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I'm pushing my friends away because they don't open up and don't give me the same care and love back that I give. So it feels wasted on them in the long run. Also I feel like I always educate them on the things that I learned but they don't do the same for me.
I'm so sorry to hear about your suffering. Coming from someone who has lived with A LOT of suffering. I just wanted to extend you a branch of peace and hope for a changed future. These things eventually pass people are broken and blinded and hurt and so they hurt others. I pray for soothing healing to find you and bring you back to a peaceful whole body and mind. Keep going, I have faith in you to overcome. ❤ God bless you.
@@olgamoraitiTake care. I bought someone who was hungry a little food today & felt better. I read yesterday that one way to create serotonin is to do something nice for someone. It worked. 😊
@@sookiebyun4260 ofc I’m sure you’ll keep deciding whatever is right for your case, as one does, but on the other side of the coin I find it stressful that the people I connect with the most usually do have mental health/trauma issues and we tend to suck at keeping up communication. You don’t have to assume that no one wants friends who have a messy history and complicated brain when they may understand that about you and still hope you’ll pop up again. Very individual case by case scenario, I guess.
Almost 70 never had a loyal friend my entire life. It wasn't because I got angry at my friends. It was because I chose friends who were just like my narcissistic and controlling family members
I also have been hated for even daring to exist... it's been painful and confusing. Have come to the conclusion that when someone is hateful and ugly, it's about who they are and not about me... took me way too long to get that
It’s not drama; it’s trauma! Drama feels like a more deliberate manipulation. Also sometimes people have a string of bad luck or karma . Everyone could stand to broaden their window of tolerance especially now. We are too quick to cancel each other.
I dropped a friend recently for exactly the things you said. Exhausting drama, telling me "how" I "should respond" (ha) and basically misplacing her issues with her avoidant toxic boyfriend out on me. I had enough after the last time she lashed out at me. I did my best to hold space for her, but she needs therapy and that's not me 🚫
Yes. I've done the same. Some people are just self centered and draining. When they don't listen and boss you around (Constantly) on top of it, it's just too much.
I have good friendships now. Before I had enough healing, I mistook intensity for positive connection and understanding. It was a lot. I had way too many expectations and conditions for those who seemed open. These days, I let things unfold gently and gradually. Not every connection has to be deep. There are different types of friendships. I appreciate them for what they are. Like Anna said, these are friendships that are good to have, not trauma bonds.
I’ve been having more of a problem over time finding people who will give a friendship time to form, and it’s leaving me increasingly isolated. I’m not sure if the cause of changing times (lockdown did change us socially I’m sure), or cultural standards because I relocated a while ago, or other factors I haven’t considered, but it’s very hard watching the people I might like to connect with rush to the other end of the “rush and exaggerate the friendship!” spectrum from where I want to be 😕
Why do you "need" a tribe? If you have moved a lot, you have to learn to be independent. I respect your video content however, why is this cobstant "pressure" to "need" friends or fit it. I think it's not necessary to have lots of people in your life. Equally a few is fine.
Wow. I REALLY NEEDED THIS today!! 🙏 Both of my best friends left our relationship some years ago. One NEVER GAVE ME A REASON WHY?! The other one said I "exhausted" her with "all of my drama." 😢 Boyfriends left me because they knew how insane my mother was/is and simply didn't want any part of it. I've tried to reconnect with these friends but they want nothing to do with me. It hurts like hell. They were like deaths to me. So THANK YOU 🙏 FOR THIS VIDEO. 😊 I desperately needed it!
Nobody likes being around drama. Help yourself out of it. My mother was like that. Exhausting, even traumatizing. Focuse on more Interesting things in life instead of drama. ( Or sign up for some oprah theatre performance). Choice is yours. Life is now. 👍
I recently ended a friendship because of all the drama she constantly repeated to me. She also created drama & legal situations at several jobs. Then there were the other friendships,associates & acquaintance dramas. Just drama, drama, drama soaked conversations all the time. I'd try saying something like, Are you sure that's the best way to handle such & such? Then I just had to let go. It was exhausting talking to her. Hopefully, she's found some healing because I can't imagine how exhausting her life is to her!
If you're aware of your drama, and that that CAN be exhausting for others, who didn't cause it, try limiting their exposure to it. Deliberately limit yourself to short phone calls or meetings with them. So they can be reassured that you'll choose to give them a break, before THEY have to ask for one or run away from you. This is easier if you spread your venting between several people, at different times.
It’s good to lose “friends” and not be afraid to do so. As we get older we grow and evolve and if the people around us are not growing and evolving with us most likely they are holding us back and it’s not desperately clinging to old friends and acquaintances just so we are not alone, it is about learning that we are not less worth of goodness and love even if we don’t have tons of friends or people around us. And in reality very few people add value to our lives, many people are there to take from us not to give. Trauma or no trauma, truth be told most people have some trauma in their background, so when you meet someone you have to see what are they about, and if they truly have something of value to add to your life, otherwise finding fair weather type of friends is easy., finding quality people is not so easy.
Taking responsibility for your own role in something ending can lead to the most amazing healing. Take full responsibility, but don't take full blame, the other side has responsibilities as well. The term dialectic helps a lot, it's entirely possible that our behaviours pushed people away, but it can also be possible at the same time that these people weren't right for us anyway. Healing brings the gift of discernment, and opens up the possibility for more fulfilling friendships than ever!
