So, You Married A Narcissist - Now What ? | Dr. Les Carter and Leslie Vernick
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 5 ก.ย. 2024
- Episode 15 - Mad.In.Love podcast with Dr. David Hawkins
Today we are hosting a panel of special guests, Dr. Les Carter, Leslie Vernick and Sharmen Kimbrough. We will be talking about what it’s like to be married to a narcissist, which in essence, is to feel unknown, unheard and unimportant. They talk about the unhealthy, crazy dynamics of an emotionally abusive relationship in which you feel like you’re drowning and there is no one to throw you a lifeline. Listen in to hear their advice on what to do if you find yourself in this situation.
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Dr. Hawkins and his team of experts offer education and professional training as well as treatment for narcissistic and emotional abuse.
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About
The internet is inundated with hyperbole and misinformation about narcissism, leaving many people confused and hopeless. Get the facts about narcissism and emotional abuse from someone who has been researching, writing about and treating narcissism and emotional abuse for over a decade.
Dr. Hawkins is a best-selling author and clinical psychologist with over three decades of experience helping people break unhealthy patterns and build healthier relationships. He is the founder and director of the Marriage Recovery Center and the Emotional Abuse Institute which offers education, training and counseling for people who want to break free of, and heal from, emotional abuse.
Whether the perpetrator of the abuse is your spouse, partner, parent, boss, friend or family member, we offer practical advice for anyone trapped in a toxic, destructive relationship. In addition to narcissism & emotional abuse, topics include covert, reactive, spiritual, secondary, relationship trauma and more.
#narcissistic #narcissist #narcissistic
A preacher told me, “ Marriage can be the closest to heaven or hell that you can get.” He is so right.
Currently in hell! Feels just like it actually
Unfortunately, that is very accurate 😕
Cheating is wrong . Narcs take advange of that
Mines his HELL
I stopped trying to be heard. I spent 15 years of trying. One day I cried out to Jesus, gave my life to him, gave it all to him. He hears me, I no longer need my husband to hear me. My husband can’t figure out what has happened.
Totally get it. Mine only hears what he wants to hear. He is the most important person in his life.
@@SaltLake180 Yes. With narcissism comes a great amount of immaturity.
Me too ❤
Jesus isn’t alive how do you expect him to be involved.Religious beliefs are in the past for Thousands of years why do people treat them as here now and forever.🎉
My experience too. I'm learning how to not overcare.
My narcissist ex expected me to not only take care of the children, feed him, keep the house clean, look “good”, do laundry, grocery shopping, yard work, minor house repairs, plus the only time he half-respected me was when I was bringing home a paycheck. Today’s wife has it much harder trying to please her narcissist than those wives of 100 years ago.
I can relate well to all "your" chores. I have many of them too since my h won't lift a finger at home since he works outside the home and uses his money to pay for everything. Currently, in light of the taxes we owe as empty nesters, he keeps making reference to us being a single income family. Sounds like he expects me to get a job. I am working that direction, but to help myself be more healthy. There is so much anger and bitterness built up in a narcissist.
I’m sorry for your trauma because of this. My son is married to a grandiose narc & believe it or not, she expects him to come home from a labor job and then take on the vacuuming , bathing babies, now he grills dinner most of the time. The problem is that she goes to the best gym in town in the morning, eats out with friends & who knows what else. She is never home till late afternoon , even in summer with several children on their own at home. I know women who work who spend more time at home than she does. After 20 yrs we are all afraid for my sons psyche . I pray you all can find your self worth in the Lord or at least outside of what the narc has labeled you.
Thank you so much! All my favorite psychologists all together! Please get together again soon!!❤
That's my life. I married a giant toddler who wants a mommy to do everything for him. He makes messes all over the house, throws temper tantrums, complains, guilt trips, gas lights, projects, fights with children, gets triggered at the smallest things, cusses at children, can't cook or clean for himself, offers to help but gets mad when I actually ASK for help...He acts like a bratty child. The problem is he will never grow up and move out. I will be stuck with this the rest of my life. I CANNOT do that. 😳
@lcdavis1005❤ well written, thank you.
I became more and more sad in my marrige, and people around me were like ‘well you don’t work as much as him’😢
I’ve got wipelash, osteoarthritis, fibromyalgia, and scheuermann. And I still did 98% of all housework, and appointments with the cars, workmen at our house, the amimals and our daughter. All of this and a part time job, people either just won’t see or maybe they might been the same kind as my husband.
We left him late october, and I am still trying to get child support and get half of our house share; yet he stills try to control me with the money.
There is just one thing he will never learn. Money is nice to have, but I appreciate our freedom and quite time more 🥰
This is not only a woman’s problem, men deal with narcissistic wives
Be careful not to confuse Narcissism with someone wanting to be listened to.
He was quite clear that everyone is naturally a narcissist (but the process of being sanctified teaches healthy connecting.)
Yes, females can be narcissistic, too.
That is the truth!
@@bvaliant4him everyone is naturally a narcissist? Wow... Literally Not how it works lol
I stayed in two abusive marriages. The second one was an intamacy avoidant covert narcasist. I stayed 47 yrs, we had spaced, children, I tried to stay after they left home because I had little money. He drove me insane litterally. I started having psychotic episodes and paranoia after a nervous breakdown. Left last Yr at the age of 72..
Glad to hear you are no longer around the abuse and hope you are finding healing for your soul.
May God bless and heal you.
God bless you. That’s way too long. Go live what life you have in peace and joy. I stayed in mine for 22 years and I feel like mine was way too long.
Heartbreaking. Thank you for sharing. I’m so sorry that you went through all that. ❤ My heart goes out to you
@@drdavidbhawkins
The best thing is that God has given me the grace to forgive but also see that my worth is not determined by what others think or feel about me... My worth is determined by a loving God who also has provided for me since i left...
This helps so much I almost want to cry. I’ve lived with a covert narcissist for 42 years and only this year could I put a name to it and what I’ve been feeling. Wow.
So sorry you have had to deal and live with that for so long.. hugs
58 years. Didn't have a name or understand it before.
I’m 20 years in and I’m not sure if I can mentally or physically make it another 20
42 years 😪
@@mcawesomest1 Leave 😳
I've been married to my narcissist for 23 years. This video has been a HUGE help with keeping me grounded when my narc husband is flaring up. It is hard. Very hard.
Same. How are you doing?
I totally understand how you feel ! 🙏🏻🤗
one of the last things I told my ex was you may take everything I have but you cannot take my soul.
So true my husband married me treated me as his new cell phone, he said he was growing up in the Christian home, he brought me to Christ. In our 15 years marriage from beginning we had very good loving relationship soulmate, till 7 years ago I standing up for myself, and breaking away from his controlling he showed and teaches me his abundance metals abuse.
He was and still uses the Bible verses to puted me down.
Thanks God I leand so much about the Covert Narcissist just a week ago.
He was wanting kicking me out of our home 5 years ago, I moved out last year September for my safety.
My prayers have been answered God allowing me to file divorce I have been abandoned and abused so badly. God is healing me right now I keeping my eyes on our Lord Jesus. Thank you Jesus. Amen!
Thank you all very much for all you do to helping people and me.
