it's been 3 years already?? that's awesome! I'm so happy for you, you sound like you're doing so well! thank you for checking in and giving us a bit of an update as well as answer some questions. I hope life continues to get better for you and that every day is a blessing
It’s on a bit of a continuum so it’s hard to place things exactly! But I use having my youngest and remembering I’d recovered (but I was still awaiting if my symptoms were still present/unsure!) before becoming pregnant with my youngest - she’s 2.5 now 😄 but there’s no clear date if that makes sense where I went like yep I’m 100% not DID today 🙈
It's so wild to me that you can hear everyone's voices in one voice; aka 'your' voice. Jess's voice sounded different when each alter was still their own voice/person and now that everyone is fused, you can really hear pieces of everyone's accent, dialect and tone in this final voice :)
Holy crap. So it's not just me? I noticed the lows in her voice and was shocked, then thought, "Oh, must be from the fusing/integrating/whatever." It's fascinating.
really gives me hope that having/dealing with DID won't always be so. yknow. awful. thanks for all the help over the last 8 years since i started watching!
Can't lie, I'm a wee bit jealous 😂 But far more than that, I am so so so happy for you!!!!!! Congrats, well done you for all of the HARD work you put in to get here, and wishing you all the health and happiness from here on out!
It’s such a tough pill to swallow! So many of us with trauma I think would just give so much to feel saved… it’s the grief knowing the only person who can ultimately save you is yourself and that no magic is going to take it away… 🩷
@@MultiplicityAndMe absolutely! and it is so necessary to be angry/sad/etc about it because it’s not fair! once I was able to do that and validate myself, it seemed like magic how much I was able to grow and find more peace. that’s what I meant by magic :) so glad you are doing well lots of love!
I really relate to having to accept that you need to "save" yourself. When my BPD was at it's worst (the WORST emotional pain I've ever felt), I wanted MH services to save me, but they couldn't. Even when I threatened sui, they didn't really do much. I had to choose saving myself and i had to choose recovery. For a long time, I didn't want to choose recovery (I think because I was fearful of what that would look like/feel like), but when I did finally accept it and choose my recovery, through DBT, I found that most of my BPD symptoms disappeared or lessened in severity. It was SO scary, and even tho I've still had a few hiccups here and there, it's been almost 6 months in what I would consider remission!
I felt this so much when you described it 🥺 I’m so sorry you know this pain too 🩷 but I’m so glad it’s been ultimately healing for you. It’s so hard to realise. But it really does help us make huge strides. Good luck with your remission! ❤️🩹
I had a similar although less severe journey; my resistance to healing was the fear of losing my therapist. I had to be willing to take care of myself.
We have BPD too and they’ve abandoned us. Won’t even see us now. Lots of stigma at the one I have to see if I want help because they are so stigmatising to BPD patients
I also became more stable in my BPD with DBT therapy 15 years ago, but they never finished the job and all my other problems are still here. I have been screaming at the psychiatry for decades to help me, but they don't due to underfunding in my country. I have done as much as I can myself, I have hardly any behavioural issues anymore. But I feel horrible SO often, mood swings, depressed and super tired, and I can't make it go away on my own. I just started DBT again, but they've cut the treatment time in half, so we only get one year. I need way more therapy than one year. I have so many problems and diagnoses and no one seems to want to help me, either because I'm too complicated and they refuse to see me, or because they think I'm lying about how I bad it is since I "look" normal and articulate myself. I'm sorry if I'm ranting, I just think it's important to not put all the responsibility on the patient to get well, when the psychiatry won't do their part. I'd do all the work I possibly could, I'm prepared to work hard, if I had been given a long, consistent therapy contact. Which I am never offered. One year of DBT feels like nothing, I just feel stressed. I've carried my trauma for 20 years and that's only one out of 10 other huge problems I have. I hate that my health would be better if they psychiatry did their job better. I hate being dependant on an abusive, non-functional health care.
Although I believe this is what you actually meant- If something traumatic ever happened, don't wait until symptoms appear, get back to the clinic straight away to address the trauma and to hopefully prevent any symptoms from ever coming up. Even without DID symptoms, we all benefit from therapy after any trauma. I'm really happy for you and proud of how far you've come!
Watching your post-DID videos gives us a lot of hope. We're incredibly lucky in the amount of time and flexibility we have in which to focus on healing and yet it feels like it's taking forever and there's always more stuff we didn't know about that floats to the top. I think that imagining having a life not constantly dictated by trauma is a relatively new idea for us. Also your return to working in therapy gives us hope because it's been a dream of ours to be a therapist and we've had lots of people (mental health professionals included) tell us we'd be great at it. But of course, there is so much healing that we need to do before we could even attempt it. One of the helpful tools our (DID specialist) therapist has been using with us is, when a big emotion comes up, stop asking "What's wrong?" and start asking, "Who is feeling it?" This encourages the collaboration and connection to other parts instead of trying to fix and get rid of the feeling. We've also had a lot of success in holding system meetings as smaller teams instead of all 36 of us at the same time. The teams format has made it much easier for two or three folks to decide to collaborate on something together and more and more, we're trying to ensure that everyone has someone to connect with and spend time with rather than defaulting to being alone in the inner world.
Our psych meds make it incredibly difficult to know who is around. I don't see/hear/read about many people talking about this. Sometimes, we know who it is, but they aren't named. But we integrate and split, shifting over time... Some remain very constant while others don't. Sorry for all that info... Your saying that made me wish that, sometimes, we could know more, understand more. But not always being a switchy mess is nice, too.
Jess, I’ve been watching your videos for a while now, and you’ve helped teach me things about my own mental health - even if I’m someone without DID. I just want to thank you, and tell you that I’m really proud of you and your journey. Cheers.
I and we are so happy that you're thriving after final fusion! Hearing that you no longer experience PTSD symptoms gives us hope that we can heal from our past. We hope you continue making videos, Jess! 🥰🤟💜
I'm so happy you touched on trauma and asexuality - it reminded me of this wonderful statement I heard a little back that: And even if my trauma caused or contributed to my asexuality, that does not invalidate it one tiny bit! :) Just a reminder to anyone who finds it helpful.
I used to have the same fear around my depression, that if it ever came back, I wouldn’t be able to cope. But what my therapist told me really stuck with me, that Because I know what rock bottom feels like, and because I was able to use the few resources I had then to heal, now that I have all these new resources, experience and knowledge, I would never fall back again. I would like to believe the same applies to your DID
I also use the phrase “it’s okay”. It is my short cut to self compassion which has been the single most important aspect of my mental health recovery. 😊
@@ameliab324yes me too how true! We have to reframe the situation which is what the phrase is meant to do it’s like letting ourselves know that the opposite of what we feel is true. Most of the time the truth is we are actually ok; we are not being threatened or attacked it only feels that way.
You do seem just a lot more at ease, which is just fantastic. It amazes me how the brain can create this intricate flowering piece of people within itself to deal with trauma and then once it has dealt with it (in the best way it can) it can come together and create this fullness. Absolutely wild :)
@@MultiplicityAndMe I'm really interested to know how this effects your Inner World. Obviously you don't switch and aren't co-conscious anymore but is the inner world gone? The concept is wild to me like your brain can essentially generate this place and more consciousnesses that then go to said place when not actively in control of the body
@@aaronwilder2775totally gone! The inner world started vanishing a good 6 months before the DID went - I think as I didn’t need to rely on dissociation to cope as much, it just became a bit redundant until my brain stopped accessing it entirely!
@@MultiplicityAndMe absolutely wild, now this is on a similar page but perhaps slightly off topic but idk if this is exactly the same mechanism but this ability to go to this place inside the mind I feel would be like lucid dreaming.
Hearing you say that as a trauma survivor you can be frightened of the consequences of holding yourself accountable has really reframed that for me. I didn't realise it was a possibility that the very self parenting behaviours I am trying to use on myself might actually be a trigger, and to be honest that makes a LOT of sense to me! Will have to ruminate on this more but it's striking me as an important aspect of recovery. Many thanks for sharing ❤
I am just so happy to see you in a good place. I hope you keep posting, even if it's just a day in your life and not about DID. Sending you positive vibes, you are such a beautiful human.
Your journey is so relatable, hopeful and encouraging! Your channel is of the reasons I finally got diagnosed many years ago (and now I'm a trauma informed psychologist!). I am currently in the process of fusion, though it's been tough and painful, the silence and peace sometimes feels lonely when I have to deal with things on my own without escape. I'm not pursuing fusion, just accepting that it's happening and letting myself feel and mourn, it's painful, but not unbearable anymore, and I know I can do this without splitting further.
