Oh gosh, the 'needs to contribute in class and be more confident comments' plagued me throughout school! Having kind and understanding teachers really helped. I just didn't want to talk it was so nerve racking!
Girls are socialised to be quiet, passive, submissive, and simultaneously punished for it. A bit crazy. It’s kinda frustrating tbh how autism is said to “present differently” in girls when all the traits are literally just the effects of patriarchal thinking.
@@RK-ej1to Talking to people is underrated actually, it's a lot more fun once you are past being kids. I lacked confidence when I was afraid of my peers, now I realise their opinions don't matter and there is no consequences to being outgoing about the things I like
I hear that…they all said I was well behaved but “doesn’t participate in class”….yeah because I would not talk as from what I’ve read I probably had selective mutism. I could talk, but in public and in school I couldn’t. As far as I know I’m not autistic diagnosed, but at times I wonder if I am, but learned to mask it as a kid eventually and now I can talk anywhere and everywhere to anyone, but am still pretty quiet if I’m in a group I don’t feel comfortable in.
Sam, we are about the same age. I got the “quiet”, “lacks confidence” “needs to speak up more in class” comments. And the very noticeable social difficulties: “needs to work on making friends” and “puts herself on the outside of social groups”. LIKE I HAD A CHOICE!! I now know I had anxiety and depression from the age of about 8 to 16 but it seems back then in the UK such things were thought not to affect kids. I hope to goodness it’s different now but I suspect a lot of kids are still having a rough time. That upsets me.
I'm currently a teen and one of my earlier teachers refused to give me difficult math(keep in mind that this was a school I switched to mostly to get more difficult subjects, very specifically math) and said that I had to focus on social relationships and friendships at school instead. So he essentially took away to fun part of one of my main two interests at the time(history and math. I've also always really loved reading, but that interest got more important that year and on.
I even got that "be social directive" in a special ed class which was nearly all boys and I was plainly told "no girls allowed". Like, really? How on earth is a 6-8 year old girl supposed to overcome that sort of obstacle on her own? Without getting in trouble? You can't. Because where there are groups of boys in a class, there's usually an expectation that you do stuff that gets you in trouble (often for good reason) if you want to be friends with them. And since the one thing I picked up that could have made me cool with the boys and that I could have done at that age was licking knives (safely and carefully so you don't get cut), that's kind of a non-starter as the teacher would surely have grabbed the knife out of my hand if I did that in class. If I was lucky. And you kind of have to succeed at the things you get in trouble in and not have those attempts immediately shut down if you want that to work.
Ugh I got the needs to be more outgoing/speak up more... but then when I TRIED to speak up more I got told off for talking out of turn or saying the wrong thing!
It's annoying and stupid that rather than learning well, in a place of learning, it is seen as a deficit to not want to join a club or hang out with random strangers when you could be doing something useful. That there must be something wrong with YOU if you tell an authority "I don't like anyone, they're idiots/malicious/they don't like me so why try?". For some reason larger society cannot leave well enough alone and is largely incapable of taking anything you say seriously if your main stance is "go away".
I was a “pleasure to have in class” as a young child and grew into a “wasting their potential” teen. My mother actually attempted to have me assessed at age 5 but I was such a “good student” in kindergarten that the doc refused. But I didn’t make a friend until the last day of school, and I was quietly terrified of everything and everyone except the library. If only they could see past the “good student” stuff in childhood, they wouldn’t have called me a “lazy and rebellious teen” as I got older. I wouldn’t have such low self esteem as young adult, who is now only able to gain confidence by accepting who I am. I was struggling to fit into a world that didn’t even see me, let alone accept and/or support me, I wasn’t “wasting my potential”. We were all just trying to survive and meet their expectations of us, which always seemed out of our grasp. 💜
Thank you for saying/posting this. It just as easily could have come from me or others watching this video, but to read it from someone else, well it just makes me feel less "unusual" or "weird". As I mentioned in my comment above, I started self medicating to get through school. My goal, like yours, was simply to get the spotlight off of me and fall off their radar. As you stated very well, survive! My self-esteem was also shredded by these experiences. Yes, I do still have issues, but I am much better now. Being diagnosed made me realize that there is nothing really wrong with me, but that I simply process information differently than others. It was also at that point that I got extremely pissed off at the system that put me and countless others through Hell.
I could have written these exact words. I’m 41 now, just realised a week ago that I am autistic and have ADHD. Life has been hell. All the signs were there, but nobody cared in school ot at home since I was gifted and goot good grades. I was, and have always been, completely dysfunctional as a person. Didn’t even see myself as part of humanity. Since everybody told me I should be able to do anything since I was so smart, but I felt incapable of doing anything at all, I concluded as a child that it must be my fault then. I must be worthless. And that started a shame monster that took over and ruined my life. When I was 5 I was married to the girl next door and she protected me when kids were mean to me. Then she died suddenly, and I remember thinking that I was all alone in the world now, could trust no one and had to rely on only myself. And that’s what happened, from age 5. Never got any help to deal with her death, and no help in school with anything at all, even though I was clearly fucked up. No guidance counseling, even though I was clearly completely disinterested in school and could never answer the question what do you want to be when you grow up. No intervention, even though I had clear ADHD signs and was socially awkward as hell.. When I started university I just sat at home, paralyzed, uninterested, and then my best friend died in a car accident and nobody mentioned I should get therapy for it, and since I was already so fucked up then, i never got any help. instead I dropped out of school, let my ADHD side take over and decided that life was short and should be lived hard while you still can. Moved to another country, became a nomad, started doing extreme sports and only working a couple months at a time. The whole time, being completely dysfunctional with executive functions that just didn’t function at all, leading to the shame monster just growing and growing until I had to hide all of myself, all the time. Now I’m completely burned out, and am realising how everyone around me failed me so completely as a child that it fucked me up, so badly that I was doomed long before I became an adult. Imagine if they’d at least caught the ADHD, so I wouldn’t have had to live with completely non functioning executive functions my whole life, and wouldn’t have had to hate myself for it. All of this is so hard to take in.
That's it: there should be a system that books an Autism assessment whenever a teacher describes them as "conscientious". I got that year after year. So many of your reports sound like mine. Why isn't anyone looking at the bigger picture so I don't have to wait until I'm 38 to find out what the situation actually is?
When I started school, kids were tested beforehand for everything. My autism was missed, as I'm missing some symptoms. For my adhd, my parents were told that I won't need help, as I'm intelligent enough to compensate. My parents still insist that I don't need therapy, as intelligent people don't need psychological help.
@@EdwardRoss what bugs me most is that we know someone with paranoid schizophrenia, and my parents see nothing wrong with treating her with meds. But I'm pretending to be stupid if I'm trying to get my adhd treated, or even think about getting an autism diagnosis (I get the autism part, at this point I've been told by 3 experts that I don't have autism. First, I was talking, second, I'm female and third I'm a migrant, each ruling out a diagnosis)
@@EdwardRoss I'm already in therapy for adhd, now it's about figuring out which med helps. With autism, I wait until some friends pay me back, as the autism expert recommended to me won't be paid by my insurance (to be fair, they did pay for previous experts I've visited)
@@OrafuDa I got kicked out of class in science for “challenging” the teacher with what is now considered flat earth theory. He had a globe out the front and was explaining our trip around the sun. I interrupted him and was like wait…. So if we are facing that way in summer and the opposite direction in winter… then why do we see the same stars? The topic wasn’t meant to be about stars. He couldn’t answer me and he sent me out of the room and gave me lunch time detention LOL all my teachers were walking past me standing outside the teachers staff room for detention and every single teacher would come up to me and be like Danielle how are you?! What are you doing here? And I’d be hand singling “I’m not allowed to talk!” And the teacher watching us would be glaring at me not to talk to the teachers who all wanted to know why I was on detention 😂🤣😂🤣😂
This was so very much my experience in the first couple of years in school. Although I eventually learned to not-blurt, I still couldn't keep myself from raising my hand fastest-firstest, and of course having the correct answer. I did wonder why everyone else was so slow to give a correct answer, and why were they all looking scornfully at me? For smartz, I was ahead of my classmates, and yet when it came to timed tests, I always fell behind and faltered because my mind was trying to go out for a walk when I was supposed to focus on a boring task/test. (It wasn't challenging enough to keep me engaged.) The most common comments on my report cards: # 1 "Not completing class work / homework in a timely manner." # 2 "Not working to potential."
@beautiful awakening: You're not the only one to challenge a teacher. 👍 I was compelled to bring a Golden Delicious apple to class after my fist grade teacher marked on my page "wrong" that I had colored the apple yellow. I did offer that she didn't have to mark the other students wrong if they didn't know about yellow apples, but I insisted that she rescind her errant marking on my page. And she did. 😁
Had my private autism assessment today .....and I can now say officially...I am autistic! 44 years old, and a lot of years trying to be listened to! Hasn't quite sunk in yet!
Nearly made me cry too Sam. Those could have been my reports you were reading. I struggled horrendously too. My heart bleeds for our autistic child selves. How different things could have been if we had been diagnosed early. At least earlier than 49 (for me), lol. Much love to your inner child. I hope she has found some healing through your exorcism of old reports.
This has made me cry. My school reports were virtually the same "she has stopped working this term and NEEDS to pick herself up".. Yes thank you I will at age 14 pick myself up from extreme anxiety and an eating disorder and constant burnouts and meltdowns, had not even thought of picking myself up, so helpful.. I also dropped out immediately after starting a high academic course after high school because I was already burning out at week 1 and could not handle the change and the social interactions. Teachers there said "are you sure because we can see that you can do this" and I was like no no I cannot. I have the brains to do it but I cant remain in such a high pressure environment. I have now at age 23 started studying again, and am struggling to keep these thoughts and expectations of myself away.. Its crazy how teachers don't realise how many people they affect for life because they're "gifted" or "so brilliant" and they think that good results = easy life ...
I had a very similar experience in school. I hardly ever spoke because by the time I felt I had a proper addition to the conversation the moment was gone. It never occurred to me to make my facial expressions match my feelings so I was always misinterpreted. After being made fun of I had to remember to make my arms move when I walked. I was brought into a counselors office several times with my mother hearing comments like "shy and retiring". I dreaded school. In first grade I had a teacher who I adored. Then one day she had me come to the classroom during recess. She proceeded to start yelling at me about a spelling assignment. Then she threw my spelling book across the room while demeaning me. My entire life I felt like I must be the only one in the world like this. I just lived with it. Once my mom told me "you just better snap out of it". Thankfully there were some nice kids and later teachers who were kind to me. I don't like parties and am happier when alone. I don't want to be alone, but it easier being alone. I always felt I had to act like a normal human being because it didn't come naturally. I am 63 and just now through TH-cam and an online test am realizing I have many autistic traits. People always make the assumption that I must be gay and because I am alone. Once, a girl who I had nice conversations with tried to fix me up with a dude. Just shoot me. When autism was portrayed in the media long ago they always used the extreme. Basically never making eye contact and screaming when something was too loud. For years I never remotely thought I might be autistic. I did come out of it with a good sense of humor though.
This sounds horrible :'( I'm amazed I made it through school and finished two studies after high school. Funny, my boyfriend also had the arm-thing when walking, only because others thought it weird did he start moving them more ~ I've been wondering if he's one of us for a while now, maybe he'll get himself tested one day ^^
This was absolutely my experience. I know the 70s/80s was a different time but I’m still shocked at the glaringly obvious signs I was struggling and that not one teacher was like “hm, let’s dig into this a little deeper”. Even as a painfully shy child, I was advocating for myself left and right, and it ended up feeling like I was caught in a bad dream where I was speaking but no one could see or hear me. Through immense effort (mostly internal effort that no one could see, so on the surface it appeared that success came easy for me) I achieved relative success in life. But literally every single step was so difficult for me; just getting through a day was difficult. Finally after decades of striving and masking, I could no longer do it anymore. The old formulas I’d figured out that helped me appear”normal” just did not work. Now I’m in the liminal space between knowing I can’t live the way I did before, but not knowing how to exist (in terms of work, relationships, etc) or move forward. In school I was also extremely polite and agreeable, but, because I wasn’t getting good grades (combination of neurodivergent and lack of support at home), I was labeled a “bad kid”, and placed in the LD classes, even though I did not have a learning disability. I ended up slipping through the cracks and just biding my time to get through school. I didn’t graduate with my class, finished at summer school and tried to find my own way in the world that was anything but the usual path.
The common thing teachers were explicitly taught at the time was "kids will do well if they want to" Contrast that to "kids will do well if they can" aka if they're struggling it's not a motivation issue, there's something in the way (skills, resources, etc)
Your story is so similar to mine ..no one looked for autism in the 70’s and 80’s especially in girls and my school days were thoroughly miserable. I’m seeking diagnosis at 51 because like you I have no idea how to be or how to cope now I can’t mask any more ..it’s like trying to fix a car but you only have the repair manual for a bicycle …someone needs to help us find the right instructions
Eerily similar to my own experience... Things I found helpful: 1. Watching that scene from Good Will Hunting in which Robin Williams tells Matt Damon that it's not his fault, and then having an unexpected breakdown. 2. Meditating on the Inner Child and imagining myself as the adult she needed back then -- it feels a bit wibbly-wobbly timey-wimey but the knight in shining armour that you always wished for is you. 3. Looking through a list of traits to figure out who I actually am, beneath the mask. 4. Being mindful of all the things I do which feel inauthentic and gradually phasing them out of my behaviour. 5. Learning about repressed emotions, and how to regulate and express them in a healthy way (still working on that). 6. Moving on from people who ignore/abuse/exploit me, as they're a waste of time and energy. 7. Getting a support worker! 8. Finding a _good_ therapist -- most are garbage but it's worth it to keep searching for the right one. 9. Listening to or reading about other people who've had similar experiences. 10. Going back to university to get a degree in psychology now that I finally understand how I learn. It's never too late. 11. Making a list of my rights as a human being, or at least a list of all the things no-one else has a right to take from me or do to me. 12. Writing -- whether it's journaling or noveling it helps to put your thoughts in physical form. If all else fails, write everything out on post-it notes and stick them to a handy wall/window/fridge so you can organize them objectively. Remember, your experience is valid and you deserve compassion. 💛
I was put into a LD class in Jr High. The kids there were nice to me except for one bully. When they realized I did not need to be there I was put back into regular english class. I started answering test questions with Monty Python quotes so they would put me back.
When I was in first grade. I was dealing with autism, ADHD, Bi Polar, dislexia, and PTSD. got exspeled from two schools. At the third school, I finally got a teacher who understood me. After I had her in grades 1-3. Everything went down hill fast till I graduated testing 10% in Reading and less than 20% in math and English. Didn’t know my true diagnosis till college. It took 9 years to graduate from a two year college. But I did it
I was lucky enough to have the most lovely teachers growing up. I had a teacher in fourth grade (Ms Connie) who was really supportive of my quietness. In my final year at primary school, she even sent me a handwritten letter about how much I'd grown and that I didn't have to be loud and talkative in order to matter. We still have it framed to this day. I think Ms Connie is why I became a teacher myself, to be honest.
