Try to always take a step back and ask yourself if the feeling is coming because of an expectation that you had of the other person doing or saying something and not because they are unappreciative. Also remember that people also have things going on in their lives and if they did do something to offend you it probably wasn't intentional, particularly if that is not how they behave.
@@VideoCesar07 Three big take aways! 1.) You have a 7, 5 and 2 yo.... wow !! 2.) You usually mostly push me out of my zone of comfort to examine myself. 3.) Recognizing the vibrations of resentment from my primary environment in areas where it bleeds over into other parts of my life!
1. Get curious and ask yourself 2. Give yourself what you think you're needing and silently expecting from others. Feel fulfilled, it can be in your hands - that's allowed.
The ending was so profound regarding holding on to resentment. Any suggestions for someone who will not let go and keeps harboring ill feelings for more than a decade?
This is so true. , In your example of driving , I expected to hear the word trust , the expectations would have been less would it not if the trust is stronger from the bigger picture of the relationship day to day. I feel I would do the same because my day to day has little trust . After all I was with a BPD / covert NPD and am trauma bonded severely now. More on that later in your comments of videos .
Actually I have gotten resentment from my "friend" when I did nothing wrong. There is two sides to resentment. Sometimes it's justified and sometimes not
I agree 100%. I resent my sister in law more than anyone else. I've tried to work on myself, but the hate I feel for her just builds and builds. She's the coldest most arrogant person I know. She has no empathy or sympathy. The fact that she expected that I was there for her when she had issues with her husband - my brother, but when I've been struggling getting out of a destructive relationship, suffering with trauma, trying to parent traumatized children and on top of that dealing with serious illness - she's not been there even 1%, she's talked behind my back, ne et been supportive, never showed my kids any love.. It feels like she kicked me when I was laying on the ground crying. I know my resentment for her is poisonous to myself, but I can't seem to get rid of it... And I agree with you that when people are disrespectful it's best to cut them loose and stay far away, especially if it's a more than one incident situation. It's such a huge sign of personality disorder like narcissism. I wish I could move far far away from them. When I don't have to deal with them I'm fine. The resentment just comes up if I have to deal with them. It's driving me mad. I want to let go of it. I resent her more than I resent my exe who abused me... That's how much she hurt me.
Not everybody has trouble communicating or being honest in their relationship. Resentment can exist when you have fully and openly verbalized your every thought and feeling numerous times over.
That's the current situation I'm in. If they don't take you seriously the first few times(and it shouldn't even be that many) then they don't care. Step away and move on. If its family, then set boundaries and don't spend too much time with them.
I believe when someone has wronged you and you resent them,they know they just don't care you are left with the left over anger that usually builds up because the person refuses to acknowledge what they have done to you....
@@kaylawilson1999 Thank you,Kayla I'm working on my resentment,I pray ,journal ,I use to do thearpy now I just ask God to help me.Thanks so much for your considerate words.May God bless you and yours....🙏🙏
I think there's a certain point it needs to be clearly state. I was screamed at down the phone for 5th time. I won't answer now. People lost respect when I tolerated the behaviour.
Hi Curtistine, You are loved and valued always. Just one concern regarding the phrase "they don't care". Sounds like an assumption to me, and assumptions are not facts. The Bible says in 1 Corinthians 13:12 that right now we see as through a mirror dimly (in part), down the road we shall see everything with perfect clarity (to know fully) as we are fully known. God bless you.💝
"Don't expect so much of other people and you won't be disappointed as much," my first husband once said to me. Over 30 years later, I haven't forgotten that. I no longer expect big favors or even small ones from anyone, even my family. I used to resent them for allowing me to be homeless. But now I rely solely on myself and God. Thanks, Julia, for the enlightenment. You rock!
u have 2 expect more! if u stay in the same gear or same lane u can't expect different results... find ur boot straps n pull w/all ur might n look beyond ur box... much ❤ fr one who has survived the change... it will happen if u persist!
Thank you for sharing. Also, much respect to you for overcoming homelessness. It is so great of you to forgive that from family. Be well and much blessings
I hear you Jey. Resentment is a broad topic, some situations are more serious than others. She touched on that briefly at the end. Majority of this video is for less serious cases, such as her example with her husband. Please reach out, I could use support too. Big hugs
So true. The author of the video never thought of a scenario when for example : you are falsely accused of an atrocious act by someone you loved or cared about. It is not about difference in values. To falsely accuse someone is wrong everywhere. Then, resentment becomes self-preservation.
Resentment can motivate one to protect oneself and set boundaries. I just listened to a talk by Jordan Peterson. But, we must use it wisely. Every emotion is valid.
I agree. The mantra of always forgive everybody all the time and never resent is unrealistic. As you say emotions and feelings should be respected and not artificially ignored or removed. Sometimes resentment is entirely fitting.
Resentment can be also a sign that is time to walk away -like if a person is always giving you this feeling. I struggle with my resentment towards my mom since she is very absent and most of the time only cares about her problematic boyfriends, it's hard not to feel resentful
I love the analogy of “drinking poison and hoping the other person dies” That is so true...theoretically...I had so much resentment towards my parents for years and one day I just let it go...it is freeing...now I occasionally have resentment towards my husband for not doing things or saying things I expect him to say or do...which is not fair to him...”outsourcing your happiness” to others...man that hit home!
By resenting someone.. you're giving them your power. It boils down to a person not doing what you wanted them to. I think a key to releasing resentment is accepting that other people will not always do what you want/expect them to do. People will make mistakes...and that's okay. Communication is key. Thank you for this video. I watched resentment corrode my mother and sisters relationship.
i.e. lower expectations. I am a high achieving person and thus my expectations of those around me are really high. I have to constantly remind myself to tone it down a bit. And that is ok that other people don’t have expectations that match mine. This video really speaks to me.
@@jenshark4 one thing is the expectations you project on someone and other thing is your own expectations. You should lower the expectations you have of other people. But you can aspire to be the greatest of all time.
I’ve been resentful towards my daughters for not showing an interest in my life. They’re both adults and have their own lives. Guess I’ll start focusing on being more interested in my own life.
I´m sure that in the moment your daughters realize that you are focusing on yourself, they are going to show more interest in you, but probably will be too late.
Lack of self respect and responsibility, to me, are two of the big key drivers to resentment. It's understandably very tempting because it's gratifying in the short term to relinquish politeness/self-respect and responsibility by lashing out to show dominance and demonstrating how malicious you can be if you don't get your way so that no one can dare challenge and "mess with you"... but the problem is that it creates further problems and/or aggrevates the existing problem even more and that can lead to unnecessary disasters - because the more you engage in it (which you will if you just leave it alone and unconsciously), the stronger and worse it gets and can get extremely destructive and abusive and potentially murderous. It's a vicious cycle; a feedback loop that incrementally builds as you habitualise it. So... leaving it unaddressed for long enough and it's highly likely that the harboured bitterness and resentment can manifest itself unconsciously such as direct or indirect revenge on others, and escalating into worse matters such as extreme abuse. To resolve it, you have to address it as soon as possible and that's firstly through painstakingly consulting with your own conscience and, if it helps further, you can discuss it with others such as your partner, friend, family member, therapist, etc. so that, rather than using him/her to think and/or do things for you (which takes your gift of independence away as well as unnecessarily burden the other person with things they're not responsible for - it's a insufferable situation for both of you), he/she can instead help you to think out loud for yourself by listening and reflecting back on your thoughts. To me, the key is reclaim responsibility for your own wellbeing and the complicated processes that come with it, and then go from there and articulate the issue and then find ways to resolve it psychologically and practically. Could be a thoughtfully inspiring self-discussion ripe with potential new opportunities from here on in (learned and accounted from that experience in the past), or doing/creating something that simultaneously makes the matter less worse and offers some optimistic pathway forward that can benefit yourself in many multidimensional ways and, even better as a consequence, also the people around or involved with you too. And it has to be underpinned by the intention to negotiate/self-negotiate towards mutual peace rather than looking to win and dominate, regardless of whether you're right or wrong, etc. Who knows... with many more years of practice, as well as psychological and philosophical excavation and evaluation of past experiences, it's possible that you may end up justifying the underlying deeply rooted issues and address that "hot temper" and the source of it. More often than not, it boils down to the proposition that life is undeniably unfair and full of suffering (because at some point or another, we've all been wronged and endured tragedy to some degree or another which has internally shaped us - and then it's about how to respond to that "shaping")... the question is how the hell we can justify it in a way that can be helpful and useful to us and also more likely to avoid falling into unnecessary pits that you can then see after hindsight and enlightenment from these past known and yet-to-be-known experiences.
