My new book RE-REGULATED comes out in October, but if you pre-order it now, I'll give you instant, exclusive access to my newest course, INNER POWER (a $160 value). Get all the details and pre-order here: bit.ly/3XiLsj2 And if you'd like to join our Members' Book Club (where we read books about CPTSD together, and will definitely be reading RE-REGULATED as soon as it's out) become a Member here: bit.ly/CCF-Membership
Omg I know EXACTLY what you mean and with the current state of healthcare cause I work in the toxic mess and I’m pushing 60 and not in good shape…. I hear ya and I’m scared sh!?less
@@blackswan4486 yes, but respectfully we can only control ourselves and our own behavior- we can choose to focus on trying to change abusers who take advantage, a course of action that will probably have very limited success, or we can know this is someone people do and protect ourselves. I didn't read her advice at all as 'shutting abused people up'. On the contrary, I viewed it as teaching people how to take back and protect their power by realising that a shortcut of connection via oversharing usually doesn't end the way they want it to. She said 'if you are talking about that stuff as soon as you meet someone' it's too much, and confirmed that it's 'totally important to share those things with people close to us' in an 'established relationship'. But end of the day, every random person you encounter doesn't need to know your entire detailed history, and it's just not safe. I have encountered people who have told me brutal, personal, intimate things about themselves apropos of nothing the first time I ever met them- I failed to see how it helped them or me (it was often triggering for my own trauma, in fact), and if I had been someone with a purpose to harm/take advantage it could have ended very poorly for them.
So it's more than 3 things that I heard: 1. Don't share any details of your painful past with people you've just getting to know. Wait until you've known them awhile and piece-meal that information out in small bits when appropriate. 2. Don't be the one who always initiates doing things with others. It should be equal back & forth for invitations. 3. Get too wrapped up in what others are thinking & feeling. (Stop trying to "read their mind".) 4. When you feel rejected and hurt, don't flip into people-pleaser role. (Don't take crap.) 5. Black & White thinking : It's all my fault or not my fault at all. Apologizing too much and/or putting yourself down too much. Not noticing when something is your fault (being defensive instead of listening to how people feel but this doesn't apply to gaslighters/abusive people.) When people give you feedback, listen and then say that you'll think about what they've said.
Personally I think it's just easier to try and figure out a way through life involving others as little as possible. Live by yourself, try and find a job or way to make money where others involvement is minimal. This doesn't mean be a hermit and don't go out and talk to people, just keep people out of things that involve your personal space.
Most of my friends don’t initiate getting together and use the ‘I know you’re busy and hate to bother you.’ So they wait for me to suggest something. Honestly, I get busy doing my own thing and then they are ‘hurt’ because I haven’t reached out to them. For friends and family, I’ve always been the cruise director in our relationship. It gets old and tiring.
Oversharing provides manipulative people with all the information they need to gain control over your feelings. It’s actually very unsafe to overshare. I used to do that. Now I only confide in a safe therapist.
I never even knew how detrimental oversharing can be…Yeah, it’s great to have a therapist to avoid putting the mental garbage on random people or family members.
Dino F. Yup, but being aware now. For me. I find recognizing narcs, seeing the red flags, like being a defensive driver, having to pass them or go around, to avoid the inevitable. I actually have a couple narcs trying to continually communicate w me. I've already set the boundaries. But u know they are (narcs), denial, and these couple people anyhow just persist. Even though they know I know. They act like nothing ever happened. Like it's ok to them to try and continue to waste my time. I just keep steppin. Steer around them. I'm saying it's work. No new narc types in my life are going to get in. But a couple that had their tantrums, discarded me. Are back. Trying to test me. But I'm not allowing the garbage in. My perspective.
You can persue these things but them develop on their own. It's the rushing and forcing things that push people away. Think of it like a pant, if you water it as much as it needs it will grow healthy, if you over water or under water it will die.
Where were you when I was 20? At 64, I am finally learning these things, after a lifetime of pain and loneliness. Well, better late than never I guess! Thanks for these videos. They are very helpful and compassionate.
I'm so sad right now..I'm 52 and alone..I never realized what I was doing to push everyone away..I lost someone I dearly loved about a year ago and I will never be able to have that close relationship again. IT took me my whole life to find him my best friend the love of my life and I pushed him away too..
This is for everyone who tries. Who tries to learn, tries to grow, tries to respond kindly and wisely, tries to recognize their own issues instead of blaming everyone else. This is for everyone who tries to be their best even when they’re not feeling their best. I see you. I appreciate you. And I hope you know you make the world a better place, just by being you.
There was a time when I practically introduced myself as an abused, unloved mess. “Hi, I’m a mess, now let’s be friends.” It was my whole identity. Wow, this is very helpful. We can be so blind to our crappy behaviors.
Not crappy. That is your abuse still talking. We do these things as coping mechanisms in order to get our needs met. You wanted to feel connection. That's it. We do this in maladaptive ways when we don't know better...when we do, we can try better and different things. Your comment just shows how we can be still so unaware of how we talk to ourselves. How can you be a empathetic friend to others when you are so callus to yourself and your past coping mechanisms?
My last boyfriend was a person who wanted to know everything about my trauma since day 1, and he embraced all my trauma since day 1. He also presented himself as a hero, a loving dad, a saviour who was ready to kill my loneliness. I cried of happiness (now I think I was limerent at the moment). I cried because I felt that was so good to be true... Well, it literally was TOO good to be true. The true was he slowly became a narcissist who finally discarded me and made me feel more abandoned than I ever felt before. I share this story because I think that limerent people needs to know that is NOT a good signal that someone embrace your trauma since day 1. Even if we feel abandoned or not attended enough, it's healthy and a good thing that someone don't care about your trauma the day you meet for the first time. It means that person has no interest in playing a part in your traumatic storyline.
TY! Amazingly astute observation about relationship. Now, I want to permanently imbed that knowledge into my subconscious and conscious, available for immediate and automatic reference when meeting a new friend. Maybe add it to a checklist, a cheatsheet, of tips to review... maybe keep a written copy up over the visor so i can review it before I get out of my vehicle and head for any interaction with other people. 😉👍🌟
My first husband was like this. He wanted to know everything. At first it was fantastic until he turned all this info against me. Since then I have been very guarded about personal info.
This sounds like histrionic personality disorder. Like what Amber Heard is. They lavish you with attention and service and position themselves as the savior to all your problems. Then they slowly turn on you and use all your info against you.
Thank you I was looking for this. A recap at the end of the video would have made it clearer in my mind. They all relate to clearer boundaries between me and not me.
MY Notes: 1. Do not get real with people from the start about your trauma or your relationship with them is busted, most likely you will be a victim. Stay confident, earn each other's trust, build the relationship and only dose out this information along a huge timespan. Do not let it out at once to someone you barely know. 2. Do not be a people pleaser, over apologizer, you might love bomb people without them knowing and it feels yucky, phony and off putting for the other person. Instead take a more detached approach, not so overly focused on one person, keep your autonomy and keep your options open to multiple people. If someone does not respond to your love and kindness and attempts at bridging the relationship, try meeting more people, do not beg for love, do not chase, do not cling. It has to be a 2 way street. 3. Acknowledge you are neither a victim, nor an abuser. Give up black and white thinking and realize you are human, you make mistakes, but you are not at fault for everything and makimg mistakes is totally normal. Do not swing between: "others are the problem, not me" to "i am always the problem". Instead take a grey, neutral approach.
That's good advice. We g9tta have the same boundries as other people. Self preservation is important, and we should respect ourselves in abSOULution. And expect nothing from anyone, and dont let their expectations exceed what is mutually beneficial.
When people are rude, harsh, critical, or argumentative, recognize it’s not really about you and resist the urge to react emotionally. Don’t allow their behavior to dictate your mood or steal your peace Standing up for yourself doesn’t make you argumentative. Sharing your feelings doesn’t make you oversensitive. And saying no doesn’t make you uncaring or selfish. If someone won’t respect your feelings, needs, and boundaries, the problem isn’t you; it’s them
I've listened to thousands of videos, lectures from psychologists and even books on childhood trauma but no one and I mean no one as of yet has ever put how I feel and think at times so clear like this lady....ur a true fairy. Thank you.
I personally love that she encourages people to look at themselves too, not just everyone else. Makes a big difference when we're able to be objective. ❤
@@johntuohy8007 I get your point but am happy this way at least if anything goes wrong it's only you to blame. I'm straight to the point so either you like me or hate me
When I was a teenager and first left home, for years I would start telling the trauma stories as soon as I met people and everyone would run a mile and I could never understand why. 20 years later, it all makes sense, lol.
I always thought it was a test. If they know right away what’s wrong with me, it will save us all a lot of time (because, of course, I feel they will leave as soon as they find out about it all).
Anonymous Informer Is it morally wrong not to jump into the water to save a human being when you can't swim yourself or are not a rescue swimmer? As much as I wish we all would live up to more moral/ethical standards I often observe how morality gets in the way of kindness and compassion. That doesn't serve the moral purpose and it doesn't support those in need.
Over sharing too soon was my mistake, however, I’m also noticing the double standards by would be friends and I’m so glad I escaped them. Recently I made a play date with a mom and her kids with my two and did a little over sharing but realized she also made some “new friendship mistakes herself” (she later ignored my texts) She was a gossip and before I had a chance to say anything other than Hi, she proceeded to explain how she didn’t like so and so and overshared why and how her bakery shop cupcakes were also gross so let’s go somewhere else, she even apologized at the end of our play date for her children’s “behavior” saying her kids didn’t talk enough. I had to disagree. They were lovely and didn’t do anything wrong. I was willing to give her the benefit of the doubt and not judge her for her character flaws and blaming her own kids for doing nothing wrong. My instincts tell me she didn’t like that I overshared but by the other side of the coin I was willing to overlook hers and looking back I’m glad I dodged the hypocrite.
@@saran.4001 a”devil” being after me is not in my personal belief system. I find such a thought to be terribly unhealthy and spooky. Perhaps you didn’t mean that comment literally.
I keep to myself now and dont share because I've done that in the past to have it used against me. So it makes me not trust. And I'd rather do that then fear it being used against me again.
Some things can't be unheard or unspoken. True, that. And without a healthy relationship to allow for the vulnerabilities , and to support them and the other person, it can crash right in on itself before it has a chance to get started.
Ppl.who push you away is because of reasons they only knew about. Which also enables them to create false, and harmful lifelong pain.the isolation comes from the same source. The abuse came from Our system of preference, wealth, and high society. I know who I am, and now know why. Realization of a double standard, and cold hearts, cruelty, isn't something you can just put a bandaid on. Extremism vs. innocence. Psychology is used to disguise the damage done to others. A very useful tool on children, as seen today. Fact. Do not presume rumors are true. Only the abilities and resourcefulness by the competition.
i was never good with small talk. it's hard to not trauma dump but i've been being more conscious of it lately. my mantra now is "the less you say, the better". i was always a quiet kid, and listening was a skill that always served me. people used to bully me for being "too quiet" but i'm trying to get back to that, just listening. less talking. i'd rather be "too quiet" than freak people out.. feels like every time i open my mouth i embarrass myself.
Ditto, completely! I really don't know the best way to talk with people and always wonder later if I said the wrong thing. I rarely talked as a child, hardly see humans now and trying to mostly just listen.
I am not able to take criticism from others. It destroys me. I have been abused and mobbed too much in my early days. Years of therapy couldn`t change the fact that I feel safe only when I am alone and don't have to cope with other people. I can function at work because I can play the role of the nice, easy-going working colleague who doesn't go on other peoples' nerves. But that is straining and as soon as I get home, I shut the door behind me and feel my inner peace.
You sound like you've found a way of coping for a while anyway, wouldn't it be worth finding a professional to process your traumas with? It might prevent problems arising in the future.
I feel this too. Like i have to put on mask i mean of experience even people who cared abt you don't really care that much it drains them or i just never met people with same level empathy who can listen because i can listen while they're not.
I must say - I am getting YEARS of therapy gains from your videos, Fairy. I mean - WOW! I love how you break down these basic skills that most of us with CPTSD missed because of our trauma - and you do it with kindness and truth and realness. THANK YOU!!!
There is another side of over-sharing that has to do with fear of getting too deep into a relationship and then having the other person find out something really heavy about you that they can't handle, resulting in them leaving or withdrawing. It's not so much begging for something as protecting your feelings down the road in case something like that were to happen. When I have done this, I didn't want anything from the person other than for them to listen and accept me. Personally I never shared my trauma with people when I was younger, but in recent years I've found it therapeutic to verbalize those things and see how people react. When someone else shares their trauma with me, yes it can be uncomfortable, but I also respect their honesty and relate with their pain. The fact is, everyone has some form of trauma, so if we can get those things out in the open we don't have to fear them anymore.
I told no one of the abuse when it was happening. Had good friends I thought then. Now I'm just "too intense" though I also have fun and am very giving. Most people prefer superficiality it seems. Non humans are my companions now.
I agree. You want to make sure they are going to support you before you get too close. And this is what counselors and such claim to want us to do, and yet, when we do it (that is, test the waters before we dive in), that’s wrong also. Everything we do is wrong, just like it is with our abusers… HMMMMMM…
"Leaking loneliness" The conversation piece is huge for me. I try so hard to find things to share that won't touch a trauma area of my story or sad emotions that's just all that there really is and this is why I rarely put myself in this position anymore. It never works for me.
I just left a comment about how my entire existence is surrounded in trauma. Literally from the first time I meet somebody it’s trauma. Why did you move here? Who do you live with? What do you do for work? All of it is rooted in trauma and there’s no way I can avoid it unless I just completely lie and it makes me initially appear to be a sketchy person.
I've never heard someone directly describe these behaviors -- period! I am smiling and nodding my head because I realize why I caused myself so much pain, blaming others for "doing something to me." Maybe they were rude or unkind --- but my reaction was what made me so unhappy and obsessed.
It is just very difficult to not to overwhelm others when you are in need of serious help, because you lack old time friends, and you are in a threatening situation. It is also very difficult not to be angry. But you are absolutely right, and these are things we need to understand.
Just don't expect normal people to understand, because the cannot and do not want to understand. They couldn't care less about you. If you are autistic, they can and will abuse you and mock you behind your back.
