Love this podcast. You made potentially the MOST important comment at 30:50. Parents managing their own emotion (and mental health) pays dividends over and over (and over) again. I need to remind myself of this daily.
The more we talk about ADHD and neurodivergent children and people we remove the shame. I never understood why I was the way I was. I just knew it was "not normal" and often heard I was stupid, lazy and useless. Now I see grandparents, aunts and uncles and total strangers labelling my child as a brat, spoiled, wild or whatever. It is so sad to see that. I was more of a daydreamer and inability to focus. My daughter is more hyper and daydreaming. Now I know what I have purely because my daughter has ADHD. I know what is going on in her head. Unfortunately the demands of a six and 7 year old are ×5 times what they were before. My daughter is in the second grade doing multiplication and division. I learnt that in 4th grade. She has 2 hours or more of homework because she needs a break every 20-30 minutes. So nothing gets done quickly or seamlessly. I feel like a failure and she feels like a failure. We had a diagnosis, we have the accommodations but it isn't enough to catch up. Then her behaviour is over the top at times. I feel like she wants to fight with me. If I say "It is 3pm time for homework." She immediately says "Nope don't tell me to study, I won't do it now cus you told me." So I started saying "when do you want to study?" She says 4 and I tell her here is the timer, at 4 it will beep. Of course she ignores it. I say "It beeped, it is 4." And again she refuses. So now I have to say "If you want to go to ballet at 6 you need to start now or no ballet." which of course leads to her refusing, starting homework at 5 and not getting it all done. Her screaming that she must go to ballet. So we go, always late. Then come home at 7:30 and finish the homework in a panic, with me freaking out because she's complaining she's sleepy but I told her and warned her she'd be sleepy. And so I say "ok forgot it go to school without it done." Her teacher then will keep her in at recess but when she comes home it all repeats again. It's like a black hole.
It sounds like you need to sit down with her and ask her why she doesn’t want to do it and keep tugging her ear (asking questions) and seem interested and figure out the root of this then you can brainstorm together
I’m an Therapist. An OLD one. Older Gen x and a parent. I keep hearing “I’ve tried this and it doesn’t ‘work’” you don’t always have to take responsibility for your kid’s feelings. Or fear them. Out in public, no. Don’t take them if they can’t get a handle on it WITHIN REASON (no excuse to hurt people, etc). At home, maybe let them be their baby selves WITHIN REASON (I keep saying that because what I am saying is gray. Not black and white.) If you leave them alone with the play date, to some extent they will work it out and have natural consequences. Again, within reason. The hand wringing we all do -and I’ve done it, believe me - does NOT help them.
Listen starting around 16 min in she says that DFK can be likened to having many traits but not at the level of DSM diagnosable. So yes an ADHD or Kid on the spectrum can be DFK and can share underlying struggles.
A whole conversation happened about neurodivergent kids and Dr Becky didn’t say the word autistic once? I think that’s pretty weird. She’s awesome. And, if you’re the parent of an autistic teen, and you’ve been in the journey, you know none of this stuff is relevant. Maybe she knows this, and maybe that’s why she carved it out? I’m leaving the episode a bit confused by the framing and so feeling weirdly unseen. Won’t stop me from listening to the next one tho! ❤
Love this podcast. You made potentially the MOST important comment at 30:50. Parents managing their own emotion (and mental health) pays dividends over and over (and over) again. I need to remind myself of this daily.
I FEEL SO SEEN AND HEARD!!! When I try to validate my DFK he says “don’t tell me how I feel!” 🤦♀️
Oh MYLANTA!! Absolutely the episode I needed! THANK YOU SOOOO MUCH
The more we talk about ADHD and neurodivergent children and people we remove the shame. I never understood why I was the way I was. I just knew it was "not normal" and often heard I was stupid, lazy and useless. Now I see grandparents, aunts and uncles and total strangers labelling my child as a brat, spoiled, wild or whatever. It is so sad to see that. I was more of a daydreamer and inability to focus. My daughter is more hyper and daydreaming.
Now I know what I have purely because my daughter has ADHD. I know what is going on in her head. Unfortunately the demands of a six and 7 year old are ×5 times what they were before.
My daughter is in the second grade doing multiplication and division. I learnt that in 4th grade. She has 2 hours or more of homework because she needs a break every 20-30 minutes. So nothing gets done quickly or seamlessly.
I feel like a failure and she feels like a failure. We had a diagnosis, we have the accommodations but it isn't enough to catch up.
Then her behaviour is over the top at times. I feel like she wants to fight with me. If I say "It is 3pm time for homework." She immediately says "Nope don't tell me to study, I won't do it now cus you told me." So I started saying "when do you want to study?" She says 4 and I tell her here is the timer, at 4 it will beep. Of course she ignores it. I say "It beeped, it is 4." And again she refuses. So now I have to say "If you want to go to ballet at 6 you need to start now or no ballet." which of course leads to her refusing, starting homework at 5 and not getting it all done. Her screaming that she must go to ballet. So we go, always late. Then come home at 7:30 and finish the homework in a panic, with me freaking out because she's complaining she's sleepy but I told her and warned her she'd be sleepy. And so I say "ok forgot it go to school without it done." Her teacher then will keep her in at recess but when she comes home it all repeats again. It's like a black hole.
It sounds like you need to sit down with her and ask her why she doesn’t want to do it and keep tugging her ear (asking questions) and seem interested and figure out the root of this then you can brainstorm together
She shouldn't have to do homework. That's the accommodation she needs.
I’m an Therapist. An OLD one. Older Gen x and a parent. I keep hearing “I’ve tried this and it doesn’t ‘work’” you don’t always have to take responsibility for your kid’s feelings. Or fear them. Out in public, no. Don’t take them if they can’t get a handle on it WITHIN REASON (no excuse to hurt people, etc). At home, maybe let them be their baby selves WITHIN REASON (I keep saying that because what I am saying is gray. Not black and white.) If you leave them alone with the play date, to some extent they will work it out and have natural consequences. Again, within reason. The hand wringing we all do -and I’ve done it, believe me - does NOT help them.
31:21 how is it not their fault? Is it not their genetics that resulted in this child?
Can a deeply feeling child be hyperactive or would that likely be more ADHD?
Listen starting around 16 min in she says that DFK can be likened to having many traits but not at the level of DSM diagnosable. So yes an ADHD or Kid on the spectrum can be DFK and can share underlying struggles.
A whole conversation happened about neurodivergent kids and Dr Becky didn’t say the word autistic once? I think that’s pretty weird. She’s awesome. And, if you’re the parent of an autistic teen, and you’ve been in the journey, you know none of this stuff is relevant. Maybe she knows this, and maybe that’s why she carved it out? I’m leaving the episode a bit confused by the framing and so feeling weirdly unseen. Won’t stop me from listening to the next one tho! ❤
Huh? This comment is so confusing. Neurodivergent is not equal to autistic and especially not in the context of this conversation specifically.