"A husband is not your wife performing for you so you feel good about yourself." Dang. I was taught that growing up and needed that 5 second reality check. Thank you brother.
I feel this caller hasn’t thought about his role in creating a family life in the way he fantasizes. How is he teaching and guiding his kids to make their beds? What is he doing to support his wife emotionally?
@@annt7384 This is such a good comment. I didn't think about that. There is some inflexibility with some people because they have a certain view about how their life should be and break down when this isn't that way. So yes, they become abusive. This caller (the husband that criticises) clearly has some narcissistic features. I think the conversation made him think more about his ideas about life.
@@ciobalina7445 True; he was 100% focused on results (clean, orderly house) without any regard to how that’s done and his role in making that happen. He wants his family to support his own crippling ego.
John is honestly a national treasure. He is extremely intuitive as to what each person needs. Everything he told the woman struggling to get her Ph.D is exactly what I needed.
I’d do just about anything for an apology and talk like the first caller was advised to give. Women deserve to be held and cherished when they do the same for their families. We’re overlooked too often. It hurts.
Last caller is delusional. If she truly wants to get married and have kids and a family then she needs to dump the inmate and move on. Inmates will go on and on about their innocence and they will drag you into it. Otherwise she’s stuck with someone who won’t be there for a long time.
Procrastination is a symptom of overwhelm, burnout and sometimes depression. Emma still really loves what she wants to achieve but she needs to listen to her body and give herself grace. Can’t work yourself out of burnout and it can take years to recover.
The first caller isn’t telling the whole truth. “Criticizing” is probably not the half of it. He’s most likely unbearable and that’s why she’s leaving. Probably the kids want him gone too. He probably prevents all peace for everyone in that house.
I LOVE to see comments like yours that aren't daft willfully blind dummies falling for the bullshxx these kinds of XYs spew in these kind of calls 😮💨🙄
@@ericalashan1923EXACTLY ‼️ It honestly still annoys me to see the multitude of other commenters saying "he's taken the first step, he admits his faults, he really wants to change & do better".... How FUXXING crazy. That's why people like us are classified (in my & others like us) as SURVIVORS/previously victims WHOM ARE GASLIT/OSTRACIZED/VICTIM-BLAMED & SHAMED all because they for some reason cannot pick up on the manipulation , lies & holes in the information being relayed to them out of these abusers mouths ❓❓❓❓❓❓
For what is worth, I have taught my kids to say, "Thank you," when someone apologizes to them (and I have taught myself to do the same). Not, "I forgive you," because you don't have to be ready to forgive someone just because they're ready to apologize. Not, "It's okay." It's a very humbling thing to apologize to someone and for them to say, "Thank you," especially when, for your (my) whole life, the default response to an apology is, "It's okay." When that's what we're used to, we come to expect to be excused immediately from what we've done wrong. When someone thanks someone for an apology, there's a sense that it was deserved, it was owed. And it's not over: the acknowledgement has been made, but there's still work to do.
And when you say, "Thank you," in response to an apology, you recognize (at least in your speech) that you deserve to be treated well. You don't deserve to be treated badly. You assert your own dignity.
You nailed it! Forty years and I’m finally learning that with my therapy sessions. I say thank you now too when people apologize. Teach your kids that response now, when they’re younger. It’s so much better for their mental health and a lot cheaper per hour too. LOL
I think you've got it mixed up. When you say *Thank You* in response to receiving an apology you are implying that something was not owed. In fact you are saying the person saying Thank You did you a favor. An Apology is NOT a favor you do to someone.
Emma, I get it! Burnout IS REAL! Blending before and after, your Self and your mothering, your social status as an adult and your ROLE caring for littles... It's so hard to synthesize them into a coherent Self.
My boyfriend is often criticizing me and settling external standards like the way I throw away rubbish that if I don't do I get scolded, and lands us in a fight because I do not like being treated like a naughty child for what I consider petty matters. This call was quite a wake up call. I really don't want to live like this and don't quite get what drives his behaviour but it is starting to get to me after two years.
Look up narcissistic abuse syndrome and narcissistic abuse. It could explain things~ or, he could just be treating you like a child and he needs a wake up call. You are a fellow adult to him, not his child. He should treat you with love and respect ❤
I would never stay with a man who was convicted of child molestation. I don't care what he says. If he's in prison for it, they have to have proven that something happened. She's wasting her time with him. And she wants a kid?? With him??
Exactly! Watching videos on the “after” of what happens to the pdf files on Chris Hanson’s show was really eye opening. Even with all of the evidence the shows gives police, most of the characters still get such a light sentence and many of them go on to reoffend
The last caller: You are sentencing yourself to a life with a man that will be restricted in where he can go and who he can be around. He won't be able to go to your family gatherings, barbecues, or church events if children are present. You're sentencing yourself to his same conviction.
It seems to me like she started dating him when he was in prison, and not before. I can't believe this woman said she wanted kids and then proceeded to date a prisoner convincted of child molestation. There is no way he is innocent when he's been in jail for 6 years already. That's very rare and I didn't hear any convincing thing about how exactly he ended up there. Often times women who date such prisoners have some mental issues. I think she was either desperate because she felt rejected by men or she is trying to avoid real intimacy. Or maybe she is just avoiding trying to think about or solve her own problems by focusing on his, which seem larger than hers. The irony is that she claims she always made the righy choice,but she's ignoring that in reality she has not. Choosing to ignore eligible men when you're in your 20's is not a socially correct choice. Also, having in vitro fertilization at 32 is not common as at that age you can still easily find a man who wants kids. Neither is choosing to date a prisoner convincted of child molestation a correct choice socially. Her narrative about herself does not fit who she really is based on her actions. She has consistenly been choosing the non-traditional path in the last 10 years, but won't acknowledge that. Like the dr says, she needs to own up to her actions. It's like she is desperately trying not to know herself.
Mom’s brain changes physically when having children! It is scientifically proven. Hope she sees this, this is what helped me. Read Hannah Keeley’s - Mom Fog: 8 Steps to Overcoming Mom Fatigue Syndrome - life changing!
She is 33 with three little kids in a foreign country . That is mentally and physically exhausting . She needs to break from her thoughts of study until she is settled and maybe the kids are at school .
@@CaToRi-the women I know who keep perfect homes tend to be pretty neurotic. I spent a lot of time and money furnishing my own home and it looks great -- when everything is in its place, which is rare 😂 I'm actually about to tidy up right now. One of my goals is to spend a little time tidying every morning. Usually I'm so excited to start working as soon as I have my coffee that it gets put off.
OH MAN this hits hard! I’m a 34 year old Biologist turned stay at home mom of 2 young children and I can’t stop scrolling social media and TH-cam. The news and talks of WWIII, complete economic collapse… I feel paralyzed and isolated
I love how Dr John talked to the first man. It’s honestly beautiful to see a man wanting to seek redemption; essentially that’s what we all need, from those we felt hurt by. I’m encouraged by this.
It’s astounding to see this type of husband to realize his terrible behavior. I hope he truly humbles himself and realizes his wife probably tolerated a lot before she got here.
He is spot on. Give her lists of what you appreciate, what you like about her & what she does. Give her list of pros & cons in areas of disagreement or decisions. Have her give her pro & con list on same. Mark out the. things that match on both, then work on the difference s that are left Clean house together 1 room @ a time Encourage the kids to join in helping out. Have a set time of 10 minutes a day that is just for you & your wife to talk about your day.. The kids will realize that Daddy loves Mommy & they will feel secure & behave better. Number 4 is HUGE. One said, the closer you're standing together, the quieter you have to speak. Play the audio version of the Bible by Alexander Scourby or Johnny Cash or David Suchet or whoever. Play worship music. Pray, just one liners work. Shop together after going over the list together. Take her on a date Take her to church . Tithe. Have a certain amount for giving & saving.. If you split up, you will regret it.
