I REMEMBERED!: Our Recovery Journey | Dissociative Identity Disorder/Dissociative Amnesia
ฝัง
- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 20 พ.ย. 2024
- Try as we might to seem all pristine, sometimes mental health just doesn’t let us keep our plans! I hope people will understand and won’t be mad that we had to scrap the original footage and just film as we were 💖
After feeling a little triggered about my appearance, I brushed it off and filmed it anyway as I was - PJ’s and all - and figured, well, it’ll either work okay or people won’t like it... but I hope at least people understand 🌸 my original footage rocked my mental health and I had to just make do with what I could 🙈 thank you for being so patient 😊
⚠️ Trigger/Content warning ⚠️
this video contains butterfly symbolism
brief discussions of trauma and caregiver death
distaste of not wanting to be séxualised
===Whilst we may give self-help tips and advice, we are not a replacement for any mental health professional===
🎶 Love the music? All music was created by Jake’s actor, Will. 🎶
Check out more &/or commission at:
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🎶 Instagram: @willsidsmith
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★ Resources: ★
☆ Brewin, C. R., & Andrews, B. (2017). Creating memories for false autobiographical events in childhood: A systematic review. Applied Cognitive Psychology, 31(1), 2-23.
☆ Contractor, A. A., Banducci, A. N., Dolan, M., Keegan, F., & Weiss, N. H. (2019). Relation of positive memory recall count and accessibility with post-trauma mental health. Memory, 27(8), 1130-1143. www.sciencedir...
☆ Dezelic, M. (2013). Window of tolerance- trauma/anxiety-related responses: widening the comfort zone for increased flexibility. Retrieved from www.drmariedeze...
☆ International Society for the Study of Trauma and Dissociation (2020): Focus on ISSTD History, The Rise and Fall of the False Memory Syndrome Foundation.
news.isst-d.or...
☆ International Society for the Study of Trauma and Dissociation (2011): Guidelines for Treating Dissociative Identity Disorder in Adults, Third Revision, Journal of Trauma & Dissociation, 12:2, 115-187
www.isst-d.org...
☆ Markowitsch, H. J., & Staniloiu, A. (2016). Functional (dissociative) retrograde amnesia. Functional Neurologic Disorders, 419-445. doi:10.1016/b978-0-12-801772-2.00036-9
www.sciencedir....
☆ McNally RJ (September 2007). "Dispelling confusion about traumatic dissociative amnesia". Mayo Clinic Proceedings. 82 (9): 1083-90. doi:10.4065/82.9.1083. PMID 17803876. www.mayoclinic...
☆ Van der Hart, O., Steele, K., & Nijenhuis, E. (2017). The treatment of traumatic memories in patients with complex dissociative disorders. European Journal of Trauma & Dissociation, 1(1), 25-35.
www.sciencedir...
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“I think people have this skewed view about how much trauma you need to have DID” This!
FACTS. I found out I had it AFTER years of self-work and recovery. The work I’ve been doing now is mostly about reclaiming the positive memories that are allowed now that I’ve done so much hard work ‘ support in integrating and re-remembering negative memories. And in accepting that what is and isn’t trauma or leads to DID is diff for each person.
This is part of what has made me avoid my system and the possibility of a dissociative disorder despite showing clear dissociative tendencies. Every time I research trauma, I see what I perceive as "serious" definitions, things that are life-threatening or widely considered traumatic. I still don't remember huge chunks of my childhood so maybe something "serious" did happen, but I've had parts come forward and help trigger my memory of things that I had suppressed yet still have a huge effect on me, memories that have me breaking down crying like it was happening right now but the memory is over a decade old. Sadly I truly do believe that I am crazy, oversensitive and overemotional, that I am weak and needy and all I ever do is only for attention. That I should leave the mental health resources for people who really went through tough things. Sometimes I'll vent to my SO and I'll be surprised when he says he understands feeling the way I do about it. That he can easily see how that event would have been devastating especially for a child, and he's even someone who has went through the aforementioned "serious" trauma. All I know is the longer I speak with my system and my therapist, the more certain I become that the only way out of the cycle I've found myself in is to parent and take care of our littles and middles the way they always needed to be but never were. To help us stop hurting them in the ways the world and the people close to them made them think they were supposed to be hurt.
BlueHaze I’m sorry you feel and/or felt this way, I hope you get the help you need when your ready. Lots of love 🖤
@@BlueHazyDreams Trauma is whatever trauma means to you. Also the definition of the disease it that you minimise the amnesia, you can even replace real trauma with less emotive images. Your brain is a weird thing and it behaves in strange ways. Not all of those ways are protective. I'm not saying that your trauma is less valid or that there has to be some definition of real trauma that you have to have experienced. What's real to you, is real. Ask yourself this. Are you able to see all your trauma. If so and you feel nothing. Then by definition it's not trauma. You also don't have to go looking for trauma. In fact that I not a good strategy.
I remember doubting our DID a few times, the trauma and main reason we were all made was because of physical & emotional neglect. But after hearing that quote, it made me feel better.
-Logan, Maya
I'm not sure if I'm getting it right, but the thought that central elements of your boys (Ed's love for cooking, Jake's compassion for animals, Jamie being a doctor) "originated" from wholesome activities done with your grandparents is really touching. Like a part of your grandparents is with all of you. I'm sure your grandparents would be so proud of you and all your boys, Jess 💕 (for what it's worth, being a follower for a good few years, I most certainly am proud!)
