Trauma Bonding |Stuck in Abusive Relationship |Michele Lee Nieves
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 23 ก.ย. 2020
- #traumabond #narcissism #codependency #lifecoach
www.micheleleenieves.com - Trauma Bonding keeps people stuck in abusive relationships whether they are with a narcissistic parent, significant other or a malignant friend - it's important to notice the cycle and root cause of trauma bonds so that you can break out of them and enjoy healthy reciprocal relationships
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The pain of trauma bond is real...
100% real!!! 😔🙏
Yes I'm going through it..... it's really traumatizing and painful. I feel completely lost and incredibly scared. THIS IS SOOO HARD 😭
yes, i was trauma bonded 9 times. It is like cold turkey off of heroine
I did have a Trauma Bond to my narc ex-wife, but no longer after mostly healing from narc abuse. Thanks Michele.
This is so good. Why don’t 99% of therapists explain this?!! How are we supposed to heal if we don’t understand what our brains are doing?
Spot on !!!!!
Agree, met number of them no one explain that. Suspect they prefer to keep client on the hook to harvest money for more visits. Do met so many bad therapists ho end up retraumatizing and making my situation worse. Many say that there are so many lousy arrogant, ignorant, abusive therapists out there.
@@niki.global Feel for you... Maybe it worth trying to find another one. Do see it bad to wait better future with such. I do see red flags, and entitlement, and weird behavior of therapist like she was afraid to go in to supermarkets for groceries, claim to be Judge claim that on her session happens judgement, do provide inconsistent irregular visits, all revolved around her. So was all the time hoping for better future. So recently when corona started had devastating results with this entitled "expert", self-righteous, know it all person who don not bother to ask questions much rarely provide visits but know it all and deicides for me what to do. So she end up making me break no contact with narc father first of all, then after some time when narc father start emotionally abusing me and sabotaging hard my new business attempt, she not even help me any how but take a side with my narc father reinforcing his destructive programming, and dump me. I end up bankrupt. And I suspect that she did it also because she secretly follow my FB account where do criticize mainstream culture and political movements - so she decide to punish me that way. So now days do see many therapist try to pull you also in to some political or religious bandwagon too and seems act like some thoughts police or something as she claim that she is judge who judge people.
@@niki.global Thank you for a support and kind words, really appreciate that. It’s truly hurts when people on who you relay and trust back stab you. Therapist was also that master of NLP - hypnosis so she really mess with my head, emotionally program me on misfortune she dislike that I start my business, and I steel feel that emotional enmeshment, and how that internalized - fused person do sabotage my attempts. I do not know are you familiar with terms fusion - emotional enmeshment? Like get under your skin, occupy mental space and like - prohibit this prohibit that, like revenge and mental control of some sort. She just decides that. Awful. Just do not know how to get rid from her, she appeared covert narcissists and choose to scape goat me for some reason not so clear for me. Am baffled and full of rage, how dare she? I even drew couple oil paintings pretty god and tough that she is on my side and friend, but she appeared to be that monster who just seek power and control and punish me for I do not know what, not being Politically Correct on my private Facebook page where she was not invited? Or talking about unpopular political decisions? Just can’t get it, or it simply envy she somhow dislike that I tell her that plan to start that business and father harass me? She so entitled to make a decisions for me what to do? Forgot to tell she was also in some mix of Christianity and mew age woo woo, that defiantly adds to level of entitlement, and feeling of superiority and that sense of being a boss. Nasty situation.
But maybe you can write complain about that therapist? About mine I can’t even complain she do not even gave me receipts, and in our country there are no regulation of functioning of therapists seems they can whatsoever they want, especially in covert way by hypnosis and NLP. But may be in your place is possible? That feels bad being entrapped. I know, my father start to rage also because he just wants me to keep on leash under his thumb, not letting me prosper and live well, so he started that fuss and sabotage, to bankrupt me and be one up as always. That sad and hurtful. I understand your pain. Do not even know what to recommend. These covert narcissists are so cunning and devious pretend your friend and support and at the little moment they help but at the big event they sabotage and undermine. Suppose your abuser more covert if he send you in to therapy to lousy therapist.