God bless
First I want to say that Dr. Carter saved my life, really. If it wasn't for him I would have lost my mind. I started listening to him several years ago and he has taught me so very much. I stand my ground, have boundaries and walk away when he gets heated. I stopped trying to keep him from drinking. Now the question is can I leave him? So wish you all had gotten to that question. My husband and I sleep in separate rooms, my husband said its easier to be alone instead of having relations with me. He's called me fat, ugly, lazy, stupid, etc. I'm none of those things. Even tho I have leveled out the playing field in my marriage, I'm so lonely. I want out and want a chance to meet someone else. Is that wrong? I don't know. I'm not in love with him anymore. As a Christian this is such a dilemma for me. So need some wisdom here. Thank you all so very much for this video. Loved it!
Leslie Vernick's resources are excellent for abused wives struggling from a christian perspective. Bottomline, as I understand it so far, if your husband is not repentant (not willing to do the work required to change for the better), then you need to get out for the sake of your wellbeing. I stayed too long (18.5 years), and the emotional abuse spilled over into physical disease. I've heard other stories like this too. One woman's testimony was especially enlightening: after 20+ years in an emotionally abusive marriage, God actually told her if she does NOT get out, she will lose her physical health. This really resonated with me.
Yu think God wants you to be this unhappy.? My husband is sober 25 years and it’s still hard.
In your boat. Helps to know what's happening but nothing can stop the loneliness. I think of going to find love but l think God wants me to stay. At least l gat love from Him.
“. I use to think the worst thing in life in was to end up all alone. It’s not.
The worst thing in life is ending up with people who make you feel all alone!”
Live him just live the house
So many of us stay because they have financial control. I am praying God shows me how to build a ministry complete with housing for women and children to be safe and supported while they rebuild without the narcissistic abuser. Courts and churches don’t help with the practical unfortunately. There needs to be safe and nice housing as none of us are going to put our kids and ourselves into shelters from middle class America and pull our kids out of their peer groups and schools, etc. This is a huge problem as I know there are millions of women suffering silently because of the stress and fear of leaving and not being able to provide for their kids. 😢
Yes, it is not possible for all to just up and leave and so many feel trapped.
You are stating facts!!! 💯💯💯💯
@@drdavidbhawkinsyes alot of us feel trapped 😢
This!!! It needs a huge platform. After giving up my career and everything to be a traditional wife and mother , here I am left with no financial backup but mostly dependent on my husband to support me . He has all the power which triggers my financial insecurities over and over. 🥹
God bless you all for caring about people like me. I’m in the valley and hurting with no one who cares or even would believe me. So thank you, you all feel like my lifeline. ❤
I agree. A covert person. I have shared things with family that something isnt quit right. Passed it off as just their personality. It at times so so subtle. I began writing it down. Educating myself and my family about the passive aggresive Narccissts.
My mother was a narcissist and then I married 2 of them. I’m single, 71, and financially depleted. Trauma bonding wasn’t even in the vocabulary in the 70’s. Get sane? As a survivor of incest, I guess you could say that I lost myself. I’m Christian which is the only stable in my life. Other than that I have absolutely nothing. No family, friends, support network, money, do you want me to go on? I’m alive and doing the best I can each day.
When I suggested to my first husband in 1987 to go to counseling he said, We don’t have a problem, You have the problem. After hearing that several times, I fixed it, I left.
Jeremiah 29:11 God has a plan for you always! I am 73, divorced my narc husband 2 years ago. You CAN have a life and life abundantly in Him!
Well done for leaving. It isn't easy.
god bless you for your strength I am trying to leave but am not well. He gives me nothing now. I pay for the mortgage and utiliies (I put his name on house he has become a freeloader and I am around your age. I cant stand being with him I know he has robbed me. how wonderful that you are frreee !!!!
Sorry to here this stay strong
@@renaissance5300 can you get his name off the mortgage and tell him to leave since he’s not contributing. My health has suffered greatly but I am recovering. You need to do whatever it takes to survive. But make sure that you no longer want him in your life....ever. Because he will try to come back and make many empty promises and play the victim songs.
Does anyone’s narc say things to make them feel so replaceable and like they don’t matter. Things like “IDC leave”, “move out”, “you’re replaceable “ , just ultimately like they just don’t care at all about you? I know they don’t but still
If I try to set up boundaries he immediately starts saying if you don’t like it leave, like I don’t matter..
When I told my husband I am not happy and going to file for divorce he told me he will fight for custody of our kids and will hire a nanny to replace me. He told me he does not need me.
Nothing worse than going to marriage counseling with a therapist with NO expertise in narcisissm! I went to one yesterday that told me that my husband's inner child gets hurt every time I tell him what to do or criticize him! And that I need to be more independent. What!? Like, let him do what he wants, leave him alone and I need to look away. What kind of marriage is that? Live separate lives, but together. Suck it up, buttercup. We need more experts like you in the community.
His family and friends tried to convince me to do this too. This is not Gods best, two can’t walk together unless they agree.
I live this just about everyday, as long as I don’t need anything everything is ok! But the minute I need something he blows up and tells me I’m disrespectful to him. I honestly stay in my bedroom most of the time when he’s home so I won’t be a bother to him.
WOW!! Thank you for that Dr Les Carter.
“It’s not that they don’t trust you they don’t trust, it’s not that they don’t love you, they don’t love.”
I must agree that Dr. Carter gave us all a great lesson about trust.
The cell phone comparison is spot on. Humans are not humans…to narcissists. Compliance makes the world go round…for these entitled predators. The narcissist demands…and takes, and the other person gives. Period. For the other person in the relationship, it begins to feel more like a hostage taking, than a love relationship. And it can be about as difficult to escape from…as a hostage taking, as well.
I agree with everything you said! Well said.
I have stopped being quiet about it. I’ve told my family I feel like a hostage in this marriage. I don’t feel free to leave. I am separated for 6 months and he has been more abusive then ever trying to regain control. I am going to file for divorce and I’m honestly afraid. No one seems to grasp what I am saying when I say I feel like a hostage. I hope he is all talk but, I’m concerned.
Yes. A hostage and a slave.
Absolutely right….And when you have kids it feels just impossible to leave.
I wish oh I wish I was in a marriage - even a bad one - with a « normal » man and I wish I could divorce…that would be amazing…But I am stuck in hell
@@user-lb2db1dp8eCheck out Rebecca Zung: a Narc Divorce Lawyer: she has a ton of Knowledge. Me, I just left Mr.x & my home & forced him to divorce me. Thank God there was no complications known as having had children with him. I was with him 21 yrs & starting life over.
It helped me to define my boundary when I realized my covenant with God is first. My marriage is second. My husband stepped away from the biblical walk. I’m in process of trying to break free.
I actually stayed when he forced me, through a gun and choking, to get an abortion twice, but once he threatened me with divorce I could finally say that HE broke our vows and I left. No money etc but I left. 'Breaking' my marriage vow was the hardest thing I did. It cost me almost all of my family relationships; we Dont get divorced. But not having children, as though no one ever loved me, not ever having a family is what destroys me. I was young and pretty and kind. I honored my vows and my husband. He is still comfortable with his construction job and the house I fixed up with my savings. He is a socially acceptable middle aged bachelor, and I am an object of rejection and scorn. I try not to mourn my lost youth but it is very hard. It's terrible because he paints you as the villain whore and you lose your family and your community. I still wonder if I was supposed to stay.
@@user-wi9hv2pb2q You had two abortions but wouldn't leave him because that would have been "breaking your marriage vows"?!?!?! 😮
Please, but please, start seeing a therapist asap. You need help to free your mind from all the abuse you've suffered.