I’ve been watching your videos for probably 10 years and in the last 4 I’ve (finally) been diagnosed with cptsd and a dissociative disorder and done so much therapy and now feel like i’m in an immensely positive forward-motion stage of recovery. and like. oh my god. jess. the thing about waking up one day and no longer feeing hypervigilant-it’s such a surreal experience and it was super helpful for me to hear it put into words. i really truly wish it for everyone who’s experienced hypervigilance bc i didn’t know how bad it was til it was gone and my brain was able to fully focus on things for the first time in ??? everything you said about being able to trust your own short term memory also really resonated for me!! it’s so huge!! it’s so wild!! i used to call mine colander brain but now its actually a bowl and it DOES hold things again 🎉🎉🎉
This internet stranger is so very proud of you. This is an incredible life achievement. The day we've reached a sustained period of no more hyper-vigilance is a day we'll celebrate.
I never actually thought about the fact that somebody could essentially recover from DID. It makes sense though - a mirror, once shattered, will always be shattered but once all the pieces are put together you have a full mirror again, just one that is made up of individual shards instead of essentially one big shard. That's the best way in my head that I can understand it as someone who doesn't have DID.
I can't put enough ❤❤ to express how happy i am for you! I have BPD and I've learned so much about trauma recovery from your channel. I also just got diagnosed with Autism, ADHD, Tourette's, Dyslexia, dyscalculia, complex PTSD.... all on top of parenting teenagers with autism, ADHD and PTSD. I'm finally learning to parent myself in a kind loving manner.
This may be super parasocial lol, but I am SO SO proud of you! I started watching like all the way back in the beginning of your channel and the progress you've made is just phenomenal. As someone with CPTSD I feel somewhat of a kinship with the DID/OSDD community. I started watching bc I just found multiplicity super fascinating, but later I started to realize my own traumas, and I saw so many parallels to what I was also experiencing. Your recovery journey as well as some other systems journeys who were part of the "OG" DID youtube group gives me so much hope for my own recovery, we got this!
I don't have DID but I do have Depersonalization Disorder 8+ years now and I want to say that you and your system and your story have been a massive inspiration and I've been fortunate to have been on this journey with you! Been following you for years now and it's incredible to see how things have changed and where you are now! I'm slowly recovering as well and it's like I'm stepping back into life! Wish you all the best 💜💜
it feels so supportive to hear from you post-fusion. We are doing phase 2 work now and it already shows that it is moving parts closer together in a significant way. Like this is the missing piece and in some areas the barriers start to resolve themselves. We have known that we wanted final fusion for several years (ever since a super positiv blending experience) and now it looks so promising... we will get there. We have moments with a heart rate in the 70s already... What sticks out to me is the willingness to be your own therapist. We've been on our own for so long that we had to do that and take care of a lot of things ourselves. Nobody was coming to save us... and it makes such a big difference now, even in the processing phase. It just gets so much easier when we have worked out how to help each other and regulate ourselves together. Its just very very encouraging for us to hear from you and to see how much more settled you seem.
So happy for you and thank you for sharing 💖 I don't have DID but I do deal with trauma and other mental health issues, your videos have been hugely helpful in understanding why my brain does what it does. Thank you for being a wonderful resource in the community ☺️💗💗💗
the part about having to be your own therapist is so relatable to me. personally i don't have DID but struggle with BPD and am currently nearing the end of a three month DBT program at a clinic and the whole "taking responsibility for yourself" thing is soooo scary. and i get the mourning too, i think deep down one just thinks, "the trauma already happened to me against my will, so why do i have to clean it up myself? why can't someone just swoop in and save me?"--even if those aren't conscious thoughts... anyway this video is so inspiring. it's a hard road but it's uplifting to see others working on themselves and trying to change their life. all the best to you. i hope one day i too will feel i have reached a higher quality of life, i feel like most of the time i'm still just...suffering...trapped in painful feelings i can't control.
I'm so happy for you! And thank you for updating us and giving us more info on what recovery entails. Thank you for helping my DID partner in so many ways you don't even know about, thank you for helping to educate me (via your videos) so I could better support and understand them, and thank you for also educating me so that I could discover my own system (last year) and finally get specialized treatment I didn't know I needed (a week from today). Wish me luck.
Thank you SO much for sharing all of this. I am in tears here as the video comes to an end. Thank you for including the step of mourning someone coming to rescue and coming to terms with having to be that person for yourself. I don’t know if this is similar for lots of people? But it’s what I am finding, and it is a really fricken hard step to deal with. I think even more so because so much of “escaping” was in my head and so you have this kinda wish for someone to come and because most of it happens when you’re just a kid….. you get what I mean. Thank you for sharing this. I am beyond flipping happy for you! So flipping happy! I want to wake up one day, however it works for me, and find out what no hypervigilence feels like. I want to know what it’s like to live without actively hating yourself every minute. What it’s like to trust myself and have some things I know for sure about myself. Listening to you in this video was beautiful. Thank you. From another Jess in Australia.
I watched your videos years ago and this popped up today. I remember being amazed at how well you seemed to deal with having DID and coping with life. Having now watched this video, I realise I couldn’t have been more wrong. The change is astounding! You seem so much happier, relaxed and just, I dunno, content and at peace. I’m just a stranger on the internet, but for what it’s worth, I couldn’t be more thrilled for you and your family. How wonderful to be present at all times to be with your children. I imagine it makes you a fantastic parent, as you sound like you don’t take those moments for granted. I’m so happy I got to see this video and wish you the absolute best in your future 🤗🇦🇺
Thank you so much for helping bring awareness to a disorder like this. I had no idea this even existed until I saw your videos and realized the brain is so much more complex than I could have ever imagined! As someone dealing with my own mental health and trying to explore my brain, your videos have helped immensely. And I am so glad you are doing well in recovery!! I know this is something you have worked diligently for a very long time for ❤ thank you so much for all you've done and I am so happy you are enjoying your new stage of life ❤
it's wonderful to see you again! you look well and happy and i'm very glad you've come so far! I don't have DID but I somehow discovered your channel 6 or 7 years ago and followed out of curiosity and generally wanting to educate myself about the disorder and people living with it. Following your journey and seeing you now is amazing and I hope you're proud of everything you've accomplished :) PS - yay fellow asexual! glad you feel comfortable with the term, don't forget that it's a spectrum and there's many ways one experiences asexuality 🖤🩶🤍💜
My doctor calls it integration. I worked hard in therapy to get there. I’m in the same boat. I’m so proud to have watched your videos and found comfort in knowing I wasn’t alone. Now being recovered and seeing you’re doing the same, is amazing. I’m so proud of us. :)
JESS! This update... my heart is bursting with JOY for you. And I personally needed to hear this. I'm experiencing this phenomenon with my steroid tapering (taking it for my autoimmune) where my hypervigilance and panic attacks have come back full force after remission. It's waking up daily with my heart rate at 99-107, being so anxious I couldn''t think or do things, and the paranoia that I'm dying -- it's been absolute hell and hearing you say that when you had DID, it was similar to that, oh my god... You suffered so much. I am currently in treatment but still waiting for the escitalopram to kick in. The other day, I had a very bad panic attack and met a nurse who actually knew how to help me. Hearing you and seeing how well you're doing gives me hope that I'll experience equilibrium one day. I just need to keep on going. Also regarding memory... Oh my god. I'm the same way! Though I do have ADHD. I doubt my memories as I have recalled false memories or heavily altered memories. I'm still navigating my way around this but I'm starting psychotherapy soon so I am hopeful. I'm so proud of you and happy for you. Sending so much love from the Philippines!
I have three ppl in my life whom I've never known personally, but they had a big impact on my life: Stephanie Coral Browitt, Niki Lauda and Jess 💓 I wish you only the best.
I cannot believe I have followed you for as many years as I have. I became obsessed with DID over a decade ago when I realized how lucky I was when it didn’t develop in me. I remember going elsewhere in my brain when I was little and being hit by my mother, and “big me” protecting little me. Years later, someone told me that’s how people split. I do disassociate, but only depersonalization. I’m glad you’re doing well, Jess. We can all heal some of our childhood trauma if we do the work 🤍
You have inspired us to have a different perspective on fusion because it always seemed a bit scary but seeing your journey has been very eye opening. Thank you for the update and for sharing your experience!!
Showing all the parts compassion and validating their feelings (esp. trauma holders) has helped us make big leaps forward. That all started when your video about persecutor-protectors planted a seed of collaboration and compassion in us ❤ That combined with learning how to grieve, and to sit in difficult emotions as we mourned the loss of loved ones is what FINALLY opened the door into major healing.
So glad to see a video from you Jess! I loved watching your vids from you and the boys, and it’s so wonderful to see how happy you’ve been with your fusion. Much love to you and your family! 💕
listening to this is making me cry tears of joy im so happy you're a walking miracle and testiment to really working at your issues no matter what they are
I dont have DID but have some other issues. Im watching this as I've just started (lit this week!!) to properly try and begin my road to recovery, and I've been feeling so pessimistic and scared but after this video I'm feeling like I'm doing the right thing. I'm really struggling with the "being your own therapist" thing. What you said about being so overwhelmed and wanting someone to save you is so painfully relatable. It feels like such an impossibly big thing to overcome, thank you for showing me it will still be possible and worth it! It is just so nice as someone who's just beginning recovery and terrified, to see someone talk about it so positively and openly ❤ all the best to you, and everyone else in the comments. So happy for you Jess!
