I still have these feelings though I have learned to accept that, most of my resentment is actually because I didn't respect or love myself enough in those times. I didn't enforce boundaries to prevent people doing that to me. Sure people still disrespect me but, I also don't allow them to do it twice because, I respect myself to not keep them around me. Trusting myself and that I can enforce boundaries, be authentic and be ok with not pleasing everyone is my hardest mission yet. Often I feel I need to be able to feel enough trust, respect and love from others to then confirm, i can give those to myself. But that's backwards! I need to feel those things for myself first and, then see it from others as; confirmation.
I feel that way towards a daughter in law. When I make a scheduled visit to see the grandkids, my bed is not made up, no meals planned except for when my son does it, table is never cleaned off or laundry put away, very uncommunicative . If I take g kids out she never asks how it went or what we got to do or see . Feel very sad and that maybe she doesn’t even want us there! Help!
I cried the entire video because I have such high expectations of others and I get so resentful and angry. This all stems from my childhood and not getting my needs met. This is a big disrupter in my relationships now and why I do isolate myself. I realize how much personal work I need to do to get past this so that I can have thriving relationships and also a better relationship with myself. Thank you for putting this video out there. It's been a mirror for me.
You are not alone! I also was casted to the side as a child due to older sibling life drama. Now as an adult, so relentless in achieving my goals that i tend to spill over that discipline and the way I carry myself upon my family. Again, you are now alone, baby steps. Journaling has helped me with getting to know myself. Now with this video, i will start dabbling into the shadow side of my family's past
I had a friend growing up that had ridiculously high standards of his friends. But he never seemed to even try to meet those standards himself. Tried hard for a long time to understand that dynamic...but I never really could. I feel like what he was after was unconditional love. Do you think that's what you were looking for? Like maybe pushing people away to see who would stick around?
@@ct6852 it's possible. I still have a hard time understanding myself. I know that I need to give myself that unconditional love first instead of expecting others to give it to me and that starts with self acceptance. It's a learning process. It would make sense what you are saying.
This had been my struggle lately. I've been struggling with depression and anxiety. I'm the type of person who would reach out. I want friends or people to reach out to me without saying something. 🙃
I’ve definitely gone through this my whole life. Someone once told me that not everyone has my heart. After listening to this vid….I fully understand what that meant. I have been in a great deal of one sided relationships with friends and family and most moved on without verbally telling me. I fought to hold on and definitely became bitter, resentful, sad. I learning how to deal. Thank you Julia.
This perspective is SO important. Our lives are short and rushed. So it’s easy to miss learning that our problems are central to our lives but that others too are fighting to survive. It’s not personal per se.
Thank you for this, Julia. Sometimes we do need to step back, reflect, and shift our perspective. I am a truly terrible person right now. I feel resentment towards every part of my life right now-work, school, home and most of all myself. I'm someone that's ungrateful and isn't able to appreciate the good things that come my way. With relationships, I feel like I need to fix myself before I approach others because-who would want to be friends with someone negative that brings things down? I may as well be poison...I do have one friend though. I told this friend about my struggle and he was understanding and stuck with me, but sometimes I wnat more from him-more help and more attention and for him to be better at conversations, but those expectations are too high and I should step down and realize "hey, I'm not in the center of everything." At the end of the day it's my life, my problems and others don't have to sacrifice themselves for me...I hope I can become a better person and get rid of this hatred I carry.
I know you left this comment a little while back but i relate so much to it and I wanted to say that I'm with you and I hope you get to reach the place of peace in your life that you're looking for. I also hope that you're not being too hard on yourself because as much as we need to work on being more appreciative and expect less from others, I do think we need to understand that we are not inherently bad people. Anyway, thank you for this comment, it made me feel less alone!
I am going to be brutal about resentment; I think sometimes some of us have been dealt a harsher hand in life than others. We’ve been treated badly things just haven’t worked out whether it be marriage, family relationships and jobs. It’s been a nightmare. Health maybe good but everything else is pretty rubbish. Suffering from Mental health most your life. Now the gratitude maybe we’ll be thankful for your health. But my question is is for e.g., you have a car and mostly everything in it has broken down except the gear box. The car can’t move. So we can’t just say the gear box is working atleast so be grateful. The other parts of the car are not working so the car can’t move. So it’s no use. Similarly if everything in life is wrong save as to your health what’s the point?
Really great lesson! I find myself feeling sorry for me at times with people not knowing I need help. Not even asking, expecting them to read my mind and being resentful that no one is there for me. Not fair to them!!! Great lesson Thank you
Love the vulnerability of sharing when raw instead of when it is all neatly buttoned up in the past. You can hear it in your voice and it resonates powerfully. ❤
It is important to also have a sharing of expectations as appropriate in relationships to demystify any expectations and related thoughts and feelings. Trying to mind read or wanting others to mind read is dangerous in relationships. The sharing of expectations and demystifying can eliminate those dangers. Also, when sharing expectations in relationships, when others are unwilling to meet any desired expectations you have, to move forward in the relationship, it will require making peace with how far they are willing to go, or, perhaps moving away from that relationship. Healthy compromise is one of the keys to relational success.
Omg, as a new parent it hits spot on. You want help from others, yet it is unrealistic to expect others to put your needs first. No matter how important they are. I am working on this ans thankfully my partner has gotten around and is helping more with the care of the baby as I was getting overwhelmed sometimes. Communication is everything
Hello Julia, You are usually spot on; and that’s one reason I come back and listen to your advice. And you’ve helped me keep my sanity a time or two. But this is the second video I’ve seen of yours where I think you’re giving your” friends “more credit than they merit. The way I see it is partly in concordance with you. I agree that having expectations of others that essentially are a must do; is recipe for getting angry and acting out; possibly doing damage, followed by self recrimination and regret. Where I would part with your thinking I will illustrate below with two examples from your own playbook. The one above in which your friends offered no help and the time when you gave an old girlfriend a schedule of the times you could see her when she came to town followed by learning that she scheduled time with others during the times you were available. You had the same self negating reaction then and now. It’s not that either party owed you help or owed you scheduling. Their actions are information. You happen to have friends who don’t think that much about you. The fact is what people do tells you a lot. Perhaps especially about yourself. Its absolutely the norm to offer help to a woman camping for the first time with 3 kids. I would. Most people would. It’s the gesture that was missing. Just knowing you could ask for help if you needed it would’ve put you at ease. My god, it’s because they have a lot more experience & stuff that they could’ve offered. That’s not an expectation. That’s called manners. I too have a very old friend who whenever she comes to town, makes plans with everyone else and then gives me the dregs, and guess what we talk about; her. So it’s information. I don’t go out of my way because last time I checked I was not a doormat. In this department I want to tell you, just know these people are not your friends, they are and will always be acquaintances. Know that this is how you will be treated ;if you still want to spend time with them. A friend would’ve asked if you needed any help and made sure you & kids are ok. And you would do the same. Your whole channel is about leading a saner better life. It’s a remarkable offering and you are a wonderfully emotional yet intellectual & generous psychologist and person. I learned this perspective from a former husband. It can be necessary sometimes for to take a cold look at what is.
I understand what you are saying but at the same time I think the point of the video is looking at the behavior and instead of getting bitter and resentful, use their lack of offering support as a sign to take personal action, whether that is asking for help, or using the information realize you need to pull back from the relationship.
