I recently got a call from the local authorities who said it was reported that my dogs were seen chasing kids on bikes. But my dogs don't even own bikes.
Everyone's so worried about their TV or smartphones spying on them when, in reality, it's the vacuum cleaner they should be worried about. That's thing has been collecting dirt on you for years.
Ok, my son told me one when he was only 4 years old. It was cute. Here it is. Why do sea gulls live by the sea? Because if they lived by the bay, they’d be bagels 🤪😂
I went to a restaurant and I asked the waiter what the clam strips were. He replied, “Well have you ever seen a chicken strip?” I responded, “I’ve never seen a chicken wear clothes.”
Ghandi walked everywhere and his feet became thick and hard. He went on hunger strikes and became skinny and frail and his breath was bad. Despite all this, he was still spiritual. He became known as a: super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
@@richa.s9912 The smartest M&Ms are the Ys. Because they are wise. Not stupid. Intelligent. Educated. But they still melt in your mouth, not in your hand. Unless your hand is hot and sweaty.
@@aparnashivyasen5307 A dog "bowl" is a shallow dish, or container, for holding the dog's food and/or water. In the USA, "bowling" is a game like "ten pins," where a heavy ball is rolled down a narrow wood lane towards "pins" [the object is to knock down as many pins as possible]. The joke that the man is thinking that dogs can play the "ten pins" game, while the wife is looking for the dog's food dish.
A man was sentenced to death via electric chair. The electric chair though, was sometimes faulty and not working. He sat in the chair, and was asked if he had any last words. He said “I won’t be shocked if this doesn’t work.
A man sentenced to death by electric chair was asked by the prison guard : "Any last requests ?" He looked at the guard sadly and asked him : "Will you hold my hand ?"
My wife told me she suddenly got a headache so I took up our pet cat and passed it around her head she asked me why I did that.Itold her I gave her a cat scan.
We were redoing some flower beds at my church. Someone suggested planting some herbs. I said that was a great idea … then we would have thyme for the needy.
A snail started racing in nascar. Because all the numbers were taken, they used the letter S on the car. During the race, the car was so fast, the commentator said, " Look at that S Car Go!
The silence afterwards, the sagely nodding of the head and taking a drink of coffee just makes it that much better. Edit: I fail to understand the fascination of what it is they are actually drinking. It could be one of many things, I just happened to go with the first thing that crossed my mind.
My police department's SWAT officer is Catholic. In church, he never sits in the front row. Instead, he sits about half-way back in the congregation. That's because he always focuses on the center of mass!
My mom told me when she was little, her big brother told her to call the local store and ask if they had Prince Albert (pipe tobacco) in a can. The clerk said yes, so she told him to let the poor guy out! I was drinking a glass of water and almost drown on it !!! One of these days it's going to happen to one of you guys!
I did that one Some poor clerk on the other end spent several minutes looking for it. The. We’s call a random number and ask, “Is your refrigerator running?” Upon confirmation, we’d reply, “Well, you better go catch it before it gets away!” Aah, the good old days
I have a phobia about speed bumps. I'm slowly getting over it.
That’s new 😂🤣
😂 That's good.
😂
😂😂😂
What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo... One's really heavy, the other's a little lighter
Oh the poor dog who ate the Scrabble tiles 😢 his next trip to the toilet could spell disaster…
If dogs used a toilet. That would be nice for a spell.
disaster Is 8 letters
@@williamgullett5911maybe the dog, accidentally mind you, defecated whilst running over the top of somebody's active game of Scrabble.
@@incredulousd9408 yes!!! He would have needed to use another players letter…unless it was the opening word. I should have thought about that.
Checked his poop - but turned up a blank.
People are always shocked when they find out that I'm actually not a good electrician
I'm gonna use that one
Ahahah consider this one stolen!
I like it because it is all one sentence. Gets away from the setup/punchline strategy.
Took me a moment…😂
@@katemiller5990 Ahh....a lightbulb moment😅
My wife asked me if I was even listening to her. I thought that was a strange way to start a conversation.
I laughed out loud at this one
Hahahahah
Seriously underrated Dad joke
😂
I stayed up all night wondering where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
I have a similar one with the same ending: last night I had this terrible nightmare. I can't remember it, but then it dawned on me.
Couldn't figure out why the frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.
I recently got a call from the local authorities who said it was reported that my dogs were seen chasing kids on bikes. But my dogs don't even own bikes.
How odd.
Well, obviously your dogs stole them.
Good one😂😂
I hear they will not be making 12 inch rulers any longer....
That's too bad, cause Napoleon was a good one!
Short one-liners like this are the best (no pun intended)
Why did the scarecrow get a promotion. He was outstanding in his field.