So happy to see your video and that you are doing well - the part about learning what is "normal dissociation" and the fear of going backwards in recovery was really helpful. Thank you!
We live in a place where there's no treatment options for complex trauma - especially because we are poor and unable to work, and it's so fking hard to be rejected by doctors and psychologists for being too difficult a case or them seeing no point in even trying to treat us. We dont know what to do and it's so hard to keep going, but seeing how happy you are makes us want to do whatever we can to heal. We are gonna go ugly cry now lol thank you for being back on TH-cam ❤
Always so happy to hear from you, Jess. What you said about being rescued reminds me of a a boundary we drew regarding telling others about our system. I think we carried the unhealthy idea for a long time that opening up to others was a sign of healing. We had to teach ourselves that, frankly, not everyone is prepared to digest this information, and furthermore, not everyone is ENTITLED to know. Maybe in a way, we retrained ourselves in the way we view secrets: as something valuable. Healing does seem to come at a glacial place, and then one day it hits you like an avalanche, how much you've learned and changed. That's always a good feeling.
This is monumental!!!!! Last time I saw you you were gonna try fusion therapy and I honestly couldn't be happier for you. You're one of the many reasons I went into being a clinical therapist, I remember watching you and wanting to educate myself further, and wanting to learn what trauma could do to our brains and our personalities. I loved getting to know every part of you, and I loved seeing you in an environment where everyone celebrated you for exacly who you were, regardless of who you were that day. To see you without hypervigilence, and celebrating your accomplishments as you deserve, to have become a parent along the way!!!!! I know we don't know each other but I am so insanely proud of all of the hard work you put in to achieve the peace you so deserve. Thank you for documenting your journey, it's been so educational and truly helped me understand DID on a whole different level, which I'm sure must not have always been easy for you. I am so joyous, truly has made my day to come accross your video today. Truly, from a stranger who is insanely proud of you and your journey, well done on pushing through, on getting help, on continuing to fight for your health, self acceptance and radical self love. Im truly so happy for you. I'm sending you such a massive virtual hug and I hope you keep thriving, queen 😍
I'm studying to become a neuroscientist and I really appreciate you (and other creators alike) sharing your journey through such a difficult neurological condition. Thank you for giving this update, it was very insightful! Sending you more healing & love ❤️🩹
i clicked this to hear about you but i ended up learning so much for myself 💜 being your own therapist really spoke to me, the person thats been by my side/here for me all along has been me :)
so glad youre doing good. this is crazy to see how much youve grown and been through. youre very strong and im glad youre finally living the life you always deserved :)
Final fusion is so interesting to me because as you say you are all still there but you are one now and I (who have watched your videos for years and some several times) can see manerisms from all of you but now its mixed. I really commend you for all the work you have put in and are still doing for people and mental health. I don't have DID ("just" other mental health issues) so I am really just looking in from the outside and trying to be as supportive as I can in doing so and your videos have helped so much. So thank you ❤
I’m so happy to see this update from you. I’ve been following your journey for many years now, and I genuinely did not know that it was possible to fully heal from ptsd, DID, etc. You have helped me learn so much over the years, and, since you first told us of your recovery, you have given me so much hope. This video only solidifies that feeling. I know I have a lot of hard, personal work to do, and, it’s like you said, it can be a hard pill to swallow knowing no one but yourself can save you. Your story helps me believe that hard work will be worth it. That I’m worth it. I also want to let you know that I’m so proud of you, and I’m so very happy for you. I will continue to watch/listen to whatever else you feel like sharing and support you in whatever way I can. Thank you so much for sharing these deeply vulnerable parts of you and your lived experience for so long. I know you wish you’d done more, but truly, you’ve been incredibly vulnerable and shared such difficult things to a public audience all for the sake of helping others and for the sake of your own personal growth, and that’s so damn hard and amazing. Be proud of what you’ve accomplished. You deserve that and every bit of happiness and peace you’ve worked your butt off for over these years. Thank you again so dearly. 💜💜💜💜
I HAVE MISSED YOU! So happy to see a follow up/new video. You are so beautiful. I am forever grateful and appreciative that you shared your journey while educating the public. My mother was diagnosed with DID later in her life but it was not widely known or studied or treated. It was not until I found your channel that my entire childhood made sense for me. It was as if someone turned on a light that I did not know was turned off. I reexamined every memory of my childhood with my Mother. It has helped me and my sister to heal a great deal. God bless.
I discovered your channel when working on a project during my A-levels and have continued to find your content useful even now as I am finishing my postgrad in well-being and mental health. Seeing how far you've come and hearing your story has been amazing and it's genuinely so heartwarming to see how much better you appear and sound based on what you've said following your final fusion. You're truly an inspiration and have helped so many feel less alone with their own journeys 💜
I don't have DID and don't know anyone with it. I don't remember how I stumbled upon your channel all those years ago, but your story and experiences taught me so much about other's lived experiences and how people manage mental health. I'm so glad for you that you've reached a point like this where you seem so much happier and "whole". You can see it in your face a mannerisms that some sort of weight or curtain has been lifted and I couldn't be happier for you.
I've been thinking about you lately since my symptoms and barriers have been going up and down. I really hope you're doing okay and I am happy that you are fused and doing good❤
I really like how much I've been seeing you on our feed lately. Thank you so much for sharing your experience post-fusion, along with recalling on back when you had DID. Really valuable insight
Jess, I am astounded by your beauty. I look at you and I see a samuri warrior. This is the first time I've seen your channel, I'll be watching more of your videos for inspiration. Up the CTAD clinic! 💙
I watched you earlier in your video uploads and strayed away because it just made me think too much about my own issues. It's been really difficult to find a therapist here in America with the skill set and experience offered by the CTAD clinic. I do wish trained professionals from the CTAD clinic can one day train American Clinicians to open a CTAD clinic branch in high risk states. Watching this video, however, made me realize how much I do need therapy. The struggles you described I don't think I even realized on a day to day basis (that I've deemed normal) are absolutely abnormal. The exhaustion has kept me from doing so many things in my life that I just have accepted. The less I do to rock the boat--the better. But the hypervigilance as you mentioned, I realized is constant. Constantly needing to tell myself there is no immediate threat or issues that I believe is coming from a younger part. I'm currently in grad school and the fleeting moments when one should be focusing and taking information in has been most difficult. It's prolonged my education. But I've had this since childhood. In elementary school, I have ONE memory of being ridiculed by a teacher who snapped me probably from a "dazing session" but recalling having no memory of getting to class or what grade I was in looking back. It was always quite alarming because individuals would never recognize daydreaming kids as potential dissociation and of course being a child, you have no idea yourself. It's been like that my whole life and to think that could end would just be breathtakingly amazing! If there is anything your fusion story has taught me is that life can be made better. Thank you for your transparency. :)
I am so happy to hear you’re doing well!! I do not have DID but I have ptsd and struggle with anxiety. I consider myself as recovered as I can be. For me what helped the most was actually my partner. I did the internal work but he was able to show me a lot of behaviors I didn’t even realize I had and could change. My main struggle right now is ptsd dreams. This is something I don’t know how to control at all and it is almost every night that this happens :(( my ptsd also “flares up” around my period when I’m more down about things overall, so that is a struggle too.
As someone who's been around your channel since the very early days, I am so happy to see you here now. Watching you bloom into this beautiful person, fully realized and ready to help others get there too... it's been so amazing. I love you lots, and I miss the boys, but I'm so happy to know that they're all still with you. Sending you so much love and support from the U.S.! ❤
22:26 firstly I just want to say thank you so much for opening up to everybody and coming back personally as this as someone still struggling with DD but also a mother of three children. It’s really hard like I don’t know how you do everything even healed even healed but I applaud you just so so much you are inspiration to my recovery constantly and it’s so good just to know that there’s hope like I already knew I had hope when I found my new site but you’ve given me proper hope I can. I’ve seen it. I’ve seen what my end all that I wanted looks like so thank you. I’m like crying as I write this because as a mum, they’re so so massive like they didn’t affect my but it excelled everything so yeah my kids see a little bit serve things anyway most of the day was kept in and still is from the Kids. It’s like the one thing I related to most sorry I’m getting and my brain doesn’t let me think but the one thing that stood with me the most when you said about how much she didn’t realise how I’m well you were looking back and I’m getting to that point. I’m nowhere near my parts having good communication. I have a lot of amnesia. I am in regular therapy all different kinds of therapies but it’s just you don’t realise until you step out of Like dramatic rush of all the chaos and you start to heal that you realise. Damn I was really really sick and I lost a lot of people because of it because they couldn’t understand and it hurts still but anyway I’m not trying to be all soppy inside sorry it’s kinda like I know I’m getting there. I’m doing everything. I’m finally getting the right help and I’m getting active treatment like I know I’m good but it hurts that I was robbed so much of my life. I think I’ll be a lot at the end. I won’t be able to access most of my memory still that’s my brain has always just forgotten everything so we’re just working on little things but anyway, sorry for the long Bible. I’m in the car so I’m speaking and of course I say a lot more than I write. Much love to Jess and the Fam 🧩 say hi to us from the fans and so much love like I said before you are a puzzle piece in a way to our sister you made it me see that we were just puzzle pieces like that doesn’t that sound so much not as powerful I meant anyway okay I’m gonna go before I keep babbling love you bye, 😂😂😂
Have followed you for so long and seeing you happy and good is so incredible. I really wish the best for you, and hope you know how much hope you have given me for my own mental health journey as well!
