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I used to be a people pleaser, a doormat, so to speak. The way I slowly remove my mask is by starting it with silence. If I don't feel like answering other people's questions, especially those toxic gloating and gossiping ones, i just don't answer it. They started thinking that I'm rude now, but so be it, at least my boundaries is now set.
@@lacidrainl5192I think most of us can relate. Everything happens in due time! We needed to gather enough mental strength and insight to change he course of action.
True words. As a recovering people pleaser I relate. I've spoken myself into all sorts of trouble. This has made many people lose respect for me. Silence is gold, taking time, not answering immediately. Tends to lead to more genuine answers.
@@sans4124he difference is kindness is an act done out of genuine nature that extends goodness to another person. Being nice is just an expression with no heart behind it.
@@themysteryofgodliness6574that makes no sense. Most "people pleasers" are genuinely like that. I genuinely treat people well, I just accepted that mental illness is real so most people abuse good people. Now I'm a loner and feel better about myself... except when I get horny, so I'll deal with a woman until she becomes abusive then I'll cut her off like everyone else. I still don't understand this concept of being a popular shitty person enjoying the company of other popular shitty people. It's just counterintuitive to me.
@@losgryfog Just because you don't like being around people doesn't mean that they don't deserve the same amount of kindness if you would deserve. I never said anything about pleasing people. Nice people are people pleasers, kind people are people who empathize with other's struggles, and treat people with the treatment they themselves would want. I do agree society so whack right now it's hard to even be around most people, but personally I would still treat them with kindness.
It took me so long to understand how repulsive & rude wearing a mask is to authentic ppl. I was raised to never show anger or sadness & plaster on a fake creepy smile. Its amazing how positively the universe responds to u if u just drop the mask. Even if youre negative at times.
What do you mean by the universe responding to you, I always hear people saying that and never understood it once. Is it like life changes for you and you start seeing it? Why does the term the universe be used, like as if outer space is controlling this or something
@@YWFilmProductions thats a good question, i do believe outer space controls everything in a way lol! Here i just mean the universe as in, everyone everywhere i go. I get what ur saying tho, a lot of ppl use it to describe how they believe this incarnation will respond as a reflection to your inner state, beliefs etc. "As within so without". As u feel inside, so the universe starts to respond.
my default answer changed from "good" to "wasting life away" a few years ago... I've noticed that it REALLY throws people off not hearing "good" or something similar.
I love Tate, but Julien would eat him for lunch. All it would take is one boastful comment and he'd immediately unpack it right in Andrew's face. He'd either tone down or leave the conversation.
That would be funny because Andrew Tate is unauthentic. He admits to taking advantage of men with his famoos the goose spiel but he mascarades as a man leader. Pushing porn is simply profiting from taking advantage and damaging men and little boys. He's pretty funny tho.
Saying "good" is another way to say, "I dont know you, i dont care for you, therefore, i dont care to open up to you". Great for random people. For family and close friends, maybe co workers, yes, you SHOULD be able to express yourself, but you SHOULD also be careful about who you open up to. Reality is that most people wont reciprocate your feelings and you might feel worse after sharing. So share with those you know that care, ktherwise, say good all the time and dgf.
I do agree but you also need to give people the chance, to become someone more close to you in the first place. maybe you'll get surprised. by letting your mask fall infront of others, they might react in a similar way and you could bond over that a little.
I think it's fine to be real and raw, just don't give them you're life story. Keep it short and if they actually show interest then cool now you know not everyone means to be the robotic, some people might actually want to strike up conversation but they genuinely don't know how to without feeling like they are invading your space.
I’m a recovering people pleaser. At some point, after I having 3 kids and the pandemic, I just got so sick of dealing with bullshit - especially my own. I was too tired to pretend everything was fine. Everything I did my entire life was out of concern for what people would think of me. It becomes addictive when you start to feel free to be yourself. It’s alarming to people who found comfort in your ability to please them. Some people are not in my life anymore because they found my honesty shocking after decades of me being a passive doormat. My relationship with my family, especially with my husband and the friends who have endured, feels so much more meaningful and authentic. My social calendar has decreased a lot, only doing things that are really important to me and my family. I’m much more introverted and protective of where I expend my energy, and I have way more time and attention for myself and the people I love. Best of all, my peace of mind grown exponentially. But I find I’m challenged daily and if I’m not careful the old habits of masking will come back. It’s definitely triggering and I have to constantly examine myself. But it feels really good.
I used to be honest and tell people how I truly felt and what I thought. I found that people didnt actually want to know, they were being "polite" but didnt really want to be "burdened" by my honesty. I stopped having friends and stopped talking casually to my family. I rarely talk to anyone but my young kids or husband now 😢
Julien. I have commented previously, but this is IMPORTANT. Your work taps into a lot of what psychologists would address in modern society, and you have a raw and real approach that NEEDS to be addressed. I love your work and the rest of RSD. I hope our modern society of men can wake up and listen to your words. Sooo much to be gained from this 🙏
I am a 28 year old woman. I’m such a people pleaser. I’ve been that way since I was a kid after my parents divorced. Always trying to keep the peace with everyone around me. I am also TERRIBLE at using the word “no” because I have this extreme fear of offending people or disappointing people. I am always extra cautious with what I say and always think things offend people that may actually not and aren’t even a big deal. I guess I walk on egg shells with everyone
I used to be like that too. What you need to realize is that you're not responsible for how people think of you. I used to worry that if I didn't smile just right or say something with the right tone that people would think I was being rude. Be real with people. Be kind, patient, and respectful, but make no apology for being you and setting boundaries for yourself. I know you can do it because I did it, and I used to have zero confidence in myself. I'm also 28, and you reminded me of myself. Never give up. God bless!
‘None of you were born as pathetic as you are today..’ **nails it for most of us😂. Bro, you are super entertaining with bang on insight. A real eye opener.
I used to be so "not giving a damn about what others think", but ever since I got in a relationship & had a child I lost this. Because I thought I needed to be a certain type for a relationship & being a mom. And right now I'm trying to get my authentic self back! 😭❤️
There's nothing inherently inauthentic about considering another person, that's maturity, it's what you do with it that determines authenticity. Do you mask up, repress, or be authentic.
Just remember, you know what is best for yourself and your baby.....other people are well meaning but so many times they have no idea of what is good for you yet they insist that you forsake your own intuition. This brings problems later on in life if you cave into them. There is a fine line to walk sometimes.
A lot of people think the only option other than being nice is being mean & that's not true. Being assertive & pleasant is an option, that's what I aim for.
Love to hear someone tell it like it. Crazy how you can put up blinders to insecurities to hold onto an idea of yourself. When you're really tired of it, the bullshit is obvious. Thank you, you're extremely inspiring.
I totally agree with what you are preaching here. Being authentic is so important, but I’ve found that because so many people are struggling with their own mental health and issues, that saying “negatively oriented things” becomes a burden to listen to. Hence, people distance. May not be immediately but it will happen. This is what people subconsciously register and that’s why we’ve become a “im good culture.”
This resonates, I’ve seen it so heavily in my life that at times I communicate negative things in hopes the person leaves me alone/never speaks to me again. It’s good to know I’m no longer the source of others feel good but at times I try to consider that others have helped build me up in dark times and no one in this world is meant to live this life alone. There is a balance but how do we mitigate it to reflect the life we want outwardly?
