How to Spot the Red Flags You’ve Been Trained to Overlook
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The first months of a romantic relationship can feel like there’s a sweetness that moves through everything in your life.. like all your problems have been solved -- especially when you’ve been alone a long time. But soon, things aren't so perfect, and each person's flaws are revealed. This is when you need to know the signs of whether someone is truly a good match, and if both of you are ready for actual love. In this video, I respond to a letter from a woman who sees signs of trouble, and needs to know if this means the end.
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“How do I verify the truth?” He is already causing you to question your view of reality. You know the truth, but you refuse to accept it because you want it to work out so badly. You deserve so much better. 💔
Damn it. I read this and it hit me. 20 years married and debating it but I do know. I just hate it.
If it’s not a “Heck, Yes!”, it’s a “No.” Next!
You got that right!
He and the ex have no children together, there is no reason for them to be in contact. Unfortunately, he still loves/attracted to his ex. When people are in love with YOU, they have tunnel vision.
Yup, and if someone is in love with you, he/she is proud to show you off to the world. They aren't trying to keep you a secret from anyone...
Correct. If you are loved, you will feel loved 💖
Run fast! He has shown you who he is…….BELIEVE him!!!!
Run for your life. He is not worthy of you
I definitely dodged a bullet. I was getting breadcrumbed by a dude that I was talking to for three months. He talked about his ex a lot and the more I look back the more I realize he was not over her. He tried getting sex out of me with no commitment. I RAN!
Good for you !!! 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
🎶and I ran so far awaaaaay!!! ❤
@TWBarb Beautiful ! I'm proud of you too ! I'll remember to do the same if this happens to me ! Way to go ! 👌🏼
Yep, sounds like my ex but we were together for 7 months, 7 months of lies, abandonment, silent treatment, emotional cheating and finally discard. I hope he believes in God or karma so he won't be surprised with a visit.
Good job keeping those boundaries strong! I know how hard that can be.
Dear Meg, he’s not into you-he IS into himself, though….
Texting at 1:00 am is a booty call 📱
Better no relationship than a hot mess like this!!
“Trying to get him to behave for you is basically showing him a map of how to manipulate you into thinking that you should stay.” ⭐️
Run as fast as you can. It was too painful to even hear this to the end. Please move on for your own sanity and self-love. You can do it.
"He made me give up my..." - that phrase in itself is very concerning. I think your tough love was appropriate here, Fairy.
That phrase alone screams: Letter writer is NOT ready for marriage. There is no shame in that. In fact, investing in therapy or deep diving into self-help thru a 12 step program will help you grow and get you closer to healthy. Way better than will marrying the wrong person.
But couldn't he potentially say "she's trying to make me... give up talking to my ex." Isn't the context important? ( Just going through this rn so want to be able to cm have a come back to when he says a version of this to him. He says I'm trying to control him. I really need to understand the difference, what's right and wrong of me too.@dianeatpeace337
You have to face the reality that he doesn't love you. Men who truely love you would do anything to keep you from being hurt. And at 6 months they are still trying to do evetything they can to win your love and keep it. The truth is he doesn't love himself either. But more importantly, you don't love yourself either or you would never ever ever let someone treat you like this. Run as fast as you can from him and dont look back. When you find the man who is head over heels in love with you you will be so thankful that you ran from this nightmare. You are worth so much more than this. And you know it!
He’s not available for a relationship. I hope she finds some healing and realizes she deserves more in a relationship. My younger self relates to her situation. She’s afraid her past abuse is clouding her judgement. I would agree. She’s doing what fairy calls “ crap fit.” I wish for her a happy, wholesome, healthy relationship with herself and others. This is not it.
My ex continued to text me and see me despite living with his much younger gf. He would tell me he wasn't happy and he was going to leave her. So I stupidly continued to see him. We had 8 years together and the break up was a complete shock. Almost as shocking as the day I found out from one of our mutual friends that he had actually married her. A woman he had never been faithful to. This letter is reminiscent of my situation. Sounds like this guy needs validation from multiple women to feel OK with himself. You deserve better. I know it hurts, believe me. I never told his wife about the fact that he never stopped seeing me. I just finally decided I deserve better.
Sounds like my ex, validation from multiple women coz he didn't receive it from his own mother. I know he has mummy's issues, not my problem anymore. I leave him for the streets. No accountability, no apology and no communication. He knows that I know he is guilty. Lesson learned.
A similar thing happened to me, together for several years, an unexpected break-up, trying to end contact but continued to see him from time to time and texting. I found out he got married, he did not even tell me he had met someone. At this point I realized he never/no longer had the strong morals I admired and it was the last disappointment I had to experience to finally let go.
