Why Gifted Kids Are Actually Special Needs
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 29 พ.ค. 2024
- Listen in on how Dr. K breaks down how being a gifted kid may not be all it's cracked up to be. Talking through the pathway of gifted child that leads to burnt out perfectionist and how the gifted child moniker may be more of a burden than a benefit.
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▼ Timestamps ▼
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0:00 - Reddit Post: Gifted Kid Meme
0:45 - Perception of 'Gifted'
1:57 - Gifted children are 'special needs'
3:17 - The purpose of school
3:53 - Falling into the trap of not studying
4:16 - Being gifted young sets you up to fail
6:49 - How this manifests later in life
7:40 - The burden of expectation
11:47 - Shame and low self-esteem
14:24 - What do we do about it?
15:01 - Stop comparison
17:23 - Accept that success is hard work
22:06 - Summary and questions
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I sent
My son your video ❤❤❤❤
Why Gifted People are Considered Special Needs, because a Very Evil Element Controls the Education and Medical Feilds. The Feminist Teachers Stomped Down on Me, and Refused to Allow me an Education and put me in a Windowless room by myself till they kicked me out of school.
This was way too relatable to me man, thanks for posting this.
This video totally misses the mark. Gifted kids _become_ special needs because the raised nail gets hammered down. We get diagnosed with mental illnesses because adults put unreasonable expectations and then wonder why the kid has psychological issues. I don't mean "why don't you do your work" - we don't do our work because we subconsciously recognize our extra efforts will go unrewarded. I mean like inattention, procrastination, perfectionism, depression; all caused by their lack of support and tendency to treat us unfairly. Illnesses they then try to medicate away instead of changing their unreasonable expectations. Then we grow up thinking we're "special needs" because we were *broken* by them.
I have a genius level I.Q. I was treated unfairly from kindergarten, which because of my mentality, I tended to disregard. I wanted to learn, dammit; never mind all this other stuff.
That disregard was diagnosed as FIVE mental illnesses. All medication failed to have the desired effect. Apparently, I'm so stubborn that I actually mentally overcame the medications. After overdoses of meds didn't work, my mother began torturing me. Knives, waterboarding, hypothermia. What did she think I was going to learn from that? Hmm? What? And the school system did me no favors! Many teachers either roundly despised me, or in four cases, framed me for actual crimes because I was the raised nail they could hammer down.
I have extensively studied psychology, sociology, and neurology. I understand the issue and can deal with it firmly in my own life. Yes, I have autism, that's the only diagnosis that was correct. But so what? Does that mean I need medication because I'm more interested in quantum physics than running the mile in P.E.? Is that really what qualifies as "special needs?"
We need to stop victimizing ourselves. We need to stop putting our atypicality in a category where we're coddled instead of being (metaphorically?) beaten senseless. We are different; we need different things, but we are not any more or less "special" than the next person. We need schools who can accommodate our needs but *not* because we are lesser, not because we are ill, not because we are substandard. It's because we are different and thus have different priorities in life. Other kids get a trade school, a parochial school, a Montessori school. Why are "special needs" students treated any differently? Why aren't we treated like just another kind of normal human being?
You may think reading this, "wow, you had it hard. I'm so sorry." NO! THAT'S NOT THE POINT! I am each and every one of you. Little bits of my life? I saw it repeated in the lives of other so-called "special needs" students. Over, and over, and over. Not everyone had it as bad as I did, but that's because unlike other kids, I REFUSED TO BREAK. I refused to accept that I was somehow in need of extra attention, that I needed less difficult work, that I was more susceptible to mental illness, that I was "special." I. refused. to. break.
And goddammit, they would eventually break me, but I fought quite literally to death's door. And guess what? Even after being broken over, and over, and over, I still refuse to accept it. The status quo of this society is SICK and it needs to change. I will continue to believe that until either society changes for the better or I pass away. That's just who I am- deal with it.
Truths!! I didn’t even need to watch this to know that one!!!
So basically, as a gifted kid, I skipped the tutorial because it felt too easy. Then the actual game threw curveballs at me
the simplest, yet accurate analogy
imma change the first sentence
As a gifted kid I skipped the tutorial because it pretended to be easy mode
Box says Mario Cart, inside was 5min MarioCart, then it slowly turns to DarkSouls but without any button hints. You know it's playable, but you have no fucking clue how you're supposed to even get anywhere, while your friends tell you how they've already beaten it or completed certain bosses/stages/goals what not.
When asked all they can tell you is that they just played the game regularly, they can't tell you how their brains work, it's not how your brain works.
bingo haha welcome to my world
My parents: "let's make you skip first grade, would you like that?"
My wildly unprepared and immature 5 yo self: "sure, you know best"
Life: "they did not know best"
Being "gifted" is like driving an automatic while everyone else is driving a manual. You never truly learn how to drive a manual because you simply never had to. Meanwhile, everyone praises you for your driving ability and tells you that you could be a professional driver or - who knows - maybe even a race car driver! You start to believe them and think, yeah... I could totally be a pro racer! Suddenly, you're stuck at the starting line wondering why the hell you can't even get your car to start while everyone else does laps around you
that's an awesome comparison
Very well said
This is actually such a good analogy.
🙀
This is an amazing analogy
I am a "gifted" kid with ADHD and Anxiety. Its extremely stressful to be in "smart" classes next to people who know what they're doing, while YOU were.. just kinda put there and expected to understand it.
The thing is, they mostly look like they know what they're doing but are in the same boat as you with no actual skills.
Source: A fellow "gifted" kid with adhd who would curl into a ball and think his life was over when he had his first 60%.
I was very aware and open that I had no skills and that school wouldn't be the place to teach me those skills. But no place would teach me these skills if I didn't finish school. I'm going into a trade school next year, I'm done waiting for the system to work. Find your own way, we may not be able to build a mansion yet but we can fix those blueprints.
Who said you are gifted?
ADHD is one of the biggest misdiagnoses among the gifted.
@@auser2721I'll field this one. The easier question is, who didn't?
@@zqxzqxzqx1tell me more about this please. My son’s teachers have mentioned giftedness; there has been some ADHD talk from his pediatrician; we haven’t done any testing yet.
I was academically gifted...managed to study enough to be valedictorian of my school. At the graduation ceremony saw all the other parents happily telling their kids well done. My parents didn't even acknowledge me at all. When I was 50 I finally asked my dad if he had been proud of me. He said he just expected it of me.
Because of this expectation my parents never assisted me emotionally or financially. I literally starved at uni and have totally looked after myself ever since. My parents brought properties for my 4 "dumb" siblings but told me I was smart enough to do it myself without their help.
I'm smart enough these days not to have too much to do with any of them.
Ohhh, that is very rough
Yes. My brother is a big fat failure. spend time in prison. Father sold him him house half paid off because he was worried after he died that son would never be able to save up for it.
But your dad was right. You were able to take care of yourself. Might have been tough sometimes, but you did it.... just like he knew you would. That means he had a lot of confidence in you and your abilities.
Your parents helped your "dumb" siblings because they didn't have as much confidence in them as they did/do in you.
Consider it a compliment rather than being mad at them.
Yeah, same. My brothers got all kinda of support and I was just expected to survive. Nobody gave a shit about me.
I hate them all
That is so sad. I had shitty parents as well who expected grades from me
Something that a counsellor said stuck with me super hard.
"Yeah, you're gifted. Good for you. You're a child with the mind of an adult. When you grow up, you'll be an adult with the mind of an adult and no one will care. At all. Not even a little bit."
It really helped me check my ego at the door.
Oof that would’ve saved me sooo much wasted potential
Step one: don’t have an ego
@@Duckbusinessman nah gotta have a little ego in life tbh
I dont think this is the kind of advice gifted children need to hear. Cause this is just more guilt and shame and saying their gifts mean nothing. In reality, you remain gifted as an adult, above other adults I would say, whether it's all "gift" or also very much your being thoughtful and analytical when you dont have to be.
@@Foxtrox7616 don’t have a big ego to say you’re more intelligent than everyone else.
I will never forget how many times I felt humiliated by that old "I expected higher grades from you" speech. I didn't sign a contract with anyone, who told them to expect me to be something? Throughout my childhood, any sign of failure was synonymous with a giant drop in my self-esteem.
As a gifted kid, I've been given the speech multiple times too. And even though there was a point where I realized getting perfect grades was basically pointless, I was stuck as a "gifted kid" even though I didn't want to be. It sucks.
I sympathize. During 7th grade I struggled a lot throughout Math and Science despite being very gifted in the subjects during past years. Any time my grade dropped my self esteem and confidence would go with it and my mother would give me the “I know you’re smart enough, only if you put in the work” talk.
I’m afraid it’s the same with my brother, he’s in 3rd grade and although he’s smart he still struggles with math and my mother gives him the same treatment.
If you get a chance, read what I wrote in the responses above. I think you will identify with what I said.
horrible memories of this especially with my 3rd grade teacher
I heard the same line time and time again. The difference (problem) with me, is I have pseudo-authority issues. To me, hearing "I expected more from you" made/makes my brain decide to double-down on not trying. You expected more, and you were wrong. Never bet against me being stupid!
Giftedness is a form of neurodivergence which (in the US,) is included in the ADA. Not only do gifted kids fail to learn to study, they also don't learn how to push through something challenging, and tend to just walk away.
I'm guilty of this. "If I can't do it well, like I should, I shouldn't do it at all."
@@robinauseer499Me, too. It's a really bad habit to get into (but at 56, I doubt I'm going to change it now.)
@@robinauseer499 I do the same thing. If I mess something up, its not likely I’ll come back to it.
If I fail something it challenges me and I become obsessed untill I overcome it
What I do (btw im a gifted student) I just sometimes take a break to then come back and solve the issue
"Just apply yourself."
"But how do I know what to apply to what, and how?"
Math. Focus on math. Read plenty of books regularly if you want to get better at writing. Focus on math.
@@acedia4453Kinda vague, explain maybe?
This is so related smart people never need to study or do work so when they need it, they get behind (slightly)
@@Chris_HT find stuff you like I really like reading and I would say the most important thing is to get enough sleep (I failed my freshman year but by sophomore I got perfect grades and the only change I did was sleep the right amount) and this is really hard but ask for help rely on the people who care about you and be content with your progress no matter how small (I almost cried when my mom said I’m proud of your Cs after I barely passed freshman year) and after that I was just able to try
@@Goodpig1 Learn to, not "need to". They obviously need it, otherwise they wouldn't fall behind. But if they never get challenged when they actually have the opportunity to learn, it gets hard to see the need, and then when they actually do get challenged they don't have time to pick up the missing skills.
Heimerdinger kinda nailed it with, "it's often the sad truth that those who shine brightest, burn the fastest."
Quote
-Heimerdinger
Dinger
Oh this is so real
Thats a popular proverb
No heimerdinger said it first shut up
Gifted kid here. The biggest negative thing being treated like I was better than everyone else was that I still find it really really hard to ask people for help. It kind of feels like I’ve let someone down by not being self-sufficient
Yeah, I was born with high-functioning autism and I hate how I can't just talk with normal people like everbody else. I have problems with being a major jerk to people, because I see any kind of mistake as failure, and make everybody around me feel inferior/nervous just by them being my presence.
it sucks in sports especially. hockey was my fucking life and then one year i quit because one coach sucked the fun out(it was ba). i thought i could go really far, my dream was to play on the women's usa team. then i quit and i felt like my identity was shattered. i ended up dropping out of high school bc of an anxiety disorder. honestly i don't know what i could've told my younger self, maybe something like "God has a plan for you," that's how i feel now, but i'm coaching a 12u girls team and it feels like this was my path. i want to make sure these girls go forward with confidence and kindness
i constantly had/have problems like this and this exact problem and ive just kinda never learned to be cooperative or admot failure due to expectations being so high.
