I thought I was the only alternative person that went through a vanilla phase. At the height of my ED I essentially let my mom dress me, choose my makeup, my prom dress, etc like her little doll because I was skinny. She still refers to this time like it was the best time in my life and it always hurts.
Got a job in 2015 that required me to look more normal and when I said I wanted to have piercings in on my days when I wasn't client facing (4/5 days per week; I wore retainers the rest of the time) my boss told me that if I wanted to have an alternative look, maybe I should consider working in a bar. I did not go and work at a bar, I got a postgraduate qualification and worked at a university as a researcher. I hope that woman stubs her toe often
@@Liusila 100%, it's getting a lot better now, I've started going to job interviews with all my piercings and blue hair and no-one has batted an eye :)
When I was 16 I got my first job in an office through a work program. My look at that point wasn't particularly extreme, only one visible piercing in my nose and a healing scar from a lip ring I had already taken out for the sake of being more professional. Apparently I still had the stink of goth on me though because my boss at the time would never shut up about how I need to change this and that (my black office appropriate clothes etc.) to "present myself as a professional if I want to keep a job ever". Near the end, all that was left was my dyed jet-black hair (wild, I know.) She went on to tell me that dyed black hair was unnatural and therefore unprofessional and I needed to strip it and dye it to my natural color if I wanted my job. Now, at 16 I was much less capable of gripping my agency and decided this was the only job in the world so I did it. Or tried to. The chemicals of the at-home hair stripping kit took my long black hair down to a bizarre orange color. It was nice and crispy crunchy, as Jenna marbles would say, like a bag of Doritos. Though not quite as appetizing. I wasn't sure if the hair dye would take with it in this state so I stupidly decided that I needed to do it again. BIG mistake. The stands shriveled up, broke off and fell out. Horrified, I decided it needed to go so I shaved it all off. I started wearing a wig to work which displeased this woman even more as she assumed that I shaved my head as some sort of middle finger to her. I learned a valuable lesson those days about what I'm willing to let go of in pursuit of a happy boss. Turns out, not my hair lol.
Totally relate to this. In my 'normal' phase I was the most depressed I'd ever been. I just didn't have the energy to experiment with clothes or makeup or anything. I didn't even have the energy to have a personality anymore.
Same... Behind my "normal" clothes, my new self harm cuts, my anorexic body coming back. Behind my "normal" attitude, my head planning how I should end my life.
This feels like me right now. Depression sucks so much out of you, having the energy to "be a person" at all is difficult, let alone being anything more than a shell of someone who is just about getting through the day.
I tried it for about six years. I was in high school and college at the time and was under the mistaken impression that I needed to be "normal" for lack of a better word in order to grow up. My anxiety had a sharp uptick my freshman year of high school and somehow worked it out in my brain (without consulting anyone else I might add, and I didn’t even know I had anxiety at the time) that all my non-conventionalities were hurting me. When I finally let go of all my restrictions on my personality when I was almost twenty one I felt happier and more myself than I had in years. I guess if I had any advice to give here, it would be to trust your own journey, and embrace everything about yourself. 💚
Me too! It was one the most shitty and sad time to be act like a complete different person that not even you. It suck I don't like it! I was losing myself. Finally one day I was like I can't do this . I can't be this "normal person" just to please people. So that day I went back to my goth punk chick again ah! I feel happy and have such relief that cry of having this stress gone way . Thank you for this I love it! I though I was only one that did this weird normal phace . Thank you!! Keep on being you foreverrr! 🖤🖤🖤
That's like my parents towards my gaming and anime stuff. As well as my crossdressing things too, even though I'm hurting nobody by doing these things.
I thought that for so long but when it comes down to it that fear didn't stop me. When you are in that extreme state the idea of being a vegetable is better than being alive. It can be helpful for coping with these feelings but it shouldn't be your only reason.
I think the same!!! Wow...someone who thinks like i do....that is my fear. But my dad taught me how to do it properly! By him killing himself almost 10 years ago, I now know where i went wrong. And no, we DON'T go to hell when we kill ourselves. I think hell is LIVING day to day on this hellish planet with fake people. I think of this every day. I have it planned out. When is the question....(HUGS)
Yeppp. Becoming an RN was the worst mistake I’ve ever made. Had a round SpongeBob female phase at 18. Then at 22 as a nurse I had another round SpongeBob phase this time as a male. Both were painful lmao. Both times I was also addicted and eatin d1s0rded
Honestly if you’re not afraid of losing your brows for a bit, try it! It’s VERY fun. They’ll grow back, and in the meantime you have soooo much space for cool make up experimentation!
@@CatWearingHeadphones they grow back pretty fast, a few weeks I’d say. Maybe a little over a month to fully grow back, and meanwhile you could always draw them on
When I looked the most "normal" I was a depressed alcoholic desperatedly trying to make my ex-boyfriend like me more! Now I'm sober and dying my hair funky colors again, getting my piercings back and wearing whatever the hell I want.
Good on you. I'm 4 months sober exercising & experimenting w my look. I turned 28 2 months ago & vowed that I was done w "normality". It was very scary at 1st bc I felt like I couldnt thrive but I'm better than I've ever been
Margot A CONGRATS TO YOU BOTH! I'm not a alcoholic but cannot drink bc I'm bipolar. I don't care. Years ago??? It's a no brainer. If ppl are pressuring you to drink,then to me they ARENT YOUR FRIENDS!!!
“When you stop doing the things that you love that’s a sign of severe mental illness” Me, whos entire life leading up to this point has revolved around art and creating art: lol so I haven’t drawn in a year and when I’m not feeling numb then I’m bawling my eyes out ✌️🥰🤪😁
How are you doing now? As someone who has had a bit of a rough time this past year or two I want to let you know I can relate to what you wrote. Sending you warm wishes from Australia.
I would choose depression over anxiety any day as well. That heart racing, so nervous you can barely function, constantly on the verge of tears, racing anxious thoughts feeling is AWFULLLLLLLLLLLL
Katie Harwin of course! Some might prefer anxiety over depression. :) I just know, personally, I prefer being depressed. I can cope with depression better than anxiety, though My coping isn’t the best regardless. anxiety is the absolute worst and I wish I didn’t have to deal with it. Anxiety literally makes me feel like I’m about to poop my pants, too.
Freddie Bee Thats fair! For me depression usually makes me not care about doing things, whereas anxiety makes it terrifyingly scary to do the things I know I should do
"what is normal to the spider is chaos to the fly". i'm glad you're in a better place now, i'd rather be healthy and happy than "normal" and miserable.
Being 'normal' can be so toxic and soul destroying. I say 'frak it'. Embraces the weird. It will feed your soul, not destroy you. I'm proud of you for how far you have come.
I have a random question. When you said 'frak it' it reminded me of Battlestar Galactica where instead of saying the actual cuss word, they would say frak. Have you watched it before?
Love Emilia. Wish she would stop cooking in public as it’s unsanitary but I don’t have to eat it lol. She’s amazing tho if we state something is normal that means we judge a baseline. Natural does not equal normal. Also normal does not equal natural. Society has a baseline for “normal” but it changes as much or as little as we do
I'd dare anyone to define normal as it's a construct not a fact personally I may look like the definition of normal the mentality however is a different story plus am I the only person that things what society defines as normal is abnormal? Think about the manerisims society lives by none if it is normal based on the morality of it
Relatable. All of this. So relatable. Right down to the stomach ulcer. I'm coming back to goth now. I'm also quitting my soul-sucking corporate call center job an hour away from my house as soon as humanly possible. I'm terrified that I won't be able to find work or support myself but honestly I would be so happy to just get a job at the local record store and/or health food store and live a quiet existence with my boyfriend and my cats. Here's hoping that's a possibility for me.
Never had a stomach ulcer, but I worked many call centers and had horrible stress the entire time. I'm a server now, and while it might be a less "professional" job the stress is much less and the money is great. I'm so much happier. Its the best thing I've ever done for myself. Do a job that makes YOU happy.
I had a similar issue, but reversed: I tried to be "normal" in my teen years, and went full-on goth in my early adulthood. I made a couple attempts at being goth in my teens, but I was basically ridiculed out of it. I was normal up until I hit my 20's, then I gave it up and embraced what I like to call "my true form". I can't say I'm overall happy, but I am far more comfortable in the way I dress now than the way I used to dress.
Have had that issue as well. i would just let my mom dress me up the way she wanted, was heavily depressed and then i started going to therapy freshmen year of highschool. Progress had been slow and still is but i ended up chopping off all my hair that my mother wanted long, and sure its the weirdest haircut, but man do i feel a lot better about myself. Wear weird clothes, even been experimenting with make up. Its strange. Having this idea of “normal” and “beautiful” thrust upon you at a young age and just forcing that onto yourself, yet later realizing fuck that! It sucks tho cuz i feel as though i don’t really know what i like and i still second guess myself, but man the tiny pieces of things i discover have made me feel so comfortable with myself. It makes me happy!
I'm so glad that Psychiatrist saw you because so many psychiatrists would never have caught Asperger's in a girl in a million years, even now, let alone 10 years ago. That psych is a legend
Totally relatable! I never expected to live past 22, and here I am at 51. However I'm in a "normal" phase right now and trying to fight my way out of it and figure out what a 51 year old chubby punk looks like. I too started college in 2009, uni in 2011, grad school in 2014, I legitimately don’t know what I’m doing with my education (nothing). Time marches on.
