What did he lie to her about😂 If I say “hey babe. I’m going to get some pizza” but then I see some chicken instead that’s not a lie. That’s me changing my mind on what I want in the moment. My wife doesn’t have any say over that. And if she tries to I will put her in her place and let her know. This guy is too much of a coward to tell his wife her boundaries.
@@ceelothatmane9421true. I think the issue would be if he says "hey i just came back from the pizza place, the pepperoni was great!" Then you see he has chicken with him and ask why lie? Why not just say you wanted pizza but got chicken instead of continuing a story and leaving her doubting everything he says
@@madeleine363 but that’s not what happened so that scenario isn’t relevant to this situation. He just didn’t say anything. There’s nothing to tell. He changed his mind on what he felt like doing.
I love finding new hole in the wall casual restaurant that have great food. If I ask anyone what they had for lunch I want to know where they had the best sandwich ever, the best breakfast place or pizza. I then look up pictures and reviews on yelp. It's never because you need to explain every cent you spent.
A nauseatingly tolerant partner who gives far too much benefit of the doubt, that's how. Just ask my ex. He got away with it for 8 years and can confirm. It was totally exhausting.
A lot of people respond this way because they don't know how to verbalize their feelings because they think subconsciously that it's wrong to have feelings. Especially men. If you're in a relationship with someone who says "I don't know" a lot...there is a healthy way to discuss that. Something that helps with that is counseling .
These comments about the first caller did not disappoint. I was listening and thinking I must be crazy. That man is a classic liar who wants the benefits of marriage without being invested and held accountable.
How did you get that? It’s clear as day that his wife is a nagging brat who tries to control every aspect of his life and he’s too soft to stand up for himself
Sorry, but being monitored like that so closely, would drive everyone crazy. And I'm a woman. Unless I'm not clear on the details. She wants to do the loan together because she finds it too much alone, and fed up struggling with it while he out fishing and having fun all the time? Does she need to know every steps of his because he is a cheating type and she doesn't trust him anymore? Is she a health fanatic and wants the best for him by preparing and watching closely so he eats the best only? Why on earth would you ask otherwise what he had for lunch?! How can people waste time on such stupid conversations if it doesn't matter?
@@Shaara1 I find the stress about food and if you went out fishing or not weird too, but this guy lied about his own wife to his brother. I think it's either she's trying to connect with him in whatever way she can, or he's been sketchy about things in the past and given her reasons to be skeptical about what he says and does. Or both
“I’ve been a complete and total AH to my wife and that has hurt my marriage. I’ve also ruined two other marriages. Can you fix my marriage issues in a few minutes?”
He wants to be single with the benefits of having a wife at home. He also embellishes what he tells his brother so no one blames him when they split. 🤦🏻♀️
True. But what people that lie don't realize is that the truth will come out later. My in laws were actually on my side after enough time showed his true colors 😅
@@blueseptember2174 You stayed with someone who lied about you behind your back? That would be goodbye time for me the first time I found out about it.
@@show_me_your_kitties it happened while we were seperated and they believed him, at first. Been years now and the truth always does come out. His own family doesn't speak to him now. If he changes I'm sure they would welcome him back. But they are done with the nonsense. But boy, they put me though it at the time. It was a rough time.
As a woman I can tell you this: No one sneaks things they buy unless they know their spouse wouldn’t approve of it (OF subscriptions, Hotel rooms, lingerie, drugs, gambling etc.) So he’s definitely not being honest. And as far as her wanting to know what he’s doing…that’s normal. My husband and I always keep eachother posted on our days and what we’re up to. It’s a respect thing. There is definitely more going on here and he’s not being 100% honest with all the he’s done and why he’s being so secretive.
Sometimes people get stressed and they get sneaky and begin to use spending money / purchases to feel good. Either this man is messed up from his childhood, and if so he'll get the help,or he's lying about everything. Some people get a high from hiding and lying. The brother thing,he wanted to look like he need sympathy, all the while making her look bad. Not cool. Come clean to your brother. I wonder if his mom bought him everything as a child ,or if the brother got all the attention. It's stemming from his childhood, he lied to his brother . I wonder what his brother would say ,obviously he thought his brother would side with him if he made her sound like the bad guy. Or maybe his wife is so controlling he has to walk on eggshells
He lies to his brother about his wife because he wants to paint her as the bad guy with family and friends because he's anticipating a 3rd divorce and wants to lay the ground work to blame it all on her.
I think he was probably raised to not treat women as equals, just judging on how controlling he was in his first marriage and how he exaggerated to his brother. Contempt for women is casually and quietly passed down more often than you’d think. Men who grow up on locker room talk from men they look up to often end up like this caller
Right! I wish John would’ve questioned him harder on that. Like I need the whole story about it. It was chilling how matter of fact he was about purposely lying to his family about her
This conversation is so strained he had to ask so many questions to try and get more context from Steve it was frustrating. Can you imagine what it's like for Steve's wife, poor woman
Wow, I can’t believe you called his wife brutal. I was in a marriage where he would buy things behind my back despite our financial restrictions. Purchase like a boat or a car without my knowledge. I was working full time, doing most of the domestic chores and he became so devious about his finances. I felt like I was juggling 10 items and when I thought all was in control, he would buy another expensive item. The day he left was such a relief!!!
@@patriciaalbertson5183 a good question. Now years down the track I realise I was subconsciously planning to separate our finances for some time and we equally divided the assets upon separation. Yes, I would have left if that was my only option as I was so close to ending my life due to his devious behaviour. I kept working harder, trying to keep a lid on something that just had to explode in the end. He married again and has done the same thing to his next wife, including mounting debts that cost $17,000 a month to service. I know this as he told my grown child. He is just one of those people. One great lesson I learnt is to equally divide everything, including time with the child, as it allowed me to continue my career and not rely on him for maintenance as I knew I would never see any. Even the Family Law Court judge commented about how we had been able to achieve a reasonable settlement.
It’s a therapeutic technique (also used by detectives). You mirror the person’s negative talk about their partner and see if they double down or pivot. It helps you discover where the problem is.
First caller is immature, he doesnt want to take any accountability. He's a narcissist. She isnt the problem. He wants his cake and eat it too. No empathy for what hes doing to her.
He doesn’t want to be married. That’s fine. No big deal but stop asking women to marry you.😂 But one thing is true: there is absolutely something he’s not telling. He has some big issue that he won’t admit, probably even to himself. The doc was right about that.
I’m getting addict vibes. Even if he is not currently drinking or using, it’s still the mindset and just as bed. Lying, manipulating, not facing problems or having hard conversations, wanting things to “look good”, etc.
@@meganj2278 and to mention the gaslighting. Very dis functional. Remember it’s HIS 3rd marriage. She didn’t see any red flags with that. If this is her first marriage, then it’s normal. She just trying to connect. Totally different then control. 2 sides to a story. We only have one.
Could be a serious spending habit. He hid things he bought for others but didn't mention ONE thing he bought for his wife. That seemed to be the crux of his problem with her keeping tabs on his spending. He admitted he likes to buy stuff. He also had issues with her going in the barn or shed....why? Was it full of stuff he bought or something else @@meganj2278
@@meganj2278yes…mine has that it’s horrible and they get super defensive… this has made me check out and work on getting out. He has wasted my life 33 yrs. It’s sickening and telling me don’t bring up the past as if not everything revolves around past as past shapes the future. Long as you learn from it face it and change it.
Exactly! I was yelling that at the screen too lol. So many man babies want the benefits of marriage without making sure they’re marriage material themselves
I was the third wife (soon to be ex-wife). So much secret from him. He wanted to be single as he was still all out there flirting with other women and hated wearing his ring in public, but wanted the benefits of marriage in the form of a free maid and he also wanted me to the breadwinner.
And maybe she was upset because she likes fishing and would have joined him if he'd told her he 'd changed plans and was going to the lake now. (Many women like fishing, so this isn't an improbable scenario). If that's what happened, she'd have felt deliberately left out, unwanted.
My ex husband always thought it was funny to introduce me as "his current wife". Joke was on him, as I was the first of his 4 wives - which we all divorced this man.
Yikes! There was a guy on the show Shark Tank that introduced his business partner lady up there with him as his baby mama. They got a deal on the show and he carried her out in his arms. Turns out they were a happily married couple. You never know I guess. I thought it was funny and kind of endearing in a twisted way.
