Trauma Bond | What It Is & How It Destroys You
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It's a glorious day when you come to the realization that the trauma bond has finally been broken.When you no longer care. When you see the true them and not the mask. When you finally value yourself more than their opinion of your character. Freedom. Independence. Sovereignty over ones own will. No longer a slave! Really does feel like coming out of prison.
This comment... On point.
Can’t wait to get there.
Very well said!
Trauma bond: feeling the need to incessently watch every you tube video on narcissism and codependency while memorizing clinical terms for what you've been through so you can free yourself from the enormously catastrophic guilt, self doubt and shame of having put yourself in a relationship with someone who is toxic to you.
Yes this! Oh it's so exhausting
@@m.j.2939 It gets better. I'm personally on year 3 of recovery and just now to the point where I feel peace. More peace than I have ever had in my life. I'm sure it doesn't take everyone that long though.
@@junecarriesullivan1845 I worked it out about 7 years ago but I am still married to my narc and my mother is a bit of a covert one but she's still a decent person in general. It happened when I woke up to everyone around me and why I was being treated so badly and couldn't understand this behavior. I walked away from the others which helped immensely but it still hurts and I trust no one now. It's helpful to have these reminders when I start beating myself up and thinking maybe i'm the complete narcissist and or it's all my fault that people can't accept me for who I am. I used to be a happy outgoing person before all the abuse. Too old to care lately with all the world madness going on now.
My saving grace was God. If I didn't have Jesus and understand the word of God and how it's all applicable to our fight with this particular narc demon that's now prolific, I wouldn't have coped. I was seriously thinking about divorce then the covid madness hit. At my age and where we live and no job opportunities as such I am just thinking about what's best for our children atm. Just taking it day by day as the world goes mad.
@@m.j.2939 Feeling you
Blessings to you Always ✌💖
I've never really had a handle on the definition of Trama Bond until now. I was hitting that lever like an addicted mouse. You are right nothing else mattered. Thanks for explaining that in such a useful way 🙏
Don’t judge anyone with a trauma bond. It can happen to anyone. My narcissist showed up after my brother died and for the first time in my life I didn’t have him to talk to every day. I was young and I just assumed the narcissist would have the same empathy, communication skills, and honesty as my brother-doesn’t everyone act this way? To find out that some people gaslight and don’t communicate honestly was the biggest shock of my life.
Trauma-bond: Doubt caused by desiring a deep connection to be anchored, but sensing that connection is adrift.
Toxic Soul ties and "addictionship" came to mind. Narcs, codeps and bpd types are vulnerable to behaving like this this I'm thinking. Porous boundaries, externalised self esteem, other control and "needy" rather than self controlled, put others into competition with each other, emotionally unstable, passive aggressive, self serving, toxic masculinity, moody and not well integrated. Best to ignore their idealisation, pity ploys, manipulation, breadcrumbs, hot/cold non-reciprocity, one-upmanship, manipulation, and demands to focus on living your own life so they don't attach to you. Just say "good thing I'm immune to flattery", engage in defiant self love, enforce strong boundaries, notice the devaluation and see it's not personal, keep focussing on connecting with yourself and live a full and satisfying life where you value freedom and sovereignty first and foremost. Thanks for this video Michelle, it was really informative, especially the bit about mice self neglecting due to the intermittent resources. 💝⚔️💝
Love it sis 💖
@@terri412 It helps alot that you're a truly consistent friend who always has my back Terri xox 💕🤗✌️👋
@@louisegarner8888 Back at you 🤜💥🤛
Thank you for this. So well put. Screen shotting it to remember this.
@@renewed93 You're very welcome, we're all learning here. I used to think it was "normal" to "fall in love" and idealise each other when it's no more than short term type of fantasy bonding and enmeshment via coercive manipulation that puts you in a weaker position. Narcs really hate having to lovebomb us so it's only a short term strategy they'll drop to show their true colours as soon as they see you're hooked. Hooked as in detrimentally compromising you're own integrity by hyper focussing on them and neglecting yourself to their advantage! Genuine companionship, being equally yoked in purpose, respectful interactions, being able to assert yourself as needed, matched energies and values are vastly superior long term over any cheap, short term thrills that end in spills! Bishop RC Blakes is good on soul ties. God bless, may you stay renewed and sovereign sis!! xx 🙏💪💝⚔️💝✌️👋✨✨✨
Hard to have a support system because nobody can understand a trauma bond unless they have experienced one. I get a lot of JUDGMENT. Thank u for this video. 😓
I paused the video after you said you’d love to hear what came to mind when you asked our definition of what a trauma bond is. One clear cohesive sentence lol
A trauma bond, to me, is a an extremely dangerous attachment with a chaotic dynamic of fluctuating patterns of discard and love bombing.
