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Boundaries isn’t enough for deeper connection, it’s great for self capacity and voicing what’s okay and not to another. I’ve met people who have avoidant attachment style and they were flat due to lack of emotional attunement and having boundaries didn’t make the connection warmer.
Someone said “people don’t listen with the intent to understand, they listen with the intent to respond. I find this often, and a real turnoff when they hijack your conversation
Honestly if someone hasn't gone what you're going through they'll nvr really understand. All they can do is be a crying shoulder or try to get your mind off things.....oooor give advice but only if you ask for it
Odd a man should say this because most men in my life just want to fix me without listening ing. Thank you for this balance. I do appreciate women telling me their experience because intuitively, it is usually helpful. 😊
Turn-taking is a pathway to 2-way. Both in the relationship need to develop toward attunement no matter what temperaments are mixing. “You just need to work on yourself” can be not attuned. Sometimes you walk away when the balance of energy subtraction is continually subtraction for one person.
Keep in mind, neurodivergence affects a lot. Neurodivergent individuals, like myself, tell a similar personal story to try to connect, because that's what WE need. (Of course I'm speaking in general terms here, so it won't apply to everyone.) If you don't tell us a similar story when we are in need of connection, we think YOU are insensitive. Now, I have come to learn that's not what a neuro-typical person needs, but before I knew this, it was extremely difficult for me to connect with a neuro-typical person. The moral of what I'm saying is: have patience with people, and if it keeps happening, kindly talk about it directly how it makes you feel AND tell them what to do instead. Telling neurodivergent person what to do instead is extremely important, please don't skip this step, because if we haven't been told before, we genuinely don't know what to do. Much love, 💖 -Ava
Brilliant comment ☺️🙋 so glad you mentioned this. All the bells are ringing on this one. Bless you for writing this, although I am not religious, only spiritual. Being ND can really bring a lot of extra challenges. 🤍🤍☺️
yeah. feeling clueless about what is expected from me socially has actually been used to abuse me by several people in my life. I literally had to look it up and then got so much backlash from those abusive people for acting with rational boundaries and using my words 😂
@@HomeFromFarAwayI think if you keep learning from your experiences then they have a purpose. The people giving you a hard time might learn something as well, but my main concern is for you and your developing strength and resilience and usually wisdom comes with that as well. I find "Big Bang Theory" very helpful in this regard, but hey, I'm not preaching or saying do this or that. Just good luck, best wishes, you are not alone in your predicament, and some of us really appreciate people like you. ☺️😁🤍🙋
I'm a recovering opinion bully. It took me a long time to become aware of it & even longer to understand where it came from. When people would disagree with me or have a different opinion, it genuinely felt like a targeted slight, like the other person(s) was being condescending as if I was inferior to them. This was always how my family spoke to me. I wouldn't know what something was or how something was done, and they'd correct me in the most belittling way. It's wild how much we hold onto as children that follows us into adulthood..
I am also a recovering opinion bully and only am now realizing that it does stem from injustice in childhood… I used to look at people disagreeing with me as a fight. A personal attack. So, I’m learning to be more curious, listen more, and not offer unsolicited advice (or my opinion). Listening without responding is hard for someone like me with a problem-solving personality.
Same here. Problem solver type (was my job). But also people-pleasing trying to make myself needed (due to fear I didn't matter otherwise). Family was on a tight budget, so anything not necessary was a luxury. But parents felt guilty in case this was depriving us of things. So learnt to internalise the story they told themselves, that anything not needed, was also not wanted/desirable. Unfortunately I carried this over (as did they for family reasons), to people not just things. So big insecurity, that I'm only wanted if I'm needed. Leads to fostering rather parasitic needy people, and burning out. And to feeling unsafe around secure people, who may like me, but don't NEED me. And belittled if I didn't know something. Not helped by not being observant and noticing naturally. And parents with strong opinions. I copied by also having strong opinions. But also feel threatened when others state their different opinions dogmatically. Like it's a territorial battle. As though it's either me or them who will 'lose'. I'm in a few minorities too, so experience of that doesn't help.
I received unsolicited advice last night in a woman’s group. It made me mad because I wasn’t asking for advice, I just wanted to feel heard and not told what I should do. I’m a quiet person by nature.
In the last woman’s group I attended one of the strictly enforced rules were no advice giving ..it was a great practice that stayed with me for life. Sorry you had to sit with that.
My friend often says what I should do. But it is useful. She made me go to the gym and almost convinced me to stop smoking. It could be different from usual situations where people give unsolicited advice.If nobody is kicking me to do the right thing, I might never fix my life. I wasn't taught the correct behavior and practically unsocialized, so I often say things I shouldn't and only realize it later. I wish I knew how not to hurt people's feelings. But closest to me people call me out on it often, and they are not mad because they know me. I'm thankful to them.
Well said. Those are true friends indeed. Which is different than what Anna is describing: people who just want to feel better about themselves so they go around telling everyone what to do. I'm glad you made this distinction between receiving advice - even brutal feedback - from people one trusts and loves. True friends will support and encourage you, but at the same time, they will not hesitate to tell you when you're doing something wrong.
1. 1:15 You give unsolicited advice 2. 5:14 lack of curiosity 3. 9:28 insensitivity to others 4. 12:27 you cant own your mistakes 5. 15:31 being shielded 6. 17:01 dogmatism 7. 24:12 gossiping 8. 24:50 exaggerating 9. 26:07 flakiness
Thank you for this. Lots of food for thought here. As a die hard homebody, I often have to gear myself up to leave the house and interact with others, even people I care for deeply. As a consequence, I have the tendency to enter situations like a human whirlwind. I come across as funny and engaging and people are often initially drawn to my heightened energy. It also means I can be loud, obnoxious and self-centered as a cover for feeling self-conscious, unsure and uncomfortable. I feel like a counterfeit extrovert putting on a show. It takes me a bit to settle down and realize I am monopolizing conversations. It’s embarrassing because I truly am interested in other people’s feelings and experiences. When my nervous system is calm I’m a very good listener and supportive friend. Thankfully, my few close friends love me, understand me and are usually willing to give me a second to calm down. While I appreciate their patience, my goal is to learn how to regulate myself BEFORE I get to them so I can be fully present from the start.
Thank you so much for talking about unsolicited advice 💖. My husband and I both have CPTSD and tend to be "problem solvers" (aka "givers of unsolicited advice" 😂). I had a best friend for awhile who started almost every sentence with "You SHOULD...blah blah blah". She absolutely meant well but it was annoying and made me really aware of "You should..." statements coming from both myself and others.
Side note- you look so beautiful! You are thriving and I admire that in people’s stories. The overcoming and going forward and learning and falling down and continue to persevere. Hope!❤
The party thing happens all the time. I don't like to throw parties but when I turned 50 I did throw one. It was interesting because most people I invited said they would come. About half of them didn't cancel and didn't show up. A few sweet people called and let me know they couldn't make it. It was still a great party but I ordered too much food. Not showing up had a negative impact. A friend of mine said that you have to expect that a number of people won't show up at every party. People think they won't be missed. I'm a person who if I give my word that I'm going to do something...I follow up. This was a lesson...apparently many people don't value that.
Just got through Cancer, it does bring a clarity to relationships (and life). Showing up, holding space, helping when needed, these are the things I have tried to do for others in life. My weak point is interrupting others, I was brutally interrupted and criticized in childhood so I can fall into interrupting others when I feel anxious. So I'm working on taking a deep breath, not responding right away. Also, not responding at all is an option, which I never realized. Mediation helps a bit. Thanks for this
I have had friends or acquaintances ask me not to interrupt what they are saying, so this is something I do, when I feel I am connecting to what they are saying. My mind starts racing and making connections, and I want to share what I am thinking. I'm not conscious of feeling anxious, I feel like an overeager puppy. Thank you for the insight because interrupting makes people want to push me away.
More videos like this PLEASE, Anna! I wish these "unspoken rules" of attunement were taught to me by my family, but alas, much of this I've had to either intuit after lots of putting my foot in my mouth, or someone either in person or online has had to say it outright. It's awkward to know I need to grow in attunement, but not know exactly what to improve or look at. Thanks again for all you do!
Unsolicited advice aggravates me to no end. 50% of the time I will even state I'm not looking for help or answers and I STILL get unsolicited advice. I can't be any more clear than I already am and yet people still don't (won't) pick up what I'm puttin' down.
"Unsolicited advice" is a term not many are familiar with. Stating "Thank you but I wasn't asking for advice" seems to work better. In any case where people are not getting what you're trying to say, change your verbiage... This is also a practice in attunement.
