How Do I Handle CRITICISM?
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A fan says she's been without a relationship for 20 years because of her negative reactions to CRITICISM. I talk about the reasons this happens and most importantly, how to NOT harm relationships anymore, by redirecting the intense reactions so common for people who were abused and neglected as children.
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Wow I thought I was the only one ever who experienced this. I just can’t believe it!!! I don’t know how I ever found this channel but it’s amazing. This is the best video ever.
Thanks for sharing!!
Uccello
I’m the partner and now just friend of the survivor of cptsd partner experiencing grief when they feel challenged interpersonally through a critique or disagreement. Thank you for giving my experience as the recipient of profound lonliness from being unable to express myself if it’s at all non-agreeable a name and a book and a process to heal (writing and meditation). I have nearly experienced a broken heart for feeling like how can he care for me if my automous ideas cause him to shut down or rage or leave.
My boss was singing the praises of my co worker to me the other day. What I heard was I wasn't as good as her.
I hear you. Frankly I’m all for praising a 3rd party but the undertone is what matters here...
Only you know if it was innocent or a mild form of bullying (toxic parents often use comparisons to undermine).
Truly hope that you’re getting your fair share of praises as well ❤️🙏🌻
@@allypallygally i had the misfortune of being "teacher's pet" in primary school. Enormous pressure then to please the teacher (so she could scapegoat children in the older classes who had no interest in boring old history facts/ learning difficult spellings etc. "oh look how M in junior infants knows the answer to that! And you in 2nd class don't know it!!" So i was not very popular in playground - had severe anxiety before by 7 years of age! Couple that with difficult mother and grandmother using me as a sorta weapon to get back at each other.. it is surprising, maybe, how people who are exemplary in other ways can make a total disaster of rearing their children ☹️
There is wrongful comparing of child a against child b. Never for the benefit of EITHER child but for the ruthless benefit of the person doing the comparing. To have one up on their own peers. Or superiors. I'm thinking that applies in a lot of situations - e.g. Boss negatively comparing 2 employees. Like winding them up against each other. Itsa power struggle for HIM (or HER) unfortunately there may be unintended consequences for those who get in the way. Our misfortune is - when we fall foul of such a Boss - our first reaction is: we always ALWAYS think he is right about us. Or maybe he has a point? We never think - HE/ SHE is the one who is the problem. And the person compared favourably against us is quite likely under tremendous pressure to keep ahead of us. Else face the same down-putting. Yeah. All very complicated (have been diagnosed with over-thinking things 😑)
@g p the work situations with bosses can be brutal, especially when we feel like our home life is being recreated with an authority figure and competition for that figure's approval. This is a great way to get rid of those resentments and fears and function better f you mean, how to submit a letter, please write me an e-mail at hello@crappychildhoodfairy.com
-Cara@TeamFairy
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy ❤
YES!!!!!!!! I have an instantaneous reflex reaction when my wife makes a critical comment. While it may be the smallest comment or even a constructive suggestion, I interpret it as criticism and I get super-sensitive and it makes me instantly angry. I understand my reaction is disproportionate to the comment, but in the moment it feels impossible to stop. Even if I pause and take a deep breath, she knows she’s hit a raw nerve, and has started walking on eggshells because she doesn’t know how I’ll react, which makes me very sad. And while I’m ashamed to admit it, at those moments I can’t help but think “I just wish I was dead right now. I don’t want to be here anymore.” For the record, I would never act on that, but the thoughts are scary, and I don’t understand it. By the way, just knowing there are other people out there who have this experience is very helpful!
You are perfectly describing the dysregulation so common in CPTSD sufferers. There are a lot of practical methods for reducing these overreactions in my courses (listed in details under the video). Thanks so much for sharing!
I feel exactly the same. Exactly! Including: I want to be dead. I don't want to be here anymore. I wouldn't act on it either because I see life as a gift and you can't just give back the gifts even if you don't like it very much. It would be really rude, right? Love to you 💞
Identified with this ! ❤
In regards to writing with a pencil on paper, it stimulates the parasympathetic nervous system and it brings the prefrontal cortex online. It's calming. Whereas writing on a computer wakes up the limbic cortex and stimulates the sympathetic nervous system because of the blinking lights (even when our eyes can't detect the blinking our brain does). Science is so cool.
I love when my experience matches something proven.
Wow! I had no idea! Thank you so much for sharing!!!
Yes!!! Very interesting!!! I use pencil to scratch when angry and then color pencils to color in the angles and make a beautiful rounded result : art therapy
@@r.p.8906Writing stuff out - or just doodling/ scratching with a pencil has huge benefits and is WAY more interactive than any computer game!! Kinda always knew that, instinctively - just never knew the science behind it 🤣 thanks to the person who started this line 👍🏼
Can someone share with me the link on how to do that writing exercise? Please.
Sometimes its not criticism but our mis perception. We take so much as a personal critcism, because we were so used to it, it's like we just expect it. Comes so naturally!
Yes, great point!
Totally! I'm so conditioned by trauma from my past (I'll spare details) but those same reactions I had as a child that helped me SURVIVE are hardwired into my system and it takes a lot of trust to assume a person isn't treating me the same way I was abused. It's hard because some of the ways I was abused were really subtle. If I hear someone sigh I have to ask myself, "are they taking a deep breath or are they passive-aggressively suggesting I did something wrong and have to figure out what that something is?"