The auditory processing thing is exactly my experience as well. The listening exercises in language classes have always been a horror for me (in every language by the way), especially in these really low-quality phone call simulations. I usually cannot understand more than half of it.
☝️at a point I thought I was going deaf or some extra terrestrial waves were interfering with the signals. My classmates understood the audio recordings and even answered questions while I just stood there wondering if they had received transcripts earlier and didn't inform me!
She described it so well. I didn’t know why I did so bad in French when language was my natural talent (at least that’s what I thought 😅). English is my second language and I was great at both Spanish and English, but French… ugh. I also only do well in English tests if it’s written. Interesting
And still today even in 2021, THE INTERNATIONAL ENGLISH tests have Listening component where the native speakers fast and these tests assess the English proficiency of (non natives of English )students. Some NT do it better even though they are newly learning the language. But for Autistic students, it creates stress and the intelligent ones fall through (get bored or can't follow after 2 minutes because they play 5 minute dialogue and ask questions what person 1 thought and what person 2 said and blah... There is a writing component thankfully but scores are important in both components.
My reports always said I was diligent and quiet. A 'no problem girl". Yet, I never did my speaking assignment for my final exams. Did the teacher say anything? Nope. He didn't when I failed to chose a date, didn't inquire about my topic, my progress, anything. I was the quiet girl, the one not demanding attention. That didn't mean I didn't need it. I was terrified of public speaking. Couldn't find a subject, despite having many ideas. Struggled to ask for help (understatement). But since I was the girl who always hid at the back of the class, I guess I was easy to ignore. 35 years later this still hurts.
Wow I just can't stop crying. I have a massive school trauma despite having "so much potential". I even ended up home educating my own 2 young kids (who also show signs of neurodivergence) I love how much empathy you show for the young Sam who has gone through all this. PS I really can't wait for your video on Pride and Prejudice.
Neurodivergent parents who put in the work to home school their children impress me so much. It makes me cry to think of how I could have been if I hadn't been put through that hell. My school was much less prestigious than Sam's but had exactly the same attitude. The message was always MASK HARDER, FEEL NOTHING, BE EXCELLENT. I went through homeschooling for two years in Elementary because I couldn't get along with my teacher who was a real macho asshole and it was fine. I wanted more socialization but not like I got at school. Sigh.
After deciding not to have kids, in my 50s I found myself in a job that involved going into primary school classrooms. Much had changed, and diversity was often emphasized, but I noted how much focus the staff put into managing the groups of kids. So yes, "unfailingly pleasant and courteous" is a lot to put on a child, and does set them up for failure. And sadly, a lot of that is put there for the benefit of the supervising adults. IMO, a lot of the advice in those evaluations is oriented toward making students into the type of pupil the teacher prefers to teach. Talks enough but not too much, etc. Which flies in the face of supporting diversity. In my day (bitterness alert), "gifted" generally meant "we can just hand them work and forget about them" and "troublemaker" (behavioral issues) meant "we are really resentful of this kid for selfishly taking up all our time." Most of my behavioral issues were avoidance -- and to be fair to my teachers, I know I was like herding cats. I was always considered smart, I guess because I had a good vocabulary and was reasonably articulate. But I was anything but self-supervising: I needed help, but didn't ask and never got it. And I think my mother recognized my problems with being overwhelmed, and responded by letting me miss a LOT of days of school -- which probably kept me from melting down, but certainly didn't help me keep up with classes. The upshot was that I left high school at least as formally undereducated as the "problem" kids -- and with what I now realize was similarly low self-esteem. To this day I have avoided sharing my academic "credentials" with anyone. This is one reason I went into art-related work -- you could show a portfolio, rather than submit a resume.
And here I am replying to my own post: I just looked at my first paragraph and realized I sound just like my mother, who was a primary school teacher before I was born, and did a little after. I wish I could remember the things she talked about regarding her time as one, but the gist I do recall is that she talked about working with the kids who were struggling, and was generally unhappy with the adults who she thought contributed to those struggles. I am going to throw this into the pot of memories I’ve accumulated as I try to figure out what kinds of ND she was.
Both elementary schools I went to denied my disability accommodations. The first school effectively told my mom and I "We don't care. Be normal, or else", while the other told my mom, to her face, that I'm stupid. I'm now an electrical engineer, and I make three times their salary.
I'm another somewhat older one, growing up in the late seventies and eighties (graduated in 1992). My school reports are a constant cry for help. They sound somewhat like Sam's, though a bit more extreme in a lot of cases. I was identified "gifted" in kindergarten, though (I found out much later) this was partly because the school wanted to have me assessed for ADHD (and you know that if they were starting that expensive process spontaneously within weeks of my entering my first year of schooling I had to have been an odd and difficult duckie indeed.) Girls, of course, couldn't be autistic back then, especially if they were articulate. My mother stopped the process because she considered it to be insulting--no one explained the questions or the reasoning behind them to her. It was always, shes so bright, but, and the BUT got bigger and bigger as I progressed through grade and middle school and only started resolving a bit as I got into high school--at which point I had learned, somewhat, to advocate for myself--I remember arguing for a study hall "because I was taking a lot of difficult courses". I always felt like the stupidest smart kid--the other gifted kids were always doing these fantastic projects and I was in the pullout classroom learning how to cope with existing in the scheduled, social, loud world of school.
"Stupidest smart kid." Yes this was definitely me. I outperformed all my peers on my final exams but it was only because they took my highest marks and dropped the lowest. My special interests carried me somehow through it but I was extremely unhappy and I still have nightmares about being sent back to high school to this day (I'm nearly 40).
@@wiegraf9009 My school dreams now mostly consist of not realizing I've been assigned a class until the first day and having to get up in front of a class full of students in an inappropriately sized room with no textbook or syllabus.
I am 43 and I come from post communist country. I was always considered a gifted child and got diagnosed with ADHD and ASD after 40. We didn't have the orals and I think there was just one hour long parent meeting a semester where all of the parents were present. There was 32 of us in class. I didn't even got the written assessments. I was mostly just overlooked or flat out ignored. I wasn't anxious too much but I was very dissociated because I had some abuse at home. As a result I never learnt how to teach myself or how to have the discipline. I later dropped out of high school and had a lot of problems down the road. I had a lot of shame around it but lately I am starting to understand that I was robbed, that it wasn't normal and it was definitely not my fault. I am so happy that kids today at least have a chance.
@@darklittlepeople Awww sending you one back! 🤗 I was able to really better my situation after the diagnoses. I am now taking meds for ADHD and it is making wonders for me. I hope you are better too! Thank you! 😄
@@MerryMoss Awww thank you! 🧡 My life in general is a testament on how attention and care is important througout in life and especially in childhood. It would save a lot of pain if we were able to emphatize with and help kids that need it.
My experience similar too I was abused and blamed at home my mother was so narcissistic said horrible things to me. I had problems at school had 32 other students there and one teacher it was a nightmare I often left sat struggling to do school work I ended up messing around because teacher couldn’t help me as they said got 32 students to teach it was so annoying and I was often so bored I had roll paper and sneak throwing them on teachers back quite funny and at times I stuck drawing pins in teachers chair that was funny teachers never seen me threw balls paper at them the boys used get blamed as teachers thought it was them that did it. I was very sneaky type the only thing I got Into trouble with is fighting when trying fight with bullies. I was very defensive type at school I used to punch bullies for shy students I was like a Amazon warrior had a lot friends and I diagnosed high functioning autistic too but had a smart way to socialize well I wasn’t keen on team sports I found that difficult but could talk a lot I think I got ADHD too but never got diagnosed of that I have a monkey mind of ADHD disorganized along with autistic mind special talents gifted mind. I mentioned part a ADHD to a doctor said I struggle with executive cannot organize or stick to tasks he said really and seemed shocked a bit I replied yes he didn’t go any further than that.
Oooh this one hit home! Seeming mature, not participating in class discussions, being quiet… the times I’ve been told these things! After years of seeing different therapists, I finally got diagnosed with autism this week, which explains all of the problems I‘ve been dealing with for all of my life, especially back in school. I feel like i’m finally getting to know myself and I keep finding so many hints of my autism in my past. I really want to thank you for your videos! They helped me A LOT during the diagnostic process, especially when it came to putting my experiences into words. You‘re absolutely amazing. Looking forward to the release of your workbook. Have a great week! 💜
Congratulations on your diagnosis! I'm also really excited about the workbook (hoping there's an accessible version). Haven't gone for an AS diagnosis myself - but it took me 12 years to get my EDS diagnosis, so I'm really unsure about taking up another long fight
15:55 Oh! That's why I have to watch TV with subtitles! It sort of feels like I'm straining my eyes and ears to hear and lipread properly but when I'm able to look at the subtitles allows me to sort of relax more
My reports never had such distinct descriptions of a student. In america, it's about shoving kids through the system with the only attention being paid (and even then, not a lot) toward making sure they have the minimal required skills to function in the next year's classes. We get things about as descriptive as "needs improvement" and "pleasure to have in class" and that's it
This was so interesting and now I want to dig up my own old reports :D I remember certain buzzwords like "stubborn", "shy", "slow" and "So much potential iiiiif nooooot foooor bla bla bla". Also, CONGRATS on the workbook!! It will help so many people, thank you!
I was the "always a pleasure to teach." I was almost always quiet and observant. I was a lover of learning so I enjoyed class and the teachers loved me. Got a good bit of the "needs to contribute more." Timed tasks have always been a major stressors for me. I remember having a cry in some cases. A lot of what you had said of you reflects what was said of me.
I recently had a look at some of my old school reports, from nursery and most of primary school; even as young as 3, and in every one of these reports, there was comments about me being easily distracted, distracted others and "she really needs to try harder to stay on task"... I'm now 28 with a recent autism diagnosis and lookng into getting an ADHD assessment.
I was diagnosed with ADHD at 7, and 44 now and recently diagnosed AuDHD. A lot of these are similar to what I received over the years. I was quiet and didn't talk much but obsessed with certain subjects. There is one thing that I am embarrassed about and I feel like it tarnished my school memories, I learned that if I acted out I could go to ISS, which was really nice because it was quiet and I could think, so naturally "I loved it!". I liked your self-esteem boost to read "yes, I am quite excellent" part, it made me smile. And, the "I've worked on creating tension within a scene" funny edit, and this part has happened to me many times in the past, I was honestly trying to get out of the spotlight but other people didn't think that. I also have a gap and get self-conscious of it but lately, I've been thinking it gives me character. Have a great day!
Hi. Glad I found your channel. I'm African and yet I relate to most of the contents of your videos. My primary school reports were all positive, except for the shyness and lack of social interactions. Teachers loved having me in their classes and would place me in debating competitions - where I would proceed to cram the points and relate them in a very mechanical way 😆 Junior secondary school (middle school) was manageable but I started becoming inattentive... Senior secondary (high) school was a struggle and my report cards were filled with "she could do better if she would just..." I still graduated top of my class but it wasn't easy. University was tough. I was so overwhelmed. But still managed to graduate 😅 Law school was torture (I'm an attorney) especially because I was pregnant with my first son. I now have four sons! And now with 3 teenagers and a toddler, I can't even explain to anyone how I cope, for everyday is like crisis management for me 😟 From what I've observed (from my experiences) autistic traits manifest earlier (and are more dominant?) and ADHD symptoms stay low-key but manifest/keep increasing as life gets more complicated. By the way, I'm self diagnosed- over here most people aren't inclined to accept mental health issues and as an adult who appears normal, no one will believe me.
I think yeah with AuDHD the autism masks the ADHD until it can't anymore and then we are "exposed" as actually being unreliable and lazy, as though they are retrospectively angry that we were masking and not actually encouraging that behaviour...
Omg I can relate. I had anxiety, an eating disorder and couldn’t concentrate at school. Dropped out and got a job but quit due to anxiety and humiliation of my learning disability being discovered when I couldn’t grasp basic things. I had an attempt at studying nursing 9 years ago but couldn’t keep up with the study load and ended up going crazy. Work and study pressure always makes me crazy. Never doing that again.
My reports were always - quiet and conscientious, shy/reserved, good at academics, not good at physical education. In secondary school the same but less of the pleasure to teach, more comments about attitude and motivation and lacking school spirit and having potential but not using it. Yeah, I was a high-masking and 'gifted' autistic kid who crashed into burnout and unrecognised and untreated mental illness in secondary school. (80s-90s) It was such a difference when it was a teacher who accepted me as myself, even if they didn't know the full picture, rather than those who were obviously frustrated by me and would pull me aside to instruct me to somehow be a different person. I'm a big believer in letting kids be kids, as their authentic selves with their needs met, supporting and encouraging them and not having all these adult pressures and expectations on them that aren't remotely necessary. My kids have had a better experience than me in lots of ways but there is still so much room for improvement in education. Why are kids always told to do their best in every single thing every single day? No healthy adult operates that way, neurodivergent or not. It's fine to sometimes do our mediumest and to not enjoy some subjects. I have strong feelings about it all being a perfectionist in recovery. Those "do your best" messages can have such a toxic effect.
"Why are kids always told to do their best in every single thing every single day? No healthy adult operates that way, neurodivergent or not." Hahaha, yeah...no one...definitely not me...
The amount of times I heard 'She would get top marks if only she would apply herself' and NO ONE explained what they meant by that. I was devastated to hear that about a project I did on horses in primary school. Looking back I didn't search for the proper name for the coat because I liked my version better, but that's all I remember. Though I hated it at the time, I received some great life advice from my high school English teacher who gave me 1 point from perfect on my poster that I was super proud of. Nothing is perfect. Looking back on it, it eased off some of the pressure to achieve perfection. Too bad it happened in my final year and not much, much earlier.
I had very similar report cars reviews in elementary school. In middle/high school, our school didn't give any additional feedback, just a grade. I am undiagnosed, but I definitely relate a lot to your experiences. Thanks for sharing. I feel validated!
