I’ve watched this so many times over the last few months. I’m in a new relationship after an abusive one. It’s such a different feeling to have someone so calm and even-mannered that I panic it’s an act. It’s so so hard not to sabotage something good by paranoia that it’s bad.
Same!!! I met someone that is amazing but I am constantly afraid the other shoe is going to drop. I don't know if my heart could handle that. I hate that these relationships shake our ability to trust people so much.
@@tonna15I'm in the same boat... My fear and paranoia have been destroying me because I genuinely don't think I could handle the heartbreak after finally getting into a healthy relationship.
Concise summary. 1. They are outwardly charming. 2. They are emotionally unpredictable. 3. They take their problems out on you. 4. They isolate you from other loved ones. 5. You minimize the consequences of their behavior on you. 6. You constantly make excuses for them. 7. You are becoming more emotionally detached and numb. 8. You are hiding aspects of your relationship with others. You know something is wrong.
I was "trapped" in a trauma-bond for almost 30 years and finally filed for divorce. From the very beginning, I felt like he needed me and that I would be the one person who would be his biggest supporter. All of the signs that you mentioned in this video, I experienced. I tried to leave several times during the marriage but the "bond" was so tight. I almost lost my life (literally) and that was the beginning of the awakening. Psychological abuse is insidiously evil! Thank God that I'm out, free, healing and getting back to myself!
0:57 - The person is outwardly charming. 1:27 - They are emotionally unpredictable. 2:04 - They tend to take their problems out on you. 2:27 - They isolate you from your loved ones. 3:00 - You deny or minimize their abusive behavior. 3:41 - You constantly make excuses for them. 4:12 - You're becoming more and more emotionally numb. 4:49 - You're hiding aspects of your relationship from others. I still recommend watching the full video.
This is also a good tool in teaching your children how to spot an abuser early and avoid them, or distance themselves before they are in too deep. I always tell my teenage daughter that no matter what happens to her or what she does she is always welcome home. You have to talk to your children about anything in life long before they are at an age to experience such things so that your guidance and words are in imbedded their minds before the situation presents itself.
@@Rowenawhite they're giving general advice. They're not meant for every single case. Kids today are luckier than my generation and those who came before us, only in that you guys have the internet. You have so many tools at your disposal. I wish I had internet when I was a kid. I would've probably seen through the abuse I went through, instead of thinking it was normal. Parents definitely should teach their kids about abuse, how to spot it, and how to get out of it safely. As Psych2Go said, if you find yourself in a trauma bonded relationship, notify the proper authorities. In your case, if you're a minor with abusive parents, you can call CPS or have a trusted adult do it for you. By trusted adult, I mean a friend's parents, a relative you trust, a good neighbor, or even the police. You will be removed from your house and placed elsewhere, probably another family member, if your parents are found guilty of child abuse. Again, OP was giving general good advice for parents. If you have abusive parents, please do what you can to legally get out of there. You deserve love, support, and guidance.
This is what I am teaching my children even though they are young they need to know, and most parents are not teaching this to kids and you see why they are emotionally detach
Put an end to a relationship like that, lasted for 2yrs... I was denying myself that was trauma bonding but now i realised it really is. and isolating was last one he did, lashes out about my family to me and telling me how they are not good for me..that was breaking point. i was losing myself and feeling anxious when i was with him. it took me 2yrs to choose myself out of this and think that i deserve better.. here i am, i did it finally. Sending strength to everyone who's going thru similar experiences, no one is worth losing yourself over.
As a male who’s dealt with this: men, it’s okay if you feel the way they’ve outlined in the video. No you’re not weak. No, you’re not less of a man for not being willing to deal with the BS. And yes, you ARE worth more than the relationship you’re in. Do what’s best for you, and much love and strength to you for seeking to do better.
I do agree with that, a man is not weak for ending a relationship or telling a woman he's done with the bullshit (leaving) unless she changes (how she treats him, stop the psychological abuse); the downside is though, unless a man is quote "high value' (as defined by the effinist zeitgeist), his status is percieved too low any way and he deserves to be treated like a beta as opposed to an alpha to begin with, so no matter what he does in response to abuse he is percieved as a weak man regardless; because of the ultra hypergamous culture that virtue signals that 'all men are bad and all women are always perfect angels'...
@@EarthenGames I felt that ❤️🩹 mine is with another man that she left me with, last year. She is having a kid with him, and she told me she loved me and that she wish the baby was mine. I still love her, but not as much as I used to, I would never go back to that toxic relationship and I wish her the best. I’m rooting for her from afar, I still want to see her eat, just not at my table
Gaslighting is a concept that's becoming more and more common in the workplace to keep subordinates from becoming confident and demanding more for themself and staying submissive to their superior.
@T E maybe but how do you know it's more common in the workplace? and what about people/employees who don't have good insight? Is the boss gaslighting or are the issues real? I mean, it may be that the boss lacks insight and has issues? not meant to be trolling, real question.
I used to think that trauma bonding was based on shared trauma, but this helped clear a lot of misconceptions around the concept. Thanks for sharing this educational video, Psych2Go! 🌙
it still is, I believe, because it's something that we become attracted to because it is familiar to us, we are magnets because we both come from the same trauma, thus attract those who grew up with emotionally unavailable parent(s), trying to fulfill an unmet childhood need.
I’m in a trauma bond now and working on getting out. This hit me hard because it was a very hard pill to swallow and process it but this helps a ton so thank you ❤️
@@Nicop2227 You are not alone and I may not know your situation but what really helped me was watching a lot of videos about what trauma bonds are and I was actually prescribed Fluoxetine and Prozoin and that helped me see past my rose colored glasses. It’s completely valid to feel scared, I’m still scared myself because I have to wait to get my own place since we have an apartment together. Take baby steps, and if you still feel uncertain about things make a list of pros and cons and things will start to make sense. I couldn’t see it until I wrote it down. I hope you can find peace and can get away ❤️
@@mariahbarboni1542 thank you so much for caring. I forgot what that felt like. If you want to talk, I would really enjoy that. Thanks again for your advice. Be blessed
@@Nicop2227 Absolutely!! Always here to help. I used to be that person who would always ask why don’t they just leave? Until I got stuck in one and then I learned but it also helped me to regain my strength with research and you can do this, and don’t set a time sensitive goal but at your own pace so you can feel in control ❤️
Honestly, this might come as a shock. But I am a male partner in a relationship and I needed to hear this. Not because I’m a victim, but I see myself doing some of these things. So this was a eye opener for me, and I would definitely recommend your content and others like it to anybody else who might need it.
You are so very brave to admit this. I hope you're finding success in trying to change and I wish you healing from whatever caused you to make these mistakes.
Its important to work on yourself. So when abusers put on the charm in the beginning you don`t get sucked in. When you have heathy self respect, you think well of yourself and someone telling you nice things doesn`t make you a sucker. I can spot a narcissist a mile off now... when they try to chat me up they are full of compliments and I`m like yeh, I know! It doesnt make me putty in their hands anymore, because I have healthy self esteem now. :) I usually avoid them like the plague now and prefer emotional mature men who treat me as a person rather than a possession.
It’s so true. The abuse is so normal to me it doesn’t even register as abuse to me anymore. It did at first, but I ignored it and eventually it became normal that it feels weird when people are nice to me. Like I don’t deserve it
I used to be the abuser, my current gf used to be the receiver of an abuser. We have an amazingly healthy relationship. I have done a lot of self work as well as her. God has been the foundation of our relationship. It’s interesting to watch our relationship blossom. But going from unhealthy to healthy is such a new scary experience.
Wow, that's wonderful. I'm glad to hear that everything is going well for you now. But allow me to ask, why has God become the foundation of the new healthy relationship? Is it possible to build healthy relationships based on mutual respect if both partners are atheists? I'm genuinely interested in hearing your opinion.
Last week I did something tremendously difficult for me and ended a romantic toxic relationship. Although I felt relieved I still get remourses and sometimes wonder if I did the right thing. I really appreciated this video for helping me realize once more why I made the right decision ❤
@Carlota Carneiro You did the right thing. I’m currently coming on the brighter end of the same. Walking away is a sign of strength but it’s only the beginning. It’s normal to want to return to what was familiar , it’s okay to feel what you feel- don’t rush your healing. Embrace it!!! Sending hugs and prayers for endurance- You’re closer to the healthy and proper love of your partner who will see your value and build you up as you all journey life together. You got this! I’m proud of you 🙏🏾♥️
This is how I used to treat my girlfriend. She's stuck with me. We've been together for five years. We both come from very abusive pasts. Hurt people hurt other people. I'm happy we've talked it out and have managed to grow together. Keep up the work.
Hi! Could you tell me a bit more about this if you want? I have a feeling my boyfriend was a trauma bond, but lately we have been talking and growing together, so I wanted to hear about your experience to see that he's not playing me..
@@hanim_s He might not realize that you feel this way. Definitely talk to him about it. It's hard to stay but harder to work it out. It's up to you what to do with that. Victims of abuse often attract situations to them where they will be further abused. Victims of abuse often become abusers themselves. It's a sad cycle. Especially if you're born into it, like I was. Like my girlfriend was. I think it's better to try and work it out in the present because if you do leave your man, without working on yourself first, you'll find yourself back in the same boat.
Please be aware that this isn't just in romantic relationships, but also friendships. I'm currently working to get out of a trauma bond with someone I've been friends with since 2015, and it hasn't been easy, especially since I feel that, if I leave them, they'll become even more depressed or worse. It isn't easy, but all we can hope to do is get out as safely as possible.
@ThatHoneyBee I ended a trauma bond friendship it is VERY difficult but 1 question helped me go through with it, because she would say she would be so depressed she wouldn’t leave bed but at the same time it was a manipulative tactic to get me to take care of her and give her what she wanted wether it was my time and I had other plans that didn’t include her or if she spent all of her money and wanted mine and that list just went on…That question was “ what the hell was she doing before she met me?!’ I had to ask myself that bcuz I took on the role as her caregiver instead of her friend and she milked it dry we met as adults I realized I had no obligation to her and that she was not my responsibility as an adult of sound body n mind (well the mind is questionable 😂) I can’t care about you more than you do so if you let yourself go and mentally spiral and decide not to get help that’s not a me problem it also shows that she’s not trying to help the situation..n e way it sucked because we were bffs old college friends and became roommates..I just prayed about it God gave me the strength one day and I just ghosted her..I mean that’s the only way to leave is block them from everything fall off of the grid I even over time deleted all of my social media and I was peaceful I did feel remorseful but prayed and did something I liked and it subsided and I would rewind all the things that I felt uncomfortable at the time but disregarded while being her friend (u know those sideye cringe moments you ignored to not hurt their feelings)that’s all the ammo u need oh and therapy you can’t save your friend that’s not your job..Also ask yourself would they do the same for me? ( put me before their mental health?) hell no is the answer truth is they wouldn’t put you before their favorite tv show.. girl you got this work on you start putting u first and setting boundaries it’s hard at first but I promise it’s the life you want
Their feelings of depression "or worse" aren't more important than your own. If they have those problems it also isn't your job to fix it or even help. I know this is easier said than done, this is coming from someone who had a trauma bond with a parent for most of their life until I made the decision to show up for myself and cut them out of my life because it was unhealthy for me and I deserve better, even if i didn't feel like I did, and you do too! You sound like a good person and you don't want to hurt others, but who's there to stop others from hurting you? Because it sounds like this person isn't and you deserve someone that sticks up for you, encourages you, loves you, shows up for you ect. I've had to learn over time to be that person for myself, to advocate for myself, it's hard and I'm not all the way there but it's so worth it! When you treat yourself with the kindness you deserve, people will follow suit and you'll find people who want to do this for you aswell! This is not to say that it's your fault that people are treating you that way (I.e you treat you bad so others do) because it's NOT your fault they treat you like that BUT when you show yourself kindness, empathy and compassion, you show others how you want to be treated and also draw in the right kind of people with the right energy for you. Sorry if this feels like I'm trying to fix you or treat you or something, I just know I could have done with someone saying these things to me when I was in the midst of my trauma bond and feeling guilty about putting myself first even remotely, nevermind making the decision to leave because it was the best thing for my health. I hope you manage to distance yourself from this person if that's what you want and/or need, and that you can find people who are kind to you, support you and who actually deserve the empathy you give to others 💖
All relationships have some aspects of trauma bond, because no one is fully healed or free from trauma. It’s just life. I would say that if you’re not prepared to walk away from a relationship that is not fulfilling or toxic then it’s definitely a sign of trauma bond. Remember, you can love someone who is not right for you. And that’s ok. Don’t fight it but think of your wellbeing. Seek a counsellor or better yet a healer. They will help you realease the childhood trauma and you will see your connection with the fresh eyes. Through growing self love you will make better choices for yourself.
A year ago, I ended a toxic friendship in which we had trauma bonded as kids. I’m still grappling with ending a 20 year friendship, but watching this video helps me understand, accept, and find strength in my decision. It was hard and I didn’t want to let her go, but I deserve better than what she gave me
Recently I ended a toxic friendship of mine too. She moved to another city since last summer and we haven't seen each other ever since. I offered to visit her twice. Last one was when I was out of the town close to her, but she refused for no reason. Obviously she didn't care about the friendship anymore and made no efforts to spend time with me. That's when I understood it was time for me to let her go. I'm proud of my decision.
I still think about my best friend. We met when we were 4 and spent our school years together. That is, until she met her boyfriend. Then, I joined the Army. Sometimes, people just move on. People change and evolve. People just do things. You know? ❤️ I tried reconnecting over several years, and it always seemed like a hassle. We had nothing in common anymore. I also kind of didn't like her personality anymore. She seemed very closed-minded, staying where she grew up, and I had gone off to see the world. It's ok to change. It's ok to stop enjoying a person's company. It's not ok to be rude about it. After years of trying, I wrote her a note. I don't think it's healthy to continue a relationship that has obviously gone past its expiration date. I also don't think it's healthy to ghost people... Which is what I felt she was doing to me. Closure is important.
This video made me cry with tears of relief because it makes so much sense. I was in a toxic abusive relationship for years and experienced all the above. I'm no saint but I certainly didn't deserve what I went through. I'm in a much better place now and use my experiences and story to help others. Thank you @Psych2Go for your videos. They've played a huge part in my healing journey 💖 Many blessings to your channel🙏🏽❤
My cousin who was basically a sister was in an abusive relationship. She tried to get out. He ended up strangling her to death. The most dangerous part of an abusive relationships is when the abused actually start to break free. Nobody knew about how abusive the relationship was until she was murdered.
People found out about me when he went to prison. I packed a Togo bag and my cat just after he left to hear the verdict. Incase he wasn't found guilty I made sure I was on my way to my sister's.
I spent 1 year and 3 months in a toxic relationship and it's been 3 years since I got rid of it and I can say that it was the best thing I did, I didn't feel sad at all in fact I felt very light, free and relieved. There are many people who report these feelings when leaving a toxic relationship. It was a short time and even then it has already caused me a huge trauma, I imagine people who spend decades suffering abuse without being able to get out.I wish you all the strength in the world to get out of this as soon as possible!
1. 0:54 the other person is outwardly charming 2. 1:28 they are emotionally unpredictable 3. 2:03 they tend to take their problems out on you 4. 2:27 they isolate you from your loved ones 5. 2:59 you deny or minimize their abusive behavior 6. 3:39 you constantly make excuses for them 7. 4:11 you’re becoming more and more emotionally numb 8. 4:47 you’re hiding aspects of your relationship from others
Yes, I agree to this. I have been to trauma bond relationship with an abuser for a decade. I myself was not sure why I couldn't leave. But I healed from all this. My healing and self-love journey was amazing and I was able to finally get free from him. My life is way more better now.
