My brother is 17 months younger than me and high-functioning autistic. The first video i watched of yours was you and your children explaining your perspectives on the male and female autistic differences. And it confirmed it for me. Every so many years i have had the brief thought that i am autistic. But i didnt have the same symptoms as my brother...no i couldn't be. All of this is very hard for me. I cry so much every time i watch your videos. Everything i am is finally being explained to me. Ive been searching whats wrong with me for so long and even now idk what my psychologist is going to confirm. But to me it's all so prevalent, that im a very high-functioning autistic person.
Hi Ella As a Dyspraxic, I had a similar childhood. So if girls and women are "masking" their autism, there must be an awful lot of them who are undiagnosed or misdiagnosed. I ❤️ your channel. 👍👍
Living in an abusive home, I became hypersensitive and masked my emotions so that I would not be physically hit or verbally assaulted. I did this for so long I forgot that I was a person underneath the face I was using to survive while growing up in my home and avoided everyone. For me, letting go of my mask was a long and arduous process that felt impossible and neverending. I had to reconnect with my true feelings instead of pinging off of others to get by. I did not understand why I was different, but I knew I was not getting something that most others did with no effort. It was like walking alone through a dessert blinded and in a haze trying to piece together the remnants of whatever it is you are. I am not autistic, but I know the problem of masking all too well. It was very deep-rooted for me and I was wound up tight in it If you are currently in a similar state, you must be patient and content with every bit of progress you make no matter how insignificant it might seem in the moment. The little bits add up.
I'm having similar experience. the dysfynctionality in my home might not have been that severe, but ever since I can remember I've always felt like I don't know what/who I am and how to define myself. I have serious problems with masking and the chameleon thing. I've been bingeing asperger/autism videos/info for a week now, trying to determine if I'm actually on the spectrum or due to traumatic childhood experiences I just got lost in the many masks I tried to wear around people
OMGOMGOMGOMG YES ME TOO!! Burt you now what I did though? I went to the other extreme and rebelled at least inside and held SO closely and fiercely to my identity that i never felt that way..I closed up tight and held everything inside..as a teen i wrote a poem about being "folded into planes like an origami animal" In the mix i had sacrificed most of my social skill development...but I kept my SOUL...i can come off sometimes like an asshole....i troll a lot...but im not autistic..just adhd..I do very much identify with the feeling of having to work SO hard to survive and still never getting ANYTHING you need back emotionally, while watching everyone else act like a jerk and skating by lazily and being given everything- that's what it IS at its core and it's absolutely brutal, and not something that humans evolved to withstand as we are social creatures...if you understand anthropology at all.. Im so sorry for your story.
i also masked a lot playing "the pretty blond princess" so that I could make my family seem like it was okay- beacuse i spent my entire childhood TERRIFIED that CPS would come and find out how bad it really was, and take my brothers away, put them with abusers who would sexually abuse them or do worse than our own parents did.
Childhood abuse/neglect actually mimicks the symptoms of ND very well, we cant fit in with spoiled brats when we are left alone to suffer in pain day after day after day with no one to protect us and instead, only blame us.
My mask never comes off, not even on my own. My autism becomes visible when the mask starts to crack under pressure. That is generally when people say that didn't think I was 'like' that. When a PIP tribunal judge asked me what it's like when my mask comes off.... Like what? I had no idea what to say, my mind went blank.
Do you understand it more now? I also try to understand how I mask but honestly I only realize that my facial expressions change around people I know because normally I dont really have any facial expression or I seem angry all the time. Apart from that I dont really know what is masking and what is me really
Yes to masking part 2. I feel like I took my mask off all the way just to see myself as I am now that I know I am on the spectrum. Uncultured and unmasked its been liberating but the fact is I can't get away with it all the time. I don't want to be offensive or a bad example so I now I'm thinking I need some mid-grade mask that keeps me out of trouble yet allows me to be authentic.
RedRock Asrama exactly, I think non autistic people do this, change their behaviour to suit the situation, and it can be helpful in certain situations to be able to do this.
I always knew that I was different. I equate this to my being an apple tree in the middle of an orange grove. True they are both fruit, but fundamentally are different types. In primary school, I was called names, not picked for sports teams etc., it hurt but I didn’t really understand. In Secondary school, I was really bullied by other students, often physically. I knew I stood out, but didn’t ever really know why or what to do. Until I really started watching the other students and kind of lurking at the edges and listening to their conversations to see what they talked about. Then the differences became very obvious. Girl we’re all about teen celebrities, popular music ( I loved classical music and ballet). Then I bought all the teen magazines, read them cover to cover, memorized All the facts about singers and actors. I still didn’t really fit in and was still bullied, until I got sick of it and started fighting back. Finally, they stopped physically picking on me, but I got in trouble in school for fighting. Teachers and school administrators knew what was happening but did f... all about it. As an adult, I have become Very proficient at appearing normal at work or in the community and only am myself at home.
Thank you. I have always felt odd and i have tried mimic others so often. With 13 i decided to only wear black since i was beeing bullied and “not normal“ anyway and since then i started beeing Goth, but even in the scene i felt odd and strange and not welcome (i'm still goth tho xD). I kept on mimic ppl and was shy and wouldn't talk to strangers until i was 16 and started to serve in a pub (legal in germany),attempting to overcome my “shyness“. It helped but not much. Then a few years ago i thought “F*CK IT! I'm odd and that's okay.“ and by accepting that i got incredibly confident in my person and began to stand up against bullys, sexism, racism, discrimination and unfairness when i see it. I had today a councelling and i'm so good at masking the counceller wouldn't have noticed if i hadn't told her of my struggles and i my partner wasn't there to confirm (especially problems with reading faces and empathy...). These vids help so much. I hope this fundamental and essential knowledge will find its way into the practical work with autistic persons.
When i was a teenager i loved painting lord of the rings warhammer models. I struggle with social interactions and i found it hard to talk to people about anything other than my hobby. I started finding people were openly rude to me about my interests so i lost interest in it and put all my models in a box under my bed. The kids in my area were starting to play instruments and starting a band so i starting learning the guitar to fit in. I didnt actually even like music if im honest but i begin playing guitar obsessively and really started liking nirvana, green day and foo fighters (because i could actually play their songs). I grew my hair out and i found that because i had long blonde hair and carried a guitar around people would talk to me when i had always been shunned by my peers before. I would find people i had never met knew who i was and would come and speak to me. I always secretly pined for my old hobby of painting models but was too embarrassed to start painting again. This year, after struggling more than ever with my mental health i finally decided i would start my old hobby again. Since ive dropped this guitar playing rocker mask and trying to rediscover my true inner self for the first time in 15 years ive found masking and social interactions harder and harder, to the point every day at work is an unbearable hurdle to over come. Is it possible to forget how to mask or is this severe burnout im facing?
I've been masking for so long I don't even know who I am anymore. I have no authenticity. I have no. identity. Who I am is a fraud. How am I supposed to carry on with my life like that?
I did not even realise I was masking until I watched Prof Tony Attowoods lecture 'Girls and Aspergers' and as I went tick tick tick the pennies started dropping and I realised he was describing my childhood, life and experience which I could not make sense of or put into words. All I know was life was a long struggle on a exquisite and intricate planet that did not make sense to me.........and I'd spent a fortune on therapy! I was 61 at the time........ I discussed things with my gp and have been referred for assesment but that's all been put on hold because of covid............. so it's not even over yet....................... but it's good finding the final piece of the puzzle but I do want it confirmed.