This Is Me In A Nutshell... Even Knowing I Should Ask for Help Occasionally It Bothers Me To The Point I Never End Up Asking Anyways
Exactly
My parents are and were awesome. They always told/tell me that it’s okay to screw up as long as I do my best. That they had no expectations for me not because I was bad, but because whatever I do they’re proud of. They let me sob in the floor without pushing me to talk, because we had an amazing relationship and I would. The thing is, I still always feel so pressured. It’s all myself doing this, and my own thoughts pressuring and belittling me but still. I can’t *stop*. I mean I have good days but I get so upset over the smallest things it’s hard to have good days. The only thing I’m ever sure of is the fact that I just don’t know. Sorry for this all over the place vent, it’s just nice relating to others you know?
-A literally right now having recovering from a month of exhaustion and breakdowns, currently working, a blink a way from sobbing, burnt out gifted kid who’s definitely a perfectionist and probably had some undiagnosed anxiety and adhd
Quote from my mom which justifies why she is absolutely awesome: "I know you're smart. But if you struggle, it's fine. I'm always going to push you to do your best, but if you ever want to step down because you know you can't do this, there's no shame in it."
do we have a 50 year study from gifted kids. how many have them have contributed anything significant to society?
Thats not a quote, thats a whole ass book
As a "gifted kid" I was burnt out 24/7. One time my class had a test in math that I hadn't studied for I took LONGER THAN THE WHOLE CLASS. I had to skip my next class and finish the test. My older sister (Who was a child who needed help) was in the class after me and when she walked into the classroom she kept giving me looks that just said, "Girl why are you still here? The test isn't that hard, is it?" then she finished before me and got a higher grade than me. After that day at school, I just went home and started crying because my "Special needs" sister finished a test before and got a higher grade than me. And I know you're thinking, "Oh, well your parents probably didn't care-" They did. A lot. They were very mad.
dont feel bad if you got a low score because its not like you even studied for it so why compare yourself to those who did study for it. We all have different circumstances that affect our ability to perform well
Idk if it will make you feel better but I relate very hard
what was the math test one. If you were truly as gifted as u said u wouldn't be struggling in what I assume a middleschool math test
hey at least you got the wake up call, it heart breaking i can relate you feel dumb and lied to
Wdym they were mad, like who were they mad at
Something just as bad as being a gifted kid and not developing proper study habits is being a normal kid of a parent who desperately WANTS their kid to be gifted. I knew one such person growing up. His parents (especially his mother) were extremely strict and didn't allow him to come hang out unless he did all of his homework for the week along with other extra assignments that they gave him to complete. It got worse in high school when his course load was so immense that it got to the point that we never even saw him outside of school. When we did speak to him, he was always really short with his responses and could barely manage to converse without stumbling over his words and just being awkward in general. The studying eventually paid off when he got accepted into some prestigious program at Stanford, and I'm sure his parents were absolutely thrilled about it.
He committed suicide two years later.
Damn
holy fuck..
🥺
That hit like a truck
A former teacher of mine developed severe mental illness in his late 20s to early 30s thanks to being brought up like that as well (son to a doctor and a teacher). Was our homeroom teacher in 10th grade and at some point we got the news that he had jumped in front of a train and died.
For a story that ended up better than that, my uncle was born to a nurse and teacher and they wanted him to be highly successful businessman or scholar and kept pushing him. After realizing he'd not live up to their expectation and being ashamed (tried being a driving instructor, insurance salesman and delivery man instead), they bought him a fancy car and suits and made him pretend to be the wealthy CEO of his own company in front of most of their friends and extended family. He's alive and well after retiring last year to buy a house and boat in Southern Italy with his wife of 45 years.
One of my biggest fears in high school was that I'd make a single mistake and everyone would know the "smart kid" was dumb and it was just a facade.
It has taken me years to feel okay being bad at things
This. I was a gifted child who hit the wall in my last year of high school. Everything I've ever been remotely good at I've had performance anxiety, martials arts, piano, video games or even answering questions in front of my peers in class because I have this deep underlying fear of being revealed as a fake.
THIS. I used to cry from the smallest mistakes. I remember crying over getting the name of a shape wrong during class as a 2nd grader... if only my parents had seen the starts of my anxiety there.
This. My "don't fail" attitude makes it really hard to do essays...
I pray that I can look dumb, that would be better than being held "above" others
This is still me, sadly. I'm TERRIFIED of that.
bro just changed my whole self image like it was nothing?? this information made me understand so many things about myself and this is incredible
same..
Same, and I've been aware of some of my parents' mistakes for years.
Man I love when Dr. K hacks my computer, downloads the draft of my autobiography, and reads it to the Internet.
Oh gosh
for real...
Ayo did you plagiarize my paper or did I plagiarize yours?
And he even interprets it
I think you guys might have had yours replaced with a copy and paste of mine or something...
I remember my mom once telling me of a kid who flunked out of her "advanced math". As in, he was completely incapable of it. When she confronted him about why he didn't go to "regular math" his answer was this: "I'd fail regular math too, but failing an advanced class looks better on paper."
It's important to know your own limitations.
damn that kid is smart!
It’s sad that we can know our own limitations but still can flunk everything a school system has to offer to us. It’s also sad that some kids revert to flunking a AP class just to make it look better.
hey, what's the point of the story? bc regular math is so stupidly easy in high school.
@@kelpjelli i think the comment isn't about a kid who thinks they belong in AP classes, rather a kid that's just weird and subverts expectations with the reply. More as a "guess what happened at work today" sort of thing, rather than a statement about the affairs of gifted children in schools in general.
@@gcg8187 - Hey, what’s the point of your question and statement?
I remember being in an honors class and the teacher said "If you're struggling to understand then you shouldn't be in an honors class". Like what. Just because we are in an "advanced" class doesn't mean we're superhuman. Isn't that the point of being in an advanced class, too? To challenge you when grade-level classes might not be your speed? So why shouldn't students face struggles in a class meant to teach and challenge? This was years ago but I still think about it to this day.
My honors english teacher said that all the time as well. Such bullshit.
Why does it always seem that simple things always escape people and create problems for people when it shouldn't have been in the first place. Like it is a class, classes are meant to teach, yet people make it difficult for something as simple as that to happen because of their own bullcrap, I don't understand, I don't think I ever will. Like you may have a gifted child but everybody is able to learn...everybody....in one way or another, yet somehow that concept is made to be thrown out the window and they wonder why problems arise from that?
i hate when teachers say that
if you're struggling to understand then your teacher shouldn't be teaching the honors class.
I’ve heard this alot
I'm 32 and this is exactly what happened to me in college. Went to a highly ranked engineering school after never studying a single time in middle/high school. Straight A student in AP classes, 99% percentile on act/sat and a national merit scholar. Failed out of college because no matter what i could not figure out a studying regiment. I thought i could study a couple days before hand and be good.
I dont blame anyone but myself for this and dont want it to sound like an excuse, but it is nice to know kind of why I mentally imploded after being "gifted" and above average my whole life.
Im currently living that exact situation, I'm a bit younger than you (26) and I just dropped out of engineering school...(and dropped out of college before also) Did you get better ? I'm asking because I'm really struggling with my capabilities and starting to believe I have none :(
You are not alone.
Almost exact same, except 33
I learned to study in college by tutoring my classmates in the classes I didn't need to study for (science and mathematics) and applying the same principles to the classes I did need to study for (history, English, foreign languages). I learned that I am not good with foreign languages (possibly due to my ADD).
As a “Gifted” kid
I can feel myself falling behind, because I was never taught how to study and learn.
As an incredibly incompetent guy highly susceptible to procrastination and avoiding things that require mental exertion, I can feel myself lagging behind in every morsel of my ballsack. 😊
Bro, you are gifted. Look that shit up and learn it way faster.
Your issue is the same as mine. Discipline.
Not "studying," or lack of knowhow.
You are just lying to yourself.
I know who I am. A lazy mfer who is gifted. If I want, I can nose to the grindstone my way through 3 levels of competence faster than most can get through 1.
But that takes effort. 😂
At least be honest with yourself, sheesh. 😂
@@firghteningtruth7173 I’m not lying to myself, random stranger on the internet who just had to be rude.
Not everyone is the same as you. People are different. You’re different and I’m different.
And no, I genuinely do not know how to study.
@@TrollLolololol you are DEFINITELY lying to yourself. You are on the internet discussing this with me, so you clearly have access to the internet. So look it up and learn. 🤣 You literally have all the information available to mankind at your fingertips.
You are just making an excuse (lying to yourself) about why you haven't yet.
Being lazy is fine. Or, you know, it's whatever. Lying to yourself and others about how you are gifted, but can't google some shit and learn it, is the issue. Just say, "I am lazy." That's fine. Creating a web of lies in your own head to lie to yourself that "it isn't that I am lazy, I just don't know HOW," is ridiculous.
You can call me "rude," but I am only telling you the truth. What you need to hear.
Stop lying to yourself. Stop lying to others. If you don't put a concerted effort to stop saying stuff like this, eventually, you will believe your own lies and when someone points it out...
Your ENTIRE WORLD will crumble. Because it is held up by lies.
@@TrollLolololol even the, "person who just had to be rude," part is a lie you made up so that you don't have to face the fact that you are lazy and just HAVEN'T learned.
It's a self-defense mechanism for your ego. "What a rude person."
What did I say that was actually RUDE? Did I call you names? Did I make snyde remarks? Or did I call you silly for saying something you "never learned" could easily be remedied with effort?
"Pride is not the opposite of shame, but its source. True humility is the only antidote for shame."
-Uncle Iroh
As a gifted kid, I spent one long year of self-hatred learning just this. Who knew I could’ve just watched ATLA and learned lol
If only more in the real world could be as wise as Iroh
someone pls explain this to me in more a simplified way, cause it sounds impeccable but I cant understand 100 percent :(
@@ukhtiiiojo9186 Pride identifies with performing well and boosts the ego because of it. Shame identifies with a lesser performance and condemns the self because of it. Someone who is prideful about their performance one day can be ashamed of it the next day because it will fluctuate. But someone who is humble can accept a brilliant performance without feeling superior, and they can also accept a poor performance without feeling inferior. This is because a humble person ignores the false dichotomy of pride and shame; humility doesn’t equate a given moment’s performance to overall worth.
God, i wanna watch atla again.
"It's not enough to be average, if you're gifted."
I've never heard it summed up so well. That's exactly how I feel. Have always felt.
It 100% is fine to be average when youre gifted. You don't have to live up to your full potential there is nothing wrong with seeing what average is like and saying I want to stay here it is nice and comfy.
Being gifted kid suckss dude
I feel like im Wasting something just feels shames
And IQ test just makes it worst
My parents just expect so much just because i got 130 Iq
i Feel like im wasting something, sometimes it motivates you but other times it just saddens me when i got 80/100 average
and my rank was 31/36 People
And now i have no idea how to Improve its like agh
and also just because i learned 6th grade materials in 3rd grade doesnt mean i can keep up the pace to 7-9th grade
in this 8th-9th grade i crashed
dont know what to do
@@onvyll8817 Here’s what you need to do: forget the past and the future. Focus on each class, each day. When you get home from school every day, if you can, go for a walk. Don’t listen to any music, just look at your surroundings. Walk for about 30 minutes. When you get back home, do your homework IMMEDIATELY. Don’t procrastinate. I know you’re probably wanting nothing more than to “reward” yourself and have some fun but trust me. Do your homework and rip that bandaid off. Don’t let tv or your phone or the Internet distract you. Trust me. After you’re done, THEN you can have some fun. Eat dinner, and then study for upcoming tests. Look up mnemonic devices to help you remember things you need to remember (word play with facts basically). Use flash cards/note cards to study! They help a LOT. Don’t stay up too late. Be firm with yourself about bedtime. And be consistent. I know teenagers have different sleep needs than adults and you have my full sympathy there, but try to get as much sleep as you can. You will feel better throughout the day. The key is to not procrastinate (I know easier said than done) and don’t worry about the past or the future. Just focus on whatever is in front of you. Moving your body helps a lot too. In times of stress, work up a sweat. You will feel better almost instantly. Good luck!!! - a 31 year old former “gifted kid”
@@LizVonVillas Thanks I have, 1 Question toughz should i quit my part time job for now?
i feel like its getting stressfull and i probably dont need a job at this age
Well even tough deep down i dont want to get called "average"
I'm at 6 and a 1/2 minutes with tears in my eyes.Can't believe I never put this together. My wall was organic chemistry third year of college. Before that I never studied and rarely did homework because my test scores got me by. So grateful to finally have this awareness as a dad. Thank you.