Good one. I would share it in my group. Thanks.
Everyone's so worried about their TV or smartphones spying on them when, in reality, it's the vacuum cleaner they should be worried about. That's thing has been collecting dirt on you for years.
L O L !!
Now that sucks.
The wife asked me what was on the TV. I told her , "dust"...
Thats when the fight started.
Unironically the truth
Just leave it in the woods. Nature abhors a vacuum.
I own two shirts and some neckwear that used to belong to a guy who was in The Mamas & The Papas. All the sleeves are brown, and the tie is grey.
Ok, my son told me one when he was only 4 years old. It was cute. Here it is.
Why do sea gulls live by the sea? Because if they lived by the bay, they’d be bagels 🤪😂
😅
Heard that one a hundred times… still makes me smile
So, if I hide a bag of methamphetamine or illegal narcotics in the crawl space above my ceiling, does that make that area a drug attic?🤔
@@planethedgehog2427
Hahaha. Nice 👍🏻😂
And why are elephants big, round and gray? Because if they were small, white and square they would have been a sugar cube.
I entered ten puns into a national Dad joke competition, hoping to win the top prize but unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
Beautiful ahahha
A pun is only 2/3 of a pun...PU.
@nashatbi You...are not very bright.
🔥🔥🔥
A guy at work fell into the upholstery machine. It’s OK. He’s fully recovered.
I just started reading a book on anti-gravity...I can't put it down.
The other day, I watched two snails fighting on the sidewalk.
They were really slugging it out.
Oooohhhh rrrreeeeaaallyyy ????
Yea, I heard it was a slug fest.
I rang the Tinnitus help line the other day.
The phone didn't stop ringing.
The first time I got a universal remote control, I thought "this changes everything"
I fired my contractor who installed my staircase. I didnt know if the stairs led me up or down.
I identified as a flamingo to my close friends.The abuse I got was so bad,I had to put my foot down.
I use to be addicted to the Hokey Pokey,,,,,but I turned my life around.
Happy for you. That’s what it’s all about.
And that’s what it’s all about
My friends say I'm addicted to brake fluid, but i can stop any time i want!
I once read a book on Super glue ..........I couldn't put it down ....
I saw two pair of glasses insulting one another. Guess they were making spectacles of themselves..
You guys are hilarious 😆 the comments had me cracking up! Thanks for the smiles everybody!
I don't get this one but the rest have been funny!
The other day, the waiter asked me if I wanna box for my leftovers. I declined, but did agree to wrestle for them.
I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage. It was bread in captivity.
*takes small sip*
☕️ 🗿
I went to a zoo and all they had was a little dog. It was a Shit zoo
@@ArcanePath360 I heard that joke before
I took my son to a really small zoo today, it only had one dog.
It was a Shih tzu
I got fired from my job at Pepsi yesterday...cause I tested positive for Coke!
Better told as:
I got fired from Pepsi yesterday....
They found coke in my locker
@loltom3703 not better but differently told as....however its a good line!!!...
Solid
Best chance of survival if you're surrounded by clowns? Go for the juggler.
carpe jugulum 👍
I went to a restaurant and I asked the waiter what the clam strips were. He replied, “Well have you ever seen a chicken strip?” I responded, “I’ve never seen a chicken wear clothes.”
I can’t trust stairs.. they’re always up to something
To bad you will know whats going down🤔
You can always look down at them.
Having sex on an elevator is wrong on so many levels.
And you never know where to get off ! That an Up when you're in, a down when you're out,
My dog are a bag of Scrabble tiles too. Our vet said he'd be fine after a vowel movement.
*ate 🤓
If a midget fortune teller escapes from prison, he would be a small medium at large.
Nice one
🤯🫠
😂😂😂
Excelent
😅😂
Did you hear about the guy who got his left arm and leg cut off? The doctor says he's going to be alright, but the nurse says there's not much left
I almost choked on this one
@@disuser-lp3qv1tm8f that's what she said
Me and my wife was at a motorcycle shop. She said she wanted something that goes from zero to 150 in under 5 seconds. I bought her a bathroom scale.
😂
oh damn, emotional damage
Savage
Nice grammar.
@@eb1138 bruh stfu it’s literally just “me and my wife”
Last night i kept dreaming about car mufflers, so much so that i woke up exhausted.
Ghandi walked everywhere and his feet became thick and hard. He went on hunger strikes and became skinny and frail and his breath was bad. Despite all this, he was still spiritual. He became known as a: super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
Wow.
(ok, lol)
Love it! 😂
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
You totally stole that.
@@user-xn3qm2il4l Yep! 😄
What do you call a deer with no eyes ?
No eye deer ...
What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
Still no idea
What do u call a deer with no eyes, no legs, and no genitals?