@@andziagreen4922this is my ex, too!!! He’s estranged from his alcoholic mother. I questioned this early on bc I thought hello mommy issues! But he convinced me he was “normal”. Sike! I was green to the game, though, just about to wrap up my divorce from an alcoholic that went on almost 17 years 😵💫. Now I know about avoidant attachment. I’m sadder and still processing but I’m choosing me and back in therapy and moving on wiser for it
Meg, he is not a suitable partner for a relationship right now and that's all you need to know.
I live in South Africa where a great number of people are religious. It happens often that a guy is religious and expects the girl to become religious like him. It is a form of control and it makes him feel good in the eyes of the pastor/minister - he was the reason that someone joined a church. Once he successfully controlled your religion, the next form of control will come - you have to change your dress code, leave your friends/family behind, stop working - the list is very long....
When I was younger I was extremely religious. I read my bible often, prayed and fasted for those less fortunate than myself and constantly gave to the homeless and volunteered at orphanages. I also did more church activities and hanging with fellow church members than I did with my friends outside the church., Because of all this I thought I was a really really good and moral person. Looking back on myself I see that I was not automatically a good person because I "was religious," I wasn't bad, I just wasn't good either. It is very easy to become arrogant and self-righteous when you wear the cloak of religion so you ignore the mean and hurtful things you do to others outside of "doing God's work."
I don't think I was unique or special (though at the time I thought I was). Looking at it now I think most people assume that when dating someone who "believes in or fears God" they can let their guard down when personally I truly believe it is the opposite. You should have you guard up MORE and be even MORE critical with someone who "openly" puts their religion in your face because those are the people who will have a harder time seeing their own flaws. They will struggle seeing that they did anything emotionally wrong towards you in the relationship and they will be OVER critical of your actions if it goes against how "they see Gods word" for example God shamming you about posting certain pictures or even raising your kids a certain way. This man sounds to me like he falls in this category; mistaking his religious piety for being an actual good person. This confusion allows him to ignore all his questionable actions towards the letter writer and others because again he is "following God."
good insight here ✔️
And if he senses a change in your commitment (they're good at that) and tries to rein you in with a diamond, REFUSE IT!!! Don't even accept it and put it in a drawer. Decline, decline, decline until he starts telling the truth publicly, and even then tread carefully. Insist on church counseling, maybe. All the best to you, sister!
I'm sorry for the writer but she's just a place holder, nothing more. We attract what we think we deserve and this isn't what she really wants. So many red flags screaming at here and she still tries to justify him. He tells her on so many levels that he's not the one for her. If a man really wants you then there are no doubts. No hot and cold switches. This guy clearly isn't boyfriend material and definitely not husband material. Run and don't look back...
It’s one thing to not know that someone is still in love with their ex, but when it’s a known fact that such is the case, it’s wise to realize that this situation is nothing short of disastrous. There’s way too much drama early in the relationship. Honestly,get out while you still can this ex is like a damned shroud here. I wish you the very best my love 😍
He could just be playing a game of making his ex jealous who knows. Him not wanting to go public but still wanting to live with you is definitely mixed messages as is him texting his ex, esp at night. I agree its not closure. Good advice Anna ! You deserve better Meg and you're making sacrifices that you're already resentful about. He doesn't sound like he's over her, nor her over him. It's like a very messy triangle ! Forget about marriage. I would tell him that you're not at all comfortable with his involvement with his ex. Sounds like you should get out and meet someone else. Bless you ♥️🌟🙏🏼🎶😇🕊💫
P.s. thanks for the list of red flags ! 💝
Its so much BETTER to be ALONE than questioning how he feels about you.
A total "Yikes!"
Run! Run for the hills and don't look back! I spent years in these kinds of relationships. And I've spent years in Al-Anon. He is probably on a dry drunk And he has no intention of you being front and center in his life in any way, shape or form! When you learn to love yourself, it will be easier to spot these guys and you won't waste your time. Focus on self-love, Self-Care And being aligned with your own heart And a higher power if you believe in one And please don't convert to any religion for anybody unless it's truly what you want and you have a full commitment from them! Love, love, love yourself! Finally, I would say If your best friend was coming to you with that letter that you wrote And all that information. Ask yourself what would you tell her? What is your intention in being in this relationship and what is your motivation? You need to ask yourself different questions. Sending so much love to you. You can do this And you will be happier on the other side of Self-Defeating behavior.