Also with you strength and wisdom, only what people like we have is learning, because for example I do not have relatives to whom ask for help, am scape goat from narc family, so not relatives. And do not not have family. So learning last option, even paid therapist who pretend your fried for 2 years or so back stab you, do try to talk to some clerics but they tend to be a useless junk. So we do not have much options… :/
not all Therapists have training in this area
Wow.. I always wondered why I couldn't remember my childhood.. But, remember being abused.. and having to settle.. As an adult I have been abused... and settled. You describe me to the letter.. Now ik.. NOW I CAN HEAL.. Ty.. I will keep a log now. I remember I did that years ago. God Bless
I left 4 weeks go married 33 years and I’m not going back ever
I left after 14 years and no way in HELL I'd go back either! I'm so grateful I didn't have trauma bonding at that point. It DID happen in 2015, the first time I tried to leave. I felt he would collapse without me and felt solely responsible for his well being. 🤦🏻♀️ Oy.
He almost killed me...finding my self worth FINALLY made me wake up!!!!
Im married for 40yrs.
Dont know how to leave
Fay Ceedat God had his hand on me because I left in 5 days it was like a blur looking back and I can’t believe I’m out of that abuse not going back ever
After nearly fifteen years, I'm next, I need to put an end to this toxic relationship. I wish you all the strength and determination you need to never look back. We can do this!
You're not alone. Hang in there.
Losing your mind!! Exactly!! It's so hard to turn the focus onto yourself!
Take a hot bath... Create relax environments... And get rid of old negative friends and memorabilia and re inserting new... You will love yourself...
Hi Michele like I always say is that people have to pay attention to the red flags when you see that somebody is not right for you , this is when you run and keep running for the sake of your life and find help fast as you can , however you always do a fabulous job Michele and stay safe.😊😊😊.
I left 2 years ago and I am running for my life
Good for you!
This unfounded loyalty that abusers have to your adversaries. My narc mother would automatically side with the bully.
Mine too. Now the same situation is happening with my husband and adult daughter. The cycle repeats.
They speak the same language... Same vibrations...
I encourage people to watch the movie The Truman Show to understand how someone can get enmeshed into the life other people want for us. The old movie Gaslight, with Ingrid Bergman, is also a great movie that showcases many of a narcissist’s tactics, not just gaslighting. Both movies are good examples of the systematic destruction of a person’s sense of autonomy and personal locus of control
True, my heart was having trouble beating, I had trouble breathing and my body really felt a particular shock as I watched the manipulation unfold. And when he decided to question things.... well I'd never been so emotionally moved! Yes, great movie.
I have also seen information about enmeshment trauma that resonated with me. It’s the fear of losing yourself in any new relationships. It comes from sacrificing autonomy for connection growing up. I only know myself in terms of my relationships with the most important people in my life. Even with healthy people, I lose myself, because I was never able to develop a strong sense of self separate from others. But, now that I’m basically alone, I crave the old relationships so that I can blend into the familiar. Trying to find a strong sense of self without having a healthy family system to have helped guide it is hard. I have to keep remembering that I survived despite the toxic people in my life.
Because you are still seeing yourself with the eyes of the narcissist, who expect a little child to be perfect, with their crooked mentality of what is perfect... When you look and cherish your own little efforts, without expecting things to be perfect... As they made you believe... That s a healthier, more realistic way in which you see humans as humans and not as machines, or slaves or objects... Win, win situation... Their world don t exist... Don t honor it and create your little, crazy, one... ❤️🌅😅
I used to tell my narc ex that I let go of everything he does to me, because I forget. I genuinely couldn't remember any of it. I chose to forget always. My bestfriend sometimes used to remind me all that went down. And then I'd be like yes I need to leave. But I deleted that as well. I used to tell him that I choose to forget and delete things because it's too painful for me to remember and I didn't want to hold on to negativity. So I used to ask him to forget in return. But he never could do that. Because he wasn't supposed to. Even if I did something small, he Always held on to it.
The term "reality training" comes to mind. Training yourself to see what's happening as it is without shoving it away because it hurts too bad. He said he loves me, but what he just did showed that he doesn't, etc.
Wow this just changed everything for me...I really didn't understand how I don't remember, always forgetting....even just the next week I begin to wonder what was so wrong etc...I feel so sad about the abuse and so happy to start healing, thank you Michele!
Only know your a healer Thank you Michele
Journaling allowed me to escape from my abuser. It saved my life.
So many things resonated with me in this. Hope for the promised future, focusing on the positive, needing to journal things as they happen or I’ll forget how bad it is, little memory of the details of my childhood, friends frustrated with me complaining constantly about the narcissist, craving to go back to the way things were.