Hi just wanted to add gen z LOVES seeing elder punks/goths/etc. I personally love seeing yall bc it reaffirms to me that I wont become a normal older person(I've dreaded giving up my style and personality for being a normal grownup)
I feel ya! The only time I ever looked "normal" was when I was heavy into Oxy's and speed; I didn't want to bring unnecessary attention to myself, being so spun out all the time. I've got 14 yrs clean now, and fully embrace my punk/metal/grunge roots (and look the part) at age 48. My grandson says I'm "a coolest Grammy" lol. Keep kickin' ass, Dorian. You rock! 🤘🖤
Same, I looked the most normal when I was homeless and strung out, because I needed to be able to move through the world more easily in order to shoplift and not attract police attention while doing drug deals etc
ok but now for real, past decade was me in bed not moving and not coping with ANYTHING. I had lost my first partner and I was dealing with all of that YEARS after it happened ahah. Was smuggling alcohol under my bed to drink during the night (thats the only time I was active), and lost all my friends to terrible alcohol induced dumbassery. Now I'm a happy non binary femme that loves taking things slow BC I REALIZED I'M AN ASPIE. The diagnosis saves lives
Me. I don’t have a style. I know what I’m not but I don’t know where I would fit in but luckily I never care . I know I’m not goth but. No such thing as normal but being neurodivergent. Was misdiagnosed as many things and was told lazy and depressed but I’m not I’m just sensory processing and autistic
Perhaps this is wildly off topic, but this reminds me of my "but I'm not trans!" phase. I convinced myself that if I tried harder to be "pretty" that I'd stop hating the way that I looked, and after I started paying attention to fashion and what "complemented my body type/ face shape" I was unable to recognize myself- I started dissociating 24/7, and even though that person looked "pretty", I didn't know who it was that I was looking at in the mirror. I thought that I was "bad at being a girl", but being a girl was the whole problem, yeah? I'm much happier now, to the point where relatives that I rarely see have commented on it.
I'm glad you're happier now! I've heard of that being something that a lot of trans people do, ftm's going hyer-feminine or mtf's going hyper-masculine. But again, I'm happy you're doing better :)
It happened to me too, I thought if I tried being real manly, wearing big boxy jeans, going fishing with my Dad and to pubs for dinner in the evening. Shit like that. Even tried Karate... I also have Autism spectrum disorder. So it built up and built up without me paying attention...Until I had several different kinds of crisises. Like, I dropped out of college, my dysphoria spiked immensly, I was so sad and anxious I was becoming sick... But hey now I'm becoming a goth girl and I'm finally comfortable with myself.
As somebody with autism I completely relate to seeing a body in my mirror and knowing you live in it but just not connecting it to yourself, recently I’ve been trying new things out stylistically and its been helping a lot! (Not saying thats a cureall, just going on a tangent)
Yes oh my god i had the exact same experience!!! Like, i could tell that i was moderately attractive but i really did not see the person in the mirror as myself. It was a very weird dissonance and i'm glad i dont experience it anymore
I had this moment when I turned thirty, when I decided that it was the moment to behave like an adult and have a child. Because bring a life to this world not because you want it but because it's what's you're suposed to do it's such a great idea that doesn't make feel both parents and children miserable whatsover. Fortunately, my boyfriend said no. A decade later, I don't have kids, and I can only think what the hell I was thinking. It would have been a disaster.
Seems like a lot of us have experienced a depressing normal phase in our early adulthood, trying to be an adult, get a normal job and generally fit in. I experienced this too, when I was 22-23 and was working as a sales consultant in a big company. I was losing myself during that period, I was trying to be another person and like you said, it was fake. I'm glad I returned to my old and true self.
An hour and a half to unwind?? An hour and a half?? Oh man. When I was a kid I remember having disagreements with my best friend because I needed entire weekends to myself.
Ahhh I’m a 23 year old living at home after an 11 year battle with mental health and feeling sooo shit about it and like I have to be an adult. When you said it’s okay you’re so young it literally made me smile 🥺❤️
The funny thing is, at least to me, even the “Normal” phase looks off on you, you looked like a goth who went on one of those shows where they have to get a shitty makeover to be normal and they just cosplay as a regular person. It doesn’t actually look ordinary, it looks like a fun person faking it, which technically is what happened lol
This is so relatable. I'm only 22, but I remember spending periods in my life attempting to be a feminine girly 'normal' girl. But those were the times I was struggling the most and had the darkest thoughts of myself. Being myself has been the hardest thing I've ever done but it's the only way to live honestly - and my self worth is shit but better than any time I pretended to be someone i wasnt
I feel like I’m close to going through something like this. I’m a straight guy who likes “feminine” things, I’ve had a long fascination with androgyny. The problem is mainly my toxic family, my grandma tries to say that I’m “confused” and my grandpa assumes that I’m gay just because I like “Women’s” clothes and makeup. They try to make seem as if something is wrong with me because they think that they’re telling “the truth”, it literally feels like it’s no different from bullying and I don’t feel like I’m acknowledged as a person. It’s like they just constantly shove their beliefs down my throat, I’m so fucking depressed rn.
@@dejuanmoore2064 huh. I’m a lesbian but two weeks ago after a pretty bad trip, I realized that me hating my tits wasn’t just because of my sexuality. So, now I have to unpack a lot of the not hatred but distaste I have for men and realizing it is so liberating but infuriating because I like being femininity, I have no problem with it but a lot of the things I dislike about guys and masculinity is mainly a projection of my own insecurities. That and even though I do consider myself a feminists, the TERFs have a way of getting into your head even if you know it’s wrong. Never mind my family disapproving. I hope after a year thing got better, lovely.
This video was kind of a slap in the face of realization. I did the same thing with trying to be more "adult" without consciously knowing I was slowly leaving my spooky interest behind. I was trying to work in the medical field in 2007 and, no one wanted to hire me because of my piercings and hair color. I tried to change myself into something more presentable. For the past two years I've been feeling in my soul that something has been missing. Maybe I just need to let my bat wings loose again.
The normalcy period is so tru oh my gosh during the peak of my eating disorder, obsessive self harm, and nicotine addiction I was this cutesy little girl with all As and lots of volunteer hours. Now I have the same grades, less stress, edgy as hell, lots of muscle, and have gotten to a point where I can put my abusive ex girlfriend behind and am ready to be in a healthy committed relationship
It kills me dressing in my work uniform. I always try to wear one accessory that other weirdos might recognize as crying out of "im not normal please talk weird things with me imma die here but I like having moneeeyyyyy"
omg, I have some duties at my job where I need to come in wearing a uniform, and other duties where I get to dress pretty much how I want. I feel soooo much less like myself when I’m wearing a polo shirt lol
12:35 that’s exactly how I feel. I suffer from both and I’d pick depression over anxiety any day. They’re both terrible, but anxiety makes everything a living hell
I actually needed to hear this. I'e "gone normal" before and was miserable as s*it and am noticing my self going normal again, for all the wrong reasons and thinking "oh well, maybe this time it is good...". Stop, girl, it will not be good
It's truly amazing how many Goths seem to go through similar issues. That need to be "normal", which just makes us more miserable and sends us spiraling. I'm so happy for you (and other fellow bats) who have found and embraced their true selves. 🦇🖤🦇
I'd love to see more drug experiences. I am mad shitless that youtube demonetizes those kind of videos because they are my favourite to watch from you.
Yeah I agree! I'm a recovering addict (I still struggle with certain things like alcohol, weed and suboxone. I'm on benzos but those are prescribed for PTSD and anxiety. I'm on disability for that and my bipolar disorder.) but I don't abuse those. Man, I wish I had them when I was big into cocaine cuz that comedown is GNARLY!
@@BillSikes. NOT TRUE! I'm not "addicted" to weed or alcohol AT ALL. I can go weeks and sometimes even months without touching either of them. Now suboxone I'm PHYSICALLY DEPENDENT ON, but I'm not sticking a needle in my arm 20 times or more a day or stealing or selling my body for my next hit so it's better than being addicted to heroin and cocaine. Suboxone has kept me clean the last 7 years. Everybody has THEIR OWN WAY OF STAYING CLEAN. Don't judge somebody elses way of doing things when you don't live their life!
@@hollywood2499 I speak from experience, it sounds to me like you'll always need something or other to prop you up, I wouldn't of been happy with this myself, I wanted to recover from everything, I'm now free of everything and have never felt better, it wasn't easy so I threw myself into religion, I've since found answers that have Revolutionised my life, I really do feel I've been given a second chance.. Good luck
That paramedic was looking out for you. So many of them do care deeply about others. I remember the last time I was barely coming to and a little woman had so much strength holding my arm and lifting me up. She was a paramedic and I know she cared about me and many others. You've walked a difficult path but you've walked it well. Keep going.