You know...I didn't even see that when I was watching. Jess had me (good) crying with her and totally missed that. Makes sense as to why one of my parts took after my grandfather now. Duh. So many simple things make so much sense.
I was thinking the same. Totally see why Jaime is a doctor.
we thought this too!! :D
-ren
That was my initial thought as well. Almost like the "parts" of self were still there pre-DID and then carried on into unique and separate individuals. Mind blowing to think about!
That’s a really nice way of looking at it
Good memories are the best memories, yet sadly go hand in hand with sad memories and negative times. The balance. Hugs and love to all.
That reminds me of the scene in the movie Inside Out where Joy realizes that sadness is a necessary part of living
@@clairem1612 I've not seen the film, but will give it a watch. 😊
Yes. I always think this when I remember good memories.
@@clairem1612 am I okay saying I was really confused on the emotion connection in Inside Out because that's not how my memory works, lol! I have semantic only memory instead of episodic, a really new condition called Severely deficient autobiographical memory that was discovered in 2015.
When I first saw the title of the video, I thought you had remembered bad experiences, but I am so happy to hear that you have remembered experiencing happiness. All of you deserve it.
We’ve had good stuff and bad stuff... but we only felt comfortable sharing the good... at least for now! 😊 thank you so much
@@MultiplicityAndMe I am a Spanish native speaker and I would like to know if you are interested in subtitles in Spanish for some of your videos. I would really like to help.
@@jennyferflorescerrato5424 Awww, that is so very kind of you.
@@5of9 there is very little information about DID in Spanish. I just know about an excellent Mexican TH-camr, but there is a lot of misinformation in Latin America.
@@jennyferflorescerrato5424 Felizmente está cambiando poco a poco gracias a Long Soul System y todos los sistemas que se van uniendo para informar más ☺
Please don’t worry about “not looking perfect” on camera! If showing that much made you uncomfortable that’s okay, your mental health should always be first! (and pj’s are brilliant. i cant blame you) Do whatever makes you comfortable :)
Exactly! ❤️
This! Plus, you look great anyway :D
I didn't even reach that part of the video, I instantly thought my god, this girl is incredibly beautiful
I really appreciate the bit about not assuming someone's trauma. I've been struggling lately with the idea that something I think was a "small" event in my life could've been enough to be traumatic, and just because I think it was "small," doesn't make my traumatic experience any less valid than someone else's. So thanks for that 🥰🥰
this comment had made me Cry!!!! ive been really processing things that i only recently have declared as being traumatic. it was all online, so obviously it wasnt that bad, and someone my age did it, so obviously it wasn’t that bad, or so i told myself. thank you for reminding me that im allowed to have been hurt by something.
This has been a huge part of our understanding of our own trauma. From an adult prospective, it was almost nothing, but for the little girl...it was more than enough.
I understand your feelings. My therapist helped me learn that your worst experience is *your* worst experience. It's not a competition, and your experiences are not lessened by the fact that others have experienced differently.
My best friend and I just had this discussion. It's so important to know that everyone's trauma is different to them, valid because of what you went through.
Mahari Wynn13 ❤️❤️❤️✊🏻 ME TOO
I don't have DID but I do have asperger's and the reminder at the end, that everyone is different, made me feel so valid. I had a lot of micro traumas through my childhood that I've just been pushing away because they felt "too small" or "stupid" but I'm trying to realise that they're not and that those small things really hurt me and are affecting me even today. I'm very happy I watched this video. And I'm so happy for your progress too!
From a random internet person: I really hope you find the peace that you deserve, despite traumatic memories. No one can tell you how you "should" feel about a situation you went through. The important part is knowing that it hurt, and your feelings are valid. Be well, friend.
@@cyanide_lollipop3264 thank you, that truly means a lot ❤️ take care
@Timothy Paul it can be really hard but sometimes it feels like a blessing too. Sending your son some love!
It's so interesting that the boys have memories pre-DID, too! It makes sense, but I guess I never thought about it like that.
Possibly the piece/s of self that became each alter were originally the piece that was active pre-DID, so despite the fact no alter was present a certain alter will have the memory?
Im not sure since Im in no way an expert, but given the information I have its the theory that makes the most sense to me
it confuses me but its so very interesting and incredible!
How _poetic,_ that a *butterfly-* a _symbol_ of *metamorphosis* & becoming something *new,* something _more_ than you *ever* were before- is what brought your *memories,* _back to the surface._
I’m _so glad_ you were able to try out your _new wings,_ *Jess.*
I’m _so very happy_ for _every single person_ in, *The System.*
I _hope & pray_ you *all* have _many_ *unforgettable* _flights,_ through this _sky_ that we call *life,* _from here onward-_ that you will *never* _ever_ _have to_ or _need to,_ forget something so *beautiful & dear, to The System,* _ever again_ & that the storm clouds that may try & come, will stay _very_ far away from the *beauty* that is *Jess, Ed, Jake, Ollie, & Jamie.* 🧩♥️✨
I legitimately started tearing up when you said that even something "small" like losing your grandparents could have caused your DID. We have so many parts and I felt as though there wasn't enough trauma to justify how fragmented we are. But your comment made me realize that all the little things that happened over and over again were cause enough on their own. I've never felt so validated in my life.
