As an FA, If I really love you but feel it isn’t working for me, no contact is super painful and I can miss you for a very, very long time. By the time I have gone no contact the pain has gotten so intolerable and I feel that options have been exhausted. I will tell you not to reach out not because I am unhappy with you, but because I believe it’s for the best and I need you to help me let go as I am so prone to coming back and starting the cycle over again. I’m sorry, I do love you, I just haven’t found any other way.
Exactly. Same sentiments here. 😢 It breaks my heart if my SO is hurt too for telling them I can't stay as friends with them if I ask them for no contact . It's soo hard to let go because I still have strong feelings for them but the thing is it didn't work out no matter what or I am just being triggered every single time. If they are exhausted, I'm truly sorry for acting and feeling this way but I'm tired with myself as well. My emotions are too much to handle. 😢 It's better to move on with our own separate lives than keep on hurting their heart over and over again. It's a way that I do care and love them. I'm on my phase of my life right now to heal my inner wounds caused from consecutive trauma and from childhood. In behalf of those people loving an FA, we are deeply sorry for shattering you. We have to work on ourselves first because no one can change or help us but ourselves.
@@freespirit12and @RubberJunk1 did you tell your significant other this or just try and pretend that no contact was the best thing and no other explanation was offered? As an AP on the receiving end, the no contact has actually helped me to see things differently as well so I would have loved the chance to actually talk about things rather than being blanked, even if you do perceive it as being for my own good.
@@AG-bx1cc I did tell them though. In fact, I wrote letters and long messages to explain my side about everything. My recent past person was an AP too but the thing is he didn't tell me honestly how he truly feel. I am not a mind reader ( I called him out once for this too) so I just observe his non verbal expressions and behaviors towards me. We had an on and off cycle for 3 times until I decided to leave as I sense it's beyond saving when he won't openly communicate.
@@AG-bx1cc just give her enough time and space who knows after a month or 2, she will unblock you to any platform waiting for your message if in case she still wants to reconcile with you. I don't know if all FAs think the same but I don't usually text my past person first if we are from a no contact agreement. Good luck and I pray you will get her back.
My FA broke up with me 3 weeks ago. Out of the blue. We were not having any issues or problems. The night before he said how much he loved me and how I was his person. He said he’s never been in a relationship like this and never knew anyone could love him this way. He said “thank you for keeping me with all my flaws”. My heart only beats for you and I want you in my life forever. The next day - our anniversary he said I can’t do this anymore I can’t give you what you need I’ve had an affinity for women while we were dating I don’t believe in monogamy Just let me go. Set me free. I don’t even know how to process this? I’ve reached out many times and he’s not responding. I’m devastated. How do you swing from one extreme to another? And before anyone says “move on. Run”. I’m not a robot. I still love him and this doesn’t make sense 😢 He’s FA and I was secure when we met and overtime his hot and cold ways broken me down and made me more anxious.
I was in a similar situation. My FA and I entered into a "open/non-exclusive" relationship agreed upon initially by both parties, he said he felt like he was willing to close up and commit to me, promised me a whole life and the world, that he wasn't going anywhere and I was special to him. When I then asked for us to close up and commit and be exclusive, he said "only non-monogamy works for me and I'm sorry I can't" and he bailed. I'm still devastated months later.
@@tamtrac2926 He does now, we discovered it right after our breakup. We're in NC however so I don't know that he's doing anything with that information but I'm hopeful
My FA ex girlfriend invited me to a family dinner on New Year's eve, which was a clear indication of moving to the next stage for me. She left the next day. Paying some tribute, she also did spill lots of her insecurities that I had no clue existed. Very first actual relationships for both of us, we're 30. Now waiting for a miracle (colloquially called adequacy).
Thank you so much for this content, actually amazing. I've been a dismissive avoidant for as long as i can remember but upon reflection and watching these videos, I've actually realised I'm an FA. It makes so much more sense now why i feel trapped, self sabotage, unworthy of love, long for freedom. I broke up with my long term gf, broke her heart and now im only feeling the damage and pain 7 months after. I was constantly distracted with hobbies, friends, dates and solo travelling constantly on a high and never got a chance to process it until recently.
I left mine, she kept coming back and then deactivating until she finally rebounded after a month of Nc. They’ve been together for a few months and already gone on two vacations and spamming socials of how happy she is
vacations are distractions from real life, u can manipulate the environment, weather, people, foods. apart from that fake rebound, remember social media is fake as fk, ppl only show 'happy' moments, bet 99% got angry at that same person that day. the more people share/do the more they run from real life the less happy they are. also why narcissists cant stay still, they are empty and need validation 24/7 from stuff/people
Im hoping the same to my FA bf, who is detatched now for a misunderstanding , but reaching indirectly after knowing the truth, but wont chat, talk to me yet (for 6 months) . He needs Jesus so much , to b healed, feel loved, to know his true identity ,have Jesus as a good mom & dad. Im praying for him. 🙏❤️🩹
I appreciate the reminder that if during this period, both realise it can still work, and it is strong enough, then it will work out. The reminder to not fit a sqare peg into a round hole. To accept that we may or may not find pur way back to eachother and either is okay, and we will be okay regardless of if we find our way back to each other or not.
Thank you for this info - I totally want to hear more on FA's and break up strategies (in my case right now, to deal with a non-romantic end of relationship - my gym trainer of all things. Will check out the PDS module).
I’m FA, but I’m the one who got broken up with by my ex DA, so it was me who had to go NC. I’d love to see a video about how the person having to go NC, the dumpee if you will, experiences it. I’d also like to see an in-depth video about how to broach the subject of the challenges of the previous relationship & how to avoid those challenges going forward once back in communication with an ex. My ex DA & I have been back in contact now for two months and have seen each other twice, but we’ve not yet spoken about the relationship/break up apart from it briefly coming up in regards to plans made prior to the break up that had to be changed post break up. As per the how to connect with a DA video, i’ve been keeping things light and fluffy, but now it’s time to have that conversation… I am also curious if you recommend having the same conversation with an ex if you plan on just staying friends.
me too!!! But I thought working out was helping me to get over him. And now I find out I'm just numbing and I have more stages to go through. we'll get there....just take it day by day. I realize I have to go through this because I will never message him again.
I also think there's Stage 4: Leaving? Once the unhealed FA feels like the no contact is too long, we feel a sense that the connection is not worth it anymore and we tend to move on after all the rollercoaster emotions. Never to look back or be vulnerable in the future. The longer the no contact, the more "closed up" we become.
@@Zazzazzoo in my mind, it's the incompatibility. If I tried to reach out and I the respond I get is: The other person getting defensive. The other person not validating my experience and feelings. The other person gets frustrated with me and makes me think I'm not worth dealing with. The other person making me feel that I am too much to handle. The other person pushes their perspective and calling me out for being unempathetic. And many more.. These are probably the experience I went through with an abusive childhood and has been locked in my self defense mechanism. It's easier to run than face it unless the other person is understanding, considerate and doesn't make me feel that I am a problem if not I will never ever open up my inner world with them anymore. One time getting hurt is enough, I don't want to go through another hurtful experience, dismiss and invalidation from the other person and forcing me will just push me away even more. I will emotionally shut out forever even if the 'surface level' problem has been solved.
@@TamagoEgg this all might be true and I get where you're coming from but did you ever think that there is someone out there waiting for you to reach out? that that's the least you could do after putting them through sh**? because if you're honest, you know what you did but to the right person that's not important. the right person will understand you but they will not come to you after all you made them feel. they wanna see at least that you make an effort by reaching out and trying...trying to do better. there's such a person out there but you'll never know it unless you try and risk...
