When narcissists HARM YOU and then expect a HUG...
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After tearing you apart they pretend as if nothing happened and sleep peacefully. And you're left devastated..
Then it starts all over again . Dumping their uncomfortable emotions gives them immediate relief .
I feel that 😔
💯💯💯💯
Omg! Yes!!!
Could not agree more. Spot on.
My favorites are “you’re too sensitive. You let things bother you too much. You know I love you.”
They make you feel like you have to 'ask' to be loved. If you actually ask them if they do love you they turn it into a game. They won't directly answer the question. It's just an opportunity for them to mess with your head and emotions. You walk away from that still wondering if they love you. You get the weird, fake hug and it feels 'yes' like you're being violated. Truly sick. Often they will answer a question literally with the 'smirk'. The 'grin'. Totally gross.
No shit!!!
"Of course I love you! I'm here, aren't I?"
"I said I was sorry." Then continues the same behavior.
Mine said he never told me how he made “ a few small financial mistakes” ie meaning he had stolen all my retirement money, let the house go into foreclosure and run up all our credit cards because “ You just don’t like to hear bad news”. EVIL. Only solution is to get far away from people like this.
They insult you, yell you, cheat you, hurt you and then continue to behave as if nothing happened. After all this chaos, drama and tantrum they continue to demand you love, hug and trust themselves shamelessly. Thanks Dr.Ramani❤
Yep! You're such a 'cherished friend' to people in public but they haven't spoken a word to you since you disagreed with them)
Crazy!
And manage to blame you and bring up past arguments convincing you you’re horrible and ruined everything for them with a few nice compliments 💩 “ sprinkled on like trash
Hugging a narcissist, especially a malignant one is like hugging a poisonous snake.
Yes
And I’m fully here for it 💅
Hugging a covert narcissist feels like huggin a corpse. No emotion, lifeless, empty.
Thanks for explaining how having a tantrum helps the narcissist regulate. I never realized it makes them feel powerful.
Had a narcissistic customer at my work. Basically, I couldn't serve him/do what he wanted (manager said no), and he just stood there like, "Okay, and...? When is what I want gonna happen?"
So I told him, again, "I'm sorry sir, it's not possible." And he just stood there, like it was going to happen, like he was the king.
This went on and on, again and again, until I burst into tears from frustration and annoyance.
He was like "oh what, so ur crying now? Boohoo." (in a mock tone)
and then he smiled.
You could see him making me cry/upset made him happy.
They are sick people.
@@specialtwice4975 Me too. When I realized my ex got pleasure out of upsetting me, I had to do radical acceptance all over again.
I swear, they want to see how many times we forgive them when they say sorry until we finally had enough. Then when we had enough they get other people to abuse you and call you crazy to cement their final act. I should be flattered.
I had a friend stomp her feet like a two year old & BELLOW at me like a bull in an airport. With an airport staff member looking on, which I felt somewhat embarrassed about. She was mid 60s at the time!
Honestly, I would have just walked off and never see her again- except I had a pile of my stuff at her house and that pile included my 1960s vintage childhood teddy bear, so I didn't want to upset her any further. After that horrible and ridiculous stomping and bellowing (and other very inappropriate stuff), she seemed capable of doing more damage.
@@elipotter369I had a friend who once, angry at me for some perceived slight, stormed off to her car and drove away, leaving me stranded in a small Cornish village while on holiday, miles from our let and hundreds of miles from home. I waited…. Sure enough, she came back to find me because this was the era of roadmaps and she couldn’t read one. She expected me to apologise, hug her and rescue her!
It's ASTOUNDING how so MANY of us are falling victim to the behavior and actions of the Narcissist ; all the while we are left traumatized, uncertain, and our Souls SHATTERED!
Empathetic, healthy people feel sorry for their actions and the hurt they may have caused someone. 😢❤
@@keithwittman4741
And we seek to make it right..
And after 30 years of this, he can’t understand why I can no longer be intimate, or the audacity of me want to retire from this and move on. He wants to date and have online relationships but expects me to stay until he finds my replacement but is having trouble finding anyone with as much self-sacrificing empathy.
I never did understand why after these events I walk around verbally repeating “I hate myself.” The hug and trauma bond happens, and I have no right to ever be angry or set boundaries. Life goes right back to “normal,” but I am just left with this feeling of absolute self loathing.
And then as we come out of this trap, we inevitably hate ourselves more for being so unbelievably stupid.
@@RachelAnn27
You weren't ever stupid, Rachel! Everyone here fell for the love bombing initially, then tried to deal with the aftermath, with confusion, then the whole thing of, maybe I can be a better wife. That will help. Because we have a hard time believing this man could be doing these things on purpose.
If you're able to leave, even at this late date, I would do that. The peace you would have is unbelievable! If at all possible, make him find his "other" when you're gone.
There would be feelings of nostalgia because it's what you're familiar with, but if you're gone, stay gone and pamper yourself! You really deserve it!
Take care of you.. 💕
❤️please know so many others love you waaay more than than these a**holes could ever attempt to prove otherwise!
Love & Joy are “inside jobs”
❤
- Recovering
one step at a time
I always heard, “I’m sorry you feel that way.” Or yelled at me “I said that I’m sorry, now get over it, now!”
I can't believe how sick I feel after listening to this. I guess my body DID keep the score.
I had no idea until I asked for a divorce what a narcissist my cheating husband is. Good riddance to him and his girlfriend. I feel so stupid.
@jenmonroe712 So glad you divorced him rather than allow yourself to be used as a doormat. He will cheat on her too! Give it time. Cheaters don’t change. And you will be living your best life without that anchor holding you down!
Was thinking the same.
Everything about is sick. They're sick, they make you sick and the behaviour is sick.
Being trauma bonded to a narcissist will destroy you. I had to go no contact to save myself.
GOOD 4 U !!!!
After the hug she says “I love you very much.” And it feels so awful I could almost puke on the spot. But I just try to get away as soon as possible without causing problems.
They don't, because they literally have NO ability to love. They are jealous, lying, destructive energy vampires who actually want to disable people who have tried to love them. The worst of the worst. Do NOT try to make sense of their behavior...It will drive you mad. You cannot have a discussion with them, forget it. They will destroy your mind and break your Spirit. Do NOT engage.
Yep, it got to the point my dad could feel my revulsion even though reactions weren't allowed, least of all crying. Only made him double down though. It's mindblowing the power trips these filth indulge in.
@honesttraito
I could puke on the spot just remembering that I once lived through that type of appalling behaviour!
I refuse to have my family members, or anyone, touch me because it makes me physically ill. I can see the sludge around them.
This describes my life for 34 years. After he was done “getting the pus out” as he would say he would exclaim “well, I feel better now!”. The thought of even touching him made me physically ill. He would even ask for a handshake sometimes if he knew asking for a hug or even sex was out of the question. Seriously! He enjoyed watching my discomfort and would then say I was the one with the problem.
It is exactly like they are popping a big emotional zit.