I am into goth music and aestetic since I was 15 years old and to be honest, I stopped wearing gothy and just black all the time about a year ago. I am 25 years old now and because I'm about to become a teacher, I began to dress more 'normally'. Like I started wearing blue Jeans, Grey, brown, even sometimes white... and tbh I'm still goth. I still listen to my goth music and go out to my favorite goth club. Eventhough I don't *dress* like a goth anymore, I still adore it and it always just feels like home to me. And I cannot get rid of my tattoos which I love anyway. But I have to say, that I'm feeling a lot better with my mental health compared to when I was 15 years old. I think my looks kind of reflect that. Nonetheless, I respect everyone's style and one should be able to express theirselves as they wish, without beeing labeled as normal *or* goth. You can kind of be both, if you ask me.
I get it. I feel goth on the inside. But really, I hate labels. Call me what you want. I feel what I feel, I'm gonna wear what I feel like wearing on whatever day I feel like wearing it. I feel the same about "transgender" I don't care what anyone calls me. I don't really care about my personality having a label
straight out of college, I needed a job and managed to score one at a bank. Worked there for two years, and had to buy a while new section of my wardrobe to do so ("professional" clothes, normal pretty blouses, etc.) While it was a great resume builder, I finally left after two years there bc A) finance wasnt what I went to college for (it was graphic design) and B) it was incredibly soul sucking and I was getting depressed. Two years later, I now get to dress (mostly) how I want and get to use my creative muscles every day working in the marketing department of a tech company. I feel more "me" now than I ever did at the bank.
I’m just now coming out of the normality phase and I couldn’t be happier to return to my goth & alternative roots. I’m so much happier having reclaimed my right to self expression. It’s a real relief!
I was also "normal" for a while to be left alone by bullies. Some of the worst years of my life because I wasn't being myself. And then in adulthood it became trying to do what I "should" instead of what I really wanted. Lesson is trying to be someone else never works out very well. Trying to conform to expectations of what you "should be/do" instead of what is you will eat you from the inside.
this spoke to me on so many levels, i was too trying to be "normal" and it made me fucking miserable, honestly being an alt person pretty much saved my life, i love your story time videos!!
Holy, I never realised we have some similarities. I was obsessed with short-hand dictation when I was in secondary school, but I never learnt it. I went into a "normie" phase for seven years at the beginning of my adult life which my mother and friends, also, think was the best era for me. However, those years were filled with illnesses, problems, toxic people, debt, and confusion. I wouldn't go back to it for the world. Goth pride. 🦇🦇🦇
What is up with going into a "normal" phase in your early twenties? That's exactly where I am rn, and even though I never was big into all the makeup, I feel like I dressed more ""edgier"" before. I don't wanna be normal.
I remember a phase where I was so depressed that I barely brushed my hair in the morning and everyone was just like: oh it's so good to see your face without all that makeup... Edit: I have depression and anxiety and I'm actually "happier" on days where I just have depression, I know what you mean
Can relate to this on a being trans way. When I was most presenting as the gender I was assigned at birth it was the time I was the most depressed and most dysfunctional
You’ve literally made me feel not crazy, I’m 24 now diagnosed with Aspergers when I was 18 left school at 14 because I couldn’t cope I went through the breakdown of full time college when I turned 19/20 and work and just breaking myself wondering why i couldn’t do it like everyone else all while living with disordered eating and addictions I’m still lost right now not fully sure what I want and I feel overwhelmed at the idea of change and commitment to something new like what if I hate it I’m getting too old for this etc but you’ve given me hope, I relate to you much more than my therapists who think their education on a subject is comparable to lived life experience of their patients and I appreciate you and your content, I hope you’re doing well and staying safe ❤️
Being alive in 2023 is crazy. I’m only 20 years old and while my health isnt great for my age its still nothing to worry about, somehow I feel like I’m closer to death than I should be, because I outlived my own expectations. It was never a plan, I didn’t set a date, I never even wanted to unalive myself besides intrusive thoughts and some ideation. But there was a gut feeling I was not going to reach adulthood. I sometimes hate my younger self for killing me off, but I have to be proud that I outlived her predictions.
Watching this in August 2021 and finding the ending amusing- your fear of "bird 'flu" . 🤣 Little did we know... Enjoying your content, very informative, even for a reasonably ordinary, very middle-class, middle-aged, divorced part time single mum.
i am an aspie too and i also had a normality phase around 2009 (i was still in school though) but something just seemed off about it.. like i couldn’t fit in with any actual normal people because what i became seemed much like a caricature of normal (didn’t quite know what to buy - i thought girly heels and an obnoxious sequin shirt both in bright teal would win over my peers but i just got bullied more!) and i don’t mean this offensively but this seems somewhat true in your normal phase too - sort of overly stereotypical like the kind of “normal” style you would see in hollywood movies i guess? i think for me at least it just came from not really understanding the way “normal” people operate, and it definitely felt like i was an alien trying to blend in! but i’m definitely much happier now being able to freely experiment with makeup and style choices and i’m glad you are too! 😊
That's cool that they could give you a formal diagnosis for Asperger's! I've been having this suspicion that it might also be why I have such a hard time with social relations, but in France it's supper complicated to get a diagnosis and almost impossible once you're an adult! And growing up in Romania, no one even acknowledged that such things existed, it would always be "oh she's too spoiled" instead...
When I was 17-20 & bulimic I also thought I'd die from it. Glad to be in a better place. In the US, needing an ambulance & 2 week stay in a psych hospital cost me $3,500, you're lucky you have more socialized medicine where you are.
Goth for me was a way of rejecting all expectations of me when I was a teenager. I was always awkward, very introverted, nerdy and an ugly duckling. Every attempt to make myself more attractive with normality felt appalling. Goth gave me the freedom to be whomever I pleased, daily, and it was fun to diy and do eyeliner and discover the literature and music. I don't dress goth currently but I do art and listen to the music. I feel more free to do what ever I please and feel comfortable with. Rejecting normality was one of the best desicions I could have made at 13 years old.
My best friend died of an overdose, he was soeedballing (shooting heroin mixed with coke). His heart exploded. If you’re struggling with addiction I hope you see sobriety one day because you’re worth it. You’re strong enough and there is tons of support out there if you need it. Sending you a mom hug 🤗
You're the most incredible writer I've ever seen too. Books are so slow usually but your stories are so full of emotion and beauty no matter how dark the story is
24 was a similar time for me too. However I over-extended my need to grasp on to the seeming keeping going which led to a prolonged period of depression and stuckness which took another crisis in my early 40s to switch me to what I should have been doing all along. Ironically the phase you went through, albeit a painful one has perhaps enabled you to have a more nuanced and deeper association with your identity now rather than this being part of as yet undifferentiated extension of your younger self. Life is tough in bridging the needs of self growth and fulfilment with meeting material needs. That may remain as a current challenge with you, however this is faced its important to value who you are whilst working that one out. Thanks for sharing this.
I get what you mean about adult goths... I had to give up my cool clothing for my job and to have a more tranquil live since I hate being the center of attention and certainly goth clothes don’t help... But I still have my book shelf dedicated to Poe and Lovecraft, my huge collection of horror films and goth music and my beloved goth paintings... When you are a true goth that never leaves you, even if you force yourself to look differently, and trying to deny it is the worst think you can do for your mental health contrary to “normies “ believes. THANKS FOR THE VIDEO DUDE! IT WAS SOOOO MUCH NEEDED!
I definitely relate to throwing yourself into something and then trying to bring in bonus content to keep an otherwise mundane thing actually interesting! Also the only time I had a normal job was in a cafe. The social aspect was exhausting, and when the company was bought by a Crabby ol' Monday's/TGIF's type corporation it made it way worse. It was my worst year for productivity outside of work. Now I work from home as an artist and occasionally an editor. :)
My "normality phase" was when I tried so hard to be a woman... (I'm a trans man.) I thought that if I perform femininity correctly, I'll become a "real" adult and my stress and anxiety about my future will go away. Of course, it didn't work, and I just got more miserable. It was only after I acknowledged my gender identity that my mental health started improving. And some people still think that the fake femininity is the real me... By the way, funny that you "prefer" depression over anxiety. For me, it's vice versa. I can take anxiety any day because then, I can at least do something. When I'm depressed, I can't do anything.
After wanting to be a skinny and polished-looking goth girl for all of my teen days, now that I actually feel somewhat happy and I like how I look (I did nothing to lose weight, just in case anyone wanted to compliment my efforts- which I don't like because thinness isn't a positive, just a characteristic) I want to get back into gothic/edgier clothing that shrouds me in darkness!
"Thinness isn't a positive, is a characteristic" This really resonates with me right now because peoples comments are exactly the reason why a part of me HATES that I'm losing weight. "you look so good/so much better now!" bitch I looked good before too like I'm not automatically prettier just because I'm slightly lighter
@@PrincessRainbowSparkles Exactly! Since I started gaining some confidence in my looks I started disliking how I looked instantly better just because I was 3 kg lighter. I was flattered by the """"compliments"""" at first because I was used to hating my body, but it didn't last long. In the end, we are the only ones whose opinion we should care about for these things, because no one is going to live in our bodies (unless we get to the point where brain transplant is a common practice XD).
I have had a couple of "normal trying to keep everyone else happy phases" and after the break up of my last marriage I have fully embraced my true self 😊 it feels amazing to be happy with my dark self and not giving a hoot what anybody else thinks. Totally relate to looking at old photos and knowing how fucked up you are behind the smiles and "normal" clothes.