@@ZazzazzooTo be very honest speaking from an FA standpoint, yes I know there is someone out there waiting for me to reach out but I insist not to do it because I do not see the worth to it unless the other person reaches out verbally and is willing to work on this together. I am wired this way and forcing me to reach out will just continue to yield negative result, you cannot invalidate my experience and jump straight to fixing the problem in the present. The signs you gave in your reply that is a red flag to FA which is putting blame on the FA's action by saying "putting them through sh**". It all sounds logical/rationale but human connection is not totally rationale, we have to understand the irrational before proceeding to be rational. Relationship is a 2-way street, it's not a competition of who is right or wrong but who can be there to support one another. Most important point is, I can act rationally and I know how to act rationally but it comes with a condition/personal standard, which is having people in my life which values the same as I what value. Otherwise, I will not give my precious energy away to people that is not worth my time. All these are experiences as an FA. However, a true FA might just leave instantly without saying anything. But that still doesn't excuse our behavior of not learning different way of communication styles.
I am mainly secure with AP tendencies. I broke up with an FA after going round and round with him spending more time deactivating then actually in communication with me. I love him and believe him when he says he loves me but he isn’t doing the work on himself to be able to be in a relationship. I was super patient through all the cycles and we spoke about our challenging attachment type things often. He actually wanted me to move in with him the end of this year. He just has been in a funk the past couple months, I actually believe he is depressed. I hated to stop contact but it hurts so much when he just ignores me and deactivates at the drop of a hat then stays gone for weeks usually. 😢anyway I pray he gets the awareness and help he needs and would love to get back together after that but I just couldn’t wait around when he had zero evidence of that happening.
@@xmorales1978 I have actually “ended” it a couple times. Then he comes back and we start talking again 😩 last time we went 3 months without speaking. Then 3 weeks ago he called me and we talked for like 5 hrs then that was it. So now when he text me yesterday I haven’t replied. I’m exhausted and it just feels like a game that I don’t want to play. I don’t like to ignore anyone though so I’m trying to decide what to tell him. I guess I can let him know I won’t be answering anymore from him. He isn’t at a place he is working on himself so nothing will ever change. I am working to heal and be prepared for a real relationship
I broke no contact with my FA ex during I think the "numbing" stage. She seemed to be really withdrawn and I was a bit worried about her, so I sent a message hoping that she's ok. She blocked me.
I miss my ex. I can tell there are mixed feelings because we had some sh!tty outside factors that affected both her and me. It pushed the relationship a little too fast but hey, that's also life. I've made a ton of changes to rid myself of the stressful situation i was in. The breakup was sudden and very dramatic. It seemed she was forcing it and at times treated me as her ex which was very nasty to her. I love her and wish she'd meet up and let us rekindle that attraction and communicate better even with a counselor. Ive expressed im willing to work on it but in no contact as i'm learning she broke up with me so it's up to her to come back and rekindle. Especially since we can't tell if they are going to run or not when we reach out. If you are an FA and you broke up but realize the factors weren't that bad and your partner is truly good to you, then reach out and offer something such as counseling to help facilitate the communication issues. Don't keep running, you're only hurting yourself and potentially others more.
Definitely do not fancy being a test subject here, but I will try it out, starting yesterday. I'll write how things have turned out, in half a year. Someone reading, remind me with a reply, if I forget. The very first actual relationships in both our lives, we're 30. I'm secure with AP traits, she's FA. Ended abruptly one day after she invited me to her parents to have a family dinner at New Year's eve. Everything seemed perfect for me to that point, also nothing that I did wrong. It's all about her insecurities, which she admitted herself. Tried to reconnect out of anxiety of suddenly losing everything, not lots of times, but got pushed back further. Sent her favourite flowers yesterday with a note saying that I love her, and I let her go (which in my heart I truly cannot now, but I want her to feel free). And also with a few channels listed for her in a respectful way, including this one, so that if she's ready to work on herself - at least she knows where to start.
Could you make a video about Avoidant Personality Disorder vs avoidant attachment styles? I am having a hard time understandig which one applies to my ex. Thanks in advance!
how can we know what stages they are ? since they broke up and they diactivated and started the no contact we cant contact they are avoidant so they wont contact so how can you know they are gone for good or they are longing?
This is the worst breakup I’ve been through. She asked us to take a step back from talking. Almost a month and I’m just torn up inside. We don’t follow each other on ig anymore. She has a monkeybranch. I don’t know if she’ll ever want to see me again.
The worst break up you've been through...so far 😉 Less than a month; you gotta pump those numbers up. Those are rookie numbers. The first time is the worst. Every time feels as bad as the worst. But you get used to it. It's not for the weak hearted. The girl I am with; we've been on and off for over three years. I plan to make this woman my wife and even then she still blocked me. (We don't follow each other either, when see is dysregulated she sets her profile to private) a week ago because I told her I trust her. It's a process man. If she ain't the one move on while your time invested is still minimal. If you plan to marry her, you're in for a long and lonely road. It takes years to break through. I had to cut her off for a year and a half with no contact. It comes with the territory. You're on the right path learning about attachment styles and how to help her as well as learning how to become more secure yourself is the only way you are going to get through this. My advice, focus on yourself; seriously. Build healthy habits, learn about nutrition and working out. Become a competent man, learn skills career wise, and at home. Learn how to fix your plumbing, your water filtration, rewire switches, patch drywall, etc. Keep yourself busy, build a network of associates as well as friends. Become a well rounded individual, take self improvement to the extreme. You'll develop your own methods... methods you can teach, share, and walk her through. Now as to handle her...Be Patient. Learn meditation. Be kind, but stern. Be compassionate, but serious. Be true to your word... always. Always mean what you say, if you don't mean it don't say it. Communicate to her through your Instagram. Don't say her name, or tag her. But talk directly to her. Don't show off, but instead update her with what you're up to, what you're working on. Post screenshots of music you want her to listen to. After three to six months she'll unblock you. She will most likely be watching you the whole time. Make it known that you like it if she's there but it's obvious her presence isn't mandatory. She will view your profile at her leisure. She won't feel pressured to respond, or be vulnerable. It is up to you to lead by example, be vulnerable, give her your trust, if she's worth it she will appreciate it. Though she may not know how to show it. Expect to be the one putting in all of the effort 90% of the time. As the years go by that will even out, but if you're not willing to put in the work and have the strength to deal with the heartache. Now is the time you make that decision. These are years of your life you won't get back, and you may still end up with nothing. That is always a possibility. You have to be ready to walk away. Like I said at the beginning focus on yourself, improve yourself, improve your life and simply invite her into it. Whether the two of you end up together or not you still come out a better person because of it. If she is really interested in you, she sees how hard you're working on yourself, and to be with her every other guy will fail in comparison. It will be a no brainer. But even then stay true yourself, respect, loyalty, and integrity is everything. Keep in mind every new stage in your relationship will look like this, it will feel like this. It is up to you how you handle it. Each time you can think of it as a test, to see if you actually learned the lesson. In life you repeat the same lesson until you learn it. In this relationship you take one step only to get pushed back two. It will either make you or break you; sometimes both. Good luck 😎
Stay strong. Work on yourself. Actively try to let her go, even though it hurts and you don’t want to. Holding on hurts you and your chances at reconciliation. If that is what you want.
Can they miss you even when they suddenly catch feelings for someone else? What if the person he dumped is super happy and doesn't seem to miss him? He used to be more DA leaning FA, but I think it's the other way around now.