I def believe in speaking things into existence. Things I repeatedly joke about just come about! I'm sure he made that same hurtful "joke" to his other wives, and I'm sure it gave all of them pause. red flag for sure.
I'd like to know, in all his gifts buying for "friends " if he bought her gifts. Was she upset about spending because he's blowing money on everyone BUT her? Is he still obsessed with how towels are hung up etc? He sounds incredibly toxic.
@@mightymouse1005is he obsessed over little things like towels and expects certain behaviour from her, meanwhile he does wat he wants and ignores and downnplays her concerns, like spending too much money on others.
@@mightymouse1005 No, it didn't include gift buying for her. Delony actually asked him that explicitly at one point, and his response was a direct, terse "No."
My unfinished business was husband #1 for me. He treated me as if I didn't matter- the way I was treated growing up. I tried like heck to fix that man and our relationship. Til I saw it turn towards my daughter's. Then I left. I won't allow that for them. 2nd husband is my best husband and my favorite & best person I know.
I am -- and always have been -- blissfully and intentionally single. I have friends and family (and my beloved dog) with whom to socialize. I have a very close male friend for companionship and mutually exclusive relations. I have zero debt and an eight-figure net worth. Now that I'm retired, I'm finally going on fabulous vacations. Life could not be better or less stressful.
I think the first caller is a pathological liar that's why his wife doesn't trust him. He was running a money laundry business through is family. What is it with him that he had to go to such extreme? John cannot help him because he cannot be truthful.
I also felt that he was hiding a lot... still. He sounds absolutely untrustworthy. One possibility with some people is that they are publicly sharing a version of the story either with friends, associates, family members or on a podcast to see what passes the neurotyoical RADAR. This is exactly what it felt like to me. The long pauses after John’s questions a flag. That’s just my call.
She probably started some of the "controlling" behaviors because she found out he was lying about stuff and is wondering what he's hiding. I wouldn't care at all if my husband went hunting instead of fishing...or feel like he needed to tell me, but if he lied I would really wonder why he was lying and if there was a big secret.
@@ellisisland4902 it’s not that he doesn’t want to be alone. It’s that he wants someone to cook and clean for him, as well as pay the bills so he has more money to play big man on campus.
There is no way Steve is being completely honest here. So we’re all fixating on the details of who is right or wrong or controlling or abused. Bottom line is he doesn’t feel like he has any agency in his own life, so like a delinquent teenager he grabs every opportunity to feel like he’s in charge of something, and that leads him to lie and manipulate and hide things and blame and resent others for multiple “reasons.”
Heres the short answer…. People get married without doing the journey to self healing and self improvement first. Then when it goes down in flames, they say things like ….I’m not good at being married. Do the work on yourself, BEFORE you involve another person in your life. It’s a gift to them and to YOU. It’s admirable to be alone for a season and heal.
Death by 1000 cuts. This guy isn't learning: The more you lie, become avoidant, blind side or withhold, the more work it is the rebuild the trust. It's going to be hard. She's hyper sensitive and doesn't trust him for to his pathological behaviors. This will continue into future girlfriends if he divorces. He needs to look in the mirror. He's very much uncomfortable with being vulnerable. His voice is holding back in the call as well. Props for calling in because he cares that much.
He's desperately trying to manage how he's perceived by withholding info. He has admitted to as much (manages hiw he's perceived) by lying to his brother about his wife and their issues so that he himself would be seen in a more favorable (believable) light. And why is that? Usually dirty conscience and/or some selfish agenda one is working towards. Everyone tells stories of their relationships from their own perspective so it's skewed, but they don't skew things malicuously OR with intent. He did the latter to put her at a disadvantage. This is a giant red flag she should take seriously before, during, after the relationship ends. 🚩🚩🚩
Oh you are spot on, Mr. John. My ex had the same complaint about me. It was him. He wasn’t being honest with me or himself. Ultimately he didn’t love me. So sad.
This is "Passive Rebellion". Even if it's a bad choice and it hurts him - he still chooses to do the wrong thing. Why? Because ultimately he is resisting ANY authority "telling him what to do" - even his best self. His weak Nice Guy instincts cause him to talk about taking responsibility and he says that he wants to do better - but when the cards are down he always just does exactly what the passive rebel in him wants to do. Example: he says "Yes, I agree that we should only go out to eat once a week at work" and then he just feels like going outa second time and does it. He agrees that "Junk food is bad and I need to lose weight" but continues to drink soda and eat cake every day. THIS TOTALLY ERODES TRUST. His wife cannot believe anything he says because what he says and what he does are not in alignment...ever. he always does what he "feels" like doing - regardless of what he has said. He says all the right things to "get her off my back" but the variance between what he says and what he does will erode 100% of the trust his wife has in his words, his trustworthiness, and his intentions to actually do what he says he will do. No trust - No relationship. He needs a wise old man counsellor who will teach him how to hold himself accountable to himself. "Let your yes be yes and your no be no." A man that does not live by his own words is not a man - and that is what his third wife will tell him when she leaves.
Great comment. He's got mommy issues, and he sees his wives as his mom. Mom, might have been controlling, domineering, or clingy. He's trying to work his mommy issues out through his spouses. It's never going to work.
If he opens his mouth, he's lying. Trust is a big thing with some of us. He just won't talk to his wife, and he just lies to lie. And now he won't talk to her, because he just shuts down more and more. He is separating from his wife. She is in so much pain and she is feeling shut out and abandoned AND she is feeling helpless and worthless, and not worth dirt.
did anyone else catch that he wants the towels where he wants them, but he thinks it's a big deal that she wants the receipts for taxes? cuz it sounds like she asked a question, about doing something that they both most likely agreed to, like bring home the receipt, for taxes not to keep track of what he's been doing. she didn't complaine about spending or buying lunch, but because he forgot to do something she had asked him to do just like he's complaining about about the towels. but shes saying something to him, and hes saying something to his brother. I agree hem dr john said, sounds like he wants a maid, the bennifits of a relationship with out the work it takes to be in one.
He probably doesn't want her to know what he buys his "friends " Probably the same with his lunches, how many lunches and where? He buys everyone gifts but HER. He just wants to be single with a maid, chef, laundry girl etc.....
@@Shaara1 Nah. That sort of a guy is common enough, sure, but he' not the norm. He's a pathetic, immature minority, a juvenile in the body of an adult.
I'm very confused about the first call. It was a jumbled mess. The sense I got was that this guy was not being forthcoming at all. Hes trying to get answers without giving John the full context and his accountability is totally fake.
The married man isn’t being honest. It’s obvious 😩 don’t call in for help but not be 100% transparent. The first step is admitting your faults transparently. It’s hard to do so but that’s the only way things can change.
He's just looking for validation on TV so he can turn around, rub it in his wife's face and say *'see I'm not the only one who thinks YOU are the problem, not me"*
It is funny to me how it can come off as the wife is brutal and tough to the husband on his third marriage who knowingly continues to mess up and be deceptive with said wife.
This guy wants a bachelors life while married. My husband and I struggled with similar things. I was seen as strict and controlling. BUT: he committed financial infidelity multiple times with a lot of money, had a history of poor decisions with money and no, I don’t trust him right now. But we have the right thing and sought counsel and are working through. It sucks. I don’t WANT to be in control of the finances, but I have to be for the sake of the family’s wellbeing. This dude has some serious spiritual strongholds of hoarding. This gets solved with personal accountability with someone, and a whole lot of Jesus.
Major red flag for me when John asked what he’d spent and hid from his wife and he paused and then said nothing because he knew all of it. I wanted John to ask whether that was because he had always been honest or because she had found out about things he had been hiding. I’m betting he has done all kinds of things that he got caught in and now he takes everything as her being too much in his business because he has a guilty conscience. He’s trying to do with John what he did with his brother, tell the story in a way where she sounds like the crazy one by being cagey about how they got there.
@paulatobler8354 I was hoping there was a comment like this here! I had shivers down my spine when he confidently said he spends money on things and didn’t specify what it was. Whatever he’s hiding, it’s much bigger than he lets on and it’s probably why he reacting to his wife this way.