"The way to cope with the adult world is to become a different person" That's exactly what I've been trying to convince myself for the past few years, same age as you were then... I relate to this so so much :')
Lisbeth Salander is my role model. As an aspie girl myself, I related to her so much as well as was inspired by her way of dealing with her trauma. I remember being in the psych ward the first time I read the first book, and after that, reading the books got me through some hard times. I'm no-where NEAR as badass as she is, but she's an inspiration for sure.
I tried being normal at various retail job, but what ended up happening is I would stress tf out, and get into a self-sabotage spiral. I work at an amazing goth store in NYC, and I love everyone who works there.
The fact that you rounded off this video - posted at the end of February 2020 - by reflecting on the H1N1 thing and then declaring how happy you are in 2020 is crazy to me. Hope you/yours are coping alright given the insanity of the current pandemic.
I feel this too, when I dressed like a normal person it was at the point where my mental illness was at it's worst and I just didn't feel like myself at all. I'm still picking up the pieces of normality 4 years later. Remember kids don't do normal. Just say no to a warped image of yourself.
I can relate to having a "normality phase". It started because of my ex who I was with for many years. He became embarrassed to be seen with me due to me dressing goth. It was a very hard time. I changed, big time. I also felt like ok, maybe this is what I am supposed to do? And "grow up"? Many more years later, got away from this horrible person who never accepted me and I returned to the goth community. My interests never changed, and he hated them. But I could finally be me again.
I can relate to this so much. When I was 23 I suddenly started my "responsible adult" phase. I worked at an office I was too weird for, so I ended up diligently hiding all personal details about myself from my colleagues and pretending to be normal. I also tried so hard to catch up with more experienced adults, that I was constantly forcing myself to work and think and learn, putting tons of stress on myself. Hiding my personality caused me to spiral into constant anxiety and chronic insomnia. It all resolved fairly quickly when I finally quit and became an independent artist. I still have some of those office clothes though, I cringe every time I find them in my wardrobe. Not being myself is some of the hardest shit I ever dealt with, you actually start to forget the person you are while you're pretending.
My last decade I had to start life over. Widowed, moved 3 times, fought for disability, financial woes and taking forever to fix up house. Need another vehicle. I just want to relax for a change. 3 hours of doing anything is a good day. Being young was rough but now totally responsible for everything myself and realize then it was a piece of cake. So many died and just moved away from it all. Tired. I used to be an editor and accountant. Never really finished writing a book. Tried.
im turning 20 this year and everyone feels like theyre better faster etc than me. i am very far from drugs i can actually only handle one glass of wine but my need to be perfect is killing me. videos like that make me feel better about "not being there yet" tho obviously i love the way u tell stories :)
...oh god DUDE, DUDE. I am where you used to be, I do not like where I work (big corporate multinational thingy), i'm trying to study in the break and study when i get home, and the commute is time consuming and its just eating away at me, I have a mini breakdown every night and its awful. Holy fuck I relate so much.
"And If you're an aspi you know you don't deal well with change" and yet here I am again changing everything in my life all at once. It's as if I like to make myself go in to a melt down.
I bought myself facial piercings for Christmas. It was the first time id given any care to myself in 5 years. It was really a turning point. I dressed goth in high school, but I became so depressed afterward that I practically lived in sweatpants. The piercings were a big event, like I was deciding I was worth the effort.
I used to be alternative, for like 12 years of my life, and then "I matured" and started to "dress lile and adult" and after 2 years I feel like my life is horrible, i'm suffering from anxiety and depression. I'm trying to go back to my "normal" me and it's being very difficult...
@@sophiarojas1659 aw that's very sweet! I'm doing alright, I have my ups and downs. I've also allowed myself to be however I want to be when I feel like it! Thanks for asking 💜
“I even tried injecting Ritalin.” I died laughing bc boy have I been there with adderall like an idiot. I tried injecting fucking clonazepam once too just to inject anything. (I am/was an opioid addict, I’m not 4 years clean) but even remembering these asinine things I’d do gives me goosebumps now.
I had a degree in the medical field, worked the job for 2 years. It was the absolute worst experience of my entire life, and my family just couldn't understand why I didn't want to do it anymore. I resonate so hard with this story in terms of trying to become a different person to adult
This almost made me cry because it’s true, the only time I stopped caring about my appearance was when my mental illness was it’s worst, and I’m slowing getting back into it but I’m worried I won’t find my comfort career looking the way I do, it’s awful. I’m pretty confident I’m autistic and I just can’t get life right I’m stressed everyday
Ever since my dad passed I’ve completely shed the things that make me happy. It even started a little before that when I was no longer doing my make-up and I wouldn't change my clothes. It only got worse over the years but when my dad passed away everyone just choose to see how well I was doing but not hear what was actually going on. All they see is me living on my own, paying my own bills, getting myself to work and driving. Not realizing how hard every one of those things is for me. How, I'm getting to the point of being aftaid of everything and not wanting to go outside. Regretting every second I spent getting out of bed and ignoring my consent desire to die.
I'm 34, still a Goth and had such a "normal" Phase as well after getting out of school. Well not really normal, since in my freetime I was just myself. But at work? It killed me to not be myself and has been ever since in all the jobs I had. I'm one of those people that have no idea what to do to earn money without getting driven into madness. It is hard though, but at least I stopped pretending to be someone I'm not. So if I ever have a job interview again, they have to take me how I am, with Piercings, black clothes and tattoos. I will not hide. Being a writer also sounds amazing, but like you I have no idea what I would write about
“When you see a goth dressed like a goth, that’s a happy goth” -The count, cemetery confessions
I would like your comment but there are 666 likes rn and i don't wanna change that.
Edit: bro 800 likes ;-;
100% why i dont judge anyone who looks alt ik im most happyest the wierder i look 😂
i feel like most goths have a normal phase .. but then they get over it
*purr purr purr* Well said, lovey!
I never have
Same
"don't worry mom it's just a fase" 💁♀️
Hahahaha
I thought I was the only alternative person that went through a vanilla phase. At the height of my ED I essentially let my mom dress me, choose my makeup, my prom dress, etc like her little doll because I was skinny. She still refers to this time like it was the best time in my life and it always hurts.
Fair, that’s abuse my dude. Hope you’re doing better now
hope you’re okay
Probably masking imo
that's so creepy m8 what the hell
Dam ...I guess abuse comes in all forms...I'm sure its love on some messed up level ...stay strong we all got our crap stories
Got a job in 2015 that required me to look more normal and when I said I wanted to have piercings in on my days when I wasn't client facing (4/5 days per week; I wore retainers the rest of the time) my boss told me that if I wanted to have an alternative look, maybe I should consider working in a bar.
I did not go and work at a bar, I got a postgraduate qualification and worked at a university as a researcher.
I hope that woman stubs her toe often
Yeah those people suck. It’s just skin or just hair. Doesn’t really affect your quality of work.
@@Liusila 100%, it's getting a lot better now, I've started going to job interviews with all my piercings and blue hair and no-one has batted an eye :)
When I was 16 I got my first job in an office through a work program. My look at that point wasn't particularly extreme, only one visible piercing in my nose and a healing scar from a lip ring I had already taken out for the sake of being more professional. Apparently I still had the stink of goth on me though because my boss at the time would never shut up about how I need to change this and that (my black office appropriate clothes etc.) to "present myself as a professional if I want to keep a job ever". Near the end, all that was left was my dyed jet-black hair (wild, I know.) She went on to tell me that dyed black hair was unnatural and therefore unprofessional and I needed to strip it and dye it to my natural color if I wanted my job. Now, at 16 I was much less capable of gripping my agency and decided this was the only job in the world so I did it. Or tried to. The chemicals of the at-home hair stripping kit took my long black hair down to a bizarre orange color. It was nice and crispy crunchy, as Jenna marbles would say, like a bag of Doritos. Though not quite as appetizing. I wasn't sure if the hair dye would take with it in this state so I stupidly decided that I needed to do it again. BIG mistake. The stands shriveled up, broke off and fell out. Horrified, I decided it needed to go so I shaved it all off. I started wearing a wig to work which displeased this woman even more as she assumed that I shaved my head as some sort of middle finger to her. I learned a valuable lesson those days about what I'm willing to let go of in pursuit of a happy boss. Turns out, not my hair lol.
@@Morguedance13 glad you aren't there now, sounds like she was stressed about her job and out of control and just took it out on you
@@saraht855 don't worry, ur ex boss probably turnin tricks at the truckstop to support her pimp/baby daddy
Totally relate to this. In my 'normal' phase I was the most depressed I'd ever been. I just didn't have the energy to experiment with clothes or makeup or anything. I didn't even have the energy to have a personality anymore.
Same... Behind my "normal" clothes, my new self harm cuts, my anorexic body coming back. Behind my "normal" attitude, my head planning how I should end my life.