As much as definitely appreciate the benefits of no contact, the very specific focus on timing i have to confess i find very unsettling.. where does one's own intuition about things come in ? As much as being reactive out of a place of disregulation is not good, it seems to me that theres a danger of getting overly attached and focused on the idea that there is an ideal set of actions one can take after 6 weeks of no contact.. i think there is probably a common thread amongst folks drawn to this content that we miiiiight be inclined just a littttle bit to over focus on this idea that we could have a degree of control over outcomes if only we handled "contact" perfectly.. when of course in reality we just.. cant entirely control outcomes when there's more than ourselves involved. I say all of this as someone who really appreciates this
Space and content. Just hungry for more focus on the " leading with love" and getting in touch w our own intuition part.. i think depending on how much work/recovery/etc we have done with ourselves and self understanding, it can be very easy to get caught up in the project of imagining there is a perfectly scripted way to go about things .. i hope this makes sense 💖
These videos are amazing. I actually let my FA know I don't want to be contacted by saying "no contact from here would be best" before I knew that it was an actual thing. I miss them a lot but I feel that was for my own good. Does this mean I'll never hear from them again? I am still unsure if I would take them back as I've given them so many chances, and that makes me feel uneasy since I've healed so much since I went NC...but missing them does come in waves and I'm getting stronger.
if someone said that to me, they would never hear from me again. You've given them an excuse to deactivate completely and you're just playing them if you said that but didn't mean it. It's nothing short of cruel to do this to an FA. we do feel things intensely unlike a DA or narcissist, but if we know we are being hurt we can shut you out. If you expected them to chase you and beg for mercy, you thought wrong. I sincerely hope they are working on themselves and they find themselves a better partner. We can cure ourselves if we are with the right person.
When I’ve initiated no contact and my FA ex sends me a TH-cam video on Messenger (without comment, just the video link), should I break no-contact and respond, or should I wait for her to actually call or text me?
Successfully going No Contact takes self-discipline. In the beginning there will be an obsessive panicky need to JUST send ONE TEXT to the avoidant. A good way to resist this compulsion is to write your desperate message to the avoidant. BUT: write it on a Word document only. Don't send it; let it stay on your hard drive. This will give you the feeling of reaching out without actually doing so. In all matters of life, breaking or creating a habit takes around 21 days. The 'Word doc only' approach is a good way to gradually wean yourself off the compulsive need to reach out to your avoidant. Within a month or less the old habit will be replaced by a new one. In this case, it means you'll no longer feel the need to make contact. If you tell your avoidant ex (or avoidant-on-hold) that you will go silent as long as they feel the need for space; and if you told fast to that commitment, you will benefit. You'll learn that you're stronger than you had thought: That you're not a desperate, clingy, needy person. This will boost your self-confidence. When your avoidant realizes that you've kept your no contact commitment they will come to respect you more, and see you as much more desirable. Even if your relationship never gets reestablished, you'll still benefit from your greater self-confidence. Finally, successfully going No Contact is only workable for sober people. Those who over-drink will get into a weepy (or angry) mental state and will reach out to the avoidant. The drunk person will make a total ass of themself, which will confirm to the avoidant that they're a loser. No contact is only for the sober. Don't even attempt it if you're a drinker (or an Ambien abuser.)
has anyone else ever stayed in the relief stage for 3+ years? might have something to do with the fact that never had like, actual romantic feelings for the person...but hypothetically, shouldn't have stayed completely detached and numb for that long regardless of the nature of the relationship just scares me a little is all
I am an Anxious and my partner is Avoidant but what confuses me is that she got really triggered about some things and i started working on my self a month ago and she even acknowledged how immerse the change and how fast. She never broke up with me but she was distant and currently we live in different counties. The last conversation we had she went on full panic mode as soon she mention breaking up and i had to calm her down by making her do some breathing work. I suggested since she never really took some time for her self and clearly she don't wont to lose me by the way she acting to do some no contact since i was every other day trying to reach out. I though it would be good for her to relax and get some space and for her to finally be able to feel her feelings without fear. When i mentioned that she start panicking again what if but i want to know how you doing and how's your new job going etc. I took that again as a positive since all i read and heard is that if avoidant wants to break up they just do. I never saw any video mentioning something similar to my situation. Do you think no contact will be good in my case?
my FA gf falsely misunderstood that I betrayed her and shut down all connections , I did explain her,tried everything to proof her, gave her space 2 periods of 2-3 weeks intervals, she is still ghosting me after 2 months and I dont know what to do? we have just passed the power struggle and she was trusting me slowly suddenly a misunderstanding happened I had no other connections with any other female human being in last year but she just thinks Im a bad guy that is looking for girls :| I know it is childish for a 30 year old man but I really made sacrifices I learned how to give her security I built this relationship with my tears and blood I became more and more authentic so she can rely on me, and exactly on the edge of her healing process this madness happened,I really appreciate any help
I would love to be,but she broke up and gone away I have no access to her,unless I break lots of boundaries that doesnt seem helping the process,that is the reason Im stuck,from one side I know she needs our relationship and it is just a misunderstanding on the other hand she shut down and I have no access to make it up@@Lisa-hg5wg
FA can sense if you're genuinely doing things for her or for yourself. Once you're stable and grounded, have your own power back, FA will come back to you.
@@TamagoEgg ...think they can sense. They are not always right. Without being vulnerable and having that discussion, actual discussion, not just speaking, they will likely never really know. The assumptions and misreading my people who think they can read people is what gets us to these crappy situations I think.
The ability for an FA to forgive someone seems quite unlikely, unless they are aware they are an FA and working on themselves. I hurt an FA ex through a misunderstanding once too. It was out there for two hours, and then I retracted it knowing my error once they told me how they felt. I've apologized numerous times. Admitted wrong doing, no BUT in the apology, explained how I've learned and grown. But my FA ex still fears that mistake many months later. To this day, they text a long series of messages in anger (with no apparent trigger point), and then a week later, acts like nothing ever happened, even holds my hand. The hot and cold roller coaster of an FA is a painful ride. Good luck to you.
How long is a a typical/ good amount of time to let a FA ex to be able to think emotionally regulatedly... mine broke up with me but after a month is saying he wants to work on us, and willing to do ALL the work, says the sweeeetest things. then after some communication, he distances more.. like the NEXT day. i guess "deactivates?" Im thinking as an ANxious attachment partner, i should just, move on regardless... heal and ignore what he says because it hurts and confuses me, the push snd pull.
I’m currently in 9 weeks of NC . I feel as if my ex is a FA. She left out of no where and during NC has tried to do things on socials to get a rise out of me. How do I know when the right time to reach out is ?
Might depend on why you want to reach out. If you still want to be with them. Go for it. See if they can open up, be vulnerable, identify what didn't work. Good luck!
First off, I had my husband take the attachment style quiz, and he exhibits all the symptoms of being a dismissive avoidant predominantly, but he actually had equal amounts of fearful avoidant and secure attachment with some dismissive avoidant as well which confuses me-I’m not sure he answered the questions honestly, lol. Anyway, my question is my husband cheated on me after 20 years of marriage I found out that he was seeing her for nine months. We wound up going to therapy and getting back together, but I was just wondering if there are differences in patterns for this type when it comes to this sort of situation where the relationship wasn’t as long… Meaning are they able to completely shut something off and mean it or would he be thinking about her after a couple months? He’s a very hard person to read and doesn’t like conflict, so even though he said he’s over her, I wonder if he still thinks about her and worry if he’ll end up reaching out at some point. Just wondering if there were differences in different types of relationships?