The problem is that when we had a difficult, traumatic experience during our formative years, more often than not we were not allowed or in a safe enough position to express ourselves. For that reason, we tend to keep on letting people get away with a ton of behaviors we wouldn't allow ourselves to have towards others. But then the second others are triggered by our own limitations, for example being angry, frustrated once in a while, we also get so negative reactions even from friends that it's like only "we" aren't allowed to not be perfect, just human. In the end, it's like we can't be ourselves again. Like everyone else is entitled to imperfection, but the minute we show our human imperfections, we feel punished like a scapegoat ! There are a lot of people out there who make others' lives miserable yet get away with anything. It certainly is not a traumatized person's job to be perfect on behalf of others and lose so-called friends because of daring being a bit vocal once in a while. Anybody feeling the same, please comment.
understand that one.....I grieved hard and got pericardiac effusion. A 14 year friendship and sisterhood I never had before....and she stopped replying, etc. After I lost more when I lost my life ..I was no longer able to be there for the people who liked the 'easy to like' parts of me...joyful, fun, adventurous, leader, empath, planner, detailed lover......but then when I had breakdowns....no one loved me hard, gave me truth, held me, etc. I understand. Sometimes I cry, usually during PMS which is also a time that I realized I'm also grieving the loss of children I never had and wanted so badly ,and no husband. You feel like a loser, and a lot of shame :( I love her groups and courses, but I need in person stuff. I can't take the zoom camera or light..I'm very brain sensitive..eyes, brain, etc. I had a death experience and damaged my head, atop the trauma sandwich. Ayyyy
People who are happy to hang out together doing anything. A walk, a coffee, a call, etc. What it is not is lining up people to do things for you, such as I need a ride for my colonoscopy so I guess I’ll finally text her as one “option”. Newsflash. No one wants to be your “option” they want to be friends and that means something not one-sided and self serving. It takes two or more to be friends.
Friends leave because of: 1. Lashing out (when negative emotions overwhelm, could have been taught this by parents, adrenaline surge, too much drama for them) 2. You abandon people by giving them the cold shoulder (shutting them out because you are overwhelmed, too much drama for them) 3. When you want to control people by having loads of restrictive rules about their behaviour (either accept them or don't, but you shouldn't try to control them) How to contain your traima reaction: Change only possible in own brain....soften down, listen, put negative emotions aside for now....keep time between trigger and reaction....instead of venting on a person, write the problem down in your journal (daily practice)
I had two good friends in my adult life that just up and left me and I never knew why. By watching this video I think I understand one of them, a friend who left my life about 10 years ago. I know she had her own childhood trauma and I think me losing my job and having marriage troubles was too much drama for her. Plus, she had her set of rules for my career that I wasn't following because she wanted me to be a medical coder and I didn't want that. After that she quit talking to me. The other friend I'm still baffled, but she had bipolar (unmedicated), my appendix ruptured, and I think it was just too much for her to handle. The last time I saw her I was being taken to the hospital via ambulance. She wouldn't talk to me after that. I'm the type of person who needs to know the why and I'm tired of people saying don't worry about the why just accept it. Knowing the why isn't just in my personal life. Several years ago I was recovering from a severe sprained ankle and had a water filled cyst in my ankle. The doctor put me in a walking boot to aid in recovery and the cyst disappeared. I asked my physical therapist why that happened and he brushed me off to not ask why and just accept that it's gone. But I like to know the mechanics of how things work and why things happen. That's just how I am. I once took a doorknob apart because I wanted to know how it worked.
I’ve noticed a double standard where people will look at someone who obviously makes the same mistake again and again, and say “how do they not see what’s happening?” But it the same people see you as a friend, and when something happens to you, you ask why it happened, they say, “don’t worry about it, it probably had nothing to do with you!” The message sounds like “be self aware, but not like that”.
@@PandaBear62573 i have same same but different experiences. i used to use words like ‘that’s just how i am’ - then i found out i’m AuDHD. now my whole life makes way more sense. the difficulty and challenges i experience have not changed - nor have the dismissive people i encounter daily. the way i view myself hasn’t necessarily changed either; except maybe that i appreciate the way my brain works way more and dismissive, willfully ignorant people, way less.
@MomeGnome so true. My best friend's are my husband and my adult daughter. When I quit Facebook a couple of years, only one person reached out to see if I was okay. He's a true friend.
Tbh unmedicated bipolar doesn't generally make for an ideal friend. And I'm saying that from personal experience. It's honestly on them to get proper professional care, and I wouldn't worry about that leaving your life. It sounds like a lot of trouble you dodged. In my case it definitely was a lot of trouble. In regard to the other friend , a good friend will not tell you what to do for your career path if that's not what you want for your life and it sounds like she couldn't handle that you established boundaries, which is healthy. I don't think either one of them is a loss at all. Maybe a blessing actually.