Thank you Julia! The discussion of this topic and the way it was conducted has really connected with me because it is the primary relationship issue that I have been struggling with for many years. Viewing my partner primarily in terms of the things they're not providing for me and minimizing all the things that they do for me, failing to realize that I can't (and should not) be the center of their universe. Placing excessive value on the lack of fulfilment of these selfish (and unrealistic) expectations places excessive stress on my spouse. Reigning in all that mental clutter and putting it in the proper perspective will help redirect the relationship into a better healthier place for both of us.
I often feel resentful and bitter I am always taken advantage of, which is my fault to a degree. I hate feeling this way, especially since it's people you ❤️
Me too 😔PS I am a full-time caregiver for my significant other so this topic is resonating with me. There are times when I feel a little bitter and resentful. Cause I feel like I have the world on my shoulders sometimes. He’s an incomplete paraplegic in a wheelchair 🦼 anyhow love the topic. Thank you so much! Have a blessed day, Julia 🥰♥️🙏🏽
You’re doing God’s work. Stay strong 🙏🏼 God will reward you for being a loving person. Being a caregiver is to love someone. I went to mass today and the priest reminder us that Jesus told us to LOVE others, as in a verb not the feeling. You are loving that person through your actions as a caregiver. That takes A LOT of love and devotion. God bless you. I hope he relieves you of your sorrows so that you no longer suffer. I hope that you find joy and happiness in the small moments in life. ❤
Deepest Thanks & Appreciation for this video. Currently, I am on vacation visiting family and SO MUCH resentment has been brought to the surface. My behavioral patterns & mindset are quite opposite of my immediate family, particularly because this is my 1st year not drinking since 2005 so many emotions/feelings of resentment are being experienced. I feel resentment, but after watching this video, a bit of guilt is starting to settle in. I tend to be relentless in bettering oneself and believe that I spill this over to my family- who seem content where they are (better said, complain about there situation but never change it do anything about it) My heart is telling me that my family needs a professional mediator to have these conversations as mentioned before. Again, thank you
Thank you 🙏🏻 A hugh lightbulb has come on, such a paradigm shift for me!! It had been a childhood abandonment issue which kept coming up in my life over the years where I would see this pattern of getting stuck feeling angry, victimized, depressed. This has helped me tremendously❤
When we’re always the empathetic problem solver in our professional & personal lives, we tend to draw to us- & be drawn to people- with a lesser capacity to show up for us. It can create a vicious cycle that reinforces deep core beliefs that nobody cares enough to show up for us… especially if you grew up in a toxic &/or abusive family dynamic. I’ve been dancing with my own feelings of anger & resentment as a result of being groomed by the above- mentioned family dynamics. It has set me up to participate in lopsided relationships across the board. After 5 decades, I am having more compassion & understanding & forgiveness toward my abusers- although I now have absolutely no expectation of the same from them, nor do I feel the need or desire to try & rectify the past. But, I am able to see people’s efforts, however small, to show up for me to the best of their capacity. It is not the ideal, but it is liberating me from some of the sadness & anger. Not quite the same issue but- adjacent, as I’ve had to look at my negative emotions & self- regulate. In my situation, I’ve been able to differentiate between expressing anger in a healthy way & feeling the resentment sour into bitterness. I tell myself ‘they did their best’ even knowing it will never replace authentic love & support. And I appreciate the support they were able to give in other ways. This is a very complicated & multi- layered topic. Julia does an amazing job at offering perspective on it to diminish some of the resentment. Brava!
Good morning Julia 😊 it’s been a while and I just wanted to. Thank you so much your program. Help me put a lot of things into perspective. We’re attention goes energy flows.😊 namaste, and thank you again for your love and your support and all your awesome videos🤙🏽♥️
Wow, this feels so real. I need to strike a balance. I find I overdo so I get resentful when I am barely considered. I've been struggling with feeling unheard in a lot of my relationships. I am usually intentional about listening to others, remember things going on in their lives following up etc. And perhaps I deep down expect that to be reciprocated. For the most part I feel invisible, unseen, and unimportant. But perhaps that's a me problem that has nothing to do with others and I need to work on that. But as someone who has abandonment issues the rejections/perceived rejections just make me want to retreat and hide. I'm aware that's not a fix. Doesn't make it any easier.
Thank you for this talk! I was actually struggling with this earlier in the day. Someone in my life struggles with their own mental health issues and I find myself feeling resentful that “I have to be the strong one.” Caught these type of thoughts this morning. Took a breath. Asked myself what I needed to do to take care of myself. Acknowledged the kind things that other person has done for me. This talk hit home 💛
Thank you Mrs. Julia for the insight. Progressively I became resentful because I've been through EXTREME hardships and COMPLEX TRAUMA. When you grow up with a narcissistic family, it can have you develop some toxic traits even as the black sheep of the family. All along it's been a cry for help, but I never had the friends who were willing or knew anything about my situations. To play devil's advocate, ALOT of my friends are very passive (so you can't really tell if they're being honest with the friendship) so you can start to get highly annoyed when it seems one-sided regardless how much you ask how they feel in the relationship.❤
this video helped me realize something extremely important yes I had no idea my expectations of others were based on what I would do for others.. Thank Julia K 💐💐💐💐
Hmm. I expected NOT to be stabbed in the back and have my personal info put out where I didn't choose it to be. I still don't believe my expectations were too high. Betrayal sucks!
I agree, we’re told not to have too high expectations of others, yet we’re told the only way we can truly thrive is by building healthy and loving connections. I don’t think it’s too higher expectation to be treated respect, but we have to remain boundaried as there many out there willing to exploit us. It’s hard.
I think the issue is picking the right people. The right people are healthy people or people working towards health. That way we will have reasonable expectations and we probably won’t have to expect because healthy people do healthy things!
You have made me think of things from the past where I did not question having to do things myself, or by myself. Everyone was working. I recently realized this issue in my older sister who is bitter and resentful, yet as you state we all have our own load. It goes both ways, sometimes the help you give is not acknowledged, or we do not understand we are assisted to help ourselves.
I have been in a circumstance such as this. I just dropped it and try to focus on listening to them. I don't have or know expectations. Hello to the folks and Shifter and team JuliaKristina, hi lady and Madame. Glad to hear that you are brave and exceedingly capable. You are so much stronger and wiser and just "more" than when you started. Beautiful souls, well done.
My manager blames her mom for her problems. She labels her mom as narcissistic and not taking responsibility for what happened in her childhood. She gets really angry sometimes and has now fixated her anger on a colleague who she is now labelling as narcissistic because she ‘reminds me of my mom.’ I have not been able to respond to her constant ranting about her mom but now I have an idea. Thank you💕
❤thank you so much for this...as many others mist likely struggle with this ...I have a huge struggle in this area. The points you brought out for dealing with this are so very helpful. Shifted my view. Will be listening to this many times more. ❤
I hear you. But i also think that as a society we dont suport eachother enough....other cultures dont opperate like this. I have communities of new mothers, for example, and the CULTURE of the community is around supporting eachother. That is the way the group operates. Its totoally human not to feel supported and feeling resentment, especially in a culture where people dont opperate with a consciusness of supporting eachother.
You raise a great point. How can one hold space for others if others aren't or choose not to be conscious about themselves? How can one hold space for those who have a victim-like mentality? Should one lower their expectations to make others around them feel "comfortable"?