I had my realization in August 2019. We are now divorced. I have watched thousands of hours of videos, read more books than I count (including one of Dr. Carter’s in 2019), and researched ad nauseam. This video is one of my top videos now. It is exactly how things happened (and continue).
Unfortunately, my marriage (and some other things) also cost me my identity as a Christian. I hold my relationship with God, but I had to step away from religion for my own sense of safety. The betrayal of the “slow boil” is so much to recover from. I work everyday to trust myself and others again.
This video was so accurate. I spent years in a relationship then marriage believing I was doing the Christian thing and we could work the stuff out. It wasn’t until year 4 of marriage that I realized it wasn’t just hard because marriage is hard. But it wasn’t going to change and we weren’t on the same playing field. I started to ask my counselor, mentor, and friends “when do you know it’s not salvageable?”. I had been so desperate to make it work but I got to a point where I couldn’t carry the relationship anymore; I was exhausted! I had been afraid of leaving because I felt above all else God wanted me to make my marriage work. But after speaking with my pastor about the abuse he reassured me that God doesn’t want any of his children to be abused. That’s what broke the chain of codependency for me. I realized I had been forcing something to work that God had long before been trying to end. So I let go and moved out. Now waiting on the divorce to finalize but he doesn’t want it to be over.
Of course he doesn’t want it to be over. He might have a hard time finding someone else to take his crap.
Hang in there.
I meant stay strong, it will/would never change. I finally after 17 years have finally realized he's never going to change. It really hurts when they say you are not a Christian because you don't accept their actions anymore.
@KeyonnaD Im so glad you had people that listened and validated you early. I spent 25 years surrounded by those that believed I could save him if I stayed and took the bad behavior. Even the kids wanted me to leave and save myself as they got older and noticed how disconnected he was from us.
He broke his vows to God. Cherish. He is incapable of cherishing you. He knew it when he made that vow. ❤
Did he protect you and let you know that he would lift you up as you faced things in life? He didn't. I've come to believe that narcissistic men are not real men, because they cannot fulfill man's role as God made him. A narcissist cannot protect a family because they put themselves first. That shows in how they don't care for their wives and children.
The problem with boundaries is that by the time he is stepping all over your boundaries, you are both dependent on each other for too many things and breaking up and taking on your own home is not financially feasible. So you go YEARS, maybe decades going separate ways.
I sought his approval instead of pleasing God, myself and then my spouse
We often create the impression that narcissists are always men so many times the reference is him him him. Narcissism is a mental disorder and affects both men and women so discussions on this disorder should be gender neutral. So many men are suffering from narcissistic abuse by women in silence so let’s move away from this stereotyping and educate everyone, men or women, about the dangers of narcissism.
I couldn’t even continue watching it because it was too frustrating how they focused on only the male narcissist! My friend lost his life literally because he got involved with a female narcissist.
I felt the same couldn't listen to it because of it being so gender biased.
I appreciated the info, but men suffer as well in these situations. Our son has just divorced a woman who I suspect, is a narcissist. He is doing alright as he ceased the engagement of the game playing.
There is very little sympathy for the man that is holding the family together. Sometimes the narcissist plays the victim and uses stereotypes (men don’t listen… etc) to gain sympathy from others. The children one day will tell the truth. How many stories do you hear about narcissistic mothers? Look for those stories to increase in the future.
I agree my mom and mom in law are covert and it's very scary working with them as an adult. They are like 12 and 16 year olds when they pitch a fit. The husband's are silenced by these wives. Getting the dad's alone for a visit is so freeing for them, and sad for us to see.
Learn the signs narcissism. Run when you find them. Make sure that the person you want to marry is not narcissistic. Beware of the love bombing.
I'm married to a narcissist, I am still very in love with him for now mostly because I don't want to let myself stop loving him because it will make me want to leave. I know that sounds ridiculous but hear me out. First off I've already divorced once so I know the conciquences of that. One being if you aren't there you can't control how your children are treated while they are with him and you can't help them through situations you don't know about. I thank God that I was present for my step children because I can't imagine how they would have turned out if I hadn't been there to talk them through things and to speak up for them. So if my marriage fails my children may not have a good step mom that will be there for them. I feel the best way to make sure my children get through their childhood with some self worth I have to make my marriage work. I don't believe he wants to be the way he is but I can't get him to own it so he can grow from it. He isn't physically violent but his words can be terrible and very self absorbed with little tolerance for anything that inconveniences his ideal way of life. He is a strong provider and keeps all the major bills paid but all extra is for his pleasure which will never benefit the family so anything we need or want I make ways for those things alone. But at church he is so kind and loving to everyone else. I just wish he had the same love and compassion for his home family as he does for his church family. Sorry so much detail.
What a tough situation. I'm sorry you are experiencing this. I stayed with my narcissistic ex husband until the point he ended up discarding me. God tried to warn me, but I didn't understand and it was a big shock when he served me with divorce papers. A lot of times they will do this when they have exhausted you as "supply" and/or have a new "supply" lined up. I would put away money and have an exit plan, even planning to move out of state if you have to, but have a plan nevertheless. ((Hugs)) and I pray God would guide you out of this difficulty. He is with you ❤
Yes, the discard is brutal. Prepare🙏💔
I’m praying for you right now!!! May God give you strength, and May he convict your husbands heart. Only God can change the hardest and broken of hearts. Lean on him (Christ) and he will guide you and your family.
I’m in the same position. Exactly. It is unbearable
You're" in love with an illusion "if I STAY ,IF I DO...THEN....."Can you hear yourself?
Married my husband at 17. Star eyed.
"Something is wrong with him ? " going over in my mind but could not put my finger on it. Only in last few years of 54 years later do I know it has a name. Should be taught in high school. I am not that same person as 17 and slowly I see changes in our relationship for the better but it is HARD.
Women are narcissists too. I’m married to one. And she’s covert. Thanks to Dr. Carter for all his help and education 😊
Left my husband after 30 years on valentine day with cancer. The hell I experienced was horrific. Thank God I left. 67 years old. He destroyed me. My divorce in one month is horrendous the abuse emotionally I experienced I will never be the same.
@gingermaglione7024. I pray you will experience inner peace soon, and that will help to heal your wounded soul. It’s been 30 years since my divorce, having been married to my ex narc 17 years, so I have a very good idea how you’re feeling. You WILL feel better. Your soul can heal with time, self-love and the right support. Seek out emotional abuse counseling and a support group from which you can also find empathetic friends. May God bless you.
It only gets better from now on, be strong ❤
I was married for nearly 20 yrs, now single again, for nearly 18yrs. It was the usual narcissistic hell, although i didnt understand it, one bit. I was blindsided and discarded with the signature smear campaign, along with his flying monkeys, which i also didnt understand. It was an ugly, nasty divorce. It took me several years to heal from it. I probably havent "arrived" but im so much closer to arrival.
I learned a lot over the years. Dr C. on this panel has been one of my teachers. He has a dog named Gus, whos in his video background a lot. My sister and i refer to Dr C. as, "Gus's dad"😉.
One thing i learned was to realize why i didnt understand all his narcissistic ways waz cuz im not a narc! It isnt cuz i waz an idiot for my whole marriage and half the divorced years. It waz becuz i waz more on the normal side of life and never imagined why/how people would/could even act that way. It made no frikken sense.