It's sadism they're feeding off your discomfort
They always say “YOU ARE THE PROBLEM”…
I am sorry you have been dealing with this for so long. I am in it 34 years as well. My eyes were opened in 2023 when he moved me away from my support system and failed to keep the promises that got me to move. I broke and nearly took my life. Thank God for a wonderful woman who recognized I was in trouble and took me to get help. Please take care of yourself. Seek help if you can. Sending love and best wishes.
@@rachelshowers7209 Oh, I’m out. I left at the end of 2022. Divorced now over a year. I will be healing for a long time though. We live in the same town and I see him regularly so it’s difficult. I have a support system, though, so I’m very grateful that he didn’t move me away from that. He had his own way of isolating me over the course of our marriage which was pretty effective, though. I’m building a life for myself free of him and I’ve never been happier.
One I know doesn't do the hug, but they get giggly and cutesty. It's a combination of a high from being fed, an attempt to charm their victim. It's icky
This behavior, in which they expect the target of abuse to "forgive and forget" without an authentic apology, is more evidence of their lack of empathy and whole object relations. These folks are not capable of perceiving another person aa fully human. Maybe it is because they are so cut off from their authentic selves. But no matter the root of this behavior, it is deeply disrespectful, entitled, and dehumanizing.
Thanks for this, narcissists weaponise forgiveness as a “clean slate, start over, get out of jail free” card. Be the bad guy and don’t let them
They expect forgiveness with no apology or introspection. In fact, they refuse to see that they did anything wrong.
This whole idea of having to forgive for your own sake was invented by narcissists. Unforgivable is a word for a reason.
Thank you for this comment. I've been coming to the conclusion that I'm going to have to be the bad guy, which I've never done consciously before.
It's bad enough that they don't and won't apologize but if they do, their "I'm sorry" doesn't deserve an "it's ok".
I m sorry doesn't work if they repeat their bad behavior .
Oh I am sorry you feel the need to be upset and offended.
@@theresesilvawalker8407 or the, I'm sorry IF I upset you & I didn't mean to upset you. You sure as hell did mean to upset me & I'm not crying just to manipulate you!! So sick & twisted!!
It's a test. They create a reason to apologize and then they exact your forgiveness to prove to you both that they control you. This push and pull is emotional rape.
The one that abused me said 'I've made a mistake....' and then went on for about half an hour about who he was involved with!!!! So basically he side-stepped, surprise surprise!! Not interested..... no apology, no sensitivity, no compassion, no empathy, no insight, no explanation..... no thanks!
And then you DO hug them and they STILL find reasons to rage at you, i.e. accusing your hug of not being genuine enough and accusing you of being fake, abuse you even harder for the rest of the day, and then demand more out of you to “make it up” to them. *You can’t win.*
So true. The games rigged so you can never win.
Mine asks be to press my stomach into his and give him a real hug. I cringe so much and I hate having to fake it. My boundary was no hugs because he kissed me on the neck one time when I did and now he’s found a way to make me tear down that boundary. I broke up with him like two months ago now after finding out he was sleeping with escorts. It’s as if he’s trying to force the trauma bond. Even told me how he’s trying to bond with me just like his mother told me even though it means the opposite. They are really trying to destroy you. When they say they weren’t trying to do something it usually always means the opposite.
I left him three years ago after 30 years of marriage. Until I saw this video, I had always believed that I was too narrow-minded to forgive. But after watching the video and seeing many people's comments, I learned that it is normal not to want to be hugged by someone after being verbally abused. My ex-husband used to say. "I vent by yelling at you and then forget about it immediately, but you hold onto it and won't forgive me." " I am angry at you not because I don't love you but because I don't like what you do. But you don't love me unconditionally, which is why you will always hold a grudge." "I'm angry because you keep your distance from me when a hug would make me less angry. " He always wanted sex after the conflict. I had to give in so I could have a brief moment of peace. If I did not, my ex's silent treatment would continue for many more days. Thank you Dr. Ramani and all. Finally, I knew the sensations and humiliation I felt those days were not abnormal.
I use to think my narcissistic ex was bipolar (before I found Dr. Ramani) because he could go from "normal" to raging about his dad putting too much salt on a dish (which caused him to throw a tantrum, throwing the entire dish out with the plate, cursing at his dad, kicking furniture, etc) then 5 mins later he would act like nothing happened and ask me if I want to go out for ice cream. Total psycho behavior. Major red flags I look out for now.
Haha sounds like my mother and father. Both we're Like that.
Luckily I am not like them. But suffered a lot through it.
And have to learn that to have boundaries, is OK. And that I am allowed to say No, when I mean No and stick to it. And that I don't play their games anymore.
For years my Mom told the rest of the family that I don’t like to be hugged. The truth is I didn’t like to be hugged by her but they all believed her and nobody hugs me, which, at this point, is fine. I’m close to no contact.
I didn't like my back touched, period.
I’ve been no contact for at least a year and a half going down two years.
My uncle unfortunately passed away this morning.
I’m staying away & the supportive family members totally understand .
@@Byebandit50 I'm sorry for your loss. ❤️🩹
When I refused hugs I got called "a withholding bitch". The truth is I just found the person gross.
My mom did the same. As a child I was often told to remove my clothing and whipped (disciplined) with an electrical extention cord because "spare the rod" . . blah blah blah. Afterward she'd tell me that holding anger in my heart was a sin and she only did it because she loved me and forced me to hug her to prove I was not angry. She claimed I would understand better when I became a mother. It became crystal clear to me as a mom that I could never do that to my child or anyone else.
"They regulate by conflict." It's just that simple.
Wow, its like you're a fly on the wall in my house! What's even worse than wanting a hug is their desire to be intimate after treating me like an emotional trash can, then getting angry all over again when I don't want to even be touched after all that. Then I'm the one with the problems, unforgiving, resentful & frigid. Looking forward to the new book!!
My ex was the same too
I'm so so sorry. It is so disintegrating and violating. I hope you are able to make your way out. Sending inner resilience and love/ self-worth ❤️
These videos help so VERY MUCH in knowing I’m not alone.. I’m getting ‘educated’ (I didn’t know such a thing as narcissism even existed sadly).. wouldn’t wish the experience on ANYONE
Yes.. Dr Ramini is like a fly on the wall!
It is exhausting. The acting as if nothing ever happened has always driven me nuts.
Yes...he said i was dead inside
And this is, I think, why both of my parents actively hated me. As even a small child, I think they knew I thought something was wrong with them.
Same here. And you knowing and being smarter or better than them in any way is their worst nightmare. Cause they lose their imaginary control over you and you can get away and move on - be happy and free. I'm at the end of a sadistic plot by all of my family and relatives, they have turned on me and let the mask fall one by one. They are all covert narc pedophiles with delicate egos who loves violence and I don't know if I will live or die. They are full of malice and hold onto me like leeches, sucking me dry and making as much damage they can possibly get away with.
