Narcissists ask YOU to make RIDICULOUS COMPROMISES
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Sexlessness. Sharing a bed with someone who doesn’t acknowledge you are a sexual being hurts so much. I was in a sexless marriage for years. Being a woman with a high libido, I felt inadequate. Worst I feel invisible. The man who was “supposed” to want me, just didn’t. We talked about it many times, more than I can recall now. It was always me. I wanted too much - once a week was too much for him. I didn’t initiate - he was always complaining of headaches, stomaches, always stressed, always tired. I was too sexual - when being subtle doesn’t work, what is next? Explicitly saying I wanted sex. Oh but then it was not appropriate. Conversations would end up with him saying he didn’t feel desired or I made him feel emasculated because he didn’t want sex as much as I did. Yeah, it was always me. I could never win. While we were dating we would have a decent amount of sex, it was good. The first huge red flag was not having sex in our honeymoon - which I ignored. It rapidly decrease to once a week, then every other week. Years gone by it was months in between, by the time we divorced it was over a year with no sex. I cried myself to sleep more times that I can count. I didn’t understand what was wrong with me. Was I that undesirable? Was I repulsive? After those conversations, I just stopped trying, initiating, mentioning sex. We were still loving - holding hands, hugging, kissing - but sex was off the table. He then cheated on me. Swore he had sex only 4 times in a year (or more) long affair. It didn’t matter. For years my self worth was damaged by him, years of low self esteem, years of feeling less of a woman, the marriage that was more than over, waiting in hospice, really ended. Funny how things are, I asked him for a divorce, he manipulated me into staying, next day his infidelity came to light. I was out as soon as I could. Best thing of my life. Additionally, That feeling when your partner cheated and you don't have the courage to leave him / her so you just death with the pain and live everyday asking questions about your worth. This pain is different from the cheating one_living and seeing him everywhere anticipating when he or she do it again. The best thing is to hire a private investigator digitalinvestigate@gmail.com to help you spy on their cellphone remotely just like he did for me...
Their idea of compromise is "you do everything I want, and just shut up and pretend you want it that way too."
Do not cross oceans for someone who would not walk through a puddle for you.
When narcissists get caught being unfaithful, they will blame you or others for causing them to cheat. They never take any accountability for their actions as they never feel like they’re in the wrong.
I think that a major tell is the apology when they have done something wrong. A narcissists apology will never be centered around you. For example “You must hate me for what I’ve done. I was so stupid.” Even in the apology it is all about them. And notice there is no words of remorse or regret either or regards for your feelings.
That's absolutely true! Mine said "I don't want to stay away from you because I'll cheat on you! 😢 (with that sad face, thinking I would be understanding and agree with not going out wih my friends anymore and stay by his side 24/7 😅)". And, one time, when I went out with a friend and spent the night wih him (he's gay, just to point out 😂) to record a video, my ex narcissist on the following day said "I ALMOST CHEATED ON YOU AND IT WAS YOUR FAULT!". Man, when I remember this, I feel good because then I let my emotions aside and I finaly stop to think rationally that he was a fucking douchebag, and I knew from beggining okay??? I just didny want to listen to my intuition 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
@@ingrid5944This! Accurate- on point! 💯 happy you're free of all that and the relationship and person! Demons! God delivered you!
You mean you actually get apologies? Shocking
That was my ex. His pants fell down and a new woman accidentally fell on his dick. He was completely blameless, he didn't initiate a thing..😂
I'm still stunned by how much I turned myself inside out for family, friends, and my ex. I'm grateful that I now know how to establish boundaries and stick with them.
Hollywood is a bunch of narcissists making movies for narcissist.
😆🤣
My ex would NEVER even think to consult with me before accepting a new position that required uprooting our lives or making financial decisions.
I was inconsequential 100% of the time in my so called marriage. In my opinion he didn’t want a wife, he wanted a mommy and a daddy to do all the “domestic” stuff for him, to SERVE him at his whim.
I’m so very thankful I had the courage to divorce the SOB after 20+ years!
This literally happened to me as well. Dated 7 years, came over one day randomly and said he was moving to TX for a job I didn't know he applied to. He didnt have anywhere to live, i found the apts, he was making 2x i was but i paid half of everything and hed complain i couldnt keep up and was spending frivolously, made me drive everywhere bc it was bad to TURN HIS CAR ON AND OFF, i BELIEVED THAT! He wouldnt clean and said he didnt know how to sweep or use a broom, but this guy was in school for linework with a CDL? You can move a big rig but you cant sweep?The next 3 years and 4 states, he was cheating in every state I followed him to. If it doesn't seem right, it ain't, yall.
So glad you are out!
If a narcissist offers you ten cents, watch out, they will tell you you owe them 10 million.
omg the interest rate. Yeah, how could we forget that?
to add, they will forget about the 10 cents you paid back with interest, then, demand 10 million, ask for another 10 million, expect and feel entitled to another 10 million, THEN, when that is all done ... ask for 10 million per year for life.
😅
And not cents. It will be 10 million dollars they ask for.
We are on to them!
When a narcissist asks you to make ridiculous compromises, they are being unusually polite. Usually, they demand you make those compromises - and they'll frame it tom make it look like you are making the one making demands
I swear Dr ramani is the only thing keeping me sane rn.