Jesse, you are so beautiful and powerful in your gentle advocacy, authenticity and education. Please know the impact you are making.
@Lila Sziv Different events in life weigh differently for everyone. Do not compare yourself to others. You are perfectly fine the was you are and no matter what has traumatized you, it shouldn't be belittled
I needed to hear that too. I lost my grandma almost two years ago, then my mental state when downwards. Found out more things that happened in childhood to have caused OSDD. I guess my brain just went “I’m done, time to show what I’ve been doing”
Just like pain is relative, trauma is also relative. For one person breaking a leg can be be a 10 on a pain scale of 1-10 and deeply traumatic while for another it can be a 5 and not traumatic at all. It depends on the person.
I must admit, I can’t help myself from theorising about people’s pasts but before I write or say something I always come back to the above statement and and the fact that I still have no idea and no way of telling what these people have been through.
Yeah Breaking a leg no matter how traumatic it is (Unless a Parent Intentionally Did it!) Is not Going to cause Complex PTSD and DID.
It MUST be ongoing/ Repetitive Intense Trauma before the age of 7. (some say 9)
It's sad how many people without this diagnosis are Clueless about what we've been through.
Understand This ... Anyone who is clinically Diagnosed with Complex PTSD and DID was Tortured as a Child.
Even if they have No recollection. They were...and the memories will eventually surface if you put in the work. Unfortunately, our Abuser's Walk Free while we pay a life sentence.
@@shatteredbones1048 I know, I know. Just an example that is easier to grasp for someone who doesn’t have a clue.
@@shatteredbones1048 they weren't saying breaking a leg would cause PTSD or DID. They were saying that trauma is similar to pain in that the same exact situation can be experienced differently by 2 different people. They can have the same injury but be affected by it differently.
@@shatteredbones1048 She just said that her grandparents dying and not being soothed the correct way could cause DID. & That it doesnt have to be absolutely extreme trauma.?
@@autumnaki3264 Emotional neglect in childhood or youth can actually be a pretty intense case of trauma as well. It's just a type of trauma that is talked about very little.
You don't ever have to apologise for how you look - the information you give is what we're paying attention to and truly intelligence and honesty IS SO BEAUTIFUL. You are amazing, huge hugs xx
I love the purity of needing comfort while you discuss this. Sometimes more polished videos can lose things so never be afraid to be in your pj’s with a cuppa! So happy to see you discovering early memories. I relate in a tiny part as for some reason I have little to no memories of my young childhood. No trauma that I am aware of but I can imagine the sweet relief of gaining that history of yourself! ❤️
I wouldn’t mind if all of her videos were like this!
My mum has DID and I always assumed her trauma has to be super horrific. Few weeks ago I came to the same realisation to not assume her trauma as she was talking about a memory. Your video was great! Congratulations!
My heart strings are pulled. My grandmother adopted me at age six. I have very few memories before then and the ones I do have are not so good. I was actually adopted twice and did not know it until I got my records at age 18. I have few memories. But those little things like peeling carrots and butterflies are the most precious. I am grateful you get to feel that love again. My grandmother also passed on to the heavens. The greatest angels share the sweetest moments with those the love.
You have respect from this OSDD1a girl!
in the childcare course im doing we obviously had to learn a bit about child protection and what trauma informed care is and of course what trauma is. and yeah it can be those big scary things we as adults all think of first but something that can traumatise a child can be as simple as them being scared of the dark and being made to sleep in a dark room every night/naptime and then when they wake up they are still in the dark and then they get the traumatic terrifying anxiety inducing fear. trauma can be as "simple" as that.
one child may get on a rollercoaster and think its the best thing thats ever happened to them ever! while another child sitting next to them, could be traumatised for life by that
A Rollercoaster and Dark Room to sleep in Will NOT cause DID. All children Experience minor scary things. This is caused by Intensely Painful and repetitive Torture. Typically Molestation as well.
I have a degree in child Development and am Clinically diagnosed with DID & Complex PTSD. I am Trauma Therapy twice a week.
@@shatteredbones1048 oh i know, i just meant trauma in general there. however i suppose if someone forced a child highly traumatized to go on a rollercoaster over and over many times over a period of time it could technically have he same effect if the child stayed very fearful of the rollercoaster (theoretically not literally)
@@Amy-ms9nr This is a DID Channel stating "any" Childhood Trauma can Cause DID is ludicrous.
@@shatteredbones1048 she said in the video herself that her grandparents dying could be enough trauma to cause DID.
I love that the boys memories seem to fit their personalities so well! Like Ed helping with cooking (Ed’s video making Sunday dinner is one of my favorites), Jake playing in the pond just being boy, and Jamie helping with the more medical side of things. Just so awesome and I am so happy for you all!
Oh my gosh. We have those moments of "what is time!?!" too 🤣
that is the biggest mood XD
-ren
Seeing you crying from that happy memory brought me to tears. I don't have DID myself nor do I know anyone personally that has it (that I know of), but I love learning more about it through your channel!
That structural dissociation bit where all of you were slightly coherent and different versions of yourself before DID happened is amazing. The idea that the boys were there before they needed to be is comforting
I was sitting here, listening, when she said not to presume someone’s past traumas. And the thought came to me. It’s not our place to assume ANYTHING, we’re here just to listen. It’s not our “job” and, basically, it’s none of our business...
First, NO, it doesn't sound stupid and does not need explaining. You were uncomfortable, period. Thank you for taking the time to re-record this for us.
