friends when I come out to them about all this. Thank you for the videos as always
I remember so many times looking in the mirror, not knowing who I was. I discussed this a lot this year with my psychologist 💗
It’s a heavy show, but Mr Robot tackles the concept of masking in a way that allowed me to understand the process within myself.
My 3 year old was already masking and more so the closer she gets to 4. I think she already knows she is "different." I never encouraged masking or tried to change her in any way. She just knows.
I do mask. I hope she is not somehow copying me. I just want her to be able to be herself. I have done it for so long, I am trying to find myself still.
I've been trying to unmask more often, so I have let myself stim more in public, and it's so freeing. I still mask heavily but it is a start.
@Truman yeah I do the same, I've started subtle rocking when I get too much sensory stimuli or if I feel panicked. I also do some fiddling with my hands and basically moving around when I used to force myself to stay still.
Hi Ella! I have my first telephone assessment on the 7th of November. I'm super nervous 🙉🙉💗
I will be thinking of you, and try not to be nervous, just be honest about your experience and hopefully it will go well 🌈
How did your phone assessment go?
Thank you for your video! It is so helpful and appreciated by us! 🎶🐈
5:32 "we may feel like we don't have genuine relationships and connections because they're based on our masked persona and not our true selves" ok ella, call me out then I guess :(
This is my favourite of all your videos so far (and I'm caught up on at least 3 years worth by now :))
I'm 26 and my therapist/psychologist back in April told me she thinks I am definitely on the spectrum and wants me to get tested again. I have to apply for a grant to get tested or crowdfund as my insurance will not cover it. I was told I have many of the traits and characteristics for Autism. I have since been doing research and reading books on autism and finding videos to learn more about it and why females are later diagnosed. My therapist/psychologist also said that I tend to mask a lot.
The coffee with friends... 🤣
Is it normal to need go for weeks without knowing what I like? I made a happiness-chart to visualize how activities make me feel. But I end up reading my chart and realizing, I just thought I'm supposed to enjoy these things. What if I don't know what I like doing, because I have never done it? :o
I get that for sure, I also struggle with this after so many years of just going along with things. I'd say try lots of things with an open mind and hopefully you will find some things which bring you joy.
Miss, you frighten me as you describe alot about me.
Excellent video Ella! Thank you...
I had a relationship with a person who didnt realise he was autistic. I have a hatred of lying, so it was quite devastating to find out he was not what he had pretended to be. I learned what masking was through him. Unfortunately, I would call masking lying, dishonesty, deceitfulness and a lack of integrity. The word disingenuous just popped into my head, as you said how you want to be more authentic in future. So no, its not a good thing at all. Whom I thought was my soulmate, who thought just like I did, turned out to be a fake. A fraud. Now I cant trust anything he says. I have to remind myself that what I see outwardly and what he says may actually be the opposite of whats actually going on inside his head. Its a shattering thing.
Ella, what do you do for support with shopping?
I rarely go to stores, preferring to shop online; but I must grocery shop regularly. When I can't get myself out the door, often my husband will go to the grocery store for me. But I only have my husband for support. No friends. Sometimes I just need him to be in the car while I shop, to feel that I can survive the event and not go back to the car alone. It's weird. Shopping makes me feel even more lonely than usual, but I'm happy to browse all the aisles if my husband escorts me. It's exhausting!
you are wonderful. tks
I Have Bookmarked This Video
Masking is survival. Fortunately, I'm in a line of work now that doesn't require a lot of personal interaction, but not after decades of perfecting my public personna!
This video is fantastic and so much good advice! Thank you
Thank you so much.
Thank you for your channel.
Can someone explain the difference between masking and "modifying our behaviour to fit into certain cituations," I'm having trouble separating the two, and shouldn't we push for more acceptance by being ourselves as much as possible?
We were told by a child psychologist that my son does well in school, he was observed and didn't have any issues and basically suggesting that because he can cope at school, the problems are at home, where he loses it. I have tried to explain to him that my LO is masking but he has this really backward way of thinking? How do you help people like him to understand the mental, emotional and physical nature of masking and how difficult it is to keep it together. He's basically saying that if you behave well, you ARE well? Isn't that stupid?
Sometimes while masking I catch myself tripping because I‘m getting more and more comfortable with the people I‘m surrounded by. But usually they react somehow disgusted when I stop trying to mimic their neurotypical behavior and I 'put the mask back on' immediately.
I love your necklace. I love anything that is rainbow, where did you get it from?
Thank you. My friend got it for my birthday so I'm not sure where it came from.
@@PurpleElla I would love one 😀
A speck of masking every now and then won't hurt, especially if you're on the pull or on a job interview but if you're an accomplished person with many, many valuable skills then masking is unnecessary and utterly pointless, speaking from a highly talented person with autism.
Then again I'm pretty extroverted and work as a salesman!
What is the difference between masking and social skills?
When I leave my room im “ normal “ it’s only my mum that knows I have it bc she got my diagnosis
Yes
good 👌
As I watch this (very good) video, I keep looking at the random rainbow pattern on the wallpaper. WHY ARE THEY RANDOMLY SPACED‽ There must be a reason. Or none.
Yes, I'm autistic.
ella: make a list
me: ...I CAN DO THAT
😂 we've got this!
lol true
i have not made a list
I realize if we didn’t live in such a ableist world we wouldn’t have to
I don't mask
I have to say but I have several friends who are autistic as a NT, I like their company and I don't mind hearing about their interests but they talk about it so much I can't get a word in about my own interests. They also find it natural to seclude themselves and ignore me for prolonged periods of time. It hurts me when they refuse to speak to me yet I can't say anything because they apparently need it.
Do you write scripts before you film, or do you speak off the top of your head?
I work with scripts but I don't stick to them rigidly.
Pointless small talk I find the stimminhr annoying I found many neurotpyicals stim and chew they other people pens we can't chew our shirts, if neurotpyicals are more capable then aspies then neurotpyicals should be able to adapt and conform
As someone that has in the past fallen in love with someone's mask only to find out that that wasn't who they are I have nothing nice to say about masking
Yes, it feels malicious. I now know that it's not, but intentionally or unintentionally, I was tricked.
@@er6730 I'm not saying you weren't tricked. Quite the opposite. Legitimate cause is no excuse to be unaware of effect.
My relationship with my first boyfriend lasted 5 years and a half. One of the reason why we split apart was that he thought that I needed therapy for my social akwardness, even though I told him that my social akwardness wasn't curable and that I didn't want to cure it anyway because I was not feeling like this part of me was making me suffer and needed to be dealt with. I have things that I wish I could deal better with, but not my lack of social skills. Since even a man that I sincerely loved couldn't deal with this, I feel like I should perfect my masking and use it even more, because I don't want to be rejected for that again. But now other people say that masking is a bad idea. It's really confusing and I don't know what to think.
For clarification, how does masking differ from modifying behaviors to fit into a situation?
because, in my opinion, there is no such thing as neurotypical. There are only socially acceptable behaviors and interests.
Ramble On excitedly about comic books, movies, geek stuff in general, and it gets labeled autistic behavior.
Recite the Bible chapter and verse, or memorize endless sports statistics, and it's seen as neurotypical behavior.