This video reminded me of the saying: "Don't cross oceans for people who wouldn't cross a puddle for you." I've heard different variations of this. "Don't try to jump over a lake for a person who will only jump over a puddle for you." "Don't jump over a lake for someone who won't jump over a puddle for you." "Stop jumping through hoops for people. There will never be enough of them and they will never be high enough." You get the idea.
@1255Kathy, As a person who is unlikely to ever ask for favors or assistance because I prefer to be self reliant, I've attracted quite a few who are pleased about my self reliance!!🙄😂It took me a while to see that if I ever needed emergency assistance it would only come from someone I paid to help me, not these so called "friends." (Who I'd helped regularly and gladly.)
@@notagain779 Well, people that grow up in narcissistic environments tend to become very self reliant; because you know even if you get help from a narcissist it will never be free, and in the end it is easier just not to ask for help than beign reminded of "that time they helped you" over and over again whenever they want something from you. Also, they will only "do a favor" if they can get something out of it. Like you can count on them to order takeout from their favorite place if you ask them to take care of dinner. Offering to take you to the doctor if you are sick, or picking you up in an emergency; not so much. The f-up part is that people usually end up blaming themselves for not beign able to express their needs, or having them considered.
After going through that, it is a whole process to learn to demand the attention and care you give and deserve. Be nice to other people and do things for them simply because you enjoy it; but don't put their needs ahead expecting they will do the same, because that "golden rule" theory never works. In practice they'll just assume than their needs are way more important than yours, or that you somehow don't need or want any help. The best advice I can give is only to go out of your way to help other people after they showed you they care for you, and are willing to offer you their help without expecting anything back. Even if they ask for help, because too many people have no problem asking for help, and then just deny it to you when you are the one that needs a favor.
Sure, there can be exceptional situations; but once is an expection and twice becomes a norm. Sometimes is better to just say no the first time, so they actually appreciate it and don't take you for granted when you decide to say yes. Specially with things like lending money or taking over other people's reponsabilities, like picking up their kids, that quickly become so recurrent they are not even appreciated as favors anymore.
Gratitude is a big part in judging someone's character, and something narcissitic or pampered folks rarely can't fake convincingly. In my country we have a saying when refusing someone's token of gratitude that goes "today for you, tomorrow for me". Meaning people that show you gratitude don't need to compensate you for your help, because by accepting your help they get the compromise to help you in turn. Now, it is understood that if someone doesn't offer you any token of gratitude after you do them a favor; you are not obliged to help them again unless they agree to compensate you somehow beforehand.
@@Ab3ndcgi, I appreciate your thoughts on this. Very well said! You're so right that the "golden rule" theory doesn't work with narcissists. Their time is always WAY more important than yours!
Crazy narcissist lady at the church where I volunteer: "Nyah nyah nyah nyah blah blah blah blah you can't even show up on time snark snark snark!"
Me: "There's the lake, there's the lake, go jump in it.
And if you do not go jump in the lake on a hot day in August, more fool you than I.
See ya!" (drives to the lake. Gets in with my annual lake pass. Changes into swimsuit I keep in my truck for such occasions. Jumps in and cools off on a 110-degreeF day in August)
Come on over to MY place y'all. I got bbq at the lake. (BYOB I don't supply the beer only the sodas) We can have a TIME.
True. Irony is that what's narcissist think about others = the narc is in his own eyes the one who does everything - for getting nothing/bare minimum.😅 And that's how they portray you to others - like they do everything for you and you do not. With the right opposite being the truth.
The narcissistic family members tried to manipulate us by refusing to have Christmas dinner with us unless another family member didn’t include their 2 young school exchange students as they aren’t ‘immediate’ family, and they ‘take away attention from their kids’, which is total BS. We are friendly and inclusive with all. We were shocked at their unreasonable demands, as we have always been accommodating of them . We said all were welcome but that we wouldn’t be excluding these poor young exchange students away from their families at Christmas. So the narcissistic family members didn’t come. It was sad but I am proud of us for not giving in to their manipulations. Super messed up. Thank you Dr Ramani ❤
@costelloandlizzievolk2233, How sad to give up an opportunity to meet new people perhaps from different cultures, and welcome them at Christmas! That's shocking. One of my favorite Christmas memories from childhood is when my parents hosted some students at the local university who were from India.
yeah, they want to hurt you by getting at others you care about. I just had something similar happen and it was shocking. Also was weird
@@DaniellesMicoMarleyyes so true! I have family members that attack my son every chance they get. I don't go to family functions anymore because of them. My last straw was when the two ADULTS told them how much they hated him on his birthday. He's a good kid that adores his aunt and uncle. He had no clue how they felt about him. And it's not even about him. It's about me. My sister has always controlled my life (she's older) and I just thought it was because she cared about me. Well when I became an adult and started finding my own way she couldn't control me anymore. So her and her husband (he's been around since I was a teenager) now target my son. I always hoped it would stop because of the "we're family " bs. NOPE not anymore!