Since I learned about boundaries and got into therapy, my quality of friendships has become exponentially better. I stopped allowing parasitic friendships to form and am able to enjoy the people I choose to bring into my world. Trauma therapy has been life changing in that I've learned to reframe how i approach things and people and even how I look at situations and my inner voice. It was super hard to go through reopening old wounds, but the payoff has been worthwhile
I had two friends for many years. In both cases I was flexible as you say and let them be as they were, that is with good and bad sides. I accepted consciously all the things until I understood that for them I was a person on a shelf, always there when they wanted. They never tried to learn to know me, I was only physically there. They were not flexible to accept me as a whole person. Finally I discovered that they were gossiping behind my back in a quite surprising manner and that was a shock for me, I couldn't believe it. After many years I left them finding back to myself. It was like it had been a journey realising who I was, a warm and loyal friend. Today, except when you're very young, few real friendships exist. It is not only the trauma of childhood, sometimes later people betray you. And when that happens in friendships, it makes you not believing in people anymore. Often times this hits you harder than a betrayal in love. Love you can find, but friendships are rare.
My best friend of 20 years lashed out and went for my jugular to hurt me. From the friend POV, I couldn't understand the anger, why she was trying to hurt me, and when I tried to talk to her, she told me that no, she wouldn't be speaking to me about it, that I was 'vile'... This after I'd just taken her to Fiji to celebrate her 50th birthday. I understand it, I'm compassionate to it but I don't want it in my life.
@milliem8051 I'm ok about it to be fair and I don't miss her. I feel sorry for her mostly because she self sabotaged, but I also think friendship sometimes has an expiry date so I have forgiven and let her go.She hasn't apologized... And she's probably right in her mind and I'm some vile person or whatever, though her heart knows the truth. I wish her well. I hope you can find peace with your friend too.
I had this happen with a former friend of 20 years when I told her I voted red. She called me disgusting, etc. I did not even respond. Then she texted me with more insults. I did not engage. Then she texts me that she can still be my friend as long as I don’t speak about politics. I don’t want to walk on eggshells especially when I rarely ever talked politics with her (hence her shock at who I voted for). If I can’t be myself around you, you will never be a true friend so why bother?
This was so validating and informative for someone who is usually on the receiving side of this list. I know it's my people pleasing and lack of boundaries, because when I stopped the former and learned the latter, most "friends" or close people in my life suddenly became disinterested in me, and as I'm healing, I have no desire to reconnect or save those friendships. The problem is that most new people I meet are still like that, and the only thing I learned to do is to shield against getting close to them by using healthy boundaries. What I've still to learn is how to find and connect with people capable of healthy friendships. Thankfully, I still have a couple of healthy friendships from ages ago, but I'm in a new place and creating a local close circle seems impossible right now.
To have a friend, be a friend, but not a door mat...shared experiences is a good start...you can invite someone to do something with you, something casual, just a simple genuine invitation...this works for women or men...be happy enjoying a pleasant time...don't look for a bff right now...how wonderful you have your loving marriage...focus on all the blessings you have in your life...I wish you the very best
harder now than EVER to find closer friends and just plain humans in general! The screen addictions created dopamine addiction from screens vs real life. It's a trauma in itself! The plandemic of the screens and 24-7-365 internet killed society. I don't participate, so it's hard to find, and harder to find even deeper friends.
@@Jennifer-gr7hnYes we’re feed our social needs instantly on social media and bc addicted by the no need to dress up, can eat anything anywhere in the house while on social platforms. no need to pick a restaurant or choose your activities to share, Just go right to the screen no thought or effort and we have conversations that give us a replacement friend
If only I'd have seen this a little over 24 hours ago. One little suggestion for those new to the Daily Practice, please don't accidentally skip the meditation - that is really really helpful & important. I've done irreparable damage and this is the one out of my entire 60+ years that mattered the most. My heart is absolutely crushed. Im rooting for you all out there, still - keep working on it, life can be better. I don't think your brain can tell if the smile on your face is fake, so maybe smile at the mirror - maybe it will induce laughter....😭 Thank you so much Anna, isolation is so dangerous and a good friend is better than all the gold!
Maybe you haven't done irreparable damage, though. Whatever it is you feel you've done, no matter how egregious, if this relationship is as important to you as you say it is, address it immediately. Take accountability,apologize, explain to them what emotions, trauma, or thought process drove the offending behavior, and see if the relationship can be salvaged. The relationship may be injured, but perhaps it can heal in time, and not be forever lost. Don't allow fear or pride to keep you from trying to make things right. Just please don't let too much time pass before you contact them, because then you may not be able to reconnect. Early damage control is very important here. Best of luck to you. Peace.
@@riseaboveall438 I appreciate your suggestion. I had already done all the things you suggested, I'm not completely new at this. Since the injured party has their own issues, I will be giving space as needed. Thank you for your encouragement.
Part of it for me is just plain ignorance on the part of my parents who grew up missing their own parents (3/4 of my grandparents died when my parents were young children) I watched my parents explode or verbally abuse one another and never saw them process, communicate to understand, express vulnerability, or state their wants and needs. Learning skills to pause, stepping away when emotionally disregulated, talking to someone who is willing to simply listen, journaling, doing a HALT check, communication skills - all these skills were never taught to me growing up. I am grateful to resources like these videos and the comments to help me learn I am not alone or abnormal in these experiences and that there are solutions.