This type of behavior can really upset a person and can make them want to RETALIATE in the worse way due to the repeated abuse. Its a sick twisted dance they play. It stayed happening to me when I was younger.😢
Yes they are very careful to pick codependent people etc.
I can't tell you how many times I've thought what if I was disordered, pushed to the brink, criminally minded, apt to lose my self-control - and natured to lash out, instead of internalizing and being destroyed on the inside?!
They know that we are the type they need, that's why they stick to us.
They always turn it back on you. Even if it makes no sense. But then confusion and inconsistency is one of the narcissists many tools.
Narcissists are people that come into your LIFE to show you what LOVE is, not.
Or other way around you came into their life and they wanted to show what love is not
The one I briefly dated certainly made me securely solidify my boundaries after being out of the dating world for 20 years.
And how to let go because it's so tough
Absolutely agree. Coming out of a horrendous relationship with a covert nac. I'm thankful for this experience as I have definitely sharpened my antena to detect subtle manipulation and guilt tripping. If some approaches me and shows just a slight narcissistic disrespect, I don't lose a second to entertain them. I know exactly how to spot them, and don't feel like I have to go out to save anyone who can't put effort to help themsleves first.
They most definitely show us how to love ourselves better
The term “Adult pacifier” is so very perfect! That’s exactly what I’ve been for years until I finally put up my boundaries!
That was the story of my relationship with my narcissistic father in childhood: after hours of tantrums, during which he said the worst thing possible, he came, smiling, visibly relieved, trying to caress me or give me a hug. This was usually accompanied by "There's no one who likes you more than dad." If I flinched (because I felt terrified by what had happened before and because I wanted him to be miles away from me), he would slap me and the tantrum would return, with an even more destructive emphasis on me. I never remember my mother (another narcissist, much more silent, wearing the mask of sweatness) interfering or protecting me or validating my discomfort.
I can relate to you. It feels downright scary and bone-achingly painful. I have both narcissistic parents. My suppressed anger turned to hate. I wasn't allowed to cry and feel angry towards them because if i do I get punished even more so i tried my best to suppress my feelings and emotions growing up. I didn't know how to recognize what i feel or didn't know what I feel. Worse I didn't know that I exist. It is vey devastating. And then I ended up marrying a narcissist. I married my own mother. Its been decades of a hellish experience.
@@FindingTheLightWithin Its been about two decades and a half for me I ever since I was born to a narcissistic mother and having a narcissistic sister a year after. I will avoid getting into anymore narcissistic relationships, especially marriage if I will ever have one.
Strange that so many people are like this sick. Or is it only that I think this, because WE are here on this channel in a bubble?
But actually in real life I see a lot of people acting the same way.
All are so far away from Love and themselves. Like if the devil would switch in and out of them. Because they are not selfaware and have no high moral standards where after they act. They just let the devil act through them. It's easier than always be concious and deal with your own emotional and wants before acting.
That is of course more work.
But that's a way to Love others, by not harming them.
They don't understand that.
@@FindingTheLightWithinyes, that happens often. My ex was like my mother and father together. A real devilish experience.
It's all about healing and realizing the truth and recover from it and get strong boundaries then and forever.
Through them we learn that.
I've found it to be two-fold on why they harm you then expect you to like them: once they've "put you in your place" and dominated you, then they don't see you as the threat you were for that moment. This means they can go back to the masking behaviour that encourages you to treat them well. So the two-fold is their need to be "the best"/on top and also to get you to feed them the adoration and love they need to see.
All u speak is gold! I LOVE U WOMAN!!!
At some point he started to not give a hug after his outbursts because he thinks holding back physical affection gives him more power & control because physical touch is my love language.
Me too . Then after he sexually exploited me and was absent for four years . He showed up to the hospital where our daughter was and had the nerve to ask if I wanted a hug . I said no , yes , no , no and walked away . So gross .
Spot on . Rage, then after goes in for the hug, always. Then acts all hurt because I don't want to be hugged. The narc wants me to forget instantly that they have just acted appallingly , whilst my body is still flooded with cortisol & I'm reeling from what just happened.
LOL. True. Narc misplaced documents. Blamed me. Said I was messy and always move things on purpose. They found the document (where they left it) and then said casually are you ready to go with a smile and a grope. In the past that would have frustrated me. All I said was "Nope wasn't me". I let them run around screaming and didn't help them look. When they said they were ready to go I said "ok" and smiled back. They don't know what to do if you don't play along or respond.
Mother grabbed me by the arm and pushed me when I was 10 yrs old standing on the edge of the Grand Canyon, she pulled me back when my dad and brother walked up and she yelled at me not to get to close to the edge. She grinned and whispered, "I can take you out." It was then I realized I really was never going to be safe with her. Not the only time she pulled this kind of thing on me. I will never forget that evil grin she gets when she's done it.
I'm so sorry.
I hope you don't still have her in your life anymore
I believe you! Such evil
...😢
Omg 😢
That is horrifying. I hope you found sane kind friends later on in life to rebuild your trust that people can be safe.
This is a pattern of Intermittent Reinforcement
Not always. Sometimes the offer of a hug is only a ruse designed to afford them another convenient enough to them opportunity to physically abuse us some more during a too tight for us to breathe hug. Then if we get away whenever we associate with a potential real marriage partner word always gets around to them about how we should be disposed of or what kind of deviant behavior we would be willing to accept. On top of it all while being isolated then all from their comunal narcissism start offering false accusations of us being gay and/or a liar to anyone who will listen regardless of how many children we have birthed into the world prior just for how we swore off romance in general for awhile. If we are lucky enough to be on the average looking side instead of being good looking as someone like Heath Ledger or like Mrs. Obama then we have less chance of being talked about behind our back about being gay whenever we are unemployed or underemployed while business owners out there do not like it when then so many of their customers start assuming that everyone working there is gay not too long after we start working there. Or worse being homeless or else get hired to be only pretending that we are gay.
Exactly! They give you "just enough" to keep coming back, whenever they sense they may have gone too far.
@evavalleyLotusGoat Yeah, and you and they know they actually weren't kidding at all! Just another attempt to make you feel like YOU'RE too sensitive. Just another mind-eff!
my childhood was filled with
yelling, rage, invalidation, gaslighting, and emotional incest from my mom. and with every incident she expected me to kiss and make up and never mention it again. when I was 17 she ruined my life by blaming me for her separation with my dad, even though the reality was she was caught cheating on dad, by me. she verbally abused the hell out of me for something she needed to take accountability for. she told me verbatim she would make my life a living hell, and she was very correct. I was so depressed and didnt want to live anymore for years after. 10 years have passed now and she acts like we’re best buds, but she never truly apologized for anything and acts like nothing has ever been wrong between us. she acts so sweet with me now but im just waiting for the last shoe to drop. I want a happy, healthy relationship with my mom more than anything in the world, but im never gonna get it, and im devastated about that. its been 10 years but it feels like it happened yesterday, and I just cant ever let it go. Thank you, Dr. Ramani, for your videos. I feel so validated because of you. ❤️
It is very difficult mourning a lost childhood. Realising as an adult child that now you have to properly parent yourself because your parents never did it. But it is possible and actually, most people are fully capable of doing a far better job !