@@annu6298 In my journey of healing I realized that a lot of things helps you get yourself back. 1. Practicing self-love and gratitude 2. Taking time to do things that I enjoy or love doing at least three times a day 3. Reconnect with my own self 4. Take few minutes to spend time in solitude with myself and listen to my own thoughts 5. Identifying the toxic people in life and remove them or spend less time if they're blood relations 6. Noticing who you hang out with and have people around who actually love you for you 7. By creating healthy boundaries 8. Acknowledge the feelings you have and not bottle them up 9. Exercise daily even if you start small I'm really sure you'll get back on track. And many more... The key here is tk reconnect with self again and show compassion towards self. Then acknowledge the feelings and pain or hurt to cure it. Really have a strong mindset that, What happened is done now and wr don't have to be in that for long. We can choose how long we want to be hurt. Focusing all our energy not to fight the old but to build the new. Give yourself a chance to live your life the way you want to live. Write down the lessons the situation gave you so you would be grateful that this happened otherwise the wiser and stronger you wouldn't have happened in the first place. Turn your pain into POWER.
@@SARIYASHEIKH0 Im so happy for you and im proud of you. Thank you for sharing your list of things you do and have done to help you heal. I really am glad I read it. Abundance of peace to you. 🌸🌼🌺⚘
I broke up 6-7 months ago. Been struggling a lot in the past two months with anxienty and I don't really know if I am in a trauma bonding, but still every aspect matched what happened in the relationship and how I responded to certain things. Don't really know if I was abusive too or if we were both too broken to realize that we were hurting each other since the beginning... I feel lost and sometimes guilty, still wanting her to be by my side, but beeing with her just gives me more anxiety over time. This channel is really helping me to undertand a little more of my feelings towards that part of my life
It’s a lot more harder then people realize to leave. Especially if you have a past of abuse when your young. My father abandoned me at 12. All I wanted was approval from who I’m with. Now that I Older and realize what I was doing to myself, and forgave my father, I can see those behaviors a mile away.
I wasn't abandoned by my father, but he certainly was no saint. Not just him, but my siblings as well.. I was always looking for the approval of men when I got older and I'm glad now that both of us can see it now (: .
I was in a trauma bond for 8 years and finally escaped from their claws almost a year ago. It’s crazy how clear all of these signs are once we are away from the vicious cycle. All of these signs are so accurate and so sad to have to go through. Because WE are loyal to our abuser and no matter what they said or did, we loved them anyway. I’m glad to finally be free. Thank you for posting , this reminds me that I deserve more than I was ever given.
As someone who has been out of an incredibly abusive relationship for about three now, I can say that it gets much, much better. For those of us who believe we deserve to be abused, we need to get into therapy and do some EMDR childhood trauma healing. Heal those underlying core beliefs that allow us to subject ourselves to that kind of abuse. The worst thing my abuser did to me was to make me believe that I was the abusive one because I would sometimes get angry or lash out at the abuse or try to reason with her.
Several things from my experiences: I've always been drawn to men who thought like my first abuser; smart, analytical, unemotional. Made me an easy target. It can't be abuse if there's no yelling going on. They usually picked up on my self-doubt, made me feel that my numbness was a sign of intelligence 😂, then preyed on my lack of self-confidence. It gets confusing. Starts off with love-bombing, then ever-so-slowly that's removed. Statements like "you didn't really make that same mistake again, did you?" Laughing. "I'm not laughing at you, I'm laughing with you!" 😢it's words combined with vibes (attitude). The good news is being blessed with kind people who care enough to tell me truths and introduce me to alien thinking: "It's not funny when you joke about yourself. Please stop." I wasn't used to being encouraged and led into healthy thinking that doesn't twist into negativity and ulterior motives. How very refreshing.
I'm 3 years out and in a good, healthy, simple relationship and STILL am haunted by the things I covered up. I remember that numbness and still experience it from time to time. It's insane to realize how all of these experiences really change you.
I’m sorry you experienced that I’m a year plus In I’m also In a healthy relationship but my last relationship caused me ptsd I’m working through it I feel so much better because I got out god bless you
Full PTSD here. I closed myself off from having any form of relationships for 3 years to process. Because I pushed the decent men away for longer than that, so my dating sample was just ugh and triggering. I still hope to have a healthy relationship one day. It takes time
Videos like this are really helpful when I start to doubt myself. I got away from an abusive relationship something like a year and a half ago and sometimes I get to feeling like maybe I wronged them by walking away but seeing this, knowing that I experienced nearly all of this helps remind me that it's not just in my head. Thank you.
You didn't wrong them, you just made the best, (and healthiest) choice for yourself. I had to separate from an ex, and all of our mutual friends, just to get completely away from him. And while I felt bad about the distancing of friends, it really was the only choice. Is it ever wrong to choose happiness and peace of mind over emotional manipulation?
Watching this was like a flashback to a former version of myself who experienced this. Whoever is reading this…it’s going to be okay. Seek and get help. It’s hard to leave but you eventually do and never look back.
I think I just left one. one night she bit my arm and punched me in the face 3 times while drunk arguing. would get jealous/accuse me of flirting with her friends/other girls, was very insecure, jealous and hot tempered. her emotions changed instantly at times. she could be loving and caring then scream and yell in my face over the smallest issue. its been a hard month, and I still miss her even tho I know I know I had to break up with her. you can too guys.
Emotional numbness hits harder than anything, after getting out of the relationship, I realized just how much the image at 4:17 really does resonate with me. After all the ups and downs, you feel so emotionally detached, and at that point, I was that image, I would sit in bed with them while they tried to make me love them, although it was all a lie, they had been cheating on me, they still feigned this fake "need" for my love. I would sit there, and I would just resent what was happening, I'd feel totally un loved due to all the things that they did to me. I'm so glad I'm out now, there's so much I've gained back from myself, I will never sacrifice what I hold close to my heart, gladly I've gained who I used to be before they came into my life. Never again, I hope someone reads this with hope, it will get better, that good person will find you.
Psilocybin saved my life. I was addicted to heroin for 15 years and after Psilocybin treatment I will be 3 years clean in December. I have zero cravings. This is something that truly needs to be more broadly used in addiction treatment.
Psychedelic’s definitely have potential to deal with mental health symptoms like anxiety and depression, I would like to try them again again but it’s just so hard to source out of there.
A lot of people have testified about this and I really want to give it a shot. I put so much on my plate and it definitely affects my stress and anxiety levels
The Trips I've been having have really helped me a lot,I finally feel in control of my emotions and my future and things that used to be mundane to me now seem incredible and full of nuance on top of that I'm way less driven by my ego and I have alot more empathy as well
I’ve always felt unloveable. and I think it’s because I’ve consumed my adolescence and teenage years dealing with a trauma bond. I wanted to feel loved so badly I was willing to be used. And deep down I knew what I’d gotten myself into. I hope that I can unlearn what I’ve considered love so for long. Thank you.
depending your age you can find some people that are really wise in their way of loving . I'd say for you try to learn a bit about how are thinking manipulating people so you can better see them :)
I feel like I’m in the same position. It’s scary. And it’s hard like- they’re trying to be better. Could we work this out? Or do I have to let them go?
Thanks for this video, psych2go. It is extremely difficult to come out of a trauma bond. I feel so lucky to have come out of it after being in such a destructive relationship. I love your work. Keep doing you, team. ♥️ Take care.
I almost started crying when I saw this in my sub box. I'm just now coming to terms I'm in that situation but it's my whole family. I love them dearly with my whole being but they are equally abusive. I thought the good times, love, and support erased all possibility it was abuse. I've been putting their wellbeing and happiness on myself my whole life I don't know how to break from it or make my own decisions anymore bc I don't want to hurt them but I need to think about myself too. I hope I can reach the point of mental stability and clarity but I might have to break away from all what I knew was right and normal. Love the videos btw, stay safe guys 💙💜
Its difficult when its family or a grown child. I set boundaries and limit the time I spend with them. If I need to verbally defend myself I will say I'm not doing this and walk away. They will call you a narcissist know that this is gaslighting. They are probably the narcissist. Sending you a virtual hug.💚
I've been in a relationship in which we both were abusive to each other for years. For some periods one was more, but a mess most of the time. It's really hard to break free from a trauma bond.
This video makes me so sad. I lived through this with my ex husband. I can see my past self in this video. My heart goes out to anyone who is dealing with an abusive relationship.
These videos along with help from counselors and doctors helped me escape my abusive marriage and they are continuing to help me heal and better understand what I have gone through. Tysm for the awareness your team is bringing ❤️
I never knew this type of relationship was called trauma bonding. I just got out of one of these after decades of marriage! I disconnected from my entire family just to please this woman and it still wasn't enough. She used sleep deprivation, henpecking me to keep doing constant chores but nothing would please her. I finally left after years of physical and mental abuse nearly killed me when I blacked out and discovered my blood pressure was incredibly high. Wasted best years of my life thinking i was in love... wow! life really sucks!
Thank you so much for sharing this. I'm in such a similar position, with a kid involved, it makes the prospect of leaving so difficult... So glad to read your story and know it's possible to leave even after so long.
I just wanted you to know I understand how you feel when you say "waisting the best years of your life "on someone and mistaking some sort of codependency for love. I'm truly sorry you know what this feels like too and I hope for the both of us our best years are in the near future. Take care of yourself friend!
It's hard when we really care for someone and finding out they never did. People can be so crule. I'm glad you are free from her now. Things take time to become ourself again but eventually we can start to see the light.
Your love is precious and should be treasured regardless of who it was for. Whatever that person did, it ain't got nothing to do with you. Your love was strong and genuine, that's all that matters. If anything feel sorry for that person because they don't have the capacity to love deeply and that's just sad. I know it hurts but now you are free. You no longer have to carry the burden which is that person. You can now love more freely without the heaviness of the pain that the person put you through. Everything is a lesson for us to be the better version of ourselves. I hope you heal and know that you are not alone. There are so many ppl that love you and pray for your well being and happiness. May we all be at peace. 🙏♥️♥️♥️
You guys should check out a book called no more Mr nice guy. I notice a lot of males that find themselves in these situations are there because they have a hard time putting themselves first. I'm now learning to do this, there's so much things that I "knew" in my core. Turns out these core beliefs I hold as gospel where made by a child just coping
Timestamps / suggested chapters: Intro (0:00) 1. the other person is outwardly charming (0:55) 2. they are emotionally unpredictable (1:28) 3. they tend to take their problems out on you (2:02) 4. they isolate you from your loved ones (2:26) 5. you deny or minimize their abusive behavior (2:59) 6. you constantly make excuses for them (3:38) 7. you're becoming more and more emotionally numb (4:11) 8. you're hiding aspects of your relationship from others (4:47) Help (5:22) Outro (5:37)
I have a question. How do males and females bond with each other? I don't see how men and women can bond (especially romantically) with each other. Men and women think very differently from each other. It seems like it's impossible for men and women to emotionally connect with each other. Women do emotionally connect with other women, better than men do. Women can build incredible friendships and become very close to each other in a way men can't bond, and science shows that women can bond very well with each other. Generally, women are even more social than men are. After something bad happens, a woman quickly rushes to talk to all of her female friends to get support, whereas a man can isolate himself and grief alone. Women tend to be more emotionally intelligent, more caring, more empathic, more compassionate, more affectionate, more loyal, more nurturing, more understanding, more sympathetic, more sensitive, more kind-hearted, more peaceful, more calmer, more gentle, more expressive, more intuitive, and more outward than men are, and thus bond more with other women in a special way that they can’t with men. Men, on the other hand, are not that emotional, and thus can’t bond with other men in a special way. Women regulate emotion better. Women are more comfortable being around with other women than they are with men. They have a type of bond that usually men with women won’t really have, or with men and men. Also, girls that are friends touch each other in ways that guys just don’t.
Watching this as a person who has BPD and has been the abuser in previous relationships, it makes me want to cry. Looking back at how I was, I was so controlling and manipulative and just a terrible person. I love who I am now, but I still can't help but feel like because of my past behaviour, I really shouldn't enter another relationship. I'm terrified of it happening again.
I'm on the other side of this. Dated a person with BPD who manipulated and abused me. I watched him put holes in walls and say absolutely vile things to me while he was so kind and compassionate to everyone else. It's like everyone else mattered more than me. I think the only way for him to be in a relationship is either weekly therapy & group classes, or resign himself to the fact that he is not fit for a longterm relationship. He will probably repeat the same behavior over & over for a long time until he learns. Some people are not meant to be in those 50 year long love stories. But that's okay too. It's not for everyone. Also you're a different person ofc, just sharing my story and venting a little I think Genuinely wishing you the best. I have seen happy relationships from those with BPD so don't give up.
Thanks for your honesty. My wife is unaware of BPD and I am definitely trauma bonded with her. It hurts to be with her when she splits, but it hurts deeply to be alone and not with her. 9 years- I am not ready to give up.
@Ylva Elinsdatter but you are a different person now and acknowledge you are different. perhaps the person you were in the past shouldn’t have dated someone, sure. but why hold back this brand new person from finding their first love as themself?
To the few that realized they are guilty of doing this to their significant others, In my experience its best to just leave. Dont wait around and doubt if it would be the right thing to do, it is. Their mental health will improve and you find peace within yourself knowing that they are smiling and doing well. You can use your overzealous bonds to empower others and strengthen your community. Something in your past has made you latch on to those you love, turn this flaw into a gift. Remember the cycle of pain ends with you...
I feel myself again after 3 years of this relationship. Every time that I thought I was better and healed, I was wrong. There's so much you need to cover from your soul and it takes time. You have to be patient with yourself to get over such relationship and always know that there are soooo many nice things in the world that makes you happy.
I've had back to back trauma bonded relationships & situations for the last 4 years completely ruin my entire sense of self... it destroyed my inner faith,and the belief that anything better is out there for me, or that I would even deserve it. Don't let it get this far. Get yourself away from people, places, or things that are poisoning you . Dying inside before you eventually rot away and die on the outside isn't the way to live your life.
I work at a women’s drug and alcohol treatment center and I am definitely sharing this with them in group. 99.9% of them have had trauma bonds. Some still do while they’re trying to get sober and it makes it a million times harder for them.
Most women in drug-use, or who are being prostituted or sex-trafficked, are affected by these types of abusive relationships by the men in their lives. It's part of the societal and cultural misogyny that keeps women in exploited and systematically abused positions.
Yeah, man, show them sorrow so that they long for their drug once again - what a great idea. How about making them think different instead of rehearsing the same two roles: the victim and the criminal of the same play they lived through for years already.
I recently left a relationship like this and it is so reassuring to have this video. I even talked to my therapists about it but I feel like this video was 100% a better explanation. Thank you!
This video is very insightful to my most recent relationship. In this case I was the abusive one and never even realized it D:. The person I was with I genuinely loved and only wished the best for them when it came to their career and lofe goals. I often brought up breaking up with them whenever I felt they crossed a boundary. This I later recognized it as emotional abuse. I was also very harsh to them when it came to video games. Despite all that, this person stayed with me for 2 years. We did share many beaitiful moments together and I always treated them well in person. My online persona with them was a trauma bond though. Thank you for sharing this video. I will always continue to work on my self and be the best I can be so that this will mever happen to anyone again.
This is a great video, and especially reminder for me. I’ve been in a few relationships that fit well with these signs, one romantic but the rest being platonic. I’ve seen plenty of relationships like this secondhand as well. I find it hard sometimes to remind myself when I’m lonely that there are much better people out there and that I nor anyone deserves the kind of treatment people like this can subject you to, especially in terms of manipulation & other emotional/mental ways that can be hard to recognize. I’ll be saving this for later. Love your videos :)) 🖤🖤
i believe this kind of mentality or function stems from our primitive psyche which was made to evolve from chaotic environment like war, scarcity and tribal days. my parent's relationahip can be labeled as 'toxic' in comparison with todays ideal standard of relationship but in their eyes, its the most normal. without the infiltration of mainstream psychology movement into my mind, i would have thought the same that my origin and background is the healthy, functioning dynamic. And, i mostly spend my energy dealing with the old and the seeming 'new' because this movement is relatively relevant and useful in some sense for me.. anyhow this labeled 'toxic' pattern is still the function of the majority of the populace thats why its everywhere mostly comes from men because ultimately, its encompassed as a masculine trait to get an upperhand in intimate relationship and have the women submit .. either way, a losing game. we should contruct or conceptualize a solid pattern of whats constitute a healthy relationship and have the population abide by that...