I find myself in the middle of this very thing seversl times in many situations and end up in an arguement with self and dealing with my anger, resentment and feeling sorry for me. Haha its a full time job for me, Im 71 and change sometimes is a dirty word that being said, THANK YOU for so much help I get from you and I share your videos with my few friends and even some family members who are really trying to become better in our minds. I probably rambled but THANK YOU in my opinion you are AWSOME needed this today in real time😮
Hi Julia! Senior Shifter Chris here! Julia, for being a "raw" impromptu, video this was an excellent one! Good job! I was looking forward to this video when you shared in your stories that you were going to put one out on this topic. This video, “How to Stop Being Bitter and Resentful.” is such a good one. I had a hard time taking notes, because I was just so into listening, I didn’t want to stop it. I usually stop the video and then take my notes throughout. Yes, I had been thinking about this. I do find myself usually checking in with friends and not many usually check back in with me. However, with some friends, I do get maybe a little hurt especially when there isn’t much communication but with others, I am actually okay with it because yes, I know other friends have their own stuff but some friendships I feel more secure in. I personally just love checking in with my friends and I do this out of genuine care and not to people please. It does make me feel good about myself. I love also saying encouraging things and kinds to things to them and sending random messages of care and encouragement. I do check in with my intentions and try not to have any expectations. I also don’t want to do these things so that I can get something in return because I don’t think that is very genuine. However, if that being said, if I do find myself becoming bitter or resentful then I would say it is my responsibility to communicate that with my friends and ask them what they are willing to offer within boundary limits. Vice versa. Like you said, Afterall, relationships are about giving and receiving for connection. Here are my notes: *Having expectations cannot always be helpful, especially if other people can't or are willing or able to meet them. *Do you make or expect your hardships or stressful situations to try to be your friend or partner's top priority? "Why weren't they there for me?" "Why didn't they check up on me." "They did or didn't." " They should or shouldn't. " *In relationships, it's okay to rely on each other to a degree. Giving and receiving is what connection is. *When things become problematic is when our expectations are out of an alignment of what someone is offering or what we THINK someone should offer. *Having something painful or stressful situation and expecting the other person to have that central to them as their priority is not really fair or helpful. Other people have their own stuff, stress, pain and challenges. *Ask ourselves, what are we expecting of others? Are the expectations creating peace or creating anger and resentment? *Ask yourself when you are feeling resentment, "What am I doing to create this experience?" I expect my own resentment and anger by expecting others to do things a certain way. I need to be okay with knowing not everyone can meet my own expectations. We also can forget to recognize the thing that people are doing. (Watch the mental filter distorted thoughts) *When we feel that people aren't considering us, taking step back, "Are my expectations higher than what can be offered, that I am not seeing what is offered." *Again, recognize that others have their own stuff and how can we be there for them and when they have been there for us and work on our own stuff, only with their support.
@sandi5276 Thank you so much. I so glad my notes help. Sadly, my father passed away last Wednesday so I didn't have energy to take down notes on her last video.
Hi, I just subbed! I get what you're saying. I go through this all the time, I'd drop everything to help a neighbor in any situation but, there's many times I've been in trouble, like being helped into the hose after a bad fall causing a fracturd knee and tibia. My neighbors saw this and never called or came over to ask if I needed anything, this is after going out of our way to help them with so many things over the years, I was deeply hurt and angry. They certainly had the time, they just didn't care, Thankyou for this very nice video, just listening to you will surely help me understand!😊
My job and toxic environment with people in it killed my old self. I have always been positive, happy and sociable person. Never judging, no grudge and no negativity. Now I stuck with person I don't know. My women left me as I became unbearable and negative.
"..these expectations we have of others..."---perhaps because it was them who gave us these expectations. It was they who said they would do, or be such and such....and then it was them who just left, without any conscience. Notice I put this all in plural. I am bitter and resentful because I earned it.
It all starts with forgiveness for oneself. Nobody wakes up thinking they’re going to have to make your life better today, not even your own mom, as people have their own issues/lives/traumas to deal with. Some are even on just survival mode for each day. It’s bad enough people become bitter because they have strokes of “main character syndrome” and set expectations from others in their own head, and expect people to react to it and clean it up. It’s not a straight forward thing and varies in each individual cases. I think being self aware/conscious about one’s behaviour should be a starting point. Deep rooted issues can spill out into anger at what one has become and that is often projection. Hoping someone will fix it. Clock on quickly, we all have the same time here…there are people out there that becoming their best self/learning/ adapting whilst we speak…what is stopping you. Get help if you have to, the 1st step is acknowledging you have a problem, that’s the hardest part. Could you imagine what kind of world we’d be living in idle everyone was self aware and forgave themselves?
Thank you so much. This is very relevant to my journey at the moment, I needed to hear that. I've listened to a few of your articles so far and found a lot of really good stuff. I think your style is very disarming and as I make realizations that I do a lot of these negative things I feel lifted instead of guilty and ashamed. Thanks again, I love your work. Stu.
Jaded. Just plain jaded. Survival mode One day at a time. Counting my blessings is something we should focus on instead of being bitter or resentful... its hard as f But we gotta understand the world does NOT revolve around us... We are NOT are as important as we like to think... give folks space, and we should take space for ourselves to watch these videos!!! It helps a lot! Thank you so much Mam! 🙏 I appreciate this so much! 😊
Thank you for putting it in perspective! I needed to hear it from someone else's mouth. Very inspiring, insightful and helpful. I forget other people have lives too. Not to mention they're not sitting around thinking about me! They're sitting around worrying about their stuff! ❤❤❤
When my family was going through a tough time, we were ridiculed by a family member about not being around as much, etc. But now that the tables are turned and they are going through something similar, we are getting ridiculed again for not doing enough or caring enough when we are just letting them do their thing. It is hard to not be resentful
I am 6 minutes into the video, and let me just say this: I do not expect people to put my life and my issues in the center of their lives. All that I want at the place where I am right now, is for someone to just know how to listen and hold a normal conversation, instead of jumping from one subject to the next. My brain was not made with an abort button the way some people have it. When a thought is not finished in a conversation, this thought just stays in my head, and the conversation has moved way pass it and I'm left with it. I'm tired
Alcoholism force me to go to someone for help. The problem with that was I wasn't looking for the help, only to satisfy the court. I still have a problem with asking for help.
A lot of what you have shared here in this video strikes very true and is a really good message. I am struggling with the same issues because I like you and one of those people in this case a disability advocate who goes out and changes other people's lives and helps them on some of the most difficult days of their life many people consider me their friends but only seem to call upon me when it is for something that they need and I am struggling to take a step back and see as you have suggested will they have put in the effort and that is not just a one-sided situation. For those that I have seen make the effort and actually want to spend time when it's not doing something for them those people are allowed to remain friends. I do have quite a bit of bitterness and I accept that I struggle to try to find the good in people including those that I am helping. I'm trying to find the solution in what you have talked through and I don't ever recall play Centerpoint others to drop everything to be there for me. I just expect a certain amount of human decency in order to remain being my friend I appreciate the time and effort that you put into making this content to help those who are struggling.
Thank you for making this video available for us. I felt it for the first time. I never knew what I was doing to the people I care so much about. Thank you for sharing your experiences. ❤
Ya know, I think there are reasonable expectations that you can have. That you CAN have. Especially from a spouse. If your spouse and family refuses to meet your needs and help you, who else is there?? That is where bitterness comes from, perfectly reasonable expectations not being met. How do you deal with THAT kind of bitterness?