I relate you you so much I remember coping popular tv characters to get liked I have fully mastered masking But its exhausting and this can cause me to break down this has happened to me in school and college and it caused to get bullied I haven't been diagnosed yetvim waiting for my assessment thank you for sharing you're existences
Part 2! Love u ella 💜 ur Videos are so helpful I think you've helped me more than any doctor has still waiting on the waiting list hate thate that because I don't even know when it will be and I am very persistent on dates
I'm so very grateful to have found your channel & community. It's like exhaling to hear stories & experiences I can relate to. Thank you Sending love from Oregon
I am always just... off to the left and a step behind everyone else. Somewhere in my late twenties/early thirties I got better at masking. I chose a carrier where I deal with the public all day🤦♀️, believe me, masking is a matter of professional survival. It's exhausting. I mask socially because I don't like being lonely and I people don't like spending a lot of time with me when I don't. I mask less with my good friends. I feel like its exhausting to be masked all the time, but it's exhausting for neurotypicals to be around an unmasked me. My masks and strategies have got better over time. It helps that I really do find other people fascinating and don't mind letting them talk about their lives if it means I don't have to speak as much.😉
Try to avoid groups and people with too much energy. Conserve energy in group-situations by adopting a shy/conserved personality with them. It'll prevent you from engaging with difficult social situations while masking with a group.
It was only recently that I knew I was different. When I was with my friends, I did not know that I was different. I thought it was because of my accent. Some times I am good at masking my autistic symptoms and other times I am very poor. It depends on my physical or mental health. I only subconsciously copy others as I used to have a Geordie/Northumbrian accent but somehow I have lost it and now have a new posh accent.
It is a subconscious thing I do. I would love to have my old accent back. I think that the only time I am able to speak in my Northumbrian accent will be fellow Northumbrians. Please can you do another video about masking. Thank you.
OMG!! Thank you so much PurpleElla for this video as I have masked my autism for majority of my life!! And…it can be very exhausting for me…^_^ I tried back in school way too hard to hide everything from sensory issues and any autistic issues…to which whenever I came home from school, my parents labeled me as a “tornado”… I know your autistic struggles as I’m 36 years old and also mask out during work hours and in public too!!^_^
Do you know if autistic people are more likely to fall prey to narcissists? Can a narcissist also be neuro divergent? I might be in an abuse relationship right now and not realize it. He's very kind and attentive, but my mental health has declined since being with him. I feel so confused.
I've run into a couple of videos of autism in women so I want to know more. I'm wondering, how is it that you know that you're masking? Is masking something that only pertains to autism?
I’m 60, and fed up masking...don’t feel I should have too anymore so I don’t. It’s exhausting so I’m just myself now..if you don’t like it tough. I’ve played the game long enough.
I often pick up and start mimicking someones accent that im speaking with, it can be quite embarrassing as some people can take offence. Fortunately, the last lovely scots gent i mimicked, was at a wedding and he was drunk and just laughted. As I've moved around the country, I've picked up other accents.
Victoria Myatt - I always do this too (I.e if someone has a 'posh' or 'cockney voice'). I don't even realise I have adjusted myself until later when I rerun conversations through my head from the day. Would be interested to see how many other ladies do this!
Wow.. I have done this for some time.. Always thought it was I moved around a lot. Starting to see more to it now along with much of my other traits. I only become aware of it when people ask me suddenly ..where are you from. Thank u for you comment. Thank you also Purple for your video.
I was diagnosed a few years ago, but I didn’t notice how much I masked until literally a couple of days ago. I’ve been feeling burnt out and out of nowhere I just had a massive realisation re how extensive my mask it. It’s been really scary and overwhelming; I realise I’ve had a mask on for so long, and it’s exhausted me, but the task of taking it off and disentangling myself from it seems enormous. It seems like I’ve made a habit of running every single decision I make through some external mirror/standard... I want to take the mask off because I think it will help my mental and physical health, but I’m really scared. I don’t even know where to begin !
I have been masking for so long, always aware that I had to never let anyone know who I really am. I didn’t realise that I’m on the autism spectrum, which I think would have helped me a lot with the incredible degree of anxiety I always have around people . I love Leonard Cohen’s song, ‘my secret life’, because that’s how I felt I was living because of how I always masked my real self. Or Freddy Mercury singing ‘the great pretender’. Now as I’ve tried to change that and openly exist as the person I really am, I’m terrified. I ruminate over what I might have done or said that will have exposed me as strange and then feel that I’m failing at life, so I’ve come to think that the masking has gone on for so long that it’s what I’m good at and can actually feel more successful in that I coped well in whatever social situation that I was in. I’ve coped well in business etc. and who I am has become very personal and private as lots of people don’t know what to make of me and can be so rude about it. Might seem crazy, and I’m often really tired and need to recover after social occasions, but under the facade, I don’t have to care what people might make of me and prefer to laugh at it as I see lots of neurotypical behaviour as strange to me.
I’m feeling the same way. I don’t even know where to start really. I’m trying to start just trying to recognize my stims stop stoping myself from stimming. For example, the other day I was irritated that my sons therapy office turned on an ocean sounds track and I started to clench and release my fists. As soon as I noticed I was doing that, I made myself do it until I found the motion that felt right. Recently, I started remembering stims that I used to do, like rubbing my fingers together because the texture of my fingerprints rubbing together is good. I’ve also stated admitting to myself when something feels wrong, a bad texture for example. Turns out I don’t like to be wet, oddly I love swimming, but just part of me wet bothers me. So I let myself do the “icky feeling hand dance” as I call it when my hands are wet. I’ve also admitted to myself I actually like eating the same 3 things in a rotation for breakfast and hate the feeling of certain textures. All things I suppressed because “normal” people didn’t freak out if their clothing was itchy or their hands were wet and liked to try new things. It’s a start.
Masking is why most girls go under the radar, i learnt my posh dress sence from rachel from friends and how to dress, behave and just about everything else from tv and films! Now i learn everything from utube and Google! How funny is that , and yes, i check all my sorces. Oh, great vid by the way, yes to masking part 2
how much harder is that when youre a poor kid whose parents dont take care of you so you have NO access to clothing or food....how can you mask anything then? i spend my childhood just not making eye contact and keeping my head down, so to speak.
@@yogidevendrabiriyani1777 I wouldn’t know because my parents were upper middle class, but I totally see what you’re saying. I could just dress the part (btw I‘m a girl) and people assumed I was a sweet, shy girl. I still play the sweet, shy girl and I’m 25 now lol I can’t imagine if I didn’t have that option because I couldn’t afford the clothes I needed to mask as that character
@@yogidevendrabiriyani1777 I had mostly hand-me-down clothes and was not smart about fashion anyways. I think masking is a lot about copying behaviors and learning social scripts.
I totally relate to this! I always feel like life is a beautiful symphony and I'm just always off key, sometimes just a tad where people don't quite notice, but then sometimes it's a screeching off key, ear piercing, note and people freak out and reject me. 🙈 Masking is real and really hard....people always told me to be myself, but no one accepts the real me.
Absolutely. Society constantly says we should all be ourselves, but then judges the crap out of us when we do just that. So clearly when they say "be yourself" they really mean to "act like a neurotypical".
I was diagnosed almost a year ago, just before my 57th birthday, and I think I've been subconsciously "masking" practically all my life. But of course this "mask" would slip from time to time and I would be accussed of committing the social "mistake" here and there - which kept knocking my confidence.
You put my life into words, I love you videos they make me feel less alone. I'm convinced I have high functioning adult female autism that should of been diagnosed as a child instead of put in remedial classes, made to sit with the naughty kids so I could be a good influence as I didn't talk unless spoken to, and then the fewest words possible used to answer. As an adult my doctor has told me there's no where to refer me due to lack of funding. But you're teaching me all I need to know anyway and I'm seeing myself for the first time. Thank you 💚✌🏻👽
I am an adult male from India having asd.life can be so lonely and frustrating.currently I am struggling to find a job and even if I get one I am worried about the communication aspect of the job..I really think we people facing similar problems should be connected so that we can inspire each other and avoid the loneliness. My email id nayakjp4@gmail.Com
When I went to college to study theatre I really felt like I had found my tribe and I finally fit in. However to my new friends I was way out there and totally weird, even for a theatre kid. Luckily they liked this about me and I thrived. I did professional theatre for a span of 30 years. I actually out grew the theatre world and I have moved my focus to music. It's odd to not have that sense of community, because it's where I feel at home and accepted, but I love music and I realize it's my calling in life. I just hope I can find the same kind of soul tribe in a musical sense. I still plan to do comedy, though. This time on film. I love making people laugh.