I've just come to the conclusion recently while watching all these videos about narcissism, I was one of the people also pointing my fingers outward. Studying learning all about the narc. But the narc ain't the problem. The fight begins within. I get it. I'm learning to Own it. And wanna shout it to the world. There is hope for me anyhow. I see the change. I am the change. Set boundaries, being aware of my emotions. RESPONDING. Amen. Thank you.
Great share, I to was lead to her teaching because of an old working relationship that I walked away from where the other had very clear emotional issues that were narcissistic... for some reason its yet to be cleared from my system so I am still tryin g to process it. For me as a person with a form of cptsd, I found certain relational issues have pattern, its usally the person struggling with their own narrsistic tendencies that usally ends up slowly hating me. Dialing in the whys, I think it's because of cptsd but more so my intolerance to N. behaviors... like hell no, I sleep good at night because I own my truth and calmly let be know which some people just can't handle because of their privilege and superiority tendencies. It's interesting how this can be an unconscious transaction. This video is great, with no prior long term counseling its refreshing to nail down obscure things or blind spots that happen but you can't consciously articulate them. Never give up friends! Feeling different is possible ✊🏼
@@frowniebrown86 I know what I need to do. Been procrastinating tho. Just holdin myself accountable out loud. My narc is so far off into denial of reality. Or absolutely thinks I'm really just unconscious. Blows my mind how See through. Been tryin to hug me lately. Even cooked for me. I have few bucks in my pocket. Thats all. She wants it. I guess my no contact/ Breadcrumbing her w intentions on getting away as soon as I can. I'm Responding. She's clueless to the damge she's done. I'm in the foggy zone picken up my self. Hah. Ps. I'm overcoming it. I'll be whole. Not there yet. But I see it comin.
@@405OKCShiningOn Ramani is a blast to listen to, she's like a mechanic who can take a motor apart and put it back to together, fast. In essence there is a method to the matrix with regard to the isness of mental health... heck Amazon can now predict when woman will be pregnant before woman do themselves... "how" we ask, people like the people listed tune the AI to read it.
@@Yellow-Rose Actually what I have learned over decades is that humans group together in networks for either quality of life issues (ie: help) or for survival (need). I grew up as a military brat. Every 3 years any bonds with people were broken. You belong to a community in the looses definition of that term. You stop at a certain age ...investing in people. You don't take things personally and the separations after a while stop hurting. You even become this way with family. Communities are like "net-works." Like a web, where everybody has a station and if you are a wave-maker or plan to do something different it puts stress on the web of people who are dependent or interdependent. Very independent people usually don't get on with those systems because the constraints of belonging... limit what we want to do. The particular type of liberty or freedom that we want/need scares people who like security, stability and predictability. Typically when we are "found out" we are soon expelled or we run away. Don't miss understand. I like people ( but I fear them). I have a heart of service- but I am objective and goal oriented. I am not selfish. I have just discovered that you can either have people or you can have freedom. You can't have both at the same time. I personally prefer freedom and lucky me that I can actually have it and pay what ever it cost. I don't need/want favors that need to be paid back. I can pay for the services that I need. The thing that makes me feel a little lonely is that it is not something I have found that others value. It is extremely unusual for a woman to be this radical. I am totally UN-tribal.when I was a kid, my family thought that It was odd that I was uncomfortable with the idea of dating. my other siblings did date...I always thought that it was stupid to be living at somebody else expectation, by declaration. I always thought that it was stupid to give away your freedom as a young person. I always wondered why do that?
@@lynnehood2198 By tribe I guess I meant people who share common interests. Thank you so much for such a wonderful response. "You can either have people or have freedom"- very interesting! It may sound dramatic that I want to move away from the small town community that I was raised in bc everyone expects me to assimilate and become another clone. Obey or be publicly stoned. I don't want to live my life from a template. Friends, it's hard to make close friends that I can confide in/trust. Seems certain people only want certain things from me, and if I don't give it to them, they drop me. It's parasitic. I've learned how to better protect my heart. Don't share too much personal info with people who will use "dirt" against you, even though you just wanted to help them by commiserating and sharing your own personal experiences. It will be used against you. You may detect a little bitterness but it's for good reason. I'm still recovering from a horrible smear campaign which almost led to a nervous breakdown. May I ask what you do for a living, or if you have a blog or something?
@@camilledvorak7151 you have a point but so does he there's just some people you can't have in your life because of the drama that they bring and they bring their negative energy to you and they're stressed to you and sometimes you just have to let them go.
I'm guilty of all of these. What further complicates my situation is I'm on the autism spectrum, which means I've been masking my entire life to try and fit into society. I learned early on that my natural way of being drove people away, so I watched others and how they interacted with each other and mimicked that. I got so good at it that nobody who knows me believes I'm on the spectrum. But that caused me to fall into many of these traps you're explaining, like people pleasing, being overly concerned with other people, copying their ways, joining into their interests, etc. It's overwhelming to people and has the opposite effect of what I need. I'm 57 years old and still trying to figure it all out.
@Heesun It always helps to know there's someone else out there who gets it. At least we know we're not alone. I recommend a channel by Olivia Hops. It has helped me a lot.
Exactly my case, to be perfectly honest by keeping to myself I do not get hurt or needy until someone pressured me to get closer the reality is that what I need is only a little bit of friendship but to get that bit ones has to practice the above, .... I learned on the hard way that people do not expect us or me to tell them all about my life I felt if I would not speak about my life there would not be connection which was a dreadful mistake things are complicated, when I tend to be a bit aloof and I do make effort to make friends it seems it works better than when I make an effort. I think people tend to feel attracted to those who are out of reach or takes a bit of work ... I remember at school as soon the class was over I just run to catch the bus, never attended any extra social events with my classmates never invited anyone to my house, i liked to seat at the top of the class observing all, I would speak little lough a lot and that was it.... the amount of the girls who wanted to be my friends was extraordinaire to be honest some would chase me ... now that I try to have connections it does not work .... so I will go back to my old self and that would apply with family too even with my mother. I call her quite often, recently discovered that she does not have my phone number she never asked me she never called me for 10 I think she has said it all time to move on.... if we try to change without professional guidance we will make horrendous mistakes I hope my comment makes some sense I struggle putting my words and meanings together.
Surely childhood PTSD must manifest in different ways and this is only one of them. I have found that I open up to no one due to the overwhelming fear of being rejected. I'm always the listener, never the talker.
I honestly am really closed off because part of my trauma is emotional. I wasn’t allowed to talk about my feelings or I got “punished” (aka abused), so now I’m an adult who has issues opening up 😬.
I had that experience growing up, on top of being bullied by other kids. I was punched in the face twice between the ages of 6th grade and 9th grade for doing NOTHING. Second time (example) was in the school gym between classes or lunch (I forget why/how, the gym was full of kids) and some girl threw gum in my hair (I never met hee in my life) . I said who did that, someone pointed who did it so I told the teacher. She got so enraged I told on her she ran down after me, right in front the teacher... punched me in the damn face. I have had nothing but police and courts treat me like SHIT from hell, and I have never been arrested (was threatened to be, twice tho for things I didn't do) i have had my xo workers (jealous) and siblings ans parents talk crap about me behind my back... My point is I suffered a LOT of trauma. It took until my late 30s/ early 40s (my videos/pics r NOT filtered, yea I look younger) to be comfortable speaking my mind and speaking UP for myself, and it took until this scamdenic to REALLY gain confidence not being afraid to speak truth, and do what I need to do, after discovering hoe utterly brainwashed and stupid most of mankind really is, (seeing all the masks and how (almost) everyone fell for the LIES) , so I now totally speak my mind and am not afraid to speak, OR make new friends. Now its easier than ever to date (for those who are single)or make friends.. If they wear a mask ..NEXT! LOL
@@ms.anonymousinformer242 I am sorry to hear all that happened to you. I also dealt with alot of trauma both in school and at home with narc parents. I also kept to myself alot but then tend to overshare too much of my story to others I just met. With this scam-demic, I've learned to no longer give any fucks. There is a group of old "friends" from school I used to go to, and yesrs ago they stood me up at a birthday party I had, then now years later tried contacting me after they saw my missing persons report filed by my toxic parents. They also wouldn't engage with me or text me on socials but would view my story. I got in contact with one of them, then haven't heard from the rest in a few months. I always would be the one to reach out instead of them having my contact info and taking the time to shoot me a text hey how are you. I've had people who tried reaching out, saying they miss me but then stop talking once they find out I don't want to go back to CA and visit them. So recently I sent this group of old school "friends" a song I haven't listened to in 4 years, but the lyrics eerily sum up my life within the past year along with a middle finger emoji. After not reaching out for a few months after seeing my text they replied immediately... one of them even called me. I am sick and tired of those who don't want to put in the effort to give a fuck about me, with all the fakeness. I've had enough.
Loneliness makes us appear needy. We dominate the conversation with our stories. But for friendship to blossom there has to be give and take, reciprocity. In a new friendship, if you start telling your trauma stories, this may not be appopriate. It may all come out too intense.
for me, I believe I was desperately looking for someone to save me from my awful family environment. I wanted to matter to someone. once I began to educate myself about npd abuse, I was able to begin healing. its been a long road. 🙂
I’m kind of the opposite. I tend to be evasive when people try to get to know me, because family is so fundamental to people’s lives and identity, and most people want to hear happy stories and connect with people they can relate to. I don’t have happy stories to tell, and it’s not that I come from a dysfunctional family (except maybe the first six years of my life), because more than that, I basically didn’t grow up in a family, period, and I have no family members in my life except my husband. I last saw my mother when I was six, and I’ve never met my father, 3 out of 4 grandparents, any of my siblings, aunts or uncles except one, or any first cousins. I didn’t even know who half of my family was until about 3 years ago, and evidently I’m the deep, dark secret that my father wants to pretend never happened. People don’t even know how to process that or what to do with that, and it requires too much effort for most people. In my younger, more naive days, I used to think my family story shouldn’t matter as much as what I’ve been able to do with my life in spite of my lack of family, but life experience has disabused me of that notion. For most people, it does matter. It is what it is.
Indifference and cowardice should not be rewarded in any way. Unfortunately, this world is full of people like that. Fact-Those who want to be in your life will make the effort... There is also alot of caring people out there..I've met a few. Trust your instinct, always..
The "criticism" from others can be the continuation of the abuse that caused the CPTSD in the first place if it concerns particular people/relatives and their enabler-friends (who also have "skeletons in the cupboard" to hide). This mistreatment which was a cause of the Cptsd in the first place can continue into adulthood by the same people if they are not stopped (& even disengaged with). It's much harder with family members who you might be emotionally embroiled with & who are problematic & have hidden their behaviours from others all their lives, they have a lot invested in keeping the abuse going & silencing the sufferer, thus continuing the cptsd.
3:20 "The people who can handle it are the very people who are not good for us to be around." 😒🤔🤦🏻♂️ Best piece of advice all week. Even years after learning this, it still can be difficult to keep this from being a problem. After surviving a house fire, it's normal to look around at the people and want to talk. Some are "fascinated" by fires. Some are just bored and in the neighborhood. Some got burned and need help. Some like the destruction. Some are arsonists and pyromaniacs. One may have tossed the match, and wants a good show. Not everyone is a firefighter just because we need them to be. Stay strong.
Lol I've learnt when a person I've just met asks me "how I ended up in a wheelchair" to just nope the heck away from them lol I call them drama junkies lol
Those ppl Didnt experience the fire the way you did. When something changes your perspective..I think it's normal to voice that. Choose people who do seem to get the point..That life can change in an instant. I know it myself. I bet the ones who havent had a Big event/ circumstance like that...will. Then They will be wanting to Talk about it. Maybe it will be you who Gets it. You may be the only one..a Chance to show grace to the Ones in Peril.
Reciprocal relationships is something I really struggle with. I had to learn not to trauma dump on people as a form of conversation. So many times I got embarrassed when I realized I was like a cold bucket of water on the atmosphere because I was monopolizing the conversation with everything that was stressing me out. Also, I grew up with a dad who, I believe, likely has CPTSD himself and a brother who has a lot of narcissistic tendencies. They both were takers, so now, when someone doesn't reciprocate, I go into a spiral of doubt as to whether they even like me at all. Or, if I have been the one giving more a couple times in a row, I worry that they are takers too and I'm just being naive about them. It is comforting to know that I'm not crazy and that this is a common issue, not just me being weird.
Hi. I'm a 67 lady. Have had years of trauma. My father disappeared when I was a child. My mother became a alcoholic when I was about 8. Now because I've had problems with people I trusted etc. I have isolated myself. I no longer go to public events. Or anywhere where I might see the people who have hurt me. I think about taking my own life every day as I feel so tired. I live on my own now. I am a artist so try to keep busy with my crafts.
Do you have a website to show your art? If not, go to a seniors internet group with free tuition. When you show your art, it would extra others people including artists to develop. friendships/communications with. Volunteer at a local school reading to children, or walking a neighbors dog. You would be forming small bonds with those children or animals that would show your value is needed by others. And yet wouldn't out as much pressure on your or expectations that adults would..besides children and a animals are SO trustworthy.
Janice, it's time to be your own best friend and parent! Make your last years comfortable, happy and fulfilling for you in your day to day life, even if it's a small life. Might as well enjoy the rest of your "visit" eh? Maybe do some writing about some nice things you could do with the time you have left. I hope you have a good day today :)
My wife received CPTSD diagnosis in Jan. I remain supportive, lift her up, try to be there for her. She responds with aggression and hateful responses. Contact, I love yous, even wearing wedding band has all stopped. Im at a loss whats next, what, if anything can I do? She has completely checked out. I can't talk to or reason with her. Communication has ceased completely for last 2 weeks. Its put me to new lows emotionally and I dont know what I can do to support and help her. I miss the wife and family we used to have before this.
I was so hoping that #3 was on this list. I just ended a "promising" friendship with a woman who, after I articulated my need to set some boundaries around my time, started doing hurtful passive-aggressive things. Twice I asked that we talk about what was going on; neither time did she accept my invitation. Finally, not feeling good about how I'd ghosted her, I wrote her. She wrote be back. She took no responsibility whatsoever for the breakdown of the relationship. None. Zero. Nada. The tone of her response was "you did this to me and it hurt sooooo much." That is, she was a victim; I was the villain. I knew then there was no hope of reconciliation. Now I know although I may have ended it in the wrong way, it was the right thing to do. We can't fix what we can't face, says James Baldwin.
