My husband is very kind. Not controlling. Very happy in his life because he's got everything he needs. He's got liver disease and was a 40 yr. Alcoholic. When I met him, he was fun, very sexual, communicative. He stopped drinking about 2 years into the relationship. Slowly his libido left. He seems inhibited and non sexual and the Alcohol released his inhibitions. He has a bad family background. He seems attached to me like a toddler. I live with him like a roommate and frankly, he is incapable of change. He says he loves me but I need way more than words.
I think this happens (also) when one person marries someone who wasn't their "first choice" or someone they aren't attracted to, but is a safe provider choice.
I have to push back on your comment a bit. Does emotional intimacy come out of physical attraction? I don't think so. My thinking is that it comes out of shared life experiences, going through ups and downs together and sharing your thoughts, feelings, and emotions together. None of that is based on physical attraction. Am I misunderstanding your point?
You know I said that my next relationship i would expect marriage, if I’m good enough to live with I’m good enough to marry I am married to a man who has had two main relationships before me and I don’t know if I’m suffering this but it is not done consciously to me I happen to have the same name as his mother of his children who sadly died young and around 28 years ago and he then went out with a woman who he was/ could still be trauma bonded with but he doesn’t acknowledge the damage that she has caused in our relationship because she is always is mentioned in arguments and he makes derogatory remarks about me saying that I am worse than her I don’t have any excuses for his behaviour anymore he’s hot and cold he can just switch off or switch me off and tune out and that hurts
@@dylanmilksthat sometimes happens with trauma bonding,when people meet and get close through their shared experiences which are traumatic and the pain is what is mistaken for intimacy
This happened in my relationship. Our relationship started in our early 20’s which was mostly physical. Maybe some trauma bonding. I wanted more- more emotional bonding (talking,connection). Later in our relationship, that need grew and he eventually couldn’t give and his behaviour got worse. I didn’t know what was going on. This makes sense. Thanks for the info,
Your welcome and I'm sad to hear that your marriage has suffered with this. You can get healing and support for yourself or for the two of you in spite of this. Call Heart To Heart Counseling Center at 719-278-3708 and my team can schedule you with a therapist trained in intimacy anorexia. You can do an individual session, couples session, or consider the intensive program which provides a lot of counseling over the course of 3 or 5 days. If he is willing, the two of you could watch the Intimacy Anorexia DVD to provide better understanding on intimacy anorexia. www.drdougweiss.com/product/intimacy-anorexia-video-download/ You can check out the Married and Alone book/DVD which would help validate what you have gone through and provide guidance. www.drdougweiss.com/product/married-alone-ebook/ www.drdougweiss.com/product/married-alone-video-download/ You can also join our Married and Alone Facebook group as well: facebook.com/groups/MarriedandAlone/
I think ( believe) alot of these problems in marriage or because either one or the other just really don't love wholeheartedly the partner ! I see it in my relationship
I agree. I suspect that some spouses have never been in love and don't plan on ever really feeling or falling for anyone. I can't relate to those types at all.
I feel so stupid! I’ve been divorced for 4 yrs & I’m still talking about it. My 30 yr marriage was real for me! My love for him was real! I’m angry at myself for not loving myself enough… For I didn’t know what blindsided me…I’m still mourning something that was & something that should have been! But now my mind is is whole…Being alone is the most peaceful that I’ve ever been, however my love for him hasn’t gone away just bcz I was able to put a label on what happened to me for 30 yrs… please pray for my healing & for me to find real love!
I'm sorry that you've gone through this. If you need support, you can contact our office at 719-278-3708 and book a session with one of our counselors who will help you walk through the healing process.
What is the best way to broach this topic with a husband who won't take any responsability for the problems in the marriage and doesn't want the wife to point out any of his issues?
Attempt to frame it as a problem that is his to own and be responsible for, that it IS and will continue negatively effecting his life. You might be enabling, I did and didn't realize. If there is no desire for anything different, there isn't much an external person can do other than limit their own exposure.