I am SO glad to hear you all retrieved some good memories and I hope this will help carry you through the bad, knowing that you have many more good yet to be built.
You guys are all so incredibly brave to undertake this journey and I know it will serve you well in the long run. Keep being the wonderful system you are and stay safe 💕
Remembering good memories is one of the best things 😭💜
I've only just started to let myself believe they're real and happened and I was actually there for them and in them...
Hearing you talk about butterflies triggered childhood memories I had forgotten too. My family used to keep plants in the backyard where we'd keep caterpillars and watch them grow until they'd become butterflies, and being able to remember that is truly amazing and a really nice feeling.
I was in a car accident and had long term memory loss and ptsd, I didn't remember much about my childhood and it came back slowly as my brain healed from the trauma it is a very overwhelming experience. But helps soo much too put the pices together more. thanks for your story the butterfly 🦋 story is beautiful. Every time you see a butterfly let you know your grandparents are with you ❤
Pjs and a warm cup of tea are the best!
You’re amazing, Jess. It’s fascinating that the guys also regained memories from those early days. I love that Jamie remembered helping your diabetic grandma - it sounds like him. :D Virtual hugs and best wishes for your continued processing and recovery.
I love that you guys are comfortable opening up, and showing some of the raw footage of what it's like to go through this. I appreciate this channel so much
The ending bit about trauma was good and made sense. Been watching various people with DID and, while I never want someone to share if they aren't comfortable, I couldn't figure out what trauma meant for someone with DID. But trauma to a child can be such various things that it clicked for me, especially about losing someone close. It could be emotional, mental, and/or physical. This was extremely educational to me. Thank you
Some of our earliest memories are of our inner world and co-fronting. Seeing old memories from other alters is so insightful.
TRAUMA IS SUBJECTIVE! What I consider traumatic and what you consider traumatic varies greatly. STOP TRAUMA SHAMING!
Just checking... is this a note to a potential reader/society in general or was that directed to me? 😯
No, it's definitely not directed towards you! It's directed towards anyone that has made you or anyone else feel bad about their trauma! I love your videos!
Sarah Meyer oh phew! I was going to say I promise I said that a couple of times in the video! 🙈 but after watching back I definitely need to make this a common statement in more videos going forward!
@@MultiplicityAndMe TBH I'm totally fangirling right now ! I can't believe you even saw my comment! Your videos are so informative and I'm thinking about using my psych degree to specialize in DID in the future because of you guys and DissociaDID! Thanks so much for everything you do!
It's not stupid Jess, you take care of yourself and that's amazing. You have a lovely, kind, open face.
Hi! I am a 13 year old girl and I already know exactly what I want to do with my life! I’ve always been really confused about want I have wanted to do but once I found out my good friend had DID and watched your videos I knew I wanted to help the DID community even though I don’t have it. I hate how my friend was treated when they told their friends so I have decided to become a therapist/psychiatrist for people with DID and OSDD. :) ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
on image anxiety: i tried to do a "clean with me" video on my other channel. was cleaning and videoing, thinking what music I'd add after, and cane across a dead mouse behind my microwave.
these things happen but i lost it. i stopped the video, i deleted it all, I couldn't stand the thought that people would see it, and what they would think.
for two weeks i was pretty much frozen. stuck in bed, miserable, no signs of life much less doing any of the things i generally want to do.
so yeah. i understand and don't mind if you wear your pj's.
on memories: hugs. so many VR hugs. thats amazing. i can't imagine remembering my childhood. so glad you had a good memory.
That is, sadly, a mood. Thank you for sharing! Made me feel a lil better♡
I'm so happy for you guys! Truly!
I don't have DID, but experienced some mild trauma when I was young. I can barely remember my childhood or youth, all my memories are kind of... flat. Like I'm watching a movie. This always bothered me, especially since the rest of my family has memories from as early as when they were 1 year old. Watching this video makes me hopeful that maybe some day I will get back some more vivid, happy memory as well :)
Keep up the good work and stay healthy! 💖
I don’t think you’re supposed to have memories from when you were 1. From what I’ve learned, you have to develop a good bit of language first. You typically wouldn’t be that far along at the age of 1. Most people’s memories start around age 3 (from what I’ve learned and what others have said about their memories). I have a couple of memories from when I was 2, but I’ve always been a very verbal person. Maybe your family members were advanced in terms of language development.
I’m not a memory expert, so I could be wrong. I minored in psychology and I am a speech-language pathologist, so I do know a little bit about cognitive development and a lot about language development. Of course, researchers find new information about this sort of thing all of the time, so what I was taught might be outdated by now.
As far as the rest of your childhood memories and the trauma, I don’t really have any expertise on that. You could always consult a licensed counselor, therapist, psychologist, psychiatrist, etc. if you have concerns.
@@ErinLastNameRedacted Backing you up on "You could always consult a licensed counselor, therapist, psychologist, psychiatrist, etc. if you have concerns."
With you knowing about language and cognitive development, perhaps you have some thoughts, because we don't know at what age this happened.
We reveal this solely because we want to know at what age this 'probably' happened. Having an idea as to his 'probable' age could help us and our counselor.
We have an age slider 1-4y/o boy that remembers some of the abuse. We are not sure at what age that mother said, "Never tell anyone". He had never even thought of telling anyone, but with the introduction of telling, his reply was, "Why?" As he was in the bathtub, she turned hand-held shower to HOT and sprayed his back, while replying "This is why."