You, my lady, are on your way, congratulations. It *does* get better, you *will* get better. Youve done the hardest parts. There *is* life, after a narc.
Prayers for your healing, sister.💜🙏✨️
@@ElsieDee001It gets better
Glad you left... You are free from him. May God heal your woundedness. 🙏
My son is married to a covert narcissist. It’s not always the husband! It’s a nightmare.
Absolutely agree, not always the man.
Same!
@@drdavidbhawkinsyou agree but go back and listen all you guys did was label the woman as the victim.
@@drdavidbhawkinsThis entire episode is about men. You all should speak about the women. Post a link. Please.
Please God help me
Such a great podcast! I admit I'm a people pleaser (and society has told me that women bend over backwards to make a relationship work) and it took me 3 years of marriage to start standing up for my needs and setting expectations on my narcissistic husband. I also want my husband to be a present, emotionally available dad--which he's not--but I need to not make that my responsibility; My job is to be responsible for myself and to be the best mother I can be. My husband may be in therapy but I can't force him to change unless he chooses to.
Maybe your further along and I admire your maturity but I’m so confused. It’s like ya I’m married to a narcissist now what. Thankful for this episode!
If he's a true narcissist he's not going to change. There's no cure for narcissistic people.
There are more narcissists than ever before on the earth. Supposedly they are a product of not just the family unit but society in general. My son is a narcissist. I don't associate with him at all. He's got to a narcissistic socialpath if not worst. I believe narcissists are truly demon possessed people. They care nothing about God. 😒
This might've been a great podcast had it not defined Narcissists as Men.
You can appreciate the video because it resonates with you.
Men see this as a personal attack demonizing us, sadly.
Narcissism is a Human condition and Experience; not a Gender issue.
Have a nice day.
It’s rare that a narcissist changes. Ultimately this helps women navigate a relationship with a narcissist, but it’s not a safe place emotionally, spiritually, and often financially and physically. Ultimately, God values the safety and value of these women more than their marriage. There may be a hundred steps before divorce, but for the safety and well-being of these women, best to take those steps as quickly as possible.
My best friend is in such situation. She is with her husband 20 odd years and married 12 and two kids.
She knows he is a narcissist but kept staying. Her health mentally and emotionally has badly suffered.
She is now at the beginning of sobriety from alcohol addiction and I hope to god she will get the strength to leave and work on the trauma bond and abuse.
I have also wondered about the increase of addiction after suffering from narcissistic abuse. I did not start drinking excessively until I was 42, and after meeting him. I now have 6 mo sober and am thriving without him. It took some very low lows, therapy, and a 30 day rehab stint, but I feel great without him 🎉 support her, love her, pray for her, and celebrate her sobriety successes ❤
Alcoholics according to the big book of AA are Narsasistic egocentric defiant and onipedant that's according to recovered alcoholics not me
That being said I've seen alcoholics blame partners and accuse them of being narcissistic when in fact they were ....
The mitigating factors are ...
Before a couple met were either monkeybranching from dysfunction ???
Were both parties totally self supporting and adults
Or did two grown up kids meet in a bar ???
Get the tingles
And get delusional
I myself stay out of chaos like this because
I'm not a flying monkey
I'm not a marriage counselor
And if I give advise that's wrong or doesn't work the narsasist will blame me and cause me chaos
I’m an alcoholic
@@Ferrytales555 can't beat them join them , ever been sober with a drunk
5.5 years and I am ready to get out. I no longer live under the same roof and I am ready to start the divorce process. For the last 2weeks I have been binge watching videos on narcissistic behaviors. I've been working out at home, eating light, fasting, and praying again. I have a long way to go, but blocking him on social media
It is great that you are no longer living with the abuse, and now the healing work begins. Finding Healing: th-cam.com/video/I5N5t_mQiTA/w-d-xo.html
Don't go back to him NO MATTER WHAT.
How does one move on and afford housing on one income in this market? Just curious how you do it?
How is it going living apart while not divorced? I’m afraid of him controlling the money against me
This poscast is so AMAZING! It really opened my eyes that i deserve to be happy and that God cares about my well-being more than trying to work out this toxic, unhealthy marriage.
The more i learn about narcissism, the more i try to see my narcissist husband with more compassion and understanding because i can control my response by trying to forgive him so i can move on. Its sad that he will never experience true love like a normal person.
I enjoyed your discussion. I am a Christian man married to a very narcy lady. The one point I missed in your discussion is that a narcissist is very unlikely to change. Yes you can endeavour to set boundaries etc. and weather the storms and achieve a degree of healing and maturity for yourself etc. However the toxic situation remains and probably gets worse as with age. My thought is that it is just very sad. For me it is daily nudging me closer to the Lord and to prayer.
Experienced divorce lawyer here. I see several common issues related to narcissistic abuse and marriage. a) many people do not vet the other person carefully or long enough before getting married; b) many people think their chosen partner will somehow change after marriage with enough work/nagging/therapy; c) many people are not well educated about the things to look for (red flags) or choose to turn a blind eye to narcissistic traits because they are lonely and want to get married. It never ends well. Great video!
Thank you for your comments - all very true.
Narcissists are shrewd manipulators. The abuse usually begins on the honeymoon once the perpetrator feels confident they have entrapped their prey. Most partners are charmed and love bombed prior to marriage as the abuser idealizes their targeted victim. They cajole their victim into compliance and use power and control to systematically undermine a person's identity. Therefore, a victim can not possibly know their partner-to-be is a narcissist prior to marriage. One would need a working understanding of Class B personality disorders and evidence of such a diagnosis prior to partnership. The partners of abuser's are victims, not fools. Hopefully, once the victims finally figure out that their marital partner's mental illness is pathological and incurable; they can understand the gravity of their situation and escape it.
@Dr. David Hawkins I disagree with his comments which imply that the fault lies with the victim. If they had done this or done that ... well, if you are traumatized since childhood those life skills don't develop normally if at all. The tone of the comment carries condescention and little understanding of the effects of trauma; no matter how many "clients" he or she has had. I have an equally stupid comment that I'd like to add ... "If a legless person simply grew legs they'd have had no trouble with the steps!" Will you kindly affirm that as well?
@@wendymoran6759I'm shocked too. I think Dr. Dawkins was just being polite 😂
@Mrs.NatalieT305🌺 I found his response to be very disappointing that he condones this man's victim blaming. He could have just said 'Thank you for your comment' and left it at that, but instead, he threw survivors under the bus with his "VERY true" stamp of approval. Unless, he addresses this, I have no choice but to take him at HIS WORDS and realize his support for survivors is feigned and exploitative.
Loving my covert narc husband meant to finally stop covering for his behavior. Leslie Vernick’s marriage quiz was eye-opening to me at a pivotal time. Dr. Carter’s videos were so helpful. When he said, “Your needs are disgusting to the narcissist” it struck me as describing my 30-year relationship.
For any who fear that this counsel will lead to divorces, please read the “God hates divorce” verse in context. God defines the divorce as having happened when the abuse/adultery/withholding physical or sexual needs/abandonment occurred. If true repentance doesn’t happen, a divorce is Biblical justice.
Narcissist IS God
Divorce is biblical justice for wicked unloving behavior.....love that
Exactly. I veer dangerously close to the legal divorce only completes what the narcissist’s abuse already started. A long slow death of relationship and loss is self.