@@michelegray5970 While painful, you now have the priceless opportunity to help inoculate your son against future narcissistic abuse by explaining how his aunt and uncle's actions have nothing to do with him. Some people in life will pretend to care about him, but it's really just a lie. All they want is power and to boost their own ego. The way he can tell the difference is that healthy people who actually care about him are able to recognize when they act badly and hurt him, then admit to him what they did wrong, and why, apologize, and change their behavior in the future. ...while highly narcissistic people are incapable of taking responsibility when they act badly and hurt others.
Good for you. And NEVER apologize to them for it, either. "And I'd do it again. Every time. So now you know, ok? That would be my response, said with a big fat smile.
"Women marry men hoping that the man will change. Men marry women hoping the woman will not change. Inevitably, they both end up disappointed ".
~Albert Einstein ~
This happens in most marriages.
Einstein actually was a horrible husband and had a well known, long term affair, so he would know.
@@elbradavid533Not just a horrible philandering husband but also a horrible father. A complete POS in his private life, in fact.
No, I didn't hoping the man to change, I hope I could see him for who he is, not who he pretends to be.
And man, when you knew what you deal with, would you stay or be the same ?
Snake change skin, only to get bigger not change behaviour.
We should Run like hell in the first time. Not hoping change.
Not our job to change people.
I wish I knew this years ago :
th-cam.com/users/shortsLav1Vd4nV-c?si=gRu2kaNyajMBqqIZ
That's a pretty stupid remark. I hope it's not from him. It's even more stupid to quote it in the context of narcissism. What's your goal, being super codependent?
@@connectingthedots100 go fuck yourself, I though it was interesting and a fact.
So true! My narc husband applied for another job in another town far away without even asking me if I would want to go. That was when it ended - I said to him 'You go on your own - bye-bye!'
My soon-to-be ex husband told me he would try harder and change if I forgave him for cheating (the first time), but tried to strong-arm me into letting him keep his little side-piece until I figured out what I wanted to do. Tried to convince me it was “unfair” to not let him have a “plan B”. Truly unbelievable.
@buirvin1236, Imagine what it must feel like to be someone's "plan B" ! He sounds like a real peach!!😂Of course, women who play around with married men shouldn't be surprised if they are only kept as a side-piece.
I'm glad he's "soon to be ex"
Yes please be rid of him forever. No contact. Don't let him hoover you.
@@sharicoburn5475 no contact isn’t an option. We have a toddler and another kid on the way. But I know what how he is now and what his patterns are. If there’s one thing I am, it’s stubborn as a mule. And I have a long memory. I will not be hoovered. There’s too much hurt there. Plus, I’m really enjoying being separated from him.
@@buirvin1236plus if you got one on the way, the healthiest thing you can do for that unborn baby (please listen to me cuz my son dealt with the fighting in utero and he has alot of behavioral issues from the stress/malnutrition from keeping him around during and after pregnancy and yes he was just as much a narcissist as the rest.) Is leave. Avoid him for the rest of the pregnancy. Narcissists.They're all alike. But I wished I had gotten out early on in the pregnancy.
I’ve fallen victim to these things many times with him. It feels like I am playing checkers in a world where he is playing chess and winning like a champion.
OmG true! They are masters at everything bc they are manipulating controlling deceitful demons! Only God can set us free and He has by His mercy and grace just hope even much more awareness rises up on narcissistic abuse and it gets taught even since young in school- something so people won't fall victims! In the name of Jesus! My heart aches for women especially but men too going through narcissist abuse! 🙏
They view every aspect of life and every relationship as a competition.
And still expect you be physically intimate with them!!!...why oh why would I want a sociopathic narcissistic sadist to touch me?!... the narcissist I married is gross and disgusting to me....he ask me you don't think I'm attractive, I'm like nooo to myself...I think I have an adverse reaction to demons...
I never once watched an episode of SITC, and you confirmed it was a good decision.
I was estranged from my sister and the rest of my family. I spent this Christmas washing dishes at a hotel restaurant and you know what? It was better than being around my family I actually proffered it.
It’s been almost two year since my two year relationship with an American narcissist (I’m from Romania) . Things are getting better.
TLDR: I would rather always wash dishes at a restaurant than be around my family
I am sorry for your experience with a rotten American. Some of us can be much nicer than THAT one.
And next Christmas, enjoy the winter festivals and Christmas markets and enjoy a hot cider for just yourself. Cheers from an American from that accused horrible city of Los Angeles California!
After I poured my heart out and expressed my frustration about taking care of 75% of the bills and 100% of the housekeeping and all he can say is I'm sorry that you have to pay for everything instead of coming up with solutions he has a problem for every solution
I hear you. My ex was great at telling me why every solution I came up with would not work.
That's a good way to put it, "a problem for every solution." My ex did the same. What a waste of precious time and energy I spent sorting out the never ending messes he created.
I often wondered why I was always tasked with dealing with the most difficult lawyers in the firm. I now know it is because I am adept at dealing with difficult personalities due to my vast experience with all of my narcissistic family members. I felt special but it got tiring. Difficult people (narcissists) are just that - difficult people.
I made so so many ridiculous compromises over a 6 year relationship, it's astonishing that I could do such a thing for anyone. It's only after she discarded me so brutally a couple months ago that the pain opened my eyes and I discovered what was happening. I was trapped by a narcissist! I'm healing slowly and ruminating as I educate myself. My heart goes out to all those facing such a situation. God will help us heal and be whole again ❤
Watch out for that hoover.... narcs hate to see anyone they discard in great emotional shape.