How do you deal with situations though where the expectations you put on people who you thought were friends are reasonable? For example you have expectations for friends and even acquaintances to not lie about you and spread malicious rumors to hurt you. Obviously you wouldn't hang out with people like that because they act like children and don't have your best interest at heart. It is still extremely painful because of the fallout and not being able to trust anyone else in the future because your expectations were reasonable of a decent human being.
Good video and yes all givers probably have been there. It’s our responsibility to recognize if we have overloaded ourselves with taking to much on. I also believe choosing relationships that are on the same level of give and take is important so we’re not falling into a trap of resentment because it feels like we are doing too much
thank you Julia. This video is going to help me once again, like other videos of you You can always deliver the same message to us from different perspectives, this is so inspiring when I am stuck in my mind due to my expectation to the others that create my feelings of resentment this is truly not necessary and this is truly my own thoughts that make it what it means to me you are wonderful is sharing the message to us from time to time I was one of your Shifter, I will rejoin the Shift Society for sure ❤
Thank you so much Julia for this video!! Im gonna need to watch it a good few times as it speak to me. Difficulties in work, life create complicate things for me. As Im looking to help myself and calm things down few notches.
Thank you for this. I struggle with considering what my spouse is going through and only focus on my needs. I need to communicate more and evaluate my expectations. Unfortunately, I get overwhelmed and feel resentful with the lack of help.
I really appreciate your message, and I agree that you shouldn't make your problems become other people's. But I have such a difficult time maintaining this in the case of parents/caretakers, even into adulthood.
Another very helpful and powerful perspective by Harry Browne , an article written maybe 5 decades ago but still quite valid and so true: No one Owes You Anything
I have cut some long term friends for this reason, but i have to said that they didnt add up in the last years of our relationship, they have their stuff i totally understand that, i even text them my thoughts that we were more distant than before and i understand that each one is dealing with their own problems and situations...what i got in return "you are just crazy" "you are messing up stuff", so i cut them completly from my life, i only have contact with only one of them that wasnt like the rest and still have a great friendship with him, i dont want them on my life anymore, my other friend told me that i have to think more, i said i better this way for now.
I agree wholeheartedly, I try to he conscientious about things as much as possible. What about family that's consistently dismissive and/or belittling? I think it'd be understandable to develop a sense of resentment then right, not that I necessarily want to have it - Isn't the healthiest place to remain in, that's the battle I guess especially when depression bubbles up and roundhouse kicks you with remembering negative comments until you feel that heart ache. It's been happening almost every day now lol I am very lonely and isolated, but when my mental health isn't messing with me I feel like myself in between those days, self-care and self-compassion - Feel great, optimistic and empowered. Then Mr. Depression roundhouse kicks me again until I leave work early or something because I can't emotionally take it and lose focus. Next day I'm very productive. Off and on, off and on...
My younger sister has HUGE issues with bitterness and Resentment towards my mother due to our childhood. It’s actually ruining her as a person. She’s unbelievably awful. She cannot let go whatsoever and is a continuous burden on my mother. I also had a little issue with Bitterness in my earlier years growing up and I can say I kind of got around these issues through repeated exercise. Challenging myself physically and strenuously for over 15 years now has help my growth in such positive ways that I’ve ground these problems out of me. I’m 43 now and as I human I’m happier than I’ve ever been within myself and feel at my most mature. However I have no idea how my sister is Going to deal with her demons ? It’s never a truer saying that you either get Better “ or Bitterer “ 😊
@scotthunt People can share the same family members and have a completely different history with them. You are judging your sister, from your own relationship with your mother, so that you can pat yourself on the back. Not cool, and definitely not healthy.
@@sandi5276 am I ? You must know me really well ? I actually don’t look to judge anyone to pat myself on the back . What I do is See the toxicity in some people and try my best to learn from that . I was giving you and example I’m not looking for validation from you or anyone.
Are you spying on my life?!?! I was looking for something like this. Im doing all right in my life, but Im starting to dislike ppl in general. Im always there loyal to them, but they dont care about me. And im not expecting much: a call, a text, a question just to check up on you.
Great video and I appreciate and understand it. Do these principles apply as much if you’re talking about a relationship between two spouses? Should the expectations be more than with other relationships?
Girl! I need to watch this once a month. This hit me so right at the right time in my life. Heard it before but it literally hits different today. This is what I heard! What are they capable of offering within the context of this relationship? Who are they? And considering who I am, seeing both through clear lenses And what choice or action do I need to take as a result. What do I want is this relationship tolerable or what kink do I need to work out within myself! Hello ❤🎉 Thank you! 🙏🏾 lol so good
I love the honesty and vulnerability. Great channel and well articulated. Some feedback though, maybe try to be more concise and slower to talk. Other than that great video
I have to add that when you are in a relationship with someone or married. That goes without saying that there should be some reciprocity and in a healthy relationship you will get this without issue. In a dis fictional relationship or narcissistic relationship. You will have a lot of resentment. I’m defensive listening to this because after 22 yrs being cheated on lies to and gaslighted which folks it’s different than just lying. I’m a bitter b. Trying desperately to not lose myself but being honest and recognizing I have gone through hell and it not over. One day at a time
I have a big problem with resentment.I think it comes from being disrespected and being treated unloved.And not being able to trust some people.
I think this lecture is not working for me specifically in a marriage where you need to do things and how long you can go belong under appreciated
Very good point and I too identify with your comment for myself as well!
I still have these feelings though I have learned to accept that, most of my resentment is actually because I didn't respect or love myself enough in those times. I didn't enforce boundaries to prevent people doing that to me.
Sure people still disrespect me but, I also don't allow them to do it twice because, I respect myself to not keep them around me.
Trusting myself and that I can enforce boundaries, be authentic and be ok with not pleasing everyone is my hardest mission yet. Often I feel I need to be able to feel enough trust, respect and love from others to then confirm, i can give those to myself. But that's backwards! I need to feel those things for myself first and, then see it from others as; confirmation.
Yes exactly
I feel that way towards a daughter in law. When I make a scheduled visit to see the grandkids, my bed is not made up, no meals planned except for when my son does it, table is never cleaned off or laundry put away, very uncommunicative . If I take g kids out she never asks how it went or what we got to do or see . Feel very sad and that maybe she doesn’t even want us there! Help!
I cried the entire video because I have such high expectations of others and I get so resentful and angry. This all stems from my childhood and not getting my needs met. This is a big disrupter in my relationships now and why I do isolate myself. I realize how much personal work I need to do to get past this so that I can have thriving relationships and also a better relationship with myself. Thank you for putting this video out there. It's been a mirror for me.
You are not alone! I also was casted to the side as a child due to older sibling life drama. Now as an adult, so relentless in achieving my goals that i tend to spill over that discipline and the way I carry myself upon my family. Again, you are now alone, baby steps. Journaling has helped me with getting to know myself. Now with this video, i will start dabbling into the shadow side of my family's past
I had a friend growing up that had ridiculously high standards of his friends. But he never seemed to even try to meet those standards himself. Tried hard for a long time to understand that dynamic...but I never really could. I feel like what he was after was unconditional love. Do you think that's what you were looking for? Like maybe pushing people away to see who would stick around?
@@ct6852 it's possible. I still have a hard time understanding myself. I know that I need to give myself that unconditional love first instead of expecting others to give it to me and that starts with self acceptance. It's a learning process. It would make sense what you are saying.
She got me. I cried too. Raw revelations. I have such a long way to go.
I totally relate.