This feels like me right now. Depression sucks so much out of you, having the energy to "be a person" at all is difficult, let alone being anything more than a shell of someone who is just about getting through the day.
same... have to dress pretty for work... it's killing me
I tried it for about six years. I was in high school and college at the time and was under the mistaken impression that I needed to be "normal" for lack of a better word in order to grow up. My anxiety had a sharp uptick my freshman year of high school and somehow worked it out in my brain (without consulting anyone else I might add, and I didn’t even know I had anxiety at the time) that all my non-conventionalities were hurting me. When I finally let go of all my restrictions on my personality when I was almost twenty one I felt happier and more myself than I had in years. I guess if I had any advice to give here, it would be to trust your own journey, and embrace everything about yourself. 💚
Me too! It was one the most shitty and sad time to be act like a complete different person that not even you. It suck I don't like it! I was losing myself. Finally one day I was like I can't do this . I can't be this "normal person" just to please people. So that day I went back to my goth punk chick again ah! I feel happy and have such relief that cry of having this stress gone way . Thank you for this I love it! I though I was only one that did this weird normal phace . Thank you!! Keep on being you foreverrr! 🖤🖤🖤
Young folks: ditching the one thing that makes us happy for the sake of socially adapting
Parents: wow you're doing so much better!
Why :/
I feel this on a SPIRITUAL level.
Can I just kill myself already?
That's like my parents towards my gaming and anime stuff.
As well as my crossdressing things too, even though I'm hurting nobody by doing these things.
Whenever I think about suicide, I think of what would happen if I survived and had to live as a vegetable.
I thought that was just me 😄
I thought that for so long but when it comes down to it that fear didn't stop me. When you are in that extreme state the idea of being a vegetable is better than being alive. It can be helpful for coping with these feelings but it shouldn't be your only reason.
I think the same!!! Wow...someone who thinks like i do....that is my fear. But my dad taught me how to do it properly! By him killing himself almost 10 years ago, I now know where i went wrong. And no, we DON'T go to hell when we kill ourselves. I think hell is LIVING day to day on this hellish planet with fake people. I think of this every day. I have it planned out. When is the question....(HUGS)
Well being a vegetable isnt the only thing that can happen to you.
@@emilyspector2728 please don't hurt yourself!
"I wasn't coping well in the adult world and my weird aspie brain decided the way to cope was to become a different person" ...well thats relatable...
I relate to that too :( also when she talked about the small, minor things piling up and becoming overwhelming and causing meltdowns!
Yep me 4
Yeppp. Becoming an RN was the worst mistake I’ve ever made. Had a round SpongeBob female phase at 18. Then at 22 as a nurse I had another round SpongeBob phase this time as a male. Both were painful lmao. Both times I was also addicted and eatin d1s0rded
I love the no eyebrows with the dramatic cut crease. It reminds me of a moth’s antennae. ❤️
YES LOVE THIS!!!!!!! HUGS
Honestly if you’re not afraid of losing your brows for a bit, try it! It’s VERY fun. They’ll grow back, and in the meantime you have soooo much space for cool make up experimentation!
@@GreenAndGoth how long do they take to return?
@@CatWearingHeadphones they grow back pretty fast, a few weeks I’d say. Maybe a little over a month to fully grow back, and meanwhile you could always draw them on
@@maxdecember7485 thank you!
When I looked the most "normal" I was a depressed alcoholic desperatedly trying to make my ex-boyfriend like me more! Now I'm sober and dying my hair funky colors again, getting my piercings back and wearing whatever the hell I want.
Same here..same story
Good on you. I'm 4 months sober exercising & experimenting w my look. I turned 28 2 months ago & vowed that I was done w "normality". It was very scary at 1st bc I felt like I couldnt thrive but I'm better than I've ever been
Margot A CONGRATS TO YOU BOTH! I'm not a alcoholic but cannot drink bc I'm bipolar. I don't care. Years ago??? It's a no brainer. If ppl are pressuring you to drink,then to me they ARENT YOUR FRIENDS!!!
Kerma I'll bet your a beautiful babe! ( FYI I'm straight)!
Fuck that guy, you’re better without him obviously! 💕🖤
“When you stop doing the things that you love that’s a sign of severe mental illness”
Me, whos entire life leading up to this point has revolved around art and creating art: lol so I haven’t drawn in a year and when I’m not feeling numb then I’m bawling my eyes out ✌️🥰🤪😁
How are you doing now? As someone who has had a bit of a rough time this past year or two I want to let you know I can relate to what you wrote. Sending you warm wishes from Australia.
hope you’re doing better now ❤
I would choose depression over anxiety any day as well. That heart racing, so nervous you can barely function, constantly on the verge of tears, racing anxious thoughts feeling is AWFULLLLLLLLLLLL
grass is always greener...
I have both, and I rather be depressed lol
Freddie Bee I have always had both and anxiety has been worse. Things affect everyone differently
Katie Harwin of course! Some might prefer anxiety over depression. :) I just know, personally, I prefer being depressed. I can cope with depression better than anxiety, though My coping isn’t the best regardless. anxiety is the absolute worst and I wish I didn’t have to deal with it. Anxiety literally makes me feel like I’m about to poop my pants, too.
Freddie Bee Thats fair! For me depression usually makes me not care about doing things, whereas anxiety makes it terrifyingly scary to do the things I know I should do
"what is normal to the spider is chaos to the fly". i'm glad you're in a better place now, i'd rather be healthy and happy than "normal" and miserable.
That's a cool quote!✌️✌️
@@chinapat6708 thank you! i heard it from morticia adams but i'm not sure who originally said it.
@@ailinh911 aaahhh, the Addams Family. Nice!✌️
"maybe the ambulance man was actually a magical fairy" made me laugh
i think you're pretty cool.
You should do a Goth transformation!
hi isabella!!!!
Holy shit hiiii
You’re too
I wish I was brave enough to look like her. I have some crazy looks I'd love to rock in public but I feel like it's way too over the top
Being 'normal' can be so toxic and soul destroying. I say 'frak it'. Embraces the weird. It will feed your soul, not destroy you. I'm proud of you for how far you have come.
I have a random question. When you said 'frak it' it reminded me of Battlestar Galactica where instead of saying the actual cuss word, they would say frak. Have you watched it before?
your story reminds me a bit of emilia fart’s “normal phase” video, great to see people defying normality and thriving 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
i was thinking the same thing!
Accurate.
Love Emilia. Wish she would stop cooking in public as it’s unsanitary but I don’t have to eat it lol. She’s amazing tho if we state something is normal that means we judge a baseline. Natural does not equal normal. Also normal does not equal natural. Society has a baseline for “normal” but it changes as much or as little as we do
I'd dare anyone to define normal as it's a construct not a fact personally I may look like the definition of normal the mentality however is a different story plus am I the only person that things what society defines as normal is abnormal? Think about the manerisims society lives by none if it is normal based on the morality of it
Emilia seems like such a cool complex person and she makes me have hope
Relatable. All of this. So relatable. Right down to the stomach ulcer. I'm coming back to goth now. I'm also quitting my soul-sucking corporate call center job an hour away from my house as soon as humanly possible. I'm terrified that I won't be able to find work or support myself but honestly I would be so happy to just get a job at the local record store and/or health food store and live a quiet existence with my boyfriend and my cats. Here's hoping that's a possibility for me.
Never had a stomach ulcer, but I worked many call centers and had horrible stress the entire time. I'm a server now, and while it might be a less "professional" job the stress is much less and the money is great. I'm so much happier. Its the best thing I've ever done for myself. Do a job that makes YOU happy.
💯💯so much support
My normal phase also contained a stomach ulcer from stress.
Hang in there!! I know you can do it 😍
hoping u get what u want asap!!! never give up!
I had a similar issue, but reversed: I tried to be "normal" in my teen years, and went full-on goth in my early adulthood. I made a couple attempts at being goth in my teens, but I was basically ridiculed out of it. I was normal up until I hit my 20's, then I gave it up and embraced what I like to call "my true form". I can't say I'm overall happy, but I am far more comfortable in the way I dress now than the way I used to dress.
Have had that issue as well. i would just let my mom dress me up the way she wanted, was heavily depressed and then i started going to therapy freshmen year of highschool. Progress had been slow and still is but i ended up chopping off all my hair that my mother wanted long, and sure its the weirdest haircut, but man do i feel a lot better about myself. Wear weird clothes, even been experimenting with make up. Its strange. Having this idea of “normal” and “beautiful” thrust upon you at a young age and just forcing that onto yourself, yet later realizing fuck that! It sucks tho cuz i feel as though i don’t really know what i like and i still second guess myself, but man the tiny pieces of things i discover have made me feel so comfortable with myself. It makes me happy!
I'm so glad that Psychiatrist saw you because so many psychiatrists would never have caught Asperger's in a girl in a million years, even now, let alone 10 years ago. That psych is a legend
Yeah that was lucky
Totally relatable! I never expected to live past 22, and here I am at 51. However I'm in a "normal" phase right now and trying to fight my way out of it and figure out what a 51 year old chubby punk looks like. I too started college in 2009, uni in 2011, grad school in 2014, I legitimately don’t know what I’m doing with my education (nothing). Time marches on.
25 year old chubby punk here. Also trying to transition into “real adulthood” without losing myself
Dang Qathi you're cool as FUCK
Love that!! ❤️❤️
Hi just wanted to add gen z LOVES seeing elder punks/goths/etc. I personally love seeing yall bc it reaffirms to me that I wont become a normal older person(I've dreaded giving up my style and personality for being a normal grownup)
Hey you're so cool!