Very true, thanks for sharing. I just wish there were groups OFF line like this. Some of us are sensitive to screens, lights and also believe that much of why friendships and relationships are harder today than ever before? Screen addictions. I wish to find a man who wants to off grid, or at least get our dopamine from real life and real love! this is insanity to me and I saw the plandemic of smart tech coming, in yr 2000. This to me is a pink elephant
I finally realize, now, years later, that I lashed out at my last boyfriend. It got to the point where he felt he was walking on eggshells around me. I did that. not that it was the most awesome relationship, it was never going to last, but I did do my part.
I can't stand people anymore completely since 3 years. I only enjoy stillness and the calm/peaceful aspects of nature. I feel that we live in a very synthetic drama world in which others try to create drama and you try to create drama. But once you are on your own you aren't somebdy anymore and there won't be any friction anymore.
Most people with unhealthy family relationships don't understand that not every friendship will last the test of time. Friends are not to substitute broken relationships with parents. People are for a reason, mainly for the season and sometimes for a lifetime. I cut off many people from my life, and I moved on. I didn't give the reason; it was just unhealthy or disrespectful. If you are an adult, you don't have to explain yourself. I'm not a partner to anyone who has unfinished business from their past. Also, people cut me off, and I never waste my time finding the answer to why. They have their reason, and I respect that. Learning takes time, but my life is much better when I apply those rules. There are plenty of good relationships outside of the trauma. Too many souls are stuck in a relationship called friendship, but it only breaks their spirit. Being honest about friendship requires honesty and courage.
"if you're an adult you don't have to explain yourself" I couldn't disagree more. Just sounds like pure ignorance and not in a good way. Communication is key. If you want to be surrounded by people who also don't care about anything then fine do that but don't tell others that's the way to live.
@@erdbeerzwiebel3404 It's call maturity. Everyone has the right to their own opinion, but it's essential to acknowledge that those who have experienced trauma very often act immaturely and they have lack self-awareness and social grace. People aren't obligated to tolerate such behavior daily, especially in friendships. You can call it whatever you want and don't have to like it.
You are SPOT ON! My entire family has been very painful and distant from me… I was very ill with autoimmune disease AND I had a “leaking” AVM that caused me to have extremely severe anemia which was so low the doctor sent an ambulance to take me to the hospital ASAP… was a 5.1 hemoglobin at the lowest level but because it had leaked so slowly I couldn’t tell what was wrong… My family refused to believe me and they were convinced that I was lying… but 60 blood transfusions during a 2 year period was a nightmare… especially when I was alone and being shunned by my loved
I'm so sorry you're struggling with anemia! I struggle with severe anemia too, and I wondered if you would talk more about your health situation. Two years ago I had an HGB of 3.6 and was given a massive blood transfusion and iron infusion. The nurses were all freaked out that I was still functioning with a 3.6 HGB and spoke about me in the halls whispered tones. I'm STILL struggling to get my iron levels up to normal. I'm sitting at a 7/8 HGB level. Nothing I have done has worked. I have IBS too from a lifetime of stress, which exacerbates the issue because I can't eat the foods that are supposed to be iron-rich and can't take iron supplements because they destroy my stomach further. I've used beef liver supplements for a year, and they haven't done nearly enough. I'm taking Flinstones chewable vitamins. I'm too poor to get any sort of health insurance or to see a hematologist for regular iron infusions. Other than blood transfusions, what have you done that has helped you raise your iron levels? I've struggled with anemia since my teens, but all my life everyone else's health problems were always more important than mine. Now that I'M sick, the attention and care I showed to the toxic family has, of course, not been returned toward me. Zero sympathy for me. Zero help. Zero consideration. I've been told numerous times throughout the years that I'm lazy because I have to sleep a lot and can't do much physical activity without feeling like my heart is going to explode. I'm not lazy. I'm sick. The energy vampires I've been forced to endure for four decades aren't helping me feel any better, but I don't have the ability to go no contact because recovering from my anemia is taking a lot of time. I hope your physical health improves, and I am sorry that your family has been so awful to you. I totally get it and empathize. Despite all the misery you're dealing with, I hope you have a somewhat tolerable Christmas. Internet hugs to you.
@@spacegirl226 I presume you take your iron at least half an hour before food, and with vitamin C containing juice? And steer clear of caffeine. And get B12, from eggs for example? You need vitamin C and B12 to absorb iron. I get slow release iron pills. Prevents digestive issues with them.
@louisehogg8472 Presumption correct. The only caffeine I have is from hot tea, which I drink an hour or so after I have taken my supplements. I am doing all the things. I am desperately doing all the things.
@@spacegirl226 Did you take the cvd shot? See if you have mold toxicity (mainstream med will not look into anything. I had to save my own life, literally in 2020 and still going). Parasites suck the blood too. Get out of the mainstream and get real labs. I had anemia too, but got to the roots...it's not easy, quick, etc.
This is exactly what I just went through with my long time friend/fellow CPTSD, who came to visit. I felt attacked over and over again, and there was no reasoning behind her lashing out… It was as if things she was feeling we’re not based on reality, and she was causing drama when we should’ve just been enjoying each other’s company. It was truly crazy making, and I couldn’t get away from her fast enough. I wrote her after the visit, that I hope she takes this new low seriously and gets the help she needs. As for myself, I am mourning the loss of a friend.