I have been married for 25 years. I started behaving like this almost right away. My wife has been on the receiving end. I want to get better but I don't know how. How do you stop looking for excuses for your behavior and change it instead?
Know that ego is hiding things from you, playing games with and running you. It is slick, and will dismiss things that could undermine its grip on your behavior. Know that you are already accepted and appreciated by her. Making her the other is not necessary, she wants to love you. She wants to see you in a positive light. Manage your perspective of her, learn cognitive distortions and get really curious about what tricks your mind is playing. Your reality is not the same as hers, curiosity about the whole thing helps a lot.
Highly recommend David Richo "how to be an adult in relationships" and his five A's, as well as Terry Real's work, pretty much anything he has written.
I'm sorry that you are dealing with this, your pain is real. You can get scheduled with one of our counselors/coaches if you need to talk to someone. Call 719-278-3708 to get started. You can also join our Married & Alone Facebook support group too: facebook.com/groups/MarriedandAlone/
No shit. But he's specifically talking about marriage. If you need information about other types of intimacy issues in other kinds of relationships...then find a different video. This is about intimacy anorexia in a MARRIAGE.
You haven't covered the person who is dysfunctional and enjoys the cruelty of control over their spouse, and inflicting pain on them by withholding affection and everything that comes with it..
My ex bf sex addict - he would withhold sex & pleasure himself several times a day - so when I wanted to have sex, he didn’t want to - then made up stupid excuses like it’s gonna take too long. You can’t orgasm. I’m not gonna start something I can’t finish. - I’ve never had a man ever act like this ! He dumped me and then told me he didn’t wanna be loving with me anymore. But wanted sex after we broke up - I said no That really hurt me. 😢 Very confusing I’m a sex and love addict and he totally totally triggered me when he would withhold sex 😢 Crazy We are not speaking because he got jealous of me, speaking to other men one night at a bar - totally innocent on my part I was the only one that could understand him because I know what it’s like because that’s where I’m at
I'm sorry to hear how much you have struggled with this, both with the addictions and with your last relationship. It sounds like you might also be dealing with some betrayal trauma from your ex. If you're interested, you can call our office at 719-278-3708 to make an appointment with one of our certified therapists will walk with you through this and heal. We have a book called Partner Betrayal Trauma that would validate what you have experienced in your last relationship, along with the pain and trauma that you are currently experiencing: www.drdougweiss.com/product/partner-betrayal-trauma-book/ Regarding the sex addiction, you can check out the She Has a Secret ebook and Secret Solutions workbook: www.drdougweiss.com/product/she-has-a-secret-understanding-female-sexual-addiction-ebook/ www.drdougweiss.com/product/secret-solutions-ebook/
These are just the most common reasons. I would also suggest you look up schizoid personality disorder to see if that fits. You would be experiencing the same thing if this is the case.
Shame, for any reason, resulting in fear of being authentic or being "known" and being rejected for it. Also, any belief that subconsciously prohibits them from giving love to themselves or a significant other. These are often buried and require confronting the trigger situations that put them in flight mode.
As an example, I was married to a man who --- when returning home after a date night or enjoyable time together that might lead to sexual intimacy --- would suddenly have a compulsion to check work emails or create a distraction, even picking fights with me about some trivial matter, to kill the amorous mood and avoid sex. Why? His father had abandoned the family for a passionate public affair, and as a pre-teen he'd concluded his own, very normal sexual urges were somehow bad, dangerous or out of control. He'd developed an addiction to suppressing his sexual desires as a means of controlling anxiety and fear of abandonment. As with food anorexia, sexual anorexia is an addiction and compensation for shame and to feel safe and in control of your own body when you have no other control over the abusive or neglectful environment you're in. I'm sure there are 1000 variations on this.
Insightful! "As with food anorexia, sexual anorexia is an addiction and compensation for shame and to feel safe and in control of your own body when you have no other control over the abusive or neglectful environment you're in." I had eating disordered behaviors in high school; for me it was absolutely a lack of control in my own life and it made me feel better to so closely control my own body in that way.