My mother was / is vile. A very dysfunctional covert narcissist.
I have very limited contact with her now.
It took me a very long time to realise what was going on - this channel actually helped me put all the pieces together !!
So yes, I get it.
I too live without that genuine, authentic, healthy mother - daughter relationship.
It’s sad. But honestly - now that I see what she’s like and knowing I’ve chosen guilt (which I’m learning to manage through therapy) over resentment (which would’ve grown by turning a blind eye or tolerating her selfish bullshit) I feel better every single day.
So I hope you find your way to your happiness - without her - because it is possible 🌺🌸❤️
My father's special move was suddenly wanting a family picture of us smiling and cuddling, after yelling at us what a disappointment we were at the top of his lungs for like half an hour...the awkward family pictures with red, wet eyes and forced smiles and him being the only one looking fresh and smily in the middle still exist somewhere in a storage box. Already as a child it made me angry, and the beginning of my teenager rebellion was refusing to be in those shots at all. Like, what makes you think you can cheer me up from the harm you inflicted on me (of course without even apologizing or acknowledging it), and what makes you think forcing me to smile with social pressure and the threat of being seen and captured makes anything "better"...
Oh god. That’s exactly what my kids and me go the with my husband. All those years of photos I can’t bear to look at, because of the expressions in our eyes. I thought I was alone in that for so long. They use it as a weapon.
YES! I’m her “adult pacifier” - BRILLIANT. Sorry for so many comments today but this one his home for me SO MUCH
Yeah...like they want your forgiveness...I hate being touched by them.
My ex used to do this.
He would betray, insult, argue, then want to hold my hand.
If I refused, it was a new fight 😖😭
The tantrums I’ve witnessed are usually followed by their calm & expectation that you didn’t just observe it. 🤦🏻♀️
Yup I went through this with my narcissistic ex. He'd spend hours on end screaming and shreiking at me (often breaking stuff in his rages) and refuse to say sorry afterwards. Then once he was done I was expected to smile and act romantic and sweet as pie. If I didn't start acting overjoyed immediately I was accused of being negative,oversensitive,unforgiving,unreasonable,and perfectionistic. These moments were later brought up and used as evidence that I was the problem in the relationship. However the worst part of all of this for me was that if I tried to fake happiness and be "positive" in order to not get yelled at some more I would get yelled at because I'm sooo mean for failing to appreciate what a" bleephole" his life is and it's sooo unfair that I can be happy when he's having such a rotten time. So if I'm miserable being yelled at I have toxic negativity and if I smile, laugh and play the cheerleader I have toxic positivity. Healthy relationships are impossible under such no win scenarios! If you can get out now and run! Your mental health is precious!
lovebombing and gaslighting are starting to become a parallel reality norm 🤦🏾♂️the 🤷🏽♂️twlight zone couldn't come up with this type of madness
Yes. And when I said to such a lovebomber, that it's hard that he was telling me all that and it was a lie.
He just said: I shall Not believe everything one is telling me. Because it just was a joke. 😮
( After three or four weeks daily getting phoned and lovebombed and Future faked. Luckily I got over it quickly, because it was so fresh and not allready a relationship and no sex. It only was the dating time. But so hard, how they lie and play games, just to feel wanted from someone and then drop you because of being afraid you could drop them , and Out of secure reasons, they go back to another person, they we're together with , in the past.
But my fault was, that I believed him his words, allthough I found something strange about him in the first moment I saw him. I pushed that gut feeling away, because I was so happy to believe I had found a Like minded partner that shares same interests than me. Uh....so it was my needyness, that didn't want to face the truth.
And I guess that happens to a lot of people here!...
Of course, they should not lie and futurefake to us. But some people are crazy and have no good standards. So it's up to us, to look without needyness and See ckearly, what this is for a person. How they treat us?
How they treat others?
How they treat animals?
When you go Out for dinner, what do they do or say?
He said, he would invite me, but then he ordered the food and it was only one salad and one pizza. And he said, WE share this. It's enough. That showed the way he handles money and how he dominantes others.
In the Back view, I am highly glad, that he decided for someone from his past. Because that saved me from getting another bad relationship. Thanks God!).
"Come on. You can't be mad at someone when they hug you." Then he tries to initiate deeper physical intimacy. When I reject it, it's another explosion. There is no talking or working anything through. Never resolution.
Oh goodness. This makes so much sense about why I wanted to avoid my mother’s hugs and affection after she raged at me as a child. It was always so confusing and made me feel awful that I had to hug her but very guilty if she didn’t. She would even say so..”What, you don’t appreciate all I do for you?” What a mindf**k for a kid.
Your mother = my parents. Esp my father. The raging alcoholic.
Pathetic isn’t it.
This couldn’t have been more spot on 😮 It’s a disgraceful feeling when you also want to make up/ hug but it feels so dirty.
When the Narc explains this to others (oh, I tried to make up, I offered a loving hand…), people around think, jeez why don’t you just make up already? He/She-Narc is being so nice to you!
Yep. Or that you're ''hard to get''. I don't play with anyone's emotions if I say no, that's a no, chances are it took me some time to get to that ultimate conclusion, so I'm not playing hard to get, I literally recoil from hearing about the narcissist, nevermind being in the same room with him.
Oh, jeez... yeah, it seems that the biggest strength for the narcissist lies on the other people. Not only for getting their fix of validation, but also because society as a whole holds on insipid, simplistic values... full of judgement for those who do not conform, no matter if there is a valid reason for not conforming. When it's not the narcissist guilt-tripping you, it's the other people.
Manipulative, fake, insideous
You just described my relationship exactly, 100%! I would be trembling after his tirade! Seconds later, he would ask or comment like nothing had happened! At that point, I went to my favorite room! Finally, after 44 years of this, I left him this last September! He was in the bedroom weeping with his stepsister. I felt nothing! I feel lost right now, my therapist says it can take a while to find my footing. He ruined the 20 yr old person I was and NEVER will see again!
Time is a great healer
And you will once again find yourself
Well done in leaving him. Once we no longer care about them, feel absolutely nothing, that's when we're done with the relationship. It took real strength to do that, strength you've always had, cos it takes strength to put up with their toxic behaviour for so long. Be kind to yourself, ive read so many books over the past 6 years, watched many you tune videos, Dr.Ramani has definitely been instrumental in my healing process. I found whenever I did something to move closer to applying for a divorce that I'd end up in bed for weeks at a time. The more I was taking back control, the more sick I felt. I don't feel like that anymore. Me ex passed away last year and that's been a whole other mind f..k. I feel that was always going to happen, was the only way that would stop him stalking and trying anything for contact. Best wishes to you, 💜 it doesn't matter how long it takes to leave them, we are now free and I'd rather be on my own with none of the chaos and drama, than be living in fear of the next outbursts.
After 44 years of the awfulness, andcthe pretending in public that it was all normal, it will take some time to get your full authentic self back, but it will happen!