I crashed and burned very hard about a year and a half into secondary school and something I notice looking back is that the way my so-called soft skills were perceived was largely based on how well I did in exams. We didn't have any text evaluations then but we had grades for things like reliabilty and politeness (not actual grades but checkmarks in a table that very clearly correspond to grades) as well as having oral participation as a fixed part of every one of our grades. My adhd definitely shows in how I was marked for those soft skills but they seem to have given me the highest mark they possibly could and it was always just remarked as a little something I could improve on. My grades benefitted from that but it also led to me not getting any assistance. Then when my grades drop I suddenly get super bad grades on the soft-skills stuff too. One example is "independence." When you were bad at my school you were basically ignored, your questions weren't answered and the main attention you got was in order to be told of or punished. So how was I suddenly not independent? As soon as my grades started to drop my positive personal and interpersonal qualities weren't really seen anymore which created a sort of feedback loop because of course it demotivated me from trying. I feel that a part of this came from me having done well beforehand. If I suddenly had bad grades it must be because I'm not trying and I am doing it out of spite. So suddenly I am not graded as independent and polite and as a team player. I even remember being yelled at once by a teacher when she asked why I hadn't raised my hand about a question and I said it was because I didn't know. She accused me of lying and demanded over and over that I tell her the answer. That would have never happened when I was getting good grades and it also never happened to the straight A students who never spoke up in class (I don't blame them). No matter how I was doing in school my personal traits, problems and strenghts were seen by most adults only through the lense of my academic achievements which is quite strange to me. A lot of people really like these text evaluations and spreadsheats about students' personality because they think it makes teachers see them more as whole persons but I have started to despise it because it just doesn't work. I think it encourages teachers to judge students' whole person and often to tell "good students" they are a good person and "bad students" they are a bad person. Treating somebody as a person comes from the way you think about them and interact with them, not spreadsheets and fancy words.
I distinctly remember my teacher telling me "You're wasting your potential" after I'd gotten pulled to the principals office for the 30th time that year. And I immediately hated that word and still do to this day. "Potential" became a code word for "not good enough" or "not trying hard enough" and I was trying my absolute hardest. I now have an AuDHD daughter diagnosed and have self-diagnosed myself, and I lose it when people put those expectations on her. Oh the uninformed teachers of the 90's/2000s 😒
I was often kicked out of class for being quite in secondary school, I was constantly being screamed at by teachers too. Sometimes the teachers would come up to me and start screaming at me for no reason. Most of the time I found the work to be too hard, they never asked if I was struggling, they would just get angry and yell. I most of my reports were poor.
My school reports have on the same page: "pleasant and funny, smart and knowledgeable" and "poor work, has difficulties but also no motivation" Others were the usual "this poor result does not reflect his true potential" Unfortunately, I was doing well enough overall so the issues were never taken seriously or dismissed to lack of motivation. I was "gifted" I skipped a class at a young age and was born in september so I was like a year and half younger than my classmates; this put TREMENDOUS pressure. There are topics that were simply too advanced for my cognitive age and I also stuggled with audio processing and ADHD, "but he is excellent in maths and physics and he does well when he applies himself, so there are no issues there"
I had so much potential if only I would apply myself and try. The whole time I'm desperately trying to decipher what I'm reading as I can't focus on the page for more than 10 seconds before my mind started to wander uncontrollably, and when the teacher was talking I either already knew it, or was so bored I was in a daydream as *THEY* weren't trying IMHO. The few classes I actually learnt stuff in, were ofc the really engaging teachers, and luckily for me science was full of them kind of teachers (bar 1 that I had who EVERYONE hated), so I got to learn at least one subject I enjoyed at school lol.
In high school, I finally had the epiphany that "being bright" and "being good at academics" were not synonymous. Alas, I chose to share this insight with my social studies teacher, whose response was roughly: "uh-huh. So when will I have that paper you owe me?" I suppose it was better shared with a therapist, but I was about 40 years shy of getting one of those...
I cried on the street listening to this video as I finally know why I suffered so much on the inside as a child whilst everyone praised how I was the best in all my classes. I secretly wished I was stupid so I could catch a break and ended up as a panic attack/self sabotaging 'adult'.
Same combination for me. ADHD, autism and giftedness. The autism took me by suprise and i am binge watching your videos and reading up on stuff now to make sense of it. Your videos are really helpful. I am so happy that you have uploaded content on these subjects. Something i did notice immediately is your way of speaking: mimic/expressions, movement, switching subjects, the entire package... it is quite similar. As if I am watching myself actually (when I am in a comfortable environment and feeling at ease to speak and act freely).
I was diagnosed with ADHD last year at 36 and part of my journey to accepting it (I was having feelings that I was just an imposter) was reading my report cards. Going back to kindergarten, all my teachers commented on my lack of focus and every year they saw me struggle more. But I was a girl, I was quiet and non disruptive (because of severe anxiety) and it was the 90s. I wish they’d have known better then.
I used to go to a public secondary school and this reminds me a lot about my school It was very strict, we had to where uniforms and behavior which was 'less than expected' was frowned upon, and I can remember all my confidence dropping in that school almost as soon as I started learning there
Primary school teacher, checking in. I completely understand the sentiment you are expressing in this video. I agree that as teachers we should look beyond the obvious, really try to understand the root cause of student behaviour and provide support accordingly. Unfortunately, many aspects of the profession can get in the way of even the most well intentioned teacher. In my experience, a student with at least one strong advocate in their corner has the best change of getting the support they need. This leaves many students, often the ones that need it the most, with the double burden of not only trying to understand their own thoughts and feelings but also the responsibility of conveying them in a way that others can make sense of. A truly complex problem to which I have no ready made solution.
I found my elementary school report cards when I was 21, just after I spent six years completing three years of high school. I was surprised that the one thing they all had in common was that every single teacher said I did great work, but was slow to complete tasks (with variations of "needs to apply herself" and "a pleasure to have in class" peppered in) I didn't remember that at all. None of them mentioned it to me. By junior high it was a problem, though I struggled through, but high school was a disaster. I didn't get an ADHD diagnosis til I was 35, and I'm still waiting for an official autism one. These patterns were apparent for such a long time for so many of us, but were disregarded. I feel like we all need to mourn our lost potential.
I was always described as "quiet", "shy", "a pleasure to have in class", and "mature for my age". I was an "easy child" and always got straight As. I was in a ton of honors and AP classes... But I literally didn't have any friends outside of class for most of my childhood. I can pretty much count the amount of times I did anything social with other kids outside of school hours on one hand. I just didn't know how to socialize and had debilitating social anxiety. I'd get overwhelmed and shut down in social situations. I'd get so anxious I'd basically disassociate if forced to do any sort of public speaking, but I kept forcing myself to do it in hopes I would eventually "get over it" and learn how to be normal. I struggled so much and was horribly depressed most of my life; even suicidal at times. But I guess I masked it all really well so no one knew. And the one time the adults in my life did notice I had issues they ended up blaming it on the fact that my parents were getting divorced, even though I literally couldn't care less about that... So I never got any actual help or support. I just grew up feeling like I was broken and alone.
The 'not trying hard enough' was a haunting refrain throughout my life. And, unfortunately, my environment both at home and school was based around the attitude of "this is the real world, do better. Be better. What is wrong with you? You're not happy? Join the club. Life isn't about you, and I just have too much going on. I can't give you anything else." And that constant message that my own happiness was completely unimportant - in fact, selfish - just layered a lot of strain and pain on top of my existing issues. I'm now 41 years old, and while I've excavated a lot of old things and cleared a lot of space in my mind regarding my old home life (which was loaded with a variety of things that needed to be healed), I'm still really struggling to work out my dual Autism/ADHD issues. It's really easy to get frustrated with myself and start to be really nasty about my failings. In school, I just slowly gave up. I managed to graduate, but I only did really well in the subjects that reached a different part of myself - such as choir/jazz ensemble, the only area in which I won awards. Everything else slowly tanked, and I didn't go to college really until I was in my thirties.
I got sent to be tested for speech therapy for pronouncing "milk" the way it's spelled. I was also in a pullout program to "make more friends" and "get more organized" and the gifted pullout program at the same time. Once I was told to let other students speak in music class, so quit speaking in that class, then was asked why I wasn't talking.
I just want to say that your videos have given me so much comfort in the last few days. I suspected I had autism a few months ago after being diagnosed last year with ADHD and consuming content on neurodiversity, so I scheduled a diagnostic appointment. But when I watched other videos from people who only had autism, not autism+ADHD, I got very discouraged and confused and had a hard time relating. It wasn't until I found your channel and another one with combination Autism+ADHD that it started to make more sense. Thank you for your information and you come off very kind.
My pre-elementary reports kept saying "she learns too far ahead of all her classmates and needs to slow down" in a negative connotation. Gee sorry to inconvenience you teacher
As a primary teacher and possible ASD/ADHD person, I find this to be a very complicated issue. Teachers have to provide feedback in a very specific way, and back in the 80s when I was growing up, no teachers would have been taught to spot this kind of thing. In my twelve years as a teacher I failed some children, but also helped others. It took knowledge and experience. I'm kind of grieving watching this video as I see all the things my teachers didn't spot. I could have had a very different life. But I am glad to know what I know now and push forward helping myself. I no longer teach children but I still work with them occasionally and want to protect any kid that seems different.
Yes this is something I tried to explain to doctors who refused to give me a late diagnosis. When I was in school no one even knew inattentive type ADHD existed, let alone that AuDHD existed! I can't blame my teachers for "failing to notice" a condition that had no diagnostic criteria and for which they received no training! Ultimately I did have a go at teaching but I just couldn't do it. The grading system made no more sense to me as an adult than it did as a child, and being a cog in the machine I had always hated wore me down into burn out very quickly. I do love educating, but I hate being a teacher.
I’m in my 40s and was diagnosed a few years ago with ADHD and also as autistic a couple of years later. I’m in the US and went to public (free) school. For me, my reports when I was younger (pre-puberty) are riddled with comments like, “makes careless mistakes,” “talks to her neighbors too much,” and “doesn’t use time wisely.” Last year, I pulled them out and showed them to my kid who is 10, neurodivergent, and getting the same sorts of comments. It was easier for her to talk about how she felt when we started by first talking about how I remember feeling about my teacher saying those things to me. I did do much better in school after about the age 13 or so because by then I had figured out some coping skills and I never had to sit still for more than an hour at a time. But once I started doing really well, the pressure to keep achieving at a really high level to constantly improve became more and more intolerable. Oh and ditto on the hearing/processing/visualizing words and difficulty with French issue. I did much better with Italian where they pronounce all the letters.
So much of what you were saying sounded familiar, so I went back through my report cards, and- yep. Not turning things in, lots of potential, needs to participate more in class, well-behaved. It was therapeutic to think through those years and feel compassion for my young self who struggled so much. ❤
Thank you for this video! I can relate for sure! Only recently (in my thirties) have I realized how deeply the "do better, then do better" mantra had seeped into my being and disconnected me from my humanness. Also, I work in a public middle school, and this video is so revealing about how report cards work. I will keep your reflection with me as I collaborate with teachers!
It is comforting to think that this will have a positive impact on the kids you come into contact with. One thing I kept thinking about when watching the video is how unhelpful the "talent" myth is. Basically, if you tell a kid they're talented, or have "natural ability", you are not giving them any actual information about what they are doing right. Then you are piling on an anxiety-rich expectation. If the kid is struggling, they are "not fulfilling their potential". None of these comments are helpful to the kid, who doesn't know which thing they did got the positive response, and now is anxious about focussing on the wrong thing next time. As to not fulfilling potential, how many teachers go on to make a constructive suggestion about how the kid can learn differently? How many of them think about how they might actually teach differently in an effort to support the kids who are struggling? I tend to tell young people in formal education that a bad grade reflects badly on their teacher or school.
I had a genius level IQ and always did extremely well on tests, but my teachers hated me. They hated that I asked so many questions and because I was so weird. I encountered a lot of physical and emotional abuse. Like my second grade teacher grabbing me by the arm and tossing me into a row of desks. My third grade teacher convincing my father that, even though I'd passed every subject, I should be held back. She smugly said it was her retirement gift to herself. My fourth grade teacher paddled me for arguing with her about a topic. She was wrong and I corrected her, so she took me into the principal's office, had me grab my ankles, and hit me repeatedly with a wooden paddle. My fifth grade teacher put me in remedial classes, which was just them locking myself and two other kids in a room together all day 3 days a week. I taught the other two children. In sixth grade I was up for student of the month. My teacher told me I didn't get it because all of the other teachers in the school hated me. At the same time all of this happened, I was on a regional champion academic team, was a championship sprinter (until I was kicked off the team for having an eating disorder), and I started taking university classes at age 11 (until the head of the academic scholarship program embezzled all of the money used to fund my classes). I was sure I didn't have autism as a kid because everyone told me autistic people didn't have - or understand - feelings. I was intensely aware of subtle changes to people's moods and was taking sociology and human behavioral studies classes at uni. Little did I know all my autistic traits were why people hated me.
I excelled and was a top student in elementary and middle school then crashed and burned in high school. They called me "smart but very lazy". At home I was taught to be the perfect worker, to never make mistakes and exceed expectations. Despite how much I was struggling, the only thing my parents cared about was my school work and my grades. They never asked how _I_ was doing, only how my work was coming along.
Gosh this is very relatable. Almost identical to mine. The “you are amazingly conscientious and dilligent , but could do better”comments run all the way through mine. As do the “just try not to be so shy please” ones. Spoiler alert: I burn out a lot in adulthood
I never got extensive comments like that in school, but my report cards always said that I was quiet and shy and should participate more. Also that I had trouble concentrating, and that I could do so much better if I put my mind to it. One History teacher in secondary school told my parents that I would never amount to anything, but that probably was because I got a 3 (out of 10) for History, and hated learning about the second world war, which as far as I can remember was all we ever did 😄 I got 9s and 10s for subjects I was interested in, like Dutch, English and French 🥇 I also very regularly got called diligent and serious, I was trying so hard not to let my parents down 😞
Oh Sam, this video was brilliant! My mother may have *ahem* “lost” all my school reports (despite retaining my younger siblings’ in their entirety), but I vividly remember the “pleasure to teach”, and “such high potential” comments on each and every one… Until my Anorexia became so problematic that I was reduced to studying frenetically a few weeks before exams, to make up for the few years’ worth of content I would miss in treatment. As a new subscriber, I’m thrilled to see someone of a similar age to myself, uploading content that feels to relevant and personal; the bravery it must have taken to be so raw and vulnerable with a community of strangers is very much appreciated.
Your reports sound just like mine. I used to have comments about drawing pictures on all my work. Shy, quiet, high grades. I just started Adderall at age 60 and will be assessed for ASD in 3 months (I'm pretty sure it will be positive). I always had anxiety but didn't show it, and I learned about ADHD and ASD from watching TH-cam videos about that. Thanks for all your information!
Thanks for sharing Sam! Schools in Brazil don't give out these type of reports but it resonates a lot to how my teachers treated me and possibly talked to my parents
i spent my childhood moving around the US so i can't imagine what i'd have to do to get my school transcripts but hearing you read yours really feels good enough. i remember hearing almost the exact same things on my report cards. i started thinking i might be autistic about 15 years ago and realised it was the case about 5 years ago. i "came out" to my husband about being autistic around the same time you got your formal diagnosis but i still have yet to be diagnosed formally myself. i worry that without a formal diagnosis i'll never be able to progress in life because i don't have income of my own. without a job and a diagnosis i'm just "lazy" and "dramatic" and "diagnosing myself with all kinds of trendy disorders" i dunno what my point is i just love watching your videos cuz it's one place i feel seen. finding out in this video that you and i are the same age but divided by access to healthcare helps me to see that with modern medicine maybe there is hope for me. i just gotta get out of the USA.