I would bet that not only does he spend money on things, I would bet he takes out loans (credit cards) to buy those things. And they are in major debt. She only knows about them now because she found out. I bet he didn't tell her.
I never had a father. Left my mom pregnant. I married a wonderful man who waited for me until I was ready. I went to college and started a career. Waited to have kids until I was ready and he was happy with all of it. We had a wonderful 21 years together. He died at 40 and now I'm okay alone raising our kids. It's hard because he was an equal partner. My mom is a strong ass woman who raised me all alone. She taught me well. People tell me I'll find love again. I doubt it. Lots of men outthere like caller #1. I can take care of myself.
Some people are pathological liars. They can't help it, can't change it, and often don't even know when they're doing it. I'm surprised this guy feels any guilt at all, usually, they don't. He can't change.
When I was a teen, I had a best friend (who I was romantic with for a few months), and then a therapist pointed out to me that they had been manipulating and abusing me for our entire relationship. I have _serious_ anxiety issues as a result of that, which was then made worse by a family friend essentially doing the same thing 5 years later. My cosmic loop? My current (and final) partner has the same name as that first abuser 😂 However, my partner is loveliness itself, and every single thing he does is the opposite of his namesake; he's validating, considerate, mindful, never blames me for little mistakes or accidents, never criticises me (he'll question my choices, sure, but never shamefully), and _everything_ is a conversation. Nearly two years together and we haven't argued once. I know it could've gone the other way. I could've married my "unfinished business" too, and I'll be forever grateful it went the other way. I know it's unlikely, but if you're reading this and have problems in your past you're still working through, I hope you find The Right One too ❤
My mind is blown 🤯 I related to the last caller and John’s personal perspective, analogy about the shower, and advice have me in tears of relief. I’m not broken…I’m not crazy….I feel hopeful for the first time in a long time! Thank you so much, Doc! I just found you/this channel a week ago and can’t get enough. I appreciate you and your team so much!
I love listening to the John Delony show right away when I get into work and then focus on working really hard for the next 5 hours so I can listen to the Ramsey show
I have a perspective on the first call that’s biased because I have a similar personality. I was heavily and brutally criticized and nitpicked about just about every tiny detail of anything I did or was for my entire childhood living at home. I grew up to be very cagey and hating any personal questions because I was so certain whoever asked didn’t actually care about me but was looking for an opportunity to cut me down over every detail of my answer. I’m healing now and what helped was my mother, who was my first critic, cutting it out. Not an easy answer because for most people that isn’t going to happen. I also had positive experiences with my husband which helped me heal. And sometimes I still get that bodily memory when my mom or even someone else asks me an innocuous question, and I have to remind myself that that was then and this was now and connection can’t happen without openness and sharing.
This guy sounds like my husband, who I learned just before our 22nd anniversary had been lying about being unfaithful for the entirety of our marriage in numerous different ways. Learning that after 22 years I was being manipulated and lied to all along has been incredibly difficult. Having suffered childhood sexual abuse at the hands of multiple men using the SAME things he has continued to use feels like the ultimate betrayal. It honestly feels like our entire life has been nothing more than one really long manipulation. The trauma of being abused and later groomed by a man in his forties at 12, only to marry and eventually be cheated on and betrayed by my husband in very much in the same manner and fashion, just kills me. He is weak and pathetic.
@@Foxie770 yeah I had healed myself, unfortunately being re-traumatized via his lies in combination with a terminal medical diagnosis has taken me out of the game. Just another gift from our heavenly father I guess. But yeah we do need to heal our trauma's. Unfortunately even when you believe you have done so we are still left with a broken surveillance system. Usually in regards to things surrounding our original trauma. Which in retrospect is what happened in my marriage. Due to my trauma I was apparently not suspicious enough. Tbh though I seriously doubt being hyper suspicious probably isn't a great thing even when you are with a good man... if there are any more of those.
He sounds like he is wanting his independence and not being accountable for being in a partnership. I feel like when John asked him about seeing others and porn I feel like he was not telling the truth. Seems like he had a real problem with being really vulnerable.
Poor Lexi! I went through postpartum depression BADDDD with my last baby and I struggled severely with being terrified of everything and intrusive thoughts for about a year. I can’t even fathom having to live like that my entire life. Poor girl! I hope she can get the help she needs because that is such an awful way to live. I’m so thankful I’m not struggling with that anymore.
That man doesn't want a wife. He wants a housekeeper. Why not just hire someone to keep you company. At least then, you won't destroy a woman's self-esteem. I cant believe you called her brutal, John. Shes not brutal, shes justifiably angry that shes married to a liar!
I have read 'the Body Keeps the Score' and heard so many reviews and friends praise it to make this exact same point. But I never understood it until John explained it to me. Thank you for being able to send the message to people that couldn't get it presented in a slightly different package.
In this case, he is so elusive , that you really need his wife’s end of the story. He could be mildly receptive to majorly receptive. My gut feel is, it’s leaning toward the major.
The first caller sounds just like my ex. He doesn’t know how he feels and everything is “fine” all the time. He buries all his feelings and lashes out and argues like nobody’s business. And then spins this sob story and acts super down on his luck to his family to gather all the sympathy, lying to everyone. A big thing he mentioned was trust and John kinda skimmed pass that. His wife does not trust him because he is a pathological liar and lies from the smallest, tiniest details, to the big things. How can someone trust you if you lie for no reason at all?? A few years in, my ex told me that his therapist said that he has a lying problem, and he doesn’t know why he lies allll the time. If I had known that, I would’ve never dated him. I cannot stand liars. You feel bad for people like that until you find out that all their sob stories are all lies, then you feel tricked and manipulated. His wife probably has resentment towards him from all the lies she keeps finding out and keeps him on a tight rope due to anxiety over his lying and probably cheating too. Marriage has to be built on trust, that’s why pathological liars have a hard time keeping a marriage going.
Seems like Steve broke her trust a long time ago and shes acting out of that. Like why are you fishing…. What has he lied about?? It’s beyond obvious that this guy is a pathological liar. He can’t be vulnerable
Yeah about the fishing and hunting, my husband does both and their is a lot of prep to do those. And the places he goes to hunt or fish are totally different. So how is he like getting all his stuff ready, weather check, fishing poles and everything, hunting weapon and gear making sure it doesn't have smell and boots versus shoes and if it's a boat getting that ready. Nothing he said makes any sense. Also I'd be upset if you say your somewhere and you go somewhere else without a text? What if their is a problem. I mean stopping to shop or lunch somewhere near your destination doesn't need to be told or maybe even stopping at a friend's but to completely just change a whole day and not even notify your partner????? Why on earth would she trust him
The first caller, he should not married nor date. He should just be friends with benefits. He wants to do whatever he wants, he should stay single. He should not lie. Marriage is being truthful to one another. You are one. He doesn't want to commit and thinks his needs are more important than his wife
This guy twice divorced with now marital issues on third marriage needs to stay single. He wants the benefits of marriage, but he also wants his independence. Therefore he needs to stay single! He said, he wants to do his own thing- then he needs to stay single!
I really appreciate the fact that Steve from Dallas called the show. He sees things in himself that he doesn't like. Now he has to be honest with himself of why he does what he does. He should talk to his wife. Maybe she has some insights that he may not. He should give her some credit. Some marriage counseling would probably help.
Geez! Compassion, peoples! I’m in a 17 year relationship with a man very much like caller #1. His childhood history dictates he must never attach in order to stay safe. Tackling those ingrained coping mechanisms is Brave. We should be celebrating a man of his age/generation reaching out! 👏😊
The first caller needs a woman for his “comforts,” but he doesn’t love women. He may have mother issues. This unfortunate woman failed to see the red flags! I wish her luck.
My ex-husband was just like Steve. He had major control issues (ie. My way or the highway) and what he often inaccurately perceived as authority. The difference between Steve and my ex is Steve is at least self-aware and acknowledges he needs to change. I will give him props for that.
The fact that he’s on his 3rd marriage sounds like repetition compulsion to me. He keeps trying to recreate the relationship with one of his parents, likely his mother, through spouses. When fair boundaries are enforced by the spouse, there is a compulsion to rebel and, eventually to individuate and separate. They typically can’t survive the separation because they’re mentally and emotionally immature; can’t adult, run a household on their own, etc., or they just won’t, don’t feel like exerting the effort. So they jump into another relationship because they want someone to take care of them, parent them. The cycle repeats itself.