@@danika9411 You should pray and ask God & Jesus to guide you, if you are Christian. You many need to observe how your instinct respond when in those situations. Me personally, because I had learned to dismiss my gut feelings for so long and I had to take time to reflect on my intuitive guidance.
@@cassieinspire3940 Sorry lots of abuse happened in a catholic home for children. Very abusive. I'm not religious. Every religion claims to be the true religion and their god to be the true god. I believe nothing we have here as humans is the "true" religion. We made it up to explain the world to us and why we are here. I don't mind if people are religious, but I'm from a country where religion is everyones privacy. I would appreciate it if you stop trying to sell your religion to the people. You might habe good intentions, but it is bothersome to others. Thank you!
I relate to all of them! Just found out my wife has a narcissistic behavior after being married for 10 years and we have a few children together who I absolutely love. I’m going to move out soon and get divorced, no choice. Now I went into no contact with her and I could finally think so clearly.
I recently broke off a 3 year relationship with someone I thought was "the one." After watching this video to learn what a trauma bond actually is, thinking back over many nights, and looking at screenshots of late nights... It's good to know that actual love is out there and I haven't experienced it the way I thought I had. I never realized how bad it was until after the damage had been done. Edit: When I say recently, I mean 6-7 months ago. I've had a lot of time to reflect😂
Four and a half years for me. I realized about a year after the break up that our relationship was nothing more than a trauma bond, and the realization hit me like a punch to the gut. But it was also a Relief to learn that love is real, and that relationship was real, but that the "love" in it wasn't Love or the way love is supposed to be. Love is infinitely better and healing. That shit was traumatizing. But it would be much more traumatizing to spend the rest of my life thinking this is what I can expect from "True Love relationships" and saying, "I'd rather die single if the only option is the same crap I went through with my shiddy ex." But the truth is, I haven't experienced true romantic love, just a trauma bond. That means that I can now keep my eyes peeled in the future for a relationship heading down a trauma bond way and kill it before it gets out of hand. It also opens me up to foster a genuine love relationship in the future that will be mutually healing... And the idea that I am not too broken to be unworthy of being loved is more healing than words can say. No one is too broken to be unworthy of being loved for real. And that includes me.
i was the one being abusive without truly realizing the harm i was doing. i treated my ex boyfriend just like this. we split over a year ago though. i've used this time to self-reflect, work on my self esteem, and fix myself so my next relationship can hopefully be better.
Had trauma bonds with my mother and sister. Growing up I whole-heartedly believed I deserved to be beaten for saying "no" or for having opinions. I learned to keep my mouth shut and never ask for help, express any disagreements, I even learned to stop having desires. It took me 27 years to even begin accepting that it was just all wrong. It's been a long healing process these past few years... But what breaks my heart most is seeing these exact outlined traits in someone I love dearly who doesn't seem to think that it's "all that bad" because they also grew up in a situation that "was worse." I hope that someday, somehow, I can help them recognize and accept they deserve better than that. Just like my husband and chosen family helped reassure me. Thank you for making these videos, I hope that more people stumble on them and are able to feel some sort of validation to their doubts so they can start the process of healing.
Thank you for leaving this comment. 🙏 It made me feel less alone. I'm also a survivor of child abuse (my mom almost killed me), and I ended up in a medically / sexually abusive relationship as an adult. Now I'm out of that and I've made so much progress with my self-worth and letting myself be selfish sometimes. Unfortunately though, my best friend is in an abusive marriage and I've been trying my best to support him without being dragged down with him. This kind of thing is rough. I'm glad you are taking care of yourself and your own needs and wants now. I hope things with your friend changes 🙏
Just got out of a five-year trauma bond relationship with a narcissist, it's been really hard coming to terms with the fact that they never actually loved me at all and were only using me.
I'm so sorry you had to go through that and sadly I know feeling all too well. Be patient with yourself and forgive yourself for not knowing. The way I like to see it, is that they came into our lives teaching us how to love ourselves. I'm glad you're out of it and hope you continue to have the strength to heal from this and come out even better than before. ❤
@@amyitis i agree. I feel like the relationship i was in taught me how to say NO. I felt like the word No was trapped in my throat for years. It isn't any longer
That’s exactly what I’m going through! Mine was 7 years long. It’s the realisation of the past being completely different to what I thought it was that’s been the hardest for me.
I got 8/8 from my most recent breakup. This was really an eye opener for me. Thank you so much for this video, it helped me a lot in my resolve not to go back in that toxic relationship
And now it’s incumbent upon you to not gravitate towards another similar candidate and repeat destructive patterns. We are creatures of habit and familiarity; break the cycle
@@abolisher Yep, was in a relationship with a girl who had BPD for two years. I didn't date for another 3, and met someone who also tried to trauma bond me. I tried to make it work (foolishly), but ultimately it fell thru like the other one. Sometimes I think back fondly on the good times I had with them as anyone could have bad days and consider rekindling... but these people were not one's that only had bad days. They showed glimmers of hope like the video said where they abuse you and then try and do something to make up for it; but it definitely was more abuse than good. Besides you becoming emotionally numb; you realize this person doesn't even mean their apologies or the things they say/do to mitigate the damage they've caused *so it really is all abuse* you just don't realize it at first. They're often times inflicting the same pain someone else caused them and are caught in a cycle of behavior beyond what most people or therapists can console. That being said; good on you for getting out of an emotion roller coaster of a relationship that is dating someone with BPD! Super hard thing to walk away from. Mine tried to blackmail me into staying with her saying she'd unironically accuse me of abusing her; so it was especially hard for me 💀 Edit: formatting
@@chrissoto4878 Thank You for sharing and yes it is difficult to walk away but there is healing I hardly think about her now even though this month she went on a smear campaign in attempts to make me look like a bad person after going no contact with her. She set a trap for me with her friends that’s how wicked she is but I’m doing much better since then. It shows you that she’s the one who is having problems from within.
Watching this after having experienced enough trauma is making me realize that while my ex-boyfriend wasn't abusive, our relationship was definitely toxic because of this lack of communication as well as struggling to find a balance in what both of us wanted from the relationship. There are a lot of things I know I should have done differently, but I'm not about to dwell on those things or throw pity parties. The role I played impacted just how toxic our relationship would get sometimes because I didn't know how to regulate my emotions back then. I didn't know how to take control of my ADHD symptoms. My ex now realizes that he was just as naive as I was and gave me one too many chances. As of now, however, time will tell if the two of us can heal together as just friends....
I was in a trauma bonded relationship for nearly 6 years. Almost the entirety of our relationship I was miserable, lost, emotionally numb. I became isolated from my family and my friends… I wasn’t even being myself anymore. My bf was abusive and manipulative but not in a violent way. He would use my empathy against me, guilt me in to feeling bad for him, constantly instilling the fear in my that if I ever left he would kill himself. It took my years to get out… I was codependent and I had reached the point where I thought I didn’t deserve any better than him. That’s how bad it got. If this video resonates with you in any way please seek help from your loved ones. I didn’t even have a name for the kind of relationship we had or what kind of toxicity it really was. This video gave me clarity and I know what to avoid next time. Thank you for your content 😇🙏🏻
I relate to your comment so much it feels like I wrote it myself! I was in the exact same situation for 6 years and I stayed for too long because of the fear he would kill himself. And since I've left he is very much still alive 😅 Glad to hear you got out too and hope you're doing better 😊
@@aliciacooper8662 Third one here, i was also in one for almost 6 years with a very similar type of person! i'm so glad i got out, and i'm glad you both did too!
@@razzmatazz1978 I'm glad to hear you got out and I hope you're healing from it! I'm doing so much better, and finally know what a healthy relationship looks like 🥰
I was in an abusive relationship, was abused, hit, had a stillbirth and now I think I became the manipulative one. This video tells exactly what I'm doing in relationships. I needed to see this so I can seek help
The video exactly describes how my relationship was with my narcissistic ex. It was that hardest period of my life. I'm glad I could finally get rid of him.
This video has put to words what I've been feeling these past few months. I just ended a relationship with someone who helped me grow as a person, but changed and became abusive when I was living with them. I loved them so much and really wanted to help them, snd make them happy. But nothing i did was never enough. I'm still hurt by everything that happened, but I'm trying to get on with life.
I replayed number 7, 3 times. I‘m crying, because it couldn‘t be more accurate. This is EXACTLY what I‘m going through or better said trying to come out of again.
It’s been 5 months since I got out of an abusive relationship that I just found out now it was a trauma bonding. Being with him literally gave me heartaches and I’ve never been happier since I left. If you’re currently stuck in one, just know that you’ll get the strength to leave eventually, and once you do, you’ll never look back.
The victim sometimes doesn't leave the abuser because they're afraid of what the abuser's response will be. So, they decide to not risk it and just suffer quietly. Abusive relationships are obviously complicated. There's no easy solution to them. I'd make the best of it that you can. Don't take shit from the abuser though. Call them out on their crap. Communication is very key in relationships. Many people don't understand this simple notion. Peace.
Oml this is her. This is actually her. I have her blocked on most things now, but I can’t block her on everything. She hurt me physically, emotionally, mentally.. she even got our friends to lock us in a room together and tried to kiss me despite knowing I’m aromantic. I was screaming and crying, yet they didn’t let me out. But I couldn’t leave her. This is it. This is exactly it.
@@NicoloC431 Could be better tbh. I’m used to having nightmares every night, but now, most days, they’re about her. Last night her mother was in my nightmares too. It’s awful. I hate her so much, but I miss her. And then there’s another 15 years of trauma to try to deal with, plus everyone I love either abusing me, leaving, or dying. I’m convinced the ones who haven’t done so yet are just taking their time. But yk. It’s all good 😊
@@amity9163 I hope that you cut that person out of your life for good, it will be hard but you have to learn to set hard boundaries for that person that abuse you and also set boundaries and expectations but not to high so that will not ever happen to you again, it is a process that you will have to learn as I am still learning myself... No one and I mean no one should never have to go through this it is , I cut out everyone and including family and I do not feel bad at all I am by myself learning more about abuse unhealthy ones like covert narcissist, Narcissist, Energy Vampires, Parents can be Narcissist's as well, Trauma Bond, Karmic Relationships and the list goes on... I am looking and watching TH-cam Videos on this as Churches around the world needs to Speak more about this and let others become aware of this type of abuse, Churches don't want to speak on this subject as 1. Either they are going through this in privately and are ashame to tells other's or 2. They are working with the Devil there selves because most of the times these traits of abuse are in these types of Churches that they avoid to correct.... I hope that you look at more Videos about these types of abuse because to me no one will not tell you or understand you when you speak on this matter to others and I am happy that other's on speaking on this matter everywhere and alerting other's that they are not alone there are other just like you that are going through same situation, TH-cam is a lifesaver to me even though TH-cam is Werid at times but at least you learn something new and be prepare to what is new in this world that is happening that others do not know .... May God Bless you and keep you and I pray that you are safe....
Jesus Christ, this is where I am, I’m at that emotionally detached phase, I found stuff on my other half’s phone that I thought I’d never see in a million years to say it tore me apart is a lie because it ruined me, I didn’t leave them there and then because I blamed myself I made excuses for that person, this video has been my eye opener and now I need to man up and leaver no matter how much I do love said person I need to go, thank you for posting this.
This…this really hit me. I married someone I thought I knew and over time, about two years, I’ve slowly felt every single one of these points. I’m at the point now where I am finally realizing what I’ve gotten myself into and know that it’s not going to be an easy time out but I know I need to get out. Thank you for sharing these videos because a lot of us here do need help when it comes to identifying abuse and mistreatment and without your channel, many of us would be stuck for a long time before we figured out what the hell is happening to us. From the bottom of my heart, thank you so much.
Thank you so much for this video. It enabled me to see the truth about my 8 year marriage. My husband was displaying all these qualities and control - making me feel bad about how I dressed because it would draw attention, timing how long it took me to wash up then scolding me for taking so long. He would fly into rages and broke a solid table, threw a chair across the room, threw ketchup over me, hide my phone. I always believed that it was because he was so in love with me and I'm a very vivacious, flirty person and it made him feel insecure. 6 weeks ago, he was arrested for pinning me down in the street by my collarbone and screaming at me over a message from a female friend. Please please notice these signs or at least try to grapple with the reality earlier than I did, it can rapidly escalate and they can do things that will shock you. It could save your life and your self-worth. You deserve the best, don't be afraid of what it might be like on the other side. I decided my limit and we all have one x
I hope he stays in jail for awhile. He won't play fair when he gets out. You have a right to your own future, no matter what he says or does. If he can't appreciate your vivacious personality then that's his problem, not yours, so given enough self-care and time, you'll eventually run into someone who does.
When you decide it’s time to leave: Keep notes about everything that happens on your phone - *ONLY IF* it’s 100% guaranteed that your partner will never access that. Otherwise it can be turned into an even more dangerous tool that they can use against you. Type out exactly what was said or done to you, and EXACTLY how it made you feel. Every single time. Don’t miss a time - it’s important to be able to look back and see how frequently you are upset and sad. This will help you and keep you sane when either things get temporarily better or when the partner tells you you’re crazy. Or asks you “when is the last time I did that”? To make it seem like it was in the past. No…it was last weekend, the weekend before etc etc. And when you know it’s time to start preparing to leave, you read those multiple (because there will be multiple 😑) notes over and over and you see exactly how miserable you are. You HAVE to let yourself feel the pain. You cannot numb it or else you will end up staying because that will make it more tolerable. And when you build up the strength - you leave and you never look back.
@@lacexv you’re so welcome. This worked for me better than anything else I’ve ever tried (advice, counselling etc.) People like to assume that there are no good moments in a toxic relationship. There definitely are good moments and sometimes they are even more intense than what people would experience in a normal relationship, so it can make you forget how BAD the bad times are. And then there’s our loved ones around us being concerned and telling us constantly to leave a relationship: has that ever worked for anyone? Lol Most people have to come to this conclusion themselves if they want to actually leave and not be wooed back. So I had to take matters into my own hands and heal and leave. 😩
Should've done that. My ex became abusive and rude person as soon as she grew sure I'm going to stay around. When I finally decided it's time to cut it off, the "when is the last time I did that" question was the first thing she said to her defence.
❤️8 signs it’s a trauma bond, not love❤️ 0:54 - The other person is outwardly charming 1:27 - They are emotionally unpredictable 2:04 - They tend to take their problems out on you 2:58 - You deny or minimize their abusive behavior 3:39 - You constantly make excuses for them 4:10 - You’re becoming more and more emotionally numb 4:49 - You’re hiding aspects of your relationship to others Have a nice day ❤️
Still unraveling the tangled web of my childhood with my covert narcissistic mom. Understanding the trauma bond from videos like this has helped my untangle what I've been going through my whole life. It's been... very painful, coming to terms with reality.
I broke up with my ex after they got abusive and violent whenever the switch was flipped on them. Watching this video a year later made me realize that I was indeed trapped on a trauma bond and it definitely explains why I was so tired at the end of the relationship I was so emotionally numb that I was having issues sleeping after all the abuse I took. Thank you I learned a lot today and I wish everyone who is going or went through this the best so they can survive and rebuild themselves
I have been through decades ago and learned the hard way. A relationship can be a lesson or a blessing. No matter what we all go through stumbling stones and it makes one a stronger person in the end. One must pay attention and change your mindset if negativity starts in a relationship. Never too late to learn.
Number 7 is spot on. There comes a time when you can't emotionally or psychologically take any more abuse, or you'll lose your mind for real. That turns you into a zombie that most people will end up judging you for being the way you are, instead of trying to understand why someone turns out to be like that in the first place. If you're one of those suffering from that specific trauma right now, be very careful about certain people that will make you feel guilty for being so numb and emotionally detached, even though they may even be aware of what you've been through. You'll never be too far away from your next gaslighting episode by them, for being the way that you are.