This happens with me with my own mother she calls me more than once a day and talks gor more than an hour 🙄 when I finally let her know I have things to do and don't want to talk to her on Saturday she acts like I'm being mean to her and tries to make me feel guilty..then other people tell me I'm lucky to have a mother to talk to how they would give anything to talk to their mother again..I just wonder if their mother's were as negative as mine is and has squashed their ideas anytime they wanted to get out in the world and do things and go places 🤔
@@candydeaver4818 your mother sounds like she's got problems she hasn't faced. Is she on her own? Maybe encourage her to see a family therapist with you ?
I've never heard fawning used like this before, but it makes so much sense. Once you said it, I realized I was confusing fawning with what I thought was love, and believing I was there for the other person, when really I wasn't. Or trying to pacify them by fawning in certain situations. Feels like a weight has been lifted again, thank you :)
I've been on the receiving end of fawning and it is suffocating. I just need my space. I hate it when these people are watching me all the time and sometimes I am unaware of it as I don't have eyes in the back of my head and prefer to be focused on speaker in a talk or teacher in a class not everyone else apart from maybe my neighbour. Fawning includes wanting to help someone with something and refuses to take 'no' for answer. That isn't love. It's cruelty especially when the fawner messes up the assistance with a task. I knew somebody like that and gave in only to have to snatch my bicycle back because he was pushing it along in the gutter over broken glass or dragging my bag along the floor or ground by the shoulder straps when he could have held it by the shorter hand strap or carried it on his shoulders. It was a head game he liked to play because it riled people up whether they gave in to him or not.
That's true but it can be limiting. I've now moved away from a town which I didn't like, where I felt unsafe and out of place, to another more tranquil area which I feel much more suited to.
This is possibly the most potent video of yours I've listened to yet, and thank you so much. I've done this so much: poured my heart out to people I'd just met, to have them disappear in shock, or respond by "love-bombing" me and then disappearing when they'd had their fill. Revealing myself slowly, becoming vulnerable to another who EARNS the right to my vulnerability one minute at a time, one hour at a time, is a skill I'm working on and just cherish. Thank you for bringing this up.
I’m late to the party- but the “other focused” rang so true and it hit me hard when you said that it was a product of gauging my own safety in unsafe circumstances. Wow. Lightbulb moment.
I've been working on myself for years, yet recently found myself ghosted once again. I own my deficits, but dealing with other humans is so layered and complex. It makes me wonder if at 50 I should just forget about trying to find my person. My 19 year old cat is the only soul that's ever truly loved me. 💛😽💛
Glad you are here, dealing with humans is difficult and we all understand the temptation to give up, but here is another option which helped so many of us! courses.crappychildhoodfairy.com/courses/daily-practice this link will take you to a free course to learn the Daily Practice, something that Anna refers to often. Once at the course, leave your email so that you can be notified of other events such as free zoom calls where you meet Anna & receive additional support. -Cara@TeamFairy
This one resignated big time thank you for this in addition explain why I never had friends. I’m intrusive, over sharing and odd. Suffering from CPTSD is a lot however, I will still flourish!
Yep but its the grease that makes the small conversations move by easily without pain for all...and sometimes might lead to someone saying ohh I like that its snowing because I love to ski! Leading someone else in say the lunchroom to say hey I love skiing too. 2 people may now have a work friendship bloom out of polite conversation. As a cpTsder I find it more uncomfortable sitting in a lunchroom where everyone looks at their phone and no one speaks day after day. I get anxious waiting for someone to blow up out of the silence. Just a different point of view.
Same here....it's mindless drivel & empty. I like talking about ideas & productive activities. Most people I meet are uncreative. They don't read. They don't have hobbies. They want to talk about things like tv shows. I find most people very "flat" and feel like I'm wasting my time trying to forge a friendship with them.
I agree with this 100 percent. This is so helpful, and I am working on getting rid of the "victim" mentality as I am no longer a child and I have a choice of what happens next.
I have a difficult time connecting with people. Doesn’t help much when you have the facial expressions and no outward emotions of a serial killer, with the inability to make “normal” eye contact, and trip over the simplest sentences in a conversation. People immediately get the impression I’m not genuine, cold, snobby, etc.
I was in a bad relationship and I thought she was the problem. It wasn’t until after the relationship ended I started realizing that every time she would do something vastly inappropriate, I would respond with a gut reaction of “No! I’m fine! I’m not uncomfortable! It’s totally ok!” It’s totally not ok, and if it were anyone else asking me for advice in that situation, I would tell them to never put up with that kind of behavior. This video was a good eye-opener in a very uncomfortable way
I really connected with and started tearing up over the idea of an emotional front porch, and deciding what to let in when someone gives you criticism. I think when you are told negative things about your self or even over the top positive things since you are a child it leaves you with a lack of sense of self, and leaky boundaries. Especially when it’s the adults around you and you trust them whole heartedly to tell you who you are. It’s crazy how it takes years and years to sort out the trauma to get to the heart of who you actually are.
Love this! This is the perfect next step for people who are healing from CPTSD. The beginning stages require us to recognize the wrongs that have been done to us, then we establish proper boundaries, and now we can recognize the wrongs that WE have committed and address them. So we can rebuild healthy relationships.
I just lost a really nice man because of No connection I was fawning and he knew it. I just was boring I talked little about myself. Im usually a chatty Kathy but with him I don't know I was not very funny, charming , flirtatious just really quiet. He alluded to a girl (JUST) friend he kept saying ;yet he brought her up alot maybe it was self protection on my part??????? I'm pretty intuitive.
I'm only about 3 minutes into the video and I can tell you that I have spilled my guts, at times that I have no clue why. Oh, the looks on the poor peoples' faces. Like a deer in headlights!
I can tell you that for me, it's because I went sooooo long swallowing my feelings and pretending things were fine when they weren't. I find it almost impossible now to do that. It feels disingenuous. My coping strategy is to try to turn the conversation back to the other person when I like I'm going to unload too much onto someone new, but it doesn't work very well. Once those floodgates are open there's no stopping me. I have seen that look on their faces too - when you know you'd made someone uncomfortable but you just can't stop. Ugh. I usually withdraw for days after that.
I've only recently learned to rally share stuff with people and it has let to a deepening of my conversations by about 200%. Even with just acquaintances. It comes from a place of compassion and interest though, not from expecting the other one to be the fix. I think it's worth it. Our world is so superficial. We are all hurting. We are all longing for a deeper connection. Not the same thing as "oversharing" though. That's when you just unload on someone.
Some of the best people are open and honest. Look at how many who've overcome drug addiction and talk about it. I dont find it offensive and they certainly arent pushing me away.
@@angelarose2673 I didn't mean the first time you met someone who needed you. YOU may be the last person they spoke to. Sadly this will reflect back onto you someday when you need a shoulder. And you will.
I would much prefer someone's words to my face to match their actions behind my back. It might hurt, but not near as much as the added wound of them lying. And, assertiveness is not aggressiveness. And assertiveness is more likely to be honest. Passive -aggressive can just be eliminated. No need for it, whatsoever.
I just recently found your videos and I’m finding them super helpful and eye opening. This video was especially hard-hitting for me. Your point about reciprocity left me feeling sad and unsure of what to do. I naturally feel safest when I’m alone, so I tend to withdrawal most of the time. The issue is I feel like people never initiate with me to hang out or talk, so I feel like if it weren’t for me reaching out I would be completely isolated and I feel like no one would even think twice about me. I’d like to think people like being around me, because when I ask to hang out they always seem happy to make plans. It would just be nice to know I care enough to people for them to reach out first... 😞
I would highly recommend starting the Daily Practice. There is free instruction here crappychildhoodfairy.com/ We find that we are more clear and able to distinguish the true from the false (would I have friend if I didn't reach out all the time?) when we begin this practice. -Cara@TeamFairy
Don't feel bad I have done extreme and left people alone for close too 11 years I can honestly say people just seem straight evil now or blank nothing or even worse the brainwashed sheep that just go along too get along .....oh well.Feel better I feel you though.
I can relate wholeheartedly. I have been avoiding some painful truths about my friendships and relationships for a long time. Fear of being alone can blind you. I find myself initiating contact with friends, making effort to drive distances to see them. If I make plans, they will say, things like, “I’ll let you know if I don’t have any plans” or send texts with pics of them at places saying “wish you were here” after not inviting me. Like dangling a friendship carrot on a stick. So I ask, “how did my friendships get here? What can I do to cultivate genuine trustworthy lasting relationships and what filters can I implement to select the right kind of people in my life? What is it that I am saying or doing that gives people the idea I’m not worthy of a genuine relationship?” Being afraid to be alone will ultimately attract disingenuous people.
In my abusive family I was the healer, care-taker child. I became a complementary therapist, a Reiki master, a counsellor which suited my need to heal people in order to feel more safe in the world. Now I see that, when doing 'good' is a compulsion, or old patterned behaviour, it's not in the present moment and maybe I need to learn to listen, to ask people what they want or need from me or admit that I feel uncomfortable with their pain or situation! I've got a lot to learn in my 65th year. An empath, HSP with CPTSD. Gentle but persistent growth is the way for me now.
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy thank you. In this Age of Aquarius learning self love seems a theme that pops up all over. I think I'm better at loving others! I ask for help. Thanks for your sharing here. xx
Okay, I’m only seven minutes into this, and I have to say, you just gave me (gifted me) a HUGE lightbulb moment. Fauning behavior AND the “crap fit”. Anna, this is the story of my adult life. My mother’s fauning and my general crapfit response to her and to others in my family. Yes, fauning feels creepy, like you said. I could never really put my finger on this before. Thank you. Your wisdom is gold. 🌹
I've completely emotionally shut down so I cant keep friendships or anything. When people show emotion I cant empathize with them because I have shut mine off. This turns people off.
@@trishayamada807 that's how I used to be. I was always very "emotionally plugged in" so to say, even as a kid. My parents called me an empath because of how I connected with emotions and vibrations. I was super in tune with myself and others until what happened, happened. What's most confusing is I'm not even holding myself emotionally hostage, I truly dont rememeber how to be vulnerable. It's not that I'm all depressed and always thinking about my past.... I really don't often... I've just learned how to "function" as a parent and contributing member of society. What's missing is everything else that makes me human. I'm just a shell of a person I once was. The scary part is, everyday that goes by I get further and further from remembering what I'm supposed to feel like and how I should see the world/people. I wonder how much I've already totally forgotten and it's been about 10 years.
I am on the receiving end of a partner who does this. It’s very traumatizing to be with someone who won’t feel their emotions and therefore can’t empathize with mine (and I feel things DEEPLY) Here’s what I’d love to see from my partner: go back and fully feel everything that was denied or not allowed. Because as of this moment the only feeling he allows is anger so I’m over here feeling the full spectrum of emotions with a partner who turns everything into anger 🤦🏼♀️
@@ImSimplyAHuman It's too bad you feel that way. What's dangerous is you expect your partner to change to make you happy. Instead try embracing his insecurity and not pushing. He probably feels pretty pressured by you. He probably wont change anytime soon as inner healing never ends. Maybe move on, it sounds like hes not emotionally available. I would never date as I have nothing to give someone and I find people needy.
Honestly a lot of people out there are ignorant, immature, thoughtless and unpleasant and a waste of time and effort to be in a relationship with. I’m definitely the one who has made most of the effort to make it happen with people in the past, including my family, and it’s recovery for me to stop doing that. Bottom line, I love being alone with myself and God, neither of whom treat me poorly 🌸❤️
Say what you mean and mean what you say, those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind, these videos cause people to overthink and question whether they should say this or say that, just be you and everything else will fall into place. You can’t lose what’s meant for you. Just speak your truth and love yourself wholeheartedly.
Love yourself! Yes! I agree with you, and I agree with her. I have done all of what she describes, until I loved ME more. With that, acceptance from outside of you isn’t needed the same. I love myself now and now I find I often say what I mean and mean what I say. Game changer. I am being trusted and valued. I am beginning genuine friendships.
But sometimes it's like learning to choose your battles you're not just going to walk into a funeral home to someone's funeral you don't know sit down next to somebody and just start spilling your whole life story you can tell your story you just have to tell it in small parts and use your best judgment on when it's okay to talk about it because not everybody is bruised and damaged like us they can't comprehend or take everything in all at once so you can still mean what you say and say what you mean and maybe sometimes it's okay to overthink and question whether you should say this right now or maybe you should wait till you get in the van and it's a smaller group of people
I used to overshare, but after ive found myself in a emotional abusive relationship i now struggle with the opposite. In friendships it,s a little better but in romantic connections as soon as i realize that in order to connect i will eventually have to open up/show emotion i actually shut down and can come across detached. This ranges from talking about trauma but also just simply saying that i might like getting to know that person. I tend to just mute. I can grasp how that shift happend, it really taps into shame and feeling unwanted. Ive been doing great on setting boundries but i do struggle changing that aspect. Relatable for anyone? Tips are welcome aswell ❤
TY for sharing. I believe I am in a similar position with relationships. I feel if I make use of Anna's free 💝 materials, and continue binging on her videos, the secrets will be revealed. 🦋 I applaud our courage!
Thank you Anna. I am making a connection with so much of what you are saying. At nearly 54, I had not heard of CPTSD or covert avoidance, but these concepts make sense of much of the unhappiness in my life. I actually had loving parents - they did love all four of us - but they had a highly volatile and often hostile and verbally violent relationship. I do feel that we were caught up in that and many of my childhood experiences were dysfunctional. For example, we were brought up with the 'nature not nurture' idea that your talents are innate, mistakes are a sign of weakness, and other disempowering beliefs. I have made my happiness dependent on pleasing other people. Now, in this pandemic, there seems little left, with friends and loved ones out of reach. So at last I am looking at myself and starting to look inward to address some of my attidudes and habits that need healing. Thank you for your help.
I think Rachel you have honed in on the unseen opportunity of the times we are going through and how we can utilize it for self growth instead of fear and panic. If you're into Astrology I believe this was one of the significant meanings of Jupiter and Saturn in Aquarius, the choice between two different ways of being when we're all going through something collectively. I think Anna presents many great opportunities for self reflection and connecting our past to our present gives a lot of impetus to begin anew.