I've been in a very similar situation (not a marriage but a 19 year relationship) answering from MY PERSONAL SITUATION, yes he was still thinking about her and off and on over the years was still reaching out/in communications with her. That doesn't mean it's the same for your relationship. I'm just sharing as someone who's been there. ❤️
@@daniellediaz2516 Thanks for sharing! Sorry that happened with you as well… Was he cheating for long? It’s freaking hard man. If I didn’t invest 20 yrs of my life into this; I wouldn’t have even thought about counseling..I’m doing this more for myself at this point 😊
Complete silence activates us(me-FA leanig DA),and by the day 35-40 I found I am the most likely to respond,if my ex texts me in a neutral manner,and start taking things slowly,as if nothing happened.
@@careitina1412 it’s confusing, I have heard that if you contact first the FA who did the breakup, no matter how many weeks have passed, they are likely to reject you, that’s why you should wait till they are ready and willing to contact you, otherwise you will interrupt their process. On the other hand they make indirect approach around the 1-3 months post breakup. By the way, what do you mean with “complete silence activate us”?
@@aamacphisto It depends on the case! I may break up for those reasons: 1) They hurt me very intensely to a point that seems irreversible for me,and usually that scenario repeted at least three times,I tried to give a hint about it,to breafly explain that it bothers me,if I feel unheard I think the person doesn t care about me(not careing= not loving),or it's doing it for purpose! Even worse! (Usually those tipping points are accompanied by other many little bothering things the person did,but I didn't communicate them because I would look week) 2) I did the break up,but my feelings were almost gone by the time I ended things,and indeed-nothing can change my mind. If it's first scenario,even if I do the break up,if I love intensly the person,and it's been at least 3 weeks and I see no message from them,they don t share a single post that reminds of our relationship,my anxious side starts missing badly the person,BUT-because I am FA leaning DA ,if I do the break up- than I manifest on surface silent and cold,I give NO signes that I want to return back(because I would feel very stupid- today I want the break up,and tomorrow it's me who wants you back,if you take me back,my words than won't mean much because I don't stick to them). My girlfriend who is FA leaning AP is experimenting the same turmoil as me,but she manifests as AP- she would also contact her ex if she still loves him,even she did the break up,and she has been very intensly hurt.By the week 3 she starts also missing him too much. So me as FA leaning DA,if I still have feelings for you,I did the break up,but in 3 weeks I hear nothing from you,I PRAY that you text me at least anything.Again- I will still pretend I am upset,but I will be willing to communicate,and be incredible happy that you broke the ice. My FA leanig AP friend,she also terribly misses her ex,he also called several times during the week,it's been 3 weeks,she was almost ready to answer,but he is a malignant narcissist,so she realises that a future with him is impossible.STILL,she told me if he sent her a little sweet vulnerable messege of regret,she would definetly answer. So: - at least 3 weeks of stone silence from you - followed by a short message ,if we don't answer,try a vulnerable one.If we have feelings,we will melt and come back.
@@careitina1412 What should I do if I want to talk to him about it, if I decide to write after all? I want to say it without accusations, tactfully, gently: ‘I don’t blame you. It’s not your fault. You are who you are. But let’s discuss a few things so I can understand you better. What caused your withdrawal? What triggered it? I can’t find a balance: 1. I show love to you - you withdraw, fearing intimacy. I don’t show - you withdraw, thinking I don’t love. 2. I wrote after a silent period too early - you withdrew because it was too close. Wrote too late - you withdrew, thinking you’re not needed. 3. We started talking after a silent period. Now I’ll bring up the topic of your avoidance, and it’s hard for me - you’ll withdraw because it triggers guilt. And if I don’t bring it up - you’ll withdraw, thinking it doesn’t bother me much, so I don’t love you.’ How do I ask him all these questions? Is it worth it? It’s just a disaster!!!
@@MsWithoutNick Your question for me is what shohld you do: It depends on your age and willingness to put up with this attitude.And I can say about myself(FA leaning DA)- I started reprogramming,and it takes waaaaay longer than 21 days 😄It might be at least 4 years. If you tried to talk to him that many times and he withdraws,sorry,but that is going to repeat endlessly. 1) Start working daily on your AT to never attract this people again. 2) Announce him that you set a deadline for this pattern,and if he doesn't get into therapy you woun't count on him anymore.(it doesn't have to be a break up text necessarily). 3) Start actually multiple dating-announcing people in advance you are just after a break up and are not exclusive yet.Become active on your social media. Those 3 are the exact same things I did with my ex DA.He would breadcrumb me for months,than dissapear for a month entirely,come back whenever he wanted,I would find out he had been with another women meanwhile. Enough for that crap.When I attracted multiple people,my mode changed from -2 constantly to 10+ .
I always hear and see in videos that the "creature comforts" of the FA are playing video games, watching movies, eating a lot... but in the videos they never say "going out with other people and kissing them or having sex with them" why? I understand they do it a lot mainly to numb their thoughts and pain.
Sometimes I go through a few sexual partners. Sometimes I find a rebound, sometimes I just shut off and don't want anyone touching me. Mainly the 3rd one since I've started healing first 2 before then.
I noticed another content creator basically remade this video but didn't give you any credit. The creator is Healing With Charlie, and the video is entitled "What fearful avoidants feel during no contact!"
Screw all Fearful Avoidant people! Get help or age alone! You don't do anyone any favors jumping from relationship to relationship! Sick evil people that know they are FA and don't seek help! Especially when there are people that love you and you still play them!
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Let us know if you found this video informative and share you experience below ❤
How long is the numbing stage ?
As an FA, If I really love you but feel it isn’t working for me, no contact is super painful and I can miss you for a very, very long time.
By the time I have gone no contact the pain has gotten so intolerable and I feel that options have been exhausted. I will tell you not to reach out not because I am unhappy with you, but because I believe it’s for the best and I need you to help me let go as I am so prone to coming back and starting the cycle over again.
I’m sorry, I do love you, I just haven’t found any other way.
Exactly. Same sentiments here. 😢
It breaks my heart if my SO is hurt too for telling them I can't stay as friends with them if I ask them for no contact . It's soo hard to let go because I still have strong feelings for them but the thing is it didn't work out no matter what or I am just being triggered every single time. If they are exhausted, I'm truly sorry for acting and feeling this way but I'm tired with myself as well. My emotions are too much to handle. 😢 It's better to move on with our own separate lives than keep on hurting their heart over and over again. It's a way that I do care and love them.
I'm on my phase of my life right now to heal my inner wounds caused from consecutive trauma and from childhood.
In behalf of those people loving an FA, we are deeply sorry for shattering you. We have to work on ourselves first because no one can change or help us but ourselves.
@@freespirit12and @RubberJunk1 did you tell your significant other this or just try and pretend that no contact was the best thing and no other explanation was offered? As an AP on the receiving end, the no contact has actually helped me to see things differently as well so I would have loved the chance to actually talk about things rather than being blanked, even if you do perceive it as being for my own good.
@@AG-bx1cc I did tell them though. In fact, I wrote letters and long messages to explain my side about everything. My recent past person was an AP too but the thing is he didn't tell me honestly how he truly feel. I am not a mind reader ( I called him out once for this too) so I just observe his non verbal expressions and behaviors towards me. We had an on and off cycle for 3 times until I decided to leave as I sense it's beyond saving when he won't openly communicate.
@@freespirit12 that's so sad. I'd love to be able to communicate with my FA ex but her walls are up completely.