The facts are quite true as I have depression and I can imagine 3 scenarios of a gifted child getting mentally damaged until they reach depression (gives them a slight sociopath personality)
"If only he applied himself" my entire school life, i forgot how much that still stings. we stand in solidarity my adhd gifted bros
Why does it seem like so many gifted kids who experience these same problems have ADHD?
I know I still feel strong emotions when someone might be saying I could be doing more. *Might be saying* is enough to feel very defensive. I think it's a legit form of trauma at this point.
@@Pensnmusic
Because untreated ADHD causes a decline in motivation and eventually depression because we don't know why we always fall short of the expectations
In reality, if someone had just paid attention to us as a child like we needed, we would have met or even exceeded the expectations
@@Pensnmusic beeing "gifted" hides the adhd and enforces it... Basically, since you don't need to study, no one never notices that you can't study.
Beeing gifted also makes so you mind doesn't need to focus as much to achieve what others need to, so you also won't train focus...
I'd say is more like "some adhd kids are gifted" rather than "gifted kids have adhd".
I can't remember how many times I've been told this. "You could be the brightest" or "you could have great grades IF ONLY YOU WANTED TO". But that is people projecting themselves in the intelligent kid, if THEY were smart, they WOULD apply themselves and achieve a lot, but they are NOT, so they tell us to study and apply ourselves but they don't know what it's like lmao. All this is supposing that I am indeed that and I'm not just imagining things, but w/e.
@@JLchevz
Just my experience but I always felt like applying myself at school didn't mean anything because I already knew the concepts
By the time I got to the actually hard stuff, I realized the importance of knowing how to study and training your working memory
I'd love to study further in chemistry and physics but it's daunting to retake classes that I should have completed 10 years ago
Being ''gifted'' really leaves an emotional scar and no one talks about it enough. It's like adults gave us a responsability that we never asked for
You mean "parents". Most adults are outside looking in not knowing the full scope. Even if they contribute to the damage sustained by the child's parental control. Most parents are trash. Especially when they expect the top-tier best from their child when the enforcers aren't even as top-tier in more than one if any other basic life skills.
Yup, the parents
heard this one LOUD and CLEAR honey lawd
Those parents are gifted as well usually. To be gifted is awsome. You will see it later
@@alicewondering4295 see what? That the were gifted themselves? Being 'gifted', but not having fully developed that potential sucks. I work in the trades now because my life as an IT guy didn't pan out, I got sick of it. It sucks knowing I could do some if not most of the tasks of the lower tier 'engineers' I've had to work with better than they, but the call is theirs on what goes, and I can't be an engineer because I can't trig yet, and I have to pass physics and calculus to be an engineer. After I finally accepted it, I realized its a gatekeeping method like when a ride says, "you have to be this tall." I'm actually able to appreciate those guys more knowing that they had the tenacity and wherewithal to stick with it until they got to where they are.
I am almost 35 years old and you have, in the course of this video, perfectly described my entire time in education and helped to unpack years of issues I was not adequately enabled to understand at the time.
just after i left elementary school, the pandemic started.. and the lockdown ended after i "finished" middle school, high school hits me like a truck. im 17 now and struggling af. the smartass kid is no more while everyone are still expecting so much..
Another part of that "Shame gap" is the inability to ask others for help, whether it's from your classmates or your professors. There's constantly a feeling of "I'm smart, I shouldn't have to ask for help" weighing you down. I got into my university on a specialized scholarship which required us to all take a class and spend 10 hours a week in a lab to keep it, so we all kind of knew each other. 90% of them lost their scholarship after the first year.
I can’t ask for help with anything smh
Heck, I DID ask for help growing up, as soon as I started hitting that wall and falling behind I was like "Hey, parents, teachers, I don't understand this, I don't know what to do with this, please help me learn how to do this." but most of them were already so convinced of my "giftedness", of how "smart" I was, that when I wasn't at the baseline understanding of a subject that they thought I should be at, they assumed I was just being lazy.
Math was always my biggest struggle, and I remember on multiple occasions with different people, not understanding how to work through a type of equation. It just didn't stick in my head after the initial in-class lesson. I looked at the problem and went "How the hell do I do this?" So of course, I went to my parent or teacher for help. And they would go "Ok, start doing the equation and we'll see where you get stuck." and I would just sit there like "I don't know how." and they would get frustrated. "Well just start." I don't know how!" and eventually they would get mad and claim I just wanted them to do all the work for me. That I was being lazy and just didn't want to do it. And then when I inevitably had a D or F in the class, they would lament at all my wasted potential, that I was so smart, if I would just try.
Now I'm in therapy learning how to stop degrading myself all the time because I feel like an idiot and a failure.
@@raicantgame6634 :(
I excelled at maths courses 1 - 5 here in Sweden. But going into specialized classes 6 and 7, going twice the speed and including university-level stuff. I can follow what's going on during a given lesson, but I never manage to retain it. And before I have the time to try the new stuff out at home during my own time, there's new theory to be learnt.
Latest example was partial integrations and differential equations. We had a test of 7 questions, I only answered 4 and a half, and probably got them all wrong. I just don't have a clue about what to do when I see some types of equations. All the different methods blend together. I had exactly the same problem in chemistry when trying to remember different bondings between molecules and atoms. Which occured when x, y and z requirements were met etc.
The subjects in question are interesting, but going at too fast a pace messes everything up and blends it together. And I notice myself becoming angrier day by day because I'm not as good as I was before. For reference, I aced the last maths exam we had, 8 difficult questions and I got an A. Felt like bliss. But now? I just stare at the exam paper and wonder if I can leave the classroom, it's proper shameful I'm not capable of it.
Damn it.
for me i was somehow raised that help was an excuse. Like I shouldn't ask for help because it's an excuse for laziness. same way I was told forgetting something is somehow an excuse for something else
I remember in 9th grade when I didn’t understand a concept in math for the first time I actually went to ask for help, I started crying from the shame.
It really hits you like a train. Sitting at your pc with anxiety knowing if you dont start learning you will get kicked out of school wich causes slight panic but you still cant get yourself to do anything because the easiest tasks are overwhelming. I wasnt gifted but never had to learn up until 6 grade or so. Then grades started declining to average, under average, and then trash.
Well said. I was diagnosed with ADHD and Autism when I was around 6 or 7. My grades started slipping around 6th grade as well. I remember I used to like homework. As a junior in highschool right now, my grades aren't where they should be. I know that if I don't do the work that things likely won't end well, and even though I want to do the work and get it done so I don't have to worry about it, it's practically impossible because I would rather be doing *anything* else. I once did my laundry because I was avoiding homework. And I hate doing laundry. Even the medication doesn't really work anymore.
I have hit my head against my table so many fucking times because I can't do 60 questions per day while EVERY FUCKING MOTHERFUCKER IN MY CLASS CAN DO DOUBLE THAT ON A MOTHERFUCKING OFF DAY
relatable
So you was just slow the whole time ....
yep. this is exactly it for me lol. im in 8th grade now but im.. so insanely shit. i used to be gifted and people keep telling me i have SOO much potential and im SO smart and all of this should be so easy for me- but its not. turns out i have autism. im failing all my classes now and have no idea what i'll even do haha. it sucks.
i was a gifted kid. when i was in first grade i was put in a class with 3rd grade kids where we solved riddles and made origami and ice cream. in middle school i was in a gifted program that was mostly just a free period. school was so easy until high school. i fell behind my harder working peers, and i felt such shame and embarrassment about it. i got above average act scores, sure, but i'm in community college now because i know i can't handle the workload of full-time college. i still don't know how to study and work hard, because i never had to. my mother always bragged about her gifted and smart kids, praising traits that were actually because of my undiagnosed autism instead of my intelligence. and yeah, i read all the time because she was never home as a working single mother of 3, and we were often homeless. the library and fiction were my only escapes from reality.
to this day, i struggle with procrastination and executive function with the most basic of tasks, like eating or tidying, not to mention adult responsibilities. i'm so exhausted all the time.
"Gifted" kid over here. My depression started when I was around 12 and I skipped school a lot and would stay at home in bed, dreaming of a reality where I was never born. I remember in high school teachers telling me to do better. But I was so depressed, I struggled so much to sit and study that I would almost never do that. I was the only child of a single mother that didn't earn a lot. She did her best but I needed more help than what she could give. All my teachers telling me I could do better, but no one really stepped in. My family didn't understand as well. Now I feel like I have to have an extraordinary life. I feel like I have to finally show my potential in whatever form I can. But it's fucking hard. So to all gifted kids ! More power to our struggles, cause I definetly feel like a special needs child, who's potential can come out only in certain circumstance. I wish us to live a great life. To feel good in our lives. And acheiving what we want to do, our dreams for us. Not to show to others, yes, we are as good as you said we could be.
As a “gifted” kid, I agree. The main part I hate about being gifted is depression. Being gifted runs in my family and so does depression.
I hate how... i'm only recently grasping with my intelligence again. I'm 19, basically smoked weed for 2 years.. and now i want out of it. I want to use my brain. I want to gain more intelligence. And the depression.. the depression man.
It's doesn't have to be. School destroys gifted people, to a point where they might kill themselves. If you can homeschool in your country that vital to a gifted person. They might not develop depression at all..
@@DrTheRich
It's funny, the capitalism that stifled my desire to make space stations and ships, is also the capitalism that let me flourish in the home construction and rental industry.
I think that, when you're very different from the average person, you have to take a different path. There was a point when I was homeless, and I'd see all these beautiful Victorian style houses everywhere. I put a lot of focus and years toward getting houses. I enjoy it. My spatial reasoning works so well with construction. It also works well with trading equities online.
Being "too smart" has been a gold mine for me, but I had to adapt to the world and use things they didn't "approve of", like anger and "gaming the system" to get what I wanted. Being nice just turns people into perma-slaves. I knew I'd have offed myself if I couldn't break out of mediocrity and mere sustenance. It's not greed; I'm just naturally ambitious. Some one says to repair the deck, and I'll start thinking about building an entire awning over it.
@@manictiger I don't think capitalism has anything to do with you not being able to build (space) ships. But I agree with the rest.
@@DrTheRich
I mean, it put me at a really bad starting position, and stifled a lot of my idealism, but it also gave me a system I could game and tilt to my advantage. Idk, socializing was never my strong suit. Numbers and spatial reasoning are.
“If you fail, then no big deal” is literally mind boggling to someone who just spent the past decade or more hearing that failure isn’t an option because either of schools themselves forcing the issue or the expectation of everyone who told you that you’re gifted, special, and have potential to build a mansion.
Lol I was panicking that I got 65% on my AP World History test 3 days ago but then the whole class got like 50-60%, but I still have like a b+ in the class though
Thankfully I was taught this in middle school by my dad, which got me all through all off middle school and into high school (I'm still in highschool)
Smarts is nothing without ambition.