Every school report: "Doesn't work up to potential. Talks to much." I talked because I was anxious. I was in school during the 70s and 80s. No one noticed I was struggling because I passed everything without studying. My parents divorced when I was 14 and things got worse from there with depression and anxiety. Edit: oh and I was "gifted". I did go straight to college as a vocal performance major and I ended up in a psych hospital. Demonstrating what you said about if you would have gone to Oxford what would have happened. It happened to me.
Thank you for sharing this! I had some similar feelings going back through my old college things a couple months ago, especially noticing how everything my public speaking teacher was critiquing was related to my autism-eye contact, gestures, vocal variation, etc. I remember my growing frustration because I had absolutely no idea how to fix the things he was criticizing, and I’m sad for myself now knowing the reason why. Also, I would love to see the P&P video!
I had a lot of trust issues in high school. Because if I did make friends, I thought that they wanted something from me. Bc im physically disabled, I had to use the elevator every hour, so I had to ask somebody to carry my books. I was naive and thought “that any person would want to be my friend if I would just ask them to carry my books.” I was wrong; they just wanted to get out early. So now as an adult, I have such a hard time trusting people who literally just want to be my friend. I do think that I held my guard up so much, bc of my Autism and ADHD, that no on wanted to be my friend. But also my Autism working too hard at being such a robot and not giving anything back emotionally to other people who wanted to get to know me better. So now, i have to unlearn everything that I taught myself in high school in order to protect myself. Does anyone else feel the same way?
Yes I know what you mean. Unlearning things from those difficult high school years has been a huge part of my adult life. Some things I let go of within the early years after, but other things have taken me many years. I think once I realised I was autistic and had some context and understanding it helped the process immensely. It really is a big reprogramming project and so much of it is insidious and subconscious and takes time to really identify and address.
These pretty much read like my school reports, and I also feel like they didn’t notice the overwhelm that caused me struggle, not only with the amount of work, but also with the high expectations that were set on me. That pressure is still affecting me today as it hinders me in many aspects of my adult life, and it can really destroy anything you initially found joyful learning.
i'm constantly amazed and validated in how much i recognise myself in your experience. I am so grateful you put this out there. I was much more volatile because of the bullying I was subject to, but everything matches almost flawlessly. in elementary school my reports mostly focused on me being ostracised and lonely, and all responsibility on making friends was put on me.
I'm 48, went to a girls grammar school in the 80s, and my reports were SO similar to this - with the exception that I was the "chatty" or "lively" one - "a pleasure" in my younger classes. As I got older, I need to "just focus more, just concentrate" in order to "reach my full potential"... My ADHD is (now!!) diagnosed and I feel is the more prominent condition, but as time goes on I'm more and more convinced I'm autistic too. My 8 year old son is the one I'm worried for. He's in an ultra supportive primary, he's incredibly bright and his teachers love him, they know we're awaiting assessment, and he has the SEN and Nurture lead both keeping an eye, we couldn't ask for better, but his anxiety and need for perfection are through the roof. Dreading the upcoming search for a secondary...
Wasted potential was the big thing for me. One of my elementary school teachers told my mom that she thought I could be the valedictorian if I just applied myself more which, looking back, seems a bit early to start throwing around terms like that.
I am getting flashbacks.. "well behaved and pleasant but disorganized and has trouble completing work on time." Little did I know that Autism slowed me down because I took every single question literally and couldn't answer a question unless I was perfectly sure what was being asked... And the disorganization.. After talking to my doc, I realized that most of my difficulties started around 4th grade when we started having more class changes, which is common in ADHD.
I recently read through my secondary school reports and had very similar comments. One particularly which made me laugh was from my English teacher in the first year I was there, where he said that my reading level was only average! My siblings and I came to the conclusion that he didn’t know who I was as I was extremely shy and quiet and I was probably too busy obsessively reading to tell him how good I was!
When I started considering I might be autistic, a couple months ago, I asked to get my school records. I was only able to get my hands on the one from middle school and high school, none of the primary ones. The ones from middles schools shows a good satifaction from my teachers overall. I'm really surprised that none of them talks about how dis-organised I was because I remember that I was constantly forgetting my books and workbooks and homeworks... Some teachers noted that I was quiet, but others wrote that I was participating well, so that's confusing to me. Then, the reports from high school are completly different. I was struggling with depression at that time because of a personnal situation and suddenly, the reports turns to "lake of personnal work" "distracted" "makes careless mistakes", which is more what I expected in the first place.
I think my teachers probably viewed me as somewhat of a paradox. I rarely did homework or participated in class, but I did really good on tests, so my overall grades were decent. A lot of what you said in this video rings true for my experiences as well.
Wow, can totally relate. I'm just at the beginning of my journey of self-discovery, but I'm learning so much thanks to channels like yours. All this time, I'd put it all down to me just being lazy, not trying hard enough, lacking diligence and pretty much just flaws with my personality. Turns out one thing I'm not bad at, it seems, is my ability to mask and didn't even realise that's what I had been doing all my life. Was only in losing both of my parents in the last few years that everything kinda fell apart and found channels like yours that filled in so many blanks that I didn't even realise were there. So, thank you! :)
My experience in school was much like yours. I'm 65 now, finally officially diagnosed with ADHD. I am not officially diagnosed with autism, but I've identified as autistic since having to fight tooth and nail to get a diagnosis for my daughter. It has affected my life in so many ways, both positive and negative. My school reports are full of the same thing. I aced tests but never did homework. I was too busy actually learning things.
It's an interesting time to be an older undiagnosed ND. I'm glad you have finally been recognized for some of your difference, and that that has brought you some forms of relief. I'm hopeful for the future, and I also sometimes mourn for my past. You're not alone.
@@autonomic_pilot The internet is wonderful for people like me who rarely find people who really relate. It's getting better, but there's a long way to go. DD's behavior in school screamed autism, but it took until she was 11 years old to get a diagnosis. And then there was nothing in school that would actually work for her. Apparently kids magically get all better when they hit 8, certainly by the time they're 12.
Definitely not alone. There was not a lot of diagnosis going on when we were kids, and the lack of attention to our generation kind of followed us: all the webinars on ADHD in older adults start by noting that almost no research has been done on the subject. Some experts even insist that ADHD could not possibly get worse in old age, which is odd considering it is recognized that cognitive functions tend to decline later in life. Of course, it was even worse for my parents, both of whom were clearly undiagnosed ND. And all the things I read from younger ND folks (including Sam) indicates that things are still nowhere near where they should be.
Mine were very funny when I found them last year (80s and 90s for reference). The teachers liked to talk about how the child can improve at the first report, and then the next report is so much better, then the last report of the year the teacher hopes the child continues on the current path next year. It is very formulaic. Mine were "she is so quiet, needs to speak in class." Then "she spoke in class" because I had no choice and was forced to do an oral presentation or something. Then "she came out of her shell, hopefully she stays that way." Next year, it started all over again. "Too quiet." It would have made such a difference to be treated like quiet was ok.
This is so... Familiar feeling. I've been watching. You and several other creators in the neurodibergent spaces and hearing things like this help me loosen my imposter syndrome's grip. I was always quiet. Pleasant to teach. Smart. I never struggled academically (until college) but it became my pillar upon which I built myself. Every other aspect is nearly blank to me - I wrote stories to help me cope and played video games (RPGs) to socialize.
Oh yes. My teachers always were disappointed with me because ‘you could do so much better if you only worked a little harder’ I was doing well. But apparently never well enough. And Oxford… oh, I was obsessed with Oxford as a teen. I’m not even english, but that was sort of the goal of my life then (nooooooooooo, not because my special interest is and always was the works of a certain professor. Perhaps it was lucky I never dared, as this is not a basis on which to make such choices)
Someone told me that " Perhaps my best wasn't enough," after finding out I had failed statistics in my degree. We weren't close but he probably meant no harm as a passing comment. The fact that i still remember it after 5 years surely says something
This felt like listening to my own school reports - I'm in awe, honestly gobsmacked how similar our reports are. I thought about how much pressure the school environment put me under because of the praise and expectations that I would always do well and be a 'pleasure to teach' - people didn't understand why in S5 I had really bad anxiety, panic attacks and self harm issues - secondary school teachers were confused and saying 'you are the only one setting such high standards for yourself' but they conditioned me to be that way also!
Wow thank you so much for sharing this. SO much of what was written about you was written about me in my reports too, particularly the quiet, diligent, hardworking, conscientious stuff. As you say, it sounds like a wonderful thing to say about a child but it actually places an enormous pressure on you to live up to that expectation. I only wish my teachers had focused more on me as a person rather than my outputs (grades) and I might have been diagnosed earlier and received the support I needed.
🧐 there were so many simultaneous reactions in this video. I see your truth and feel mine exposed at the same time. My report said, “he would do better if he focused during assignments”. And a few other trigger items. I’m 48 undiagnosed, I have two kids both diagnosed with ADHD, one on a path for ASD assessment. The moment for me was when you said “why would I think about what makes me happy”. You and I both seemed to have a simultaneous flashback to childhood and our faces changed to sad. Thank you for sharing, it will truly help people. (There we go again not thinking about ourselves!)
I had a couple of differences that made it even less obvious that I was mentally struggling. I did get my work in, I got double time on tests and was in special Ed (in the US public school), and class was one of the few places where I did open my mouth, because I knew all the answers. So I was the brilliant student who didn't want friends. Nevermind the pressure I was putting on myself, the struggle to do my homework every night, and the frequent meltdowns.
I cried so much when reviewing my comments since 11 years old. So much. Everything was as you told. Specially... "If she worked harder... She could fulfill all her potencial"
All mine were similar. Quiet, easily distracted, daydreams a lot. I was organized, but not focused. I had issues turning work in on time. But when you mentioned the auditory issues, and trying to envision the spoken words in your head, I felt so seen! I thought I was the only person who did that! Thank you again for your content.
I remember when I was in elementary school, my teachers would keep tabs on me each day and send notes home to my parents up until second grade. And this was when I was only diagnosed with PDD (this was the 2000s, keep in mind). I didn’t get a proper ASD diagnosis until I was in middle school.
Sounds so much like my report cards, 😊 the subjects I loved I was considered enthusiastic, gifted, clever, excellent, ones I didn’t i “didn’t apply myself”. Always does homework last minute. Thoroughly nice and polite also were other themes. ADHD-I
Very relatable. Almost every primary school report says "needs to develop confidence ,participate more in class and group discussions, needs to speed up as often work does not get completed, even getting dressed for PE can take an age" I also got "very pleasant, quiet and kind, achieving above national average" "notices patterns very well" "high attention to detail" "analytical" and very similar comments about needing to speed up or talk more in order to "achieve my potential". I was also depressed and anxious in school.
I went to a similar school ( feeder for Oxbridge ) and my reports were pretty much the same …quite in class, lacks confidence , doesn’t contribute orally ..followed by ‘ if she can achieve these marks with such frequent absence imagine what she is capable of “ . I was badly bullied all throughout my secondary school years and often had to absent myself to get away from the bullies …that was in the 1980’s ..I often wonder how different my life might have been if someone had recognised I was probably autistic …. I have my assessment in 2 weeks time aged 51.
I cannot wait for your workbook! Congratulations on it and thank you for all of the hard work you put into it for us all! My Dad was my principal throughout all of my grades and I learned really early on that what the teachers wrote about me was not always what was happening in reality. I had a teacher in the 4th grade that not only discovered a reading comprehension problem but actually spoke up about it to my Dad. It took a full year of after school lessons as well as 1 entire summer of concentrated one on one work to correct it. I have always wondered what they would have said about me if my Dad was not the principal and their boss? Thanks so much! 💗
I used to tutor a couple of girls in Japan who were tweens, and their daily workload was basically that of a graduate student. It's unreal the amount of expectations and structure we put on young kids.
Your comments are so interesting! Mine were all like "quiet, well-behaved, and messy". I don't think anyone really noticed me more than that, and no personal comments after grade school. My 2 older kids get the same. "Pleasure to have in class" is the comment their teachers all pick out of the menu of possible choices, but they'd have "messy" if they could!
I was born with hearing loss and some vision loss in one eye. I'm also neurodivergent (high IQ and ADHD/Autistic traits), and have several diagnosed medical conditions. I survived school, and didn't understand "homework" until I was taking my Master's degree. I hope we have more acceptance and support for kids these days than I had.
This whole thing is LITERALLY MY LIFE, I was quiet, I was loved by my teachers but got bullied by my classmates constantly. I often forgot to turn in homework and was told off for being unable to be concise in my essays, and then when I was in exams I did great until I was doing my IB and my parents didn't force me to sit down and study anymore like they did when I was a child. This fits so hard I think I'm going for psych eval, now at 24
Being able to write massively long, over time-limit essays on my tests is the only accommodation I received in high school now that I think of it. It wasn't an official thing but some teachers didn't mind. I guess I should be thankful to them for that. My hand always hurt a lot from trying to compensate for my dysgraphia though.
Oh gosh, the 'needs to contribute in class and be more confident comments' plagued me throughout school! Having kind and understanding teachers really helped. I just didn't want to talk it was so nerve racking!
Girls are socialised to be quiet, passive, submissive, and simultaneously punished for it. A bit crazy.
It’s kinda frustrating tbh how autism is said to “present differently” in girls when all the traits are literally just the effects of patriarchal thinking.
Talking to people is overrated
@@RK-ej1to Talking to people is underrated actually, it's a lot more fun once you are past being kids. I lacked confidence when I was afraid of my peers, now I realise their opinions don't matter and there is no consequences to being outgoing about the things I like
I talked out of nerves. "Talks too much" was on all of my school reports and "doesn't work up to potential".
I hear that…they all said I was well behaved but “doesn’t participate in class”….yeah because I would not talk as from what I’ve read I probably had selective mutism. I could talk, but in public and in school I couldn’t.
As far as I know I’m not autistic diagnosed, but at times I wonder if I am, but learned to mask it as a kid eventually and now I can talk anywhere and everywhere to anyone, but am still pretty quiet if I’m in a group I don’t feel comfortable in.
Sam, we are about the same age. I got the “quiet”, “lacks confidence” “needs to speak up more in class” comments. And the very noticeable social difficulties: “needs to work on making friends” and “puts herself on the outside of social groups”. LIKE I HAD A CHOICE!!
I now know I had anxiety and depression from the age of about 8 to 16 but it seems back then in the UK such things were thought not to affect kids.
I hope to goodness it’s different now but I suspect a lot of kids are still having a rough time. That upsets me.