@@AG-bx1cc just give her enough time and space who knows after a month or 2, she will unblock you to any platform waiting for your message if in case she still wants to reconcile with you.
I don't know if all FAs think the same but I don't usually text my past person first if we are from a no contact agreement.
Good luck and I pray you will get her back.
My FA broke up with me 3 weeks ago. Out of the blue. We were not having any issues or problems. The night before he said how much he loved me and how I was his person. He said he’s never been in a relationship like this and never knew anyone could love him this way. He said “thank you for keeping me with all my flaws”. My heart only beats for you and I want you in my life forever.
The next day - our anniversary he said
I can’t do this anymore
I can’t give you what you need
I’ve had an affinity for women while we were dating
I don’t believe in monogamy
Just let me go. Set me free.
I don’t even know how to process this? I’ve reached out many times and he’s not responding. I’m devastated. How do you swing from one extreme to another? And before anyone says “move on. Run”. I’m not a robot. I still love him and this doesn’t make sense 😢
He’s FA and I was secure when we met and overtime his hot and cold ways broken me down and made me more anxious.
I was in a similar situation. My FA and I entered into a "open/non-exclusive" relationship agreed upon initially by both parties, he said he felt like he was willing to close up and commit to me, promised me a whole life and the world, that he wasn't going anywhere and I was special to him. When I then asked for us to close up and commit and be exclusive, he said "only non-monogamy works for me and I'm sorry I can't" and he bailed. I'm still devastated months later.
Does he know he’s an FA?
@@tamtrac2926 He does now, we discovered it right after our breakup. We're in NC however so I don't know that he's doing anything with that information but I'm hopeful
Any updates?
My FA ex girlfriend invited me to a family dinner on New Year's eve, which was a clear indication of moving to the next stage for me. She left the next day. Paying some tribute, she also did spill lots of her insecurities that I had no clue existed. Very first actual relationships for both of us, we're 30. Now waiting for a miracle (colloquially called adequacy).
I love how you explained the inner world of FAs during new contact and the feelings they go through!
Thank you San!
Thank you so much for this content, actually amazing. I've been a dismissive avoidant for as long as i can remember but upon reflection and watching these videos, I've actually realised I'm an FA. It makes so much more sense now why i feel trapped, self sabotage, unworthy of love, long for freedom. I broke up with my long term gf, broke her heart and now im only feeling the damage and pain 7 months after. I was constantly distracted with hobbies, friends, dates and solo travelling constantly on a high and never got a chance to process it until recently.
add work to that for most FA's lol
I left mine, she kept coming back and then deactivating until she finally rebounded after a month of Nc. They’ve been together for a few months and already gone on two vacations and spamming socials of how happy she is
vacations are distractions from real life, u can manipulate the environment, weather, people, foods. apart from that fake rebound, remember social media is fake as fk, ppl only show 'happy' moments, bet 99% got angry at that same person that day. the more people share/do the more they run from real life the less happy they are. also why narcissists cant stay still, they are empty and need validation 24/7 from stuff/people
Any update?
Numb with Jesus…. He will never leave you ever.!!! he will comfort you give him your heart watch what happens one day at a time
Im hoping the same to my FA bf, who is detatched now for a misunderstanding , but reaching indirectly after knowing the truth, but wont chat, talk to me yet (for 6 months) . He needs Jesus so much , to b healed, feel loved, to know his true identity ,have Jesus as a good mom & dad. Im praying for him. 🙏❤️🩹
Think about what you're saying.
I am a FA and I appreciate your explanation. Clear and concise. ❤
Thank you!
This was really helpful to me, and I realize the mistakes I made here. I should have watched this earlier. Thank you. 🙏
Perfect timing.
❤
I appreciate the reminder that if during this period, both realise it can still work, and it is strong enough, then it will work out. The reminder to not fit a sqare peg into a round hole. To accept that we may or may not find pur way back to eachother and either is okay, and we will be okay regardless of if we find our way back to each other or not.
Thank you for this info - I totally want to hear more on FA's and break up strategies (in my case right now, to deal with a non-romantic end of relationship - my gym trainer of all things. Will check out the PDS module).
❤
I’m FA, but I’m the one who got broken up with by my ex DA, so it was me who had to go NC. I’d love to see a video about how the person having to go NC, the dumpee if you will, experiences it. I’d also like to see an in-depth video about how to broach the subject of the challenges of the previous relationship & how to avoid those challenges going forward once back in communication with an ex.
My ex DA & I have been back in contact now for two months and have seen each other twice, but we’ve not yet spoken about the relationship/break up apart from it briefly coming up in regards to plans made prior to the break up that had to be changed post break up. As per the how to connect with a DA video, i’ve been keeping things light and fluffy, but now it’s time to have that conversation… I am also curious if you recommend having the same conversation with an ex if you plan on just staying friends.
Here was I thinking I found a new "Healthy" way to numb, excessive exercise. Today I hear Thais is on to me. 🏃🏃
me too!!! But I thought working out was helping me to get over him. And now I find out I'm just numbing and I have more stages to go through.
we'll get there....just take it day by day. I realize I have to go through this because I will never message him again.
@@rosestewart1606
I also think there's Stage 4: Leaving?
Once the unhealed FA feels like the no contact is too long, we feel a sense that the connection is not worth it anymore and we tend to move on after all the rollercoaster emotions. Never to look back or be vulnerable in the future. The longer the no contact, the more "closed up" we become.
I agree with this 💯
what keeps you from reaching out?
@@Zazzazzoo in my mind, it's the incompatibility. If I tried to reach out and I the respond I get is:
The other person getting defensive.
The other person not validating my experience and feelings.
The other person gets frustrated with me and makes me think I'm not worth dealing with.
The other person making me feel that I am too much to handle.
The other person pushes their perspective and calling me out for being unempathetic.
And many more..
These are probably the experience I went through with an abusive childhood and has been locked in my self defense mechanism. It's easier to run than face it unless the other person is understanding, considerate and doesn't make me feel that I am a problem if not I will never ever open up my inner world with them anymore.
One time getting hurt is enough, I don't want to go through another hurtful experience, dismiss and invalidation from the other person and forcing me will just push me away even more. I will emotionally shut out forever even if the 'surface level' problem has been solved.
@@TamagoEgg this all might be true and I get where you're coming from but did you ever think that there is someone out there waiting for you to reach out? that that's the least you could do after putting them through sh**? because if you're honest, you know what you did but to the right person that's not important. the right person will understand you but they will not come to you after all you made them feel. they wanna see at least that you make an effort by reaching out and trying...trying to do better. there's such a person out there but you'll never know it unless you try and risk...
@@ZazzazzooTo be very honest speaking from an FA standpoint, yes I know there is someone out there waiting for me to reach out but I insist not to do it because I do not see the worth to it unless the other person reaches out verbally and is willing to work on this together. I am wired this way and forcing me to reach out will just continue to yield negative result, you cannot invalidate my experience and jump straight to fixing the problem in the present.
The signs you gave in your reply that is a red flag to FA which is putting blame on the FA's action by saying "putting them through sh**". It all sounds logical/rationale but human connection is not totally rationale, we have to understand the irrational before proceeding to be rational. Relationship is a 2-way street, it's not a competition of who is right or wrong but who can be there to support one another.
Most important point is, I can act rationally and I know how to act rationally but it comes with a condition/personal standard, which is having people in my life which values the same as I what value. Otherwise, I will not give my precious energy away to people that is not worth my time.
All these are experiences as an FA. However, a true FA might just leave instantly without saying anything. But that still doesn't excuse our behavior of not learning different way of communication styles.