This had been my struggle lately. I've been struggling with depression and anxiety. I'm the type of person who would reach out. I want friends or people to reach out to me without saying something. 🙃
I’ve definitely gone through this my whole life. Someone once told me that not everyone has my heart. After listening to this vid….I fully understand what that meant. I have been in a great deal of one sided relationships with friends and family and most moved on without verbally telling me. I fought to hold on and definitely became bitter, resentful, sad. I learning how to deal. Thank you Julia.
This perspective is SO important. Our lives are short and rushed. So it’s easy to miss learning that our problems are central to our lives but that others too are fighting to survive. It’s not personal per se.
Ego. Learn to kill it. Minimize it. Which in turn helps you to let go of things easier.
❤
🙏❤️
How?
Thank you for this, Julia. Sometimes we do need to step back, reflect, and shift our perspective. I am a truly terrible person right now. I feel resentment towards every part of my life right now-work, school, home and most of all myself. I'm someone that's ungrateful and isn't able to appreciate the good things that come my way. With relationships, I feel like I need to fix myself before I approach others because-who would want to be friends with someone negative that brings things down? I may as well be poison...I do have one friend though. I told this friend about my struggle and he was understanding and stuck with me, but sometimes I wnat more from him-more help and more attention and for him to be better at conversations, but those expectations are too high and I should step down and realize "hey, I'm not in the center of everything." At the end of the day it's my life, my problems and others don't have to sacrifice themselves for me...I hope I can become a better person and get rid of this hatred I carry.
First step is realizing the painful truth. Im currently swallowing that pill of accepting things as they are (externally of course).
I know you left this comment a little while back but i relate so much to it and I wanted to say that I'm with you and I hope you get to reach the place of peace in your life that you're looking for. I also hope that you're not being too hard on yourself because as much as we need to work on being more appreciative and expect less from others, I do think we need to understand that we are not inherently bad people. Anyway, thank you for this comment, it made me feel less alone!
I am going to be brutal about resentment; I think sometimes some of us have been dealt a harsher hand in life than others. We’ve been treated badly things just haven’t worked out whether it be marriage, family relationships and jobs. It’s been a nightmare. Health maybe good but everything else is pretty rubbish. Suffering from
Mental health most your life. Now the gratitude maybe we’ll be thankful for your health. But my question is is for e.g., you have a car and mostly everything in it has broken down except the gear box. The car can’t move. So we can’t just say the gear box is working atleast so be grateful. The other parts of the car are not working so the car can’t move. So it’s no use. Similarly if everything in life is wrong save as to your health what’s the point?
Really great lesson! I find myself feeling sorry for me at times with people not knowing I need help. Not even asking, expecting them to read my mind and being resentful that no one is there for me. Not fair to them!!! Great lesson Thank you
Love the vulnerability of sharing when raw instead of when it is all neatly buttoned up in the past. You can hear it in your voice and it resonates powerfully. ❤
I feel called out. I have done all of these things. Thank you for the awareness. I let go of my resentment NOW.
It is important to also have a sharing of expectations as appropriate in relationships to demystify any expectations and related thoughts and feelings. Trying to mind read or wanting others to mind read is dangerous in relationships. The sharing of expectations and demystifying can eliminate those dangers. Also, when sharing expectations in relationships, when others are unwilling to meet any desired expectations you have, to move forward in the relationship, it will require making peace with how far they are willing to go, or, perhaps moving away from that relationship. Healthy compromise is one of the keys to relational success.
Omg, as a new parent it hits spot on. You want help from others, yet it is unrealistic to expect others to put your needs first. No matter how important they are. I am working on this ans thankfully my partner has gotten around and is helping more with the care of the baby as I was getting overwhelmed sometimes. Communication is everything
Hello Julia,
You are usually spot on; and that’s one reason I come back and listen to your advice. And you’ve helped me keep my sanity a time or two. But this is the second video I’ve seen of yours where I think you’re giving your” friends “more credit than they merit.
The way I see it is partly in concordance with you. I agree that having expectations of others that essentially are a must do; is recipe for getting angry and acting out; possibly doing damage, followed by self recrimination and regret.
Where I would part with your thinking I will illustrate below with two examples from your own playbook.
The one above in which your friends offered no help and the time when you gave an old girlfriend a schedule of the times you could see her when she came to town followed by learning that she scheduled time with others during the times you were available.
You had the same self negating reaction then and now.
It’s not that either party owed you help or owed you scheduling. Their actions are information. You happen to have friends who don’t think that much about you.
The fact is what people do tells you a lot. Perhaps especially about yourself.
Its absolutely the norm to offer help to a woman camping for the first time with 3 kids. I would. Most people would. It’s the gesture that was missing. Just knowing you could ask for help if you needed it would’ve put you at ease. My god, it’s because they have a lot more experience & stuff that they could’ve offered. That’s not an expectation. That’s called manners.
I too have a very old friend who whenever she comes to town, makes plans with everyone else and then gives me the dregs, and guess what we talk about; her. So it’s information. I don’t go out of my way because last time I checked I was not a doormat.
In this department I want to tell you, just know these people are not your friends, they are and will always be acquaintances. Know that this is how you will be treated ;if you still want to spend time with them. A friend would’ve asked if you needed any help and made sure you & kids are ok. And you would do the same.
Your whole channel is about leading a saner better life. It’s a remarkable offering and you are a wonderfully emotional yet intellectual & generous psychologist and person.
I learned this perspective from a former husband. It can be necessary sometimes for to take a cold look at what is.
I agree with this 💯
I understand what you are saying but at the same time I think the point of the video is looking at the behavior and instead of getting bitter and resentful, use their lack of offering support as a sign to take personal action, whether that is asking for help, or using the information realize you need to pull back from the relationship.
Thank you Julia! The discussion of this topic and the way it was conducted has really connected with me because it is the primary relationship issue that I have been struggling with for many years. Viewing my partner primarily in terms of the things they're not providing for me and minimizing all the things that they do for me, failing to realize that I can't (and should not) be the center of their universe. Placing excessive value on the lack of fulfilment of these selfish (and unrealistic) expectations places excessive stress on my spouse. Reigning in all that mental clutter and putting it in the proper perspective will help redirect the relationship into a better healthier place for both of us.
I often feel resentful and bitter I am always taken advantage of, which is my fault to a degree. I hate feeling this way, especially since it's people you ❤️
You should maybe relay this to the person
Me too 😔PS I am a full-time caregiver for my significant other so this topic is resonating with me. There are times when I feel a little bitter and resentful. Cause I feel like I have the world on my shoulders sometimes. He’s an incomplete paraplegic in a wheelchair 🦼 anyhow love the topic. Thank you so much! Have a blessed day, Julia 🥰♥️🙏🏽
Hello my friend!! I hope you are well. =)
You’re doing God’s work. Stay strong 🙏🏼 God will reward you for being a loving person. Being a caregiver is to love someone. I went to mass today and the priest reminder us that Jesus told us to LOVE others, as in a verb not the feeling. You are loving that person through your actions as a caregiver. That takes A LOT of love and devotion. God bless you. I hope he relieves you of your sorrows so that you no longer suffer. I hope that you find joy and happiness in the small moments in life. ❤
Deepest Thanks & Appreciation for this video.
Currently, I am on vacation visiting family and SO MUCH resentment has been brought to the surface.
My behavioral patterns & mindset are quite opposite of my immediate family, particularly because this is my 1st year not drinking since 2005 so many emotions/feelings of resentment are being experienced.