Very interesting. I think this has a lot to do with why addiction is so prevalent. I'm just starting to learn these things in 12 step rooms. That is also the only place I've seen people be honest about how they are actually doing recently or at the moment
I agree. I'd always been an "energizer bunny", "supermom" until 6 years ago when I developed sudden and severe Type 1 narcolepsy (currently receiving disability). I lost everything I'd worked for (just 4 years out of school and in a new career) except for the clothes on my back and a few knickknacks (home, car, career, 4 animals, both my kids moved away, meds caused me to lose 30lbs- now just 93lbs - and all my hair to fall out ...) and after 6-ish months of me being completely devastated (and homeless) my dad said, "I can't take this negativity anymore" and refused to speak to me for 11.5 months. Being real didn't go well for me at all.
I know this isn't what this video's about, but I had a realization after indulging in a few of your videos, that I am actually not thinking about what other people may be thinking of me as much now. It's insane how watching videos and thinking of what is being said to whomever in the audience, or whomever is pulled on stage is actually you talking directly to me is changing my perspective of me. Also, pertaining to the last video I watched which was about anxiety and talking to younger selves, that I used to barrage myself with mean comments and self argue when i am alone. But recently I noticed that instead of just the self insults, its more of a heated discussion with myself, like my younger self and I are telling each other what the issue is and that I don't actually despise myself, but in-fact, I understand that what I did was a consequence of putting on a front. Thank you to whomever reads this
Putting on a front, trying to fit in, just so that people will like you is so TIRING. It's like "Gees, can I just be myself?!? Why do when I feel like I am being who I truly am when no one is around, I get the sense that in your mind, you are belittling me? When I reveal dorky, quirky, boring stuff, I feel that you are belittling me? Why is it that I can't just be my corny, child like self around you? When you act however you act, no matter how differentiated it is from me, I still choose to accept and embrace that of you - so why is it that you cannot do the same for me or for anyone who isn't "COOL" like you? Why people can't let people be themselves?" If I get the sense someone doesn't allow me to be the inner child, which we all have within us - I'll just choose not to be around this person. I'm not going to ignore that aspect of myself just to be "COOL" and to "FIT IN". It's not worth it. It's like a full time job that only pays you back in stress. It's too much work 😅
That's because those areas are hard wired defense mechanisms. If we try to shut off that defense mechanism we feel unsafe and our body tells us that by doing things like raising our heart rate. My defense mechanism was alcohol and when I thought about not having it my heart rate would go up.
When I started learning English, the first thing that struck me was that such deep and personal question like "how are you?" is basically just a part of greeting someone, when nobody in fact cares about what the answer is, and people are taught to automatically spit out "Fine, thanks! How are you?" - returning the favor of asking fake questions and not caring what the answer is. Imo, people need to stop asking such questions unless they really mean it, otherweise they are just spreading the fakeness.
sometimes its just to start a convo, to say how are you, and honestly who cares if they mean it or not, i believe we are all narcisissts at the end of the day just some people choose to embrace it more
Two minutes into this video and I'm reminded of my mom. Ask her how she's doing, she'll tell you about her backpain, headache and that she's on antibiotics for an urinary tract infection. I think answering that you're fine would be better 😂 as the question is really not about anything other than common courtesy and a way to initiate a conversation. I don't think we always need to be so literal.
Amazing video! Not only Julien talks about the pleasing behaviour but also how to fix it. Fixing it takes time, but everything that you work on long hours will be an honest payoff. Most people take others down because otherwise they would not survive. And it’s easier to survive this way than put in long effort to change your innerself in an authentic way. 1. Go deep in meditative state, find the past situations and emotions u were in, then keep letting those emotions go to the ground. Do this for a few months. 2. From now on every interaction with a human being u come across who pushes your boundaries stay conscious about it, try to be relaxt and tell or show them it’s not what u want, u can also look at them at a certain way. Do what u want and how u want it. Accept the fear, accept the conflict and go in anyway. This way u also create more positieve reference experiences and claim ur power back. The only way is to going true the wall directly. Done.
Nice one, actually it's so sad that people go through life and have never been who they really are, authenticity is best seen when we are children, and later most people only see what society approves, it affects their relationships, work, behavior, what they can do and can't do, what they can and can't say..
I know that Im a total badass even tho I struggle in some social situations. But that doesnt mean that I have low self-esteem or low self-confidence, Im just dealing with traumas. I struggle with them when Im alone too, with the same emotions that arise when Im with people. Dont get discouraged by others. Keep fighting, keep working and become the total badass you have always wanted to become 😎
I keep hearing this. Like if you stop being so kind it will help you, people will respect you, people will trust you and like you, women will get turned on, the world will bend to your desire… no people will just not like you more. We’re all fake and trying to get something out of being nice but their is a social agreement to do that and when you opt out of the agreement it doesn’t set you aside as some real, strong, cool person that everybody respects and cherishes now. No they don’t like you cause you shatter their illusion of themselves and you intimidate them.
I think there’s truth in this. I had an amazing friend once who was very authentic and very honest but I know a lot of people found her intimidating. I personally found her refreshing until the last time we had a disagreement and she was a little too frank with me! Not easy when you’re struggling with mental health issues! Sadly our friendship never recovered after that so I think being careful with how honest you are is important as well. I still miss her tho authenticity like that is rare 😢
Wow dude what a good life advice. Its about allowing ourselves to be vulnerable and by that I mean allowing the outer world to see us as we really are, with all we have good and bad within us, with all our flaws and "patheticness" and be ok with it. Its definetly gonna take some time to achieve this state of mind, but I think its absolutly necessary for a fulfilled life. Thank you Julien !
It's self esteem and you should build it up so you can always turn inwards when you need recognition and validation. Dont get it from other people get it from within yourself because you know your flaws and self worth. From time to time it's good to get it from other people but if not you can always get it from yourself.
How do you know what someone really thinks, when most people aren’t truthful. You might be in a relationship and that person is with you for convenience. Maybe you pay the bills. Maybe they desire someone else but settle for you.
Julien, you are so authentic. I've only seen two videos of yours so far, but they always resonate and always get to the heart of the issue at hand. I also think another problem some people go through (myself included) is that we hold onto those who don't value our true selves or play power games (The +1/-1 you mentioned) because we love them and feel we deserve them. My parents claim to be emotionally available, but then my father especially will scoff when I express myself or be my true self, and many others I've been stuck around in life (school peers) are like that too. Our people-pleasing natures arise from survival tactics because we know those around us don't truly value who we are. It's time to overcome that for better or for worse, because holding back our true selves only hurts us more. Thank you for your wisdom and authenticity! 🧡
This makes me feel a bit better about myself. Usually when someone asks me how I'm doing, if a say good, I give a short reason why such as a new season of a show I like came out or I got a hot date or I got a bonus pay. Otherwise I usually say "fair could be worse could be better" or "I don't know yet my day just started". It's honest and is definitely an answer that makes for a lively conversation without being too personal. Some people look at me puzzled for a second but then I tell them ide rather be honest than a drone. It definitely causes people to think rather than being a mindless replay recording of responses. It's a thing that bothers me quite a bit.
To be fair when most people ask how you're doing they don't really care so the "good" response is just an empty reply to an empty question. I'd rather say nothing at all than ask someone how they're doing if I honestly don't care so when they ask to me it kind of pisses me off.