I am mainly secure with AP tendencies. I broke up with an FA after going round and round with him spending more time deactivating then actually in communication with me. I love him and believe him when he says he loves me but he isn’t doing the work on himself to be able to be in a relationship. I was super patient through all the cycles and we spoke about our challenging attachment type things often. He actually wanted me to move in with him the end of this year. He just has been in a funk the past couple months, I actually believe he is depressed. I hated to stop contact but it hurts so much when he just ignores me and deactivates at the drop of a hat then stays gone for weeks usually. 😢anyway I pray he gets the awareness and help he needs and would love to get back together after that but I just couldn’t wait around when he had zero evidence of that happening.
I was in the same boat and dropped my FA.
@@xmorales1978 I have actually “ended” it a couple times. Then he comes back and we start talking again 😩 last time we went 3 months without speaking. Then 3 weeks ago he called me and we talked for like 5 hrs then that was it. So now when he text me yesterday I haven’t replied. I’m exhausted and it just feels like a game that I don’t want to play. I don’t like to ignore anyone though so I’m trying to decide what to tell him. I guess I can let him know I won’t be answering anymore from him. He isn’t at a place he is working on himself so nothing will ever change. I am working to heal and be prepared for a real relationship
Literally in that exact same situation except with a friend. We aren’t moving in together but everything else aligns perfectly. Sending blessings!
I broke no contact with my FA ex during I think the "numbing" stage. She seemed to be really withdrawn and I was a bit worried about her, so I sent a message hoping that she's ok. She blocked me.
I miss my ex. I can tell there are mixed feelings because we had some sh!tty outside factors that affected both her and me. It pushed the relationship a little too fast but hey, that's also life. I've made a ton of changes to rid myself of the stressful situation i was in.
The breakup was sudden and very dramatic. It seemed she was forcing it and at times treated me as her ex which was very nasty to her. I love her and wish she'd meet up and let us rekindle that attraction and communicate better even with a counselor.
Ive expressed im willing to work on it but in no contact as i'm learning she broke up with me so it's up to her to come back and rekindle. Especially since we can't tell if they are going to run or not when we reach out.
If you are an FA and you broke up but realize the factors weren't that bad and your partner is truly good to you, then reach out and offer something such as counseling to help facilitate the communication issues. Don't keep running, you're only hurting yourself and potentially others more.
After how long FA actually reach out their ex partners to continue with the relationship?
You didn’t say the time frame of the stages. How long in between the three? Thank your
Can you please do a video on the difference between Fearful avoidant and Dismissive avoidant? I feel like they are very similar. Thx!😊
Hey Jenny! There is a video called the differences between FA and DA.
th-cam.com/video/zjlromHj7lU/w-d-xo.htmlsi=wtbUWAM2I3ScUyhc
Definitely do not fancy being a test subject here, but I will try it out, starting yesterday. I'll write how things have turned out, in half a year. Someone reading, remind me with a reply, if I forget.
The very first actual relationships in both our lives, we're 30. I'm secure with AP traits, she's FA. Ended abruptly one day after she invited me to her parents to have a family dinner at New Year's eve. Everything seemed perfect for me to that point, also nothing that I did wrong. It's all about her insecurities, which she admitted herself.
Tried to reconnect out of anxiety of suddenly losing everything, not lots of times, but got pushed back further.
Sent her favourite flowers yesterday with a note saying that I love her, and I let her go (which in my heart I truly cannot now, but I want her to feel free). And also with a few channels listed for her in a respectful way, including this one, so that if she's ready to work on herself - at least she knows where to start.
Could you make a video about Avoidant Personality Disorder vs avoidant attachment styles? I am having a hard time understandig which one applies to my ex. Thanks in advance!
Do you have any videos about how these styles are affected by mental illness?
how can we know what stages they are ? since they broke up and they diactivated and started the no contact we cant contact they are avoidant so they wont contact so how can you know they are gone for good or they are longing?
As a comparison, I would like to see a video on how securely attached person handles no contact.
That's in today's video :)
th-cam.com/video/i_W7Ja4irkA/w-d-xo.html
This is the worst breakup I’ve been through. She asked us to take a step back from talking. Almost a month and I’m just torn up inside. We don’t follow each other on ig anymore. She has a monkeybranch. I don’t know if she’ll ever want to see me again.
The worst break up you've been through...so far 😉
Less than a month; you gotta pump those numbers up. Those are rookie numbers.
The first time is the worst. Every time feels as bad as the worst. But you get used to it. It's not for the weak hearted.
The girl I am with; we've been on and off for over three years.
I plan to make this woman my wife and even then she still blocked me. (We don't follow each other either, when see is dysregulated she sets her profile to private) a week ago because I told her I trust her. It's a process man. If she ain't the one move on while your time invested is still minimal.
If you plan to marry her, you're in for a long and lonely road. It takes years to break through. I had to cut her off for a year and a half with no contact.
It comes with the territory. You're on the right path learning about attachment styles and how to help her as well as learning how to become more secure yourself is the only way you are going to get through this.
My advice, focus on yourself; seriously. Build healthy habits, learn about nutrition and working out. Become a competent man, learn skills career wise, and at home. Learn how to fix your plumbing, your water filtration, rewire switches, patch drywall, etc. Keep yourself busy, build a network of associates as well as friends.
Become a well rounded individual, take self improvement to the extreme. You'll develop your own methods... methods you can teach, share, and walk her through.
Now as to handle her...Be Patient. Learn meditation.
Be kind, but stern. Be compassionate, but serious. Be true to your word... always. Always mean what you say, if you don't mean it don't say it.
Communicate to her through your Instagram. Don't say her name, or tag her. But talk directly to her. Don't show off, but instead update her with what you're up to, what you're working on. Post screenshots of music you want her to listen to. After three to six months she'll unblock you. She will most likely be watching you the whole time.
Make it known that you like it if she's there but it's obvious her presence isn't mandatory. She will view your profile at her leisure. She won't feel pressured to respond, or be vulnerable.
It is up to you to lead by example, be vulnerable, give her your trust, if she's worth it she will appreciate it. Though she may not know how to show it.
Expect to be the one putting in all of the effort 90% of the time. As the years go by that will even out, but if you're not willing to put in the work and have the strength to deal with the heartache. Now is the time you make that decision. These are years of your life you won't get back, and you may still end up with nothing. That is always a possibility.
You have to be ready to walk away.
Like I said at the beginning focus on yourself, improve yourself, improve your life and simply invite her into it. Whether the two of you end up together or not you still come out a better person because of it.
If she is really interested in you, she sees how hard you're working on yourself, and to be with her every other guy will fail in comparison. It will be a no brainer. But even then stay true yourself, respect, loyalty, and integrity is everything.
Keep in mind every new stage in your relationship will look like this, it will feel like this. It is up to you how you handle it. Each time you can think of it as a test, to see if you actually learned the lesson.
In life you repeat the same lesson until you learn it. In this relationship you take one step only to get pushed back two. It will either make you or break you; sometimes both. Good luck 😎
Fear not, that “Relationship” will fail as well. She will see the grass wasn’t greener
Keep your head up, bro. Stick to hobbies and the gym. She will find out about your glow up and try to come back. By that time, you won't care anymore.
Stay strong. Work on yourself. Actively try to let her go, even though it hurts and you don’t want to. Holding on hurts you and your chances at reconciliation. If that is what you want.
Update?
Did you already do similar videos for the AA, DA, and secure attachment styles?