I feel resentment, but after watching this video, a bit of guilt is starting to settle in. I tend to be relentless in bettering oneself and believe that I spill this over to my family- who seem content where they are (better said, complain about there situation but never change it do anything about it)
My heart is telling me that my family needs a professional mediator to have these conversations as mentioned before.
Again, thank you
Getting sober can bring up a TON of buried emotions. Take it a day at a time. Can be too overwhelming to address too much too soon. Give it time.
@ct6852 thank you man! Was. Very emotional time with heavy stagnant energies. Had to clean up & get everything crispy before shipping out back home.
Thank you 🙏🏻 A hugh lightbulb has come on, such a paradigm shift for me!! It had been a childhood abandonment issue which kept coming up in my life over the years where I would see this pattern of getting stuck feeling angry, victimized, depressed. This has helped me tremendously❤
What a "shift" from self sabotaging thinking.....many many thanks. Best yet.
When we’re always the empathetic problem solver in our professional & personal lives, we tend to draw to us- & be drawn to people- with a lesser capacity to show up for us. It can create a vicious cycle that reinforces deep core beliefs that nobody cares enough to show up for us… especially if you grew up in a toxic &/or abusive family dynamic.
I’ve been dancing with my own feelings of anger & resentment as a result of being groomed by the above- mentioned family dynamics. It has set me up to participate in lopsided relationships across the board. After 5 decades, I am having more compassion & understanding & forgiveness toward my abusers- although I now have absolutely no expectation of the same from them, nor do I feel the need or desire to try & rectify the past. But, I am able to see people’s efforts, however small, to show up for me to the best of their capacity. It is not the ideal, but it is liberating me from some of the sadness & anger. Not quite the same issue but- adjacent, as I’ve had to look at my negative emotions & self- regulate. In my situation, I’ve been able to differentiate between expressing anger in a healthy way & feeling the resentment sour into bitterness. I tell myself ‘they did their best’ even knowing it will never replace authentic love & support. And I appreciate the support they were able to give in other ways. This is a very complicated & multi- layered topic. Julia does an amazing job at offering perspective on it to diminish some of the resentment. Brava!
Good morning Julia 😊 it’s been a while and I just wanted to. Thank you so much your program. Help me put a lot of things into perspective. We’re attention goes energy flows.😊 namaste, and thank you again for your love and your support and all your awesome videos🤙🏽♥️
Wow, this feels so real. I need to strike a balance. I find I overdo so I get resentful when I am barely considered. I've been struggling with feeling unheard in a lot of my relationships. I am usually intentional about listening to others, remember things going on in their lives following up etc. And perhaps I deep down expect that to be reciprocated. For the most part I feel invisible, unseen, and unimportant. But perhaps that's a me problem that has nothing to do with others and I need to work on that. But as someone who has abandonment issues the rejections/perceived rejections just make me want to retreat and hide. I'm aware that's not a fix. Doesn't make it any easier.
Omgg, I totally relate with this!!
Thank you for this talk! I was actually struggling with this earlier in the day. Someone in my life struggles with their own mental health issues and I find myself feeling resentful that “I have to be the strong one.” Caught these type of thoughts this morning. Took a breath. Asked myself what I needed to do to take care of myself. Acknowledged the kind things that other person has done for me. This talk hit home 💛
Starts at 3:50, then repetitive.
Thank you Mrs. Julia for the insight. Progressively I became resentful because I've been through EXTREME hardships and COMPLEX TRAUMA. When you grow up with a narcissistic family, it can have you develop some toxic traits even as the black sheep of the family. All along it's been a cry for help, but I never had the friends who were willing or knew anything about my situations. To play devil's advocate, ALOT of my friends are very passive (so you can't really tell if they're being honest with the friendship) so you can start to get highly annoyed when it seems one-sided regardless how much you ask how they feel in the relationship.❤
I have an expectation that my boundaries are respected, I won't be gaslit, and I will be respected.
this video helped me realize something extremely important yes I had no idea my expectations of others were based on what I would do for others.. Thank Julia K 💐💐💐💐
Hmm. I expected NOT to be stabbed in the back and have my personal info put out where I didn't choose it to be. I still don't believe my expectations were too high. Betrayal sucks!
I agree, we’re told not to have too high expectations of others, yet we’re told the only way we can truly thrive is by building healthy and loving connections.
I don’t think it’s too higher expectation to be treated respect, but we have to remain boundaried as there many out there willing to exploit us. It’s hard.
I think the issue is picking the right people. The right people are healthy people or people working towards health. That way we will have reasonable expectations and we probably won’t have to expect because healthy people do healthy things!
Expectations are premeditated resentments! Were you reading my mind? Just what I needed to hear!
You have made me think of things from the past where I did not question having to do things myself, or by myself. Everyone was working. I recently realized this issue in my older sister who is bitter and resentful, yet as you state we all have our own load. It goes both ways, sometimes the help you give is not acknowledged, or we do not understand we are assisted to help ourselves.
I have been in a circumstance such as this. I just dropped it and try to focus on listening to them. I don't have or know expectations.
Hello to the folks and Shifter and team JuliaKristina, hi lady and Madame. Glad to hear that you are brave and exceedingly capable. You are so much stronger and wiser and just "more" than when you started. Beautiful souls, well done.
My manager blames her mom for her problems. She labels her mom as narcissistic and not taking responsibility for what happened in her childhood. She gets really angry sometimes and has now fixated her anger on a colleague who she is now labelling as narcissistic because she ‘reminds me of my mom.’ I have not been able to respond to her constant ranting about her mom but now I have an idea. Thank you💕
❤thank you so much for this...as many others mist likely struggle with this ...I have a huge struggle in this area. The points you brought out for dealing with this are so very helpful. Shifted my view. Will be listening to this many times more. ❤
This is a good example of not taking on more than one can handle.
100%
Hi Julia, I’m here to say I appreciate all your content but I also appreciate how simple you edit your content: black and white.
Senior Shifter Tasha here! Thanks for this video Julia and for being vulnerable and sharing your experience. This is a very powerful video.
thank you❤ This is true, and I think by taking your advice is also applying compassion to ourselves and others.
I hear you. But i also think that as a society we dont suport eachother enough....other cultures dont opperate like this.
I have communities of new mothers, for example, and the CULTURE of the community is around supporting eachother. That is the way the group operates.
Its totoally human not to feel supported and feeling resentment, especially in a culture where people dont opperate with a consciusness of supporting eachother.
You raise a great point.
How can one hold space for others if others aren't or choose not to be conscious about themselves?
How can one hold space for those who have a victim-like mentality?
Should one lower their expectations to make others around them feel "comfortable"?
I find myself in the middle of this very thing seversl times in many situations and end up in an arguement with self and dealing with my anger, resentment and feeling sorry for me. Haha its a full time job for me, Im 71 and change sometimes is a dirty word that being said, THANK YOU for so much help I get from you and I share your videos with my few friends and even some family members who are really trying to become better in our minds. I probably rambled but THANK YOU in my opinion you are AWSOME needed this today in real time😮
Hi Julia! Senior Shifter Chris here!
Julia, for being a "raw" impromptu, video this was an excellent one! Good job!
I was looking forward to this video when you shared in your stories that you were going to put one out on this topic.
This video, “How to Stop Being Bitter and Resentful.” is such a good one. I had a hard time taking notes, because I was just so into listening, I didn’t want to stop it. I usually stop the video and then take my notes throughout.