@David S. Trying to keep people safe is not a failure. The failure was done by Trump who knew how dangerous it was. When he screwed up he made governors fight for supplies. Even now no plan for giving of vaccines. I know public health and he screwed us over big time. Put the blame where due.
@David S. I value my life and that of others. Life is too precious and short to knowingly risk it’s loss. Stay safe and protect your family. Happy New Year to you and yours.
Very true. Before finding out that I had been diagnosed with CPTSD, I found it almost impossible to restrain myself, because the pull was so strong to share. Now that I know why I was doing what I did, it is much easier to pull back, to accept what people are showing/telling me, and just restraining myself. I have been in therapy for 3 years, and they never once shared with me what my diagnosis was. It wasn’t until I was at my wits end with insomnia that I tried to diagnose myself did my current therapist told me the diagnosis. Imagine the shock… I think how I could have not sabotaged so many relationships as a result of being in the dark. Love your work. Thank you.
I would not say I had a traumatic childhood, and yet I recognise so much of myself in this, particularly 'our loneliness gets leaky.' Looking back I can see that although I grew up in a fairly large family (four siblings) I was a lonely child and I still feel that loneliness, but my way of coping is to reject others before they can reject me (which I'm sure they will, eventually.)
I just feel that we need to be ourselves and the right ones will stay. It seem too much to control what we say and how we react to attract friendship. Generally people with childhood trauma end up being depressed as adults and have a lot of anxiety. They are drained out emotionally, mentally and physically. Please allow them the space to be them because they use every little energy they just to pass another day. If your friends just want you around for the good fun times but are going to run off the moment you need a shoulder to cry on or even need help, do you need that friendship? Friendship should be genuine by both parties and each should be there for the other in good and bad times. Otherwise it's better to be alone if friendship is just one way and demands to much of how and what we say. I had a lot of this friends for good times only and they are not there when I was helpless. It felt so painful. I grew up watching Golden Girls and Friends, so I based friendship on them. They are always there for each other. Slowly, I disconnected all this people. I am happy when I am alone and when I have a problem, I have figure it out on my own anyway but now with less heartache. I trust the universe will guide me and I surrender.
I think people who have grown up being abused and have developed CPTSD, absolutely need to address their situation and change it, otherwise it will rarely get better. Such childhood abuse stunts maturity and emotional development and thus prevents the adult (child) from living a satisfying adult life. With awareness, focus, persistence and self-care, it can be reversed
That was really really helpful! Embarrassing, but helpful. I'd love for you to speak about coping with embarrassment. Thanks for all the great content!
Wow… Trust me that’s not underwhelming it’s the exact opposite. You just helped me realize why when someone treats me poorly I go back up to them. It is me in a sense of trying to prove to myself that I have not been hurt and I’m going to people pleasing mode. Thanks for that! What an eye-opener.
I hear you, I've felt that too. But imagine you saw a starving person on tbe street asking or even begging for food that they truly needed. I'm guessing you wouldn't judge that they should be embarrassed. Some of us were starved for love and not taught how to access it from God, how to connect within, or how to identify healthy partners so... We have sometimes wandered out into the street in that condition and blurted out our needs for love. It's ok. Most important, learning that we can find it for ourselves is crucial and feed ourselves into a loved/healed state. Maybe the ones who starved us of love and never taught us are the ones who should be embarrassed. (I prefer the forgiveness of self and others, but at least don't attack yourself.) Hugs
Damn. Where were you when I was still so deep in my unconscious trauma behaviors? I still benefit from these breakdowns now after years of therapy and inner work but I could’ve used this when I was in my 20’s. So grateful for the work you do.
She says to wait for people to invite back, to not always be the one making the plans. But what if no one ever reciprocates? Since I've moved to southern culture, people only hang out with those who have been friends of the family for generations.
Yes the south is very much like that. If you can look for ppl who are transplants who may not be so fraternized. But i know what you mean. Im alone and im from the south!😂
I disagree with the lady. I feel its important to followoneagut feelings and if the call is to reach out to a friend whom I'm thinking of do so. I did not reach out once and she died. I didn't know she was ill.
@@Natashahoneypot True. I believe we get a warning like that when someone we care for is about to die. Had that feeling for a long lost friend and tried to get in touch with but she had isolated herself and made it almost impossible so gave up too soon. She suicided later on. Her husband told me later, she had tried to get him to find me!
Yep. Learned once you get a few vague replies, or no replies, not a good friend (they are showing narcissistic tendencies in reality as healthy people communicate regardless if good or bad news/feelings & dont keep using excuses). No way do I put up w/no reciprocity anymore.
I went to a church yet again only to be labeled "too selfish" "ungrateful" "unfaithful" "need to put the past behind" oversharing like someone treading water in a hurricane trying not to drown. Love your videos. Praying I can finally feel again. Cry way too much and am way too disconnected. Nothing feels right. Just dead inside. Walking around numb as can be. Anyone who leaves I say bye and feel ever more numb.
I'm sorry you had to go through this. While I think there are things we can improve on, of course, and work on to make things better, your example is exactly why I feel like arguments made in videos like these are reductive. Our society is vicious with traumatized people, and I don't think oversharing (or not) is an excuse to treat people this way, especially in church. I hope you're holding up okay 💜
It's so embarrasing being like this. I've seen this video a bunch of times, but I can't seem to change this pattern. It's so painful pushing people away, that could have been right for me.
I'm 68, and I've done my share of therapy, but Anna's insights on CPTSD have cut right to the heart of the matter like nothing else. Anna, I'm surprised you don't have multiple degrees in therapy and counseling. Thank you!
I love these videos. They're really helpful. I've struggled with friendships throughout the entirety of my life. The majority of my friendships when I was younger where the friends with benefits, but those friendships always lasted until you got into a serious relationship and then went away. And then you'd have to restart after your other relationship ended. Every platonic relationship or friendship I've ever had has always been dependent on me reaching out.
I am actually thankful I met the person who drove me to seek out videos like these. The reactions I had to her antics, and the degree to which I was attracted to her, that got me to resume the journey of recovery that I thought I was done with. And it wasn't her responsibility, it was so much on me. I am the one who is so affected. I would be deeply mistaken if I did not hold myself accountable for so much of my pain. My reaction to her games, her breadcrumbing, her avoidant nature. She has her own issues, I'm not going to act like she's perfect, but I will absolutely not blame her nature for causing mine. All it did was reveal what is going on inside of me to myself. All of it was perfect as the trigger to see what was happening inside me. I wish her the best and hope she gets the help she needs. I need help too, and without her in my life. I will miss her and not punish myself for feeling that way, but I also know that a life with her would be far too much pain and stress to endure for too long despite how much she is what I'm looking for in so many ways. It is at this point a purely limerent and unrequited relationship I have with her, despite how she once in a while makes it seem like it's more. I am the one who falls for it every time, who takes things from 1 to 1000, who isn't easygoing, who is clingy and needy and afraid because of ultimately a dissatisfaction with myself. I will do what I can and forgive myself for my limitations, particularly those I can't do anything about. Thank you for your videos. You have been an amazing presence in my life the past few days.
I find people who r real n not so disossated with how their past, present etc refreshing, but the ones who can't cope with other people's sadness or pain, have quiet often never faced their own n r really not intouch with themselves or other's feelings or how 2 show empathy.
I don't mind listening and hearing what people are saying about their past I don't mind talking about mine I used to be able to not to talk about it at all but after realizing that I'm an adult I'm responsible for who I become now that it's not my fault that my mother abandoned me at birth and I had nobody to bond with but I don't have to live with that I'm a grown adult and I make my choices and how I react to people's comments have I live that's my choice now nobody can hurt my feelings unless I let them and it's not on them to deal with what happened to me as a child and I love sharing my story from beginning to present because I hope it gives someone strength and they can realize hey she relates she's done this she seems like she's doing all right maybe I can learn something and I learn things from people all the time I find it very interesting how people act so tough but can't even talk about a situation because oh it's not going to do any good well how do you know you don't talk about it just because a few assholes didn't respond the way you wanted it to you're talking to the wrong crowds and you have to learn how to accept not everybody's going to like you
Fawning is a tough one because I also struggle with being emotionally unavailable, so being able to be give my attention to someone in that way feels like im being emotionally available at first. I really have to pay attention to those boundaries.
Communication is a skill set that can be learned from a trained Therapist. Art is a form of communicating at a higher level, that is why it is so powerful. Our current society treats people like machines want, work, produce, consume repeat.
I was socially alone for years and years, then in 2011, I had this breaking free. I started to socialize with even the most socially confident and attractive people, and date a little as well. Soon, however, I was losing friends and contacts faster than I was making them, and for all these reasons. I'm reassessing now. I appreciate all this info.
Thanks for sharing this @Brain_Arbenz... it seems to me your experience putting yourself out there, plus your observation about an aspect of your approach that wasn't working = a new approach that could be the best yet. Happy for you!
I used to overshare alot as a teen. Because when you overshare not only does it turn people off but it says NOTHING about you.........if you wanna be mysterious you can start oversharing .....just be careful what you share. People can use it to hurt you.
My new book RE-REGULATED comes out in October, but if you pre-order it now, I'll give you instant, exclusive access to my newest course, INNER POWER (a $160 value). Get all the details and pre-order here: bit.ly/3XiLsj2
And if you'd like to join our Members' Book Club (where we read books about CPTSD together, and will definitely be reading RE-REGULATED as soon as it's out) become a Member here: bit.ly/CCF-Membership
Lol, raising a toast to all of us with CPTSD who don't know who to write down as an emergency contact. 🥂
:)
-Cara@TeamFairy
And how!
Omg I know EXACTLY what you mean and with the current state of healthcare cause I work in the toxic mess and I’m pushing 60 and not in good shape…. I hear ya and I’m scared sh!?less
Never Have!🤣🍻
lol. At all
Early oversharing doesn't just turn people off, it leaves you vulnerable to a person using the information to abuse you
true.
I think the focus shouldn’t be on shutting abused people up, but on limiting the behavior of abusers so they don’t take advantage of those who do.
so early oversharing is a sign ?
@@blackswan4486 yes, but respectfully we can only control ourselves and our own behavior- we can choose to focus on trying to change abusers who take advantage, a course of action that will probably have very limited success, or we can know this is someone people do and protect ourselves. I didn't read her advice at all as 'shutting abused people up'. On the contrary, I viewed it as teaching people how to take back and protect their power by realising that a shortcut of connection via oversharing usually doesn't end the way they want it to. She said 'if you are talking about that stuff as soon as you meet someone' it's too much, and confirmed that it's 'totally important to share those things with people close to us' in an 'established relationship'. But end of the day, every random person you encounter doesn't need to know your entire detailed history, and it's just not safe. I have encountered people who have told me brutal, personal, intimate things about themselves apropos of nothing the first time I ever met them- I failed to see how it helped them or me (it was often triggering for my own trauma, in fact), and if I had been someone with a purpose to harm/take advantage it could have ended very poorly for them.
So true a coworker actually billed me after I shared some abuse I endured as a child and how I have flash backs.
So it's more than 3 things that I heard:
1. Don't share any details of your painful past with people you've just getting to know. Wait until you've known them awhile and piece-meal that information out in small bits when appropriate.
2. Don't be the one who always initiates doing things with others. It should be equal back & forth for invitations.
3. Get too wrapped up in what others are thinking & feeling. (Stop trying to "read their mind".)
4. When you feel rejected and hurt, don't flip into people-pleaser role. (Don't take crap.)
5. Black & White thinking : It's all my fault or not my fault at all. Apologizing too much and/or putting yourself down too much. Not noticing when something is your fault (being defensive instead of listening to how people feel but this doesn't apply to gaslighters/abusive people.) When people give you feedback, listen and then say that you'll think about what they've said.
Hello PC
Personally I think it's just easier to try and figure out a way through life involving others as little as possible. Live by yourself, try and find a job or way to make money where others involvement is minimal. This doesn't mean be a hermit and don't go out and talk to people, just keep people out of things that involve your personal space.
Thx cos my battery is going flat!!,🙋
Most of my friends don’t initiate getting together and use the ‘I know you’re busy and hate to bother you.’ So they wait for me to suggest something. Honestly, I get busy doing my own thing and then they are ‘hurt’ because I haven’t reached out to them. For friends and family, I’ve always been the cruise director in our relationship. It gets old and tiring.
Cool definitely not me with ALL of these 😬
Oversharing provides manipulative people with all the information they need to gain control over your feelings. It’s actually very unsafe to overshare. I used to do that. Now I only confide in a safe therapist.
Wise words!
-Cara@TeamFairy
sigh .. I agree wholeheartedly But .. :( My last close friend passed away 5 years ago .. Since then .. I battle oversharing :'(
Or write it in a journal, and then re-visit and write back to that journal entry as your best friend would.
Be your own best friend. ❤
@FlyingMonkies325 american society is a shithole where everyone is afraid of each other, what do you expect
I never even knew how detrimental oversharing can be…Yeah, it’s great to have a therapist to avoid putting the mental garbage on random people or family members.
Something i read today: Two things you never have to chase, true friends and true love.
Yes, not chase. But sometimes we do have to work on ourselves quite a bit to be a person others would want in their lives!
Dino F. Yup, but being aware now. For me. I find recognizing narcs, seeing the red flags, like being a defensive driver, having to pass them or go around, to avoid the inevitable. I actually have a couple narcs trying to continually communicate w me. I've already set the boundaries. But u know they are (narcs), denial, and these couple people anyhow just persist. Even though they know I know. They act like nothing ever happened. Like it's ok to them to try and continue to waste my time. I just keep steppin. Steer around them. I'm saying it's work. No new narc types in my life are going to get in. But a couple that had their tantrums, discarded me. Are back. Trying to test me. But I'm not allowing the garbage in. My perspective.
You can persue these things but them develop on their own. It's the rushing and forcing things that push people away. Think of it like a pant, if you water it as much as it needs it will grow healthy, if you over water or under water it will die.
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy BE the person you wish to attract.
@@themysticmuse1111 NEVER worked for me ...... Yet I've tried, so going to listen to more of her info....
This lady DESERVES an AWARD! She is clear, blunt and nurturing. I'm thankful I found this channel. 🙏🏾
So glad you're here! -Calista@TeamFairy
I agree! The best of the best!
Same!