So happy to see this update and know that you are doing so well! I started following the channel since the second video way back in the day lol. It's wonderful to see how much all of your hard work has payed off! I started following the channel as a way to help me feel less alone with my own PTSD and try to understand it better. I've not made nearly as much progress as you have in the years following, but your channel still continues to help me feel less alone and this update came at a perfect time. I'm re-starting my treatment plan now that I have the funds to afford it. This video will definitely be at the back of my mind as a reason as to why I'm sticking with healing. Thank you again for all of the wonderful information, kindness, and hope that you've shared with us and thank you for letting us into a part of your life.
god I remember watching you a couple years ago when I was just starting to learn about dissociation. I was so scared that I could have DID- turns out I dohave problems with dissociation but not to the point where I split. It's always a delight to hear someone else talking about their recovery and seeing how well they're doing. I'm so happy for you!
I LOVE YOUR VIDEOS!!! :) er, we do lol. My system had decided we wanted to be co-conscious and like a family. We're halfway through our psychology degree, so we can help others, using our discussion board and assignments as our platform as much as we can to advocate for those with DID and PTSD and let people know about Internal Family Systems therapy. I love the idea of integrating IFS with behavioral therapies; it was the key to my system becoming functional so that is the knowledge we will pass on. One of my parts is big on research and finding out things, and another is big on psychology and helping others. I'm enjoying having all my parts in the "car" with me, I've became mom to them all and have the final say so on things. We have a wonderful therapist that sees us every week even if we just chat about whatever one of the parts wants to, most weeks there is something being worked out trauma wise like breadcrumbs that add up to a loaf and a big picture understanding. My thing is, I may have a normal dissociative moment, but that's an easy moment for another one to hop in the "driver seat" while I'm staring out the metaphorical window, not noticing we're doing something different. Thank you so much for all the videos you have made over the years. They've helped us on our journey the past five years. We became coconscious of all parts three years ago.
How lovely!! IFS isn’t something I know too much about but I’m looking forward to learning more! With your learning and recovery, are you planning to make any videos in future? You’d absolutely have a fan in me! 😁 Thank you so much for sharing your knowledge and experiences ☺️ I’m so glad we’d been able to help you along the way!
@@MultiplicityAndMe It's going to be a mix of my story as a testimony sprinkled with some ministry, centering around IFS and behavioral therapies and how one can grow spiritually through it. Not hardcore Christian content, just how spiritual growth helped along the way and information that can be used regardless if one is not Christian and has a different spiritual path since I have a Unitarian respect for all. I put up my first video with a first draft proof print of my journal and storytime about it, and my bright child part Kristy came out excited with our unboxing lol.
I'm SO HAPPY For you Jess you're doing great! Also i TOTALLY understand your freak out re the driving and crumpet gate & going back to therapy was 1000% the right choice. I think id do the same just to make sure if i was in remission. I'm still working towards that for my cPTSD. I'm glad you're feeling healthy now & living peacefully! Youre an inspiration to those of us still working towards our own healing journey's. Thank you for sharing your journey youve changed many lives, inuding your own. ❤
i feel like i just caught up with an old friend! this made me feel much better and secure in my own recovery. i think for us fusion is something i may never consider or maybe only consider in the far future - for now, we know DID is a coping mechanism and what works best for me is to have functional integrated multiplicity, where we all work together with as minimal barriers as possible to live as one. the part thats scary about recovery for us is fear that were going to dissappear as our own individuals, but i also think its important to challenge that and understand yes we may all be different parts, but were all one mind at the end of the day. im not sure if thats something you ever faced when choosing fusion. your channel has helped us greatly jess, and its made us feel more informed. eventually one day we will go to a specialist and work on more integration (im almost entirely fully integrated thanks to work with an old therapist, and we definitely achieved functional multiplicty) but for now ive found regular trauma therapy to be more helpful, for me personally at least. :)
OMG! It's so lovely to see you again! I have genuinely missed seeing your videos! I am so thankful for what you shared about panic attacks and calming down. My grounding box has been an absolute life saver. Thank you again for sharing your journey with us. So happy to see you happy!
It’s so cool how you sound like a mix of Jess, Ed and Jaime… like the sound of your voice and mannerisms. Love you all. I come back to your body of work on ver and over. Your laugh has hints of Ollie…🫶🏾
I’m glad to hear from you Jess and happy your quality life has improved. Enjoy your life and have fun if you choose to do videos here and there randomly I’ll be here to support ❤ If not that’s okay congratulations on your recovery
Im so happy for you! Thank you for sharing all that. You've helped us a great deal with your videos and I'm very happy that you got to this point! Wishing all the best for you!
Goodness, it’s so amazing seeing a fellow system living so happily. I doubt final fusion is right for us, but it’s so amazing just seeing someone like us living so nicely, so happily. It shows how we can live without trauma.
Honestly very proud of you! Studied some psychology and honestly I never got quite as captured with it (despite really enjoying it) as I did with learning about DID and the story of you and the boys. I am genuinely so pleased things are going well for you and yours and I want to thank you for the education!!
Im so happy for you !! Since watching you, I have discovered I am a system myself and your channel has been really helpful and informative. Unbelievably happy to see you and your family thriving.
I keep on checking on the dates of these new updates, too amazed that you're actually back! Im so glad, and really happy to see you're doing so much better. I really wish you the best in life ❤
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it's been 3 years already?? that's awesome! I'm so happy for you, you sound like you're doing so well! thank you for checking in and giving us a bit of an update as well as answer some questions. I hope life continues to get better for you and that every day is a blessing
It’s on a bit of a continuum so it’s hard to place things exactly! But I use having my youngest and remembering I’d recovered (but I was still awaiting if my symptoms were still present/unsure!) before becoming pregnant with my youngest - she’s 2.5 now 😄 but there’s no clear date if that makes sense where I went like yep I’m 100% not DID today 🙈
Followed Multiplicity for a few years. I haven't been this genuinely, and profoundly happy for a complete stranger in a long time.
Oh that’s so lovely 🥺🩷
I literally cried while watching her video about final fusion, i just couldn't stop crying throughout the whole video! I'm still really happy about it
It's so wild to me that you can hear everyone's voices in one voice; aka 'your' voice. Jess's voice sounded different when each alter was still their own voice/person and now that everyone is fused, you can really hear pieces of everyone's accent, dialect and tone in this final voice :)
Holy crap. So it's not just me? I noticed the lows in her voice and was shocked, then thought, "Oh, must be from the fusing/integrating/whatever."
It's fascinating.
Being free from PTSD sounds like a dream! Knowing it is possible gives me so much hope!
Right! I have cPTSD and Jess and their story has given me hope for healing.
THIS is the power of healing out loud.
Right? I know the feeling and the hope. It's real. It can actually happen. Amazing.
I HAVE NEVER CLICKED SO FAST
Yayyy - thank you for clicking so quickly!
Right!
Yeah, I came to youtube for a different video, but now that one has to wait. :)
@@junipermeisje6300 Same lol
SAME!! I was JUST watching her channel the other day after not seeing her post for awhile!! 😊❤
really gives me hope that having/dealing with DID won't always be so. yknow. awful. thanks for all the help over the last 8 years since i started watching!
Always 🥰🩷
Can't lie, I'm a wee bit jealous 😂 But far more than that, I am so so so happy for you!!!!!! Congrats, well done you for all of the HARD work you put in to get here, and wishing you all the health and happiness from here on out!
wow! grieving the thought of someone coming to save you is something I have never put together but that’s exactly it! that’s when the magic begins :)
It’s such a tough pill to swallow! So many of us with trauma I think would just give so much to feel saved… it’s the grief knowing the only person who can ultimately save you is yourself and that no magic is going to take it away… 🩷
@@MultiplicityAndMe absolutely! and it is so necessary to be angry/sad/etc about it because it’s not fair! once I was able to do that and validate myself, it seemed like magic how much I was able to grow and find more peace. that’s what I meant by magic :) so glad you are doing well lots of love!