I can relate so much to the second caller. When I listened to the call I was like she needs to read the 15 minute formula and the 12 week year. Both books are awesome and helped me channel my goals while being a mom to 3 little ones. Dr. John was so right about cherishing the season you are in.
This first caller has hope for his marriage. He is taking the first steps and is trying. He admits his ways even if he doesn't truly see them for what they are. It takes time, reflection, and a plan.
@fireflyc1 That's not an option for everyone, ma'am. Some people need daycare to work (and daycare can be subsidized in the case of the very poor, so they would save nothing by becoming stay at home parents, but they would lose out on another income). Again - "save money by becoming a stay at home parent" is a middle class statement
Words are empty. Action is needed for the first caller. Clearly he doesnt know what action to do. Being critical really stems from perfectionism. And he cant let go of that perfect world his family is not bringing. Until he let go of the perfect world, and love his family as imperfect people, it will get worse. He has to stop that perfectionism crap.
That last caller…Is insane…She became so lonely that she went ahead and lied to herself about finding the perfect man for her (which previously didn’t exist) but in the story her dream man is being kept from her by a corrupt judicial system, and a false accusation, keeping her from obtaining the life that she deserves. This is the largest case of victim mentality I have ever seen or heard in my life.. (she created the whole scenario to keep her from the reality that is poor choices, leading her to where she is currently) That’s so crazy! Imagine if people with the power to create these scenarios in order to remain a victim, flip the script in their own head, and use the same power to make their life the life they want. The fear of failure is so real and people won’t admit that is what they are doing to themselves.
“ Can my Marriage be saved?” Hits home. This was me I wish I had done this 25 years ago, threaten to divorce. I finally had enough of this behavior. Sometimes you have to do what’s right for you. I’m so happy this young couple and especially this husband is seeing the problem and wants to save his marriage. Blessings to your family.
This is week one of living with my brother-in-law. You described what’s happening with my marriage perfectly I’m trying to sort it out. I got signed up with counseling and I’ve already had my first appointment. Thank you John for everything.
Best of luck to you. Admitting and seeking help for your problems is the 1st step. I hope you are able to take responsibility for your part and how you can make changes needed to make you and your families lives all you want them to be! It's not easy, but it can be done. A lot of people refuse to put their ego aside and accept their own responsibility so once again, much respect to you for seeking help to be a better you! Peace, love and happiness to you and your family!
Firstly, I absolutely adore this show! There's always a great piece of wisdom that can be taken from John. This one's so so sad for me as my Dad was like this growing up. Always very harsh & critical with a low fuse. He never learned to love himself and that's so sad. I know he regrets how he behaved but he'd never admit it and would never apologise. Just like his own dad. We're all breaking generational patterns. I hope this man follows this advice & lives a wonderful life 🙏 ❤
The second caller is right it is hard to make friends in the winter in Canada. Nobody walks around nothing much happens. Best thing is to join a group, sign up for a recreational activity as a mother she can take kids to places with other parents. Canadians are nice but not always warm.
Owning your choices is one of the hardest things you can do. Grieving is also hard to do when you're not recognizing how your actions that lead you there, intentional or not.
Yes, but Dr John was able to call him out. His experience gave him the foresight to know the problem he was dealing with. I’m amazed he was able to analyze it with what the husband told him.
He doesnt want to identify the actions of removing the perfect world he wanted his kids and wife need to fit in. He has controlling behavior, perfectionism, critical and being angry all the time. These traits are found in narcissism.
To the second caller, I feel for you. I understand you. But one practical bit of advice is stop making excuses for the weather. Get some warm clothes designed for your climate. Layer, layer, layer. And then get outside every morning for a long walk or run or whatever. That sunlight and fresh air is game changing.
The 2nd caller was like he was speaking right to me. It is so hard to let go and grieve the plans that didn't come to fruition. It's been years. I have changed. I don't have the drive to do those things anymore. Maybe I burnt out in the grueling process of getting my doctorate...and then all the adrenaline that was keeping me going crashed afterwards. I have to set my own deadlines and schedule and I hate it. I will rewatch and take notes. I have to finally embrace this season instead of pretending like I am still the me of my "glory days."
I completely feel for the mom that called in. I have been married for almost 20 years and we have 5 wonderful children and my husband recently retired from the military and I'm just a stay at home mom and feel like I haven't accomplished anything because I didn't further my education after high school... She's probably depressed from all the changes and doesn't have a good self care routine or a supportive team of friends and family nearby. I hope she finds happiness soon. ❤
To the mom who called in. I say this with love. If your not working, then pull your kids from daycare and pour into those babies. They're only young for such a small fraction of time. Being a mom is the highest blessing and most fulfilling accomplishment. Good luck to you❤
If you pull your children from daycare you can lose your placement, so only do this if you won't need to get a job and have spare time (months to a year) to re-enroll them.
In a new country where she hopes to remain permanently, it's essential the kids are in daycare so that they can begin to try to fit in and learn the culture.
Amen. Amen. Amen. Use your brains & education to teach your own kids. They need you. The school system stinks. Preach man. Preach Pour your research & your learning into your kids. They need to learn. They need to have your love for learning. They are your priorities. Your kids will be gone in a few heartbeats.
Kids need to be in daycare by age 4. This is critical for social development. If you see a person that can’t control their emotions, their impulsions, come off as emotionally stunted.. more than likely, they didn’t go to daycare before 4.
Totally agree wait until they go to school and get a job at the school district. If you don't take care of your kids you will take care of your grandkids.
If you can boss around your partner then you can boss around yourself. Excellent suggestion!! If you can tell me that* it’s not done then you can help me complete the task!!!
My dad and I could have had a very different relationship if he had only uttered those 2 very important words - 'I'm sorry'. My dad is gone now and I'm left feeling an odd mixture of relief, sadness and regret for the relationship we could've had. My dad wasn't a bad guy, but he squandered our relationship for the sake of his ego and un-dealt with sh*t... It's so true, that you remember people for how they made you 'feel'... nothing matters more - everything else they did, is secondary.
I love that he almost always advocates for marriages to stay together. Most ppl are saying just leave these days but he isn’t. I love that that is what marriage is and ppl need to stop just treating marriage like a business transaction that they want to cancel when one partner doesn’t hold up their end of the bargain and they want to quit immediately. I love it thank you Dr D
Thank you for this call from Emma, I feel the same in New Zealand. 4 countries in two years and all those shelling back home and brutal violence there, and professional loneliness. Thank you for all those advices ❤
just moving event wanted move scores very high on the stesss scale but people dontknow ad so are not kind ad gentle to overcome the stress ad damage.dont underestimate how much a move costs even when a wanted one. military discover this but blame there marriages when they dont understand.
Can I say one of my favorite parts of this show is Kelly and John brother sister relationship. “I might have signed us up for this bet…” 😂 I was cracking up, brother sister vibes
We needed more context on that first call. But the caller is not telling everything. It was like pulling teeth. What kind of stuff does he criticize her about?
The first caller admitted he has this perfectionist standards for his kids and wife cant reach. So we all know he was yelling, shouting, screaming at home like tantrums everytime he doesnt see it.
He clearly needs to do more to help at home. It’s NOT all on his wife to make sure she’s working 24x7, but he gets a GD break every time he comes home from work. He made those kids, he ALSO gets to bathe them, clothe them, feed them, play with them, cater to them when they’re sick, teach them, put them to bed, etc.
Dude, business called... I was just having a realization of how I'd been a blowhard and what I used that to escape from... and was listening for how to face it... when a business partner called and I had to hear that... gotta listen to this one again so it sinks in and so I hear the helfpul. Thank you, Team Ramsey, for bringin' callers like this to the table. Cheers to their success as much as your own.