This has helped me more than years of therapy. Conventional therapists don't get it.
Me too. Because I have no one else to help me. Talk therapy doesn’t work for me either.
Where were you when I was 20? At 64, I am finally learning these things, after a lifetime of pain and loneliness. Well, better late than never I guess! Thanks for these videos. They are very helpful and compassionate.
LOL, I was 13 -- would not have been very helpful to you then! Glad you're here now!
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy 😃
I'm so sad right now..I'm 52 and alone..I never realized what I was doing to push everyone away..I lost someone I dearly loved about a year ago and I will never be able to have that close relationship again. IT took me my whole life to find him my best friend the love of my life and I pushed him away too..
@@candydeaver4818 Candy I'm so sorry you've had to deal with this. I do totally understand believe me. God bless you! 🙏🕊️💛🕯️
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy LOL
This is for everyone who tries. Who tries to learn, tries to grow, tries to respond kindly and wisely, tries to recognize their own issues instead of blaming everyone else. This is for everyone who tries to be their best even when they’re not feeling their best. I see you. I appreciate you. And I hope you know you make the world a better place, just by being you.
🦋🌱🌟
Thank you!
This is an excellent place to find myself!
Thank you
🙏💐
I appreciate your comment! 🌷
You are loved
There was a time when I practically introduced myself as an abused, unloved mess. “Hi, I’m a mess, now let’s be friends.” It was my whole identity. Wow, this is very helpful. We can be so blind to our crappy behaviors.
I know what you mean!
How is it crappy to be honest about your past? You’re not hurting anybody else.
@@blackswan4486 listen to the video.
@@charlottewhite1277 I’m already familiar with these theories. I don’t agree with them
Not crappy. That is your abuse still talking. We do these things as coping mechanisms in order to get our needs met.
You wanted to feel connection. That's it. We do this in maladaptive ways when we don't know better...when we do, we can try better and different things.
Your comment just shows how we can be still so unaware of how we talk to ourselves.
How can you be a empathetic friend to others when you are so callus to yourself and your past coping mechanisms?
Love yourself, set bounderies, don' t put other people's disfunctions above your health and hapyness.
This. 💗👏
Best advice E.V.E.R.
Also learn to spell happiness
Bea vizcara, if this is the only flaw you find to what i write or do...thank you!
Facts
My last boyfriend was a person who wanted to know everything about my trauma since day 1, and he embraced all my trauma since day 1. He also presented himself as a hero, a loving dad, a saviour who was ready to kill my loneliness. I cried of happiness (now I think I was limerent at the moment). I cried because I felt that was so good to be true... Well, it literally was TOO good to be true. The true was he slowly became a narcissist who finally discarded me and made me feel more abandoned than I ever felt before. I share this story because I think that limerent people needs to know that is NOT a good signal that someone embrace your trauma since day 1. Even if we feel abandoned or not attended enough, it's healthy and a good thing that someone don't care about your trauma the day you meet for the first time. It means that person has no interest in playing a part in your traumatic storyline.
Thanks for that insight, good points.
-Cara@TeamFairy
TY! Amazingly astute observation about relationship. Now, I want to permanently imbed that knowledge into my subconscious and conscious, available for immediate and automatic reference when meeting a new friend. Maybe add it to a checklist, a cheatsheet, of tips to review... maybe keep a written copy up over the visor so i can review it before I get out of my vehicle and head for any interaction with other people. 😉👍🌟
Do we have the same ex? I think we do! 😆 was his name Kenny? 😆
My first husband was like this. He wanted to know everything. At first it was fantastic until he turned all this info against me. Since then I have been very guarded about personal info.
This sounds like histrionic personality disorder. Like what Amber Heard is. They lavish you with attention and service and position themselves as the savior to all your problems. Then they slowly turn on you and use all your info against you.
1:31 - Loneliness gets leaky
4:40 - Overly other-focused
7:08 - Not clear when it's just you
:)
Thank you I was looking for this. A recap at the end of the video would have made it clearer in my mind. They all relate to clearer boundaries between me and not me.
Thank you! 🎄
MY Notes:
1. Do not get real with people from the start about your trauma or your relationship with them is busted, most likely you will be a victim. Stay confident, earn each other's trust, build the relationship and only dose out this information along a huge timespan. Do not let it out at once to someone you barely know.
2. Do not be a people pleaser, over apologizer, you might love bomb people without them knowing and it feels yucky, phony and off putting for the other person. Instead take a more detached approach, not so overly focused on one person, keep your autonomy and keep your options open to multiple people. If someone does not respond to your love and kindness and attempts at bridging the relationship, try meeting more people, do not beg for love, do not chase, do not cling. It has to be a 2 way street.
3. Acknowledge you are neither a victim, nor an abuser. Give up black and white thinking and realize you are human, you make mistakes, but you are not at fault for everything and makimg mistakes is totally normal. Do not swing between: "others are the problem, not me" to "i am always the problem". Instead take a grey, neutral approach.
Thank you! 🙏 ❤
That's good advice. We g9tta have the same boundries as other people. Self preservation is important, and we should respect ourselves in abSOULution. And expect nothing from anyone, and dont let their expectations exceed what is mutually beneficial.
When people are rude, harsh, critical, or argumentative, recognize it’s not really about you and resist the urge to react emotionally. Don’t allow their behavior to dictate your mood or steal your peace
Standing up for yourself doesn’t make you argumentative. Sharing your feelings doesn’t make you oversensitive. And saying no doesn’t make you uncaring or selfish. If someone won’t respect your feelings, needs, and boundaries, the problem isn’t you; it’s them
Amen
Another awesome comment, Amy, please keep sharing...we need your Wisdom and your Love...
@@louisetaylor6952 awww thank you ❤️
Unless you saying no to respecting others boundaries or arguing against their need for space..
Speaking nothing but facts💯
I've listened to thousands of videos, lectures from psychologists and even books on childhood trauma but no one and I mean no one as of yet has ever put how I feel and think at times so clear like this lady....ur a true fairy. Thank you.
Appreciate your support of the channel, thank you so much :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
I personally love that she encourages people to look at themselves too, not just everyone else. Makes a big difference when we're able to be objective. ❤
I've been so used to being on my own for so long I'm used to it and enjoy the silence. One thing I've learned is people are snakes with two faces
Ik.ik..
Me too
I just gave up on relationships, it's EASIER
Me too happy and safe
What Peter says of Paul says more about Peter.
Careful how you shut others out there Ciaran.
@@johntuohy8007 I get your point but am happy this way at least if anything goes wrong it's only you to blame. I'm straight to the point so either you like me or hate me
Self reliance is the only sure thing you have. Lived 60 years and learned that hard lesson.
When I was a teenager and first left home, for years I would start telling the trauma stories as soon as I met people and everyone would run a mile and I could never understand why. 20 years later, it all makes sense, lol.
Aw, that poor teenage kid (you, then), just trying to say what was happening. But here you are! Glad you made it.
I always thought it was a test. If they know right away what’s wrong with me, it will save us all a lot of time (because, of course, I feel they will leave as soon as they find out about it all).
I think that is very wrong for people to behave/react that way. Morally wrong.
Anonymous Informer Is it morally wrong not to jump into the water to save a human being when you can't swim yourself or are not a rescue swimmer?
As much as I wish we all would live up to more moral/ethical standards I often observe how morality gets in the way of kindness and compassion. That doesn't serve the moral purpose and it doesn't support those in need.
Over sharing too soon was my mistake, however, I’m also noticing the double standards by would be friends and I’m so glad I escaped them. Recently I made a play date with a mom and her kids with my two and did a little over sharing but realized she also made some “new friendship mistakes herself” (she later ignored my texts) She was a gossip and before I had a chance to say anything other than Hi, she proceeded to explain how she didn’t like so and so and overshared why and how her bakery shop cupcakes were also gross so let’s go somewhere else, she even apologized at the end of our play date for her children’s “behavior” saying her kids didn’t talk enough. I had to disagree. They were lovely and didn’t do anything wrong. I was willing to give her the benefit of the doubt and not judge her for her character flaws and blaming her own kids for doing nothing wrong. My instincts tell me she didn’t like that I overshared but by the other side of the coin I was willing to overlook hers and looking back I’m glad I dodged the hypocrite.
Omg I am cringinggggggg at myself. I have done all of this. Also, this woman is absolutely brilliant.
Sameeeeee!!!!!!!
Raising hand. Same too. Now I must work on shame and regret I’m now feeling. Makes me want to withdraw.
@@sagaciouslysage9454 That is the devil after you.
@@saran.4001 a”devil” being after me is not in my personal belief system. I find such a thought to be terribly unhealthy and spooky. Perhaps you didn’t mean that comment literally.
Wait....get out of my head!!!!!! 🤯 😭
Sometimes it’s better to keep things to yourself.
What about Mike Lindell who was an addict then became successful? Isn't that a great way to give up to those on the bottom? That they can do it.
@@Sarah-bn1hg Not sharing at work is great!
I keep to myself now and dont share because I've done that in the past to have it used against me. So it makes me not trust. And I'd rather do that then fear it being used against me again.
Some things can't be unheard or unspoken. True, that. And without a healthy relationship to allow for the vulnerabilities , and to support them and the other person, it can crash right in on itself before it has a chance to get started.
Ppl.who push you away is because of reasons they only knew about. Which also enables them to create false, and harmful lifelong pain.the isolation comes from the same source. The abuse came from
Our system of preference, wealth, and high society.
I know who I am, and now know why. Realization of a double standard, and cold hearts, cruelty, isn't something you can just put a bandaid on. Extremism vs. innocence.
Psychology is used to disguise the damage done to others.
A very useful tool on children, as seen today. Fact.
Do not presume rumors are true. Only the abilities and resourcefulness by the competition.
i was never good with small talk. it's hard to not trauma dump but i've been being more conscious of it lately. my mantra now is "the less you say, the better". i was always a quiet kid, and listening was a skill that always served me. people used to bully me for being "too quiet" but i'm trying to get back to that, just listening. less talking. i'd rather be "too quiet" than freak people out.. feels like every time i open my mouth i embarrass myself.
Ditto, completely! I really don't know the best way to talk with people and always wonder later if I said the wrong thing. I rarely talked as a child, hardly see humans now and trying to mostly just listen.
Thats true!❤
I am not able to take criticism from others. It destroys me. I have been abused and mobbed too much in my early days. Years of therapy couldn`t change the fact that I feel safe only when I am alone and don't have to cope with other people. I can function at work because I can play the role of the nice, easy-going working colleague who doesn't go on other peoples' nerves. But that is straining and as soon as I get home, I shut the door behind me and feel my inner peace.
Try out the Daily Practice bit.ly/3608opl, it may help :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
You sound like you've found a way of coping for a while anyway, wouldn't it be worth finding a professional to process your traumas with? It might prevent problems arising in the future.
I feel this too. Like i have to put on mask i mean of experience even people who cared abt you don't really care that much it drains them or i just never met people with same level empathy who can listen because i can listen while they're not.
I must say - I am getting YEARS of therapy gains from your videos, Fairy. I mean - WOW! I love how you break down these basic skills that most of us with CPTSD missed because of our trauma - and you do it with kindness and truth and realness. THANK YOU!!!
There is another side of over-sharing that has to do with fear of getting too deep into a relationship and then having the other person find out something really heavy about you that they can't handle, resulting in them leaving or withdrawing. It's not so much begging for something as protecting your feelings down the road in case something like that were to happen. When I have done this, I didn't want anything from the person other than for them to listen and accept me. Personally I never shared my trauma with people when I was younger, but in recent years I've found it therapeutic to verbalize those things and see how people react. When someone else shares their trauma with me, yes it can be uncomfortable, but I also respect their honesty and relate with their pain. The fact is, everyone has some form of trauma, so if we can get those things out in the open we don't have to fear them anymore.
I told no one of the abuse when it was happening. Had good friends I thought then. Now I'm just "too intense" though I also have fun and am very giving. Most people prefer superficiality it seems. Non humans are my companions now.
Best comment.
I agree. You want to make sure they are going to support you before you get too close. And this is what counselors and such claim to want us to do, and yet, when we do it (that is, test the waters before we dive in), that’s wrong also. Everything we do is wrong, just like it is with our abusers… HMMMMMM…
"Leaking loneliness" The conversation piece is huge for me. I try so hard to find things to share that won't touch a trauma area of my story or sad emotions that's just all that there really is and this is why I rarely put myself in this position anymore. It never works for me.
Dawn Philips, you must be a precious being, always be happy ok
I just left a comment about how my entire existence is surrounded in trauma. Literally from the first time I meet somebody it’s trauma. Why did you move here? Who do you live with? What do you do for work? All of it is rooted in trauma and there’s no way I can avoid it unless I just completely lie and it makes me initially appear to be a sketchy person.
yeah, when i get going my daughter has to put me on the gag rule.
I've never heard someone directly describe these behaviors -- period! I am smiling and nodding my head because I realize why I caused myself so much pain, blaming others for "doing something to me." Maybe they were rude or unkind --- but my reaction was what made me so unhappy and obsessed.
It is just very difficult to not to overwhelm others when you are in need of serious help, because you lack old time friends, and you are in a threatening situation. It is also very difficult not to be angry. But you are absolutely right, and these are things we need to understand.
Just don't expect normal people to understand, because the cannot and do not want to understand. They couldn't care less about you. If you are autistic, they can and will abuse you and mock you behind your back.
I've just come to the conclusion recently while watching all these videos about narcissism, I was one of the people also pointing my fingers outward. Studying learning all about the narc. But the narc ain't the problem. The fight begins within. I get it. I'm learning to Own it. And wanna shout it to the world. There is hope for me anyhow. I see the change. I am the change. Set boundaries, being aware of my emotions. RESPONDING. Amen. Thank you.
