There's Something Appealing About Partners Who Disappoint
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 21 ก.ย. 2024
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Trauma in your childhood gives you a blind spot that makes it easy to become attached to people who are AVOIDANT - they pull away when you try to pull close, they don’t GET it about being present for someone, or honoring them on special occasions. Avoidant people can do some parts of relationships really well, but over time, they can leave you feeling neglected, disrespected and alone. But what is it about them that makes it FEEL, at first at least, that it works so well? Is there something about their indifference that is HELPFUL to those of us with trauma? Is it even possible to be happy when someone seems to intentionally disappoint you all the time? My letter is from a woman I’ll call Marilyn, and she writes…
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Traumatized people like her are attracted to avoidant types because they don't scream and yell. They seem very calm and safe to be around. People like him tend to accumulate and hold onto grudges because he's unwilling to talk about something his wife did to upset him (unwilling to express his feelings or to ask her for an apology or to do anything else to try to mend the fence).
Wow, good point
I can relate to this, and you nailed it, Thanks! I broke free from an avoidant 3 months ago.
Oh my God, this actually makes a ton of sense.
I was crying listening to your letter. I was in this kind of relationship for 2 years. I finally had courage to leave. And I don’t regret it for a minute.
Just recently I met the man I love, and who loves me just as much.
Emotional closeness is important! You are not needy, you want normal closeness. Hopefully you’ll sort this out and find it eventually. I root for you!
A childhood walking on eggshells. Man, do I ever remember that one! Cortisol and I became best friends from then onward.
It's terrible that people with trauma end up getting into these relationships that lack intimacy, only to be told by others that they need to be even MORE flexible and go without the love they truly need. I'm so tired of hearing people online coddle avoidants when the other person is doing all the work to keep the relationship together. Ultimately, relationships with avoidant partners aren't worth it for people who want intimacy.
I agree
thank you, everyone babies avoidants and blame anxious ppl, do they not realize the intimacy anxious ppl seek is normal? what’s wrong with wanting to be DESIRED by the person you are with? society is so backwards nowadays, what happened to shame? everyone is so afraid of commitment
I was gonna comment the same thing! But I believe the fairy only said these raisonnable -self-sacrificing- advices because they have little children together. But the thing is these kids are gonna grow up with a depressed lonely mother and an avoidant father
Often, “avoidant” is now used in place of what we used to call ppl who make zero effort, are rude and unkind, and take others for granted - AHs! Not saying avoidant isn’t a thing, but not every guy who is a jerk or uninterested is avoidant.
100% agree! Get a divorce, dont become a mother he never had!! Its not your job, youve been a mother to your parents already, now its your time to get some love. The situation described in video is horrific!!!! He treats her relatives better than her and she needs to put more effort??? Dear Anna, you lost your touch. The author needs to run for the hills, not to try and grow a grown up man 🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
..but the fact that he treats everyone else ok…and her like crap? My opinion is no…I was married to an avoidant for 29 years…it was miserable…I spent that 29 years being extremely hurt…our 3 kids grew up…we did raise wonderful kids and I finally found happiness leaving him when I was 53. By ignoring me …I just finally had enough and all of a sudden after 29 years and me finally saying I wanted a divorce all of a sudden he was madly in love with me and he couldn’t live without me. 🙄. Too little and 29 years too late. I suffered so much emotional trauma from that. I think this guy needs to needs to adjust…not poor woman. . I never asked for much but a kind hello or maybe a little conversation…I was living in his emotional prison. Not acceptable. I escaped. I accept I made a mistake as I had childhood trauma too…but I realized it was never going to get better and by the age of 53….I needed freedom. Sorry…still a bit bitter from that experience. I am so happy now though. ☺️. Doing a wonderful man who is everything I never had.
Sending all my love 😢❤
Being treated like she doesn't or harldy exists among family --- forget about displays of romance for now, thát is deeply pernicious.
It's cruel, like he's ashamed of her. Why was this not further mentioned?
i agree.
My father was like this with us all. And I notice many of my peers fathers were too. They all think they are John Wayne and anything but being served and worshiped for bring money home was weakness and bizarre to them. They wanted the children kept out of their hair because that was the woman’s job and as my father used to say, “they had done their bit”. They just wanted to be left alone, served and given sex in exchange and I think just resented that they had to share their wages and therefore wanted their money’s worth. You grow up and you think it might be different for you inna different generation but after the honeymoon period- low and behold. I sometimes think this might be why some of our now youngest generation have given up and don’t do intimacy and commitment but just hook up and have the type of sex that as far as I can tell couldn’t be farther away from love if you try, it’s even aggressive and degrading in order increase excitement apparently. Horrible to me but perhaps realistic 🤷♀️
Agreed, no need to show "intimate feelings". She only wants him to acknowledge her presence.