I so much agree. I was in a harmful relationship for 6 years and my ex (then, current partner) started to see how much I changed - I became silent most of the times, it was sometimes really hard to make me speak, and also I really stopped reacting at a lot of thing, sad, annoying or even just stuff that would made me happy. I saw they're dissapoyinted, they questioned why act like that etc. But it only really made it worse. And now, after we broke up its still really hard but I'm learning all over again how ANY kind of relationship should work. I'm wishing everyone here all the best, and thank you really much for this comment MindCanTroll (nice nickname haha), it made me feel better somehow
@@sparkstudies1675 Exactly. All I was thinking about was my partner and my other relationships just dissappeared. It's sad but real, even my best friend is not so close to me anymore. And yet, even if you know you will end up all alone, you have to take this step and break up when you're in this kind of relationship.
I realized that my three year long relationship with my ex girlfriend was a trauma bond instead of what I thought it was. She mentally abused me, and eventually cheated on me with a friend of ours- but I excused all of the abuse I went through bc I thought they loved me, bc that’s what they pounded into my head 🙃
Love isn't just saying "I love you"... it's in their actions.. it took me far too long to realize that and stop being bamboozled by love bombing. I finally saw it for what it was. Empty manipulation, that's all.
Dealt with all of these, but #7 is different. Instead of being emotionally numb, I had to act all cheerful and happy, like nothing was wrong in front of others. I was exhausted on the inside though and just wanted a way out
Same!! Whenever I met anyone I would very lovingly tell them how I fell in love with my person but there were no recent good moment, just how good it was in the starting. Because of this when I finally left him no one supported me everyone thought I was acting on impulse. Even my best friend left me but slowly everyone started seeing the reality. I don't blame anyone I painted our relationship like that. Maybe I didn't want to accept that someone that I loved is capable of treating me like that. I was codependent and had no boundaries. Still working on me❤
I have put off watching this video because I knew it would just confirm what I already knew. I felt it fitting to finally watch it today, on the one year anniversary of my divorce from someone I trauma bonded with. Not gonna lie…this was NOT easy to watch! Don’t get me wrong, I have done A LOT of healing since my marriage ended over 2 yrs ago; but yall did a good job calling me out on the things I did to minimize and hide the abuse. Thank you for reminding me (and everyone else) that I did not deserve to be treated like that. You are helping sooooooo many with the work you do❤❤❤❤❤
Had to pose. Tears just pouring out my eyes. You guys hit the bullseye! Right in to my heart… Hurts! But very necessary to know I was not crazy! It was not love. Thank you for all you do 🙏🏻❣️
I was in a trauma bond relationship for 2 years, i never really understood why he did the things he did to me or if i actually loved him or just felt pity. But when he started isolating me from my family and friends- that's when i knew i had to break it off and end it. It was up until i started dating someone i genuinely loved and who took care for me, did a realise it was never love in the first place. But finally seeing this video has clarified everything and effectively ticked every box. Thank you for educating us and i pray that others don't have to go through the same things i did. Because i cant image how awful the consequences could've been if it wasn't me put through something like that who managed to get out the other side. (ofc with a bit of scars and trauma but that's made ma a stronger and wiser person)
Especially number 7 got to me. The picture of those 2 laying in bed … that was my exact situation for 3 years. I could cry next to him and he’d ignore it because of his phone. This past relationship sucked the last spark out of me and I recently started to gain it back. I didn’t feel happy nor sad anymore at some point. I accepted this as my reality and always thought „it’ll get better again, it’s not as bad as I’m making it out to be, he hurt me yesterday with his actions but he did buy me my favorite snack today“. This was a cycle for such a long time …
I feel you so much on this. Especially the making up part, that he hurt you by failing to fulfill your expectations, which at some point were merely your basic needs, but then he brings you tea and this should suffice to make up for something that is so much bigger and deeper than this little gesture could ever be...
@@Daemonenkoenigin13 right??? It wasn’t a lot we asked for, but still, it was too much for them to even consider it most of the time. It’s hard at some point to be with someone you give your all to, but they just throw crumbs of attention at you to keep you around. I’ve met a guy who is the complete opposite and because I’m not used to this behavior I’m kinda overwhelmed very often. He sent me flowers via mail and I bawled my eyes out, he calls me for hours just to spend time with me, he visits me every 2nd weekend, he has plans till Christmas for us even tho we know each other for barely two months. I’ve never felt this cherished in my life and he is extremely patient with me since I have to learn to accept things/not worry (this means even more to me).
Thank you. I was in an abusive relationship for a few years. The woman was always all about herself. She never did anything to make me feel good about me. She always took her problems out on me. She always told me what was wrong with my life. For reasons I find hard to explain, it was very hard to get away from her. I believe I have now and am never going back ever. Thank you for this video.
+Psych2go *Thanks for a list of symptoms consistent with trauma bonds:* 0:54 Outward charm 1:27 Emotional unpredictability 2:03 A scapegoating complex 2:26 Isolation demands 2:59 Minimization of abuse 3:39 Constant excusing 4:10 Emergent anhedonia 4:47 Camouflaging aspects of the relationship
This is why it's so hard after the relationship is over and you're grieving. It creates complex-ptsd in a person and they struggle with prolonged grief.
Oh.. I thought It was my sensitive and self consciousness that caused me to not be able to leave others no matter what, this channel helps me realise what is wrong with my life, thank you so much, recently I’ve been able to stand up for myself more, not much but I’m trying, so thanks from the bottom of my heart ❤️
After watching this I can say I was both the abuser and victim in my last relationship. There were a lot of moments that I felt like I was just using my ex like an emotional punching bag and once I realized I was doing that I’d try to isolate myself so that I didn’t take it out on him. Eventually I went to therapy and got the help I needed. I’ll admit I also got jealous with the way he spent his time but I made a conscious effort to try to push him and I to hang out with other people. He did a lot of gaslighting and toward the end it felt like he twisted things to be my fault and would yell at me… when I was calmly trying to point out something toxic that I thought he should work on. Eventually I got to the numb part and my therapist caught on and gently steered me towards breaking up with him.
I haven't seen it talked about a lot, but sometimes abusers get invalidated on being sufferers of abuse themselves, which is really tragic. I'm glad you were able to get the help you needed and work on yourself. You don't deserve to be in a shitty situation where everything is only ever your fault, hanging by your past actions. Part of healing is respecting yourself too. I wish you, your exes and future partner well ♥️
Therapy is good but honestly you should make the decision to leave or not. What happened to my generation everyone is so weak now. I'll admit though I'm weak too. I just don't think the perfect loving relationship exists. Your gonna have forgiveness and trials in any relationship even a healthy one. Just my opinion.
Now that I think about it, that's what happened between me and my ex, he wasn't physically abusive towards me, but there were many times he got randomly pissed off with my friends and I made up excuses for those moments. I never had body image issues before him, but now I notice every single flaw with my body. But I'm working on that and I'm in a better relationship now. Here's something of note to anyone else reading this, If you think something's wrong or your getting red flags from a relationship, talk to them about it and explain your thoughts. If they ignore you or act like a dipshit, force them to listen or leave. However, it does take a lot of courage to do so and I know it's much easier said than done. Just trust yourself and your instincts to know when there's something wrong.
I didn’t know what a healthy relationship was when I started dating my first and only “real” boyfriend. He tutored me in math my senior year. I didn’t know he was grooming me. It’s been a difficult thing to come to terms with the fact that the 23 years of marriage was mostly all a trauma bond. I’m 47 and almost 2 years ago I finally left because he tried killing me. He claims it was an accident. He wanted me to stay even though he could have killed me from setting off four bug foggers inside the house while he knew I was sleeping inside. No one can set off four and let their loved one sleep inside for an hour. And be believed it was an accident. He claims it was an accident and he even raged that same day at me when I was clearly upset with him. His rage was demonstrated right in front of our daughter and she was traumatized too. Thank goodness she wasn’t home when the foggers were set off. I hope to teach my daughter and any young person I can speak to that first and foremost it’s best to love yourself first and accomplish at least one wonderful thing that you love about yourself before committing your life to someone else. So that way she and others can hold on to that accomplishment and know they can do great things and other people keeping them down is not to be accepted or tolerated.
I’m so glad you left him and you’re still with us ❤ you’re worth so much more, he’s a skidmark on humanity. Wishing you all the best, you deserve it all.
A wonderful video that I resonate with very well. Thank you. What's very important to understand here is that the abuser will often play the victim...that is everything they tell others, especially your joint friends and family (or you) is actually what they themselves are doing! Everything they rage at you, and they do rage...a lot...is them telling you who they are. Every fault you have thrown at you, every fictitious problem they accuse you of having (affairs, lies, etc), every lecture on what you should and shouldn't do, how you should and should not behave...is all them - you are a mirror for them, they do not see you when they do this, they are talking to themselves. And as they don't really feel anything but anger, jealousy and resentment - especially not empathy nor compassion - then, when you finally wake up and arm yourself with the tools to help make life with them a little more bearable; when you start the 'observe don't absorb' practice and stop reacting to their baiting...you truly see them for what they are as they practice the most violent form of communication...that of very 'painful' silence. This is a silence filled with devil-like side glances, purposeful ignorance, and things like refusing to eat food you prepare and instead preparing food only for them and washing only their dishes. You no longer exist and they pretend to be deaf even if you ask a question directly and in close proximity...and if they do answer they will not 'answer' but instead reply in monosyllables to extract the reaction of exasperation from you they desire so they can launch into another tirade. As compassionate human beings we must also remember that their demeanor comes from a place of pain and suffering, usually from a sense of abandonment, mostly always child-hood trauma/mother issues. However, that does not justify their behaviour, the voracity and cruelty of their words and actions; nor does it justify passively accepting their manipulations and passing it off as 'oh, that's just how they are'. They impregnate their trauma on to you to the point where you begin to question yourself, feel guilty etc...and if you are co-dependent, insecure or yourself a victim of abuse, they will have very well identified this right at the beginning...and that is what hurts the most when you realise how naive you were. Never ever feel ashamed to talk to someone about these kinds of behaviours...it is sadly more common than you think. Be courageous and walk away...go no-contact as much as is humanly possible in your given situation...and most of all work hard to heal (I suggest Louise Hay's 'You can heal your life' audiobook), surround yourself with loving, kind, considerate, compassionate human beings or even animals if you prefer. Reclaim your 'self' and know that you are loved. Hehe, sorry, I only meant to leave a short comment 😁🥰
It would be cool to have a video on how to handle your first healthy relationship after an abusive one just for reference
Please please please. I need this so bad
that would be so helpful
Please please please!!!
I need this badly
This would be great!
I’ve watched this so many times over the last few months. I’m in a new relationship after an abusive one. It’s such a different feeling to have someone so calm and even-mannered that I panic it’s an act. It’s so so hard not to sabotage something good by paranoia that it’s bad.
iv got a chance to move on now and i duno if i can put trust into her and she lovely i just hope i dont mess it up
Same!!! I met someone that is amazing but I am constantly afraid the other shoe is going to drop. I don't know if my heart could handle that. I hate that these relationships shake our ability to trust people so much.
Bro i know, we all can try therapy to permanently heal ourselves.
@@tonna15I'm in the same boat... My fear and paranoia have been destroying me because I genuinely don't think I could handle the heartbreak after finally getting into a healthy relationship.
Some ppl are sick and wind up dragging you in. Dont stick around.
Concise summary.
1. They are outwardly charming.
2. They are emotionally unpredictable.
3. They take their problems out on you.
4. They isolate you from other loved ones.
5. You minimize the consequences of their behavior on you.
6. You constantly make excuses for them.
7. You are becoming more emotionally detached and numb.
8. You are hiding aspects of your relationship with others. You know something is wrong.
all of them
@@mariahxsimpsonsame😢💔
This is the type of men women adore 🤣
Sadly so 😢@@makut4154
Sadly Yes😢
I was "trapped" in a trauma-bond for almost 30 years and finally filed for divorce. From the very beginning, I felt like he needed me and that I would be the one person who would be his biggest supporter. All of the signs that you mentioned in this video, I experienced. I tried to leave several times during the marriage but the "bond" was so tight. I almost lost my life (literally) and that was the beginning of the awakening. Psychological abuse is insidiously evil! Thank God that I'm out, free, healing and getting back to myself!
Could I please get your email mam?
Thank god you are alive and free we are all proud of you ❤️
I'm going through all this and can't find a way out.
I would encourage you to find support to help you navigate through this journey. I wish you the best@@marciamel6960
Ive been with my man 4 years.... now im actually scared for my safety
0:57 - The person is outwardly charming.
1:27 - They are emotionally unpredictable.
2:04 - They tend to take their problems out on you.
2:27 - They isolate you from your loved ones.
3:00 - You deny or minimize their abusive behavior.
3:41 - You constantly make excuses for them.
4:12 - You're becoming more and more emotionally numb.
4:49 - You're hiding aspects of your relationship from others.
I still recommend watching the full video.
Thank you ☺️
I was in a trauma bondage and not in a loving relationship for 9 years. 😅😔
@@AJ12Gamer Im so sorry to hear that.. i hope ur healing now ♥
Thanks.
SO MUCH
APPRECIATE Your SUMMARY
and YES AM Continuing to WATCH
Wa
This is also a good tool in teaching your children how to spot an abuser early and avoid them, or distance themselves before they are in too deep. I always tell my teenage daughter that no matter what happens to her or what she does she is always welcome home. You have to talk to your children about anything in life long before they are at an age to experience such things so that your guidance and words are in imbedded their minds before the situation presents itself.
that's great advice!
Not everybody had those kind of parents.
@@Rowenawhite they're giving general advice. They're not meant for every single case. Kids today are luckier than my generation and those who came before us, only in that you guys have the internet. You have so many tools at your disposal. I wish I had internet when I was a kid. I would've probably seen through the abuse I went through, instead of thinking it was normal. Parents definitely should teach their kids about abuse, how to spot it, and how to get out of it safely. As Psych2Go said, if you find yourself in a trauma bonded relationship, notify the proper authorities. In your case, if you're a minor with abusive parents, you can call CPS or have a trusted adult do it for you. By trusted adult, I mean a friend's parents, a relative you trust, a good neighbor, or even the police. You will be removed from your house and placed elsewhere, probably another family member, if your parents are found guilty of child abuse.
Again, OP was giving general good advice for parents. If you have abusive parents, please do what you can to legally get out of there. You deserve love, support, and guidance.
This is what I am teaching my children even though they are young they need to know, and most parents are not teaching this to kids and you see why they are emotionally detach
You are Such an amazing caring parent.
I was the abusive one and needed to be free to learn myself…sometimes justifying abuse can lead to devastating results. LET THAT PERSON GO.
Thanks for your comment it’s very brave
Im not abusive but i try to let him go and he wont leave me alone.
I really respect your ability to recognize that, admit it, and grow away from it.
@@sixteen.candles.4644 do you have an escape plan?
So stop fuvking abusing people
Can ya *do that* ?!? 😒👎🏼🥛
Put an end to a relationship like that, lasted for 2yrs... I was denying myself that was trauma bonding but now i realised it really is. and isolating was last one he did, lashes out about my family to me and telling me how they are not good for me..that was breaking point. i was losing myself and feeling anxious when i was with him. it took me 2yrs to choose myself out of this and think that i deserve better.. here i am, i did it finally. Sending strength to everyone who's going thru similar experiences, no one is worth losing yourself over.
As a male who’s dealt with this: men, it’s okay if you feel the way they’ve outlined in the video.
No you’re not weak. No, you’re not less of a man for not being willing to deal with the BS.
And yes, you ARE worth more than the relationship you’re in.