Something that stood out to me looking back at my childhood, I was very keen on mimicking characters on tv. I remember saying stuff to my school friends and thinking "yes!! Just like that girl on tv!" I already mentioned this on your boys vs girls video; I often copy characters. A lot. Especially if they are somehow autistic or autistic-coded (I mimicked Sherlock a LOT, Will from Hannibal,...including accents (I am neither British nor American.) and body language.) I also remember mimicking the way Barbie moved in Barbie movies until I see myself on video or pictures and realised it looks fake and stiff.
I think this imitation is something that a lot of autistic women can relate to. This is partly why I love doing what I do, those 'me too' moments are so precious.
When I asked for a referral for a therapist that specializes in adult autism, my family doctor told me yesterday that I don't at all seem autistic because I'm not like his nephew and I make eye contact and participate in a conversation without spinning in circles. Sigh. I wanted to explain that A). he's a family doctor, not a mental health expert, B). I'm a girl, not a boy, and females on the spectrum have been shown to present more like neurotypical males a lot of the time, C). I've learned through years of family training to make eye contact even though it's painful and incredibly distracting, and D). not everyone spins around in circles as a form of stimming, and I had in fact been stimming during the entire conversation by scraping off my old fingernail polish as a way to keep my fingers busy. LOL. I opted not to point all that out just to expedite the whole conversation.
Wow I think I'm autistic . I thought I was just shy or had a natural personality that I had to fight to have friends. I felt exactly as you do and did what you did I thought that's what you had to do that all shy people have to, but everyone laughs when I said I'm just shy. Thankyou for this video.
By the sound of some of the research I've been doing masking for a long time and things at high school were really bad too for me and I'm a guy but I always feel like I'm being fake unless I'm alone.
Exactly my world!!! I shared your video to my FB as a way to educate. I was recently just diagnosed at the age of 43 and my world finally makes sense!!! Now who the heck am I really???? =) It's a start to a new journey!
Freehandly Made I suspect being on the spectrum and am struggling too. I've developed so many masking and compensatory behaviours...I don't know who I am anymore or what comes naturally to me....I've been exploring it and have noticed exhaustion and anxiety are alleviated when I am myself, but that certainly doesn't conform into what is expected or even needed of me...
The constant inner struggle Between the authentic me and masking made me into a ball of mess. Sometime ago doctors diagnosed me as having bordeline personality traits but I didnt feel fit in when i intereacted with that community. I have just only to get to know myself. I relate to you so much. Videos like yours are important and I'm inspired to do so but I am not officially diagnosed. I live in Malaysia and there's a lot of stigma and ignorance regarding autism spectrum.
I believe that i might have high functioning autism so I’ve been doing a lot of research while I wait for an appointment with a specialist. Some things about masking have confused me during this research. I strongly think that I have been masking most of my life, but I don’t remember doing it as a conscious “I better do that because their cool” very often (maybe I just have a bad memory that’s very likely) but most of it seems to just be on accident or natural. If I really like the way a person it I often mold myself to the way they act as well, but I don’t mean to all the time. Then if I catch myself copying I’ll rationalize it. Does that make sense? Is that common?
Yes I think that masking is hiding your instinctive behaviour with something that feels more socially acceptable, or in your case 'cool'. Which is teen speak for socially acceptable.
I wanted to ask that, too. I'm 52 and have an assessment next week. I think I've been subconsciously masking all my life. I've always annoyed myself, by being a different person with everyone I speak to. Hope I get the diagnosis, because it will really explain my life of mistakes. Cheers, and cheers Ella if you read this.
I had similar issues in secondary school. When I observed some children being really shy and therefore left alone by bullies for the most part, I decided that I was gonna be shy as well and I gave myself an entirely new personality. It worked, people bought it and I stuck to the same 2-3 friends until I graduated and got the hell out of there.
You described my childhood and life SO accurately. It's actually uncanny how similar! I remember buying all the colors of this pair of shorts my friend had! And of course it backfired and she made fun of me for copying her. I ALSO gave up with the popular girls and went to the fringe side, same: drama club and I was in rhythmic gymnastics so when you said circus group NO WAY! many of us go on to cirque du soliel. lol Then I went to Art university and same...I FINALLY felt I 'fit in' BUT still had to have my own events and invite people, and I got invited to others but STILL felt like something was missing. Always fitting in never belonging. Then I had kids and same, got really good at small talk etc and made friends but all the classic issues of suddenly ending friendships or insulting someone by mistake...just still can't keep friendships for long. I remember asking a friend 'do you change depending on the situation?' and she said yes I guess maybe. I explained that I feel like a chameleon...but was also careful with my words cause I didn't want to admit that I was 'fake' cause I didn't feel fake, I don't lie...I just pull out whatever info or part of me that matches with who I'm talking to and can connect with anyone. So NOW that I'm realizing I'm autistic (prolly, seeking diagnosis) I FINALLY feel like I belong to this group of people! But they are online...not in my 'real' life...and I kind of just want to be alone anyways, I don't feel I'm masking too much, like I notice I hold my arms the way I want even in public, like t rex style, and walk around with my tongue out. I just don't care. I think I had a massive burnout and a life changing reiki session where my ansestors literally held my hands and told me to do what I wanted with them. So yeah for sure I must still mask, but I don't feel the same as I used to where I used to care what people think. I feel like I'm re born. We'll see what the future holds. I'm excited for a diagnosis now so I can understand myself better and explain it to others and accomodate myself more and more. Thanks for your videos they're SOOO comforting and helpful.
I experienced something similar, finally found a group of people I clicked with and that liked me but I just couldnt connect with them. They wouldn't exclude me or anything and I think I'm generally liked as an acquaintance but theres a wall between myself and the cliques that formed in this umbrella group. I dont feel like I can meaningfully get along with them really, like socially my brain just cant connect like that.
I was diagnosed with autism at age 64, but as an undiagnosed high schooler, I became involved in the backstage theatre crews of our high school musical performances. The kids on these crews were accepting and I loved the repetitive activities of setting up the stage for the night's run and changing the scenery quickly and exactly the same each night. Later, I took acting classes, (required courses as part of my technical theatre curriculum in college) and I think I was attracted to the repetitive nature of acting in scenes. It was also the perfect environment in which to learn how to broaden my range of emotional expression and so I started 'acting', or masking behaviors, which were useful in social situations, but not felt as emotions inside. This experience helped me to at least 'act normal', but I have since realized that this was the reason that I was only diagnosed much later in life. I am only now considering ways to drop the masking and approaching social situations in a more natural way.
what do you think about masking in the context of work? I think the workplace is the most intense masking environment, especially at CV/interview stage.
Your story totally brought me back to my childhood and my teenage years. I relate to you and your story so very much. I just want to thank you so much for sharing your story it helps me feel so much better and to know I’m not alone.
i like your videos. i am trying to find more videos on what not masking looks like. what to expect if someone is just their true self so we (possibly) nt's arent making people on the ads feel weird on accident.
I am heavily masking. I know there is a point where is is not healthy but I am having a hard time knowing when and how to "let it go" or if I even should at all. Thank you for sharing.
Please do continue! My son in in a long-term relation with a young lady who believes she is autistic . I have been trying to learn what I can to be open to her being. I appreciate your sharing so much! Thank you and bless you!
I tend to mask at work, and it isn't beneficial to me at all as it always makes me feel mentally exhausted. At least I have met a man who tells me I don't need to mask; it will just take some getting use to as I have masked pretty much all my life since the diagnosis at the age of four. But it is nice that I can be myself without judgement from people :)
Thank you for sharing your story, it is very important for me to hear all this. Do you have any advice on how to stop masking? I’ve been masking for 35 years and I feel like I don’t even know what’s left without all the different masks for different groups of people around me
I realized early on. That art was the way to go I could b. A bit wierd. Work on my own ! And my art got the attention not me Do I suppose that was / is my mask Great video ! ☺️💜thnku
I have huge difficulties looking people in the eyes. It is intensely distressing to me. When talking to people I very much prefer not to watch the person I converse with at all. But... You'd never know, never notice that. Masking? Desperately, ever since toddlerhood. Nearly always failing miserably at it. Humans... Just don't get me.
