Open sharer here: a strategy that’s helped me so much is: when someone’s story makes me think of a tangential thing I want to share, I hold back and turn that idea into a question for the other person. I’ll often share what I’d originally thought of after I listen to the other person’s response. this has been amazing for learning how to ask better questions
@@darthtepes575 I think I kinda do a similar thing! Guy: *shares story where he got embarrassed* Me: omg something similar happened to me, are you a person who can laugh at past embarrassments or does it still sting? Guy: yeah, I’ve always been able to laugh about crazy stuff…wait tell me your embarrassing thing. This is usually how the conversation goes.
As a guy, didn't know about this. Only been on one date my entire 24 year life and I definitely asked and returned questions. It's this thing an etiquette coach said, "a conversation is like a tennis match. You send the ball back and forth. It's no fun when someone holds onto the ball the entire time."
Poor guy, he just wanted to meet his next partner and this girl went "I'm gonna destroy your entire self with this one! Who cares who I hurt, am I not cute!?" while sitting in front of him.
@@ulizez89She’s commenting on an interesting social phenomenon that a lot of women can relate to and similarly find frustrating. I don’t think she’s concerned about targeting this individual man or whether or not he regards her as cute. Did you even watch the video?
A lot of people in the comments bringing up how they have dated women and they haven’t asked any questions and this is not a man-only problem. But that is what half of the video IS about. I think it was interesting to have the male vs femal conversation strategies in the first half (bc in some cases this can be a part of the story). However, I truly find that the open sharer vs questioner part is the HEART of this conversation. In essence, what I got from this was to step outside of your ”natural” conversation strategy every now and again and try to engage with people in different ways. This goes for both men and women. People who are not good communicators come in all forms. Just actively try to become a better communicator, that’s it.
Right, and silently waiting for someone to do something so that you then in turn can do what _you_ want to do too is a nice and neat little way to blame everyone else for being the problem, for not reading your mind. If you’re making a judgement on someone for not allowing you to be yourself the way you like, that’s a you problem girly. NOW- if you’re making making yourself clear and describing what you want or don’t want in that moment (not expecting them to remember or make the connection from another situation) and someone still chooses to defy or deny that, then sure. But just don’t spend your life waiting for people to get the hint, because they won’t. If you’re complaining and your sentences are all starting with “I just thought that” or “I was waiting for” or “they should have” it’s time to re-evaluate.
Exactly! I'm a woman and I don't think I'm a questioner unless the other person is genuinely not sharing anything, but it always makes me feel like they just don't want to talk to me when they don't volunteer info, and I never considered that they may just feel like they need to be questioned to share, so it was interesting for this video to bring that up bc i learned something new for sure.
People are way too comfortable commenting on videos they haven't watched the whole way through, thinking they've got all of what the poster wanted to talk about
@@marcusaurellius8755. That comment was pretty offensive, huh? There are numerous women that don’t engage in conversation at all. It is exhausting to have to carry the conversation.
Yeah it's weird, annoying actually. I ask questions in hope it starts a conversation. It gets weird for me when they in turn dont share or ask any questions. Then I'll try to share an experience hoping they'll chime in and get nothing. Makes feel like damn i guess I'll shut up then
This open sharer vs questioner idea has made me realize one reason why I have such a hard time carrying on a conversation - I am a combination of the two in the worst possible way. I don't feel comfortable asking other people questions because it feels too forward and prying, but I also don't feel comfortable openly sharing things about myself without being asked because I assume the other person wouldn't be interested unless they've asked. This leads quickly to conversation death unless I happen to be talking someone who is both happy to openly share about themselves and ask me questions about myself.
That's kind of how I felt listening to this video as well, but then it got me thinking. I believe that I am naturally an over sharer. But I have been taught to feel insecure about that part of me. I've been taught over time that sharing in that way is taking over the conversation, even though internally my goal is to get the other person to share in return.
The swan princess is ever topical. So timeless. -"You are all I ever wanted. You are beautiful". -"Thank you. But what else?" -"What else is there?" "You should write a book: How to Offend Women in Five Syllables or Less".
The lonely word vomit is a very real thing, post-pandemic especially. Going through the lockdowns as a woman, I was on video calls with my girlfriends as often as we could arrange them, whereas my husband just talked to me until in-person meetups started up again.
The zero friends part is the real issue. Men can call a guy their best friend and know nothing about him because they're actually not close at all outside of hanging out sometimes. That's not a real friend, but most male friendships seem to be like that.
@@PlaceholderName-b4d That's definitely a thing with a lot of guys who met people through specific interests like gaming, where you're mainly just engaging in the activity itself when you get together. Interests are still the most reliable way to make friends, especially in this age with third spaces on the decline, so it's a tough nut to crack.
I'll have to think on this, but a similar topic I love is "vocal pause" which is usually regional. It's how long of a pause after you finish a thought before you expect the other person to jump in and respond (or the silence starts feeling awkward). People with mismatched vocal pauses can finish a conversation with one thinking the conversation went so fast and continuous they never got an opportunity to speak, while the other feels like there were so many awkward pauses but the other never contributed to the conversation. My husband and I are matched, so when one of us pauses after a thought, we'll both speak at once trying to start the next topic.
my best friend and i grew up in the same area, but i pause waiting for the other person to talk (and will continue my thought if they dont), and she never did. we were friends for YEARS and then one day she got so annoyed at me mid conversation and yelled "I want to talk now! It's my turn, you aren't letting me get a word in edgewise!" and i was so confused, i was like "I took multiple pauses waiting for you to speak" and she said "Girl, those were BREATHS". 😂but we've learned - i take longer pauses, and she is more confident about speaking up. everyone's happy.
That's a really good point! My sister has Auditory Processing Disorder, and has to think for a good 4 or 5 seconds after a question is asked of her before answering it. We've all had to get better at literally counting the seconds of silence. After 10 seconds, she might have gotten distracted, so it's okay to re-ask THEN. If you're not used to it, 10 full seconds after every paragraph of speech is ROUGH. But having a literal number to tell people can help, just going with "more or less" can take multiple rounds to get right.
Omg ive wondered about this, I've felt like I I'm constantly interrupting my partner but I feel like I'm interjecting at the right time? Like she is more accepting of longer pauses than I am, I never considered it in this way!
Idk. As a bi woman, I have had this problem on dates with men and women. Not saying it might not be more prevalent with men but I think this is a larger society problem more than a man vs woman one.
It's just different personalities and chemistries we have with people in general. Some friends I have I am really quiet with and others I can be very talkative and really vibe with
Exactly. Differences being, is that legions of women will bring it out on Toktok and social media and whine about it. Sorry for the lack of suggar. And guys will keep it for themselves and won't poor it out on the net. In fine, the magnifying glass of the internet, and the 'Iceberg' problem amplifies the idea of well-spread behaviors or opinion, and build them into a trend in the social psyche. But that doesn't make it anymore true, ofc. Believe me, there are legions of men going on dates, unable to utter a word, while having to hear all about the inner world of their female date. Young lady, I could only humbly advise you to research with a broader spectrum. Not only from the US psycho curiculum lieterature, and if I may, or only from literature written by women. Just like you should not read only literature writen by men on matters of genders either. Oh boy, we're a long way from home. Cheers
@@Ouuuuulalaaaaayeah , you're kinda selecting for men who are both self confident enough to ask women out on dates , and look intresting enough to not be rejected ... Of course you get pompous self centered peeps , ask guys out and maybe you'll be surprised
I personally feel like this is entirely on personality and not on sex. I definitely know men that cant stop talking and I can only imagine how they are on dates, but Ive also seen women on dates that will never shut up.
It is an issue not related to any gender but to people in general, but people love to be sexist and bash the opposite sex for whatever they find, even if it is an unisex issue. I guess because when people date only men they only build up resentment towards men and vice versa for men dating women and building resentment for those bad experiences.
My friend went on a date recently and the guy didn’t ask her a single question. When he asked her out again and she said no, he was shocked. “I thought we had a good time,” he reasoned. She said “dude, you didn’t try to get to know me at all.” His reply? With complete earnesty he said “oh, sorry. I just thought you really wanted to talk about me. You asked me so many good questions.” 🙃
Here's what I've discovered. Some people are really great at asking good questions. They're altruistic and usually great communicators. The guy sensed that and appreciated it immensely. He, on the other hand, can work on his communication and needs to be guided by this woman. I think it's great that he communicated and while he was completely oblivious I think he's become aware that he needs to ask questions. His sincerity might just hint that he may be willing to put in the effort in the future. Is she gonna give him a chance? He might be weak in communication but great at other things. It's her call to make. Unless he's a self-centered prick, poor communication is not a red flag if the person is sincere. I think she should give him another shot then decide what she wants to do.
@@veisObviously meeting people and talking to them makes you realise both good and bad things about yourself, but I wouldn't want to go on a second date just to teach him things he could just as well learn himself.
I also believe that women and men have different goals when they go on a date. While women may be a little bit reserved and on guard they probably first want to know what kind of person they are meeting and they ask themselves "Is this the right person for me?" So they tend to ask more questions. While the man might think "Oh this is a pretty girl. I for sure like her for that! Now I have to impress her in order for her to like me back" So they tend to talk about themselves a lot and try to show her what an interesting man he is.. and failing, cause they just seem like big braggers lol
I think you nailed it. For many women, you need to make sure that you are safe with this person, so you are interested but cautious to open up yourself because of the power dynamics. You evaluate the guy to look out for signs of self-absorbedness, self-centeredness (which is a big red flag if you'd ever end up in bed - who would want someone who only takes care of their own needs, thinks about themself? god awful dynamics to be extended). For men, they are not in the position to be potentially physically unsafe in any date, so they do not have to make sure that they won't be taken advantage of or that the date might turn into something unsafe. That is spoken in a context of straight relationships. Men seem to be failing to take into account patriarchy when dating. They need to prove themselves as emotionally and physically safe first to able to meet their partner's emotional needs. Sure, you are also expected to make your ends meet and not be an addict of some sort but dating is about potential to establish emotional conection. Who cares how many cups the guy has won in some hobby competitions of theirs or in some other thing they are interested in. For many of us, we couldn't care less about all this material and technical achievements because we are interested in the emotional core of the human being sitting opposite us. Sexist mindset against women as equals for sure isn't what we want to find there.
And this is the bro dating advice they get from other dudes, impress her, pickup lines--oh yeah girls always say they want funny guys, show off how witty you are dude! In a mixed friend group, I had to steer an introverted male friend away from this approach getting pushed by the other guys to asking her questions about her interests when he was asking for advice on getting and keeping a conversation going. Goodness, the guys' advice was terrible. Hence why I never dated any of them probably lol.
@@thegnome73In my opinion it's important for men to have female friends. Some incels say that friendship between men and women is impossible, but they are the same men who would put themselves first at any occasion and brag with each other about how many women they "collected" with their manipulative behavior. A woman friend would certainly give better advices on how to approach a dating setting and a woman befriending a man, also shows that the guy is interesting beyond his physical qualities.
As a questioner (and a man too) and because I’m an introvert I feel like when I start a conversation with someone I ask questions to avoid being socially anxious, it helps with the conversation flow but sometimes I feel down or disappointed when the other person doesn’t ask questions or be interested in knowing more, like you said maybe they are an open sharers and they expect the other person to also open share, but I also feel like it’s important for open sharers to also recognize the type of person they are talking to, both sides of the conversation should be aware and maybe adapt accordingly. Loved the idea of this video so much, it was informative and made me realize the type of person I really am.
guy here and same. Very socially anxious. I always asked questions or followed up on questions on dates. I don't wanna hear myself talk and I don't think I'm that interesting. If you're attracted to someone wouldn't you just want to hear them talk about themselves instead of just ramble about yourself?
@@Zectifinwoman here lol. And a talker. I’d like to note that, just like you will anxiously ask questions, there are people that will anxiously yap. Some do both, even.
@@Babygreen_manI think this is the core of this issue. I don't think it's really a gender thing at all. Some people like to talk and some like to listen. A conversation is about finding a happy medium though.
@@amysteriousviewer3772 completely agree. I wasn’t defending people that dominate the conversation with their talking. I know I’m an anxious talker(questions and yapping). Knowing this I make a very conscious effort to rein myself in and keep the conversation balanced. Chatters just always seem to get dogpiled so I figured I’d throw in a different perspective. My point was just that, people that talk a lot aren’t necessarily doing it because they “aren’t interested in others” or because they “think they are so interesting”.
22:35 What you're describing with the sharers vs questioners reminds me very strongly of the established differences in social communication observed between autistic and allistic populations. Of course there are many autistic people who ask questions in conversation, but in my reading and observation I've found that the most common (and for me, most comfortable) way that autistic folk get to know people is a style of conversation where open sharing is used to invite others into the discussion, show comprehension or express commiseration. This doesn't always work too well in cross neurotype conversations, though - there's a great study on what's been dubbed ‘the double empathy problem’ examining autistic-allistic communication differences that you might find interesting.
Yep! As an autistic and adhd individual, my way of getting to know someone is by doing 'double empathy' to share my own similar experiences as well as hear them out on theirs. I share my topics of interest and my life and I do ask questions although i will admit that unless you're able to keep up with me, you probably won't get a word in. I am working on this but honestly talking to other ND individuals, or people (like my bestie) who aren't autistic but GET how i communicate, they know I love them and while i do talk alot, i am also extremely interested in listening to them. So, it really depends on the person I am talking to and their communication style, and how comfortable they are with me. I have in the past been accused of 'not asking questions' or 'only talking about myself' (real or imagined from their point of view) So that's why i'm trying harder to (while still being my true self) ALSO make sure to keep space for the other person. And yes, other autistic ppl i know, struggle with the exact same thing and i do call them out on it lol. (lovingly)
I wasn't familiar with the double empathy problem before, so thank you for bringing it up! I was familiar with some of the ideas behind it (difficulties in socializing between autistic and allistic people often occur because of difficulty in both parties understanding each other, not just because of the autistic person's "shortcomings"), but looking into this provided some really interesting information and nuance! So thank you for giving me another research rabbit hole to jump down haha
It's not just the questioners vs. sharers, or vertical vs. horizontal. It's so much more. I'm a woman who has worked 4+ years in a women-only workplace, and then 5+ years in predominantly men (+me for funzies). Disclaimer: It's not an American or even English speaking culture so differences may occur. So notable observations: - women tend to choose topics that have direct relation to them. As in relationships of members of a group. Or discuss a shared situation (it's a workplace after all). And Men tend to choose topics around ideas and situations more broadly. Sometimes the bigger the better (So Global Politics over someone's relationship) - Women and men have a very different definition of personal boundaries. So women could perceive solutions to situations they discuss as overstepping (if they didn't specifically ask for it). While men tended to see questions about their feelings as overstepping (again, if they didn't share any). - Criteria of whether conversation or discussion went well is also quite different. Big notable difference is whether some conflict has occurred (both physical and words only) and how it's perceived. You can guess which group thinks what about this. The list goes on...
I notice your comment received far fewer likes and yet it's one of the more measured, informed ones. But in any case, another point I'd add is that, men TEND to view questions asked or problems laid out with the purpose of needing a solution. If you don't want men to offer a solution, never bring up a problem around them.
omg i'm living with mostly men right now while volunteering in a hostel and i've noticed this!! the male volunteers as a group all they talk about is sports. very rarely if ever any life things. if i'm talking with them one on one that will come up probably because i lead the conversation tehee. when women guests come, we get such a deep understanding of each other so quickly it's so funny
@@SpinningSideKick9000 well. Aside from the fact that the definition of conflict is also quite different (it takes more open confrontation for man to label it a conflict). For women - 8/10 times conflict is a no no, and if it had occurred the talking didn't end well. Reasons range from 'unladylike' and 'it was supposed to be a support group' to 'conflict is outright dangerous'. For men, even if conflict had occurred but they had won it - everything went fairly well.
@@maryn6792 Oh, very true. Still not sure how that would apply to a date. I do notice that ladies apologize a lot, so maybe they’re more averse to conflict than I gave thought to 🤔
It's nice but it's hard to get right. A single book, a couple of studies, etc doesn't not make something true. Nor do anecdotes. And the plural of anecdotes isn't data. So just pointing out comments from the internet some articles that already agree with you is a bit.....eh. Questioner vs sharer and the other things she mentioned in this video aren't considered gospel in the field of psychology.
As an introvert open sharer, I have only two mods : silently listening to the other person in awe, and oversharing. I just don't know how to ask questions, simply because I don't know if the question I'm about to ask is too personal or if it can trigger something unpleasant. I grew up among secretive people, gathering pieces of informations by observing and listening and then stitching them all together as a data base. When I share things about myself, it's me showing I feel comfortable enough to be vulnerable. It's me being true. But even if I don't ask question, I am gathering every trinkets of information about the other one and cherish it. I won't ask about your pet, but if you mention your cat, I will ask about it next time we see each other because I noticed it was a subject you were willing to talk about.
Being introvert and shy are 2 different things. Introvert people prefer to be alone, doing alone stuff, get tired in middle of people. Shy people are afraid
Omg same here! I am also autistic so I am so bad at communicating A guy i was talking to mentioned that I never asked questions and I felt really bad That’s when I realised dating wasn’t for me 😭😭
heyy so not to diagnose you or anything, but that kinda sounds like autism!! you may look into it, if you talk about using information as a database and also being quiet or oversharing^^
I'm a guy, and I noticed i did this recently with a girl who was interested in me and asking a lot of questions, so I tried to figure out why. What I realized is women who volunteer information about themselves give me something to hook onto and I will ask questions, but if the woman jumps straight into asking me "dating/mating" style questions, I go into this mode where I feel like I'm being interrogated and eventually become annoyed. Also, men are not taught to be aggressive. We are taught that no one cares if we are sad, then we notice that people definitely pay attention once we get angry.
Also, I really enjoyed this video. I always thought about it as introverted/extroverted, but it's more nuanced than that. I'm an introvert but an open-sharer, which seems almost contradictory
"Also, men are not taught to be aggressive. We are taught that no one cares if we are sad, then we notice that people definitely pay attention once we get angry." This? That's you being taught. Teaching doesn't only take the form of "someone sits you down and explains a set of rules". Teaching is also "you get a better response to a specific pattern of behaviour, so you do that behaviour more. You have unconsciously learned (through the actions of others) a non-spoken rule"
@@greypolar2720 And your point is? At the end of the day, what matters? The textbook definition of a word, or understanding how children are learning patterns of behaviour that affects them and everyone around them for the rest of their life so we can influence that learning better?
@littledewdroplets The "understanding" involves understanding the nuance. Being "taught" vs "adaptation" gives a hint as to the cause, and therefore, the solution.
As a man who has only dated women, I have found this exact same problem but the women never ask me questions. The entire conversation is me asking questions to try and get to know them and truly get to know the person. I dont think this is a gender problem. I think its a narcissistic problem from people who only wanna talk about themselves. It's so bad that when I find a girl who asks me questions about myself I'm dumbfounded cause it seems like nobody gives a shit anymore
@@TheSim1derfulWhat? The person you’re responding to literally stated this is a problem that affects both men and women and the final sentence is literally praising women.
This shows how people throw around labels. "Narcissistic", "Incel"?? Nothing he said was insulting to women specifically. Some people tell stories, some people ask questions. I, personally, find question and answer a boring way to hold a conversation and feels more like an interview than a social chat.
One time I was on a date that was a 90-minute monologue... I asked one question in the beginning to be polite and he just went with it. I was not able to get a *single* sentence in. Some men aren't looking for a partner, they're looking for an audience.
I think an over-looked aspect of balanced conversations is also *genuine* listening. Not just formulating your response and waiting until you can add your piece, but focusing on what the other person is saying, and equally as important, what their body language is saying. I used to very much be on the open-sharing side, and I felt weird leaving conversations as if I bared my soul and was focusing too much of the conversation on myself if I was with a question asker. But by listening better, I pay attention to when someone's facial expressions, intonations, or body language show they're really interested in something, and focus my questions in that area, where they are also more likely to jump in unprompted. Or, if they start to look a little less interested, flip the question back at them and see where it leads. It is very much possible to change your conversation style (although I still do more open sharing with close friends and default to question asking in less comfortable situations, or when just making small-talk). I think surrounding yourself with people in the opposite conversation style helps, because I always felt like my question-asking friends were more self-less and kind and I wanted to be more like them
Yeah but being better listeners also has its drawback, where you endup just listening and listening and they treat you like unlicensed therapist. Where at the end only one feel better and other feel exhausted
Easy to say, harder to do. It's hard to be a good listener. Even when you ask good followup questions, it does nothing to build a good bond between you and someone if you can't remember or notice details about someone. I often feel like I build no connections with other people (any gender) because I can't remember what they say or I can't create a good shared experience. I'm curious to know what were your first steps to be genuinely interested in someone and to notice the details you mention, or remember details to show you pay attention.