He sounds alot like my husband. He puts up a fight when i ask him simple questions especially about money spent or when it comes to being and staying responsible. I think his wife wants to know thst she has someone who isnt going to eff off the rent money and shes probably wondering WHY lie if it's as simple as he just wants to go to lunch and not be questioned about it. IF YOU'RE NOT HIDING AN AFFAIR AND YOU'RE NOT GETTING ANYTHING FROM LYING THEN JUST DONT DO IT. its creating a bigger issue in the marriage because its causing doubt now.
It's a way of avoiding authenticity and intimacy. These people don't change. This guy's on wife #3 and soon enough it will be divorce, and a couple of years later, wife #4.
From the first part of the first caller, I picked up that his wife was trying to connect with him in cleaning the garage, working in the yard and other chores. His comment was when she did that he withdrew into himself. That leaves her out in the cold. Then he starts spending money by bypassing her and having his brothers spend it for him. I'm not seeing that he's invested in his marriage at all. I hope he sees a counselor and figures out what he wants in a relationship.
It sounds like his wife has been cheated on before, and his evasive behavior is triggering her mistrust. I hope they work it out, feels like there's a lot of love between them.
If you can’t commit, just tell the next partner that you won’t bend to the idea of another marriage. Some girls will still stick around hoping you’d change your mind, but stick true to yourself and don’t change your mind… unless you want a third divorce!
So, knowingly waste someone else's time and take advantage of their delusion, on purpose? That is not a solution, it's just a different kind of pathological relationship.
Wow. My husband pretty much does what he wants, and I have no problem with it most the time. Maybe I'm not normal, but I prefer my way to scrutinizing every step and thing. Life isn't perfect, but I'm a happy person, and I keep myself that way by not going nuts over stuff like this.
Sounds like u have a SupaDupa relationship! You are both adults. You don't need to be joined to the hip! As long as you both have an honest relationship, and enjoy one another: Fab!!! 🎉
First caller sounds very avoidant attachment style. There was no way this caller was going to get a resolution with John in one session. He has patterned relationship dynamics via a power structure and lies to avoid what he perceives as being scolded versus a healthy communication dynamic.
Hes definately a "dismissive avoidant " and sounds like he needs therapy to figure out why he is transferring things from childhood onto which ever woman hes married to. Example: when his wife speaks of doing tasks together, like a child, would only hear his mother telling him what to do vs. a husband hearing "we're in this together" and we're a team. He feels controlled like a child by his parent and then acts defensive additude in retaliation. Like a child would be selfish and lying to decieve his parent even over fishing to feel hes getting away with something. He definately needs therapy to understand childhood traumas. Even if its traumas from how he was raised.
If you failed at 3 marriages, you are marrying the wrong ppl or you are a bad husband. Do you come home after work? Are you home on the weekend? Are you habitually drinking? Hang out with your buddies instead of your wife? Hanging out or talking to other women. The way your wife treats you is generally a reflection of you. You are a boy in a man's body and you lied to your wife. This can't be fixed.
My ex boyfriend who cheated constantly is on his third divorce too! I wonder if I gave him a complex about marriage! After his first, he said that he should have married me and I shook my head no and said I would never! I said you’re not nice to me in a kidding but serious tone. I really think that gave him a complex about being married and it being some kind of success! The same as the caller- He doesn’t want to be told he’s wrong or held accountable!!
He is married he does not get to do his own thing. Take her with you. If she does not want to go then why then big deal. Just tell her what your doing. She wants to share his life and he does not want that.
He lies to her and about her constantly. How is she supposed to trust him? He doesn't want to. e held accountable to anyone on an intimate level. He wants his family to take his side, which is why he lies to them. Sounds like he is bad with money, and she wants to reign it in. Doc was way too soft on him, he really hold him accountable for his bs.
Well, my husband needs space and he did not do anything that would make me not trust him. He will inform me eventually, but I do not need to know everything all the time.
guys says: Idk why I’m like that, I resist some things. yea so don’t. there’s no magic pill to all of a sudden not resisting or liking what annoys you before. you gotta make a decision when those moments come up to choose to feel and do something else
1st guy is sus! He can't articulate why his 2 former marriages failed. He sounds like he is still holding back info. I can't imagine what it's like to try to communicate with him.
She’s not tough she’s sick of being lied to
Facts
What did he lie to her about😂
If I say “hey babe. I’m going to get some pizza” but then I see some chicken instead that’s not a lie. That’s me changing my mind on what I want in the moment. My wife doesn’t have any say over that. And if she tries to I will put her in her place and let her know.
This guy is too much of a coward to tell his wife her boundaries.
And this guy wants to do whatever he wants to do and gets upset when theres consequences.
@@ceelothatmane9421true.
I think the issue would be if he says "hey i just came back from the pizza place, the pepperoni was great!" Then you see he has chicken with him and ask why lie? Why not just say you wanted pizza but got chicken instead of continuing a story and leaving her doubting everything he says
@@madeleine363 but that’s not what happened so that scenario isn’t relevant to this situation. He just didn’t say anything. There’s nothing to tell. He changed his mind on what he felt like doing.
A message to men. When a wife asks what u had for lunch, sometimes it's because she wants to make sure she doesn't cook the the same thing for dinner.
I love finding new hole in the wall casual restaurant that have great food. If I ask anyone what they had for lunch I want to know where they had the best sandwich ever, the best breakfast place or pizza. I then look up pictures and reviews on yelp. It's never because you need to explain every cent you spent.
Correct
N
Regarding Caller #1: how can someone who answers "I don't know" to every question be capable of being in a relationship?!
Please be single forever. Don’t ruin other people’s life.
Add on to that, "I feel like".
That’s my husbands response to every time I want to talk to” I don’t know”
A nauseatingly tolerant partner who gives far too much benefit of the doubt, that's how. Just ask my ex. He got away with it for 8 years and can confirm. It was totally exhausting.
A lot of people respond this way because they don't know how to verbalize their feelings because they think subconsciously that it's wrong to have feelings. Especially men.
If you're in a relationship with someone who says "I don't know" a lot...there is a healthy way to discuss that. Something that helps with that is counseling
.
These comments about the first caller did not disappoint. I was listening and thinking I must be crazy. That man is a classic liar who wants the benefits of marriage without being invested and held accountable.
How did you get that? It’s clear as day that his wife is a nagging brat who tries to control every aspect of his life and he’s too soft to stand up for himself
Nope. He said he was controlling in his first marriage. I think he’s a narcissist
Sorry, but being monitored like that so closely, would drive everyone crazy. And I'm a woman.
Unless I'm not clear on the details. She wants to do the loan together because she finds it too much alone, and fed up struggling with it while he out fishing and having fun all the time? Does she need to know every steps of his because he is a cheating type and she doesn't trust him anymore? Is she a health fanatic and wants the best for him by preparing and watching closely so he eats the best only? Why on earth would you ask otherwise what he had for lunch?! How can people waste time on such stupid conversations if it doesn't matter?
@@Shaara1 I find the stress about food and if you went out fishing or not weird too, but this guy lied about his own wife to his brother. I think it's either she's trying to connect with him in whatever way she can, or he's been sketchy about things in the past and given her reasons to be skeptical about what he says and does. Or both
@@user-jk4jj4nm1q Definitely. There must be something more to this that he is not telling.
“I’ve been a complete and total AH to my wife and that has hurt my marriage. I’ve also ruined two other marriages. Can you fix my marriage issues in a few minutes?”
😂
For real
😂 ......to quote dumb and dumber......so you're saying there's a chance
He wants to be single with the benefits of having a wife at home. He also embellishes what he tells his brother so no one blames him when they split. 🤦🏻♀️
True. But what people that lie don't realize is that the truth will come out later. My in laws were actually on my side after enough time showed his true colors 😅
@@blueseptember2174 You stayed with someone who lied about you behind your back? That would be goodbye time for me the first time I found out about it.
@@show_me_your_kitties it happened while we were seperated and they believed him, at first. Been years now and the truth always does come out. His own family doesn't speak to him now. If he changes I'm sure they would welcome him back. But they are done with the nonsense. But boy, they put me though it at the time. It was a rough time.