I left my ex 6 years ago. I don’t feel trauma bonded with him anymore, but I still do with my elderly parents who are communal narcissists. I am trying to limit phone calls to once a week or every other, am sharing less and less, and trying not to respond at their attempts for praise from me. Yet, I still have a craving to call more often, share more and fawn over them. Plus, I end up feeling guilty for not appreciating them the way that they want to be. I feel guilty for not having a connection to them and not feeling real love towards them, love that isn’t just created out of guilt and feeling sorry for them. I still have that fear that I need them to give me direction, something they convinced me of as I grew up.
Yes, I married a combination of my mom and dad. I did finally leave my ex because I was recording all of his abuse and I started becoming repulsed by anything he did. I had a plan to leave, but had to do it when he was gone and I couldn’t respond to his abuse, because I knew he would guilt me back into staying. After leaving he said he finally understood and I said I would work on it long distance. He said was working on himself but was reverting back to his old habit. I tape recorded our conversations and fights and was astounded at how he would easily confuse me by twisting the conversation so many times. I finally said this isn’t going to work and after a few long and convoluted emails between us, I finally emailed back that we obviously see things differently and want different things, so let’s leave it at that.
I felt exactly, until i let them fell of their asses 4 months ago and never called again... It s not my fault they are so mean, and used me and my sibings for their stupid mind games and social climbing... We need to get angry in a healthy way and cut the bs... These are not friends... These are predators... Zero contact saved my life... They are becoming more and more abusive with the years... It s not my fault... Don t use my energy, my positive energy I create for these negative causes... I am glad I chose life over death...
My story exactly...they all must have gone to the same training ground for their behaviors...😑🤨
@@lesleygarvs4640 yes, getting angry in a healthy way is so key. Congrats on the no contact ☺️
@@suedarr197 Exactly, it's so creepy how their tactics can be so similar ☺️
@@goldieh7121 I have been getting hoovered more regularly the past 3 or 4 weeks, then excuses for phone calls to talk, but not about me or us. Just in the last few mins. I texted him a half hours worth of what I should have said long ago instead of tolerating it....I know he has a new supply, he let me know without naming her. I had blocked him on all communications but somehow he got thru on my message app. Said everything I wanted to say, told him not to contact me again. And GOODBYE....it felt cathartic, I'm tired of feeling sad and bad. He has serious issues. But he knew what he was doing...never again...😊😉❤
Now I understand why I need to journal Thanks Michele .... You are priceless
I didn't know about journaling during my trauma bond relationship, but when I go thru my photos and look at pictures of myself from that time, I remember the darkness I was going through
So clear.. So familiar, so reasonable, so rational, and it's seems also easy this way. .. It's not but.. you give me the hope that by understanding I can process and elaborate everything and make mine this mechanism.. Thank you for explaining this stuff with passion and hope. You are so precious!
Reduced contact and moving into my own place helps. I eventually decided that it was the only way
Thank you, Michelle! It absolutely makes sense now after you explained it so clearly... Another thing that motivates me for not backflashing is that energetically, we are unconsciously nurturing and giving more power to the oponent... I try to see it as something that happened... And nothing else... For example like the lady giving the news, without emotions... With narcissists better watch things cold and without involvement of my own new, amazing self... And leaving it where it belongs... In the past... Patience is impotant... I love my little baby, which is myself... I thank God I am alife as some people don t even survive all these... And counting my blessings..
Thanks, Michelle, you are amazing! 🤗🙏😍
I will never escape.
Writing it all down has helped me SO much! But, then I worry about someone reading what I've written. Where do I hide this writing?
You can hide it on your computer and name the file something benign, you can also password protect it if it's a Word document. Good luck and God bless!
@@20erixon I will. Thank you. I'll copy out from the written journal and I'll do as you suggested.
Yes, my ex gave me some clues to lead me to believe he read my journals. He would often push me to work out a budget and present it to him, stressing me out for days. I later came across an old journal entry about how I hated making out budgets, written right before he started harassing me about it. He would also use words he never had used before, after I had used these words in my journal.
Before I left him I'd keep a notepad in my purse and keep it with me at all times. I would also text myself things he did and keep my phone locked
Yes, name the journal something really boring. "Grey rock" your journals.
... running back, as if something bad will happen if I don't...
It always does and always did - from smear campaigns, double binds, rage attacks. It always did and always does happen when you dare to think of yourself as a human being instead of the narcissists puppet, property, punching bag, "villain" and extension - by yourself, by the narcissist and everyone around. It's (the phrase) not so much a trauma bond then a constantly repeated and enforced behavior.
As always... Very eye-opening and thought provoking. Thank you.