Great share, I to was lead to her teaching because of an old working relationship that I walked away from where the other had very clear emotional issues that were narcissistic... for some reason its yet to be cleared from my system so I am still tryin g to process it. For me as a person with a form of cptsd, I found certain relational issues have pattern, its usally the person struggling with their own narrsistic tendencies that usally ends up slowly hating me. Dialing in the whys, I think it's because of cptsd but more so my intolerance to N. behaviors... like hell no, I sleep good at night because I own my truth and calmly let be know which some people just can't handle because of their privilege and superiority tendencies. It's interesting how this can be an unconscious transaction. This video is great, with no prior long term counseling its refreshing to nail down obscure things or blind spots that happen but you can't consciously articulate them. Never give up friends! Feeling different is possible ✊🏼
I instinctively wanted to to argue with you while simultaneously agreeing so I think we are on the same page 😂🙃
@@frowniebrown86 I know what I need to do. Been procrastinating tho. Just holdin myself accountable out loud. My narc is so far off into denial of reality. Or absolutely thinks I'm really just unconscious. Blows my mind how See through. Been tryin to hug me lately. Even cooked for me. I have few bucks in my pocket. Thats all. She wants it. I guess my no contact/ Breadcrumbing her w intentions on getting away as soon as I can. I'm Responding. She's clueless to the damge she's done. I'm in the foggy zone picken up my self. Hah. Ps. I'm overcoming it. I'll be whole. Not there yet. But I see it comin.
@@405OKCShiningOn Ramani is a blast to listen to, she's like a mechanic who can take a motor apart and put it back to together, fast. In essence there is a method to the matrix with regard to the isness of mental health... heck Amazon can now predict when woman will be pregnant before woman do themselves... "how" we ask, people like the people listed tune the AI to read it.
Congratulations, sweetheart!
i only really feel lonely when I am around people. And I feel distracted and like I should be somewhere else. Its a funny thing...
Totally get it.
I agree and feel the same way
Maybe you looking for your tribe? They're not your clique.
@@Yellow-Rose Actually what I have learned over decades is that humans group together in networks for either quality of life issues (ie: help) or for survival (need). I grew up as a military brat. Every 3 years any bonds with people were broken. You belong to a community in the looses definition of that term. You stop at a certain age ...investing in people. You don't take things personally and the separations after a while stop hurting. You even become this way with family. Communities are like "net-works." Like a web, where everybody has a station and if you are a wave-maker or plan to do something different it puts stress on the web of people who are dependent or interdependent. Very independent people usually don't get on with those systems because the constraints of belonging... limit what we want to do. The particular type of liberty or freedom that we want/need scares people who like security, stability and predictability. Typically when we are "found out" we are soon expelled or we run away. Don't miss understand. I like people ( but I fear them). I have a heart of service- but I am objective and goal oriented. I am not selfish. I have just discovered that you can either have people or you can have freedom. You can't have both at the same time. I personally prefer freedom and lucky me that I can actually have it and pay what ever it cost. I don't need/want favors that need to be paid back. I can pay for the services that I need. The thing that makes me feel a little lonely is that it is not something I have found that others value. It is extremely unusual for a woman to be this radical. I am totally UN-tribal.when I was a kid, my family thought that It was odd that I was uncomfortable with the idea of dating. my other siblings did date...I always thought that it was stupid to be living at somebody else expectation, by declaration. I always thought that it was stupid to give away your freedom as a young person. I always wondered why do that?
@@lynnehood2198 By tribe I guess I meant people who share common interests. Thank you so much for such a wonderful response. "You can either have people or have freedom"- very interesting! It may sound dramatic that I want to move away from the small town community that I was raised in bc everyone expects me to assimilate and become another clone. Obey or be publicly stoned. I don't want to live my life from a template. Friends, it's hard to make close friends that I can confide in/trust. Seems certain people only want certain things from me, and if I don't give it to them, they drop me. It's parasitic. I've learned how to better protect my heart. Don't share too much personal info with people who will use "dirt" against you, even though you just wanted to help them by commiserating and sharing your own personal experiences. It will be used against you. You may detect a little bitterness but it's for good reason. I'm still recovering from a horrible smear campaign which almost led to a nervous breakdown. May I ask what you do for a living, or if you have a blog or something?
Most relationships are a lot more trouble than their worth.
Humans are inherently social. So it's part of the gig.
@@camilledvorak7151 you have a point but so does he there's just some people you can't have in your life because of the drama that they bring and they bring their negative energy to you and they're stressed to you and sometimes you just have to let them go.
@@bellie8009 absolutely
That’s why dogs exist.
@@tactstreams1917 your funny...but right 😊
I'm guilty of all of these. What further complicates my situation is I'm on the autism spectrum, which means I've been masking my entire life to try and fit into society. I learned early on that my natural way of being drove people away, so I watched others and how they interacted with each other and mimicked that. I got so good at it that nobody who knows me believes I'm on the spectrum. But that caused me to fall into many of these traps you're explaining, like people pleasing, being overly concerned with other people, copying their ways, joining into their interests, etc. It's overwhelming to people and has the opposite effect of what I need. I'm 57 years old and still trying to figure it all out.
@Heesun It always helps to know there's someone else out there who gets it. At least we know we're not alone. I recommend a channel by Olivia Hops. It has helped me a lot.
I relate to your story so much
Exactly my case, to be perfectly honest by keeping to myself I do not get hurt or needy until someone pressured me to get closer the reality is that what I need is only a little bit of friendship but to get that bit ones has to practice the above, .... I learned on the hard way that people do not expect us or me to tell them all about my life I felt if I would not speak about my life there would not be connection which was a dreadful mistake things are complicated, when I tend to be a bit aloof and I do make effort to make friends it seems it works better than when I make an effort. I think people tend to feel attracted to those who are out of reach or takes a bit of work ... I remember at school as soon the class was over I just run to catch the bus, never attended any extra social events with my classmates never invited anyone to my house, i liked to seat at the top of the class observing all, I would speak little lough a lot and that was it.... the amount of the girls who wanted to be my friends was extraordinaire to be honest some would chase me ... now that I try to have connections it does not work .... so I will go back to my old self and that would apply with family too even with my mother. I call her quite often, recently discovered that she does not have my phone number she never asked me she never called me for 10 I think she has said it all time to move on.... if we try to change without professional guidance we will make horrendous mistakes I hope my comment makes some sense I struggle putting my words and meanings together.
@@madeleine2307 I can relate to so much of what you're saying. Just know you're not alone, sometimes just knowing that helps a little.
@@JaneSmith0709 Thank you Jane, it helps a lot , not alone thanks to you xx
I love time alone never feel lonely, stopped rowing the boat along time ago , be who you are stop worrying what others think
Surely childhood PTSD must manifest in different ways and this is only one of them. I have found that I open up to no one due to the overwhelming fear of being rejected. I'm always the listener, never the talker.
Yes! This is also a manifestation of CPTSD for sure, very true for me as well
-Cara@TeamFairy
I honestly am really closed off because part of my trauma is emotional. I wasn’t allowed to talk about my feelings or I got “punished” (aka abused), so now I’m an adult who has issues opening up 😬.
Yeah, that's common for us. Healing is possible.
Yes and then it also effects interactions within the work place.
Yep! I don't open up to anyone, not even my husband.
I had that experience growing up, on top of being bullied by other kids. I was punched in the face twice between the ages of 6th grade and 9th grade for doing NOTHING. Second time (example) was in the school gym between classes or lunch (I forget why/how, the gym was full of kids) and some girl threw gum in my hair (I never met hee in my life) . I said who did that, someone pointed who did it so I told the teacher. She got so enraged I told on her she ran down after me, right in front the teacher... punched me in the damn face. I have had nothing but police and courts treat me like SHIT from hell, and I have never been arrested (was threatened to be, twice tho for things I didn't do) i have had my xo workers (jealous) and siblings ans parents talk crap about me behind my back... My point is I suffered a LOT of trauma. It took until my late 30s/ early 40s (my videos/pics r NOT filtered, yea I look younger) to be comfortable speaking my mind and speaking UP for myself, and it took until this scamdenic to REALLY gain confidence not being afraid to speak truth, and do what I need to do, after discovering hoe utterly brainwashed and stupid most of mankind really is, (seeing all the masks and how (almost) everyone fell for the LIES) , so I now totally speak my mind and am not afraid to speak, OR make new friends. Now its easier than ever to date (for those who are single)or make friends.. If they wear a mask ..NEXT! LOL
@@ms.anonymousinformer242 I am sorry to hear all that happened to you. I also dealt with alot of trauma both in school and at home with narc parents. I also kept to myself alot but then tend to overshare too much of my story to others I just met. With this scam-demic, I've learned to no longer give any fucks. There is a group of old "friends" from school I used to go to, and yesrs ago they stood me up at a birthday party I had, then now years later tried contacting me after they saw my missing persons report filed by my toxic parents. They also wouldn't engage with me or text me on socials but would view my story. I got in contact with one of them, then haven't heard from the rest in a few months. I always would be the one to reach out instead of them having my contact info and taking the time to shoot me a text hey how are you. I've had people who tried reaching out, saying they miss me but then stop talking once they find out I don't want to go back to CA and visit them. So recently I sent this group of old school "friends" a song I haven't listened to in 4 years, but the lyrics eerily sum up my life within the past year along with a middle finger emoji. After not reaching out for a few months after seeing my text they replied immediately... one of them even called me. I am sick and tired of those who don't want to put in the effort to give a fuck about me, with all the fakeness. I've had enough.
Loneliness makes us appear needy. We dominate the conversation with our stories. But for friendship to blossom there has to be give and take, reciprocity. In a new friendship, if you start telling your trauma stories, this may not be appopriate. It may all come out too intense.
needed this 10 years ago but glad i am here today to hear it
Yep, I needed this 30 years ago... but Glad I found it today.❤️
Yes! 20 yrs ago 💜✨
Same, at least 30.
for me, I believe I was desperately looking for someone to save me from my awful family environment. I wanted to matter to someone. once I began to educate myself about npd abuse, I was able to begin healing. its been a long road. 🙂
Me too
I’m kind of the opposite. I tend to be evasive when people try to get to know me, because family is so fundamental to people’s lives and identity, and most people want to hear happy stories and connect with people they can relate to. I don’t have happy stories to tell, and it’s not that I come from a dysfunctional family (except maybe the first six years of my life), because more than that, I basically didn’t grow up in a family, period, and I have no family members in my life except my husband. I last saw my mother when I was six, and I’ve never met my father, 3 out of 4 grandparents, any of my siblings, aunts or uncles except one, or any first cousins. I didn’t even know who half of my family was until about 3 years ago, and evidently I’m the deep, dark secret that my father wants to pretend never happened. People don’t even know how to process that or what to do with that, and it requires too much effort for most people. In my younger, more naive days, I used to think my family story shouldn’t matter as much as what I’ve been able to do with my life in spite of my lack of family, but life experience has disabused me of that notion. For most people, it does matter. It is what it is.
Indifference and cowardice should not be rewarded in any way. Unfortunately, this world is full of people like that. Fact-Those who want to be in your life will make the effort... There is also alot of caring people out there..I've met a few. Trust your instinct, always..
I grew up not being encouraged or helped to make personal choices. I did what I was told.
The "criticism" from others can be the continuation of the abuse that caused the CPTSD in the first place if it concerns particular people/relatives and their enabler-friends (who also have "skeletons in the cupboard" to hide). This mistreatment which was a cause of the Cptsd in the first place can continue into adulthood by the same people if they are not stopped (& even disengaged with). It's much harder with family members who you might be emotionally embroiled with & who are problematic & have hidden their behaviours from others all their lives, they have a lot invested in keeping the abuse going & silencing the sufferer, thus continuing the cptsd.
3:20
"The people who can handle it are the very people who are not good for us to be around."
😒🤔🤦🏻♂️
Best piece of advice all week. Even years after learning this, it still can be difficult to keep this from being a problem.
After surviving a house fire, it's normal to look around at the people and want to talk.
Some are "fascinated" by fires. Some are just bored and in the neighborhood. Some got burned and need help. Some like the destruction. Some are arsonists and pyromaniacs. One may have tossed the match, and wants a good show.
Not everyone is a firefighter just because we need them to be.
Stay strong.
Well said!!!!
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy -
Thanks! Your channel makes a big difference for lots of people.
Happy Thanksgiving.
👍😁🍗♥️🍗🍰😎
Lol I've learnt when a person I've just met asks me "how I ended up in a wheelchair" to just nope the heck away from them lol I call them drama junkies lol
Great comment...Deep. Thank you.
Those ppl Didnt experience the fire the way you did. When something changes your perspective..I think it's normal to voice that. Choose people who do seem to get the point..That life can change in an instant. I know it myself. I bet the ones who havent had a Big event/ circumstance like that...will. Then They will be wanting to Talk about it. Maybe it will be you who Gets it. You may be the only one..a Chance to show grace to the Ones in Peril.
Reciprocal relationships is something I really struggle with. I had to learn not to trauma dump on people as a form of conversation. So many times I got embarrassed when I realized I was like a cold bucket of water on the atmosphere because I was monopolizing the conversation with everything that was stressing me out.
Also, I grew up with a dad who, I believe, likely has CPTSD himself and a brother who has a lot of narcissistic tendencies. They both were takers, so now, when someone doesn't reciprocate, I go into a spiral of doubt as to whether they even like me at all. Or, if I have been the one giving more a couple times in a row, I worry that they are takers too and I'm just being naive about them.
It is comforting to know that I'm not crazy and that this is a common issue, not just me being weird.
Hi. I'm a 67 lady. Have had years of trauma. My father disappeared when I was a child. My mother became a alcoholic when I was about 8. Now because I've had problems with people I trusted etc. I have isolated myself. I no longer go to public events. Or anywhere where I might see the people who have hurt me. I think about taking my own life every day as I feel so tired. I live on my own now. I am a artist so try to keep busy with my crafts.
I hope things get better for you.
Do you have a website to show your art? If not, go to a seniors internet group with free tuition. When you show your art, it would extra others people including artists to develop. friendships/communications with. Volunteer at a local school reading to children, or walking a neighbors dog. You would be forming small bonds with those children or animals that would show your value is needed by others. And yet wouldn't out as much pressure on your or expectations that adults would..besides children and a animals are SO trustworthy.
And...Janice, Merry Christmas from New Zealand.
Janice, it's time to be your own best friend and parent! Make your last years comfortable, happy and fulfilling for you in your day to day life, even if it's a small life. Might as well enjoy the rest of your "visit" eh? Maybe do some writing about some nice things you could do with the time you have left. I hope you have a good day today :)
My wife received CPTSD diagnosis in Jan. I remain supportive, lift her up, try to be there for her. She responds with aggression and hateful responses. Contact, I love yous, even wearing wedding band has all stopped. Im at a loss whats next, what, if anything can I do? She has completely checked out. I can't talk to or reason with her. Communication has ceased completely for last 2 weeks. Its put me to new lows emotionally and I dont know what I can do to support and help her. I miss the wife and family we used to have before this.