It's 2 months, im over it. AP
Can they miss you even when they suddenly catch feelings for someone else? What if the person he dumped is super happy and doesn't seem to miss him? He used to be more DA leaning FA, but I think it's the other way around now.
How long do the later phases usually last?
My FA ex broke no contact a month and a half after the breakup just to pick fights with me over trivial things
As much as definitely appreciate the benefits of no contact, the very specific focus on timing i have to confess i find very unsettling.. where does one's own intuition about things come in ? As much as being reactive out of a place of disregulation is not good, it seems to me that theres a danger of getting overly attached and focused on the idea that there is an ideal set of actions one can take after 6 weeks of no contact.. i think there is probably a common thread amongst folks drawn to this content that we miiiiight be inclined just a littttle bit to over focus on this idea that we could have a degree of control over outcomes if only we handled "contact" perfectly.. when of course in reality we just.. cant entirely control outcomes when there's more than ourselves involved. I say all of this as someone who really appreciates this
Space and content. Just hungry for more focus on the " leading with love" and getting in touch w our own intuition part.. i think depending on how much work/recovery/etc we have done with ourselves and self understanding, it can be very easy to get caught up in the project of imagining there is a perfectly scripted way to go about things .. i hope this makes sense 💖
So how long after a no contact break up is an FA in the longing stage (how long does the numbing last?)
6-8 weeks
took me 7 months of deactivation to get blasted back into longing
I’ll be searching your channel for videos on how to get comfortable being single. Anyone got any good ones for me?
These videos are amazing. I actually let my FA know I don't want to be contacted by saying "no contact from here would be best" before I knew that it was an actual thing. I miss them a lot but I feel that was for my own good. Does this mean I'll never hear from them again? I am still unsure if I would take them back as I've given them so many chances, and that makes me feel uneasy since I've healed so much since I went NC...but missing them does come in waves and I'm getting stronger.
if someone said that to me, they would never hear from me again. You've given them an excuse to deactivate completely and you're just playing them if you said that but didn't mean it. It's nothing short of cruel to do this to an FA. we do feel things intensely unlike a DA or narcissist, but if we know we are being hurt we can shut you out. If you expected them to chase you and beg for mercy, you thought wrong.
I sincerely hope they are working on themselves and they find themselves a better partner. We can cure ourselves if we are with the right person.
When I’ve initiated no contact and my FA ex sends me a TH-cam video on Messenger (without comment, just the video link), should I break no-contact and respond, or should I wait for her to actually call or text me?
It seems like BPDs are usually fearful avoidant. Do these stages and theories apply to BPDs as well?
Somewhat. Similar to a da being a narcissist.
th-cam.com/video/78JD37xydfk/w-d-xo.html
Can we have an anxious attachment style during a break up? I just want to know if I am normal 😂😂😂😂😂
Successfully going No Contact takes self-discipline. In the beginning there will be an obsessive panicky need to JUST send ONE TEXT to the avoidant. A good way to resist this compulsion is to write your desperate message to the avoidant. BUT: write it on a Word document only. Don't send it; let it stay on your hard drive. This will give you the feeling of reaching out without actually doing so.
In all matters of life, breaking or creating a habit takes around 21 days. The 'Word doc only' approach is a good way to gradually wean yourself off the compulsive need to reach out to your avoidant. Within a month or less the old habit will be replaced by a new one. In this case, it means you'll no longer feel the need to make contact.
If you tell your avoidant ex (or avoidant-on-hold) that you will go silent as long as they feel the need for space; and if you told fast to that commitment, you will benefit. You'll learn that you're stronger than you had thought: That you're not a desperate, clingy, needy person. This will boost your self-confidence. When your avoidant realizes that you've kept your no contact commitment they will come to respect you more, and see you as much more desirable. Even if your relationship never gets reestablished, you'll still benefit from your greater self-confidence.
Finally, successfully going No Contact is only workable for sober people. Those who over-drink will get into a weepy (or angry) mental state and will reach out to the avoidant. The drunk person will make a total ass of themself, which will confirm to the avoidant that they're a loser. No contact is only for the sober. Don't even attempt it if you're a drinker (or an Ambien abuser.)
What if they reach out before the 4-6 weeks indirectly? Should you respond?
has anyone else ever stayed in the relief stage for 3+ years?
might have something to do with the fact that never had like, actual romantic feelings for the person...but hypothetically, shouldn't have stayed completely detached and numb for that long regardless of the nature of the relationship
just scares me a little is all
I am an Anxious and my partner is Avoidant but what confuses me is that she got really triggered about some things and i started working on my self a month ago and she even acknowledged how immerse the change and how fast. She never broke up with me but she was distant and currently we live in different counties. The last conversation we had she went on full panic mode as soon she mention breaking up and i had to calm her down by making her do some breathing work. I suggested since she never really took some time for her self and clearly she don't wont to lose me by the way she acting to do some no contact since i was every other day trying to reach out. I though it would be good for her to relax and get some space and for her to finally be able to feel her feelings without fear. When i mentioned that she start panicking again what if but i want to know how you doing and how's your new job going etc. I took that again as a positive since all i read and heard is that if avoidant wants to break up they just do. I never saw any video mentioning something similar to my situation. Do you think no contact will be good in my case?
How do you know they hit stage 3?
my FA gf falsely misunderstood that I betrayed her and shut down all connections , I did explain her,tried everything to proof her, gave her space 2 periods of 2-3 weeks intervals, she is still ghosting me after 2 months and I dont know what to do? we have just passed the power struggle and she was trusting me slowly suddenly a misunderstanding happened I had no other connections with any other female human being in last year but she just thinks Im a bad guy that is looking for girls :| I know it is childish for a 30 year old man but I really made sacrifices I learned how to give her security I built this relationship with my tears and blood I became more and more authentic so she can rely on me, and exactly on the edge of her healing process this madness happened,I really appreciate any help
heja. as far as i know healing takes time and is not linear. have patience and faith and stay gentle with yourself and her
I would love to be,but she broke up and gone away I have no access to her,unless I break lots of boundaries that doesnt seem helping the process,that is the reason Im stuck,from one side I know she needs our relationship and it is just a misunderstanding on the other hand she shut down and I have no access to make it up@@Lisa-hg5wg
FA can sense if you're genuinely doing things for her or for yourself. Once you're stable and grounded, have your own power back, FA will come back to you.
@@TamagoEgg ...think they can sense. They are not always right. Without being vulnerable and having that discussion, actual discussion, not just speaking, they will likely never really know. The assumptions and misreading my people who think they can read people is what gets us to these crappy situations I think.
The ability for an FA to forgive someone seems quite unlikely, unless they are aware they are an FA and working on themselves. I hurt an FA ex through a misunderstanding once too. It was out there for two hours, and then I retracted it knowing my error once they told me how they felt. I've apologized numerous times. Admitted wrong doing, no BUT in the apology, explained how I've learned and grown. But my FA ex still fears that mistake many months later. To this day, they text a long series of messages in anger (with no apparent trigger point), and then a week later, acts like nothing ever happened, even holds my hand. The hot and cold roller coaster of an FA is a painful ride. Good luck to you.
How long is a a typical/ good amount of time to let a FA ex to be able to think emotionally regulatedly... mine broke up with me but after a month is saying he wants to work on us, and willing to do ALL the work, says the sweeeetest things. then after some communication, he distances more.. like the NEXT day. i guess "deactivates?" Im thinking as an ANxious attachment partner, i should just, move on regardless... heal and ignore what he says because it hurts and confuses me, the push snd pull.