Misery loves company. I hope she has the courage to leave... I won't do a relationship anymore like that. Happy married. And yes men can't read minds but if you tell him and he doesn't care. Run and don't look back...
I feel like the problem is not 50-50 here. Marilyn is already voicing her needs and hurts and he is either ignoring them or making excuses. If I were her I wouldn't put up with this for too much longer. She's not being unreasonable at all.
Anna didn’t say she was being unreasonable. She was talking about attachment styles. Someone with an anxious attachment can be very intense because their needs haven’t been met for so long and it often can be confronting for an avoidant person partner and it’s a dynamic that plays out. So both do need to make adjustments
@@traceychapman4825 why do you assume that Marilyn has anxious attachment style? Her wanting affection and emotional closeness seems pretty normal and secure to me.
@@kat_roses no, there was no claim that it was 50/50. She was just trying to give the best advice and since it's not the guy that's reaching out for advice all the advice has to go to the girl. Yeah, what he's doing is evil, but the crappy childhood fairy is trying to make people understand what the dynamic is and other than leaving, what the best thing to do would be.
@@prettywoman853 I never said it’s not normal. The video referred to the anxious avoidant dynamic. I didn’t comment on her needs being unreasonable at all. Simply commented on the dynamics that can play out with those attachment styles and simply commented that I don’t think Anna was lacking empathy or was too harsh. IMO
This is a great observation Anna - That avoidants' "emotional numbness" makes them a little better at handling the neediness of anxious attachment, and there is a "fitting" going on there. I do think often though - "Avoidant" and "anxious attached" are just hats people take turns wearing in a relationship, like polarity on a battery. Behind the scenes, avoidants are incredibly disregulated and lonely, and just appear more together because they are siphoning emotional energy off the people around them. It's on the anxiously attached person to stop the siphoning, but as soon as they do the avoidant person becomes anxiously attached seemingly out of nowhere. If one person in an avoidant - anxious attachment relationship makes real friends and heals that wound, it either breaks the relationship or forces the other person to also heal.
Emotional dependency describes both avoidant as well as anxious attachment just in different ways & the more emotionally mature of the pair is better off alone than the non attachment of the clueless avoidant
@@quiethours1818 “emotional neediness” comes from dating an avoidant, it doesnt come from inside. When we are in a relationship with a secure person - all of a sudden neediness disappears. Where did it go, if thats what a person is? People by nature are not needy, but because we believe we are - we keep choosing people that confirm to us that we are too much. However, once you meet the right person- you will finally breathe out and understand that it was your belief system that picked wrong people and not you being needy
What's so hard about this, (this dynamic was at play during my 17 year marriage and is again at play in my now-relationship) is that I desperately wanted a mate who paid attention to what delighted me and had an inner desire to (occasionally!) give that to me. Having to plant ideas is so demoralizing because it simply highlights that they don't notice you have needs and can't be bothered trying to please you. Especially if you do that for them (and, frankly are doing it 24/7 for kids) -- Like, they enjoy having the high beams on them, so why can't they put it together that you would like the same thing? Particularly if you have said so: "It really makes me feel loved when you check in with me or put your arm around me at family gatherings"..."I love flowers so much--I realize they die--but they absolutely light me up"..."I admire you so much when you discipline yourself to avoid thinking about work all weekend so we can both be present with the kids..." After you've stated a need, isn't the ball in their court to learn some new skills? I'm willing to learn skills for him, but he acts like he doesn't need or want anything from me.
demoralizing describes it exactly. i know this feeling.
100% & I feel like this is further toxified by the mantra of 'ask for what you need' in relationships. We definitely have to ask. But if there is no attempt at connection, no attempt to spend time & no intimacy, then you're just throwing yourself at a brick wall that only responds when you're borderline in-crisis, & only to tell you you're being unreasonable/uncommunicative. Which is gaslighting to the nth degree.
What I've always thought strange is does noone ever suggest this to these people? It's almost become culturally acceptable to treat yourself and other people neglectfully. It's actually promoted in adverts, films and TV. Have you seen Scummy mummies on TV? It's just a laugh on TV
Because it is how we were treated like that when we were kids and it feels like love...
Family was the enemy camp
I am the avoidant one for this exact reason.
A friend asked me about my new love: Does he feel like home? Or does he feel like what home is SUPPOSED to feel like.
🤦🏻♀️ Ugh!! Realized he DID feel 'like home to me' -- my childhood dysfunctional home -- NOT what family & love were supposed to feel like.
Anna, you are really so helpful. Thank you for all you do.
@@dianeatpeace337 Your friend asked the question I am going to ask myself from now on! Thanks to you and your friend for making it land here for us to read.