@ thank you. The ball is definitely in her court… I’m just proud of myself that I didn’t get sucked into her drama Vortex, thanks largely in part to the crappy fairy ♥️🙏
Honestly, I don't even bother with trying to have friends anymore. I go to work, and I come home and spend time with my husband. Occasionally, I'll text with others, maybe even go over someone's house once in a blue moon. But I gave up trying to have close friends and family. I'm 37 and have never been able to maintain them because of my symptons and just never finding the kind of people who understood and accepted me. I accept that my illness has been a factor, but I also accept that I've made it this far, not having those constant connections. My hope is that when I pass on, I will be at peace someplace, and none of this will matter anymore. Is that healthy? Probably not. But, it's my experience. However, that doesn't mean I can't enjoy those waves of connection that happen. It helped to give up the desire to be surrounded by loved ones. That only happens on television and films, for the most part. It is what it is, but everyone is different. For those of you craving connection, I say keep fighting for it. Happy holidays everyone✨️
I don't trust anyone and I am really nice but I get totally misunderstood. It takes like 5 years for someone to get to know me. And I just don't bother to much energy.
@juliebell4545 I feel you! It sucks but after being through the same old song and dance with people, you just get tired of playing the game. Screw it, we're fine with our own company💁
@@anotherhealingjourneybegins we can console ourselves with the knowledge that no one really has or needs an army of close friends. That's unrealistic. Most people have a handful, maybe of truly trusted friends.
I haven't lashed out in decades, but that's mostly because I quit drinking almost 22 years ago. Even when my late beloved husband and I argued, I managed to not yell or get sarcastic. I think that's why in good part, our somewhat brief (8 years) time together was sweet from start to end. When one person stays calm, it seems easier for the other to do the same.
6 years sober for me too. It’s really helped slow my mouth down. I also don’t whine as much as I used to. My kids like me a lot better. That means a lot.
The only time I lash out is when a “friend” has repeatedly crossed boundaries I have previously set multiple times with them ie, treatment I will tolerate, if I am repeatedly unconsidered and constantly left feeling bad by this person after I’ve expressed to them how their treatment affects me, they apologize but continue doing the same thing, yes it’s my fault for continuing to be friends with them but once I’m done I’m done and I have no problem going out with a bang and making sure it’s clear that bridge will never be rebuilt
I lost my friend of 27 years. She brought up trauma and put me down, said “we’re losers.” I was in freeze mode, then later brought up things how she didn’t appreciate me but it was her words. She blocked me everywhere. She’s unhappy with her life and took out her pain on me. It hurts.
@@Here_Today_I think it’s over. She blocked me 4 months ago. I can’t even explain to her how it was her words that hurt me. I’ll do my best to move on.
@@Muck-qy2ooshe was a friend but things got toxic. I feel she saw her trauma in me, we both had emotionally absent/abusive fathers and similar struggles. It felt she took out her pain on me. I will do my best to move on.
I seemed to incite hatred just for existing.I have been on the recieving end of lashing out much more than I actually lashed out .Maybe it was my indifference .
Indifference can be very hurtful and even traumatizing for people that have been neglected, indifference is felt similar to someone not caring one bit. It also can make someone appear coldhearted and self absorbed. I hope things get better for you, not having the energy or ability in the moment to care shouldn't be an invitation to be hated. I'm sorry and hope this helps, sometimes an outside pov can help. 💞
I handed a friend a Christmas gift the other day and it i became overwhelmed with anxiety. What if she made fun of me? What if she criticized my gift? What if she laughed at the gift? I nearly burst into tears before I could get control of my emotions again when she had a positive reaction. This is no way to live
I hear you. Overthinking is so common for people with childhood PTSD. I encourage you to try The Daily Practice (free course). It can help you slow down the running thoughts, calm your mind, and eventually get regulated. Give it a try if you haven't already: bit.ly/CCF_DailyPractice Nika@TeamFairy
My abandoning people comes out as being unreliable. If someone is draining me and stirring up my internal conflicts, my people pleasing and fear that they'll collapse if I set a boundary (that I fear they'll cross), stop me openly abandoning them. And instead I find I'm abandoning them by becoming an unreliable friend.
oh gosh - thank you for shedding light for me! i think a particular friend has this very behavior. and particularly after my reliable self lashes out 🤦🏽♀️
@@Jennifer-gr7hn i felt the same way for a very long time. after years of the same hamster wheel, fighting, fawning, and eventually freezing to a point it seemed i had forgotten how to move or make a decision. the fight part - was me lashing out after having been neglected and mistreated to a breaking point. this was a marriage vs the friendship i referenced in the first comment. there’s always going to be something to heal from, but li’m making healthier decisions now. even if it means walking away and/or loving from afar.
@Jennifer-gr7hn that's what I mostly do. Have ruined my health and years of my life as a result. Can't work, can barely leave the house now. Tried the daily practice, but the exertion of attempting it about twice a week, left me almost too exhausted to eat.