@@c-eb3634 idk why my original reply didn't show up. But here it is: It might sound a little silly, but I take notes on conversations with my friends, especially long-distance friends that I catch up with infrequently. Just quick notes like "Friend started dating a dude named BF-he's a software engineer, Friend's mom is sick-make sure to check in about that next time" that I can skim before we meet up next. And I use reminders a lot. Not just for birthdays, but if someone tells me they have a big exam coming up or a drs appt they're nervous about, I set reminders in my phone for that day saying "send Friend a text wishing them luck today." Also, I just find that saying in my head to myself "oh, I should remember this for later", or "I should write _ down" helps me remember it better because I'm basically hearing it twice. It might sound weird to take notes on your friends, but I'd rather be a little weird to make sure my friends know I care. Another part of what helped me focus better was shifting more attention away from myself. I'm on the more anxious side, so learning to quiet the thoughts that distract me like "was I laughing too loud, I need to stop fidgeting so much, I wonder if my hair looks bad," etc through mindfulness helps me stay more present so its easier to focus and then remember things later. But there are so many ways to show people you care. Memory is tricky and things like mental health or meds can make focusing and remembering a lot harder for some people. I make people a lot of homemade gifts (baked goods, painting cards and writing letters, etc) or do small acts of service to show I care, even if they have to tell me the name of their sister 5 times before I remember.
Real! I’ve been on so many dates where the man never once asks me about myself. It makes me wonder how the conversation is supposed to work! It’s so important to know the background of how we’re raised to talk to each other, especially in romantic settings. Thank you for this!!
My partner has recently emphasized this fact about me. She told me that I don’t ask her enough questions, or at the very least, ask her questions back. Up to this point in my relationship, I have failed to pick up on this. I’m working on being a better, less selfish conversationalist - Not just in the context of our partnership, but also in interactions outside of each other. Thanks for your research and putting this video together! It was a great listen for me.
This is breaking my brain. I'm an out and out questioner (and a man, for the record) and I've spent huge swaths of past relationships wondering why my partner would never ask me questions about my life when I would always ask so many about hers. I knew all of her colleagues, all her work dynamic, the politics of all of that, I knew her family and their whole background. We were together for 6 years but I don't think she could name more than one person I worked with and she couldn't really even describe what I did for a living in the end. By the time I ended the relationship I was complaining that I didn't feel like I mattered to her. I left her and I didn't feel like it would matter to her that I was gone. That she'd find someone she was interested enough in to ask those questions of. Now that I think of her as a sharer and that she maybe wanted me to share some stories and experiences of my own in the same way I'm a bit speechless. I could actually so easily imagine her saying "I thought that if you wanted to talk about those things then you just would have". This is a bit of a tough pill to swallow.
Yes that's exactly how I am. I want to just share things I am excited about and expect others to do the same without me having to interrogate them. I do try to ask questions to balance it out though.
Idk - from my personal experience as a bisexual woman who has been on many dates with both men and women - 9 times out of 10 women ask many questions about you and foster open, interesting conversation, even if there isn't a spark between you. I would 7 times out of 10, men don't ask any questions at all and think the date went great. So in my experience, there are a few women who do it, but many many more men.
I have a neighbor woman that I am friendly with. We met because we both walk our dogs in the neighborhood. It has evolved to the point where I have been to her place for two parties and she to mine for one. We have exchanged text messages about goings on the the neighborhood. I know what she does for a living, what kind of acting projects she is working on, all kinds of things about her family. I'm not sure she even knows what I do for a living. The only question I recall her ever asking about me is whether I own or rent the house I live in. Her best friend, whom I've met several times, is the same way. I figured maybe it was an LA thing, you just keep listing facts about yourself and never ask anyone any questions about themselves. Maybe you assume they will just tell you if they want to? So definitely not a male only behavior
As a woman who, when I dated, dated other women: I can confirm that women on dates subjected me to ceaseless and exhausting interrogations ... shared nothing about themselves.
Look I don’t know how the date went, but I just want to give you my perspective. Guys these days are NOT very confident. So MAYBE he was very focused on impressing you, rather than getting to know you. Its still bad, but some of the early articles you mentioned depict men as very shallow. That is not the case for most.
I've had full conversations/dates with people of all genders who never ask questions. Personally I can't stand it!!!! It exhausts me so quickly! If they're waiting for me to share about myself they need to make it clear that they care 😭 In my opinion, the best conversations have a healthy balance of both open sharing and question asking. However, I'm not a fan of trying to categorize everyone as wholly one or the other. I think we're more complicated than that, but it's a good starting point for discussion.
I agree that there must be a balance between asking questions and sharing in order to make a genuine connection. Connections like that are so rare nowadays and I believe that , that alone answers a lot of questions in our society. It doesn’t matter the age , is more about emotional intelligence.
@@francisrosales 100%! I recently made friends with two of my coworkers who are 10+ years older than me. Even though we don't have a ton in common regarding life experience/media we like because of the age gap, we're all good listeners and I always leave our hangouts feeling fulfilled.
As an open sharer I would say we are equally exhausted answering all your questions. It is not fun for us, we are not having a good time. I'm actually very good at asking questions but I need something to go off so if you never share anything real with me then I will really struggle usually resorting to 'how was your weekend?' five questions down the line cos I really need to stop talking!
I agree! I feel really uncomfortable with the idea of separating people into "questing askers" and "open sharers," and similar trends of categorizations (givers/receivers, love languages, etc) because it's so reductive and further isolates us in an already so individualistic world. I think it varies a lot, conversation by conversation and like you said, a mix of both sharing and asking questions is optimal. I appreciate when people ask me questions, but I also love a good story that I can add on to with something relevant to my own life. Likewise, I love asking questions to learn more about others, but being comfortable enough to share an anecdote with someone is a great way to get closer. It's all good!
I agree that it needs both questions and sharing for a good conversation. I actually don't think most people are exclusively question askers or sharers, but rather a mix of both. Personally I lean more on the side of open sharing, but if a question occurs to me I will ask it. Though often I feel like I'm abruptly changing the topic when asking a question. Like if you just told me that you have a dog, I might ask about his name or what breed he is. But if you already shared all that and I can't think of a question to ask about your dog, I might share a story about my friend's cat to remain on the topic of pets, rather than go "So what do you do for a living?" For me that makes the conversation flow more smoothly instead of feeling like an interview.
@@Gamma753 Bass players are kinda stereotyped as the dudes that get all the girls in bands. A guy that gets a lot of attention from women, is more likely to feel like he's the prize (as many women are wont to do) and then become or act more self absorbed. Or just care a lot less about the girl because he's got 3 other dates lined up for that week anyway.
@@Evermorefae8015no I don't think so. Just that she had mentioned earlier that she has been in a relationship for a few years, and now is dating new people.
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Wow that’s exactly what I inferred (as a casual viewer/subscriber). Very interesting and on-point [I watched your Suzanne Collin’s reviews and loved them]. Good on you for that perspective but… f that, you don’t need a man’s validation.
The last guy I dated was pretty good at asking me questions in the beginning. But then as it progressed, this became less frequent. I started to realize that he was mirroring my behaviour because I do ask a lot of questions. Then when he got more comfortable he thought pursuit through conversation could be dropped. The funny thing was that he told me how much he loved that we always had so much to talk about, however, if I didn’t start up conversations, it was painfully silent.
I have personally noticed a dynamic that relates to this, where men knowing that women like confidence translates to them needing to be more boisterous. So they talk more about themselves, their achievements and how special they are. Whereas I think most women when they say they want a confident man mean that they want a man that is calm, carefree, relaxed, stands up for their morals and shows empathy. This is similar to another trend I have observed with honesty translating to being blunt and rude, or openly sharing things without having any filter on how it affects others. But actually an honest person considers other people's feelings aswell and is willing to question their own opinions when understanding another person's perspective.
It's so frustrating man, I feel this way too when amongst the female persuasion.. you are always left with this feeling of inadequacy and harsh judgement, it's like jeez what more do I need to do here? I've tried everything, my confidence is already non-existent and then there's this check list I have to cross off that I don't even know what the hell is even written on it
@@wesley6442 If you have emotions, there's just no way of getting around feeling hurt by being rejected. And unfortunately the most common dynamic when dating is for men to persue, to show initiative and to get rejected repeatedly. While most women learn that men will just approach them and that they don't necessarily have to approach and get rejected, even if that might help them learn to find a better partner too. Because I think that most men that don't care about being rejected as much are the type of people that have less empathy and don't care how women feel about them, let alone how they treat women. So the men that care less are the ones more likely to persue and continue to persue, even though they are more likely to have toxic or abusive personalities. For me, I was always cautious of who to be with aswell because I did want to spend my life with someone and it was important to me. Over time if you approach relationships cautiously you learn that it's not just men with bad boundaries, that women have them too. Dating was always difficult and depressing, but I just kept striving to do better and be better in genuine ways while trying not to develop a false sense of self-esteem or to blame women. I wanted a healthy relationship and I was determined to keep trying for that. Learning psychology and mental health helped alot with that.
this is so real. honestly from my personal experience, it's just not men for me. i figured after a while that almost every friend i had, doesn't have the least bit of interest in me to bother enough to ask something basic. the whole relationship feels one sided, not just the conversation.
It's funny because in my dating life I've found it to be the exact opposite. The women have talked about herself for 2 hours and never asked questions. Especially with online dating. My experience is I basically have to lead every conversation and be entertaining while working with next to nothing. She likely has 100 other matches talking at one time.
Yes, plus even if you wanted to jump in and openly share something about yourself (since you are not getting any question anyway) they don't even let 3 seconds of silence pass by so that you can formulate a nice way to jump to another topic or something more personal before they start again or continue their self-centered monologue it's not a men-women thing, it's a narcissist person problem
That's strictly online. Men are expected to start conversation and chat someone up. Thats why online dating can be so tiring if its one sided from the mens perspective. Also a woman having more options plays a role, yeah. However, in person it's different. When a man has a foot in the door, the woman is likely to start asking questions to see if she can trust the person. The man is trying to impress. Maybe from starting the conversation he thinks he already knows a bit about her, so its okay to tell more about himself. Generally speaking of course
I'm going to start every date with "Are you a questioner or an open sharer" because I can't really figure out the balance of questions to sharing. I feel unnatural trying to come up with questions.
Man, as a socially awkward open sharer, this explained to me so much why I end up feeling very anxious and self-conscious coming out of conversations with questioners, and why it’s been a project of mine to learn how to ask questions… I find it very difficult to read other people properly to know what they might want to talk about. When someone isn’t responding to me in much detail, I start to panic because I don’t know where to take the conversation from there, and then feel awful for talking too much about myself. I’ve indeed often felt so much more comfortable when the other person took my implicit invitations to share! This made me realize that I’ve been worrying so much about somehow missing others’ unspoken conversational patterns, all while I’ve actually been operating on a different implicit conversational logic myself.
Yeah I like this insight. Operating on a different logic. Very well put! This carries over to so many other instances. People are exposed to different events, environments and belief systems. It will (sub)consciously impact the person you become. Understanding this would improve any kind of relation.
Guy here. I think a lot of guys, myself included, are not taught much of anything. When all you are given is essentially, "oh, you like someone? Well, good luck!" as the ONLY advice, of course it's not going to end well. Even going with the "women are individuals with their own thoughts, wants, needs..." approach can make it murky. In a world where apps are king and you're going primarily off of pictures rather than "here's a bit about me...." on the app itself, it's tough to know where things align. Personally, I struggle to get past the basic things, the "what's your favorite color?" sort of questions. Even my therapist pointed out that with my ex, when I shared about how we got to know each other and all, pointed out that my ex asked detailed questions but didn't give as detailed of answers. People in general seem to be struggling with the push and pull of questions or getting to know each other, too scorned from past experiences or not knowing where something could go. We'll get to a better point overall at some stage. But it is quite thought provoking. "Listen to understand, not to respond" is some good advice that I'm trying to be better at practicing.
I know right? men are expected to give the initiative and start dialogue THEN entertain keep their attention and attraction and hit all the right markers, it's kind of a big reason a lot of guys are just not bothering anymore.. it's so much pressure and we get rejected all the time, so then when you finally go on a date and you think it went well, she secretly resented it because they hide it so well and you never hear from them again. There's no hand book on this and every person is different sometimes you just cast a wide net and hope something catches
@@wesley6442 That's such a terribly reductive and inaccurate comment. The 'pressure' of maintaining the attention of their date is on both sides. You're extremely self centered if you think it's only a pressure uniquely on men. Women get rejected just as much as men. This is a fact that seems to constantly elude men who endlessly complain about having to juggle so much but practically not doing anything while women juggle many of the same pressures. The thing that so many men refuse to understand is that their incompatibility with the woman they're dating and her awareness of it and politely choosing to move on is not a 'rejection.' We do that while we're making friends within our gender as well. Not everybody is compatible to us to be in our lives and we don't consider it a 'rejection' when we don't form friendships with people who want to be friends with us. Why is it so drastically different in choosing a long term partner? Men are not expected to 'lead' conversations or anything. This expectation, when it exists, has been put on men by other men and some women who share their sexism. If a lot of men aren't even asking anything on dates, not only are they not leading, they aren't even following. As for the 'pressure', do you blame your employers for placing 'pressure' on you for expecting to be on time, be well dressed and show interest at the bare minimum for job interviews? If not, then it's absurd that you blame women for 'rejecting' men for not even doing the bare minimum as well as for putting 'pressure' on you under which you cannot help but crumble and do absolutely nothing.
@@aamnahere6250what you're saying is literally disproven by statistics, you are offended he said men get reject more which is literally true, so now you are making up claims, very insecure, odd thing to even be offended about tbh
@@aamnahere6250men are literally expected to lead the Convo, women tell us that all the time why are you acting like it's a secret, you're being kinda sexist assuming he's sexist 😂 If I'm on a date I always have to lead the Convo, if I stop talking then the Convo slowly dies, that's not an expectation I put on her that's her being low effort.
I was nodding my head in agreement for the first half then immediately felt called out during the "Open Sharer vs. Questioner" segment, I just blindly assumed I had the high ground as a questioner. Well, time for some introspection
Nah, the open sharers are mostly in the wrong imo. I get that they might think that we ask questions so that we don’t have to share (which is true for a lot of us ngl). But there is an implicit expectation that when you ask someone a question, you would agree to answer that same question if asked. So the excuse of open sharers not knowing whether we want to share or not is BS. Also we’re not mind readers. If these people want to know more about us it is their duty to make it known. Expecting us to just “figure out” that we’re supposed to share stories of our own is just bad communication on their part. If they feel slighted or bummed out or rejected it is entirely on them.
Like sure they might not know what we want to share, but when they are not even returning the questions we ask them they can’t blame us for “not sharing” when we’ve given them countless opportunities to return questions so we can open up too.
@@frenchgirl5878I don’t think this is really a matter of what is right or wrong tbh. People have different modes of communication, even if they don’t realize it. It’s not that one is better than other, as questioners implicitly signal the desire for you to talk and them to listen, which makes it a one way street if you aren’t aware of it. Sharers have the risk of talking over someone o oversharing. They’re just different.
great video!! i rlly liked the section abt questioners and open sharers it got me thinking abt the different kinds of ppl in my life, my dynamic w them, and how those dynamics differed depending on if they were a questioner or open sharer
For the longest time, I just thought I sucked at conversations, but turns out I'm an open sharer (and female and neurodivergent) and I feel like I'm forcing a conversation whenever I have to ask questions, even though I know that's what typically seems to be expected. It drains my energy massively to have to force myself to remember to ask questions and try to figure out what a good question to ask is. Being with other open sharers makes me feel alive and we can talk until 2 am type of thing. I do try to be polite and ask questions for the sake of others, but I feel like I'm forcing it and acting very mechanically when I do.
Man here : I’ll paraphrase the last part of the video : men ask very few questions to each other either, this is not (necessarily) about you ladies. Don’t (necessarily) beat yourself over it. I do ask questions to my dates myself, but this is not an instinctive thing, I have to FORCE myself and they are usually along the lines of "what about you?" I admit. Doesn’t mean I’m not interested, I just instinctively assume if someone doesn’t want to talk about something they must have their reasons and I should mind my own buisness. I can also tell you men are NOT happy when their dates feel like a job interview. HOPE IT HELPS !!!
As a neurodivergent woman I am definitely an open sharer. I find it quite hard to ask questions and when I'm with neurotypical people I often feel bad afterwards for not having asked anything, However when I'm with other neurodivergent people we tell each other so much about ourselves without having to be asked (with lots of interruptions 😂).
This is how I communicate too, and it makes trying to hold a conversation with some people feel so laborious. I can't constantly come up with questions so good that you become interesting to talk to, we need to be able to go back and forth.
THIS. It's like talking about myself feels safe because it's known territory I am skilled in. Asking questions? Imagine I ask about their parents and they're an orphan! Imagine I ask about pets and theirs just died! Imagine I ask about their job and they just lost theirs! Imagine I-
THIS. I wouldn't even think that open sharer fits me too well (i guess due to masking and social anxiety I'm even an reluctant sharer yikes). But I definitely am bad at asking questions or returning them
As a man who is just trying to get back into dating this video was a godsend to answer a question that has been nagging me. Why some conversations seem to come so naturally and some seem are a little more uncomfortable. I really appreciate this and I will definitely be trying to look for these styles in others and shoot for ambi-conversational. Thank you
I’m an open sharer but I’ve learned to ask questions and show my interest in people and I think everyone should, it wasn’t that hard, just ask only questions you’re genuinely interested in
It might not be hard at first, but depending on the other person, it might get hard quickly if they offer you nothing to work with. "What do you do in your free time?" "Not much." "..." "..." "..." "..." "Oh look, a squirrel!" * runs off *
Right? Like definitely an open sharer, but I hate being the one to dominate conversations. So I asks questions hoping to pass the ball back in their court. I think vertical/horizontal thing plays a role. I don’t want to be the dominant speaker! I don’t feel comfortable just yapping away. I would hate that.
Maybe I'm an awful person, probably am given how poorly I'm treated in social contexts. But, sincere question if anyone is willing to indulge me. If no one has given you anything to be interested in, how do you know what interesting things you should ask about? When people endlessly ask me random questions I feel interrogated. It's tiring and feels intrusive. I can't imagine doing the same to another person, it feels awkward and wrong.
@@Nethemas Usually I ask about how people feel about things and not about things. Like I don’t ask about their job I ask how they feel about their job, I don’t care about most jobs but I care how a person experiences life so hearing them talk about their joys and fears is always interesting to me. Same if they say they just bought a house, I don’t care about the house and the mortgage, I do care how they feel about this big change in their life
Also once you get people talking about how they feel the conversation becomes a lot more natural and not an interrogation but a lot more of an honest conversation
23 year old guy here and never been on a date in my life. This applies to more than just dates (as you go on to talk about). I thought it was a guy thing but, when meeting someone new as an open sharer, a conversation with a lot of questions feels stilted and awkward. Whereas sharing thematically relevant stories back and forth feels much more cooperative and fulfilling like trying to hold the longest coolest looking rally in tennis or volleyball. My version of asking a question often entails telling a story or making a comment that is loosely related to what I want to hear about and, if the person with whom I am speaking is comfortable sharing the information I'm looking for I've hopefully prompted that information to the forefront and provided an opportunity for them to share. Of course, an unfortunate biproduct of such communication is that it often takes several interactions to glean someone's job, relationship status or even their name.
Fun Fact: Autistic and ADHD individuals tend to be Open-Sharers and it's how we empathize. We get a lot of grief from people who will tell a sad story and then get angry when we share a story with a similar experience; they think they're being "one-upped" or now the story is about us. No. How else are we supposed to show we understand how we're going through WITHOUT sharing a story regarding a similar situation? Many of us get uncomfortable when we share a story and don't get a story back.
I was thinking of the ND community during this video. In my psychology class, we discussed how women have higher average emotional intelligence than men. And that some ND individuals find themselves lower on this scale. Some of the complaints men have of women and women of men, to me, strike me as very similar to those NTs have of NDs and NDs of NTs.