I’m excited for this video, I’ve gone through periods of resentment before and I’m never doing it again!! Resentment only torments the person holding the grudge, not the person or people it’s directed towards!! I hope you have a great day! 💜
I feel this strongly. I entered the in law family for 5 years and then the co sister in law just pops up after dating my husband's brother for 6 months. I was so excited to be friends with her but she immediately was cold to me. She wouldn't reciprocate any type of communication or connection I tried to make with her. What really began the resentment was how the in laws began to treat her. They treated me very cold and distance from the start, never tried to get to know me, won't put any effort to communicate with me or hang out. I just chalked it up to us not being compatible or they are just defensive and don't know how to act around me or they're not good at talking to new people. But then in walks this new girl and immediately it was like the president had just married in to the family. They text and call her all the time, they go out to eat, they travel hours away to see her when I live 10 mins away, they chat so well with her and actually have conversations with her that aren't superficial. Whenever I'm with them together they just shove down my throat how much more connected they are to the point that I resent this girl soo much. I question what I did to them, what I could've said or maybe I'm just not good enough. I tried mimicking what she does and it didn't make a difference and it made me feel fake and like it really is that they just hate me for no reason. Now I have to sit back and watch them plan for her wedding and dress shop when the in laws couldn't even be bothered to care about my wedding. The mother in law bailed on my bachelorette party that she wanted to plan for me which ended up never happening. She never showed up to my fittings. They left my wedding early. So yeah I'm envious and resentful because what is so special about this sister in law that no matter what she does she's perfect, I have to only hear about her and how amazing she is when I try to hang out with them, she gets everything I've ever asked for which is just love and inclusion. I have no idea how to unpack it because they are people that will not listen to reason and very fixed to their ideas, I can't just ignore them because they emotionally guilt me and my husband for distancing ourselves even thought they don't value us when we're around, and they see no faults in their own actions.
Wow! I'm so sorry that you're going thru that. I hope that you can find the strength to get past their rejection and just continue to live life with your husband within your very own happy place. Sometimes family can be so disingenuous and it's nothing you can do about that. Unfortunately 🙄 Sending you peace and blessings ❤️
To be honest with you, I would just cut that off and try to be happy myself and my husband, you married him not them, if you feel bad and uncomfortable and belittle, cut that off, you deserve peace and being treated right by the people who surrounds you. I cut that off and idgf 😀😀😀
Exactly how my in laws have done me! After 20 years, I'm still not good enough. But they just adore my husbands ex wife who cheated on my husband and was a dead beat mom while I raised her 2 children for her. My husband wonders why I'm so bitter and send him alone to his family gatherings. And my don't they just love posting all the photos of the great time they all had while I wasn't there! It's sick really. These people are mental. If I had to guess, just like in my case, these people are jealous. I'm sure you are an amazing lady and your light is blinding those demons. At least that's what I tell myself. Stay strong and may God richly bless you!
Very sorry for the pain they've caused you. I have a similar situation with my partner's daughter in law, a shallow and selfish girl who comes to my house and ignores or disrespects me repeatedly. And everybody loves her because she took on my partner's eldest, who is borderline and a real piece of work. I've been told he is growing tired of her self-importance, but I wouldn't want them to split, they have a baby. I just don't want to ever have to see her again.
Thank you Julia. This was an eye opener for me. I am once again reminded that I am responsible for myself and my needs. Your videos have increased the quality of my life. Thank you for sharing your insights, your personal experiences and your knowledge with us.
Thanks, Kristina. I was seething toward my husband when I pulled this up, and your video really helped. Honestly, I really appreciated giving myself a verbal affirmation. As a mom, people seldom notice all you pour out, so it’s nice to remind yourself out loud that you’re doing great.
I love the thought of giving yourself positive reinforcement and kudos for a good job or deed. We can be so hard on ourselves and then we can project that onto others. Your helpful words always come at the right time. Thank you for the welcome and wise insight, Julia!
Yes, I like the part where we need to step back, give "yourself" the credit for what you achieved.. Validation is not dependent upon someone else performing the validation.. Many times it is between you and God...He will never forget and always sees the the heart you gave..
Everything connected to me. This came at the right time for me as well. Working on a 12 step program and already did my 4th step which is writing out all resentments. We're always reminded that expectations are future resentments. On step 9 now which is about making amends to people I have wronged and one of them is someone I have HUGE resentments against and have kept me stuck on this step for months now. I know that most likely they will never recognize or apologize for what they did to me so this video has helped me refocus on having to make amends to what I did to them, not what they did to me.
I’m three minutes in. Are you seriously telling me women at large do not know that I want them to find me attractive and that I want to find them attractive in a mutual exchange. They do know, we all know. I agree, resentment is unmet expectations, and human desire is a core expectation. That is all resentment is here. It’s not drinking poison, it’s not about knowledge and awareness. It’s constant, lifelong negative reactions by the same people that cause you to dislike them.
Hi Julia, I want to thank you for this video. I have been struggling with the most terrible thoughts because of all the resentment I have toward my family, in specific my father. He's my father so my expectations were what a daughter should get from their father. I find myself having the hardest time forgiving and letting go of this anger. I was in a bad place in my mind and I live in my head most of the time. I just came across your video today for the first time. The resentment is a huge burden I carry everywhere and I find myself trying not to feel this way. It is not easy. I am responding over reacting most of the time. I have to watch more of your videos. Many thanks!
My favorite part: Taking responsibility for our own expectations and needs instead of outsourcing our happiness to other people. Esp when they that don't even know what we need. We are allowed to meet own needs.
I’m a little late ( 2 years ) to the party, but I’m tired of resentment and my other issues impacting my life/ relationships. This is a big step for me as I never thought I’d need to seek any sort of help to deal with my personal issues. This is just the start of my journey.
Just had to give a shout out to you. I work in healthcare and without giving details, I realized that your ‘How to stop being a people pleaser without feeling guilty’ is a video that was shared for learning. That is awesome.
Yesterday I returned home from a trip that included driving alone with two kids, 5.5 hours each way...I smiled so big when you reminded us to tell ourselves “good job!! That was really hard and you did it!”. Amazing how just hearing you say it helped so much, thank you ❣️
Resentment is stimulated by disappointments in our lives. Maybe for every disappointment, we can give ourselves self-love and appreciation for continuing this good fight and being alive. God Bless you 🙏🏿
I don’t want anyone to “die.” Recognize and communicate, yes. That aside, no one is responsible for me. Humans are not perfect and incapable of filling our soul. They will disappoint. Not purposely. Only God is perfect. He fills the voided areas that man cannot.
I'm new to this page/site, and it has been really helpful. I recently separated after 11 years, and it has been really hard to deal with life challenges and all this stress from the separation, recently diagnosed with a rare disease and loosing my mother and just haven't cooped with all of it and just going a little crazy. Friendships are non-existent and just trying my best to juggle everything. Thank you again for the helpful videos and messages
I feel that this speech is mostly applicable to anger, getting angry. When we cannot communicate what we need when we expect too much, then we get angry but resentful to me is very different and reasons are very different. It is a longer-term result of allowing others to disrespect, to disregard, to be unfair to you... and that is suppressed for a long time, when we allow that to happen and continue, one day the devil of resentment wakes up and very difficult to calm it down. Anger still can harm in the short-term due to our fuses being short and keep showing anger for anything even tiny stuff and it can cause damage to the relationships that are mostly good enough but the resentment usually comes up after a long time of allowing ourselves to be some form of abuse, unequal relationship and we know we did not we could not stand up for ourselves and kept allowing that to happen again and again and again with the same person. That is to me the resentment. If that was dealt with early on, after a few first instances by cutting off or confronting the person, it would just be healthy anger, not resentment - resentment brews like a strong bitter cup of tea that makes it a hidden enemy of health and all other neurotic behaviours later in life.