I found that the more I tried to mind my own business and focus on my own self care the more I attracted people who were disappointing. Being focused on personal goals and finding peace in being alone seems to either agitate or attract people who have less ambition or motivation to do the same for themselves... They either want you to share your success with them or tear you down to their level which is resting uncomfortably in the gutter.
Yep, especially in the beginning. Keep going in your own direction. In time there will be less of these individuals, you will spot them soon and they won't bother you so much.
is it that you are attracting people who are disappointing, or are your standards and self worth higher now? maybe you've removed the rose-colored glasses and now you see people as they really are? I know this is true for me but on the flip side, my real friendships have deepened even though there are fewer total friends in my life. I don't want to go back. but it can be a lonely place, to be on the healing path.
@kat_roses I understand what you mean it is also how I feel. I've been more discerning than ever since I know from personal experiences how important it is to be aware of the reason why we form friendships and relationships with others.
Many people seek out others for "connection," but that alone is not enough to fill the void that is our never-ending desire for authentic connections that are mutually beneficial.
I see an exchange of feelings or ideas like this between us as being more "authentic," for example, but then in practice, it is much harder to have that in real life with people who have expectations of us that often don't include being emotionally available. In other words, superficial partnerships that fall apart or lose their value because they had little purpose other than to fill that endless void temporarily.
Forming partnerships is like building a house. It starts with the foundation, and then everything else rests on top of it. There are too many sleeping in a dog house nowadays.
Feel it.. whatever it is with no judgment on yourself or others... and see what happens. You will find the pain along side the Peace that you really are. Grace. Thats who you are.. as well as the semingly other. I know.. i cried out and i asked.. what am I here for? In my mind i was looking for a way to be Gone from here... and the peace showed up a long side the pain and showed me that theres more to what I think is going on here.. You are not alone. I started looking at non duality teachings... that has saved me. The peace thst we really are above all our ideas about our seemiingly selves.
On having never left.. you are whst you're looking for.
Find the peace that you already are.. that's Grace!!
I feel exactly the same
You're not hearing her. She asks for what he wants. He's not giving it. He's avoiding it.
Im not sure about this. If both partners aren't willing to work on it, nothing will change and/or the anxious leaning will be walking on eggshells. Avoidants can have some pretty devastating deactivation strategies. I really think acknowledgement, individual therapy and couples therapy is a good place to start.
Avoidant people think anxious people have BPD or bipolar. They're THAT disconnected from emotional intelligence.
Im going through a friendship with an avoidant and you just kinda have to accept who they are, and that it has nothing to do with YOU. Its almost like an emotional exercise to me. My husband is a little bit avoidant and to get him to do kind things for me, I do them for him first. Show him how safe it is and how its done bc hes never experienced it. He is in fact very kind to me and provides a ton for me. Its just his way of showing love.
another part to this is that its a choice. You can choose to stay with that person and work with their avoidance, but you have to accept the very likely potential that they'll never change. If you don't accept that potential, you'll always struggle in the relationship. You can also choose to leave and find someone who's already done the work and is secure and can go to those emotional depths with you. I honestly don't think either is WRONG, it's just a choice an individual makes. But I know way too many women who are really struggling with avoidant partners who show no sign of changing or understanding their behaviors, and they just keep hoping things will change and they dont. Beautiful, intelligent, deep, self growth oriented women who deserve amazing, self growth oriented men.
@@thecommonsensecapricornexactly! Some things will never work out great and maybe instead of trying hard to tolerate this behavior that is hurting you day after day you could leave and be free to meet a person who will show you real love and help heal the little wounded child inside.
I ended an almost 30 yr friendship with an avoidant recently. I decided I would rather go completely without her than receive her continual disengenous breadcrumbs. She was very self-absorbed, loved to dangle plans that she never intended to follow through on. Doing anything for our friendship was like pushing a boulder uphill for her. I'd tried to speak with her many times and it went nowhere. It felt good to just shut that door.
Honestly they don't always give you a choice. You can "be with them" with them never around, or you can be without them with them never around.
I dumped a few months friendship with a woman who never took the initiative for anything would never call and it was about pulling teeth when talking to her. I have no patience nor energy. Either be there or not.
Ehhh honey…I feel like too much credit is given to the avoidant in this one…if you didn’t have the child, I’d just say run! Heck, you can still run.
She has issues too. In the beginning she claims he is a good guy who provides for her and the kids.... yet she still is miserable. I don't know I feel like sometimes us women have to be more realistic about what's obtainable in reality. Also maybe she can't find someone better? I mean that might sound harsh, but its true for many of us.