I barely remember my childhood as well also I can't picture things like an image or when I thing of things. It's more like a description like reading a description in a book. When I think of something like a dog for example.
I think about what a dog would look like all black or white with brown spots a tail etc I can draw or describe what I'm thinking but I can't see an image. I think it's called something snd I can't never remember my dreams it sucks
I wonder if a therapist could help with that
I'm not sure where that's from...
Apparently, studies have shown that memory can go as far back as birth; however, with individual claims it is near impossible to validate them...
With individual memories before three/learning to talk it may be difficult to confirm them, but possible. :)
@@5of9 Since language development is so individual it may be - if possible - helpful to ask other adults (relatives/neighbors?) who were around when you were young when you first became verbal/if they noticed odd speech reversement or whether you said something off at some point (children may reveal something without intending to our realising halfway through...)
In my experience (from babysitting) though, the big "Why?"s tend to come around two/three years of age.
Virtual hugs for having to go through that and all the work you are now putting into your healing!!!
So, recovery takes a LOOOOOONNNNGGG time. It doesn’t matter if you have DID or OSDD or any other challenge - it is a journey with lots of hills and valleys, twists and switchbacks and places where you don’t seem to be going ANYWHERE (yikes). That’s why it’s called a journey. Biggest piece of advice: Never give up. Just keep trying.
Listening and watching you remember those memories is so validating. I was recently diagnosed with DDNOS/OSDD a few months ago and I am still wrapping my brain around it. A few weeks ago I got my diaries out (I’ve kept a diary since I was 10 and I am a few months shy of 50.) And flipping through them I noticed so many hints of my condition. Then I came across an entry about my Dad (who was wonderful) and this extremely important and significant event that happened to us I was 23 years old. I had absolutely no memory of it whatsoever and even in the entry I wrote “I will never ever forget this day.” No memory at all and I burst into tears. My therapist and I asked my parts about it and a part who is very scared seems to have kept the memory. My therapist finally convinced this part of I could have a picture of that incident and in a millisecond I saw a pic of my Dad waiting for me at a coffee shop. I burst into tears and was in shock- where did that come from?!??” Did that really happen?!? It was such a flood of emotion. I just wanted share my experience and thank you for sharing yours. As I mentioned I am still wrapping my brain around my diagnosis, but listening to you and your experience makes it easier to understand and accept my diagnosis. Happy New Year and Many Blessings!
integrating memories has always come with grief for us. By now we consider grief as a sign that we are making progress.
Haven't watched past the beginning yet, but don't worry about your appearance Jess! We'd rather you're comfortable than getting triggered by your appearance. And hey, pj's are comfy!
Edit: now that I've watched the rest, I'm so happy for you that you recovered those memories! And thank you for showing us your raw reaction. Good luck to all of you with the journey to uncover more and hopefully heal a bit from them!
This video is everything I needed right now. Although I don't have DID, I was diagnosed with CPTSD and anxiety. I dissociated multiple times over the last few years with memory loss. I just can't remember what I did over 4 to 5 days and its scary! Can't imagine how scary it is with DID. I'm at my grounding stage in therapy and I'm terrified with facing my trauma. But this shows me that even good things can happen, thank you for that!
My psychologist explained recovery in a way that I found reassuring and quite motivating: imagine a graph; the line is gently going up, but it’s not straight, it’s a wavy line - there are ups and downs but ultimately you are progressing. The ups get higher, and so do the downs ❤️
nice image! thankyou for sharing!
I grew up in an abusive home, and therefore don’t have many memories at all of my childhood. Anything before 10, really. But today I stopped by a childhood friend’s house, which I usually do, but she took me into the backyard and everything just flooded back. All the amazing fun memories as a child at her house that I had put away, and I started to cry. It was really amazing. I felt like I had reclaimed a bit of my childhood.
So would you say it was like... a butterfly effect? XD sorry, couldn't resist. I'm so happy for you that you were able to recall some of your history AND that those memories were happy ones. That seems like such an incredible gift.
I relate so deeply to this. I'm in therapy right now for PTSD and I've been recovering memories bit by bit for a while now, but sometimes specific memories can be overwhelming to recover.
It's a pretty universal question for people that comes up eventually in everyone's life if it's better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all, and it seems the mind will find a way to honour whatever the individual decides at that time is the right answer for them. It could change later in life too. The mind is amazing.
I'm happy for you having found access to what sounds like some really beautiful memories. I'm sorry for your loss.
So there was a... butterfly effect?
But in all seriousness, I'm so happy for you guys. You have always been yourself, but now you get to know yourself as well.
I completely understand where you’re coming from when you say that showing your body is triggering! I feel the same. Your PJs are a great choice as well!!
Hopefully you are able to keep remembering things, getting more good memories, and getting the proper therapy for bad memories when they come up. Be safe with it!
I'm so glad that you found a beautiful memory of your grandparents
For us, we were so young when the DID developed that non of us have any pre-DID memories, but we're doing trauma processing in therapy now and there've been some memories trickling in and it's been hard and stressful, but worth it.
Definitely feel you on what is time, I frequently feel that way too. I'm horrible with dates and times and remembering the when of something happening.