@@stoiccrane4259 I get that its more of a "none of your business type of question". It's kind of a shame we live in a world where people's genuine concern for others, even complete strangers can be faked. But I generally try not to make assumptions of others. Because what if that person happens to be the kind that would give they're shirt off they're own back to someone in the middle of a blizzard? (Metaphorically of course) We need more people like them and by acting out in a way to discourage them only makes things worse for everyone including ourselves. I don't so much believe in the spiritual side of karma, but I am a firm believer and to a lesser degree a practitioner of its principles. There might come time when we can truly talk to people and not be a indifferent to everyone without reprocussion.
@@IIIISai I'm not sure it's people being "robot"-ic. I think it's more of people trying not to be invested in the well being of others to avoid what they believe to be unnecessary responsibilities. Unfortunately too many have had that forced on them at an early age so we arm ourselves with indifference and fear of the unknown to compensate for our lack of preparation. It's the lack of concern that is partially to blame for generations of introverts. We all have some preconceived notion of how people should think and act which when we find those who aren't common for how they act and think so we gang up on them. People who suffer from aspergers or those who legitimately suffer from bpd can easily be targeted for hazing instead of being accepted and we don't even stop to consider the reason they are the way they are, either out of fear of being left out or by not being consideredcool becausebeing indifferent has become a trend. So we usually are faced with 2 kinds of adults. Ones that avoid everyone else and those that are considered social but they're minds never left high school. I hope at some point we can all just do away with false notions of normality and just allow people to be people without worrying about they're taste in trivial things like clothes, music, entertainment, etc so we can start focusing on what's more important. Such as how we can make life more livable even for people of lower class. Or those who was raised in unorthodox environments. PS: please forgive my rambling. It's my day off and I might have had too much coffee 😆
If mastery and masculinity are topics that interest you, I invite you to explore the videos shared on the Mastery Order Channel to challenge yourself with some ideas about manhood and to become the kind of man you would admire. We can only better ourselves together, as men among men, so I invite you to use what I share and, of course, share your own opinions so that others can benefit from them as well. Looking forward to your points of view. All the best to you!
Julien, these speeches have been the catalyst to a drastic positive change within me over the past month or so through introspection and research into some of the areas you share such as authenticity, childhood trauma, all of it. I'm seeing everything around me from a better perspective and also I feel like for the first time in a long time I'm starting to feel like myself, and getting a glimpse of what that even is. Thanks for what you're doing. Very soon I'm taking a few days away from everything to really dive in to my psyche. It won't be comfortable but I feel like I'm begging myself to. Got the camping gear and everything, gonna be proper lo-fi
I love this quote of Jordan Peterson that be a dangerous person who choses to be nice not a weak person who has no choice but to be “nice” . When push comes to shove show them your teeth and they will back off
I say “good” not because I’m scared, but because I don’t want to talk or converse with someone. I either am not in the mood or I don’t feel comfortable enough to talk with them about personal things. I am a private person. So it’s sort of intentional and by choice to not let people know all my details. I have problems with boundaries and usually people, the more they know the more they do try to manipulate me. Haha yes it’s like “good” (now go away please please !!!) and all that pressure and tension is gone from me to feel like I need to talk about certain subjects.
Julien, Thankyou. You have changed my life. A psychology degree and 10 years of research trying to fix myself could never teach me what you have. Iv only ever tried to be more and more. I will now just try to be me and nothing but me. Thankyou
I don't say good because I'm hiding my real self. I say good because I don't want to make them wait in silence for 2 minutes while I go over my day and my decipher my own feelings just to let them know how I'm really doing. 99% of the time they don't care anyway. They didn't want a real response they wanted to be polite and start talking to you but they needed 15 seconds to think of an interesting question to ask.
I love how he is so honest and direct, and say things that its obvious but we dont pay attention to. Thank you Julien for your videos. Just opened my mind.
I can relate to "just be yourself" I'm not even sure if I'm being authentic most of the time For my experience what I noticed is that people ran away from me or I either pushed them away because I wasn't authentic Slowly but surely Im choosing to be authentic and at times it can be uncomfortable because I'm so used to overcompensating I'm at a point of being real regardless because that how God created us be What the point of always wearing a masks I know we all do it at times but we have to throw it away because it's no point and takes a lot of energy Great Video Julien I love your content
i used to be angry with everyone like this guy and think everyone was hiding behind a mask....but i realized just screaming at eachother and having psychotic meltdowns and cry sessions doesn't make for a very fun social experience either lol... id rather take the masks... ive figured out how to gently and subtly get people to be real without forcing them or without them even knowing that this is what im doing....
I can imagine how empowering this must feel for him to be his true self and own the room like this. I will have the ability to do this. We all have the ability to be true to ourselves if you want to put the work in
I am a super fan of your content julien!! I can't tell you how much confidence and authenticity you radiate.. Your soul is definitely inspiring my soul who has been in prison for so long, come out of it! Thanks you angel! 💖💗💞
I finally understand what Julien's message is. it's about being yourself. You can't be bettter than yourself. You can't be cooler than youreslf. You are cool. You can't let the world dictact who you really are. Letting go is one of the hardest truths ever. Now I have to apply it
This is something i have been struggling with for decades. I have a few tips. People pleasing at its worst is a childhood trauma response. Next time you with someone mentally invite who you were at 6 or 7 years old into the room. And ask yourself if you'd treat them with such a paternalistic attitude. A social interaction can be a dissociated state. You basically go into auto-mode. Maybe have a checklist or reminder to prompt yourself. It also worth noting adults are not children, we get an ego boost out of 'taking care of someone'. Finally, even if you can't complete change this aspect of yourself. Just avoid toxic manipulators & narssistic people. It's not just that they are happily taking your resources from you but youre missing out on meeting worthwhile people. I have to admit i will probably still buy someone a drink if i'm depressed or lonely. I see it as a form of therapy. But i don't fool myself into thinking there is a real friendship there. I like the Gandalf the white metaphor. There's that dark wizard /belief/ trauma or nonsense sucking our life force. We have to expell that bastaed from our minds thousands and thousands of times until it becomes an automated response
Yess I agree.. it’s like a child like innocence. The personality you had as a kid is now gone, because we care what ppl think. growing up we realize that. if we tap into this mindset and get away from our negative/ trauma trigger then we can totally be free!
Awesome speech! 👏🏻❤ Only thing - never understatement the power of real prayer - if you do, you never went REALLY into the dark for now where only prayer is left to you! But you will - one day👍🏻
This is some really, really, really …really BASIC stuff. Like something I would expect to read in a self help book from 20 years ago. Most people these days are pretty well aware of this level of “psychology”, just my opinion.
Recently my wife and I had a huge clash with her parents over decisions we made/have been making. Some of those things were us not going to church regularly, and drinking from time to time. They found out about this and lost their minds. We've been married 9 years and for 7 or 8 of those years we wouldn't do/or did so much stuff because of fear of disapproval from her parents. When all of the arguing was going on I held my tongue throughout a lot of things being said to me that was honestly way uncalled for, but I held my tongue because I'm a people pleaser, and a peace keeper, and overall a "nice" guy. It took all of that for me to realize that those ways of being are not always a good thing, and maybe you could argue, never are a good thing. I betrayed myself in order to settle things down. Fast forward to now, we are doing what we want to do, when we want to do it, and aren't apologizing for it. When something is bullshit, its bullshit, and needs to be called for what it is. Don't let other people keep you from living your life because your to nice to look them in the eye and say "you know what? No."