@@MultiplicityAndMe No magic? Well that's a bummer 😢😂
I really relate to having to accept that you need to "save" yourself. When my BPD was at it's worst (the WORST emotional pain I've ever felt), I wanted MH services to save me, but they couldn't. Even when I threatened sui, they didn't really do much. I had to choose saving myself and i had to choose recovery. For a long time, I didn't want to choose recovery (I think because I was fearful of what that would look like/feel like), but when I did finally accept it and choose my recovery, through DBT, I found that most of my BPD symptoms disappeared or lessened in severity. It was SO scary, and even tho I've still had a few hiccups here and there, it's been almost 6 months in what I would consider remission!
I felt this so much when you described it 🥺 I’m so sorry you know this pain too 🩷 but I’m so glad it’s been ultimately healing for you. It’s so hard to realise. But it really does help us make huge strides. Good luck with your remission! ❤️🩹
I had a similar although less severe journey; my resistance to healing was the fear of losing my therapist. I had to be willing to take care of myself.
We have BPD too and they’ve abandoned us. Won’t even see us now. Lots of stigma at the one I have to see if I want help because they are so stigmatising to BPD patients
I also became more stable in my BPD with DBT therapy 15 years ago, but they never finished the job and all my other problems are still here. I have been screaming at the psychiatry for decades to help me, but they don't due to underfunding in my country. I have done as much as I can myself, I have hardly any behavioural issues anymore. But I feel horrible SO often, mood swings, depressed and super tired, and I can't make it go away on my own. I just started DBT again, but they've cut the treatment time in half, so we only get one year. I need way more therapy than one year. I have so many problems and diagnoses and no one seems to want to help me, either because I'm too complicated and they refuse to see me, or because they think I'm lying about how I bad it is since I "look" normal and articulate myself.
I'm sorry if I'm ranting, I just think it's important to not put all the responsibility on the patient to get well, when the psychiatry won't do their part.
I'd do all the work I possibly could, I'm prepared to work hard, if I had been given a long, consistent therapy contact. Which I am never offered. One year of DBT feels like nothing, I just feel stressed. I've carried my trauma for 20 years and that's only one out of 10 other huge problems I have. I hate that my health would be better if they psychiatry did their job better. I hate being dependant on an abusive, non-functional health care.
Although I believe this is what you actually meant- If something traumatic ever happened, don't wait until symptoms appear, get back to the clinic straight away to address the trauma and to hopefully prevent any symptoms from ever coming up. Even without DID symptoms, we all benefit from therapy after any trauma. I'm really happy for you and proud of how far you've come!
Watching your post-DID videos gives us a lot of hope. We're incredibly lucky in the amount of time and flexibility we have in which to focus on healing and yet it feels like it's taking forever and there's always more stuff we didn't know about that floats to the top. I think that imagining having a life not constantly dictated by trauma is a relatively new idea for us. Also your return to working in therapy gives us hope because it's been a dream of ours to be a therapist and we've had lots of people (mental health professionals included) tell us we'd be great at it. But of course, there is so much healing that we need to do before we could even attempt it.
One of the helpful tools our (DID specialist) therapist has been using with us is, when a big emotion comes up, stop asking "What's wrong?" and start asking, "Who is feeling it?" This encourages the collaboration and connection to other parts instead of trying to fix and get rid of the feeling. We've also had a lot of success in holding system meetings as smaller teams instead of all 36 of us at the same time. The teams format has made it much easier for two or three folks to decide to collaborate on something together and more and more, we're trying to ensure that everyone has someone to connect with and spend time with rather than defaulting to being alone in the inner world.
This is beautiful 🩷 thank you for sharing
Our psych meds make it incredibly difficult to know who is around. I don't see/hear/read about many people talking about this. Sometimes, we know who it is, but they aren't named. But we integrate and split, shifting over time... Some remain very constant while others don't.
Sorry for all that info... Your saying that made me wish that, sometimes, we could know more, understand more. But not always being a switchy mess is nice, too.
Jess, I’ve been watching your videos for a while now, and you’ve helped teach me things about my own mental health - even if I’m someone without DID. I just want to thank you, and tell you that I’m really proud of you and your journey. Cheers.
Thank you ☺️
I and we are so happy that you're thriving after final fusion! Hearing that you no longer experience PTSD symptoms gives us hope that we can heal from our past. We hope you continue making videos, Jess! 🥰🤟💜
Thank you ferris system!! Good luck in your recovery journey too ☺️🩷❤️🩹
I'm so happy you touched on trauma and asexuality - it reminded me of this wonderful statement I heard a little back that:
And even if my trauma caused or contributed to my asexuality, that does not invalidate it one tiny bit! :)
Just a reminder to anyone who finds it helpful.
I used to have the same fear around my depression, that if it ever came back, I wouldn’t be able to cope. But what my therapist told me really stuck with me, that Because I know what rock bottom feels like, and because I was able to use the few resources I had then to heal, now that I have all these new resources, experience and knowledge, I would never fall back again. I would like to believe the same applies to your DID
I agree 🩷 thank you so much for sharing
I also use the phrase “it’s okay”. It is my short cut to self compassion which has been the single most important aspect of my mental health recovery. 😊
This is a beautiful tool to have! Yes. “It’s okay”. 🩷🩷🩷
I oftentimes say it to myself but it sounds pretty ironic as I say it when I'm most stressed like 'it's okay...😰😖'. But it helps.
@@ameliab324yes me too how true! We have to reframe the situation which is what the phrase is meant to do it’s like letting ourselves know that the opposite of what we feel is true. Most of the time the truth is we are actually ok; we are not being threatened or attacked it only feels that way.
You do seem just a lot more at ease, which is just fantastic. It amazes me how the brain can create this intricate flowering piece of people within itself to deal with trauma and then once it has dealt with it (in the best way it can) it can come together and create this fullness. Absolutely wild :)
It really is! 🤯
@@MultiplicityAndMe I'm really interested to know how this effects your Inner World. Obviously you don't switch and aren't co-conscious anymore but is the inner world gone? The concept is wild to me like your brain can essentially generate this place and more consciousnesses that then go to said place when not actively in control of the body
@@aaronwilder2775totally gone! The inner world started vanishing a good 6 months before the DID went - I think as I didn’t need to rely on dissociation to cope as much, it just became a bit redundant until my brain stopped accessing it entirely!
@@MultiplicityAndMe absolutely wild, now this is on a similar page but perhaps slightly off topic but idk if this is exactly the same mechanism but this ability to go to this place inside the mind I feel would be like lucid dreaming.
Hearing you say that as a trauma survivor you can be frightened of the consequences of holding yourself accountable has really reframed that for me. I didn't realise it was a possibility that the very self parenting behaviours I am trying to use on myself might actually be a trigger, and to be honest that makes a LOT of sense to me! Will have to ruminate on this more but it's striking me as an important aspect of recovery. Many thanks for sharing ❤
That's a really interesting point and the self parenting. 😮
I am just so happy to see you in a good place. I hope you keep posting, even if it's just a day in your life and not about DID. Sending you positive vibes, you are such a beautiful human.
Thank you so much!! ☺️
Your journey is so relatable, hopeful and encouraging! Your channel is of the reasons I finally got diagnosed many years ago (and now I'm a trauma informed psychologist!).
I am currently in the process of fusion, though it's been tough and painful, the silence and peace sometimes feels lonely when I have to deal with things on my own without escape. I'm not pursuing fusion, just accepting that it's happening and letting myself feel and mourn, it's painful, but not unbearable anymore, and I know I can do this without splitting further.
I’ve been watching your videos for probably 10 years and in the last 4 I’ve (finally) been diagnosed with cptsd and a dissociative disorder and done so much therapy and now feel like i’m in an immensely positive forward-motion stage of recovery. and like. oh my god. jess. the thing about waking up one day and no longer feeing hypervigilant-it’s such a surreal experience and it was super helpful for me to hear it put into words. i really truly wish it for everyone who’s experienced hypervigilance bc i didn’t know how bad it was til it was gone and my brain was able to fully focus on things for the first time in ??? everything you said about being able to trust your own short term memory also really resonated for me!! it’s so huge!! it’s so wild!! i used to call mine colander brain but now its actually a bowl and it DOES hold things again 🎉🎉🎉
Such a good example with the colander!! Thank you for sharing 🩷☺️ congrats on your success!
Now all the pieces of the orange face each other, I remember clearly your explanation of DID because of that ❤.
it's so good to see you this relaxed and happy!
This means the world ☺️ so glad to be relaxed and happy too!
This internet stranger is so very proud of you. This is an incredible life achievement. The day we've reached a sustained period of no more hyper-vigilance is a day we'll celebrate.
I never actually thought about the fact that somebody could essentially recover from DID. It makes sense though - a mirror, once shattered, will always be shattered but once all the pieces are put together you have a full mirror again, just one that is made up of individual shards instead of essentially one big shard. That's the best way in my head that I can understand it as someone who doesn't have DID.