I was so hoping that #3 was on this list. I just ended a "promising" friendship with a woman who, after I articulated my need to set some boundaries around my time, started doing hurtful passive-aggressive things. Twice I asked that we talk about what was going on; neither time did she accept my invitation. Finally, not feeling good about how I'd ghosted her, I wrote her. She wrote be back. She took no responsibility whatsoever for the breakdown of the relationship. None. Zero. Nada. The tone of her response was "you did this to me and it hurt sooooo much." That is, she was a victim; I was the villain. I knew then there was no hope of reconciliation. Now I know although I may have ended it in the wrong way, it was the right thing to do. We can't fix what we can't face, says James Baldwin.
Thanks for sharing your experience, sound really difficult
-Cara@TeamFairy
This happened to me too, and it hurts. But with time you realize you're better off.
This happens with me with my own mother she calls me more than once a day and talks gor more than an hour 🙄 when I finally let her know I have things to do and don't want to talk to her on Saturday she acts like I'm being mean to her and tries to make me feel guilty..then other people tell me I'm lucky to have a mother to talk to how they would give anything to talk to their mother again..I just wonder if their mother's were as negative as mine is and has squashed their ideas anytime they wanted to get out in the world and do things and go places 🤔
Had a friendship like this too. It took me a lot longer to start setting those boundaries.
@@candydeaver4818 your mother sounds like she's got problems she hasn't faced. Is she on her own? Maybe encourage her to see a family therapist with you ?
I've never heard fawning used like this before, but it makes so much sense. Once you said it, I realized I was confusing fawning with what I thought was love, and believing I was there for the other person, when really I wasn't. Or trying to pacify them by fawning in certain situations. Feels like a weight has been lifted again, thank you :)
I've been on the receiving end of fawning and it is suffocating. I just need my space. I hate it when these people are watching me all the time and sometimes I am unaware of it as I don't have eyes in the back of my head and prefer to be focused on speaker in a talk or teacher in a class not everyone else apart from maybe my neighbour.
Fawning includes wanting to help someone with something and refuses to take 'no' for answer. That isn't love. It's cruelty especially when the fawner messes up the assistance with a task. I knew somebody like that and gave in only to have to snatch my bicycle back because he was pushing it along in the gutter over broken glass or dragging my bag along the floor or ground by the shoulder straps when he could have held it by the shorter hand strap or carried it on his shoulders. It was a head game he liked to play because it riled people up whether they gave in to him or not.
"No matter where you go, there you are."
An elder in a church told me that...when I was planning to 'move' ....to another state...She was right, but ME is 'all' I know........
That's true but it can be limiting. I've now moved away from a town which I didn't like, where I felt unsafe and out of place, to another more tranquil area which I feel much more suited to.
@@chrisamies2141 Happy for you Chris... Will take your example...and follow my 'heart' as well as intuition....This site IS AWESOME !
I, also encountered someone who never believed apologizing even when they’re wrong.
Seems we all know one of those
This is possibly the most potent video of yours I've listened to yet, and thank you so much. I've done this so much: poured my heart out to people I'd just met, to have them disappear in shock, or respond by "love-bombing" me and then disappearing when they'd had their fill. Revealing myself slowly, becoming vulnerable to another who EARNS the right to my vulnerability one minute at a time, one hour at a time, is a skill I'm working on and just cherish. Thank you for bringing this up.
I’m late to the party- but the “other focused” rang so true and it hit me hard when you said that it was a product of gauging my own safety in unsafe circumstances. Wow. Lightbulb moment.
I'm so glad it helped!
-Cara@TeamFairy
I've been working on myself for years, yet recently found myself ghosted once again. I own my deficits, but dealing with other humans is so layered and complex. It makes me wonder if at 50 I should just forget about trying to find my person. My 19 year old cat is the only soul that's ever truly loved me. 💛😽💛
Glad you are here, dealing with humans is difficult and we all understand the temptation to give up, but here is another option which helped so many of us!
courses.crappychildhoodfairy.com/courses/daily-practice this link will take you to a free course to learn the Daily Practice, something that Anna refers to often. Once at the course, leave your email so that you can be notified of other events such as free zoom calls where you meet Anna & receive additional support.
-Cara@TeamFairy
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy Thank you! 🤗
I gave up on that idea for my self. Like you, I feel my cats are the only ones I know truly loved me.
This one resignated big time thank you for this in addition explain why I never had friends. I’m intrusive, over sharing and odd. Suffering from CPTSD is a lot however, I will still flourish!
I feel icky when I talk to regular people complaining about stupid things like how its raining outside or fake conversation about nothing. Idk.
Substantive people are there -- takes a little work to find them sometimes.
Yep but its the grease that makes the small conversations move by easily without pain for all...and sometimes might lead to someone saying ohh I like that its snowing because I love to ski! Leading someone else in say the lunchroom to say hey I love skiing too. 2 people may now have a work friendship bloom out of polite conversation. As a cpTsder I find it more uncomfortable sitting in a lunchroom where everyone looks at their phone and no one speaks day after day. I get anxious waiting for someone to blow up out of the silence. Just a different point of view.
Especially jabbering about their trip to Disney World. It’s not jealousy either. I wouldn’t go near the place.
@@cjlive5182 Yep me either.
Same here....it's mindless drivel & empty. I like talking about ideas & productive activities. Most people I meet are uncreative. They don't read. They don't have hobbies. They want to talk about things like tv shows. I find most people very "flat" and feel like I'm wasting my time trying to forge a friendship with them.
I agree with this 100 percent. This is so helpful, and I am working on getting rid of the "victim" mentality as I am no longer a child and I have a choice of what happens next.
I need industrial strength therapy. I need to understand what I'm doing. Looking for clues.
I have a difficult time connecting with people. Doesn’t help much when you have the facial expressions and no outward emotions of a serial killer, with the inability to make “normal” eye contact, and trip over the simplest sentences in a conversation. People immediately get the impression I’m not genuine, cold, snobby, etc.
Me too
I was in a bad relationship and I thought she was the problem. It wasn’t until after the relationship ended I started realizing that every time she would do something vastly inappropriate, I would respond with a gut reaction of “No! I’m fine! I’m not uncomfortable! It’s totally ok!” It’s totally not ok, and if it were anyone else asking me for advice in that situation, I would tell them to never put up with that kind of behavior. This video was a good eye-opener in a very uncomfortable way
I really connected with and started tearing up over the idea of an emotional front porch, and deciding what to let in when someone gives you criticism.
I think when you are told negative things about your self or even over the top positive things since you are a child it leaves you with a lack of sense of self, and leaky boundaries. Especially when it’s the adults around you and you trust them whole heartedly to tell you who you are.
It’s crazy how it takes years and years to sort out the trauma to get to the heart of who you actually are.
Well said. Thanks for your comment! Julie@TeamFairy
Love this! This is the perfect next step for people who are healing from CPTSD. The beginning stages require us to recognize the wrongs that have been done to us, then we establish proper boundaries, and now we can recognize the wrongs that WE have committed and address them. So we can rebuild healthy relationships.
I definitely struggle with fawning and it has recently caused me to collapse from burnout
I just lost a really nice man because of No connection I was fawning and he knew it. I just was boring I talked little about myself. Im usually a chatty Kathy but with him I don't know I was not very funny, charming , flirtatious just really quiet. He alluded to a girl (JUST) friend he kept saying ;yet he brought her up alot maybe it was self protection on my part??????? I'm pretty intuitive.
@@lawsonbrinton682 Hello Paul
I've almost ruined my relationship with this too 😭
I'm only about 3 minutes into the video and I can tell you that I have spilled my guts, at times that I have no clue why. Oh, the looks on the poor peoples' faces. Like a deer in headlights!
Those are dummies who need to grow up and deal with life better.
I hear you, same with me.
You are not alone, me too.
It's okay to be yourself
I can tell you that for me, it's because I went sooooo long swallowing my feelings and pretending things were fine when they weren't. I find it almost impossible now to do that. It feels disingenuous. My coping strategy is to try to turn the conversation back to the other person when I like I'm going to unload too much onto someone new, but it doesn't work very well. Once those floodgates are open there's no stopping me. I have seen that look on their faces too - when you know you'd made someone uncomfortable but you just can't stop. Ugh. I usually withdraw for days after that.
I've only recently learned to rally share stuff with people and it has let to a deepening of my conversations by about 200%. Even with just acquaintances. It comes from a place of compassion and interest though, not from expecting the other one to be the fix.
I think it's worth it. Our world is so superficial. We are all hurting. We are all longing for a deeper connection.
Not the same thing as "oversharing" though. That's when you just unload on someone.
Pain dumping has driven 100% of my friends away during my lifetime. I've done work on myself and I'm ready to socialize again.
Some of the best people are open and honest. Look at how many who've overcome drug addiction and talk about it. I dont find it offensive and they certainly arent pushing me away.
Clearly you must be a good listener!💗
I don’t want to hear about your problems the first day I meet you.
@@angelarose2673 I didn't mean the first time you met someone who needed you. YOU may be the last person they spoke to. Sadly this will reflect back onto you someday when you need a shoulder. And you will.
Depends on the timing, reason, relevance and repetition of "sharing"
Dumping is not sharing.
I would much prefer someone's words to my face to match their actions behind my back. It might hurt, but not near as much as the added wound of them lying. And, assertiveness is not aggressiveness. And assertiveness is more likely to be honest. Passive -aggressive can just be eliminated. No need for it, whatsoever.
I just recently found your videos and I’m finding them super helpful and eye opening. This video was especially hard-hitting for me. Your point about reciprocity left me feeling sad and unsure of what to do. I naturally feel safest when I’m alone, so I tend to withdrawal most of the time. The issue is I feel like people never initiate with me to hang out or talk, so I feel like if it weren’t for me reaching out I would be completely isolated and I feel like no one would even think twice about me. I’d like to think people like being around me, because when I ask to hang out they always seem happy to make plans. It would just be nice to know I care enough to people for them to reach out first... 😞
I would highly recommend starting the Daily Practice. There is free instruction here crappychildhoodfairy.com/
We find that we are more clear and able to distinguish the true from the false (would I have friend if I didn't reach out all the time?) when we begin this practice.
-Cara@TeamFairy
Don't feel bad I have done extreme and left people alone for close too 11 years I can honestly say people just seem straight evil now or blank nothing or even worse the brainwashed sheep that just go along too get along .....oh well.Feel better I feel you though.
I can relate wholeheartedly. I have been avoiding some painful truths about my friendships and relationships for a long time. Fear of being alone can blind you. I find myself initiating contact with friends, making effort to drive distances to see them. If I make plans, they will say, things like, “I’ll let you know if I don’t have any plans” or send texts with pics of them at places saying “wish you were here” after not inviting me. Like dangling a friendship carrot on a stick. So I ask, “how did my friendships get here? What can I do to cultivate genuine trustworthy lasting relationships and what filters can I implement to select the right kind of people in my life? What is it that I am saying or doing that gives people the idea I’m not worthy of a genuine relationship?” Being afraid to be alone will ultimately attract disingenuous people.
I’m always reaching out first too and feel I’d have no one if I never did this
@@Forthright131 this is 💯% me too.
Uowww! My first affirmation every morning: "I will answer without reacting , I answer from a place of my own"
Great video! Tk you !
You're so welcome!
Anna, I could have saved boat loads of money I spent on therapy had I found your work sooner. Thank you.
In my abusive family I was the healer, care-taker child. I became a complementary therapist, a Reiki master, a counsellor which suited my need to heal people in order to feel more safe in the world. Now I see that, when doing 'good' is a compulsion, or old patterned behaviour, it's not in the present moment and maybe I need to learn to listen, to ask people what they want or need from me or admit that I feel uncomfortable with their pain or situation! I've got a lot to learn in my 65th year. An empath, HSP with CPTSD. Gentle but persistent growth is the way for me now.
That's beautiful and a worthy goal!
-Cara@TeamFairy
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy thank you. In this Age of Aquarius learning self love seems a theme that pops up all over. I think I'm better at loving others! I ask for help. Thanks for your sharing here. xx
Carry on, sister 🌟🌱🦋🌹
What other people think of me is none of my business.
catherine martina,your lovely smile can make the news!
Okay, I’m only seven minutes into this, and I have to say, you just gave me (gifted me) a HUGE lightbulb moment. Fauning behavior AND the “crap fit”. Anna, this is the story of my adult life. My mother’s fauning and my general crapfit response to her and to others in my family. Yes, fauning feels creepy, like you said. I could never really put my finger on this before. Thank you. Your wisdom is gold. 🌹
Yay! So glad it was helpful :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
I've completely emotionally shut down so I cant keep friendships or anything. When people show emotion I cant empathize with them because I have shut mine off. This turns people off.
Yes, that's a hard place to be. I offer a lot of programs for breaking isolation. Please have a look over on my website: crappychildhoodfairy.com
Isn’t crazy how that all works. I’m too empathetic and I feel all the other person’s pain and it’s too overwhelming.
@@trishayamada807 that's how I used to be. I was always very "emotionally plugged in" so to say, even as a kid. My parents called me an empath because of how I connected with emotions and vibrations. I was super in tune with myself and others until what happened, happened. What's most confusing is I'm not even holding myself emotionally hostage, I truly dont rememeber how to be vulnerable. It's not that I'm all depressed and always thinking about my past.... I really don't often... I've just learned how to "function" as a parent and contributing member of society. What's missing is everything else that makes me human. I'm just a shell of a person I once was. The scary part is, everyday that goes by I get further and further from remembering what I'm supposed to feel like and how I should see the world/people. I wonder how much I've already totally forgotten and it's been about 10 years.
I am on the receiving end of a partner who does this. It’s very traumatizing to be with someone who won’t feel their emotions and therefore can’t empathize with mine (and I feel things DEEPLY)
Here’s what I’d love to see from my partner: go back and fully feel everything that was denied or not allowed. Because as of this moment the only feeling he allows is anger so I’m over here feeling the full spectrum of emotions with a partner who turns everything into anger 🤦🏼♀️
@@ImSimplyAHuman It's too bad you feel that way. What's dangerous is you expect your partner to change to make you happy. Instead try embracing his insecurity and not pushing. He probably feels pretty pressured by you. He probably wont change anytime soon as inner healing never ends. Maybe move on, it sounds like hes not emotionally available. I would never date as I have nothing to give someone and I find people needy.