That was the day I left him
Once I saw that clear
I was like wait why is he hugging me
A minute a go he threw all the stuff on the door and yelled
I left
Blocked
Got my life back
Or more clear. Got my heart and gentle soul
Back
This is insanity
It really is! I've just got the courage to leave him.. Moved over 300 miles away and he still calls me! I called the DA .. he's relentless and crazy as aboonjug!
My father had the EXACT screaming tantrum about the keys except instead of berating and belittling just one person he held 3 people hostage to his rage. Then he found his keys in his pocket and stomped out wordlessly.
They weren’t even his car keys. They were the spare keys to my mothers car which he uses because he doesn’t want to put miles on his own. He at no point even needed them to leave the house.
The irrationality and anger of the narcissist is limited only by their imagination.
This used to happen a lot, & it made me feel such a gross feeling. I finally said, "i really don't feel comfortable with physical touch when I'm still processing all this you just did to me." It felt like i was being forced to forgive before processing what had just happened, & it made me feel sick. So he stopped. Now he does other passive aggressive things to make me feel his anger.
With the keys, he didn't usually think i moved them, but he still thought that any time he loses something, everyone in the room, especially me, better drop what they're doing & search until it's found.
FEAR of not knowing if they will SNAP in the middle of the hug.
Yes Dr Ramani you are spot on with your video.
I went through this in my 29 year marriage, I have been divorced for 4 years and every day is a reminder of how my ex always blamed me for his affair and his bad treatment to our adult children and me.
I was by his standards a grudgingly, lazy, I didn’t know how to speak and make sense, I was fat and I turned his adult children against him.
Just a couple of reasons why he blames me for our children not wanting him in their lives. My son didn’t have the physical appearance of all American athlete and was his scapegoat. My daughter was his favorite and his princess and was going to be a medical doctor, but because of a traumatic experience that came out when she was in college, she went from a 4.0 gpa to 2.5. Then we didn’t meet his high expectations of a perfect family. This is when his narcissistic personality came out full force. He called our daughter a piece of shit and threatened to kick our son out of the house.
I remember being a water park with his extended family and he asked me to go in to the pool with him. Out of the blue while we were in the pool, he said to me he didn’t love me anymore. Ready for the cherry on top. He is chewing gum and tells me to get close to him and give him a kiss and of course I am in shock and frozen not just physically but mentally, but I do what he asked and in the kiss he transferred his gum into my mouth 🤢🤮….I wanted to die.
Thank you doctor for bringing awareness of narcissism to the victims and other mental health professionals 🙏🏼🌟🌹😊.
P.S. my son is a mechanic and manager for Tesla and my daughter has 2 more years to get her PhD in science and a masters in computer programming.
I'm so glad you finally left, I've seen so many sweet people just put up with that poison for their whole lives. I'm so glad your children are doing well also.
Oh my goodness @roseorosco154 that story of what happened in the pool at the water park is beyond horrifying. Unbelievable. I thought the cherry on top would be that he then kissed you after he said he didn’t love you, but what he did was some twisted evil sh-. Who would even think to do that? I am so sorry and it is great that you are gone, and your kids sounds like they have great judgment for not wanting relationship with that sleaze. A man who calls his daughter a piece of sh- doesn’t deserve to be a father. It sounds like you have a great relationship with your wonderful kids and it is so much better than he is out of your lives. And he will cheat on and emotionally abuse his new girlfriends too.
I feel like you’re the only one that truly understands. You really can’t explain this to the average person.
Thank you Dr. Ramani 🥹
My covert narcissist (soon to be ex) husband told me he'd fallen in love with 4 other women and told me he wanted my help to "figure it out." I wasn't allowed to be heartbroken by the confession, I was expected to play therapist. That was the moment that made me realize I'd spent years swallowing my own feelings and hurts to coddle his "guilt" for hurting ME
That is awful. I'm so sorry.
4!!!!! I'm so glad you said soon to be ex!
He needs all of those female lackeys in order to get supply...Which means to live off of their energy. The narc who I left literally started to twitch and get crawly when he needed to get out and feed his demons. He used to.walk around WALMART to look at young girls and try to get attention. Or the drugstore. Or the Drs. office, dentist office, hardware store, Wendys, gas stations, the bank, restaurants...Basically anywhere there was somebody female who had a pulse. He even got excited speaking to a female on the phone. He also scoped adolescent girls, which was disgusting. The man was 68 years old. When people give into lust, they get turned into something abnormal. Get away and stay away. And get rid of anything that makes a connection with him...Pictures, cards, letters, gifts...None of it is worth giving him a connection to you. He will absolutely try to win you back, also, with lies and false promises. They get off on jerking people around and seeing how much you'll take after being betrayed. A true narcissist actually wants to destroy anyone that has the capacity for love. They hate you for your love. And you mean nothing to them, nothing.
@clericoflight476
Dotto, it’s amazing how DEVOID of empathy they are. Try dealing with someone that is overlapped with multiple personalities. They are evil incarnate.
Run and don’t look back.
WTH!!!! OMG! I am so sorry you are going through this 😢
"I'm not perfect like you are". I've heard that one many times, for years...
Same
The title caught my eye because this happened to me yesterday. My 85-year-old stepmom offered to water my three plants while I was out of town for a month. I brought them to her house. She then through a fit and told my dad, her husband (with dementia), he was in charge of watering. When i got back, a thriving 3 foot peace lilly had all its leaves touching the ground dying. This plant was a gift and my favorite, like my baby. Instead of apologizing, or sending me a photo while i was gone asking "what should we do?" she found pleasure in seeing me suffer. I think her goal was for me to get upset with my dad. Anyhow, she proceeded to come up to me and give me a welcome home hug. Evil.
It’s not always as extreme as rage. Sometimes it’s calm arrogance. And if you push back at all you pay for it. Maybe later with calm arrogant proclamations. “Since you did “this” I will now do what I want with no comments from you.” Or you get the silent treatment. Never ever ever is there self reflection let alone an apology. They will go on as if nothing. Or out of the blue give you a hug. I realize now that it’s just compliance training. Go along to get along. It’s their world and your here to make it easier for them.
"Compliance"! -- I used that word recently to describe the actual desired effect wherein "respect" would be a mere pseudonym. And if you're following this channel, you can easily guess what happened next. 😉
woow last sentence is so on point!
This was the marriage I left 20 years ago. I had no explanation at the time. Every one of your videos is a replay of what I went through for 4 years.
WOW. That pretty well describes how my eyes were opened, when i decided to divorce my ex. 😮
When i separated for a month to give our girls & I a break, that ultimately enraged him. He said so many awful things and threatened everything under the sun. But when I finally let him back in the house, he naively assumed I'd forgiven him. So when i refused to sleep with him, he threatened to leave because i was so COLD. 🤣🤦♀️
OHHHHHHHH MY GOSH! 😱 you just nailed it! 🤯😖😤😡 It is sickening 🤮…. Blows me away every time.🤡
Worst Christmas of my life: Age 14 and for the first time I had money to buy presents for my mom, dad, and brother. I got my N mom a little statuette of a confused looking guy and at the bottom the words "Insanity is inherited, you get it from your kids." I've always been a bit of a jokester and I thought it was funny.