I'm currently a teen and one of my earlier teachers refused to give me difficult math(keep in mind that this was a school I switched to mostly to get more difficult subjects, very specifically math) and said that I had to focus on social relationships and friendships at school instead. So he essentially took away to fun part of one of my main two interests at the time(history and math. I've also always really loved reading, but that interest got more important that year and on.
I even got that "be social directive" in a special ed class which was nearly all boys and I was plainly told "no girls allowed". Like, really? How on earth is a 6-8 year old girl supposed to overcome that sort of obstacle on her own? Without getting in trouble? You can't. Because where there are groups of boys in a class, there's usually an expectation that you do stuff that gets you in trouble (often for good reason) if you want to be friends with them. And since the one thing I picked up that could have made me cool with the boys and that I could have done at that age was licking knives (safely and carefully so you don't get cut), that's kind of a non-starter as the teacher would surely have grabbed the knife out of my hand if I did that in class. If I was lucky. And you kind of have to succeed at the things you get in trouble in and not have those attempts immediately shut down if you want that to work.
Ugh I got the needs to be more outgoing/speak up more... but then when I TRIED to speak up more I got told off for talking out of turn or saying the wrong thing!
I would LOVE to hear your analysis of neurodivergence in Jane Austen!
It's annoying and stupid that rather than learning well, in a place of learning, it is seen as a deficit to not want to join a club or hang out with random strangers when you could be doing something useful. That there must be something wrong with YOU if you tell an authority "I don't like anyone, they're idiots/malicious/they don't like me so why try?". For some reason larger society cannot leave well enough alone and is largely incapable of taking anything you say seriously if your main stance is "go away".
I was a “pleasure to have in class” as a young child and grew into a “wasting their potential” teen. My mother actually attempted to have me assessed at age 5 but I was such a “good student” in kindergarten that the doc refused. But I didn’t make a friend until the last day of school, and I was quietly terrified of everything and everyone except the library. If only they could see past the “good student” stuff in childhood, they wouldn’t have called me a “lazy and rebellious teen” as I got older. I wouldn’t have such low self esteem as young adult, who is now only able to gain confidence by accepting who I am. I was struggling to fit into a world that didn’t even see me, let alone accept and/or support me, I wasn’t “wasting my potential”. We were all just trying to survive and meet their expectations of us, which always seemed out of our grasp. 💜
the fact it’s so common for doctors to refuse an assessment is so sad, im glad you’re finally getting more confident
@@1musketeer311 thank you for the kind words! I hope we all can find some healing through self acceptance and community support 😊
Thank you for saying/posting this. It just as easily could have come from me or others watching this video, but to read it from someone else, well it just makes me feel less "unusual" or "weird". As I mentioned in my comment above, I started self medicating to get through school. My goal, like yours, was simply to get the spotlight off of me and fall off their radar. As you stated very well, survive! My self-esteem was also shredded by these experiences. Yes, I do still have issues, but I am much better now. Being diagnosed made me realize that there is nothing really wrong with me, but that I simply process information differently than others. It was also at that point that I got extremely pissed off at the system that put me and countless others through Hell.
I could have written these exact words.
I’m 41 now, just realised a week ago that I am autistic and have ADHD. Life has been hell.
All the signs were there, but nobody cared in school ot at home since I was gifted and goot good grades. I was, and have always been, completely dysfunctional as a person. Didn’t even see myself as part of humanity. Since everybody told me I should be able to do anything since I was so smart, but I felt incapable of doing anything at all, I concluded as a child that it must be my fault then. I must be worthless. And that started a shame monster that took over and ruined my life. When I was 5 I was married to the girl next door and she protected me when kids were mean to me. Then she died suddenly, and I remember thinking that I was all alone in the world now, could trust no one and had to rely on only myself. And that’s what happened, from age 5. Never got any help to deal with her death, and no help in school with anything at all, even though I was clearly fucked up. No guidance counseling, even though I was clearly completely disinterested in school and could never answer the question what do you want to be when you grow up. No intervention, even though I had clear ADHD signs and was socially awkward as hell.. When I started university I just sat at home, paralyzed, uninterested, and then my best friend died in a car accident and nobody mentioned I should get therapy for it, and since I was already so fucked up then, i never got any help. instead I dropped out of school, let my ADHD side take over and decided that life was short and should be lived hard while you still can. Moved to another country, became a nomad, started doing extreme sports and only working a couple months at a time. The whole time, being completely dysfunctional with executive functions that just didn’t function at all, leading to the shame monster just growing and growing until I had to hide all of myself, all the time. Now I’m completely burned out, and am realising how everyone around me failed me so completely as a child that it fucked me up, so badly that I was doomed long before I became an adult. Imagine if they’d at least caught the ADHD, so I wouldn’t have had to live with completely non functioning executive functions my whole life, and wouldn’t have had to hate myself for it. All of this is so hard to take in.
That's it: there should be a system that books an Autism assessment whenever a teacher describes them as "conscientious". I got that year after year. So many of your reports sound like mine. Why isn't anyone looking at the bigger picture so I don't have to wait until I'm 38 to find out what the situation actually is?
When I started school, kids were tested beforehand for everything. My autism was missed, as I'm missing some symptoms. For my adhd, my parents were told that I won't need help, as I'm intelligent enough to compensate.
My parents still insist that I don't need therapy, as intelligent people don't need psychological help.
@@v3ru586 Wow. Like saying someone in a wheelchair won't need help getting into buildings as they have strong arms!
@@EdwardRoss what bugs me most is that we know someone with paranoid schizophrenia, and my parents see nothing wrong with treating her with meds. But I'm pretending to be stupid if I'm trying to get my adhd treated, or even think about getting an autism diagnosis
(I get the autism part, at this point I've been told by 3 experts that I don't have autism. First, I was talking, second, I'm female and third I'm a migrant, each ruling out a diagnosis)
@@v3ru586 Sorry to hear that. There's so many hurdles. I hope you get what you need some time soon, somehow
@@EdwardRoss I'm already in therapy for adhd, now it's about figuring out which med helps.
With autism, I wait until some friends pay me back, as the autism expert recommended to me won't be paid by my insurance (to be fair, they did pay for previous experts I've visited)
My grade 9 science report says “Danielle needs to control her enthusiasm in class, her calling out is disruptive to other students learning” 😂😂😂😂😂
Haha 😂 … here is mine, from 4th grade: “His participation is sometimes too lively and must be reigned in.” 😂 😂 😂
@@OrafuDa yess!!! Haha I am starting to recognise the triple threat of us being autistic adhd and intelligent really gets under teachers skin hahaha 😝
@@OrafuDa I got kicked out of class in science for “challenging” the teacher with what is now considered flat earth theory. He had a globe out the front and was explaining our trip around the sun. I interrupted him and was like wait…. So if we are facing that way in summer and the opposite direction in winter… then why do we see the same stars? The topic wasn’t meant to be about stars. He couldn’t answer me and he sent me out of the room and gave me lunch time detention LOL all my teachers were walking past me standing outside the teachers staff room for detention and every single teacher would come up to me and be like Danielle how are you?! What are you doing here? And I’d be hand singling “I’m not allowed to talk!” And the teacher watching us would be glaring at me not to talk to the teachers who all wanted to know why I was on detention 😂🤣😂🤣😂
This was so very much my experience in the first couple of years in school. Although I eventually learned to not-blurt, I still couldn't keep myself from raising my hand fastest-firstest, and of course having the correct answer. I did wonder why everyone else was so slow to give a correct answer, and why were they all looking scornfully at me? For smartz, I was ahead of my classmates, and yet when it came to timed tests, I always fell behind and faltered because my mind was trying to go out for a walk when I was supposed to focus on a boring task/test. (It wasn't challenging enough to keep me engaged.)
The most common comments on my report cards:
# 1 "Not completing class work / homework in a timely manner."
# 2 "Not working to potential."
@beautiful awakening:
You're not the only one to challenge a teacher. 👍
I was compelled to bring a Golden Delicious apple to class after my fist grade teacher marked on my page "wrong" that I had colored the apple yellow. I did offer that she didn't have to mark the other students wrong if they didn't know about yellow apples, but I insisted that she rescind her errant marking on my page. And she did. 😁
Had my private autism assessment today .....and I can now say officially...I am autistic! 44 years old, and a lot of years trying to be listened to! Hasn't quite sunk in yet!
Nearly made me cry too Sam. Those could have been my reports you were reading. I struggled horrendously too. My heart bleeds for our autistic child selves. How different things could have been if we had been diagnosed early. At least earlier than 49 (for me), lol. Much love to your inner child. I hope she has found some healing through your exorcism of old reports.
This has made me cry. My school reports were virtually the same "she has stopped working this term and NEEDS to pick herself up".. Yes thank you I will at age 14 pick myself up from extreme anxiety and an eating disorder and constant burnouts and meltdowns, had not even thought of picking myself up, so helpful.. I also dropped out immediately after starting a high academic course after high school because I was already burning out at week 1 and could not handle the change and the social interactions. Teachers there said "are you sure because we can see that you can do this" and I was like no no I cannot. I have the brains to do it but I cant remain in such a high pressure environment. I have now at age 23 started studying again, and am struggling to keep these thoughts and expectations of myself away.. Its crazy how teachers don't realise how many people they affect for life because they're "gifted" or "so brilliant" and they think that good results = easy life ...
I had a very similar experience in school. I hardly ever spoke because by the time I felt I had a proper addition to the conversation the moment was gone. It never occurred to me to make my facial expressions match my feelings so I was always misinterpreted. After being made fun of I had to remember to make my arms move when I walked. I was brought into a counselors office several times with my mother hearing comments like "shy and retiring". I dreaded school. In first grade I had a teacher who I adored. Then one day she had me come to the classroom during recess. She proceeded to start yelling at me about a spelling assignment. Then she threw my spelling book across the room while demeaning me. My entire life I felt like I must be the only one in the world like this. I just lived with it. Once my mom told me "you just better snap out of it". Thankfully there were some nice kids and later teachers who were kind to me. I don't like parties and am happier when alone. I don't want to be alone, but it easier being alone. I always felt I had to act like a normal human being because it didn't come naturally. I am 63 and just now through TH-cam and an online test am realizing I have many autistic traits. People always make the assumption that I must be gay and because I am alone. Once, a girl who I had nice conversations with tried to fix me up with a dude. Just shoot me. When autism was portrayed in the media long ago they always used the extreme. Basically never making eye contact and screaming when something was too loud. For years I never remotely thought I might be autistic. I did come out of it with a good sense of humor though.
This sounds horrible :'(
I'm amazed I made it through school and finished two studies after high school.
Funny, my boyfriend also had the arm-thing when walking, only because others thought it weird did he start moving them more ~ I've been wondering if he's one of us for a while now, maybe he'll get himself tested one day ^^
"I don't want to be alone, but it's easier to be alone."
I felt that... 😬
This was absolutely my experience. I know the 70s/80s was a different time but I’m still shocked at the glaringly obvious signs I was struggling and that not one teacher was like “hm, let’s dig into this a little deeper”. Even as a painfully shy child, I was advocating for myself left and right, and it ended up feeling like I was caught in a bad dream where I was speaking but no one could see or hear me. Through immense effort (mostly internal effort that no one could see, so on the surface it appeared that success came easy for me) I achieved relative success in life. But literally every single step was so difficult for me; just getting through a day was difficult. Finally after decades of striving and masking, I could no longer do it anymore. The old formulas I’d figured out that helped me appear”normal” just did not work. Now I’m in the liminal space between knowing I can’t live the way I did before, but not knowing how to exist (in terms of work, relationships, etc) or move forward. In school I was also extremely polite and agreeable, but, because I wasn’t getting good grades (combination of neurodivergent and lack of support at home), I was labeled a “bad kid”, and placed in the LD classes, even though I did not have a learning disability. I ended up slipping through the cracks and just biding my time to get through school. I didn’t graduate with my class, finished at summer school and tried to find my own way in the world that was anything but the usual path.
The common thing teachers were explicitly taught at the time was "kids will do well if they want to"
Contrast that to "kids will do well if they can" aka if they're struggling it's not a motivation issue, there's something in the way (skills, resources, etc)
Your story is so similar to mine ..no one looked for autism in the 70’s and 80’s especially in girls and my school days were thoroughly miserable. I’m seeking diagnosis at 51 because like you I have no idea how to be or how to cope now I can’t mask any more ..it’s like trying to fix a car but you only have the repair manual for a bicycle …someone needs to help us find the right instructions
Eerily similar to my own experience...
Things I found helpful:
1. Watching that scene from Good Will Hunting in which Robin Williams tells Matt Damon that it's not his fault, and then having an unexpected breakdown.
2. Meditating on the Inner Child and imagining myself as the adult she needed back then -- it feels a bit wibbly-wobbly timey-wimey but the knight in shining armour that you always wished for is you.
3. Looking through a list of traits to figure out who I actually am, beneath the mask.
4. Being mindful of all the things I do which feel inauthentic and gradually phasing them out of my behaviour.
5. Learning about repressed emotions, and how to regulate and express them in a healthy way (still working on that).
6. Moving on from people who ignore/abuse/exploit me, as they're a waste of time and energy.
7. Getting a support worker!
8. Finding a _good_ therapist -- most are garbage but it's worth it to keep searching for the right one.
9. Listening to or reading about other people who've had similar experiences.
10. Going back to university to get a degree in psychology now that I finally understand how I learn. It's never too late.
11. Making a list of my rights as a human being, or at least a list of all the things no-one else has a right to take from me or do to me.
12. Writing -- whether it's journaling or noveling it helps to put your thoughts in physical form.
If all else fails, write everything out on post-it notes and stick them to a handy wall/window/fridge so you can organize them objectively.
Remember, your experience is valid and you deserve compassion. 💛
I was put into a LD class in Jr High. The kids there were nice to me except for one bully. When they realized I did not need to be there I was put back into regular english class. I started answering test questions with Monty Python quotes so they would put me back.
@@Thunderclouification 😂👍
When I was in first grade. I was dealing with autism, ADHD, Bi Polar, dislexia, and PTSD. got exspeled from two schools. At the third school, I finally got a teacher who understood me. After I had her in grades 1-3. Everything went down hill fast till I graduated testing 10% in Reading and less than 20% in math and English. Didn’t know my true diagnosis till college. It took 9 years to graduate from a two year college. But I did it
👍
👌🍀🤞✌️
Congratulations on finishing your education!
I was lucky enough to have the most lovely teachers growing up. I had a teacher in fourth grade (Ms Connie) who was really supportive of my quietness. In my final year at primary school, she even sent me a handwritten letter about how much I'd grown and that I didn't have to be loud and talkative in order to matter. We still have it framed to this day. I think Ms Connie is why I became a teacher myself, to be honest.