I feel ya! The only time I ever looked "normal" was when I was heavy into Oxy's and speed; I didn't want to bring unnecessary attention to myself, being so spun out all the time.
I've got 14 yrs clean now, and fully embrace my punk/metal/grunge roots (and look the part) at age 48. My grandson says I'm "a coolest Grammy" lol.
Keep kickin' ass, Dorian. You rock! 🤘🖤
That's so awesome I hope when I get older I can this confident with myself
@@ameliap0ndd Thank you! I bet you will be. ❤️
Same, I looked the most normal when I was homeless and strung out, because I needed to be able to move through the world more easily in order to shoplift and not attract police attention while doing drug deals etc
Thanks for the little tiny piece of hope.
@@JC-yy8iv Exactly, Justin! I hope you're in a better place now, literally. 🤘🖤
ok but.... same. My aspie ass trying to fit in with anything is the death of me
ok but now for real, past decade was me in bed not moving and not coping with ANYTHING. I had lost my first partner and I was dealing with all of that YEARS after it happened ahah. Was smuggling alcohol under my bed to drink during the night (thats the only time I was active), and lost all my friends to terrible alcohol induced dumbassery. Now I'm a happy non binary femme that loves taking things slow BC I REALIZED I'M AN ASPIE. The diagnosis saves lives
@@OpheliaDegenerate
💗 Fucking facts! 💗
💞🖤💞
Me. I don’t have a style. I know what I’m not but I don’t know where I would fit in but luckily I never care . I know I’m not goth but. No such thing as normal but being neurodivergent. Was misdiagnosed as many things and was told lazy and depressed but I’m not I’m just sensory processing and autistic
I very rarely drink but when I do I’ve noticed I use it as a socializing tool or a relaxation tool which is not necessarily a healthy idea
Perhaps this is wildly off topic, but this reminds me of my "but I'm not trans!" phase. I convinced myself that if I tried harder to be "pretty" that I'd stop hating the way that I looked, and after I started paying attention to fashion and what "complemented my body type/ face shape" I was unable to recognize myself- I started dissociating 24/7, and even though that person looked "pretty", I didn't know who it was that I was looking at in the mirror. I thought that I was "bad at being a girl", but being a girl was the whole problem, yeah? I'm much happier now, to the point where relatives that I rarely see have commented on it.
I'm glad you're happier now! I've heard of that being something that a lot of trans people do, ftm's going hyer-feminine or mtf's going hyper-masculine. But again, I'm happy you're doing better :)
It happened to me too, I thought if I tried being real manly, wearing big boxy jeans, going fishing with my Dad and to pubs for dinner in the evening. Shit like that. Even tried Karate... I also have Autism spectrum disorder. So it built up and built up without me paying attention...Until I had several different kinds of crisises.
Like, I dropped out of college, my dysphoria spiked immensly, I was so sad and anxious I was becoming sick...
But hey now I'm becoming a goth girl and I'm finally comfortable with myself.
As a trans, I can completely relate to this and I'm so happy that you're doing better! Keep going man, you can do it
As somebody with autism I completely relate to seeing a body in my mirror and knowing you live in it but just not connecting it to yourself, recently I’ve been trying new things out stylistically and its been helping a lot! (Not saying thats a cureall, just going on a tangent)
Yes oh my god i had the exact same experience!!! Like, i could tell that i was moderately attractive but i really did not see the person in the mirror as myself. It was a very weird dissonance and i'm glad i dont experience it anymore
I had this moment when I turned thirty, when I decided that it was the moment to behave like an adult and have a child. Because bring a life to this world not because you want it but because it's what's you're suposed to do it's such a great idea that doesn't make feel both parents and children miserable whatsover. Fortunately, my boyfriend said no. A decade later, I don't have kids, and I can only think what the hell I was thinking. It would have been a disaster.
I can relate super hard... I’m divorced now and glad didn’t bring children into this world.
Seems like a lot of us have experienced a depressing normal phase in our early adulthood, trying to be an adult, get a normal job and generally fit in. I experienced this too, when I was 22-23 and was working as a sales consultant in a big company. I was losing myself during that period, I was trying to be another person and like you said, it was fake. I'm glad I returned to my old and true self.
Mine was for the first 12 years of my life
@@sadc6033 ok everyone was "normal" as a kid, no one was born dressed in black and listening to the sisters of mercy 😂
I had my straight preppy girl phase at 15 💀 no hate to people who like living that way but it was NOT for me
@@dafnikem only if you have boring parents
@@ponygrrrl congrats you're so unique 👏
you're such a strong person it makes me feel like whatever i'm dealing with i can get through it. much love to you
Agreed!!✌️✌️
An hour and a half to unwind?? An hour and a half?? Oh man. When I was a kid I remember having disagreements with my best friend because I needed entire weekends to myself.
Ahhh I’m a 23 year old living at home after an 11 year battle with mental health and feeling sooo shit about it and like I have to be an adult. When you said it’s okay you’re so young it literally made me smile 🥺❤️
"...and then I had to feed my horse," that got me rolling. Great story and glad you choose the healthier path for you! :)
The funny thing is, at least to me, even the “Normal” phase looks off on you, you looked like a goth who went on one of those shows where they have to get a shitty makeover to be normal and they just cosplay as a regular person. It doesn’t actually look ordinary, it looks like a fun person faking it, which technically is what happened lol
@New Jack City I suppose everyone has different opinions on these things lol
@newjackcity7862 And you'd look better if you kept your mouth ✨shut✨
This is so relatable. I'm only 22, but I remember spending periods in my life attempting to be a feminine girly 'normal' girl. But those were the times I was struggling the most and had the darkest thoughts of myself. Being myself has been the hardest thing I've ever done but it's the only way to live honestly - and my self worth is shit but better than any time I pretended to be someone i wasnt
I feel like I’m close to going through something like this. I’m a straight guy who likes “feminine” things, I’ve had a long fascination with androgyny. The problem is mainly my toxic family, my grandma tries to say that I’m “confused” and my grandpa assumes that I’m gay just because I like “Women’s” clothes and makeup. They try to make seem as if something is wrong with me because they think that they’re telling “the truth”, it literally feels like it’s no different from bullying and I don’t feel like I’m acknowledged as a person. It’s like they just constantly shove their beliefs down my throat, I’m so fucking depressed rn.
Well said!
@@dejuanmoore2064 huh. I’m a lesbian but two weeks ago after a pretty bad trip, I realized that me hating my tits wasn’t just because of my sexuality. So, now I have to unpack a lot of the not hatred but distaste I have for men and realizing it is so liberating but infuriating because I like being femininity, I have no problem with it but a lot of the things I dislike about guys and masculinity is mainly a projection of my own insecurities. That and even though I do consider myself a feminists, the TERFs have a way of getting into your head even if you know it’s wrong. Never mind my family disapproving. I hope after a year thing got better, lovely.
@@dejuanmoore2064 I can relate and understand that. I am so sorry that happened and it is not our fault for this at all.
You look like a beautiful mythical fairy rn. I’d enjoy that more than being “normal”
This video was kind of a slap in the face of realization. I did the same thing with trying to be more "adult" without consciously knowing I was slowly leaving my spooky interest behind. I was trying to work in the medical field in 2007 and, no one wanted to hire me because of my piercings and hair color. I tried to change myself into something more presentable. For the past two years I've been feeling in my soul that something has been missing. Maybe I just need to let my bat wings loose again.
The normalcy period is so tru oh my gosh during the peak of my eating disorder, obsessive self harm, and nicotine addiction I was this cutesy little girl with all As and lots of volunteer hours. Now I have the same grades, less stress, edgy as hell, lots of muscle, and have gotten to a point where I can put my abusive ex girlfriend behind and am ready to be in a healthy committed relationship
yes
It kills me dressing in my work uniform. I always try to wear one accessory that other weirdos might recognize as crying out of "im not normal please talk weird things with me imma die here but I like having moneeeyyyyy"
omg, I have some duties at my job where I need to come in wearing a uniform, and other duties where I get to dress pretty much how I want. I feel soooo much less like myself when I’m wearing a polo shirt lol
Normal, blonde, cardigan wearing? Nope we don't know her x
12:35 that’s exactly how I feel. I suffer from both and I’d pick depression over anxiety any day. They’re both terrible, but anxiety makes everything a living hell
They’re both miserable, but one is miserable AND overwhelming
I actually needed to hear this. I'e "gone normal" before and was miserable as s*it and am noticing my self going normal again, for all the wrong reasons and thinking "oh well, maybe this time it is good...". Stop, girl, it will not be good
It's truly amazing how many Goths seem to go through similar issues. That need to be "normal", which just makes us more miserable and sends us spiraling. I'm so happy for you (and other fellow bats) who have found and embraced their true selves. 🦇🖤🦇
I'd love to see more drug experiences. I am mad shitless that youtube demonetizes those kind of videos because they are my favourite to watch from you.