Her reaction? "What is it? What do I do with it? Does it have a use at all?"
I was _devastated._ Burst into tears. Her reaction to that? A condescending "Aww, did I ruin your Christmas?" Then a fucking _hug_ as if to _comfort_ me. No apology, no (expressed) understanding of or thanks for the gift - nothing.
That was the first of the gifts she gave back to me. She rejected and/or gave back _every_ gift I gave her until I cut her from my life 42 years later. Took me that long to figure it all out.
My NM also rejected/gave back every gift I gave her. It’s them refusing to be pleased. They find power in it. Also being appreciative of the gift might mean something positive about you and me…and they can’t have that.
The last gift I gave her was a collar and Air Tag for her cat, because she obsesses about where her cat is constantly throughout the day. Everyone said it was a brilliant gift for her, and in the moment she conceded it was. The collar fell off outside one day…which is fine…it can be tracked, right? She just laughed and said “Oops! It’s gone! Guess it was poor quality!” Me: um…it’s meant to break away if a branch snags it…for the cat’s safety. Just pull up your ap and we can find it.” She refuses to do it. Nope. It’s just gone.
But she will let her cat out at sunset (that’s when she’s brought IN for the night) and I end up roaming the neighborhood in winter at midnight so her cat doesn’t become a snack for the owls.
I’m sorry about that Christmas experience. It wasn’t about you or the gift…it was about her. Still hurts though, no matter the reason. She will never change. Mine is 85, mean as dirt and still pulling this sh!t.
My mother always threw away the gifts I gave her, but she always lied about what happened to them. How awful. I'm sorry that your mother couldn't appreciate you.
@@kerrib2568 Yep, just like that. Eventually I understood how pathetic that kind of behavior is, though it's meant to establish power over us. Strong people aren't threatened by the goodness of others.
Mine is 90 and no doubt struggling to live longer than her mother, who made it to 100. Wouldn't surprise me if she's trying to outlive me, too. I turned 63 yesterday and she'd no doubt be thrilled with the "victory" of my dying first. Like I said, pathetic.
@@mday3821 Thanks, so am I. Doesn't matter to me any more, though, which is unbelievably peaceful for me. I hope you've reached a similar place.
I had her figured out about 15 years ago and I'd broken off from both my parents by then. (My dad's story is even more sad and infuriating.) My dad passed in 2013 and I'd gone to see them a few times before it happened because we knew it was coming. Afterwards, my mom actually showed some signs of genuine grieving - they'd been married for some 60 years - and I started bothering with her again. Then one day in August 2016 she did something she'd been doing all my life (in short, making up a stupid lie) as well as the grief being thoroughly insincere by that time and I thought, "OK, she's back now." That was the last moment I had anything to do with her.
@@MichaelPiz hey, happy birthday! 🎂 (a day belated). Well in my eyes, you’ve already won because you’ve broke contact. I’ve found myself back in the evil clutches (due to illness) …but I’m plotting my escape! lol
As a young child (9-10 years old), I distinctly remember describing my covert, malignant narcissistic mother to an adult neighbor as "my best friend and my worst enemy all in one". Ugh, if only bells went off in my neighbor's head hearing that description...
So true, I remember once my dad was super pissed off and screaming at me for gaining weight (which was quite normal since I had stopped training gymnastics 22 hours a week). Then when I went up to my room he followed me and told me "you used to be something special but now that you're not a gymnast anymore you're nothing and it's hard to look at you". I burst into tears (because any 16-year-old would) then he tried to hug me and comfort me but I pushed him away. He got angry and told me I needed to stop being selfish and understand everything from his perspective, and how my weight gain hurts him so much because I apparently could never get married looking the way I did (keep in mind I was still only 115lbs at 5' 2") and how was I supposed to "pop out grandkids" for him if I did not get married because I was apparently so ugly. It was so freaking confusing to say the least.
That's just awful, I'm so sorry ❤
This is heart breaking. I am so sorry that he said those horrific things. You didn’t deserve that at all. Total narcissist only caring about himself and his image and teaching you, his impressionable teen daughter, a terrible lesson that your only value is your appearance. And making everything about him. Extreme emotional abuse.
Spot on!! I am 57 years old and my emotional abuser left me right before Christmas 2023 and he is still trying to come back into my home with all the tactics you mentioned in your videos… Thank you for being you!
Yes. Same. I left November 2023. I'm 54. He cheated and was caught out. Now he says "they" blew it out of proportion. Now he's trying to lure me back and looses his temper everytime I say no, it's over. I am being the unreasonable one again!
Yes. I couldn't stand him touching me anymore and then I became the one withholding affection. I'm not a yoyo, idiot!
@@hestercastlemansa2976 Stay strong and hold your ground!!! ❤️ this is going to be a beautiful year with him out of your life more and more often throughout these months… Spring is just around the corner and with that comes new life! 💫
Mine likes to flip out too, and then this last time asked me if I want to go out on a date in the next breath. I said NO, now see if this sounds familiar -he says “ Sorry for being nice…” and again gets mad and resorts to more child like tactics in a full grown man, laying in on me about how mean, cold, and uncaring I am…
I’d rather be cold and shoot myself in the foot, then ever ever allow him to be close to me ever again…
Did I say what a beautiful year this is? Being that it is the beginning of a new year, this is my mantra. it is going to be an amazing freaking year!!! I am going to make it so, and so are you… 🥰
My narc husband did this to me recently when I said I wanted to leave. After a ten (yes, 10) hour fight with nothing but accusations, antagonism, baiting, and drawing our small son into it, he has the gall to come out later that evening and see me crying. He hugs me and says it doesn’t have to be like this, if only I would forgive and stay, he would forgive me too and things would be okay. 🥴
You just described a 12 year toxic relationship that I left in 2009. I finally understand. Thank you, Dr.Ramani ❤
I break this loop by smiling instead of reacting. Smiling is a killer weapon for narc. It makes them look foolish and they give up. Because you don’t give them the emotions they expect.
Ive had this nice act my whole life even after the most heinous demonic stuff you can imagine.
Thank you so so much for highlighting this! I find that combo far to common, even if the tantrum is silent rage, passive aggressive, or just avoidance and dismissive behaviors. Any bid for physical affection when disconnected is highly problematic, especially to those who were raised with this kinda hot and cold all the time with no repair at all or no room for their own feelings and desires and needs to matter.
Violated, yes! Thank you for using that word. I've had it happen from a side hug in public to save face after the harmful thing happened in the car, all the way up to what I now realize is sexual abuse or assault. But after decades of this kinda behavior since birth, it's really hard to discern in the moment and being conditioned that any refusal of any bid for connection is you being cold and unforgiving and unrighteous, it functions like coersive control of your an adult who still can't say no to sexual advances in these situations, even tho you feel sick and violated at the thought of even a hug.