I’m currently in 9 weeks of NC . I feel as if my ex is a FA. She left out of no where and during NC has tried to do things on socials to get a rise out of me. How do I know when the right time to reach out is ?
never.. leave them..
Might depend on why you want to reach out. If you still want to be with them. Go for it. See if they can open up, be vulnerable, identify what didn't work. Good luck!
I messaged her just asking how she was, nothing needy or so. Got no response
What's a situationship?
an undefined romantic relationship that exists somewhere in between a casual hookup and a committed relationship
First off, I had my husband take the attachment style quiz, and he exhibits all the symptoms of being a dismissive avoidant predominantly, but he actually had equal amounts of fearful avoidant and secure attachment with some dismissive avoidant as well which confuses me-I’m not sure he answered the questions honestly, lol. Anyway, my question is my husband cheated on me after 20 years of marriage I found out that he was seeing her for nine months. We wound up going to therapy and getting back together, but I was just wondering if there
are differences in patterns for this type when it comes to this sort of situation where the relationship wasn’t as long… Meaning are they able to completely shut something off and mean it or would he be thinking about her after a couple months? He’s a very hard person to read and doesn’t like conflict, so even though he said he’s over her, I wonder if he still thinks about her and worry if he’ll end up reaching out at some point. Just wondering if there were differences in different types of relationships?
I've been in a very similar situation (not a marriage but a 19 year relationship) answering from MY PERSONAL SITUATION, yes he was still thinking about her and off and on over the years was still reaching out/in communications with her. That doesn't mean it's the same for your relationship. I'm just sharing as someone who's been there. ❤️
@@daniellediaz2516 Thanks for sharing! Sorry that happened with you as well… Was he cheating for long? It’s freaking hard man. If I didn’t invest 20 yrs of my life into this; I wouldn’t have even thought about counseling..I’m doing this more for myself at this point 😊
What activities FA do during NC?
Complete silence activates us(me-FA leanig DA),and by the day 35-40 I found I am the most likely to respond,if my ex texts me in a neutral manner,and start taking things slowly,as if nothing happened.
@@careitina1412 it’s confusing, I have heard that if you contact first the FA who did the breakup, no matter how many weeks have passed, they are likely to reject you, that’s why you should wait till they are ready and willing to contact you, otherwise you will interrupt their process. On the other hand they make indirect approach around the 1-3 months post breakup. By the way, what do you mean with “complete silence activate us”?
@@aamacphisto It depends on the case! I may break up for those reasons:
1) They hurt me very intensely to a point that seems irreversible for me,and usually that scenario repeted at least three times,I tried to give a hint about it,to breafly explain that it bothers me,if I feel unheard I think the person doesn t care about me(not careing= not loving),or it's doing it for purpose! Even worse! (Usually those tipping points are accompanied by other many little bothering things the person did,but I didn't communicate them because I would look week)
2) I did the break up,but my feelings were almost gone by the time I ended things,and indeed-nothing can change my mind.
If it's first scenario,even if I do the break up,if I love intensly the person,and it's been at least 3 weeks and I see no message from them,they don t share a single post that reminds of our relationship,my anxious side starts missing badly the person,BUT-because I am FA leaning DA ,if I do the break up- than I manifest on surface silent and cold,I give NO signes that I want to return back(because I would feel very stupid- today I want the break up,and tomorrow it's me who wants you back,if you take me back,my words than won't mean much because I don't stick to them).
My girlfriend who is FA leaning AP is experimenting the same turmoil as me,but she manifests as AP- she would also contact her ex if she still loves him,even she did the break up,and she has been very intensly hurt.By the week 3 she starts also missing him too much.
So me as FA leaning DA,if I still have feelings for you,I did the break up,but in 3 weeks I hear nothing from you,I PRAY that you text me at least anything.Again- I will still pretend I am upset,but I will be willing to communicate,and be incredible happy that you broke the ice.
My FA leanig AP friend,she also terribly misses her ex,he also called several times during the week,it's been 3 weeks,she was almost ready to answer,but he is a malignant narcissist,so she realises that a future with him is impossible.STILL,she told me if he sent her a little sweet vulnerable messege of regret,she would definetly answer.
So:
- at least 3 weeks of stone silence from you
- followed by a short message ,if we don't answer,try a vulnerable one.If we have feelings,we will melt and come back.
@@careitina1412 What should I do if I want to talk to him about it, if I decide to write after all? I want to say it without accusations, tactfully, gently: ‘I don’t blame you. It’s not your fault. You are who you are. But let’s discuss a few things so I can understand you better. What caused your withdrawal? What triggered it? I can’t find a balance: 1. I show love to you - you withdraw, fearing intimacy. I don’t show - you withdraw, thinking I don’t love. 2. I wrote after a silent period too early - you withdrew because it was too close. Wrote too late - you withdrew, thinking you’re not needed. 3. We started talking after a silent period. Now I’ll bring up the topic of your avoidance, and it’s hard for me - you’ll withdraw because it triggers guilt. And if I don’t bring it up - you’ll withdraw, thinking it doesn’t bother me much, so I don’t love you.’ How do I ask him all these questions? Is it worth it? It’s just a disaster!!!
@@MsWithoutNick Your question for me is what shohld you do:
It depends on your age and willingness to put up with this attitude.And I can say about myself(FA leaning DA)- I started reprogramming,and it takes waaaaay longer than 21 days 😄It might be at least 4 years.
If you tried to talk to him that many times and he withdraws,sorry,but that is going to repeat endlessly.
1) Start working daily on your AT to never attract this people again.
2) Announce him that you set a deadline for this pattern,and if he doesn't get into therapy you woun't count on him anymore.(it doesn't have to be a break up text necessarily).
3) Start actually multiple dating-announcing people in advance you are just after a break up and are not exclusive yet.Become active on your social media.
Those 3 are the exact same things I did with my ex DA.He would breadcrumb me for months,than dissapear for a month entirely,come back whenever he wanted,I would find out he had been with another women meanwhile.
Enough for that crap.When I attracted multiple people,my mode changed from -2 constantly to 10+ .
I always hear and see in videos that the "creature comforts" of the FA are playing video games, watching movies, eating a lot... but in the videos they never say "going out with other people and kissing them or having sex with them" why? I understand they do it a lot mainly to numb their thoughts and pain.
How is the sex of the FA during the breakup?
Do they have many sexual partners?
Sometimes I go through a few sexual partners. Sometimes I find a rebound, sometimes I just shut off and don't want anyone touching me. Mainly the 3rd one since I've started healing first 2 before then.
I’ve never had other sexual partners during no contact as an FA but will go on dates.
Why are you worried about their actions after the break up?
because they usually avoid they dont dont finish things ,so the partner of them cant just push the button and dont care all of a sudden@@lhmccool67
im FA and feel way too loyal to my ex still to engage in sex with others xD which.. isn't good for me
I noticed another content creator basically remade this video but didn't give you any credit. The creator is Healing With Charlie, and the video is entitled "What fearful avoidants feel during no contact!"
I'm not forgiving her if she sleeps around because of her mental issues it's no excuse, avoidants are just as bad as narcissist 😡
Screw all Fearful Avoidant people! Get help or age alone! You don't do anyone any favors jumping from relationship to relationship! Sick evil people that know they are FA and don't seek help! Especially when there are people that love you and you still play them!
Slow down!!! Tallk too fast good content thou
What about hybrid no contact? When they hit you up and you reply instead of full no contact?
What are the timelines and duration of each stage? 3-6 weeks for relief and then when and for how long for numbing and longing?
cesh dutons scent. red otter. L - V - I.