They like you when you are fearful, and insert all these fantasy fearful situations or stories... Whoever come with stupid negative stories, i block them right away... It helps!
This is so refreshing...
Thanks a tonne Michele 🙂 !
hey
the part around when i’m triggered... you see i feel shame around being triggered. tho it’s a abused child reaction to healed people situations. My mom is a narcissist and i’ve been manipulated and abused by her all my life. I choose to love myself for the things that i’ve not learnt yet; for the healthiness and normal growth that i’ve not been thru because of being abused from the day i was born up til two months ago
it helped me to have you explain this to me. I am not the one who traumatised me and trapped a child in a traumatised state of mind. I have done nothing. I don’t even own these triggers. I leave them with the person who abused me. I am so grateful for you helping me to let this go. Nows the time to grow and develop the way i would have done if i was healthy with no shame for trauma that is not mine.
My life is ruined, I have been abused by my mother since I can remember. Time passed and a lot of things happened in my life, I started to believe that I am a retard, that something is going on with me. My last relation ended one year and a half ago by being discarded. It was the worst experience of my life. I didn’t know anything about NPD and I was petrified by what happened. I discovered step by step and I am still learning how to cope with all these things. My mother got what she always wanted, at least she thinks that she has complete control over me. It is very hard for me not because I was discarded but because I cannot discard my mother. No matter what happens she knows that I can’t do that. And on top of it, she is living with me. I am 44 years old and my personal love life doesn’t exists anymore. I realised something though, I have to take care of myself, I must learn to love myself and these videos are a real help. Thank you Michelle so so much. Do not think that you cannot live without someone, that you cannot breathe without that person, everybody can. I am not giving up on me, especially now that I found what is the cause of my fear and my flaws. Thank you ever so much Michelle🤗
I’m sitting in the same boat as you except I lost my oar and we’re lost at sea (in our 40s) looking for birds in the sky so we can find the land.
I try to find humor in my daily life and then go back to my mother’s trauma bond and gaslighting, and my father’s and sibling’s incessant abuse. I’m a grown man who depends on his parents for rent. I can’t swim either.
Like you, I grew up thinking I’m disordered and even took medication for it. I know I’m not an idiot but felt that way all my life. My folks are fucked up beyond repair. Pardon my colorful language.
I get it, I'm in my 50s and my parents are in their 80s, so supposedly I'm now supposed to be taking care of them despite the fact that they have always treated me like I need them to save me from myself.
Just think we survived DESPITE them, not because of them. So many times I've pulled myself out of despair caused by their concern for the type of person I was becoming. Their concern only had to do with the fact I wasn't doing what they thought I should be doing, that I was trying to self differentiate.
Until we develop a strong sense of self, we can easily get sucked back into feeling like we need them. Remember, just because we sometimes fail, ask for help and make mistakes, doest mean it's proof we can't survive without them, it just means we're human. We fear losing connection, yet I don't believe we can't have true connection with others until we are connected to our authentic self.
Chef Maximus oh yes, that is exactly how I felt. Like an idiot and sometimes i still do feel that way. My sister hates me, she always did, she is also a genuine narc so she doesn’t need a reason because that’s who they are. She just said that she doesn’t want to hear from us ( my mother and me) anymore as she wasn’t raised properly and blaming my parents for it, even she is 46 and in my opinion at this age she should be able to make her own choices. She just washed her hands like Pontus Pilat and leave all the problems on my back knowing very well that I din’t have the heart to put my mother in a retirement centre. Anyways, I know how you feel and most likely you feel trapped as well accepting the situation as it is. Stay strong and above all : do not dare to give up on you or on your dreams!
Goldie H It hard though living with narcs in the same house. I am trying and I will get there.
@@crank7818 Wishing you the best and don't buy into the stories they try to tell you about yourself. You are stronger than you think
This is THE BEST info about trauma bonds that I've seen, Ever. Recognizing that the feelings are coming from the inner child makes so much sense.
I just got discarded by a toxic friend ..... Again! And couldn't understand why I'm so upset yet still want to rekindle the friendship.
Thank youuuu Michelle, you're a godsend 😊
Very good topic Michelle,thank you for helping us all be more aware of these toxic people,be blessed everyone and take care of yourself
So Much Truth!!!
Thanks for posting this, helpful for me to use with Client's
1st lol. Love your videos Michele. ❤❤❤
The coping skills I developed are getting in the way of my healing now that I'm OUT. How do I break down the walls I built in my brain, walls in front of painful memories that were built to create homeostasis?! How do I recover deleted memories?