You're right, there's so much of that accumulated leftover muk that distorts our identity. I think about it as every experience is like reforging but the mistakes lie in forgetting to clean up properly, and then each future experience is distorted by that negligence. Its not an easy thing to break down years of that if there's this sunk cost fallacy protecting it or a fear of realizing the identity as flawed.
Sometimes you need to socially calibrate and understand the social cues to ease people in. Other times it's them. Ask yourself if you are hanging with people who naturally get me or do I have to explain me to them. My advice would to find your lane and it's ok if it takes time
If you are “trying so hard to be authentic”, is it authentic or are you still in an internal struggle? I ask this question fully admitting I’m still inauthentic so it’s also a question to myself I guess. Also what makes more friends, lying or being honest? Would you rather be lied to?
Better to be friendless and authentic than put on an act and be surrounded by a myriad of strangers. Friendship is how you define it and if people don't gravitate to the natural you they weren't compatible with you to begin with.
He was totally high that night. I don't know what he took, but he was high. I would know that, I'm high. Bu he is high in this video. You can't tell me he wasn't high. Man.. it felt so good pull it off my chest! I feel so confident now! Thanks Julien! But you are high
But you have to be tough life is rough, constantly complaining is not productive, might as well be and focus on the positive. I authentically am willing to do what it takes to get the things i want in life.
This guy’s content is brilliant, has helped me so much the last few days. Why is he so controversial? I was hoping to attend one of these events but he’s banned in my country! WTF
I’ve listened to this guy a few times now and people… it’s just a bunch of hot air- blah blah blah His message, to be your authentic self is true, but you don’t need him to tell you that- use your common sense and treat people the way you would like to be treated, and stand up for yourself with class and tact when someone treats you poorly. If they continue, walk away.
Be sure to check out my online course: Transformation Mastery 👉 It contains a lot of long client coaching breakdown videos about letting go: www.julienhimself.com/8p
When the moment comes the authenticity or truth comes out. One cannot predict the situation. It's good to be benign. BUT also to be strident. Strict. And hard.
Always a pleasure to watch your speeches sir. Resonated a lot with me, ex people pleaser till a few months back (28 yo now), I can see the difference between before and now, and mostly how many people that triggered to see who I really am 🤷🤣 And honestly I couldn't care less now 😁👍
I used to be fairly authentic until I started doing things I don’t really want to do. Wasn’t worth it, I drove away the most important relationship I had because I was now not an easy person to be around. It’s so so important to be true to ourselves
I don't put blame on anybody because it's my decision to be better after I realize the root. But I blame a lot of people pleasing behavior on shitty mother's, and that's coming from personal experience. My mom's a big people pleaser, and a fake, and I don't say that disrespectfully but Its just the truth. She always tried making me that way. I remember we argued one time and I told her idgaf what people think about and she flipped saying I needed to bc I needed to look a certain way in people's eyes and I responded telling her that's why you're never happy, because you're worried about crap like what people think when more then half the time they dgaf either and oh man she flipped haha!
Stop being So “nice” 👉 Be REAL instead!
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"You're all a bunch of scammers wearing masks!" - says the guy wearing sunglasses inside while charging how much for this seminar?
Brad Blanton liked this video
@@solastalgia4716 it's ok the glasses help him with his anxiety
Whole video please?
I’m a bit confused how your saying everyone wears a mask totally agree but your wearing sunglasses … you can’t even look them in the eyes?
When you're surrounded by narcissism, being yourself means you need to understand you're going to be doing life alone..narcs all around!
I used to be a people pleaser, a doormat, so to speak. The way I slowly remove my mask is by starting it with silence. If I don't feel like answering other people's questions, especially those toxic gloating and gossiping ones, i just don't answer it. They started thinking that I'm rude now, but so be it, at least my boundaries is now set.
Nice
@@lacidrainl5192I think most of us can relate. Everything happens in due time! We needed to gather enough mental strength and insight to change he course of action.
True words. As a recovering people pleaser I relate. I've spoken myself into all sorts of trouble. This has made many people lose respect for me. Silence is gold, taking time, not answering immediately. Tends to lead to more genuine answers.
Does a people pleaser just top people off at will?
👏💚
There's a difference between being nice and being kind. One of them you can't fake.
@@AlexanderPalermo-WyldeWhat is the difference? Between them if I was always authentic then I wouldn't even talk to people 80 percent of the time.
@@sans4124he difference is kindness is an act done out of genuine nature that extends goodness to another person.
Being nice is just an expression with no heart behind it.
@@sans4124Thats my take at least
@@themysteryofgodliness6574that makes no sense. Most "people pleasers" are genuinely like that. I genuinely treat people well, I just accepted that mental illness is real so most people abuse good people.
Now I'm a loner and feel better about myself... except when I get horny, so I'll deal with a woman until she becomes abusive then I'll cut her off like everyone else.
I still don't understand this concept of being a popular shitty person enjoying the company of other popular shitty people. It's just counterintuitive to me.
@@losgryfog Just because you don't like being around people doesn't mean that they don't deserve the same amount of kindness if you would deserve.
I never said anything about pleasing people. Nice people are people pleasers, kind people are people who empathize with other's struggles, and treat people with the treatment they themselves would want.
I do agree society so whack right now it's hard to even be around most people, but personally I would still treat them with kindness.
I dont think ppl understand how hard it is to speak in a room like this. Well done sir
It's called zanax
no its not@@copperhead954
The Theatrics helps. He does speak the truth though, you got to get them hooked somehow.
It took me so long to understand how repulsive & rude wearing a mask is to authentic ppl. I was raised to never show anger or sadness & plaster on a fake creepy smile.
Its amazing how positively the universe responds to u if u just drop the mask. Even if youre negative at times.
exactly!
What do you mean by the universe responding to you, I always hear people saying that and never understood it once. Is it like life changes for you and you start seeing it? Why does the term the universe be used, like as if outer space is controlling this or something
@@YWFilmProductions thats a good question, i do believe outer space controls everything in a way lol! Here i just mean the universe as in, everyone everywhere i go. I get what ur saying tho, a lot of ppl use it to describe how they believe this incarnation will respond as a reflection to your inner state, beliefs etc. "As within so without". As u feel inside, so the universe starts to respond.
@@aroguereptilian the "universe" doesnt exists. The earth is flat, space is a hoax
@@DanielGonzalez-tg7qg sweet💚
Validation seeking behavior is one of the greatest disservices we do to ourselves.
"You are conditioned to feel broken" wow Jullian, much love 💙✨
my default answer changed from "good" to "wasting life away" a few years ago... I've noticed that it REALLY throws people off not hearing "good" or something similar.
Yup I've gotten some dead eyed stares at retail stores from not saying "good" back to people.
🤣🤣
I DEMAND a conversation between this man and Andrew Tate 😭😂💯
julien would destroy the Bottom bunk G
Or Jordan Peterson and this guy xxx
I love Tate, but Julien would eat him for lunch. All it would take is one boastful comment and he'd immediately unpack it right in Andrew's face. He'd either tone down or leave the conversation.
@@blakejames9743it doesnt have to be hostile. Tate is very smart most he does is for jokes
That would be funny because Andrew Tate is unauthentic. He admits to taking advantage of men with his famoos the goose spiel but he mascarades as a man leader. Pushing porn is simply profiting from taking advantage and damaging men and little boys. He's pretty funny tho.