@@blueseptember2174 I would not be talking to people that alienated me over lies. Period.
Narcissistic! He surely is a liar.
As a woman I can tell you this:
No one sneaks things they buy unless they know their spouse wouldn’t approve of it (OF subscriptions, Hotel rooms, lingerie, drugs, gambling etc.) So he’s definitely not being honest. And as far as her wanting to know what he’s doing…that’s normal. My husband and I always keep eachother posted on our days and what we’re up to. It’s a respect thing.
There is definitely more going on here and he’s not being 100% honest with all the he’s done and why he’s being so secretive.
Or the wife is very anxious about overspending and debt.
Cause she probably have reasons to be@@katherinealba6768
Sometimes people get stressed and they get sneaky and begin to use spending money / purchases to feel good. Either this man is messed up from his childhood, and if so he'll get the help,or he's lying about everything. Some people get a high from hiding and lying. The brother thing,he wanted to look like he need sympathy, all the while making her look bad. Not cool. Come clean to your brother. I wonder if his mom bought him everything as a child ,or if the brother got all the attention. It's stemming from his childhood, he lied to his brother . I wonder what his brother would say ,obviously he thought his brother would side with him if he made her sound like the bad guy. Or maybe his wife is so controlling he has to walk on eggshells
My friends mother would buy things for her and her daughter all the time without telling her husband. She told this to my mom.
I just wanna know who these “friends” are
He lies to his brother about his wife because he wants to paint her as the bad guy with family and friends because he's anticipating a 3rd divorce and wants to lay the ground work to blame it all on her.
3rd divorce
@@nikkimclay5474lol like 4th is any different from 3rd
Guarantee she's not the first wife he's smeared behind her back so he looks victimized.
I think he was probably raised to not treat women as equals, just judging on how controlling he was in his first marriage and how he exaggerated to his brother. Contempt for women is casually and quietly passed down more often than you’d think. Men who grow up on locker room talk from men they look up to often end up like this caller
Right! I wish John would’ve questioned him harder on that. Like I need the whole story about it. It was chilling how matter of fact he was about purposely lying to his family about her
This conversation is so strained he had to ask so many questions to try and get more context from Steve it was frustrating.
Can you imagine what it's like for Steve's wife, poor woman
Wow, I can’t believe you called his wife brutal. I was in a marriage where he would buy things behind my back despite our financial restrictions. Purchase like a boat or a car without my knowledge. I was working full time, doing most of the domestic chores and he became so devious about his finances. I felt like I was juggling 10 items and when I thought all was in control, he would buy another expensive item. The day he left was such a relief!!!
Maybe John was trying to get the guys feelings on the table, get him to see how he is portraying things.
I bet. And would you have ever left?
@@patriciaalbertson5183 a good question. Now years down the track I realise I was subconsciously planning to separate our finances for some time and we equally divided the assets upon separation. Yes, I would have left if that was my only option as I was so close to ending my life due to his devious behaviour. I kept working harder, trying to keep a lid on something that just had to explode in the end. He married again and has done the same thing to his next wife, including mounting debts that cost $17,000 a month to service. I know this as he told my grown child. He is just one of those people. One great lesson I learnt is to equally divide everything, including time with the child, as it allowed me to continue my career and not rely on him for maintenance as I knew I would never see any. Even the Family Law Court judge commented about how we had been able to achieve a reasonable settlement.
he was being sarcastic to get the guy to admit how he was describing her… 😂❤
It’s a therapeutic technique (also used by detectives). You mirror the person’s negative talk about their partner and see if they double down or pivot. It helps you discover where the problem is.
First caller is immature, he doesnt want to take any accountability.
He's a narcissist. She isnt the problem. He wants his cake and eat it too. No empathy for what hes doing to her.
He doesn’t want to be married. That’s fine. No big deal but stop asking women to marry you.😂 But one thing is true: there is absolutely something he’s not telling. He has some big issue that he won’t admit, probably even to himself. The doc was right about that.
I’m getting addict vibes. Even if he is not currently drinking or using, it’s still the mindset and just as bed. Lying, manipulating, not facing problems or having hard conversations, wanting things to “look good”, etc.
@@meganj2278 and to mention the gaslighting. Very
dis functional. Remember it’s HIS 3rd marriage. She didn’t see any red flags with that. If this is her first marriage, then it’s normal. She just trying to connect. Totally different then control. 2 sides to a story. We only have one.
Could be a serious spending habit. He hid things he bought for others but didn't mention ONE thing he bought for his wife. That seemed to be the crux of his problem with her keeping tabs on his spending. He admitted he likes to buy stuff. He also had issues with her going in the barn or shed....why? Was it full of stuff he bought or something else @@meganj2278
@@meganj2278yes…mine has that it’s horrible and they get super defensive… this has made me check out and work on getting out. He has wasted my life 33 yrs. It’s sickening and telling me don’t bring up the past as if not everything revolves around past as past shapes the future. Long as you learn from it face it and change it.
He wants a woman to sleep with and do wifey behavior, but don't want a partner or relationship. I hope she dumps him. She deserves so much better.
So a mother
The first guy is a child so she treats him like a child.
Why do women date men that act like children then?
Bingo
Exactly! I was yelling that at the screen too lol. So many man babies want the benefits of marriage without making sure they’re marriage material themselves
I was the third wife (soon to be ex-wife). So much secret from him. He wanted to be single as he was still all out there flirting with other women and hated wearing his ring in public, but wanted the benefits of marriage in the form of a free maid and he also wanted me to the breadwinner.
😮
Yeah .. well.... There you go! Hanging with the brother in strip clubs, by chance? Why'd he bother calling in?
I’m sorry 💔 hope you find healing and joy in life
Makes more sense than anything he said
He sounds like he gets a kick out of acting like a defiant, troublesome child. She should get rid of him.
Marriage number 3 guy is sketchy. His story doesn't make since because he's leaving out the largest puzzle piece.
Fishing vs hunting matters if he has been a liar in the past. A "hunting trip" changed my life forever with my ex.
How was the deal?
And maybe she was upset because she likes fishing and would have joined him if he'd told her he 'd changed plans and was going to the lake now. (Many women like fishing, so this isn't an improbable scenario). If that's what happened, she'd have felt deliberately left out, unwanted.
YEP! A "business trip" turned into a whole secret vacation he took behind my back and I never trusted him again...divorced now.
He LIED to his brother because he wanted to be seen as the good guy and his wife as the bad guy
My ex husband always thought it was funny to introduce me as "his current wife". Joke was on him, as I was the first of his 4 wives - which we all divorced this man.
Whoa that's crazy. Do you think that saying about how there is a bit of truth in joking is true?
Yikes! There was a guy on the show Shark Tank that introduced his business partner lady up there with him as his baby mama. They got a deal on the show and he carried her out in his arms. Turns out they were a happily married couple. You never know I guess. I thought it was funny and kind of endearing in a twisted way.
Woah so glad you got outta there
😂
I def believe in speaking things into existence. Things I repeatedly joke about just come about! I'm sure he made that same hurtful "joke" to his other wives, and I'm sure it gave all of them pause. red flag for sure.
There is more to this first caller. I'd like to hear her side of the story, I think there would be a WHOLE other load of information!
I'd like to know, in all his gifts buying for "friends " if he bought her gifts. Was she upset about spending because he's blowing money on everyone BUT her? Is he still obsessed with how towels are hung up etc?
He sounds incredibly toxic.
@@mightymouse1005is he obsessed over little things like towels and expects certain behaviour from her, meanwhile he does wat he wants and ignores and downnplays her concerns, like spending too much money on others.
@@mightymouse1005 No, it didn't include gift buying for her. Delony actually asked him that explicitly at one point, and his response was a direct, terse "No."
My unfinished business was husband #1 for me. He treated me as if I didn't matter- the way I was treated growing up. I tried like heck to fix that man and our relationship. Til I saw it turn towards my daughter's. Then I left. I won't allow that for them. 2nd husband is my best husband and my favorite & best person I know.
I'm SO glad I found this channel! It makes me REALLY glad I'm single, don't date and celibate.
I am -- and always have been -- blissfully and intentionally single. I have friends and family (and my beloved dog) with whom to socialize. I have a very close male friend for companionship and mutually exclusive relations. I have zero debt and an eight-figure net worth. Now that I'm retired, I'm finally going on fabulous vacations. Life could not be better or less stressful.