Hey. This is quality content. I think my problem as a "people pleaser" is that I struggle with the fact that other's don't tend to have those tendencies and don't view pleasing others (ME) as a priority and I get resentful that they don't make the same effort as I do. I guess this is the rulebook I have made for myself and I need to take a different look at the situation. Thank you.
Thank you! Your words were the key that unlocked the door. I feel so much lighter. There isn't a pit in my chest. My stomach is no longer in a knot. I am okay. Even though I did not get what I wanted or had expected, I am okay! I will be okay! Release for sure! Freedom...Yay!!!!!!!!
Hey Julia Love yr videos ..I love the fact that u seem to be talking from yr heart and not just rattling out information..love to hear yr personal anecdotes ,makes me feel that u are real and applying yr advices to yourself. This is important to me coz it addresses the feeling, oh you don't know what I am going through! Love the way u navigate to the central feeling of an emotion.. Hoping to apply and be successful !
Thank you for that incredible incite. I’m Wes. I’m feeling a lot of resentment within a relationship with my wife and I’m finding this so very helpful. Thank you!
Thank you Julia - I really needed this - I was doing a guided mindful meditation on being kind - I did really feel that I needed this I want to add!! I mean I'm really kind! Part of it was to visualise someone that you didn't 'feel' kindly to. So I did - what really surprised me is that I wasn't willing to let go of the resentment and anger that I feel for them and then I actually saw that there were several people - in my past - that I still hold resent for. The scaring thing is that I don't want to give this up for any of them!! This seem a bit crazy to me as on the whole I would say that I was a good person. My search about resentment lead me to you and I am thankful for your video - at least now I understand why I feel it - I just need to work on why I'm so comfortable with this resentment and why I don't want it to go - I guess I still am waiting for them to 'pay' - ha ha and that's not going to happen - oh dear - sad face!!
Wonderful video Julia! Thank you! I’ve been carrying resentment towards my ex for the past 9.5 years, partly because she has not met my expectations in regards to how she’s provided for our adult children, but also partly because she HAS provided (in her own way) to our children. I figured out that I’m resentful of her because I’m not happy with myself; that I’ve put the keys to my happiness in her pocket, instead of looking for them in MY pocket. Time to be responsible for my own happiness, and take positive actions that will bring me closer to that goal. Thank you again for this thought provoking message.
In my case and I just recently realized this, my resentment towards soon to be my ex wife (about to divorce) came from me putting her in a pedestal. It destroyed my marriage. I finally realized that most if not all my bad behaviors(being needy, being upset, being immature, and everything else) came from having so much expectations from her. And none of that is her fault. Because I was the one that put her up that pedestal. I don’t wanna bring my upbringing but I think it’s a big part of it. It’s a dangerous thing to put someone up a pedestal. I wish I realized that way before so I could have changed it and possible change the outcome of my marriage. But I feel like it’s too late now. If anything I’ll walk away from this divorce learning something
Hi I’m Jill I have just found your channel. I have a lot of autoimmune diseases and have been working on my emotional issues and it is becoming clear to me that resentment is one of my main negative emotions, I am hoping that in clearing this my health will improve.
7, 5 and 2 ?!? Bless you! Always amazing! I recognize my resentment, it is still a work in progress! When words and actions don't match... I have to be especially mindful when this relationship bleeds over into other areas.
I am 57 years old and I have never heard this before! Game changer!! I have been married almost 40 years and this info could have saved me so much grief had I have known it before now. ❤️❤️❤️
Thank you so much! You helped me realize that i am feeling resentful towards a friend and don't feel like i can speak to them about it at all. This person puts me down often, has over stepped boundaries, disrespected me Infront of someone else, accusing me of things and just so many things over not even a year... Her insecurities were placed onto me instead of her bringing me up like a friend should as whole. I got belittled/ talked down to just degraded as person over such a small mistake (misplacing their drinks when moving them the night before) really early in the morning pretty much abusing me which made me remove myself from the conversation. Its getting too much and i think what makes me resent them the most is they treat me like this knowing how much im struggling and how much stress im under in my life. I don't know what to do but I'm taking time to process my feelings. I've been in a friendship like this when i was younger very one sided criticism and the other can do no wrong. Ive said to their face lightly to stop coming at me and when they disrespected me Infront of someone they didn't get the hint. I feel like they will jump down my throat or blame shift.
Julia, your content is always so right on target and communicated so effectively. You are making a HUGE difference in the community you influence by bringing truth and emotional health. I appreciate you and all I continue to learn from you. Thanks for using your talents to serve your community so beautifully 😊
Thank you Julia. I’m decades older than you but your wisdom is vast. Relationships can feel hard to navigate. you help us do that with your energy , generosity of spirit and sincere sharing. I believe that There is no panacea but with the wisdom we gain here and there we learn to manage relating better without damaging ourselves and others beyond repair. Kind of like find the breadcrumbs in the forest. So thank you for the spiritual nourishment you provide.
I'm still struggling somewhat with how to get over resentment as a child who carries resentment towards their parents. I feel like that is a case where it really is "fair" to expect certain things from them, and the expectations I had for them are basic parenting expectations. I can certainly take care of myself and find my own happiness as an adult now, but whenever they talk to me about my childhood I still feel resentful.
You are a delightful part of my days. Your posts are very focussed. The tools and perspectives you share are clearly articulated. The way you care for others comes through in your posts. You are a light in this world. Thank you for sharing your light.
Julia, thank you so much for your honest, grounding, and inspirational videos. you deliver your messages in a way that makes me feel heard and safe. i’d love to see a video about how to get over feelings of guilt because you don’t feel “sick enough” or like your problems aren’t real? I often compare myself to my friends who struggle with diagnosed mental health problems, and then I don’t feel like I deserve help even though I struggle so much too.
Your example is very helpful. The whole unpacking of this scenario shows exactly how this happens. Being your own best friend is actually a conscious effort and easy to forget.
I harbor resentment toward a group of supposedly adult women who ganged up on me and mobbed/bullied me and then gaslighted me at the same time and afterward.
I have a Big resentment. I had a friend for 5 years and things were GREAT. Lots of shareing and talking about things important to us and our lives. Then, an person I knew from 25 years ago that treated me badly came into the picture. When she 1st started the job she came up to me and asked me, "Did I ever do anything years ago that hurt your feelings?" I thought about all the things she had done to me but lied and told her, "No." I did that because if she honestly does not remember how she treated me that woukd be a good thing. And now that sge is about 50 she should be grown up enough to not ve so caniving and manipulative like when she was younger. She and my friend started spending time together and within 5 weeks my friendship was completely demolished. I walked into the breakroom and they were in there talking but once they saw me all the talking stopped. I had to go around the corner to get supplies and when I came out they still were not talking but I saw my friend roll her eyes. Id never seen her do that even once in all the years Id known her. I knew the chick was telling stories about me and 1 collegue came tovme and asked me if I wanted to know the aweful things the chick was saying aboyt me to everyone. I told her no I didnt want to know. She just spent a lot of time cutting me down and trying to ruin my reputation at work. My friend actually chewed me out at work 3 separate times in front of other employees about how I did something at work without consulting her first and how I should have done such and such instead. I was so embarrassed and angry each time and so walked away. After a year bits and pieces are put back together enough for a working relationship but no friendship remains and the other chick has since quit the job. I never thought my friend would treat me so badly, especially in front of others and am upset that she let a 5 year friendship be demolished in about 5 weeks. I am tired of loathing them both and wishing my friend would quit her job so I dont have to think about what happened. I want to move on and have watched lots of videos on forgiveness but so far have not been able to or allowed myself to let this mess go. I do expect people to treat other with respect and is a downfall of mine. How can I get better so I can move on or even just live and learn.
I am so resentful towards my partner for second guessing me, and not letting me speak or say how I feel. He thinks he does, but his constant "solutions" is not what I need. I just need anyone to listen at this point.