So glad to hear that you all are recovering some good memories, that's wonderful to hear. Also, don't worry about how you look Jess, you look fine. We frequently look a mess in our videos. Also, not wanting to be sexualized is completely understandable and valid.
- Kit and others co-conscious
How's your little girl?
She’s honestly perfect ☺️💖 thank you for asking!
@@MultiplicityAndMe so cute! I never doubt that you would be a great mom!
O. M. G. - I am almost 66 years old and finally, a light at the end of the tunnel. So that is what it is called. The single defining incident which characterizes my experience with this issue occurred when I was about 9. My father's aunt and uncle, who we called Pop and Aunt Lois and were grandparent standins visited us and I woke up one morning with a 6 inch long cigar-shaped bruise on the inside of my upper arm. I showed it to my mother, telling her I couldn't remember how I got it. She tutted and ooo'd at it and life went on. Years later, as an adult who had already realized that I had significantly fewer memories of my childhood than any of my friends, my mother told me the story of how my "aunt" had struck me with a broomstick in a drunken rage the evening before. I have always listened to friends go on and on about this or that fun time with their parents or family and realized that I had precious few such memories. I can recall perhaps 10 specific interactions with my father (less than half pleasant) and likely not too many more with my mother. My first real memory comes from when I was a bit more than 2; I remember toddling around inside a circle of adult family and becoming enraged when they laughed at me for saying "pawpul" for purple. I knew they knew what I meant but they were laughing at me! Still remember the RAGE! It makes me wonder what other emotional trauma and abuse was going on....
Don't ever ever ever ever ever apologize about being comfy. Comfy is best. 😋
You don't know how much I needed this today. My host remembered something recently that brought, like, everything flooding back. I had a family I completely forgot about, who were really amazing, and I'm like, "How could I forget about them?" We don't think they're around anymore and that's got me a little down, but my system told me to remember, "They'll always be there when you need them." So, to you all?
They'll always be there when you need them.
And we're here for you too. 🤗
💙 Jordyn
Remembering memories like that must be so relieving in the fact that some positive memories have returned. It’s a step in recovery and healing from trauma. I hope your recovery continues to go well and have a lovely day! Thanks and Smilies!
Whoa... Gives a whole new meaning to the phrase "The Butterfly Effect" in a good way.
It's amazing that you could recover such precious memories. It's very great that you feel comfortable enough to be so vulnerable with your audience. I wish you the best on your continuous journey.
This is honestly so real. Thank you for talking about the blouse Jess. Seems so silly now that woman are so empowered to dress as they want, but sometimes it can still feel overwhelming and uncomfortable and that's okay too!
We all love you so so much here. I'm glad you guys got to remember some good stuff. I'm sorry your appearance affected how you were feeling. I promise you guys that a lot of us get it. Please take care of yourselves and I hope you're doing alright
My partners host alter, i believe, was formed out of his grandmother's love. His first memory was of his grandmother talking with him and holding him as he went to bed, he remembers some traumatic memories from the teen years but his only memories from childhood (where most of his trauma took place) are of his grandmother. This alter is the calmest, most empathetic, tender person you will ever meet. And i like to think it's because of the way his grandmother treated him and how she was a ort of "safe house" for him, and i think that's really beautiful.
this feels like such a strange thing to say but this video hit me in a way i didn’t expect it to! i don’t remember a lot of my childhood (i don’t have DID so for unrelated reasons) and i especially don’t have many “happy memories” or memories that are still happy for me now as an adult if that makes sense, but i do have this one memory of me being sat in one of them plastic garden chairs on a sunny day, i think it might have been a bbq or something, and i was at my granny and grandpas house and i seen this butterfly, and i remember holding my hand out and the butterfly landed on my finger, and i didn’t want to say anything incase i scared it away so i was just sat there dead quiet like fully amazed at this butterfly on my finger and idk it is just a cute memory, i think i must have been a similar age like between 5 and 8 because i remember the chair i was sat in felt sooo big, just so strange to watch somebody else’s memory with so many weird similarities!! made me a bit emotional like how weird
Talk about a butterfly effect.
Congratulations! I'm so happy for you!
Thank all of you for your authenticity and strength. I'm processing and coming to terms with a lot. Your channel has been a blessing.
You don't have to worry about looking perfect on camera. You are a perfect human ❤️. I have terrible memory (not sure if I have a disorder or just typical bad memory) but remembering good memories are always the best feeling.
It's great that you all got to remember happy things! ❤️ Also, it's so cool that almost everyone has their own memories pre-DID.😱
This sort of happens to us too! In a way anyway... When I look back on my life I can think of times where it may have been one of my alters fronting instead of me. (Because that part of my life doesn’t seem real even though I know it happened.) And then sometimes while an alter is fronting or even just around they will share a memory with me (good or bad) and then I’ll be like “that makes so much sense now!” .... I’m so glad you got to remember the good memories with your grandparents! -The Wonderland System-
I’m really, really thankful for your channel. When I watched your video on flashbacks and panic attacks with Jamie, I just broke down crying. Crying with a sort of relief that other people experience this too. Something this intense. We’ve recently been able to talk about my trauma for the first time. With the help of your channel, I was able to do that. I didn’t feel alone anymore. Thank you so much. To everybody. To Jess, Jamie, Jake, Ed and Ollie, and even to Gaz.
I’ve been meeting lots of the OSDD-1b criteria. But our therapist doesn’t believe that DID/OSDD is real. So we can’t get the help we need, and we have to keep seeing this therapist. It’s quite frustrating but we’ll pull through.