The quality of life comment and experience hit me hard. So so so wonderful to hear. I'm so happy for you.
I can't put enough ❤❤ to express how happy i am for you! I have BPD and I've learned so much about trauma recovery from your channel. I also just got diagnosed with Autism, ADHD, Tourette's, Dyslexia, dyscalculia, complex PTSD.... all on top of parenting teenagers with autism, ADHD and PTSD. I'm finally learning to parent myself in a kind loving manner.
That’s beautiful! I’m sure your younger self is/would be so proud to feel so safe and secure again 🩷🩷 good luck in your recovery!
Hello! Thank you for the update!
My pleasure 😇
This may be super parasocial lol, but I am SO SO proud of you! I started watching like all the way back in the beginning of your channel and the progress you've made is just phenomenal. As someone with CPTSD I feel somewhat of a kinship with the DID/OSDD community. I started watching bc I just found multiplicity super fascinating, but later I started to realize my own traumas, and I saw so many parallels to what I was also experiencing. Your recovery journey as well as some other systems journeys who were part of the "OG" DID youtube group gives me so much hope for my own recovery, we got this!
I don't have DID but I do have Depersonalization Disorder 8+ years now and I want to say that you and your system and your story have been a massive inspiration and I've been fortunate to have been on this journey with you! Been following you for years now and it's incredible to see how things have changed and where you are now! I'm slowly recovering as well and it's like I'm stepping back into life! Wish you all the best 💜💜
it feels so supportive to hear from you post-fusion. We are doing phase 2 work now and it already shows that it is moving parts closer together in a significant way. Like this is the missing piece and in some areas the barriers start to resolve themselves. We have known that we wanted final fusion for several years (ever since a super positiv blending experience) and now it looks so promising... we will get there. We have moments with a heart rate in the 70s already... What sticks out to me is the willingness to be your own therapist. We've been on our own for so long that we had to do that and take care of a lot of things ourselves. Nobody was coming to save us... and it makes such a big difference now, even in the processing phase. It just gets so much easier when we have worked out how to help each other and regulate ourselves together. Its just very very encouraging for us to hear from you and to see how much more settled you seem.
So happy for you and thank you for sharing 💖 I don't have DID but I do deal with trauma and other mental health issues, your videos have been hugely helpful in understanding why my brain does what it does. Thank you for being a wonderful resource in the community ☺️💗💗💗
That’s so kind 🥺 thank you 🩷
the part about having to be your own therapist is so relatable to me. personally i don't have DID but struggle with BPD and am currently nearing the end of a three month DBT program at a clinic and the whole "taking responsibility for yourself" thing is soooo scary. and i get the mourning too, i think deep down one just thinks, "the trauma already happened to me against my will, so why do i have to clean it up myself? why can't someone just swoop in and save me?"--even if those aren't conscious thoughts... anyway this video is so inspiring. it's a hard road but it's uplifting to see others working on themselves and trying to change their life. all the best to you. i hope one day i too will feel i have reached a higher quality of life, i feel like most of the time i'm still just...suffering...trapped in painful feelings i can't control.
I'm so happy for you! And thank you for updating us and giving us more info on what recovery entails.
Thank you for helping my DID partner in so many ways you don't even know about, thank you for helping to educate me (via your videos) so I could better support and understand them, and thank you for also educating me so that I could discover my own system (last year) and finally get specialized treatment I didn't know I needed (a week from today). Wish me luck.
Oh my goodness! Very best of luck to you!
it's so nice to hear from you again
Haha yes! Very useful for reading stories with the kids 😄😁
Thank you SO much for sharing all of this.
I am in tears here as the video comes to an end.
Thank you for including the step of mourning someone coming to rescue and coming to terms with having to be that person for yourself. I don’t know if this is similar for lots of people? But it’s what I am finding, and it is a really fricken hard step to deal with. I think even more so because so much of “escaping” was in my head and so you have this kinda wish for someone to come and because most of it happens when you’re just a kid….. you get what I mean.
Thank you for sharing this.
I am beyond flipping happy for you! So flipping happy!
I want to wake up one day, however it works for me, and find out what no hypervigilence feels like.
I want to know what it’s like to live without actively hating yourself every minute.
What it’s like to trust myself and have some things I know for sure about myself.
Listening to you in this video was beautiful.
Thank you.
From another Jess in Australia.
I watched your videos years ago and this popped up today. I remember being amazed at how well you seemed to deal with having DID and coping with life. Having now watched this video, I realise I couldn’t have been more wrong. The change is astounding! You seem so much happier, relaxed and just, I dunno, content and at peace. I’m just a stranger on the internet, but for what it’s worth, I couldn’t be more thrilled for you and your family. How wonderful to be present at all times to be with your children. I imagine it makes you a fantastic parent, as you sound like you don’t take those moments for granted. I’m so happy I got to see this video and wish you the absolute best in your future 🤗🇦🇺
Thank you so much for helping bring awareness to a disorder like this. I had no idea this even existed until I saw your videos and realized the brain is so much more complex than I could have ever imagined! As someone dealing with my own mental health and trying to explore my brain, your videos have helped immensely. And I am so glad you are doing well in recovery!! I know this is something you have worked diligently for a very long time for ❤ thank you so much for all you've done and I am so happy you are enjoying your new stage of life ❤
This is so lovely 🥰 thank you so much
it's wonderful to see you again! you look well and happy and i'm very glad you've come so far!
I don't have DID but I somehow discovered your channel 6 or 7 years ago and followed out of curiosity and generally wanting to educate myself about the disorder and people living with it. Following your journey and seeing you now is amazing and I hope you're proud of everything you've accomplished :)
PS - yay fellow asexual! glad you feel comfortable with the term, don't forget that it's a spectrum and there's many ways one experiences asexuality 🖤🩶🤍💜
Absolutely ☺️ thank you so much for following and sticking by this whole time!
My doctor calls it integration. I worked hard in therapy to get there. I’m in the same boat. I’m so proud to have watched your videos and found comfort in knowing I wasn’t alone. Now being recovered and seeing you’re doing the same, is amazing. I’m so proud of us. :)
JESS! This update... my heart is bursting with JOY for you. And I personally needed to hear this. I'm experiencing this phenomenon with my steroid tapering (taking it for my autoimmune) where my hypervigilance and panic attacks have come back full force after remission. It's waking up daily with my heart rate at 99-107, being so anxious I couldn''t think or do things, and the paranoia that I'm dying -- it's been absolute hell and hearing you say that when you had DID, it was similar to that, oh my god... You suffered so much. I am currently in treatment but still waiting for the escitalopram to kick in. The other day, I had a very bad panic attack and met a nurse who actually knew how to help me. Hearing you and seeing how well you're doing gives me hope that I'll experience equilibrium one day. I just need to keep on going. Also regarding memory... Oh my god. I'm the same way! Though I do have ADHD. I doubt my memories as I have recalled false memories or heavily altered memories. I'm still navigating my way around this but I'm starting psychotherapy soon so I am hopeful. I'm so proud of you and happy for you. Sending so much love from the Philippines!
I have three ppl in my life whom I've never known personally, but they had a big impact on my life:
Stephanie Coral Browitt, Niki Lauda and Jess 💓
I wish you only the best.
Oh goodness 🥹 what an honour
I cannot believe I have followed you for as many years as I have. I became obsessed with DID over a decade ago when I realized how lucky I was when it didn’t develop in me. I remember going elsewhere in my brain when I was little and being hit by my mother, and “big me” protecting little me. Years later, someone told me that’s how people split. I do disassociate, but only depersonalization.
I’m glad you’re doing well, Jess. We can all heal some of our childhood trauma if we do the work 🤍
You have inspired us to have a different perspective on fusion because it always seemed a bit scary but seeing your journey has been very eye opening. Thank you for the update and for sharing your experience!!
This is lovely! So glad to hear it! The thought of fusion frightened me at first too!
Showing all the parts compassion and validating their feelings (esp. trauma holders) has helped us make big leaps forward. That all started when your video about persecutor-protectors planted a seed of collaboration and compassion in us ❤
That combined with learning how to grieve, and to sit in difficult emotions as we mourned the loss of loved ones is what FINALLY opened the door into major healing.
So glad to see a video from you Jess! I loved watching your vids from you and the boys, and it’s so wonderful to see how happy you’ve been with your fusion. Much love to you and your family! 💕
Thank you so much!!
listening to this is making me cry tears of joy im so happy you're a walking miracle and testiment to really working at your issues no matter what they are
I dont have DID but have some other issues. Im watching this as I've just started (lit this week!!) to properly try and begin my road to recovery, and I've been feeling so pessimistic and scared but after this video I'm feeling like I'm doing the right thing.
I'm really struggling with the "being your own therapist" thing. What you said about being so overwhelmed and wanting someone to save you is so painfully relatable. It feels like such an impossibly big thing to overcome, thank you for showing me it will still be possible and worth it! It is just so nice as someone who's just beginning recovery and terrified, to see someone talk about it so positively and openly ❤ all the best to you, and everyone else in the comments. So happy for you Jess!