If they are not close enough to me that we both know it's okay, then it's them crossing my boundaries. If they persist, and depending on how important and influential they are in my life, I might say, "Fortunately, I wasn't put o this earth to make you happy." I don't care if they see a flaw. If they haven't built trust with me, forget it. I don't want to get into some dysfunctional relationship with a person like that.
I’m tired of feeling uncared for. I am an empath and a good listener and I yo-yo between being alone and attracting needy people with problems who do not really see me or appreciate me fully. I am thinking of cloning myself!
I'm with you girl...me to
@@tracyzimmerman7912 🥀
Me too! We're worth more ❤️
Yep we should start a club! I reach out to people just to let them know I'm thinking about them... co-workers, family, Etc and it seems that no one ever reaches out to me ... and I can agree with you that it seems like I attract needy or messed up in the head kind of people.... yeah I know there's quote "normal" people out there, I just would like even just one good friend in my life
@@cryssiejohnson2984 yep 🌹
Don't worry girl. I understand you. Sometimes I start pushing people away and get really angry because I start to feel not safe and so I try to leave.
Yup! I always run..run..
Sorry but that is something to worry about
Anna Runkle I love you!! I am nearly 61 and have done this all my life - I wish I'd heard this advice 40 years ago xxx
@Helen glad you are here now :)
I feel shame about having to ask for time away from the situation...like it makes me feel like something is wrong with me and that I'll be judged negatively for seeing that time - I've been severely scapegoated in my family as being the one with "problems" while taking no responsibility of their parts it's like if I'm the one who needs to step away to "cool down" it's like giving them false confirmation that I'm the problem one if I can't even control myself and have to step away..... I hope this makes sense to someone. It feels horrible
I think the word for that is pride... it's not a very useful thing. Blocks you from doing what you need to do to be happy, and it doesn't really make you look like you have it all together, or protect you from judgment, which would be the purpose.
Yep I had to stop apologizing for things because my family would just use it to affirm that I was the one at fault.
I finally went low contact with my mom a few months ago. It's so hard rn because what if she catches Covid and dies? What if I do? Is this the time to walk away from anyone we love? 💔💔💔
@@trucuriousity I haven’t spoken to my mother in over 2 years because I can’t take her narcissistic abuse anymore. Most peaceful 2 years ever!! I’m still trying to heal from my childhood with her. I did hear she got Covid & is doing fine now, but I had nothing to say to her when I heard she was ill. Emptiness. I didn’t notify her when I had Covid. If I died, would she feel sorry for her abuse of me or nothing at all. All I know at this point, I have to heal in order to be whole & I can’t heal if she’s in my life tearing me down. I wish her well & I wish me well too. I hope I don’t come across as cold as I feel. Good luck in your healing process. Anna R. has helped me turn a page in my healing and who knows, maybe one day I can have a healthy relationship with my mother.
I really understand what you are saying here, especially if you're trying to see yourself how your abusive family sees you. I think it is ok to word it as "let me think about that" - there is no implication that you are the problem. I did this with a coworker, and it went very well. "I'd like to think about this and get back to you." As far as solving problems with an abusive family: I don't know if that is possible. But it's ok to tell them you'd like to think about what they just said and then give yourself some space and self care.
This is how my family is. I know how you feel.
Your channel feels like home. I cant thank you enough.
Wow, thank you!
Thank you Anna. If I might offer another tool? I use my phone to record myself when I'm dis-regulated, like a diary. (When I'm very upset I shake, writing is difficult.) It allows me to hear how I sound as well as my words, which for me has been a big bonus. It doesn't replace my journal, it's just another tool in the toolbox. I've also recorded myself when I've had to deal with stressful situations. It allows me the opportunity to fairly and objectively listen to myself afterwards. I don't tend to remember things correctly when I'm spun out. Recording alleviates that issue. This has helped keep me from ruminating so much over stressful situations.
Interesting. Thanks!
I will try this..
Video recording myself talking helped me, too. I've done it a few times during extreme lows and once during an extreme high, when I wanted to see and hear what I was like when I was experiencing joy.
I do the same thing! It helps me clarify my feelings and thoughts.
Anna, thank you! Hearing you say CPTSD is a brain injury shifted my feelings on living with this condition. Remembering this will make me more compassionate towards myself when triggering situations arise. Everything you said hit me in the heart. I will mentally practice what to do so that criticism will not blow up my next relationship. Love and gratitude!!!
Great! It is a relief to know that we have a real condition. If you need more I have a course structured around dating and relationships crappychildhoodfairy.com/
This lady is so amazing to me. The manner in which she speaks of the issue I struggle with is profoundly sensible!
So calming that I'm able to accept without shame, rather than hope I'm not blamed, I can recover. She so kindly has explained the better part of my life and been there too.
At the end of this video she just summarizes so sincerely. I felt kindness and understanding. And a few light bulbs believe that!
Appreciation is a good place for healing. Peaceful living in truth. Blessings 2u
Thank you for the kind words!