This has been such an eye opener for me. I was completely unaware, in my pain , of how others view me…many of us simply were never taught any of this. Great topic to explore further!
It seems really overwhelming to keep trying and it usually doesn’t end good. I feel misunderstood a lot. I don’t even know where to meet my type of people. It’s like I don’t trust most people
One counsellor once advised me not to be idealistic when trying to connect with people. There will be users there will be all kinds of people but there won’t be an ideal kind to fit in our box. We just have develop the craft of beiing friendly with boundaries. I still don’t know how to do that though😂
@@cherp5837I don’t usually connect to people I don’t know. I tried to a lot but eventually I don’t have energy to keep trying. I got hurt several times or treated like an option. Maybe that’s why I am alone cause I wanna be treated like a priority and loved.
Sometimes I wonder if I’ve given unsolicited advice, like in the following situation that’s been happening: Lately on a few occasions I witnessed mothers abusing their children by berating, insulting, swearing at, shaming and straight humiliating them in public. It was clear on these children’s faces that trauma was forming. I’ve stepped in every time to save them from their mother’s horrendous behaviour. I told these mothers directly that they were being abusive and harming their children, that just because their own mother treated them that way it didn’t give them the right to do the same to their own children. They are caught off guard every single time and it becomes clear that they’re used to treating their children that way in public without consequence, with no one ever getting involved and speak up for the children. But when the mother’s tone toward her kids changes immediately to a non-abusive one, and when those children make direct eye contact with me with the words “thank you” in their sad eyes… I KNOW I’ve done the right thing.
Very brave, I'm proud of you! And that's an entirely different topic, as there is a second person involved. Unsolicited advice would be, if you were doing what you described, but as a reaction to these parents telling you "how disrespectful their child is".
@@amypola5903maybe. As a child who would have loved others intervening I find now, as an adult, it's those who sided with me in any way they happened to, any at all, that I cherish as a memory. Screw the immediate consequences of my mum being a certain way with me publicly on the day as those things would have come my way in some form regardless, my faith in humanity is restored when I remember that one person who took my side.
@@amypola5903 that's the narcissist, you nailed it! And you won't be there at home when they are abused further. Been there on the receiving end as a child (though I had to be the one to point it out for me as I never had advocates)
@@amypola5903It's better to have done some good, rather than none at all. The children are at least validated that it's not them, it's their mother. Remaining silent and making excuses for doing so, is basically enabling bad behaviours.
It’s funny because I was drawn to this video because of the thumbnail (You’re Avoidant But Don’t Know It) but then this video was actually about attunement and I had thought I was pretty attuned to people’s emotions & feelings. However, every single point you made here, are things that I do and clearly need to work on. Wow!! this was a huge eye opener for me and I’m actually going to watch it again and take some notes. Thanks for all these amazing videos Anna, I swear I’m learning more from you than I did in 3 years of therapy!
i have so much of these and so do the people i choose to date. It’s messed up because i get upset with them for not being attuned to me, but im not attuned to them, except in the codependent ways i learned to get love growing up by fawning. I don’t ask people any questions about themselves, not because I don’t know I should, but because I don’t care. And I hate that part of myself. 😔
Agree! i have severe cptsd, and a recent ADHA diagnosis. Never been attuned only blindsided but I am healing and that is a blessing thanks to people like Anna who was ahead of her time on all this. Thank you Ms R💕
I always appreciate when people give me advice because I often feel overwhelmed and lost when I have a problem and for me shared experiences are a way of connecting. But it makes a big difference whether it’s delivered with compassion and care or with frustration and arrogance.
I ate this up like delicious healthy food! This makes me want to rejoin the community! More please!! She feels like an older sister that is a few step ahead and showing the way. My mom did all of the lack of attunement things with people. Socializing and making friends almost feels like a rubix cube I want to give up trying to solve.
This awareness and these skills seem so foundational for healthy human social interaction, as well as personal emotional and physical safety, that they should be taught as part of the curriculum in the public schools.
We have a ministry in our church where we train people how to listen to others and ask questions that would basically draw the person out. (It’s called Stephen Ministry). It’s something that doesn’t come naturally it seems! Thanks for a very helpful video Anna!
Wow….. please more of this topic and more of the missing life lessons some of us weren’t fortunate enough to have learned in our first 18 years- YOU ROCK ANNA thank you a million times
Anna, I find that a lot of traumatized people have an all-or-nothing mindset. I’ve struggled with it, too. I think it can be reframed as more than just a lack of attunement. I’d like to understand it better, and I look forward to learning more about it from you. I also think that a person’s relationship to encouragement can be poorly attuned. They may be so attuned to discouragement that they don’t absorb encouragement well at all.
This video is awesome. Why? It provides thesis and antithesis. Every other video in existence provides thesis or antithesis only, which mostly has been useless to me. When I can see both sides of the coin I can learn to visualize and execute until my behavior, thoughts and feelings feel more genuine and human. Autistic with ptsd raised in a narcissistic/toxic family and have been drawn to toxic people my whole life, while rejecting good people with my bad behavior. Thank you for this help.
As long as it's sincere & not from some one you have been telling them over and over, etc.....and their advice is flippant and sigs they were't listening. Exceptions, but overall I agree
Anna, Thank you for helping me understand how I process criticism. As I've healed I respect that I need processing time after someone has criticized me. I use to blame myself for not accepting it well. However, I like being given useful criticism delivered in the right way. I do not like and I feel attacked when someone publicly criticizes or shames me. I've been told that I'm sensitive. It's not that I'm sensitive I just don't like being shamed and humiliated. I do not see that as useful or beneficial criticism but bullying. I believe if you can't criticize someone one on one/in private then you're shaming them and it's all about you and your ego and being right and a bully.
I just want to say, it's beautiful to see the laughter, joy and compassion spiling out from you in this video. Thank you for healing and sharing your wisom
Ma'am I just wanted to thank you, you truly are changing my life. I've gained so much understanding of myself and of how people work. I know I don't belong with others, so I do my best to leave everyone alone, but hopefully I won't be so bad when I have to be around someone else thanks to your videos.
This was excellent. I have some family members who do many / most of these. I adopted some of them in a lesser way by virtue of not having anything to compare it against and plain ole absorbing it. I am currently working on dogmatism, especially regarding politics. I have worked on some of the others too. I feel happy to know I am doing the corrective work and some of them I don’t do, so happy about that too.
I’m getting ghosted on texts when I try to connect and also my gifts and cards are never acknowledged by anyone. It leaves me with a definite feeling of dead energy along that pathway. I’ve started taking the hint and dropping those people from my life. My sister says I need to give them Grace and I hear what you’re saying as well. But I wasn’t put here to spend my life being the Grace giver. I just need to move on. Does that make sense?
Yep. My mom tells me the same thing. When I tell her about the non reciprocal relationships in my life she goes “well different friends serve different purposes, you shouldn’t burn so many bridges” and to some extent I understand how I should just match their energy instead of giving more and being upset, but that doesn’t really work for me. Why should I hold on to one sided relationships?? Do I need friends like that? I don’t think so..
Yes! I've moved across the country at 75 years old and now I need to make friends. I don't really know how and feel like I live among people who are very different in their viewpoints, religion, politics and habits. And I don't know how to meet people that I vibe with.
But I met someone that seemed to have a lot in common with me, but then she only contacted me to invite me to her events that asked for donations. I invited her to several events and she was never interested. So the clue light finally came on and I stopped trying with this person. My friend said "stop trying so hard" so I did. Don't know how that'll work.
Very interesting points. I feel like I've been misattuned in all these ways at one time or another. I suspect most of these behaviors originate from feeling invisible or in consequential.
Yes thank you Anna for these tips that opens up my mind a little bit. I was not taught all these social skills at home. Like I said many times, my mum did everything for me, like cooking, washing, etc, even too much (poor woman, but nobody obligeg her) but she was very lacking and sometimes even harmful from the relational point of you not communicative at all, at times harsh, at times bossy, at times silent, at times insensitive, at times bully, telling me off, putting shame and blame on me, shouting at me. We lived a life closed in the family environment, with not too much external attendance, and when we would see some family friends all I had to do was dressing up like my mother wanted and playing the gd boy's role with the other people which meant having to be very formal and polite and being very careful what I would say. Practically like a mannequin
I'm really upset at certain friends for having the same medical issues I was going through and not telling me what to do to fix it. Some of us WANT advice. I had deadbeat parents who couldn't care less if I was sick, and they separated me from my whole family, so I was alone all of my growing up years and had no idea how to make myself feel better, what vitamins to take, how to use ice or heat or anything like that. So I WANT the advice. I"m deeply offended at friends who didn't share healing advice with me when I really needed it. SOME people don't like advice, and I've noticed that those friends are literally falling apart. They're doing things that even the least educated person in health knows not to do. I love this channel but I don't agree about not telling someone what to do if they are sick, the doctors are not helping us. It's a really bad crisis going on right now.