I'll go you one more. It is actually our responsibility to ourselves to provide the; respect, love, compassion, gratitude, etc. that we sometimes expect from others. Don't kid yourself, they feel our resentment too even if we don't say anything. The best part is that when we unconditionally give; respect, love, compassion, gratitude, etc. to ourselves then we can give that to others. You cannot give what you don't have. The less expectations we have of others then the more peaceful and happy we are, and less fearful. When gratitude is conditional on someone else expressing it to us, it can also be taken away, hence the fear. That puts a lot of pressure on relationships and a lot of score keeping. Since I have been practicing self-encouragement, I really enjoy encouraging others, and I am detached from whether they encourage me or not. Love your channel!
Hi, I really like the way you explain and talk about tricky issues. Resentment complicates our life, at least my life sometimes and it feels so good to hear someone talking about it. It can help to notice we are not alone and mostly that it exists some tools to get over this issue that might hold us back. Thanks again for your both clear and valuable tips. Have a good day. Take care!
The Resentment I held within my heart for this past year.Cost me being able to enjoy and appreciate the last times I should have made as favorable and Memorable moments I could have shared with the women who gave me life.I could not feel past my hurt let alone Open my mouth to ever truly tell my mother what I was feeling in my heart.If I could have only expressed to her how much I loved her and needed her in my life.Instead of holding all my pain in and acting as if she only made me mad.I can see myself so clear now that she passed away this Mother’s Day early morning.When I was filled with hurt only my anger would show.Yet now that she is no longer around the anger is now gone and I can now feel all my moms worth.Its hard when you come to terms to know you don’t actually know how to express hurt emotions only every other emotion In between.I grow up holding my hurt inside and shaking it off.But over the years it’s made me sheltered off from mostly all.Knowing now that I have a major problem if I couldn’t even open up my heart to let my own mother back inside.Has me seeking deeper within to figure myself out.I wish I could have just told my mom I loved her instead of avoiding her out my life.At the time I thought that’s what I needed to heal but either way I struck out because my moms life wasn’t as long as I had always imagined it would have been.They say in life we learn yet this is one lesson I would rather LiVe WiThOuT💔Thanks Julia Kristina for all your helpful insights and Techniques to inner healing.Blessings ur way ALWAYS✍🏽
Thanks Kristina. Wanting someone to praise you and idolise you for being responsible for your children is insane. It's part of being a codependent and acting out narcissisticly when you don't get your supply of validation.
I liked her example too but some ppl look for approval or validation out of worry if they’re mate loves them or not, so it’s not always a narcissistic thing. In Julies situation she probably felt he owed her something
I found it useful to think about the root cause of my expectation/resentment. What childhood wound is this resentment coming from? Feeling abandoned, unheard, alone, helpless , neglected. Like for the therapist in the video it feels she didnt get enough recognition as a child for when she was proud of something. It's really noone's fault. Hope her husband doesnt have avoidant attachment style. Thinking it comes from my subconscious hurts helps me cool down a little and understand myself. It still hurts, but in a more compassionate and understanding way...
My takeaway is that I should have asked my father’s family to love me, accept me, include me and be kind to me 40 years ago. I wouldn’t think one would have to ask this of family. A child knows if they aren’t liked. My bitterness is my problem, still. For a long time I stopped expecting it.
I am Gary Bellomy. New here. Saying hello. Work in progress. I am currently in therapy. This is when I start my morning therapy. Had to search on TH-cam for dealing with resentment just to clear my mind to be open to meditation. Sibling bs with good siblings . . Just me wanting more.
Just found your channel after searching 'resentful' and spending a weekend with a (girl) friend that I was very disappointed about. It definitely didn't match my expectations because it was planned around something she wanted to do but then bowed out of, which spoiled things. I didn't want to raise any issues as I thought it would just lead to an argument. I really should have followed my initial instinct because I had a feeling she hadn't prepared in advance (for a special event around hiking). I'm still feeling rather cross as it involved expenditure and me driving 6 hours. I completely agree she probably isn't aware of why I was not on good form. Not sure how to fix the situation now.
I resent my mum for keeping me in a violent home. Even though my mum was loving and my dad was the violent one, I just hate my mum for keeping us there - she could have taken us away but she didn’t . And I know that she will have been doing her best, she was obviously more scared to leave than to stay. But I grew up with so many mental health issues and now have CFS which is linked directly to the trauma and anxiety disorders. So I HATE her, but I desperately want to forgive and love her. She’s a good person.
Hello Julia, I'm Daphne and I love your channel! I just started watching it and I'm learning so much about me. I'm even learning just how badly I have been abused and how much control I have given to others... Thank you for your beautiful channel and sharing your talents! 🙏❤
I have had work experience with bad people I have been holding resentment towards a coworker since 2021 he did something to me that made me upset and angry
Hi Julia, thanks agin for your contant, all the work you did on yourself and all your learning and invested work. It's got so much value to share it online. I just got on the waiting list for the shift society, looking forward to that! :) I am stuck with the childhood experience of being to much for my parents to handle emotionally, they confirmed that this impression was true a few weeks ago and I'm now trying to handle this, moving beyond social anxiety and lack of relationships. All your work is providing me with a lot of courage and a great entry way for tackling my emotions/beliefs that are often to much and overwhelming, so many thanks to you!
What was one of your biggest takeaways from this talk?
Try to always take a step back and ask yourself if the feeling is coming because of an expectation that you had of the other person doing or saying something and not because they are unappreciative. Also remember that people also have things going on in their lives and if they did do something to offend you it probably wasn't intentional, particularly if that is not how they behave.
@@VideoCesar07 Three big take aways! 1.) You have a 7, 5 and 2 yo.... wow !! 2.) You usually mostly push me out of my zone of comfort to examine myself. 3.) Recognizing the vibrations of resentment from my primary environment in areas where it bleeds over into other parts of my life!
1. Get curious and ask yourself
2. Give yourself what you think you're needing and silently expecting from others. Feel fulfilled, it can be in your hands - that's allowed.
The ending was so profound regarding holding on to resentment. Any suggestions for someone who will not let go and keeps harboring ill feelings for more than a decade?
This is so true. , In your example of driving , I expected to hear the word trust , the expectations would have been less would it not if the trust is stronger from the bigger picture of the relationship day to day.
I feel I would do the same because my day to day has little trust . After all I was with a BPD / covert NPD and am trauma bonded severely now. More on that later in your comments of videos .
The root of resentment is disrespect from others.When it is repeated you will feel good by cutting your losses and getting out
Exactly!
Yes!
Actually I have gotten resentment from my "friend" when I did nothing wrong. There is two sides to resentment. Sometimes it's justified and sometimes not
I agree 100%. I resent my sister in law more than anyone else. I've tried to work on myself, but the hate I feel for her just builds and builds. She's the coldest most arrogant person I know. She has no empathy or sympathy. The fact that she expected that I was there for her when she had issues with her husband - my brother, but when I've been struggling getting out of a destructive relationship, suffering with trauma, trying to parent traumatized children and on top of that dealing with serious illness - she's not been there even 1%, she's talked behind my back, ne et been supportive, never showed my kids any love.. It feels like she kicked me when I was laying on the ground crying. I know my resentment for her is poisonous to myself, but I can't seem to get rid of it... And I agree with you that when people are disrespectful it's best to cut them loose and stay far away, especially if it's a more than one incident situation. It's such a huge sign of personality disorder like narcissism. I wish I could move far far away from them. When I don't have to deal with them I'm fine. The resentment just comes up if I have to deal with them. It's driving me mad. I want to let go of it. I resent her more than I resent my exe who abused me... That's how much she hurt me.
Sometimes the only way to “win” is to not play the game. Remove yourself and move on.
Not everybody has trouble communicating or being honest in their relationship.
Resentment can exist when you have fully and openly verbalized your every thought and feeling numerous times over.
Hey, I relate to this, completely. have you been able to work through this? Has anything worked for you? I hope you see my comment. Thanks ❤️
That's the current situation I'm in. If they don't take you seriously the first few times(and it shouldn't even be that many) then they don't care. Step away and move on. If its family, then set boundaries and don't spend too much time with them.
Exactly...