They harm you in front of you and behind you're back and than they hug you pretending everything is okay, and even if they don't harm you behind you're back or in front of you they just want to Hug you to drain your energy and make it their own.
Spot on! They just expect us to follow their moods and time frames
This.
For years, I would question something...anything...and it would end at the point where I was literally standing in the corner crying and he would say "oh my sweet delicate flower" (knowing full well how much I hated when he called me this (always in this kind of situation)) then grabbing on and holding me where I couldn't leave and was cornered with nowhere to step away. Often times leading me and trying to take me to the bedroom and then again pissed when I had zero interest. Or he would grope me in unbearable ways leaving me upset and then he would again twist it, that because I was his wife, it was his body too.
Now.. when I talk to ANYONE, (minus my kids) I keep a 4 foot area around me. I don't even realize I'm doing it but I will almost move around the room keeping away. I've been called on it multiple times and have found myself wedged between a wall and a garbage can 🤦🏻♀️
This is so true! Happened to me and my mouth just dropped open. Telling me he had literally just destroyed our lives and our children’s in every way and I was crying, devastated he said “Can I give you a hug?” They are so clueless. I am so glad to know the truth now and that he is gone.
Thank you for these. These videos give me strength. After my Narc's latest rampage last week he's been sending me texts, videos and trying to use humor to reel me back in after his last blow up.
I'm expected to fall in line, act as if nothing happened and go along to get along. I'm exhausted . Couldn't even move this morning after supressing all my anger, emotion, as it's affecting my health. My Body and Mind crave rest from these harmful patterns of his constant rages over perceived slights where I am constantly defending myself for nothing. It takes its toll. These vids have been life saving.
@GypsySparkle
Keep searching. Knowledge is power. Especially in this realm of relationships and psychology. I have learned so much even at age 63. I never knew there was such evil out there until I married a covert, narcissist, borderline personality disorder, and bipolar disorder man. He was handsome, high functioning, successful, well read, and educated. I was completely duped, but slowly he revealed himself. It took 15 years of my life to figure out through therapy with, and without him what the problem was. I learned to own my part in allowing him to continue in the bad behavior for so long.
Learn from my cautionary tale. Move on dear one, as quickly as possible.
"Expected to" that's so true. It's a dance, isn't it? They do this, then you do that, then, and so on! Go get your rest, friend!
@@debimcneil ♥️
I remember when i was 17 and i had a huge fight with my dad for 3 hours(the reason was me being afraid of him coming back home🤦🏻♀️) and while i was panicking as hell he ended the fight by smiling and laughing and he said :" wow it's great when we argue sometimes so we bond as family 🤡", that day ended and i got traumatized truly and i failed my last year of highschool because he added salt to the wound when i thought we wouldn't argue again.
Yes, my mother does this. She'll snap at me, remind me of everything I did wrong in my life, tell me I'm lazy, spoiled brat, and will never be successful in a career and that any marriage of mine will fail then once I'm clearly down and upset, it's like she gets this burst of energy and starts humming, singing, and talking with a fake chirpy voice. And yes she'll hug me and as bad as it sounds I feel disgusted. And usually after she does this, she still expects me to watch a movie with her and it's tense and awkward and I'm trying not to cry cause she'll get mad and say, "Why are you crying? The fight is over. You're acting like a 2year old " I've also caught her grimacing when I talk or rolling her eyes at me when I said nothing that should cause her to that.
I've learned a lot from therapists and coaches, both in-person and TH-camrs. "Projection" - the narc accuses you of their own behavior or labels themself with a quality of yours that they are jealous of. When the narc says things like, "You're acting like a 2 year old," I feel as though they are calling the accusation against you first so that you don't have the chance to call them out for what they are doing.
@@rebeccamay6420 this is incredibly spot on and it's happening to me right now with someone i would never peg for a narc, but now i wonder....
Isn't that just the worst feeling...because it's your mom. My mother never offered a hug, but would buy be some gift. As if that makes up for everything. She is dead and I don't miss her. Maybe now at 51 yrs I can pick up the pieces of my life.
Wishing you the same.
@@rebeccamay6420 Yes, this!!! Projection, it makes so much sense. She's always accusing me of things that I don't do yet she does it. If I call her out she denies it and tells me I'm the one who does it.
@@mday3821 I'm so sorry you went through that. It is definitely the worst when it's your mom. And like you mentioned my mom never hugs me (unless in front of others and even then it was a formal hug) or told me "I love you" yet buys me gifts which are later weaponed against me. Can't wait to break free and be away from that. I wish you happiness and freedom.
When I (#3)left almost 3 years ago, his 2nd wife reached out to me and helped me heal. Based on our convos, we knew #4 would reach out someday. She just recently did. She gave me an example of this ☝️ happening to her right when her mother died. He was horrible to her! We (#2 ) are now trying our best to educate & help get her out. So much to untangle (another of your videos). TY Dr. R. Knowledge = awareness, the first step.
I am also a #3☹️
@@nicoletteralfe733 others will follow. No matter who #4 is, know they dont change for the next one. Once you start being you, saying "I want" "you cant" and "no", they feel the loss of control. I'm sorry kiddo. :( . I'm 3 years out. but I remember the pain.
#4 Wow!!! I'm learning. Although I wished I had known that after my first 20-year marriage to one. Met this guy 7 years after that marriage.
I guess it's never to late! To have my ME!!!
I love that his #2 reached out to you and helped you heal and now both of you are there for his recent one to help her. You don't see that very often. More often than not, women tend to view their lovers ex or next as enemy, thus preventing any real kind of connection but then again, narcissists are real good at playing people againsts each other. His World would end if all his exes ganged up on him.
That really explains it!
Every single day, several times a day! It's absolutely soul-crushing.
"Narcissists use conflict to regulate" around 5:16 is a great quote: "the yelling and the abuse allows them to assert their power." Good video.
This "Can we hug" happened to me today, the day you post this video...
Yesterday they were throwing shit at me, calling me names, making me feel like the worst person in the world and ignoring my "I am scared" cries for help.
Thank you Dr Ramani, this is exactly what I needed to hear! :(
I also think it's a way for them to energy vamp.
“That toddler is three, not 53.” Exactly the age of both the major narcissists in my previous life 😂
Sad, but spot on. My husband did this to me because it is what was done to him and his siblings growing up, so to them, it was normal. Nothing was ever dealt with and the cycle continues to this day, but not quite as bad as it used to be, but problems still haven't been dealt with. I have gone low/no contact simply to save my sanity. I never realized how much I pacified my husband after one of his "tantrums" until I stopped doing it. It was freeing. Thank you for sharing this video.
My narcissistic mom used to spank me with a belt for nothing. I was never a bad kid. Then, she would come back into my bedroom that she banished me to, insist that I “get over it” and then tickle me mercilessly until I was crying even more. Talk about boundary crossing.