-Cara@TeamFairy
I think you are changing my life, I feel dysregulated almost most of the day, every day my whole life, I have intense anger sometimes, always trying to calm myself down. So learning to dysregulated my impatience or disassociating scatter brain, and severe ADHD symptoms. My whole life has been insane. So this is such good advice! pause, breath, constant learning, and trying to think calmly. I am finding your videos the MOST helpful on you tube, and I listen to A LOT of self help stuff, all day long. So thank you!
That's great, thanks for sharing!
Your not alone I’m constantly learning too. I have non verbal learning disability and I don’t read non verbal cues hence the label. Some say it’s on the autism spectrum some say it’s not. Emotional regulation can be an issue to with this dx. I’m super sensitive and was picked on as a child. I feel unloveable when I hear criticism and I’m a perfectionist. Been working on both. I have done inner child meditations and hypnosis. I still hate criticism but I’ve learned how to say yes ok to get people off my back. Then I can take a few to breathe and see if the comments valid or not. This is what I do when I feel triggered to protect myself emotionally. I can tell myself that this is just their perspective. I love what you wrote above. Your tips in this video is perfect reminding me I have more to learn here.
I love everything you're doing with this channel with the research, empathy, and understanding. Thank you for being a fairy godmother to so many
You can't let praise or criticism get to you. It's a weakness to get caught up in either one.
Glad you enjoy it!
I van tell you that you help me more than anyone I've heard yet. This is the root of my issues. I've been misdiagnosed my entire life. Thank you❤
Glad to help
I have binged this topic for the last year and CCF is at the top as far as practical advice for recovery goes.
Thanks so much!
I relate to what “Molly” is going through. I’ve shut down in the same way since my partner of 14 years discarded me for another man. I’ve not been in any relationship, had no desire or drive to be in one, and could easily see myself still in this place 20 years from now as well.
Well, Molly is interested in changing this. Hope my advice to her has some nuggets for you!
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy Oh yes, I realize that of course no YouTibe video can ever be a replacement for personal work nor caould any video be truly personalized even to the indivdual for which it is intended, but I always get something actionable and insightful from each and every one of your videos. Thank ypu for making these and especially for making them so clear and assessible.
Have you ever thought that if you had not been over vaccinated as a newborn, your life would be straight?
@@danilaroche1156 I would like to respectfully ask you to be more considerate in how you throw around religion. That was a mechanism that was a tool of abuse for many people as well as an unanswerable excuse for abuse. You could actually be severely triggering some people by doing that.
@@danilaroche1156 Do you think that repeating a potential trigger with no regard for those it might affect is the correct response to being informed that it might be a trigger. We don’t get to tell people who might be triggered that something is not a trigger for them.
Wow I’m 60yrs old CPTSD since childhood, young adult-I didn’t know someone else knew me inside and we have never met. I’m getting healing only because you speak out my crap fitting and internal dialogue and narrative. I thought I was being very quiet about it 😂
Hello Linda, how are you doing?
@@williamsharman2159 I’m trying out my new found skills. Thanks for asking
@Linda comforting to find out we aren't alone isn't it :)
Tai chi helps me back on the rails.
Nice!
Thank you so much. I was listening to learn about me, and now understand some friends so much more! This is someone I love so much to a T. I can now begin to understand and not take it so devastatingly personal. I cried while watching this. Thank you so much. Sending love, and happy blessed vibes your way💞💗🙏🤗 You're a blessing for so many!!!🌬💗
Thanks for this, I have a similar reaction, even a small criticism will make my whole body tingle like pins and needles and I feel faint and dizzy and want to vomit. Even though my brain knows that it is a major over reaction. Like when my partner had a go at me for telling my son that he was behaving like a spoiled Brat (which he was). Then I go into shame and feel like I want to run away and just can’t face the world.
Yes. It’s how he teases, mimics & mocks him. My trauma arises of how my father would & still does. I just want to cradle my son like I would my inner child.
@lynette That is an apt description of dysregulation - that kind of over reaction can be so humiliating (I 100% understand). This exercise has helped me a great deal:
courses.crappychildhoodfairy.com/courses/daily-practice
-Cara@TeamFairy
I'm glad you talked about apologies and linked to some resources. You're awesome. I'd enjoy hearing you explore apologies more deeply, specifically around the compulsion to over apologize which I'm sure is related to crap-fitting.
Yes, I think fawning is the word.
Thank you Molly. I can relate 100 percent. A friend of mine once said to me, more than 30 years ago, that when I was overwhelmed by being upset about a woman I saw in the street who had been hit by a car, that my visceral reaction came from my own abandonment issues. I thought that was interesting but never fully understood how on the money it was until now--set aside that I saw a poor woman splattered all over the street and then the police lied about what happened because she'd been hit by a nephew of a diplomat. Both of my parents were narcissists. Just when I thought I was healing I had more setbacks and haven't had a relationship in years. I promised myself I wouldn't have another one until I could be attracted to the right kind of person. I fear that's not going to happen or I'll be so old by then, he might be right for me, but I'll be too old for him. Thank you for your letter. I'd like to write one myself. Dealing with complete overwhelm these days.
Appreciate you chiming in!
CPTSD and BPD all trauma, you cannot handle rejection whatsoever.