1 year free of my trauma bond and to this day still battle emotions from the attachment but I continue to stay strong and hold my power! 🙌🏼
I was trauma bonded to my family based on my mother's codependent and controlling relationship with my father (some form of personality thing going on there) and my mentally disabled sibling. I am now middle-aged and I never felt right. Only recently did I have the strength (well, the alternate was not being here at all) to cut all contact with them.
What was confusing, was that as a child, my parents fought incessantly and they seemed to only focus on my sibling and their own issues. I was kinda left alone though I felt like I had problems (but I wasn't allowed to have any, and I had to be what everyone else wanted me to be, which was different for each person). My mother "bonded" with me at an early age with a shared "dislike"? of my father and sibling (triangulation).
This persisted for decades and I was dragged in because I didn't know any alternative and I was a child. Fast forward many years. My mother doesn't respect the minuscule boundaries I have and she gaslights and invalidates everything and offers no sympathy to anything I go through (she plays oneupmanship with me). Basically, she only wants a relationship with me if we talk about safe things and if I remain small and childlike and compliant with her emotional needs.
The most confusing thing is that over the decades she basically acknowledged that she was/is being abused by her husband and though she did separate with him a couple of times she kept on going back to him for who knows why. The last conversation we had she basically alluded to me that because she puts up with my fathers' poor treatment of her I have to as well, and that I have to accept he cares about me as he says good things to her about me (but he has not once said or done anything remotely like he even likes me to my face). So, I cut all contact.
I tried cutting contact about 20 years ago and at the time I contacted a company that organises for people to "disappear", but I was so afraid of the outcome (as I was conned into believing I was created for the benefit of others so my entire self was not mine) I didn't go ahead, but that goes to show how desperate I was and how controlled I felt. I know I am doing the right thing for myself now, but I have been so brainwashed I have to start again.
I can relate I was so gullible and naive 🙃My family abuse me most of them my son also is worse they all insane but I have forgiven them because my dad abuse my mother and all my siblings really traumatic every day .His abuse was like no other.Ģod Bless you and I understand they don't not capable. 😞
My mom is trauma-bonded to her husband, and my sister is to our mom. The common thread is CODEPENDENCY. Due to their high narcissism, they see themselves as entitled to be taken care of in every way, so in order to avoid exerting any effort of their own, they use each other. None of them are capable of healthy or effective human interaction, so they aren’t able to make friends, but become lonely very quickly, so they keep each other company. As narcs, they fear being alone or being on their own, so they settle.
That Luther Vandross song sums up their ethos succinctly: “If you can’t be with the one you love, love the one you’re with.”
Really amazing observation. Spot on! I even looked at myself in this way almost like i am the sister in your example. If you never realise whats going on and do nothing to change it.. Its cowardly.
wow! you did real good describing this! this is the worst addiction of all. im having a very hard time letting go of this monster im trauma bonded to!
The mouse experiment brought tears to my eyes. Totally hit home 😢 Perfect explanation
Same here
Hope your doing well are out of it now
Blessings to you Always 🙌💖
@@azaleaslight7243 thank you! I am out of the situation. 2 years out!
Boy this really helped me soooo much. The example of the mice was perfect for me to understand mor fully… how we let ourselves go and become almost non existent whilst stuck in the trama bond. Michelle- thank you so very much !!!
Trauma bond to me is an emotional trap
If I said everything it would make someone's day seem cloudy on a sunny day. Ill say this...the hardest part is the devaluing I experience by everyone in the inner circle of the relationship simply because they either enable or think less of you and you mourn the loss not just of the wounded inner child but literally of everyone thats connected to your trauma bond relationship. It feels like you are completely alone and in truth you probably always were around those fairweather people. To me toxic positivity is the most disgusting and degrading behavior one can face.
Great video! I went from healthy, happy, successful to a shell in 4 years with my ex and am still trying to recover from the trauma bond, but I am so thankful it happened bc the trauma that was dormant was intense.