Johns podcast is a good stepping stone for most of humanity in becoming self aware. Definitely a beginner self awareness haha but we all are at different frequencies so it’s necessary to have teachers everywhere.
I like that the first caller is wanting to change and admiring his faults. A lot of people would not do it. Hopefully he will make the changes he needs to.
To this incredible caller I salute you. What a gentlemen calling in to get help.. 🎉 Super proud of this gentlemen. I hope and trust you will see this comment.
Emma, I considered myself quite the academic and prided myself on my accomplishments. Last year I felt exactly as you described and it was unfortunately the final year of my bachelor’s degree. Doing anything felt like I was walking through sinking mud. I felt terrible about myself. Looking back, I realise that I was terribly depressed and it manifested in exhaustion and the inability to carry out tasks that used to be fairly easy for me. I saw a psychiatrist about 2 months ago and he increased my antidepressant medication. Within about a week I noticed massive change in myself and I have more energy to execute tasks. Please know that you are not alone.❤ I suspect that you may be struggling with depression and highly encourage you to see a professional who can help you with that❤
"Don't read the comments on your story cause you're gonna get moronic idiots who don't know how to hold a marriage together." So true. Sometimes we down here just suck. Kudos John for calling us out too man.
I don't like the advice to the PhD mom. She's asking for how can she be more motivated. I'd advice trying out small things that used to excite her. I was in a runt like that too. I loved working fast paced jobs. And wasn't motivated to move after I got comfortable even though I didn't find excitement. Then I went back into a community of entrepreneurs and felt alive again. It got me applying and now I'm in love with the new jig
This really is theeeee......best mental health podcast channel evertrrrri sooooo wish they made more like you in my area. Hell I wish I could find even 1/3 of someone like you. Love all you guys. XOXO. Dana from Pa
Emma, on the off chance you’re seeing these, I’ve been where you are. I was doing what I had always wanted, had such a clear idea of what I needed to write and I just couldn’t. I did end up forcing my way through but it was awful and I carried so much self disgust. A few months on I took a complete break, gave myself some time to live life completely differently. Took a break from all the pressure, tried things I’d never done purely for fun, did a lot of different physical things from hiking to dancing to yoga, took a break from the news and read only for pleasure, reconnected with my family and friends. There was a point when I just naturally recovered, and felt this urge of what I wanted to do. Ever since then I’ve had a balance I’d never had before. I’ve gone back to work with the ease I’d lost, and it’s just all so different now. My huge regret is that I didn’t do this before. Looking back now, I wish I’d listened to my body when it told me to stop, to take a break - I lost time and that’s all we have. And so please do listen yo your body. Take some time, check on what’s possible in Canada - see about maybe learning to ski or some other winter activity, or find an indoor class, try reading groups, or a class in something you always thought would be fun. Take some time, the PhD will be there when youre ready ❤
This reminds me of my boyfriend's behaviour - he often scolds me for external standards that I don't live up to - like the way I need to throw away rubbish, or pack the dishes. I don't know what drives his behaviour but it's getting to me after two years.
The first caller: how about $25 to his wife for every criticism? How about he continues to emotionally support his wife and family from the 31st day and onwards? How about not expecting sex on his terms and not being affectionate to his spouse throughout the 23 hours and 50 minutes? By the way, why didn't you ask him if he's ever physically struck his wife and children to make himself feel superior?
I hate what feminism has done for mothers. Being a mother is the most important job/position/occupation/you name it, thing in the world. You are raising human beings to be good and happy and collaborative for our world. It makes me so sad and mad that women beat themselves up after having children because they feel they’re not contributing in other areas of their lives. I too felt feelings of inadequacy after having my son. I could have been going to college, I could have been going to work every day. But I realize that I only had a minute amount of time to pour into him. So I read and I did research on how to be the best mom I could be to him. And I tell you what, it has been the most satisfying thing I’ve ever done in my life. Handing my son tools to navigate this world is very rewarding.
Over population fully negates the importance of propagation. Plus, damn-near every female could do it. It's not that special, especially if we look at how many families are raising children morally/ethically.
I relate to this first guy so hard core. Here I am sobbing at what dr. John is saying because I realize that my extremely high expectations are a reflection and projection of the internal turmoil of my own personal value and unmet expectations for myself. Also, a great ministry for marriage with an incredibly high success rate is Married 4 Life through the 2=1 ministry. If you’re struggling, I highly suggest checking it out.
Hubby is a selfish prick. She should go ahead with her plans for divorce, probably. Ten years of being devalued, disregarded, and disrespected is enough.
Dr. John, you are brilliant,warm, intelligent, and absolutely changing the world in which ways most of us strive to become. How I wish you could be the hero of my life,teach me how to forgive myself, stop listening and accepting the shame I don’t really don’t deserve by the way.. But it constantly rears its ugly head. I am gaining knowledge with each show I have t he privilege of watching. You are gifted and may God bless you. May I say to you, sincerely, THANK YOU! P.s. 🤘🏽
@Emma if you see this reach out to me. I was in your shoes, moved to Canada and lived the same experience you’re living. I’m happy to talk to you if you want.
This man is so brave to be so honest about everything. Admitting that there’s a problem is the first step to solve it. Hope he gets better and that he’s able to be the man he wants to be for his family ❤️
It hurts so much how little we think of mothers these days. As though there is no value in raising the next generation. Yet at the same time we are told we need to raise kids, and have a booming career at the same time. Sure some do it. And good on them. But there is value in every kind of good mother.
You guys don't understand the magnitude and expectations of what immigrants go through.....it was tough to listen to the second caller. John reminds her she has pushed 3 kids in 10 years and what she says immediately is that, that is the bare minimum what is expected of her....in other words, it's nothing.....and that education is the absolute definition of what success is defined by. Times have changed but to me, this was a reflection of who brought her up and how her childhood was shaped as far as what success is...... John, you said it severally...... Relax, you r in a different season, give yourself more grace and all of that fell on deaf ears.....because she truly, truly doesn't know how to let go. I feel for her.....but it's the pressure that has been put in her since she was born. It's haaaard y'all. Very very hard......and what makes it worse is that you cannot rely on your community because it's taboo at that point. You almost always have to detach yourself from your culture and just do you.....and that is the hardest thing ever.....coz you have to grieve what was, all that you know and start embarking on learning something new to better yourself. Yeah, she has a very long way ahead of herself.....the biggest battle for her will be herself.
I don't that many of these men just plain think the wife doesn't know much and that's why they don't respect her feelings, opinions, or instincts. They should change what they think about their wives, not just their words. Even if he does the dishes, I'd be hearing his criticism that's going on in his head because it wasn't done. They really need to understand that there isn't unlimited, uninterrupted time.
Second caller is beyond the point of exhaustion. Been there. She's going to crack. She needs a break. After i earned my MA, 6 years of 3 hours of sleep, FT teaching I broke. I landed in so many psych wards. 14 rounds of ECT. Ended up on full time disability. I ran myself into the ground. It's taken over10 years to recover. I had two young children at the time. Two lengthy custody battles as well.
I feel like the first caller could be my SO.. nurse, marine, avoidant, stressed, unempathetic, and very very sensitive to anything that could remotely come off as criticism.
For the woman who beats herself up for not finishing her study. Sometimes life gets in the way and it all gets too much. You are busy taking care of the kids and the home. That's a job in itself. A human isn't made to work 24/7. You have to enjoy life and have spare time to relax. If you can't find the energy to work on your study, your body and mind is talking to you to take it slow. To recover from 3 pregnancies, from moving to another country. It sounds to me you are having a burn out. Seek help!