Two words: "Ditch him." Letter writer, I hope you put yourself 1st: healing and discovering/mastering self-love. Once you're farther along, you won't even have the appetite for such a hot mess as this guy. You deserve way better, and he needs to work on himself separately. Wishing you the best. Thanks, Anna, for walking us through this situation! Will you please teach us more about how to grow a healthier partnership towards readiness to commit, determining "love" vs honeymoon phase, and when you're ready and mature enough to discuss marriage?
I've baked a lot of path-to-commitment material into my Dating course. I'll plan to cover this more on TH-cam in the new year.
@CrappyChildhoodFairy That's fabulous news, and I'll stay tuned for your new videos - thank you, Anna, and happy holidays✨️😊
Just so she knows... he will NEVER be untangled with his ex!!
I love the concept of being emotionally sober! 👌
Yes lied to after six months and gaslit it’s so hard when you’ve been through childhood trauma too. Safety is a MUST in relationships as you go deeper into your healing journey.
In AA there is a term, "Dry Drunk." The person stopped drinking but doesn't work the steps with any integrity. You have to let go of these folks, because they haven't progressed to integrity.
I have been there done that!! he’s not going to change. Even if he stops seeing M or talking to her.(you will NEVER know). Please dump him!!! if he cared for you this would not be an issue with M or anybody else!!! Run, run run. You deserve better, you’re not seeing some ex while you’re with him. Think of yourself first. Dump him.!!! Don’t look back!!
And after she untangles herself from this... She needs to do some soul searching via Therapy,12 steps and hobbies.....
He THINKS he loves you. He does not. He enjoys the convenience of you. It seems you already know this in your gut.
Wow. The answer seems so obvious when you are on the outside looking in.
Walk away and don't look back is my advice here. Good riddance. Been in a similar situation but we were older....and him 18 yrs my senior. Listened to yakking about exes, one in particular. He'd text and call right in front of me! Told him my feelings about it and it just didn't register. I have my share of exes too, and an ex-husband yet I do not stay in contact with them, nor do I talk about them to my current partner. It's a hurtful, disrespectful, insensitive, and unnecessary thing to do. Gave me the 'she's the mother of my child' bit, which didn't fly since the 'kid' was nearly 50 and the product of an accident on some commune. I finally got fed up and took off....zero contact, as is my policy w/all exes and former husband. Once it's over, they fall off the planet for me. Good luck to the letter writer.
Good for you. I'm sure your current partner appreciates it too...
Sometimes you just need to hear the red flags spoken out loud for you to understand how insane it all really is. The whole letter was a flaming red flag. I hope that now she’s heard you say these things back to her she can accept that this person doesn’t care about her and she should start moving away like yesterday…hope she gets out and begins to find someone to help her build self esteem and find someone who is worth of her
Let go of him, the idea of him. When you chase a cat, you will never catch it. Stop running after him.
Do not change yourself for anyone but YOU.
Relationships are two individuals coming together to form a partnership. The keyword is individuals and that must be respected.
This is the universal law of attraction.
Btw love your content
'Let go of the idea of him' - so true, so necessary!
Oooof! This one was painful to listen to til the end 💔 I was in a somewhat similar situation and wasted Years on this person! Please Meg don't make the same mistake, the red flags are there! Don't ignore them! believe you deserve better because you do! He only cares about himself, his feelings, his wants and needs! You're going to suffer if you stay with this man. So please LEAVE!
You are so lucky NOT to be engagaed with this dude or love with him… it’s so hard to see it when you are attached to someone and “in love” - I’ve been through a toxic relationship like this and it was so destructive, but it taught me a lot about what I needed to heal in myself. Listening to your story, reminded me of mine and if I could go back, I would have left that situation at 6 months instead of insisting to carry on and getting more involved. Get out while you can - learn why you were attracted to him and find those things in a situation with a guy who is available and healthy. This guy sounds like a disaster and he’ll only bring you and your life down. 🙏
You are a REBOUND baby girl. He’s waiting for her to open the door. Leave, we all have been there..get your pride back and use it as a lesson.
I was in a messy relationship myself. Different kind of mess. I was only done with him once I NEVER replied to any of his messages,anywhere. There was no announcement. Done. Nothing could sway me.
Dont waste any more time being a "place holder" for this guy as Anna called it.
I believe she is being used.... run!!
Not making you two public. Big red flag 🚩. Esp if he doesn’t do it on social media. From experience: he is not serious about you. Or anyone. He doesnt want to “scare off” his other supplies.
Why is she adjusting her religion and creator account for someone she's newly dating? Isn't a creator account an income stream? A lot of abusers also use religion to control their victims
In other words "RUN!!!!" Your an option not the main choice!!