In situations like these, it is important to believe behavior. If they are willing to get help, if they are actively doing the work to stop withholding and become more intimate, if they are being accountable to someone on their journey, you will see the fruit and change in them. However, if they are unwilling, if they make little to no effort in getting better/ healing, then they will most likely not change. If you need help and support regarding this, you can make an appointment with one of our counselors specialized in intimacy anorexia at 719-278-3708.
I'm sorry to hear that you are experiencing this in your marriage, as well as the pain and frustration that you are struggling with. Your feelings are valid. If you need support in anyway, please consider contacting our office at 719-278-3708 and booking an appointment with one of our therapists to help you through this. You might also find the Married & Alone book and workbook useful to validate what you are experiencing and provide understanding and guidance on the matter. www.drdougweiss.com/product/married-alone-book/ www.drdougweiss.com/product/married-alone-healing-exercises-workbook/
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My husband is very kind. Not controlling. Very happy in his life because he's got everything he needs. He's got liver disease and was a 40 yr. Alcoholic. When I met him, he was fun, very sexual, communicative. He stopped drinking about 2 years into the relationship. Slowly his libido left. He seems inhibited and non sexual and the Alcohol released his inhibitions. He has a bad family background. He seems attached to me like a toddler. I live with him like a roommate and frankly, he is incapable of change. He says he loves me but I need way more than words.
That describes my husband to a T. Found out he was a porn addict
Run if you can and if you want a marriage with true intimacy.
I think this happens (also) when one person marries someone who wasn't their "first choice" or someone they aren't attracted to, but is a safe provider choice.
I have to push back on your comment a bit. Does emotional intimacy come out of physical attraction? I don't think so. My thinking is that it comes out of shared life experiences, going through ups and downs together and sharing your thoughts, feelings, and emotions together. None of that is based on physical attraction.
Am I misunderstanding your point?
Me too, honestly.
You know I said that my next relationship i would expect marriage, if I’m good enough to live with I’m good enough to marry
I am married to a man who has had two main relationships before me and I don’t know if I’m suffering this but it is not done consciously to me
I happen to have the same name as his mother of his children who sadly died young and around 28 years ago and he then went out with a woman who he was/ could still be trauma bonded with but he doesn’t acknowledge the damage that she has caused in our relationship because she is always is mentioned in arguments and he makes derogatory remarks about me saying that I am worse than her
I don’t have any excuses for his behaviour anymore he’s hot and cold he can just switch off or switch me off and tune out and that hurts
@@dylanmilksthat sometimes happens with trauma bonding,when people meet and get close through their shared experiences which are traumatic and the pain is what is mistaken for intimacy
I can tell you first hand that my mother bribed me into marrying my husband.
This happened in my relationship. Our relationship started in our early 20’s which was mostly physical. Maybe some trauma bonding. I wanted more- more emotional bonding (talking,connection). Later in our relationship, that need grew and he eventually couldn’t give and his behaviour got worse. I didn’t know what was going on. This makes sense. Thanks for the info,
Your welcome and I'm sad to hear that your marriage has suffered with this. You can get healing and support for yourself or for the two of you in spite of this.
Call Heart To Heart Counseling Center at 719-278-3708 and my team can schedule you with a therapist trained in intimacy anorexia. You can do an individual session, couples session, or consider the intensive program which provides a lot of counseling over the course of 3 or 5 days.
If he is willing, the two of you could watch the Intimacy Anorexia DVD to provide better understanding on intimacy anorexia.
www.drdougweiss.com/product/intimacy-anorexia-video-download/
You can check out the Married and Alone book/DVD which would help validate what you have gone through and provide guidance.
www.drdougweiss.com/product/married-alone-ebook/
www.drdougweiss.com/product/married-alone-video-download/
You can also join our Married and Alone Facebook group as well: facebook.com/groups/MarriedandAlone/
I think ( believe) alot of these problems in marriage or because either one or the other just really don't love wholeheartedly the partner ! I see it in my relationship
I agree. I suspect that some spouses have never been in love and don't plan on ever really feeling or falling for anyone. I can't relate to those types at all.