So happy to see your video and that you are doing well - the part about learning what is "normal dissociation" and the fear of going backwards in recovery was really helpful. Thank you!
You’re very welcome ☺️🩷
Nice to see your face again!!!
So glad to hear you're doing well ❤
❤️❤️❤️
I had no idea you identified as ace!! Ahhh I have since I was 14 and it's made me very happy to hear you talk about it.
I'm so glad! ☺️🩷 yay!
We live in a place where there's no treatment options for complex trauma - especially because we are poor and unable to work, and it's so fking hard to be rejected by doctors and psychologists for being too difficult a case or them seeing no point in even trying to treat us. We dont know what to do and it's so hard to keep going, but seeing how happy you are makes us want to do whatever we can to heal. We are gonna go ugly cry now lol thank you for being back on TH-cam ❤
Always so happy to hear from you, Jess. What you said about being rescued reminds me of a a boundary we drew regarding telling others about our system. I think we carried the unhealthy idea for a long time that opening up to others was a sign of healing. We had to teach ourselves that, frankly, not everyone is prepared to digest this information, and furthermore, not everyone is ENTITLED to know. Maybe in a way, we retrained ourselves in the way we view secrets: as something valuable.
Healing does seem to come at a glacial place, and then one day it hits you like an avalanche, how much you've learned and changed. That's always a good feeling.
This is monumental!!!!! Last time I saw you you were gonna try fusion therapy and I honestly couldn't be happier for you. You're one of the many reasons I went into being a clinical therapist, I remember watching you and wanting to educate myself further, and wanting to learn what trauma could do to our brains and our personalities. I loved getting to know every part of you, and I loved seeing you in an environment where everyone celebrated you for exacly who you were, regardless of who you were that day. To see you without hypervigilence, and celebrating your accomplishments as you deserve, to have become a parent along the way!!!!! I know we don't know each other but I am so insanely proud of all of the hard work you put in to achieve the peace you so deserve. Thank you for documenting your journey, it's been so educational and truly helped me understand DID on a whole different level, which I'm sure must not have always been easy for you. I am so joyous, truly has made my day to come accross your video today.
Truly, from a stranger who is insanely proud of you and your journey, well done on pushing through, on getting help, on continuing to fight for your health, self acceptance and radical self love. Im truly so happy for you. I'm sending you such a massive virtual hug and I hope you keep thriving, queen 😍
I'm studying to become a neuroscientist and I really appreciate you (and other creators alike) sharing your journey through such a difficult neurological condition. Thank you for giving this update, it was very insightful! Sending you more healing & love ❤️🩹
i clicked this to hear about you but i ended up learning so much for myself 💜 being your own therapist really spoke to me, the person thats been by my side/here for me all along has been me :)
Love that! That’s so beautiful 🥺🩷 so glad it helped!
so glad youre doing good. this is crazy to see how much youve grown and been through. youre very strong and im glad youre finally living the life you always deserved :)
This is so lovely for you to say 🥹 thank you
Final fusion is so interesting to me because as you say you are all still there but you are one now and I (who have watched your videos for years and some several times) can see manerisms from all of you but now its mixed. I really commend you for all the work you have put in and are still doing for people and mental health. I don't have DID ("just" other mental health issues) so I am really just looking in from the outside and trying to be as supportive as I can in doing so and your videos have helped so much. So thank you ❤
This reminds me of how much better i felt after getting on adhd and anxiety meds
I’m so happy to see this update from you. I’ve been following your journey for many years now, and I genuinely did not know that it was possible to fully heal from ptsd, DID, etc. You have helped me learn so much over the years, and, since you first told us of your recovery, you have given me so much hope. This video only solidifies that feeling. I know I have a lot of hard, personal work to do, and, it’s like you said, it can be a hard pill to swallow knowing no one but yourself can save you. Your story helps me believe that hard work will be worth it. That I’m worth it. I also want to let you know that I’m so proud of you, and I’m so very happy for you. I will continue to watch/listen to whatever else you feel like sharing and support you in whatever way I can. Thank you so much for sharing these deeply vulnerable parts of you and your lived experience for so long. I know you wish you’d done more, but truly, you’ve been incredibly vulnerable and shared such difficult things to a public audience all for the sake of helping others and for the sake of your own personal growth, and that’s so damn hard and amazing. Be proud of what you’ve accomplished. You deserve that and every bit of happiness and peace you’ve worked your butt off for over these years. Thank you again so dearly. 💜💜💜💜
I HAVE MISSED YOU! So happy to see a follow up/new video. You are so beautiful. I am forever grateful and appreciative that you shared your journey while educating the public. My mother was diagnosed with DID later in her life but it was not widely known or studied or treated. It was not until I found your channel that my entire childhood made sense for me. It was as if someone turned on a light that I did not know was turned off. I reexamined every memory of my childhood with my Mother. It has helped me and my sister to heal a great deal. God bless.
A very timely video in light of Wilkinson returning to YT. I think her viewers could learnt a lot from your post-DID videos.
I discovered your channel when working on a project during my A-levels and have continued to find your content useful even now as I am finishing my postgrad in well-being and mental health. Seeing how far you've come and hearing your story has been amazing and it's genuinely so heartwarming to see how much better you appear and sound based on what you've said following your final fusion.
You're truly an inspiration and have helped so many feel less alone with their own journeys 💜
That’s so lovely! Thank you!
Oh, hi, I watched some of your videos back when I was a teenager. Time flies. Congratulations on your recovery!
I'm so happy for you! You deserve all the beautiful things.
That’s so incredibly lovely 🥺 thank you
I can’t believe I have followed you for 11 years. What a journey!
Om-squee I'm so glad to see another video from you! Good for you on your journey, and I hope you continue to live your best life. ❤
Thank you so much!!
I don't have DID and don't know anyone with it. I don't remember how I stumbled upon your channel all those years ago, but your story and experiences taught me so much about other's lived experiences and how people manage mental health. I'm so glad for you that you've reached a point like this where you seem so much happier and "whole". You can see it in your face a mannerisms that some sort of weight or curtain has been lifted and I couldn't be happier for you.
Thank you for the update! Glad to hear you're doing well. It was a really interesting video! So lovely to see you again 😊
Thank you! You too! ☺️🩷
Thank you for sharing your story. It has helped us and a lot of other people. ❤❤❤
You are so welcome 🤗
You sound like you're doing amazing, eo glad for you
Thank you so much!
I've been thinking about you lately since my symptoms and barriers have been going up and down. I really hope you're doing okay and I am happy that you are fused and doing good❤
Such a great video, Jess. It's so refreshing to hear about life post DID, and I think it's very important to hear and learn about. Sending much love
Thank you lantern ☺️🩷
I really like how much I've been seeing you on our feed lately. Thank you so much for sharing your experience post-fusion, along with recalling on back when you had DID. Really valuable insight
You are so welcome! 🤗 miss you guys!!!
Jess, I am astounded by your beauty. I look at you and I see a samuri warrior. This is the first time I've seen your channel, I'll be watching more of your videos for inspiration. Up the CTAD clinic! 💙
I watched you earlier in your video uploads and strayed away because it just made me think too much about my own issues. It's been really difficult to find a therapist here in America with the skill set and experience offered by the CTAD clinic. I do wish trained professionals from the CTAD clinic can one day train American Clinicians to open a CTAD clinic branch in high risk states.
Watching this video, however, made me realize how much I do need therapy. The struggles you described I don't think I even realized on a day to day basis (that I've deemed normal) are absolutely abnormal. The exhaustion has kept me from doing so many things in my life that I just have accepted. The less I do to rock the boat--the better. But the hypervigilance as you mentioned, I realized is constant. Constantly needing to tell myself there is no immediate threat or issues that I believe is coming from a younger part.
I'm currently in grad school and the fleeting moments when one should be focusing and taking information in has been most difficult. It's prolonged my education. But I've had this since childhood. In elementary school, I have ONE memory of being ridiculed by a teacher who snapped me probably from a "dazing session" but recalling having no memory of getting to class or what grade I was in looking back. It was always quite alarming because individuals would never recognize daydreaming kids as potential dissociation and of course being a child, you have no idea yourself. It's been like that my whole life and to think that could end would just be breathtakingly amazing! If there is anything your fusion story has taught me is that life can be made better. Thank you for your transparency. :)
I am so happy to hear you’re doing well!! I do not have DID but I have ptsd and struggle with anxiety. I consider myself as recovered as I can be. For me what helped the most was actually my partner. I did the internal work but he was able to show me a lot of behaviors I didn’t even realize I had and could change.
My main struggle right now is ptsd dreams. This is something I don’t know how to control at all and it is almost every night that this happens :(( my ptsd also “flares up” around my period when I’m more down about things overall, so that is a struggle too.