Altho I mostly like what she always says, this one left me a little unsatisfied. My poor mother, I'll call a rescuer, married a man, my father, 10 yrs. Her senior, who is definitely an avoidant. He died from cig smoking issues and left her nothing emotionally. She wondered if he loved her. No. He wasn't capable of that. She was only useful, and she was happy and eager to be that, being raised Mormon, but spent their rest of her widowhood life very angry, what did I get from this mentality? She gave and gave, gave up, deferred everything to him, lost herself, and cried many nights in her bed. Not his, hers. A cold, stepping on eggshells marriage. What then? Watching my parents anxious, avoidant marriage was so sad. I don't think my brothers noticed. Avoidant? Dysfunctional family.
What helped me in same situation with my husband is self love and detachment. I started to heal my inner child, i didn’t care a bit of what he thinks about my laziness. It was time. I’ve been married for 20 years and he was avoidant and blindfolded wich I tolerated all those years but in the end my nervous system got disregulated and I said fu… it. I had spiritual awakening a strong one. Since than he has changed categorically. He consider me as same as he considers our 3 boys. So GIRL give all that love to u and kids and let him think there something going on and see him shit his pants.
2:20 in, he sounds like he’s got ASD (Autism/Aspergers). If you know, you know. Once you learn about Autism, willing to make changes, you can begin to heal your marriage IF that’s what it is. Strong boundaries are required.
The amount of avoidants that are ASD…I’ve said this for years
Growing up without love I cannot imagine what it would feel like to be supported & protected much less encouraged rather than criticized because it’s just not familiar… when you are born into the enemy camp, life isn’t easy & surviving seems like the only goal. What’s love anyway after this dysfunctional existence? No idea!
Anna, I think your advice was diplomatic and shows how emotionally intelligent you are.
Marilyn, only knows if her husband is being intentionally cruel. There’s a huge chance if she leaves her husband, she’ll attach to the same type of partner or worse, if she doesn’t address her own attachment wounds.
This really spoke to me. I’m also in a deeply committed relationship with kids and stability… and husband is avoidant. Daily practice helps me so much. I’ve been using it for a few weeks and finding I’m much slower to being triggered… my husband does want to meet me in the middle… hasn’t happened yet but the desire is there.
It's interesting because Im in ACA and I see how different we all learned to cope. I would never be able to be with a man who treated me like this. My dad abused me, not my two sisters, because I was the fighter. I was the one who bared my teeth and told him to fuck off and stop picking fights cause he was drunk. I never stopped being a fighter. One of my best friends went through a similar upbringing and she's with a man who treats her awfully, calls her all types of names, and she's still struggling to leave him. I was with one man who treated me like shit and I grew to hate him as soon as he started treating me that way. I was stuck living with him until I got stuff together but as soon as I could go, I verbally annihilated him, and never looked back. My pattern is men who are loving & loyal but still emotionally unavailable. They treat me really well but never talk about their feelings or innermost thoughts/fears/desires. They don't ask me questions to understand me on a deeper level. And they just tend to be avoidant in life. Like both of my LTR's were with men who rarely want to do things, socialize, connect with others. They just want to stay in their bubbles and isolate, frankly. This is how my parents are. But I wonder why I learned to hate someone who abuses me, rather than love them like other people who got abused.
Anna’s advice can work. My husband and I both came from abusive backgrounds. What she described with the situations and how we both decided to compromise really did help, in many ways even more then counseling, which we did have.
Also, it did greatly improve once our children were older and has continued to improve as our 4 children grew up and out. It is soo true that we are perfectly matched as she explained. We just celebrated our 37th anniversary and my husband, the previously avoidant one, said it was just as good as our honeymoon!
I was surprised by his comment but
I happily agreed. Our marriage and relationship continues to grow and deepen every year. ♥️🙏🏻♥️
What happy news! Thanks for sharing this. Happy anniversary!
I think a surprise gift is the way to go. One doesn't know when, one isn't expecting it, and it has total impact on one's soul. Unlike, Valentine's or birthday gifts, etc., which are token. Consider that there are 365 days to treat someone with a nice little something. Each day is just as special and important as the next. Today is the day.
Yeah definitely
The fairy's advice is flawless. She sees things from every angle and can read between the lines like no other. These videos are my advice hotline for all things interpersonal - the hardest thing for us to navigate.
Just smiled so big when you mentioned the Before Trilogy! Taste recognizes taste! ⛅️
I'd highly doubt it if she is the anxious type, otherwise she would have been frustrated 10 years ago. She wouldn't be able to tolerate it for a decade. Probably a shy but not so anxious person who's just realized her energy being drained by the avoidant who cannot pretend romance.
i learned to be avoidant from being tormented by the frustrated emotions of others who think i'm stupid because i'm quiet (suspected missed autism diagnosis). i will NEVER be able to get along with people who pair responsibility with emotions, we have to be able to discuss important things out in the open with full accountability and consent, cut and dry, instruction style, or i simply shut down and experience dissociation until everyone gets themselves back under control. as long as i'm sure i'm not gonna be the designated emotional punching bag, i'm a fully-present social butterfly. i just can't handle being scapegoated all of a sudden, there's not enough time or resources to help anyone.