I completely agree with this and had a similar experience growing up. Sharing health advice is always welcome by me. I can take it or leave it, but will never be offended by someone who cares enough to share any health tips with me. Doctors are overwhelmed and have often given me bad advice or misdiagnoses.
Anna was talking about 'unwanted and unsolicited advice'. If you feel you want and need advice from your friends just ask for it, tell them you would appreciate their advice, it's unsolicited advice that's unwelcome
When people get triggered or scared I have this unhealthy habit of trying to calm them down and I am definitely working on how I can be supportive without feeling in charge of people's reactions or caretaking. I appreciate how you show us that kindness is not possible without boundaries and also how enmeshment is like a leech in a figurative that sucks on personal wellbeing. It has been hard trying to state my needs without being controversial or feeling like my statements are very intense for my needs.
Excellent, as always. The videos have helped me more than all the years in therapy, you have an innate way of connecting all the dots on any topic. Thank you. See you in Boone, NC in October.
Anna you saved my life…literally you keep me moving forward with hope. Thank you and the gang for the support and encouragement amazing information and care you all share ❤❤❤
Great insights into tempting habits to avoid. As an FA I can find myself disrespectful by dogmatic and insensitive words and behaviors that lack empathy, curiosity or learning from my mistakes.
Anna, I'm gonna be completely honest with you, but in my experience if you've done enough work to be watching this channel and appreciating it as I do, you have the opposite problem to the one you describe. I routinely do all the things you advise here, but the problem is I'm met with such self absorption and lack of reciprocity that all I'm doing is validating them and feeding their ego, and absolutely nothing comes back. It's incredibly lonely. I've yet to find a cure. Over and over again I meet people with curiosity and sensitivity, only to have them as an opportunity to relentlessly focus on themselves.
I found this as well. I think it’s because I was a people pleaser and lacked any boundaries whatsoever. I was betrayed and it got me into therapy and it feels like I wasn’t really aware or like some fog lifted. Working through so much trauma. I have a couple really solid relationships now that reciprocate. Funny; is one I’ve known for years; and one I knew years ago when our children were in elementary school, and we really connected. I gave it some time because it appeared to be one sided; but it did get there after about a year. Now we are best friends. I don’t socialize often; I need a lot of down time after we get together but it works!
Anna, thank you for all the hard work you put into making these informative, practical videos. I learn something every time . I have gotten so much better since I found your channel! BTW your smile is fabulous. 😉☮️💜
Wow. Loved the attunement one. I'm on the spectrum and the cluster of lacks you describe are so helpful to me. I'm amazed at your wisdom and your ability to transmit it. I learned about limerence from you. I lived it sadly, but never knew it was a thing. Thank you. You helped me.
Ugh 😑 I’ve been very guilty of giving unsolicited advice. I have a problem-solving personality and am a Type-A so when someone tells me a problem, I rush to try and help them solve it. I have to learn to 🤐 Great perspective, thank you 🙏
I find that ppl want to know things about us so they can use the info against us. It's hard to be nice to some ppl because they become another person when they're around other ppl. Some ppl expect toooo much from us!!!
Thank you for calling out the hurtfulness of giving unsolicited advice. I understand how sometimes it can be well timed and helpful but more often than not, in my experience, it's such a disrespectful act. I do my best to refrain from it and respect that whomever I'm talking to is smart, resourceful and up to task of navigating their problems and figuring solutions - I try not to "come from above" with them. It's dismaying how dark some people's motivations can be with dispensing unsolicited advice; they attempt to dominate and patronize in order to give themselves a lift at the expense of the other person's dignity. It's an every day inhumane act that I think further needs to be put out in the sunlight for disinfecting.
Dear Anna, thank you so much for your great insights. That really helps a lot! It' s hard to admit, but I recognized myself in many of your points. I am suffering from asperger syndrom and it hurts to watch myself failing in social situations. I will keep on learning and trying. So thanks again for all your great work!
I’ve learned to be more explicit in asking for what I want. For those closest to me it is is not uncommon for me to set the parameters. I will tell them if I need space and an ear to rant, if I am sad and need comfort, if I have want a response or advice. It’s helped both sides of the friendships and I’ve noticed it’s kinda like we have taught each other to tune in
i definitely give unsolicited advice ): i have to absolutely give it to myself, ive typically always been treated as a therapist friend ): no one has ever really came or talked to me lest they needed help, so i naturally try to give everyone the advice i think they are going to ask for. i have been actuvely working on it for years, ive been unlearning this behavior ! its definitely something i learned from childhood, an a distorted attachment style of sorts its also hard for me because it is not often that others will ask me how im doing or what im going through so i fear that im still learning how to be present with myself and others, without assuming they only need me for help and not just the energy i bring to the table. i really do the best when im reading tarot for others, i can completely detatch from my own mind and work thoroughly through my heart, it allows me to really get in with their feelings. i ask questions and i don’t give sdvice unless they ask. i only read the energy and let them know i see where they are and i feel where they are. thank you for helping me to keep my self awareness !! ❣️❣️
Ive noticed that attuning to others is great but what people really want is to be around someone who is confident enough to express positive emotions toward them, someone who loves themselves
truthfully, i don’t do any of these things. i don’t like receiving unsolicited advice so i don’t give it, i don’t gossip, im not flaky, im genuinely curious in people, etc. and still i haven’t been able to find people with whom i feel connected.
This was bang on Anna! Everything you raised in this video connects to or addresses conversations I’ve been having with important people in my life, as well as things I’ve been ruminating on myself, as I am embarking on some major life changes. What powerful insights you have! I definitely look forward to more on this topic. One area I struggle with is thanking people - for the small everyday things, as well as for big supportive actions that someone took for me. I either do too little, or do too much (I think?), or I get stuck in ‘analysis paralysis’ and end up doing nothing (definitely too little!). If you have insights in this area, I’d love to hear them!
Really, excellent video. One of the best (and, among YT therapists, rarest) things about this channel is your practice of detailing *specific* habits we get into, and *specific* ways to correct them. Thank you.
This is so useful. The simetimes subtle shifts in behavior and speech that you shared really opened my eyes. While I learned a while ago not to give unsolicited advice, I didn't recognize the signals that saying you're busy or tired were sending. Please do.more on this! I often feel I reach out to friends more than they to me, although my friends are generous souks. Clearly something is asking for improvement.
Gossip has never been fun for me. I don't like hearing it or speaking it. I have found asking someone, "Can I call them and ask what they're side of this is?", causes people to either hmmm and haw or the person telling me the gossip will welcome it. I have also found telling my friends that they can use me as a sounding board if they want to work out finding a solution but I don't like hearing people being talked about if they're not there to defend themselves or explain their side.
This was so beneficial to me, thank you. I feel like this information helps me understand part of my social awkwardness. Lately, social/public interactions have been very difficult for me. Maybe putting these skills into place will alleviate some of that.
I carried a vague background fantasy for my entire life, about my senior years. It amounts to a the mistaken belief that my experiences over seven decades of survival would be sought out, and welcomed, even needed by others in world and in my kids and grandkids. Nope. Sometimes a joke opens a little interest and I am asked some advice. But all that stuff I experienced was ALL my stuff to jiggle, juggle and jerk around with. I realize my urges toward unsolicited advice as a senior are because during my early life experiences I was never asked, I was always told. So, really, what a pain in the neck to everyone, if I were to do the same to them. What matters is to be aware anbd present when the other person is wanting to be there too. That's plenty important anyway.
Thank you for saying all this and giving me some self reflection. I always think my advice and experiences are so hard earned yet myself i always feel unheard when people through advice at me. Interesting stuff. You are master communicator.
I found this video very helpful and especially how the actions tied to consequences structure. I want to go back through it with my notebook and practice each example. Thank you for sharing it with us 😊.
As usual excellent advice thank you. I've had botched surgery which has had a major impact on my life since. Yes, everbody seems to think they need to give unsolicited advice to the point that I simply avoid many of them now. In fact, having told one individual what happened, at their request I may add, and the fact that I'm now left with a condition that will progressively get worse I was told by her I needed to "move on" which obviously you can't when it's going to get worse and I cannot undo the damage. This has been a learning lesson on human beings believe me!!