This resonates with me to the core. It also makes me nauseous listening and thinking about this. All I do now is pick my battles until I am able to finally leave forever.
Amen, God give you more strength and wisdom and get you out and free in due and perfect time! In Jesu's name!
My former asked me to leave the marriage and move with our son from our life in the American South to the Midwest, where a woman he was pursuing at work lived. He said that way, he could do what he wanted to do (he was vague) and still have access to our two-year-old son, when it was convenient for him, Im sure. Absolutely no reguard for my feelings as a young woman, my son's development, or how something like that that would change our lives, separating us from family and me from opportunity -- all so he could have a girlfriend? Even in my trauma bond, I refused to consider it. He never moved, and the marriage persisted for a few more years as I remained completely confused about what was or was not going on with colleague a few states off. That's one is for the "ick list," guys.
Geeze, he was a real jerk!
My narcissistic ex wanted to take a job in another country. He thought I should go along with it because I always decided what we had for dinner.
LOL
it’s just so so resonates with me. thank you😂
My nex thought if I suggested something for dinner it was telling him what to eat.
Everyone kept telling me "your mom will visit you more often now that you have a baby" but all I could think of was I wonder what she's going to have to compromise with her narc husband in order to come :(
I've learned that when he 'gives in' to something that would benefit me and only me (he does that which benefits him firstly and if it benefits me, it's not his intention), there's ALWAYS an ulterior motive and 'bait and switch' has been at many times the ruse.
I took a psychology class in college many years ago. The instructor used movies to discuss abnormal psychology. It was very enlightening and was one of the few classes I remember the entire class being involved in the discussion.
That’s when I learn that my mother suffered from NPD alongside being a drunk, High school psychology class. My childhood was really messed up. Mommy Dearest was a Saint compared to her.
I look back on my first marriage and see so many demanded compromises that we ridiculous. I needed an elective surgery that was less than $20,000USD and my ex demanded a compromise: I could only get it if she got a luxury vehicle because "it's only fair; you get a major purchase and I get one too!" I agreed because the alternative was detrimental to my health and after that my ex demanded that because the experience of my surgery was so traumatizing to her and my recovery impacted her life in ways that "I never agreed to" she demanded that she was owed even more.
When we divorced a few years later my ex tried to demand that repayment of what my surgery had cost was due as part of it but that the vehicle purchase and its current value be excluded from the property division calculations.
Unbelievable! 😮
What a horrible woman
That's ridiculous expectations
As a front line customer service worker in sales I want to say because of you my boundaries are solid this holiday and my responses are clear. Helps avoid most unreasonable expectations or requests initiated by controlling overly sensitive adult children ❤
😭😭😭
My ex husband bought an apartment in his native country without telling me. When I expressed to him how selfish that was, that in a marriage we make decisions together, especially major decisions like buying a 450 .000 Euro apartment, he told me it was his money and he could spend it how he wanted. After years of not being listened to, disrespected, derided. gaslighted , that was the straw that broke the camel's back and ended the marriage.
Good for you. It wasn't much of a marriage anyway, was it?
I actually have a good example for this move with my narcissistic parents. 😅
As a child I wasn't included in vacations for a decade. When I turned 14 and got gifted some money from extended family (because it's a tradition in my country, to celebrate young adults at that time) at that moment my parents took the money with the promise, or excuse, they could only take me with them on vacation two years later, if they get that money. So the exchange or bad compromise was, if I don't get my gift I can go on vacation with my parents.
... Let that sink in for a minute... 😅
Had a similar experience with my father going to Latin America every year and when I was 15 he offered to take me with him if I paid half the ticket price which at age 15 would take me 3 months of full time work so I'd get the privilege of going on a vacation with my narcissistic father for 2 weeks, he was wealthy just never wanted to spend anything on his child
My narcissistic grand-daughter is getting out of jail along with her toxic boyfriend in Jan. This is their 2nd time in jail for drugs and idenity theft. I have custody of their 2 daughters ages 14 & 9. We do fine without them, but with them out our lives are very chaotic. The girls have seen too much and are really angry at both parents. I feel torn, 😪 on one hand I would love to see changes but I know in reality they will chose their 1st love drugs & addiction. I have tried over and over for 16 years and over $100,000. I am through, over it. I feel I have served a prison sentence with them, I now need and want boundaries for my great- grand-daughters and myself. I do not want to feel guilty I just want to give these amazing, well behaved, honor roll great grand-daughters a chance, and get them to college.
They're lucky to have you. ❤
I am so sorry for this.
I have custody of my kids and their father (my narc) only has supervised visits. It is hard because I know I am doing the right thing (because he really does pose a threat to the kids), but I know that having an absent parent is so difficult for the kids. At the end of the day, I feel I have to choose the path that protects them most and has less potential for harm. (Though I know that having a father not in the life has very detrimental effects on kids, and I live with that knowledge every day and worry how it will impact the kid later on.)
Thank you for raising your grands- you are a good person.