Oh gosh, you will be fine. I took 8 AP tests. 5s on all but one, that score was a 4. Nearly failed US History in-class because the teacher required us to enter a sentence to describe historical events in a spreadsheet. Absolute nonsense. Now I've got a law license and my job is helping people I care about/public interest lobbying. Environment matters and things can get better. @@leomathguy
for me, most of the pressure comes from my parents
Thanks to you i've massively improved with my perfectionism, giftedness and analysis paralysis! A simple thing i do inspired form your videos is replace the massive goal with a "priority" and arrange goals as the steps i take along the way. This way the goals are limiting and they're always achievable, but the priority is no longer limiting, it's just controlling what are the next goals.
My now 8-year-old’s kindergarten teacher told me never to have him tested for giftedness because she’s seen it ruin the lives of so many kids. He likely has ADHD, so I’m starting to wonder what to do. His teacher at the end of last year said she didn’t see enough red flags in class to recommend him for testing for ADHD, but I’m really pretty sure he’s masking all day…
I had undiagnosed ADHD and was in gifted classes. I liked the gifted classes because I was around other kids who were like me (very likely a blend of different neurodivergences). It gave me community. It did not teach me how to study. I think that if I had known the reason why I was different, I would have been able to find community regardless of what classes I was in. Neurodivergent kids have a way of finding each other, but I would guess that there's a higher incidence in gifted classes. Finding out I had ADHD and getting diagnosed changed my life massively for the better though, I really recommend it. My parents also didn't want me to feel held back by a label, but in reality the label gives me a reason why certain things are difficult for me. I understand myself better and I can give myself permission to struggle sometimes, to have bad days, and to not feel guilty about it. I'm doing my best, my brain is just different. You may also want to look into different forms of neurodivergence if you haven't already. There's huge overlap between ADHD and autism but I believe they're evaluated differently.
so be a good parent
If you think your child may have ADHD, I personally would recommend getting them tested. So many children go undiagnosed then wonder why they're different from their classmates. And for some children, they may have inattentive ADHD (formally known as ADD), so some of the signs are internal and hard to spot. Even if the results come back null, it helps narrow down where a child is struggling. After all, neurodivergency has overlap between the different types.
Some people are confused so….Y’all’s, not everyone’s gonna experience the same things, these are just somethings that have been in my circle not nessesarily in yours.
This is really helpful because most people saw “gifted kids” as these extremely smart people that should always know things when we are really just people that are able to have a faster and higher understanding and can learn ahead. “Gifted kids” also develop mental illnesses very easily so…
Probably because their endocannabinoid system is more sensitive and in some cases, considered to be more evolved, but not evolved for this type of high stress lifestyle we live in. Deficiencies in the endocannabinoid system caused by stress is often semi-permanent due to the inability for the brain to make it's own cannabinoids without things like cannabis or hemp.
If theres one thing us 'gifteds' want normal people to know, is that we want our mental issues acknowledged. You're right, its surprisingly common for us to develop mental disorders, half my class, along with me, have ADHD, and still a good chunk of us has autism as well, its really hard to deal with the world when people ignore our mental problems just because were academically good. The IQ test wont get any one of us out of burnout.
@@-Pexy Turns out I had ADHD and I was in gifted. I came out fine, but I didn't really learn how to study. I was able to coast without ever being diagnosed.
👉👉For those who understand this short documentary, daily life will turn upside down: The Connections (2021) [short documentary] 💖
what does it matter that I also developed a mental illness? I'm still way smarter than average, and I know a lot of things. Things a 25 year usually won't know until their 55 years old. Average people tend to perform better with actions, but I must disagree with your comment.
If you re-watch the video, he suggests that gifted children are indeed much smarter than their peers, cognitively, consciously, and emotionally with heightened sensitivity. However, they do not develop the ability to self regulate their behavior with studying, and develop low self-esteem and anxiety at young ages by failing to meet their own expectations (witting a wall, as he said).
I now understand that you are essentially saying that people equate gifted children with high achieving children, when they are actually not the same thing.
Speaking as a former "gifted child", gifted children are absolutely special-needs. Instead of needing special help to understand basic concepts, gifted children need special help to keep from becoming bored and disillusioned with education, and later on, life as a whole. Paradoxically, that can leave "gifted children" in a position of being unable to cope when something difficult _does_ present itself. Being smarter than the vast majority of people is like redlining in first gear and not being allowed to upshift.
Don't tell gifted children they are really smart. Tell gifted children they are _really good at learning._ Narrow-down the scope of their "gift" so they aren't burdened with the (false) expectation of being able to do _everything_ without trying hard. Being really good at learning makes it easy to acquire new knowledge and skills, but applying that knowledge and honing those skills isn't going to be any easier for them than it is for anyone else -- in fact, it may end up being _harder_ because they will probably have to tackle more difficult problems to feel satisfaction from accomplishment.
EDIT: Wow, 6200 likes? I don't think I've ever gotten that many likes on anything I've ever said before in my life.
That last sentence hit
@@ninapugliese8182 im glad we have these anonymous boards, however terribly censored they may be, to express things like that, without sounding like an egomaniac. because its absolutely valid
I literally never learned how to study which backfired in uni out of which i dropped out after 2 years. I also never learned how to make friends and didn't have anyone close since i was 16
An Interesting observation I made from schools 30 plus years ago that seems to be right before more main stream understanding of the various learning considerations and emerging disabilities like ADHD and Autism etc., was the difference between wealthy schools and poor schools, in poor schools you were referred to as "SLD" (slow learning disability) with no other alternative classes and at the wealthier schools, they had "gifted classes" available, and SLD, as well as mental handicapped classes. The difference between them was in SLD, I was lumped in with truely learning challenged kids and basically just wrote off putting absolutely no effort into teaching or reaching anyone, and with the gifted classes they actually tried to innovate and engage with students and figure out what they needed to help you leverage your gifts, and the tools to work on your weaknesses and created unique personalized curriculums.
Ooooooooooo
The video was a Godsend for me. It made my life make so much more sense. I was deemed “gifted” around the age of one and it’s like you literally described my life while in school. College was THEE WORST for me and I underwhelmed my family with my academic performance. Unfortunately, my “gifted and talented” label has ran its course as I’m 40, struggling to do anything since I have a crippling fear of failure.
I’m glad I found this. It was suggested after watching your ADHD/Obesity video. I recently discovered my ASD/ADHD, and along with that video and this one, so many things in my life have clicked into place with such finality and perfection, that my entire paradigm has shifted. For over a decade, I have lived with the view that I have somehow gone from a gifted kid in school to being over a decade behind my peers in some way or another. That’s not to say I am devoid of success, but it’s been a view impossible to shake. Learning what twice exceptional is, learning why some of my life choices have occurred, learning why being “gifted” means… I feel like a weight has lifted. Thank you for your content and the way you present. We need more of this!
I'm not ASD or ADHD (I don't have the energy for that), but I do have ADD. I'll get back to working out just as soon as I'm done watching this butterfly. Ooh, a rabbit!
The problem with telling kids that they are full of potential, gifted, or have leadership skills is that most will grow up feeling like a failure for having an average life. You don't need a high iq to make millions and you don't need to be mentally ill to live on the streets.
Maybe we should tell our kids that it's OK to be normal. 🤔
Yeah but things is, if you are gifted, you are definitely not normal. You end up excluded from "normal" social circle because you have diverging opinion, diverging interest and such and its hard to truly connect to someone sometimes because of it. It's ok to be gifted and being anything you want, but society is not always ok with gifted person. Just like people with disabilities.
@@jeromemartel3916 Bruh I’m “gifted” and disabled and trust me I’m average as hell. I’m sick to death of excessive expectations due to things I cannot control.
@@DeathnoteBB Yes you can be. I was just referring to some other cases.
I remember for years in middle school I prayed each day. I wish I was normal, I wish it was okay for me to cry. In the end, I’m still trying to live up to that standard but I’m confident I’m not going to off myself. I think about it but I shut those thoughts down the best I can.
@@jeromemartel3916 yeah, my ‘giftedness’ comes from being neurodivergent, people like me and quite a few of my friends have differently structured brains which means we may be gifted, a lot of us are very intelligent, but because of the world we’re living in we are classed as disabled. Honestly we need to have systems in place to help people who have things like ASD and ADHD who can get through up to the last year of high school with no effort but will massively struggle after that. Letting these sorts of children learn at a level that actually challenges them so they can develop the skills to study. Also letting them learn what they’re interested in, because most of us have interest based psychology rather than importance based psychology like most people do which means it’s incredibly difficult for us to be motivated about anything that doesn’t interest us no matter how important it is. The school system in most places just doesn’t really work for anyone who is neurodivergent.
As a gifted kid, I always aced everything that is academic without breaking any sweat. Until recently, I faced my first ever MAJOR failure and I realized I never really know how to handle failures because I know everyone has high expectations of me and it really did take a huge toll on me.
Learning to get better from failure is the best part out of failure, not all people see it that way though
aye same
I totally understand where you’re coming from. Through my grade school years, I was considered one of the smartest kids of my class, and graduated in the top 25 students of my class. However, once I hit college, I realized how I lacked proper study skills and even basic skills in maintaining stress towards assignments and tests. As a result of that, I failed nearly every one of my classes the spring semester and lost my scholarship, and am now close enough to be on a academic probation. Even today, it’s left me lost and I don’t know what to do. I hope (and I hope this for you as well) that I’m able to overcome my struggles and make something out of myself. Keep your heads up :)
Relatable
i got tired of it so i lowered my grades and told my everyone the work got harder when from A+ in everything to about a B on purpose , it kina made me lazy tho
Thank you, Dr. K. I've dervied tons of value out of several dozen of your videos, but there's one gem in here that shines brightest for me, and that's the simple reframing -- even though I know you're saying it in a slightly sarcastic tone of voice, it totally resonates for me and makes this all land more gently -- of saying I'm taking the scenic route. That brings this whole mess back around to feeling like a gift after all :' )
This resonated with me so much with me. Tested gifted at a very early age - 5 - school was easy, but there are lot of skills I did not "learn". Great video.
As a gifted kid, I would feel a kind of "rush" when I knew the answer to some random question the teachers would ask. It felt like I needed to get the answer right no matter what and to do it before anyone else did. Over time, this has developed into crippling self doubt over the things that I am not good at.
Curious to see if anyone else had the same experience.
Yup, I worked at a camp kitchen over the summer and suddenly all that stuff I was great at couldn’t help me at all.
Yup. Had it all through school, reinforced by teachers who offered bonus points on assignments, being on the quick-recal/academic team, and a nearly physical need to escape the awkward "teacher waiting for an answer" moment.
Bro why is this me too
100%
Literally this.
I thought I was the only one who perceived my own decision making like this; until I read your comment. There are many times when left to decide for myself, by myself, that I begin to regress into “crippling self doubt,” as you’ve explained it. Not exactly imposter syndrome per se, but in moments in life that feel/felt so rushed, I’m not always sure if I’m making the right decision for myself; especially when it’s something I’m not familiar with or new at. Even if it is the “right” answer/decision, I start contemplating if the decision I made was right/wrong until I stress myself out and self induce anxiety until I become overwhelmed. Maybe I’m a bit redundant with this comment, but it makes me feel better when I know I’m not the only person in the world who feels this way. Societal standards and practices, I believe, inevitably inhibit the “gifted” of our world; just my opinion (-:
I hope everyone who finds themselves here is doing well and prospering with any decisions they may have felt overwhelmed them in any type of way!