Same!! It's enough drama to just listen to, glad I don't have to live through it.
I think the first caller is a pathological liar that's why his wife doesn't trust him. He was running a money laundry business through is family. What is it with him that he had to go to such extreme? John cannot help him because he cannot be truthful.
Yes 👆
I also felt that he was hiding a lot... still. He sounds absolutely untrustworthy.
One possibility with some people is that they are publicly sharing a version of the story either with friends, associates, family members or on a podcast to see what passes the neurotyoical RADAR. This is exactly what it felt like to me. The long pauses after John’s questions a flag.
That’s just my call.
He is SUS to be in a relationship with.
@dabd8175 what nonsense are you spewing? It is a crime what does that have go do with females
👏👏👏👏
The most dangerous people we have in our society are people like this.
She probably started some of the "controlling" behaviors because she found out he was lying about stuff and is wondering what he's hiding. I wouldn't care at all if my husband went hunting instead of fishing...or feel like he needed to tell me, but if he lied I would really wonder why he was lying and if there was a big secret.
I agree. He lies to his wife so often and bad-mouths her to his family, of course she is going to try to find out what he's up to.
Stop getting married dude.
He offers marriage to ensure he won’t be alone. He needs someone near him he just doesn’t want the responsibility.
@@ellisisland4902narcissist do that very type of thing
Yeah he acts single in a marriage. The end.
@@ellisisland4902 it’s not that he doesn’t want to be alone. It’s that he wants someone to cook and clean for him, as well as pay the bills so he has more money to play big man on campus.
He wants the benefits of marriage, but the freedom to do what he wants. He should just date someone long term and not move in.
And ruin that ladies life too? Lol
Seriously
@@shola7987if it’s a dating relationship
I agree but in a relationship a guy needs to be truthful
He shouldn't date at all
There is no way Steve is being completely honest here. So we’re all fixating on the details of who is right or wrong or controlling or abused. Bottom line is he doesn’t feel like he has any agency in his own life, so like a delinquent teenager he grabs every opportunity to feel like he’s in charge of something, and that leads him to lie and manipulate and hide things and blame and resent others for multiple “reasons.”
Thats right on the money!
Why would she trust him or not push back at him after he lied and kept secrets. He doesn't deserve her trust.
Heres the short answer…. People get married without doing the journey to self healing and self improvement first.
Then when it goes down in flames, they say things like ….I’m not good at being married.
Do the work on yourself, BEFORE you involve another person in your life. It’s a gift to them and to YOU. It’s admirable to be alone for a season and heal.
👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾🥳
💯🫶
You can do the work IN marriage. That’s actually what marriage is designed for, self discovery, reflection and, discovery.
I wasn't good at relationships either. Until I quit trying to fix every one else and started fixing ME......
Caller 1 is. A piece of work.
Death by 1000 cuts. This guy isn't learning:
The more you lie, become avoidant, blind side or withhold, the more work it is the rebuild the trust.
It's going to be hard.
She's hyper sensitive and doesn't trust him for to his pathological behaviors.
This will continue into future girlfriends if he divorces. He needs to look in the mirror. He's very much uncomfortable with being vulnerable. His voice is holding back in the call as well. Props for calling in because he cares that much.
He's desperately trying to manage how he's perceived by withholding info. He has admitted to as much (manages hiw he's perceived) by lying to his brother about his wife and their issues so that he himself would be seen in a more favorable (believable) light. And why is that? Usually dirty conscience and/or some selfish agenda one is working towards. Everyone tells stories of their relationships from their own perspective so it's skewed, but they don't skew things malicuously OR with intent. He did the latter to put her at a disadvantage. This is a giant red flag she should take seriously before, during, after the relationship ends. 🚩🚩🚩
Caller #1: Don't believe a word this baby man says. Grow up dude.
Baby man! Lol. 🤣
Somethings way off about him
@@abbyxiong3931😂
Oh you are spot on, Mr. John. My ex had the same complaint about me. It was him. He wasn’t being honest with me or himself. Ultimately he didn’t love me. So sad.
This is "Passive Rebellion". Even if it's a bad choice and it hurts him - he still chooses to do the wrong thing. Why? Because ultimately he is resisting ANY authority "telling him what to do" - even his best self. His weak Nice Guy instincts cause him to talk about taking responsibility and he says that he wants to do better - but when the cards are down he always just does exactly what the passive rebel in him wants to do. Example: he says "Yes, I agree that we should only go out to eat once a week at work" and then he just feels like going outa second time and does it. He agrees that "Junk food is bad and I need to lose weight" but continues to drink soda and eat cake every day. THIS TOTALLY ERODES TRUST. His wife cannot believe anything he says because what he says and what he does are not in alignment...ever. he always does what he "feels" like doing - regardless of what he has said. He says all the right things to "get her off my back" but the variance between what he says and what he does will erode 100% of the trust his wife has in his words, his trustworthiness, and his intentions to actually do what he says he will do. No trust - No relationship. He needs a wise old man counsellor who will teach him how to hold himself accountable to himself. "Let your yes be yes and your no be no." A man that does not live by his own words is not a man - and that is what his third wife will tell him when she leaves.
Absolutely
Great comment. He's got mommy issues, and he sees his wives as his mom. Mom, might have been controlling, domineering, or clingy. He's trying to work his mommy issues out through his spouses. It's never going to work.
Thank you from your comment.
*for
Excellent analysis and 💯 on point.
If he opens his mouth, he's lying. Trust is a big thing with some of us. He just won't talk to his wife, and he just lies to lie. And now he won't talk to her, because he just shuts down more and more. He is separating from his wife. She is in so much pain and she is feeling shut out and abandoned AND she is feeling helpless and worthless, and not worth dirt.
did anyone else catch that he wants the towels where he wants them, but he thinks it's a big deal that she wants the receipts for taxes? cuz it sounds like she asked a question, about doing something that they both most likely agreed to, like bring home the receipt, for taxes not to keep track of what he's been doing. she didn't complaine about spending or buying lunch, but because he forgot to do something she had asked him to do just like he's complaining about about the towels. but shes saying something to him, and hes saying something to his brother. I agree hem dr john said, sounds like he wants a maid, the bennifits of a relationship with out the work it takes to be in one.
He sounds like a narcissist
@@aprilchow-chee5281
He sounds like a guy! :)
He probably doesn't want her to know what he buys his "friends "
Probably the same with his lunches, how many lunches and where?
He buys everyone gifts but HER. He just wants to be single with a maid, chef, laundry girl etc.....
@@Shaara1 Nah. That sort of a guy is common enough, sure, but he' not the norm. He's a pathetic, immature minority, a juvenile in the body of an adult.
I'm very confused about the first call. It was a jumbled mess. The sense I got was that this guy was not being forthcoming at all. Hes trying to get answers without giving John the full context and his accountability is totally fake.
Yup. He's the common denominator in all 3 marriages.
The married man isn’t being honest. It’s obvious 😩 don’t call in for help but not be 100% transparent. The first step is admitting your faults transparently. It’s hard to do so but that’s the only way things can change.
He's just looking for validation on TV so he can turn around, rub it in his wife's face and say *'see I'm not the only one who thinks YOU are the problem, not me"*
Wow when he was V offered help he didn’t even say thank you no repose at all. Sounds like He is waiting for wife to leave
My husband let's me know what he doing. We have a calendar where we both write down our activities. Its called being married. We never argue about it
This guy is a straight up piece of work
It is funny to me how it can come off as the wife is brutal and tough to the husband on his third marriage who knowingly continues to mess up and be deceptive with said wife.
He meant that the caller made his wife sound brutal. More of a sarcastic slant.
@@LivingInSimcoeCountyOntario I would hope so.
Dang, Dr. Delony. You really figured Steve out. You had me laugh out loud- "...Ugh, I didn't save the receipts!!!"
This guy wants a bachelors life while married. My husband and I struggled with similar things. I was seen as strict and controlling. BUT: he committed financial infidelity multiple times with a lot of money, had a history of poor decisions with money and no, I don’t trust him right now. But we have the right thing and sought counsel and are working through. It sucks. I don’t WANT to be in control of the finances, but I have to be for the sake of the family’s wellbeing. This dude has some serious spiritual strongholds of hoarding. This gets solved with personal accountability with someone, and a whole lot of Jesus.