Exactly
Exactly ‼️‼️
I believe when someone has wronged you and you resent them,they know they just don't care you are left with the left over anger that usually builds up because the person refuses to acknowledge what they have done to you....
sometimes they can't I don't know why
I hear you. It’s shocking and the anger is just intense. I’m sorry you are left carrying such a weighted lump of anger and toxic energy.
@@kaylawilson1999 Thank you,Kayla I'm working on my resentment,I pray ,journal ,I use to do thearpy now I just ask God to help me.Thanks so much for your considerate words.May God bless you and yours....🙏🙏
I think there's a certain point it needs to be clearly state. I was screamed at down the phone for 5th time. I won't answer now. People lost respect when I tolerated the behaviour.
Hi Curtistine, You are loved and valued always. Just one concern regarding the phrase "they don't care". Sounds like an assumption to me, and assumptions are not facts. The Bible says in 1 Corinthians 13:12 that right now we see as through a mirror dimly (in part), down the road we shall see everything with perfect clarity (to know fully) as we are fully known. God bless you.💝
"Don't expect so much of other people and you won't be disappointed as much," my first husband once said to me. Over 30 years later, I haven't forgotten that. I no longer expect big favors or even small ones from anyone, even my family. I used to resent them for allowing me to be homeless. But now I rely solely on myself and God. Thanks, Julia, for the enlightenment. You rock!
Thx for sharing. This quote is useful for me today!
u have 2 expect more! if u stay in the same gear or same lane u can't expect different results... find ur boot straps n pull w/all ur might n look beyond ur box... much ❤ fr one who has survived the change... it will happen if u persist!
Thank you for sharing. Also, much respect to you for overcoming homelessness. It is so great of you to forgive that from family.
Be well and much blessings
"Don't outsource your happiness to other people". Great advice, thanks.
"Expectations " I expected to be treated like a human as a child.
You’re Asian too?
Yes-what about resentment for how you were abused or neglected as a child?
I hear you Jey. Resentment is a broad topic, some situations are more serious than others. She touched on that briefly at the end. Majority of this video is for less serious cases, such as her example with her husband. Please reach out, I could use support too. Big hugs
I feel you. I "expected" to never be harassed, threatened and stalked by a mentally unstable stranger.
Gosh...
This is helpful in otherwise healthy relationships. When it comes to relationships with abusive people, resentment is a self-preservation mechanism.
Yes that's true, so what's needed is withdrawal as a better protection than resentment.
Withdrawal isn't always an option
So true. The author of the video never thought of a scenario when for example : you are falsely accused of an atrocious act by someone you loved or cared about.
It is not about difference in values. To falsely accuse someone is wrong everywhere. Then, resentment becomes self-preservation.
Resentment can motivate one to protect oneself and set boundaries. I just listened to a talk by Jordan Peterson. But, we must use it wisely. Every emotion is valid.
I agree. The mantra of always forgive everybody all the time and never resent is unrealistic. As you say emotions and feelings should be respected and not artificially ignored or removed. Sometimes resentment is entirely fitting.
Resentment can be also a sign that is time to walk away -like if a person is always giving you this feeling. I struggle with my resentment towards my mom since she is very absent and most of the time only cares about her problematic boyfriends, it's hard not to feel resentful
I love the analogy of “drinking poison and hoping the other person dies”
That is so true...theoretically...I had so much resentment towards my parents for years and one day I just let it go...it is freeing...now I occasionally have resentment towards my husband for not doing things or saying things I expect him to say or do...which is not fair to him...”outsourcing your happiness” to others...man that hit home!
Resentment can really sabotage your life.
By resenting someone.. you're giving them your power. It boils down to a person not doing what you wanted them to. I think a key to releasing resentment is accepting that other people will not always do what you want/expect them to do. People will make mistakes...and that's okay. Communication is key. Thank you for this video. I watched resentment corrode my mother and sisters relationship.
Yes, our expectations of others and theirs of us.. is a huge part of getting past it.
i.e. lower expectations. I am a high achieving person and thus my expectations of those around me are really high. I have to constantly remind myself to tone it down a bit. And that is ok that other people don’t have expectations that match mine. This video really speaks to me.
@@jenshark4 one thing is the expectations you project on someone and other thing is your own expectations. You should lower the expectations you have of other people. But you can aspire to be the greatest of all time.
@@Neo-Reloaded fantastic advice. Thank you
This was amazing and exactly egat I needed x
I’ve been resentful towards my daughters for not showing an interest in my life. They’re both adults and have their own lives. Guess I’ll start focusing on being more interested in my own life.
Veronica Louis yep, I can relate. Only interested in themselves. Oh well.
Veronica Louis Watch what happens when YOU are interested in your life 🙂
I'm excited for what's going to happen when you do!
I´m sure that in the moment your daughters realize that you are focusing on yourself, they are going to show more interest in you, but probably will be too late.
Alexander Chaparro Vega It’s never too late for self love 😊
Takes a lot to stop hating someone..To anyone who has then i can safely say your doing yourself a service.
Resentment and hating are very different...
@@jamieswanson8828 it's more like wanting to be loved... not wanting to hate.... accepting they can't... you know, because you tried over and over.
@@jamieswanson8828 they’re related tho
"Oursourcing your need for happiness" that is just spot-on and such a no-no!
Yes, that was a great point.. Dont let our happiness be dependent upon what someone else does or doesn't do.
Holy cow you explained exactly how I was feeling!! Resentment comes from having silent expectations! Now I know what I need to work on.
Lack of self respect and responsibility, to me, are two of the big key drivers to resentment. It's understandably very tempting because it's gratifying in the short term to relinquish politeness/self-respect and responsibility by lashing out to show dominance and demonstrating how malicious you can be if you don't get your way so that no one can dare challenge and "mess with you"... but the problem is that it creates further problems and/or aggrevates the existing problem even more and that can lead to unnecessary disasters - because the more you engage in it (which you will if you just leave it alone and unconsciously), the stronger and worse it gets and can get extremely destructive and abusive and potentially murderous. It's a vicious cycle; a feedback loop that incrementally builds as you habitualise it. So... leaving it unaddressed for long enough and it's highly likely that the harboured bitterness and resentment can manifest itself unconsciously such as direct or indirect revenge on others, and escalating into worse matters such as extreme abuse. To resolve it, you have to address it as soon as possible and that's firstly through painstakingly consulting with your own conscience and, if it helps further, you can discuss it with others such as your partner, friend, family member, therapist, etc. so that, rather than using him/her to think and/or do things for you (which takes your gift of independence away as well as unnecessarily burden the other person with things they're not responsible for - it's a insufferable situation for both of you), he/she can instead help you to think out loud for yourself by listening and reflecting back on your thoughts. To me, the key is reclaim responsibility for your own wellbeing and the complicated processes that come with it, and then go from there and articulate the issue and then find ways to resolve it psychologically and practically. Could be a thoughtfully inspiring self-discussion ripe with potential new opportunities from here on in (learned and accounted from that experience in the past), or doing/creating something that simultaneously makes the matter less worse and offers some optimistic pathway forward that can benefit yourself in many multidimensional ways and, even better as a consequence, also the people around or involved with you too. And it has to be underpinned by the intention to negotiate/self-negotiate towards mutual peace rather than looking to win and dominate, regardless of whether you're right or wrong, etc. Who knows... with many more years of practice, as well as psychological and philosophical excavation and evaluation of past experiences, it's possible that you may end up justifying the underlying deeply rooted issues and address that "hot temper" and the source of it. More often than not, it boils down to the proposition that life is undeniably unfair and full of suffering (because at some point or another, we've all been wronged and endured tragedy to some degree or another which has internally shaped us - and then it's about how to respond to that "shaping")... the question is how the hell we can justify it in a way that can be helpful and useful to us and also more likely to avoid falling into unnecessary pits that you can then see after hindsight and enlightenment from these past known and yet-to-be-known experiences.
Amazing!! Thank you
Deep analysis.
I’m excited for this video, I’ve gone through periods of resentment before and I’m never doing it again!! Resentment only torments the person holding the grudge, not the person or people it’s directed towards!! I hope you have a great day! 💜
you got it! A+ star student 😉
Julia Kristina Counselling Awe thank you so much! 😉
I come to this incredible little corner of the internet....