"Your needs are disgusting to the narcissist." I feel that. So true. A narc's needs are all that matters, to them. I think narcs are disgusting and reprehensible--they have a snake for a heart.
Dr. Carter makes a compelling point:
I don't think I'm required to give away my decency and dignity in order to appease a contemptuous condescending person.
I am crying at my desk. People don't realize the mental anguish you go through, especially when you have no idea of what you are experiencing or who you are dealing with. Even now, it's extremely bad trying to separate from one. Are there any organizations that I can reach out too. It's as though the mental is even worse when you try to disconnect.
Yes, we are told that the mental and emotional affects are worse. Often local health clinics, churches and non-profits can direct you to resources to get help and support.
@@drdavidbhawkins thank you 🙏🏽
I've been there. It's so isolating and awful- like acid being thrown on you daily. Ask God to help you, give you strength to get through and get out. He gave me grace to get through each day, one at a time. He is with you, dear one. ❤ ((Hugs))
@@lilyamongbrambles4458 blessings. God has me in a peaceful place. 🙏🏽
What a wonderful, talented panel. So much knowledge and wisdom in one place. Thank you all so much for taking the time and effort to have this much needed discussion.
It doesnt matter what credentials these people have if they havent been through the worst malignant narc abuse themselves like myself and others they havent a clue. reading books and exams drs is not the same as living day to day with this abuse most have had happy marrages they dont have a clue we all read bookks etc
@@shirleygill6209 Some of them have had personal experiences living with narcissists. After having many personal conversations with them, I can assure you that they understand.
The punishment for having boundaries is often overwhelming
If you can stay consistent with your boundaries, they will eventually see that your boundaries are there to stay. But yes, it is exhausting to keep it up, you need support from others to "fuel" you to keep going.
I agree, the few times I tried I lived to regret it.
Setting boundaries in the thick-of-it cannot be done alone. This demands a legit support group of some kind (qualified counselor, wise friend(s), niche support group, etc). "Emotional fuel" is a real thing.
Overfunctioning …. YES! He drank and I am the one who went to an alcohol addiction program.
To learn how to “help “ him.
Not my job to set myself on fire to keep him warm. 😢
Same here he drank and I'm the problem in AA
These videos helped me realize I’m not crazy.. What a light bulb moment…
The most important is you are out and free. I divorced last year after 40 years. It's difficult and I am lonely but I believe I will recover. I am not looking for anyone else as I lost trust. I have children and grandchildren and that's is helpful. I feel pain each time my children mention him. Although, abuse was mainly directed at me, our children were abused as they were present and frightened and that impacted on them. I thought marriage is for life but when my granddaughter witness his fit , I decided I'm not going to put her through that. The divorce was very difficult and took my strength and confidence away even more. Financially he ruined me but I am free. In modern times when women are married to narcissists they also used financially to earn money for them. Still being free and the peace is precious. Good luck to all who suffer, I hope you find the strength and health to fight for your freedom. 🍀
Glad to hear you are living in freedom. Thanks for sharing your story
It’s called collusion! Putting on a happy face regardless of your own feelings. Creates anger and you have to turn it inward because you are “not allowed” to have feelings! It’s very destructive behavior. I’m married to a gaslighting narcissist . 30 yrs! I finally realized I’ve been colluding for years and I’m pretty sure that’s why I have dealt with such severe depression.
You described me as well... 30 years. So where are you going from here?
20 years in and i literally just found out that this is not only happening in my home and that i am not crazy. My husband asked me to study narcissistic trauma because he is working on himself and learned he is a narcissist. All the advice i have seen before this video was about escaping. Thankyou for aknowledging the couples who need help retraining ourselves. I learned 15 years ago to do the shutdown and not engage. Just naturally. This past year i had a psychedelic experience and came out of it realizing that i have to stretch my wings out of my cocoon and reclaim space for myself. Like an exercise. He couldnt have gotten this far without me allowing it. He is not happy with this pattern either. Sidenote: We were both trained in these roles in our upbringing. Thankyou for speaking on this topic.
So, are things going well?
The advantage the narcissist has over us is that they aren't torn by their concern for the kids, or their empathy or guilty conscience or all of the things that normal healthy people are burdened by when they get off track. They have none of those conflicts so abusing the wife and kids is easier for them than even admitting it is for their victims. We over function because what choice do we have? I did this until I had a heart attack at 33 years old. You know what happened then? He destroyed my life with the help of my own family! That was why I functioned because I knew my life would be over if I stopped, and of course obviously I had no protection and for me abuse was so normal that it wasn't until years after it was over that I actually called it abuse.
Yes, narcs do not have a conscience. They hurt other people without a second thought or care whatsoever. They have a snake for a heart.
16:36
Switch the pronoun and you are describing events very closely related to my life. The exhaustion has led me to the conclusion that there is a difference between making peace and being peaceful. I am devoting my energy now, to being peaceful. Making peace with a narcissist is impossible, in my opinion.
I believe you are right. They ARE chaos!! Mine is, and yet he's self-defense sacrificing , generous( always controlling ), and the mix is so confusing. Once I emotionally broke away, I feel such freedom, even though I'm still in the " marriage".
Excellent presentation , i would like to add that husbands of narcissist wife's suffer the same abuse . As I listened and watched I related to all of this information .
I really enjoyed this discussion, thank you! I only have one suggestion. It seemed to me as I listened that the group has maybe subconsciously embraced the gender stereotype of narcissism in that “he” is always the narcissist. Being a male who has been married to a female covert narcissist I could relate to so much that was said. The church’s stereotype of gender responsibilities such as since the husband is the spiritual head of the house, he is responsible for his family’s sins made it harder for me as a man and a pastor to individuate and set my own boundaries. In the future, may I recommend that you remember that narcissism is an equal opportunity afflictor? Again, thank you so much for this discussion!
Thank you for your input. I understand because most of the info is related to men being the narc..My son is married to one. I have trouble getting solid Christian advice on how as his mother to best encourage him. He is a kind empathic personality and It crushes my spirit , as well as everyone else who loves him, to see his boat ‘leaking’.. She wants divorce and he keeps holding on full of hope in this time it will get better. I never really believed in divorce before but now that I see the abuse he is enduring I am rethinking it all. God bless you and guide you through all of this. ❤
Agreed! Please Speak more about female narcissism. I also think it is more difficult to recognize narcissism in a female because it is so unexpected. Especially when they have their mask on and their façade of being sweet and innocent, fun and thoughtful. It makes the male victim feel stuck and alone since he feels like he can’t speak of the abuse that goes on behind closed doors because no one will believe him, or think he will be judged as less of man. My friend got trapped in a relationship by his female narcissist and it cost him his life, literally! 😢Mostly because he was empathetic and always wanted to please everyone. He didn’t know how to get out. He tried, but she love bombed him, sadly he fell for it and moved her back in to his house. It was the beginning to the end. 🐍
Yeah - when I heard he "narcissist" so frequently I must say I had a negative reaction. What about female narcissism or histrionics.... The messaging to men over the last generation has been very destructive.....