Do what’s best for you, and much love and strength to you for seeking to do better.
thank you. thank you, very much. i say the same to you, jolly
I do agree with that, a man is not weak for ending a relationship or telling a woman he's done with the bullshit (leaving) unless she changes (how she treats him, stop the psychological abuse);
the downside is though, unless a man is quote "high value' (as defined by the effinist zeitgeist), his status is percieved too low any way and he deserves to be treated like a beta as opposed to an alpha to begin with, so no matter what he does in response to abuse he is percieved as a weak man regardless; because of the ultra hypergamous culture that virtue signals that 'all men are bad and all women are always perfect angels'...
This made my chest feel light for a second.
@@EmceeMcGee I’m glad.
@@EarthenGames I felt that ❤️🩹 mine is with another man that she left me with, last year. She is having a kid with him, and she told me she loved me and that she wish the baby was mine.
I still love her, but not as much as I used to, I would never go back to that toxic relationship and I wish her the best.
I’m rooting for her from afar, I still want to see her eat, just not at my table
Trauma bonding, and Gaslighting goes hand and hand. Watch out for the psychological wars on the mind.
Omg Yyyyeeeeesssss
Gaslighting is a concept that's becoming more and more common in the workplace to keep subordinates from becoming confident and demanding more for themself and staying submissive to their superior.
It does 🙌🏽
@T E maybe but how do you know it's more common in the workplace? and what about people/employees who don't have good insight? Is the boss gaslighting or are the issues real? I mean, it may be that the boss lacks insight and has issues? not meant to be trolling, real question.
It's already happened and I realize I woke up at 37 and have no idea who I am because my main motivation in life is fear don't be like me lol
I used to think that trauma bonding was based on shared trauma, but this helped clear a lot of misconceptions around the concept. Thanks for sharing this educational video, Psych2Go! 🌙
I've always thought the same too even though I've been trauma bonded. Good info to know
it still is, I believe, because it's something that we become attracted to because it is familiar to us, we are magnets because we both come from the same trauma, thus attract those who grew up with emotionally unavailable parent(s), trying to fulfill an unmet childhood need.
Thanks for sharing! We're glad this video helped :)
How to heal from this
I’ve always thought the same wow eye opener
I’m in a trauma bond now and working on getting out. This hit me hard because it was a very hard pill to swallow and process it but this helps a ton so thank you ❤️
Me too girl! You got this very hard I understand ❤
I think I'm in one too.... and I'm scared... can someone please talk to me?
@@Nicop2227 You are not alone and I may not know your situation but what really helped me was watching a lot of videos about what trauma bonds are and I was actually prescribed Fluoxetine and Prozoin and that helped me see past my rose colored glasses. It’s completely valid to feel scared, I’m still scared myself because I have to wait to get my own place since we have an apartment together. Take baby steps, and if you still feel uncertain about things make a list of pros and cons and things will start to make sense. I couldn’t see it until I wrote it down. I hope you can find peace and can get away ❤️
@@mariahbarboni1542 thank you so much for caring. I forgot what that felt like. If you want to talk, I would really enjoy that. Thanks again for your advice. Be blessed
@@Nicop2227 Absolutely!! Always here to help. I used to be that person who would always ask why don’t they just leave? Until I got stuck in one and then I learned but it also helped me to regain my strength with research and you can do this, and don’t set a time sensitive goal but at your own pace so you can feel in control ❤️
As a male, I feel like it’s a lot harder to admit to being emotionally abused and actually finding that next step to take without hurting anyone.
100
I feel your paint right now bro. I hope you do what’s best for you
You are not alone
@@BogdanHonciuc I write about my experiences for the most part. What y'all do to temporary deal with y'alls?
@@ScraitStressinfind yourself some good people you can trust and trust you that give the comfortability to open up about it
Honestly, this might come as a shock. But I am a male partner in a relationship and I needed to hear this. Not because I’m a victim, but I see myself doing some of these things. So this was a eye opener for me, and I would definitely recommend your content and others like it to anybody else who might need it.
You are so very brave to admit this. I hope you're finding success in trying to change and I wish you healing from whatever caused you to make these mistakes.
Renews my faith to see this as a possibility. Thanks for sharing. Seems small, but is big to those of us feeling hopeless.
Gay
@@mffuniverse3806 what are u 5?
@@karateLEMON what are you? A ignorant sheep?
It's sad when it keeps happening over and over again and you start to feel like abuse is home.
Its important to work on yourself. So when abusers put on the charm in the beginning you don`t get sucked in. When you have heathy self respect, you think well of yourself and someone telling you nice things doesn`t make you a sucker. I can spot a narcissist a mile off now... when they try to chat me up they are full of compliments and I`m like yeh, I know! It doesnt make me putty in their hands anymore, because I have healthy self esteem now. :) I usually avoid them like the plague now and prefer emotional mature men who treat me as a person rather than a possession.
me with my abusive mom
@@Jo-kh1yo yea thas y being a loner is important. get to know and love yourself.
@laura I hear you and know how you feel. I get beaten up by my wife
It’s so true. The abuse is so normal to me it doesn’t even register as abuse to me anymore. It did at first, but I ignored it and eventually it became normal that it feels weird when people are nice to me. Like I don’t deserve it
I used to be the abuser, my current gf used to be the receiver of an abuser. We have an amazingly healthy relationship. I have done a lot of self work as well as her. God has been the foundation of our relationship. It’s interesting to watch our relationship blossom. But going from unhealthy to healthy is such a new scary experience.
I wish you both always be happily together forever...can you please say what self work u have done?So I can do this in my life too
So happy for you.
wow it is so amazing
Wow, that's wonderful. I'm glad to hear that everything is going well for you now.
But allow me to ask, why has God become the foundation of the new healthy relationship? Is it possible to build healthy relationships based on mutual respect if both partners are atheists?
I'm genuinely interested in hearing your opinion.
This is really wonderful to hear! I wish you all the best
Last week I did something tremendously difficult for me and ended a romantic toxic relationship. Although I felt relieved I still get remourses and sometimes wonder if I did the right thing. I really appreciated this video for helping me realize once more why I made the right decision ❤
🤗 ❤️
♥️♥️♥️
@Carlota Carneiro
You did the right thing. I’m currently coming on the brighter end of the same. Walking away is a sign of strength but it’s only the beginning. It’s normal to want to return to what was familiar , it’s okay to feel what you feel- don’t rush your healing. Embrace it!!! Sending hugs and prayers for endurance- You’re closer to the healthy and proper love of your partner who will see your value and build you up as you all journey life together. You got this! I’m proud of you 🙏🏾♥️
Me too 😢
Me too I just ended a toxic relationship, I still have feelings for him but I must move on and protect myself from this tragic relationship
This is how I used to treat my girlfriend. She's stuck with me. We've been together for five years. We both come from very abusive pasts. Hurt people hurt other people. I'm happy we've talked it out and have managed to grow together. Keep up the work.
Hi! Could you tell me a bit more about this if you want? I have a feeling my boyfriend was a trauma bond, but lately we have been talking and growing together, so I wanted to hear about your experience to see that he's not playing me..
@@hanim_s He might not realize that you feel this way. Definitely talk to him about it. It's hard to stay but harder to work it out. It's up to you what to do with that. Victims of abuse often attract situations to them where they will be further abused. Victims of abuse often become abusers themselves. It's a sad cycle. Especially if you're born into it, like I was. Like my girlfriend was. I think it's better to try and work it out in the present because if you do leave your man, without working on yourself first, you'll find yourself back in the same boat.
@@1love741 Thank you so much for this! It means a lot to me!!
Im in my 7 year relationship with my bf i think i have the same problem too.. hopefully we can all heal ❤️
@@OzcaDoondle99 wishing you the best of luck ❤
Please be aware that this isn't just in romantic relationships, but also friendships. I'm currently working to get out of a trauma bond with someone I've been friends with since 2015, and it hasn't been easy, especially since I feel that, if I leave them, they'll become even more depressed or worse. It isn't easy, but all we can hope to do is get out as safely as possible.
theres nothing romantic about trauma bonds
@ThatHoneyBee I ended a trauma bond friendship it is VERY difficult but 1 question helped me go through with it, because she would say she would be so depressed she wouldn’t leave bed but at the same time it was a manipulative tactic to get me to take care of her and give her what she wanted wether it was my time and I had other plans that didn’t include her or if she spent all of her money and wanted mine and that list just went on…That question was “ what the hell was she doing before she met me?!’ I had to ask myself that bcuz I took on the role as her caregiver instead of her friend and she milked it dry we met as adults I realized I had no obligation to her and that she was not my responsibility as an adult of sound body n mind (well the mind is questionable 😂) I can’t care about you more than you do so if you let yourself go and mentally spiral and decide not to get help that’s not a me problem it also shows that she’s not trying to help the situation..n e way it sucked because we were bffs old college friends and became roommates..I just prayed about it God gave me the strength one day and I just ghosted her..I mean that’s the only way to leave is block them from everything fall off of the grid I even over time deleted all of my social media and I was peaceful I did feel remorseful but prayed and did something I liked and it subsided and I would rewind all the things that I felt uncomfortable at the time but disregarded while being her friend (u know those sideye cringe moments you ignored to not hurt their feelings)that’s all the ammo u need oh and therapy you can’t save your friend that’s not your job..Also ask yourself would they do the same for me? ( put me before their mental health?) hell no is the answer truth is they wouldn’t put you before their favorite tv show.. girl you got this work on you start putting u first and setting boundaries it’s hard at first but I promise it’s the life you want
Yeah they make you feel like you're all they have n guilt trip you into staying.
Their feelings of depression "or worse" aren't more important than your own. If they have those problems it also isn't your job to fix it or even help. I know this is easier said than done, this is coming from someone who had a trauma bond with a parent for most of their life until I made the decision to show up for myself and cut them out of my life because it was unhealthy for me and I deserve better, even if i didn't feel like I did, and you do too!
You sound like a good person and you don't want to hurt others, but who's there to stop others from hurting you? Because it sounds like this person isn't and you deserve someone that sticks up for you, encourages you, loves you, shows up for you ect. I've had to learn over time to be that person for myself, to advocate for myself, it's hard and I'm not all the way there but it's so worth it! When you treat yourself with the kindness you deserve, people will follow suit and you'll find people who want to do this for you aswell! This is not to say that it's your fault that people are treating you that way (I.e you treat you bad so others do) because it's NOT your fault they treat you like that BUT when you show yourself kindness, empathy and compassion, you show others how you want to be treated and also draw in the right kind of people with the right energy for you.
Sorry if this feels like I'm trying to fix you or treat you or something, I just know I could have done with someone saying these things to me when I was in the midst of my trauma bond and feeling guilty about putting myself first even remotely, nevermind making the decision to leave because it was the best thing for my health. I hope you manage to distance yourself from this person if that's what you want and/or need, and that you can find people who are kind to you, support you and who actually deserve the empathy you give to others 💖
Even if they become worse, you need to save yourself.
All relationships have some aspects of trauma bond, because no one is fully healed or free from trauma. It’s just life. I would say that if you’re not prepared to walk away from a relationship that is not fulfilling or toxic then it’s definitely a sign of trauma bond. Remember, you can love someone who is not right for you. And that’s ok. Don’t fight it but think of your wellbeing. Seek a counsellor or better yet a healer. They will help you realease the childhood trauma and you will see your connection with the fresh eyes. Through growing self love you will make better choices for yourself.
A year ago, I ended a toxic friendship in which we had trauma bonded as kids. I’m still grappling with ending a 20 year friendship, but watching this video helps me understand, accept, and find strength in my decision. It was hard and I didn’t want to let her go, but I deserve better than what she gave me
Recently I ended a toxic friendship of mine too. She moved to another city since last summer and we haven't seen each other ever since. I offered to visit her twice. Last one was when I was out of the town close to her, but she refused for no reason. Obviously she didn't care about the friendship anymore and made no efforts to spend time with me. That's when I understood it was time for me to let her go. I'm proud of my decision.
I still think about my best friend. We met when we were 4 and spent our school years together. That is, until she met her boyfriend. Then, I joined the Army. Sometimes, people just move on. People change and evolve. People just do things. You know? ❤️ I tried reconnecting over several years, and it always seemed like a hassle. We had nothing in common anymore. I also kind of didn't like her personality anymore. She seemed very closed-minded, staying where she grew up, and I had gone off to see the world. It's ok to change. It's ok to stop enjoying a person's company. It's not ok to be rude about it. After years of trying, I wrote her a note. I don't think it's healthy to continue a relationship that has obviously gone past its expiration date. I also don't think it's healthy to ghost people... Which is what I felt she was doing to me. Closure is important.
This hits home for some one in my life, as well. It's painful. But ig we need to find the courage to let go. To live 🤕
Basically u love a pookie and pass up on good men in your life?
Same, I couldn't see. It had to get deeper and worse as we spent more time together as adults.
This video made me cry with tears of relief because it makes so much sense. I was in a toxic abusive relationship for years and experienced all the above.
I'm no saint but I certainly didn't deserve what I went through.
I'm in a much better place now and use my experiences and story to help others.
Thank you @Psych2Go for your videos. They've played a huge part in my healing journey 💖 Many blessings to your channel🙏🏽❤
im happy for you!!
@__naddi_ so glad ure ok now!!
I fell exactly the same way right now 😭
I hope you find real joy and true healing. You deserve to be treated well and really loved.
There are 3 sides to each story; her side, his side, and the truth.🤗
My cousin who was basically a sister was in an abusive relationship. She tried to get out. He ended up strangling her to death. The most dangerous part of an abusive relationships is when the abused actually start to break free. Nobody knew about how abusive the relationship was until she was murdered.
Sorry to hear about your cousin. This has happened too many times.
😢💔
Sadly this is a fact and the statistics back this up. 😭
People found out about me when he went to prison. I packed a Togo bag and my cat just after he left to hear the verdict. Incase he wasn't found guilty I made sure I was on my way to my sister's.
@Creative Fox what part of the story makes you think they witnessed this?
I spent 1 year and 3 months in a toxic relationship and it's been 3 years since I got rid of it and I can say that it was the best thing I did, I didn't feel sad at all in fact I felt very light, free and relieved. There are many people who report these feelings when leaving a toxic relationship. It was a short time and even then it has already caused me a huge trauma, I imagine people who spend decades suffering abuse without being able to get out.I wish you all the strength in the world to get out of this as soon as possible!
Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.
1. 0:54 the other person is outwardly charming
2. 1:28 they are emotionally unpredictable
3. 2:03 they tend to take their problems out on you
4. 2:27 they isolate you from your loved ones
5. 2:59 you deny or minimize their abusive behavior
6. 3:39 you constantly make excuses for them
7. 4:11 you’re becoming more and more emotionally numb
8. 4:47 you’re hiding aspects of your relationship from others
Yes, I agree to this. I have been to trauma bond relationship with an abuser for a decade. I myself was not sure why I couldn't leave. But I healed from all this. My healing and self-love journey was amazing and I was able to finally get free from him. My life is way more better now.
@Think Senseless Oh no I don't have those now. I worked upon everything and got help too.
How to heal ourselves
@@annu6298 In my journey of healing I realized that a lot of things helps you get yourself back.
1. Practicing self-love and gratitude
2. Taking time to do things that I enjoy or love doing at least three times a day
3. Reconnect with my own self
4. Take few minutes to spend time in solitude with myself and listen to my own thoughts
5. Identifying the toxic people in life and remove them or spend less time if they're blood relations
6. Noticing who you hang out with and have people around who actually love you for you
7. By creating healthy boundaries
8. Acknowledge the feelings you have and not bottle them up
9. Exercise daily even if you start small I'm really sure you'll get back on track.
And many more... The key here is tk reconnect with self again and show compassion towards self.
Then acknowledge the feelings and pain or hurt to cure it. Really have a strong mindset that, What happened is done now and wr don't have to be in that for long.
We can choose how long we want to be hurt. Focusing all our energy not to fight the old but to build the new.