The vertical/horizontal conversation thing explains SO WELL why I find the men in my life so annoying in group settings sometimes. They get so loud and overbearing and seemingly often feel the need to make things a debate instead of a discussion?? I'm so glad I have a name for that now haha
@@Jamhael1because sometimes you just want to have a good natured conversation without it suddenly becoming emotionally competitive. Navigating a competitive conversation takes more energy and can be exhausting, not to mention, it's a hard way to actually learn information.
@@Goat.Cheese and who in the hell does that? A conversation without conflict is not "real", but a pretense of civility - people are not agreeable all the time...
@@Jamhael1That’s stupid. I don’t know why you’d have an emotionally competitive conversation with someone unless you want to change their mind about something. Like, what’s the point? Conflict just for the sake of it can be interesting but if you’re getting emotionally competitive with your friends all the time, who’s gonna want to be around you? We’re competing all the time already: can’t we just talk to each other and navigate conflict naturally, instead of forcing it in the one space you ought to be comfortable in?
@TheNwr1 now you are seeing how men see women today: A veritable trench war over emotional accomodation. And we men are just shaking our heads in disapointment, knowing that such fight is simply pointless...
I'm definitely an opensharer! when i'm having a conversation with someone, my mind is focused on finding a common space for relatability. because to me that's what conversations are, to find a commonspace with someone, to bond with someone. you voluntary get to share just how much you feel comfortable with, and there's no boundaries being crossed by asking a question that hits awkwardly. there's no hierarchy of the asker and the answerer, there's just two people sharing their world view. i do ask questions about details, but if the conversation requires me to practically interrogate a person just to find out the details to their short answers, that tells me they don't want to share it.
yes this is it for me!! I struggle to ask questions because I worry that I'll stumble on something that's a sensitive topic... "do you have kids?" is normal for a lot of people, but it could also make some people upset
@@Absolutecorn5767 oh yes that's relatable for me as well!! lately i've been more conscious of my way of communication because i feel like it can come across as very domineering and centred on me, which isn't my intention at all!
I have a friend who doesn't ask questions, and does not return the question. When I asked them about it, they said that if someone would like to share something, then they will. They found it to be pushy or invasive, to ask someone a question about something they hadn't shared on their own because if the other person wanted them to know that information then they would share it. It made me realize that they weren't uninterested - they were being considerate.
Ya now you have a more positive view of them. I had the opposite encounter, the other party did not really talk about herself and I thought she was considerate. But later I found she was just hiding and doesn’t not want to divulge too much about herself. I linked it to consideration and interest in me. In reality, it was because she don’t want attention on herself, she used it as a tactic to divert attention
I'm a man, and I find meeting new people very exhausting. The whole asking answering asking cycle is just unnatural to me. Beginning a date with a quick round of these is perfectly fine and helpful, it's an effective enough formula to start a conversation, but prolonging it... is just painfull and mechanized. After a certain point, people should be able to speak their minds, even when not asked, about certain topics, such as their interests, their job, their friends or banalities of their day to day - anything they find themselves wanting to speak about. Hearing people talk about what's near and dear to them is one of life's greatest pleasures and also the best way to really know someone. In mid conversation If you're not given a window to also do this, due to your date mate (genius) essaying about his grandiose self, well maybe that's not your guy.
Do you ever get the feeling when meeting someone new you can't be bothered to invest time into explaining yourself to them? for me, after so many failures to get off the ground and get anywhere, I think to myself why bother? this isn't going to go anywhere, ya know?
@@wesley6442 It can be exhusting if you're looking at ti as a routine and not an individuality. I think that aproaching a meeting, a date, whatever, and looking at it as a performance can be exhausting, and in that sense I agree with you, but it shouldn't be a performance. I understad how past failure can take its tone in your life, but you shouldn't let it controll it. Have some faith on you and keep on trying earnestly :)
As a man, I am excited to hear you discuss this topic. Personally, all I do is ask questions on dates because I am socially anxious and talking about myself makes me scared. I have relied on being a good listener. EDIT: I like the discussion on horizontal vs vertical communication. I have noticed that I interpret interjections as interruptions. Most men I know, including myself, have this habit that they acknowledge someone's comments and repeat their statement. For instance, Man #1: "So I was at the grocery store and I ran into a friend from high school." Man #2: "Oh really? That's crazy" Man #1: "Yeah. So I ran into this person from high school......" Very rough example, but this happens all the time. You could interpret this as Man #1 re-asserting control of the conversation while acknowledging Man #2's comments. This becomes even worse in group situations, where I repeat myself a lot more.
@@LastMinuteGuess lol same, but I also talk a lot of random shit xD
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Same here. I ask a lot on every date. But I guess I get nervous and talk to much. Also I dont care about someones job. Its not the most importanr thing for my.
Being anxious makes me fail to ask questions. Every single question is an opportunity for rejection if they think the question is too weird, too personal, too mundane, too common, or just something they don’t want to talk about. So I think that asking a lot of questions is a brave move
That's interesting. Especially since man #2 in your example might have different conversational habits or intentions in saying that. Maybe he had a different family or ethnic culture, or only had sisters, for some other reason interjects like that simply to show he's engaged and cares about what you have to say or you as a person. Or maybe hes trying to hype you up. Different cultures and even families can have different conversational rhythms.
I'm a woman but I also tend to interpret interjections as interruptions, especially if it's more than a "Mhm" or a "yeah". Like, I feel a nod and looking at the person who's talking is enough of a sign that you're listening. Anything more will kick me out of my flow and I'll forget what I was about to say cause now I feel like I need to acknowledge what you just said. I KNOW they're just trying to show me they're engaged in what I'm saying but to me it's so annoying.
I definitely feel like this is a universal problem for both genders. I've seen men show their chats on dating apps and so many women are incredibly dry. When I was trying to make friends, I encountered this type of people and they were men and women. Just awful all around
as a guy i've never seen a conversation as a competition and if i start talking too much i tend to worry that i'm not letting the other person (or people) have a chance to speak. i've always seen them as an exchange.
Okay I feel like this whole questioner vs sharer conversation styles is genuinely going to change my life approaching social situations, especially as someone with social anxiety who needs all the help I can get to structure and understand social interaction. Really appreciate and enjoyed the video, even without it being book related!
I realized today why I can't hold a conversation with certain people; it's probably because they were waiting for me to ask and I never did. I definitely think I'm more of an open sharer and just expect people to continue talking about their experiences and stories after I've told mine. If I get no response I feel like I've overshared and the other person probably doesn't care because they didn't follow up with anything; but now I realize that they might have just been waiting to be asked!!
My issue is, as much as I love my friends, some of them go completely dead silent and they are the ones that asked to hang out with me.. I am like so we get together and you are just not going to say anything? I don't know, maybe I am that chill and quiet atmosphere type, but once the silence drags on for so long, I get annoyed so I start talking and I will get short answers sometimes, not always of course. this is sort of my way of testing their temperament, are they in a bad mood? just want to hang out in the silence with their bro? I am cool with that but if the silence goes on to long I get nervous, so if I probe them and they still give me blunt answers I just entertain myself instead lol I love my friends but in those moments I say internally "eh. fuck em" xD
A big make or break factor for me is someone holding a conversation and keeping conversations interesting and flowing. It’s so exhausting being the only person putting in effort in a two person conversation. Kinda crazy how low the bar is 😅
what if im having trouble to find ANY common ground with the other person? I find it really hard to have a conversation with new people because every topic seems to fall short until i find something we have in common. Its also really hard to focus on the persons answer and follow thru with relevant questions because of my anxiety
@@oakuvalentine7734 I mean that might just be a lack of compatibility which is okay. Even if I don’t have anything in common with someone, I tend to ask lots of questions and be curious of their answers because I’d rather a forced conversation than no conversation at all. Idk where you are at age-wise and dating-wise but with more practice, you’ll get better at managing the anxiety and having better conversations
@@oakuvalentine7734 Hi! Don't worry about finding common ground. You are probably anxious because you don't want to be perceived as awkward. That's perfectly normal. Here's how you can fix that. Talk to all sorts of people. Talk to a lot of people. A LOT. You'll develop confidence and you'll start to get a sharp sense of when people want to talk and when they don't which is very very important. You can start by practicing speaking with cashiers when you're checking out. You won't have too long to speak with them anyway so speaking with cashiers is a perfect time to practice. Say stuff like "Well it's not very busy today. Imagine that" and then take it from there. When you're leaving tell them "Thank you. Have a nice day". If you're at a party say "Dope shirt" "Nice dress etc" Never ask where they got it. The conversation will flow and you can always bail if you're starting to feel anxious. Have casual conversations with people like this as you go about your day. Talk to barista, bartenders, people while you're waiting for a train or your car at the mechanic. Hell, talk to the mechanic. "What car model do you work on the most?" stuff like that. when you do this enough you'll become sharp and your anxiety will plummet :-) Even if you're an introvert try this. It helps. Good luck :-)
If many people you meet struggle to hold a conversation with you... I mean, have you ever considered that what all these conversations have in common is that they are with you?
@@lonestarr1490 it’s not many people, it’s more of a handful of men that I’ve gone on dates with. When you ask questions and engage with a conversation and all you get in response are one word answers and no reciprocation, that’s a deal breaker for me 😂
The ‘open sharing’ description feels much more relatable to my conversation style than competition. I was thinking about conversations I’ve been in with questioners and how when that happens I get anxious about hogging space but then I want to be respectful and answer.
First books and now the psychology of men? I'm SAT 🙆🏻♀ (Side note: love your creativity! As a small Booktuber myself I love to see your editing and background music and general artistry in your videos. Thank you for being an inspiration!)
Open sharer girl here! I have ADHD and it seriously just isn’t intuitive for me to think of questions while also concentrating on the present conversation. Like genuinely I will replay the conversation LATER and THEN have questions. But believe me, I’m paying attention to you and I do keep little facts tucked away. I am also, of course, trying to be better about starter questions because I do know it’s important for some people, but for real, sometimes it’s so hard to know how to begin 😅
As a follow up this is all so interesting because I have always found it more intuitive to have a conversation with a man. Not a “I don’t have female friends” girl AT ALL but I do find conversation with them a lot more straightforward.
I love this video so much Leonie!! It’s made me think a lot about how I communicate and how those around me share their thoughts and feelings. I definitely have been in the category of “why am I the only one asking questions?” and this has opened up my perspective to why that might be the case sometimes. I feel like when I’m getting to know someone new I overthink the conversation and tend to lean towards being a questioner, but once I’m comfortable around someone the conversations tend to be a mix of open sharing and asking questions. This topic has so much nuance to it, and I love how you presented both sides of the story while still validating the frustrations of both!! Please do more like this :)
This video was a bit of a roller-coaster for me, and I'm glad I kept watching til the end. My first thought was the simple "I'm just trying so hard to seem worth this person's time, that all I can think about is whether they've already decided they want the date to end." But you addressed that aspect, and brought up other points. At some point, long ago, I heard or read a woman complain that her date kept asking her questions, like she was in a job interview. Ever since then, every time I want to ask a question, this voice in my head yells at me for being so boring and asking such stupid questions. So I either end up asking weird questions in the hopes of being original (which are probably way too heavy and personal, if not just chaotic neutral), or freeze up entirely without anything else to say. Or I try to share things in such a deliberately crafted way to hopefully get the other person talking, that I don't realize that what I just said isn't actually what I meant. So I was pretty defensive about the whole subject, like I wanted to interrupt and explain where this comes from. But then you got around to a much better explanation than I had -- that these are two different communication styles. I'm glad you pointed out that I should probably date someone compatible with my natural conversation style, but encouraged developing both.
From the point of view of the other side, if your not the most appealing guy, one can sometimes feel pressure to quickly build up a more pleasurable image before the woman can decide they can do better
in my experience some women will ask too many questions so fast that there's no room for me to ask questions back. Yes I ask questions if I get the chance. But i'm more "slow". More relaxed. And I take my time and also really listen
Can you imagine you went on a date with someone and thought it went great, but later see that they made a whole 30 minute youtube essay on why it sucked. I'm cackling 💀
I can relate from a man’s POV. The moment I ask questions two things happen: I lose track of time, or I get slightly detached from the task at hand and just start spewing out random shit that potentially may not relate to anything at all. So what I practice to this day still is try and open my ears, then that makes things easier when I want to start opening up. Since you also brought up languages, what are some of the basic fundamentals of learning a language? DING DING DING. Listening and speaking. So not only learning language that requires listening and speaking skills, dating in a way is like language learning, although it’s perceived in another kind of “language”.
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Same here. But the thing is. If I talk to much and ask things. Im being to on. And if I just ask and listening. Then Im not showing enough intrest. In that way im overthinking now on every date. And not being myself
I have the opposite experience, I have hobbies, and I’m passionate about those. I also ask girls questions about themselves and why they like what they like but they don’t expound or offer any real insight into their lives. Makes it very hard to connect with them.
Yeah I run into this too. I write music and make stuff in my free time. 90% of women I’ve been out with just work, watch tv, sleep, and go out for drinks.
Yes! most of the interactions I have both in person and messaging go down this way, and usually men are expected to lead the way and take charge it's just a subconscious thing that girls do so we have to come up with things on the fly, be adaptive.. one strategy is just throwing some stuff out there, hoping they'll chime in when asking them personal questions isn't working
I think self-reflection is such a healthy way to address problems like this in dating. Yes, they could ask more questions, but I could also be curious about their communication style and my own. Great video!
It was so refreshing to hear my perspective represented lol. I have gone out on hinge dates and have literally heard the feedback of “you didn’t ask me any questions” when the whole time I felt like when I did ask her questions she’d respond with super short answers. And that she actually was engaged when I was talking about myself?
Omg I am so glad that you are talking about this. I went on my first date with this guy a couple of days ago and don’t get me wrong, he was a cool guy but it just felt like I was making the most effort in getting to know him. Whenever he would ask questions, it would either be basic stuff like “What movies do you like to watch?” Or stuff related to him like “What did you think about me when I approached you?” (Which is so ew btw). I felt like he didn’t really put in the effort to get to KNOW me. I’ve mentioned multiple times that I was Filipino yet he still would get it wrong (he thought I was Philippines…Philippines is a country babe, I am Filipino not Philippines…). And even then, he never asked me about my life in the Philippines yet I know everything about his life in Arkansas. I got really frustrated when we were in the car together and it was just silent because I didn’t have any questions to ask him and during random times in the car ride, he would keep asking me “Sooo do you have any questions for me?” Sir do you have any questions FOR ME?!? It’s actually ridiculous.
A lot of men feel like they have to sell themselves because they already like you and the interest is not going to waver. But we know your interest might change if we don't interesting enough. If you want to share something about yourself or have something in your mind there is nothing wrong with volunteering it. Conversations aren't interrogations or interviews.
Gonna be honest, you sound like hard work and high maintenance. Ofc it was all this guy's fault that you had a bad time, nothing to do with your social skills. Anyway good luck to you and whoever you date.
I am a questioner, but it is amazing when someone DOESN'T ask me any questions. I welcome people who just talk, talk a lot, because I'm a Listener.I love listening a lot and be the one who asks question. Observation is my Power.
I wish you are my friend. I like to talk and you like to ask questions and is a listener. I don’t feel like you are interrogating me and you don’t feel that I have secrets to hide
As a guy, I can tell you that I would get nervous on dates before I met my wife. I met her online, and it's a little scary to meet someone you've effectively never truly seen. I think it's a confidence thing. It can be very nerve-wracking to ask questions to a stranger, but it's absolutely paramount to do so. I'd even practice some questions just to make sure I had some set in my head before I even went out. I wanted to make sure I showed interest and wasn't just a massive toad on a log. To be fair, though, some dudes are just no good for you. Don't settle for anything less than what you think you're worth. Love the content, Leonie! I hope you have some better luck in the dating world!
See your example shows that it can be done even if you're nervous and shy. You were self aware enough to plan ahead and think of questions beforehand, that's the smart and considerate thing to do! If you're on a date you at least expect the person to show a little interest in you, otherwise what's the point.
Not true. When men date non western women, they have lots of interaction and develop deep connection. Foreign women are fun and interesting to talk to and have authentic personality and interesting hobbies.
As a guy, who mostly have guy friends, I think most dudes won't ask questions on dates because they won't ask questions about people ever, that's just how most dudes talk. Almost every conversation I have with my boys is generaly about an especific topic or common interest between us, it's not uncommon that guys won't know information about their closest friends even after years of friendship, ask a guy about his friends lives and you'll see how clueless we are.
fair if that works for friends but I don't think dates work in the same way friendships do? dates are typically about getting to know each other and to do so you need to ask questions. asking questions is about making an effort for the person you're on a date with
Well ,you are not on date with your guys friends. If you are on date , you need to ask about other person's interests and hobbies If you are even interested in dating at all
I clicked on this video so fast. I’ve been on several dates and the vast majority of the time they learn literally nothing about me because they’re talking about themselves so much.
What a fascinating analysis! It reminded me a lot of the discourse in ADHD spaces around communication styles. I'm a questioner myself, but most of my (female, ADHD, like myself) friends are open sharers and people who respond to stories with their own stories. They wouldn't ask questions because they don't want to intrude. I've tried to adapt and share more openly - but then most people immediately interrupt me to share their own stories. I know they don't mean any harm and it would be ableist to judge them for it, but I feel exhausted and invisible at the end of these conversations. On a positive note, I have found other ADHDers who I can flow with and we talk through 'constructive interruptions', building upon each other's thoughts, rarely asking any questions because they aren't needed. It really all depends on showing empathy, and slightly adapting to the flow and finding a balance. I feel a lot also has to do with turn-taking in conversations. Not just how much speech overlaps, but also how long each contribution is. I can't really cope with monologuers, whereas they might find a ping-pong conversation overwhelming too. I know it's important to communicate openly about these things if you feel frustrated, but it can be really hard because you don't want people to feel bad about themselves.
As an (autistic) ADHDer, totally relate to all of this! It's rare to find someone the conversation can really flow with in that constructive interruptions way you describe but how amazing when it happens. I am a questioner by nature but when I get to know people better I'm more in that flow of just building on what each person says. Still, questions always pop up in my mind because I'm genuinely very curious!
Actually I used to be an open sharer but now i lean more towards questioning. In my mid 20s i had a friend who was a questioner and i always felt so valued when having conversations with him because he would ask me all these interesting questions! It made me wonder if i came off as self absorbed by not asking people similar questions. Around the same time, i also realized that not everyone has a right to know my business and i want to ascertain WHO I'm talking to before i open up, and that is a definitive advantage of asking questions. Once I'm really familiar with a person though I usually flow into a more open-sharing style of conversation, when we both already know the basics of "who" we are and it's time to update each other on the new stories in our lives. Lastly, i find that asking silly or random questions can be a great way to deal with awkward silences or boring situations, gets people to open up in ways where no one feels guarded, and can make you, the question asker, more memorable to those around you. My previous job has a shift schedule and in the wee hours of the morning when everyone is completely dead from the night shift, i would often start asking silly questions to raise morale, eg: do you believe in ghosts? Potato chips or french fries? What's the worst date you've ever been on? Would you rather be stranded on a mountain or lost in a jungle? Etc etc. It totally works, everyone cheers up and the time passes by more quickly. To sum it up, i really feel like asking questions is the more "socially intelligent" way to communicate for me so I changed. Anyone can change how they communicate with a little awareness!
Personally I just find question asking to be more direct. We don't live in a world that's honest, more often than not people tend to do things because they feel like they should do it, or to follow some kind of social convention. Therefore, if I was open sharing it's not always clear if the other person is actually enjoying themselves or if they're listening just to be polite. Meanwhile with question asking, it's very clear that you're interested in the other person and want to get to know them. So it feels much more comfortable to then go into more open sharing because if they've asked you questions, it's clear that they're interested in you. But if you start with open sharing, you're just running on the assumption that the other person is interested, instead of a clear sign that they are.
I don't mind asking other people open-ended questions (I'm a journalism major after all). However, what I feel most insecure about is the risk of turning a date or a friend meet-up into an interview or an interrogation. I don't think a lot of people, I included, like to be thrown on the spot especially when we might think that what we have to say might not be interesting for someone else. Just something for all of us to consider.
Asking things like, "Why do you feel that way" can elicit a wide variety of positive and negative response. Some people want to tell you, and some definitely don't want to verbalize it.