Indeed 👍
I agree, and I also believe that there are statistically more men that lean more narcissistically than women can, and the reason I say this is because men have been raised to be this way and not to their fault at all but because of how natural human and social structure is viewed by our very limited, immature, confusing, and desperate for any type of control selves, and because of this men feel naturally driven and inclined to protect, provide, lead, teach and guide their family units, which is a GOOD thing! But, when you take an emotionally immature individual who has these God-given naturally built-in inclinations who is *not* God-fearing, God-loving first, selfless, self-reflective, open-minded, stable and compassionate man (or woman sometimes), then this will be the perfect setup and situation for a narcissistically run household and a very miserable life for the partner and the children who come into it.
I think I am the covert narcissist. I would sure like to see some podcasts about what I can do to become a healthy person. Presently, I see that my hope is with God and him healing things that I may have missed in my development.
If you were a narcissist you would never admit it, so I'm thinking your not. Narcissists wouldn't even dream they have a problem it's everyone else that does. Take care.
@@monicahocking1507 I was thinking the exact same thing!
Be deeply into examining Eords and responses Y'suah spoke to those He encountered. Go to Old Testament records He quoted.
Ask Him to teach you
@@monicahocking1507Not true. There is a delineation between Narcissistic Personality Disorder and those with narcissistic behavior. One WILL admit they have a problem; the other won’t
Please see a therapist
Excellent content.
I was married to a religious narcissist. My boundaries were frowned upon not only by him, but also by others who supported him. Although I respect the sanctity of marriage, my only option was to end my marriage.
Your comment is validating. My husband thinks he is very spiritual. He got an online pastoral credential and sounds very self righteous, quoting scripture left and right but told me the only reason he married me was for one certain marital activity he liked. He said my personality didn't matter. It didn't matter to him that I worked full time nights and raised his 3 young boys sacrificing sleep, finance, and free time to meet what they needed. I left after 20 years. Have been out 2. He is the victim according to him. His affair and porn were my fault because I didn't meet his needs. Just thinking about the whole mess makes me feel sick. I don't know how to get rid of the feeling of revulsion and betrayal. Any insight?
So sorry for your predicament Cynthia
As long as you know u r not the monster, that's fair enough.
You can never win any battle over a narc.
They are always the victim.
Mine foolishly tells me that they were looking for a second wife cjz I wasn't able to perform certain duties which of cause I couldn't especially after abuse.
It's damn sickening.
That's such a tough one, isn't it? My ex played the victim too and I have been struggling with the same feelings. The only thing that helps me is to acknowledge my feelings, no matter how ugly they are sometimes, and come to God honestly with them and ask Him to help me with them and heal me from the damage this has caused. There is so much pain that it's hard to have perspective at times, and so I guess just allowing yourself time to grieve and trust that eventually the pain and anger and resentment will fade into the background. Wishing you healing and blessings -❤️
@@cynthiaaustin1763I'm having the same issues after making him leave a year ago. My divorce hearing is coming up in 10 days. All I can say is that there are awful spouses and I have been unfortunate to have two. It all boils down to selfishness period.
I didn’t find out about narcissism until I've been married for 22 years. I agree because of him I've grown and matured now i want to get past the sadness, heaviness, depression, anger, dislike, etc.
Healing is possible. We have many videos on healing from emotional abuse, here's one you may find helpful: th-cam.com/video/u9XkQuHLEJY/w-d-xo.html For more related content, subscribe to our channel/
@drdavidbhawkins Do you recommend divorce? The narcissist refuses to see who he is.
Dr. Carter literally saved my life! I was being slowly killed by someone with a clinical condition. Everyone in my life knew with the exception of myself. I was so busy trying to save him!
Now what? Now, divorce the narcissist. Save yourself at all costs.
Sharmen hit it just right. I thought my relationship was hard for 15 years. Then I realized it wasn’t right and started “fighting” back for the hardest 5 years of my life. It wasn’t just hard, it was abusive.
He hates my very soul. I’m still here for my kids I guess. But now I’m seeing my 17 year old act like my husband, I’m wondering if it’s God trying to say it’s okay to leave. It’s okay to step away from the constant hate. He tells me he hates me and to leave. He wants the house so he’s trying to get me to walk out.
I completely understand.
My husband began sabotaging the laundry to make me sick. When this didn't work to get me to leave (I didn't know what was happening), he began telling me disturbing situations from his childhood to shock me in order to get me to leave. He was saying he was a victim of sexual abuse. He knew I had been sexually abused by my father so he was hurting me sideways to get me to leave because he wanted everything and didn't care what happened to me. I found this part out after he had been gone for about five months. It was horrible, so I have a little bit of an idea about what you are dealing with. He also said he loathed me which stunned me.
Until he almost killed me in front of the 5&6yr olds while the baby slept and then began threatening reactions to the girls. And his seeking other women in my presence and attacking me publicly. He would grin & call it "his stinking thinking". I never heard of "narcissism" til 50 years after our marriage!
I hope you are out
This video has been on my "Watch later" list. I finally got to it. I am blessed to have heard the perspectives and vernacular used by all of you. I need to continuous equip myself with this expertise. It is helping so much! Only 2 nights ago I felt the most confident and empowered during a conversation with my narcissistic husband. His response, "I'd like for us to reset and start over." I am very aware that an another argument/discussion will arise soon, after all, he is a narcissist. But my growing knowledge is keeping our conversations authentic and mature. My boundaries are becoming clear to him. I am neither scared nor confused any longer. The reference to God's perspective on marriage versus the safety, health and accountability of His people was good to hear, as well.
I left after 4.5yrs of dating and 4.5yrs of marriage, more than enough. I’m in the healing stages. I stayed focused on my spiritual growth and didn’t allow the abuse from my husband to affect my relationship with Jehovah. I used the scriptures to help me leave with a good conscience and save my life❤
Glad you stayed grounded in truth and was able to escape the abuse. Thanks for sharing
Are you? a J.W. If so reach out
Who is ? -:(JEHOVAH).😊
The “what’s your problem with his problem” Is an amazing way to walk thru scenarios
This is exactly the nightmare I am living in right now. So glad I found you and from a biblical perspective.
This video was so key to my healing, moving ahead and beyond self blame, clarifying how to self explain how to get beyond, and step ahead in my own experience, regarding my marriage. I can't over express, how much I have appreciated this. I'm sure I'm still in the weeds, as I'm so tired and still feel like weeping a lot, but, the language in my head is changing because of this. Thank you
I've been stuck in the same sort of unsure shoes for close to three years now. I am the woman they are speaking of here to a T. Even after beginning to educate myself the last year and a half. I'm still searching for the secret code to unlock this man. Still trying to fix myself enough to be enough. It is exhausting for sur e
The building up of the abused spouse is so necessary. My counselor did that for me that gave me the strength to even consider leaving.
Yes, when a counselor can treat the abused/oppressed spouse with dignity, respect, and legitimate concern as a human being who has intrinsic worth/value, this is SO HELPFUL. It's like breathing oxygen again. Takes awhile to get used to a healthy energy dynamic, but it's like MEDICINE to heal heal heal.
I wish I’d had videos to help me. But I did figure it out for myself. What it took was for me to get away for a week to a conference - which itself infuriated the narcissist - to find I was treated with such kindness and dignity that I came to realize for the first time that I was being treated like shit in MY OWN HOME! How did it get this bad?! I began to be much more aware of and then to point out their rudeness, their bullying tactics, their illogical arguments, and take a stand for things *I* wanted. Everything got worse. Of course, because I was no longer following the established pattern. The day they threatened to leave was the turning point, because I honestly did not care! Just make up your mind. But I will no longer tolerate your insults, threats, nagging etc. I couldn’t change that person, but I could change ME!