I feel Better.
I feel this strongly. I entered the in law family for 5 years and then the co sister in law just pops up after dating my husband's brother for 6 months. I was so excited to be friends with her but she immediately was cold to me. She wouldn't reciprocate any type of communication or connection I tried to make with her. What really began the resentment was how the in laws began to treat her. They treated me very cold and distance from the start, never tried to get to know me, won't put any effort to communicate with me or hang out. I just chalked it up to us not being compatible or they are just defensive and don't know how to act around me or they're not good at talking to new people. But then in walks this new girl and immediately it was like the president had just married in to the family. They text and call her all the time, they go out to eat, they travel hours away to see her when I live 10 mins away, they chat so well with her and actually have conversations with her that aren't superficial. Whenever I'm with them together they just shove down my throat how much more connected they are to the point that I resent this girl soo much. I question what I did to them, what I could've said or maybe I'm just not good enough. I tried mimicking what she does and it didn't make a difference and it made me feel fake and like it really is that they just hate me for no reason. Now I have to sit back and watch them plan for her wedding and dress shop when the in laws couldn't even be bothered to care about my wedding. The mother in law bailed on my bachelorette party that she wanted to plan for me which ended up never happening. She never showed up to my fittings. They left my wedding early. So yeah I'm envious and resentful because what is so special about this sister in law that no matter what she does she's perfect, I have to only hear about her and how amazing she is when I try to hang out with them, she gets everything I've ever asked for which is just love and inclusion. I have no idea how to unpack it because they are people that will not listen to reason and very fixed to their ideas, I can't just ignore them because they emotionally guilt me and my husband for distancing ourselves even thought they don't value us when we're around, and they see no faults in their own actions.
Wow! I'm so sorry that you're going thru that. I hope that you can find the strength to get past their rejection and just continue to live life with your husband within your very own happy place.
Sometimes family can be so disingenuous and it's nothing you can do about that. Unfortunately 🙄
Sending you peace and blessings ❤️
To be honest with you, I would just cut that off and try to be happy myself and my husband, you married him not them, if you feel bad and uncomfortable and belittle, cut that off, you deserve peace and being treated right by the people who surrounds you. I cut that off and idgf 😀😀😀
Exactly how my in laws have done me! After 20 years, I'm still not good enough. But they just adore my husbands ex wife who cheated on my husband and was a dead beat mom while I raised her 2 children for her. My husband wonders why I'm so bitter and send him alone to his family gatherings. And my don't they just love posting all the photos of the great time they all had while I wasn't there! It's sick really. These people are mental. If I had to guess, just like in my case, these people are jealous. I'm sure you are an amazing lady and your light is blinding those demons. At least that's what I tell myself. Stay strong and may God richly bless you!
I can relate to this so much. Keep your distance pursue your peace without them.
Very sorry for the pain they've caused you. I have a similar situation with my partner's daughter in law, a shallow and selfish girl who comes to my house and ignores or disrespects me repeatedly. And everybody loves her because she took on my partner's eldest, who is borderline and a real piece of work. I've been told he is growing tired of her self-importance, but I wouldn't want them to split, they have a baby. I just don't want to ever have to see her again.
Thank you Julia. This was an eye opener for me. I am once again reminded that I am responsible for myself and my needs. Your videos have increased the quality of my life. Thank you for sharing your insights, your personal experiences and your knowledge with us.
Thank you Christine - this really means a lot to me. And GOOD for you for doing the work.
“I told myself what I needed to hear”. 👍
Thanks, Kristina. I was seething toward my husband when I pulled this up, and your video really helped. Honestly, I really appreciated giving myself a verbal affirmation. As a mom, people seldom notice all you pour out, so it’s nice to remind yourself out loud that you’re doing great.
I love the thought of giving yourself positive reinforcement and kudos for a good job or deed. We can be so hard on ourselves and then we can project that onto others. Your helpful words always come at the right time. Thank you for the welcome and wise insight, Julia!
Always Cathy. Glad you're here.
Yes, I like the part where we need to step back, give "yourself" the credit for what you achieved.. Validation is not dependent upon someone else performing the validation..
Many times it is between you and God...He will never forget and always sees the the heart you gave..
Everything connected to me. This came at the right time for me as well. Working on a 12 step program and already did my 4th step which is writing out all resentments. We're always reminded that expectations are future resentments. On step 9 now which is about making amends to people I have wronged and one of them is someone I have HUGE resentments against and have kept me stuck on this step for months now. I know that most likely they will never recognize or apologize for what they did to me so this video has helped me refocus on having to make amends to what I did to them, not what they did to me.
“It’s ok to give yourself some compliments ” ... thank u.
Thank you for this video...I've been feeling very angry and resentful for the past couple of years...and I'm trying to learn to let things go
I’m three minutes in. Are you seriously telling me women at large do not know that I want them to find me attractive and that I want to find them attractive in a mutual exchange. They do know, we all know.
I agree, resentment is unmet expectations, and human desire is a core expectation. That is all resentment is here. It’s not drinking poison, it’s not about knowledge and awareness. It’s constant, lifelong negative reactions by the same people that cause you to dislike them.
Hi Julia, I want to thank you for this video. I have been struggling with the most terrible thoughts because of all the resentment I have toward my family, in specific my father. He's my father so my expectations were what a daughter should get from their father. I find myself having the hardest time forgiving and letting go of this anger. I was in a bad place in my mind and I live in my head most of the time. I just came across your video today for the first time. The resentment is a huge burden I carry everywhere and I find myself trying not to feel this way. It is not easy. I am responding over reacting most of the time. I have to watch more of your videos. Many thanks!
My favorite part: Taking responsibility for our own expectations and needs instead of outsourcing our happiness to other people. Esp when they that don't even know what we need. We are allowed to meet own needs.
I’m a little late ( 2 years ) to the party, but I’m tired of resentment and my other issues impacting my life/ relationships. This is a big step for me as I never thought I’d need to seek any sort of help to deal with my personal issues. This is just the start of my journey.
Just had to give a shout out to you. I work in healthcare and without giving details, I realized that your ‘How to stop being a people pleaser without feeling guilty’ is a video that was shared for learning. That is awesome.
Yesterday I returned home from a trip that included driving alone with two kids, 5.5 hours each way...I smiled so big when you reminded us to tell ourselves “good job!! That was really hard and you did it!”. Amazing how just hearing you say it helped so much, thank you ❣️
Resentment is stimulated by disappointments in our lives. Maybe for every disappointment, we can give ourselves self-love and appreciation for continuing this good fight and being alive. God Bless you 🙏🏿
Julia, thank you for sharing all of these videos. They really help.
Hey Julia. it’s helping a lot . Thanks 😊
It's an honour Tammy. Thanks for being here.
I don’t want anyone to “die.” Recognize and communicate, yes. That aside, no one is responsible for me. Humans are not perfect and incapable of filling our soul. They will disappoint. Not purposely. Only God is perfect. He fills the voided areas that man cannot.
Parents are responsible for their kids though. If they failed you it's hard to let it go.
I'm new to this page/site, and it has been really helpful. I recently separated after 11 years, and it has been really hard to deal with life challenges and all this stress from the separation, recently diagnosed with a rare disease and loosing my mother and just haven't cooped with all of it and just going a little crazy. Friendships are non-existent and just trying my best to juggle everything. Thank you again for the helpful videos and messages
I feel that this speech is mostly applicable to anger, getting angry. When we cannot communicate what we need when we expect too much, then we get angry but resentful to me is very different and reasons are very different. It is a longer-term result of allowing others to disrespect, to disregard, to be unfair to you... and that is suppressed for a long time, when we allow that to happen and continue, one day the devil of resentment wakes up and very difficult to calm it down. Anger still can harm in the short-term due to our fuses being short and keep showing anger for anything even tiny stuff and it can cause damage to the relationships that are mostly good enough but the resentment usually comes up after a long time of allowing ourselves to be some form of abuse, unequal relationship and we know we did not we could not stand up for ourselves and kept allowing that to happen again and again and again with the same person. That is to me the resentment. If that was dealt with early on, after a few first instances by cutting off or confronting the person, it would just be healthy anger, not resentment - resentment brews like a strong bitter cup of tea that makes it a hidden enemy of health and all other neurotic behaviours later in life.