@deeh5126 You know one thing I hate is no one in my family saw it as a need to step up, but me, the girls parents were going to jail for 3 years, they needed me. I am no martyr, I want no back pats...I want help. They have grandparents & aunts, cousins. I feel sometimes families feel you take it on, its your fault. You do it. They do not see the 2 amazing ladies in the 14 & 9 year old. Kids need families, not just Moms. I really feel sorry for those who are vacant in their lives, they are missing the best, happiest times anyone could ever have. Children still need the family village.
@personneici2595 I feel lucky to have them, they make me do things, get up and go, so much fun I roll in the floor lol, until I pee my pants. I am blessed
MOVE FAR IF U CAN, close to a Good, low-cost College, and don't say where but only to a select 2❤
Im a 42 year old (scapegoat/invisible/ truth teller) father of 3 who this last year is finally coming to terms with and facing my narcissistic parent/step parent. It has been a ROUGH road lol BUT the good doctor has been an incredible source of knowledge, and her content has been beyond helpful as I attempt to navigate a new approach to these tough relationships. Thx doc!
I was in a brief relationship with a seriously malignant, dangerous narcissist. Some examples of things he demanded that I do:
Once, when he felt I'd done something he didn't approve of (I forget what it was), he told me that my punishment was that he wouldn't speak to me for three weeks. And for every day of those three weeks, I was to journal my thoughts about him. At the end of the three weeks, he'd read it, and if he was satisfied, he'd talk to me again.
Another time, he wanted to spend some time with me, and demanded that I completely ignore any phone calls, texts, emails, IM's, etc, from anyone else during this time. I agreed. About halfway through our evening, I got an IM from an unfamiliar name. I forget what it said, but I simply replied with something like, "Who is this?" Of course, it was him, on a fake account, trying to entrap me. He had an absolute meltdown that I'd DARED respond to an IM just to ask who it was.
😱 What a sense of entitlement he had.
Wow pure manipulative controlling evil man
Can't believe you tolerated anything after that first wacky, control-freak circumstance
@@jellybean6778Such is the nature of abusers. They don't show these evil colors until you're already broken down and you lack the strength and skills to tell them to go F themselves. That wasn't the first unpleasant thing he ever did, it was just an example of one of the weirdest, most narcissistic things he did.
@jellybean6778 maybe watch more of dr ramani videos on narc abuse cycle and you'll see how and why good people tolerate it and how difficult it is.
Sex in the City characters are narcissists. Explains why my friend loved the show so much.
Now that you can see the patterns, they show up everywhere. I was watching the break up of Ross and Rachel episode of Friends, and I felt sick how Ross continues to gaslight Rachel, doesn't take accountability, tries to shift blame of his cheating onto Rachel, etc., etc.
@@trying2survive602 I just got done reading Interview with a Vampire by Anne Rice.
The relationship with Lestat and Louis is textbook narcissistic abuse.
I mean…That was my entire 20-year marriage to my ex husband. Except it was no concessions, only bait and switch. Even the divorce itself was a bait and switch. I only wanted a separation. It was when we were actually in the mediator’s office that he announced, “Let’s just go straight for divorce.” Gotta laugh!
It must have been shocking for that to happen, but the divorce will get you where you need to be so you can heal.
You're better off with the divorce
There's a TH-camr with Schizophrenia who had been hospitalized recently, and mentioned she stopped taking care of herself unless she had to be on camera; the was the only way her husband could get her to shower.
These people do whatever they want, when they want, on their terms; and usually it's all for show.
My nex was very lax about hygiene. He lost all of his teeth. Never brushed them. His bathroom habits were nauseating, and he'd wear soiled undies for days. He was also incredibly messy. He never cleaned anything, and his truck was full of trash.
I can't thank you enough for this video!
Finally free of my toxic ex, but now realizing and seeing myself clear of the cumulative toxic narcissistic friendships I have been surrounding myself with as well. I am looking forward to your book and healing.
Thank you so much.
I used to work for a man that would do this. He had this idea of building a commune and wanted me with several other people to live there for free and we would all just "pitch in" to "earn our keep". Complete conman that was always trying to control everyone around him. Obsess with morals too. All he would talk about was morals. You could tell what he was struggling with inside.
Stone-walling, new term for me today.
I completely relate with "Narcissists find each other" as I did & when I let go of the narcissistic traits, the people left my life too.
Thanks Dr. Ramani❤
'The Nicey Nicey' phase always has a trade-off. Never to be trusted.
Dr. Ramani's intro song always immediately brightens my mood. I appreciate her dedication to sharing her wisdom and empowerment with us. ❤
Aiden was plotting his revenge the entire time they were "reconnecting", I think.
Gosh, I was so annoyed at the sex in the city reference but I pushed past it and I’m glad I did.
Excellent illustration and suddenly all kinds of examples come to mind for me in my own experience with a narcissist.
Wow! How enlightening!
What’s interesting is that they only give in when it’s keeping them from getting their desire but then act as if they’re the most accommodating person in the world and have been so the whole time.
They give crumbs when they up to something
Nailed this absolutely maddening aspect of dealing with a narcissist. I'm living with it. Thanks for saving me the time of having to watch the show, LOL, as I find them all cueing, i.e. narcissistic.