Not only friends but family siblings. My sisters have no idea something that seems so benign to them is so painful for me. I also having learning disabilities under autism umbrella. I lash out when I am hurt triggers keep you stuck
"The sage Shantideva, in the Bodhicaryavatara, in talking about the subject of suffering, offered a famous analogy for how we try to alleviate our suffering. He’s said that if you walk on the earth and it’s hurting your feet, you might want to cover all the earth with hides of leather, so that you’d never have to suffer from the pain of the ground. Or, you could simply wrap a bit of leather around your feet, and then it’s as if the whole world is covered with leather and you’re always protected.” Pema Chodron
I suffered from bad childhood trauma, neglect and abuse, and I have the worst friendships, but the problem is because I keep finding the same pattern of behavior , the familiarity and dysfunction that I have become accustomed to due to my childhood experiences, and I look for that in all my friendships. It's because I don't feel normal. Normal scares the crap out of me. I am afraid that normal people will see how damaged I am. I have had 7 years of therapy, and though I have healed so many parts of me, that has been the one part of me that has been hard to heal.
You are my favorite friend to sit down with - you get it, but best.. you can explain what's happening. I thank you most especially, thousandfold, for THIS video (but all the rest too of course). You're so amazing.. Thank you. 💗
Yes to everything. Very helpful. I do not not trust doctors and think they are a waste of time. Mine just cancelled two appointments. I really don't want to rebook. This channel is a million times more useful.
This is a trauma response… not trusting doctors because of past negative experiences with completely different doctors, is neither reasonable nor fair.
Dear Anna, this is the first time I’ve cried throughout one of your videos. You answered questions I haven’t been able to ask anyone, and I’m beyond grateful for that. Listening to you has already helped me understand what happened to me in childhood and how that has affected my relationships with men. But to learn what happened to several of my important friendships with women! This is new! I don’t think I had the honesty, openness, and willingness to even try figuring this out. And then there you were. Thank you with all my heart ♥️
How about when love comes from another person, but the one on the receiving end can never even imagine such a thing, So it remains for them as though the giving never happened. But the giver is hurt and feels unacknowledged; as though they didn't exist. And, in effect, they don't. Because their love is unimaginable to the other person. The trauma has thus been shared. Such a traumatized person is sensitive to pain and seemingly impervious to love. Trauma causes an inversion of the response to love, either by registering love as pain or by blocking it out altogether.
Oh boy. “Words are loaded with hurt”. I have such trouble making friends. I think I don’t want to make the effort to keep a friend. I’m not worthy to have friends. Yikes. 😢
You are worthy, we all are worthy of friends, at least you can start by being your own friend, talk to yourself nicely, be kind, understand yourself, give yourself time and listen to your feelings...then try and process them, ask yourself "why am I feeling this way?" I wish you well, be happy ☺️🙏🤞🏼
Trauma-driven thinking can be discouraging. But never forget: Healing is possible! If you haven't already, you may want to try Anna's free course ‘The Daily Practice’. It is the technique that led to Anna’s own healing, and she uses it to this day. Here’s a link if you’re interested: bit.ly/CCF_DailyPractice Nika@TeamFairy
😔sorry to hear this. I have a chronic health issue and I can relate it seems people don't always handle it well unless you are able to hide it/fake normalcy. It can make us feel quite isolated.
I have practiced these since I was a child. I had to teach myself this because I had no one to regulate my emotions or responses. I really was quite accepting, detached, and somewhat analytical (especially for a female in the Southern culture of that time). This really kept me apart from the norm of emotionally open and expressive (but often gossipy and judgemental) southern women who hadn't been traumatized. Also, I was fairly distrustful of girls and women for good reason. I was very empathetic so I often attracted traumatized people (like my parents) and became their confidante or big sister. At 61 I'm fairly comfortable with the fact that I probably won't ever be a woman with a great deal of female friends. Not because I don't have the social skills or because I'm overly reactive - just because I wasn't really built for it due to my nature and my experience. And that's alright. I think I did pretty well considering.
I am the person that my friends do not care about. There was a time when my friends were abandoned by their lovers, and I talked to them and encouraged them, but when they found a new lover, they no longer cared about me, they did not even invite me to their wedding. It is so sad to think about it, what do you think about this?
I never thought about setting boundaries as in setting them for yourself and not for other people. I guess I thought about it as control of others rather than yourself. Oops. Everything you said was so helpful.
Rant/Open Journal comment Pre-Script: If you're "not reading all that," save your comment for another thread please. I promise you don't have to read ANY of this; you can comfortably skip this post in its entirety. Please. I was the friend of 15+ years that lashed out. I regretted and regret it every day. Was told "We can never be as we once were." I blocked her, wanting to minimize further damage to her. It backfired. She's long moved on. I never truly mentally recovered. I don't even know where I stand with her anymore. I love her like a sister, but she will never be that close to me again, and it tears me up that I brought such deep and lasting harm that she gave up on me entirely. I even attempted, thinking it would fix everything and at least stop hurting so bad (years ago; I'm stable and better off these days). I know I'm in limmerence with a human that is no longer. I will never see her face light up when I'm around, we will never have late night discussions, share stories, trust each other... both of those versions of us are dead, and I'm in perpetual mourning. Because *I* lashed out at my friend. I bit her jugular, and I will never know how deeply I hurt her because I lost that privilege. It affects all of my relationships now. I don't believe I deserve friends, because I'm terrible at maintaining relationships. I'm ready to be dropped and abandoned at a moment's notice by anyone and everyone, because I learned from everyone's actions that I am not worth the trouble I bring. I circle the drain of disability due to my growing isolation, that I'm losing strength and grit to fight. I lowkey feel like I'm waiting to disappear into the silence again, which is NOT where I want to be, but I don't know what to do. It's so hard to keep fighting for myself when so few people-blood or chosen-are willing to fight with me. The lip service is cute, "Let me know if you need anything," but I really don't think I can tell my friends ANYTHING! Not because they can't help (that's not their fault), but I don't want to ever be a burden again: and my life challenges are a big burden to resolve and carry. ...A burden that they will never understand (and God, I ironically hope they never do!), and a burden that my friends simply do not have time or (emotional) resources for. I feel very alone despite working with a licensed therapist regularly. Perhaps there are things I can do, when I have to spoons to do them. Tonight, (er, today...) I'm processing emotions as I'm working through a pretty sinister PTSD episode and fighting every intrusive thought that keeps me from my due sleep. TL,DR: I did the deed, now reap my seed, and what a bitter, gnarly weed.