Still no f*cking idea
@@dillondank5662 What will you never see happening?
Still no f*cking idea mate!
Actually, Deer paint their testicles with glitter… it’s pretty nuts .
What cracks me up the most is the long drinks from the mugs trying not to laugh
Love these compilations. The longer they go, the funnier they become.
Dang! Your comment caused me to laugh hysterically. I think I wet myself or I spilled my beer!🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣👍 Either way, I'm going to sleep!
Whenever my depression tries to get me, I can watch some of these awesome Dads and then I am laughing again! Thank you for this channel, much love ❤️
I lost my quality control job at the M&M plant for rejecting all the Ws.
LOL 😂 but they were all E E E E E E E .
@@richa.s9912 The smartest M&Ms are the Ys.
Because they are wise.
Not stupid. Intelligent. Educated.
But they still melt in your mouth, not in your hand.
Unless your hand is hot and sweaty.
A guy got arrested for helping a lady jumpstart her car. He was charged with battery.
That dog bowl one will always be my favorite!
The best.
I don't think it's actually the joke.. just the delivery 😂
A-Lo-Ha
Can anyone please explain that joke..
I didn't get that
@@aparnashivyasen5307 A dog "bowl" is a shallow dish, or container, for holding the dog's food and/or water. In the USA, "bowling" is a game like "ten pins," where a heavy ball is rolled down a narrow wood lane towards "pins" [the object is to knock down as many pins as possible]. The joke that the man is thinking that dogs can play the "ten pins" game, while the wife is looking for the dog's food dish.
I know a German sound engineer and a Czech one too.
I had to read it thrice to get it but damn
That’s awe--some!!!
Took me a sec
I wanted a small can of soda, so I headed north, to mini-soda…
How about this:
"I asked my wife where can I buy those small cans of Pepsi?"
She said, "You have to go to Minnesota."
My wife was mad at me.
To make up I asked her to go on a date. She left on August 23.
You can have her back now, can you collect I live at ...... I'll pay for the petrol 😂
Good, clean comedy. Rarity these days. Keep it coming.
Fuck yeah twat snot
Coming... huh huh.
Now you keep it clean....
They are building a mirror factory beside my house....
I can really see myself working there.
I walked around with a roll of paper towels on my head. Then I realized I had a Bounty on my head.
With a paper towel on my hat, ON my hat!
That must have been tear-ifying.
@@Appaddict01 I was just hoping to soak it all in.
I asked my German friend today, "Heindrich, why do you have a piece of meat in the trunk of your car?"
He said, "Vell, it's my spare veal."
Nein
😂
I wanna see a good hour of these back to back.. way too funny…
Last night, I saw a documentary on how WW2 battleships were put together.
It was riveting.
Unfortunately, I can't say the same about the mining documentary I've watched, it was boring
Some of these are so bad it's funny. Love it.
Best one has to be "told my wife to embrace her mistakes, so she hugged me".
It's when she hugs the next door naber you should be worried lol or the plumber infact we should never mention embracing anything to are wives 😂
I was metal detecting at the beach and found a beautiful diamond ring. Too bad the lady was still wearing it.
LOL 😂
Was the woman near water ? because if you can get the ring wet the ring should slip right off her finger 😂
If you clean a vacuum are you a vacuum cleaner?
Vacuum cleaners suck...
Since a vacuum is empty, there nothing to clean. If you work as a vacuum cleaner, don't worry, no pressure 😉
Nice to see the village people still hang out.
A man was sentenced to death via electric chair. The electric chair though, was sometimes faulty and not working. He sat in the chair, and was asked if he had any last words. He said “I won’t be shocked if this doesn’t work.
A man sentenced to death by electric chair was asked by the prison guard :
"Any last requests ?"
He looked at the guard sadly and asked him :
"Will you hold my hand ?"
My wife told me she suddenly got a headache so I took up our pet cat and passed it around her head she asked me why I did that.Itold her I gave her a cat scan.
Should have also have had your dog check her out... that would be the Lab test.😅
You know the cementary on the other side of town? People are dying to get in there.
I pushed the envelope once. It fell off the table.
I tried pushing the envelope, but it was still stationary.
Saw a lady with some vegetables in a bag. I warned her it had a leek in it.
What do you say a mushroom who went to a party?
'A funguy'
That was in spore taste.
I have a chocolate bar called He-Him. Its got nuts. 😂
That's literally the Daily Wires, Jeremies Chocolates...lol. they have He/him with nuts and she/her without nuts. No joke...lol
you guys trying to keep a straight face makes these even more funny 🤣
We were redoing some flower beds at my church. Someone suggested planting some herbs. I said that was a great idea … then we would have thyme for the needy.