By 2:34, how else spotted SEVERAL red flags?? 🚩 🚩
RUNNNNN!!! and then get yourself to a therapist pronto! You’re converting to another religion with a guy you’ve only known for 6 months? Do you have a martyr complex? Why are you talking to his ex? Your immaturity is shooting you to become enmeshed. You need help to get to know yourself better and how to create boundaries based on that. Relationships does not mean you compromise your life away! Wake up!!
*your immaturity is allowing you to become enmeshed
Three minutes in and I stopped listening. The guy is shady. Time to go and find an honest man. If you are uncomfortable about being yourself, GO NOW.
Thank you Anne, you bring clarity into this world.
I believe this young precious lady needs to move on. How did the boyfriend's ex get the new girlfriend's number. Live him alone.
okay if james isnt willing to do that then thats not chill. your partner should always be willing to flaunt you on social media, especially if you ask for it!!
I need one for “am I partner material”.
RUN!!!!!
Wow. That’s a really beautiful color on you!
It sounds so uncomfortable and frustrating. Those things just get worse and worse.
Run.
I really appreciate this video. At the end you said what I needed to hear. My daughter set a goal about re-assessing a relationship. Unfortunately he knows about the timetable.
Keep in mind that there are many people who are still entangled with an ex but they don’t make it known, well, at least, not vocally. I’m certain that there are people who can pick up on this because of the way the other person behaved, though. I honestly think that we can only go into a relationship, never believing that we are the main person there. It’s almost a guarantee that the vast majority of people are in relationships with people but they have someone else that they truly want to be with. Weird, huh? Unfinished business can truly wreck havoc on people.
I think there is truth in what you said. And the situation is exacerbated by the modern narrative that it is 'mature' or 'healthy' to hang onto past partners as 'friends.' In the past, when it was the norm to let a relationship end and move on, it probably didn't happen so much. It's much more difficult to truly get over a person when they are still part of your life and you are reminded every time you see them of the love, history, etc. that you shared together...
@@suzy1750 especially with social media! In the past, it was much easier to avoid/end contact after a break up. Now ppl still follow their ex and get hurt when they see the ex with someone else or appearing to do well in life
@@suzy1750I agree with this! It’s so weird to keep exes as friends imo! But modern technology has also made it a lot easier. It’s not hard to heart a picture or be friends on social media or send a testing the waters text for affirmation or validation when in a fight with a current partner. Back in the day you would have to pick up the phone and make plans to really keep an ex “in” your orbit
@@jordansjul Yup - agree 100% about social media. It makes this sort of thing a lot more prevalent and insidious yet a lot harder to call out...
I wonder if they met in a 12-Step group? It's got that addictive feel to it -he sounds like he's replaced one addiction with another (to love).
haha.. I was a "James" myself some 20 years ago. he's is emotionally unavailable and at the same time is playing syntax by justifying his mishap - thats betrayal, btw- due the fact you 'were not official'. haha.omg. what a POS. HOW I REGRET doing that to the woman who fell for me. girl, just move on with your life and stop questioning yourself. if you think you're going thru a rough patch is nothing compared to what's in store for 'James".
This is so in time. I have learned alot from you thank you, tomorrow ill have my first coffee date since 3 years, after working on myself. I feel safe enough to suggest what suits me (a coffeedate in the earpy daytome, outside of my house) lets see first what or who he is and what vibe i feel. Up from there i will decide if we can build a friemdship which maybe can roll into a relationship by time. I am not rushing into a relationship anymore. Thank you and Merry Christmass in advance❤
Great! Good luck!
Nika@TeamFairy
@@CrappyChildhoodFairya thank you❤ im going on a coffee date with your team supporting and coaching me (mentally🎉🎉🎉😅😅😅)
Once Again, words of 🦉🦉🦉🙏❤️
Who who who? 😂just kidding..i know you mean wisdom and I agree. I'm light hearted now because of Anna...her videos literally saved my life.❤be blessed
@ 😎💔🐺
She's 37, 6 months into this "relationship." Writes about how he doesn't appreciate all her sacrifices. First, he's not worth much effort right now--because he's not putting much into this. I'm not sure he'll ever be worth it. Now, for her, a couple things: Is this a biological clock thing? She's asking a lot for a 6-month relationship, like on some accelerated schedule. And 6 months? You're kidding--you know nothing about this guy. And then the "sacrifices"? "Look what I've done for you!" This whole mess is unhealthy--and yes, he wants the ex back. Work on yourself!
those aren't just red flags thats a whole red circus tent complete with clowns. I would run screaming for the hills from this dude (and his ex), and get into dealing with deep abandonment issues and figuring out who you are alone, learn how to be your own friend first. Work on healing you. dating is just a huge distraction from working on yoruself.