Dr John I’m in tears. Your advice might have saved my 18 year marriage ❤. I felt like the unpaid maid after I worked 40 hours a week. He worked 40 hours mowed the yard ☝️ time a week I had the house laundry cooking dishes and school homework of OUR THREE BOYS. WHILE HE CAME HOME WATCHED TV. 📺. I LEFT WITH THE BOYS. HE BOUGHT. Porsche car. Guess he was glad we all left him I hate him 😮
I don't know who needs to hear this, but you can manage to look forward to your most despised chore if you bundle it with something you really like. I never thought I would come to look forward to tidying the kitchen, ever. But now that I put my earbuds in and launch a podcast or a favorite playlist, tidying the kitchen at night has become part of my decompression before bed. That and it's lovely to wake up to a clean kitchen. It's not everyone's cup of tea and doesn't have to be, but you really can reframe the way you approach things that have caused all sorts of conflict.
Second call:Oooff… I totally understand her. Poor woman is putting tons of pressure on herself to leave up to her ideal…to complete her vision of what an accomplished and successful woman is supposed to be. I think Dr. D is missing a piece of the puzzle, and is the difference of cultures. American people have a different view on education than folks from other countries. Specially, Asian, African, Latin or middle east. Folks from these places have an extremely defined and rigid indoctrinated mindset of what success is, and is insanely ingrained in their minds from a young age, so is normal to them. Also, what Dr. D don’t understand is the cultural mindset and lifestyle of an immigrant (I am an immigrant), and is that most of us escaped dictatorships, poverty, violence, so to us being here in USA is a huge privilege, so we look at it from the lens of guilt. Like we have to feel grateful that we got so lucky to not only move here but lucky to be documented, which makes a HUGE difference, since undocumented immigrants have a way harder time than documented ones. So we have this guilt and pressure that our families and ourselves put on ourselves to succeed in this country no matter how hard it is, cuz failing is not an option for us. Failing means death metaphorically and in reality. We immigrants are terrified of not taking advantage of the opportunities offered here in order to succeed according to our culture and belief systems. And it’s such a double edged sword, cuz in one way that fear and guilt motivates us to work hard and keep pushing through, but on the other hand, can make us sick, and break us down, and such thing would absolutely hinder or slow down our progress, achievements and success at best, and kill us at worst. Referring to call three: I wonder why I never dreamed of a wedding or having kids. I just wanted to have a metal band and perform, get my psychology degree, have pets, a wonderful partner and good friends. I could never relate to other women who fantasized obsessively about weddings and babies.
For all the "Emma"s out there, honestly the best bit of advice about hinging your life one thing, for me weirdly came from Tangled of all places: "What if [my dream] is everything I want it to be? What then?" "Well, that's the best part: you get to find a new one." Don't base your life on one moment, on one achievement, on one goal. Because life _will_ carry on afterwards, and it'll feel like you have nothing left. It will also make the rest of your life feel hollow whole you're still reaching for it. So instead of having that one big dream, just make it a goal that's part of a bigger picture. You'll be so much happier.
Mum with 3 kids here You are mentally exhausted Give yourself a rest you will get back to it when your body is ready Also I would try go home for a visit if you can
First caller: my ex had a similar conversation with our counselor. He said no way. That was my answer and I am very much enjoying keeping my own company, come to find out I'm super fun
"When it doesn't line up with my vision . . ." thats the thing - when we live in a committed relationship of any kind, the important stuff gets figured out with all the parties in charge, not just one. Otherwise it's not a relationship, it's an autocracy.
To the lady whose life hasn’t turned out as she planned, I can tell you that Life rarely turns out as we planned. The purpose of Life is how we grow and mature dealing with the unexpected and very difficult challenges and choices you are presented with. Always choose prayer and the right choices, so you can be very proud and have a good conscience when you look back at your life at the end of it. Be at peace with those choices knowing you chose for the right reasons before God. All the best.
If a woman really wants to be a mother as Megan said, why is adoption not an option? Her chances to be a mother are not truly over. She chose a felon (innocent or not) over her dreams.
Hmmm I was convinced it's much harder to adopt a kid, then to become a parent?! Like , adoptive parents must be married and wealthy and healthy and mentally stable (unless you are celebrity buying your kids in africa!)..as an adoptive parent you must be perfect. As for regular, bio parents..they can be junkies, criminals, single, polysmorous, jobless, homeless...you name it -less...
"A husband is not your wife performing for you so you feel good about yourself." Dang. I was taught that growing up and needed that 5 second reality check. Thank you brother.
I feel this caller hasn’t thought about his role in creating a family life in the way he fantasizes. How is he teaching and guiding his kids to make their beds? What is he doing to support his wife emotionally?
@@annt7384 This is such a good comment. I didn't think about that. There is some inflexibility with some people because they have a certain view about how their life should be and break down when this isn't that way. So yes, they become abusive. This caller (the husband that criticises) clearly has some narcissistic features. I think the conversation made him think more about his ideas about life.
@@ciobalina7445 True; he was 100% focused on results (clean, orderly house) without any regard to how that’s done and his role in making that happen. He wants his family to support his own crippling ego.
John is honestly a national treasure. He is extremely intuitive as to what each person needs. Everything he told the woman struggling to get her Ph.D is exactly what I needed.
Same, girl. SAME.❤
I’m not American but I wholeheartedly agree 🥹
"Service and leadership comes underneath people and lifts them up, it doesn't lord over them" 😭👐🏿that's a whole word!
Yep
A big misconception for many people, that Leadership is all about Being the Best, and demanding others are perfect.
I really wish my husband and I had Dr. John as our marriage therapist. He has no problems being honest and calling out people.
100% Wow that would have been amazing! We have Dr John now, but you’re right, we also needed him back when…
I love the sound of this woman’s voice. Through the sadness, I can hear a beautiful person in her soft voice. I wish I were her neighbor.
I’d do just about anything for an apology and talk like the first caller was advised to give. Women deserve to be held and cherished when they do the same for their families. We’re overlooked too often. It hurts.
Last caller is delusional. If she truly wants to get married and have kids and a family then she needs to dump the inmate and move on. Inmates will go on and on about their innocence and they will drag you into it.
Otherwise she’s stuck with someone who won’t be there for a long time.
And, she has never really spent time with him -- just her and him together without others being visible.
She doesn't really know him.
Yeah,she clearly has some mental issues. She also doesn't want to accept responsibility for her own choices and actions.
Procrastination is a symptom of overwhelm, burnout and sometimes depression. Emma still really loves what she wants to achieve but she needs to listen to her body and give herself grace. Can’t work yourself out of burnout and it can take years to recover.
My thoughts exactly. She sounds very depressed and burnt out.
The first caller isn’t telling the whole truth. “Criticizing” is probably not the half of it. He’s most likely unbearable and that’s why she’s leaving. Probably the kids want him gone too. He probably prevents all peace for everyone in that house.
Been there...I "escaped" after 8 years. One word...ABUSE.
Check if he respected Mom. How was Mom and Dads marriage.
14:20 - oh damn you got a shout-out. Very cool.
I LOVE to see comments like yours that aren't daft willfully blind dummies falling for the bullshxx these kinds of XYs spew in these kind of calls 😮💨🙄
@@ericalashan1923EXACTLY ‼️ It honestly still annoys me to see the multitude of other commenters saying "he's taken the first step, he admits his faults, he really wants to change & do better".... How FUXXING crazy.
That's why people like us are classified (in my & others like us) as SURVIVORS/previously victims WHOM ARE GASLIT/OSTRACIZED/VICTIM-BLAMED & SHAMED all because they for some reason cannot pick up on the manipulation , lies & holes in the information being relayed to them out of these abusers mouths ❓❓❓❓❓❓
How can a random man be accused by a random kid of molestation. Of course he's guilty. That woman is delusional, because she doesn;t want to be alone.
And she won’t be adopting a kid with that guy in the picture. What a mess she is settling for.