My ex went to Christmas once out of 13 years. It was the year my mom died. Apparently that was enough for him to do whatever he wanted after that. He would also give me grand birthdays and then shortly after the devalue would come. I was crying on my knees begging for him to be kind to me while he raged, and he said “I already gave you a great birthday. So what, I’m supposed to treat you like a queen everyday?!” I’m just now realizing exactly how many holidays were ruined immediately after they were done with and the type of hold he had on me making me think he meant all the kind things he did.
I love how Dr Ramani just casually said "it's a major dick move" 😂😂😂😂 with all the anger as if it was her in Carrier's shoes.
Watching you more and more is becoming better than any tv series or any movie. Thanks Dr Ramani ❤
I had just taken out a large home equity loan to build a garage for my boyfriend to work on his vehicles like he asked.
A month later he announced he is moving across country to be near his daughter. He said we could both move. I agreed to sell my farm and go.
So i paid off his credit card 7k for him, gave him 2k to move, and he moved and began new job there. A month later his bizarre behavior caused us to break up.
6 months later he called to apologize, and then he said i should have been more patient, but he's so thankful that i paid for all his stuff. As if i did it out of charity and not because he promised we'd move together.
Future faking, gaslighting, self centered, lying, manipulation.
Im very happy to be rid of him. Expensive lesson learned.
Oh wow.
when carrie had a surgery, she was complaining to her friends "but you said you will be here for me" to me, that was very narcissistic. her friends have a life, too! i didn't like that.
Not sure I’d say that when people lie or promise something they can’t deliver that’s not a friend.
Dr Ramani, on and on going to bed with tears and playing your latest, my tears get trapped in the filter of your explanations. Your deconstruction of this personality is saving me! Thank you for doing this.
Hi Dr. Ramani, could you please do a video on the difference between reciprocity in a relationship and transactional behavior in a relationship because when you talked about how narcissistic people will stonewall until they can leverage what you wanted for something that they now want, I started to think of how the narcissistic person could mislabel or misidentify the transactional behavior as reciprocity........It's confusing to me because I believe reciprocity is necessary and vital to a healthy relationship but when I say this to people, they say relationships aren't transactional...it's like they don't see a difference between transactional behaviors and reciprocal behaviors........
Difference : Strings Attached! Fullstop!
Absolutely! I was commuting from Irvine, CA to Glendale CA for my job. 1.5 hours leaving at 5:00am and 3 hours to get home. My sister found she had a heart problem and her husband is much older, in his late 80s.needs help. So she told him if anything happened to her I would move in and take care of him..without asking me. I told her I couldn't do it. It was hard enough doing the commute at 64 and my job was demanding. Her reply was. It won't be a problem for you, you'll be fine. She never considers anyone else. Wants what she wants. I don't see her often. The stories I could tell. She has caused alot of grief in our family
The ending of that season made me so angry and I really thought I was just being dramatic…but now I see why it pissed me off so much.
Bait & switch kept our family moving all during my childhood. My parents could never settle down.
anxiety ran through my body like electricity when she started describing that bait and switch gaslighting
I clicked on this video because I thought it was talking about something else. But I wanted to share that something else: the type of “compromises” I was offered was always about money. I was on SSDI but he had all access to my money. He spent it all on himself and I remember a few times after he promised me that I could get something for myself, he said “we can either pay our water bill or you can get your thing you wanted.” Which wasn’t much of a choice. I never did get anything I wanted, because after his wants and our bills we barely had enough money to get basic necessities.
This story reminded me of my husband sooo much ... I wanted to get some things out of my old house that I now rent to a cousin. My husband refused to enter the house stating that he wouldn't go in a house if someone he didn't know .. in truth he just wanted to make things difficult for me... I couldn't carry the heavy things down the stairs by myself and he knew it .. therefore he didn't have to help me. . Fun y thing is he had no problem coming into my house in our first date and having sex. . he didn't really know me but had no problem with that because it was something HE wanted ... Also he likes to metal detect and we went to an elderly woman's house and she wanted him to come inside and show her the things he had found metal detecting... He had no problem with that, even though he had never met her prior to metal detecting her property. This is when I brought up the fact that he wouldn't go into my old house with my cousins living there, but had no problem going into the old woman's house .. he literally came unglued because I called him out about it.... And the stonewalling and silent treatment lasted for the usual 3 days. . it's always about doing what he wants and never doing what I want unless he can find a way to turn it around in his favor
Your video's are so validating and resonate so much with me. I believe my ex partner was vulnerable narcissist, perhaps mild to moderate. My ex partner would drop bombs all the time and usually at a time when it was not appropriate to be discussing them, I never knew they were coming and they would catch me off guard and she framed them in a way to make herself appear vulnerable. Fortunately we didn't live together so I had more control over setting my boundaries and being able to disagree with the unrealistic and unacceptable demands. I didn't acquiesce to these unreasonable demands, and I stood my ground. That was a large part of our conflict. She was in therapy and her therapist missed her narcissism and encouraged her to express her needs. But these needs were not fair, and they were not reasonable. When I ended the relationship she moved on very quickly and I'm pretty sure her new partner is acquiescing to all her unreasonable demands.