We need to stop renaming things out of “Kindness”. If you look up what “Avoidant” is, the word “COWARD” is a part of the definition. What can’t we use that word instead. Maybe they will finally step up cuz cowardice is a VERY unattractive trait/word and who would be ok with THAT as a label? Anyone who is, shouldn’t get the privilege of being around people, cuz they are dangerous people.
If avoidance is so unattractive, why do anxious people cling so hard?
@@edgeofthewaterfall I recommend you watch this very video. Anna herself states it plainly, avoidants and the anxious are attracted to each other’s weaknesses. Anxious people want to please and avoidants won’t leave because that’s too much work.
Ghee, we indure inheritance neglegt, until we figured it out we are avoidant tool. Don't figure your partner out, figure yourself out first.
I think if it weren’t for the children it would be nice if she could get out. I often feel it’s always down to the woman to settle and just serve in her role. What is so sad is that couples were probably once “in love” and because of that they want to spend the rest of their life together but the minute they marry / move in it’s start’s to be all over. It almost like a trap. People then say it is unrealistic to have romance, connection and intimacy in real life, well why get together on those grounds. I kind of get way other cultures and historically people just had arranged marriages for purely practical reasons as it just ends up that way anyway but I can’t bare my body used as part of a business deal. That might be why I have always kept myself big and unattractive and single. Lonely but safe.
I haven’t meet many men who weren’t socialised to be like this anyway. Traditional ideas around “masculinity” would knock anything “sentimental “ right out of them if it was there in them.
If it wasn’t for people’s need and the expectations or of other to have children maybe there would be less appeal, Idk.
I can resonate with much of her letter.
Glad you're here :) -Calista@TeamFairy
I really appreciate this objective response Anna. So often the avoidant is demonized and the anxious person is coddled in a way that's not helpful for either party or the relationship.
I just finished reading the book "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents" so this idea might be primed in my mind. It sounds like both of you don't have or use the tools to be in a secure relationship. I can emphasize with that, lm lacking most of the relationship tools too.
To me, the greatest gift a woman can give a man is a clear and concise explanation of exactly what you want and what it looks like when you get it. This is so you both know. If what you want changes, say so in the same detailed way as before. If you currently are unable to be clear and concise, wait until you can be. Most issues in life can wait five minutes. No one can help you if you don't want them too.
So, basically, issues between two traumatised people, right? In theory, anyhing but secure attachment style would be a product of early trauma, as I understand it 🤔
Sadly, it sounds like her husband doesn't like her. It seems like they don't even have a friendship, let alone, a partnership. Attachment style is pretty irrelevant if this is the case.
If anything, maybe she is avoidant one (with her having a dream idea of what their relationship should be, but possibly it never was that; and also her concern about romance when they don't even seem to have the friendship portion of the relationship).
Her trying to make connection with her husband reminds me of a customer who tries really hard to get a customer-service rep to get more chatty than necessary--the customer rep ends up avoiding eye contact or saying anything extra so the customer won't have more to cling onto.
The husband mentioned his discomfort of showing affection in public, yet he doesn't show affection in private. So that excuse can't be it.
Nothing in her letter pointed to their ever having a connection. Just that the shell of the relationship is good (he makes decent money, they own a house, they have two kids).
I wonder if her daydreams of a perfect marriage, etc. included what true connection would entail (communication, transparency, understanding and relating, collaboration, being on the same page, speaking the same language, emotional maturity, loving each other's company and input, protective of each other and the relationship, proud to be together etc.)
If I were her, and was going to stay in this marriage, I'd just deal with the husband with practical things; and find some supportive friends. The more she tries to connect with him, likely the more annoyed he's going to be with her.
It's important to note that wanting close connection, friendship and romance in a partnership is perfectly logical and valid. But this can't happen with people who don't like us, no matter how hard we try. (It's definitely a childhood trauma thing where we believe we can change other people into seeing us, loving us, wanting us. And picking the people who are the least likely to do so)
Thanks for mentioning those movies! Love them❤. Now I have to check to see if I've seen all three of a Trilogy or just the first two :-).
Wow, i learnt something new today ty. I would have been like goodbye someone else will love me if you wont but kids slow down your horses. Everyone has trauma and only if they truly care for your needs and desires we can make it work
Two words .. SELF CARE!!