Wow. Innnocent unless proven guilty by the courts. There are plenty of cases where men were falsely accused.
@@BarnzTThe’s in prison so yes, he was found guilty.
@@sarahg4327 As if men who were in prison falsely accused were not innocent. There are plenty of cases of men going to jail for false allegations.
Not everyone who is pronounced guilty, is.
For what is worth, I have taught my kids to say, "Thank you," when someone apologizes to them (and I have taught myself to do the same). Not, "I forgive you," because you don't have to be ready to forgive someone just because they're ready to apologize. Not, "It's okay." It's a very humbling thing to apologize to someone and for them to say, "Thank you," especially when, for your (my) whole life, the default response to an apology is, "It's okay." When that's what we're used to, we come to expect to be excused immediately from what we've done wrong. When someone thanks someone for an apology, there's a sense that it was deserved, it was owed. And it's not over: the acknowledgement has been made, but there's still work to do.
And when you say, "Thank you," in response to an apology, you recognize (at least in your speech) that you deserve to be treated well. You don't deserve to be treated badly. You assert your own dignity.
Amazing. I want to teach my daughter this as well as learn it myself
You nailed it! Forty years and I’m finally learning that with my therapy sessions. I say thank you now too when people apologize. Teach your kids that response now, when they’re younger. It’s so much better for their mental health and a lot cheaper per hour too. LOL
I agree. I don’t teach my kid to say “it’s okay” when the behavior was not okay.
I think you've got it mixed up. When you say *Thank You* in response to receiving an apology you are implying that something was not owed. In fact you are saying the person saying Thank You did you a favor. An Apology is NOT a favor you do to someone.
Emma, I get it! Burnout IS REAL! Blending before and after, your Self and your mothering, your social status as an adult and your ROLE caring for littles... It's so hard to synthesize them into a coherent Self.
My boyfriend is often criticizing me and settling external standards like the way I throw away rubbish that if I don't do I get scolded, and lands us in a fight because I do not like being treated like a naughty child for what I consider petty matters. This call was quite a wake up call. I really don't want to live like this and don't quite get what drives his behaviour but it is starting to get to me after two years.
Look up narcissistic abuse syndrome and narcissistic abuse. It could explain things~ or, he could just be treating you like a child and he needs a wake up call. You are a fellow adult to him, not his child. He should treat you with love and respect ❤
@@starlingswallowyep
He doesn't love you. He use you for 50/50 bills or else.
I hope you find happiness. That would be so hard
Well, littering is not petty. I live around litterers, and I can't stand them. Cause I have to pick up their litter. Don't be a lazy litterer.
I would never stay with a man who was convicted of child molestation. I don't care what he says. If he's in prison for it, they have to have proven that something happened.
She's wasting her time with him. And she wants a kid?? With him??
I agree. Nobody in prison is guilty. 😮
Exactly! Watching videos on the “after” of what happens to the pdf files on Chris Hanson’s show was really eye opening. Even with all of the evidence the shows gives police, most of the characters still get such a light sentence and many of them go on to reoffend
I respect this dudes honesty, cant change until u admit what u have to change
The last caller:
You are sentencing yourself to a life with a man that will be restricted in where he can go and who he can be around. He won't be able to go to your family gatherings, barbecues, or church events if children are present. You're sentencing yourself to his same conviction.
It seems to me like she started dating him when he was in prison, and not before. I can't believe this woman said she wanted kids and then proceeded to date a prisoner convincted of child molestation. There is no way he is innocent when he's been in jail for 6 years already. That's very rare and I didn't hear any convincing thing about how exactly he ended up there.
Often times women who date such prisoners have some mental issues. I think she was either desperate because she felt rejected by men or she is trying to avoid real intimacy. Or maybe she is just avoiding trying to think about or solve her own problems by focusing on his, which seem larger than hers.
The irony is that she claims she always made the righy choice,but she's ignoring that in reality she has not. Choosing to ignore eligible men when you're in your 20's is not a socially correct choice. Also, having in vitro fertilization at 32 is not common as at that age you can still easily find a man who wants kids. Neither is choosing to date a prisoner convincted of child molestation a correct choice socially.
Her narrative about herself does not fit who she really is based on her actions. She has consistenly been choosing the non-traditional path in the last 10 years, but won't acknowledge that. Like the dr says, she needs to own up to her actions. It's like she is desperately trying not to know herself.
Second caller is super hard on herself!! Probably grew up under some severe performance pressure.
Yep. I am also questioning undiagnosed adhd or autism.
Mom’s brain changes physically when having children! It is scientifically proven. Hope she sees this, this is what helped me. Read Hannah Keeley’s - Mom Fog: 8 Steps to Overcoming Mom Fatigue Syndrome - life changing!
She is 33 with three little kids in a foreign country . That is mentally and physically exhausting . She needs to break from her thoughts of study until she is settled and maybe the kids are at school .
She needs to get a group study. I've went throughout the same with adhd you need to see other people working.
John, you're at your best when the caller is calling in regards to wanting to make changes within themselves. Great job on that first call.
We see in movies, Pinterest and stores these living and bedrooms so perfect that we forget that that is just marketing.
@@CaToRi-the women I know who keep perfect homes tend to be pretty neurotic. I spent a lot of time and money furnishing my own home and it looks great -- when everything is in its place, which is rare 😂 I'm actually about to tidy up right now. One of my goals is to spend a little time tidying every morning. Usually I'm so excited to start working as soon as I have my coffee that it gets put off.
Emma sounds depressed .
OH MAN this hits hard! I’m a 34 year old Biologist turned stay at home mom of 2 young children and I can’t stop scrolling social media and TH-cam. The news and talks of WWIII, complete economic collapse… I feel paralyzed and isolated
I love how Dr John talked to the first man. It’s honestly beautiful to see a man wanting to seek redemption; essentially that’s what we all need, from those we felt hurt by. I’m encouraged by this.
It’s astounding to see this type of husband to realize his terrible behavior. I hope he truly humbles himself and realizes his wife probably tolerated a lot before she got here.
He is spot on.
Give her lists of what you appreciate, what you like about her & what she does.
Give her list of pros & cons in areas of disagreement or decisions.
Have her give her pro & con list on same.
Mark out the. things that match on both, then work on the difference s that are left
Clean house together 1 room @ a time
Encourage the kids to join in helping out.
Have a set time of 10 minutes a day that is just for you & your wife to talk about your day..
The kids will realize that Daddy loves Mommy & they will feel secure & behave better.
Number 4 is HUGE.
One said, the closer you're standing together, the quieter you have to speak.
Play the audio version of the Bible by Alexander Scourby or
Johnny Cash or David Suchet or whoever.
Play worship music.
Pray, just one liners work.
Shop together after going over the list together.
Take her on a date
Take her to church .
Tithe.
Have a certain amount for giving & saving..
If you split up, you will regret it.
Words are just that..words. It's all about behavioural change, so actions.
@@FatiFleur-jn7ky
I get you.
Yet,
Out of the heart, a man speaks.
I can relate so much to the second caller. When I listened to the call I was like she needs to read the 15 minute formula and the 12 week year. Both books are awesome and helped me channel my goals while being a mom to 3 little ones. Dr. John was so right about cherishing the season you are in.
Same! Thanks for the book recommendations. I will check those out now
This first caller has hope for his marriage. He is taking the first steps and is trying. He admits his ways even if he doesn't truly see them for what they are. It takes time, reflection, and a plan.
Bring your babies home from daycare. You won’t have any time to scroll!
@fireflyc1 That's not an option for everyone, ma'am. Some people need daycare to work (and daycare can be subsidized in the case of the very poor, so they would save nothing by becoming stay at home parents, but they would lose out on another income).
Again - "save money by becoming a stay at home parent" is a middle class statement
I agree.
I wish he would read
Love & Respect
Sacred Marriage
& So many others, but those especially spoke to me.