This is perfect timing for me to come across this video. There was something that I just couldn't put my finger on with the narc, and now it's all making sense. Thanks...
Literally the best breakdown of a TV show! Love this!
Sending you warm wishes for 2024, Doc. Love from Scotland x
Great example of Stonewalling and Manipulation! It made me remember some situations with my Ex and now I'm so glad I could get away. Looking forward to your coming book because although it's over a year now, I sometimes still grief about the "shared dreams we lost".
I struggled to stick around past the sex and the city reference but I'm glad I did. Definitely brought up some memories from one of my narcissistic relationships.
I was asked by my narc ex-husband to make a ridiculous compromise...and that was the straw that broke the camel's back.
Fascinating! I think that the prevalence of psychological jargon in TikTok, TH-cam, and media all lend itself to this bait and switch because narcs have more access to sculpting these “blocks” that they can’t get past until they miraculously can get past when a shiny enough opportunity presents itself
Everything is leverage.
Yes my son wanted us to have Thanksgiving dinner at 9 in the morning so he could go to his girlfriend's family's house for the holiday. That was a big NO
Intermittent reinforcement is soo powerful in relationships and kept me stuck for 30+ years and my kids also get excited when their dad does something sooo minor UGHH!!
The compromises can be pathetically simple but all serve the same purpose of proving that you are under control. My father in law didn't want to drive me back to my car one time (10 minutes away) so his "compromise" was that I ride back to their house (an hour) so my wife could drive me back in her car (another hour). In his mind, 2 hours of our lives was exactly equivalent to 10 minutes of him being inconvenienced. Needless to say that didn't pass the sniff test at the time and I ended up being the bad guy for asking to just go back to my car.
You are so comprehensive in your on-going educational series on narcissism. So many nuanced specifics of behaviors that all together are fucking maddening. And unless it’s happened to you or you’re a professional, people just don’t get it. Thanks for this video! ❤
I just went through this situation! I'm feeling a lot better about how i handled the situation and blocking them.
I watched the first and second season of AJLT too and I gotta tell that I was flabbergasted when I began to suspect where the story was going. Although I agree with you that what he did was an awful thing and that he was manipulative from the get go (in the spinoff because I want to believe that Aiden's heart was pure before he met narcissistic Carrie) I don't want to believe he's narcissistic. 😢 My guess is that he cough up some narc habits and desided to avenge his heart for all the pain and humiliation Carrie put him through. I believe he carefully planned his revenge and the ''5 year break'' was a tactic to ensure Carrie's demise. You know what they say, revenge is a dish that's best served cold. And damn he knows how to be cold. I don't agree with revenge but it was nice to see Carrie get some of her own cake. Artificial karma I guess 😂🎉
I was supposed to be happy and thrilled when my husband finally came back to church and actually sat with me (on Easter Sunday). There was no real change. On the other hand, I have gone low/no contact with his toxic family, who I tolerated poor treatment from for years. My family has always loved my husband treated him kindly, but he avoids my family functions for some reason or another (I think because I finally spoke truth about a few things). He finds excuse after excuse to avoid people (even confronting his own family issues) by either staying at home or barely speaking to anyone and then I get questioned as to why he isn't there or doesn't come. I try to tell the truth as much as possible, but it is exhausting at times!
This is a great analysis of that relationship and episode
When my mom was alive, she would occasionally call or send an email, making me feel guilty for not bringing my little boys to visit.
So we would visit, again.
An hour drive, changing of the schedules, enter Nana’s house.
She would proceeded to hand me a list of chores, watch TV, and ignore the boys while we were there. Including getting on my knees and scraping the cat box.
I don’t miss her.
So interesting. When watching the final season, I felt something was not right. Happy to see you agree! Love from Spain
Thank you for this and loved it! It was oh wow really! My last N ex refused several things important to me and then his next wife after I left got them all! My adult son and are working on boundaries set by me and I expect the final showdown soon! I am prepared for it because these all or nothing relationships are really actually nothing as sad as it is when it’s your children! 😢
I would add weaponized helplessness to get your attention and to feed their need to feel cared for.
yep. They will only compromise an inch... for your soul. They think their compromise is that important. They are ALWAYS making plans behind your back
And they will make themselves the martyr for giving an inch or a dime.
My ones were way too clever than to just outright blame me for their actions...... They used wording to implicate it instead. It was all within the implications.... I think more needs to be discussed on this! It's not even blame shifting it's 'implication accusation'
Good information for me - and THANK YOU for confirming I don’t need to bother watching that sequel show.
OMG I was right there with you on this interpretation of And Just Like That. I have never liked Aiden . I did not like them bringing him back and for all the things she did for him and he came up with that crap. 5 years. Geesh! I still don't understand 5 years since his youngest was 15. He didn't really want her like that. But yes it was a lot of gaslighting going on for sure.
Dear lord, even listening to the recap wears me out. I can't figure out how anybody likes that show. It's about as vapid as can be.