I've always felt like I could fit in, but not belong. I'm in a PhD physics program where Autism is rampant, so I am less unusual than all other points of life. Still I look the most nuerotypical, yet I think Autism affects me the most.
Hi!! You’re really cheerful I love you so much! I didn’t know much about masking or anything like that I really thought you had to learn from other people and always copy and like keep like a mental journal of how to act I didn’t know girl you blew my mind!!! Thank you so much I really had no idea it’s masks and stuff thank you again I love you!
I'm having trouble to make friends. I can't understand social cues and norms. I've lost so many friends due to misunderstanding that to this day, i don't understand it myself
Sending love. I don't know how old you are, but I found it really difficult in school to make and keep friends, and outside of school too. I was 24 when I made a friend completely of my own volition and have had several since but I've found meeting other neurodiverse people to be way more satisfying because theyvdont expect or require me to know the "rules" and are more straight forward. My suggestion is to join groups you can do what you enjoy. Be open about your experiences and your knowledge but cognizant of allowing others to express themselves. Join online groups too. If youre not in an independent position temporary alternatives like internet friends and animals are totally okay. I baby sit and walk y neighbour's dog for times when I can't cope with people. I'm part of a choir of disabled and nondisabled people (with one voice, we stream every wednesday) and I go on foraging walks and to punk gigs where i have people i know n the spectrum and can just spend the night standing next to each other without having to force conversation. This pprobably too long. I guess me biggest message would be, be patient, and put in some work. It can take a couple of tries but when you find your people it's pretty good.
I can totally relate to this because I only approximate normal behaviour. It's not dissimilar from how normal people learn to socialise, except instead of it happening organically, with masking it is to a degree dysfunctional, as it's not based on an authentic experience: I seem mostly to be doing the right things, it's just that there's something a little, "off" - a bit like banana-flavoured milk: it says banana on the label, but it doesn't quite taste like the real thing. In a sense, this approximated range of behaviours is quite a feat of engineering; and in of itself, like it's brother - authentic, 'normal' behaviour - stands testament to the ingenuity of the human being; so whether you're normal or artificially masking, it's still amazing.
All the times I was carted around by school intervention attempts because of being alone and how I felt like an alien even among communities (fitting my interests) which advertise themselves as different are painfully resonant.
Part 2 definitely! Im battling with trying to get the right balance with masking and being myself without exhausting myself at the moment. Your video is very helpful! :)
Yes I would love a masking part 2 I recently subscribed to you I think your amazing I was diagnosed with Autism at age 25 and I make Autism videos on my channel
Thank you for this video. My 13 year old daughter has just been diagnosed and it is lovely to feel that we can understand her better by understanding how masking feels to an automatic person. Thank you I will be watching more of your videos.
Definitely I'd love to see a Masking video Part 2 Ella. Have you seen a TH-cam channel by the name of Becoming Autism ? She is a young woman from Wales who works as a teacher in a special needs school, she was diagnosed with autism a couple of years ago. Her videos are very informative, especially her videos on Autism in girls, Sensory toy reviews, Autism and relationships. I'd highly recommend subscribing to her channel. 👍👍
Really great video, and though we are not as adept, boys do it too! Masking in a new environment is exhausting and can leave you feeling empty, but I find repeated masking in the same company builds my own confidence, and so becomes more natural. I always worried I was "being fake" but, with time, I made friends via masking and felt more comfortable and confident around them.
I'm a guy, diagnosed with ADHD and austics traits (I do think it's more than traits, but hey, I'm not a MD), and I've been masking my whole life, especially through adolescence and young adults years. I kind of said 'Fuck it' when hitting 22-23 and just became a hermit because I didn't have the stamina anymore, but after the diagnosis I tend to understand my feelings of alienation. I even remember trying to explain my reasoning behind 'chaning my personality' when hanging out with different friends to the MD and they didn't grasp it at all - 'We all do it' was the answer, sure buddy. Reading up on their favorite interests before hanging out seems so normal for a teenager.
I'm not a girl, but I completely relate to your history of masking. From gravitating to the cool kids in school to developing complex strategies in adulthood. And the older I am, the greater toll it takes on my mental and physical health. I've recently been to assessment and they told me that by test results I would easily fit on the spectrum, but during the interview I had not "displayed" as autistic, so they're not sure yet. At this age, it's very difficult for me to turn off masking on demand and I'm afraid they won't understand and my assessment will fail.
I never did this because I am not as socially motivated as other autistic girls and women. I was diagnosed with Asperger's in 1994 when I was six years old.
When I was a kid, I always tried to emulate the adults I saw on TV, because I thought they were kind of glamorous and that the other kids were annoying and ridiculous. As a result, I sometimes replaced inappropriate behaviors with other inappropriate behaviors, because it's not normal for a 6-year-old girl to try to act like a 30-year-old.
I was never in the loop....always bullied....still am my lifes half over....still treated badly by people....I guess they dont see me correctly....they say I'm eccentric....
Ok so I could relate to every word she was saying… I kinda stumbled on this video on accident and now I’m not really sure what to do, but it does explain why I’m good at a lot of voice impressions come to think of it. But I don’t know how I should handle this now. Should I see a doctor
are you good at math? I feel like there is a stereotype that says that all high functioning autistics are good at math. I think I have a lot of symptoms, but I am not good at math or staying organized. I am going for ADHD evaluation on the 8th of September as I believe I have it , and so does my councelor
Utopia is not realistic for being true to oneself. "To thine one self be true..." Shakespeare writes in Hamlet. Cannot imagine the great burden of attempting to be someone else. It is, in my experience, and waste of our most precious gift of life.
My brother is 17 months younger than me and high-functioning autistic. The first video i watched of yours was you and your children explaining your perspectives on the male and female autistic differences. And it confirmed it for me. Every so many years i have had the brief thought that i am autistic. But i didnt have the same symptoms as my brother...no i couldn't be. All of this is very hard for me. I cry so much every time i watch your videos. Everything i am is finally being explained to me. Ive been searching whats wrong with me for so long and even now idk what my psychologist is going to confirm. But to me it's all so prevalent, that im a very high-functioning autistic person.
I'm so glad to be able to play a part in you learning more about yourself. Knowledge is power x
Hi Ella As a Dyspraxic, I had a similar childhood. So if girls and women are "masking" their autism, there must be an awful lot of them who are undiagnosed or misdiagnosed. I ❤️ your channel. 👍👍
Living in an abusive home, I became hypersensitive and masked my emotions so that I would not be physically hit or verbally assaulted. I did this for so long I forgot that I was a person underneath the face I was using to survive while growing up in my home and avoided everyone. For me, letting go of my mask was a long and arduous process that felt impossible and neverending. I had to reconnect with my true feelings instead of pinging off of others to get by. I did not understand why I was different, but I knew I was not getting something that most others did with no effort. It was like walking alone through a dessert blinded and in a haze trying to piece together the remnants of whatever it is you are. I am not autistic, but I know the problem of masking all too well. It was very deep-rooted for me and I was wound up tight in it If you are currently in a similar state, you must be patient and content with every bit of progress you make no matter how insignificant it might seem in the moment. The little bits add up.
This was exactly my experience. I got to the point where I didn't know who I was anymore.