That's mind blowing 🤯 that you each have memories of when you were age 5! Then.... when you experienced your trauma at age 6 the segments (I always think of your 🍊 orange metaphor) didn't join together so you kept those alters. I'm sorry that you had to experience something bad but, I'm glad your body and mind protected you. 💕
thank you so much, Jess, for being so brave to share these beautiful memories with us! I am so, so happy for you all that these memories came back!
The mention of 'that could've been enough on its own for someone to develop DID' was really really affirming, I've gotta say. We often feel like, because our trauma that we know of isn't as bad as it could have been and that our communication with each other isn't as bad as it could be, that we must somehow be making this up. It's helpful and refreshing to hear someone in your situation assert that what would be considered traumatic, or 'traumatic enough' to cause DID, will differ from person to person.
Also-- that Night Time tea is one of our favourite teas ever! Sometimes it's all that can get us to sleep, haha. cheers 💙
I don't have DID, but I have almost no memories of 2013, i only remember that i played an online game that year, that's it. When people talk about what happened that year, I feel like I wasn't there... And i have no idea why, and I'm honestly kinda scared of thinking about it too much... Because there might be things I'm glad I don't remember
You weren't on any medication were you? My bf lost almost an entire year to beta blockers - really scary!
Wait same, also 2013
@@LizTiddington I honestly don't remember, but I know that the year prior I started getting bad migraines, so the only medication I think I was taking were painkillers... But I was 10 that year so I don't think I was taking anything... But I think I should ask my mom about that someday
Dissociation happens for a lot of people, even singlets like me. I've got a very big blank between age 24-28, with really vague attachment to any real memories in that time.
Don't be scared of it; you're here now. Keep it in your side eye and if you decide to seek help down the road that's great too 😊
you’re not alone. i don’t have DID either but i do have c-ptsd due to repeated childhood trauma from the ages of 5-14. since i began dissociating around the age where normal children begin to retain information, i have no memory at all of what i was like as a child up until adolescence. the blanks in my memory are super isolating considering everybody around me is obsessed with nostalgia and reflecting on the past but slowly things are starting to come back and i’m recovering more and more about my life everyday. if your brain has suppressed trauma from a certain time period, you’re probably not ready to face and process it yet. give it time. talk to someone when you’re ready to try.
People tell me that our mom leaving is not enough trauma. She was our pillar and needed her. Yeah there are things from moments helping us.
I'm so happy for you to have found some of what was lost! I definitely teared up a bit😢
I am so honoured that you shared this. Remembering is hard enough for people without did, and you remembered a happy time, happy moments with your grandparents. I am so proud and happy for you, and if we knew each other, we were in the same country, and there was no social distancing, I would have given you a big hug. 🤗🤗🤗
This was so encouraging to me. I'm still in the stabilization phase of treatment, and the thought of beginning to process trauma and recover memories is overwhelming. But it gives me hope that healing is possible, one day, with great care and tender patience with myself.
Jamie suggesting medical history is a very doctor thing.
Also thank you so so much Jess and fam for bringing us along with you on the journey! I truly hope that saying that this is fascinating to hear and learn about doesn’t come across as disrespectful to your remembering your loss in anyway.
Thanks again for all that you do! ❤️
Edit: “It’s strange to be healing” is such an incredibly powerful quote for those dealing with mental health struggles. 🙏
Your process is so beautiful. I’ve found for myself that these good memories are so beautiful it’s painful. Remembering the people who cared for us and created knowledge of safety for us is so incredible. Goodness is so much more powerful than badness.
I love how open and honest you are with us, thank you ❤ And I think you look absolutely stunning without makeup, I do not think you need it really ☺ You don't need to apologize for how you look because that is the real you and there is nothing more beautiful than that ❤
Thank you so much, we just got out of hospital a couple of hours ago, no trauma is to small, our first trauma was being born 3 months premature, you guys have given me hope for us to live ❤️
- Leslee (host)
Omg the memory thing is real!!!! It's a real thing! I always said that my memories were locked away but really just thought I had a terrible long term memory. But it's a real thing!!! Memories locked away is a real thing! It's real! I'm not alone!
Thank you! Thank you for this! Thank you! Omg thank you! I'm crying I'm so happy! It's a real thing! It's real!
I loved the casual chat. I'm glad to hear that you are accessing positive memories and I hope and pray that your journey continues to bring you healing. Thanks for including us in your journey, I love watching your videos! ❤
Elated for you, dear friends. Be always kind and gentle to yourselves.
I don’t have DID but I am currently being assessed as I have issues and mild amnesia because of trauma in my later teen/ early adult years. Getting a diagnosis is such a long process and I’m so tired but watching you all help me power through and realise that one day I will get a diagnosis and I will get the right help and support! Thank you for being so honest and open with everyone ☺️
"6 weeks..?..7 weeks.....?.8 wee-WhAT IS TIMEE" I felt this just a little too hard. I'm so proud of you guys and how far you have come though!
Wow! This is so sweet and thank you for allowing us to snuggle in with you and be on this intimate journey with you. I think we have all come to care deeply about you all, and progress although can be difficult is so beautiful! I had to watch twice though haha. Once to listen and once to read everything.