And how do we know if our lack of memories is serious? How much does a healthy child, now adult remember in order for us to know what's normal? There is sooooo much I don't remember.
You will start remembering in a safe environment... So if you are safe now... That little child will start to wake up... Welcome him, and give him love...
Another spot on video and well summarized! Its taken me a year and a half to get my ex-narcissistic wife out of my system after the break up. I kept trying to figure out what was missing for a spell and wondering why my mind was upside down and twisted. The night sweats and bizarre nightmares about my ex-wife were maddening.🤪
I’m getting better day by day. Trauma bonds are no laughing matter or an experience to take lightly.
Definitely have to do everything suggested herein by Michelle and more to heal.
“I’m on the Road to True Recovery....going from just “Surviving to Thriving.”
Thanks Michelle, you have helped me in so many ways. I’m glad I came across your channel two years ago.
Its been a hard journey that has been well worth it. I have transitioned to being more hopeful about my life and learning more about me and who I am; the dark and diabolical narcissist is out of my life!
Yes!!!😀😃😃😃
This is awesome. Thank you.
Thank you for this video!
This helped me so much. 🙏🏽
Wow, the explanation in this video gives so much clarity! Just like Michele explained, we tend to block out certain memories from our childhood. I realized that I did that regarding the way my parents behaved towards me or eachother, because it was in coflict with the image that one of them so desperately wanted others to see. Somehow, I guess I was brainwashed or manipulated into believing that image as well. One thing that really helped me was to force myself to really think back and try to fill in the blanks from various scenarios in my childhood, focusing on how toxic parents/people around us behaved in those moments. Doing that after learning about toxic relationships and trauma bonding, it becomes very clear what really was going on and how that might've caused a twisted perspective of ourselves and of our relationships.
Thanks, this was helpful.
Thank You,Michelle
This is exactly how I feel atm. Thankyou Michele.
What you said about writing things down, that makes sense to me, as once I wrote down what happened in lyrics and expressed my feelings in the lyrics, I looked at what I had written and was shocked at the story that the lyrics told, which sounded a lot like an abusive relationship.
Ok, so important emotional knowdledge. Tnks a lot.
the one crumb of love
Michele you changed my life 😘
there's no loyalty if one let's friends be dissing a partner...I hear the trauma aspect but there's a boundary aspect too..happily healing here.
I was wondering... The partners I attract I am pretty sure are not narcissists but they do act like that only towards me. Like for some reason people think it's okay to use and abuse me no matter how I try to act. And then obviously things don't work out. This makes me scared of people and future relationships. Is this what is meant by a narcissist magnet. If you don't attract narcs themselves but you attract the behavior.
Take your power back and do less if it's not a 50/50 deal don't be used or played by them,no your worth,set boundaries,no one thing npd is like bpd there mental illness,best wishes take care of yourself and be blessed.
These guys are totally 100% narcissists gaslighting you! They are confusing you, when the problem is THEY... Run as fast as you can🏃♀️... Nice people are nice... And you feel it... They are caring and treat you with love... Watch and delete those predators... Trust your intuition, my love... Hugs... Bye🤗❤️
No wonder i seemed to forget every horrible thing said or done to me by that person..
I left him yesterday filing for divorce Tuesday made the decision the day before yesterday. I had to be ready to accept whatever came with losing him. My family did not hesitate to help me move while he was at work. I had anxiety the whole time but I did it and against what he wanted me to think, my family supported me 🥰
When my covert malignant narcissist mother was dead, and I finally gave up having a relationship with my narc father, I began to have flashbacks of my horrible childhood. Altogether, I recovered about fifty repressed memories of all types of abuse, including attempts on my life by my own parents. The flashbacks were word for word, like movies playing in my mind; I could see their faces, at the young ages they were at the time, hear their voice expressions. So my point is these traumas are not deleted, but repressed by the child's mind, stored until you're in a place of safety, and when you can understand just what happened to you, sort through the context and motivations. I worked through this very painful phase of life, and it took over a decade to understand and even forgive. My parents were monsters. Yet, I have come to hope they landed in Heaven, not hell, which is, I believe, the release of forgiveness that I need to heal from it all.
I feel like I have a trauma bond with a narcissistic friend. It's like I don't want to see them for who they really are, but I still hope they are a good person, even though they were very coercive and made me feel horrible for having abstinence values. It was like, they felt entitled to my body even though they never tried to get to know me as a person, until after they saw I wasn't putting out so then they consider me as a friend now. I've felt like I've been losing my mind for years. I also still don't feel like I'm over the coercive behavior of my subscriber who hit on me in a video well over a decade ago and then told their subscribers to go help them out by commenting on a women's video in order to I guess in their mind, let me know what I was missing by not being with them. It could have been serious as they had my email address from a video collab, so I guess I'm lucky I wasn't stalked.