Men don't ask questions? Soo, have you ever been on dating apps? Where women invest zero initiative or energy in getting a conversation going? But, if that's how a woman behaves even before the date, then they're not gonna meet me in person. Why do you as a woman meet up with guys like that? As a guy, I've had experiences like this too, with the woman going on and on about herself, learning nothing about me. So we we need to ask ourselves: how did I get into this situation? Was there no way for me of tellling beforehand that this person is just self-involved and not interessted in a real connection? If we only check for superficial features like looks or occupation, but pay no attention to how they treat us, this is what we get. Narcissism is not a gendered problem.
great video, love seeing you branch into social topics! i’ve definitely found myself frustrated with what feels like a total lack of curiosity for my interior world in relationships, but I also relate to open sharing and not wanting to come across as prying so i’ve probably unintentionally appeared uncaring at times. language as it relates to our social relationships is truly so fascinating
I've had a similar experience when hanging out with a friend. When we would hangout they would mostly asked questions about me and I would tell a story, which would usually prompt more questions. The talks about their lives were usually shorter and packed at the start of the conversation. At some point it came up that we both felt like we were being a burden on the other in conversation. I was worried I wasn't asking enough questions and felt I wasn't asking interesting enough questions, they were worried they weren't contributing and were forcing me to talk too much. I think it's great to view dates as an opportunity to work on yourself, that seems like a very healthy mindset to take with you! I can imagine it takes away some of the sting if it doesn't end up leading anywhere.
I'd have to disagree strongly on the competitive and cooperative conversation styles, I think the "open-sharers vs question-askers" idea is much closer to what usually is going on. Men's conversations typically aren't structured as competitions; when they are it's noticeable (think pissing contests and one-upping each other), and these are typically very stupid. Similarly, women's conversations aren't always cooperative. I can't say for sure, since I only have first-hand experience as a man, but from what I understand passive-aggression, for example, is particularly common among women's social circles. What I personally think is behind the problems that Leo's talking about has more to do with a difference in how men typically approach first dates vs how women approach them. This was kind of touched on in the video, but a lot of men try to prove themselves worthy for a woman they're interested in. This can stem from any number of factors, but a competitive "market" for a woman's attention (by that I mean many men pursuing the same woman) is one of the biggest. If a man feels like a woman has other options, he'll instinctively feel the need to prove why he's "better" than the competition. Not to say that this is an appropriate way to talk with a woman, or anybody outside of maybe your boss, but nevertheless it's something that many men experience. It's important to note though that this unbalanced show of interest in the other person isn't an exclusively male vs female problem. One of my own dealbreakers in dating women is if she isn't able to reciprocate and express interest, because that's been a significant problem for me in my own dating life. That's part of why I believe it's not so much a male behavior vs female behavior problem, but a problem of sociability and social awareness. Those traits have traditionally been emphasized in women's upbringing and lacking in men's, though that's not an ironclad rule and, more importantly, it's something that can be fixed through learning and practice.
you're probably thinking this because you are, in fact, a guy. I've felt the same way reversed with my guy friends. every conversation is a competition, and if I don't raise my voice or play my cards right, I won't get a word in edgewise because they won't make any effort to include me. and yeah, women can be passive aggressive in conversations...if they're being passive aggressive. i think it's a matter of perspective and understanding, we just gotta meet in the middle
@@idk_a_plant Perhaps it looks like a competition from your standpoint, but not to the guys in the group who are conversing? The matter of a competition can be interpreted subjectively amongst different groups of people.
@@Missile_Crab Guys also need to know that you can have their back, so one-upping (along with teasing, pranks, etc) is a way of testing this. Jordan Peterson recounted a story in the book 12 Rules for Life where a city boy went to the Canadian Oil fields for work; he lasted 2 months because the other men there would constantly sh*t test him since they need to know if he can be counted on to be part of the team and have each other's back in such a harsh environment. He thought he was being bullied and singled-out when in reality he was being tested.
Love how in depth you went with this topic and possible solutions. Even though I am in a relationship this perspective is useful to consider in friendships aswell
The video was posted 19 minutes ago, video is 30+ minutes long and people started yapping right from the beginning. I haven't even seen the video yet (like most other people who already have responded before me) but wow the comments are WILD already. Especially because she gives a disclaimer around the 6th minute. Some people clearly aren't even watching the video. 🙄
Lol exactly. And maybe those people are the open sharers? 😂 The gender based issue like the men who aim for dominance in convo while the women aim for solidarity definitely have some value, but i don't think most conversation work that way today. I prefer The open sharers vs questioners theory to explain this phenomena. In my life, more men are the questioners and more women are the open sharers (the difference isn't that high, close to 50/50 actually). I'm a man and i'm a question asker and i've dated a woman who is an open sharers. She could talk about herself for hours lol. But, before (or after) she told me about herself, she usually ask "how was your day?" And that's it. I knew about her childhood trauma, her complicated relationship with her mother and her abusive ex, while she only knew about where was i before i met her 😂
bro fr, so many guys are complaining about specific instances about women being horrible n it's like. my brother in christ she is One Person (also very interesting how many men have said they've encountered the same problem women have in conversations, I never hear about that)
While I agree there's definitely people commenting off of the title, not the video. Her disclaimer was "not all men". When the truth is that it's both men and women. But our personal experiences and who we ask tend to give us a bias. And that could've been explained better earlier.
I think you've cracked it. As a trans woman who grew up as a boy with mostly male friend groups, I have been saying that this is an issue of differences in communication style. In male groups, nobody is ever waiting to be handed a ball to speak. You just catch the ball when it's up in the air. I'm personally more of a "speak when spoken to" kind of person when it comes to new unfamiliar people, but once I'm comfortable with someone (which can take a while) I'll adopt the more assertive mode.
As a man, it's pretty common to avoid any intimacy, where I've found women tend to drill down. Trust is built in mens groups by respecting those boundaries, especially at work. That being said, I think a lot of men want to share, but it usually takes a couple years or a couple drinks :/
yup! you've got it, when with my guy friends sometimes one of us is quiet and is maybe disinterested in the topic at hand, we check out then chime in when something relatable pops up, I don't wait around for my turn, I actively throw myself in there and interrupt sometimes lol I either need to seize the opportunity because they are about to change topics or I have something funny to say
This is a general problem with dating apps. Many men who appear interesting based on their profile picture or bio often have narcissistic traits, which can lead to such dynamic on dates. On the other hand, my straight male friends often say that their dates seem indifferent to their hobbies and passions. I think this is not a problem specific to men or women, but rather a result of how dating apps can distort our perception of the people on the other side of the screen. upd: The main topic of the video is also very interesting. The dynamics of conversation are like a universe in themselves. I hope to see more videos about sociology in the future.
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Yes because as a man you need to put a lot of work on your profile. To even get any matches. So you create likea persona of yourself. Its more like a job interview
Yeah the only thing I've been asked consistently is what I do for work, and if they are bold, how much money I make. I rarely get asked about interests even though I have so many hobbies :( Like I hate my job, don't ask so much about it.
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@@LastMinuteGuess thats how i feel. Also when I say what I work whit (im a mailman). I feel im being judged for not having a surten proffession
From a 58 yo woman…men very much want their female date/gf/wife to be interested and involved with their hobbies. An example: my husband wants and needs me to be very interested in his love affair with Harleys. He feels hurt when I don’t want to go to weekend rally. However, my interests of sewing and gardening are so boring to him and should I try to even tell him something for 10 minutes about sewing or gardening he will suddenly have a pressing issue he must attend to. Would my hubby ever go to a quilting show with me? NO! Yet my not spending an entire weekend at a Harley rally is akin to complete marriage betrayal. I have come to believe men actually want to date and marry themselves, only with high heels on.
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@@LibraryLizard idk about other men. But I usally go on dates with women that share my interests. I want someone to share it with. But I can also compromise if I started liking a person thats different to me. It feels like you and your husband have different things you value important to you. And he should really make an effort, if you are. Or you both have to compromise. Idk relationships are hard. But not all men are like this. And also a lot of men are. I think its based on that he wants to spend time with you.
As a guy who has been on hundreds of first dates in my many years of dating, I've never had any issue coming up with questions to ask, but when my date doesn't follow up with any in return or give me leading answers that spark more conversation, it just becomes me interviewing them and that's no fun for anyone. I'm sure there were times, especially early on, that I was doing a poor job at asking questions, but it really just seems like some people are there for a free meal sometimes. I'm so glad to have found a partner that I cherish and can enjoy conversation with every day. It beats the hell out of first dates with strangers.
I used to be that guy, always wondering why my dates never went well. Then, I went on a date with a girl who acted just like me-she just kept talking and talking about herself. Not everything, but way too much. After that date, it hit me: my brain wasn’t even remotely curious about her because there was no mystery. I didn’t even wonder if we’d be a good match because there were no gaps in her story for me to think about or see where I’d fit in. And to top it off, she texted me right after, the next day, and on and on. It was a real eye-opener. P.S. I really wish you'd make another video in Dutch!
yeah I am the type that puts all my cards on the table, I am genuine and love to share things I am into but it pisses me off to share so much about myself, lay myself bare and vulnerable only to never hear from them again, it makes me want to just give up entirely, makes you feel like shit ya know? then they go off with losers and punks who are into fast cars or some stupid shit
I wanted to share my experience. So, I was in a situationship with a dude, it was long-distance, and as stupid as it was, I had feelings for him. Still do. He would want to talk to me every single day, and I would always be the only one coming up with topics to discuss, and the only one to ask questions. He claimed I was "the smartest woman" he'd ever known, and I wholeheartedly believe him, even now. That emptiness he had inside, desperately trying to fill it up with anything that would give him emotional boost is... Substantial. I remember he said how adorable I was, when I wanted to ask him "just one more question", and then ask five more in a row. He loved how curious I was. At the end, it started taking a toll on my mental health, because he was draining me for my emotions and curiousity, for my childlike wonder, especially because he was a foreigner, and I had feelings for him, and I really-really-really wanted to get to know him. And you know what? He couldn't remember anything about me. He once told me he'd been to hundreds of concerts. He would go to several gigs per week, because he liked it. When I go to a concert, I don't want to go anywhere afterwards. Too many people, too many emotions, too many different energies. Just too much. For him, it was never enough. He is empty inside. He squeezed my soul out like a lemon, enjoying the attention I was giving him, while I was mentally dying. Partially because I felt so drained, and partially because I wanted to be as much of a wonder for him as he was for me. Girls, guys, please, always - and I mean ALWAYS - remember how valuable you are. Never let anyone treat you this way.
I'm really sorry you felt that way...as a Man i experienced similar cases with plenty of women that in opposite, they always said to me they liked my patience and how i showed genuine interest In them as a person, asking them how they felt about it and not only what happened In their lifes, usually they shared intimate secrets and i did the same cause i felt comfortable, but as Time passes i saw the difference In their responses compared to my and i started to ote the lack of interest In engaging to know More about me, only reaching to ask me questions they only we're interested and i reciprocated digging More, when i wanted to share the same and expect similar interest In digging deeper...i receive nothing...or just short and superficial questions or reaction like "ohh that's too bad", the worst parte was when i noticed they started to repeat questions i already answered with full details un previous convos, when i always remembered and noted the important details of their lives and follow up throught, i got nothing or too Little In return.
Sounds exhausting indeed. It seems their issue might have been that they were so much of an airhead that they became cursed to fill their head, for as fleeting of a moment as it would before it would fizzle away and need re filing again, forevermore.
If I heard a man describe a woman as "empty inside" because she likes gigs and experiences, I'd think that man is pretty judgemental to a woman who just prefers different things. Just date someone with similar interests. "I wanted to ask him "just one more question", and then ask five more in a row... and I really-really-really wanted to get to know him" It sounds like you were the one who wanted to ask many questions, but then you portray him as the one demanding this as if he's "draining" you of curiosity. It might be that you just interact through questions, and that's okay! Also the way you mention that you had feelings, it seems that you think he didn't. If he wanted to call you everyday then he definitely cared about you - that's more than most men or women in committed relationships!
I cannot tell you how many women I've met on dating apps who just talk about themselves or only answer questions but don't ask me anything. It's not specific to genders... Its a personality type trait. One that's not for me, reciprocity is much more attractive to me.
A tip to those looking in the comment section because they're distraught by the beginning portion of the video, give it a try. It's not a man hating video. I just noticed the amount of dislikes is all and having watched the entire video I don't think that's valid, other than by what I wrote above this. For me I noticed more so as an observeration that this might be a man hating video by the beginning portion. But your demeanor, tone and choice of words had me curious about where the video was going, and I certainly don't regret having watched it all the way through. It was a nice and thought-provoking listen. Paused it sometimes to discuss with myself what I thought of what you were talking about in the moment. Like when the comparison was made that women's conversation is cooperative and men's is competitive. I didn't recognize myself in that as a man. Then I tossed and turned the topic and concluded that it is a matter of perspective. Although I do recon by the last portion of the video, that I'm more of an asker, in which as is implied in the video that men would typically be open talkers, maybe I don't at all have the perspective of a man as I thought I would by what's in ma pants. I thought of an analogy of a duel. Naturely the analogy is from myself as a man, a duel made sense. The man enters the duel (conversation) forcing himself to be more cooperative, suppressing his competitive nature. He takes out a knife and stabs himself in the gut before the duel commences. He lowers the chance of himself 'winning'. This goes against his tendency of seeking to perform as best he can (against a man he expects his opponent to have this same tendency, and would therefor not need to stab himself). The woman entering this competitive plane of a duel (this part of the analogy doesn't transfer over, as conversation, explained in the video and meant to be exemplified in this analogy is neither innately cooperative or competitive), realizes that her opponent is more accustomed to this type of exchange, she thereby forces herself to come up with underhanded methods in order for there to be hope of a fair duel. She lowers the risk of herself 'losing'. This goes against her tendency of wanting to bring forth the best in the other person (against a woman she expects her opponent to have this same tendency, and would therefor not need to for example; throw sand in the opponents face). It is a matter of perspective. In accordance to the analogy, opposing the same gender in a duel. The woman doesn't feel that by being cooperative she is lowering her chances of 'winning', and the man does not feel that by being competitive he is "forced" to try his best in order to have a chance of 'winning'. It feels natural, their typical respective ways, to both genders.
Unstructured brain vomit ahead: I am an open-sharer. Asking questions is really hard for me. It feels like it stops the flow of the conversation, almost unnatural. I have started giving a disclaimer before dates that I struggle to come up with questions and I'm not disinterested, just autistic, and that I'd welcome it if they interrupt me if they have something that relates to my thing even in the loosest sense of the word. I have learned to do the occasional "and what about you". Another thing I ask is "what are you passionate about? please go into as much excruciating detail as you desire". The thing is that this often doesn't work with the type that asks questions. They will give very short answers that make it impossible to start an actual flowing conversation. Maybe it's the Autism but I really do feel socially stunted when a person doesn't share anything freely without me asking specifically for that information. Honestly, other AuDHD people, who are often open sharers, are the easiest to talk to and we'll have lively, hours long conversations without having to ask a single question apart from clarification/details.
Its crazy society pretty much tells men their achievements are their entire worth. As someone very new to dating I've talked to 3 guys so far, the first one asked a lot of questions, but in a way that felt like he was comparing himself to me and he seemed disheartened that i was more "interesting" than him? Second guy didn't really ask me questions first but did reciprocate most things i asked. But even still it didnt seem like he cared what my answers were, he'd acknowledge what i said briefly then move on. Third guy was like a happy medium. We both asked things and compared our personalities, without him feeling insecure about which one of us was more interesting or achieved. He mainly grew up around women which is interesting to note.
I strongly suspect that when a lot of the psychological studies mentioned say ‘men’ what they really mean is ‘American men’. I think the American conception of masculinity is heavily shaped by their history and other cultures won’t necessarily view it the same way.
This video was so interesting! I have never heard of these different communication styles before, and now my social dynamics with my friends make a lot more sense! This is actually really cool and more ppl should talk about it. Thanks for sharing!
Great video! It's funny, when you're in school to be a therapist you learn how to ask a questions and reflect information according to a certain rhythm , like 2 questions, one reflection kind of thing (as well as how to track a conversation). You kinda learn how to have a conversation on manual mode instead of automatic. They also make you watch recordings of yourself in sessions which can be kinda excruciating but it's useful to draw attention to your own tendencies.
Open sharer here: a strategy that’s helped me so much is: when someone’s story makes me think of a tangential thing I want to share, I hold back and turn that idea into a question for the other person. I’ll often share what I’d originally thought of after I listen to the other person’s response. this has been amazing for learning how to ask better questions
Can you give some examples on how you turn your thoughts into questions?
Could you explain it better?
Not sure If I get it
@@darthtepes575 I think I kinda do a similar thing!
Guy: *shares story where he got embarrassed*
Me: omg something similar happened to me, are you a person who can laugh at past embarrassments or does it still sting?
Guy: yeah, I’ve always been able to laugh about crazy stuff…wait tell me your embarrassing thing.
This is usually how the conversation goes.
@@octaviaschmude1070 Yes exactly!
@@octaviaschmude1070 exactly. it's what a natural flowing conversation is. not a bunch of question like you're answering an interview.
As a guy, didn't know about this. Only been on one date my entire 24 year life and I definitely asked and returned questions. It's this thing an etiquette coach said, "a conversation is like a tennis match. You send the ball back and forth. It's no fun when someone holds onto the ball the entire time."
I hope you find an engaging young woman to share your life with!☺️
I know, right? Fellow man right here and I thought that was common sense.
@@511.Maximus it is, the woman making this is just a f$mcel
you see the kinds of creatures saying obsurdity on the internet? of course they don't know how to hold a conversation.
That’s why you’ve only been on one date
imaging fumbling a date so hard a TH-cam channel switches up genres just to roast you
Me when I don't finish the video.
@thew0rm105 Best reply ever!!
Ohh damn I didn't even realize ahahah 😅 this is a book channel
Poor guy, he just wanted to meet his next partner and this girl went "I'm gonna destroy your entire self with this one! Who cares who I hurt, am I not cute!?" while sitting in front of him.
@@ulizez89She’s commenting on an interesting social phenomenon that a lot of women can relate to and similarly find frustrating. I don’t think she’s concerned about targeting this individual man or whether or not he regards her as cute. Did you even watch the video?
A lot of people in the comments bringing up how they have dated women and they haven’t asked any questions and this is not a man-only problem. But that is what half of the video IS about. I think it was interesting to have the male vs femal conversation strategies in the first half (bc in some cases this can be a part of the story). However, I truly find that the open sharer vs questioner part is the HEART of this conversation. In essence, what I got from this was to step outside of your ”natural” conversation strategy every now and again and try to engage with people in different ways. This goes for both men and women. People who are not good communicators come in all forms. Just actively try to become a better communicator, that’s it.
this exactly!!!!
Right, and silently waiting for someone to do something so that you then in turn can do what _you_ want to do too is a nice and neat little way to blame everyone else for being the problem, for not reading your mind. If you’re making a judgement on someone for not allowing you to be yourself the way you like, that’s a you problem girly. NOW- if you’re making making yourself clear and describing what you want or don’t want in that moment (not expecting them to remember or make the connection from another situation) and someone still chooses to defy or deny that, then sure. But just don’t spend your life waiting for people to get the hint, because they won’t. If you’re complaining and your sentences are all starting with “I just thought that” or “I was waiting for” or “they should have” it’s time to re-evaluate.
Exactly! I'm a woman and I don't think I'm a questioner unless the other person is genuinely not sharing anything, but it always makes me feel like they just don't want to talk to me when they don't volunteer info, and I never considered that they may just feel like they need to be questioned to share, so it was interesting for this video to bring that up bc i learned something new for sure.
yeah she really cooked here. Was listening to it and as I thought the video was almost over I check and I'm not even halfway through 😁
People are way too comfortable commenting on videos they haven't watched the whole way through, thinking they've got all of what the poster wanted to talk about
I'm a man and I have the opposite problem. I'll ask people about themselves just to make conversation, but they will NEVER ask anything about me.
Not much of a man then, are you?
Crazy how we'd never say 'not much of a woman, are you?'.
@@marcusaurellius8755. That comment was pretty offensive, huh? There are numerous women that don’t engage in conversation at all. It is exhausting to have to carry the conversation.
😂😂 get your "offensive" BS elsewhere. Why don't You Say the same about "not much of a man"?@@mafp22w
Yeah it's weird, annoying actually. I ask questions in hope it starts a conversation. It gets weird for me when they in turn dont share or ask any questions. Then I'll try to share an experience hoping they'll chime in and get nothing. Makes feel like damn i guess I'll shut up then
This open sharer vs questioner idea has made me realize one reason why I have such a hard time carrying on a conversation - I am a combination of the two in the worst possible way. I don't feel comfortable asking other people questions because it feels too forward and prying, but I also don't feel comfortable openly sharing things about myself without being asked because I assume the other person wouldn't be interested unless they've asked. This leads quickly to conversation death unless I happen to be talking someone who is both happy to openly share about themselves and ask me questions about myself.