I have been the one to leave not that good friends behind and I have not regretted it once. Il vaut mieux être seule que mal accompagnée. I have my set of a few closest humans and a very loyal canine who beats the great majority of human friendships with flying colors.
For some reason over the past few years I've abandoned some relationships. Granted they have an approached me either but I just didn't have it in me to fight for them for some reason. A lot of it was post COVID. Others were because I didn't handle issues that I had with the person so I just walked away. It was just easier. I'm naturally pretty conflict avoidance so it was easy to do. On the other hand I don't feel good about having done it and I feel like I owe these people an apology.
People who is in this situación, need to have mercy for friends who just go away, but the time they do, are so over tired for be that much time holding up with you guys. Need to think about your friends feelings besaide your own trauma, and be thankfull for the time they gave you.
@@AnaValdes-fp3bp yes, I agree. People often need to step away for their own self preservation along with their families. At least they are doing their best to not bring the baffling behaviors from some of us into their family - breaking generational curses & trauma filled behavior - for the better good of the human race. It hurts yes, it is understandable and even often the right thing for them to do Wishing you healing, patience & peace.
People just want to bother you with their problems, their lifes.. I believed friendship was helping each other and sharing our feelings and problems. Apparently not... when you need a substain and a good word.. they don't listen to you.
I joined the Fairy community because of an incident with a friend. I didn't say things I should have and said things I shouldn't have and it all came out dysregulatedly. It was all bad. It took my best friend hours to get me seeing things more normally. I never want to be that dysregulated again.
@@JuliahFL I appreciate the sentiment. There is a nice side of me, and also a bite your head off side of me. I am working on it with mixed success. Thanks for the encouragement.
Thanks so very much for your support and help! I have found your videos so true to what I felt growing up and they followed me all my entire life. I ts amazing how you describe how childhood trauma affects people. I grew up with a narcissist mother who raised us 5 kids herself,after my dad died at age 40 of cancer.we were aged 1,2,6,7, 11 years old.My mom provided food and shelter,but emotionally abused us and verbally abused us for all our lives until she got dementia, and oddly enough she became sweet and nice and even though confused was the mother I lost but felt I loved.We became closer before she died at age 95,but,but I still have resentment and broken hearts and bad memories that I can’t really forgive.
I struggle so much with making friends, still at 61. I instead pull away now out of fear and I don't know how to respond when they reach out to me, like it's too much, I feel like I'm being forced into intimacy and I don't know how to that without fear of alot of things. My sister is the only one I am the most me with but even with her I stay a bit reserved.
I still have a tendency to lash out, but most of the time, I lash inward to myself when I’m angry or emotionally dysregulated. I work each and every day to change this. I have both autism and CPTSD, so when I feel emotions, they can be very intense. I try to bottle the emotion, hide it, stop it from coming, or run from it by hitting myself, or masking it and saying I’m fine when I’m not. Thankfully, I have so many tools to help with this.
I have such a hard time with lashing out. I used to have really good friendships. I used to be well-liked. If I was triggered, it was mostly at home with my mom. Now I have many damaged relationships and I feel very hopeless about the future. You say “stop, and if necessary, walk away.“ Avoid the drama. With my mom, that seems impossible. If we are in an argument, if she is screaming at me, and she sees me walking toward the door, she blocks me from getting out, and now I am reacting in a physical way, sometimes pushing and being tempted to hit :-( :-( :-(. If I try to sneak out the door while she is in another room, she will chase me down the apartment building hallway, yelling at me. I know the people in this building very well… It’s not a good look for either one of us :-(. Mom is 90. Of course I want these last years to be good ones. My behaviors have now carried over into other areas of my life. I dys- regulate often. I wreck relationships. Some of these relationships were with people who are awfully similar to me 🤔. I’ve taken to isolation as A way of avoiding getting into conflicts… Although I love to be social, to be around people. Sometimes with mom, I can use CBT, I can be rational to a point. But Mom continues to yell, to criticize, to be unreasonable… Until I feel she has flipped the switch in me and I lash out. And you know what? This actually often works… In the moment. If I flip out, she may calm down or she stop doing whatever she was doing. Not a good habit I’ve developed here. Help, please.