Words are empty. Action is needed for the first caller. Clearly he doesnt know what action to do.
Being critical really stems from perfectionism. And he cant let go of that perfect world his family is not bringing.
Until he let go of the perfect world, and love his family as imperfect people, it will get worse.
He has to stop that perfectionism crap.
That last caller…Is insane…She became so lonely that she went ahead and lied to herself about finding the perfect man for her (which previously didn’t exist) but in the story her dream man is being kept from her by a corrupt judicial system, and a false accusation, keeping her from obtaining the life that she deserves. This is the largest case of victim mentality I have ever seen or heard in my life.. (she created the whole scenario to keep her from the reality that is poor choices, leading her to where she is currently) That’s so crazy!
Imagine if people with the power to create these scenarios in order to remain a victim, flip the script in their own head, and use the same power to make their life the life they want. The fear of failure is so real and people won’t admit that is what they are doing to themselves.
Spot on .
This is spot on. Yours is the best interpretation ever.
“ Can my Marriage be saved?” Hits home. This was me I wish I had done this 25 years ago, threaten to divorce. I finally had enough of this behavior. Sometimes you have to do what’s right for you.
I’m so happy this young couple and especially this husband is seeing the problem and wants to save his marriage. Blessings to your family.
Dr. John was at his best with the critical husband/father. Leading with a positive way.
This is week one of living with my brother-in-law. You described what’s happening with my marriage perfectly I’m trying to sort it out. I got signed up with counseling and I’ve already had my first appointment. Thank you John for everything.
Best of luck to you. Admitting and seeking help for your problems is the 1st step. I hope you are able to take responsibility for your part and how you can make changes needed to make you and your families lives all you want them to be! It's not easy, but it can be done. A lot of people refuse to put their ego aside and accept their own responsibility so once again, much respect to you for seeking help to be a better you! Peace, love and happiness to you and your family!
Firstly, I absolutely adore this show! There's always a great piece of wisdom that can be taken from John.
This one's so so sad for me as my Dad was like this growing up. Always very harsh & critical with a low fuse. He never learned to love himself and that's so sad. I know he regrets how he behaved but he'd never admit it and would never apologise. Just like his own dad. We're all breaking generational patterns. I hope this man follows this advice & lives a wonderful life 🙏 ❤
“Wrongfully convicted”… according to who?
The second caller is right it is hard to make friends in the winter in Canada. Nobody walks around nothing much happens. Best thing is to join a group, sign up for a recreational activity as a mother she can take kids to places with other parents. Canadians are nice but not always warm.
Owning your choices is one of the hardest things you can do. Grieving is also hard to do when you're not recognizing how your actions that lead you there, intentional or not.
First caller left out a lot of things...the hesitation and long pauses suggest he wasn't entirely forward about what's going on.
Yes, but Dr John was able to call him out. His experience gave him the foresight to know the problem he was dealing with. I’m amazed he was able to analyze it with what the husband told him.
He doesnt want to identify the actions of removing the perfect world he wanted his kids and wife need to fit in.
He has controlling behavior, perfectionism, critical and being angry all the time.
These traits are found in narcissism.
I would think he toned down the extent of his manipulation and control.
To the second caller, I feel for you. I understand you. But one practical bit of advice is stop making excuses for the weather. Get some warm clothes designed for your climate. Layer, layer, layer. And then get outside every morning for a long walk or run or whatever. That sunlight and fresh air is game changing.
Now I know why I am the way I am around my own family. I makes more sense now. I will be applying Dr Delony’s advice
The 2nd caller was like he was speaking right to me. It is so hard to let go and grieve the plans that didn't come to fruition. It's been years. I have changed. I don't have the drive to do those things anymore. Maybe I burnt out in the grueling process of getting my doctorate...and then all the adrenaline that was keeping me going crashed afterwards. I have to set my own deadlines and schedule and I hate it. I will rewatch and take notes. I have to finally embrace this season instead of pretending like I am still the me of my "glory days."
I completely feel for the mom that called in. I have been married for almost 20 years and we have 5 wonderful children and my husband recently retired from the military and I'm just a stay at home mom and feel like I haven't accomplished anything because I didn't further my education after high school... She's probably depressed from all the changes and doesn't have a good self care routine or a supportive team of friends and family nearby. I hope she finds happiness soon. ❤
To the mom who called in. I say this with love. If your not working, then pull your kids from daycare and pour into those babies. They're only young for such a small fraction of time. Being a mom is the highest blessing and most fulfilling accomplishment. Good luck to you❤
If you pull your children from daycare you can lose your placement, so only do this if you won't need to get a job and have spare time (months to a year) to re-enroll them.
In a new country where she hopes to remain permanently, it's essential the kids are in daycare so that they can begin to try to fit in and learn the culture.
Amen.
Amen.
Amen.
Use your brains & education to teach your own kids.
They need you.
The school system stinks.
Preach man.
Preach
Pour your research & your learning into your kids.
They need to learn.
They need to have your love for learning.
They are your priorities.
Your kids will be gone in a few heartbeats.
Kids need to be in daycare by age 4. This is critical for social development. If you see a person that can’t control their emotions, their impulsions, come off as emotionally stunted.. more than likely, they didn’t go to daycare before 4.
Totally agree wait until they go to school and get a job at the school district.
If you don't take care of your kids you will take care of your grandkids.
If you can boss around your partner then you can boss around yourself. Excellent suggestion!! If you can tell me that* it’s not done then you can help me complete the task!!!
The first guy has great hope. He is willing to admit that he needs to change. He isn't trying to push his actions and behaviors onto someone else.
My dad and I could have had a very different relationship if he had only uttered those 2 very important words - 'I'm sorry'. My dad is gone now and I'm left feeling an odd mixture of relief, sadness and regret for the relationship we could've had. My dad wasn't a bad guy, but he squandered our relationship for the sake of his ego and un-dealt with sh*t... It's so true, that you remember people for how they made you 'feel'... nothing matters more - everything else they did, is secondary.
I love that he almost always advocates for marriages to stay together. Most ppl are saying just leave these days but he isn’t. I love that that is what marriage is and ppl need to stop just treating marriage like a business transaction that they want to cancel when one partner doesn’t hold up their end of the bargain and they want to quit immediately. I love it thank you Dr D
Thank you for this call from Emma, I feel the same in New Zealand. 4 countries in two years and all those shelling back home and brutal violence there, and professional loneliness. Thank you for all those advices ❤
just moving event wanted move scores very high on the stesss scale but people dontknow ad so are not kind ad gentle to overcome the stress ad damage.dont underestimate how much a move costs even when a wanted one. military discover this but blame there marriages when they dont understand.
"I don't really think about her opinion, I guess." I'm SHOCKED she wants to leave
Can I say one of my favorite parts of this show is Kelly and John brother sister relationship. “I might have signed us up for this bet…” 😂 I was cracking up, brother sister vibes
I know. I love Kelly!
Yes, it’s been since day one and always puts a smile on my face! 😂
We needed more context on that first call. But the caller is not telling everything. It was like pulling teeth. What kind of stuff does he criticize her about?
Right. And I’d it just a comment or a full blown abusive meltdown? Way more details needed.
He was clearly minimizing his own behavior. Dr. John could see that and pushed him on it. Remember that he has more info from the letter the guy sent.
The first caller admitted he has this perfectionist standards for his kids and wife cant reach.
So we all know he was yelling, shouting, screaming at home like tantrums everytime he doesnt see it.
Guy sounds tense,he won't take Dr John's advice, it's not manly.
He clearly needs to do more to help at home. It’s NOT all on his wife to make sure she’s working 24x7, but he gets a GD break every time he comes home from work. He made those kids, he ALSO gets to bathe them, clothe them, feed them, play with them, cater to them when they’re sick, teach them, put them to bed, etc.