I was attracted to my FA girlfriend because she was very independent & and self-sustaining.
Can someone be loving to begin with but become avoidant over time?
I remember thinking that although after everything ive been through, one day someone would look at me and instead of seeing rubbish, they would see a treasure.
I thought I found that but it changed pretty quickly and now even despite me telling my husband what I need he does not seem care and even my daughter is asking me "why does he never hug you?"
I feel like this is tied to limerance. Somewhat. 🤔
Truth
Limerance is only defined by the feelings being unrequited- otherwise it would be a good thing to feel. Limerance doesn't exist its just not moving onto someone who will returns them
Her husband might be autistic. I dated an autistic narcissist and learned how to spot ASD behaviors.
Everyone benefits from watching this one, even extroverts! Lol
Nobody can be emotionally there for you 100% of the time. It's unrealistic to expect that from any spouse.
Yeah, but ignoring your existence and having a log for a partner isn't ok either.
My husband is. He was an avoidant but once he saw that he can lose me he changed or maybe he awakened lol but yes we need to be smart and love ourselves cause they know no boundaries.
I genuinely am so frustrated and giving up on relationships and friendships. I just can’t keep getting attached to the wrong people. I’m so mentally and emotionally exhausted. I’m so sad and so lonely but I just want to be alone. I just don’t know what to do anymore.
We absolutely understand and it's easy to be discouraged when we struggle with CPTSD. If you'd like to try the Daily Practice (a free course, it can be a good first step to healing. If you want to go deeper, Anna has a whole course on Healing Childhood PTSD.
Free Daily Practice: bit.ly/CCF_DailyPractice
Healing CPTSD course: bit.ly/CCF_HCPTSD
Nika@TeamFairy
I think there is a distinct difference between avoidant and love. This is NOT love...I don't care or know if it is avoidance byt definitely do not stay where you are not appreciated, celebrated or loved. Even if he is an avoidant.
This was such an unfair response Anna. You're basically telling her to just suck it up nd accept being treated like shit. You did mention she could leave but you're almost guilt tripping her into "staying for the kids". I personally think this was horrible advice and lacked empathy for her situation.
I have to agree. I don't think he's going to change, she's already expressed how his actions or lack of thoughtfulness make her feel. he's got excuses and just doesn't seem to care. In my opinion, Anna was telling her to give up and crap-fit herself to this guy. Doesn't sit right with me. I know there's a difference between instagram love and real life but this guy is so low effort. She would be happier just loving herself, without trying to get it from him.
@@kat_roses exactly. He literally ignores her and acts like she's not there. He dismisses the things she expresses she needs from him and acts like she's not important, then she's told to go seek out companionship outside whilst he must just "try harder"...whatever that means. And you're absolutely right, she's being told to crapfit herself. The issue here isn't his avoidance, it's his unwillingness to do anything about it, and she's supposed to "accept who he is". What???
She was clearly empathetic reading the letter and in responding. Because she suggested flexibility from both? Relationships involve two people and they both need to do work. Things aren’t static - good v bad, right v wrong, it’s a relationship and it’s dynamic. She gave her hope. Plus an anxious attachment does tend to put a lot of needs on another person. It is good advice to get more support and connections
I'm half-and-half on this. There are real and measurable consequences for breaking up a family. Somtimes it is better to stick it out and mitigate whatever damage you can.
@@robertdeskoski9783 i never said she should immediately leave or leave at all. I just think saying "he's avoidant, get used to it" is so harmful.
After ten years of marriage it will be very difficult to turn the tides.
"Meeting in the middle" is theoretically possibile IF there is consciousness and willingness from the other side.
It depends completely from that other person.
I’m so sad you never get to read my letter to you. That means I will keep suffering from my pain
you tell him to shape up, or ship out
With two small children? My advice is to empathise with him first and see if the root of his behaviours can be found. Maybe he has unmet needs that are making it hard for him to meet hers?
Her needs being unmet is painful and I do sympathise; still, I caution against becoming a single mom over coldness in public and mismatched love languages until all other options are exhausted.
She gave excellent advice!
Oh my gosh my childhood exactly minus the father in the home. I wished for all of those things . Sending 💕
Geat answer Anna.
What about couples therapy if both parties are willing? I feel like that would also help them understand each other and change their approach.
Probably be too much for the avoidant...
We did after 5 years I found out he was living a secret life ( on the day we met ) the betrayals and lies. Hidden addictions and an LO he had had for years; long before me. Sexting ; pictures and in person meets when he frequented the place to pick up products. She wasn’t interested in him romantically; just attention. I did so much for this man; while he just gave me crumbs. At first I was love nuked until I moved in 2.5 years later. Then the devaluing came in. Slowly. Woke me up and after two years of couples therapy; he was released by therapist as he wasn’t willing to do the deep hard work. He tried repairing the emotional wounds by buying me things. He ran and hid and drank when I was crying from all the betrayals. He was diagnosed with a very extreme DA attachment style who also leans extreme FA. There are some seriously deeper issues and behaviors / traits going on that lean towards narcissistic style.