Sarte said, "Hell is other people." So is heaven. Sometimes.
Honestly a lot of people out there are ignorant, immature, thoughtless and unpleasant and a waste of time and effort to be in a relationship with.
I’m definitely the one who has made most of the effort to make it happen with people in the past, including my family, and it’s recovery for me to stop doing that.
Bottom line, I love being alone with myself and God, neither of whom treat me poorly 🌸❤️
We call it ‘wearing your heart on your sleeve’- it can be exhausting.
Thank you for sharing your information.
Say what you mean and mean what you say, those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind, these videos cause people to overthink and question whether they should say this or say that, just be you and everything else will fall into place. You can’t lose what’s meant for you. Just speak your truth and love yourself wholeheartedly.
Love yourself! Yes! I agree with you, and I agree with her. I have done all of what she describes, until I loved ME more. With that, acceptance from outside of you isn’t needed the same. I love myself now and now I find I often say what I mean and mean what I say. Game changer. I am being trusted and valued. I am beginning genuine friendships.
But sometimes it's like learning to choose your battles you're not just going to walk into a funeral home to someone's funeral you don't know sit down next to somebody and just start spilling your whole life story you can tell your story you just have to tell it in small parts and use your best judgment on when it's okay to talk about it because not everybody is bruised and damaged like us they can't comprehend or take everything in all at once so you can still mean what you say and say what you mean and maybe sometimes it's okay to overthink and question whether you should say this right now or maybe you should wait till you get in the van and it's a smaller group of people
I used to overshare, but after ive found myself in a emotional abusive relationship i now struggle with the opposite. In friendships it,s a little better but in romantic connections as soon as i realize that in order to connect i will eventually have to open up/show emotion i actually shut down and can come across detached. This ranges from talking about trauma but also just simply saying that i might like getting to know that person. I tend to just mute. I can grasp how that shift happend, it really taps into shame and feeling unwanted. Ive been doing great on setting boundries but i do struggle changing that aspect. Relatable for anyone? Tips are welcome aswell ❤
Thanks for sharing this! I resonate with it :)
@@HealwithRannn 🌹🌹
TY for sharing. I believe I am in a similar position with relationships. I feel if I make use of Anna's free 💝 materials, and continue binging on her videos, the secrets will be revealed. 🦋
I applaud our courage!
I like this lady. Very personable and helpful. Insightful person👍🏼
Wow, thank you!
Joyce Mullins, you look stunning dear
Yes, she is instantly likable. A perfect therapist. She can say “hard things” in a kind way.
Im a Mullins
Thank you Anna. I am making a connection with so much of what you are saying. At nearly 54, I had not heard of CPTSD or covert avoidance, but these concepts make sense of much of the unhappiness in my life. I actually had loving parents - they did love all four of us - but they had a highly volatile and often hostile and verbally violent relationship. I do feel that we were caught up in that and many of my childhood experiences were dysfunctional. For example, we were brought up with the 'nature not nurture' idea that your talents are innate, mistakes are a sign of weakness, and other disempowering beliefs. I have made my happiness dependent on pleasing other people. Now, in this pandemic, there seems little left, with friends and loved ones out of reach. So at last I am looking at myself and starting to look inward to address some of my attidudes and habits that need healing. Thank you for your help.
I think Rachel you have honed in on the unseen opportunity of the times we are going through and how we can utilize it for self growth instead of fear and panic. If you're into Astrology I believe this was one of the significant meanings of Jupiter and Saturn in Aquarius, the choice between two different ways of being when we're all going through something collectively. I think Anna presents many great opportunities for self reflection and connecting our past to our present gives a lot of impetus to begin anew.
It's getting harder to connect with others because we are so divided by "social issues" forced upon us by the media.
YES. In my small way I'm trying to counteract that.
@David S. Your comment shows you are proof and a good example of what she said.
@David S. So it was just Democrats that ruined businesses? Try putting blame where it belongs Trump failed this country.
@David S. Trying to keep people safe is not a failure. The failure was done by Trump who knew how dangerous it was. When he screwed up he made governors fight for supplies. Even now no plan for giving of vaccines. I know public health and he screwed us over big time. Put the blame where due.
@David S. I value my life and that of others. Life is too precious and short to knowingly risk it’s loss. Stay safe and protect your family. Happy New Year to you and yours.
Very true. Before finding out that I had been diagnosed with CPTSD, I found it almost impossible to restrain myself, because the pull was so strong to share. Now that I know why I was doing what I did, it is much easier to pull back, to accept what people are showing/telling me, and just restraining myself. I have been in therapy for 3 years, and they never once shared with me what my diagnosis was. It wasn’t until I was at my wits end with insomnia that I tried to diagnose myself did my current therapist told me the diagnosis. Imagine the shock… I think how I could have not sabotaged so many relationships as a result of being in the dark.
Love your work. Thank you.
I'm so glad you found the Fairy :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
I like your illustrations of 'trash can' in your head and 'front porch' for your emotions. Visualizations like that can be very helpful.
Thanks! I find I use metaphors a lot.
I would not say I had a traumatic childhood, and yet I recognise so much of myself in this, particularly 'our loneliness gets leaky.' Looking back I can see that although I grew up in a fairly large family (four siblings) I was a lonely child and I still feel that loneliness, but my way of coping is to reject others before they can reject me (which I'm sure they will, eventually.)
I just feel that we need to be ourselves and the right ones will stay. It seem too much to control what we say and how we react to attract friendship. Generally people with childhood trauma end up being depressed as adults and have a lot of anxiety. They are drained out emotionally, mentally and physically. Please allow them the space to be them because they use every little energy they just to pass another day.
If your friends just want you around for the good fun times but are going to run off the moment you need a shoulder to cry on or even need help, do you need that friendship? Friendship should be genuine by both parties and each should be there for the other in good and bad times. Otherwise it's better to be alone if friendship is just one way and demands to much of how and what we say. I had a lot of this friends for good times only and they are not there when I was helpless. It felt so painful. I grew up watching Golden Girls and Friends, so I based friendship on them. They are always there for each other. Slowly, I disconnected all this people. I am happy when I am alone and when I have a problem, I have figure it out on my own anyway but now with less heartache. I trust the universe will guide me and I surrender.
I think people who have grown up being abused and have developed CPTSD, absolutely need to address their situation and change it, otherwise it will rarely get better. Such childhood abuse stunts maturity and emotional development and thus prevents the adult (child) from living a satisfying adult life. With awareness, focus, persistence and self-care, it can be reversed
Yes...💖🌟
That was really really helpful! Embarrassing, but helpful. I'd love for you to speak about coping with embarrassment. Thanks for all the great content!
Oh, good idea! I'll put that on my topic list!
Wow… Trust me that’s not underwhelming it’s the exact opposite. You just helped me realize why when someone treats me poorly I go back up to them. It is me in a sense of trying to prove to myself that I have not been hurt and I’m going to people pleasing mode. Thanks for that! What an eye-opener.
The first 20 years of my life has been alot of trauma and I've been looking within to figure out what pushes people away. Thanks for the help.
So glad you found our little community here!
The emotional neediness is embarrassing tbh 🤦♀️!
I hear you, I've felt that too. But imagine you saw a starving person on tbe street asking or even begging for food that they truly needed. I'm guessing you wouldn't judge that they should be embarrassed. Some of us were starved for love and not taught how to access it from God, how to connect within, or how to identify healthy partners so... We have sometimes wandered out into the street in that condition and blurted out our needs for love. It's ok. Most important, learning that we can find it for ourselves is crucial and feed ourselves into a loved/healed state.
Maybe the ones who starved us of love and never taught us are the ones who should be embarrassed. (I prefer the forgiveness of self and others, but at least don't attack yourself.) Hugs
I agree, it feels that way for me too.
Damn. Where were you when I was still so deep in my unconscious trauma behaviors? I still benefit from these breakdowns now after years of therapy and inner work but I could’ve used this when I was in my 20’s. So grateful for the work you do.
We are glad to have you here right now. Jack@TeamFairy
She says to wait for people to invite back, to not always be the one making the plans. But what if no one ever reciprocates? Since I've moved to southern culture, people only hang out with those who have been friends of the family for generations.
Being from the south, i can relate. Very cliquey culture. I'm not, so dont fit in often, which is fine. If people dont reciprocate, move on.
Yes the south is very much like that. If you can look for ppl who are transplants who may not be so fraternized. But i know what you mean. Im alone and im from the south!😂
I disagree with the lady. I feel its important to followoneagut feelings and if the call is to reach out to a friend whom I'm thinking of do so. I did not reach out once and she died. I didn't know she was ill.
Found small town, small town cliquey cultures up north too. Very frustrating. tried for year to integrate into a small community. Uuuuughggggggg
@@Natashahoneypot True. I believe we get a warning like that when someone we care for is about to die. Had that feeling for a long lost friend and tried to get in touch with but she had isolated herself and made it almost impossible so gave up too soon. She suicided later on. Her husband told me later, she had tried to get him to find me!
Yep. Learned once you get a few vague replies, or no replies, not a good friend (they are showing narcissistic tendencies in reality as healthy people communicate regardless if good or bad news/feelings & dont keep using excuses). No way do I put up w/no reciprocity anymore.
I went to a church yet again only to be labeled "too selfish" "ungrateful" "unfaithful" "need to put the past behind" oversharing like someone treading water in a hurricane trying not to drown. Love your videos. Praying I can finally feel again. Cry way too much and am way too disconnected. Nothing feels right. Just dead inside. Walking around numb as can be. Anyone who leaves I say bye and feel ever more numb.
I'm sorry you had to go through this. While I think there are things we can improve on, of course, and work on to make things better, your example is exactly why I feel like arguments made in videos like these are reductive. Our society is vicious with traumatized people, and I don't think oversharing (or not) is an excuse to treat people this way, especially in church. I hope you're holding up okay 💜
It's so embarrasing being like this. I've seen this video a bunch of times, but I can't seem to change this pattern. It's so painful pushing people away, that could have been right for me.
Holy wow. WHERE were you all my adult years! THANK YOU!
I'm 68, and I've done my share of therapy, but Anna's insights on CPTSD have cut right to the heart of the matter like nothing else. Anna, I'm surprised you don't have multiple degrees in therapy and counseling.
Thank you!
You are most welcome! I'm so glad the channel has been helpful :) -Calista@TeamFairy
Degrees don't mean much.......
I love these videos. They're really helpful. I've struggled with friendships throughout the entirety of my life. The majority of my friendships when I was younger where the friends with benefits, but those friendships always lasted until you got into a serious relationship and then went away. And then you'd have to restart after your other relationship ended.
Every platonic relationship or friendship I've ever had has always been dependent on me reaching out.
Oh yes, the old model of "relationships." I had those. I'm glad you're healing now. It does get better!
I am actually thankful I met the person who drove me to seek out videos like these. The reactions I had to her antics, and the degree to which I was attracted to her, that got me to resume the journey of recovery that I thought I was done with. And it wasn't her responsibility, it was so much on me. I am the one who is so affected. I would be deeply mistaken if I did not hold myself accountable for so much of my pain. My reaction to her games, her breadcrumbing, her avoidant nature. She has her own issues, I'm not going to act like she's perfect, but I will absolutely not blame her nature for causing mine. All it did was reveal what is going on inside of me to myself. All of it was perfect as the trigger to see what was happening inside me. I wish her the best and hope she gets the help she needs. I need help too, and without her in my life. I will miss her and not punish myself for feeling that way, but I also know that a life with her would be far too much pain and stress to endure for too long despite how much she is what I'm looking for in so many ways. It is at this point a purely limerent and unrequited relationship I have with her, despite how she once in a while makes it seem like it's more. I am the one who falls for it every time, who takes things from 1 to 1000, who isn't easygoing, who is clingy and needy and afraid because of ultimately a dissatisfaction with myself. I will do what I can and forgive myself for my limitations, particularly those I can't do anything about.
Thank you for your videos. You have been an amazing presence in my life the past few days.
I find people who r real n not so disossated with how their past, present etc refreshing, but the ones who can't cope with other people's sadness or pain, have quiet often never faced their own n r really not intouch with themselves or other's feelings or how 2 show empathy.
Yeah. True.
I agree. If you cant handle what I went through , you have your own issues.
I don't mind listening and hearing what people are saying about their past I don't mind talking about mine I used to be able to not to talk about it at all but after realizing that I'm an adult I'm responsible for who I become now that it's not my fault that my mother abandoned me at birth and I had nobody to bond with but I don't have to live with that I'm a grown adult and I make my choices and how I react to people's comments have I live that's my choice now nobody can hurt my feelings unless I let them and it's not on them to deal with what happened to me as a child and I love sharing my story from beginning to present because I hope it gives someone strength and they can realize hey she relates she's done this she seems like she's doing all right maybe I can learn something and I learn things from people all the time I find it very interesting how people act so tough but can't even talk about a situation because oh it's not going to do any good well how do you know you don't talk about it just because a few assholes didn't respond the way you wanted it to you're talking to the wrong crowds and you have to learn how to accept not everybody's going to like you
Fawning is a tough one because I also struggle with being emotionally unavailable, so being able to be give my attention to someone in that way feels like im being emotionally available at first. I really have to pay attention to those boundaries.
Communication is a skill set that can be learned from a trained Therapist. Art is a form of communicating at a higher level, that is why it is so powerful. Our current society treats people like machines want, work, produce, consume repeat.
I was socially alone for years and years, then in 2011, I had this breaking free. I started to socialize with even the most socially confident and attractive people, and date a little as well. Soon, however, I was losing friends and contacts faster than I was making them, and for all these reasons. I'm reassessing now. I appreciate all this info.
Thanks for sharing this @Brain_Arbenz... it seems to me your experience putting yourself out there, plus your observation about an aspect of your approach that wasn't working = a new approach that could be the best yet. Happy for you!
I used to overshare alot as a teen. Because when you overshare not only does it turn people off but it says NOTHING about you.........if you wanna be mysterious you can start oversharing .....just be careful what you share. People can use it to hurt you.