A husband (and a wife) is about service 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻
Dude, business called... I was just having a realization of how I'd been a blowhard and what I used that to escape from... and was listening for how to face it... when a business partner called and I had to hear that... gotta listen to this one again so it sinks in and so I hear the helfpul.
Thank you, Team Ramsey, for bringin' callers like this to the table. Cheers to their success as much as your own.
The last woman is completely delulu. Bless her heart.
Johns podcast is a good stepping stone for most of humanity in becoming self aware. Definitely a beginner self awareness haha but we all are at different frequencies so it’s necessary to have teachers everywhere.
I like that the first caller is wanting to change and admiring his faults. A lot of people would not do it. Hopefully he will make the changes he needs to.
To this incredible caller I salute you. What a gentlemen calling in to get help.. 🎉 Super proud of this gentlemen. I hope and trust you will see this comment.
You were so amazing with caller 2, Dr D! Your clinical skills are amazing 💥
Emma in Canada I so hope things are looking better going better for you now.
Emma, I considered myself quite the academic and prided myself on my accomplishments. Last year I felt exactly as you described and it was unfortunately the final year of my bachelor’s degree. Doing anything felt like I was walking through sinking mud. I felt terrible about myself. Looking back, I realise that I was terribly depressed and it manifested in exhaustion and the inability to carry out tasks that used to be fairly easy for me.
I saw a psychiatrist about 2 months ago and he increased my antidepressant medication. Within about a week I noticed massive change in myself and I have more energy to execute tasks.
Please know that you are not alone.❤ I suspect that you may be struggling with depression and highly encourage you to see a professional who can help you with that❤
To the second collar, the woman with the three kids
Girl you are speaking for every mom out there. Your story is so similar
📞 Caller 🐕 collar
My thoughts exactly!
"Don't read the comments on your story cause you're gonna get moronic idiots who don't know how to hold a marriage together." So true. Sometimes we down here just suck. Kudos John for calling us out too man.
The first thing I thought was, Yep and I'm one of them.
Although, I did keep a marriage together until he passed away
I think the first caller is great he has hope for his marriage and he set his pride aside to ask for help
I hope he means it. I hope its not just a ploy to keep his wife
That last caller the way my eyes widened when she said that
She doesn’t realise how she is keeping herself from her dream. How is she willing to stick to a child molester and fight for him. Disgusting
I don't like the advice to the PhD mom. She's asking for how can she be more motivated. I'd advice trying out small things that used to excite her. I was in a runt like that too. I loved working fast paced jobs. And wasn't motivated to move after I got comfortable even though I didn't find excitement. Then I went back into a community of entrepreneurs and felt alive again. It got me applying and now I'm in love with the new jig
This really is theeeee......best mental health podcast channel evertrrrri sooooo wish they made more like you in my area. Hell I wish I could find even 1/3 of someone like you. Love all you guys. XOXO. Dana from Pa
Emma, on the off chance you’re seeing these, I’ve been where you are. I was doing what I had always wanted, had such a clear idea of what I needed to write and I just couldn’t. I did end up forcing my way through but it was awful and I carried so much self disgust. A few months on I took a complete break, gave myself some time to live life completely differently. Took a break from all the pressure, tried things I’d never done purely for fun, did a lot of different physical things from hiking to dancing to yoga, took a break from the news and read only for pleasure, reconnected with my family and friends. There was a point when I just naturally recovered, and felt this urge of what I wanted to do. Ever since then I’ve had a balance I’d never had before. I’ve gone back to work with the ease I’d lost, and it’s just all so different now. My huge regret is that I didn’t do this before. Looking back now, I wish I’d listened to my body when it told me to stop, to take a break - I lost time and that’s all we have. And so please do listen yo your body. Take some time, check on what’s possible in Canada - see about maybe learning to ski or some other winter activity, or find an indoor class, try reading groups, or a class in something you always thought would be fun. Take some time, the PhD will be there when youre ready ❤
This reminds me of my boyfriend's behaviour - he often scolds me for external standards that I don't live up to - like the way I need to throw away rubbish, or pack the dishes. I don't know what drives his behaviour but it's getting to me after two years.
Same. We had a serious conversation last night, I told him I am done if he doesn't go get help with me.
@@show_me_your_kittiesI’m at that stage too. Sigh 😞
Don’t stay longer. I did. Now divorcing after so many apologies, but minimal change.
Have it out with him and then decide . If he will not listen then go , but you will need to listen too .
This is showing one key point: Think through and pick the right one before get married. Don't try to fix the person after marriage.
The first caller: how about $25 to his wife for every criticism?
How about he continues to emotionally support his wife and family from the 31st day and onwards?
How about not expecting sex on his terms and not being affectionate to his spouse throughout the 23 hours and 50 minutes?
By the way, why didn't you ask him if he's ever physically struck his wife and children to make himself feel superior?
I hate what feminism has done for mothers. Being a mother is the most important job/position/occupation/you name it, thing in the world. You are raising human beings to be good and happy and collaborative for our world. It makes me so sad and mad that women beat themselves up after having children because they feel they’re not contributing in other areas of their lives. I too felt feelings of inadequacy after having my son. I could have been going to college, I could have been going to work every day. But I realize that I only had a minute amount of time to pour into him. So I read and I did research on how to be the best mom I could be to him. And I tell you what, it has been the most satisfying thing I’ve ever done in my life. Handing my son tools to navigate this world is very rewarding.
It’s not feminism, it’s capitalism. The very things feminism against of.
Learn basics.
Over population fully negates the importance of propagation. Plus, damn-near every female could do it. It's not that special, especially if we look at how many families are raising children morally/ethically.
I relate to this first guy so hard core. Here I am sobbing at what dr. John is saying because I realize that my extremely high expectations are a reflection and projection of the internal turmoil of my own personal value and unmet expectations for myself.
Also, a great ministry for marriage with an incredibly high success rate is Married 4 Life through the 2=1 ministry. If you’re struggling, I highly suggest checking it out.
Hubby is a selfish prick. She should go ahead with her plans for divorce, probably. Ten years of being devalued, disregarded, and disrespected is enough.
Thank you for showing humanity to educate in such a straightforward manner. Love advice for Emma. That’s me.
Dr. John, you are brilliant,warm, intelligent, and absolutely changing the world in which ways most of us strive to become. How I wish you could be the hero of my life,teach me how to forgive myself, stop listening and accepting the shame I don’t really don’t deserve by the way.. But it constantly rears its ugly head. I am gaining knowledge with each show I have t he privilege of watching. You are gifted and may God bless you.
May I say to you, sincerely, THANK YOU!
P.s. 🤘🏽
“How can I love you today?”
Beautiful!!
@Emma if you see this reach out to me. I was in your shoes, moved to Canada and lived the same experience you’re living. I’m happy to talk to you if you want.
OMG !!! The scrolling issue!!! The social media!!! That's me!!!!
This man is so brave to be so honest about everything. Admitting that there’s a problem is the first step to solve it. Hope he gets better and that he’s able to be the man he wants to be for his family ❤️
It hurts so much how little we think of mothers these days. As though there is no value in raising the next generation.
Yet at the same time we are told we need to raise kids, and have a booming career at the same time.
Sure some do it. And good on them. But there is value in every kind of good mother.
My daughter is a housewife but that is disapproved by society today . 1:02:15
You guys don't understand the magnitude and expectations of what immigrants go through.....it was tough to listen to the second caller. John reminds her she has pushed 3 kids in 10 years and what she says immediately is that, that is the bare minimum what is expected of her....in other words, it's nothing.....and that education is the absolute definition of what success is defined by.
Times have changed but to me, this was a reflection of who brought her up and how her childhood was shaped as far as what success is......