After years of therapy and working hard 😓 on the relationship; therapist said I’m paying the bill for his past relationships and childhood trauma. I know how Marilyn is feeling. The bids for connection dismissed. intimacy as far as sex goes is always just to please him he has no interest in giving me any pleasure and it’s never face to face. He’s not into kissing and doesn’t want to do anything but sit and drink or fix things / never ending projects. He’s never happy; highly critical and extremely judgmental of others. Recently had major surgery and day and half in I’m pumped full of pain killers; he started baiting me into an argument about the pettiest of things. I can’t control others yet he wants me to. People aren’t even doing anything wrong. He just gets on these hate ons and holds grudges for certain people and it can change if they behave or do things he respects. He accuses others of what he does or is. He has an underlying anger about everything. We all walked on eggshells. Not anymore! I stayed in therapy and I am healing ❤️🩹 on my own. Lonely but I have created a simple life outside of this relationship to keep me from being too lonely. It does hit sometimes and I feel the loneliness and would love some genuine romantic connection. Never experienced it. Thought I had it with him and ex husband but they were actors wearing a mask.
Tell her the Truth. Tell her they have known each other for 10 years. Kids have only only arrived now. Tell her if
If he could not even try to meet her needs for the last 10 years he will not meet them for the next 10 years too. People don't change for others they change for themselves. And he is not interested in changing. Chances are she has told about her needs many times and.... Her best chance is to exclude the expectation
I had enough with avoidants.... So I no am no longer interested with a relationship....
Unintentionally? I think not.
I'm not sure if the advice to be 'more flexible " is doable. It sounds like she's on her wits end. But coming from a relationship with someone who was also like this , yes they can TRY a bit with affection and things like this . BUT they are terrible with CONFLICT. AND sadly their response to conflict is deep rooted in intense mommy issues and terrible childhood upbringing. Inasmuch as I Don't want to promote separation, it might end up being that just so u stay sane.
Wow, did this ever hit home. 😢
Glad you're here :) -Calista@TeamFairy
😢Be your own best friend...
Thanks
hahaha i’m surprised you love the before trilogy given how fast they move on that first night they meet! not crappy childhood fairy approved! but i adore those movies
Because I am one 😅
To me it sounds like she is already stating her needs. It sounds like she is wanting intimacy with her husband and it is not being reciprocated. Fairy’s advice is good but I feel it lacks a bit this time. To me this advice was on the verge of telling her that it was her responsibility to put her needs aside to some degree.
I’m married to a dismissive avoidant. It is not easy but it does work. Mainly because of my putting my needs aside for so long. After our kids were grown and gone everything hit the fan. He now realizes he’s avoidant and is working to change and grow as he now sees how destructive that is. That took 30+ years though and not everyone can wait that long (I personally can’t believe I did).
Knowing what I know now I would do a LOT of things differently and being so flexible would be one of the things I would have changed. No marriage is ever 50/50. That’s life. But it should go back and forth depending on the needs of the marriage and times. Each partner has to show up for the other.
It sounds like he may be equating provide for his family with being a good husband. He may have no clue that there is an emotional need there. I am not making excuses for him. But men are often taught by society that if they provide well that they’ve done right by their family and that is where meeting needs ends.
Can an avoidant be attracted to an avoidant?
I think she and others have said yes they can, but it’s more typically anxious/avoidant rather than avoidant/avoidant because the two avoidants typically don’t open up in the first place. Same with anxious/anxious? It’s a push and pull dynamic w the two opposites and that’s why they get stuck. When it’s two of the same, they have the same issues and just fizzle out rather than push/pull
Yes, I was there but it ended quickly. First I was chasing, then when I've stopped the other person chased and it was too much for me and it ended right there.
I am avoidant and my ex was also avoidant. It was the longest relationship I had.
I was very attracted to him and felt safe with him because he's the only guy who was okay with the amount of personal space and alone time that I needed. Every other guy would try to force himself into my space and didn't care about my boundaries, especially the anxious guys.
@@paracoco1761: They often are. And then they dissipate because you end up roommates.
@@robertdeskoski9783 What roommates? I have never allowed a man to live with me, and I never will. 🤷♀️
What if one doesnt have as many friends or friends close and intimate enough to "fullfill" some of those needs? Or if one wants some needs fullfilled by their spouse?