Molly, my heart goes out to you as a kindred spirit. Everything you say resonates for me. Thank you for reaching out to Anna and describing your experience.
Hello Freya, how are you doing?
Pure gold! I need to rewatch this every time I am about to spend time with a certain family member in my life. Thank you!
(sorry I had to edit this and there were likes already, for some reason it was cut off) I just love love how vulnerable you are in this video, fantastic details. This is what creates credibility, being authentic! My share... the experience of having a validation seeking dysregulate parent demonstrated that. When I need help with my teeth I trust my dentist, and help with my house remodel I use my contractor. My parent has a never ending stream of flowing opinions but has little to no credibility with these subjects!
I sure glad I found you. I have always felt like I was the only one having to push a large boulder Up the hill called life. It always felt tough and arduous, Until I found you.... that’s when things opened up and I know that there is a way out of this. THANK You 🙏
Thank you for this video, it's precious to me. I start trembling when someone criticizes me, I feel scared, rejected and abandoned forever. It's so much better not to talk right away in such situations... Because talking can be followed by shame, guilt and self loath which adds to the combo and ruins everything.
Your channel is brilliant, Anna Runkle. I am so glad and grateful I have found it, I wasn't even aware that the many problems I have had my whole life came from CPTSD. Also, all the therapeutic persons I consulted over the last decades didn't see it and I think, even if they had seen it, they wouldn't have known how to deal with it in a way that would have made a real healing progress possible. Anyway, you explain CPTSD so well and so comprehensible and your tips on how to handle it are down-to-earth and matter-of-fact, and thus easily applicable in one's daily life. So, fairies are for real, it seems, couldn't have found a better one ;)))
I thought I was the only person that feels and reacts this way to criticism . I totally shut down or lash out. Sometimes I'll send some crazy text to the person I am convinced is wrong only making matters worse. Of course I always regret doing it later. Hard to stop myself and I hate it.
Totally understand, text restraint is HARD when we're want to convince someone we're right! Using the strategies Anna talks about to calm triggers & dysregulation is really helpful!
-Cara@TeamFairy
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy thank you.
Me too. I recently lashed out at a friend via text who made a critical comment. Now she unfriended me. I feel terrible, but I was so upset at the moment. It was overwhelming. I now feel very depressed.
Even the implied criticism and the facial expressions of disapproval hurts me deeply. My father was overly critical with my mother and me. I hope I can learn to cope with it. This is why I'm a people pleaser. I have learned to sense their response/judgements even create them in my mind when they don't exist. When someone has a headache or had a bad day and it has nothing to do with me, I start to question what's wrong with me, what have I done, have I done something WRONG
Incredibly detailed and helpful response.
Glad it was helpful!
One of my biggest challenges is coming up with ways to have fun as a family. I see other families having fun together, playing games, going skating together whatever and my CPTSD freezes my ability to create activities with my family where we are having fun. I didn’t have fun in my family.. but i realize that laughing and having good times together builds bonds. But I dont know how to do fun. So our family functions together and we talk but i am not able to create relaxing fun times
That's a good point.
There has been no fun in my closest relationship for too many years.
Activities are relaxed and fun because the people doing them DECIDE to relax and have fun. You can't control that. Maybe the issue is just that your family doesn't know how. Why are you all so stressed? Does every attempt at fun turn into fighting and drama? Or are you all just off in your own worlds?
There's something deeper at play.
Most the time I only see peoples flaws. They all seem so fake and creepy to me. If I even perceive that they are being rude, short, dishonest or narcissistic to me I get instantly angry. I put up with zero perceived disrespect. I only see red and there is no ability to stop and focus! I just want to destroy them. It’s weird because I end up becoming what I hate in others. I can be very nice to people that speak and act with respect, but zero niceness with the rest
"most of the time i only see peoples flaws" we attract what we expect
@@intheweeds232 maybe, but I literally expect nothing
Totally in line w pete walkers book/work which inspires this (and other channels- it is amazing) he calls it the outer critic...where we are just seeing the perceived bad in others. Go to his website- you don't even have to buy the book (however it is life changing/amazing-easily best and most transformative one I've ever read) and he has most of the book's info on his website for free. It will all make sense, best of luck.
I stay in isolation purely because of dysregulation, and to come out of it and start living has taken everything I've got in the past. I've found the Daily Practice followed by meditation to be very calming, especially when finding out the fear(s) that are buried underneath the out of control anger. Paradoxically, working out these fears makes you understand why dysregulation has come about and why it's understandable you feel the way you do, rather than the cause being what someone has just said to you (if that makes sense!). Much love to you and all the best.
Well said, so glad you are utilizing this tool!
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy Thank you!
You are incredibly insightful Anna ... I feel so understood. Thank you for the healing you bring. God bless you !!!
Wow. I have struggled for decades sincerely trying to correct my issues. Anna your content is the most relevant information I could every use and thank you for your relentless hard work and in putting forth the effort to share what is helpful for you. The letters are so relevant and cover subjects of the heart which are often hidden so deeply through shame. Well done to everyone who has had the honesty to write a letter. your work is invaluable. I prayed and prayed for help after decades of struggling. I was barely functional in any way, physically, emotionally or mentally. My GP is right, I don't have a severe mental health condition. I have CPTSD! Thank you for hope and a possible way out! 🥰
I can relate and this is what I am healing from...the daily practice helped me regrouped without lashing out and reacting.