I found out I have degenerative disc disease, and arthritis in my back. People are very dismissive, "🙄 EVERYBODY has arthritis in their back, Stacy!" Love my cat and my solitude!!
What an incredibly helpful, eyeopening video FULL of nuggets of wisdom and practice! Life for me is connection, and wow did this illuminate how I may have inadvertently shut some of it down, and perfect ways to adjust and allow more in to be a better friend, mother, family member, etc
My take away is that it is nearly impossible to be attuned to others when frozen in disregulation from being traumatized. I watched my friends grow more distant from me as I've decompensated under malignant Narcissistic abuse in my home over the past year. It's probably due to my sharing the traumatic events and feelings with them to the extent that they are overwhelmed and clueless about how to support me anymore. I've watched as their lives have gone on with one another, and now they leave me out of their conversations. I feel alone now even when I'm with them, and I don't know how to bridge that gap.
I was avoidant and didn't know it. I realized it just last fall, so about a year ago. Recently I realized how deeply ingrained the flight urge, resistance to communicating vulnerability, and general lack of expressiveness about my complex inner emotional world to the person who needs to hear it, even if they're opening up to me. 😮😮😮
If people download their woes to me, i listen carefully and can relate to a lot of what they say. Why ? Because i have experienced a lot in life and not shyed away from things that most people would. So if i notice where they might be going wrong, or how they might improve their situation, i will put it across to them as best i can. That can be gently, or bluntly, or harshly, or i might think on it and converse with them later about it, even in an indirect way. Sometimes all they might need is acceptance, or the chance to tell someone they can trust. It is often a type of "cry for help". So i will try to help in some way. I can often point things out to them. Sometimes it feels like parenting, but in a good way. ( I know right... hard to find) I might try to introduce humour. I might explain some psychology that i figured out from my own challenges. I might sit there and say nothing, and for many people that might be what they should do. I think i have enough of the necessary attributes to actually respond and offer some type of guidance. Its not always what you do, but most often how you do it. Many interactions require some degree of " breaking cycles". Or counter-balancing bad influences. So tor example, with the big bad menacing person, i might need to be fearless and frank wth them, because everyone else is too scared to. I can give them honest parenting in subtle or blunt ways, that they might remember and be affected or guided by. Often there is only so much you can do. I might let them know that, "You can tell me everything or anything." If i have useful things to say, having actually listened and considered, and having what i think are insights, because i do actually care, then i will respond accordingly. If that does not work for them then its not a conversation. If i think my insights won't help then i will keep it to myself. If i think they are wasting my time, will never change, or are just using their problems to get leverage, then i will deny access, avoid, block, walk away etc. Often you can waste hundreds of hours listening, unappreciated for doing so, and the person only gets worse. Or they begin to resent you because you know too much. Or they find recovery and ditch you, like a used therapist, finding new friends who don't know and would never care. Caring has a cost which can accumulate. Definitely you need boundaries. I am not the "nagging friend" who is unqualified, insensitive, ego-driven, bad at listening, with very limited life experience or lacking in parenting skills, can't even train a dog, all about what they want. No. I am me. I am also not very judgemental in many ways and do not abuse privileged information or betray confidences. Sorry it was long if anyone is reading this far. Best Wishes ☺️🤍🙋
I agree about Emotional Regulation, growing up in a home where nobody held their anger in predisposes a person to Friend Loss because they literally do not know how to hold negative feelings in, in order to preserve the Peace and their friendship group. In addition, most likely they were never shown examples of how to keep a group of friends growing up and do not know what it is like, so don't have very many friendship skills. That being said, some people are just prima donnas and a$$holes and expect others to tiptoe around the tulips for them, and need a dose of reality. I'm not bending over backward for "friends" who are in a bubble of unreality and are acting crazy and expect me to go along with it. No former Prom Queens and Overgrown Cheerleaders for me, that bubble will get popped pretty quick LOL I love friends but especially these days, there seems to be a lot of strange things taking hold of people. Your best friend will always be your Money, and as long as you have it, you will always make another friend, so don't let anyone treat your poorly or make you believe that "you did something wrong" just for their own entertainment.
Wow, this is so helpful and for the first time, I'm realizing why I have a tendency to exaggerate. My husband noticed that I exaggerate my points but it's like Anna said about using it to be heard. Now in my adult life, it's not as effective and does undermine my credibility. These points feel both incriminating yet liberating to hear on the lack of attunement 😅 because I do them but now that I'm aware, I can actively work to not do them. Thank you Anna, I've been binge watching your videos for the last 6 hours since I discovered your channel!
I try very hard to relate and cannot sometimes. When I was growing up, my brothers were getting their girlfriends pregnant and it was always a crisis. Would she keep the baby? Would they get married? Such drama. When I started attending a very conservative church, I saw someone from church at the grocery store and she told me she was pregnant and I shut up, out of respect and "appropriateness." It was only when I got back to my car that I realized she probably wanted to be congratulated. It had not occurred to me. Could I have been more clueless? I don't think so. Working on it.
Watching this video, I've seen alot of these traits in people I know, including my parents, and makes me realize just how broken they really were, and that they couldn't give me the childhood (or, in the case of people not in my family) friendship or love I've desired. I'm not perfect by any means but this has opened my eyes to things people have done to me, and made me realize that I was attracting people who were broken like me, even if I didn't know it at first. I just blamed myself for things, not really acknowledging that while I do have cptsd, the reactions I've had to their lack of attunement were actually rather normal. And of course, an excellent video into all the things not to do with people, that I'll definitely look out for ma'am
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I NEED THAT
"You can't connect with people without having boundaries." Wow.
...sure you can. Just find people you don't need boundaries with and trust, or whose values align with yours.
Nah fam, healthy boundaries will always exist @robertdeskoski9783 its ok
Values make boundaries 😉
Boundaries isn’t enough for deeper connection, it’s great for self capacity and voicing what’s okay and not to another.
I’ve met people who have avoidant attachment style and they were flat due to lack of emotional attunement and having boundaries didn’t make the connection warmer.
Boundaries are also about how far away people are. If anxious are never able to hold others accountable for being too far away, that's also a problem.
Someone said “people don’t listen with the intent to understand, they listen with the intent to respond.
I find this often, and a real turnoff when they hijack your conversation
Honestly if someone hasn't gone what you're going through they'll nvr really understand. All they can do is be a crying shoulder or try to get your mind off things.....oooor give advice but only if you ask for it
Odd a man should say this because most men in my life just want to fix me without listening ing. Thank you for this balance.
I do appreciate women telling me their experience because intuitively, it is usually helpful.
😊
@@Luna-ky3jlamen, true.😊
@@loli3939its so odd that you had to put down men in your comment
Turn-taking is a pathway to 2-way. Both in the relationship need to develop toward attunement no matter what temperaments are mixing. “You just need to work on yourself” can be not attuned. Sometimes you walk away when the balance of energy subtraction is continually subtraction for one person.
Keep in mind, neurodivergence affects a lot. Neurodivergent individuals, like myself, tell a similar personal story to try to connect, because that's what WE need. (Of course I'm speaking in general terms here, so it won't apply to everyone.) If you don't tell us a similar story when we are in need of connection, we think YOU are insensitive. Now, I have come to learn that's not what a neuro-typical person needs, but before I knew this, it was extremely difficult for me to connect with a neuro-typical person. The moral of what I'm saying is: have patience with people, and if it keeps happening, kindly talk about it directly how it makes you feel AND tell them what to do instead. Telling neurodivergent person what to do instead is extremely important, please don't skip this step, because if we haven't been told before, we genuinely don't know what to do.
Much love,
💖 -Ava
Brilliant comment ☺️🙋 so glad you mentioned this.
All the bells are ringing on this one.
Bless you for writing this, although I am not religious, only spiritual.
Being ND can really bring a lot of extra challenges. 🤍🤍☺️
Thank you so much 🙏 I do the same thing ❤❤❤
yeah. feeling clueless about what is expected from me socially has actually been used to abuse me by several people in my life. I literally had to look it up and then got so much backlash from those abusive people for acting with rational boundaries and using my words 😂
@@HomeFromFarAwayI think if you keep learning from your experiences then they have a purpose.
The people giving you a hard time might learn something as well, but my main concern is for you and your developing strength and resilience and usually wisdom comes with that as well.
I find "Big Bang Theory" very helpful in this regard, but hey, I'm not preaching or saying do this or that.
Just good luck, best wishes, you are not alone in your predicament, and some of us really appreciate people like you. ☺️😁🤍🙋
For anyone out there reading this post; I truly love what this woman has to share. She’s helped me so much…. And I’m old too.