It's the push pull and the goods and bad the ups and downs, what makes you stay trauma bond, break the bond and go no contact and block them on everything and work on yourself, now here's another thing is to stop the emotional thinking about them and learn to let go of these toxic people that don't serve you nothing at all, and don't let them stay rent free in your head 🗣️. thanks Michelle 👍🙏🦋
Thank you Michelle, you helped me understand this so much more clearly.
😨⛓Trauma Bond
My Definition: You believe that, in order to survive, you have to side with your persecutor.
You are the BEST Michele. I pay attention to your vids and this channel is helping me feel hopeful. 💟
I NEEDED TO HEAR THIS!!! I’ve been estranged from my two older sisters for ten years. What a journey it’s been…your words landed big time🌿🦋
Great distinctions and observations and well thought out information on the trauma bond and how it gets activated and how we try to figure it out. I just concluded another relationship where it got figured out sooner. And I’m still working on that issue with it myself. Thank you again Michele.
This is incredibly accurate and insightful. this is what I have been experiencing . I have been in trauma bond 20 years . You end up feeling like you deserve the punishment that is evident every day. I am only now addressing that inner child which was so important in getting some distance from Covert Narcissist. Through guided visualization I was able to meet my child and she forgave me for not protecting her. These videos have been so incredible in helping me understand and continue the healing process and break the bond/control............it is very hard work.......you have to want to live not just survive, you have to not want to die like this. Thank you Michele!
9:59 is the golden nugget everyone.. you’re amazing Michelle, thank you, you changed my life
A trauma bond is when you think being in a abusive relationship is a loving relationship this happens because of your (emotional thinking) and this is not( logical thinking) .
No such thing as Logical decision or choice making, it's all done through our emotions,
You couldn't make any decisions at all without Emotions
Emotional Intelligence 101
It's as if you were speaking directly to me. This is me. This is what I need. Thank you.
I have a problem… and yes this addiction has caused me a lot of pain and false happiness. I’m so exhausted and unfortunately I am only now leaving the situation because it became physically abusive. I have tried leaving many times before and he always got me back in. I can not allow this anymore.. he will physically hurt me, or worse… and I see that now
@@moments2photos929 I can understand you, but we have to prioritize ourselves now. Stick with it
@@moments2photos929 I’m sorry you feel that way, Daniel. I have been watching Michelle’s videos, and other TH-cam videos to encourage me to get better. I am also taking time to write down my feelings, and do things that I like to do for self care. It’s going to take time, but be patient… What are some activities or hobbies you like?
"I tried leaving... He always got me back in." Yes, like a cat with a mouse. The cat catches us, enjoys playing with us while causing us harm. Exhausted, we play dead or truly collapse in a heap. Bored with us, they find another distraction, until we try to run and hide from them. Suddenly, they are laser-focused on us until they catch us again.
@@jessicaa.6690 yes, you said it. Spot on!
Thanks for a great video...I seperated 5 times and was hoovered back easily due to mistaking the horrible addiction of a Trauma Bond as Soul Mate love.
Only from the education provided by people like yourself did I finally awaken to what I didn't understand and found the courage to leave again...seal all the cracks of communication and finally go no contact.
A synchronicity ( 11:11) guided me to NPD videos on YT and I thank the universe everyday for that or I would be lost forever by now.
Thanks for all you do ...
God bless you David. Many of us have similar stories. Survivor and lifelong learner, not victimhood, for me 👍 Reframing the narrative has helped me. All the best to you 🌟
Trauma bonded with my covert narc mom also a sexual abuse quite early in childhood..Somehow god and universe heled me to come out of them all..Thanks for such a great way of explaining it out..I can so much relate what life was for me for 41 years...
So grateful for you love and prayers from Egypt ❤️
Wow - how awesome to be able to reach and connect with people all over the world =D Thank you for your kind words!!
To me, the trauma bond is the bond that forms in a relationship of fear between a person who is dominant and in power and another person who is dependent upon that dominating person for their survival.
Super Awesome Video...Thank You...😊
bonding to deal with a mutual traumatic event, and the broken Child comes forth when those bonds are threatened.
I re introduced myself to myself. The best thing I could ever have done. ♥️ That itself was the greatest gift. The hell I suffered that brought me to that point was so bad I cannot believe I survived this all.