I thought i was the one with intimacy anorexia. This video helped me realize that mine is actually reactive.
I feel so stupid! I’ve been divorced for 4 yrs & I’m still talking about it. My 30 yr marriage was real for me!
My love for him was real! I’m angry at myself for not loving myself enough… For I didn’t know what blindsided me…I’m still mourning something that was & something that should have been!
But now my mind is is whole…Being alone is the most peaceful that I’ve ever been, however my love for him hasn’t gone away just bcz I was able to put a label on what happened to me for 30 yrs… please pray for my healing & for me to find real love!
I'm sorry that you've gone through this. If you need support, you can contact our office at 719-278-3708 and book a session with one of our counselors who will help you walk through the healing process.
What is the best way to broach this topic with a husband who won't take any responsability for the problems in the marriage and doesn't want the wife to point out any of his issues?
Attempt to frame it as a problem that is his to own and be responsible for, that it IS and will continue negatively effecting his life. You might be enabling, I did and didn't realize.
If there is no desire for anything different, there isn't much an external person can do other than limit their own exposure.
Idk if any of us like someone else "pointing out our issues."
Could look into Marshall Rosenberg's non-violent communication.
Don't let 'troubles' in the marriage interfere in your sex life. Don't withhold.
I have been married for 25 years. I started behaving like this almost right away. My wife has been on the receiving end. I want to get better but I don't know how. How do you stop looking for excuses for your behavior and change it instead?
Know that ego is hiding things from you, playing games with and running you. It is slick, and will dismiss things that could undermine its grip on your behavior. Know that you are already accepted and appreciated by her. Making her the other is not necessary, she wants to love you. She wants to see you in a positive light. Manage your perspective of her, learn cognitive distortions and get really curious about what tricks your mind is playing. Your reality is not the same as hers, curiosity about the whole thing helps a lot.
Highly recommend David Richo "how to be an adult in relationships" and his five A's, as well as Terry Real's work, pretty much anything he has written.
Find a therapist, they will hold you accountable
My husband made feel like I have a problem and he doesn't want to sex with me and feel alone and don't feel attractive anymore and it's really hurt 😢
I want to have sex with him but he only touches me once a month and even twice a month
I'm sorry that you are dealing with this, your pain is real. You can get scheduled with one of our counselors/coaches if you need to talk to someone. Call 719-278-3708 to get started. You can also join our Married & Alone Facebook support group too:
facebook.com/groups/MarriedandAlone/
Also not all have had childhood trauma
People have a free will I have experienced many people with this refuse to acknowledge or change
Intimacy anoxia = covert narc.
Or sadist
True😢
Narcissist is unable to love ! Don’t be a codependent , get out
This was eye opening and helped me gain understanding. Thank you 🙏
Intimacy anorexia is a coping mechanism driven by multiple variables.
Some of this is just from too much baggage that one hasnt ever healed from. You can't heal if you dont want healing.
Thank you, Dr Weiss. Your vids have been EXTREMELY HELPFUL to me.🙏🏻❤
Thank you for this video but this isn't limited by marriage and romantic relationships many other relationships suffer this
No shit. But he's specifically talking about marriage. If you need information about other types of intimacy issues in other kinds of relationships...then find a different video. This is about intimacy anorexia in a MARRIAGE.
20 years for me
He lost his prostrate and has had no desire for intimacy
We are in our 60’s now and there’s no hope in site
I'm going on 15, am past 60, and unable to reconcile that he has robbed me of my years.
You haven't covered the person who is dysfunctional and enjoys the cruelty of control over their spouse, and inflicting pain on them by withholding affection and everything that comes with it..