Agree
Yeah I agree! I'm a recovering addict (I still struggle with certain things like alcohol, weed and suboxone. I'm on benzos but those are prescribed for PTSD and anxiety. I'm on disability for that and my bipolar disorder.) but I don't abuse those. Man, I wish I had them when I was big into cocaine cuz that comedown is GNARLY!
@@hollywood2499 you have to give everything up, otherwise you'll just get addicted to to all the other substances
@@BillSikes. NOT TRUE! I'm not "addicted" to weed or alcohol AT ALL. I can go weeks and sometimes even months without touching either of them. Now suboxone I'm PHYSICALLY DEPENDENT ON, but I'm not sticking a needle in my arm 20 times or more a day or stealing or selling my body for my next hit so it's better than being addicted to heroin and cocaine. Suboxone has kept me clean the last 7 years. Everybody has THEIR OWN WAY OF STAYING CLEAN. Don't judge somebody elses way of doing things when you don't live their life!
@@hollywood2499 I speak from experience, it sounds to me like you'll always need something or other to prop you up, I wouldn't of been happy with this myself, I wanted to recover from everything, I'm now free of everything and have never felt better, it wasn't easy so I threw myself into religion, I've since found answers that have Revolutionised my life, I really do feel I've been given a second chance.. Good luck
That paramedic was looking out for you. So many of them do care deeply about others. I remember the last time I was barely coming to and a little woman had so much strength holding my arm and lifting me up. She was a paramedic and I know she cared about me and many others.
You've walked a difficult path but you've walked it well. Keep going.
I am into goth music and aestetic since I was 15 years old and to be honest, I stopped wearing gothy and just black all the time about a year ago. I am 25 years old now and because I'm about to become a teacher, I began to dress more 'normally'. Like I started wearing blue Jeans, Grey, brown, even sometimes white... and tbh I'm still goth. I still listen to my goth music and go out to my favorite goth club. Eventhough I don't *dress* like a goth anymore, I still adore it and it always just feels like home to me. And I cannot get rid of my tattoos which I love anyway. But I have to say, that I'm feeling a lot better with my mental health compared to when I was 15 years old. I think my looks kind of reflect that. Nonetheless, I respect everyone's style and one should be able to express theirselves as they wish, without beeing labeled as normal *or* goth. You can kind of be both, if you ask me.
I get it. I feel goth on the inside. But really, I hate labels. Call me what you want. I feel what I feel, I'm gonna wear what I feel like wearing on whatever day I feel like wearing it. I feel the same about "transgender" I don't care what anyone calls me. I don't really care about my personality having a label
I didn't grow out of goth so much as tone it down and got lazy.
I never grew out of goth rather but thats because it came to the earben suberbers in the end of the1990 the year was 1998
straight out of college, I needed a job and managed to score one at a bank. Worked there for two years, and had to buy a while new section of my wardrobe to do so ("professional" clothes, normal pretty blouses, etc.) While it was a great resume builder, I finally left after two years there bc A) finance wasnt what I went to college for (it was graphic design) and B) it was incredibly soul sucking and I was getting depressed. Two years later, I now get to dress (mostly) how I want and get to use my creative muscles every day working in the marketing department of a tech company. I feel more "me" now than I ever did at the bank.
I’m just now coming out of the normality phase and I couldn’t be happier to return to my goth & alternative roots. I’m so much happier having reclaimed my right to self expression. It’s a real relief!
i'm 19. life seems pretty shitty, but you gave me hope with that video. especially the part where you said that you're happy now.
it takes a while. don't stress the phases.
Just gotta say you would be GREAT for narration. I can imagine you narrating a documentary or nature show
I was also "normal" for a while to be left alone by bullies. Some of the worst years of my life because I wasn't being myself. And then in adulthood it became trying to do what I "should" instead of what I really wanted. Lesson is trying to be someone else never works out very well. Trying to conform to expectations of what you "should be/do" instead of what is you will eat you from the inside.
this spoke to me on so many levels, i was too trying to be "normal" and it made me fucking miserable, honestly being an alt person pretty much saved my life, i love your story time videos!!
I can totally relate
Holy, I never realised we have some similarities. I was obsessed with short-hand dictation when I was in secondary school, but I never learnt it. I went into a "normie" phase for seven years at the beginning of my adult life which my mother and friends, also, think was the best era for me. However, those years were filled with illnesses, problems, toxic people, debt, and confusion. I wouldn't go back to it for the world. Goth pride. 🦇🦇🦇
What is up with going into a "normal" phase in your early twenties? That's exactly where I am rn, and even though I never was big into all the makeup, I feel like I dressed more ""edgier"" before. I don't wanna be normal.
I remember a phase where I was so depressed that I barely brushed my hair in the morning and everyone was just like: oh it's so good to see your face without all that makeup...
Edit: I have depression and anxiety and I'm actually "happier" on days where I just have depression, I know what you mean
Can relate to this on a being trans way. When I was most presenting as the gender I was assigned at birth it was the time I was the most depressed and most dysfunctional
SAAAME
You’ve literally made me feel not crazy, I’m 24 now diagnosed with Aspergers when I was 18 left school at 14 because I couldn’t cope I went through the breakdown of full time college when I turned 19/20 and work and just breaking myself wondering why i couldn’t do it like everyone else all while living with disordered eating and addictions I’m still lost right now not fully sure what I want and I feel overwhelmed at the idea of change and commitment to something new like what if I hate it I’m getting too old for this etc but you’ve given me hope, I relate to you much more than my therapists who think their education on a subject is comparable to lived life experience of their patients and I appreciate you and your content, I hope you’re doing well and staying safe ❤️
Every adult goth I know is so kind and such a warm personality.
And look where it lead to, now you're the most magical elvish Count Dracula on TH-cam! ♡
Being alive in 2023 is crazy. I’m only 20 years old and while my health isnt great for my age its still nothing to worry about, somehow I feel like I’m closer to death than I should be, because I outlived my own expectations. It was never a plan, I didn’t set a date, I never even wanted to unalive myself besides intrusive thoughts and some ideation. But there was a gut feeling I was not going to reach adulthood. I sometimes hate my younger self for killing me off, but I have to be proud that I outlived her predictions.
Of Herbs and Alters "I was so afraid of the bird flu".
Me: laughs in 2021
Watching this in August 2021 and finding the ending amusing- your fear of "bird 'flu" . 🤣
Little did we know...
Enjoying your content, very informative, even for a reasonably ordinary, very middle-class, middle-aged, divorced part time single mum.
i am an aspie too and i also had a normality phase around 2009 (i was still in school though) but something just seemed off about it.. like i couldn’t fit in with any actual normal people because what i became seemed much like a caricature of normal (didn’t quite know what to buy - i thought girly heels and an obnoxious sequin shirt both in bright teal would win over my peers but i just got bullied more!) and i don’t mean this offensively but this seems somewhat true in your normal phase too - sort of overly stereotypical like the kind of “normal” style you would see in hollywood movies i guess? i think for me at least it just came from not really understanding the way “normal” people operate, and it definitely felt like i was an alien trying to blend in! but i’m definitely much happier now being able to freely experiment with makeup and style choices and i’m glad you are too! 😊
That's cool that they could give you a formal diagnosis for Asperger's! I've been having this suspicion that it might also be why I have such a hard time with social relations, but in France it's supper complicated to get a diagnosis and almost impossible once you're an adult! And growing up in Romania, no one even acknowledged that such things existed, it would always be "oh she's too spoiled" instead...
When I was 17-20 & bulimic I also thought I'd die from it. Glad to be in a better place.
In the US, needing an ambulance & 2 week stay in a psych hospital cost me $3,500, you're lucky you have more socialized medicine where you are.
Goth for me was a way of rejecting all expectations of me when I was a teenager. I was always awkward, very introverted, nerdy and an ugly duckling. Every attempt to make myself more attractive with normality felt appalling. Goth gave me the freedom to be whomever I pleased, daily, and it was fun to diy and do eyeliner and discover the literature and music. I don't dress goth currently but I do art and listen to the music. I feel more free to do what ever I please and feel comfortable with. Rejecting normality was one of the best desicions I could have made at 13 years old.
My best friend died of an overdose, he was soeedballing (shooting heroin mixed with coke). His heart exploded. If you’re struggling with addiction I hope you see sobriety one day because you’re worth it. You’re strong enough and there is tons of support out there if you need it. Sending you a mom hug 🤗
You're the most incredible writer I've ever seen too. Books are so slow usually but your stories are so full of emotion and beauty no matter how dark the story is
24 was a similar time for me too. However I over-extended my need to grasp on to the seeming keeping going which led to a prolonged period of depression and stuckness which took another crisis in my early 40s to switch me to what I should have been doing all along. Ironically the phase you went through, albeit a painful one has perhaps enabled you to have a more nuanced and deeper association with your identity now rather than this being part of as yet undifferentiated extension of your younger self.
Life is tough in bridging the needs of self growth and fulfilment with meeting material needs. That may remain as a current challenge with you, however this is faced its important to value who you are whilst working that one out. Thanks for sharing this.
I get what you mean about adult goths... I had to give up my cool clothing for my job and to have a more tranquil live since I hate being the center of attention and certainly goth clothes don’t help... But I still have my book shelf dedicated to Poe and Lovecraft, my huge collection of horror films and goth music and my beloved goth paintings... When you are a true goth that never leaves you, even if you force yourself to look differently, and trying to deny it is the worst think you can do for your mental health contrary to “normies “ believes.