Saying "good" is another way to say, "I dont know you, i dont care for you, therefore, i dont care to open up to you". Great for random people. For family and close friends, maybe co workers, yes, you SHOULD be able to express yourself, but you SHOULD also be careful about who you open up to. Reality is that most people wont reciprocate your feelings and you might feel worse after sharing. So share with those you know that care, ktherwise, say good all the time and dgf.
That makes me not walk to talk to anybody. Theres always hidden meanings to everything? Then nothing is real bruh.😂
I do agree but you also need to give people the chance, to become someone more close to you in the first place. maybe you'll get surprised. by letting your mask fall infront of others, they might react in a similar way and you could bond over that a little.
I think it's fine to be real and raw, just don't give them you're life story. Keep it short and if they actually show interest then cool now you know not everyone means to be the robotic, some people might actually want to strike up conversation but they genuinely don't know how to without feeling like they are invading your space.
I’m a recovering people pleaser. At some point, after I having 3 kids and the pandemic, I just got so sick of dealing with bullshit - especially my own. I was too tired to pretend everything was fine. Everything I did my entire life was out of concern for what people would think of me. It becomes addictive when you start to feel free to be yourself. It’s alarming to people who found comfort in your ability to please them. Some people are not in my life anymore because they found my honesty shocking after decades of me being a passive doormat. My relationship with my family, especially with my husband and the friends who have endured, feels so much more meaningful and authentic. My social calendar has decreased a lot, only doing things that are really important to me and my family. I’m much more introverted and protective of where I expend my energy, and I have way more time and attention for myself and the people I love. Best of all, my peace of mind grown exponentially. But I find I’m challenged daily and if I’m not careful the old habits of masking will come back. It’s definitely triggering and I have to constantly examine myself. But it feels really good.
I used to be honest and tell people how I truly felt and what I thought. I found that people didnt actually want to know, they were being "polite" but didnt really want to be "burdened" by my honesty. I stopped having friends and stopped talking casually to my family. I rarely talk to anyone but my young kids or husband now 😢
So....how's that been working for you?
Same, the difference is I don't have a husband or a kid so I talk to my dogs
I find that people like real people until you are real with them
@@ether9533I am you
Not everyone deserves your Kindness, so keep it for the one's that do, those Rare, yet Humble Gems🙂
Julien. I have commented previously, but this is IMPORTANT. Your work taps into a lot of what psychologists would address in modern society, and you have a raw and real approach that NEEDS to be addressed. I love your work and the rest of RSD. I hope our modern society of men can wake up and listen to your words.
Sooo much to be gained from this 🙏
It’s definitely very similar to psychotherapy
It's better to have no friends than the wrong friends. Hermits deal with less drama.
True but when you are authentic you will attract better friends. Good luck.
Peaceful solitude will always beat toxic "connection".
“Embrace the darkness” and discomfort. It’s the only way
Embrace your mind and your body!
I am a 28 year old woman. I’m such a people pleaser. I’ve been that way since I was a kid after my parents divorced. Always trying to keep the peace with everyone around me. I am also TERRIBLE at using the word “no” because I have this extreme fear of offending people or disappointing people. I am always extra cautious with what I say and always think things offend people that may actually not and aren’t even a big deal. I guess I walk on egg shells with everyone
Stop walking
felt.. /:
I used to be like that too. What you need to realize is that you're not responsible for how people think of you. I used to worry that if I didn't smile just right or say something with the right tone that people would think I was being rude. Be real with people. Be kind, patient, and respectful, but make no apology for being you and setting boundaries for yourself. I know you can do it because I did it, and I used to have zero confidence in myself. I'm also 28, and you reminded me of myself. Never give up. God bless!
In 70 years none of this will matter, you will be dead and so will everyone you worry about so much. Live your life, your time is short.
‘None of you were born as pathetic as you are today..’
**nails it for most of us😂.
Bro, you are super entertaining with bang on insight. A real eye opener.
Thank you! Glad my content has been so insightful! 🙏
I used to be so "not giving a damn about what others think",
but ever since I got in a relationship & had a child I lost this.
Because I thought I needed to be a certain type for a relationship & being a mom.
And right now I'm trying to get my authentic self back! 😭❤️
Let me know if you'd like my help with this... I'm a parent, and it's something I went through as well: application.julienhimself.com 🙏
Be your own style of mum ❤ authenticity rock!
There's nothing inherently inauthentic about considering another person, that's maturity, it's what you do with it that determines authenticity. Do you mask up, repress, or be authentic.
Just remember, you know what is best for yourself and your baby.....other people are well meaning but so many times they have no idea of what is good for you yet they insist that you forsake your own intuition. This brings problems later on in life if you cave into them. There is a fine line to walk sometimes.
In other words, you regret having kids. Probably shouldn't have gotten drunk that night huh.
My problem is not being able to come back with the right response at the time of a negative situation!!!!!!
Same!!!
A lot of people think the only option other than being nice is being mean & that's not true. Being assertive & pleasant is an option, that's what I aim for.
11:33 people are so afraid of being insecure, which is a weakness itself. Nothing wrong with weakness either. That's just how we are. Life is dynamic.
Luckily I learned this lesson a long time ago but it’s a great reminder so I don’t EVER get sucked back in to the bullshit fakeness of people!!!
Love to hear someone tell it like it. Crazy how you can put up blinders to insecurities to hold onto an idea of yourself. When you're really tired of it, the bullshit is obvious. Thank you, you're extremely inspiring.
Thanks! Glad this resonates! 🔥👊
@@JulienHimselfit might resonate with soy boys who wear sunglasses and scarfs inside but the rest of us laugh at this infomercial
I totally agree with what you are preaching here. Being authentic is so important, but I’ve found that because so many people are struggling with their own mental health and issues, that saying “negatively oriented things” becomes a burden to listen to. Hence, people distance. May not be immediately but it will happen. This is what people subconsciously register and that’s why we’ve become a “im good culture.”
This resonates, I’ve seen it so heavily in my life that at times I communicate negative things in hopes the person leaves me alone/never speaks to me again.
It’s good to know I’m no longer the source of others feel good but at times I try to consider that others have helped build me up in dark times and no one in this world is meant to live this life alone.
There is a balance but how do we mitigate it to reflect the life we want outwardly?
Very interesting. I think this has a lot to do with why addiction is so prevalent. I'm just starting to learn these things in 12 step rooms. That is also the only place I've seen people be honest about how they are actually doing recently or at the moment
I agree. I'd always been an "energizer bunny", "supermom" until 6 years ago when I developed sudden and severe Type 1 narcolepsy (currently receiving disability). I lost everything I'd worked for (just 4 years out of school and in a new career) except for the clothes on my back and a few knickknacks (home, car, career, 4 animals, both my kids moved away, meds caused me to lose 30lbs- now just 93lbs - and all my hair to fall out ...) and after 6-ish months of me being completely devastated (and homeless) my dad said, "I can't take this negativity anymore" and refused to speak to me for 11.5 months. Being real didn't go well for me at all.