I'm having similar experience. the dysfynctionality in my home might not have been that severe, but ever since I can remember I've always felt like I don't know what/who I am and how to define myself. I have serious problems with masking and the chameleon thing. I've been bingeing asperger/autism videos/info for a week now, trying to determine if I'm actually on the spectrum or due to traumatic childhood experiences I just got lost in the many masks I tried to wear around people
OMGOMGOMGOMG YES ME TOO!! Burt you now what I did though? I went to the other extreme and rebelled at least inside and held SO closely and fiercely to my identity that i never felt that way..I closed up tight and held everything inside..as a teen i wrote a poem about being "folded into planes like an origami animal" In the mix i had sacrificed most of my social skill development...but I kept my SOUL...i can come off sometimes like an asshole....i troll a lot...but im not autistic..just adhd..I do very much identify with the feeling of having to work SO hard to survive and still never getting ANYTHING you need back emotionally, while watching everyone else act like a jerk and skating by lazily and being given everything- that's what it IS at its core and it's absolutely brutal, and not something that humans evolved to withstand as we are social creatures...if you understand anthropology at all.. Im so sorry for your story.
i also masked a lot playing "the pretty blond princess" so that I could make my family seem like it was okay- beacuse i spent my entire childhood TERRIFIED that CPS would come and find out how bad it really was, and take my brothers away, put them with abusers who would sexually abuse them or do worse than our own parents did.
Childhood abuse/neglect actually mimicks the symptoms of ND very well, we cant fit in with spoiled brats when we are left alone to suffer in pain day after day after day with no one to protect us and instead, only blame us.
My mask never comes off, not even on my own. My autism becomes visible when the mask starts to crack under pressure. That is generally when people say that didn't think I was 'like' that. When a PIP tribunal judge asked me what it's like when my mask comes off.... Like what? I had no idea what to say, my mind went blank.
You should ask them the same question
We ALL wear masks. Society has placed an illusion of normalcy when it doesn't exist.
Do you understand it more now? I also try to understand how I mask but honestly I only realize that my facial expressions change around people I know because normally I dont really have any facial expression or I seem angry all the time. Apart from that I dont really know what is masking and what is me really
Definitely masking part 2.
EXTREMELY RELATABLE
Yes to masking part 2. I feel like I took my mask off all the way just to see myself as I am now that I know I am on the spectrum. Uncultured and unmasked its been liberating but the fact is I can't get away with it all the time. I don't want to be offensive or a bad example so I now I'm thinking I need some mid-grade mask that keeps me out of trouble yet allows me to be authentic.
RedRock Asrama exactly, I think non autistic people do this, change their behaviour to suit the situation, and it can be helpful in certain situations to be able to do this.
I always knew that I was different. I equate this to my being an apple tree in the middle of an orange grove. True they are both fruit, but fundamentally are different types. In primary school, I was called names, not picked for sports teams etc., it hurt but I didn’t really understand. In Secondary school, I was really bullied by other students, often physically. I knew I stood out, but didn’t ever really know why or what to do. Until I really started watching the other students and kind of lurking at the edges and listening to their conversations to see what they talked about. Then the differences became very obvious. Girl we’re all about teen celebrities, popular music ( I loved classical music and ballet). Then I bought all the teen magazines, read them cover to cover, memorized All the facts about singers and actors. I still didn’t really fit in and was still bullied, until I got sick of it and started fighting back. Finally, they stopped physically picking on me, but I got in trouble in school for fighting. Teachers and school administrators knew what was happening but did f... all about it. As an adult, I have become Very proficient at appearing normal at work or in the community and only am myself at home.
Thank you. I have always felt odd and i have tried mimic others so often. With 13 i decided to only wear black since i was beeing bullied and “not normal“ anyway and since then i started beeing Goth, but even in the scene i felt odd and strange and not welcome (i'm still goth tho xD). I kept on mimic ppl and was shy and wouldn't talk to strangers until i was 16 and started to serve in a pub (legal in germany),attempting to overcome my “shyness“. It helped but not much. Then a few years ago i thought “F*CK IT! I'm odd and that's okay.“ and by accepting that i got incredibly confident in my person and began to stand up against bullys, sexism, racism, discrimination and unfairness when i see it. I had today a councelling and i'm so good at masking the counceller wouldn't have noticed if i hadn't told her of my struggles and i my partner wasn't there to confirm (especially problems with reading faces and empathy...). These vids help so much. I hope this fundamental and essential knowledge will find its way into the practical work with autistic persons.
When i was a teenager i loved painting lord of the rings warhammer models. I struggle with social interactions and i found it hard to talk to people about anything other than my hobby. I started finding people were openly rude to me about my interests so i lost interest in it and put all my models in a box under my bed. The kids in my area were starting to play instruments and starting a band so i starting learning the guitar to fit in. I didnt actually even like music if im honest but i begin playing guitar obsessively and really started liking nirvana, green day and foo fighters (because i could actually play their songs). I grew my hair out and i found that because i had long blonde hair and carried a guitar around people would talk to me when i had always been shunned by my peers before. I would find people i had never met knew who i was and would come and speak to me. I always secretly pined for my old hobby of painting models but was too embarrassed to start painting again. This year, after struggling more than ever with my mental health i finally decided i would start my old hobby again. Since ive dropped this guitar playing rocker mask and trying to rediscover my true inner self for the first time in 15 years ive found masking and social interactions harder and harder, to the point every day at work is an unbearable hurdle to over come. Is it possible to forget how to mask or is this severe burnout im facing?
I've been masking for so long I don't even know who I am anymore. I have no authenticity. I have no. identity. Who I am is a fraud. How am I supposed to carry on with my life like that?
@Fatima Mustapha mala how old is your son Fatima?
I did not even realise I was masking until I watched Prof Tony Attowoods lecture 'Girls and Aspergers' and as I went tick tick tick the pennies started dropping and I realised he was describing my childhood, life and experience which I could not make sense of or put into words. All I know was life was a long struggle on a exquisite and intricate planet that did not make sense to me.........and I'd spent a fortune on therapy! I was 61 at the time........ I discussed things with my gp and have been referred for assesment but that's all been put on hold because of covid............. so it's not even over yet....................... but it's good finding the final piece of the puzzle but I do want it confirmed.
I relate you you so much I remember coping popular tv characters to get liked I have fully mastered masking But its exhausting and this can cause me to break down this has happened to me in school and college and it caused to get bullied I haven't been diagnosed yetvim waiting for my assessment thank you for sharing you're existences
Thank you for this! Yes masking part 2!
Part 2! Love u ella 💜 ur Videos are so helpful I think you've helped me more than any doctor has still waiting on the waiting list hate thate that because I don't even know when it will be and I am very persistent on dates
I'm so very grateful to have found your channel & community.
It's like exhaling to hear stories & experiences I can relate to.
Thank you
Sending love from Oregon
thank you, that helps me understand masking so much better
Would loving masking part 2 ! 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼🥺
I am always just... off to the left and a step behind everyone else. Somewhere in my late twenties/early thirties I got better at masking. I chose a carrier where I deal with the public all day🤦♀️, believe me, masking is a matter of professional survival. It's exhausting.
I mask socially because I don't like being lonely and I people don't like spending a lot of time with me when I don't. I mask less with my good friends. I feel like its exhausting to be masked all the time, but it's exhausting for neurotypicals to be around an unmasked me.
My masks and strategies have got better over time. It helps that I really do find other people fascinating and don't mind letting them talk about their lives if it means I don't have to speak as much.😉
I mask to a degree for survival, but it's not worth it to use to much energy on it.
Try to avoid groups and people with too much energy. Conserve energy in group-situations by adopting a shy/conserved personality with them. It'll prevent you from engaging with difficult social situations while masking with a group.
It was only recently that I knew I was different. When I was with my friends, I did not know that I was different. I thought it was because of my accent. Some times I am good at masking my autistic symptoms and other times I am very poor. It depends on my physical or mental health. I only subconsciously copy others as I used to have a Geordie/Northumbrian accent but somehow I have lost it and now have a new posh accent.
I can definitely identify with that. My accent changes depending on who I'm with. Thanks for commenting.
It is a subconscious thing I do. I would love to have my old accent back. I think that the only time I am able to speak in my Northumbrian accent will be fellow Northumbrians. Please can you do another video about masking. Thank you.
Will do, definitely.