Described my feelings to a T. 🙏
That's kind of how I felt listening to this video as well, but then it got me thinking. I believe that I am naturally an over sharer. But I have been taught to feel insecure about that part of me. I've been taught over time that sharing in that way is taking over the conversation, even though internally my goal is to get the other person to share in return.
Same here.
I'd consider myself an open sharer BUT I felt this 😂 I sometimes feel uncomfortable both ways
Same!!
The swan princess is ever topical. So timeless.
-"You are all I ever wanted. You are beautiful".
-"Thank you. But what else?"
-"What else is there?"
"You should write a book: How to Offend Women in Five Syllables or Less".
And even this guy proved his love in the end 😄
-"Looks like you've lost your queen Derek."
-"That's twice in one day!"
Yo the movie was teaching us.
@@LittleMissTotoro Roger is the best
@@Joe-sg9llwhat on earth are you even saying right now
Studies show a lot of men have 0 friends and 0 dates. I think what is happening is some guys are so happy to be talking with someone they word vomit.
The lonely word vomit is a very real thing, post-pandemic especially. Going through the lockdowns as a woman, I was on video calls with my girlfriends as often as we could arrange them, whereas my husband just talked to me until in-person meetups started up again.
The zero friends part is the real issue. Men can call a guy their best friend and know nothing about him because they're actually not close at all outside of hanging out sometimes. That's not a real friend, but most male friendships seem to be like that.
This is a very underrated comment.
:(
@@PlaceholderName-b4d That's definitely a thing with a lot of guys who met people through specific interests like gaming, where you're mainly just engaging in the activity itself when you get together. Interests are still the most reliable way to make friends, especially in this age with third spaces on the decline, so it's a tough nut to crack.
I'll have to think on this, but a similar topic I love is "vocal pause" which is usually regional. It's how long of a pause after you finish a thought before you expect the other person to jump in and respond (or the silence starts feeling awkward).
People with mismatched vocal pauses can finish a conversation with one thinking the conversation went so fast and continuous they never got an opportunity to speak, while the other feels like there were so many awkward pauses but the other never contributed to the conversation.
My husband and I are matched, so when one of us pauses after a thought, we'll both speak at once trying to start the next topic.
Growing up in an immigrant family I found this difficult. The pause pattern and speed of speech at home and at school was completely different.
my best friend and i grew up in the same area, but i pause waiting for the other person to talk (and will continue my thought if they dont), and she never did. we were friends for YEARS and then one day she got so annoyed at me mid conversation and yelled "I want to talk now! It's my turn, you aren't letting me get a word in edgewise!" and i was so confused, i was like "I took multiple pauses waiting for you to speak" and she said "Girl, those were BREATHS". 😂but we've learned - i take longer pauses, and she is more confident about speaking up. everyone's happy.
That's a really good point! My sister has Auditory Processing Disorder, and has to think for a good 4 or 5 seconds after a question is asked of her before answering it. We've all had to get better at literally counting the seconds of silence. After 10 seconds, she might have gotten distracted, so it's okay to re-ask THEN. If you're not used to it, 10 full seconds after every paragraph of speech is ROUGH. But having a literal number to tell people can help, just going with "more or less" can take multiple rounds to get right.
Omg ive wondered about this, I've felt like I I'm constantly interrupting my partner but I feel like I'm interjecting at the right time? Like she is more accepting of longer pauses than I am, I never considered it in this way!
And yes we're both multicultural from different corners of the world.
Idk. As a bi woman, I have had this problem on dates with men and women. Not saying it might not be more prevalent with men but I think this is a larger society problem more than a man vs woman one.
THISSS, I've had to carry full conversation with both men and women
It's just different personalities and chemistries we have with people in general. Some friends I have I am really quiet with and others I can be very talkative and really vibe with
Exactly. Differences being, is that legions of women will bring it out on Toktok and social media and whine about it. Sorry for the lack of suggar. And guys will keep it for themselves and won't poor it out on the net. In fine, the magnifying glass of the internet, and the 'Iceberg' problem amplifies the idea of well-spread behaviors or opinion, and build them into a trend in the social psyche. But that doesn't make it anymore true, ofc. Believe me, there are legions of men going on dates, unable to utter a word, while having to hear all about the inner world of their female date.
Young lady, I could only humbly advise you to research with a broader spectrum. Not only from the US psycho curiculum lieterature, and if I may, or only from literature written by women. Just like you should not read only literature writen by men on matters of genders either. Oh boy, we're a long way from home.
Cheers
And another post deleted by utub coded god. So, bis repetita, I agree with you. o_0
But isn't that basically what the "questioner vs. open sharer" part is about? 🤔 It's not divided by gender but communication ways.
“Why don’t men ask questions on dates?”
Bold of you to assume I go on dates 😂👌🏻
Not All Men I guess
@@Ouuuuulalaaaaa Not even most lol
@@Ouuuuulalaaaaayeah , you're kinda selecting for men who are both self confident enough to ask women out on dates , and look intresting enough to not be rejected ...
Of course you get pompous self centered peeps , ask guys out and maybe you'll be surprised
Don't, it's not worth it
lmaoooooo
I personally feel like this is entirely on personality and not on sex. I definitely know men that cant stop talking and I can only imagine how they are on dates, but Ive also seen women on dates that will never shut up.
It is an issue not related to any gender but to people in general, but people love to be sexist and bash the opposite sex for whatever they find, even if it is an unisex issue. I guess because when people date only men they only build up resentment towards men and vice versa for men dating women and building resentment for those bad experiences.
My friend went on a date recently and the guy didn’t ask her a single question. When he asked her out again and she said no, he was shocked. “I thought we had a good time,” he reasoned. She said “dude, you didn’t try to get to know me at all.” His reply? With complete earnesty he said “oh, sorry. I just thought you really wanted to talk about me. You asked me so many good questions.” 🙃
It is really terrible that it didnt even occur to him that he should also show some interest in her 😮
"Yes, it is called 'getting to know someone'. You should try it sometimes."
The guy could use some reflecting.
Here's what I've discovered. Some people are really great at asking good questions. They're altruistic and usually great communicators. The guy sensed that and appreciated it immensely. He, on the other hand, can work on his communication and needs to be guided by this woman. I think it's great that he communicated and while he was completely oblivious I think he's become aware that he needs to ask questions. His sincerity might just hint that he may be willing to put in the effort in the future. Is she gonna give him a chance? He might be weak in communication but great at other things. It's her call to make. Unless he's a self-centered prick, poor communication is not a red flag if the person is sincere. I think she should give him another shot then decide what she wants to do.
@@veiscommunication is a muscle that needs to be flexed in order to grow. I believe in second chances,but not thirds.
@@veisObviously meeting people and talking to them makes you realise both good and bad things about yourself, but I wouldn't want to go on a second date just to teach him things he could just as well learn himself.
I also believe that women and men have different goals when they go on a date.
While women may be a little bit reserved and on guard they probably first want to know what kind of person they are meeting and they ask themselves "Is this the right person for me?" So they tend to ask more questions.
While the man might think "Oh this is a pretty girl. I for sure like her for that! Now I have to impress her in order for her to like me back" So they tend to talk about themselves a lot and try to show her what an interesting man he is.. and failing, cause they just seem like big braggers lol
I think you nailed it. For many women, you need to make sure that you are safe with this person, so you are interested but cautious to open up yourself because of the power dynamics. You evaluate the guy to look out for signs of self-absorbedness, self-centeredness (which is a big red flag if you'd ever end up in bed - who would want someone who only takes care of their own needs, thinks about themself? god awful dynamics to be extended). For men, they are not in the position to be potentially physically unsafe in any date, so they do not have to make sure that they won't be taken advantage of or that the date might turn into something unsafe. That is spoken in a context of straight relationships. Men seem to be failing to take into account patriarchy when dating. They need to prove themselves as emotionally and physically safe first to able to meet their partner's emotional needs. Sure, you are also expected to make your ends meet and not be an addict of some sort but dating is about potential to establish emotional conection. Who cares how many cups the guy has won in some hobby competitions of theirs or in some other thing they are interested in. For many of us, we couldn't care less about all this material and technical achievements because we are interested in the emotional core of the human being sitting opposite us. Sexist mindset against women as equals for sure isn't what we want to find there.
I'm not like this at all, I ask many questions when going on a date with a woman 🤷🏻. And there were also women who didn't ask me many questions....
And this is the bro dating advice they get from other dudes, impress her, pickup lines--oh yeah girls always say they want funny guys, show off how witty you are dude!
In a mixed friend group, I had to steer an introverted male friend away from this approach getting pushed by the other guys to asking her questions about her interests when he was asking for advice on getting and keeping a conversation going. Goodness, the guys' advice was terrible. Hence why I never dated any of them probably lol.
@@thegnome73In my opinion it's important for men to have female friends. Some incels say that friendship between men and women is impossible, but they are the same men who would put themselves first at any occasion and brag with each other about how many women they "collected" with their manipulative behavior.
A woman friend would certainly give better advices on how to approach a dating setting and a woman befriending a man, also shows that the guy is interesting beyond his physical qualities.
"I hope he doesn't SA and murder me" vs. "I hope she isn't a 'golddigger' who laughs at me"
As a questioner (and a man too) and because I’m an introvert I feel like when I start a conversation with someone I ask questions to avoid being socially anxious, it helps with the conversation flow but sometimes I feel down or disappointed when the other person doesn’t ask questions or be interested in knowing more, like you said maybe they are an open sharers and they expect the other person to also open share, but I also feel like it’s important for open sharers to also recognize the type of person they are talking to, both sides of the conversation should be aware and maybe adapt accordingly.
Loved the idea of this video so much, it was informative and made me realize the type of person I really am.
guy here and same. Very socially anxious. I always asked questions or followed up on questions on dates. I don't wanna hear myself talk and I don't think I'm that interesting. If you're attracted to someone wouldn't you just want to hear them talk about themselves instead of just ramble about yourself?
@@Zectifinwoman here lol. And a talker. I’d like to note that, just like you will anxiously ask questions, there are people that will anxiously yap. Some do both, even.
@@Babygreen_manI think this is the core of this issue. I don't think it's really a gender thing at all. Some people like to talk and some like to listen. A conversation is about finding a happy medium though.
@@amysteriousviewer3772 completely agree. I wasn’t defending people that dominate the conversation with their talking. I know I’m an anxious talker(questions and yapping). Knowing this I make a very conscious effort to rein myself in and keep the conversation balanced. Chatters just always seem to get dogpiled so I figured I’d throw in a different perspective. My point was just that, people that talk a lot aren’t necessarily doing it because they “aren’t interested in others” or because they “think they are so interesting”.
22:35 What you're describing with the sharers vs questioners reminds me very strongly of the established differences in social communication observed between autistic and allistic populations. Of course there are many autistic people who ask questions in conversation, but in my reading and observation I've found that the most common (and for me, most comfortable) way that autistic folk get to know people is a style of conversation where open sharing is used to invite others into the discussion, show comprehension or express commiseration. This doesn't always work too well in cross neurotype conversations, though - there's a great study on what's been dubbed ‘the double empathy problem’ examining autistic-allistic communication differences that you might find interesting.
I was thinking this exact thing !
Yep! As an autistic and adhd individual, my way of getting to know someone is by doing 'double empathy' to share my own similar experiences as well as hear them out on theirs. I share my topics of interest and my life and I do ask questions although i will admit that unless you're able to keep up with me, you probably won't get a word in. I am working on this but honestly talking to other ND individuals, or people (like my bestie) who aren't autistic but GET how i communicate, they know I love them and while i do talk alot, i am also extremely interested in listening to them. So, it really depends on the person I am talking to and their communication style, and how comfortable they are with me. I have in the past been accused of 'not asking questions' or 'only talking about myself' (real or imagined from their point of view) So that's why i'm trying harder to (while still being my true self) ALSO make sure to keep space for the other person. And yes, other autistic ppl i know, struggle with the exact same thing and i do call them out on it lol. (lovingly)
I wasn't familiar with the double empathy problem before, so thank you for bringing it up! I was familiar with some of the ideas behind it (difficulties in socializing between autistic and allistic people often occur because of difficulty in both parties understanding each other, not just because of the autistic person's "shortcomings"), but looking into this provided some really interesting information and nuance! So thank you for giving me another research rabbit hole to jump down haha
Literally just went to comment this! Anecdotally, it seems neurodivergence may correlate to being an open sharer.
It's not just the questioners vs. sharers, or vertical vs. horizontal. It's so much more.
I'm a woman who has worked 4+ years in a women-only workplace, and then 5+ years in predominantly men (+me for funzies).
Disclaimer: It's not an American or even English speaking culture so differences may occur.
So notable observations:
- women tend to choose topics that have direct relation to them. As in relationships of members of a group. Or discuss a shared situation (it's a workplace after all). And Men tend to choose topics around ideas and situations more broadly. Sometimes the bigger the better (So Global Politics over someone's relationship)
- Women and men have a very different definition of personal boundaries. So women could perceive solutions to situations they discuss as overstepping (if they didn't specifically ask for it). While men tended to see questions about their feelings as overstepping (again, if they didn't share any).
- Criteria of whether conversation or discussion went well is also quite different. Big notable difference is whether some conflict has occurred (both physical and words only) and how it's perceived. You can guess which group thinks what about this.
The list goes on...
I notice your comment received far fewer likes and yet it's one of the more measured, informed ones. But in any case, another point I'd add is that, men TEND to view questions asked or problems laid out with the purpose of needing a solution. If you don't want men to offer a solution, never bring up a problem around them.
omg i'm living with mostly men right now while volunteering in a hostel and i've noticed this!! the male volunteers as a group all they talk about is sports. very rarely if ever any life things. if i'm talking with them one on one that will come up probably because i lead the conversation tehee. when women guests come, we get such a deep understanding of each other so quickly it's so funny
I’m very confused by “criteria”
What group thinks what about conflict?
@@SpinningSideKick9000 well. Aside from the fact that the definition of conflict is also quite different (it takes more open confrontation for man to label it a conflict).
For women - 8/10 times conflict is a no no, and if it had occurred the talking didn't end well. Reasons range from 'unladylike' and 'it was supposed to be a support group' to 'conflict is outright dangerous'.
For men, even if conflict had occurred but they had won it - everything went fairly well.
@@maryn6792 Oh, very true.
Still not sure how that would apply to a date. I do notice that ladies apologize a lot, so maybe they’re more averse to conflict than I gave thought to 🤔
Leo crossing over from books to my only other interests, psychology and sociology? LETS GOOOOOOO
I loved this video essay. What a fantastic topic.
Psychology, anthropology, and writing a book with a female protag. I love the deep dive while also feeling awful that it's so common.
had the same reaction, I’d love for the exploration of more social / psychological themes ! :^)
And linguistics!
It's nice but it's hard to get right. A single book, a couple of studies, etc doesn't not make something true. Nor do anecdotes. And the plural of anecdotes isn't data. So just pointing out comments from the internet some articles that already agree with you is a bit.....eh. Questioner vs sharer and the other things she mentioned in this video aren't considered gospel in the field of psychology.
As an introvert open sharer, I have only two mods : silently listening to the other person in awe, and oversharing. I just don't know how to ask questions, simply because I don't know if the question I'm about to ask is too personal or if it can trigger something unpleasant. I grew up among secretive people, gathering pieces of informations by observing and listening and then stitching them all together as a data base.
When I share things about myself, it's me showing I feel comfortable enough to be vulnerable. It's me being true.
But even if I don't ask question, I am gathering every trinkets of information about the other one and cherish it. I won't ask about your pet, but if you mention your cat, I will ask about it next time we see each other because I noticed it was a subject you were willing to talk about.
Being introvert and shy are 2 different things.
Introvert people prefer to be alone, doing alone stuff, get tired in middle of people.
Shy people are afraid
@@hugoantunesartwithblender Yeah so? I don't see your point, are you mansplaining my introversion?
Omg same here!
I am also autistic so I am so bad at communicating
A guy i was talking to mentioned that I never asked questions and I felt really bad
That’s when I realised dating wasn’t for me 😭😭
heyy so not to diagnose you or anything, but that kinda sounds like autism!! you may look into it, if you talk about using information as a database and also being quiet or oversharing^^
@@amani5685 I feel you. I always feel so bad afterward...
I'm a guy, and I noticed i did this recently with a girl who was interested in me and asking a lot of questions, so I tried to figure out why. What I realized is women who volunteer information about themselves give me something to hook onto and I will ask questions, but if the woman jumps straight into asking me "dating/mating" style questions, I go into this mode where I feel like I'm being interrogated and eventually become annoyed. Also, men are not taught to be aggressive. We are taught that no one cares if we are sad, then we notice that people definitely pay attention once we get angry.
Also, I really enjoyed this video. I always thought about it as introverted/extroverted, but it's more nuanced than that. I'm an introvert but an open-sharer, which seems almost contradictory
"Also, men are not taught to be aggressive. We are taught that no one cares if we are sad, then we notice that people definitely pay attention once we get angry."
This? That's you being taught.
Teaching doesn't only take the form of "someone sits you down and explains a set of rules". Teaching is also "you get a better response to a specific pattern of behaviour, so you do that behaviour more. You have unconsciously learned (through the actions of others) a non-spoken rule"
@littledewdroplets I was waiting for this exact response, but there's a nuance there. One is a direct teaching, and one is an adaptation.
@@greypolar2720 And your point is? At the end of the day, what matters? The textbook definition of a word, or understanding how children are learning patterns of behaviour that affects them and everyone around them for the rest of their life so we can influence that learning better?
@littledewdroplets The "understanding" involves understanding the nuance. Being "taught" vs "adaptation" gives a hint as to the cause, and therefore, the solution.
As a man who has only dated women, I have found this exact same problem but the women never ask me questions. The entire conversation is me asking questions to try and get to know them and truly get to know the person. I dont think this is a gender problem. I think its a narcissistic problem from people who only wanna talk about themselves. It's so bad that when I find a girl who asks me questions about myself I'm dumbfounded cause it seems like nobody gives a shit anymore
They all probably thought you were a creep because of it, too
Found the incel!
@@TheSim1derfulWhat? The person you’re responding to literally stated this is a problem that affects both men and women and the final sentence is literally praising women.
+ 1 upvote
This shows how people throw around labels. "Narcissistic", "Incel"?? Nothing he said was insulting to women specifically.
Some people tell stories, some people ask questions. I, personally, find question and answer a boring way to hold a conversation and feels more like an interview than a social chat.
One time I was on a date that was a 90-minute monologue... I asked one question in the beginning to be polite and he just went with it. I was not able to get a *single* sentence in. Some men aren't looking for a partner, they're looking for an audience.
Lmao my dad (@ the last sentence)
A yes to a date and an opening question can get a free live show -- women's got it all, man. Haha. JK.
"some men aren't looking for a partner, they're looking for an audience" HIT me dude like that's so good
True and it make sense
they're the main character of the universe and every woman is the supporting cast aka a potential free bangmaid/mommy/therapist
I think an over-looked aspect of balanced conversations is also *genuine* listening. Not just formulating your response and waiting until you can add your piece, but focusing on what the other person is saying, and equally as important, what their body language is saying. I used to very much be on the open-sharing side, and I felt weird leaving conversations as if I bared my soul and was focusing too much of the conversation on myself if I was with a question asker. But by listening better, I pay attention to when someone's facial expressions, intonations, or body language show they're really interested in something, and focus my questions in that area, where they are also more likely to jump in unprompted. Or, if they start to look a little less interested, flip the question back at them and see where it leads. It is very much possible to change your conversation style (although I still do more open sharing with close friends and default to question asking in less comfortable situations, or when just making small-talk). I think surrounding yourself with people in the opposite conversation style helps, because I always felt like my question-asking friends were more self-less and kind and I wanted to be more like them
Yeah but being better listeners also has its drawback, where you endup just listening and listening and they treat you like unlicensed therapist. Where at the end only one feel better and other feel exhausted
Easy to say, harder to do. It's hard to be a good listener. Even when you ask good followup questions, it does nothing to build a good bond between you and someone if you can't remember or notice details about someone. I often feel like I build no connections with other people (any gender) because I can't remember what they say or I can't create a good shared experience. I'm curious to know what were your first steps to be genuinely interested in someone and to notice the details you mention, or remember details to show you pay attention.