I had a friend who was considered a “gifted” child though elementary school, he then got went face first into a brick wall in middle school, his parents blamed everything like video games, his friends, the school, everything except even considering that their son wasn’t as intelligent as they thought he was
He eventually got through school, skipped college and opened a restaurant, turns out hours of tycoon games gives you some level of managerial skill
What an epic ending lol
lmao i need to know what games he played
what a wholesome ending
Definitely played some Roblox game called “Super hero Restaurant Tycoon! [NEW UPDATE👽]
@@MicbossGaming uncannily accurate
I just need to express how much I appreciate this video. I was labelled gifted as a kid, dropped out of highschool at 15. Never felt dumber and more useless. It took me years to get my life back on track. Im now 21 and still learning to cope with being a couple years behind, but fighting through all of it taught me how to work hard and goddamn am I thriving. Went back to school, Im now studying astrophysics, top if my class. Couple years ago I didnt even believe I was capable of finishing highschool. Shit gets better.
Thanks man… this is a comforting statement
The single best video I've seen. My whole life ive been told that im super smart, so i figured that because i was smart, i didnt need to put as much effort to get by, and that stuck throughout my entire schooling experience. At some point i eventually got into the mindset of "if im not the best, im nothing" due to a mix of parental pressure and constant praise (that i did nothing to earn). This led me to wanting to claim my own life in the 7th grade...
Ever since i entered high school ive been in a significantly better spot than i was previously. I toned down my expectations, and i put more effort into my hobbies. A lot of negative traits still carry over though. I have a lot of social anxiety because instead of building relationships i focused on school, if something doesnt work first try im not used to working to find better solutions because in school id always ace everything. It wasn't until i put effort into music and my AP English IV class did i realize that my current system had to change. I wish I'd worked towards my hobbies sooner because now that im graduating I'm a percussionist who sucks at the snare drum and can barely hold 4-mallet. I never take chances because of that exact expectation gap you talked about. My English teacher showed me that I HAD to study, and I've never been more proud of an essay i wrote even though 2 years ago i took a class that we ONLY wrote essays in. I half-assed all my classes and now I'm graduating top 5% and i feel like a fraud.
I honestly can't thank you enough for this video. I wish i had someone tell me all of this before now since i graduate high school tomorrow. I'm gonna be rewatching this often to fix my old habits.
The buzzword every gifted child hears is ‘potential’, but those who often echo it fail to realize potential must be farmed and cultivated to reach its maximum output. I’m gracious my mom did with me, and I wanna figure out how I can help cultivate those with exceeding merit
I was a gifted child under a crackhead mother and eventually in foster care. Due to insurmountable stress, I never applied myself. I had no nurturing and anything I did apply myself to, I could do it easily. I did a Shakespeare play at 13 when my grandfather brought me to an audition to teach me about failure, thinking I wouldn't get the part. Well, I got it and I outperformed a lot of people on the set. Having intelligence just isn't enough anymore, though.
I'm going to try to work for the foster care system as a counselor, because I understand a lot of different struggles because I've been through it all. I think you'd be wise to do something similar, you sound like a good fit for it
@@hellreaper2845 I’m trying to get into policy so that I can attempt to make a wide-array change in my area, starting locally. You have a very poignant story, and it helps drive me to continue my journey of impacting much needed changes to this dour system we call home. My golden rule is that true power is manifested internally and expunged externally to generate change, but nonetheless please stay safe friend
@@TadBaterbomb shit happens, I treat the past I've had as fuel to do better. It's what people like us do lol. You stay safe too, homie, and good luck with the job. I'm sure you can make a change if you start small, but something small can become even bigger and better
I’m in high school and I hate when people call me smart, and now I’m thinking it has to do with this
This is why I, as an adult, will immediately give up on absolutely anything - a job, a hobby, a relationship - that I’m not instantly great at. Having to start at the bottom and progressively work your way up to being skilled at something is a concept I never had to grapple with as a “gifted” child and teenager, and it’s only now that I realise that is in fact a reality of life that most people live with… I don’t have the resilience to be able to live happily like that though, because I never had to develop that sense of grit whilst growing up. To this day, it causes me a lot of distress, mental health issues, difficulty holding down jobs, difficulty maintaining relationships, and struggles to feel content in myself and my identity.
I really feel this. Sorry for the long comment. Maybe I'm saying this more for myself but here goes...
I'm trying to turn this around by doing something I'm really bad at, which removes a lot of expectations. Two years ago, I tried and failed to do a free couch to 5k running program SEVERAL times. But all those failures conditioned me enough to eventually be able to run 5k. It just took a year instead of 12 weeks or whatever. Then last summer I thought I'd try to run 10k. I'm not fast. I'm still a really bad runner. It took me months but the commitment was relatively low (free running program, basic Garmin watch, and a pair of OK running shoes.) So I ran 10k. Then last fall I decided I wanted to run a half marathon. Well... for various reasons I'm taking a break. But my longest run to date so far is 15km. This was unimaginable two years ago! I feel sad and guilty about that break but I'm not the same person I was two years ago. I plan to start my half-marathon plan again soon. I've fallen behind but I'm way ahead of where I used to be.
I needed a really low stakes, inexpensive thing to try and learn how to persevere, fail, and then persevere again. If I started with what I was most passionate about, I'd never be able to recover from the setbacks. So instead I run these silly little runs and I huff along awkwardly and I remind myself to just do it. Do it badly. Whatever. I hope you can find a thing where you can try that out! Maybe not running but something. Something cheap. Something you can access easily enough. Something you can track so you can see a little progress.
I gave up lots of other things. I can barely say that I've stuck to running but I kinda did. Start small! If I compare myself to athletes, my pokey little runs are a joke but for the average person, running 15km with your own two feet is impressive! At least I think it is. I know for sure 2020 me would have been shocked to know I'd get there.
@@lizzyd Thank you, guess I'll try something like that.
@@Merrsharr good luck! It worked for me but it was a real slow build. It might help to look back on some low stakes thing you've been doing for the past few years and to reflect on any progress you've made.
I can relate to this
@@madmoonrabbit that's awesome! I used to do Tae Kwon Do and Karate. I was never very good but I really miss it. Good luck! That sounds like a great thing to come back to. You'd be surprised by how much the body remembers.
FINALLY someone who understands. Been binging your videos since I first found them a couple days ago and not sure I’ve ever felt so understood. Former “gifted kid”, undiagnosed (and unmedicated) ADHD, gen anxiety & panic disorder.. got by “well enough” until 4th year of undergrad (dual deg program) when covid finally threw me over the edge😅(now diagnosed, in therapy, and medicated) hoping we can keep developing better methods to detect what is hiding behind compensatory mechanisms at a younger age.
Got a new sub here. The video game addiction thing is very interesting to me as all 3 of my boys currently struggle with that. You hit the nail on the head though. I'm in my 40s now but i remember. I was labelled a "chronic underachiever" even though I got straight A's. Was constantly being told how smart I was and how much potential I had. Got into a selective high school for the top 1% of the biggest state in the country. On top of that I am over 6ft tall and was athletic.
What happened ? That high school crushed me. I was suddenly surrounded by people that not only were on my level but in some cases far surpassed me. (It's humbling when a kid in your grade who is 2 years younger than you tells you how he's going to beat you in a game of chess before you've even sat down and then does it.) I discovered that it didn't matter how smart I was, exactly as you said, the raw intellect wasn't enough as I had never done homework or learnt good study habits (dv filled homelife didn't help with that). I dropped out at 15 and collected trolleys at a supermarket so that i could just drink, play video games and smoke weed. Told myself it was to support my single mother. Spent the next quarter of a century flipping burgers and mopping floors. What happened to my dreams of being a research scientist?
Here's the interesting part. I went back to university years ago, I was maintaining a GPA above 6 (7 is a perfect score here) and was being paid by the uni to run study sessions for other students for programming, it was easy. I had quit weed so that I could concentrate on the math better. It all seemed so easy, until my wife had a miscarriage. Then I started smoking weed and drinking heavily again and watched my GPA take a dive. Add a couple of back to back loss of loved ones and I dropped out... In my final year... With just one subject and the final project to go...
Now I am almost 50k in debt, have no degree and am recovering from significant health issues related to not looking after myself properly. I learnt the hard way that hard work beats talent if talent doesn't work hard.
I had a senior which is very close to me. She's very gifted in math and science. She also taught me lots of stuffs in junior high school. Unfortunately, she passed away from suicide at the age of 14. It broke my heart so much I went into depression. To this day, I still miss her.
I'm sorry to hear that. From what I've heard, Asian schools are brutal
Sorry for your loss
Wow my condolences I hope she finds peace.
That's the thing, when you're too smart, you ask yourself too many questions.. 😔
Sending comforting energy. That's so rough to go through. Do you have any Suicide walks by AFSP (American Foundation for Suicide Prevention) that you could fundraise for? They have lots of 5k walks available in many large cities. I've found a lot of healing by being a part of events like that.
We should also talk about how when gifted kids inevitably face that burnout and difficulty later on, when they try building mansions with the materials for a shack it takes away that innate love of learning that a lot of us had because "Well if I can't build the mansion I'm expected to with the materials I've been given I must be stupid so I should just stop trying". and I think that is also a big part of why so many of us "fail" later in life because after we hit that wall we just think that that's it, we can't continue on after this because all we've ever been told was about how intelligent and better we are to other kids so when we struggle and those other kids don't it says to us that we aren't smart enough to succeed so we stop trying.
This. Mine happened in college. Went from having an honest-to-goodness dream job in mind since way back in early childhood to completely abandoning that dream because it would require more schooling past my 4-year degree. I barely got the bachelor's degree as is. I work at a gas station now. And not even as management or anything.
literally me
This is facts. The having to let go of something because learning isn't fun anymore is what kills me. It used to be that figuring something out on your own or solving a problem had a certain level of excitement to it, but now that I'm in my 20s and trying to adult, it's a thing you do to just survive. I can't even say I'm living right now, because living implies excitement and energy and passion around the thought of existing... And I don't have that.
Long story short: I am a formerly gifted child struggling to accept that struggle is an inevitability of the human experience. Smarts won't give us a free pass on that one, regardless of what school, friends, or parents used to tell you.
@@animeartist888 I empathize and wish I could offer support
Your comment just made me cry. That's exactly how I feel at the moment.
Excellent video as always!!!
I was nodding the whole time as I agree, my case is the opposite but paralels what you are saying somewhat
I have mild ADHD, have high functioning autism and have a learning disability(I process information a lot slower and it would take me a month to learn something big where it would take most I knew in highschool 1 week.
I was told by everyone, including family that I was a failure and stupid and it did depress me a lot but I realized later in life that I have an excellent skill of awareness and analitical skills.
I worked insanely hard, studying 4 hours a night in HS to pass tests and after HS I never went out to party but looked into the real world and how everything work(work, tax, superannuation etc) and tried everything
I did many labor jobs eventually qualifying as a mechanic and I am proud of myself, I then became self aware and that drove me in a 6 month depression as I know how the world works and it broke me mentally.
After this I worked hard and am now proud of where I am, I make mistakes but I accept it and find ways to resolve them for next tine
Wow, this is hitting hard. Thanks for putting this out.
Holy shit. I was never called a “gifted” kid but I relate so much with this video. I was treated as a very smart bright child with an abnormally large reading level and comprehension as well as writing and communication skills.
I rode that wave until college and then just dropped off hard. I never knew why. I was so confused and burned out. I never realized that I just didn’t have the skills to properly study.
A lot of parents coach their kids really well until they get to school and then hey it's "hands off"- big jump in responsibility and not having coached kids on being independent and responsible the kids falter and go from high achievers to dropouts...
A similar sort of thing happens to me with writing exams in college. Back in school I almost never took any notes for any subject other than maths. Now I cannot believe how many pages people can write within 90 minutes that takes me atleast 2 hours to do
sadly college is where you learn to study, just by stumbling over and over until you figure it out yourself.