Yes, I had been thinking about this. I do find myself usually checking in with friends and not many usually check back in with me. However, with some friends, I do get maybe a little hurt especially when there isn’t much communication but with others, I am actually okay with it because yes, I know other friends have their own stuff but some friendships I feel more secure in. I personally just love checking in with my friends and I do this out of genuine care and not to people please. It does make me feel good about myself. I love also saying encouraging things and kinds to things to them and sending random messages of care and encouragement.
I do check in with my intentions and try not to have any expectations. I also don’t want to do these things so that I can get something in return because I don’t think that is very genuine. However, if that being said, if I do find myself becoming bitter or resentful then I would say it is my responsibility to communicate that with my friends and ask them what they are willing to offer within boundary limits. Vice versa. Like you said, Afterall, relationships are about giving and receiving for connection.
Here are my notes:
*Having expectations cannot always be helpful, especially if other people can't or are willing or able to meet them.
*Do you make or expect your hardships or stressful situations to try to be your friend or partner's top priority? "Why weren't they there for me?" "Why didn't they check up on me." "They did or didn't." " They should or shouldn't. "
*In relationships, it's okay to rely on each other to a degree. Giving and receiving is what connection is.
*When things become problematic is when our expectations are out of an alignment of what someone is offering or what we THINK someone should offer.
*Having something painful or stressful situation and expecting the other person to have that central to them as their priority is not really fair or helpful. Other people have their own stuff, stress, pain and challenges.
*Ask ourselves, what are we expecting of others? Are the expectations creating peace or creating anger and resentment?
*Ask yourself when you are feeling resentment, "What am I doing to create this experience?" I expect my own resentment and anger by expecting others to do things a certain way. I need to be okay with knowing not everyone can meet my own expectations.
We also can forget to recognize the thing that people are doing. (Watch the mental filter distorted thoughts)
*When we feel that people aren't considering us, taking step back, "Are my expectations higher than what can be offered, that I am not seeing what is offered."
*Again, recognize that others have their own stuff and how can we be there for them and when they have been there for us and work on our own stuff, only with their support.
@ Chris Hi Chris - I'm a note taker as well, and this is GREAT to collaborate with my own notes. 100%
@sandi5276 Thank you so much. I so glad my notes help. Sadly, my father passed away last Wednesday so I didn't have energy to take down notes on her last video.
Hi, I just subbed! I get what you're saying. I go through this all the time, I'd drop everything to help a neighbor in any situation but, there's many times I've been in trouble, like being helped into the hose after a bad fall causing a fracturd knee and tibia. My neighbors saw this and never called or came over to ask if I needed anything, this is after going out of our way to help them with so many things over the years, I was deeply hurt and angry. They certainly had the time, they just didn't care, Thankyou for this very nice video, just listening to you will surely help me understand!😊
My job and toxic environment with people in it killed my old self. I have always been positive, happy and sociable person. Never judging, no grudge and no negativity. Now I stuck with person I don't know. My women left me as I became unbearable and negative.
"..these expectations we have of others..."---perhaps because it was them who gave us these expectations. It was they who said they would do, or be such and such....and then it was them who just left, without any conscience. Notice I put this all in plural. I am bitter and resentful because I earned it.
It all starts with forgiveness for oneself.
Nobody wakes up thinking they’re going to have to make your life better today, not even your own mom, as people have their own issues/lives/traumas to deal with. Some are even on just survival mode for each day.
It’s bad enough people become bitter because they have strokes of “main character syndrome” and set expectations from others in their own head, and expect people to react to it and clean it up.
It’s not a straight forward thing and varies in each individual cases.
I think being self aware/conscious about one’s behaviour should be a starting point.
Deep rooted issues can spill out into anger at what one has become and that is often projection. Hoping someone will fix it.
Clock on quickly, we all have the same time here…there are people out there that becoming their best self/learning/ adapting whilst we speak…what is stopping you.
Get help if you have to, the 1st step is acknowledging you have a problem, that’s the hardest part.
Could you imagine what kind of world we’d be living in idle everyone was self aware and forgave themselves?
Thank you so much. This is very relevant to my journey at the moment, I needed to hear that.
I've listened to a few of your articles so far and found a lot of really good stuff. I think your style is very disarming and as I make realizations that I do a lot of these negative things I feel lifted instead of guilty and ashamed.
Thanks again, I love your work. Stu.
Jaded. Just plain jaded.
Survival mode
One day at a time.
Counting my blessings is something we should focus on instead of being bitter or resentful... its hard as f
But we gotta understand the world does NOT revolve around us...
We are NOT are as important as we like to think... give folks space, and we should take space for ourselves to watch these videos!!! It helps a lot! Thank you so much Mam! 🙏 I appreciate this so much! 😊
Thank you for putting it in perspective! I needed to hear it from someone else's mouth. Very inspiring, insightful and helpful. I forget other people have lives too. Not to mention they're not sitting around thinking about me! They're sitting around worrying about their stuff! ❤❤❤
When my family was going through a tough time, we were ridiculed by a family member about not being around as much, etc. But now that the tables are turned and they are going through something similar, we are getting ridiculed again for not doing enough or caring enough when we are just letting them do their thing. It is hard to not be resentful
Have boundaries!
@@JaysonT1 great advice thank you
I see myself making everything a battle, a fight, defending myself its as if I am always being attacked when in reAlity I am not and I know it!! UGH
I am 6 minutes into the video, and let me just say this: I do not expect people to put my life and my issues in the center of their lives. All that I want at the place where I am right now, is for someone to just know how to listen and hold a normal conversation, instead of jumping from one subject to the next. My brain was not made with an abort button the way some people have it. When a thought is not finished in a conversation, this thought just stays in my head, and the conversation has moved way pass it and I'm left with it. I'm tired
Hi Julia, I'm watching you from Swaziland in South Africa. Thank you x infinity for your videos, they have been a life saver. Keep going.
Alcoholism force me to go to someone for help. The problem with that was I wasn't looking for the help, only to satisfy the court. I still have a problem with asking for help.
A lot of what you have shared here in this video strikes very true and is a really good message. I am struggling with the same issues because I like you and one of those people in this case a disability advocate who goes out and changes other people's lives and helps them on some of the most difficult days of their life many people consider me their friends but only seem to call upon me when it is for something that they need and I am struggling to take a step back and see as you have suggested will they have put in the effort and that is not just a one-sided situation. For those that I have seen make the effort and actually want to spend time when it's not doing something for them those people are allowed to remain friends. I do have quite a bit of bitterness and I accept that I struggle to try to find the good in people including those that I am helping. I'm trying to find the solution in what you have talked through and I don't ever recall play Centerpoint others to drop everything to be there for me. I just expect a certain amount of human decency in order to remain being my friend I appreciate the time and effort that you put into making this content to help those who are struggling.
Thank you for making this video available for us. I felt it for the first time. I never knew what I was doing to the people I care so much about. Thank you for sharing your experiences. ❤
Wow!! Very powerful and just what I need to hear going in to the new year!
Ya know, I think there are reasonable expectations that you can have. That you CAN have. Especially from a spouse. If your spouse and family refuses to meet your needs and help you, who else is there?? That is where bitterness comes from, perfectly reasonable expectations not being met. How do you deal with THAT kind of bitterness?
Thank you so much I need brain shifting. I'm on the list. This has been an eye opener for me. 🙄🙄😏😏🥴🥴
Thanks for the video. I finally know what I have been felling and doing since I was a child, I'm 41 now. Appreciate that.