Give yourself a chance to live your life the way you want to live. Write down the lessons the situation gave you so you would be grateful that this happened otherwise the wiser and stronger you wouldn't have happened in the first place.
Turn your pain into POWER.
@@SARIYASHEIKH0 Thank you dear ❤️❤️🥺
@@SARIYASHEIKH0 Im so happy for you and im proud of you. Thank you for sharing your list of things you do and have done to help you heal. I really am glad I read it. Abundance of peace to you. 🌸🌼🌺⚘
I broke up 6-7 months ago. Been struggling a lot in the past two months with anxienty and I don't really know if I am in a trauma bonding, but still every aspect matched what happened in the relationship and how I responded to certain things. Don't really know if I was abusive too or if we were both too broken to realize that we were hurting each other since the beginning... I feel lost and sometimes guilty, still wanting her to be by my side, but beeing with her just gives me more anxiety over time. This channel is really helping me to undertand a little more of my feelings towards that part of my life
It’s a lot more harder then people realize to leave. Especially if you have a past of abuse when your young. My father abandoned me at 12. All I wanted was approval from who I’m with. Now that I
Older and realize what I was doing to myself, and forgave my father, I can see those behaviors a mile away.
I wasn't abandoned by my father, but he certainly was no saint. Not just him, but my siblings as well.. I was always looking for the approval of men when I got older and I'm glad now that both of us can see it now (: .
How did you forgive him?
@@dariosergevna i guess letting go helps
im happy for the growth you've had
Partners that disguise themselves as some kind of parental figure are extremely dangerous.
I was in a trauma bond for 8 years and finally escaped from their claws almost a year ago. It’s crazy how clear all of these signs are once we are away from the vicious cycle. All of these signs are so accurate and so sad to have to go through. Because WE are loyal to our abuser and no matter what they said or did, we loved them anyway. I’m glad to finally be free. Thank you for posting , this reminds me that I deserve more than I was ever given.
I relate to this too.
I don't love them, however, I'm having trouble getting out due to my current finiancial situation.
I'm married to one now.
@一只没烦恼的猫咪 yes me too. This is exactly why I haven't left but I'm trying to figure something out.
How did you do it? I’m struggling
As someone who has been out of an incredibly abusive relationship for about three now, I can say that it gets much, much better. For those of us who believe we deserve to be abused, we need to get into therapy and do some EMDR childhood trauma healing. Heal those underlying core beliefs that allow us to subject ourselves to that kind of abuse.
The worst thing my abuser did to me was to make me believe that I was the abusive one because I would sometimes get angry or lash out at the abuse or try to reason with her.
Several things from my experiences: I've always been drawn to men who thought like my first abuser; smart, analytical, unemotional. Made me an easy target. It can't be abuse if there's no yelling going on. They usually picked up on my self-doubt, made me feel that my numbness was a sign of intelligence 😂, then preyed on my lack of self-confidence. It gets confusing. Starts off with love-bombing, then ever-so-slowly that's removed. Statements like "you didn't really make that same mistake again, did you?" Laughing. "I'm not laughing at you, I'm laughing with you!" 😢it's words combined with vibes (attitude). The good news is being blessed with kind people who care enough to tell me truths and introduce me to alien thinking: "It's not funny when you joke about yourself. Please stop." I wasn't used to being encouraged and led into healthy thinking that doesn't twist into negativity and ulterior motives. How very refreshing.
This one is disgustingly accurate… thank you so much 😩😩
Yall always manage to post exactly what I need when I need it
I'm 3 years out and in a good, healthy, simple relationship and STILL am haunted by the things I covered up. I remember that numbness and still experience it from time to time. It's insane to realize how all of these experiences really change you.
You may have ptsd. Look up the symptoms.
I'm sorry that you experienced that.
I’m sorry you experienced that I’m a year plus In I’m also In a healthy relationship but my last relationship caused me ptsd I’m working through it I feel so much better because I got out god bless you
Full PTSD here. I closed myself off from having any form of relationships for 3 years to process. Because I pushed the decent men away for longer than that, so my dating sample was just ugh and triggering.
I still hope to have a healthy relationship one day. It takes time
I definitely feel the numbness. Every time he abuses me. I feel nothing anymore.....
After having seizures due to abuse and all the stress and pain I can thank you for finally helping open my eyes
Videos like this are really helpful when I start to doubt myself. I got away from an abusive relationship something like a year and a half ago and sometimes I get to feeling like maybe I wronged them by walking away but seeing this, knowing that I experienced nearly all of this helps remind me that it's not just in my head. Thank you.
You didn't wrong them, you just made the best, (and healthiest) choice for yourself. I had to separate from an ex, and all of our mutual friends, just to get completely away from him. And while I felt bad about the distancing of friends, it really was the only choice. Is it ever wrong to choose happiness and peace of mind over emotional manipulation?
Watching this was like a flashback to a former version of myself who experienced this. Whoever is reading this…it’s going to be okay. Seek and get help. It’s hard to leave but you eventually do and never look back.
@@thom-2064 a situationship? What even is that lol..
I think I just left one. one night she bit my arm and punched me in the face 3 times while drunk arguing. would get jealous/accuse me of flirting with her friends/other girls, was very insecure, jealous and hot tempered. her emotions changed instantly at times. she could be loving and caring then scream and yell in my face over the smallest issue. its been a hard month, and I still miss her even tho I know I know I had to break up with her.
you can too guys.
Emotional numbness hits harder than anything, after getting out of the relationship, I realized just how much the image at 4:17 really does resonate with me. After all the ups and downs, you feel so emotionally detached, and at that point, I was that image, I would sit in bed with them while they tried to make me love them, although it was all a lie, they had been cheating on me, they still feigned this fake "need" for my love. I would sit there, and I would just resent what was happening, I'd feel totally un loved due to all the things that they did to me. I'm so glad I'm out now, there's so much I've gained back from myself, I will never sacrifice what I hold close to my heart, gladly I've gained who I used to be before they came into my life. Never again, I hope someone reads this with hope, it will get better, that good person will find you.
Thank 😢u..can’t wait to feel better again.
I needed to hear that😢
I’m so happy you got yourself back ❤
@@keithsanchez3006 How's it been thus far?
Thank you, but unfortunately I am scared to leave because I don’t think I’ve ever had a completely healthy relationship before, so I am scared..
4:17 picture was me too. If you have trouble you should look up narcissistic disorder. Just a tip that helped me.
Psilocybin saved my life. I was addicted to heroin for 15 years and after Psilocybin treatment I will be 3 years clean in December. I have zero cravings.
This is something that truly needs to be more broadly used in addiction treatment.
Psychedelic’s definitely have potential to deal with mental health symptoms like anxiety and depression, I would like to try them again again but it’s just so hard to source out of there.
A lot of people have testified about this and I really want to give it a shot. I put so much on my plate and it definitely affects my stress and anxiety levels
The Trips I've been having have really helped me a lot,I finally feel in control of my emotions and my future and things that used to be mundane to me now seem incredible and full of nuance on top of that I'm way less driven by my ego and I have alot more empathy as well
@laurapolonioli6576Is he on instagram?
depression and anxiety is like the worst disease you can get
I’ve always felt unloveable. and I think it’s because I’ve consumed my adolescence and teenage years dealing with a trauma bond. I wanted to feel loved so badly I was willing to be used. And deep down I knew what I’d gotten myself into. I hope that I can unlearn what I’ve considered love so for long. Thank you.
Good luck May, its out there waiting for you.
I'm in the same place. I literally don't know anything else and I don't know how to move on.
Jesus Christ loves you greatly! So much, He gave His life for you on the cross. John 3:16
depending your age you can find some people that are really wise in their way of loving . I'd say for you try to learn a bit about how are thinking manipulating people so you can better see them :)
I feel like I’m in the same position. It’s scary. And it’s hard like- they’re trying to be better. Could we work this out? Or do I have to let them go?
Thanks for this video, psych2go. It is extremely difficult to come out of a trauma bond. I feel so lucky to have come out of it after being in such a destructive relationship. I love your work. Keep doing you, team. ♥️ Take care.
Sorry for the late reply! Thank you so much for the donation, Nass4e. Your contribution goes back to our content.
I almost started crying when I saw this in my sub box. I'm just now coming to terms I'm in that situation but it's my whole family. I love them dearly with my whole being but they are equally abusive. I thought the good times, love, and support erased all possibility it was abuse. I've been putting their wellbeing and happiness on myself my whole life I don't know how to break from it or make my own decisions anymore bc I don't want to hurt them but I need to think about myself too.
I hope I can reach the point of mental stability and clarity but I might have to break away from all what I knew was right and normal.
Love the videos btw, stay safe guys 💙💜
Sending you strength 💕
Its difficult when its family or a grown child. I set boundaries and limit the time I spend with them. If I need to verbally defend myself I will say I'm not doing this and walk away. They will call you a narcissist know that this is gaslighting. They are probably the narcissist. Sending you a virtual hug.💚
Healing and being free 🙏
Thank you Hannah Raven and CJ
@@tottythetwink6189 My pleasure 😇
I've been in a relationship in which we both were abusive to each other for years. For some periods one was more, but a mess most of the time. It's really hard to break free from a trauma bond.
This video makes me so sad. I lived through this with my ex husband. I can see my past self in this video. My heart goes out to anyone who is dealing with an abusive relationship.
These videos along with help from counselors and doctors helped me escape my abusive marriage and they are continuing to help me heal and better understand what I have gone through. Tysm for the awareness your team is bringing ❤️
I never knew this type of relationship was called trauma bonding. I just got out of one of these after decades of marriage! I disconnected from my entire family just to please this woman and it still wasn't enough. She used sleep deprivation, henpecking me to keep doing constant chores but nothing would please her. I finally left after years of physical and mental abuse nearly killed me when I blacked out and discovered my blood pressure was incredibly high. Wasted best years of my life thinking i was in love... wow! life really sucks!
Thank you so much for sharing this. I'm in such a similar position, with a kid involved, it makes the prospect of leaving so difficult... So glad to read your story and know it's possible to leave even after so long.
I just wanted you to know I understand how you feel when you say "waisting the best years of your life "on someone and mistaking some sort of codependency for love. I'm truly sorry you know what this feels like too and I hope for the both of us our best years are in the near future. Take care of yourself friend!
It's hard when we really care for someone and finding out they never did.
People can be so crule.
I'm glad you are free from her now.
Things take time to become ourself again but eventually we can start to see the light.
Your love is precious and should be treasured regardless of who it was for. Whatever that person did, it ain't got nothing to do with you. Your love was strong and genuine, that's all that matters. If anything feel sorry for that person because they don't have the capacity to love deeply and that's just sad. I know it hurts but now you are free. You no longer have to carry the burden which is that person. You can now love more freely without the heaviness of the pain that the person put you through. Everything is a lesson for us to be the better version of ourselves. I hope you heal and know that you are not alone. There are so many ppl that love you and pray for your well being and happiness. May we all be at peace. 🙏♥️♥️♥️
You guys should check out a book called no more Mr nice guy. I notice a lot of males that find themselves in these situations are there because they have a hard time putting themselves first. I'm now learning to do this, there's so much things that I "knew" in my core. Turns out these core beliefs I hold as gospel where made by a child just coping
Timestamps / suggested chapters:
Intro (0:00)
1. the other person is outwardly charming (0:55)
2. they are emotionally unpredictable (1:28)
3. they tend to take their problems out on you (2:02)
4. they isolate you from your loved ones (2:26)
5. you deny or minimize their abusive behavior (2:59)
6. you constantly make excuses for them (3:38)
7. you're becoming more and more emotionally numb (4:11)
8. you're hiding aspects of your relationship from others (4:47)
Help (5:22)
Outro (5:37)
I have a question. How do males and females bond with each other? I don't see how men and women can bond (especially romantically) with each other. Men and women think very differently from each other. It seems like it's impossible for men and women to emotionally connect with each other.
Women do emotionally connect with other women, better than men do. Women can build incredible friendships and become very close to each other in a way men can't bond, and science shows that women can bond very well with each other. Generally, women are even more social than men are. After something bad happens, a woman quickly rushes to talk to all of her female friends to get support, whereas a man can isolate himself and grief alone.
Women tend to be more emotionally intelligent, more caring, more empathic, more compassionate, more affectionate, more loyal, more nurturing, more understanding, more sympathetic, more sensitive, more kind-hearted, more peaceful, more calmer, more gentle, more expressive, more intuitive, and more outward than men are, and thus bond more with other women in a special way that they can’t with men. Men, on the other hand, are not that emotional, and thus can’t bond with other men in a special way. Women regulate emotion better.
Women are more comfortable being around with other women than they are with men. They have a type of bond that usually men with women won’t really have, or with men and men. Also, girls that are friends touch each other in ways that guys just don’t.
Watching this as a person who has BPD and has been the abuser in previous relationships, it makes me want to cry. Looking back at how I was, I was so controlling and manipulative and just a terrible person. I love who I am now, but I still can't help but feel like because of my past behaviour, I really shouldn't enter another relationship. I'm terrified of it happening again.
I'm on the other side of this. Dated a person with BPD who manipulated and abused me. I watched him put holes in walls and say absolutely vile things to me while he was so kind and compassionate to everyone else. It's like everyone else mattered more than me.
I think the only way for him to be in a relationship is either weekly therapy & group classes, or resign himself to the fact that he is not fit for a longterm relationship. He will probably repeat the same behavior over & over for a long time until he learns.
Some people are not meant to be in those 50 year long love stories. But that's okay too. It's not for everyone.
Also you're a different person ofc, just sharing my story and venting a little I think
Genuinely wishing you the best. I have seen happy relationships from those with BPD so don't give up.
Thanks for your honesty. My wife is unaware of BPD and I am definitely trauma bonded with her. It hurts to be with her when she splits, but it hurts deeply to be alone and not with her. 9 years- I am not ready to give up.
@Ylva Elinsdatter but you are a different person now and acknowledge you are different. perhaps the person you were in the past shouldn’t have dated someone, sure. but why hold back this brand new person from finding their first love as themself?
I wish my ex was like you.
@@dnaylor20 if it’s been 9 years and if you haven’t noticed anything change then nothing will change. She has to seek it out for herself.
To the few that realized they are guilty of doing this to their significant others, In my experience its best to just leave. Dont wait around and doubt if it would be the right thing to do, it is. Their mental health will improve and you find peace within yourself knowing that they are smiling and doing well. You can use your overzealous bonds to empower others and strengthen your community. Something in your past has made you latch on to those you love, turn this flaw into a gift. Remember the cycle of pain ends with you...
I feel myself again after 3 years of this relationship. Every time that I thought I was better and healed, I was wrong. There's so much you need to cover from your soul and it takes time. You have to be patient with yourself to get over such relationship and always know that there are soooo many nice things in the world that makes you happy.
what helped you
I've had back to back trauma bonded relationships & situations for the last 4 years completely ruin my entire sense of self... it destroyed my inner faith,and the belief that anything better is out there for me, or that I would even deserve it.
Don't let it get this far.
Get yourself away from people, places, or things that are poisoning you . Dying inside before you eventually rot away and die on the outside isn't the way to live your life.
Oh now this hits home. Brings back some old memories. It's strange how we can loathe someone but cherish their memory.
I work at a women’s drug and alcohol treatment center and I am definitely sharing this with them in group. 99.9% of them have had trauma bonds. Some still do while they’re trying to get sober and it makes it a million times harder for them.
Helllllllllllll nah, those women in that treatment center are just a bunch of manipulative phone jockeyS. Hellllllllll nah!
Most women in drug-use, or who are being prostituted or sex-trafficked, are affected by these types of abusive relationships by the men in their lives. It's part of the societal and cultural misogyny that keeps women in exploited and systematically abused positions.
Yeah, man, show them sorrow so that they long for their drug once again - what a great idea. How about making them think different instead of rehearsing the same two roles: the victim and the criminal of the same play they lived through for years already.
I recently left a relationship like this and it is so reassuring to have this video. I even talked to my therapists about it but I feel like this video was 100% a better explanation. Thank you!