Education needs an update.
I'm just starting to feel this now...
@@MadsterV So true :S They have us running around in circles, wasting money and time with the hopes of improved career or life prospects by preaching memorisation more than anything else. What the *****?
For me the biggest shock you get as a "gifted kid" is that you stop being the smartest kid in the class by highschool
No please I just finished my freshman year and the amount of disappointment I felt in myself for not being the highest ranked in multiple of my classes was a lot for me.
@@p-_-.b Hey, that doesnt mean you are not smarter. I feel like I was one of the smartest even tho I was almost worst by grades. You just dont see your worth, just find examples like me, I was the only one to finish the homework everybody struggled doing and it was too easy for me, that is when I truly learned grades doesnt mean smart and orher way around
Grades is not equal to intelligence. Like how does your pe grade relate to your intelligence. + if you have a stupid teacher as a smart person you're more easily annoyed by them because you better recognize the things they do wrong what prbly causes a bad relationship with that teacher. Grades are subjective and everything else from equal to intelligence. I am like 4 best kid in grades but then we had a logic/math/intelligence test (it's called Känguru in Germany Austria and Switzerland I think) and I got like 50ish best of my country (although I didn't really try because the test did not affect our grades so I just started talking with my classmates in the last 20 minutes)
I used to be one of the best in primary school, and when I got to high school reality hit me in the face.
Hit me like a truck when I went from the smart kid in class to the "I didn't fail you because you are a behave good in class"
Which doesn't only hit hard because i ended up being the dumbest kid in class, but also that i lacked learning to socialize too and that's what my good behavior essentially is.
So it just made me feel even stupider, just 100% stupid, too stupid to even fail
I was a gifted child. Expectations were super high for me but I never needed to study even in things like trig. Things were bad at home though so I didn't have a environment conducive to study anyways. But this made me go through a crash my senior year when depression hit really really hard and I couldn't get help because my parents didn't want me to go through therapy because they didn't want me talking about what was going on at home. I was in an AP class at the time and I started failing because I couldn't do the work. That teacher was an angel though. She was known as a super hard nose that wouldn't let students make up work. She was really just a good teacher that couldn't tell when students were just being lazy or when they were actually studying. She could tell I was struggling and she did everything she could to help me get through things. She saw me a few years later and it was nice to catch up. I'm grateful for people that recognize that we're human too and don't put us on a pedistal.
You just described the path of my life. This made so much sense. Hopefully I can help my gifted son avoid the pitfalls I stepped straight into.
I have never been able to put into words why I struggled academically despite being "intelligent" until this video. It didn't help that I grew up in a "your homework better be done by the time I get home" household instead of a "what are you working on in class? do you need help?" type of parenting style.
I was an independent reader by 3 so I was never helped in school or by my parents because they thought learning came easy to me.
Advanced classes in middle school became a struggle because homework scores started to outweigh test scores.
By high school, I was labeled "lazy" because I never did homework but passed every test. I dropped out senior year and got my GED to the disappointment of my family. Guilt tripped by them over "not having the opportunity to throw me an open house" because I "failed". Lost out on thousands in celebratory gifts that I saw my siblings receive upon graduation.
By age 30 I am finally diagnosed as autistic. I am just now starting to receive the support I desperately needed as a child and am returning to community college for a fresh start.
I wish you the best, man.
We have deadass almost identical backstories. Stay strong friend, we got this. 🙏
Rooting for you!
@@Prodby.Mvl7R same with me
@@simonsidorov I'm at the part with the numbness, struggles to focus, nd crippled self confidence. Which part are you at? lol
There are a couple things I wish you had mentioned:
1. Most people grow up not realizing that they're gifted. The societal expectation of a "gifted" kid is skipping grades and being academically ahead of everyone else. So, a lot of people who are smart think they're just "above average" without realizing they're actually gifted.
2. Imposter syndrome.
3. Multipotentialism. This "gift" is more like a curse when you don't have the freedom in life to do whatever you want.
4. High sensitivity.
5. Gifted adults in the workplace. Society assumes gifted kids grow up to be CEOs and NASA members. Yet, it is expected 1-2% of the population is gifted, so obviously, that isn't the case. What society ignores is the gifted adult forced to flip burgers or do repetitive desk work for a living because of financial or mental disadvantages. In work environments where employees aren't able to have freedom in their work nor a way to express themselves creatively, gifted adults become targets. Bosses like them for their quick learning and work ethic but hate them for questioning the way things are done or for trying to find a more efficient or creative way to do something or for wanting to learn something beyond their assigned position that they've already mastered. Bosses want them to just shut up and comply, which further eats away at the gifted adult's motivation and potential.
Edit: Wow, I never expected this comment to get so much attention in just 2 days. I really want to respond to everyone, especially those who asked questions. I also want to link where I got some of my research/things that led to me drawing certain conclusions/helpful resources I've come across. I want to have more in-depth discussions about all the things I've mentioned and all the things YOU'VE mentioned. But I just don't feel a text format would be best for that. So, I'm considering making a series of videos where I delve into all of this. It would likely be on a different account, so I'll link the video when (if) I make it. If there's anything you want me to address that isn't already in this thread, please feel free to mention it...
Frick. About 1st paragraph.... i just wrote comments describing how i feel about myself very simmlar to what you described (not gifted, just bit over average, because "gifted" people are ones to pass harvard at 15" what's yiur definition of gifted then?
@@tornad8063
It took me a while to realize I was gifted. In college, I took a Special Education class and had a project on gifted and talented students. Doing research on that made me realize so many things about myself. I would describe "gifted" as quick learners (in some areas, not necessarily all) who have a hunger for learning. They are natural learners, meaning learning is something that can happen passively for them (again, not for all subjects). Gifted individuals are more likely to have an odd sense of humor, an intensity to their personality, a streak of perfectionism, multipotentialism, peculiar sensitivity, creativity, and other traits that help identify even underachieving or low motivation gifted individuals from the general populace. I don't consider IQ to be a good measure of giftedness because those test what you "should" already know, not your ability to absorb and utilize new information...
@@sophiefilo16 shit... it kinda describes me. . . Thank you for describing that. Now I'm in 2nd grade of technical high school, so i have quite a some possibikities to increase my practical knowlege/get experience, but first i need to increase my productivity/work efficency, as i think, I spend too much time doing nothing and when i do stuff, i'm often very distracted
I have been labeled as “difficult” so many times in my professional life for the things you describe in point 5.
Point five is a big issue in a lot of jobs. Related to that I e noticed that some managers will take advantage of a person's perfectionist streak and ability to learn to dump you with tasks you aren't equipped to handle either because you haven't been trained or don't have the resources to do it properly- and then blame you if you fail. If you succeed it's almost worse because it makes them feel validated and want to keep doing the same things.
Ya as a gifted kid who got the absolute blessing of being able to learn how to study quick seeing all my peers fail even though they were smart and my friends was soul crushing. I felt like I didn’t have anybody to talk to about anything bc whatever I was interested in I was too young to talk to people who know about this but too “smart” to talk about my interested with other kids. It’s a loss/loss scenario
I never understood “studying” or “revising”. I remembered whatever it is the first time I was taught it, no need to remind myself of information I already took in and retained before.
Oh my gosh, this is mind blowing. I was a “gifted kid” who started to crash and burn in 7th grade. I went from being treated like a golden child to a slacker bum. I even had a teacher write in my yearbook a snarky comment about how I had the ability to do better work if only I’d bothered to apply myself. By the time high school was over (low average GPA) I didn’t even want to bother with college and ended up marrying very young. I’m now 48 years old, wondering what to do with the rest of my life. Thank you so much for this video, it has caused me to look at so many things in an entirely new light.
I feel that.
I’m a High School Senior and I’m going through the exact same thing
@@Exceed_HS same
@@Exceed_HS well I'll make sure not to marry anytime soon
I’m 34, and your story reflects mine all too well.
A lot of pressure from my teachers made me want to not do anything.
"If he only applied himself" was something I heard throughout my time at school. And every single one of those teachers missed the ADHD that was lurking beneath the surface that wasn't diagnosed until I was 33.
We could start a club.
i have adhd and im gifted lol
@@LeCharles07 where can i join?
Same
wonder why being gifted and adhd is so linked
Thank you Dr. K for teaching me about myself, things that so obvious yet can't be realized without a pause and a calm mind.
This video explains my experience SO WELL!. The whole hitting the wall, not developing the GRIT necessary for life as you get older, THE EXPECTATIONS!… I feel like I could achieve such greatness but also I feel incapable of putting forth sustained mental and physical effort to achieve it! I often think I’m failing at everything! Literally relate to everything you said!
As a "gifted kid" I really felt the whole studying thing. All throughout elementary I was getting nothing but As. then middle school rolls around, I'm fine, but slightly struggling. Last year of middle school I hit a brick wall. I physically couldn't study, my grades plummeted, and I was already struggling mentally so I really was hopeless. As went went straight down to Ds and Fs because I physically couldn't keep up. I passed 8th grade with one point higher than the minimum requirement, my only motivation being pure spite of my "giftedness".
I have a suspicion that I'm "gifted" but I've never been tested. So as a maybe-possibly-gifted-but-also-possibly-not-gifted person I too have little to no study skills other than this: talking outloud in a weird voice to keep myself entertained. Like reading the words or narrating what I'm doing outloud to myself in an entertaining voice. If you are still in school this might help you. The only problem is it doesn't work when you have to deal with classmates.
I fell under that category at some point, I skated through school and would only do well on tests. I never studied, but when I did, I could ace anything. I was purely lazy and that's why I never reached my true potential.
same I hit the wall in 8th too and to make it worse that was when covid hit
I tried in 9th but the only classes I as doing well in was art and even that was difficult because I'd make a very ambitious project and not finish it
I did a little better in 10th but my math grades were shit and I never turned in my reading reflections(basically the only hw for that class) in AICE English so I'd have all assignments turned in except the reflections abd end up w a C in that class bc of it
I'm in the summer between 10th abd 11th and honestly really scared for my future,I even started to have s-icidal thoughts recently
Same af. I passed 8th grade geometry with a 60. In 7th grade Algebra, I was getting tutoring lessons like 2-5 times a week.
The greatest thing my parents ever did for me as a gifted kid was to praise effort over results. It used to piss me off as a kid, but it helped me to not fear failure and learn to apply myself more.
welp ,im pissed off now hahaha
My parents only praise my grades when I get a good grade in subject that I struggle with
I had the opposite, didn't put in any effort, didn't need any effort. Still got praised even for a shitty attempt. Nothing felt very rewarding because everything was like "eh, it's whatever."
Well there's that internal locus of control! I'm glad you were able to get that
@findingpetey what did your parents tell you while growing up that made it clear that they were praising effort instead of results
This explains my entire life. Just came across your content yesterday, thank you so much for your explanations on your expertise.
I'm 33 years old, what you're saying is spot on. I wish this was recognized in the 90s. Hopefully as a society we can learn from this.
I’m studying to be a teacher and this is such an interesting topic in psychology! Gifted kids need specific instruction that challenges them A LOT so they develop study habits because they often don’t ever use studying as a way to learn because they’re ‘too smart’. I was a ‘gifted’ kid and I never had to study until I got to college and I really screwed up my first and second years because I didn’t how to study bc I was never taught how or needed to. I had to get a tutor for the first time in my life in order to pass my classes and I really had to break down that thought process that I didn’t need to be tutored because I was always told that I was ‘too smart’ to be tutored. Facing failure and learning how to accept help was so hard for me because I never had to do it until I was 19/20, and I hate that. I can’t imagine how much grief I would have been able to take off my shoulders if someone just sat me down and told me that studying, failing, and going to tutoring are all a part of the learning process and never a bad thing!!