John, you said it severally...... Relax, you r in a different season, give yourself more grace and all of that fell on deaf ears.....because she truly, truly doesn't know how to let go. I feel for her.....but it's the pressure that has been put in her since she was born. It's haaaard y'all. Very very hard......and what makes it worse is that you cannot rely on your community because it's taboo at that point. You almost always have to detach yourself from your culture and just do you.....and that is the hardest thing ever.....coz you have to grieve what was, all that you know and start embarking on learning something new to better yourself.
Yeah, she has a very long way ahead of herself.....the biggest battle for her will be herself.
Excellent advice Dr. John. Hope this works out for the couple God Bless them.
I don't that many of these men just plain think the wife doesn't know much and that's why they don't respect her feelings, opinions, or instincts. They should change what they think about their wives, not just their words.
Even if he does the dishes, I'd be hearing his criticism that's going on in his head because it wasn't done. They really need to understand that there isn't unlimited, uninterrupted time.
Second caller is beyond the point of exhaustion. Been there. She's going to crack. She needs a break.
After i earned my MA, 6 years of 3 hours of sleep, FT teaching I broke. I landed in so many psych wards. 14 rounds of ECT. Ended up on full time disability. I ran myself into the ground. It's taken over10 years to recover. I had two young children at the time. Two lengthy custody battles as well.
be with your family not over them. dammmm
Greetings from Melbourne, Australia. I just came across ur videos, and I loved it! Wishing u and staff and all of us all the best for 2024🎉.
Queensland and I just found these a few days ago.
I feel like the first caller could be my SO.. nurse, marine, avoidant, stressed, unempathetic, and very very sensitive to anything that could remotely come off as criticism.
For the woman who beats herself up for not finishing her study. Sometimes life gets in the way and it all gets too much. You are busy taking care of the kids and the home. That's a job in itself. A human isn't made to work 24/7. You have to enjoy life and have spare time to relax. If you can't find the energy to work on your study, your body and mind is talking to you to take it slow. To recover from 3 pregnancies, from moving to another country. It sounds to me you are having a burn out. Seek help!
Man that was good. Dr. J is HIM!!!
Dr John I’m in tears. Your advice might have saved my 18 year marriage ❤. I felt like the unpaid maid after I worked 40 hours a week. He worked 40 hours mowed the yard ☝️ time a week I had the house laundry cooking dishes and school homework of OUR THREE BOYS. WHILE HE CAME HOME WATCHED TV. 📺. I LEFT WITH THE BOYS. HE BOUGHT. Porsche car. Guess he was glad we all left him I hate him 😮
I don't know who needs to hear this, but you can manage to look forward to your most despised chore if you bundle it with something you really like.
I never thought I would come to look forward to tidying the kitchen, ever. But now that I put my earbuds in and launch a podcast or a favorite playlist, tidying the kitchen at night has become part of my decompression before bed.
That and it's lovely to wake up to a clean kitchen. It's not everyone's cup of tea and doesn't have to be, but you really can reframe the way you approach things that have caused all sorts of conflict.
Totally! I just dod a ton of food prep for me and my dogs while listening to this hahah
This is exactly why I fold laundry while watching my favorite shows.
Second call:Oooff…
I totally understand her. Poor woman is putting tons of pressure on herself to leave up to her ideal…to complete her vision of what an accomplished and successful woman is supposed to be.
I think Dr. D is missing a piece of the puzzle, and is the difference of cultures. American people have a different view on education than folks from other countries. Specially, Asian, African, Latin or middle east. Folks from these places have an extremely defined and rigid indoctrinated mindset of what success is, and is insanely ingrained in their minds from a young age, so is normal to them. Also, what Dr. D don’t understand is the cultural mindset and lifestyle of an immigrant (I am an immigrant), and is that most of us escaped dictatorships, poverty, violence, so to us being here in USA is a huge privilege, so we look at it from the lens of guilt. Like we have to feel grateful that we got so lucky to not only move here but lucky to be documented, which makes a HUGE difference, since undocumented immigrants have a way harder time than documented ones. So we have this guilt and pressure that our families and ourselves put on ourselves to succeed in this country no matter how hard it is, cuz failing is not an option for us. Failing means death metaphorically and in reality. We immigrants are terrified of not taking advantage of the opportunities offered here in order to succeed according to our culture and belief systems. And it’s such a double edged sword, cuz in one way that fear and guilt motivates us to work hard and keep pushing through, but on the other hand, can make us sick, and break us down, and such thing would absolutely hinder or slow down our progress, achievements and success at best, and kill us at worst.
Referring to call three:
I wonder why I never dreamed of a wedding or having kids. I just wanted to have a metal band and perform, get my psychology degree, have pets, a wonderful partner and good friends. I could never relate to other women who fantasized obsessively about weddings and babies.
For all the "Emma"s out there, honestly the best bit of advice about hinging your life one thing, for me weirdly came from Tangled of all places:
"What if [my dream] is everything I want it to be? What then?"
"Well, that's the best part: you get to find a new one."
Don't base your life on one moment, on one achievement, on one goal. Because life _will_ carry on afterwards, and it'll feel like you have nothing left. It will also make the rest of your life feel hollow whole you're still reaching for it. So instead of having that one big dream, just make it a goal that's part of a bigger picture. You'll be so much happier.
I think Emma is undiagnosed ADHD
And she is experiencing executive paralysis
@@nataliabusko1432 Having had executive dysfunction, this doesn't seem like that.
@@LilyGrace95 I am
Diagnosed adhd, have the same problem with my PhD
@@nataliabusko1432 I'm on the spectrum too. Like I said, I've been in the same situation.
If she stays with this guy, she cannot adopt a child
It would be cool to do a part two to these episodes after the 30 days are done and see how peoples lives changed
Mum with 3 kids here
You are mentally exhausted
Give yourself a rest you will get back to it when your body is ready
Also I would try go home for a visit if you can
I baby sat for most of my life. The biggest regret mothers share with me is choosing work over raising their babies. Do not own that burden.
First caller: my ex had a similar conversation with our counselor. He said no way. That was my answer and I am very much enjoying keeping my own company, come to find out I'm super fun
This can and does work and long as the wife in this case does not weaponize what he is doing, and accordingly and rightly responds to his efforts.
"When it doesn't line up with my vision . . ." thats the thing - when we live in a committed relationship of any kind, the important stuff gets figured out with all the parties in charge, not just one. Otherwise it's not a relationship, it's an autocracy.
To the lady whose life hasn’t turned out as she planned, I can tell you that Life rarely turns out as we planned. The purpose of Life is how we grow and mature dealing with the unexpected and very difficult challenges and choices you are presented with. Always choose prayer and the right choices, so you can be very proud and have a good conscience when you look back at your life at the end of it. Be at peace with those choices knowing you chose for the right reasons before God. All the best.
The way the men that call into Dr John's are so self aware is so impressive
If a woman really wants to be a mother as Megan said, why is adoption not an option? Her chances to be a mother are not truly over. She chose a felon (innocent or not) over her dreams.
I'd rather have a kid than a relationship with a child molester who is behind bars.
Hmmm I was convinced it's much harder to adopt a kid, then to become a parent?! Like , adoptive parents must be married and wealthy and healthy and mentally stable (unless you are celebrity buying your kids in africa!)..as an adoptive parent you must be perfect. As for regular, bio parents..they can be junkies, criminals, single, polysmorous, jobless, homeless...you name it -less...
Side note: sick shirt. One of my favourite bands.
"Kellyis waay older than you"😂Love your advice to Megan. Its truewe MUST count thecosts when wemake choices.😊
Love watching this show from the Isle of Wight in the UK 🇬🇧
I want to meet this man's mother! What an amazing understanding of relationship skill-building!
Read his bio. His marriage nearly blew up. There’s a video of him and his wife that’s great.