@@c-eb3634 idk why my original reply didn't show up. But here it is:
It might sound a little silly, but I take notes on conversations with my friends, especially long-distance friends that I catch up with infrequently. Just quick notes like "Friend started dating a dude named BF-he's a software engineer, Friend's mom is sick-make sure to check in about that next time" that I can skim before we meet up next.
And I use reminders a lot. Not just for birthdays, but if someone tells me they have a big exam coming up or a drs appt they're nervous about, I set reminders in my phone for that day saying "send Friend a text wishing them luck today." Also, I just find that saying in my head to myself "oh, I should remember this for later", or "I should write _ down" helps me remember it better because I'm basically hearing it twice. It might sound weird to take notes on your friends, but I'd rather be a little weird to make sure my friends know I care.
Another part of what helped me focus better was shifting more attention away from myself. I'm on the more anxious side, so learning to quiet the thoughts that distract me like "was I laughing too loud, I need to stop fidgeting so much, I wonder if my hair looks bad," etc through mindfulness helps me stay more present so its easier to focus and then remember things later.
But there are so many ways to show people you care. Memory is tricky and things like mental health or meds can make focusing and remembering a lot harder for some people. I make people a lot of homemade gifts (baked goods, painting cards and writing letters, etc) or do small acts of service to show I care, even if they have to tell me the name of their sister 5 times before I remember.
@@rajanladas an INFJ, I felt this comment in my soul lol
@@thatxdamnxgirl7416 oh damn haha. I'm glad someone can relate
Real! I’ve been on so many dates where the man never once asks me about myself. It makes me wonder how the conversation is supposed to work!
It’s so important to know the background of how we’re raised to talk to each other, especially in romantic settings. Thank you for this!!
My partner has recently emphasized this fact about me. She told me that I don’t ask her enough questions, or at the very least, ask her questions back. Up to this point in my relationship, I have failed to pick up on this. I’m working on being a better, less selfish conversationalist - Not just in the context of our partnership, but also in interactions outside of each other. Thanks for your research and putting this video together! It was a great listen for me.
This is breaking my brain. I'm an out and out questioner (and a man, for the record) and I've spent huge swaths of past relationships wondering why my partner would never ask me questions about my life when I would always ask so many about hers.
I knew all of her colleagues, all her work dynamic, the politics of all of that, I knew her family and their whole background. We were together for 6 years but I don't think she could name more than one person I worked with and she couldn't really even describe what I did for a living in the end. By the time I ended the relationship I was complaining that I didn't feel like I mattered to her. I left her and I didn't feel like it would matter to her that I was gone. That she'd find someone she was interested enough in to ask those questions of. Now that I think of her as a sharer and that she maybe wanted me to share some stories and experiences of my own in the same way I'm a bit speechless. I could actually so easily imagine her saying "I thought that if you wanted to talk about those things then you just would have". This is a bit of a tough pill to swallow.
Yes that's exactly how I am. I want to just share things I am excited about and expect others to do the same without me having to interrogate them. I do try to ask questions to balance it out though.
You mattered to her. You guys are in a relationship for so long already
Very rarely has a woman ever asked a question about me on a date. Are we sure people in general aren’t just self absorbed?
I do not believe you. It is not possible .
It's definitely all mens fault. Just like everything
Idk - from my personal experience as a bisexual woman who has been on many dates with both men and women - 9 times out of 10 women ask many questions about you and foster open, interesting conversation, even if there isn't a spark between you. I would 7 times out of 10, men don't ask any questions at all and think the date went great. So in my experience, there are a few women who do it, but many many more men.
I have a neighbor woman that I am friendly with. We met because we both walk our dogs in the neighborhood. It has evolved to the point where I have been to her place for two parties and she to mine for one. We have exchanged text messages about goings on the the neighborhood. I know what she does for a living, what kind of acting projects she is working on, all kinds of things about her family. I'm not sure she even knows what I do for a living. The only question I recall her ever asking about me is whether I own or rent the house I live in. Her best friend, whom I've met several times, is the same way. I figured maybe it was an LA thing, you just keep listing facts about yourself and never ask anyone any questions about themselves. Maybe you assume they will just tell you if they want to? So definitely not a male only behavior
As a woman who, when I dated, dated other women: I can confirm that women on dates subjected me to ceaseless and exhausting interrogations ... shared nothing about themselves.
Look I don’t know how the date went, but I just want to give you my perspective. Guys these days are NOT very confident. So MAYBE he was very focused on impressing you, rather than getting to know you. Its still bad, but some of the early articles you mentioned depict men as very shallow. That is not the case for most.
17:38 yes. That is what happens in most cases
I've had full conversations/dates with people of all genders who never ask questions. Personally I can't stand it!!!! It exhausts me so quickly! If they're waiting for me to share about myself they need to make it clear that they care 😭
In my opinion, the best conversations have a healthy balance of both open sharing and question asking. However, I'm not a fan of trying to categorize everyone as wholly one or the other. I think we're more complicated than that, but it's a good starting point for discussion.
I agree that there must be a balance between asking questions and sharing in order to make a genuine connection. Connections like that are so rare nowadays and I believe that , that alone answers a lot of questions in our society. It doesn’t matter the age , is more about emotional intelligence.
@@francisrosales 100%! I recently made friends with two of my coworkers who are 10+ years older than me. Even though we don't have a ton in common regarding life experience/media we like because of the age gap, we're all good listeners and I always leave our hangouts feeling fulfilled.
As an open sharer I would say we are equally exhausted answering all your questions. It is not fun for us, we are not having a good time. I'm actually very good at asking questions but I need something to go off so if you never share anything real with me then I will really struggle usually resorting to 'how was your weekend?' five questions down the line cos I really need to stop talking!
I agree! I feel really uncomfortable with the idea of separating people into "questing askers" and "open sharers," and similar trends of categorizations (givers/receivers, love languages, etc) because it's so reductive and further isolates us in an already so individualistic world. I think it varies a lot, conversation by conversation and like you said, a mix of both sharing and asking questions is optimal. I appreciate when people ask me questions, but I also love a good story that I can add on to with something relevant to my own life. Likewise, I love asking questions to learn more about others, but being comfortable enough to share an anecdote with someone is a great way to get closer. It's all good!
I agree that it needs both questions and sharing for a good conversation. I actually don't think most people are exclusively question askers or sharers, but rather a mix of both. Personally I lean more on the side of open sharing, but if a question occurs to me I will ask it. Though often I feel like I'm abruptly changing the topic when asking a question. Like if you just told me that you have a dog, I might ask about his name or what breed he is. But if you already shared all that and I can't think of a question to ask about your dog, I might share a story about my friend's cat to remain on the topic of pets, rather than go "So what do you do for a living?" For me that makes the conversation flow more smoothly instead of feeling like an interview.
As soon as you said "he was a bass player" it all made sense.
I came here to say this.
Can you explain? 😂 I sincerely don't know
@@Gamma753 Bass players are kinda stereotyped as the dudes that get all the girls in bands. A guy that gets a lot of attention from women, is more likely to feel like he's the prize (as many women are wont to do) and then become or act more self absorbed. Or just care a lot less about the girl because he's got 3 other dates lined up for that week anyway.
@@3choblast3r4 ohhh thanks so much. I had no idea. Good to know
100%
Oh Leonie, I’m so sorry for the loss of your previous relationship. Dating is hard. It’s brutal. I’m wishing you the very best.
Did she say something about her last relationship that I missed?
@@Evermorefae8015no I don't think so. Just that she had mentioned earlier that she has been in a relationship for a few years, and now is dating new people.
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA
Wow that’s exactly what I inferred (as a casual viewer/subscriber). Very interesting and on-point [I watched your Suzanne Collin’s reviews and loved them].
Good on you for that perspective but… f that, you don’t need a man’s validation.
i was wondering about that ...
The last guy I dated was pretty good at asking me questions in the beginning. But then as it progressed, this became less frequent. I started to realize that he was mirroring my behaviour because I do ask a lot of questions. Then when he got more comfortable he thought pursuit through conversation could be dropped. The funny thing was that he told me how much he loved that we always had so much to talk about, however, if I didn’t start up conversations, it was painfully silent.
This is why I never talk to anyone if I get away with it. Conversations are so boring and people suck.
I have personally noticed a dynamic that relates to this, where men knowing that women like confidence translates to them needing to be more boisterous. So they talk more about themselves, their achievements and how special they are. Whereas I think most women when they say they want a confident man mean that they want a man that is calm, carefree, relaxed, stands up for their morals and shows empathy.
This is similar to another trend I have observed with honesty translating to being blunt and rude, or openly sharing things without having any filter on how it affects others. But actually an honest person considers other people's feelings aswell and is willing to question their own opinions when understanding another person's perspective.
It's so frustrating man, I feel this way too when amongst the female persuasion.. you are always left with this feeling of inadequacy and harsh judgement, it's like jeez what more do I need to do here? I've tried everything, my confidence is already non-existent and then there's this check list I have to cross off that I don't even know what the hell is even written on it
@@wesley6442 If you have emotions, there's just no way of getting around feeling hurt by being rejected. And unfortunately the most common dynamic when dating is for men to persue, to show initiative and to get rejected repeatedly. While most women learn that men will just approach them and that they don't necessarily have to approach and get rejected, even if that might help them learn to find a better partner too. Because I think that most men that don't care about being rejected as much are the type of people that have less empathy and don't care how women feel about them, let alone how they treat women. So the men that care less are the ones more likely to persue and continue to persue, even though they are more likely to have toxic or abusive personalities. For me, I was always cautious of who to be with aswell because I did want to spend my life with someone and it was important to me. Over time if you approach relationships cautiously you learn that it's not just men with bad boundaries, that women have them too. Dating was always difficult and depressing, but I just kept striving to do better and be better in genuine ways while trying not to develop a false sense of self-esteem or to blame women. I wanted a healthy relationship and I was determined to keep trying for that. Learning psychology and mental health helped alot with that.
They want confident Men but Women like her in this video will call them narcissist, we can never win. lol
this is so real. honestly from my personal experience, it's just not men for me. i figured after a while that almost every friend i had, doesn't have the least bit of interest in me to bother enough to ask something basic. the whole relationship feels one sided, not just the conversation.
Agreed 🙌 same here😞
What are your thoughts on the social ramifications of the radicalization of mainstream american politics?
Try volunteering information
Have you ever tried just telling them anyway to see whether or not they pay attention?
Kinda missing the point of friends. It's not about how much they know you it's about how well y'all enjoy each other.
It's funny because in my dating life I've found it to be the exact opposite. The women have talked about herself for 2 hours and never asked questions.
Especially with online dating. My experience is I basically have to lead every conversation and be entertaining while working with next to nothing. She likely has 100 other matches talking at one time.
Yes, plus even if you wanted to jump in and openly share something about yourself (since you are not getting any question anyway) they don't even let 3 seconds of silence pass by so that you can formulate a nice way to jump to another topic or something more personal before they start again or continue their self-centered monologue
it's not a men-women thing, it's a narcissist person problem
That's strictly online. Men are expected to start conversation and chat someone up. Thats why online dating can be so tiring if its one sided from the mens perspective. Also a woman having more options plays a role, yeah.
However, in person it's different. When a man has a foot in the door, the woman is likely to start asking questions to see if she can trust the person. The man is trying to impress. Maybe from starting the conversation he thinks he already knows a bit about her, so its okay to tell more about himself.
Generally speaking of course
@Dyer90 exactly it's everyone nowdays.
@tijmen6947 speaking broadly that 2nd paragraph is far from the true. It's also nit about gender as much as culture.
@@tijmen6947 bullsh**
I'm going to start every date with "Are you a questioner or an open sharer" because I can't really figure out the balance of questions to sharing. I feel unnatural trying to come up with questions.
Man, as a socially awkward open sharer, this explained to me so much why I end up feeling very anxious and self-conscious coming out of conversations with questioners, and why it’s been a project of mine to learn how to ask questions… I find it very difficult to read other people properly to know what they might want to talk about. When someone isn’t responding to me in much detail, I start to panic because I don’t know where to take the conversation from there, and then feel awful for talking too much about myself. I’ve indeed often felt so much more comfortable when the other person took my implicit invitations to share! This made me realize that I’ve been worrying so much about somehow missing others’ unspoken conversational patterns, all while I’ve actually been operating on a different implicit conversational logic myself.
Haha same, i often pre-write questions whenever I need tomeet a new human for any type of reason
That sounds neurodivergent, if I may say so.
Yeah I like this insight. Operating on a different logic. Very well put!
This carries over to so many other instances. People are exposed to different events, environments and belief systems. It will (sub)consciously impact the person you become. Understanding this would improve any kind of relation.
@@diversity_nowyou may, but that doesn't mean that I didn't feel insulted as a person who can relate to what he said.
@@Nethemas it was by no means an insult or anything critical. Just an observation with no judgment entailed or related to the entire commentary.
Guy here. I think a lot of guys, myself included, are not taught much of anything. When all you are given is essentially, "oh, you like someone? Well, good luck!" as the ONLY advice, of course it's not going to end well.
Even going with the "women are individuals with their own thoughts, wants, needs..." approach can make it murky. In a world where apps are king and you're going primarily off of pictures rather than "here's a bit about me...." on the app itself, it's tough to know where things align.
Personally, I struggle to get past the basic things, the "what's your favorite color?" sort of questions. Even my therapist pointed out that with my ex, when I shared about how we got to know each other and all, pointed out that my ex asked detailed questions but didn't give as detailed of answers.
People in general seem to be struggling with the push and pull of questions or getting to know each other, too scorned from past experiences or not knowing where something could go.
We'll get to a better point overall at some stage. But it is quite thought provoking. "Listen to understand, not to respond" is some good advice that I'm trying to be better at practicing.
I know right? men are expected to give the initiative and start dialogue THEN entertain keep their attention and attraction and hit all the right markers, it's kind of a big reason a lot of guys are just not bothering anymore.. it's so much pressure and we get rejected all the time, so then when you finally go on a date and you think it went well, she secretly resented it because they hide it so well and you never hear from them again. There's no hand book on this and every person is different sometimes you just cast a wide net and hope something catches
I don’t think you should talk for every man
@@wesley6442 That's such a terribly reductive and inaccurate comment. The 'pressure' of maintaining the attention of their date is on both sides. You're extremely self centered if you think it's only a pressure uniquely on men. Women get rejected just as much as men. This is a fact that seems to constantly elude men who endlessly complain about having to juggle so much but practically not doing anything while women juggle many of the same pressures.
The thing that so many men refuse to understand is that their incompatibility with the woman they're dating and her awareness of it and politely choosing to move on is not a 'rejection.' We do that while we're making friends within our gender as well. Not everybody is compatible to us to be in our lives and we don't consider it a 'rejection' when we don't form friendships with people who want to be friends with us. Why is it so drastically different in choosing a long term partner?
Men are not expected to 'lead' conversations or anything. This expectation, when it exists, has been put on men by other men and some women who share their sexism. If a lot of men aren't even asking anything on dates, not only are they not leading, they aren't even following. As for the 'pressure', do you blame your employers for placing 'pressure' on you for expecting to be on time, be well dressed and show interest at the bare minimum for job interviews? If not, then it's absurd that you blame women for 'rejecting' men for not even doing the bare minimum as well as for putting 'pressure' on you under which you cannot help but crumble and do absolutely nothing.
@@aamnahere6250what you're saying is literally disproven by statistics, you are offended he said men get reject more which is literally true, so now you are making up claims, very insecure, odd thing to even be offended about tbh
@@aamnahere6250men are literally expected to lead the Convo, women tell us that all the time why are you acting like it's a secret, you're being kinda sexist assuming he's sexist 😂
If I'm on a date I always have to lead the Convo, if I stop talking then the Convo slowly dies, that's not an expectation I put on her that's her being low effort.
I was nodding my head in agreement for the first half then immediately felt called out during the "Open Sharer vs. Questioner" segment, I just blindly assumed I had the high ground as a questioner. Well, time for some introspection
A sign of a great video!
Nah, the open sharers are mostly in the wrong imo. I get that they might think that we ask questions so that we don’t have to share (which is true for a lot of us ngl). But there is an implicit expectation that when you ask someone a question, you would agree to answer that same question if asked. So the excuse of open sharers not knowing whether we want to share or not is BS. Also we’re not mind readers. If these people want to know more about us it is their duty to make it known. Expecting us to just “figure out” that we’re supposed to share stories of our own is just bad communication on their part. If they feel slighted or bummed out or rejected it is entirely on them.
Like sure they might not know what we want to share, but when they are not even returning the questions we ask them they can’t blame us for “not sharing” when we’ve given them countless opportunities to return questions so we can open up too.
@@frenchgirl5878 fr I totally agree with you, especially when its something like a date
@@frenchgirl5878I don’t think this is really a matter of what is right or wrong tbh. People have different modes of communication, even if they don’t realize it. It’s not that one is better than other, as questioners implicitly signal the desire for you to talk and them to listen, which makes it a one way street if you aren’t aware of it. Sharers have the risk of talking over someone o oversharing. They’re just different.
great video!! i rlly liked the section abt questioners and open sharers it got me thinking abt the different kinds of ppl in my life, my dynamic w them, and how those dynamics differed depending on if they were a questioner or open sharer
For the longest time, I just thought I sucked at conversations, but turns out I'm an open sharer (and female and neurodivergent) and I feel like I'm forcing a conversation whenever I have to ask questions, even though I know that's what typically seems to be expected. It drains my energy massively to have to force myself to remember to ask questions and try to figure out what a good question to ask is. Being with other open sharers makes me feel alive and we can talk until 2 am type of thing.
I do try to be polite and ask questions for the sake of others, but I feel like I'm forcing it and acting very mechanically when I do.
Man here :
I’ll paraphrase the last part of the video : men ask very few questions to each other either, this is not (necessarily) about you ladies. Don’t (necessarily) beat yourself over it.
I do ask questions to my dates myself, but this is not an instinctive thing, I have to FORCE myself and they are usually along the lines of "what about you?" I admit. Doesn’t mean I’m not interested, I just instinctively assume if someone doesn’t want to talk about something they must have their reasons and I should mind my own buisness.
I can also tell you men are NOT happy when their dates feel like a job interview.
HOPE IT HELPS !!!
100%
perhaps you could consider not assuming and having an actual dialogue with another person. hope that helps!
@@yumaragonez3126 you must enjoy invalidating other's experiences with how brazenly you typed that.
The empathetic sex strikes again @@yumaragonez3126
@yumaragonez3126 do you hope that helps?
As a neurodivergent woman I am definitely an open sharer. I find it quite hard to ask questions and when I'm with neurotypical people I often feel bad afterwards for not having asked anything, However when I'm with other neurodivergent people we tell each other so much about ourselves without having to be asked (with lots of interruptions 😂).
This is how I communicate too, and it makes trying to hold a conversation with some people feel so laborious. I can't constantly come up with questions so good that you become interesting to talk to, we need to be able to go back and forth.
THIS. It's like talking about myself feels safe because it's known territory I am skilled in. Asking questions? Imagine I ask about their parents and they're an orphan! Imagine I ask about pets and theirs just died! Imagine I ask about their job and they just lost theirs! Imagine I-
It’s especially hard if you are an open sharer and talking to someone who is also an open sharer, but they perceive your sharing as interruptions 😅
Same lol
THIS. I wouldn't even think that open sharer fits me too well (i guess due to masking and social anxiety I'm even an reluctant sharer yikes). But I definitely am bad at asking questions or returning them
As a man who is just trying to get back into dating this video was a godsend to answer a question that has been nagging me. Why some conversations seem to come so naturally and some seem are a little more uncomfortable. I really appreciate this and I will definitely be trying to look for these styles in others and shoot for ambi-conversational. Thank you
I’m an open sharer but I’ve learned to ask questions and show my interest in people and I think everyone should, it wasn’t that hard, just ask only questions you’re genuinely interested in
It might not be hard at first, but depending on the other person, it might get hard quickly if they offer you nothing to work with.
"What do you do in your free time?"
"Not much."
"..."
"..."
"..."
"..."
"Oh look, a squirrel!" * runs off *
Right? Like definitely an open sharer, but I hate being the one to dominate conversations. So I asks questions hoping to pass the ball back in their court. I think vertical/horizontal thing plays a role. I don’t want to be the dominant speaker! I don’t feel comfortable just yapping away. I would hate that.