Me too. (Old) She has done tons for me.
Lifelong learner, reporting for more life lessons!!!
Yes I second that
I'm a recovering opinion bully. It took me a long time to become aware of it & even longer to understand where it came from. When people would disagree with me or have a different opinion, it genuinely felt like a targeted slight, like the other person(s) was being condescending as if I was inferior to them. This was always how my family spoke to me. I wouldn't know what something was or how something was done, and they'd correct me in the most belittling way. It's wild how much we hold onto as children that follows us into adulthood..
I am also a recovering opinion bully and only am now realizing that it does stem from injustice in childhood… I used to look at people disagreeing with me as a fight. A personal attack. So, I’m learning to be more curious, listen more, and not offer unsolicited advice (or my opinion). Listening without responding is hard for someone like me with a problem-solving personality.
Same here. Problem solver type (was my job).
But also people-pleasing trying to make myself needed (due to fear I didn't matter otherwise). Family was on a tight budget, so anything not necessary was a luxury. But parents felt guilty in case this was depriving us of things. So learnt to internalise the story they told themselves, that anything not needed, was also not wanted/desirable.
Unfortunately I carried this over (as did they for family reasons), to people not just things. So big insecurity, that I'm only wanted if I'm needed. Leads to fostering rather parasitic needy people, and burning out. And to feeling unsafe around secure people, who may like me, but don't NEED me.
And belittled if I didn't know something. Not helped by not being observant and noticing naturally. And parents with strong opinions. I copied by also having strong opinions. But also feel threatened when others state their different opinions dogmatically. Like it's a territorial battle. As though it's either me or them who will 'lose'. I'm in a few minorities too, so experience of that doesn't help.
I received unsolicited advice last night in a woman’s group. It made me mad because I wasn’t asking for advice, I just wanted to feel heard and not told what I should do. I’m a quiet person by nature.
🌹
im sorry that happened to you ): i hope that everything is working out for you and that peace finds you
Sorry that happened to you, that sucks. "Unsolicited advice is relationship poison" and I've finally stopped doing it!
😂we learned in Alanon to say, You may be right😂😂😂😂 but we really think they're not. Detach and observe
In the last woman’s group I attended one of the strictly enforced rules were no advice giving ..it was a great practice that stayed with me for life. Sorry you had to sit with that.
My friend often says what I should do. But it is useful. She made me go to the gym and almost convinced me to stop smoking. It could be different from usual situations where people give unsolicited advice.If nobody is kicking me to do the right thing, I might never fix my life. I wasn't taught the correct behavior and practically unsocialized, so I often say things I shouldn't and only realize it later. I wish I knew how not to hurt people's feelings. But closest to me people call me out on it often, and they are not mad because they know me. I'm thankful to them.
Well said. Those are true friends indeed. Which is different than what Anna is describing: people who just want to feel better about themselves so they go around telling everyone what to do. I'm glad you made this distinction between receiving advice - even brutal feedback - from people one trusts and loves. True friends will support and encourage you, but at the same time, they will not hesitate to tell you when you're doing something wrong.
Hmmm...both excellent comments..I might not have written my comment if I saw these first. These are my kind of people. 🤔☺️🤍🙋
1. 1:15 You give unsolicited advice
2. 5:14 lack of curiosity
3. 9:28 insensitivity to others
4. 12:27 you cant own your mistakes
5. 15:31 being shielded
6. 17:01 dogmatism
7. 24:12 gossiping
8. 24:50 exaggerating
9. 26:07 flakiness
What is the point of this
@@SirenaSpades well, I used it to go back & listen to certain parts, so I'm grateful for it.
@@SirenaSpades What's the point of your weird comment?
Thanks for this list 😊. I can pinpoint the one I want to listen😊
thank you for the timestamps 🙂
I wasn't really taught how to assert myself in healthy way or what healthy boundaries were. I just did what I was told...as a kid.
You have talked about a lot of things I've always done with no idea how bad they were. I appreciate learning about these things.
Me too. I've done pretty much all of these at one point or another in my life.
We're so glad you're here :) -Calista@TeamFairy
Thank you for this. Lots of food for thought here. As a die hard homebody, I often have to gear myself up to leave the house and interact with others, even people I care for deeply. As a consequence, I have the tendency to enter situations like a human whirlwind. I come across as funny and engaging and people are often initially drawn to my heightened energy. It also means I can be loud, obnoxious and self-centered as a cover for feeling self-conscious, unsure and uncomfortable. I feel like a counterfeit extrovert putting on a show. It takes me a bit to settle down and realize I am monopolizing conversations. It’s embarrassing because I truly am interested in other people’s feelings and experiences. When my nervous system is calm I’m a very good listener and supportive friend. Thankfully, my few close friends love me, understand me and are usually willing to give me a second to calm down. While I appreciate their patience, my goal is to learn how to regulate myself BEFORE I get to them so I can be fully present from the start.
The self awareness here is sooo relatable!! Thank you for this comment
Thank you so much for talking about unsolicited advice 💖. My husband and I both have CPTSD and tend to be "problem solvers" (aka "givers of unsolicited advice" 😂). I had a best friend for awhile who started almost every sentence with "You SHOULD...blah blah blah". She absolutely meant well but it was annoying and made me really aware of "You should..." statements coming from both myself and others.
Just tell them. "Stop with the should this and should that".
Side note- you look so beautiful! You are thriving and I admire that in people’s stories. The overcoming and going forward and learning and falling down and continue to persevere. Hope!❤
This is a primer on why I have problems making friends 😊
Glad you are here!
Nika@TeamFairy
I am struggling with giving unsolicited advice. I always feel like i want to help but i understand, its very annoying. Thanks for the tips
The party thing happens all the time. I don't like to throw parties but when I turned 50 I did throw one. It was interesting because most people I invited said they would come. About half of them didn't cancel and didn't show up. A few sweet people called and let me know they couldn't make it. It was still a great party but I ordered too much food. Not showing up had a negative impact. A friend of mine said that you have to expect that a number of people won't show up at every party. People think they won't be missed. I'm a person who if I give my word that I'm going to do something...I follow up. This was a lesson...apparently many people don't value that.
Happy belated Birthday 🎈🎂❤
@@Mikkibriteside I know exactly how you feel 🫤 we say what we mean and mean what we say but others don’t live by that
Just got through Cancer, it does bring a clarity to relationships (and life). Showing up, holding space, helping when needed, these are the things I have tried to do for others in life. My weak point is interrupting others, I was brutally interrupted and criticized in childhood so I can fall into interrupting others when I feel anxious. So I'm working on taking a deep breath, not responding right away. Also, not responding at all is an option, which I never realized. Mediation helps a bit. Thanks for this
I have had friends or acquaintances ask me not to interrupt what they are saying, so this is something I do, when I feel I am connecting to what they are saying. My mind starts racing and making connections, and I want to share what I am thinking. I'm not conscious of feeling anxious, I feel like an overeager puppy. Thank you for the insight because interrupting makes people want to push me away.
Agree I also had cancer and got such clarity on life. Hope you are healing well
I hope you are healing well! Big things like that is like a hurricane for the soul and mind. You do learn what is important for real. ❤
More videos like this PLEASE, Anna! I wish these "unspoken rules" of attunement were taught to me by my family, but alas, much of this I've had to either intuit after lots of putting my foot in my mouth, or someone either in person or online has had to say it outright. It's awkward to know I need to grow in attunement, but not know exactly what to improve or look at. Thanks again for all you do!
Unsolicited advice aggravates me to no end. 50% of the time I will even state I'm not looking for help or answers and I STILL get unsolicited advice. I can't be any more clear than I already am and yet people still don't (won't) pick up what I'm puttin' down.
"Unsolicited advice" is a term not many are familiar with. Stating "Thank you but I wasn't asking for advice" seems to work better. In any case where people are not getting what you're trying to say, change your verbiage... This is also a practice in attunement.
@@crystaldunn9221 I've done that. It's always the same handful of people who do it. Ignoring their comments works but it takes for...ev...er. LOL
This has been such an eye opener for me. I was completely unaware, in my pain , of how others view me…many of us simply were never taught any of this. Great topic to explore further!
It seems really overwhelming to keep trying and it usually doesn’t end good. I feel misunderstood a lot. I don’t even know where to meet my type of people. It’s like I don’t trust most people
I feel-yah! U try to be nice, but some ppl try to be nice to u! A lot of ppl are just users!
Wow I couldn’t have said it better than your comment! Thank you!