Ah. Guess I’m lucky. I never learned how to study but I’m curious about practically everything, so I spend all day googling things I want to know more about anyway. Not really proper studying but it is learning in my own way.
I do the same thing. I had the thought the other day that I have the knowledge to do my dream job, I possess those skills. Self taught. But I still can't do it despite that. I need a paper that says I know what I do already know. If I have the knowledge what does it matter where I acquired it from?
It makes me sad I can't prove myself based on my merit. I can't use the skills I've cultivated and the knowledge I've gained purely from my passion for the subject because I didn't get those things in a classroom. I have as much work experience and knowledge as any fresh graduate, what really is the difference?
The only thing I can see different is I didn't pay to get past the gatekeepers. People don't rise because of their merit, they rise because of money spent. Our priorities are wrong.
100% agree with you here, I graduated from gifted primary school and I’m currently dying only my second year in secondary
if u had to study for first years of college u arent gifted lol
@@manee2412 f u
I have a friend who was deemed gifted, and skipped 2nd grade. Literally one day he got called into the principals office, and the next he was in 3rd. Fastforward 8 years and he struggled to barely pass highschool and extreme mental health issues. Thankfully from what ive heard hes attending a community college and is much happier.
i skipped a grade too, was still in advanced classes, etc. never properly learned how to study and then once college came i crashed and burned. so i feel that. still trying to pick up the pieces but i’m getting there.
the worst part is people telling me i’m gonna grow up to do great things and yet i feel like i’ve disappointed everyone i know
I have a similar story to that, I skipped the fifth grade and now I’m in high school with terrible terrible grades (mostly in English)
This makes me so happy that I refused to skip a grade in elementary school to stay with my friends
@@tobymacdonald5893 bro this happened to me I got past my first 2 years of my undergrad Electrical engineering / comp sci degree with minimal studying. Now bro I feel so ruined like wasted potential. The worst feeling is when the people you knew were betting for you to reach your potential have now written you off as wasted potential as well.
@@XerxesTexasToast i did that too!
I absolutely adore the analogies he's using in this video. Being gifted since 3rd grade, I have always struggled to explain to my father why I struggled in high school when homework became 75% of the grade. I was able to avoid homework and studying until Middle/High by passing every exam I took with ease. I was a bad test taker when it came to anything over a specific set time like college tests. I know I'm smart, I know I have the capability to do things other people can but my brain is hardwired differently. Exactly how he explained the shack vs mansion discussion. I flunked out of college after two years of Dual Enrollment. Now that I have watched this video I have faith I can do everything I always told myself it was just too much. Woo! Thanks Dr. K
This is so helpful! and encouraging- to know so many people being in this boat.
The worst part about this is that you can't talk about it openly, because it seems really pretentious and self-centered. "Oh I don't really feel like doing anything with my life, even though I could do thrice what my peers do, because I'm burnt out from the expectations I gathered from my parents and teachers because I am above average at everything I do". Like how obnoxious does that sound to others? I grew up constantly hearing I was destined to do great things, but at middle school I felt like I did nothing with my life other than just exist and float like the rest. Long story short, I dropped out of high-school and went through 3 long years of a heavy depression. Not until I found Dr.K I realized it is an ACTUAL burden and others experience it to.
Although I'm still passive, I picked up school and finished, and also completed mandatory military service. But the thoughts of me underperforming at everything still lingers.
You made me cry, I just realized I was just pretending to be fine. All my life, studying was easy, I'm a quick learner, but now I just can't do anything, I have so many projects, but none of them appeals me anymore. I feel empty, not good enough, I feel like I just ruined my life. I have no dream. Why am I even living ? I'm so lost
I couldn't even watch the video because it made me suddenly feel like sh*t
אתה משלנו אח יקר
גאה בך אחי
> even though I could do thrice what my peers do
you're still doing it
I found that when Dr K talked about humility and expectations, it really resonated with me.
I think it helps a lot to reduce your perception of self importance, to allow yourself to be satisfactory or good enough. To set a normal level of expectation for yourself and learn to feel that it's good enough! What's best is not always necessarily best.
Carole Dwecks growth mindset also talks about a lot of these themes.
As a "gifted" child who later turned out to have ADHD, autism, and probably maladaptive daydreaming, god this hits so hard. I've been told I'm "so creative!" and that i should be a detective, an animator, a hairstylist... I'm not even 16 yet and my mom is already pushing me to be an architect :-[
You needn't forget to give yourself space, You're still early to find out, you'll be up there but you need to find your own pace. A thing people often overlook is that as long as you're walking you're going forward, even if you only take a single step a day. People expect 'gifted' people to move faster, to develop at a rapid pace. Our autism makes this almost impossible, we have productive days and days we are absolutely useless. It's important you see that you deserve as much time as others.
I found out I was autistic at age 17 when I was wondering why I just couldn't push myself.
I'm in university for Electrical engineering right now, and about 4 months ago I burned out due to emotional strain. I crashed, and it forced me to give myself time, and only by slowly building myself up i began to realize how important it really was to move at my own pace.
Find your pace, don't push yourself too much, vocalise it if you cant keep up.
I don't generally leave comments, but I had a similar experience in my own life (I think I literally received all four of those same recommendations, even... weird) so I just... kinda felt compelled to say something, I guess. Feel free to take it or leave it, this is just some stuff I wish someone had told me when I was 15.
Basically, do what it is that YOU want to do with your life. You may know what that is already, or you may have no idea. Either way, it's important to follow a path that feels right to you. I know it can be hard to have the confidence to do that when the adults in your life are trying to maneuver you into a career they can approve of. It's stressful and it hurts (especially for those of us who are additionally dependent on our patents due to special needs, which is a situation I'm in as an adult). Regardless, we need to have the freedom to live our own lives and pursue our own interests to the extent we are able.
People will pretty much always have opinions about what they think you should do, and generally (at least as far as parents and family are concerned) they're just trying to help you pick a future that ensures some measure of security. Financial stability is obviously important (and I hope I'm not giving irresponsible advice here), but having a successful career that feels empty and utterly devoid of joy is arguably not worth what you sacrifice to achieve it. And honestly who knows what the successful careers of the next few decades even look like? People have careers that either seemed financially unfeasible or didn't even exist yet when I was your age (I'm currently 33), so even if something you decide you're interested in seems weird or unconventional, it might not be in the near future.
Lastly, It's okay to screw up. It's okay to feel lost. That's a normal (even necessary!) part of life, and sometimes those big stumbles are what [inadvertently] help us the most in figuring out who we are and what we actually want out of life. It really comes down to how we look at it. Someone I greatly respect said that there's no such thing as a mistake; that there's no way to actually get life "wrong." So by extension, there's no need to feel so much pressure to "get it right." Just do what you can to find some ease and happiness, whatever that might mean for you individually.
Anyway, fingers crossed that I managed to say something useful and not overly preachy or repetitive in regard to things already mentioned in the video. Also... sorry I couldn't condense it more. If you read the whole thing, thank you. It was a bit scary writing it.
Good luck, kiddo, and take care.
@@etheric_dissonance oh my god, thank you so much /gen 😭 this was exactly what i needed to hear right now,,,,, i hope youre doing well with whatever it is that youre doing, and i'm happy you decided to take the time to comment :-] it means a lot to me!
@@arsonistnpc It made my day to hear you say that! So glad I was helpful to you.
@@cryfe Very true. I wanted to take a gap year before starting my undergraduate degree, but my parents told me if I didn't have a plan of what to do I shouldn't bother. Also that I should stay in the loop with my academic work and start my degree straight away, despite the fact I wanted a break to catchup properly with the previous work (partly due to bad study habits as mentioned in this video), having done Maths, Further Maths and Physics at A level. I also wanted to do my driving lessons properly and pass my driving test, I hadn't started them earlier due to general pressure.
I don't know if I would have done better since I may not have addressed my study shortfalls anyway, but burning out midway through my undergraduate has meant it has taken me 9 years to finally get a Masters (well I will be completing it this year but I am confident I will get it). Four years to get a bare pass BEng in Mechanical Engineering (I had to resit my final year), two years hiatus and now finally at the end of a three year part time MSc in advanced materials and additive manufacturing (which I don't think I even need now with my current career goals) and I still haven't passed my driving test.
I wonder if I had taken a gap year that I would have adressed my anxiety and stress, got some real life perspective and got through my undergraduate masters. Then I would have completed it four years ago, despite taking an extra gap year.
This is about right, I feel. I was “gifted” at the piano from very early on. People assumed my ‘gift’ would carry me on to my greater destiny without hiccups. Rather, I harshly found out in my teen years that, yeah, I was gifted, but so are dozens of other people that I had to compete with. And by that time, I had never developed a proper mechanism for studying and coming back from “behind” so to speak. I was literally outclassed by people who, I wrongly thought were less gifted, but had a better work ethic. Lesson learned: your work ethic can and will supersede any gift you have, eventually, if done right. It’s almost like just being really talented, but having a badly organized spirit.
Brooooooo ouch that hit in the core of my heart 😢 what u spoke was really true . Thanks to people like u who do their assignment people like us can get some help
I tested at 130 IQ in middle school and was expected to get straight As the rest of my life. The pressure folded me, I dropped out of college at 19 and got addicted to opiates and did nothing with my life for 10 years. Finally accepted that I need to want success and to work hard and I'm just finishing my first semester of software engineer degree now at 29
Glad you got over your addiction!! Also what’s an IQ test like
good shit, cool name too
@@Fionacle Logic puzzles
Great job!
Hell yea man, congrats! Keep it up!
This also evolved for me to have the experience of "any time I try something new and it doesn't immediately come naturally for me, I give up because I think I'm a failure and not good enough"
Eyyyyyyy, same.
maybe you are
@@skotomogilnik6305 really good defeatist attitude you've got there
Eyyyy
Welcome to the club.
You complimentary water is on the side. You are going to need it if you develop depression, because eventually even the stuff you are good at will be hard and you'll feel like a bigger failure for failing at topic you are good at.
Honestly, I would say, find a way to keep on trying. For me it was stubbornness. Not sure if it was healthy, but as long as you keep hitting the wall it will eventually crumble away. Not recommended though because it does take a long time. Someone must have a better way. I was just to stubborn and probably dumb to find it.
why even try..
I feel that.
bored of everything. to lazy to do anything about it.. etc forever.
school is more of a social conditioning than anything. the politics, from jr high on ,are identical to adults
Thanks man. im happy i found this before my 11th, this helped me a lot
I never hit the wall until I got to college and I couldn't even finish my first year. My English/grammar grades were average but weren't ever an issue. I loved physics and that's what I wanted to do. A combination of that wall and my degrading mental health just broke me and my passion during that first year and I dropped out during the second semester. I'm still having a lot of issues with my mental health almost 10 years since then and I haven't been able to get passionate about anything either. I feel so crushed
Oh yeah I love being a gifted child! I love when they keep pushing me in higher level math classes with zero foundation and now that I'm so ahead, going to the basics will actually completely derail me and cost me so much time. Love resorting to learn what to do on the test rather than learn how it actually works. I just passed Calc 2 and now I struggle with Physics because I don't have any real math skills
@@N0TMICAH It's fucking awful
Life actually gets easier after school. I have three degrees, but I have not used as much as energy, time and effort since those degrees. I am an executive with a Fortune 500 company and make in an day what a lot of people make in a month. But my point is, life has not been difficult, jobs, relationships etc ever since college and those three degrees. Just get over them, take your time don’t overly fret about the future, just plan one step at a time with a big goal in mind. Mine was to be a ceo of a Fortune 500 company. For many it’s an unattainable goal, but I kept working at it and about three rings below that level today.