Instead of reacting and responding right then and there, I tell the person I need a minute to regroup for an hour and do the Daily practice and EFT
Yes! Healing our inner child, so we don’t continually show up as a wounded adult
:)
Thank you for letting me know once again. I trive to have quite discussions, however it always has escalate. It seems easier said than done.
Molly, you sound just like me! I’m looking forward to healing my nervous system even more! Thank you, Anna!
:)
I’m always getting criticized from daughter & son in law so I cannot be around them anymore as no matter what I say or do it is never right in their eyes so bye bye 👋🏻 don’t need that in my life .
In time, with more healing, you probably won't be as bothered by it. That's what happens for us :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
Criticism is a trigger for me. criticism = judgement, put down, mocking. Lesson learned from my dear departed papa. These days I interpret a difference between criticism and constructive criticism. One I take as an attack on me personally the other I take as advise. I suppose there is one other aspect where I AM being attacked and put down. Everyone has an opinion, everyone criticises and people will do it all the time, without filters or consideration for the other persons feelings. It's life and I have to face it. I used to run away from it, now I'm confronting it head on every day. I try to stay focused on myself and try not to get into their motives and I try to be professional at work. At home I have almost left because criticism as an attack and a put down is a deal breaker and very hurtful. I realised that I am still recovering from one of these events in 2016 where I thought I was done and I couldn't take it any more. The relationship is not what it was, but it did get better.
Great you are seeing that is not so personal, just a human thing we all do. Totally understand how it can feel like an attack and send us spinning
-Cara@TeamFairy
I think it funny that you us writing utensil because I use that temanology. I withdrawal most of the time. If I get yelled at I freeze and make myself smaller. I get real submissive and compliant. If I get mad I storm off. I get so angry that can't say anything. I need to be out of that environment. I have been in emotional and mental abusive relationships. I'm also easily manipulated. Can you talk about that subject... manipulation.
Yes! Me too. The fawn/ aggressor hybrid of PTSD type..
I actually been kind of getting down about my fears and resentments in a way that lets me return to the matter with being present & not completely reactive. Before I heard you sharing this, about you know writing it down. I found a lot of songs, other times comedy that reflected the things I was reacting to or the feelings, something similar to what I was up in my head about. I actually dealt with a lot sh** in a rather healthy way. I'm still gonna do this daily practice though, 'cause I feel I will be more prepared to speak, ask the things that are so hard to say in the moment of being triggered. Thank you, Anna, I'm so grateful for this video & all the support you bring with sharing all your knowledge & experiences 😇🙏
I spent 11 years single after a terrible relationship, of fighting, manipulation, his parents dissaproved and tried to break us up constantly. I was in 'nothings wrong with me' mode despite childhood trauma. My mantra was to live as if it didnt happen or else they still have power over you. Talking there about my father and brother. Denial denial denial.. Doesnt work, offcourse .. Took freakin 11 years to find a person. Had no clue cptsd was a thing.
The last 3 of those years I just hid. Secluded myself. Went to work, stayed home, not dating. If I , on a rare occasion was out, with friends and someone tried to make a move on me, they had no chance, even if I really liked them. Just no. Cant do it. But something about this one guy felt so safe. Also I was just comming out of 2 months healing a back injury, where I spent my days doing guided meditations, and nurturing myself, so I felt ready to meet someone. Its 3 years later and we just bought our first house.
Offcourse things arent perfect. He just today said to me I should not be so stressed and depressed about all the moving details, cus we are finally going to live our dream.. He says it with love but it kinda hurt, cus he knows why I stress and get depressed.. Im diagnosed with bodily distress disorder, wich screws up my nerves, so everything hurts, and Im in constant fight or flight mode, and the huge work load of painting, packing and cleaning is just too much for me. Also any change, good or bad, dysregulates me. I cant wait to move there, but the road right now is hell.. SO they are out there, the right people, but remember they are also just people.. They make mistakes, and its hard to live with someone who dysregulates on the drop of a pin. If he complains about something Im doing I emmidiately think oh there, see, hes getting sick of me. Hes gonna find someone else. And then I realise what Im doing and try to stop myself spinning out...
Maybe start to try stopping the spinning out with this free course bit.ly/3608opl
-Cara@TeamFairy
Hey - I am so grateful to have found your page. I do feel like I can fully relate to this. I recently was just on the phone with my ex partner , we still speak and they gave me criticism (we both sing, and share info on vocal technique / practice). They had expressed feedback to some voice notes I made , expressing how it felt like I was showing off and hiw a vocal Coach may be useful to learn how to communicate better thru song. I felt so angry and paralysed in that moment, I actually went silent in the moment . Not only did I feel upset and sad , I felt very angry. I felt like after the call cut , I felt like I wanted to just die and end the misery . I recognise these are just thoughts n I do not plan on acting on them. I expressed to him how his words had hurt me n stung but I could recognise his intention to help. I always found him to be dismissive , he would say “sounds like you want me to take responsibility for ur emotions” it would always trigger me.I tried doing my best in journaling n processing where my reactions n taking responsibility for them , but in the moment it can really feel like the focus has to be on the person and not within myself. I really wish I didn’t have this strong reaction to what I perceived as criticism.