OMG!! Thank you so much PurpleElla for this video as I have masked my autism for majority of my life!! And…it can be very exhausting for me…^_^ I tried back in school way too hard to hide everything from sensory issues and any autistic issues…to which whenever I came home from school, my parents labeled me as a “tornado”… I know your autistic struggles as I’m 36 years old and also mask out during work hours and in public too!!^_^
omg youre so sweet and your story is sad.. felt the same way too ...a bit...
men want friends too, just easy to give up trying when no one reciprocates
Do you know if autistic people are more likely to fall prey to narcissists? Can a narcissist also be neuro divergent? I might be in an abuse relationship right now and not realize it. He's very kind and attentive, but my mental health has declined since being with him. I feel so confused.
excellent
Also, the "Fragrance for autism"website No longer exist. Do you have any other resources?
I need more masking videos
I've run into a couple of videos of autism in women so I want to know more. I'm wondering, how is it that you know that you're masking? Is masking something that only pertains to autism?
Men also mask to an extent
Now I know
hug i feel just like u
I’m 60, and fed up masking...don’t feel I should have too anymore so I don’t. It’s exhausting so I’m just myself now..if you don’t like it tough. I’ve played the game long enough.
I'm 43 and this is EXACTLY how I feel! Why arent more people angry about having to mask?
@@McGetums no one told you too
@@ilyspacey6770 LITERALLY the whole world(even Aspies) tell me to
@@McGetums I understand but if you can learn to ignore and accept yourself than it doesn’t matter
@@ilyspacey6770just understand thats a lonely road. You dont think I've lived 43 year and never came to that conclusion do you?
I often pick up and start mimicking someones accent that im speaking with, it can be quite embarrassing as some people can take offence. Fortunately, the last lovely scots gent i mimicked, was at a wedding and he was drunk and just laughted. As I've moved around the country, I've picked up other accents.
Victoria Myatt yes it can be embarrassing, though I did enjoy my northern accent when I studied up north lol.
Victoria Myatt - I always do this too (I.e if someone has a 'posh' or 'cockney voice'). I don't even realise I have adjusted myself until later when I rerun conversations through my head from the day. Would be interested to see how many other ladies do this!
I do this too!
Wow.. I have done this for some time.. Always thought it was I moved around a lot. Starting to see more to it now along with much of my other traits. I only become aware of it when people ask me suddenly ..where are you from.
Thank u for you comment. Thank you also Purple for your video.
I've done this and I find the Scottish accents for some reason are the easiest to pick up.
I was diagnosed a few years ago, but I didn’t notice how much I masked until literally a couple of days ago. I’ve been feeling burnt out and out of nowhere I just had a massive realisation re how extensive my mask it. It’s been really scary and overwhelming; I realise I’ve had a mask on for so long, and it’s exhausted me, but the task of taking it off and disentangling myself from it seems enormous. It seems like I’ve made a habit of running every single decision I make through some external mirror/standard... I want to take the mask off because I think it will help my mental and physical health, but I’m really scared. I don’t even know where to begin !
I feel like I wrote this!
I have been masking for so long, always aware that I had to never let anyone know who I really am. I didn’t realise that I’m on the autism spectrum, which I think would have helped me a lot with the incredible degree of anxiety I always have around people . I love Leonard Cohen’s song, ‘my secret life’, because that’s how I felt I was living because of how I always masked my real self. Or Freddy Mercury singing ‘the great pretender’. Now as I’ve tried to change that and openly exist as the person I really am, I’m terrified. I ruminate over what I might have done or said that will have exposed me as strange and then feel that I’m failing at life, so I’ve come to think that the masking has gone on for so long that it’s what I’m good at and can actually feel more successful in that I coped well in whatever social situation that I was in. I’ve coped well in business etc. and who I am has become very personal and private as lots of people don’t know what to make of me and can be so rude about it. Might seem crazy, and I’m often really tired and need to recover after social occasions, but under the facade, I don’t have to care what people might make of me and prefer to laugh at it as I see lots of neurotypical behaviour as strange to me.
I’m feeling the same way. I don’t even know where to start really. I’m trying to start just trying to recognize my stims stop stoping myself from stimming. For example, the other day I was irritated that my sons therapy office turned on an ocean sounds track and I started to clench and release my fists. As soon as I noticed I was doing that, I made myself do it until I found the motion that felt right. Recently, I started remembering stims that I used to do, like rubbing my fingers together because the texture of my fingerprints rubbing together is good. I’ve also stated admitting to myself when something feels wrong, a bad texture for example. Turns out I don’t like to be wet, oddly I love swimming, but just part of me wet bothers me. So I let myself do the “icky feeling hand dance” as I call it when my hands are wet. I’ve also admitted to myself I actually like eating the same 3 things in a rotation for breakfast and hate the feeling of certain textures. All things I suppressed because “normal” people didn’t freak out if their clothing was itchy or their hands were wet and liked to try new things.
It’s a start.
Ahh yes, being too weird for even the weird people! I can't stop masking.. I try but it's so hard. Life is exhausting.
Yes i feel you 😢
Yes. Life is difficult.
Masking is why most girls go under the radar, i learnt my posh dress sence from rachel from friends and how to dress, behave and just about everything else from tv and films! Now i learn everything from utube and Google! How funny is that , and yes, i check all my sorces. Oh, great vid by the way, yes to masking part 2
how much harder is that when youre a poor kid whose parents dont take care of you so you have NO access to clothing or food....how can you mask anything then? i spend my childhood just not making eye contact and keeping my head down, so to speak.
Sis how did you summarise my personality in a single comment 😭😂😭😂😭😂
@@yogidevendrabiriyani1777 I wouldn’t know because my parents were upper middle class, but I totally see what you’re saying. I could just dress the part (btw I‘m a girl) and people assumed I was a sweet, shy girl. I still play the sweet, shy girl and I’m 25 now lol I can’t imagine if I didn’t have that option because I couldn’t afford the clothes I needed to mask as that character
@@yogidevendrabiriyani1777 I had mostly hand-me-down clothes and was not smart about fashion anyways. I think masking is a lot about copying behaviors and learning social scripts.
I totally relate to this! I always feel like life is a beautiful symphony and I'm just always off key, sometimes just a tad where people don't quite notice, but then sometimes it's a screeching off key, ear piercing, note and people freak out and reject me. 🙈 Masking is real and really hard....people always told me to be myself, but no one accepts the real me.
this is exactly how I perceive myself
Absolutely. Society constantly says we should all be ourselves, but then judges the crap out of us when we do just that. So clearly when they say "be yourself" they really mean to "act like a neurotypical".
Yes. Slightly off.
@@melissad8824 You can be an individual (caveat: as long as you're like our type of individual)
i feel like LIFE is a beautiful symphony, but that PEOPLE are a symphony of destruction I want nothing to do with :P
I was diagnosed almost a year ago, just before my 57th birthday, and I think I've been subconsciously "masking" practically all my life. But of course this "mask" would slip from time to time and I would be accussed of committing the social "mistake" here and there - which kept knocking my confidence.
You put my life into words, I love you videos they make me feel less alone. I'm convinced I have high functioning adult female autism that should of been diagnosed as a child instead of put in remedial classes, made to sit with the naughty kids so I could be a good influence as I didn't talk unless spoken to, and then the fewest words possible used to answer. As an adult my doctor has told me there's no where to refer me due to lack of funding. But you're teaching me all I need to know anyway and I'm seeing myself for the first time. Thank you 💚✌🏻👽
I am an adult male from India having asd.life can be so lonely and frustrating.currently I am struggling to find a job and even if I get one I am worried about the communication aspect of the job..I really think we people facing similar problems should be connected so that we can inspire each other and avoid the loneliness. My email id nayakjp4@gmail.Com
When I went to college to study theatre I really felt like I had found my tribe and I finally fit in. However to my new friends I was way out there and totally weird, even for a theatre kid. Luckily they liked this about me and I thrived. I did professional theatre for a span of 30 years. I actually out grew the theatre world and I have moved my focus to music. It's odd to not have that sense of community, because it's where I feel at home and accepted, but I love music and I realize it's my calling in life. I just hope I can find the same kind of soul tribe in a musical sense. I still plan to do comedy, though. This time on film. I love making people laugh.