Ooh buddy you're in for it, Calc 3 is the hardest one and physics only increases in difficulty. Good luck and hang in there
I was entered into a program that had me doing advanced classes like college calculus in my junior year of high school… couldn’t handle it, genuinely learned stuff to just pass tests and would go onto other kinds of branches or formulas and it completely overloaded me and now I can barely do some algebra 2 or even geometry questions
I don't know if this helps but it hit me hard when i got a job as a web development and realized that I don't have to care about anything I have ever learned in school/uni
I totally get this... I was gifted and by the time i got to high school, i was struggling. I literally asked my dad, "how do i study?" And all he kept saying "just try harder." Parents still see me as a lazy bum.
I had the same problems. I remember in middle school I started to struggle with math as I was put in accelerated classes during elementary school, primarily because I was really good at reading and had picked up simple mathematics quickly. Algebra came around though and I had trouble, I would ask my teachers and parent for help but would just get told that I'm smart so I should be able to figure it out on my own. That became a reoccurring trend of me needing help only to never be given it because I was expected to have been independent based on my prior abilities.
Oh my gosh, I feel you. I never felt the need to study during my elementary and high school years. It was only when I went to college that I realized that I did not know how to study. I'm pretty sure that my parents also see me the same way as yours.
I’m going through the same thing right now. What do I do?
@@kennyobi9871 I don't know man
I rlly wanna know how ppl study cuz all I can do it stare at the my notes for a while and hope I remember it
I love this video, it makes so much sense and I feel a lot better about myself.
Thank you so much for this.
heres a strat for parents, dont say your kid is special or better than everyone else, just let them make their own identity
EDIT: not saying parents should be detached from your life, they should support you in your ventures and all, be your ally and that kind of stuff. Don't force them to be something!
@@WolfJ Yep. You're a product of your enviornment, which is probably why kids are told shit like that. Maybe it's cause the parents want to help them get started in life.
Or just stop using the terms gifted and special. I was told I was "borderline gifted," by one of my teachers, and it messed with me for a while. I would have been better off if they said I might have a learning disability or I had some signs of neurodivergence/ADHD/autism. I now realize it was ADHD and dyscalculia. My strengths of ADHD can be very helpful in some situations, so I'm hoping I can get a job that uses those, but it's hard when some see only positive (like parents), and others see only negative (like in job interviews).
That's bad advice, you got to look out a test your child young so you can build healthy strategies to back off the educational system which is the actual enemy here, bad pedagogical practices spoil gifted children, makes them neurotic.
@@WolfJ Well, personally I think we (or at least some people) can have separate external and internal identities. To others, I'm seen as quiet, serious, disciplined, intelligent (I studied engineering), but I never considered myself to be that much smarter than others and probably the only person that knows who I really am (spontaneous, philosophical, emotional, accommodating) is my partner. I honestly got sick of my external identity that adults only saw in me and decided to withdraw from the people of that world and that made me think about what I really wanted to do and now I think I'm a lot happier being able to pursue a different career that caters more to my internal identity (I find myself being able to genuinely smile more because the skill sets required are more compatible to my personality traits).
@@WolfJ So we agree but just label them differently, lol.
Two things that I wanted to point out:
1) there’s also a sense of guilt surrounding the idea of being told that you’re“gifted” or more intelligent than others. Perhaps from other kids telling you that you have it easier, or maybe from seeing other kids struggle more for things you find easy. You start feeling like you don’t deserve to be more intelligent and it makes you feel ashamed. At the same time, it’s also feeling competitive and like you constantly need to prove yourself and your “superiority”. And when you get an average grade or someone else in the class shows off that they have higher grades than you, you feel insecure and you’re reminded that you’re just normal.
2) from growing up and having it easy, you start setting the bar low because minor signs of things starting to feel mentally challenging become exhausting. It’s a dichotomy though, because you still feel like you need to maintain good grades, and I think this causes burnout and lack of ambition and goals.
I think I suffer from the second point you mention. it sucks.
My life in a nutshell
I outright stopped attending school and trying in classes partially cause even the slightest sign of failure felt so but and severe to me. I had once or twice gotten what would have been a passing grade but because it was less than last year I'd feel like the worst scum of the planet, trash that could be thrown away and be made again but better.
OKAY YES! I want myself to appear smart but at the same time I don't want to say I ma smarter than others because I am not. But I want to be smart and keep up this facade of being smart when I know Im stupid
I feel exposed O.O
This was a very thoughtful presentation.
So this video really highlighted what was happening for my whole education life. I never really knew that I was deemed "gifted" until you threw those buzzwords into my ears like being "smart" or "better than everyone". I watched through the whole video and really relate to your terminology of setting high expectations for yourself like how you said, "building a mansion with the same materials as the neighbor's next-door shack." I can give you another terminology, but in the world of an aspiring game developer/Artist. I see someone make good thing. "cool, I want to make a thing like that." so I work on it, and I feel inspired, and happy, until two days later, I hate the thing I made cause it did not live up to my expectations. I continue seeing things I want to make, but fail. completely self-hating myself in an infinite loop. Okay so It might not be a terminology at the end, but there were a few similar topics that you said, and what I was doing. Sorry that I had to rant for this long, it's just so bizarre that I thought I never have been gaslit, but then have my school gaslight me into being "smarter than I seem." If I were to have written a video essay before I saw this, I would try to read the essay I made and whether I liked it or not, it would be either deleted or just ignored. Now I'll try to just accept that I write like this and just move on. Idk, maybe I could make videos; Time will only tell. Anyways hope you were doing well, a bot did not generate this comment, I can proove lik right now, and thanks for helping me. gotta write this in my Journal now :) bye
It's not even necessarily about ego, it can just be about identity. "If I'm not 'the smart kid', who even am I?" It's a sort of death, like your whole life has been a lie.
True!
*Exactly.*
Ego is identity
wtf why is this just aaaaaaaaaaaa
Yup, that jump into college is a real big smack in the face of “wait who tf am I if I’m not the smart kid?”
As a former “gifted” kid myself, I can tell you a lot of my problems stemmed from undiagnosed ADHD and autism. As a young child, those things presented themselves as “gifted” behavior, but when I got to high school suddenly I was a “slacker”. Now as an adult I have everything diagnosed and treated by doctors, suddenly all of my past behavior makes perfect sense. I just wish more parents would pull their heads out of their asses and recognize the problems kids have aren’t just with motivation or discipline.
I have diagnosed ADHD and my parents still think im just lazy and I'm ignoring stuff. Hell, I AM really smart, but I suck at actually using the smarts for stuff. I also have bad short term memory loss. Mom it's not video games I swear to god :(
@@realhumanbeing1714 in assuming you're still young so focus on things that interest you and start putting time in to get good at them now. If you like guitar start putting in time now if you like art start practicing now if you have a career in mind start focusing on it now and block out all the bs. You can be a master of anything in five years if you try so the sooner you start the better you'll be in your late 20s. Don't worry about school so much the curriculum is bullshit become a master of things that interest you and then learn how to market those skills to make money and you'll love a fulfilling life. Sincerely, a big kid with adhd that's struggling to find themselves in their late 20s
I was "diagnosed" with autism in 2009 (what turned out to be like a working hypothesis they never tested afterwards). I had that revised last year and it turned out I had been cured. Jokes aside, I hear and see a lot of the same stories of people in my country that were tested as a kid, had things that, at that time, would fit in giftedness, autism, AD(H)D etc. cause they are so damn close to each other on paper. I don't know if I'm gifted or not. The only thing I know is that, on paper, the research done in my childhood would be a perfect fit.
Like you said it's good to know what's the reason behind something. That's also why they have to be (more) careful in what they diagnose and where they don't take a better look at. They act on a diagnose, so it's also harmful when you treat someone for something he's not.
@@603POV Tbh you're so right. Since I chose to only do things I like and learn things I really wanna know I'm so much happier. I know, in high school there are a lot of things "you really need to do cause you have to", but search for something you want to do. It's necessary and prevents you from throwing away your life until you're 20, cause you did nothing for school, passed it and slept all day. I'm only 21 now, but my life changed so much when I made that decision last year! It's now the time to do things, the way I want :P
@@603POV me and my family always say this but. Our worth nowadays tends to be based on one or two peices of paper and not on genuine skill. Ignore that 'necessary' papers and get enough skill and experience and you'll do 10× better.
A good story my mum tells me was a kid who went through school to become a nurse (not a general one) and couldn't do the basics, didn't know maths, would let a patient lay hurt and so much more bad stuff. She had all the paper that said she was apparently smart enough for this and knew less than I did when I was 8.
this helped me so much bro thank you
Oh my god, I feel this. I failed out of college and an honours degree and had to fall back into a tech college and a diploma. But you can crawl out of the shame and start working to reach your goals. I’m now happy in my career with a masters and all the time to do what I want. My struggles are helping me with raising my own kids and helping them reach their potential without pressure and with support.
I'm a 46 year old woman, gifted my whole childhood, got a degree in mathematics and a second one in physics...ended up homeless and addicted for 10 years before pulling myself together, and now I'm happy to be making $15 at an (oddly challenging but grossly underappreciated) job. I connected so much with this video and I'm not even halfway through - I just had to stop to say thank you for making this. (It's getting me right in the feels! Oh, my heart! *sniffle*)
I'm in a very similar situation. Starting over from scratch in my late forties. All my degrees, including a PhD, have been completely worthless - a complete waste of time. I'm now doing a job I could have done right out of college. And I'm really lucky to have that job. They took a chance on me.
@@ast453000 hey just curious, how come those degrees ended up being useless? any advice on how they could be used, or what you would do instead? thanks
@@mr.mediocre3567 They're degrees in the Humanities, and I couldn't get a tenure track job at a university. Which is the only job those degrees qualify you for. I taught myself some computer programming, which is what I'm doing now.
@@ast453000 I mean, I know
investment bankers with political science degrees. A PhD would certainly qualify you for a lot of high paying jobs.
@@BlingIsSpring I have an art degree and work in finance, can confirm, the type of degree doesn't really matter
As a “former gifted kid”, I personally was never given real incentive to succeed other than it was just expected from me. Success and a high paying job we’re sorta expected of me, but I never felt like I ever had the self motivation to find meaning in any of that success. Which is why I threw away the idea of success early on.
Same!
I don't know about the gifted part, but I sure was hella curious and did a lot of stuff on my own. No one cared a bit or guided me to take my game ot the next level. I was pretty much clueless about what I was supposed to do next.
Atleast now, I'm more conscious of myself and others and can take care of myself.
@@_PranavDesai I can definitely relate with the "feeling clueless" part...
This is me but now I’m just trying to find motivation but it’s not working out because my source of “inspiration” has also caused my downfall so now I have to let go and live for myself but it’s so her when you don’t really have any ambitions and you don’t really care about having alot of money
This is happening to me right now because what’s is the point of any of this, like getting straight a’s is an achievement sure but a’s and b’s has the same outcome.
Success is having a bespoke life, not that other stuff.
Wow, I love that mansion example you gave, it's so true. Sorta helped to open my eyes about how things work, because yeah I (not to brag) have always found school pretty easy for the most part, got As and Bs (for the most part, except for math, I always sucked at math), and had teachers and my parents praise me for being smart and tell me that I was gonna go far. I didn't have to study all that hard back when I was in school (again, I'm really sorry if this sounds like bragging I don't mean to). When I did run into stuff I couldn't grasp intuitively (like math) I unfortunately shut down and gave up, thinking I wasn't good at it. I thought it should be easy to build that mansion, since that's kind of what I'd been indirectly taught. But like you said, mansions are a lot of work to build, just being "gifted" isn't going to allow you to build that mansion any faster or using less wood. You pretty much hit the nail on the head with this video, everything in it I can relate to and makes sense.