Thank you so, so much! This brought tears, all being explained. Whenever I am criticized I feel that I am not good enough, I am wrong bad, and uncaring and I would love the other person to understand me instead of telling me off, at that moment there is blindness and focus only on myself instead of understanding the other person. I will be practicing the advice you give, I am really looking forward to it! Thank you greatly!
Oh, I have known this poignant, hard awareness at times and I'm in awe of you for being there now, and expressing it so beautifully.
Yep! I got criticized when my exhusband recently passed away... Our son was in grief mode, which I understood, but he totally railed on me, calling me, "stupid, dumb, and immature." Its the first time, that I didn't react when being called these names, I recognized that he was upset about his Father's death, I will now talk with him so that he realizes that calling me names is not acceptable. Thanks for your videos!
Hello Cindi, how are you doing?
@Cyndi I hope that got resolved and well done to not take the hurtful comments personal!
I read Pete Walker's book on your recommendation. I knew I had felt the feeling, but I never connected the intensely dreadful feelings to my own lashing out behaviour. I feel more prepared to go forward.
That was great Anna. Thank you so much. I always get triggered with not just criticism but someone who I love very much who can forget something that's important to me.
Good self-awareness :)
I learned this:”You could be right.” This detonates their charge. Usually they have no come back.
You can tell the difference between genuine criticism and being picked on. But if genuine criticism bothers you, then don’t worry, bcuz knowing that you have a problem and admitting it is the beginning of that problem resolving. For as long as a condition is denied it stays.
There is a difference for sure, but sometimes our dysregulation really confuse the two :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
Dear fairy, thank you very much for this video. Up until now, I hadn't been able to figure out how to classify my reactions to criticism. I felt awful not being able to speak and not even looking at the other person. I often felt like I just wanted to run away. I had no idea that these sensations were a sign of dysregulation. I felt stubborn, downright childish and ashamed. I am very happy to learn more about these reactions now and to better understand what is going on inside me and why. I am very glad that you exist, dear fairy.
Praise, blame, or criticism is almost always about the person giving it and not about you. You are made in the image of love. Never let anyone sabotage that love. Your heart is precious.
What if your partner is very rude? I was telling him a story, he turned of the sound on his computer, pretended to listen to me then after 2 min he interrupts me and says "you tzlk to much" that was the only story I've told all day and it was something I was passionate about. It was so rude and abrubt but totally made me feel guilty?? WTF? Why do I feel guilty about telling a story for one rude guy? I just apologized and then was mad at him for days. This is criticism.. But not constructive criticism.. So why can't I just deal with it there and then?
Dump. Him. Immediately.
@@trucuriousity did it.. Feels good
I see you already got some sage advice :)
What do you do when you just feel so hopeless and don't even want to do all this work anymore just to live a somewhat "normal" life? The thought of having to do this the rest of my life makes me want to just give up now.
I'm almost 30, haven't worked longer than 6 months consecutively, feel like a dependent child not being able to make small decisions or complete basic tasks on my own, terrified of people to the point I have almost no friends and go long periods of extreme isolation, agoraphobia, debilitating perfectionism... it goes on and on. I'm in treatment and made a little progress, but things have been really bad again and it doesn't feel possible or even worth it to try anymore
Sounds like depression talking. Have you addressed that, particular with the practical remedies for it?
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy I've been working to find ways that work to address the depression... but it's like the aftermath of being hit over and over by hurricane and tornados and trying to pick up the pieces and somehow rebuild - the depression exists bc of my life circumstances and difficulties recovering
I can so relate. It is so hard. I'm sorry I wish you all the best.
@@progressnotperfection9920 wishing you all the best as well. It's hard knowing others feel the same way, I wouldn't wish this pain on anyone
Try to find some things you once enjoyed if you are at the point of not feeling happy about anything anymore...what did you love as a child?Possibly taking a dog for a walk,collecting pretty rocks or driftwood,watching a sunset/sunrise,getting a goldfish and aquarium/acessories,adopting a kitty,etc. Just find something to take you out of your repetitive thoughts tgat are upsetting you and help you focus on the moment. Also dont think about the years ahead of you right now,try taking it a day at a time,or an hr at a time,or even a moment. Just try to find things to do that require you to focus on something else even for awhile. You are not alone,you are not damaged goods,you can get through this,tough times dont last forever,and one day you will come out on the other side and be so happy you made the effort. All the best things in life are extremely hard,you have the strength inside you to accomplish whatever you choose to,we all do ❤
"Molly" sounds like me. I'm 52, my longest relationship is being a mama to my 1 year old cat. It's been 20 years since I've dated. In my ears, I hear that I'm no good and that is the engine that drives my dysregulated bus. Then I'm huffing and puffing all over the place. When I do manage to come down from that, I feel like dirt. I haven't done your daily practice yet but I will, first thing tomorrow morning. Thank you Anna, I'm truly very grateful for you.
Let us know how you like it :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
Thank you so much for covering this topic, this explains so much about how my family reacts to criticism. It would be great to hear more about this.