One counsellor once advised me not to be idealistic when trying to connect with people. There will be users there will be all kinds of people but there won’t be an ideal kind to fit in our box. We just have develop the craft of beiing friendly with boundaries.
I still don’t know how to do that though😂
@@cherp5837I don’t usually connect to people I don’t know. I tried to a lot but eventually I don’t have energy to keep trying. I got hurt several times or treated like an option. Maybe that’s why I am alone cause I wanna be treated like a priority and loved.
I feel you. Same here, only I don't trust myself with people anymore. I'm a people-repellant. It feels like a curse.
This is one of your best videos. People absolutely need validation despite society and internet gurus telling people that they don't!🎉😊
Sometimes I wonder if I’ve given unsolicited advice, like in the following situation that’s been happening:
Lately on a few occasions I witnessed mothers abusing their children by berating, insulting, swearing at, shaming and straight humiliating them in public. It was clear on these children’s faces that trauma was forming. I’ve stepped in every time to save them from their mother’s horrendous behaviour. I told these mothers directly that they were being abusive and harming their children, that just because their own mother treated them that way it didn’t give them the right to do the same to their own children. They are caught off guard every single time and it becomes clear that they’re used to treating their children that way in public without consequence, with no one ever getting involved and speak up for the children. But when the mother’s tone toward her kids changes immediately to a non-abusive one, and when those children make direct eye contact with me with the words “thank you” in their sad eyes… I KNOW I’ve done the right thing.
Very brave, I'm proud of you! And that's an entirely different topic, as there is a second person involved.
Unsolicited advice would be, if you were doing what you described, but as a reaction to these parents telling you "how disrespectful their child is".
Maybe in that moment. But she might take out her embarrassment on them later. Blame them for making her look bad in public.
@@amypola5903maybe. As a child who would have loved others intervening I find now, as an adult, it's those who sided with me in any way they happened to, any at all, that I cherish as a memory. Screw the immediate consequences of my mum being a certain way with me publicly on the day as those things would have come my way in some form regardless, my faith in humanity is restored when I remember that one person who took my side.
@@amypola5903 that's the narcissist, you nailed it! And you won't be there at home when they are abused further. Been there on the receiving end as a child (though I had to be the one to point it out for me as I never had advocates)
@@amypola5903It's better to have done some good, rather than none at all.
The children are at least validated that it's not them, it's their mother.
Remaining silent and making excuses for doing so, is basically enabling bad behaviours.
It’s funny because I was drawn to this video because of the thumbnail (You’re Avoidant But Don’t Know It) but then this video was actually about attunement and I had thought I was pretty attuned to people’s emotions & feelings. However, every single point you made here, are things that I do and clearly need to work on. Wow!! this was a huge eye opener for me and I’m actually going to watch it again and take some notes. Thanks for all these amazing videos Anna, I swear I’m learning more from you than I did in 3 years of therapy!
Boy, this stuff can be a load, Anna.
Thank you for this.
i have so much of these and so do the people i choose to date. It’s messed up because i get upset with them for not being attuned to me, but im not attuned to them, except in the codependent ways i learned to get love growing up by fawning. I don’t ask people any questions about themselves, not because I don’t know I should, but because I don’t care. And I hate that part of myself. 😔
When you have autism and or adhd with cpstd, attunement is a little wacky 🙃
Yeah. Something to work towards, I guess.
Agree! i have severe cptsd, and a recent ADHA diagnosis. Never been attuned only blindsided but I am healing and that is a blessing thanks to people like Anna who was ahead of her time on all this. Thank you Ms R💕
I always appreciate when people give me advice because I often feel overwhelmed and lost when I have a problem and for me shared experiences are a way of connecting. But it makes a big difference whether it’s delivered with compassion and care or with frustration and arrogance.
I love your hair and wish my own looked like that. The color, waves, length, and curtain bangs are perfect on you.❤
I ate this up like delicious healthy food! This makes me want to rejoin the community!
More please!!
She feels like an older sister that is a few step ahead and showing the way.
My mom did all of the lack of attunement things with people.
Socializing and making friends almost feels like a rubix cube I want to give up trying to solve.
This awareness and these skills seem so foundational for healthy human social interaction, as well as personal emotional and physical safety, that they should be taught as part of the curriculum in the public schools.
We have a ministry in our church where we train people how to listen to others and ask questions that would basically draw the person out. (It’s called Stephen Ministry). It’s something that doesn’t come naturally it seems! Thanks for a very helpful video Anna!
Wow….. please more of this topic and more of the missing life lessons some of us weren’t fortunate enough to have learned in our first 18 years- YOU ROCK ANNA thank you a million times
Anna, I find that a lot of traumatized people have an all-or-nothing mindset. I’ve struggled with it, too. I think it can be reframed as more than just a lack of attunement. I’d like to understand it better, and I look forward to learning more about it from you. I also think that a person’s relationship to encouragement can be poorly attuned. They may be so attuned to discouragement that they don’t absorb encouragement well at all.
This video is awesome. Why? It provides thesis and antithesis.
Every other video in existence provides thesis or antithesis only, which mostly has been useless to me. When I can see both sides of the coin I can learn to visualize and execute until my behavior, thoughts and feelings feel more genuine and human.
Autistic with ptsd raised in a narcissistic/toxic family and have been drawn to toxic people my whole life, while rejecting good people with my bad behavior.
Thank you for this help.
I actually really like being given advice. It shows that they care enough to do it. If it's someone I respect I will always listen & thank them.
As long as it's sincere & not from some one you have been telling them over and over, etc.....and their advice is flippant and sigs they were't listening. Exceptions, but overall I agree
Anna, Thank you for helping me understand how I process criticism. As I've healed I respect that I need processing time after someone has criticized me. I use to blame myself for not accepting it well. However, I like being given useful criticism delivered in the right way. I do not like and I feel attacked when someone publicly criticizes or shames me. I've been told that I'm sensitive. It's not that I'm sensitive I just don't like being shamed and humiliated. I do not see that as useful or beneficial criticism but bullying. I believe if you can't criticize someone one on one/in private then you're shaming them and it's all about you and your ego and being right and a bully.
Glad you are here!
Nika@TeamFairy
I just want to say, it's beautiful to see the laughter, joy and compassion spiling out from you in this video. Thank you for healing and sharing your wisom
Ma'am I just wanted to thank you, you truly are changing my life. I've gained so much understanding of myself and of how people work. I know I don't belong with others, so I do my best to leave everyone alone, but hopefully I won't be so bad when I have to be around someone else thanks to your videos.
You are so welcome! Glad you are here!
Nika@TeamFairy
This was excellent. I have some family members who do many / most of these. I adopted some of them in a lesser way by virtue of not having anything to compare it against and plain ole absorbing it. I am currently working on dogmatism, especially regarding politics. I have worked on some of the others too. I feel happy to know I am doing the corrective work and some of them I don’t do, so happy about that too.
I’m getting ghosted on texts when I try to connect and also my gifts and cards are never acknowledged by anyone. It leaves me with a definite feeling of dead energy along that pathway. I’ve started taking the hint and dropping those people from my life. My sister says I need to give them Grace and I hear what you’re saying as well. But I wasn’t put here to spend my life being the Grace giver. I just need to move on. Does that make sense?
Yep. My mom tells me the same thing. When I tell her about the non reciprocal relationships in my life she goes “well different friends serve different purposes, you shouldn’t burn so many bridges” and to some extent I understand how I should just match their energy instead of giving more and being upset, but that doesn’t really work for me. Why should I hold on to one sided relationships?? Do I need friends like that? I don’t think so..
@crappychildhoodfairy-this!
Yes! I've moved across the country at 75 years old and now I need to make friends. I don't really know how and feel like I live among people who are very different in their viewpoints, religion, politics and habits. And I don't know how to meet people that I vibe with.
But I met someone that seemed to have a lot in common with me, but then she only contacted me to invite me to her events that asked for donations. I invited her to several events and she was never interested. So the clue light finally came on and I stopped trying with this person. My friend said "stop trying so hard" so I did. Don't know how that'll work.
I need to work on all of this, i request alot of grace but don't give it often.
We're all rooting for you! -Calista@TeamFairy
Very interesting points. I feel like I've been misattuned in all these ways at one time or another. I suspect most of these behaviors originate from feeling invisible or in consequential.