Amen!!
17:50 this is so true. My therapist explained it to me this way: “you were never intended to be somebody else’s emotional container.” Let that sink in! Sometimes we are programmed however to do just that. Wrongly so. It took me a while to unwind those unhealthy patterns and programs. Later on in this video they talk about the resistance that you are met with and that is also very true. Thank you to everyone on the panel discussion. I really enjoyed this thoroughly.
Thanks for sharing your perspective. I love how you describe "unwinding the unhealthy programs"
It seems this video is geared towards women who have suffered narcissistic abuse from a male. There needs to be more content like this geared towards men who silently suffer narcissistic abuse from a female partner.
My mother always told us, "The Dear Lord came to this earth and we put him to death, so why do you expect everyone to like you?"
Lysa TerKeurst has a great new book: Good Boundaries and Goodbyes which is great for this audience or for anyone, really, as we all come across dysfunction at some point in our lives and we have to set boundaries but most of us don’t know how to do it.
Thanks for this wonderful episode with these amazing experts!
Every thing is picture perfect in the beginning but when they know that you know everything about them. You are not their favourite cellphone anymore.😂
I am heart broken right now as I came to this by Dr. Carter's youtube videos but was then shocked to find Leslie Vernick discussing men who are Narc's and not men and women. I am working through Leslie's book on destructive marriages with my wife as a way allow her to be heard, to hear her side and the depth of her pain. The problem is, my wife is an extreme Narc and VERY INTELLIGENT and she is using that book against me and not allowing me to "discuss" it. She just wants me to agree to my fault in it all, to repent to her and God fully, to reconcile the history of my neglect and to ONLY FOCUS ON MY NARC TENDENCIES such as gas lighting, emotional abuse, etc. I sought help and found more blame and I don't know what to do! I will keep watching but I am dying inside and so confused and concerned.
Leslie Vernick only has one drum to beat - that men are abusers and women are innocent victims. Burn the book and find an objective source of information to help your situation.
I think this was probably the most important podcast I've heard on this topic since I started my journey trying to understand more about narcissism!
Thank you so much for your precious time ❤🙏🏼 I’m going to save it so that I can take notes.
Love to hear from Leslie Vernick!! She knows her stuff incredibly well and is so wise. 💜
If only my in-laws and family would watch this, then just maybe, they would realize a bit of what I’ve been through. They have no idea how hard it’s been. Thank you for making me realize that I’m NOT the insane one. I’ve always known he was messed up, but it sure is great to have affirmation!!!
I just learned what a narcissist really is by watching videos about it. And I'm in the same predicament. My family and friends think I'm the bad guy and think he's angel in disguise. But they don't understand what I go through. My husband is very suttle with his. And if I didn't watch these videos I wouldn't have known what I was dealing with. We have to pray and hope that they come to repentance.
I doubt that they would Tamara. Remember, narcissists are often bred
Wow. I wish the same for my in-laws. They don't believe anything I say
Narcs are pathological liers.
Will lie just about anything making you look insane
If it's any confirmation to you, I totally understand you. ❤
Even tho I know the problem is from him, I still question myself if I am troublemaker because he acts so innocent after he wrongs me.
Im so glad she mention the porn addiction bc my husband tried to generalize porn in the sense that every man watches porn after I told him how uncomfortable it was for me .. he never stopped .. for years .. made excuses for why he watch it .. for a moment I believed I was overreacting.. but no ..
thats only ONE thing .. we have now been separated for 7 months and have to be separated for 12 months and a day to get divorced. Lord this was never in my plan but when I desired marriage but emotional abuse is deadly!
When I tried to set boundaries and take control of my life. My husband made several attempts on my life. I asked him to leave over 3 years ago. He was lying, cheating, and stealing my belongings. Now, he breaks into my residence and continues to do as he always has. Law enforcement has not been helpful as we live in the outskirts of the county.
My husband actually went through your bootcamp with Jill and Johnathon. He had pushed it all away, still blaming me for having faulty thinking like him. All he did was learn more terms to throw around and be more of a victim.
Unfortunately this can happen - people use what is meant to help them as ammunition to manipulate and attack others.
I was married to a female narrssist you all talk as of men are the only ones with this problem.
This was specifically geared towards women dealing with narcissist husbands,.
@@joanmacdonald2950 my apology
A married partner using pornography IS committing adultery, besides aiding real crimes aka human trafficking and other violent abominations.
This is one of the best and helpful videos that I have watched. Thank you for putting into words what has been my whole experience in the rocky 50 yrs of marriage. I just didn’t know what I was dealing with until this year! A Narcissist. Invaluable video. Thank you.
I am an over-functioning wife. Thank you for this video - you're telling my entire story. I asked my covert narc husband if I could have the home office as my personal space to read, pray, work from home and decorate it to my taste (he claimed the entire basement as his home studio). Because I wanted something of my own, WWIII broke out and he informed me he is hiring a female personal assistant (he's a musician) and she and he will be working in that office ALONE when I am at my work office and I can use the home office when they are not in there. That is my punishment. I cannot tell you how unworthy I feel in this marriage.
One more thing - when I started putting boundaries in place (learning via CODA/therapy) he became vengeful and punishment came to me big time. This is worse than oppression. His punishment scares me. Financial punishment, talking to other women and rubbing it in my face, slander, and some borderline criminal behavior - what am I supposed to do - I have filed for divorce but now the spiritual abuse is happening - him calling me a SINNER using scripture against me and telling me I need to submit to him - telling me God hates divorce. This person is destroying me.
GOD does not condone staying in an abusive marriage. You tube Proverbs 21 ministries for biblical information. Get out. I was in a situation with the legalistic/spiritual abuse. Out now and so glad !
Theresa I pray strength for your situation- I’m not telling what to do or not to do, I recently heard someone say-God divorced Israel- they didn’t repent. If your husband doesn’t doesn’t really turn from his actions for a duration and prove it by his life….I pray strength for you staying or leaving and The Holy Spirit guide you-
I’m searching for myself as well-
@@naturelover-f6h That’s ridiculous! You don’t deserve this!! I hope you’re able to cut him loose!! ❤
Get out
Oh wow, I absolutely love those moments when someone says something in such a way that just really resonates with you and suddenly something just clicks in your mind for you to immediately see everything in an entirely new way! When Leslie made the analogy to her relationship with her cell phone? Total light bulb moment for me!
I keep making the (debatably narcissistic) mistake of approaching the narcissist in my life as if he operates like I do. I've always just assumed that my way of understanding and interacting with the world had to be the same way he operates in the world, so I kept trying to look for ways to relate to him within this context. I've done this to try to better understand him because I do this with everyone, it's just how I naturally relate to the world. But it's felt especially significant for me to be able to figure him out, for me to know what to expect from him so I can protect myself from it. Short of getting as far away from him as I can (have been building the resources to do that for a year now!) the only way to keep myself safe, it's to identify the danger and take steps against it, but I haven't been able to identify it!
My problem is I've always assumed he's using the same framework to interact with me that I'm using with him. I just thought of it as impaired and distorted and not as sophisticated or mature as everyone else's social functioning, and I've been trying to understand what that's like for him so I could understand why he does what he does. But it never adds up and I have never seemed to really find him where he's at.