AWW THAT IS THE BEST THING I'VE EVER HEARD
The auditory processing thing is exactly my experience as well. The listening exercises in language classes have always been a horror for me (in every language by the way), especially in these really low-quality phone call simulations. I usually cannot understand more than half of it.
☝️at a point I thought I was going deaf or some extra terrestrial waves were interfering with the signals. My classmates understood the audio recordings and even answered questions while I just stood there wondering if they had received transcripts earlier and didn't inform me!
She described it so well. I didn’t know why I did so bad in French when language was my natural talent (at least that’s what I thought 😅). English is my second language and I was great at both Spanish and English, but French… ugh. I also only do well in English tests if it’s written. Interesting
@@AurorasWindow I COULD NOT AGREE more.
Same, I remember for my Spanish listening exam I just started guessing the answers because I couldn't understand a *word* from it o.o
And still today even in 2021, THE INTERNATIONAL ENGLISH tests have Listening component where the native speakers fast and these tests assess the English proficiency of (non natives of English )students.
Some NT do it better even though they are newly learning the language.
But for Autistic students, it creates stress and the intelligent ones fall through (get bored or can't follow after 2 minutes because they play 5 minute dialogue and ask questions what person 1 thought and what person 2 said and blah...
There is a writing component thankfully but scores are important in both components.
My reports always said I was diligent and quiet. A 'no problem girl". Yet, I never did my speaking assignment for my final exams. Did the teacher say anything? Nope. He didn't when I failed to chose a date, didn't inquire about my topic, my progress, anything. I was the quiet girl, the one not demanding attention. That didn't mean I didn't need it. I was terrified of public speaking. Couldn't find a subject, despite having many ideas. Struggled to ask for help (understatement). But since I was the girl who always hid at the back of the class, I guess I was easy to ignore. 35 years later this still hurts.
Lol you haven't been through real pain. Those stories are laughable
@@keylanoslokj1806 YOU are the laughable subject matter, actually
Wow I just can't stop crying. I have a massive school trauma despite having "so much potential". I even ended up home educating my own 2 young kids (who also show signs of neurodivergence) I love how much empathy you show for the young Sam who has gone through all this. PS I really can't wait for your video on Pride and Prejudice.
I did this too. Home educating my children as there was no way the school system was going to traumatise them like it had me.
Neurodivergent parents who put in the work to home school their children impress me so much. It makes me cry to think of how I could have been if I hadn't been put through that hell. My school was much less prestigious than Sam's but had exactly the same attitude. The message was always MASK HARDER, FEEL NOTHING, BE EXCELLENT.
I went through homeschooling for two years in Elementary because I couldn't get along with my teacher who was a real macho asshole and it was fine. I wanted more socialization but not like I got at school. Sigh.
After deciding not to have kids, in my 50s I found myself in a job that involved going into primary school classrooms. Much had changed, and diversity was often emphasized, but I noted how much focus the staff put into managing the groups of kids. So yes, "unfailingly pleasant and courteous" is a lot to put on a child, and does set them up for failure. And sadly, a lot of that is put there for the benefit of the supervising adults. IMO, a lot of the advice in those evaluations is oriented toward making students into the type of pupil the teacher prefers to teach. Talks enough but not too much, etc. Which flies in the face of supporting diversity.
In my day (bitterness alert), "gifted" generally meant "we can just hand them work and forget about them" and "troublemaker" (behavioral issues) meant "we are really resentful of this kid for selfishly taking up all our time." Most of my behavioral issues were avoidance -- and to be fair to my teachers, I know I was like herding cats. I was always considered smart, I guess because I had a good vocabulary and was reasonably articulate. But I was anything but self-supervising: I needed help, but didn't ask and never got it. And I think my mother recognized my problems with being overwhelmed, and responded by letting me miss a LOT of days of school -- which probably kept me from melting down, but certainly didn't help me keep up with classes. The upshot was that I left high school at least as formally undereducated as the "problem" kids -- and with what I now realize was similarly low self-esteem. To this day I have avoided sharing my academic "credentials" with anyone. This is one reason I went into art-related work -- you could show a portfolio, rather than submit a resume.
And here I am replying to my own post: I just looked at my first paragraph and realized I sound just like my mother, who was a primary school teacher before I was born, and did a little after. I wish I could remember the things she talked about regarding her time as one, but the gist I do recall is that she talked about working with the kids who were struggling, and was generally unhappy with the adults who she thought contributed to those struggles. I am going to throw this into the pot of memories I’ve accumulated as I try to figure out what kinds of ND she was.
Both elementary schools I went to denied my disability accommodations. The first school effectively told my mom and I "We don't care. Be normal, or else", while the other told my mom, to her face, that I'm stupid. I'm now an electrical engineer, and I make three times their salary.
Damn, it's both very strange and reassuring to find out how many women who had late diagnosis (like myself) have had such similar school experiences..
One of my primary school teacher described me as a "absent-minded professor". And to this day that's still a very accurate description...
I'm another somewhat older one, growing up in the late seventies and eighties (graduated in 1992). My school reports are a constant cry for help. They sound somewhat like Sam's, though a bit more extreme in a lot of cases. I was identified "gifted" in kindergarten, though (I found out much later) this was partly because the school wanted to have me assessed for ADHD (and you know that if they were starting that expensive process spontaneously within weeks of my entering my first year of schooling I had to have been an odd and difficult duckie indeed.) Girls, of course, couldn't be autistic back then, especially if they were articulate. My mother stopped the process because she considered it to be insulting--no one explained the questions or the reasoning behind them to her.
It was always, shes so bright, but, and the BUT got bigger and bigger as I progressed through grade and middle school and only started resolving a bit as I got into high school--at which point I had learned, somewhat, to advocate for myself--I remember arguing for a study hall "because I was taking a lot of difficult courses". I always felt like the stupidest smart kid--the other gifted kids were always doing these fantastic projects and I was in the pullout classroom learning how to cope with existing in the scheduled, social, loud world of school.
"Stupidest smart kid." Yes this was definitely me. I outperformed all my peers on my final exams but it was only because they took my highest marks and dropped the lowest. My special interests carried me somehow through it but I was extremely unhappy and I still have nightmares about being sent back to high school to this day (I'm nearly 40).
@@wiegraf9009 My school dreams now mostly consist of not realizing I've been assigned a class until the first day and having to get up in front of a class full of students in an inappropriately sized room with no textbook or syllabus.
I am 43 and I come from post communist country. I was always considered a gifted child and got diagnosed with ADHD and ASD after 40. We didn't have the orals and I think there was just one hour long parent meeting a semester where all of the parents were present. There was 32 of us in class. I didn't even got the written assessments. I was mostly just overlooked or flat out ignored. I wasn't anxious too much but I was very dissociated because I had some abuse at home. As a result I never learnt how to teach myself or how to have the discipline. I later dropped out of high school and had a lot of problems down the road. I had a lot of shame around it but lately I am starting to understand that I was robbed, that it wasn't normal and it was definitely not my fault. I am so happy that kids today at least have a chance.
my experience is similar. sending you a hug.
@@darklittlepeople Awww sending you one back! 🤗 I was able to really better my situation after the diagnoses. I am now taking meds for ADHD and it is making wonders for me. I hope you are better too! Thank you! 😄
Sounds like a really rough time :(
I think it's amazing that you're being so brave to be open about it & I'm happy that you're doing better now ☺
@@MerryMoss Awww thank you! 🧡 My life in general is a testament on how attention and care is important througout in life and especially in childhood. It would save a lot of pain if we were able to emphatize with and help kids that need it.
My experience similar too I was abused and blamed at home my mother was so narcissistic said horrible things to me. I had problems at school had 32 other students there and one teacher it was a nightmare I often left sat struggling to do school work I ended up messing around because teacher couldn’t help me as they said got 32 students to teach it was so annoying and I was often so bored I had roll paper and sneak throwing them on teachers back quite funny and at times I stuck drawing pins in teachers chair that was funny teachers never seen me threw balls paper at them the boys used get blamed as teachers thought it was them that did it. I was very sneaky type the only thing I got Into trouble with is fighting when trying fight with bullies. I was very defensive type at school I used to punch bullies for shy students I was like a Amazon warrior had a lot friends and I diagnosed high functioning autistic too but had a smart way to socialize well I wasn’t keen on team sports I found that difficult but could talk a lot I think I got ADHD too but never got diagnosed of that I have a monkey mind of ADHD disorganized along with autistic mind special talents gifted mind. I mentioned part a ADHD to a doctor said I struggle with executive cannot organize or stick to tasks he said really and seemed shocked a bit I replied yes he didn’t go any further than that.
Oooh this one hit home! Seeming mature, not participating in class discussions, being quiet… the times I’ve been told these things!
After years of seeing different therapists, I finally got diagnosed with autism this week, which explains all of the problems I‘ve been dealing with for all of my life, especially back in school. I feel like i’m finally getting to know myself and I keep finding so many hints of my autism in my past.
I really want to thank you for your videos! They helped me A LOT during the diagnostic process, especially when it came to putting my experiences into words. You‘re absolutely amazing. Looking forward to the release of your workbook. Have a great week! 💜
Congratulations on your diagnosis! I'm also really excited about the workbook (hoping there's an accessible version). Haven't gone for an AS diagnosis myself - but it took me 12 years to get my EDS diagnosis, so I'm really unsure about taking up another long fight
15:55 Oh! That's why I have to watch TV with subtitles! It sort of feels like I'm straining my eyes and ears to hear and lipread properly but when I'm able to look at the subtitles allows me to sort of relax more
Great that you found an accommodation!
My reports never had such distinct descriptions of a student. In america, it's about shoving kids through the system with the only attention being paid (and even then, not a lot) toward making sure they have the minimal required skills to function in the next year's classes.
We get things about as descriptive as "needs improvement" and "pleasure to have in class" and that's it
I guess it's better than getting cutting criticisms about being a disappointment but yeah.
This was so interesting and now I want to dig up my own old reports :D I remember certain buzzwords like "stubborn", "shy", "slow" and "So much potential iiiiif nooooot foooor bla bla bla". Also, CONGRATS on the workbook!! It will help so many people, thank you!
I was the "always a pleasure to teach." I was almost always quiet and observant. I was a lover of learning so I enjoyed class and the teachers loved me.
Got a good bit of the "needs to contribute more."
Timed tasks have always been a major stressors for me. I remember having a cry in some cases.
A lot of what you had said of you reflects what was said of me.
I recently had a look at some of my old school reports, from nursery and most of primary school; even as young as 3, and in every one of these reports, there was comments about me being easily distracted, distracted others and "she really needs to try harder to stay on task"... I'm now 28 with a recent autism diagnosis and lookng into getting an ADHD assessment.
I was diagnosed with ADHD at 7, and 44 now and recently diagnosed AuDHD. A lot of these are similar to what I received over the years. I was quiet and didn't talk much but obsessed with certain subjects. There is one thing that I am embarrassed about and I feel like it tarnished my school memories, I learned that if I acted out I could go to ISS, which was really nice because it was quiet and I could think, so naturally "I loved it!". I liked your self-esteem boost to read "yes, I am quite excellent" part, it made me smile. And, the "I've worked on creating tension within a scene" funny edit, and this part has happened to me many times in the past, I was honestly trying to get out of the spotlight but other people didn't think that. I also have a gap and get self-conscious of it but lately, I've been thinking it gives me character. Have a great day!
Hi. Glad I found your channel. I'm African and yet I relate to most of the contents of your videos.
My primary school reports were all positive, except for the shyness and lack of social interactions. Teachers loved having me in their classes and would place me in debating competitions - where I would proceed to cram the points and relate them in a very mechanical way 😆
Junior secondary school (middle school) was manageable but I started becoming inattentive...
Senior secondary (high) school was a struggle and my report cards were filled with "she could do better if she would just..." I still graduated top of my class but it wasn't easy.
University was tough. I was so overwhelmed. But still managed to graduate 😅
Law school was torture (I'm an attorney) especially because I was pregnant with my first son. I now have four sons!
And now with 3 teenagers and a toddler, I can't even explain to anyone how I cope, for everyday is like crisis management for me 😟
From what I've observed (from my experiences) autistic traits manifest earlier (and are more dominant?) and ADHD symptoms stay low-key but manifest/keep increasing as life gets more complicated.
By the way, I'm self diagnosed- over here most people aren't inclined to accept mental health issues and as an adult who appears normal, no one will believe me.
I hear you! So helpful!
I think yeah with AuDHD the autism masks the ADHD until it can't anymore and then we are "exposed" as actually being unreliable and lazy, as though they are retrospectively angry that we were masking and not actually encouraging that behaviour...
Omg I can relate. I had anxiety, an eating disorder and couldn’t concentrate at school. Dropped out and got a job but quit due to anxiety and humiliation of my learning disability being discovered when I couldn’t grasp basic things. I had an attempt at studying nursing 9 years ago but couldn’t keep up with the study load and ended up going crazy. Work and study pressure always makes me crazy. Never doing that again.
My reports were always - quiet and conscientious, shy/reserved, good at academics, not good at physical education. In secondary school the same but less of the pleasure to teach, more comments about attitude and motivation and lacking school spirit and having potential but not using it. Yeah, I was a high-masking and 'gifted' autistic kid who crashed into burnout and unrecognised and untreated mental illness in secondary school. (80s-90s)
It was such a difference when it was a teacher who accepted me as myself, even if they didn't know the full picture, rather than those who were obviously frustrated by me and would pull me aside to instruct me to somehow be a different person.
I'm a big believer in letting kids be kids, as their authentic selves with their needs met, supporting and encouraging them and not having all these adult pressures and expectations on them that aren't remotely necessary. My kids have had a better experience than me in lots of ways but there is still so much room for improvement in education.
Why are kids always told to do their best in every single thing every single day? No healthy adult operates that way, neurodivergent or not. It's fine to sometimes do our mediumest and to not enjoy some subjects. I have strong feelings about it all being a perfectionist in recovery. Those "do your best" messages can have such a toxic effect.
"Why are kids always told to do their best in every single thing every single day? No healthy adult operates that way, neurodivergent or not."
Hahaha, yeah...no one...definitely not me...
The amount of times I heard 'She would get top marks if only she would apply herself' and NO ONE explained what they meant by that. I was devastated to hear that about a project I did on horses in primary school. Looking back I didn't search for the proper name for the coat because I liked my version better, but that's all I remember.
Though I hated it at the time, I received some great life advice from my high school English teacher who gave me 1 point from perfect on my poster that I was super proud of. Nothing is perfect. Looking back on it, it eased off some of the pressure to achieve perfection. Too bad it happened in my final year and not much, much earlier.
I had very similar report cars reviews in elementary school. In middle/high school, our school didn't give any additional feedback, just a grade. I am undiagnosed, but I definitely relate a lot to your experiences. Thanks for sharing. I feel validated!