Maybe I'm an awful person, probably am given how poorly I'm treated in social contexts. But, sincere question if anyone is willing to indulge me. If no one has given you anything to be interested in, how do you know what interesting things you should ask about? When people endlessly ask me random questions I feel interrogated. It's tiring and feels intrusive. I can't imagine doing the same to another person, it feels awkward and wrong.
@@Nethemas Usually I ask about how people feel about things and not about things. Like I don’t ask about their job I ask how they feel about their job, I don’t care about most jobs but I care how a person experiences life so hearing them talk about their joys and fears is always interesting to me. Same if they say they just bought a house, I don’t care about the house and the mortgage, I do care how they feel about this big change in their life
Also once you get people talking about how they feel the conversation becomes a lot more natural and not an interrogation but a lot more of an honest conversation
People need to realize, conversation is an art. Not everyone has the same skills when it comes to this
Communication major here…yep. Literally learned this info in my college courses! Good job explaining all this in a clear, entertaining way :)
I'd love to hear more about the different modules you did or even just random facts from your course!
So, what Starbucks do you manage?
23 year old guy here and never been on a date in my life. This applies to more than just dates (as you go on to talk about). I thought it was a guy thing but, when meeting someone new as an open sharer, a conversation with a lot of questions feels stilted and awkward. Whereas sharing thematically relevant stories back and forth feels much more cooperative and fulfilling like trying to hold the longest coolest looking rally in tennis or volleyball.
My version of asking a question often entails telling a story or making a comment that is loosely related to what I want to hear about and, if the person with whom I am speaking is comfortable sharing the information I'm looking for I've hopefully prompted that information to the forefront and provided an opportunity for them to share.
Of course, an unfortunate biproduct of such communication is that it often takes several interactions to glean someone's job, relationship status or even their name.
Fun Fact: Autistic and ADHD individuals tend to be Open-Sharers and it's how we empathize.
We get a lot of grief from people who will tell a sad story and then get angry when we share a story with a similar experience; they think they're being "one-upped" or now the story is about us. No.
How else are we supposed to show we understand how we're going through WITHOUT sharing a story regarding a similar situation?
Many of us get uncomfortable when we share a story and don't get a story back.
Oh great, another ND trait on my list of "reasons I should really get that checked one day"
@@remem95 Do you remember all the reasons or do you just know the list exists? 😜
yes. Not dating normies is so much better
@@monriatitans take a guess :p
I was thinking of the ND community during this video.
In my psychology class, we discussed how women have higher average emotional intelligence than men. And that some ND individuals find themselves lower on this scale.
Some of the complaints men have of women and women of men, to me, strike me as very similar to those NTs have of NDs and NDs of NTs.
The vertical/horizontal conversation thing explains SO WELL why I find the men in my life so annoying in group settings sometimes. They get so loud and overbearing and seemingly often feel the need to make things a debate instead of a discussion?? I'm so glad I have a name for that now haha
Why you find this annoying?
@@Jamhael1because sometimes you just want to have a good natured conversation without it suddenly becoming emotionally competitive. Navigating a competitive conversation takes more energy and can be exhausting, not to mention, it's a hard way to actually learn information.
@@Goat.Cheese and who in the hell does that?
A conversation without conflict is not "real", but a pretense of civility - people are not agreeable all the time...
@@Jamhael1That’s stupid. I don’t know why you’d have an emotionally competitive conversation with someone unless you want to change their mind about something. Like, what’s the point? Conflict just for the sake of it can be interesting but if you’re getting emotionally competitive with your friends all the time, who’s gonna want to be around you? We’re competing all the time already: can’t we just talk to each other and navigate conflict naturally, instead of forcing it in the one space you ought to be comfortable in?
@TheNwr1 now you are seeing how men see women today:
A veritable trench war over emotional accomodation.
And we men are just shaking our heads in disapointment, knowing that such fight is simply pointless...
I'm definitely an opensharer! when i'm having a conversation with someone, my mind is focused on finding a common space for relatability. because to me that's what conversations are, to find a commonspace with someone, to bond with someone. you voluntary get to share just how much you feel comfortable with, and there's no boundaries being crossed by asking a question that hits awkwardly. there's no hierarchy of the asker and the answerer, there's just two people sharing their world view. i do ask questions about details, but if the conversation requires me to practically interrogate a person just to find out the details to their short answers, that tells me they don't want to share it.
yes this is it for me!! I struggle to ask questions because I worry that I'll stumble on something that's a sensitive topic... "do you have kids?" is normal for a lot of people, but it could also make some people upset
I operate very similarly as well, most people get what I’m doing but some take it as being self centered or narcissistic
@@Absolutecorn5767 oh yes that's relatable for me as well!! lately i've been more conscious of my way of communication because i feel like it can come across as very domineering and centred on me, which isn't my intention at all!
I have a friend who doesn't ask questions, and does not return the question. When I asked them about it, they said that if someone would like to share something, then they will. They found it to be pushy or invasive, to ask someone a question about something they hadn't shared on their own because if the other person wanted them to know that information then they would share it. It made me realize that they weren't uninterested - they were being considerate.
Ya now you have a more positive view of them. I had the opposite encounter, the other party did not really talk about herself and I thought she was considerate. But later I found she was just hiding and doesn’t not want to divulge too much about herself. I linked it to consideration and interest in me. In reality, it was because she don’t want attention on herself, she used it as a tactic to divert attention
I'm a man, and I find meeting new people very exhausting. The whole asking answering asking cycle is just unnatural to me. Beginning a date with a quick round of these is perfectly fine and helpful, it's an effective enough formula to start a conversation, but prolonging it... is just painfull and mechanized. After a certain point, people should be able to speak their minds, even when not asked, about certain topics, such as their interests, their job, their friends or banalities of their day to day - anything they find themselves wanting to speak about. Hearing people talk about what's near and dear to them is one of life's greatest pleasures and also the best way to really know someone. In mid conversation If you're not given a window to also do this, due to your date mate (genius) essaying about his grandiose self, well maybe that's not your guy.
Do you ever get the feeling when meeting someone new you can't be bothered to invest time into explaining yourself to them? for me, after so many failures to get off the ground and get anywhere, I think to myself why bother? this isn't going to go anywhere, ya know?
@@wesley6442 It can be exhusting if you're looking at ti as a routine and not an individuality. I think that aproaching a meeting, a date, whatever, and looking at it as a performance can be exhausting, and in that sense I agree with you, but it shouldn't be a performance. I understad how past failure can take its tone in your life, but you shouldn't let it controll it. Have some faith on you and keep on trying earnestly :)
As a man, I am excited to hear you discuss this topic. Personally, all I do is ask questions on dates because I am socially anxious and talking about myself makes me scared. I have relied on being a good listener.
EDIT: I like the discussion on horizontal vs vertical communication. I have noticed that I interpret interjections as interruptions. Most men I know, including myself, have this habit that they acknowledge someone's comments and repeat their statement. For instance,
Man #1: "So I was at the grocery store and I ran into a friend from high school."
Man #2: "Oh really? That's crazy"
Man #1: "Yeah. So I ran into this person from high school......"
Very rough example, but this happens all the time. You could interpret this as Man #1 re-asserting control of the conversation while acknowledging Man #2's comments. This becomes even worse in group situations, where I repeat myself a lot more.
@@LastMinuteGuess lol same, but I also talk a lot of random shit xD
Same here. I ask a lot on every date. But I guess I get nervous and talk to much. Also I dont care about someones job. Its not the most importanr thing for my.
Being anxious makes me fail to ask questions. Every single question is an opportunity for rejection if they think the question is too weird, too personal, too mundane, too common, or just something they don’t want to talk about. So I think that asking a lot of questions is a brave move
That's interesting. Especially since man #2 in your example might have different conversational habits or intentions in saying that. Maybe he had a different family or ethnic culture, or only had sisters, for some other reason interjects like that simply to show he's engaged and cares about what you have to say or you as a person. Or maybe hes trying to hype you up. Different cultures and even families can have different conversational rhythms.
I'm a woman but I also tend to interpret interjections as interruptions, especially if it's more than a "Mhm" or a "yeah". Like, I feel a nod and looking at the person who's talking is enough of a sign that you're listening. Anything more will kick me out of my flow and I'll forget what I was about to say cause now I feel like I need to acknowledge what you just said. I KNOW they're just trying to show me they're engaged in what I'm saying but to me it's so annoying.
in my experience its the woman that dont ask questions on dates. its so hard to carry conversation on your own
I definitely feel like this is a universal problem for both genders. I've seen men show their chats on dating apps and so many women are incredibly dry. When I was trying to make friends, I encountered this type of people and they were men and women. Just awful all around
If you met me you would have had the best time. I tend to talk to much 😂
as a guy i've never seen a conversation as a competition and if i start talking too much i tend to worry that i'm not letting the other person (or people) have a chance to speak. i've always seen them as an exchange.
Okay I feel like this whole questioner vs sharer conversation styles is genuinely going to change my life approaching social situations, especially as someone with social anxiety who needs all the help I can get to structure and understand social interaction. Really appreciate and enjoyed the video, even without it being book related!
I realized today why I can't hold a conversation with certain people; it's probably because they were waiting for me to ask and I never did. I definitely think I'm more of an open sharer and just expect people to continue talking about their experiences and stories after I've told mine. If I get no response I feel like I've overshared and the other person probably doesn't care because they didn't follow up with anything; but now I realize that they might have just been waiting to be asked!!
My issue is, as much as I love my friends, some of them go completely dead silent and they are the ones that asked to hang out with me.. I am like so we get together and you are just not going to say anything? I don't know, maybe I am that chill and quiet atmosphere type, but once the silence drags on for so long, I get annoyed so I start talking and I will get short answers sometimes, not always of course. this is sort of my way of testing their temperament, are they in a bad mood? just want to hang out in the silence with their bro? I am cool with that but if the silence goes on to long I get nervous, so if I probe them and they still give me blunt answers I just entertain myself instead lol I love my friends but in those moments I say internally "eh. fuck em" xD
A big make or break factor for me is someone holding a conversation and keeping conversations interesting and flowing. It’s so exhausting being the only person putting in effort in a two person conversation. Kinda crazy how low the bar is 😅
what if im having trouble to find ANY common ground with the other person? I find it really hard to have a conversation with new people because every topic seems to fall short until i find something we have in common. Its also really hard to focus on the persons answer and follow thru with relevant questions because of my anxiety
@@oakuvalentine7734 I mean that might just be a lack of compatibility which is okay. Even if I don’t have anything in common with someone, I tend to ask lots of questions and be curious of their answers because I’d rather a forced conversation than no conversation at all. Idk where you are at age-wise and dating-wise but with more practice, you’ll get better at managing the anxiety and having better conversations
@@oakuvalentine7734 Hi! Don't worry about finding common ground. You are probably anxious because you don't want to be perceived as awkward. That's perfectly normal. Here's how you can fix that. Talk to all sorts of people. Talk to a lot of people. A LOT. You'll develop confidence and you'll start to get a sharp sense of when people want to talk and when they don't which is very very important. You can start by practicing speaking with cashiers when you're checking out. You won't have too long to speak with them anyway so speaking with cashiers is a perfect time to practice. Say stuff like "Well it's not very busy today. Imagine that" and then take it from there. When you're leaving tell them "Thank you. Have a nice day". If you're at a party say "Dope shirt" "Nice dress etc" Never ask where they got it. The conversation will flow and you can always bail if you're starting to feel anxious. Have casual conversations with people like this as you go about your day. Talk to barista, bartenders, people while you're waiting for a train or your car at the mechanic. Hell, talk to the mechanic. "What car model do you work on the most?" stuff like that. when you do this enough you'll become sharp and your anxiety will plummet :-) Even if you're an introvert try this. It helps. Good luck :-)
If many people you meet struggle to hold a conversation with you... I mean, have you ever considered that what all these conversations have in common is that they are with you?
@@lonestarr1490 it’s not many people, it’s more of a handful of men that I’ve gone on dates with. When you ask questions and engage with a conversation and all you get in response are one word answers and no reciprocation, that’s a deal breaker for me 😂
The ‘open sharing’ description feels much more relatable to my conversation style than competition.
I was thinking about conversations I’ve been in with questioners and how when that happens I get anxious about hogging space but then I want to be respectful and answer.
First books and now the psychology of men? I'm SAT 🙆🏻♀
(Side note: love your creativity! As a small Booktuber myself I love to see your editing and background music and general artistry in your videos. Thank you for being an inspiration!)
Open sharer girl here! I have ADHD and it seriously just isn’t intuitive for me to think of questions while also concentrating on the present conversation. Like genuinely I will replay the conversation LATER and THEN have questions. But believe me, I’m paying attention to you and I do keep little facts tucked away. I am also, of course, trying to be better about starter questions because I do know it’s important for some people, but for real, sometimes it’s so hard to know how to begin 😅
As a follow up this is all so interesting because I have always found it more intuitive to have a conversation with a man. Not a “I don’t have female friends” girl AT ALL but I do find conversation with them a lot more straightforward.
I love this video so much Leonie!! It’s made me think a lot about how I communicate and how those around me share their thoughts and feelings. I definitely have been in the category of “why am I the only one asking questions?” and this has opened up my perspective to why that might be the case sometimes. I feel like when I’m getting to know someone new I overthink the conversation and tend to lean towards being a questioner, but once I’m comfortable around someone the conversations tend to be a mix of open sharing and asking questions. This topic has so much nuance to it, and I love how you presented both sides of the story while still validating the frustrations of both!! Please do more like this :)
This video was a bit of a roller-coaster for me, and I'm glad I kept watching til the end.
My first thought was the simple "I'm just trying so hard to seem worth this person's time, that all I can think about is whether they've already decided they want the date to end." But you addressed that aspect, and brought up other points.
At some point, long ago, I heard or read a woman complain that her date kept asking her questions, like she was in a job interview. Ever since then, every time I want to ask a question, this voice in my head yells at me for being so boring and asking such stupid questions. So I either end up asking weird questions in the hopes of being original (which are probably way too heavy and personal, if not just chaotic neutral), or freeze up entirely without anything else to say. Or I try to share things in such a deliberately crafted way to hopefully get the other person talking, that I don't realize that what I just said isn't actually what I meant.
So I was pretty defensive about the whole subject, like I wanted to interrupt and explain where this comes from. But then you got around to a much better explanation than I had -- that these are two different communication styles. I'm glad you pointed out that I should probably date someone compatible with my natural conversation style, but encouraged developing both.
I needed Leonie, the queen of essays and power points herself, to explain this to me
From the point of view of the other side, if your not the most appealing guy, one can sometimes feel pressure to quickly build up a more pleasurable image before the woman can decide they can do better
in my experience some women will ask too many questions so fast that there's no room for me to ask questions back. Yes I ask questions if I get the chance. But i'm more "slow". More relaxed. And I take my time and also really listen
Can you imagine you went on a date with someone and thought it went great, but later see that they made a whole 30 minute youtube essay on why it sucked. I'm cackling 💀
I can relate from a man’s POV. The moment I ask questions two things happen: I lose track of time, or I get slightly detached from the task at hand and just start spewing out random shit that potentially may not relate to anything at all. So what I practice to this day still is try and open my ears, then that makes things easier when I want to start opening up.
Since you also brought up languages, what are some of the basic fundamentals of learning a language? DING DING DING. Listening and speaking. So not only learning language that requires listening and speaking skills, dating in a way is like language learning, although it’s perceived in another kind of “language”.
Same here. But the thing is. If I talk to much and ask things. Im being to on. And if I just ask and listening. Then Im not showing enough intrest. In that way im overthinking now on every date. And not being myself
As a guy, when I'm on a date I always feel like I have to drive the conversation forward. Including asking all the questions.
I have the opposite experience, I have hobbies, and I’m passionate about those. I also ask girls questions about themselves and why they like what they like but they don’t expound or offer any real insight into their lives. Makes it very hard to connect with them.
I feel the same as you! "What do you like about X?" is usually met with "idk its fun". Its like squeezing blood from a stone!
@@octopodes7619 lol dude forreal, girls don’t get deep about any of that stuff
Yeah I run into this too. I write music and make stuff in my free time. 90% of women
I’ve been out with just work, watch tv, sleep, and go out for drinks.
@@andykins118118 literally same dude
Yes! most of the interactions I have both in person and messaging go down this way, and usually men are expected to lead the way and take charge it's just a subconscious thing that girls do so we have to come up with things on the fly, be adaptive.. one strategy is just throwing some stuff out there, hoping they'll chime in when asking them personal questions isn't working
I think self-reflection is such a healthy way to address problems like this in dating. Yes, they could ask more questions, but I could also be curious about their communication style and my own. Great video!
It was so refreshing to hear my perspective represented lol. I have gone out on hinge dates and have literally heard the feedback of “you didn’t ask me any questions” when the whole time I felt like when I did ask her questions she’d respond with super short answers. And that she actually was engaged when I was talking about myself?
Omg I am so glad that you are talking about this. I went on my first date with this guy a couple of days ago and don’t get me wrong, he was a cool guy but it just felt like I was making the most effort in getting to know him. Whenever he would ask questions, it would either be basic stuff like “What movies do you like to watch?” Or stuff related to him like “What did you think about me when I approached you?” (Which is so ew btw). I felt like he didn’t really put in the effort to get to KNOW me. I’ve mentioned multiple times that I was Filipino yet he still would get it wrong (he thought I was Philippines…Philippines is a country babe, I am Filipino not Philippines…). And even then, he never asked me about my life in the Philippines yet I know everything about his life in Arkansas. I got really frustrated when we were in the car together and it was just silent because I didn’t have any questions to ask him and during random times in the car ride, he would keep asking me “Sooo do you have any questions for me?” Sir do you have any questions FOR ME?!? It’s actually ridiculous.
A lot of men feel like they have to sell themselves because they already like you and the interest is not going to waver. But we know your interest might change if we don't interesting enough. If you want to share something about yourself or have something in your mind there is nothing wrong with volunteering it. Conversations aren't interrogations or interviews.
Gonna be honest, you sound like hard work and high maintenance. Ofc it was all this guy's fault that you had a bad time, nothing to do with your social skills. Anyway good luck to you and whoever you date.
I am a questioner, but it is amazing when someone DOESN'T ask me any questions. I welcome people who just talk, talk a lot, because I'm a Listener.I love listening a lot and be the one who asks question. Observation is my Power.
I wish you are my friend. I like to talk and you like to ask questions and is a listener. I don’t feel like you are interrogating me and you don’t feel that I have secrets to hide
Love this. I’m a strong believer in questioner vs storyteller! It has changed my life to learn to use both styles
As a guy, I can tell you that I would get nervous on dates before I met my wife. I met her online, and it's a little scary to meet someone you've effectively never truly seen.
I think it's a confidence thing. It can be very nerve-wracking to ask questions to a stranger, but it's absolutely paramount to do so. I'd even practice some questions just to make sure I had some set in my head before I even went out. I wanted to make sure I showed interest and wasn't just a massive toad on a log.
To be fair, though, some dudes are just no good for you. Don't settle for anything less than what you think you're worth.
Love the content, Leonie! I hope you have some better luck in the dating world!
See your example shows that it can be done even if you're nervous and shy. You were self aware enough to plan ahead and think of questions beforehand, that's the smart and considerate thing to do! If you're on a date you at least expect the person to show a little interest in you, otherwise what's the point.
A massive toad on a log??... Hhmmm... Looks attractive to me))
It's not just men, fewer people have this basic conversation skill. People only talk to each other directly when they want something.
Yes, but it's only acceptable to call out men... you must be new, welcome to current year.
Not true. When men date non western women, they have lots of interaction and develop deep connection.
Foreign women are fun and interesting to talk to and have authentic personality and interesting hobbies.
As a guy, who mostly have guy friends, I think most dudes won't ask questions on dates because they won't ask questions about people ever, that's just how most dudes talk. Almost every conversation I have with my boys is generaly about an especific topic or common interest between us, it's not uncommon that guys won't know information about their closest friends even after years of friendship, ask a guy about his friends lives and you'll see how clueless we are.
A true guy knows every little thing about a person, but not because we asked. It’s because we heard someone else say their name in passing.
This just makes you look worse. Not something to be proud of.
And you intend to go through life like that?? What a waste.
fair if that works for friends but I don't think dates work in the same way friendships do? dates are typically about getting to know each other and to do so you need to ask questions. asking questions is about making an effort for the person you're on a date with
Well ,you are not on date with your guys friends. If you are on date , you need to ask about other person's interests and hobbies
If you are even interested in dating at all
I clicked on this video so fast. I’ve been on several dates and the vast majority of the time they learn literally nothing about me because they’re talking about themselves so much.