Thank you so much for this. Very insightful and useful for everyone’s lives. This makes TH-cam worthwhile.
How do you deal with situations though where the expectations you put on people who you thought were friends are reasonable? For example you have expectations for friends and even acquaintances to not lie about you and spread malicious rumors to hurt you. Obviously you wouldn't hang out with people like that because they act like children and don't have your best interest at heart. It is still extremely painful because of the fallout and not being able to trust anyone else in the future because your expectations were reasonable of a decent human being.
Good video and yes all givers probably have been there. It’s our responsibility to recognize if we have overloaded ourselves with taking to much on. I also believe choosing relationships that are on the same level of give and take is important so we’re not falling into a trap of resentment because it feels like we are doing too much
Well put! This was such a great video! ❤
thank you Julia. This video is going to help me once again, like other videos of you
You can always deliver the same message to us from different perspectives, this is so inspiring when I am stuck in my mind due to my expectation to the others that create my feelings of resentment
this is truly not necessary and this is truly my own thoughts that make it what it means to me
you are wonderful is sharing the message to us from time to time
I was one of your Shifter, I will rejoin the Shift Society for sure
❤
Hello. Some of this did resonate with me. Your example veas perfect for the topic. I got some good points out of it, thank you.
Thank you so much Julia for this video!! Im gonna need to watch it a good few times as it speak to me. Difficulties in work, life create complicate things for me. As Im looking to help myself and calm things down few notches.
Thank you for this. I struggle with considering what my spouse is going through and only focus on my needs. I need to communicate more and evaluate my expectations. Unfortunately, I get overwhelmed and feel resentful with the lack of help.
Thanks needed that❤️
Always wonder how my life would've turned out, had I not had such an abusive childhood
Thank you so much for this video! Definitely needed to hear this.
I really appreciate your message, and I agree that you shouldn't make your problems become other people's. But I have such a difficult time maintaining this in the case of parents/caretakers, even into adulthood.
IMO, your camping friends should have offered to help you. Regardless of their own responsibilities, it’s just the appropriate thing to do.
I disagree. They were doing the best that they could at the time. Her expectations of them were not their responsibility.
This was a really helpful video. It’s something I’ve been struggling with for some time. Thank you for this!
This is the exact video I needed. It helped me to put things into perspective. 🤯
Hi all! New here. Loving it already. Found you when our IOP therapist played a video of yours! ❤
Thank you for this post. It really helps. I needed to hear, and will always have this advice in mind.
Thank you for making this video i really resonated with it a lot
Another very helpful and powerful perspective by Harry Browne , an article written maybe 5 decades ago but still quite valid and so true: No one Owes You Anything
You've just taken the words right out my mouth. That's what i'm doing.
Thank you so much, your message hit me. In a great way, wow.
Thank you so much!!!
I have cut some long term friends for this reason, but i have to said that they didnt add up in the last years of our relationship, they have their stuff i totally understand that, i even text them my thoughts that we were more distant than before and i understand that each one is dealing with their own problems and situations...what i got in return "you are just crazy" "you are messing up stuff", so i cut them completly from my life, i only have contact with only one of them that wasnt like the rest and still have a great friendship with him, i dont want them on my life anymore, my other friend told me that i have to think more, i said i better this way for now.
Your friend has a point maybe? Dont be afraid. Goodluck with your journey. X
Such wise and insightful words. Thank you.
Wow, how did you know I needed to hear this message today? Thank you for giving my the perspective I needed ❤
I agree wholeheartedly, I try to he conscientious about things as much as possible. What about family that's consistently dismissive and/or belittling? I think it'd be understandable to develop a sense of resentment then right, not that I necessarily want to have it - Isn't the healthiest place to remain in, that's the battle I guess especially when depression bubbles up and roundhouse kicks you with remembering negative comments until you feel that heart ache. It's been happening almost every day now lol I am very lonely and isolated, but when my mental health isn't messing with me I feel like myself in between those days, self-care and self-compassion - Feel great, optimistic and empowered. Then Mr. Depression roundhouse kicks me again until I leave work early or something because I can't emotionally take it and lose focus. Next day I'm very productive. Off and on, off and on...
Thank you. Your message rebalanced me.
Thank you Julia! Very clear, helpful and makes so much sense! I will remember your great advice!
I loved this. It put a lot into perspective for me.
My younger sister has HUGE issues with bitterness and Resentment towards my mother due to our childhood. It’s actually ruining her as a person. She’s unbelievably awful. She cannot let go whatsoever and is a continuous burden on my mother. I also had a little issue with Bitterness in my earlier years growing up and I can say I kind of got around these issues through repeated exercise. Challenging myself physically and strenuously for over 15 years now has help my growth in such positive ways that I’ve ground these problems out of me. I’m 43 now and as I human I’m happier than I’ve ever been within myself and feel at my most mature. However I have no idea how my sister is Going to deal with her demons ? It’s never a truer saying that you either get Better “ or Bitterer “ 😊
@scotthunt People can share the same family members and have a completely different history with them. You are judging your sister, from your own relationship with your mother, so that you can pat yourself on the back. Not cool, and definitely not healthy.
@@sandi5276 am I ? You must know me really well ? I actually don’t look to judge anyone to pat myself on the back . What I do is See the toxicity in some people and try my best to learn from that . I was giving you and example I’m not looking for validation from you or anyone.
Are you spying on my life?!?! I was looking for something like this. Im doing all right in my life, but Im starting to dislike ppl in general. Im always there loyal to them, but they dont care about me. And im not expecting much: a call, a text, a question just to check up on you.
Great video and I appreciate and understand it. Do these principles apply as much if you’re talking about a relationship between two spouses? Should the expectations be more than with other relationships?
@sayur - I think that's valid. As per the marriage vows.
Yes, very important and glad to watch and listen. Thankyou🤩
It make sense but we do not see it like that..... thank you for opening my mind❤❤❤❤❤
Omg, it's like you're reading my mind. This was very helpful.
This is spot on I’m so guilty of this 🙈. Really needed to hear this x
Wow!! This is sooo good!!
Girl! I need to watch this once a month. This hit me so right at the right time in my life. Heard it before but it literally hits different today.
This is what I heard!
What are they capable of offering within the context of this relationship? Who are they? And considering who I am, seeing both through clear lenses
And what choice or action do I need to take as a result.
What do I want is this relationship tolerable or what kink do I need to work out within myself!
Hello ❤🎉
Thank you! 🙏🏾 lol so good
I love the honesty and vulnerability. Great channel and well articulated. Some feedback though, maybe try to be more concise and slower to talk. Other than that great video
BINGO! Exactly what I needed to hear!
Wow!! Thank you for this message. I needed that!
If I’m feeling resentment towards my friend should I tell them that? How I’m feeling? Or is this something I should work on on my own?
But if you do need help sometimes all you need to do is ask. Others around you are not going to know how you're feeling unless you speak up.
I have to add that when you are in a relationship with someone or married. That goes without saying that there should be some reciprocity and in a healthy relationship you will get this without issue. In a dis fictional relationship or narcissistic relationship. You will have a lot of resentment.
I’m defensive listening to this because after 22 yrs being cheated on lies to and gaslighted which folks it’s different than just lying. I’m a bitter b. Trying desperately to not lose myself but being honest and recognizing I have gone through hell and it not over. One day at a time