I know this isn't what this video's about, but I had a realization after indulging in a few of your videos, that I am actually not thinking about what other people may be thinking of me as much now. It's insane how watching videos and thinking of what is being said to whomever in the audience, or whomever is pulled on stage is actually you talking directly to me is changing my perspective of me. Also, pertaining to the last video I watched which was about anxiety and talking to younger selves, that I used to barrage myself with mean comments and self argue when i am alone. But recently I noticed that instead of just the self insults, its more of a heated discussion with myself, like my younger self and I are telling each other what the issue is and that I don't actually despise myself, but in-fact, I understand that what I did was a consequence of putting on a front. Thank you to whomever reads this
Putting on a front, trying to fit in, just so that people will like you is so TIRING. It's like "Gees, can I just be myself?!? Why do when I feel like I am being who I truly am when no one is around, I get the sense that in your mind, you are belittling me? When I reveal dorky, quirky, boring stuff, I feel that you are belittling me? Why is it that I can't just be my corny, child like self around you? When you act however you act, no matter how differentiated it is from me, I still choose to accept and embrace that of you - so why is it that you cannot do the same for me or for anyone who isn't "COOL" like you? Why people can't let people be themselves?"
If I get the sense someone doesn't allow me to be the inner child, which we all have within us - I'll just choose not to be around this person. I'm not going to ignore that aspect of myself just to be "COOL" and to "FIT IN".
It's not worth it. It's like a full time job that only pays you back in stress. It's too much work 😅
being authentic/being oneself is the most important thing of all. its that simple.
My heart rate went up thinking about the areas in my life that I can be more real
That's because those areas are hard wired defense mechanisms. If we try to shut off that defense mechanism we feel unsafe and our body tells us that by doing things like raising our heart rate. My defense mechanism was alcohol and when I thought about not having it my heart rate would go up.
Cause deep down, we all know that if we're more "real", a lot of who we know, maybe even our jobs, go away. Haha.
When I started learning English, the first thing that struck me was that such deep and personal question like "how are you?" is basically just a part of greeting someone, when nobody in fact cares about what the answer is, and people are taught to automatically spit out "Fine, thanks! How are you?" - returning the favor of asking fake questions and not caring what the answer is. Imo, people need to stop asking such questions unless they really mean it, otherweise they are just spreading the fakeness.
I agree, but its also kinda hard to tell whether people mean it or not.
I never respond. I ignore those people
Damn. You actually just blew my mind.
sometimes its just to start a convo, to say how are you, and honestly who cares if they mean it or not, i believe we are all narcisissts at the end of the day just some people choose to embrace it more
Two minutes into this video and I'm reminded of my mom. Ask her how she's doing, she'll tell you about her backpain, headache and that she's on antibiotics for an urinary tract infection. I think answering that you're fine would be better 😂 as the question is really not about anything other than common courtesy and a way to initiate a conversation. I don't think we always need to be so literal.
Amazing video! Not only Julien talks about the pleasing behaviour but also how to fix it. Fixing it takes time, but everything that you work on long hours will be an honest payoff. Most people take others down because otherwise they would not survive. And it’s easier to survive this way than put in long effort to change your innerself in an authentic way.
1. Go deep in meditative state, find the past situations and emotions u were in, then keep letting those emotions go to the ground. Do this for a few months.
2. From now on every interaction with a human being u come across who pushes your boundaries stay conscious about it, try to be relaxt and tell or show them it’s not what u want, u can also look at them at a certain way. Do what u want and how u want it. Accept the fear, accept the conflict and go in anyway. This way u also create more positieve reference experiences and claim ur power back. The only way is to going true the wall directly. Done.
Nice one, actually it's so sad that people go through life and have never been who they really are, authenticity is best seen when we are children, and later most people only see what society approves, it affects their relationships, work, behavior, what they can do and can't do, what they can and can't say..
I know that Im a total badass even tho I struggle in some social situations. But that doesnt mean that I have low self-esteem or low self-confidence, Im just dealing with traumas. I struggle with them when Im alone too, with the same emotions that arise when Im with people. Dont get discouraged by others. Keep fighting, keep working and become the total badass you have always wanted to become 😎
I keep hearing this. Like if you stop being so kind it will help you, people will respect you, people will trust you and like you, women will get turned on, the world will bend to your desire… no people will just not like you more. We’re all fake and trying to get something out of being nice but their is a social agreement to do that and when you opt out of the agreement it doesn’t set you aside as some real, strong, cool person that everybody respects and cherishes now. No they don’t like you cause you shatter their illusion of themselves and you intimidate them.
I think there’s truth in this. I had an amazing friend once who was very authentic and very honest but I know a lot of people found her intimidating. I personally found her refreshing until the last time we had a disagreement and she was a little too frank with me! Not easy when you’re struggling with mental health issues! Sadly our friendship never recovered after that so I think being careful with how honest you are is important as well. I still miss her tho authenticity like that is rare 😢
For some being nice makes a person feel good so no I’d rather be nice.
Wow dude what a good life advice. Its about allowing ourselves to be vulnerable and by that I mean allowing the outer world to see us as we really are, with all we have good and bad within us, with all our flaws and "patheticness" and be ok with it. Its definetly gonna take some time to achieve this state of mind, but I think its absolutly necessary for a fulfilled life. Thank you Julien !
It's self esteem and you should build it up so you can always turn inwards when you need recognition and validation. Dont get it from other people get it from within yourself because you know your flaws and self worth. From time to time it's good to get it from other people but if not you can always get it from yourself.
Being honest, open and real. I wonder why he is wearing sunglasses indoors. Always makes me wonder.
Bec he just simply wanted to? @ 9:00 he took it off shortly
How do you know what someone really thinks, when most people aren’t truthful. You might be in a relationship and that person is with you for convenience. Maybe you pay the bills. Maybe they desire someone else but settle for you.
Super grateful that TH-cam recommended this video! That's exactly what I needed to hear!
Julien, you are so authentic. I've only seen two videos of yours so far, but they always resonate and always get to the heart of the issue at hand. I also think another problem some people go through (myself included) is that we hold onto those who don't value our true selves or play power games (The +1/-1 you mentioned) because we love them and feel we deserve them. My parents claim to be emotionally available, but then my father especially will scoff when I express myself or be my true self, and many others I've been stuck around in life (school peers) are like that too. Our people-pleasing natures arise from survival tactics because we know those around us don't truly value who we are. It's time to overcome that for better or for worse, because holding back our true selves only hurts us more. Thank you for your wisdom and authenticity! 🧡
You speak from a perspective I've not heard before. Alot of self help isn't honest enough. Great video 👍
Thank you for giving this for free. It’s really speaking to me.
You're welcome! 🙏
Be genuine, not fake.
Plus i was on a plane back home and met a girl with 2 phones "2 faced"
that was the only answer that came up in my head.
This makes me feel a bit better about myself. Usually when someone asks me how I'm doing, if a say good, I give a short reason why such as a new season of a show I like came out or I got a hot date or I got a bonus pay. Otherwise I usually say "fair could be worse could be better" or "I don't know yet my day just started". It's honest and is definitely an answer that makes for a lively conversation without being too personal. Some people look at me puzzled for a second but then I tell them ide rather be honest than a drone. It definitely causes people to think rather than being a mindless replay recording of responses. It's a thing that bothers me quite a bit.
that's deep, "mindless replay of responses" it's scary how robot some people are
To be fair when most people ask how you're doing they don't really care so the "good" response is just an empty reply to an empty question.
I'd rather say nothing at all than ask someone how they're doing if I honestly don't care so when they ask to me it kind of pisses me off.