Thats the hardestt
MICHELLE YOU ARE SUCH A WONDERFUL TEACHER, I APPRECIATE YOU SO MUCH, YOU DESCRIBED MY SITUATION SO VERY WELL AND I HAVE BEEN WORKING ON IT, THIS GIVES MORE POWER AND DETERMINATION TO GET THERE!!!!!!!! THANK YOU SO VERY VERY MUCH!!!!!!
Sooo happy to hear my videos are helping!!!! You got this!!! Hugs
Thank you Michelle! Amazing video as always 👍🌟
Best explanation on this topic so far! Thank you Michele!
What a wonderful explanation!! Thank you. It's so true!
I just wanted to personally thank you for this video Michele 💝. It’s something I needed to hear and didn’t even know it. I find that a lot of your videos resonate very deeply with me. I’ll have questions to things, and will watch one of your videos and will find the answer I’m looking for within them. Why this video doesn’t have more views is beyond me. This is brilliant information. I love that your videos tackle the symptoms of Narcissistic abuse, ie CPTSD, Trauma Bonds, Emotional Triggers etc, as opposed to talking about and focusing solely on the narcissist and their abusive ways. You give us tools and help on how to truly heal from the abuse and trauma, although not easy the work can be done. Thank you once again, this video was so eye opening for me that I took down some notes, as I find I tend to do with a lot of your videos as they are very, very informative 💖💖.
This is the best description too date.
Your videos are great. You are one of the clearest most helpful teachers on the subject.
Prisoner comes to my mind
First thing popping up in my mind was “Control”, when hearing you say trauma bond.
Thank you Michele this message tells me I am making progress
I just want to say that there is not a single person alive in this damn world unless you're a robot, that is "whole", happy, and or have not been in some sort of trauma. People are extremely quick to cast a judgement cause it's easier.
Awesome video and analogy. Court in the morning. Wish me luck.
Brilliant explanation Michele- thank you! I could never understand how my life was successful & functional for 47 years and then suddenly meeting and partnering with a Narcissist so many years later. I did notice that the relationship wasn't right within a short time but a lot of damage had already happened. I'm back on path again. This is the first video (of 1000's of videos that I watched) that has helped me understand how trauma remains dormant (unless I just somehow wasn't hearing/understanding it before).
Epi-psychology!
Something that bonds you to a trauma... In other words it pulls you to the dirty part of the trauma, which very often has to do with the fact that the other person is malignant himself, provoking you chaos, destruction and all kinds of broken feelings... It breaks you or tries to break.. Specially when you know they do it on purpose... That s what keeps you stuck... Where there are other people, who are not malignant, and they can come close to the trauma, or even directly know the trauma, yet you don t feel bonded to it... So it has a lot to do with malignant intents, as with the traumatic situation itself.
Thank you Michelle.
This perfectly describes my mother and I. I finally realized through learning on TH-cam that it will never change. Sweet/nasty hot/cold. So sick of it. Over a year no contact now. Was this done to her? I don't get it. If it's an addiction does that mean they are addicted to their victim too? Thanks Michelle.
Mice and rats experiment really explained it 🌸
Great video
I'm ready to go to a 30 day rehab.... Let's see..."Good morning 🌅"!!
Thank you
I think I'm in a trauma bond with my government...
I found myself pressing the Play button on the top of your shelve until I realized it's actually in your room >
My immediate support system is just a few cats... Bonkers is worried about me.
I started to get nightmares again, like in when I was young…
Good explanation of a trauma bond. It will help me big time. One thing i want to know is...if someone has other diagnoses would thos same info apply or does it only apply to narcs and manipilative people.??
Sooo we should thank God for covid for exposing our trauma? 😂 😮 (Edit: realized my comment sounds sarcastic it's not. I am very greatful for covid for the growth it's brought...)
There is a silver lining, blessing and lesson in all things, if you have the ability to discern it. God bless you.
@@texuztweety true, thanks. You too. :)
It's also enlightened the world about madmen. ... And, the destruction they cause; opened everyone's eyes that could see.
Hopefully, weights the valence for women in, and entering, the court systems. 💪💫🙏
We all know when we are getting abused by a parent, boss or lover and the longer you stay whether it is good or bad there will always be a bond forever and you will never totally forget no matter how you try to trick your mind because the body alone carries a great deal of memory. The touching and hugs, kisses and sex the body remembers .Every cell in your body knows and remembers what to do . All of your 5 senses remembers everything that they encounter in your entire existence. This is what people are calling a trauma bond ! Your best bet is to get away and stay away then try to make it a distant memory .