But shifting everything I know and reframing his approach to other people as if they're objects instead of atomic human beings? Finally! All the pieces finally fall in the right place! I finally get it now and it all makes sense to me! And all it took was one simple analogy phrased in the right way! This just unlocked so much more insight and enlightenment now that I can parse everything I've already learned through this new contextual lens. Let me tell you, I've never been so glad of the TH-cam video that was recommended to me! 😉
I am ever grateful for these on line discussions as it has confirmed everything I have been studying and sadly what I went through for many yrs but now I feel slightly liberated, I can never go back to be abused but it helps me to feel better knowing I could actually identify these patterns and consequences of poor behaviour towards me, listening has allowed me permission to imagine healing to pray for healing without any bitterness. God bless you all so much!!!! Thank you so much
I would like to know more about narcissistic fathers and their children and how it effects the wife (mother)
I was raised by a narcissist father, married a narcissist, divorced then lived alone for 20 years. Suddenly Prince Charming shows up from nowhere, love bombs me and convinces to marry him. I never dreamed I would end up in another narcissistic relationship. I did and following all the old rules I again quickly lost myself, my independence and all that I had enjoyed for those 20 years. I lost me to him and now don’t know how to find me again. I am lost.
This is my fear
I feel so blessed to be able to listen to all four of you! Thank you 100% for understanding these difficult and distressing circumstances!
Leslie nailed it at 18:00. I’m exhausted. Our pastor did that blame shifting and recommended we read a book written by one of the most misogynistic, misinformed and backwards man ever called “His Needs, Her Needs.” That is a book that should be removed from any literature for couples. It is harmful to both men and women but especially women.
Yes my pastor twisted my reflexes to protect my children into incest!!
This is FABULOUS video. Thank you all!! I have escaped a narcissistic relationship. I thank God that his voice inside of me was so strong. 🙏🏻❤️
Glad to hear you are free, thanks for sharing
@@drdavidbhawkinsDoc you all need to address women.
This whole entire episode was about men.
Me too: God's Voice was OVERWHELMING inside me to GET OUT and get away from my narc husband after 18.5 years. About 6 months prior, I had come across very effective teaching on praying in tongues by Andrew Wommack and Dave Roberson. HIGHLY RECOMMEND. Praying in tongues has a lot of benefits, but one of them is it sensitizes you to God's Voice (it's a small quiet KNOWING inside your gut). God's-Peace-that-passes-understanding was SO BIG inside me Leading me to GET. OUT. NOW. It's been immense relief to be away from narc husband's constant devaluing, disrespect, put-downs, disregard, etc etc.
Best panel of experts on topic of narcissism. I grew-up with a narcissistic father who did repent...around his age 60!!! We now enjoy relative peace. However, as a Christian woman, I especially appreciate your sheding some light on this sensitive topic of the role of a Christian wife and how our obligation to God comes before that owed to our husband. THANK YOU SO-O-O MUCH!!! God bless you all!💛💛💛
What happened to men? I honestly haven't seen a man who was emotionally available, self-confident and a good leader. A man with humility and integrity. A hard worker who exercises discernment and healthy boundaries. My "Uncle Harry" had all these things. His word was gold, he was gentle, but firm with children, and he had a laugh that would warm the coldest night. I am 59 and my ideal was my "Uncle " Harry. While I was dating decades ago I kept wondering where I could find someone of that ilk. It never happened. He was a "real" man in my eyes and I trusted him with all my heart. I took my fiance to meet him and the first thing he said was "Do you think you're man enough for her?" He wasn't 🤷♀️
Ive known plenty of married female narcissists where the husband is very much the victim but the wife is very manipulative and plays the victim.
I put up with a narcissistic spouse for 35 years. I finally went to a woman's abuse counseling center when I couldn't take it anymore. That's when I realized he was never going to get better. I've been complete no contact since I fled my home and I never want to hear his voice or see his face again. It was hard to go through abuse recovery, I was so trauma bonded to him, I am finally happy!
Thanks for sharing your story of hope and healing.
This is my life story for 25 years. I'm finally out but mentally struggling. It's a long healing process.
Yes, it is a long journey but worth it. Glad to hear you are healing.
28 years for me. I’ve been divorced 5 years now. You’re not alone in how you feel. The trauma bonding is horrible. 😢
I am currently married to a covert narcissist. I desperately want out of the marriage and the kids want to leave with me. She has threatened to have me arrested for kidnapping if I leave with the kids, but I can't leave them with her because of the emotional abuse. I take most of it but if I'm gone she'll turn on the kids. I'm too poor to afford a lawyer. She has kept us poor as a means of control so that I'm not able to pursue any outside help.
For the men dealing with being married to a Narcissist this had some helpful tips but it wasn’t really helpful for dealing with it as a man in a marriage.
Very informative podcast! Thank you for taking the time to share this valuable resource 🙏🏻Listening to this with a pain in my hip from birthing 3 children in 4 years while I clean the kitchen after making dinner and tending to my 3 children all day night while my husband sleeps on the couch with a fully belly. He left for work at 10 AM and home at 4 PM, within that time, he goes shopping, out to lunch and has over two hours of drive time. It’s strange to reflect on, but I am learning and praising God I am not where I used to be.
Dr Carter is The Best !!!
.... I just wish that I knew about narcissism earlier .
This needs to be thought in homes , schools and churches !!!
Loved ❤" my enemy is my greatest teacher to mature into the greatest person God called me to be" I will remind myself this daily 🙏❤️
About min 22. YES. It is SO hard! Constantly trying to figure it out! I am SO thankful for a wise counselor who labeled it correctly after being told I needed to do more, talk more gently, see things from his wounded childhood self. Now divorced after physical altercations, I am free. This chat helps me in my healing journey.
So glad you are free and pursuing your healing journey. We have many videos on healing, here's one you may find helpful: th-cam.com/video/u9XkQuHLEJY/w-d-xo.html
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Actually that's what happened to me - we lived la vida loca where I was always there for him and did everything he wanted to do, until the children came along and I took my attention away from him. I realized the cycle of love bombing and punishing, by journaling and now these videos are amazing - it's like there's a camera in our home and you can see everything.
Wow just wow!! How did i never came across your chammel.
I acnt yhank yiu enough for auch a brilliant discussion on this topic. My spouse is a narc and after 25 years of tolerating and suffering emotional abuse i am finally getting myself back. I cant thank you enough for giving me ways to approach my husband and knowing God is with me all the way ro the end. Amen! 🙏🌟✨✨❤️❤️
We loose our identity of a child of God if we forget to love him most because we do love our spouse sooo much. Out of our desire to love the spouse we get so confused when the betrayal , devaluing & many games they play. The result is confusion & chronic illnesses. I thought that love never faileth. Now that my eyes are opened and I know what to expect. I seldom get side struck as I have figured him out. Still, this is hard! I don’t expect a healthy relationship. I do speak my truth. It always causes punishments, things are getting little better slowly.
That has been a big thing I've been learning from God that we can easily start letting other people take Jesus's place in our lives, Jesus is the only one that can satisfy and truly love us the way us humans need to be loved. It's easy to get love bombed by someone and want to give yourself over to them completely and then be crushed when you see these toxic behaviors come up and realize that it isn't what you thought it was. These types of people don't have the capacity to love you and care for you how you desire them to so the best thing is to not have high expectations of them and to get what you need from Jesus