Something that stood out to me looking back at my childhood, I was very keen on mimicking characters on tv. I remember saying stuff to my school friends and thinking "yes!! Just like that girl on tv!"
I already mentioned this on your boys vs girls video; I often copy characters. A lot. Especially if they are somehow autistic or autistic-coded (I mimicked Sherlock a LOT, Will from Hannibal,...including accents (I am neither British nor American.) and body language.) I also remember mimicking the way Barbie moved in Barbie movies until I see myself on video or pictures and realised it looks fake and stiff.
I think this imitation is something that a lot of autistic women can relate to. This is partly why I love doing what I do, those 'me too' moments are so precious.
i would love a masking part 2! this is one of my favorite videos of yours.... such amazing insight
Brilliant, thank you, will do.
me too
Me too
Me too
Masking is being chameleon like and that is why i think they thought i was borderline !
I have Autism & I use to mask, people didn't think I had autism so it's not a good thing to do because I only got diagnosed 2 years ago 😐
When I asked for a referral for a therapist that specializes in adult autism, my family doctor told me yesterday that I don't at all seem autistic because I'm not like his nephew and I make eye contact and participate in a conversation without spinning in circles. Sigh. I wanted to explain that A). he's a family doctor, not a mental health expert, B). I'm a girl, not a boy, and females on the spectrum have been shown to present more like neurotypical males a lot of the time, C). I've learned through years of family training to make eye contact even though it's painful and incredibly distracting, and D). not everyone spins around in circles as a form of stimming, and I had in fact been stimming during the entire conversation by scraping off my old fingernail polish as a way to keep my fingers busy. LOL. I opted not to point all that out just to expedite the whole conversation.
Wow I think I'm autistic . I thought I was just shy or had a natural personality that I had to fight to have friends. I felt exactly as you do and did what you did I thought that's what you had to do that all shy people have to, but everyone laughs when I said I'm just shy. Thankyou for this video.
By the sound of some of the research I've been doing masking for a long time and things at high school were really bad too for me and I'm a guy but I always feel like I'm being fake unless I'm alone.
Guys can mask too!
I can't thank you enough.
I can finally find some freedom in my mind.
I can forgive others for treating me like that.
Exactly my world!!! I shared your video to my FB as a way to educate. I was recently just diagnosed at the age of 43 and my world finally makes sense!!! Now who the heck am I really???? =) It's a start to a new journey!
Freehandly Made I suspect being on the spectrum and am struggling too. I've developed so many masking and compensatory behaviours...I don't know who I am anymore or what comes naturally to me....I've been exploring it and have noticed exhaustion and anxiety are alleviated when I am myself, but that certainly doesn't conform into what is expected or even needed of me...
Congradulations and good luck! 😊
Ditto. I'm forty six.
I’ve been masking my entire life and now im trying to remove the mask to see who’s underneath, but i cant, and i don’t know why.
Your videos could never be too long. The time flew by during your explanation.
Masking is so tiring and are not usually that helpful like I try but it’s so much hard work and would send me into meltdown often
The constant inner struggle Between the authentic me and masking made me into a ball of mess. Sometime ago doctors diagnosed me as having bordeline personality traits but I didnt feel fit in when i intereacted with that community. I have just only to get to know myself. I relate to you so much. Videos like yours are important and I'm inspired to do so but I am not officially diagnosed. I live in Malaysia and there's a lot of stigma and ignorance regarding autism spectrum.
I believe that i might have high functioning autism so I’ve been doing a lot of research while I wait for an appointment with a specialist. Some things about masking have confused me during this research. I strongly think that I have been masking most of my life, but I don’t remember doing it as a conscious “I better do that because their cool” very often (maybe I just have a bad memory that’s very likely) but most of it seems to just be on accident or natural. If I really like the way a person it I often mold myself to the way they act as well, but I don’t mean to all the time. Then if I catch myself copying I’ll rationalize it. Does that make sense? Is that common?
Yes I think that masking is hiding your instinctive behaviour with something that feels more socially acceptable, or in your case 'cool'. Which is teen speak for socially acceptable.
I wanted to ask that, too.
I'm 52 and have an assessment next week.
I think I've been subconsciously masking all my life.
I've always annoyed myself, by being a different person with everyone I speak to.
Hope I get the diagnosis, because it will really explain my life of mistakes.
Cheers, and cheers Ella if you read this.
I had similar issues in secondary school. When I observed some children being really shy and therefore left alone by bullies for the most part, I decided that I was gonna be shy as well and I gave myself an entirely new personality. It worked, people bought it and I stuck to the same 2-3 friends until I graduated and got the hell out of there.
You described my childhood and life SO accurately. It's actually uncanny how similar! I remember buying all the colors of this pair of shorts my friend had! And of course it backfired and she made fun of me for copying her. I ALSO gave up with the popular girls and went to the fringe side, same: drama club and I was in rhythmic gymnastics so when you said circus group NO WAY! many of us go on to cirque du soliel. lol Then I went to Art university and same...I FINALLY felt I 'fit in' BUT still had to have my own events and invite people, and I got invited to others but STILL felt like something was missing. Always fitting in never belonging. Then I had kids and same, got really good at small talk etc and made friends but all the classic issues of suddenly ending friendships or insulting someone by mistake...just still can't keep friendships for long. I remember asking a friend 'do you change depending on the situation?' and she said yes I guess maybe. I explained that I feel like a chameleon...but was also careful with my words cause I didn't want to admit that I was 'fake' cause I didn't feel fake, I don't lie...I just pull out whatever info or part of me that matches with who I'm talking to and can connect with anyone. So NOW that I'm realizing I'm autistic (prolly, seeking diagnosis) I FINALLY feel like I belong to this group of people! But they are online...not in my 'real' life...and I kind of just want to be alone anyways, I don't feel I'm masking too much, like I notice I hold my arms the way I want even in public, like t rex style, and walk around with my tongue out. I just don't care. I think I had a massive burnout and a life changing reiki session where my ansestors literally held my hands and told me to do what I wanted with them. So yeah for sure I must still mask, but I don't feel the same as I used to where I used to care what people think. I feel like I'm re born. We'll see what the future holds. I'm excited for a diagnosis now so I can understand myself better and explain it to others and accomodate myself more and more. Thanks for your videos they're SOOO comforting and helpful.
why bother with the bad-people NTs and fitting in there when you could just... FIT IN WITH *YOUR* PEOPLE, who are better anyway!!????
I experienced something similar, finally found a group of people I clicked with and that liked me but I just couldnt connect with them. They wouldn't exclude me or anything and I think I'm generally liked as an acquaintance but theres a wall between myself and the cliques that formed in this umbrella group. I dont feel like I can meaningfully get along with them really, like socially my brain just cant connect like that.
I was diagnosed with autism at age 64, but as an undiagnosed high schooler, I became involved in the backstage theatre crews of our high school musical performances. The kids on these crews were accepting and I loved the repetitive activities of setting up the stage for the night's run and changing the scenery quickly and exactly the same each night.
Later, I took acting classes, (required courses as part of my technical theatre curriculum in college) and I think I was attracted to the repetitive nature of acting in scenes. It was also the perfect environment in which to learn how to broaden my range of emotional expression and so I started 'acting', or masking behaviors, which were useful in social situations, but not felt as emotions inside. This experience helped me to at least 'act normal', but I have since realized that this was the reason that I was only diagnosed much later in life. I am only now considering ways to drop the masking and approaching social situations in a more natural way.
what do you think about masking in the context of work? I think the workplace is the most intense masking environment, especially at CV/interview stage.
Your story totally brought me back to my childhood and my teenage years. I relate to you and your story so very much. I just want to thank you so much for sharing your story it helps me feel so much better and to know I’m not alone.
i like your videos. i am trying to find more videos on what not masking looks like. what to expect if someone is just their true self so we (possibly) nt's arent making people on the ads feel weird on accident.
I am heavily masking. I know there is a point where is is not healthy but I am having a hard time knowing when and how to "let it go" or if I even should at all. Thank you for sharing.