@@stoiccrane4259 I get that its more of a "none of your business type of question". It's kind of a shame we live in a world where people's genuine concern for others, even complete strangers can be faked. But I generally try not to make assumptions of others. Because what if that person happens to be the kind that would give they're shirt off they're own back to someone in the middle of a blizzard? (Metaphorically of course)
We need more people like them and by acting out in a way to discourage them only makes things worse for everyone including ourselves. I don't so much believe in the spiritual side of karma, but I am a firm believer and to a lesser degree a practitioner of its principles. There might come time when we can truly talk to people and not be a indifferent to everyone without reprocussion.
@@IIIISai I'm not sure it's people being "robot"-ic. I think it's more of people trying not to be invested in the well being of others to avoid what they believe to be unnecessary responsibilities. Unfortunately too many have had that forced on them at an early age so we arm ourselves with indifference and fear of the unknown to compensate for our lack of preparation. It's the lack of concern that is partially to blame for generations of introverts. We all have some preconceived notion of how people should think and act which when we find those who aren't common for how they act and think so we gang up on them. People who suffer from aspergers or those who legitimately suffer from bpd can easily be targeted for hazing instead of being accepted and we don't even stop to consider the reason they are the way they are, either out of fear of being left out or by not being consideredcool becausebeing indifferent has become a trend. So we usually are faced with 2 kinds of adults. Ones that avoid everyone else and those that are considered social but they're minds never left high school. I hope at some point we can all just do away with false notions of normality and just allow people to be people without worrying about they're taste in trivial things like clothes, music, entertainment, etc so we can start focusing on what's more important. Such as how we can make life more livable even for people of lower class. Or those who was raised in unorthodox environments.
PS: please forgive my rambling. It's my day off and I might have had too much coffee 😆
When you think Julien is already at his TOP and you see this... MASTERPIECE... Mindblowing and so true! Best speech I've ever seen!
If mastery and masculinity are topics that interest you, I invite you to explore the videos shared on the Mastery Order Channel to challenge yourself with some ideas about manhood and to become the kind of man you would admire.
We can only better ourselves together, as men among men, so I invite you to use what I share and, of course, share your own opinions so that others can benefit from them as well.
Looking forward to your points of view.
All the best to you!
Damn true, hes the only one person i seen that says the things how the are, its amazing being able to listen to him
Julien, these speeches have been the catalyst to a drastic positive change within me over the past month or so through introspection and research into some of the areas you share such as authenticity, childhood trauma, all of it. I'm seeing everything around me from a better perspective and also I feel like for the first time in a long time I'm starting to feel like myself, and getting a glimpse of what that even is. Thanks for what you're doing. Very soon I'm taking a few days away from everything to really dive in to my psyche. It won't be comfortable but I feel like I'm begging myself to. Got the camping gear and everything, gonna be proper lo-fi
how u doing?
This is what i needed right now to see. I have so many abusive and fake people around me, taking advantage of me, it's unreal..
What’s wrong with showing gratitude ? It does help get my day going and manifest new thing in my life tbh …
You can be a decent person without letting ppl push you around. That's intelligence.
I love this quote of Jordan Peterson that be a dangerous person who choses to be nice not a weak person who has no choice but to be “nice” . When push comes to shove show them your teeth and they will back off
I say “good” not because I’m scared, but because I don’t want to talk or converse with someone. I either am not in the mood or I don’t feel comfortable enough to talk with them about personal things. I am a private person. So it’s sort of intentional and by choice to not let people know all my details. I have problems with boundaries and usually people, the more they know the more they do try to manipulate me. Haha yes it’s like “good” (now go away please please !!!) and all that pressure and tension is gone from me to feel like I need to talk about certain subjects.
I totally agree with what you said Here. I do that for the same reasons and I think it is totally fine. Do you!
i just say "mmm" or "meh" to that so that people don't get the wrong idea
Authenticity through letting go is the powerful cheat code of life!
Great speech!!! -Owen
Great Owen!!! -speech
@@Sixsoul haha what?
@@Sixsoul 😂😂😂
Julien, Thankyou. You have changed my life. A psychology degree and 10 years of research trying to fix myself could never teach me what you have. Iv only ever tried to be more and more. I will now just try to be me and nothing but me. Thankyou
Thank you for what you do
I genuinely like people and like being nice but people always think it's fake but it's not.
I don't say good because I'm hiding my real self. I say good because I don't want to make them wait in silence for 2 minutes while I go over my day and my decipher my own feelings just to let them know how I'm really doing. 99% of the time they don't care anyway. They didn't want a real response they wanted to be polite and start talking to you but they needed 15 seconds to think of an interesting question to ask.
i mean you can just be like "meh" just anything that isn't "good" you know
I love how he is so honest and direct, and say things that its obvious but we dont pay attention to. Thank you Julien for your videos. Just opened my mind.
I can relate to "just be yourself"
I'm not even sure if I'm being authentic most of the time
For my experience what I noticed is that people ran away from me or I either pushed them away because I wasn't authentic
Slowly but surely Im choosing to be authentic and at times it can be uncomfortable because I'm so used to overcompensating
I'm at a point of being real regardless because that how God created us be
What the point of always wearing a masks I know we all do it at times but we have to throw it away because it's no point and takes a lot of energy
Great Video Julien
I love your content
Also to Let Go and Unlearn The BS you believe that you negatively believe about yourself
Bring me is what kept me away from a lot. But I’m thankful for it at the same time.
If you’re a friend of everyone, you’re an enemy to yourself.
i used to be angry with everyone like this guy and think everyone was hiding behind a mask....but i realized just screaming at eachother and having psychotic meltdowns and cry sessions doesn't make for a very fun social experience either lol... id rather take the masks... ive figured out how to gently and subtly get people to be real without forcing them or without them even knowing that this is what im doing....
I can imagine how empowering this must feel for him to be his true self and own the room like this. I will have the ability to do this. We all have the ability to be true to ourselves if you want to put the work in
I am a super fan of your content julien!!
I can't tell you how much confidence and authenticity you radiate..
Your soul is definitely inspiring my soul who has been in prison for so long, come out of it!
Thanks you angel! 💖💗💞
Amazing to hear!! Keep crushing it! 🙌
I finally understand what Julien's message is. it's about being yourself. You can't be bettter than yourself. You can't be cooler than youreslf. You are cool. You can't let the world dictact who you really are. Letting go is one of the hardest truths ever. Now I have to apply it
This is something i have been struggling with for decades. I have a few tips. People pleasing at its worst is a childhood trauma response. Next time you with someone mentally invite who you were at 6 or 7 years old into the room. And ask yourself if you'd treat them with such a paternalistic attitude. A social interaction can be a dissociated state. You basically go into auto-mode. Maybe have a checklist or reminder to prompt yourself. It also worth noting adults are not children, we get an ego boost out of 'taking care of someone'. Finally, even if you can't complete change this aspect of yourself. Just avoid toxic manipulators & narssistic people. It's not just that they are happily taking your resources from you but youre missing out on meeting worthwhile people. I have to admit i will probably still buy someone a drink if i'm depressed or lonely. I see it as a form of therapy. But i don't fool myself into thinking there is a real friendship there. I like the Gandalf the white metaphor. There's that dark wizard /belief/ trauma or nonsense sucking our life force. We have to expell that bastaed from our minds thousands and thousands of times until it becomes an automated response
Yess I agree.. it’s like a child like innocence. The personality you had as a kid is now gone, because we care what ppl think. growing up we realize that. if we tap into this mindset and get away from our negative/ trauma trigger then we can totally be free!