Lol @ “How dare you talk about my abuser that way?!”
Michele, please, write the book about all those things you are talking in videos
What a difficult time this is....Its been about 3 weeks since I was discarded (again). This time had a sense of finality to it. All the pieces of this crazy puzzle started coming together and I believe she knew I was finally aware. ( I know I got under her skin by dropping cryptic hints for a few weeks, lol. It was VERY effective and she was clearly uncomfortable. I just wanted to give her a taste of her own games I suppose.)
With regards to the video....im perplexed and just deeply sad. Im inundated with memories of her. All of them, the positive ones. All involuntary.
I forced myself to focus on the abuse and why I should never go back...but every list I've made, every conversation I have had (with myself and others) , every video I have watched, every book I have read, every logical bone in my body, ALL unanimously, swiftly and overwhelmingly tell me to GET away from her fast and stay away. There is no question that the relationship is bad and I was on the receiving end of it...I stayed and endured multiple events that on their own would have ended most relationships on the spot...despite this (the cheating, the games, the lies, the subtle and consistent disrespect, the hiding, the baiting, the provocation, the overall torture, (all related to guys/ex's)....I miss her deeply and long to just see her and hold her etc....its just bad. Its like I continue to live in 2 realities. This person is flat out no good, yet I feel this?..
I think separating yourself from the abuser is a big key and then realizing how you feel once you are away from them. Ask yourself... Is this healthy thinking of not?
I’ve told my wife this is the case with me.. I get how unhealthy it is! No I really do. I find myself just turning off. I few weeks ago I commented on how dealing with my wife who is a narcissist that I have not lost who I am / was.. I’m feeling a bit different now and no idea why. This relationship I’m starting to realize that it can put me into a depression.. I am going through this a bit now. Of course I should leave ... but...... I did not get married to get divorced... I know I am able to be on my own , take care of myself.... so long as I have my German Shepard “ Stella🐾”.. with me. I’ve made excuses over and over I think I’m supposed to be okay with the cycles I’m out through ... I just want to be happy again I hate that I have to fake it” I’m not good at that kinda thing .
Noni Pele thank you so much for your well wishes 💯‼️🐾👌🏼💪🏻💪🏻💪🏻💪🏻💪🏻
Wow she just keeps on getting more attractive by the day.
Can u share ur story of the narcissistic abuse?
R u still living with a narcissist or have u gone no contact..can u help me with a few tips to survive with a narc?
In addition mentioned in video want to add one moment that do notice in me maybe some other do face something similar - that moment that if I abandon abusive person that I’ll cause to them some tremendous harm. That long list of narcs in my life do play victims and play pretend like their life and wellbeing depends on me. And they abuse me just because of that trauma they are victims of - or variant they add that something wrong with me and they are sacred of me, or too shy that why they give me silent treatment, cold shoulder, neglect, ignore me. But I do not dare to leave them, that by their words and actions will cause them some harm so I have to stay in that weird limbo or some sort of friend zone if that word is appropriate. By other words hanging somewhere between heaven and earth. They do not treat me right(abuse) and do not let me go. And I feel shame and guilt even if I have a thought to live them that I deserve good treatment. That in addition to future faking, my expectation that if I try hard enough that fantastic future will came. That weird knot of emotions. Hope for best, and shame, guilt and fear for wanting to quit. Can’t fully get it. Any help appreciated.
This is me with parents😓
Make lists or journal everything they say so you can SEE how horrible they are to you! Use this as a tool to stay away! 💕
I've split with my long term partner but I feel so guilty and worry about him as he is alone in new flat and unemployed I feel so guilty and so much anxiety. Why am I feeling like this. I still care about him we have kids together but I have no romantic feelings for him.
Take care of you and your kids, first. Believe it or not they figure it out without you, you just dont know it. Been there.😊❤
How do you break these trama bonds?
i love you...
Hi Michele, I sent you a message from your website. Take a look! Thank you!
Youve mention THE BODY KEEPS THE SCORE, what other books you recommend Relating to trauma?