Yes thank you Anna for these tips that opens up my mind a little bit. I was not taught all these social skills at home. Like I said many times, my mum did everything for me, like cooking, washing, etc, even too much (poor woman, but nobody obligeg her) but she was very lacking and sometimes even harmful from the relational point of you not communicative at all, at times harsh, at times bossy, at times silent, at times insensitive, at times bully, telling me off, putting shame and blame on me, shouting at me. We lived a life closed in the family environment, with not too much external attendance, and when we would see some family friends all I had to do was dressing up like my mother wanted and playing the gd boy's role with the other people which meant having to be very formal and polite and being very careful what I would say. Practically like a mannequin
I'm really upset at certain friends for having the same medical issues I was going through and not telling me what to do to fix it. Some of us WANT advice. I had deadbeat parents who couldn't care less if I was sick, and they separated me from my whole family, so I was alone all of my growing up years and had no idea how to make myself feel better, what vitamins to take, how to use ice or heat or anything like that. So I WANT the advice. I"m deeply offended at friends who didn't share healing advice with me when I really needed it. SOME people don't like advice, and I've noticed that those friends are literally falling apart. They're doing things that even the least educated person in health knows not to do. I love this channel but I don't agree about not telling someone what to do if they are sick, the doctors are not helping us. It's a really bad crisis going on right now.
I completely agree with this and had a similar experience growing up. Sharing health advice is always welcome by me. I can take it or leave it, but will never be offended by someone who cares enough to share any health tips with me. Doctors are overwhelmed and have often given me bad advice or misdiagnoses.
Anna was talking about 'unwanted and unsolicited advice'. If you feel you want and need advice from your friends just ask for it, tell them you would appreciate their advice, it's unsolicited advice that's unwelcome
@@whiteravenfeather I try but it's hard for people who have been taught that it's "rude to offer advice"
I like how you give words to feelings. Like how you say, "it helps to have a word for it. " It does help to have a word for it
When people get triggered or scared I have this unhealthy habit of trying to calm them down and I am definitely working on how I can be supportive without feeling in charge of people's reactions or caretaking. I appreciate how you show us that kindness is not possible without boundaries and also how enmeshment is like a leech in a figurative that sucks on personal wellbeing. It has been hard trying to state my needs without being controversial or feeling like my statements are very intense for my needs.
Anna ..in case you’re looking ..that lipstick looks incredible on you! You look fab ❤I’m a recovering exaggerator however not in this case❤️
Excellent, as always. The videos have helped me more than all the years in therapy, you have an innate way of connecting all the dots on any topic. Thank you. See you in Boone, NC in October.
Anna you saved my life…literally you keep me moving forward with hope. Thank you and the gang for the support and encouragement amazing information and care you all share ❤❤❤
Great insights into tempting habits to avoid. As an FA I can find myself disrespectful by dogmatic and insensitive words and behaviors that lack empathy, curiosity or learning from my mistakes.
Anna, I'm gonna be completely honest with you, but in my experience if you've done enough work to be watching this channel and appreciating it as I do, you have the opposite problem to the one you describe. I routinely do all the things you advise here, but the problem is I'm met with such self absorption and lack of reciprocity that all I'm doing is validating them and feeding their ego, and absolutely nothing comes back. It's incredibly lonely. I've yet to find a cure. Over and over again I meet people with curiosity and sensitivity, only to have them as an opportunity to relentlessly focus on themselves.
I found this as well. I think it’s because I was a people pleaser and lacked any boundaries whatsoever. I was betrayed and it got me into therapy and it feels like I wasn’t really aware or like some fog lifted. Working through so much trauma. I have a couple really solid relationships now that reciprocate. Funny; is one I’ve known for years; and one I knew years ago when our children were in elementary school, and we really connected. I gave it some time because it appeared to be one sided; but it did get there after about a year.
Now we are best friends. I don’t socialize often; I need a lot of down time after we get together but it works!
@@UnacceptableTee That's good to hear. Glad you're happy!
You videos are so practical and helpful. You also come across as authentic and kind, not a know-it-all. Thank you, thank you.❤
Glad you like them!
Anna, thank you for all the hard work you put into making these informative, practical videos. I learn something every time . I have gotten so much better since I found your channel! BTW your smile is fabulous. 😉☮️💜
Wow. Loved the attunement one. I'm on the spectrum and the cluster of lacks you describe are so helpful to me. I'm amazed at your wisdom and your ability to transmit it. I learned about limerence from you. I lived it sadly, but never knew it was a thing. Thank you. You helped me.
Ugh 😑 I’ve been very guilty of giving unsolicited advice. I have a problem-solving personality and am a Type-A so when someone tells me a problem, I rush to try and help them solve it. I have to learn to 🤐 Great perspective, thank you 🙏
I find that ppl want to know things about us so they can use the info against us. It's hard to be nice to some ppl because they become another person when they're around other ppl. Some ppl expect toooo much from us!!!
I have a friend like that. When she is close to me. She all over me but when people come close to us. She just start acting strange
Thank you for calling out the hurtfulness of giving unsolicited advice. I understand how sometimes it can be well timed and helpful but more often than not, in my experience, it's such a disrespectful act. I do my best to refrain from it and respect that whomever I'm talking to is smart, resourceful and up to task of navigating their problems and figuring solutions - I try not to "come from above" with them. It's dismaying how dark some people's motivations can be with dispensing unsolicited advice; they attempt to dominate and patronize in order to give themselves a lift at the expense of the other person's dignity. It's an every day inhumane act that I think further needs to be put out in the sunlight for disinfecting.
Dear Anna, thank you so much for your great insights. That really helps a lot! It' s hard to admit, but I recognized myself in many of your points. I am suffering from asperger syndrom and it hurts to watch myself failing in social situations. I will keep on learning and trying. So thanks again for all your great work!
I need to work on these things, I do it or it is done to me often.
I’ve learned to be more explicit in asking for what I want. For those closest to me it is is not uncommon for me to set the parameters. I will tell them if I need space and an ear to rant, if I am sad and need comfort, if I have want a response or advice. It’s helped both sides of the friendships and I’ve noticed it’s kinda like we have taught each other to tune in
i definitely give unsolicited advice ):
i have to absolutely give it to myself, ive typically always been treated as a therapist friend ): no one has ever really came or talked to me lest they needed help, so i naturally try to give everyone the advice i think they are going to ask for. i have been actuvely working on it for years, ive been unlearning this behavior ! its definitely something i learned from childhood, an a distorted attachment style of sorts
its also hard for me because it is not often that others will ask me how im doing or what im going through so i fear that im still learning how to be present with myself and others, without assuming they only need me for help and not just the energy i bring to the table.
i really do the best when im reading tarot for others, i can completely detatch from my own mind and work thoroughly through my heart, it allows me to really get in with their feelings. i ask questions and i don’t give sdvice unless they ask. i only read the energy and let them know i see where they are and i feel where they are.
thank you for helping me to keep my self awareness !! ❣️❣️
Ive noticed that attuning to others is great but what people really want is to be around someone who is confident enough to express positive emotions toward them, someone who loves themselves
truthfully, i don’t do any of these things. i don’t like receiving unsolicited advice so i don’t give it, i don’t gossip, im not flaky, im genuinely curious in people, etc. and still i haven’t been able to find people with whom i feel connected.
I think noticing that your partner likes "why" questions is really sweet! This was a great video
This was a really eye-opening one, thank you for all you do 🙌🏻
This was bang on Anna! Everything you raised in this video connects to or addresses conversations I’ve been having with important people in my life, as well as things I’ve been ruminating on myself, as I am embarking on some major life changes. What powerful insights you have! I definitely look forward to more on this topic.
One area I struggle with is thanking people - for the small everyday things, as well as for big supportive actions that someone took for me. I either do too little, or do too much (I think?), or I get stuck in ‘analysis paralysis’ and end up doing nothing (definitely too little!). If you have insights in this area, I’d love to hear them!
Really, excellent video. One of the best (and, among YT therapists, rarest) things about this channel is your practice of detailing *specific* habits we get into, and *specific* ways to correct them. Thank you.
This is so useful. The simetimes subtle shifts in behavior and speech that you shared really opened my eyes. While I learned a while ago not to give unsolicited advice, I didn't recognize the signals that saying you're busy or tired were sending. Please do.more on this! I often feel I reach out to friends more than they to me, although my friends are generous souks. Clearly something is asking for improvement.
Gossip has never been fun for me. I don't like hearing it or speaking it. I have found asking someone, "Can I call them and ask what they're side of this is?", causes people to either hmmm and haw or the person telling me the gossip will welcome it. I have also found telling my friends that they can use me as a sounding board if they want to work out finding a solution but I don't like hearing people being talked about if they're not there to defend themselves or explain their side.
This was so beneficial to me, thank you. I feel like this information helps me understand part of my social awkwardness. Lately, social/public interactions have been very difficult for me. Maybe putting these skills into place will alleviate some of that.