I've been sharing these with my niece, hope they're as helpful to her as they are to me.
Hello Katie, how are you doing?
SOOO good! I could be Molly!! Thank you for the very clear and logical steps to help get my reaction to any little criticism under control!!!
You're welcome! I hope that it's been helping :)
Extremely big issue for me, it’s very sad.
I’ve got to work harder on it and never let it cease.
It's a really tough one, but you can get better!
I think this has been one of the best of your videos. I love them all. But this one was really great.
This explanation and advice are solid gold. Thank you, Anna!
Glad it was helpful!
Wow, Anna thank you so much for this. It really resonated with me big time as I hate it. I tend to go very quiet and not say anything but I think about it constantly for days on end.
Yes, I so relate. The tools here are a huge help!
-Cara@TeamFairy
I love this! Thank you!
You're so welcome!
I am the cat up the tree. I am like Molly. I have been divorced for 21 years and have struggled so bad just to be in a relationship since then. The way you described how people with CPTSD respond to criticism was so real for me that I instantly burst into tears (Aha moment)
I’m definitely going to follow your instruction to correct this behavior. I’m learning so much from you! I am so grateful!
Wonderful! so glad you're here :)
You always get it, Anna - to the point where I sometimes laugh out loud or even get irritated! All counselors should have to have been through this. It cannot really be understood from a 3rd party perspective. There's a therapy saying: "Nobody can do anything to me that I'm not already doing to me." It's glib, but makes sense. I also think couples can trigger each other, which, in my experience, can lead to week-long silences and violent head-butting arguments. It can be like 2 insane (or drunk, as you say) people trying to get a sane/sober outcome.
I like Byron Katie's The Work, as it's in a similar vein to your method; a 4 question inquiry meditation, addressing one thought at a time: "Is it true?", "Is it definitely true?" etc
Yes, I'm a little familiar with her approach and there is a strong parallel in terms of getting out of the story.
This video helped me so much! Thank you, thank you, thank you! ❤️
So grateful to have found your channel - thank you 🙏.
You are so welcome
Undoing is more difficult than doing….
It’s often more intentional … it takes mindfulness….. awareness… less reaction more reflection to respond…..
I’m trying really hard to get in the habit of the daily practice….
My mother died and it’s brought on a new round of CPTSD …. But listening to you and implementing your strategies will be helpful….
Knife to the heart exactly
Thank you for this video and all of your truly helpful videos!
I get so overwhelmed by criticism that I feel like I should not be allowed to live and worse. I know this is not logical, but in that moment, it seems logical. Severe abusers (parents and siblings) who told me this message literally. I just got out of a verbally abusive marriage and ex has convinced my friends and neighbors to hate me (psychopath) over the past year. I need to be able to hear criticism and feedback at work, in particular. Not surprisingly, it can be dangerous to overwhelm me.
I have started to use your method which is very helpful.
How do I unravel the suicidal thoughts and overwhelm from being criticized and feeling worthless? (I have gotten away from all of them, except ex visits neighbor constantly, I stay away from them).
Also, incredibly isolated. working on that! but just to give you some context. One thing that has helped is "do the next right thing" has literally been saving my life this year.
You mentioned you are using the method...do you mean the Daily Practice? The writing and meditation has been useful to many of us in untangling our belief system (like that we are worthless). Of course, if the thoughts of suicide are overwhelming, seeking professional advice is really important.
-Cara@TeamFairy
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy yes, sorry, I forgot what it was called. the daily writing and meditation practice.
I am learning to step back. I love this video. Thank you for teaching me.
You got this!
-Cara@TeamFairy
You are so incredibly helpful. Thank you so so much❤️
You are so welcome!
I’m so excited and grateful for these tools Thankyou❤️
We are so glad to hear it :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
Anna, thank you so much for all of your help! I love all of your videos.
Thank you! I'm glad you found us here!
Hello Donna, how are you doing?
This is incredible. Thank you!
Thank you too!
-Cara@TeamFairy
I do think some times Criticism is also manipulative by some , so we can't blame our self .
We learn to take responsibility for our reactions :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
I’m struggling today. I live in a tiny town, I get harassed for being gay. I ride the local shuttle, and listen to rude assessments of people like me, of course they are comments intended for me. I was out a couple days ago, I couldn’t get a hold of the driver, I called the office and was told the shuttle wasn’t running, and I had all these heavy groceries I had to carry up the mountain back home. I have shoulder injuries as a result of childhood violence, and now one of my shoulders keep dislocating, it’s probably done so ten times, it’s really triggering me, and totally didn’t need to happen. A few of my friends ?, keep criticizing my art, my writing, they are convincing I’m pretty much worthless, and I’m listening I guess, because I’m troubled by familiar injury induced trauma pain, and the emotions that go with it. Thanks for your wisdom, it’s not my best day, sometimes we all need encouragement, I know I do. ♥️🌹🕊
Let me encourage you to start a self-care routine like the Daily Practice. bit.ly/3608opl
:)
-Cara@TeamFairy
Hope you're doing ok ..just reaching out to give encouragement 🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈
I’m starting to think you’re an actual fairy lol all of your videos are so perfectly timed with my current journey and goals
Amazing video as always 💜
Edit: WOW! I took a leave after receiving feedback and it went so well. After doing the practice, I was able to clearly see that what was said was completely true and coming from a loving place because my behavior was pushing people away. I’ve been reflecting on it. I love getting feedback but I hate the feelings that come with it. It’s so intense.