Yes we can fall in trauma bond if we don't understand that we choose to commit in a relationship were the other person has very unhealthy psychological traits. Yes we can have also unhealthy attachment styles and be not in healthy space but is not allways the case I agree. When I fall for this person I knew that it is not stable ground and probably he is going to hurt me. BUT, :) only in this relationship til today could I have exactly what I wanted to experience in a relationship and others couldn't give this aspects to me. And also myself to share that heart space with romantic partner. So we lived that passion of ours to the fullest🎶. And it was good and it moved me and I could grow as I allways wanted in that space. But on the other hand that didn't change the fact that he was not okay as a person and is a layer💔. After 2,5 years and after the 4th brake ups I said no more of this, when he tried to come back again. Enough is enough. I worked on my trauma bond and had strength now to stay away.
I still have euphoric recalls, BUT I have a list on my phone to ground my self and remember the hurt and say NO more. Now I make my music alone and builded my own space. Yes it was wonderful together but I am more important than a new song.
😇
It’s a spiders cocoon.
first thing that came to mind was stockholm syndrome
Critique on the comment talked about in the video, Not on Michelle*
About that comment ' whole happy and healthy ' Is it really all normal to be put off by people that are not whole healthy and happy ? I ask myself. Because it sounds a little narcissistic to me. Fact is the world is full of broken damaged people and instead of accepting each other and the often undeserved suffering there is we're just gonna stick up our noses now ? How could anything be more narcissistic and I just wanna let you know , I'm really put off by that ! >< Stop the judgement, stop the contest, Stop the narcissism please
And also, I just have to wonder how ' happy healthy and whole ' anyone can be if they feel the need to look down on cancer patients or any misfortune of another person and label that as ' wrong ' This for me has all the warning labels attached
Perfectionism
Competition
Judgement and
Condemnation
Ruthlessness
Complete absence
of Compassion
Reading my message from a few weeks ago I would like to say, Please do not mistake my critical tone . I really appreciate your work Michelle and I realize you are probably unaware of that because I have not expressed it or , my comments have been critical because those were the times I felt aggravated, triggered enough to get here and make a comment. That is unfortunate because it does not reflect on how I really feel about your videos and you. This channel is a unique resource and you find the angles I can't find anywhere else on youtube. So I just felt like making the effort to say this as I'm binge watching Michelle Nieves videos and while I stand by the previous comment above in principle, I find it regretful if I alienated anyone that just really gives the wrong impression and I'm not that unfriendly of a person believe it or not >< I just get on my stool when my unfairness button is pressed. If this has taken a wrong turn, would it be possible to make a fresh start with each other ? Either way you are really appreciated
I was healthy, but entered in a Trauma Bond for way too long. Don't Narcissists use the black and white reward system to create a Trauma Bond because they get more emotional supply that way?
Unconscious unfinished business or trauma -
What we don't know will can hurt us.
Subconscious is an American bastardization of the word unconscious which concretizes the concept of the unconscious having a topographical location.
Knowing or remembering is not simply academic or cerebral.
Heal = knowing = insight = behavior -recognizing the red flags having healthier maintenance of self esteem and moving on. ( I really don't want this or deserve this).
Not healing = not remembering = behavior- acting out /the return of the repressed or re enacted /acted out - repeating in an attempt to heal, via getting the other person to change and be the mom or dad (or whomever) you wanted that you did not mourn.
Im in the middle of it. After a forced Covid séparation, ih which I managed to end this toxic relation, 12 months later, l did the mistake to les that person back in my life by giving her work in my home. She s now talking care of my dogs..... And l had à Night ses with her. Big mistake. Two days later, in public, She put me back in her old time behaviour by seducing so or being seduced, in front me. What Hurt me is not what she did, but to have disregard me, and later telling me l m a fool. I today réalise l was trauma bonded, and that l forgot my newly found me again.
Im afare l should stop listing work at my place, that no contact must be.
Thé feeling l have now, while le at home, is... Im à total strange to myself, my projets, my home
I don't know how to heal, to get pass the voices
The bond that keeps you going back to the narc.....cognitive dissonance on steroids
Except when the narcissist is your baby, that's when you should do the opposite of this advice. Narcissists are babies, and mothers are too focused on themselves and continually break the attachment bond, turning it into a trauma bond and creating a narcissist.
Please do not use these examples of animal cruelty to explain truma bond
Thank you