I crashed and burned very hard about a year and a half into secondary school and something I notice looking back is that the way my so-called soft skills were perceived was largely based on how well I did in exams. We didn't have any text evaluations then but we had grades for things like reliabilty and politeness (not actual grades but checkmarks in a table that very clearly correspond to grades) as well as having oral participation as a fixed part of every one of our grades.
My adhd definitely shows in how I was marked for those soft skills but they seem to have given me the highest mark they possibly could and it was always just remarked as a little something I could improve on. My grades benefitted from that but it also led to me not getting any assistance.
Then when my grades drop I suddenly get super bad grades on the soft-skills stuff too. One example is "independence." When you were bad at my school you were basically ignored, your questions weren't answered and the main attention you got was in order to be told of or punished. So how was I suddenly not independent? As soon as my grades started to drop my positive personal and interpersonal qualities weren't really seen anymore which created a sort of feedback loop because of course it demotivated me from trying.
I feel that a part of this came from me having done well beforehand. If I suddenly had bad grades it must be because I'm not trying and I am doing it out of spite. So suddenly I am not graded as independent and polite and as a team player. I even remember being yelled at once by a teacher when she asked why I hadn't raised my hand about a question and I said it was because I didn't know. She accused me of lying and demanded over and over that I tell her the answer. That would have never happened when I was getting good grades and it also never happened to the straight A students who never spoke up in class (I don't blame them).
No matter how I was doing in school my personal traits, problems and strenghts were seen by most adults only through the lense of my academic achievements which is quite strange to me. A lot of people really like these text evaluations and spreadsheats about students' personality because they think it makes teachers see them more as whole persons but I have started to despise it because it just doesn't work. I think it encourages teachers to judge students' whole person and often to tell "good students" they are a good person and "bad students" they are a bad person. Treating somebody as a person comes from the way you think about them and interact with them, not spreadsheets and fancy words.
I distinctly remember my teacher telling me "You're wasting your potential" after I'd gotten pulled to the principals office for the 30th time that year. And I immediately hated that word and still do to this day. "Potential" became a code word for "not good enough" or "not trying hard enough" and I was trying my absolute hardest. I now have an AuDHD daughter diagnosed and have self-diagnosed myself, and I lose it when people put those expectations on her. Oh the uninformed teachers of the 90's/2000s 😒
I was often kicked out of class for being quite in secondary school, I was constantly being screamed at by teachers too. Sometimes the teachers would come up to me and start screaming at me for no reason. Most of the time I found the work to be too hard, they never asked if I was struggling, they would just get angry and yell.
I most of my reports were poor.
I'm sorry you went thru that.
My school reports have on the same page: "pleasant and funny, smart and knowledgeable" and "poor work, has difficulties but also no motivation"
Others were the usual "this poor result does not reflect his true potential"
Unfortunately, I was doing well enough overall so the issues were never taken seriously or dismissed to lack of motivation. I was "gifted" I skipped a class at a young age and was born in september so I was like a year and half younger than my classmates; this put TREMENDOUS pressure. There are topics that were simply too advanced for my cognitive age and I also stuggled with audio processing and ADHD, "but he is excellent in maths and physics and he does well when he applies himself, so there are no issues there"
I had so much potential if only I would apply myself and try. The whole time I'm desperately trying to decipher what I'm reading as I can't focus on the page for more than 10 seconds before my mind started to wander uncontrollably, and when the teacher was talking I either already knew it, or was so bored I was in a daydream as *THEY* weren't trying IMHO. The few classes I actually learnt stuff in, were ofc the really engaging teachers, and luckily for me science was full of them kind of teachers (bar 1 that I had who EVERYONE hated), so I got to learn at least one subject I enjoyed at school lol.
In high school, I finally had the epiphany that "being bright" and "being good at academics" were not synonymous. Alas, I chose to share this insight with my social studies teacher, whose response was roughly: "uh-huh. So when will I have that paper you owe me?" I suppose it was better shared with a therapist, but I was about 40 years shy of getting one of those...
"Amy is a joy to teach, but she takes everything too much to heart"
I cried on the street listening to this video as I finally know why I suffered so much on the inside as a child whilst everyone praised how I was the best in all my classes. I secretly wished I was stupid so I could catch a break and ended up as a panic attack/self sabotaging 'adult'.
Same combination for me. ADHD, autism and giftedness. The autism took me by suprise and i am binge watching your videos and reading up on stuff now to make sense of it. Your videos are really helpful. I am so happy that you have uploaded content on these subjects.
Something i did notice immediately is your way of speaking: mimic/expressions, movement, switching subjects, the entire package... it is quite similar. As if I am watching myself actually (when I am in a comfortable environment and feeling at ease to speak and act freely).
I was diagnosed with ADHD last year at 36 and part of my journey to accepting it (I was having feelings that I was just an imposter) was reading my report cards. Going back to kindergarten, all my teachers commented on my lack of focus and every year they saw me struggle more. But I was a girl, I was quiet and non disruptive (because of severe anxiety) and it was the 90s.
I wish they’d have known better then.
I used to go to a public secondary school and this reminds me a lot about my school
It was very strict, we had to where uniforms and behavior which was 'less than expected' was frowned upon, and I can remember all my confidence dropping in that school almost as soon as I started learning there
Primary school teacher, checking in. I completely understand the sentiment you are expressing in this video. I agree that as teachers we should look beyond the obvious, really try to understand the root cause of student behaviour and provide support accordingly. Unfortunately, many aspects of the profession can get in the way of even the most well intentioned teacher. In my experience, a student with at least one strong advocate in their corner has the best change of getting the support they need. This leaves many students, often the ones that need it the most, with the double burden of not only trying to understand their own thoughts and feelings but also the responsibility of conveying them in a way that others can make sense of. A truly complex problem to which I have no ready made solution.
I found my elementary school report cards when I was 21, just after I spent six years completing three years of high school. I was surprised that the one thing they all had in common was that every single teacher said I did great work, but was slow to complete tasks (with variations of "needs to apply herself" and "a pleasure to have in class" peppered in) I didn't remember that at all. None of them mentioned it to me. By junior high it was a problem, though I struggled through, but high school was a disaster. I didn't get an ADHD diagnosis til I was 35, and I'm still waiting for an official autism one.
These patterns were apparent for such a long time for so many of us, but were disregarded. I feel like we all need to mourn our lost potential.
I was always described as "quiet", "shy", "a pleasure to have in class", and "mature for my age". I was an "easy child" and always got straight As. I was in a ton of honors and AP classes... But I literally didn't have any friends outside of class for most of my childhood. I can pretty much count the amount of times I did anything social with other kids outside of school hours on one hand. I just didn't know how to socialize and had debilitating social anxiety. I'd get overwhelmed and shut down in social situations. I'd get so anxious I'd basically disassociate if forced to do any sort of public speaking, but I kept forcing myself to do it in hopes I would eventually "get over it" and learn how to be normal.
I struggled so much and was horribly depressed most of my life; even suicidal at times. But I guess I masked it all really well so no one knew. And the one time the adults in my life did notice I had issues they ended up blaming it on the fact that my parents were getting divorced, even though I literally couldn't care less about that... So I never got any actual help or support. I just grew up feeling like I was broken and alone.
The 'not trying hard enough' was a haunting refrain throughout my life. And, unfortunately, my environment both at home and school was based around the attitude of "this is the real world, do better. Be better. What is wrong with you? You're not happy? Join the club. Life isn't about you, and I just have too much going on. I can't give you anything else." And that constant message that my own happiness was completely unimportant - in fact, selfish - just layered a lot of strain and pain on top of my existing issues. I'm now 41 years old, and while I've excavated a lot of old things and cleared a lot of space in my mind regarding my old home life (which was loaded with a variety of things that needed to be healed), I'm still really struggling to work out my dual Autism/ADHD issues. It's really easy to get frustrated with myself and start to be really nasty about my failings. In school, I just slowly gave up. I managed to graduate, but I only did really well in the subjects that reached a different part of myself - such as choir/jazz ensemble, the only area in which I won awards. Everything else slowly tanked, and I didn't go to college really until I was in my thirties.
I got sent to be tested for speech therapy for pronouncing "milk" the way it's spelled. I was also in a pullout program to "make more friends" and "get more organized" and the gifted pullout program at the same time. Once I was told to let other students speak in music class, so quit speaking in that class, then was asked why I wasn't talking.
I just want to say that your videos have given me so much comfort in the last few days. I suspected I had autism a few months ago after being diagnosed last year with ADHD and consuming content on neurodiversity, so I scheduled a diagnostic appointment. But when I watched other videos from people who only had autism, not autism+ADHD, I got very discouraged and confused and had a hard time relating. It wasn't until I found your channel and another one with combination Autism+ADHD that it started to make more sense. Thank you for your information and you come off very kind.
My pre-elementary reports kept saying "she learns too far ahead of all her classmates and needs to slow down" in a negative connotation. Gee sorry to inconvenience you teacher
As a primary teacher and possible ASD/ADHD person, I find this to be a very complicated issue. Teachers have to provide feedback in a very specific way, and back in the 80s when I was growing up, no teachers would have been taught to spot this kind of thing. In my twelve years as a teacher I failed some children, but also helped others. It took knowledge and experience. I'm kind of grieving watching this video as I see all the things my teachers didn't spot. I could have had a very different life. But I am glad to know what I know now and push forward helping myself. I no longer teach children but I still work with them occasionally and want to protect any kid that seems different.
Yes this is something I tried to explain to doctors who refused to give me a late diagnosis. When I was in school no one even knew inattentive type ADHD existed, let alone that AuDHD existed! I can't blame my teachers for "failing to notice" a condition that had no diagnostic criteria and for which they received no training! Ultimately I did have a go at teaching but I just couldn't do it. The grading system made no more sense to me as an adult than it did as a child, and being a cog in the machine I had always hated wore me down into burn out very quickly. I do love educating, but I hate being a teacher.
I’m in my 40s and was diagnosed a few years ago with ADHD and also as autistic a couple of years later. I’m in the US and went to public (free) school. For me, my reports when I was younger (pre-puberty) are riddled with comments like, “makes careless mistakes,” “talks to her neighbors too much,” and “doesn’t use time wisely.” Last year, I pulled them out and showed them to my kid who is 10, neurodivergent, and getting the same sorts of comments. It was easier for her to talk about how she felt when we started by first talking about how I remember feeling about my teacher saying those things to me. I did do much better in school after about the age 13 or so because by then I had figured out some coping skills and I never had to sit still for more than an hour at a time. But once I started doing really well, the pressure to keep achieving at a really high level to constantly improve became more and more intolerable.
Oh and ditto on the hearing/processing/visualizing words and difficulty with French issue. I did much better with Italian where they pronounce all the letters.
So much of what you were saying sounded familiar, so I went back through my report cards, and- yep. Not turning things in, lots of potential, needs to participate more in class, well-behaved. It was therapeutic to think through those years and feel compassion for my young self who struggled so much. ❤
Thank you for this video! I can relate for sure! Only recently (in my thirties) have I realized how deeply the "do better, then do better" mantra had seeped into my being and disconnected me from my humanness. Also, I work in a public middle school, and this video is so revealing about how report cards work. I will keep your reflection with me as I collaborate with teachers!
It is comforting to think that this will have a positive impact on the kids you come into contact with. One thing I kept thinking about when watching the video is how unhelpful the "talent" myth is. Basically, if you tell a kid they're talented, or have "natural ability", you are not giving them any actual information about what they are doing right. Then you are piling on an anxiety-rich expectation. If the kid is struggling, they are "not fulfilling their potential". None of these comments are helpful to the kid, who doesn't know which thing they did got the positive response, and now is anxious about focussing on the wrong thing next time. As to not fulfilling potential, how many teachers go on to make a constructive suggestion about how the kid can learn differently? How many of them think about how they might actually teach differently in an effort to support the kids who are struggling? I tend to tell young people in formal education that a bad grade reflects badly on their teacher or school.
I had a genius level IQ and always did extremely well on tests, but my teachers hated me. They hated that I asked so many questions and because I was so weird. I encountered a lot of physical and emotional abuse. Like my second grade teacher grabbing me by the arm and tossing me into a row of desks. My third grade teacher convincing my father that, even though I'd passed every subject, I should be held back. She smugly said it was her retirement gift to herself. My fourth grade teacher paddled me for arguing with her about a topic. She was wrong and I corrected her, so she took me into the principal's office, had me grab my ankles, and hit me repeatedly with a wooden paddle. My fifth grade teacher put me in remedial classes, which was just them locking myself and two other kids in a room together all day 3 days a week. I taught the other two children. In sixth grade I was up for student of the month. My teacher told me I didn't get it because all of the other teachers in the school hated me. At the same time all of this happened, I was on a regional champion academic team, was a championship sprinter (until I was kicked off the team for having an eating disorder), and I started taking university classes at age 11 (until the head of the academic scholarship program embezzled all of the money used to fund my classes). I was sure I didn't have autism as a kid because everyone told me autistic people didn't have - or understand - feelings. I was intensely aware of subtle changes to people's moods and was taking sociology and human behavioral studies classes at uni. Little did I know all my autistic traits were why people hated me.
I excelled and was a top student in elementary and middle school then crashed and burned in high school. They called me "smart but very lazy". At home I was taught to be the perfect worker, to never make mistakes and exceed expectations. Despite how much I was struggling, the only thing my parents cared about was my school work and my grades. They never asked how _I_ was doing, only how my work was coming along.
Gosh this is very relatable. Almost identical to mine. The “you are amazingly conscientious and dilligent , but could do better”comments run all the way through mine. As do the “just try not to be so shy please” ones. Spoiler alert: I burn out a lot in adulthood
I never got extensive comments like that in school, but my report cards always said that I was quiet and shy and should participate more. Also that I had trouble concentrating, and that I could do so much better if I put my mind to it. One History teacher in secondary school told my parents that I would never amount to anything, but that probably was because I got a 3 (out of 10) for History, and hated learning about the second world war, which as far as I can remember was all we ever did 😄 I got 9s and 10s for subjects I was interested in, like Dutch, English and French 🥇 I also very regularly got called diligent and serious, I was trying so hard not to let my parents down 😞
Oh Sam, this video was brilliant!
My mother may have *ahem* “lost” all my school reports (despite retaining my younger siblings’ in their entirety), but I vividly remember the “pleasure to teach”, and “such high potential” comments on each and every one… Until my Anorexia became so problematic that I was reduced to studying frenetically a few weeks before exams, to make up for the few years’ worth of content I would miss in treatment.
As a new subscriber, I’m thrilled to see someone of a similar age to myself, uploading content that feels to relevant and personal; the bravery it must have taken to be so raw and vulnerable with a community of strangers is very much appreciated.