Hi Anna 🌷 once again, thank you for the information you provide. This is very close to home. Ten years avoiding relationships.
Thanks for sharing!!
I use the pencil to discharge my anger on it with scratches and scratches for 2-3?min! Then I take colored pencils and color the corners but rounding all angles and it becomes art therapy! Today I used this mentally bc I was in my car and was so amazed it worked like magic in less than a minute : I imagined scratching and then coloring and the emotions left :)
Now that sounds like a good idea! I would often find myself doodling while on a phone call / at talks or lectures etc. Not paying much attention to either. But oh the doodles! A palm tree.. on an island.. waves on the sea.. sun in the sky.. And then (maybe) add a frame - a TV screen? Yeah. A lot of unexpected stuff is in our heads that even we don't know about ... xx m
Thanks for sharing!
I think this subject is one of the hardest for me. The thought that it could be abusive rather than constructive criticism would be like trying to distinguish between two identical colours. Then I feel a panic and upset. I do the daily practice and find it's very helpful, but for this one I'm just freezing emotionally at the thought of it and my urge to run or blow is so so hard to stop because in that moment it's real and I don't care.
In this case, writing your fears as soon as you can after the encounter will reveal quite a bit. We don't have to be scared of this kind of encounter anymore, we know our fears might get activated but we have something to do about it!
-Cara@TeamFairy
So I’m in a relationship with someone who has CPTSD for about 5 years now and we have a 2 year old that’s about to hit 3. Because of her CPTSD I’ve took a lot of time learning and about the subject and how I can help her..and me...... I see where people like who wants our small family to work and would like more tools to help..... I’ve been trying to get her to do some of the things you have spoken of and not force anything on her due to the fact that I think your right about them wanting to do it for it to work.....
I am currently trying some of your plans for myself due to the fact I can see many similar things about me....
My question is if you could put more content on ideas on how to help people with partners who has CPTSD then that would allow us to have a better course of action to help or leave our partner for the better...
It's wonderful you want to help your partner. Doing the Daily Practice can help you to take things less personal and communicate more efficiently. This is link to the free course bit.ly/3608opl
-Cara@TeamFairy
Thank you for this excellent video, this explains so much, and offers help as well
THere is a lot of help at CCF :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
Thank You so much , I was told by my therapist that my emotional needs as a child were not met , so that’s why I overreact when criticized ? Gonna study more
I get these all the time at work, it's made much worse when you have a boss falsely accusing you all the time.
Yes, that's really stressful.
-Cara@TeamFairy
I am so grateful for the knowledge you share with us. I am finally getting to know me.
Wonderful!
-Cara@TeamFairy
I get triggered by my boss because she gets triggered and reacts emotionally charged and says things in a tone that is disrespectful and down putting. I had one of these interactions with her the other day and I immediately took a break, went to the park to collect myself then came back to work when I was calmed down. That night I journalled and reflected on the situation and came to the conclusion in my right mind that I could no longer work for her. I feel like I did everything I needed to do to make a sound decision about it, got myself back to a regulated state, thought it through and made a decision. I have to admit I wanted to quit right then and there but I waited and then put in my two weeks notice instead. I feel like that is progress for me.
That sounds like amazing progress! It's so great to hear stories like this, thank you for sharing :)
-Calista@TeamFairy
Another Gold video - much gratitude! 🙏
🙌 I loved this one too
-Cara@TeamFairy
What a gift you channel is!
I just explode in tears whether I get compliments or criticism its embarrassing then I hate myself for being so weird and socially awkward
You are in the right place :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
“You have an allergy to criticism” wow so true
The Daily Practice is a great practical simple and extremely wise course I took a thank you very much
Great to hear!
Absolutely superb information here. Congratulations on your channel. Simply understanding this can change lives and stop the cycle of blame and guilt. Wisdom is of little use without practical tips I believe....thank you for making this so accessible. Finally I am able to address the real problem 👌😊🙏
Hello Jen, how are you doing?
@@williamsharman2159 hi William!! I'm ok, thank you for asking! How are you?
Excellent!
Thank you! Cheers!
Thank you so much.
You're welcome!
Thank you so much Anna, this video really helped me. And thank you for being so compassionate all the time! Also, do you have anything more you can recommend on abandonment melange? I would really appreciate that. Love and peace!
That concept is sprinkled into many videos, glad you're here!
-Cara@TeamFairy
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy Me too!
Here's a video about abandonment. th-cam.com/video/7Lxtf9dyHxY/w-d-xo.html. I don't see your 10/3 comment now, but I saw that you explained that you were "conditioned by trauma to see the negative, etc." I'd encourage you strongly to begin my Daily Practice (free course, linked in description under all videos) and start "undoing" the attachment to outside causes driving your trauma today, and allow yourself to note "I am seeing the negative." You can do something about negative patterns YOU have. The conditioning we no longer want is also that somehow other people/events/times are in charge of our behavior right now.