Hey. This is quality content. I think my problem as a "people pleaser" is that I struggle with the fact that other's don't tend to have those tendencies and don't view pleasing others (ME) as a priority and I get resentful that they don't make the same effort as I do. I guess this is the rulebook I have made for myself and I need to take a different look at the situation. Thank you.
Thank you! Your words were the key that unlocked the door. I feel so much lighter. There isn't a pit in my chest. My stomach is no longer in a knot. I am okay. Even though I did not get what I wanted or had expected, I am okay! I will be okay! Release for sure! Freedom...Yay!!!!!!!!
Hey Julia
Love yr videos ..I love the fact that u seem to be talking from yr heart and not just rattling out information..love to hear yr personal anecdotes ,makes me feel that u are real and applying yr advices to yourself.
This is important to me coz it addresses the feeling, oh you don't know what I am going through!
Love the way u navigate to the central feeling of an emotion..
Hoping to apply and be successful !
Thank you for that incredible incite. I’m Wes. I’m feeling a lot of resentment within a relationship with my wife and I’m finding this so very helpful. Thank you!
I'm so happy you're doing this video. Thanks for sharing on this topic Julia!!
This video is useful to everyone; even those who are not in need of counseling. .
@@barrymichlowitz1071 Yes!! I absolutely agree. Thank you for commenting :)
So thankful I’ve found your videos...exactly what I need. Thank you for all of your hard work and help. You’re very appreciated x
Thank you Julia - I really needed this - I was doing a guided mindful meditation on being kind - I did really feel that I needed this I want to add!! I mean I'm really kind! Part of it was to visualise someone that you didn't 'feel' kindly to. So I did - what really surprised me is that I wasn't willing to let go of the resentment and anger that I feel for them and then I actually saw that there were several people - in my past - that I still hold resent for. The scaring thing is that I don't want to give this up for any of them!! This seem a bit crazy to me as on the whole I would say that I was a good person. My search about resentment lead me to you and I am thankful for your video - at least now I understand why I feel it - I just need to work on why I'm so comfortable with this resentment and why I don't want it to go - I guess I still am waiting for them to 'pay' - ha ha and that's not going to happen - oh dear - sad face!!
Wonderful video Julia! Thank you!
I’ve been carrying resentment towards my ex for the past 9.5 years, partly because she has not met my expectations in regards to how she’s provided for our adult children, but also partly because she HAS provided (in her own way) to our children. I figured out that I’m resentful of her because I’m not happy with myself; that I’ve put the keys to my happiness in her pocket, instead of looking for them in MY pocket. Time to be responsible for my own happiness, and take positive actions that will bring me closer to that goal. Thank you again for this thought provoking message.
Resentment is so toxic and causes so much suffering. Thank you for this beautiful video ♥️♥️♥️
In my case and I just recently realized this, my resentment towards soon to be my ex wife (about to divorce) came from me putting her in a pedestal. It destroyed my marriage. I finally realized that most if not all my bad behaviors(being needy, being upset, being immature, and everything else) came from having so much expectations from her. And none of that is her fault. Because I was the one that put her up that pedestal. I don’t wanna bring my upbringing but I think it’s a big part of it. It’s a dangerous thing to put someone up a pedestal. I wish I realized that way before so I could have changed it and possible change the outcome of my marriage. But I feel like it’s too late now. If anything I’ll walk away from this divorce learning something
This completely resonated with me...you dont need anyone elses approval to feel worthy or valued...it feels nice obvs but you arent defined by that
I have so much resentment towards a few people. Need so much help. Loved the video.
Hi I’m Jill I have just found your channel. I have a lot of autoimmune diseases and have been working on my emotional issues and it is becoming clear to me that resentment is one of my main negative emotions, I am hoping that in clearing this my health will improve.
7, 5 and 2 ?!? Bless you! Always amazing! I recognize my resentment, it is still a work in progress! When words and actions don't match... I have to be especially mindful when this relationship bleeds over into other areas.
Thank you. It’s hard to find people that care and understand what you are going through how ever it may look. Thanks again.
I am 57 years old and I have never heard this before! Game changer!! I have been married almost 40 years and this info could have saved me so much grief had I have known it before now. ❤️❤️❤️
Great video. Too much energy is expended when you harbor resentment.
Say it again for the people in the back!
It’s not easy to let go unless the offender owns up
Thank you so much! You helped me realize that i am feeling resentful towards a friend and don't feel like i can speak to them about it at all. This person puts me down often, has over stepped boundaries, disrespected me Infront of someone else, accusing me of things and just so many things over not even a year... Her insecurities were placed onto me instead of her bringing me up like a friend should as whole. I got belittled/ talked down to just degraded as person over such a small mistake (misplacing their drinks when moving them the night before) really early in the morning pretty much abusing me which made me remove myself from the conversation. Its getting too much and i think what makes me resent them the most is they treat me like this knowing how much im struggling and how much stress im under in my life. I don't know what to do but I'm taking time to process my feelings. I've been in a friendship like this when i was younger very one sided criticism and the other can do no wrong. Ive said to their face lightly to stop coming at me and when they disrespected me Infront of someone they didn't get the hint. I feel like they will jump down my throat or blame shift.
neighbours with both of the people i experience this with which makes it so much more difficult.
Julia, your content is always so right on target and communicated so effectively. You are making a HUGE difference in the community you influence by bringing truth and emotional health. I appreciate you and all I continue to learn from you. Thanks for using your talents to serve your community so beautifully 😊
Thank you Julia. I’m decades older than you but your wisdom is vast. Relationships can feel hard to navigate. you help us do that with your energy , generosity of spirit and sincere sharing. I believe that There is no panacea but with the wisdom we gain here and there we learn to manage relating better without damaging ourselves and others beyond repair. Kind of like find the breadcrumbs in the forest. So thank you for the spiritual nourishment you provide.
I'm still struggling somewhat with how to get over resentment as a child who carries resentment towards their parents. I feel like that is a case where it really is "fair" to expect certain things from them, and the expectations I had for them are basic parenting expectations. I can certainly take care of myself and find my own happiness as an adult now, but whenever they talk to me about my childhood I still feel resentful.
Hello everyone, I am Ikram and I love Julia's videos because she enlightens things that we ignore sometimes.. Thanks !
You are a delightful part of my days. Your posts are very focussed. The tools and perspectives you share are clearly articulated. The way you care for others comes through in your posts. You are a light in this world. Thank you for sharing your light.
Knot came loose. Saving this video for the next time I get tied up.
Thank you! I was looking for some guidance in this topic and I am so glad your video popped up!
Thank you!! Very helpful putting that into perspective.
Julia, thank you so much for your honest, grounding, and inspirational videos. you deliver your messages in a way that makes me feel heard and safe. i’d love to see a video about how to get over feelings of guilt because you don’t feel “sick enough” or like your problems aren’t real? I often compare myself to my friends who struggle with diagnosed mental health problems, and then I don’t feel like I deserve help even though I struggle so much too.
Your example is very helpful. The whole unpacking of this scenario shows exactly how this happens. Being your own best friend is actually a conscious effort and easy to forget.
I harbor resentment toward a group of supposedly adult women who ganged up on me and mobbed/bullied me and then gaslighted me at the same time and afterward.
I like how clearly and calmly you speak, thank you! I feel more relaxed and confident
Hi I’m new to this channel but I already know it is going to help me.
Wow this is really what I need. Yeah you are right. This is not their responsibility to fulfill my needs..😢 I want to remember this..🙏🏻
God fills voids in our souls that humans cannot. Our inner-being.
This was such a brilliant, high quality content video. Thank you.