What a fascinating analysis! It reminded me a lot of the discourse in ADHD spaces around communication styles. I'm a questioner myself, but most of my (female, ADHD, like myself) friends are open sharers and people who respond to stories with their own stories. They wouldn't ask questions because they don't want to intrude. I've tried to adapt and share more openly - but then most people immediately interrupt me to share their own stories. I know they don't mean any harm and it would be ableist to judge them for it, but I feel exhausted and invisible at the end of these conversations.
On a positive note, I have found other ADHDers who I can flow with and we talk through 'constructive interruptions', building upon each other's thoughts, rarely asking any questions because they aren't needed. It really all depends on showing empathy, and slightly adapting to the flow and finding a balance.
I feel a lot also has to do with turn-taking in conversations. Not just how much speech overlaps, but also how long each contribution is. I can't really cope with monologuers, whereas they might find a ping-pong conversation overwhelming too.
I know it's important to communicate openly about these things if you feel frustrated, but it can be really hard because you don't want people to feel bad about themselves.
As an (autistic) ADHDer, totally relate to all of this! It's rare to find someone the conversation can really flow with in that constructive interruptions way you describe but how amazing when it happens. I am a questioner by nature but when I get to know people better I'm more in that flow of just building on what each person says. Still, questions always pop up in my mind because I'm genuinely very curious!
Actually I used to be an open sharer but now i lean more towards questioning. In my mid 20s i had a friend who was a questioner and i always felt so valued when having conversations with him because he would ask me all these interesting questions! It made me wonder if i came off as self absorbed by not asking people similar questions. Around the same time, i also realized that not everyone has a right to know my business and i want to ascertain WHO I'm talking to before i open up, and that is a definitive advantage of asking questions. Once I'm really familiar with a person though I usually flow into a more open-sharing style of conversation, when we both already know the basics of "who" we are and it's time to update each other on the new stories in our lives. Lastly, i find that asking silly or random questions can be a great way to deal with awkward silences or boring situations, gets people to open up in ways where no one feels guarded, and can make you, the question asker, more memorable to those around you. My previous job has a shift schedule and in the wee hours of the morning when everyone is completely dead from the night shift, i would often start asking silly questions to raise morale, eg: do you believe in ghosts? Potato chips or french fries? What's the worst date you've ever been on? Would you rather be stranded on a mountain or lost in a jungle? Etc etc. It totally works, everyone cheers up and the time passes by more quickly. To sum it up, i really feel like asking questions is the more "socially intelligent" way to communicate for me so I changed. Anyone can change how they communicate with a little awareness!
I hope you find the love of your life.
Personally I just find question asking to be more direct.
We don't live in a world that's honest, more often than not people tend to do things because they feel like they should do it, or to follow some kind of social convention.
Therefore, if I was open sharing it's not always clear if the other person is actually enjoying themselves or if they're listening just to be polite.
Meanwhile with question asking, it's very clear that you're interested in the other person and want to get to know them. So it feels much more comfortable to then go into more open sharing because if they've asked you questions, it's clear that they're interested in you.
But if you start with open sharing, you're just running on the assumption that the other person is interested, instead of a clear sign that they are.
I don't mind asking other people open-ended questions (I'm a journalism major after all). However, what I feel most insecure about is the risk of turning a date or a friend meet-up into an interview or an interrogation. I don't think a lot of people, I included, like to be thrown on the spot especially when we might think that what we have to say might not be interesting for someone else. Just something for all of us to consider.
Asking things like, "Why do you feel that way" can elicit a wide variety of positive and negative response. Some people want to tell you, and some definitely don't want to verbalize it.
@@craigbenz4835 exactly! you get it.
Men don't ask questions? Soo, have you ever been on dating apps? Where women invest zero initiative or energy in getting a conversation going? But, if that's how a woman behaves even before the date, then they're not gonna meet me in person. Why do you as a woman meet up with guys like that? As a guy, I've had experiences like this too, with the woman going on and on about herself, learning nothing about me. So we we need to ask ourselves: how did I get into this situation? Was there no way for me of tellling beforehand that this person is just self-involved and not interessted in a real connection? If we only check for superficial features like looks or occupation, but pay no attention to how they treat us, this is what we get. Narcissism is not a gendered problem.
great video, love seeing you branch into social topics! i’ve definitely found myself frustrated with what feels like a total lack of curiosity for my interior world in relationships, but I also relate to open sharing and not wanting to come across as prying so i’ve probably unintentionally appeared uncaring at times. language as it relates to our social relationships is truly so fascinating
Why would anybody by interested in YOUR inner world?
I've had a similar experience when hanging out with a friend. When we would hangout they would mostly asked questions about me and I would tell a story, which would usually prompt more questions. The talks about their lives were usually shorter and packed at the start of the conversation. At some point it came up that we both felt like we were being a burden on the other in conversation. I was worried I wasn't asking enough questions and felt I wasn't asking interesting enough questions, they were worried they weren't contributing and were forcing me to talk too much.
I think it's great to view dates as an opportunity to work on yourself, that seems like a very healthy mindset to take with you! I can imagine it takes away some of the sting if it doesn't end up leading anywhere.
I'd have to disagree strongly on the competitive and cooperative conversation styles, I think the "open-sharers vs question-askers" idea is much closer to what usually is going on. Men's conversations typically aren't structured as competitions; when they are it's noticeable (think pissing contests and one-upping each other), and these are typically very stupid. Similarly, women's conversations aren't always cooperative. I can't say for sure, since I only have first-hand experience as a man, but from what I understand passive-aggression, for example, is particularly common among women's social circles.
What I personally think is behind the problems that Leo's talking about has more to do with a difference in how men typically approach first dates vs how women approach them. This was kind of touched on in the video, but a lot of men try to prove themselves worthy for a woman they're interested in. This can stem from any number of factors, but a competitive "market" for a woman's attention (by that I mean many men pursuing the same woman) is one of the biggest. If a man feels like a woman has other options, he'll instinctively feel the need to prove why he's "better" than the competition. Not to say that this is an appropriate way to talk with a woman, or anybody outside of maybe your boss, but nevertheless it's something that many men experience.
It's important to note though that this unbalanced show of interest in the other person isn't an exclusively male vs female problem. One of my own dealbreakers in dating women is if she isn't able to reciprocate and express interest, because that's been a significant problem for me in my own dating life. That's part of why I believe it's not so much a male behavior vs female behavior problem, but a problem of sociability and social awareness. Those traits have traditionally been emphasized in women's upbringing and lacking in men's, though that's not an ironclad rule and, more importantly, it's something that can be fixed through learning and practice.
you're probably thinking this because you are, in fact, a guy. I've felt the same way reversed with my guy friends. every conversation is a competition, and if I don't raise my voice or play my cards right, I won't get a word in edgewise because they won't make any effort to include me. and yeah, women can be passive aggressive in conversations...if they're being passive aggressive. i think it's a matter of perspective and understanding, we just gotta meet in the middle
Balanced and nuanced take. I feel it supplements the video's approach decently well.
@@idk_a_plant Perhaps it looks like a competition from your standpoint, but not to the guys in the group who are conversing? The matter of a competition can be interpreted subjectively amongst different groups of people.
@@Missile_Crab Guys also need to know that you can have their back, so one-upping (along with teasing, pranks, etc) is a way of testing this.
Jordan Peterson recounted a story in the book 12 Rules for Life where a city boy went to the Canadian Oil fields for work; he lasted 2 months because the other men there would constantly sh*t test him since they need to know if he can be counted on to be part of the team and have each other's back in such a harsh environment. He thought he was being bullied and singled-out when in reality he was being tested.
Love how in depth you went with this topic and possible solutions. Even though I am in a relationship this perspective is useful to consider in friendships aswell
The video was posted 19 minutes ago, video is 30+ minutes long and people started yapping right from the beginning. I haven't even seen the video yet (like most other people who already have responded before me) but wow the comments are WILD already.
Especially because she gives a disclaimer around the 6th minute. Some people clearly aren't even watching the video. 🙄
I know! It's like they have alerts for these topics just so they can comment and invalidate the creator
Lol exactly. And maybe those people are the open sharers? 😂
The gender based issue like the men who aim for dominance in convo while the women aim for solidarity definitely have some value, but i don't think most conversation work that way today.
I prefer The open sharers vs questioners theory to explain this phenomena. In my life, more men are the questioners and more women are the open sharers (the difference isn't that high, close to 50/50 actually). I'm a man and i'm a question asker and i've dated a woman who is an open sharers. She could talk about herself for hours lol. But, before (or after) she told me about herself, she usually ask "how was your day?" And that's it. I knew about her childhood trauma, her complicated relationship with her mother and her abusive ex, while she only knew about where was i before i met her 😂
bro fr, so many guys are complaining about specific instances about women being horrible n it's like. my brother in christ she is One Person (also very interesting how many men have said they've encountered the same problem women have in conversations, I never hear about that)
While I agree there's definitely people commenting off of the title, not the video. Her disclaimer was "not all men". When the truth is that it's both men and women. But our personal experiences and who we ask tend to give us a bias. And that could've been explained better earlier.
It is a beautiful and fitting irony.
I don't want to listen.
I think you've cracked it. As a trans woman who grew up as a boy with mostly male friend groups, I have been saying that this is an issue of differences in communication style. In male groups, nobody is ever waiting to be handed a ball to speak. You just catch the ball when it's up in the air. I'm personally more of a "speak when spoken to" kind of person when it comes to new unfamiliar people, but once I'm comfortable with someone (which can take a while) I'll adopt the more assertive mode.
As a man, it's pretty common to avoid any intimacy, where I've found women tend to drill down. Trust is built in mens groups by respecting those boundaries, especially at work. That being said, I think a lot of men want to share, but it usually takes a couple years or a couple drinks :/
yup! you've got it, when with my guy friends sometimes one of us is quiet and is maybe disinterested in the topic at hand, we check out then chime in when something relatable pops up, I don't wait around for my turn, I actively throw myself in there and interrupt sometimes lol I either need to seize the opportunity because they are about to change topics or I have something funny to say
This is a general problem with dating apps. Many men who appear interesting based on their profile picture or bio often have narcissistic traits, which can lead to such dynamic on dates. On the other hand, my straight male friends often say that their dates seem indifferent to their hobbies and passions.
I think this is not a problem specific to men or women, but rather a result of how dating apps can distort our perception of the people on the other side of the screen.
upd: The main topic of the video is also very interesting. The dynamics of conversation are like a universe in themselves. I hope to see more videos about sociology in the future.
Yes because as a man you need to put a lot of work on your profile. To even get any matches. So you create likea persona of yourself. Its more like a job interview
Yeah the only thing I've been asked consistently is what I do for work, and if they are bold, how much money I make. I rarely get asked about interests even though I have so many hobbies :( Like I hate my job, don't ask so much about it.
@@LastMinuteGuess thats how i feel. Also when I say what I work whit (im a mailman). I feel im being judged for not having a surten proffession
From a 58 yo woman…men very much want their female date/gf/wife to be interested and involved with their hobbies. An example: my husband wants and needs me to be very interested in his love affair with Harleys. He feels hurt when I don’t want to go to weekend rally. However, my interests of sewing and gardening are so boring to him and should I try to even tell him something for 10 minutes about sewing or gardening he will suddenly have a pressing issue he must attend to. Would my hubby ever go to a quilting show with me? NO! Yet my not spending an entire weekend at a Harley rally is akin to complete marriage betrayal. I have come to believe men actually want to date and marry themselves, only with high heels on.
@@LibraryLizard idk about other men. But I usally go on dates with women that share my interests. I want someone to share it with. But I can also compromise if I started liking a person thats different to me.
It feels like you and your husband have different things you value important to you. And he should really make an effort, if you are. Or you both have to compromise. Idk relationships are hard. But not all men are like this. And also a lot of men are.
I think its based on that he wants to spend time with you.
As a guy who has been on hundreds of first dates in my many years of dating, I've never had any issue coming up with questions to ask, but when my date doesn't follow up with any in return or give me leading answers that spark more conversation, it just becomes me interviewing them and that's no fun for anyone.
I'm sure there were times, especially early on, that I was doing a poor job at asking questions, but it really just seems like some people are there for a free meal sometimes. I'm so glad to have found a partner that I cherish and can enjoy conversation with every day. It beats the hell out of first dates with strangers.
I used to be that guy, always wondering why my dates never went well. Then, I went on a date with a girl who acted just like me-she just kept talking and talking about herself. Not everything, but way too much. After that date, it hit me: my brain wasn’t even remotely curious about her because there was no mystery. I didn’t even wonder if we’d be a good match because there were no gaps in her story for me to think about or see where I’d fit in. And to top it off, she texted me right after, the next day, and on and on. It was a real eye-opener.
P.S. I really wish you'd make another video in Dutch!
This is quite funny lol It's a real eye-opener when it happens to you
yeah I am the type that puts all my cards on the table, I am genuine and love to share things I am into but it pisses me off to share so much about myself, lay myself bare and vulnerable only to never hear from them again, it makes me want to just give up entirely, makes you feel like shit ya know? then they go off with losers and punks who are into fast cars or some stupid shit
I wanted to share my experience. So, I was in a situationship with a dude, it was long-distance, and as stupid as it was, I had feelings for him. Still do.
He would want to talk to me every single day, and I would always be the only one coming up with topics to discuss, and the only one to ask questions. He claimed I was "the smartest woman" he'd ever known, and I wholeheartedly believe him, even now. That emptiness he had inside, desperately trying to fill it up with anything that would give him emotional boost is... Substantial.
I remember he said how adorable I was, when I wanted to ask him "just one more question", and then ask five more in a row. He loved how curious I was. At the end, it started taking a toll on my mental health, because he was draining me for my emotions and curiousity, for my childlike wonder, especially because he was a foreigner, and I had feelings for him, and I really-really-really wanted to get to know him.
And you know what? He couldn't remember anything about me.
He once told me he'd been to hundreds of concerts. He would go to several gigs per week, because he liked it. When I go to a concert, I don't want to go anywhere afterwards. Too many people, too many emotions, too many different energies. Just too much. For him, it was never enough. He is empty inside. He squeezed my soul out like a lemon, enjoying the attention I was giving him, while I was mentally dying. Partially because I felt so drained, and partially because I wanted to be as much of a wonder for him as he was for me.
Girls, guys, please, always - and I mean ALWAYS - remember how valuable you are. Never let anyone treat you this way.
I'm really sorry you felt that way...as a Man i experienced similar cases with plenty of women that in opposite, they always said to me they liked my patience and how i showed genuine interest In them as a person, asking them how they felt about it and not only what happened In their lifes, usually they shared intimate secrets and i did the same cause i felt comfortable, but as Time passes i saw the difference In their responses compared to my and i started to ote the lack of interest In engaging to know More about me, only reaching to ask me questions they only we're interested and i reciprocated digging More, when i wanted to share the same and expect similar interest In digging deeper...i receive nothing...or just short and superficial questions or reaction like "ohh that's too bad", the worst parte was when i noticed they started to repeat questions i already answered with full details un previous convos, when i always remembered and noted the important details of their lives and follow up throught, i got nothing or too Little In return.
Sounds exhausting indeed. It seems their issue might have been that they were so much of an airhead that they became cursed to fill their head, for as fleeting of a moment as it would before it would fizzle away and need re filing again, forevermore.
How would you like him to treat you or ask you? Am asking because I want to treat my girl right
If I heard a man describe a woman as "empty inside" because she likes gigs and experiences, I'd think that man is pretty judgemental to a woman who just prefers different things. Just date someone with similar interests.
"I wanted to ask him "just one more question", and then ask five more in a row... and I really-really-really wanted to get to know him"
It sounds like you were the one who wanted to ask many questions, but then you portray him as the one demanding this as if he's "draining" you of curiosity. It might be that you just interact through questions, and that's okay!
Also the way you mention that you had feelings, it seems that you think he didn't. If he wanted to call you everyday then he definitely cared about you - that's more than most men or women in committed relationships!
I cannot tell you how many women I've met on dating apps who just talk about themselves or only answer questions but don't ask me anything. It's not specific to genders... Its a personality type trait. One that's not for me, reciprocity is much more attractive to me.
A tip to those looking in the comment section because they're distraught by the beginning portion of the video, give it a try. It's not a man hating video.
I just noticed the amount of dislikes is all and having watched the entire video I don't think that's valid, other than by what I wrote above this.
For me I noticed more so as an observeration that this might be a man hating video by the beginning portion. But your demeanor, tone and choice of words had me curious about where the video was going, and I certainly don't regret having watched it all the way through.
It was a nice and thought-provoking listen. Paused it sometimes to discuss with myself what I thought of what you were talking about in the moment. Like when the comparison was made that women's conversation is cooperative and men's is competitive. I didn't recognize myself in that as a man. Then I tossed and turned the topic and concluded that it is a matter of perspective. Although I do recon by the last portion of the video, that I'm more of an asker, in which as is implied in the video that men would typically be open talkers, maybe I don't at all have the perspective of a man as I thought I would by what's in ma pants.
I thought of an analogy of a duel. Naturely the analogy is from myself as a man, a duel made sense.
The man enters the duel (conversation) forcing himself to be more cooperative, suppressing his competitive nature. He takes out a knife and stabs himself in the gut before the duel commences. He lowers the chance of himself 'winning'. This goes against his tendency of seeking to perform as best he can (against a man he expects his opponent to have this same tendency, and would therefor not need to stab himself).
The woman entering this competitive plane of a duel (this part of the analogy doesn't transfer over, as conversation, explained in the video and meant to be exemplified in this analogy is neither innately cooperative or competitive), realizes that her opponent is more accustomed to this type of exchange, she thereby forces herself to come up with underhanded methods in order for there to be hope of a fair duel.
She lowers the risk of herself 'losing'. This goes against her tendency of wanting to bring forth the best in the other person (against a woman she expects her opponent to have this same tendency, and would therefor not need to for example; throw sand in the opponents face).
It is a matter of perspective. In accordance to the analogy, opposing the same gender in a duel. The woman doesn't feel that by being cooperative she is lowering her chances of 'winning', and the man does not feel that by being competitive he is "forced" to try his best in order to have a chance of 'winning'. It feels natural, their typical respective ways, to both genders.
Unstructured brain vomit ahead:
I am an open-sharer. Asking questions is really hard for me. It feels like it stops the flow of the conversation, almost unnatural. I have started giving a disclaimer before dates that I struggle to come up with questions and I'm not disinterested, just autistic, and that I'd welcome it if they interrupt me if they have something that relates to my thing even in the loosest sense of the word.
I have learned to do the occasional "and what about you". Another thing I ask is "what are you passionate about? please go into as much excruciating detail as you desire".
The thing is that this often doesn't work with the type that asks questions. They will give very short answers that make it impossible to start an actual flowing conversation.
Maybe it's the Autism but I really do feel socially stunted when a person doesn't share anything freely without me asking specifically for that information.
Honestly, other AuDHD people, who are often open sharers, are the easiest to talk to and we'll have lively, hours long conversations without having to ask a single question apart from clarification/details.
Its crazy society pretty much tells men their achievements are their entire worth. As someone very new to dating I've talked to 3 guys so far, the first one asked a lot of questions, but in a way that felt like he was comparing himself to me and he seemed disheartened that i was more "interesting" than him?
Second guy didn't really ask me questions first but did reciprocate most things i asked. But even still it didnt seem like he cared what my answers were, he'd acknowledge what i said briefly then move on.
Third guy was like a happy medium. We both asked things and compared our personalities, without him feeling insecure about which one of us was more interesting or achieved. He mainly grew up around women which is interesting to note.
Don’t use the society excuse
I strongly suspect that when a lot of the psychological studies mentioned say ‘men’ what they really mean is ‘American men’. I think the American conception of masculinity is heavily shaped by their history and other cultures won’t necessarily view it the same way.
@@runningcommentary2125 Not just that, but men they've been on dates with. So, men who are attractive to them. That shrinks the pool down to a puddle.
This video was so interesting! I have never heard of these different communication styles before, and now my social dynamics with my friends make a lot more sense! This is actually really cool and more ppl should talk about it. Thanks for sharing!
Great video! It's funny, when you're in school to be a therapist you learn how to ask a questions and reflect information according to a certain rhythm , like 2 questions, one reflection kind of thing (as well as how to track a conversation). You kinda learn how to have a conversation on manual mode instead of automatic. They also make you watch recordings of yourself in sessions which can be kinda excruciating but it's useful to draw attention to your own tendencies.