Mine has been this way since the first time offended him
...and there are many layers of intimacy. 🙏🏼
My ex bf sex addict - he would withhold sex & pleasure himself several times a day - so when I wanted to have sex, he didn’t want to - then made up stupid excuses like it’s gonna take too long. You can’t orgasm. I’m not gonna start something I can’t finish. - I’ve never had a man ever act like this !
He dumped me and then told me he didn’t wanna be loving with me anymore.
But wanted sex after we broke up - I said no
That really hurt me. 😢
Very confusing
I’m a sex and love addict and he totally totally triggered me when he would withhold sex 😢
Crazy
We are not speaking because he got jealous of me, speaking to other men one night at a bar - totally innocent on my part
I was the only one that could understand him because I know what it’s like because that’s where I’m at
I'm sorry to hear how much you have struggled with this, both with the addictions and with your last relationship. It sounds like you might also be dealing with some betrayal trauma from your ex. If you're interested, you can call our office at 719-278-3708 to make an appointment with one of our certified therapists will walk with you through this and heal.
We have a book called Partner Betrayal Trauma that would validate what you have experienced in your last relationship, along with the pain and trauma that you are currently experiencing: www.drdougweiss.com/product/partner-betrayal-trauma-book/
Regarding the sex addiction, you can check out the She Has a Secret ebook and Secret Solutions workbook:
www.drdougweiss.com/product/she-has-a-secret-understanding-female-sexual-addiction-ebook/
www.drdougweiss.com/product/secret-solutions-ebook/
❤ thank you
Valuable information!
I'm glad you liked it!
Are those the only causes of the issue? I think my husband has this but i don’t think any of these fit him…
These are just the most common reasons. I would also suggest you look up schizoid personality disorder to see if that fits. You would be experiencing the same thing if this is the case.
Shame, for any reason, resulting in fear of being authentic or being "known" and being rejected for it. Also, any belief that subconsciously prohibits them from giving love to themselves or a significant other. These are often buried and require confronting the trigger situations that put them in flight mode.
As an example, I was married to a man who --- when returning home after a date night or enjoyable time together that might lead to sexual intimacy --- would suddenly have a compulsion to check work emails or create a distraction, even picking fights with me about some trivial matter, to kill the amorous mood and avoid sex. Why? His father had abandoned the family for a passionate public affair, and as a pre-teen he'd concluded his own, very normal sexual urges were somehow bad, dangerous or out of control. He'd developed an addiction to suppressing his sexual desires as a means of controlling anxiety and fear of abandonment. As with food anorexia, sexual anorexia is an addiction and compensation for shame and to feel safe and in control of your own body when you have no other control over the abusive or neglectful environment you're in. I'm sure there are 1000 variations on this.
Insightful!
"As with food anorexia, sexual anorexia is an addiction and compensation for shame and to feel safe and in control of your own body when you have no other control over the abusive or neglectful environment you're in."
I had eating disordered behaviors in high school; for me it was absolutely a lack of control in my own life and it made me feel better to so closely control my own body in that way.
How do you tell if your partner doesn't want to heal
In situations like these, it is important to believe behavior. If they are willing to get help, if they are actively doing the work to stop withholding and become more intimate, if they are being accountable to someone on their journey, you will see the fruit and change in them. However, if they are unwilling, if they make little to no effort in getting better/ healing, then they will most likely not change.
If you need help and support regarding this, you can make an appointment with one of our counselors specialized in intimacy anorexia at 719-278-3708.
I have it like this with my husband thats why I have think he is unfaithful to me
I'm sorry to hear that you are experiencing this in your marriage, as well as the pain and frustration that you are struggling with. Your feelings are valid.
If you need support in anyway, please consider contacting our office at 719-278-3708 and booking an appointment with one of our therapists to help you through this.
You might also find the Married & Alone book and workbook useful to validate what you are experiencing and provide understanding and guidance on the matter.
www.drdougweiss.com/product/married-alone-book/
www.drdougweiss.com/product/married-alone-healing-exercises-workbook/
@@DrDougWeiss thank you so much
Watch the video, don’t bother reading the comments.