Open thee eyes dear
So good today, Fairy! 💜
wtf how would anyone think this is a good partner? 😔
Such very good advice, Anna!
Gurl run. He's NOT husband material!
Engagement for me after 2 years, most relationships end on the first 3 years
I LOVE this channel ❤
Stop putting crowns on absolute clowns & expecting kings 👑 Fine tune your BS antennas ladies ✨
Love this comment!
I think I’m growing!! I can see that she blames him for dropping her accounts SHE did it - she could and should have said NO! With the ex - No! That’s a boundary deal breaker!
Easy for me to be the couch quarterback; the backseat driver. I hope I not just see the red flags 🚩 but act on them!!!!
Thanks for posting this video..
Thank you for being a part of our community :) -Calista@TeamFairy
Girl run, 🏃 🏃♀️
It sounds like the guy was needing someone to live with... did she throw him out ...he sounds like a narcissist to me... everything is about him ..not about you... thats NO RELATIONSHIP AT ALL... HIS BEHAVIORS TO YOU HAVE NO RESPECT AND NARCISSISTS NEVER SHOW RESPECT.
You need to tell him to leave ...and not be available for any lenghy explanations that he can manipulate..hes absolutely NOT READY NOR EVER WILL BE MAYBE FOR A SERIOUS COMMITED RELATIONSHIP AND DEFINATELY NOT MARRIAGE!!
Walk away ....many people can get into dangerous situations with supposedly just people who have had a tough time...feeling drawn in and sorry for people..
Make a list of all the most precious things you want in a long term relationship....and i bet none of hos qualities will be on that precious beautiful..special list..
i think M is trying to cause issues but im also glad shes telling you though. id like to know if my bf was still talking to his ex. im sure M just wants yall to separate but honestly... isnt that for the best
Good . Thank you
I have a rule. I dont hang out with exes. Neither I reconcile with them. When I ve done it I deeply regretted it. I close the door for ever. If it didnt work for me or them the first time then it will never work. No need to wait for them.
Easy, this is not healthy.
Why doesn't she block her? Better would be blocking them both!
5 minutes in, james is a narcissist. 100% positive
He lowkey hates her and see her like his mistress
Thanks for sharing
Don’t waste your time.
This appears to be a CLASSIC CRAPFIT situation 🤨
Unless the Catholic Church has changed recently or is different in America, only one person in the couple needs to be Catholic to be married in the Church. I’m not sure if they require the non-Catholic to at least be a different Christian denomination, but I’ve known plenty of couples to marry in the Church, where only one person was Catholic.
But converting to a religion in a partnership is about more than just the act of marriage. It's about living in alignment...
I’m Catholic … yes, only one partner needs to be Catholic. You do technically get permission from the diocese, but it’s very common these days. I missed it, but was “James” married before to his ex? If so, he would need an annulment before he got remarried in the church
Everything about this is bad.
Let it go, Meg.
I'm Catholic myself and the church doesn't ask the non-Catholic partner to convert in order to get married in the Church. The Church will ask the non-Catholic partner to agree that any children born out of the marriage are raised Catholic. I know several Catholics married to non-Catholics. The Church will never pressure any one to convert and being received into the Church as an adult will require close to a year of RCIA classes where you learn the basics of the Catholic faith and gives you time to discern whether you want to become Catholic.
I've been watching for months and just realized you look familiar because you look like Joni Mitchell
True. I've heard that a lot in my life, especially when I was younger.
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy Well I adore her ❤ Thank you so much for what you are doing by posting these encouraging videos, your content really opens my eyes and provides me solace
Run Meg Run........!
Welp 4 min in and I'm completely done with James and M
That's not love babe.
He’s triangulating
Nooooo….this guy sounds like a liar and manipulator.
Get rid of James
Anna, not sure if you read comments. I have tried several times to access your worksheets on pdf. When I try to click on the link in your email to me, nothing happens. This has been the case for some time. Disappointing.
This is not something we can help you with on TH-cam, where you are anonymous. Please reach out to the support team, or reply to the e-mails you get, at hello@crappychildhoodfairy.com and they'll help you.
@ Thank you. Just thought it might be a problem on your end.
@@createone100 I didn t have any problem downloading it
@@createone100I did not have any problem downloading
To marry in the Catholic Church you’ve to do premarital course, it’s similar to counseling. Not sure if that’s case in America.
James sounds like a mess.
Next!