I had a great dad joke...but turns out I'm not the father
This is actually a very good one, but I can't figure out why it's not as funny as it should be!
They hide their laughs behind the mug of coffee! 🤣🤣♥️
Brilliant work lads. So simple. And the delivery is spot on!
I couldn't believe it when my wife told me my spaghetti was actually lasagna. Turns out it was an impasta.
What did the painter say to the wall? One more crack like that and I’ll plaster you! 🇨🇦
That thesaurus joke was off the charts. 15/10! 😂
It was hilarious, amusing and laughter-inducing
It was predictable, boring, and uninteresting.
A snail started racing in nascar. Because all the numbers were taken, they used the letter S on the car. During the race, the car was so fast, the commentator said, " Look at that S Car Go!
I saw three guys walk into a bar. I should have warned the third guy.
The Rae Dunn mugs somehow add all the ambiance to the atmosphere. I love to hate how much I howl at these ridiculous puns
I noticed the mugs, too.😂
Did you notice they keep changing?
I want to know how they have so many?! 😄
The silence afterwards, the sagely nodding of the head and taking a drink of coffee just makes it that much better.
Edit: I fail to understand the fascination of what it is they are actually drinking. It could be one of many things, I just happened to go with the first thing that crossed my mind.
I prefer them laughing
How do you know it's coffee?
I didn’t think it was coffee.
I definitely never thought it was coffee. 😂
I like it when they occasionally lose control and laugh, too😂
To all you TLOU2 and out there… what’s the down side to eating a clock?
It’s time-consuming…
Start with small portions. You can always go back for seconds.
The down side is from 12 to 6.
@@MelissaThompson432 good one!😂
They're making Dad jokes great again........
I couldn't stand to much coffe, so I quit for an instant.
Love these jokes, can't wait to see my grandkiddos again.
2 men were driving for hours going bear hunting. They saw a sign that said, Bear left, so they went home.
I'm an anesthesiologist. People die laughing when I use the wrong sleeping gas.
You guy are so good.....
I watch it over and over. Cause its the best, cleanest and funniest jokes on tube...
Keep it coming
Can't embrace all my mistakes, some have restraining orders against me
I gave my blind friend some money and he said "Thanks, I'll pay you back next time I see you"
“I see” said the blind carpenter, as he picked up his hammer and saw
😂😂
My police department's SWAT officer is Catholic.
In church, he never sits in the front row. Instead, he sits about half-way back in the congregation. That's because he always focuses on the center of mass!
At church police officers all sit together in the middle rows.
They concentrate on the center of mass.
Dont get it
@@beyondnow1600 Center of mass. Middle of a person's body where one shoots to stop the threat.
@@planethedgehog2427 got it 👍
The reverse phycology one took me 30 minutes to understand 😂😂😂😂
Tardre
Odd thing to be telling everyone.
* p s y c h o l o g y
Pls explain, i still don't get it
It probably took you so long because you mistook psychology for phycology.
I had a great job at Starkist Tuna. But then I got canned.
What do you call a cow with 2 legs ?
Lean beef.
A cow with no legs ?
Ground beef.
What do you call a pig with no legs?
a ground hog
What do you do when you discover your pig has no legs?
call the ham-bulance.
What do you call a dog with no legs?
Doesn't matter. He's not coming.
What do you call a woman with one leg?
Eileen
The dog bowl joke is my all time favorite. Love the videos.
The thesaurus joke, I thought the punchline was going to be "I didn't have the words."
I didn't know about that guy who evaporated. That news probably went up in smoke.
I don’t trust trees. They all seem kinda shady to me.
I LOVE YOU GUYS.!.!.!.! The best dry wit if heard in a long time.
Why doesn’t a state worker look out the window in the morning?
Because then they would have nothing to do in the afternoon.
I thought the duck one you were going to say he had "quacked lips"
My mom told me when she was little, her big brother told her to call the local store and ask if they had Prince Albert (pipe tobacco) in a can. The clerk said yes, so she told him to let the poor guy out!
I was drinking a glass of water and almost drown on it !!!
One of these days it's going to happen to one of you guys!
I did that one Some poor clerk on the other end spent several minutes looking for it. The. We’s call a random number and ask, “Is your refrigerator running?” Upon confirmation, we’d reply, “Well, you better go catch it before it gets away!”
Aah, the good old days
@@BobC59 ah yes, we pulled that one a couple of times (way before caller-ID)
These guys are getting all the material they need here in the comments! Keep em coming! 😂😂😂
Why did the restaurant on the moon fail?
Because even though the food was good, it had no atmosphere.
Two hilarious new ones! Nicely done!
Man, you guys have me howling! 😂. Totally love it.
What did the ocean say to the children....................................? ( Nothing, it just waved😎)