There’s a really excellent video from Justin havens about nightmare rewriting - may be worth having a watch! Best of luck on your journey!
As someone who's been around your channel since the very early days, I am so happy to see you here now. Watching you bloom into this beautiful person, fully realized and ready to help others get there too... it's been so amazing. I love you lots, and I miss the boys, but I'm so happy to know that they're all still with you. Sending you so much love and support from the U.S.! ❤
22:26 firstly I just want to say thank you so much for opening up to everybody and coming back personally as this as someone still struggling with DD but also a mother of three children. It’s really hard like I don’t know how you do everything even healed even healed but I applaud you just so so much you are inspiration to my recovery constantly and it’s so good just to know that there’s hope like I already knew I had hope when I found my new site but you’ve given me proper hope I can. I’ve seen it. I’ve seen what my end all that I wanted looks like so thank you. I’m like crying as I write this because as a mum, they’re so so massive like they didn’t affect my but it excelled everything so yeah my kids see a little bit serve things anyway most of the day was kept in and still is from the Kids. It’s like the one thing I related to most sorry I’m getting and my brain doesn’t let me think but the one thing that stood with me the most when you said about how much she didn’t realise how I’m well you were looking back and I’m getting to that point. I’m nowhere near my parts having good communication. I have a lot of amnesia. I am in regular therapy all different kinds of therapies but it’s just you don’t realise until you step out of Like dramatic rush of all the chaos and you start to heal that you realise. Damn I was really really sick and I lost a lot of people because of it because they couldn’t understand and it hurts still but anyway I’m not trying to be all soppy inside sorry it’s kinda like I know I’m getting there. I’m doing everything. I’m finally getting the right help and I’m getting active treatment like I know I’m good but it hurts that I was robbed so much of my life. I think I’ll be a lot at the end. I won’t be able to access most of my memory still that’s my brain has always just forgotten everything so we’re just working on little things but anyway, sorry for the long Bible. I’m in the car so I’m speaking and of course I say a lot more than I write. Much love to Jess and the Fam 🧩 say hi to us from the fans and so much love like I said before you are a puzzle piece in a way to our sister you made it me see that we were just puzzle pieces like that doesn’t that sound so much not as powerful I meant anyway okay I’m gonna go before I keep babbling love you bye, 😂😂😂
Have followed you for so long and seeing you happy and good is so incredible. I really wish the best for you, and hope you know how much hope you have given me for my own mental health journey as well!
That’s beautiful to hear! Thank you!
I love seeing you so well. I don't know you, but I'm so proud of you and how brave you have been.
So happy to hear from you again, Jess! So wonderful to know how you’ve been doing. You seem so much more free now. It’s beautiful.
didn't realize how long i'd been watching your channel! so happy to see where your journey has led you :)
So happy to see this update and know that you are doing so well! I started following the channel since the second video way back in the day lol. It's wonderful to see how much all of your hard work has payed off! I started following the channel as a way to help me feel less alone with my own PTSD and try to understand it better. I've not made nearly as much progress as you have in the years following, but your channel still continues to help me feel less alone and this update came at a perfect time. I'm re-starting my treatment plan now that I have the funds to afford it. This video will definitely be at the back of my mind as a reason as to why I'm sticking with healing. Thank you again for all of the wonderful information, kindness, and hope that you've shared with us and thank you for letting us into a part of your life.
Thank you! And very best of luck with your healing!
god I remember watching you a couple years ago when I was just starting to learn about dissociation. I was so scared that I could have DID- turns out I dohave problems with dissociation but not to the point where I split. It's always a delight to hear someone else talking about their recovery and seeing how well they're doing. I'm so happy for you!
I LOVE YOUR VIDEOS!!! :) er, we do lol.
My system had decided we wanted to be co-conscious and like a family. We're halfway through our psychology degree, so we can help others, using our discussion board and assignments as our platform as much as we can to advocate for those with DID and PTSD and let people know about Internal Family Systems therapy. I love the idea of integrating IFS with behavioral therapies; it was the key to my system becoming functional so that is the knowledge we will pass on. One of my parts is big on research and finding out things, and another is big on psychology and helping others. I'm enjoying having all my parts in the "car" with me, I've became mom to them all and have the final say so on things. We have a wonderful therapist that sees us every week even if we just chat about whatever one of the parts wants to, most weeks there is something being worked out trauma wise like breadcrumbs that add up to a loaf and a big picture understanding. My thing is, I may have a normal dissociative moment, but that's an easy moment for another one to hop in the "driver seat" while I'm staring out the metaphorical window, not noticing we're doing something different.
Thank you so much for all the videos you have made over the years. They've helped us on our journey the past five years. We became coconscious of all parts three years ago.
How lovely!! IFS isn’t something I know too much about but I’m looking forward to learning more!
With your learning and recovery, are you planning to make any videos in future? You’d absolutely have a fan in me! 😁
Thank you so much for sharing your knowledge and experiences ☺️ I’m so glad we’d been able to help you along the way!
@@MultiplicityAndMe It's going to be a mix of my story as a testimony sprinkled with some ministry, centering around IFS and behavioral therapies and how one can grow spiritually through it. Not hardcore Christian content, just how spiritual growth helped along the way and information that can be used regardless if one is not Christian and has a different spiritual path since I have a Unitarian respect for all. I put up my first video with a first draft proof print of my journal and storytime about it, and my bright child part Kristy came out excited with our unboxing lol.
@@MultiplicityAndMe "The Lighthouse Of Sprightful Seeds" is the channel we have made for it :)
I'm SO HAPPY For you Jess you're doing great!
Also i TOTALLY understand your freak out re the driving and crumpet gate & going back to therapy was 1000% the right choice.
I think id do the same just to make sure if i was in remission.
I'm still working towards that for my cPTSD.
I'm glad you're feeling healthy now & living peacefully!
Youre an inspiration to those of us still working towards our own healing journey's.
Thank you for sharing your journey youve changed many lives, inuding your own. ❤
Wow, congratulations!!! I'm glad to hear from you on this channel again 🤍🩷 you definitely seem more calm and happier 😊
i feel like i just caught up with an old friend! this made me feel much better and secure in my own recovery. i think for us fusion is something i may never consider or maybe only consider in the far future - for now, we know DID is a coping mechanism and what works best for me is to have functional integrated multiplicity, where we all work together with as minimal barriers as possible to live as one. the part thats scary about recovery for us is fear that were going to dissappear as our own individuals, but i also think its important to challenge that and understand yes we may all be different parts, but were all one mind at the end of the day. im not sure if thats something you ever faced when choosing fusion. your channel has helped us greatly jess, and its made us feel more informed. eventually one day we will go to a specialist and work on more integration (im almost entirely fully integrated thanks to work with an old therapist, and we definitely achieved functional multiplicty) but for now ive found regular trauma therapy to be more helpful, for me personally at least. :)
OMG! It's so lovely to see you again! I have genuinely missed seeing your videos! I am so thankful for what you shared about panic attacks and calming down. My grounding box has been an absolute life saver. Thank you again for sharing your journey with us. So happy to see you happy!
Grounding boxes are the absolute best!! So glad to hear it’s been helpful!
You’re glowing! I’m so proud of you!
So much of this resonates with my experiences with OCD. I’m not *fully* recovered (may never be), but can hardly believe how I used to “function”
I have missed you. I am glad you're in a good place.
It’s so cool how you sound like a mix of Jess, Ed and Jaime… like the sound of your voice and mannerisms. Love you all. I come back to your body of work on ver and over. Your laugh has hints of Ollie…🫶🏾
I’m glad to hear from you Jess and happy your quality life has improved. Enjoy your life and have fun if you choose to do videos here and there randomly I’ll be here to support ❤
If not that’s okay congratulations on your recovery
Thank you so much 🩷
Im so happy for you! Thank you for sharing all that. You've helped us a great deal with your videos and I'm very happy that you got to this point! Wishing all the best for you!
Yay! I’m so pleased! Thank you so much!
Goodness, it’s so amazing seeing a fellow system living so happily. I doubt final fusion is right for us, but it’s so amazing just seeing someone like us living so nicely, so happily. It shows how we can live without trauma.
Honestly very proud of you! Studied some psychology and honestly I never got quite as captured with it (despite really enjoying it) as I did with learning about DID and the story of you and the boys. I am genuinely so pleased things are going well for you and yours and I want to thank you for the education!!
Wow, thank you! So blessed to hear that our story captivated you ☺️
Im so happy for you !! Since watching you, I have discovered I am a system myself and your channel has been really helpful and informative. Unbelievably happy to see you and your family thriving.
I keep on checking on the dates of these new updates, too amazed that you're actually back! Im so glad, and really happy to see you're doing so much better. I really wish you the best in life ❤
That’s so lovely! Thank you!
It's so nice to see you again, I'm happy you have chosen the path that makes you happier. hope you have a very blessed day 🩷
Thank you so much!