I have a Big resentment. I had a friend for 5 years and things were GREAT. Lots of shareing and talking about things important to us and our lives. Then, an person I knew from 25 years ago that treated me badly came into the picture. When she 1st started the job she came up to me and asked me, "Did I ever do anything years ago that hurt your feelings?" I thought about all the things she had done to me but lied and told her, "No." I did that because if she honestly does not remember how she treated me that woukd be a good thing. And now that sge is about 50 she should be grown up enough to not ve so caniving and manipulative like when she was younger. She and my friend started spending time together and within 5 weeks my friendship was completely demolished. I walked into the breakroom and they were in there talking but once they saw me all the talking stopped. I had to go around the corner to get supplies and when I came out they still were not talking but I saw my friend roll her eyes. Id never seen her do that even once in all the years Id known her. I knew the chick was telling stories about me and 1 collegue came tovme and asked me if I wanted to know the aweful things the chick was saying aboyt me to everyone. I told her no I didnt want to know. She just spent a lot of time cutting me down and trying to ruin my reputation at work. My friend actually chewed me out at work 3 separate times in front of other employees about how I did something at work without consulting her first and how I should have done such and such instead. I was so embarrassed and angry each time and so walked away. After a year bits and pieces are put back together enough for a working relationship but no friendship remains and the other chick has since quit the job. I never thought my friend would treat me so badly, especially in front of others and am upset that she let a 5 year friendship be demolished in about 5 weeks. I am tired of loathing them both and wishing my friend would quit her job so I dont have to think about what happened. I want to move on and have watched lots of videos on forgiveness but so far have not been able to or allowed myself to let this mess go. I do expect people to treat other with respect and is a downfall of mine. How can I get better so I can move on or even just live and learn.
Beth Alpert wow, guess she wasn’t quite the friend you thought she was. Glad you saw her true colors but I know it hurts.😩
@@sassysandie2865 Yes it really does hurt. Thanks for your kind words.
how r u now?
Hey there! First time here + I'm Lindsey from Raleigh, NC? Thanks for all the helpful content and keep it up!!
Omg that self recognition part SPOKE TO ME
Thank you very much for this! It's been very helpful. 👍👏🙏
I'm binge-watching videos on how to let go of a grudge. This video was also helpful, thanks! No Serial Killer.
I am so resentful towards my partner for second guessing me, and not letting me speak or say how I feel. He thinks he does, but his constant "solutions" is not what I need. I just need anyone to listen at this point.
I'll go you one more. It is actually our responsibility to ourselves to provide the; respect, love, compassion, gratitude, etc. that we sometimes expect from others. Don't kid yourself, they feel our resentment too even if we don't say anything. The best part is that when we unconditionally give; respect, love, compassion, gratitude, etc. to ourselves then we can give that to others. You cannot give what you don't have. The less expectations we have of others then the more peaceful and happy we are, and less fearful. When gratitude is conditional on someone else expressing it to us, it can also be taken away, hence the fear. That puts a lot of pressure on relationships and a lot of score keeping. Since I have been practicing self-encouragement, I really enjoy encouraging others, and I am detached from whether they encourage me or not. Love your channel!
Hi,
I really like the way you explain and talk about tricky issues.
Resentment complicates our life, at least my life sometimes and it feels so good to hear someone talking about it.
It can help to notice we are not alone and mostly that it exists some tools to get over this issue that might hold us back.
Thanks again for your both clear and valuable tips.
Have a good day.
Take care!
The Resentment I held within my heart for this past year.Cost me being able to enjoy and appreciate the last times I should have made as favorable and Memorable moments I could have shared with the women who gave me life.I could not feel past my hurt let alone Open my mouth to ever truly tell my mother what I was feeling in my heart.If I could have only expressed to her how much I loved her and needed her in my life.Instead of holding all my pain in and acting as if she only made me mad.I can see myself so clear now that she passed away this Mother’s Day early morning.When I was filled with hurt only my anger would show.Yet now that she is no longer around the anger is now gone and I can now feel all my moms worth.Its hard when you come to terms to know you don’t actually know how to express hurt emotions only every other emotion In between.I grow up holding my hurt inside and shaking it off.But over the years it’s made me sheltered off from mostly all.Knowing now that I have a major problem if I couldn’t even open up my heart to let my own mother back inside.Has me seeking deeper within to figure myself out.I wish I could have just told my mom I loved her instead of avoiding her out my life.At the time I thought that’s what I needed to heal but either way I struck out because my moms life wasn’t as long as I had always imagined it would have been.They say in life we learn yet this is one lesson I would rather LiVe WiThOuT💔Thanks Julia Kristina for all your helpful insights and Techniques to inner healing.Blessings ur way ALWAYS✍🏽
Holding grudge against someone is like drinking a poison and expect the other person to die
!!!!!!
Wonderfully said and so true. Once you start to praise yourself, you grow up and start to be independent, but in a good way. Thanks
hi i think we chatted before, i am happy you are doing better and helping other people out.
Thanks Kristina. Wanting someone to praise you and idolise you for being responsible for your children is insane. It's part of being a codependent and acting out narcissisticly when you don't get your supply of validation.
I liked her example too but some ppl look for approval or validation out of worry if they’re mate loves them or not, so it’s not always a narcissistic thing. In Julies situation she probably felt he owed her something
You're amazing, very informative video. I have learn something new today because of you. You deserve this subscription 🙏🙏
I found it useful to think about the root cause of my expectation/resentment. What childhood wound is this resentment coming from? Feeling abandoned, unheard, alone, helpless , neglected. Like for the therapist in the video it feels she didnt get enough recognition as a child for when she was proud of something. It's really noone's fault. Hope her husband doesnt have avoidant attachment style. Thinking it comes from my subconscious hurts helps me cool down a little and understand myself. It still hurts, but in a more compassionate and understanding way...
My takeaway is that I should have asked my father’s family to love me, accept me, include me and be kind to me 40 years ago. I wouldn’t think one would have to ask this of family. A child knows if they aren’t liked. My bitterness is my problem, still. For a long time I stopped expecting it.
Hello. I don’t usually ‘do’ resentment but it came up recently and took me by surprise, so I’m listening.
Hello Julia. Thank you for the videos! Air hug
Hi, I think I heard ...to own my feelings my own expectations. Excellent!
thanx Julia, I did enjoy this video. It's just eye-opener to me. good luck 🙏👍
I am Gary Bellomy. New here. Saying hello. Work in progress.
I am currently in therapy. This is when I start my morning therapy. Had to search on TH-cam for dealing with resentment just to clear my mind to be open to meditation. Sibling bs with good siblings . . Just me wanting more.
Just found your channel after searching 'resentful' and spending a weekend with a (girl) friend that I was very disappointed about. It definitely didn't match my expectations because it was planned around something she wanted to do but then bowed out of, which spoiled things. I didn't want to raise any issues as I thought it would just lead to an argument. I really should have followed my initial instinct because I had a feeling she hadn't prepared in advance (for a special event around hiking). I'm still feeling rather cross as it involved expenditure and me driving 6 hours. I completely agree she probably isn't aware of why I was not on good form. Not sure how to fix the situation now.
I resent my mum for keeping me in a violent home. Even though my mum was loving and my dad was the violent one, I just hate my mum for keeping us there - she could have taken us away but she didn’t . And I know that she will have been doing her best, she was obviously more scared to leave than to stay. But I grew up with so many mental health issues and now have CFS which is linked directly to the trauma and anxiety disorders. So I HATE her, but I desperately want to forgive and love her. She’s a good person.
Hello Julia, I'm Daphne and I love your channel! I just started watching it and I'm learning so much about me. I'm even learning just how badly I have been abused and how much control I have given to others... Thank you for your beautiful channel and sharing your talents! 🙏❤
I have had work experience with bad people I have been holding resentment towards a coworker since 2021 he did something to me that made me upset and angry
I just found you and already had a break threw and this was ruining my peice of mind. I'm eager to delve into some of your other video's.
Hi Julia, thanks agin for your contant, all the work you did on yourself and all your learning and invested work. It's got so much value to share it online. I just got on the waiting list for the shift society, looking forward to that! :) I am stuck with the childhood experience of being to much for my parents to handle emotionally, they confirmed that this impression was true a few weeks ago and I'm now trying to handle this, moving beyond social anxiety and lack of relationships. All your work is providing me with a lot of courage and a great entry way for tackling my emotions/beliefs that are often to much and overwhelming, so many thanks to you!
Hello! You are amazing. Your videos have helped me get through a brutal breakup. So thank you!