Your reports sound just like mine. I used to have comments about drawing pictures on all my work. Shy, quiet, high grades. I just started Adderall at age 60 and will be assessed for ASD in 3 months (I'm pretty sure it will be positive). I always had anxiety but didn't show it, and I learned about ADHD and ASD from watching TH-cam videos about that. Thanks for all your information!
Thanks for sharing Sam! Schools in Brazil don't give out these type of reports but it resonates a lot to how my teachers treated me and possibly talked to my parents
i spent my childhood moving around the US so i can't imagine what i'd have to do to get my school transcripts but hearing you read yours really feels good enough. i remember hearing almost the exact same things on my report cards. i started thinking i might be autistic about 15 years ago and realised it was the case about 5 years ago. i "came out" to my husband about being autistic around the same time you got your formal diagnosis but i still have yet to be diagnosed formally myself. i worry that without a formal diagnosis i'll never be able to progress in life because i don't have income of my own. without a job and a diagnosis i'm just "lazy" and "dramatic" and "diagnosing myself with all kinds of trendy disorders"
i dunno what my point is i just love watching your videos cuz it's one place i feel seen. finding out in this video that you and i are the same age but divided by access to healthcare helps me to see that with modern medicine maybe there is hope for me. i just gotta get out of the USA.
Every school report: "Doesn't work up to potential. Talks to much."
I talked because I was anxious. I was in school during the 70s and 80s. No one noticed I was struggling because I passed everything without studying. My parents divorced when I was 14 and things got worse from there with depression and anxiety. Edit: oh and I was "gifted". I did go straight to college as a vocal performance major and I ended up in a psych hospital. Demonstrating what you said about if you would have gone to Oxford what would have happened. It happened to me.
Hope you are doing better now💓
@@alexdiaz4296 yes. Those things were many years ago now. Thank you! 💜
Thank you for sharing this! I had some similar feelings going back through my old college things a couple months ago, especially noticing how everything my public speaking teacher was critiquing was related to my autism-eye contact, gestures, vocal variation, etc. I remember my growing frustration because I had absolutely no idea how to fix the things he was criticizing, and I’m sad for myself now knowing the reason why.
Also, I would love to see the P&P video!
I had a lot of trust issues in high school. Because if I did make friends, I thought that they wanted something from me. Bc im physically disabled, I had to use the elevator every hour, so I had to ask somebody to carry my books. I was naive and thought “that any person would want to be my friend if I would just ask them to carry my books.” I was wrong; they just wanted to get out early. So now as an adult, I have such a hard time trusting people who literally just want to be my friend. I do think that I held my guard up so much, bc of my Autism and ADHD, that no on wanted to be my friend. But also my Autism working too hard at being such a robot and not giving anything back emotionally to other people who wanted to get to know me better. So now, i have to unlearn everything that I taught myself in high school in order to protect myself. Does anyone else feel the same way?
Yes!
Yes I know what you mean. Unlearning things from those difficult high school years has been a huge part of my adult life. Some things I let go of within the early years after, but other things have taken me many years. I think once I realised I was autistic and had some context and understanding it helped the process immensely. It really is a big reprogramming project and so much of it is insidious and subconscious and takes time to really identify and address.
These pretty much read like my school reports, and I also feel like they didn’t notice the overwhelm that caused me struggle, not only with the amount of work, but also with the high expectations that were set on me. That pressure is still affecting me today as it hinders me in many aspects of my adult life, and it can really destroy anything you initially found joyful learning.
😂😂😂 Seems like we have a little scammer on board.
i'm constantly amazed and validated in how much i recognise myself in your experience. I am so grateful you put this out there. I was much more volatile because of the bullying I was subject to, but everything matches almost flawlessly. in elementary school my reports mostly focused on me being ostracised and lonely, and all responsibility on making friends was put on me.
I'm 48, went to a girls grammar school in the 80s, and my reports were SO similar to this - with the exception that I was the "chatty" or "lively" one - "a pleasure" in my younger classes. As I got older, I need to "just focus more, just concentrate" in order to "reach my full potential"... My ADHD is (now!!) diagnosed and I feel is the more prominent condition, but as time goes on I'm more and more convinced I'm autistic too. My 8 year old son is the one I'm worried for. He's in an ultra supportive primary, he's incredibly bright and his teachers love him, they know we're awaiting assessment, and he has the SEN and Nurture lead both keeping an eye, we couldn't ask for better, but his anxiety and need for perfection are through the roof. Dreading the upcoming search for a secondary...
Wasted potential was the big thing for me. One of my elementary school teachers told my mom that she thought I could be the valedictorian if I just applied myself more which, looking back, seems a bit early to start throwing around terms like that.
I am getting flashbacks.. "well behaved and pleasant but disorganized and has trouble completing work on time."
Little did I know that Autism slowed me down because I took every single question literally and couldn't answer a question unless I was perfectly sure what was being asked... And the disorganization..
After talking to my doc, I realized that most of my difficulties started around 4th grade when we started having more class changes, which is common in ADHD.
I recently read through my secondary school reports and had very similar comments. One particularly which made me laugh was from my English teacher in the first year I was there, where he said that my reading level was only average! My siblings and I came to the conclusion that he didn’t know who I was as I was extremely shy and quiet and I was probably too busy obsessively reading to tell him how good I was!
When I started considering I might be autistic, a couple months ago, I asked to get my school records. I was only able to get my hands on the one from middle school and high school, none of the primary ones. The ones from middles schools shows a good satifaction from my teachers overall. I'm really surprised that none of them talks about how dis-organised I was because I remember that I was constantly forgetting my books and workbooks and homeworks... Some teachers noted that I was quiet, but others wrote that I was participating well, so that's confusing to me. Then, the reports from high school are completly different. I was struggling with depression at that time because of a personnal situation and suddenly, the reports turns to "lake of personnal work" "distracted" "makes careless mistakes", which is more what I expected in the first place.
I think my teachers probably viewed me as somewhat of a paradox. I rarely did homework or participated in class, but I did really good on tests, so my overall grades were decent. A lot of what you said in this video rings true for my experiences as well.
Wow, can totally relate. I'm just at the beginning of my journey of self-discovery, but I'm learning so much thanks to channels like yours. All this time, I'd put it all down to me just being lazy, not trying hard enough, lacking diligence and pretty much just flaws with my personality. Turns out one thing I'm not bad at, it seems, is my ability to mask and didn't even realise that's what I had been doing all my life. Was only in losing both of my parents in the last few years that everything kinda fell apart and found channels like yours that filled in so many blanks that I didn't even realise were there. So, thank you! :)
My experience in school was much like yours. I'm 65 now, finally officially diagnosed with ADHD. I am not officially diagnosed with autism, but I've identified as autistic since having to fight tooth and nail to get a diagnosis for my daughter. It has affected my life in so many ways, both positive and negative. My school reports are full of the same thing. I aced tests but never did homework. I was too busy actually learning things.
It's an interesting time to be an older undiagnosed ND. I'm glad you have finally been recognized for some of your difference, and that that has brought you some forms of relief. I'm hopeful for the future, and I also sometimes mourn for my past. You're not alone.
@@autonomic_pilot The internet is wonderful for people like me who rarely find people who really relate. It's getting better, but there's a long way to go. DD's behavior in school screamed autism, but it took until she was 11 years old to get a diagnosis. And then there was nothing in school that would actually work for her. Apparently kids magically get all better when they hit 8, certainly by the time they're 12.
Definitely not alone. There was not a lot of diagnosis going on when we were kids, and the lack of attention to our generation kind of followed us: all the webinars on ADHD in older adults start by noting that almost no research has been done on the subject. Some experts even insist that ADHD could not possibly get worse in old age, which is odd considering it is recognized that cognitive functions tend to decline later in life. Of course, it was even worse for my parents, both of whom were clearly undiagnosed ND. And all the things I read from younger ND folks (including Sam) indicates that things are still nowhere near where they should be.
Mine were very funny when I found them last year (80s and 90s for reference). The teachers liked to talk about how the child can improve at the first report, and then the next report is so much better, then the last report of the year the teacher hopes the child continues on the current path next year. It is very formulaic. Mine were "she is so quiet, needs to speak in class." Then "she spoke in class" because I had no choice and was forced to do an oral presentation or something. Then "she came out of her shell, hopefully she stays that way." Next year, it started all over again. "Too quiet." It would have made such a difference to be treated like quiet was ok.
This is so... Familiar feeling. I've been watching. You and several other creators in the neurodibergent spaces and hearing things like this help me loosen my imposter syndrome's grip.
I was always quiet. Pleasant to teach. Smart. I never struggled academically (until college) but it became my pillar upon which I built myself. Every other aspect is nearly blank to me - I wrote stories to help me cope and played video games (RPGs) to socialize.
Oh yes. My teachers always were disappointed with me because ‘you could do so much better if you only worked a little harder’
I was doing well. But apparently never well enough.
And Oxford… oh, I was obsessed with Oxford as a teen. I’m not even english, but that was sort of the goal of my life then (nooooooooooo, not because my special interest is and always was the works of a certain professor. Perhaps it was lucky I never dared, as this is not a basis on which to make such choices)
"has potential" will forever haunt me. It will probably be on my gravestone 😅
Someone told me that " Perhaps my best wasn't enough," after finding out I had failed statistics in my degree. We weren't close but he probably meant no harm as a passing comment. The fact that i still remember it after 5 years surely says something
This felt like listening to my own school reports - I'm in awe, honestly gobsmacked how similar our reports are. I thought about how much pressure the school environment put me under because of the praise and expectations that I would always do well and be a 'pleasure to teach' - people didn't understand why in S5 I had really bad anxiety, panic attacks and self harm issues - secondary school teachers were confused and saying 'you are the only one setting such high standards for yourself' but they conditioned me to be that way also!
Wow thank you so much for sharing this. SO much of what was written about you was written about me in my reports too, particularly the quiet, diligent, hardworking, conscientious stuff. As you say, it sounds like a wonderful thing to say about a child but it actually places an enormous pressure on you to live up to that expectation.
I only wish my teachers had focused more on me as a person rather than my outputs (grades) and I might have been diagnosed earlier and received the support I needed.
🧐 there were so many simultaneous reactions in this video. I see your truth and feel mine exposed at the same time. My report said, “he would do better if he focused during assignments”. And a few other trigger items. I’m 48 undiagnosed, I have two kids both diagnosed with ADHD, one on a path for ASD assessment.
The moment for me was when you said “why would I think about what makes me happy”. You and I both seemed to have a simultaneous flashback to childhood and our faces changed to sad. Thank you for sharing, it will truly help people. (There we go again not thinking about ourselves!)
I had a couple of differences that made it even less obvious that I was mentally struggling. I did get my work in, I got double time on tests and was in special Ed (in the US public school), and class was one of the few places where I did open my mouth, because I knew all the answers. So I was the brilliant student who didn't want friends. Nevermind the pressure I was putting on myself, the struggle to do my homework every night, and the frequent meltdowns.
I cried so much when reviewing my comments since 11 years old. So much. Everything was as you told. Specially... "If she worked harder... She could fulfill all her potencial"
So many people with autism. We need to develop the ways of teaching and excepting difference
Thanks for the video and sharing your experience! I can definitely relate. And yes yes yes to a Pride and Prejudice video!
All mine were similar. Quiet, easily distracted, daydreams a lot. I was organized, but not focused. I had issues turning work in on time.
But when you mentioned the auditory issues, and trying to envision the spoken words in your head, I felt so seen! I thought I was the only person who did that!
Thank you again for your content.
I remember when I was in elementary school, my teachers would keep tabs on me each day and send notes home to my parents up until second grade. And this was when I was only diagnosed with PDD (this was the 2000s, keep in mind). I didn’t get a proper ASD diagnosis until I was in middle school.
Sounds so much like my report cards, 😊 the subjects I loved I was considered enthusiastic, gifted, clever, excellent, ones I didn’t i “didn’t apply myself”. Always does homework last minute. Thoroughly nice and polite also were other themes. ADHD-I
I kept tearing up because these were so similar to mine. I just feel so sad for little me too. Also I would love a Pride and Prejudice video
Very relatable. Almost every primary school report says "needs to develop confidence ,participate more in class and group discussions, needs to speed up as often work does not get completed, even getting dressed for PE can take an age"
I also got "very pleasant, quiet and kind, achieving above national average" "notices patterns very well" "high attention to detail" "analytical" and very similar comments about needing to speed up or talk more in order to "achieve my potential". I was also depressed and anxious in school.
I went to a similar school ( feeder for Oxbridge ) and my reports were pretty much the same …quite in class, lacks confidence , doesn’t contribute orally ..followed by ‘ if she can achieve these marks with such frequent absence imagine what she is capable of “ . I was badly bullied all throughout my secondary school years and often had to absent myself to get away from the bullies …that was in the 1980’s ..I often wonder how different my life might have been if someone had recognised I was probably autistic …. I have my assessment in 2 weeks time aged 51.
I cannot wait for your workbook! Congratulations on it and thank you for all of the hard work you put into it for us all! My Dad was my principal throughout all of my grades and I learned really early on that what the teachers wrote about me was not always what was happening in reality. I had a teacher in the 4th grade that not only discovered a reading comprehension problem but actually spoke up about it to my Dad. It took a full year of after school lessons as well as 1 entire summer of concentrated one on one work to correct it. I have always wondered what they would have said about me if my Dad was not the principal and their boss? Thanks so much! 💗
This is so relatable! Especially the "needs to talk more" comments without any mention of "how can we make you more comfortable?"
YES I NEED THE PRIDE AND PREJUDICE VIDEO ‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️
I used to tutor a couple of girls in Japan who were tweens, and their daily workload was basically that of a graduate student. It's unreal the amount of expectations and structure we put on young kids.
Your comments are so interesting! Mine were all like "quiet, well-behaved, and messy". I don't think anyone really noticed me more than that, and no personal comments after grade school. My 2 older kids get the same. "Pleasure to have in class" is the comment their teachers all pick out of the menu of possible choices, but they'd have "messy" if they could!
I was born with hearing loss and some vision loss in one eye. I'm also neurodivergent (high IQ and ADHD/Autistic traits), and have several diagnosed medical conditions. I survived school, and didn't understand "homework" until I was taking my Master's degree.
I hope we have more acceptance and support for kids these days than I had.
This whole thing is LITERALLY MY LIFE, I was quiet, I was loved by my teachers but got bullied by my classmates constantly. I often forgot to turn in homework and was told off for being unable to be concise in my essays, and then when I was in exams I did great until I was doing my IB and my parents didn't force me to sit down and study anymore like they did when I was a child.
This fits so hard I think I'm going for psych eval, now at 24
Being able to write massively long, over time-limit essays on my tests is the only accommodation I received in high school now that I think of it. It wasn't an official thing but some teachers didn't mind. I guess I should be thankful to them for that. My hand always hurt a lot from trying to compensate for my dysgraphia though.