Major red flag for me when John asked what he’d spent and hid from his wife and he paused and then said nothing because he knew all of it. I wanted John to ask whether that was because he had always been honest or because she had found out about things he had been hiding. I’m betting he has done all kinds of things that he got caught in and now he takes everything as her being too much in his business because he has a guilty conscience. He’s trying to do with John what he did with his brother, tell the story in a way where she sounds like the crazy one by being cagey about how they got there.
@paulatobler8354 I was hoping there was a comment like this here! I had shivers down my spine when he confidently said he spends money on things and didn’t specify what it was. Whatever he’s hiding, it’s much bigger than he lets on and it’s probably why he reacting to his wife this way.
I would bet that not only does he spend money on things, I would bet he takes out loans (credit cards) to buy those things. And they are in major debt. She only knows about them now because she found out. I bet he didn't tell her.
I never had a father. Left my mom pregnant. I married a wonderful man who waited for me until I was ready. I went to college and started a career. Waited to have kids until I was ready and he was happy with all of it. We had a wonderful 21 years together. He died at 40 and now I'm okay alone raising our kids. It's hard because he was an equal partner. My mom is a strong ass woman who raised me all alone. She taught me well. People tell me I'll find love again. I doubt it. Lots of men outthere like caller #1. I can take care of myself.
Steve sounds like he's not telling us everything. I suspect an addiction (probably that "buying stuff") snd the wife is keeping a close eye on him.
Some people are pathological liars. They can't help it, can't change it, and often don't even know when they're doing it. I'm surprised this guy feels any guilt at all, usually, they don't. He can't change.
When I was a teen, I had a best friend (who I was romantic with for a few months), and then a therapist pointed out to me that they had been manipulating and abusing me for our entire relationship. I have _serious_ anxiety issues as a result of that, which was then made worse by a family friend essentially doing the same thing 5 years later.
My cosmic loop? My current (and final) partner has the same name as that first abuser 😂 However, my partner is loveliness itself, and every single thing he does is the opposite of his namesake; he's validating, considerate, mindful, never blames me for little mistakes or accidents, never criticises me (he'll question my choices, sure, but never shamefully), and _everything_ is a conversation. Nearly two years together and we haven't argued once.
I know it could've gone the other way. I could've married my "unfinished business" too, and I'll be forever grateful it went the other way. I know it's unlikely, but if you're reading this and have problems in your past you're still working through, I hope you find The Right One too ❤
My mind is blown 🤯 I related to the last caller and John’s personal perspective, analogy about the shower, and advice have me in tears of relief. I’m not broken…I’m not crazy….I feel hopeful for the first time in a long time!
Thank you so much, Doc! I just found you/this channel a week ago and can’t get enough. I appreciate you and your team so much!
“ Kelly does drugs” 😂 thank you for keeping it light and fun
Why are you married, dude? It doesn't seem like you want to be in a partnership or marriage.
He keeps getting married because his first wife left him after he messed up so bad so he's trying to make her jealous with his new relationships
The first caller is leaving a lot out…there’s more to this
For sure.
I love listening to the John Delony show right away when I get into work and then focus on working really hard for the next 5 hours so I can listen to the Ramsey show
His immaturity and not working together in a marriage
I have a perspective on the first call that’s biased because I have a similar personality. I was heavily and brutally criticized and nitpicked about just about every tiny detail of anything I did or was for my entire childhood living at home. I grew up to be very cagey and hating any personal questions because I was so certain whoever asked didn’t actually care about me but was looking for an opportunity to cut me down over every detail of my answer. I’m healing now and what helped was my mother, who was my first critic, cutting it out. Not an easy answer because for most people that isn’t going to happen. I also had positive experiences with my husband which helped me heal. And sometimes I still get that bodily memory when my mom or even someone else asks me an innocuous question, and I have to remind myself that that was then and this was now and connection can’t happen without openness and sharing.
This guy sounds like my husband, who I learned just before our 22nd anniversary had been lying about being unfaithful for the entirety of our marriage in numerous different ways. Learning that after 22 years I was being manipulated and lied to all along has been incredibly difficult. Having suffered childhood sexual abuse at the hands of multiple men using the SAME things he has continued to use feels like the ultimate betrayal. It honestly feels like our entire life has been nothing more than one really long manipulation. The trauma of being abused and later groomed by a man in his forties at 12, only to marry and eventually be cheated on and betrayed by my husband in very much in the same manner and fashion, just kills me. He is weak and pathetic.
I’m so sorry. You deserve so much better
So sorry. What are some things you are gonna do to start the healing process? You deserve so much better❤
You have to heal yourself. That’s why you attracted a man like him.
@@Foxie770 yeah I had healed myself, unfortunately being re-traumatized via his lies in combination with a terminal medical diagnosis has taken me out of the game. Just another gift from our heavenly father I guess. But yeah we do need to heal our trauma's. Unfortunately even when you believe you have done so we are still left with a broken surveillance system. Usually in regards to things surrounding our original trauma. Which in retrospect is what happened in my marriage. Due to my trauma I was apparently not suspicious enough. Tbh though I seriously doubt being hyper suspicious probably isn't a great thing even when you are with a good man... if there are any more of those.
@@Foxie770don’t victim blame. That’s shitty.
He sounds like he is wanting his independence and not being accountable for being in a partnership. I feel like when John asked him about seeing others and porn I feel like he was not telling the truth.
Seems like he had a real problem with being really vulnerable.
but alot of men (but not all of course) are taught from boyhood that being vulnerable is like being a woman, being a sissy, makes you weak etc.
Poor Lexi! I went through postpartum depression BADDDD with my last baby and I struggled severely with being terrified of everything and intrusive thoughts for about a year. I can’t even fathom having to live like that my entire life. Poor girl! I hope she can get the help she needs because that is such an awful way to live. I’m so thankful I’m not struggling with that anymore.
So glad I found John a few days ago! He looks like a mix of Robin Thicke and Simon Cowell. ❤
True
lol I see it too
He’s gorgeous 😊
😂😂😂😂
Woooooah 🤣 imagine how his wife must feel if John immediately said he “feels like he’s cheating” and is “missing a puzzle piece”
That man doesn't want a wife. He wants a housekeeper. Why not just hire someone to keep you company. At least then, you won't destroy a woman's self-esteem.
I cant believe you called her brutal, John. Shes not brutal, shes justifiably angry that shes married to a liar!
Sad situation, but I have heard the chance for divorce(statistically) increases with each subsequent marriage.
Marriage is the #1 cause of divorce. If folks worked backwards, they could remedy their plight.
If you go into David's Bridal and they ask "Your usual?" it's time to stop
@@briskettacos 😂
I have read 'the Body Keeps the Score' and heard so many reviews and friends praise it to make this exact same point. But I never understood it until John explained it to me. Thank you for being able to send the message to people that couldn't get it presented in a slightly different package.
In this case, he is so elusive , that you really need his wife’s end of the story. He could be mildly receptive to majorly receptive. My gut feel is, it’s leaning toward the major.
Elusive*
*deceptive
The first caller sounds just like my ex. He doesn’t know how he feels and everything is “fine” all the time. He buries all his feelings and lashes out and argues like nobody’s business. And then spins this sob story and acts super down on his luck to his family to gather all the sympathy, lying to everyone. A big thing he mentioned was trust and John kinda skimmed pass that.
His wife does not trust him because he is a pathological liar and lies from the smallest, tiniest details, to the big things. How can someone trust you if you lie for no reason at all?? A few years in, my ex told me that his therapist said that he has a lying problem, and he doesn’t know why he lies allll the time. If I had known that, I would’ve never dated him. I cannot stand liars. You feel bad for people like that until you find out that all their sob stories are all lies, then you feel tricked and manipulated. His wife probably has resentment towards him from all the lies she keeps finding out and keeps him on a tight rope due to anxiety over his lying and probably cheating too. Marriage has to be built on trust, that’s why pathological liars have a hard time keeping a marriage going.