Awesome speech! 👏🏻❤
Only thing - never understatement the power of real prayer - if you do, you never went REALLY into the dark for now where only prayer is left to you! But you will - one day👍🏻
This is some really, really, really …really BASIC stuff. Like something I would expect to read in a self help book from 20 years ago. Most people these days are pretty well aware of this level of “psychology”, just my opinion.
Incredible to watch your personal development journey and passing the lessons you’ve learned along to everyone. :)
The showmanship on this is next level, and there's density to this that everybody can feel on an unconscious level
i couldn't get past seeing that scarf and those sunglasses on a consious level let alone that deep observation you just made.
@@cameronbartlett6593 Cry harder. No one cares.
I love how I just started straight up crying in 5 minutes of watching this, because it was just way too accurate..
Sometimes it's so difficult to identify what about My behavior is authentic and what is fake.
The good parts of your behaviour is real. Negative behaviour is trauma defensive behaviour. Pretending is a negative behaviour.
Recently my wife and I had a huge clash with her parents over decisions we made/have been making. Some of those things were us not going to church regularly, and drinking from time to time. They found out about this and lost their minds. We've been married 9 years and for 7 or 8 of those years we wouldn't do/or did so much stuff because of fear of disapproval from her parents. When all of the arguing was going on I held my tongue throughout a lot of things being said to me that was honestly way uncalled for, but I held my tongue because I'm a people pleaser, and a peace keeper, and overall a "nice" guy. It took all of that for me to realize that those ways of being are not always a good thing, and maybe you could argue, never are a good thing. I betrayed myself in order to settle things down. Fast forward to now, we are doing what we want to do, when we want to do it, and aren't apologizing for it. When something is bullshit, its bullshit, and needs to be called for what it is. Don't let other people keep you from living your life because your to nice to look them in the eye and say "you know what? No."
True, I’m such a people pleaser i can’t stop.. starting to worry about my mental health because of it
You're right, there's so much of that accumulated leftover muk that distorts our identity. I think about it as every experience is like reforging but the mistakes lie in forgetting to clean up properly, and then each future experience is distorted by that negligence.
Its not an easy thing to break down years of that if there's this sunk cost fallacy protecting it or a fear of realizing the identity as flawed.
I followed J’s advice, told my co-worker of 5 years that he was a cut-throat user!
He was close to my boss, within 2 weeks, I WAS FIRED!!!
Honesty makes me no friends. My god, I've never made a friend being authentic and I try so hard.
Sometimes you need to socially calibrate and understand the social cues to ease people in. Other times it's them. Ask yourself if you are hanging with people who naturally get me or do I have to explain me to them. My advice would to find your lane and it's ok if it takes time
If you are “trying so hard to be authentic”, is it authentic or are you still in an internal struggle? I ask this question fully admitting I’m still inauthentic so it’s also a question to myself I guess. Also what makes more friends, lying or being honest? Would you rather be lied to?
Better to be friendless and authentic than put on an act and be surrounded by a myriad of strangers. Friendship is how you define it and if people don't gravitate to the natural you they weren't compatible with you to begin with.
Most ppl can't handle truth.
Don't try. Normally ppl have like 2-5 close friends, that's it
He was totally high that night. I don't know what he took, but he was high. I would know that, I'm high. Bu he is high in this video. You can't tell me he wasn't high.
Man.. it felt so good pull it off my chest! I feel so confident now! Thanks Julien! But you are high
How do you be nice but not a people pleaser but also not a person filled with hatred.
Be your definition of "nice". Not what you think theirs is.
Be nice when necessary. Be kind by doing courteous actions. Be real whenever you want especially when someone needs it. To hear the truth.
This is what gets me the most from coworkers, constant putting down game , I don't wanna play it
REALNESS!!!
But you have to be tough life is rough, constantly complaining is not productive, might as well be and focus on the positive. I authentically am willing to do what it takes to get the things i want in life.
I’ve been working on being LESS real.. because people don’t like to hear “real”
Exactly this. Nowadays being real is a quick way to get cancelled and have people trash talk you behind your back even more.
You just have to be selective. But its true alot of people dont know how to reach to honesty.
Be yourself. Not the self that you think you are. Your real self.
With one thing I can't agree. Praying is the beggining of every change!!!
you forgot to add: " for me "
I’ve been trained to treat others like how I want to be treated
This guy’s content is brilliant, has helped me so much the last few days. Why is he so controversial? I was hoping to attend one of these events but he’s banned in my country! WTF
? Really?? Why that?! Which country?
@@8all8at8once8 Uk - he used to do dating stuff which was a bit edgy. Shame as I would love to see him speak live
@@CrocPit uuhh, like pick up artistry?
@@8all8at8once8 yeah I think so, didn’t really watch it but he does refer to those days sometimes
Sad part is people actually needed this man to have a platform to tell them this to figure it out in the first place
What is sad about it. Life is complicated. Not all people need it
I hope I can know these inherent truths one day off the top of my head, Thank you Julien.
The only way is to make them part of WHO YOU ARE! 🔥👊
The wisdom is on another level. He is spot on, challenge the conditioning you have bought into.
I ALWAYS ASK: what cant I do?
Now look at me trying to create something. Anything positive
the more i grow i see just how much of a gaslighting society and world we live in
I’ve listened to this guy a few times now and people… it’s just a bunch of hot air- blah blah blah
His message, to be your authentic self is true, but you don’t need him to tell you that- use your common sense and treat people the way you would like to be treated, and stand up for yourself with class and tact when someone treats you poorly.
If they continue, walk away.
Thanks Dr Phil you really nailed it with that one.
Damask I put on as a child was a survival tactic.
Now that I'm older I told those annoying people to get the hell out of my life
I want to see more letting go stuff with your clients tbh. This video is great too, not even a pause throughout the video
Be sure to check out my online course: Transformation Mastery 👉 It contains a lot of long client coaching breakdown videos about letting go: www.julienhimself.com/8p
When the moment comes the authenticity or truth comes out. One cannot predict the situation. It's good to be benign. BUT also to be strident. Strict. And hard.
Always a pleasure to watch your speeches sir.
Resonated a lot with me, ex people pleaser till a few months back (28 yo now), I can see the difference between before and now, and mostly how many people that triggered to see who I really am 🤷🤣
And honestly I couldn't care less now 😁👍
I used to be fairly authentic until I started doing things I don’t really want to do. Wasn’t worth it, I drove away the most important relationship I had because I was now not an easy person to be around. It’s so so important to be true to ourselves
I don't put blame on anybody because it's my decision to be better after I realize the root. But I blame a lot of people pleasing behavior on shitty mother's, and that's coming from personal experience. My mom's a big people pleaser, and a fake, and I don't say that disrespectfully but Its just the truth. She always tried making me that way. I remember we argued one time and I told her idgaf what people think about and she flipped saying I needed to bc I needed to look a certain way in people's eyes and I responded telling her that's why you're never happy, because you're worried about crap like what people think when more then half the time they dgaf either and oh man she flipped haha!
Julien deserves to do a Ted Talk! Watching from Northern Ireland love your videos has really helped me