I experience all three in the relationship with my wife. I know it’s toxic. My friends, family, counselors and pastors think it’s toxic. My marriage counselor has finally given up and told me he wouldn’t be in this relationship anymore. The only two people that think everything is fine is my wife and her narc daddy. My marriage counselor says my wife and father in law have an enmeshed relationship with narcissistic tendencies. The kicker is that I had a great childhood and wonderful parents so what am I doing??
My xwife for over a year has made my children fight in front of me has made my son hit me panic over going to church panic over doing homework. Throw fits scream and yell. Over the past year I’ve asked the children psychologist for help I’ve talked with the school.
I documented everything my son repeatedly swears in front of me.
In August the neighbor boy was at my house playing with my son and my son hit me and said swearwords.
The neighbor boy said why would you talk to your father like that that’s disrespectful you have a nice Dad. My son’s answer was my mom makes me do it if I don’t do it I get punished.
So, what does that really mean.?
Not what normal person would think. She just wants to make in on my time and split the kids away from him, No that is not her goal.
What she want is to win and look good. And to make me look bad.
If I talk with the teachers about the behaviors after fight and homework is not turned in,
I have these tremendous behavior problems out of my children.
Am I X Wife can do the homework in five minutes she’s a super mom and the children don’t have panic attacks around her or anxious or anything.
So it has to be the other parent is the problem. I’m doing something wrong with the children I’m making them act as way just to make my ex look bad because I’m asking for help and I’m trying to prove I have a problem.
I bought a police cam. They can record for 12 hours if needed remote control.
I asked my children and they only tell the truth if they are angry with my ex.
Both of them said they get punished if they do not miss behave in front of me punch kick scream.
If you Google one parent has anxiety panic attacks fighting hitting with the children and the other parent has peace and quiet.
Google brings up the magic word triangulation and parental alienation.
Yep, that's abuse, grounds for divorce, and custody too.
Still trauma bonded 3 years and counting even though I'm in a new relationship.
Yep, my mother is throwing crumbs at me and gaslight me while the other two members of my family are torturing me. I don’t know why I keep listening to her. Is it trauma bonding?
Well I am not Loyal to my abuser but I do delete tings and I stay when I shouldn’t.
I save my text messages , then download them to a computer file..
I have very little recollection of my childhood. I remember my dad a little but not my mom at all. It’s so weird. And I married a narcissist but I’m out now after 23 years. Not sure if I want to go digging around in my past to figure out why I can’t remember. 😩
If you don't want to, you shouldn't have to. For now, focus on yourself. Heal as days go by. I know it can be hard sometimes but there always is light at the end of the tunnel. You got this, wherever you are. You got this.
Ishrat Sharmin Thank you
Productive with packing...
Hi
Searching for crumbs in dark places.
My mom is super abusive with me and I can barely escape her loop. Now I am better but now she has arrived in the countryside and I feel her gravitational pull. How do I manage to stay away from her and go no contact?(even though she has threatened me to cut the relationship off and speaks dirty towards me I feel her pain too but I don't want to follow her script and go see her anymore because I risk even physical violence. What do I do? I also depend on her with money, I am doing my best to exit this codependence). Should I risk this No contact now? I am super afraid of my heart's health as well...and of my brain's health...
I am sorry to knw about ur situation..i am living with a narcissistic MIL n all other family members including my husband r enablers n flying monkeys..its affecting me mentally n i cannot go no contact
@@arshiyafatima2966 /i know the struggle. I try no contact or at least a pause, i need to become financially independant. I really hope that you can set yourself free. or find someone's support! BIG HUG!!!
yes I need to write down notes..there were 3 or 4 incidents just this morning....emotional literacy on Instagram Richard grannon and he's rather hot visually which aids in healing...
You are so beautiful.
She blew me thin she threw me
Ever heard of cognitive behaviour therapy?
Do keep thinking on the topic more and more and find out some trait in me that defiantly facilities me staying in that trauma bond with for example narcissistic parent. Do find in myself that spiritual abuse play big role - that LAWS and commandments society, religion and people and narc parents superimpose on me. Do talk about COMANDMENT - THE LAW - HONOR YOUR FATHER (parents) - one of ten commandments - that supreme law all recognize and worship and demand to obey it that holy grail, and people around play that POLICE by checking that law obedience. And if I go no contact, make boundaries and argue and have fight with abusive covert narcissistic father - people just like unite and instead of protecting me form fathers abuse, people start to abuse me for breaking THE LAW of honoring father! That LAW given by the GOD himself - carved in stone!!!! Perfect law from inhalable god himself!!!!! And according to them DISOBEY GOD and GOD WILL PUNISH ME for breaking that law, and people judge and punish me for breaking that law! And people see that a bigger problem than fatter abusing me, and father by himself apply to that RULE, law, when it benefits him he hides in Christianity and Judaism, appeal to all his Christian and Jew friends playing a victim how rude and disobedient his son is, he covert narc so he maintain that façade of loving caring on outside and hide what he do to me - that type of ambivalent sweet-mean person who use sugar coated aggression, give with one hand take with another(helps in little things -sabotages main events in my life), so present me as some evil child ungrateful - who disrespects his father and people are glad to join baiting and jump on his wolf in sheep clothing bandwagon, all his network becomes that Justice warriors who rush to protect THE LAW and punish CRIMINAL who brakes on of 10 commandments straight from perfect God! They are JUDGES and POLICE and executioners of THE LAW !!!!