Nice video, I'm still struggling with the end of my 7-year relationship. My significant other, who I considered to be the love of my life, left me a month ago, and I can't seem to shake the constant thoughts of him. Despite my efforts to bring him back into my life, nothing has worked, and I feel frustrated and hopeless. I've tried to move on, but my heart still longs for him, and I don't see myself with anyone else. I apologize for sharing this here, but I just can't seem to stop missing him.
It's hard to let go of someone you love; I went through a similar experience when my 12-year relationship ended. I tried everything to get him back, and eventually I had to turn to a spiritual counselor for assistance.
Interesting! How did you locate a spiritual counsellor, and how can I get in touch with him most effectively?
His name is Father Obah Eze, and he is a great spiritual counselor who can bring back your ex.
he is father obah eze, he has great powers, he can help you.
Thank you for this valuable information, i just looked him up now online. impressive
Wow I just looked Father Obah Eze on the net he’s very legit thanks once again ❤
I don't think it is much fair because they at start pretend their personality. (Similar like narcissist but not the same. HOWEVER (!) Its much harder to get over avoidant than narcissist because avoidants are not so sick as narcissists are so you kinda can grasp the fact that narc is insane. But avoidants keep playing this shining star they believe they are (not like narc who knows deep down they are shitty person). Avoidants at start are so charming, so bubbly, clam to be SOOOOO empathetic!!! Just to find out later they can't even acknowledge their action hurted you, they can't even look at things from your point of view, they label you as pushy (when it was them who didn't reciprocate), he sucked me in by asking me for opinion on his issue, then kept venting to me, sent me 4 longer messages him venting, I took my time to respond & support, then he didn't respond back for whole day, prioritized woman who didn't have his back as I had. Total disrespect! Claimed he slept whole day - when that was lie, kept defending his lie, painted me rude for calling him liar, said it is personal assault when I am painting him bad. Later said he wanted to take extra time to respond me in depth, then later said he only wanted to vent things = as to get off his chest and he didn't want any response or support.... But remember how this all venting started? It was HIM who asked me for opinion on something and then kept venting to me....! Avoid avoidants for all cost. Someone once named then "baby narcs" and it suits them. But baby narcs are more deadly / dangerous than real narcissists. It's true. I encountered several narcissists and even when they totally crashed my soul, I never was so destroyed as avoidants can do.
Isnt it a bit unprofessional to post "therapy " videos on youtube, of which could apply to anyone or just one person. Usually this kind of advice should be highly personal, individualized and intimate not generalized for thousands, particularly if it is opinion based rather then scientific
Confrontational?
I'm not attracted to them they just seem to be the only people in the dating pool. Imagine being a gay woman in a small city. Like really, options are so limited, people are rare to come by. When you do heal attachment wounds and you are a complex person you want someone on your level. Unfortunately the dating pool is full of avoidants regardless of what you're attracted to its still traumatising going through that experience over and over again. If you're straight then you must have a lot better chances of coming across securely attached people
Technically I guess that is true. But one has to be attracted to securely attached people to begin with. So many people carry their own damage around so they can't even notice the good ones.
how do I know I have Ctpsd? this all seems very unscientific and whimsy. I can relate to what you are saying but it just. feels like criticism and isn't this normal
Me explained ❤
👏🏼
Hi Anna!!, can we still send you letters?
Yes! You can submit it here: bit.ly/CCF_Letters
Nika@TeamFairy
What is the point of listening to these? They just depress me more. It doesn’t help for you to point out everything wrong with me.
Is he an avoidant, or is she insatiable?
You may not find happiness in this life... maybe in your next manifestation.
All the answers are actually in this book, Holy Bible. (holy=quodesh=dedicated) Dedicated to our Creator.
Sabbath at sundown for those that follow Yeshua Ha Mashiach and what he taught.
Yeshua followed and taught .. that which Moshe was taught on Mt Sinai.
I love Linklater's Trilogy, too ! 🥰
Self care 🧖♀️
I think if it weren’t for the children it would be nice if she could get out. I often feel it’s always down to the woman to settle and just serve in her role. What is so sad is that couples were probably once “in love” and because of that they want to spend the rest of their life together but the minute they marry / move in it’s start’s to be all over. It almost like a trap. People then say it is unrealistic to have romance, connection and intimacy in real life, well why get together on those grounds. I kind of get way other cultures and historically people just had arranged marriages for purely practical reasons as it just ends up that way anyway but I can’t bare my body used as part of a business deal. That might be why I have always kept myself big and unattractive and single. Lonely but safe.
I haven’t meet many men who weren’t socialised to be like this anyway. Traditional ideas around “masculinity” would knock anything “sentimental “ right out of them if it was there in them.
If it wasn’t for people’s need and the expectations or of other to have children maybe there would be less appeal, Idk.