Therapists just ask you questions
This video is very insightful to my most recent relationship. In this case I was the abusive one and never even realized it D:. The person I was with I genuinely loved and only wished the best for them when it came to their career and lofe goals.
I often brought up breaking up with them whenever I felt they crossed a boundary. This I later recognized it as emotional abuse. I was also very harsh to them when it came to video games. Despite all that, this person stayed with me for 2 years.
We did share many beaitiful moments together and I always treated them well in person. My online persona with them was a trauma bond though. Thank you for sharing this video. I will always continue to work on my self and be the best I can be so that this will mever happen to anyone again.
This is a great video, and especially reminder for me. I’ve been in a few relationships that fit well with these signs, one romantic but the rest being platonic. I’ve seen plenty of relationships like this secondhand as well. I find it hard sometimes to remind myself when I’m lonely that there are much better people out there and that I nor anyone deserves the kind of treatment people like this can subject you to, especially in terms of manipulation & other emotional/mental ways that can be hard to recognize. I’ll be saving this for later. Love your videos :)) 🖤🖤
i believe this kind of mentality or function stems from our primitive psyche which was made to evolve from chaotic environment like war, scarcity and tribal days. my parent's relationahip can be labeled as 'toxic' in comparison with todays ideal standard of relationship but in their eyes, its the most normal. without the infiltration of mainstream psychology movement into my mind, i would have thought the same that my origin and background is the healthy, functioning dynamic. And, i mostly spend my energy dealing with the old and the seeming 'new' because this movement is relatively relevant and useful in some sense for me..
anyhow this labeled 'toxic' pattern is still the function of the majority of the populace thats why its everywhere mostly comes from men because ultimately, its encompassed as a masculine trait to get an upperhand in intimate relationship and have the women submit ..
either way, a losing game.
we should contruct or conceptualize a solid pattern of whats constitute a healthy relationship and have the population abide by that...
It sucks when you grow up with this type of people and you subconsciously learn to accept as well as cope with these types of abusive relationships.
AMEN! A lot of people don’t realize this.
I don't react to red flags like everyone else does 😭
Amen! Was my first thought as well. So glad we're here to heal together 💙💚💙
@@danika9411 You should pray and ask God & Jesus to guide you, if you are Christian. You many need to observe how your instinct respond when in those situations. Me personally, because I had learned to dismiss my gut feelings for so long and I had to take time to reflect on my intuitive guidance.
@@cassieinspire3940 Sorry lots of abuse happened in a catholic home for children. Very abusive. I'm not religious. Every religion claims to be the true religion and their god to be the true god. I believe nothing we have here as humans is the "true" religion. We made it up to explain the world to us and why we are here. I don't mind if people are religious, but I'm from a country where religion is everyones privacy. I would appreciate it if you stop trying to sell your religion to the people. You might habe good intentions, but it is bothersome to others. Thank you!
I identified with every single symptom. I broke that bond when I could take it no more. Even today, I am dealing with guilt and am not over it yet.
I relate to all of them! Just found out my wife has a narcissistic behavior after being married for 10 years and we have a few children together who I absolutely love. I’m going to move out soon and get divorced, no choice. Now I went into no contact with her and I could finally think so clearly.
I recently broke off a 3 year relationship with someone I thought was "the one." After watching this video to learn what a trauma bond actually is, thinking back over many nights, and looking at screenshots of late nights... It's good to know that actual love is out there and I haven't experienced it the way I thought I had. I never realized how bad it was until after the damage had been done.
Edit: When I say recently, I mean 6-7 months ago. I've had a lot of time to reflect😂
Four and a half years for me. I realized about a year after the break up that our relationship was nothing more than a trauma bond, and the realization hit me like a punch to the gut. But it was also a Relief to learn that love is real, and that relationship was real, but that the "love" in it wasn't Love or the way love is supposed to be. Love is infinitely better and healing. That shit was traumatizing.
But it would be much more traumatizing to spend the rest of my life thinking this is what I can expect from "True Love relationships" and saying, "I'd rather die single if the only option is the same crap I went through with my shiddy ex."
But the truth is, I haven't experienced true romantic love, just a trauma bond.
That means that I can now keep my eyes peeled in the future for a relationship heading down a trauma bond way and kill it before it gets out of hand.
It also opens me up to foster a genuine love relationship in the future that will be mutually healing... And the idea that I am not too broken to be unworthy of being loved is more healing than words can say.
No one is too broken to be unworthy of being loved for real. And that includes me.
I'm glad you've left. I hope you find a partner who values you the way you deserve.
@@SakuraMoonflower same here.. 4yrs and a half. We broke up last week
same here. still trying to figure things out i just ended it a month ago after 3 years
I just did the same thing
i was the one being abusive without truly realizing the harm i was doing. i treated my ex boyfriend just like this. we split over a year ago though. i've used this time to self-reflect, work on my self esteem, and fix myself so my next relationship can hopefully be better.
Congratulations 👏
You're amazing for that. Kudos to you for doing the hard work. I hope your next one is the best you've ever experienced.
Apologize to him.
@@bobbys1308 this was nearly two years ago, and we are not on speaking terms. besides, i already did apologize.
oops I farted ... 😁 soup 🍲 eggs and cheese 🧀 bacon 🥓 🥛 milk milk milk 🥛coffee ☕ cream 🍨 sugar and spice ❤️ 😋😁😋😋
Had trauma bonds with my mother and sister. Growing up I whole-heartedly believed I deserved to be beaten for saying "no" or for having opinions. I learned to keep my mouth shut and never ask for help, express any disagreements, I even learned to stop having desires. It took me 27 years to even begin accepting that it was just all wrong. It's been a long healing process these past few years... But what breaks my heart most is seeing these exact outlined traits in someone I love dearly who doesn't seem to think that it's "all that bad" because they also grew up in a situation that "was worse." I hope that someday, somehow, I can help them recognize and accept they deserve better than that. Just like my husband and chosen family helped reassure me.
Thank you for making these videos, I hope that more people stumble on them and are able to feel some sort of validation to their doubts so they can start the process of healing.
Your a good person. I would have probably assaulted them for that. Hope you can find peace ✌️
Thank you for leaving this comment. 🙏 It made me feel less alone. I'm also a survivor of child abuse (my mom almost killed me), and I ended up in a medically / sexually abusive relationship as an adult. Now I'm out of that and I've made so much progress with my self-worth and letting myself be selfish sometimes. Unfortunately though, my best friend is in an abusive marriage and I've been trying my best to support him without being dragged down with him. This kind of thing is rough. I'm glad you are taking care of yourself and your own needs and wants now. I hope things with your friend changes 🙏
Most needed when it was needed, whoever you are, thank youu
Just got out of a five-year trauma bond relationship with a narcissist, it's been really hard coming to terms with the fact that they never actually loved me at all and were only using me.
I'm so sorry you had to go through that and sadly I know feeling all too well. Be patient with yourself and forgive yourself for not knowing. The way I like to see it, is that they came into our lives teaching us how to love ourselves. I'm glad you're out of it and hope you continue to have the strength to heal from this and come out even better than before. ❤
😞 that is the hardest part
True love is a precious gift 😇😇
@@amyitis i agree. I feel like the relationship i was in taught me how to say NO. I felt like the word No was trapped in my throat for years. It isn't any longer
That’s exactly what I’m going through! Mine was 7 years long. It’s the realisation of the past being completely different to what I thought it was that’s been the hardest for me.
Exactly my mum's situation. She just got out of a 9 year old abusive relationship. It's important to share this. Thanks for this video!
I got 8/8 from my most recent breakup. This was really an eye opener for me. Thank you so much for this video, it helped me a lot in my resolve not to go back in that toxic relationship
Same here from A BPD GIRL NEVER AGAIN!!!
Same.
And now it’s incumbent upon you to not gravitate towards another similar candidate and repeat destructive patterns. We are creatures of habit and familiarity; break the cycle
@@abolisher Yep, was in a relationship with a girl who had BPD for two years. I didn't date for another 3, and met someone who also tried to trauma bond me. I tried to make it work (foolishly), but ultimately it fell thru like the other one.
Sometimes I think back fondly on the good times I had with them as anyone could have bad days and consider rekindling... but these people were not one's that only had bad days. They showed glimmers of hope like the video said where they abuse you and then try and do something to make up for it; but it definitely was more abuse than good. Besides you becoming emotionally numb; you realize this person doesn't even mean their apologies or the things they say/do to mitigate the damage they've caused *so it really is all abuse* you just don't realize it at first.
They're often times inflicting the same pain someone else caused them and are caught in a cycle of behavior beyond what most people or therapists can console.
That being said; good on you for getting out of an emotion roller coaster of a relationship that is dating someone with BPD! Super hard thing to walk away from. Mine tried to blackmail me into staying with her saying she'd unironically accuse me of abusing her; so it was especially hard for me 💀
Edit: formatting
@@chrissoto4878 Thank You for sharing and yes it is difficult to walk away but there is healing I hardly think about her now even though this month she went on a smear campaign in attempts to make me look like a bad person after going no contact with her. She set a trap for me with her friends that’s how wicked she is but I’m doing much better since then. It shows you that she’s the one who is having problems from within.
Watching this after having experienced enough trauma is making me realize that while my ex-boyfriend wasn't abusive, our relationship was definitely toxic because of this lack of communication as well as struggling to find a balance in what both of us wanted from the relationship. There are a lot of things I know I should have done differently, but I'm not about to dwell on those things or throw pity parties. The role I played impacted just how toxic our relationship would get sometimes because I didn't know how to regulate my emotions back then. I didn't know how to take control of my ADHD symptoms. My ex now realizes that he was just as naive as I was and gave me one too many chances. As of now, however, time will tell if the two of us can heal together as just friends....
I was in a trauma bonded relationship for nearly 6 years. Almost the entirety of our relationship I was miserable, lost, emotionally numb. I became isolated from my family and my friends… I wasn’t even being myself anymore. My bf was abusive and manipulative but not in a violent way. He would use my empathy against me, guilt me in to feeling bad for him, constantly instilling the fear in my that if I ever left he would kill himself. It took my years to get out… I was codependent and I had reached the point where I thought I didn’t deserve any better than him. That’s how bad it got. If this video resonates with you in any way please seek help from your loved ones. I didn’t even have a name for the kind of relationship we had or what kind of toxicity it really was. This video gave me clarity and I know what to avoid next time. Thank you for your content 😇🙏🏻
I relate to your comment so much it feels like I wrote it myself! I was in the exact same situation for 6 years and I stayed for too long because of the fear he would kill himself. And since I've left he is very much still alive 😅 Glad to hear you got out too and hope you're doing better 😊
@@aliciacooper8662 Third one here, i was also in one for almost 6 years with a very similar type of person! i'm so glad i got out, and i'm glad you both did too!
@@razzmatazz1978 I'm glad to hear you got out and I hope you're healing from it! I'm doing so much better, and finally know what a healthy relationship looks like 🥰
I was in an abusive relationship, was abused, hit, had a stillbirth and now I think I became the manipulative one. This video tells exactly what I'm doing in relationships. I needed to see this so I can seek help
The video exactly describes how my relationship was with my narcissistic ex. It was that hardest period of my life. I'm glad I could finally get rid of him.
This video has put to words what I've been feeling these past few months. I just ended a relationship with someone who helped me grow as a person, but changed and became abusive when I was living with them. I loved them so much and really wanted to help them, snd make them happy. But nothing i did was never enough. I'm still hurt by everything that happened, but I'm trying to get on with life.
I replayed number 7, 3 times. I‘m crying, because it couldn‘t be more accurate. This is EXACTLY what I‘m going through or better said trying to come out of again.
♥️
Same 😔 you're not alone. 🤍
It’s been 5 months since I got out of an abusive relationship that I just found out now it was a trauma bonding. Being with him literally gave me heartaches and I’ve never been happier since I left. If you’re currently stuck in one, just know that you’ll get the strength to leave eventually, and once you do, you’ll never look back.
The victim sometimes doesn't leave the abuser because they're afraid of what the abuser's response will be. So, they decide to not risk it and just suffer quietly. Abusive relationships are obviously complicated. There's no easy solution to them. I'd make the best of it that you can. Don't take shit from the abuser though. Call them out on their crap. Communication is very key in relationships. Many people don't understand this simple notion. Peace.
Well I'll say if your happy now then you did the right thing. You shouldn't stay if your miserable from being with someone.
Oml this is her. This is actually her. I have her blocked on most things now, but I can’t block her on everything.
She hurt me physically, emotionally, mentally.. she even got our friends to lock us in a room together and tried to kiss me despite knowing I’m aromantic. I was screaming and crying, yet they didn’t let me out. But I couldn’t leave her. This is it. This is exactly it.
Are you ok?
@@NicoloC431 Could be better tbh. I’m used to having nightmares every night, but now, most days, they’re about her. Last night her mother was in my nightmares too. It’s awful. I hate her so much, but I miss her. And then there’s another 15 years of trauma to try to deal with, plus everyone I love either abusing me, leaving, or dying. I’m convinced the ones who haven’t done so yet are just taking their time. But yk. It’s all good 😊
@@NicoloC431 Thank you for your kindness and concern, it’s much appreciated.
@@amity9163 I hope that you cut that person out of your life for good, it will be hard but you have to learn to set hard boundaries for that person that abuse you and also set boundaries and expectations but not to high so that will not ever happen to you again, it is a process that you will have to learn as I am still learning myself... No one and I mean no one should never have to go through this it is , I cut out everyone and including family and I do not feel bad at all I am by myself learning more about abuse unhealthy ones like covert narcissist, Narcissist, Energy Vampires, Parents can be Narcissist's as well, Trauma Bond, Karmic Relationships and the list goes on... I am looking and watching TH-cam Videos on this as Churches around the world needs to Speak more about this and let others become aware of this type of abuse, Churches don't want to speak on this subject as 1. Either they are going through this in privately and are ashame to tells other's or 2. They are working with the Devil there selves because most of the times these traits of abuse are in these types of Churches that they avoid to correct.... I hope that you look at more Videos about these types of abuse because to me no one will not tell you or understand you when you speak on this matter to others and I am happy that other's on speaking on this matter everywhere and alerting other's that they are not alone there are other just like you that are going through same situation, TH-cam is a lifesaver to me even though TH-cam is Werid at times but at least you learn something new and be prepare to what is new in this world that is happening that others do not know .... May God Bless you and keep you and I pray that you are safe....
Jesus Christ, this is where I am, I’m at that emotionally detached phase, I found stuff on my other half’s phone that I thought I’d never see in a million years to say it tore me apart is a lie because it ruined me, I didn’t leave them there and then because I blamed myself I made excuses for that person, this video has been my eye opener and now I need to man up and leaver no matter how much I do love said person I need to go, thank you for posting this.
This…this really hit me. I married someone I thought I knew and over time, about two years, I’ve slowly felt every single one of these points. I’m at the point now where I am finally realizing what I’ve gotten myself into and know that it’s not going to be an easy time out but I know I need to get out. Thank you for sharing these videos because a lot of us here do need help when it comes to identifying abuse and mistreatment and without your channel, many of us would be stuck for a long time before we figured out what the hell is happening to us. From the bottom of my heart, thank you so much.
how is it going?
Thank you so much for this video. It enabled me to see the truth about my 8 year marriage. My husband was displaying all these qualities and control - making me feel bad about how I dressed because it would draw attention, timing how long it took me to wash up then scolding me for taking so long. He would fly into rages and broke a solid table, threw a chair across the room, threw ketchup over me, hide my phone. I always believed that it was because he was so in love with me and I'm a very vivacious, flirty person and it made him feel insecure. 6 weeks ago, he was arrested for pinning me down in the street by my collarbone and screaming at me over a message from a female friend. Please please notice these signs or at least try to grapple with the reality earlier than I did, it can rapidly escalate and they can do things that will shock you. It could save your life and your self-worth. You deserve the best, don't be afraid of what it might be like on the other side. I decided my limit and we all have one x
Glad you got out of the relationship!! Stay safe!!