Hey Jess and the rest of Multiplicity & Me :)
Your ability to articulate and describe what is no doubt a profound and personal experience is incredibly moving and powerful. I'm so pleased you've reached (in your own words) this important milestone and had the courage to share this with us and provide useful information to educate people about DID.
As a newfound ally who has spent the last few months or so immersing myself in the disorder your videos have been immensely helpful and I just want to thank you for your candor and your commitment to providing content.
Do take care of your mental health and I'm sending good wishes to the boys, your husband and your amazing daughter who will grow up with one incredible mother to take care of her ♡
I truly do believe that when we're kids, we have different parts that yet to have come together, parts that either join or drift off as we mature and discover who we are. Hearing your story, it just makes too much sense and it's honestly beautiful how well your different parts could be seen pre-DID and that those parts are still with you. You guys have come so far and I'm so happy and proud of you
I cannot tell you how much you have helped me accept my own disorders, and admit that it's okay to feel this way. There are reasons I can't remember things, there are reasons why my brain does seemingly odd things to protect me.
I cannot thank you enough for your content, truly. You are such a beautiful being.
wow the memories you each got sound like they shaped each of your personalities. collecting bugs with grandpa is such a male thing and shaving carrots with grandma could be why ed loves cooking and helping with meds clearly shaped jamies love of medicine
This video is amazing. It reflects a part of the timeline of the form of this diversity that connects us all.
I'm a singlet learning about DID and the first thing that I learnt was to understand that there was a configuration of mind very different from mine in a specific way that I assumed just "normal" or universal. And I feel like I'm really opening my mind to a bigger idea of the world that involves systems, plural people. This also teaches me a lot about myself, even if it seems weird, but it does.
But in the path of opening my mind this way, I forgot that multiplicity in adulthood is something that happens, so at some point we were exactly the same (about this). And the most interesting part is that we weren't singulars and then you became plurals, but we were all plurals and then I became singular. This is awesome. It takes me way way back and I realize how some parts of myself never became completely coherent. And I see how a lot people (singlets) are not coherent either. This is rich.✨
Thank you very much for sharing, Jess. And I love the pyjamas and tea style, it makes me feel cozy and close. 💜💜💜💜
You have absolutely nothing to apologize about, Jess. The most important thing is that you feel comfortable and okay, especially in an episode surrounding something so vulnerable and raw. (Besides, you look lovely with and without makeup!)
I so wish I could give you all the biggest hug! 🥺 It can't be easy recording those vulnerable, scary, hard to navigate moments....so thank you for giving us a look behind the curtain. It's powerful and very helpful! 💜💕💚
Jess,
I want to congratulate you for being so honest, clear, educative, and brave. The mere fact that you get out of your way to educate us on DID and its genuine, human, flesh-and-blood implications, beyond what a psychology book says, is so touching and marvelous! I, for one, am very grateful for your efforts to demystify DID and letting us have a real look at what it entails and feels like.
I know your husband has given you lots of hugs because of this recent milestone of yours, but I want to send my virtual ones. Again, thank you for your bravery! I was deeply touched by how your grandparents had such a profound impression on you. So much so that it survived all the bad and came through at the right time to comfort and heal you!
As we say in America, "keep on trucking." You are a blessing to all of us!
Someone that drowns in a pool of water is just as dead as someone that drowns in the ocean. Trauma is not a competition nor is it linear! Everyone stay safe!
Honestly so so happy for you and the progress you've made! I can't imagine how much courage and effort and commitment you've put into your mental health to get this far. It's such an inspiration for anyone recovering to see such a concrete milestone.
Never seen any "ugly tear" in my life.
And those ones are clearly beautiful
So glad for you all! Our lovely friends who are Systems and their paramour who is also a System will be so happy to know maybe its not all evil awful things no one should have had to go through, maybe some of it was so beautiful they hid it away to keep it safe and themselves safe 💜
Thank you all
Don’t worry about looking perfect on camera. I also understand the worry about being s*xualized, especially after what happened to me. You’re not alone. Sending my love 💚
Jess, Thank you for sharing those memories with all of us. My system loved and thought of my grandparents as second parents recently passed which brought one our parts out of dormancy. We all loved both sets of grandparents dearly. In fact she has an accent like him, even though he's Irish and we grew up in America. They bonded and always had amazing conversations about how precious life is and he was also a WWII veteran. I chocked up several times and cried with you. It's still very raw for me, too. Pheww....gonna have to go grab tissues!! Not having my grandparents in my life still feels like a big hole in my heart. Cheers to you and the boys for remembering those memories. :) June
Jess, never apologize for refilming if something in the video makes any of you guys feel uncomfortable or triggered. You are so beautiful, with or without makeup and with our without a new top! You deserve to feel safe and happy when you upload videos to TH-cam, and if the video doesn’t make you feel that way, then you should never force yourself to do it. You guys have been through so much. Minimizing your own feelings or insecurities by saying they’re “silly” will not be tolerated! You tell everyone that their feelings are valid, and now I’m telling you that YOUR feelings are valid! I love you! 💕
I am finding myself going back to your videos, i sont know if you will ever read this. I will start trauma therapy very soon after being diagnosed with dissociation and childhood amnesia. I hope what i will find are happy memories as you have. I know these wont be the only memories that will come back and i am terrified of the others my brain decided to block out. I am hoping i can accept my journey with the grace and kindness you have given yourself and find another me on the other side of it. ❤️🩹🤍