So I end up scared, intimidated not only by father himself, but also appeal to higher power of perfect God and his perfect book, and horde of Christians and Jews who GUARD THE LAW!!!! And do not spare their energy to bully me to be under fathers thumb. And he so well plays on that how he send his flying monkeys to punish me and do his biddings and help him to keep me on a leash and under his thumb. And how he provoke me I burst out in anger and tell him what thing about his abuse and covert emotional manipulations in rude way( we contact by email mostly) and he just show to others that emails for example as a proof how angry I am and show his occasional crumbs of good as proof of how good person he is , and present himself as that poor innocent victim who didn’t do anything wrong, and his son is abusive disrespect father and so on, poor him - he just seek help in religion appeal to all religious people to teach his abusive son a lesson, to punish him, to make his son OBEY THE LAW of honoring the father!
Did anyone encounter something similar? Any advice how to deal and detox from that? Any help appreciated.
And HONORING is like PLEASING him, obeying his rules and command, following his bad advices, emotionally regulating him, doing what he wants - and he enjoy my misery, my failures, my independence, my sovereignty. He is highly competitive, and sees my success as threat to his imaginary hierarchy, like throne under him is start to shake when I’m happy and succeed. And feels like he sees me as extension of himself - what is good for hem by auto is somehow is good for me - here that paradox that for him is good when I’m miserable and suffer and looser(that seem makes him feel bigger). So he calm and peaceful and happy smiling when I’m miserable - what totally not acceptable for me, and he is supper anxious and angry and raging when I succeed and happy and do what I want. Here that emotional regulation, to calm him down as A GOOD SON SHOULD I have to be miserable and self-sabotage and self-sacrifice. And for me refusing doing that he spins that as BRAKING THE LAW OF HONORING THE FATHER and demand punishment for me.
Also he see himself as some super wise person expert in all fields and areas - so he feels to give advices by in the all areas of my life - and become super pissed off if I do not follow them, and again present that as dishonoring FATHER, breaking the LAW! He feel entitled to give to me all that lame advice in general regardless of that he lives in US - me in Europe, we did not meet in person for around 18 years, he do not know me like a person he almost never bother even to ask in our phone conversation on emails how I’m doing, he do not know how things are doing in country I am living so he is totally incompetent but anyway feel entitled to barrage with his highly emotionally charged advises (somehow his advices tend to befit only him - as wrote above am just extension of him - so what feels good to hem somehow have to be good for me). Me of course he see as total fool and infantilize me - so again present himself as some super care taker about me (do not even as how I’m doing, do not see me in person for 18 years, do not even ask for many years my picture to see how I look). And I have to deal with all that - total nightmare. And somehow end up guilty one who breaks the BIBLE LAW for not being father pleaser his hiller, for many years he used me as his personal therapist telling to me all his sob stories - that emotionally do regulate him and please him - to dump all his problems on me. And he do not bother to listen about my problems and ask how I’m doing or address issues that I bring up in our relationships that bother me.
And regardless of the distance feel like that emotional enmeshment and fusion with him like feel his emotions, some authors describe that in psychological literature. And I can’t get rid of that emotional fusion. He just push and push on me with emotions. Of course wearing that sheep clothes like he somehow care about me - not even seeing me for 18 years, not truly talking about my life, and not even seeing my photo in many years. Totally mind blowing. Am in confusion. And somehow people protect him not me. Do write about lousy therapist who just made me break no contact with father, and took his side when his abuse escalated. Just mind boggling - totally do not get it. Feel myself very frustrated.
How people take his side? All that theist who live by the BILE LAW. Even therapist who knew how hard my life was and is? Just take his side and abuse me. Just insane, am in deep state of confusion. Do feel myself betrayed.
this describes my relationships w liberals