Another astute and incredibly helpful analysis. Thank u and happy new year to all when it comes! 🎉❤
Im getting your book !! Your wk is amazing Dr. R thanks for all that you do!❤❤
My narcissist sister is always stealing and she is a multi millionaire who owns are car dealership in Texas called Texas Vehicle Exchange. When our mom was passing from cancer a few years ago she stole $1400.00 out of my moms purse. I had not talked to her in years and she asked me out to dinner with her friend. I told her I didn’t have the money because I was looking for an excuse not to go. She said she would pay for the dinner and it would be fun. My aunt told me to go because I needed to speak with her since my mom was terminal. My sister and her friend started insulting me saying I didn’t look the same and then they didn’t think I had a good job etc. Her friend told me that the $24.00 per hour for my moms care was too much and I needed to find someone cheaper so my sister and I would get more money after she passed. I was so disgusted that I told my aunt I was done and I refused to talk to my sister and her friend. Later I found out she paid for the dinner using the cash she stole from my moms purse. Also after my mom passed she tried stealing her car which was a new Lincoln. She stole the title out of her house then tried driving up from Dallas to steal the car. I knew what she was doing after I noticed the title was gone so I hid the car before she could take it. Her plan was to steal the car then use the notary at the dealership to forge the documents. She told the family that she gave my mom the car and the vehicle belonged to her which was another lie because I found my moms check book which showed my mom paid for the car plus traded her old vehicle which was just fine. I hate my sister and her husband. They have so much money but steal from anyone and everyone. Her name is Shanna Thomson and her husband is Kevin Thomson. Does anyone else on here know them? They are crazy!!!
I'm going thru a divorce and my ex did not communicate and dragged the divorce out for over 2 years and counting. Now that we are close to trial he wants to stay in the house for 7 years while I pay 1/2 mortgage. Ridiculous.
The bomb-dropping was a common occurrence in a former relationship. No discussion. Just a decision affecting both of us in a big way. It always benefitted the partner, but never me, which is why it had to be a bomb drop.
I had a friend who whom I presume is a covert narc dated another malignant narc and she got jealous my relationship with him previously. She had me emotionally harassed and abused verbally by him with him constantly saying this is all your fault apologize to her (for HER harassment, stalking me, copying me, insulting me) and I said no. This caused her to get him to block me because I wouldn’t apologize even though I agreed to ignore her existence. She couldn’t ignore me. She was so unbearably immature. Fast forward 9 months, this girl turns out to be a 32 year old 250 lbs catfish. I exposed my friend for the abuse he was inflicting with proof, and no matter what, a majority of people believed his words over my proof. He said I was the abusive manipulative person who was a danger to myself and others (LOL, looking back, he sounded fucking insane). So I blocked all the flying monkeys but that didn’t stop them, the reputation attacking was at all angles. My artistic skills, my work, my friends even got attacked and my boyfriend at the time was also attacked. This was too much for him at the time and he left me. What an asshole. Realistically, I’m pretty sure he was also mildly narcissistic because at the end the gaslighting with him too was horrendous and constant. Now I’m free, and thanks to channels like Dr. Ramani I’ve realized I was even drawn to these men because of my narcissistic triangulating father. I look for these patterns of abuse because it feels normal to me. Well not anymore. Adios to that chapter of my life and thank God for that!! Stay strong everyone have faith in yourself. These people are pathetic. I believe in you. ❤
It's a lonely fight
I understand this whole situation. The 2 Narcissistic people I’m dealing with. I Pray every day that they would just leave me alone, but they are so pathetic. I’m Gaslite every day on social media, but I’ve been hanging in there. Yes! Gaslighting at the highest level!😢
Give a hand, they will attempt to take the whole arm... narcissists... What you have to give will never be good enough.
Happy birthday and thank you for awesome advice ❤😅
Can't wait for the new book ❤
My dad is only nice to me when he wants something from me. As soon as he needs something his mood switches to nice happy friendly. He's a real PIECE of work. I'd like to send him on a one way cruise to the bering strait...
My narcissistic cousin went flying monkey on me with the rest of my family because I asked her to wait and call me after 11 am. I told her I wasn’t sleeping well because of arthritis as well as my mother would call me in the middle of the night at times because she was bi-polar. I was exhausted.
She claimed I was selfish.
This happened after I let her call me at 6 am every morning (she was a broker) so she could “start her day knowing a good note”.
I should have stopped it after the first call.
A narcissist pleaded with me to not leave her after 5 years of marriage. She said, "I will do literally anything to make you stay, to make amends. You can even spank me, one time for every single bad thing I did to you. I know you lost count to such things, so let's be generous, let's make it 7".
That day I learned that I can feel 'Ugh' and 'Meh' together 🤦♂
It seems like everytime Carrie sells that apartment she gets dumped.
Happy holidays Doctor Ramani 😊
I love your hairstyle, Dr Ramani
Mine said "I don't want to stay away from you because I'll cheat on you! 😢 (with that sad face, thinking I would be understanding and agree with not going out wih my friends anymore and stay by his side 24/7 😅)". And, one time, when I went out with a friend and spent the night wih him (he's gay, just to point out 😂) to record a video, my ex narcissist on the following day said "I ALMOST CHEATED ON YOU AND IT WAS YOUR FAULT!". Man, when I remember this, I feel good because then I let my emotions aside and I finaly stop to think rationally that he was a fucking douchebag, and I knew from beggining okay??? I just didny want to listen to my intuition 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
Happy Birthday another epic personal New Year.