Glad you are here! Good luck on your healing journey!
Nika@TeamFairy
This is so useful! Thank you Anna ❤
I carried a vague background fantasy for my entire life, about my senior years. It amounts to a the mistaken belief that my experiences over seven decades of survival would be sought out, and welcomed, even needed by others in world and in my kids and grandkids. Nope. Sometimes a joke opens a little interest and I am asked some advice. But all that stuff I experienced was ALL my stuff to jiggle, juggle and jerk around with. I realize my urges toward unsolicited advice as a senior are because during my early life experiences I was never asked, I was always told. So, really, what a pain in the neck to everyone, if I were to do the same to them. What matters is to be aware anbd present when the other person is wanting to be there too. That's plenty important anyway.
Thank you for saying all this and giving me some self reflection. I always think my advice and experiences are so hard earned yet myself i always feel unheard when people through advice at me. Interesting stuff. You are master communicator.
Wow people just don’t know untrained ! This helps , I use to do that wanting to help!! I’m learning..
This was much needed for me. I need reminding about these things. Thank you so much. I do not want to be insensitive to others ❤
I found this video very helpful and especially how the actions tied to consequences structure. I want to go back through it with my notebook and practice each example. Thank you for sharing it with us 😊.
As usual excellent advice thank you. I've had botched surgery which has had a major impact on my life since. Yes, everbody seems to think they need to give unsolicited advice to the point that I simply avoid many of them now. In fact, having told one individual what happened, at their request I may add, and the fact that I'm now left with a condition that will progressively get worse I was told by her I needed to "move on" which obviously you can't when it's going to get worse and I cannot undo the damage. This has been a learning lesson on human beings believe me!!
I found out I have degenerative disc disease, and arthritis in my back. People are very dismissive, "🙄 EVERYBODY has arthritis in their back, Stacy!" Love my cat and my solitude!!
So very sorry this lack of empathy/understanding happened to you guys! Been there and know how it’s disappointing
@@stacyjaye6350 Sorry to hear this. Yes I've found animals a wonderful comfort in life too. Take care of yourself.
Omg this video is power-packed. Thank you!
What an incredibly helpful, eyeopening video FULL of nuggets of wisdom and practice! Life for me is connection, and wow did this illuminate how I may have inadvertently shut some of it down, and perfect ways to adjust and allow more in to be a better friend, mother, family member, etc
Wow, thanks for sharing! I'm so glad the video was helpful :) -Calista@TeamFairy
Anna, this is the most timely and practical topic for me yet! Thank you.
We're so happy to hear that! -Calista@TeamFairy
My take away is that it is nearly impossible to be attuned to others when frozen in disregulation from being traumatized. I watched my friends grow more distant from me as I've decompensated under malignant Narcissistic abuse in my home over the past year. It's probably due to my sharing the traumatic events and feelings with them to the extent that they are overwhelmed and clueless about how to support me anymore. I've watched as their lives have gone on with one another, and now they leave me out of their conversations. I feel alone now even when I'm with them, and I don't know how to bridge that gap.
I was avoidant and didn't know it. I realized it just last fall, so about a year ago. Recently I realized how deeply ingrained the flight urge, resistance to communicating vulnerability, and general lack of expressiveness about my complex inner emotional world to the person who needs to hear it, even if they're opening up to me. 😮😮😮
If people download their woes to me, i listen carefully and can relate to a lot of what they say. Why ? Because i have experienced a lot in life and not shyed away from things that most people would.
So if i notice where they might be going wrong, or how they might improve their situation, i will put it across to them as best i can.
That can be gently, or bluntly, or harshly, or i might think on it and converse with them later about it, even in an indirect way.
Sometimes all they might need is acceptance, or the chance to tell someone they can trust. It is often a type of "cry for help".
So i will try to help in some way.
I can often point things out to them.
Sometimes it feels like parenting, but in a good way. ( I know right... hard to find)
I might try to introduce humour. I might explain some psychology that i figured out from my own challenges.
I might sit there and say nothing, and for many people that might be what they should do.
I think i have enough of the necessary attributes to actually respond and offer some type of guidance.
Its not always what you do, but most often how you do it.
Many interactions require some degree of " breaking cycles".
Or counter-balancing bad influences.
So tor example, with the big bad menacing person, i might need to be fearless and frank wth them, because everyone else is too scared to.
I can give them honest parenting in subtle or blunt ways, that they might remember and be affected or guided by.
Often there is only so much you can do.
I might let them know that, "You can tell me everything or anything."
If i have useful things to say, having actually listened and considered, and having what i think are insights, because i do actually care, then i will respond accordingly.
If that does not work for them then its not a conversation.
If i think my insights won't help then i will keep it to myself.
If i think they are wasting my time, will never change, or are just using their problems to get leverage, then i will deny access, avoid, block, walk away etc.
Often you can waste hundreds of hours listening, unappreciated for doing so, and the person only gets worse.
Or they begin to resent you because you know too much. Or they find recovery and ditch you, like a used therapist, finding new friends who don't know and would never care.
Caring has a cost which can accumulate.
Definitely you need boundaries.
I am not the "nagging friend" who is unqualified, insensitive, ego-driven, bad at listening, with very limited life experience or lacking in parenting skills, can't even train a dog, all about what they want. No. I am me.
I am also not very judgemental in many ways and do not abuse privileged information or betray confidences.
Sorry it was long if anyone is reading this far. Best Wishes ☺️🤍🙋
LOL! "....unless they break the law, then we decide for them". Literally made my night. That's great!!😂
This was a really helpful video. Thanks.
I'm so glad the video was helpful! -Calista@TeamFairy
I agree about Emotional Regulation, growing up in a home where nobody held their anger in predisposes a person to Friend Loss because they literally do not know how to hold negative feelings in, in order to preserve the Peace and their friendship group. In addition, most likely they were never shown examples of how to keep a group of friends growing up and do not know what it is like, so don't have very many friendship skills. That being said, some people are just prima donnas and a$$holes and expect others to tiptoe around the tulips for them, and need a dose of reality. I'm not bending over backward for "friends" who are in a bubble of unreality and are acting crazy and expect me to go along with it. No former Prom Queens and Overgrown Cheerleaders for me, that bubble will get popped pretty quick LOL I love friends but especially these days, there seems to be a lot of strange things taking hold of people. Your best friend will always be your Money, and as long as you have it, you will always make another friend, so don't let anyone treat your poorly or make you believe that "you did something wrong" just for their own entertainment.
Emotional ambevelancy is intrinsic to human nature.
- My Freudian Principle
Wow, this is so helpful and for the first time, I'm realizing why I have a tendency to exaggerate. My husband noticed that I exaggerate my points but it's like Anna said about using it to be heard. Now in my adult life, it's not as effective and does undermine my credibility. These points feel both incriminating yet liberating to hear on the lack of attunement 😅 because I do them but now that I'm aware, I can actively work to not do them. Thank you Anna, I've been binge watching your videos for the last 6 hours since I discovered your channel!
Glad you are here! Good luck on your healing journey!
Nika@TeamFairy
I loved this video! So helpful with the examples!!
I try very hard to relate and cannot sometimes. When I was growing up, my brothers were getting their girlfriends pregnant and it was always a crisis. Would she keep the baby? Would they get married? Such drama. When I started attending a very conservative church, I saw someone from church at the grocery store and she told me she was pregnant and I shut up, out of respect and "appropriateness." It was only when I got back to my car that I realized she probably wanted to be congratulated. It had not occurred to me. Could I have been more clueless? I don't think so. Working on it.
Words to live by, Anna, thank you. ❤
Thank you
You are a gem
Aahh THIS VIDEEO. I wish to practice this with multiple people so that it actually gets ingrained in my persoanlity
Me too!!
I really needed to hear this right now. Thank you
There is so much to learn here. Thank you.
Glad you are here!
Nika@TeamFairy
Watching this video, I've seen alot of these traits in people I know, including my parents, and makes me realize just how broken they really were, and that they couldn't give me the childhood (or, in the case of people not in my family) friendship or love I've desired. I'm not perfect by any means but this has opened my eyes to things people have done to me, and made me realize that I was attracting people who were broken like me, even if I didn't know it at first. I just blamed myself for things, not really acknowledging that while I do have cptsd, the reactions I've had to their lack of attunement were actually rather normal. And of course, an excellent video into all the things not to do with people, that I'll definitely look out for ma'am
This is a helpful video. Many thanks, Anna.
Thank you, Anna! Very helpful video, as always.