Please do continue! My son in in a long-term relation with a young lady who believes she is autistic . I have been trying to learn what I can to be open to her being. I appreciate your sharing so much! Thank you and bless you!
My suspected ASC daughter masks at 3 years old! Totally different comparisons between home and nursery school and even if we visit extended family!
What if u are autistic and u have been masking for so long u feel like u have eventually become what u have been masking as
I tend to mask at work, and it isn't beneficial to me at all as it always makes me feel mentally exhausted. At least I have met a man who tells me I don't need to mask; it will just take some getting use to as I have masked pretty much all my life since the diagnosis at the age of four. But it is nice that I can be myself without judgement from people :)
Thank you for sharing your story, it is very important for me to hear all this.
Do you have any advice on how to stop masking? I’ve been masking for 35 years and I feel like I don’t even know what’s left without all the different masks for different groups of people around me
Omg I had no idea the "eat a worm" song existed in english too.
Comment. I like the film "Inside Out" and its lesson on not needing to be cheerful all the time, and a healthy expression of sadness.
I realized early on. That art was the way to go
I could b. A bit wierd. Work on my own !
And my art got the attention not me
Do I suppose that was / is my mask
Great video ! ☺️💜thnku
I still remember a boy told me that he likes my art but not me
I have huge difficulties looking people in the eyes. It is intensely distressing to me. When talking to people I very much prefer not to watch the person I converse with at all. But... You'd never know, never notice that.
Masking? Desperately, ever since toddlerhood. Nearly always failing miserably at it. Humans... Just don't get me.
I've always felt like I could fit in, but not belong. I'm in a PhD physics program where Autism is rampant, so I am less unusual than all other points of life. Still I look the most nuerotypical, yet I think Autism affects me the most.
This is 100% my story. I’m so glad to not be as alone as I thought I was. Thank you for making this video.
Hi!! You’re really cheerful I love you so much! I didn’t know much about masking or anything like that I really thought you had to learn from other people and always copy and like keep like a mental journal of how to act I didn’t know girl you blew my mind!!! Thank you so much I really had no idea it’s masks and stuff thank you again I love you!
Being like everyone else is boring anyway 😉🎶
I'm having trouble to make friends. I can't understand social cues and norms. I've lost so many friends due to misunderstanding that to this day, i don't understand it myself
Sending love. I don't know how old you are, but I found it really difficult in school to make and keep friends, and outside of school too. I was 24 when I made a friend completely of my own volition and have had several since but I've found meeting other neurodiverse people to be way more satisfying because theyvdont expect or require me to know the "rules" and are more straight forward.
My suggestion is to join groups you can do what you enjoy. Be open about your experiences and your knowledge but cognizant of allowing others to express themselves. Join online groups too. If youre not in an independent position temporary alternatives like internet friends and animals are totally okay. I baby sit and walk y neighbour's dog for times when I can't cope with people. I'm part of a choir of disabled and nondisabled people (with one voice, we stream every wednesday) and I go on foraging walks and to punk gigs where i have people i know n the spectrum and can just spend the night standing next to each other without having to force conversation.
This pprobably too long. I guess me biggest message would be, be patient, and put in some work. It can take a couple of tries but when you find your people it's pretty good.
I feel like this includes gays as well. I do this.
I can totally relate to this because I only approximate normal behaviour. It's not dissimilar from how normal people learn to socialise, except instead of it happening organically, with masking it is to a degree dysfunctional, as it's not based on an authentic experience: I seem mostly to be doing the right things, it's just that there's something a little, "off" - a bit like banana-flavoured milk: it says banana on the label, but it doesn't quite taste like the real thing. In a sense, this approximated range of behaviours is quite a feat of engineering; and in of itself, like it's brother - authentic, 'normal' behaviour - stands testament to the ingenuity of the human being; so whether you're normal or artificially masking, it's still amazing.
All the times I was carted around by school intervention attempts because of being alone and how I felt like an alien even among communities (fitting my interests) which advertise themselves as different are painfully resonant.
Part 2 definitely! Im battling with trying to get the right balance with masking and being myself without exhausting myself at the moment. Your video is very helpful! :)
Yes I would love a masking part 2 I recently subscribed to you I think your amazing I was diagnosed with Autism at age 25 and I make Autism videos on my channel
Thanks Gemma, I will add it to my schedule.
Thank you for this video. My 13 year old daughter has just been diagnosed and it is lovely to feel that we can understand her better by understanding how masking feels to an automatic person. Thank you I will be watching more of your videos.
Definitely I'd love to see a Masking video Part 2 Ella. Have you seen a TH-cam channel by the name of Becoming Autism ? She is a young woman from Wales who works as a teacher in a special needs school, she was diagnosed with autism a couple of years ago. Her videos are very informative, especially her videos on Autism in girls, Sensory toy reviews, Autism and relationships. I'd highly recommend subscribing to her channel. 👍👍
I really appreciate your insight, and would love to see a masking part 2
Really great video, and though we are not as adept, boys do it too! Masking in a new environment is exhausting and can leave you feeling empty, but I find repeated masking in the same company builds my own confidence, and so becomes more natural. I always worried I was "being fake" but, with time, I made friends via masking and felt more comfortable and confident around them.
me starting the video: huh, sounds like kinda what I went through
Half way through: ok, hitting home now
Near the end: THATS ENOUGH SLICES
I'm a guy, diagnosed with ADHD and austics traits (I do think it's more than traits, but hey, I'm not a MD), and I've been masking my whole life, especially through adolescence and young adults years. I kind of said 'Fuck it' when hitting 22-23 and just became a hermit because I didn't have the stamina anymore, but after the diagnosis I tend to understand my feelings of alienation. I even remember trying to explain my reasoning behind 'chaning my personality' when hanging out with different friends to the MD and they didn't grasp it at all - 'We all do it' was the answer, sure buddy. Reading up on their favorite interests before hanging out seems so normal for a teenager.
I'm not a girl, but I completely relate to your history of masking. From gravitating to the cool kids in school to developing complex strategies in adulthood. And the older I am, the greater toll it takes on my mental and physical health.
I've recently been to assessment and they told me that by test results I would easily fit on the spectrum, but during the interview I had not "displayed" as autistic, so they're not sure yet. At this age, it's very difficult for me to turn off masking on demand and I'm afraid they won't understand and my assessment will fail.
I never did this because I am not as socially motivated as other autistic girls and women. I was diagnosed with Asperger's in 1994 when I was six years old.
When I was a kid, I always tried to emulate the adults I saw on TV, because I thought they were kind of glamorous and that the other kids were annoying and ridiculous. As a result, I sometimes replaced inappropriate behaviors with other inappropriate behaviors, because it's not normal for a 6-year-old girl to try to act like a 30-year-old.
I was never in the loop....always bullied....still am my lifes half over....still treated badly by people....I guess they dont see me correctly....they say I'm eccentric....
My girl is almost 4 and she already masks quite a bit. For example- her hand flapping, she turned into pretending to fly like a bird, already.
Thank you.
What should i do when someone see's through my mask? at work for example, is that the time to tell them??
Just be yourself.
Tell them.
If others don't accept you, that is their problem.
I'm not autistic (at least that's what I think), but I've experienced throughout my life all the things autistic people describe. It's curious
I'm 48, not formally diagnosed, and am in shut down 8 days before we move house. Not ideal. And yes. I was masking , had melt down, then shutdown.
Ok so I could relate to every word she was saying… I kinda stumbled on this video on accident and now I’m not really sure what to do, but it does explain why I’m good at a lot of voice impressions come to think of it. But I don’t know how I should handle this now. Should I see a doctor
are you good at math? I feel like there is a stereotype that says that all high functioning autistics are good at math. I think I have a lot of symptoms, but I am not good at math or staying organized. I am going for ADHD evaluation on the 8th of September as I believe I have it , and so does my councelor
Utopia is not realistic for being true to oneself. "To thine one self be true..." Shakespeare writes in Hamlet. Cannot imagine the great burden of attempting to be someone else. It is, in my experience, and waste of our most precious gift of life.