Later, in her old age, as her mind was going at times, she would talk about how she HATED being tickled.
I have a sister in law who is such a moral wasteland, and has such low character, that I want nothing to do with her. My brother thinks it's a grudge I hold over some nasty behavior from her. He won't hear me out about all the things she's done that I know about, but HE doesn't know about. I told him, "No, it's much worse than a grudge, because it can never be fixed unless she gets a brain transplant."
I'm in this precise situation-- I have kept silent about all the weird, ugly things my sister inlaw has done because my brother so clearly dies not want to know or hear about it. I'm us3d to thinking of him as this sweet, kind, decent person, but he completely enables her and normalizes her behavior and doesn't protect their two, now young adult children.
As a childhoodhood friend of mine who has seen all of this happening in my family said, "It's like a cult." And the very people who have been damaged by the narc the most will defend the narc the most. It is heartbreaking.
@@gobigirl1 , What I believe sometimes is the case with brothers like ours, who won't discuss their wife's bad behavior, is that they know deep down, they're afraid of conflict. If the cat gets let out of the bag, then they'll be expected by us to take a stand with their wife, and they know they're not willing to do that. Their reluctance puts their wife in complete control. Poor guys, it's like they let themselves be caught in a spider's web because they're too "nice." My brother is seen by everyone as being gentle and kind. It has caused him countless problems with lots of spoiled people.
@@gobigirl1 , Yes, they're not seeing it, or if they are, it bothers them too much to address it. It's true that it's cult like. I've often thought that my brother was abducted by an alien being. I don't think he's very happy with her, but is unable to handle it. He admits to me that she's "strange" as he's called it, but that's as far as he'll discuss it. (She tells him he's not "allowed" to talk about her to anyone, because he's required to be loyal.) He was very harshly treated by our father, so maybe he's normalized such behavior. (belittling, ridicule, and manipulative mind games to undermine any confidence he has.)
'A moral wasteland'?! That's a great expression!
yup - and then the refusal of a hug (due to good therapy) leads to the rage ....
OMG….I am paying attention to this one! My Mom does this …. OMG it makes me so so uncomfortable and I feel so used and powerless. It feels super unkind to refuse a hug from my 91-year-old mother but OMG it’s awful.
Mine dismissed me when useful for him so the 'argument' was more subtle, making me feel, again and again, not good enough. Then he asks, What's your problem?
Going through this currently and it’s very painful.
It’s like you’re talking directly to me about the situation I was in. He ended up getting arrested for reasons I won’t mention. I knew the signs and I’m just blessed finally be free after feeling like all doors were closed. When you see your exit take it and NEVER LOOK BACK.
My mother trained my older siblings to do this. Everything is always my fault and when the issue is 'resolved' we need to hug it out, "because we're family and we love each other". Whenever I had a problem it was turned back on me as "fix it yourself". My therapist is genuinely shocked by the stories I tell her.
You are STELLAR as always! Will you please do a show on domestic violence and the narcissist?
I once had a psychiatrist that did this to me. I was starting to act more independently and my abusive family went flipping crazy.
It was so crazy that I started recording the conversations for proof and asked the psychiatrist for help.
He shouted at me to not leave the room, asked for my parents to come, physically prevented me from leaving the room, talked to my parents about how I was crazy as if I wasn't there in the room with them, crying.
Then, after I told him that he was a "bad psychiatrist" (that's all that my fawning allowed me to say), he told me that I had to choose between going to a daycare center or get forcibly hospitalized (I wasn't a threat to anyone, nor did I have any history of self-harm, suicidality or aggressiveness towards others).
After all of that, he wanted to shake my hand. I was baffled and terrified by what I was seeing.
This is exactly what happened to me. Was in a 1 year relationship with a covert narcissist. Every 2-3 weeks, out of nothing she would create arguments out of thin air, accusing me of thinking, saying and doing things I have never thought, said or done. She would talk herself into illogical rages that would last HOURS, during which she would beat me up emotionally, accusing me of planning to desert her and various other crazy stuff. After these attacks I was numb, paralyzed and apathetic sometimes for 3 or more days.
In the end she sabotaged her birthday holiday we had planned together by having one of these outbursts the night before the flight, beating me up emotionally because she said I didn't want to fly with her and I didn't care for her and wanted to desert her. She beat me up for more than 5 hours, oscillating between her reproaches on one hand, and on the other hand pressuring me to have sex so we could make peace. In the end I was too exhausted and injured to fly with her. She then flew alone and met her next narcissistic supply there and now is in full limerence with this person, claiming that I had broken her heart and the new person will be fixing it.
Just writing this down makes me understand how crazy this whole story is. I would appreciate a short comment by anyone reading this, just for the support. Thank you.
Ah yes. After having my legs whipped (I don't know why it was the legs. It was more of a hassle to cover up the bruises there than the behind but I guess for more pain?) My dad would come back in the room with ointment for the welts and demand I explain why I had made him beat me, and demand an apology. Incredible man.
My mom seemed to suspect that rough-housing with my brothers wasn't why I was covered in bruises, but it only amounted in not being able to play with them anymore.
They divorced and I stayed loyal to the abuser, go figure. It took a while but I wised up and left as soon as I turned 18.
Love your videos! You say what we all are thinking. My mother blocks my way (no exaggeration) for a hug. It's the most uncomfortable experience. Both my parents are narcissists. I moved a few months ago and when parents asked, I told them that they can come over when I invite them. They were furious because my boundaries mean nothing to them. They sent flying monkeys after flying monkeys and I still wouldn't give them my address. A couple of days ago, dad called my brother and asked him for my address. My brother is the only person left in my family who I still talk to. I was angry! I called my dad and of course he denied asking my brother and then he says "we, your parents are old now. Your mom can't even drive to your new place anyway because she'd get lost"
My mom, travels internationally every year. Funny she doesn't get lost in another country but can get lost in the same city she's lived in for over 20 years. The point is, they can't speak the truth and they HAVE to victimize themselves. So anyway, now my parents are mad at my brother for telling me about them asking for my address 😂
I just locked myself in my room after going through this exact scenario. The assurance at the end of the video that I’m not crazy really helped. Living with them is hell.
Growing up I sometimes felt really icky when my narcissistic parent hugged me. I could never figure out why and thought there was something wrong with me for feeling that way. I finally understand why.
My, what I can assume was a narcissistic boss hugged me after I had a conversation with them about some concerns at work, they were like let’s hug it out. Even though after other conversations I was patronized about my concerns. There were a lot of strange things, a lot of intense eye contact, flattery, then when I was promoted I was then ignored. But it would go back and forth. Hugs, flattery, unexpected physical contact, and then indifference when I was promoted again and had to leave. Even though they would constantly say “don’t leave me.”
Multiply that with the judgment of other family members if they see these kind of scene.. and they put it back on you for not being the cool and understanding one.. 😔
“Narcissistic people use conflict to regulate,” talk about the height of toxicity! 🤢
Yup. "" What's for dinner?" "Let's have popcorn!"