I hope he stays in jail for awhile. He won't play fair when he gets out. You have a right to your own future, no matter what he says or does. If he can't appreciate your vivacious personality then that's his problem, not yours, so given enough self-care and time, you'll eventually run into someone who does.
Glad you found the courage the leave that behind. I wish you well in healing.
When you decide it’s time to leave:
Keep notes about everything that happens on your phone - *ONLY IF* it’s 100% guaranteed that your partner will never access that. Otherwise it can be turned into an even more dangerous tool that they can use against you.
Type out exactly what was said or done to you, and EXACTLY how it made you feel. Every single time. Don’t miss a time - it’s important to be able to look back and see how frequently you are upset and sad. This will help you and keep you sane when either things get temporarily better or when the partner tells you you’re crazy. Or asks you “when is the last time I did that”? To make it seem like it was in the past. No…it was last weekend, the weekend before etc etc.
And when you know it’s time to start preparing to leave, you read those multiple (because there will be multiple 😑) notes over and over and you see exactly how miserable you are. You HAVE to let yourself feel the pain. You cannot numb it or else you will end up staying because that will make it more tolerable.
And when you build up the strength - you leave and you never look back.
Thank you. This is some of the best advice I have ever heard. I'm definitely going to try this. You just gave me the confidence to leave for good.
I’m happy for you, good luck!
@@LittleMissKittyx I already did it, and it worked for me! 🥰
@@lacexv you’re so welcome. This worked for me better than anything else I’ve ever tried (advice, counselling etc.) People like to assume that there are no good moments in a toxic relationship. There definitely are good moments and sometimes they are even more intense than what people would experience in a normal relationship, so it can make you forget how BAD the bad times are. And then there’s our loved ones around us being concerned and telling us constantly to leave a relationship: has that ever worked for anyone? Lol Most people have to come to this conclusion themselves if they want to actually leave and not be wooed back. So I had to take matters into my own hands and heal and leave. 😩
Should've done that. My ex became abusive and rude person as soon as she grew sure I'm going to stay around. When I finally decided it's time to cut it off, the "when is the last time I did that" question was the first thing she said to her defence.
Watching this and crying because it all hits in the feels and you won’t accept it
❤️8 signs it’s a trauma bond, not love❤️
0:54 - The other person is outwardly charming
1:27 - They are emotionally unpredictable
2:04 - They tend to take their problems out on you
2:58 - You deny or minimize their abusive behavior
3:39 - You constantly make excuses for them
4:10 - You’re becoming more and more emotionally numb
4:49 - You’re hiding aspects of your relationship to others
Have a nice day ❤️
Accepting and receiving truth .. sets us free 💫
❤
Still unraveling the tangled web of my childhood with my covert narcissistic mom. Understanding the trauma bond from videos like this has helped my untangle what I've been going through my whole life. It's been... very painful, coming to terms with reality.
Painful is an understatement! But we can do this!
I broke up with my ex after they got abusive and violent whenever the switch was flipped on them. Watching this video a year later made me realize that I was indeed trapped on a trauma bond and it definitely explains why I was so tired at the end of the relationship I was so emotionally numb that I was having issues sleeping after all the abuse I took. Thank you I learned a lot today and I wish everyone who is going or went through this the best so they can survive and rebuild themselves
I have been through decades ago and learned the hard way. A relationship can be a lesson or a blessing. No matter what we all go through stumbling stones and it makes one a stronger person in the end. One must pay attention and change your mindset if negativity starts in a relationship. Never too late to learn.
Number 7 is spot on. There comes a time when you can't emotionally or psychologically take any more abuse, or you'll lose your mind for real.
That turns you into a zombie that most people will end up judging you for being the way you are, instead of trying to understand why someone turns out to be like that in the first place. If you're one of those suffering from that specific trauma right now, be very careful about certain people that will make you feel guilty for being so numb and emotionally detached, even though they may even be aware of what you've been through.
You'll never be too far away from your next gaslighting episode by them, for being the way that you are.
I so much agree. I was in a harmful relationship for 6 years and my ex (then, current partner) started to see how much I changed - I became silent most of the times, it was sometimes really hard to make me speak, and also I really stopped reacting at a lot of thing, sad, annoying or even just stuff that would made me happy. I saw they're dissapoyinted, they questioned why act like that etc. But it only really made it worse. And now, after we broke up its still really hard but I'm learning all over again how ANY kind of relationship should work. I'm wishing everyone here all the best, and thank you really much for this comment MindCanTroll (nice nickname haha), it made me feel better somehow
It's such a terrible cycle, because it can then lead to your other relationships deteriorating too.
@@sparkstudies1675 Exactly. All I was thinking about was my partner and my other relationships just dissappeared. It's sad but real, even my best friend is not so close to me anymore. And yet, even if you know you will end up all alone, you have to take this step and break up when you're in this kind of relationship.
I realized that my three year long relationship with my ex girlfriend was a trauma bond instead of what I thought it was. She mentally abused me, and eventually cheated on me with a friend of ours- but I excused all of the abuse I went through bc I thought they loved me, bc that’s what they pounded into my head 🙃
I was in a trauma bond with my ex boyfriend.
@@rurounizomnus I wish you well, I hope you will heal. Be safe
Love isn't just saying "I love you"... it's in their actions.. it took me far too long to realize that and stop being bamboozled by love bombing. I finally saw it for what it was. Empty manipulation, that's all.
There is usually alot of gaslighting involved too
Did they have bpd
Dealt with all of these, but #7 is different. Instead of being emotionally numb, I had to act all cheerful and happy, like nothing was wrong in front of others. I was exhausted on the inside though and just wanted a way out
Same!! Whenever I met anyone I would very lovingly tell them how I fell in love with my person but there were no recent good moment, just how good it was in the starting. Because of this when I finally left him no one supported me everyone thought I was acting on impulse. Even my best friend left me but slowly everyone started seeing the reality. I don't blame anyone I painted our relationship like that. Maybe I didn't want to accept that someone that I loved is capable of treating me like that. I was codependent and had no boundaries. Still working on me❤
Im so sorry for what happened to you. I hope you are all good now. Wish you happiness
it is possible to mask emotional numbness
Yea
@@user-lr7fv6td5y can confirm, im not as numb as my old self but.... It hurt.
I have put off watching this video because I knew it would just confirm what I already knew. I felt it fitting to finally watch it today, on the one year anniversary of my divorce from someone I trauma bonded with.
Not gonna lie…this was NOT easy to watch! Don’t get me wrong, I have done A LOT of healing since my marriage ended over 2 yrs ago; but yall did a good job calling me out on the things I did to minimize and hide the abuse.
Thank you for reminding me (and everyone else) that I did not deserve to be treated like that.
You are helping sooooooo many with the work you do❤❤❤❤❤
Had to pose. Tears just pouring out my eyes. You guys hit the bullseye! Right in to my heart… Hurts! But very necessary to know I was not crazy! It was not love. Thank you for all you do 🙏🏻❣️
I was in a trauma bond relationship for 2 years, i never really understood why he did the things he did to me or if i actually loved him or just felt pity. But when he started isolating me from my family and friends- that's when i knew i had to break it off and end it. It was up until i started dating someone i genuinely loved and who took care for me, did a realise it was never love in the first place.
But finally seeing this video has clarified everything and effectively ticked every box.
Thank you for educating us and i pray that others don't have to go through the same things i did. Because i cant image how awful the consequences could've been if it wasn't me put through something like that who managed to get out the other side. (ofc with a bit of scars and trauma but that's made ma a stronger and wiser person)
Especially number 7 got to me. The picture of those 2 laying in bed … that was my exact situation for 3 years. I could cry next to him and he’d ignore it because of his phone. This past relationship sucked the last spark out of me and I recently started to gain it back. I didn’t feel happy nor sad anymore at some point. I accepted this as my reality and always thought „it’ll get better again, it’s not as bad as I’m making it out to be, he hurt me yesterday with his actions but he did buy me my favorite snack today“. This was a cycle for such a long time …
Yess!!! Couldn't have said it better!!
I feel you so much on this. Especially the making up part, that he hurt you by failing to fulfill your expectations, which at some point were merely your basic needs, but then he brings you tea and this should suffice to make up for something that is so much bigger and deeper than this little gesture could ever be...
@@Daemonenkoenigin13 right??? It wasn’t a lot we asked for, but still, it was too much for them to even consider it most of the time. It’s hard at some point to be with someone you give your all to, but they just throw crumbs of attention at you to keep you around.
I’ve met a guy who is the complete opposite and because I’m not used to this behavior I’m kinda overwhelmed very often. He sent me flowers via mail and I bawled my eyes out, he calls me for hours just to spend time with me, he visits me every 2nd weekend, he has plans till Christmas for us even tho we know each other for barely two months. I’ve never felt this cherished in my life and he is extremely patient with me since I have to learn to accept things/not worry (this means even more to me).
I feel like we are deceiving ourselves into believing this isn’t like this in all relationships because that’s all I see in real life and tv.
I will beat my head against a wall and go crazy wondering why someone doesn't love me instead of just spending time finding someone that will love me
Thank you. I was in an abusive relationship for a few years. The woman was always all about herself. She never did anything to make me feel good about me. She always took her problems out on me. She always told me what was wrong with my life. For reasons I find hard to explain, it was very hard to get away from her. I believe I have now and am never going back ever. Thank you for this video.
+Psych2go *Thanks for a list of symptoms consistent with trauma bonds:*
0:54 Outward charm
1:27 Emotional unpredictability
2:03 A scapegoating complex
2:26 Isolation demands
2:59 Minimization of abuse
3:39 Constant excusing
4:10 Emergent anhedonia
4:47 Camouflaging aspects of the relationship
This is why it's so hard after the relationship is over and you're grieving. It creates complex-ptsd in a person and they struggle with prolonged grief.
Interestingly enough, I think someone with c-ptsd could potentially create a trauma bond in somebody else...
Aside from that though, I hope your healing journey is going as well as it could go.
Oh.. I thought It was my sensitive and self consciousness that caused me to not be able to leave others no matter what, this channel helps me realise what is wrong with my life, thank you so much, recently I’ve been able to stand up for myself more, not much but I’m trying, so thanks from the bottom of my heart ❤️
This is what both of my parents are like. They try to isolate me from each other so I end up feeling unloved by both and isolated in general
After watching this I can say I was both the abuser and victim in my last relationship. There were a lot of moments that I felt like I was just using my ex like an emotional punching bag and once I realized I was doing that I’d try to isolate myself so that I didn’t take it out on him. Eventually I went to therapy and got the help I needed. I’ll admit I also got jealous with the way he spent his time but I made a conscious effort to try to push him and I to hang out with other people. He did a lot of gaslighting and toward the end it felt like he twisted things to be my fault and would yell at me… when I was calmly trying to point out something toxic that I thought he should work on. Eventually I got to the numb part and my therapist caught on and gently steered me towards breaking up with him.
I haven't seen it talked about a lot, but sometimes abusers get invalidated on being sufferers of abuse themselves, which is really tragic. I'm glad you were able to get the help you needed and work on yourself. You don't deserve to be in a shitty situation where everything is only ever your fault, hanging by your past actions. Part of healing is respecting yourself too. I wish you, your exes and future partner well ♥️
I had basically the same thing! I hope Ure better now (:
I had basically the same thing! I hope Ure better now (:
Therapy is good but honestly you should make the decision to leave or not. What happened to my generation everyone is so weak now. I'll admit though I'm weak too. I just don't think the perfect loving relationship exists. Your gonna have forgiveness and trials in any relationship even a healthy one. Just my opinion.
Abuser and victim? Take off those rose colored glasses and you'll see that you were only 1 of the 2
Now that I think about it, that's what happened between me and my ex, he wasn't physically abusive towards me, but there were many times he got randomly pissed off with my friends and I made up excuses for those moments. I never had body image issues before him, but now I notice every single flaw with my body. But I'm working on that and I'm in a better relationship now.
Here's something of note to anyone else reading this, If you think something's wrong or your getting red flags from a relationship, talk to them about it and explain your thoughts. If they ignore you or act like a dipshit, force them to listen or leave. However, it does take a lot of courage to do so and I know it's much easier said than done. Just trust yourself and your instincts to know when there's something wrong.
I didn’t know what a healthy relationship was when I started dating my first and only “real” boyfriend. He tutored me in math my senior year. I didn’t know he was grooming me. It’s been a difficult thing to come to terms with the fact that the 23 years of marriage was mostly all a trauma bond. I’m 47 and almost 2 years ago I finally left because he tried killing me. He claims it was an accident. He wanted me to stay even though he could have killed me from setting off four bug foggers inside the house while he knew I was sleeping inside. No one can set off four and let their loved one sleep inside for an hour. And be believed it was an accident. He claims it was an accident and he even raged that same day at me when I was clearly upset with him. His rage was demonstrated right in front of our daughter and she was traumatized too. Thank goodness she wasn’t home when the foggers were set off.
I hope to teach my daughter and any young person I can speak to that first and foremost it’s best to love yourself first and accomplish at least one wonderful thing that you love about yourself before committing your life to someone else. So that way she and others can hold on to that accomplishment and know they can do great things and other people keeping them down is not to be accepted or tolerated.
That's a wonderful and thoughtful lesson. Thank you so much for sharing your thought. I hope nothing but the best for you and your daughter.
I am so happy you got out okay. I wish the best and healthy life for you and your daughter.
I’m so glad you left him and you’re still with us ❤ you’re worth so much more, he’s a skidmark on humanity. Wishing you all the best, you deserve it all.
Thank you for your story. It’s been 4 years I don’t want to wake up one day and it’s been 20 years of this bs .
That's terrifying, in glad you were able to leave. You can't live with someone who does that
A wonderful video that I resonate with very well. Thank you. What's very important to understand here is that the abuser will often play the victim...that is everything they tell others, especially your joint friends and family (or you) is actually what they themselves are doing! Everything they rage at you, and they do rage...a lot...is them telling you who they are. Every fault you have thrown at you, every fictitious problem they accuse you of having (affairs, lies, etc), every lecture on what you should and shouldn't do, how you should and should not behave...is all them - you are a mirror for them, they do not see you when they do this, they are talking to themselves. And as they don't really feel anything but anger, jealousy and resentment - especially not empathy nor compassion - then, when you finally wake up and arm yourself with the tools to help make life with them a little more bearable; when you start the 'observe don't absorb' practice and stop reacting to their baiting...you truly see them for what they are as they practice the most violent form of communication...that of very 'painful' silence. This is a silence filled with devil-like side glances, purposeful ignorance, and things like refusing to eat food you prepare and instead preparing food only for them and washing only their dishes. You no longer exist and they pretend to be deaf even if you ask a question directly and in close proximity...and if they do answer they will not 'answer' but instead reply in monosyllables to extract the reaction of exasperation from you they desire so they can launch into another tirade. As compassionate human beings we must also remember that their demeanor comes from a place of pain and suffering, usually from a sense of abandonment, mostly always child-hood trauma/mother issues. However, that does not justify their behaviour, the voracity and cruelty of their words and actions; nor does it justify passively accepting their manipulations and passing it off as 'oh, that's just how they are'. They impregnate their trauma on to you to the point where you begin to question yourself, feel guilty etc...and if you are co-dependent, insecure or yourself a victim of abuse, they will have very well identified this right at the beginning...and that is what hurts the most when you realise how naive you were. Never ever feel ashamed to talk to someone about these kinds of behaviours...it is sadly more common than you think. Be courageous and walk away...go no-contact as much as is humanly possible in your given situation...and most of all work hard to heal (I suggest Louise Hay's 'You can heal your life' audiobook), surround yourself with loving, kind, considerate, compassionate human beings or even animals if you prefer. Reclaim your 'self' and know that you are loved.
Hehe, sorry, I only meant to leave a short comment 😁🥰