Seems like Steve broke her trust a long time ago and shes acting out of that. Like why are you fishing…. What has he lied about?? It’s beyond obvious that this guy is a pathological liar. He can’t be vulnerable
Yeah about the fishing and hunting, my husband does both and their is a lot of prep to do those. And the places he goes to hunt or fish are totally different. So how is he like getting all his stuff ready, weather check, fishing poles and everything, hunting weapon and gear making sure it doesn't have smell and boots versus shoes and if it's a boat getting that ready. Nothing he said makes any sense. Also I'd be upset if you say your somewhere and you go somewhere else without a text? What if their is a problem. I mean stopping to shop or lunch somewhere near your destination doesn't need to be told or maybe even stopping at a friend's but to completely just change a whole day and not even notify your partner????? Why on earth would she trust him
He’s triggered if she asks any details about his life. Why be married? Just go be single and have nobody question anything you do.
I am so THANKFUL for the last caller! That has shed so much light for me! I know what we are working on in therapy this week 😊
He went through trauma, and the sad part of this, is he is acting like a teenager, as a defense mechanism
And she's suffering
He needs to be single. He's not a team player. It's okay, but recognjze it then find peace in a single sport.
The first caller, he should not married nor date. He should just be friends with benefits. He wants to do whatever he wants, he should stay single. He should not lie. Marriage is being truthful to one another. You are one. He doesn't want to commit and thinks his needs are more important than his wife
This guy twice divorced with now marital issues on third marriage needs to stay single. He wants the benefits of marriage, but he also wants his independence. Therefore he needs to stay single! He said, he wants to do his own thing- then he needs to stay single!
I really appreciate the fact that Steve from Dallas called the show. He sees things in himself that he doesn't like. Now he has to be honest with himself of why he does what he does. He should talk to his wife. Maybe she has some insights that he may not. He should give her some credit. Some marriage counseling would probably help.
Geez! Compassion, peoples!
I’m in a 17 year relationship with a man very much like caller #1. His childhood history dictates he must never attach in order to stay safe. Tackling those ingrained coping mechanisms is Brave.
We should be celebrating a man of his age/generation reaching out! 👏😊
The first caller needs a woman for his “comforts,” but he doesn’t love women. He may have mother issues. This unfortunate woman failed to see the red flags! I wish her luck.
My ex-husband was just like Steve. He had major control issues (ie. My way or the highway) and what he often inaccurately perceived as authority.
The difference between Steve and my ex is Steve is at least self-aware and acknowledges he needs to change. I will give him props for that.
I love how John goes through the possibilities, checking off the list until he hits the nail on the head! Then, he takes their hand and pulls them up!
The fact that he’s on his 3rd marriage sounds like repetition compulsion to me. He keeps trying to recreate the relationship with one of his parents, likely his mother, through spouses. When fair boundaries are enforced by the spouse, there is a compulsion to rebel and, eventually to individuate and separate. They typically can’t survive the separation because they’re mentally and emotionally immature; can’t adult, run a household on their own, etc., or they just won’t, don’t feel like exerting the effort. So they jump into another relationship because they want someone to take care of them, parent them. The cycle repeats itself.
First guy is a child. Straight up. So she treats him like one so he doesn’t blow up the house. Set her free, dude. You’re the problem.
He sounds alot like my husband. He puts up a fight when i ask him simple questions especially about money spent or when it comes to being and staying responsible. I think his wife wants to know thst she has someone who isnt going to eff off the rent money and shes probably wondering WHY lie if it's as simple as he just wants to go to lunch and not be questioned about it. IF YOU'RE NOT HIDING AN AFFAIR AND YOU'RE NOT GETTING ANYTHING FROM LYING THEN JUST DONT DO IT. its creating a bigger issue in the marriage because its causing doubt now.
It's a way of avoiding authenticity and intimacy. These people don't change. This guy's on wife #3 and soon enough it will be divorce, and a couple of years later, wife #4.
From the first part of the first caller, I picked up that his wife was trying to connect with him in cleaning the garage, working in the yard and other chores. His comment was when she did that he withdrew into himself. That leaves her out in the cold. Then he starts spending money by bypassing her and having his brothers spend it for him. I'm not seeing that he's invested in his marriage at all. I hope he sees a counselor and figures out what he wants in a relationship.
First caller. He’s deceptive.! he’s completely closed off! In short, he’s afraid to be vulnerable. He doesn’t even know who he is. Poor wife!
It sounds like his wife has been cheated on before, and his evasive behavior is triggering her mistrust. I hope they work it out, feels like there's a lot of love between them.
Praying for Steve and his wife, may they work through his struggles ❤
If you can’t commit, just tell the next partner that you won’t bend to the idea of another marriage. Some girls will still stick around hoping you’d change your mind, but stick true to yourself and don’t change your mind… unless you want a third divorce!
Don't understand why anyone would marry someone that already has 2 divorces. The chance of a 3rd divorce is around 70%; don't like those odds!
@@jeromehenry4484 because they have the same situation. people that have been married twice, marry the same person.
@@jeromehenry4484you’ve read my mind. Red flag telegraphing incoming disaster.
So, knowingly waste someone else's time and take advantage of their delusion, on purpose? That is not a solution, it's just a different kind of pathological relationship.
Wow. My husband pretty much does what he wants, and I have no problem with it most the time. Maybe I'm not normal, but I prefer my way to scrutinizing every step and thing. Life isn't perfect, but I'm a happy person, and I keep myself that way by not going nuts over stuff like this.
Same!
Sounds like u have a SupaDupa relationship! You are both adults. You don't need to be joined to the hip! As long as you both have an honest relationship, and enjoy one another: Fab!!! 🎉
First caller sounds very avoidant attachment style. There was no way this caller was going to get a resolution with John in one session. He has patterned relationship dynamics via a power structure and lies to avoid what he perceives as being scolded versus a healthy communication dynamic.
Yeah he needs to do some work around his mother. I bet you that's what it is.
Yeah.
Great discussion with the young lady with her fears. Hoping she gets through this completely and quickly and finds peace and joy ❤❤
Hes definately a "dismissive avoidant " and sounds like he needs therapy to figure out why he is transferring things from childhood onto which ever woman hes married to. Example: when his wife speaks of doing tasks together, like a child, would only hear his mother telling him what to do vs. a husband hearing "we're in this together" and we're a team. He feels controlled like a child by his parent and then acts defensive additude in retaliation. Like a child would be selfish and lying to decieve his parent even over fishing to feel hes getting away with something. He definately needs therapy to understand childhood traumas. Even if its traumas from how he was raised.
Sounds like Beavis , he needs a pot head friend and a couch
If you failed at 3 marriages, you are marrying the wrong ppl or you are a bad husband. Do you come home after work? Are you home on the weekend? Are you habitually drinking? Hang out with your buddies instead of your wife? Hanging out or talking to other women. The way your wife treats you is generally a reflection of you. You are a boy in a man's body and you lied to your wife. This can't be fixed.
My ex boyfriend who cheated constantly is on his third divorce too! I wonder if I gave him a complex about marriage! After his first, he said that he should have married me and I shook my head no and said I would never! I said you’re not nice to me in a kidding but serious tone. I really think that gave him a complex about being married and it being some kind of success! The same as the caller- He doesn’t want to be told he’s wrong or held accountable!!
He’s totally cheating on her. Poor her
He is married he does not get to do his own thing. Take her with you. If she does not want to go then why then big deal. Just tell her what your doing. She wants to share his life and he does not want that.
He lies to her and about her constantly. How is she supposed to trust him? He doesn't want to. e held accountable to anyone on an intimate level. He wants his family to take his side, which is why he lies to them. Sounds like he is bad with money, and she wants to reign it in. Doc was way too soft on him, he really hold him accountable for his bs.
The 2 times divorced man sounds extremely controlling, selfish, arrogant, and doesn't need to be married.
Well, my husband needs space and he did not do anything that would make me not trust him. He will inform me eventually, but I do not need to know everything all the time.
guys says: Idk why I’m like that, I resist some things.
yea so don’t. there’s no magic pill to all of a sudden not resisting or liking what annoys you before. you gotta make a decision when those moments come up to choose to feel and do something else
Honestly I think his Lady just cares for him and he’s running from her. He doesn’t really want accountability.
1st guy is sus! He can't articulate why his 2 former marriages failed. He sounds like he is still holding back info. I can't imagine what it's like to try to communicate with him.