THANKS FOR THE VIDEO DUDE! IT WAS SOOOO MUCH NEEDED!
I definitely relate to throwing yourself into something and then trying to bring in bonus content to keep an otherwise mundane thing actually interesting! Also the only time I had a normal job was in a cafe. The social aspect was exhausting, and when the company was bought by a Crabby ol' Monday's/TGIF's type corporation it made it way worse. It was my worst year for productivity outside of work. Now I work from home as an artist and occasionally an editor. :)
"The social aspect is exhausting", yes. That's the crux of all this.
My "normality phase" was when I tried so hard to be a woman... (I'm a trans man.) I thought that if I perform femininity correctly, I'll become a "real" adult and my stress and anxiety about my future will go away. Of course, it didn't work, and I just got more miserable. It was only after I acknowledged my gender identity that my mental health started improving. And some people still think that the fake femininity is the real me...
By the way, funny that you "prefer" depression over anxiety. For me, it's vice versa. I can take anxiety any day because then, I can at least do something. When I'm depressed, I can't do anything.
When i have anxiety or depression i cant do anything
After wanting to be a skinny and polished-looking goth girl for all of my teen days, now that I actually feel somewhat happy and I like how I look (I did nothing to lose weight, just in case anyone wanted to compliment my efforts- which I don't like because thinness isn't a positive, just a characteristic) I want to get back into gothic/edgier clothing that shrouds me in darkness!
"Thinness isn't a positive, is a characteristic"
This really resonates with me right now because peoples comments are exactly the reason why a part of me HATES that I'm losing weight. "you look so good/so much better now!" bitch I looked good before too
like I'm not automatically prettier just because I'm slightly lighter
@@PrincessRainbowSparkles Exactly! Since I started gaining some confidence in my looks I started disliking how I looked instantly better just because I was 3 kg lighter. I was flattered by the """"compliments"""" at first because I was used to hating my body, but it didn't last long. In the end, we are the only ones whose opinion we should care about for these things, because no one is going to live in our bodies (unless we get to the point where brain transplant is a common practice XD).
@@PrincessRainbowSparkles For me, the joints are taking less punishment and thus it becomes a positive. But there's limits to how far one can go.
I have had a couple of "normal trying to keep everyone else happy phases" and after the break up of my last marriage I have fully embraced my true self 😊 it feels amazing to be happy with my dark self and not giving a hoot what anybody else thinks. Totally relate to looking at old photos and knowing how fucked up you are behind the smiles and "normal" clothes.
"The way to cope with the adult world is to become a different person"
That's exactly what I've been trying to convince myself for the past few years, same age as you were then... I relate to this so so much :')
Lisbeth Salander is my role model. As an aspie girl myself, I related to her so much as well as was inspired by her way of dealing with her trauma. I remember being in the psych ward the first time I read the first book, and after that, reading the books got me through some hard times. I'm no-where NEAR as badass as she is, but she's an inspiration for sure.
So crazy how our families would rather us be seemingly ok than have the mind space to handle the truth behind what's seemingly
I love your brutal honesty, it's admirable quite frankly.
I tried being normal at various retail job, but what ended up happening is I would stress tf out, and get into a self-sabotage spiral.
I work at an amazing goth store in NYC, and I love everyone who works there.
The fact that you rounded off this video - posted at the end of February 2020 - by reflecting on the H1N1 thing and then declaring how happy you are in 2020 is crazy to me. Hope you/yours are coping alright given the insanity of the current pandemic.
Yeah I had a normal phase too but I grow out of it 🙃
👏
I definitely did not think I would live this long.
I feel this too, when I dressed like a normal person it was at the point where my mental illness was at it's worst and I just didn't feel like myself at all. I'm still picking up the pieces of normality 4 years later. Remember kids don't do normal. Just say no to a warped image of yourself.
only do normal if normal is you
Moral of the story: Don't fall for the pretentious façade of adulthood, all you need is to learn to be responsible.
I can relate to having a "normality phase". It started because of my ex who I was with for many years. He became embarrassed to be seen with me due to me dressing goth. It was a very hard time. I changed, big time. I also felt like ok, maybe this is what I am supposed to do? And "grow up"? Many more years later, got away from this horrible person who never accepted me and I returned to the goth community. My interests never changed, and he hated them. But I could finally be me again.
I relate to this 10000%
I can relate to this so much. When I was 23 I suddenly started my "responsible adult" phase. I worked at an office I was too weird for, so I ended up diligently hiding all personal details about myself from my colleagues and pretending to be normal. I also tried so hard to catch up with more experienced adults, that I was constantly forcing myself to work and think and learn, putting tons of stress on myself. Hiding my personality caused me to spiral into constant anxiety and chronic insomnia. It all resolved fairly quickly when I finally quit and became an independent artist. I still have some of those office clothes though, I cringe every time I find them in my wardrobe. Not being myself is some of the hardest shit I ever dealt with, you actually start to forget the person you are while you're pretending.
My last decade I had to start life over. Widowed, moved 3 times, fought for disability, financial woes and taking forever to fix up house. Need another vehicle. I just want to relax for a change. 3 hours of doing anything is a good day. Being young was rough but now totally responsible for everything myself and realize then it was a piece of cake. So many died and just moved away from it all. Tired.
I used to be an editor and accountant. Never really finished writing a book. Tried.
The way you described anxiety vs. depression is spot on. Anxiety fucks you up so much more than depression.
Whooo the bit about bird flu is something to watch in May of 2021 lol.
im turning 20 this year and everyone feels like theyre better faster etc than me. i am very far from drugs i can actually only handle one glass of wine but my need to be perfect is killing me.
videos like that make me feel better about "not being there yet"
tho obviously i love the way u tell stories :)
...oh god DUDE, DUDE. I am where you used to be, I do not like where I work (big corporate multinational thingy), i'm trying to study in the break and study when i get home, and the commute is time consuming and its just eating away at me, I have a mini breakdown every night and its awful. Holy fuck I relate so much.
"And If you're an aspi you know you don't deal well with change" and yet here I am again changing everything in my life all at once. It's as if I like to make myself go in to a melt down.
i like change, just only change in a good mental state.
What's sn aspi?
@@ellenorbjornsdottir1166 this is very true!
I bought myself facial piercings for Christmas. It was the first time id given any care to myself in 5 years. It was really a turning point.
I dressed goth in high school, but I became so depressed afterward that I practically lived in sweatpants.
The piercings were a big event, like I was deciding I was worth the effort.
relatable
You kinda remind me of Raven from teen Titans in this video lol
I used to be alternative, for like 12 years of my life, and then "I matured" and started to "dress lile and adult" and after 2 years I feel like my life is horrible, i'm suffering from anxiety and depression. I'm trying to go back to my "normal" me and it's being very difficult...
hi how r u now? hope ur doing better!!
@@sophiarojas1659 aw that's very sweet! I'm doing alright, I have my ups and downs. I've also allowed myself to be however I want to be when I feel like it! Thanks for asking 💜
This is so true. When I dress to impress myself I’m happy. When I dress to impress others I’m depressed.
“I even tried injecting Ritalin.” I died laughing bc boy have I been there with adderall like an idiot. I tried injecting fucking clonazepam once too just to inject anything. (I am/was an opioid addict, I’m not 4 years clean) but even remembering these asinine things I’d do gives me goosebumps now.
I had a degree in the medical field, worked the job for 2 years. It was the absolute worst experience of my entire life, and my family just couldn't understand why I didn't want to do it anymore. I resonate so hard with this story in terms of trying to become a different person to adult
This almost made me cry because it’s true, the only time I stopped caring about my appearance was when my mental illness was it’s worst, and I’m slowing getting back into it but I’m worried I won’t find my comfort career looking the way I do, it’s awful. I’m pretty confident I’m autistic and I just can’t get life right I’m stressed everyday
We've been encouraging our daughters to wait until they are absolutely sure to move out and that they can move back if need be.
If you’ve done well and with enough luck they’ll find the idea repulsive and will try their best to start building their own home!
@@LiusilaUpdate: All but one have their own place!
Ever since my dad passed I’ve completely shed the things that make me happy. It even started a little before that when I was no longer doing my make-up and I wouldn't change my clothes. It only got worse over the years but when my dad passed away everyone just choose to see how well I was doing but not hear what was actually going on. All they see is me living on my own, paying my own bills, getting myself to work and driving. Not realizing how hard every one of those things is for me. How, I'm getting to the point of being aftaid of everything and not wanting to go outside. Regretting every second I spent getting out of bed and ignoring my consent desire to die.
I'm 34, still a Goth and had such a "normal" Phase as well after getting out of school. Well not really normal, since in my freetime I was just myself. But at work? It killed me to not be myself and has been ever since in all the jobs I had.
I'm one of those people that have no idea what to do to earn money without getting driven into madness. It is hard though, but at least I stopped pretending to be someone I'm not.
So if I ever have a job interview again, they have to take me how I am, with Piercings, black clothes and tattoos. I will not hide.
Being a writer also sounds amazing, but like you I have no idea what I would write about