Thank you for sharing your experience with us. One good tool to help with getting regulated is the Daily Practice. You can learn it for free here: bit.ly/CCF_DailyPractice Nika@TeamFairy
Merry Christmas to everyone. I'm agnostic these days but regardless of what you believe in, I hope y'all's are in safe spaces. And if no one is there for you right now, YOU be there for you BOO. 💕🎄✨🎁💝💞💋
It's funny because i hear myself a lot in these videos and i never realized there was such a direct link to my childhood trauma and all these issues. I set out to learn about myself to change things around after i got out of prison. Its taken me nany years to learn what she just summed up in this video. It has to be understood for it to work through.
My loss of freindships historically have been 2 fold . One , I attract relationships with people who are incapable of intimacy . Second is attracting people who truama dump and see as more a therapist than as a freind . People who stay stuck in the same dramas without any real wilingness to change . Thank fully , today I have a freind group who I trust and love unconditionally.
I have no friends but it isn't because I lashed out or brought drama. I could not open up sufficiently. There would come a point where they needed me to "buy in" emotionally more, but I would freeze instead and they felt abandoned. It was like an ice wall would slam down between us, trapping me inside and them on the outside. Either drama people would absorb me and just use me to bounce off of, or people who actually liked me would try to draw me out towards them like I guess normal people do. The drama friends would get bored and drop me, but the people who wanted me in their lives would end up disappointed and hurt thinking I didn't really care. It was always excruciating because I didn't know how to let my guard. I trust no one. And now I remain alone so I don't disappoint anybody else and go through the pain of them, in anger and tears, leaving me.
:-(. Oh boy 😢 very sad reality ... I say I'm the common denominator .. I've had great friends in my life ..and yes relationships have fizzled .. I know it's my fault
@CinHalCedHerChance I've had some awesome experiences even still .but desire a more balanced approach to relationships. This channel has opened my eyes to things I never understood about myself. It's very unfortunate we had the childhoods we did .I often would just day dream of other families and their closeness and warmth. .yearning for that ...I always felt I was damaged. I attribute some of my experience to cultural..my father's parents were immigrants from Scotland. Not exactly nurturing people . The other Irish. Also kinda cold emotionless types .. A young mother dying in my basement for years didn't help. It is what it is .. Merry Christmas to you all .. I'm grateful to have found you 💗
Im embarrseed by my behaviours. Im aware i sound emotional and lots of drama ...i stay alone bc i know im off..having Lyme disease and toxic mold illness doesnt help.. I wish there was a magic wand. Bc this healing feels overwhelming to be honest
There are more reasons for friendship breakage: ⛑️one sided connection ⛑️poor communication ⛑️only contacting or hanging out to kill two birds with one stone (stems possibly from parentifcation/chronic emotional neglect/inability to be vulnerable) ⛑️only contacting you when the other person needs you to do something for them ⛑️making you do something that crosses boundaries (social media stalking or other account access to equate as “friendship”) ⛑️only being friends to enable one another’s trauma behavioral patterns ⛑️etc…
Yeah, but the risk in mitigating is that I gaslight myself, and findmyself responsible for the issue. Learning to pause - slow things down in all ways - has helped the most. Slows my responses down, and slows down the development of new friendships to see if they are actually safe.
I have a narciscistic parent in my life that breaks off all my friendships. 😢 I caught her and my sister hating on my best friends of 30 years. Pure hatred and jealousy 😢 I lost 3 friends this year😢. One i cut off due to her belittling me behind my back. The other was just using me as a free babysitter. The third cut me off after i started implementing boundaries. Also my toxic parent all the while controlling with whom i have friendships in the family😢
Over midlife now and I do push people away. I just cannot regulate around people. My brain hurts and I cannot manage it all. Have tried counselling but I have yet to find someone that can help me. My mind takes over and consumes my life, the worry, the anxiety, it is hard work. It is exhausting. Have a hard time with it. x
Thank you for sharing. I think you may benefit from The Daily Practice. It is a great way to process fears and resentment. If you’re interested, you can try it for free here: bit.ly/CCF_DailyPractice Nika@TeamFairy
Do you have a way to tell a person they are doing all that, lashing back, making and seeking drama? Because I have been through all those and I became conscious about all my problems, learned about boundaries, about how to regain control and heal. But I see people who are super unhealed still, and they say they are healed so much, that they are giving free therapy on tiktok. And when I tried to show them, questioning their bad behaviors with me, they blocked me instead. So, I don't know if I didn't know how to communicate it to them, if I was too direct or what. Or if they are just that much toxic. Would a therapist tell someone if they are being unhealed like that? Because the person claims to be doing therapy.. and I think he is incapable of listening or being honest to the psychologist.
What I've learned is that you don't need to show anyone anything. It's not about their behavior, it's about what experiences you want to have in your life. When you're focused on someone else's behaviour, it's a form of co-dependency. Focusing on you looks like 'I prefer clear, direct interactions with happy, warm people.' for example. Did the interaction with that person fit with your boundary statement? No? Then it's not for you. Leave and move on. That's all you need to do. No overthinking, no teaching their 'bad' behaviors, no judging whether that person should be doing therapy. Really, their behavior is none of your business... which sounds harsh, but that's the bottom line. Wishing you healing.
No, other people loose their ability to stay connected with ME, cause my standard were hightened by my inner spirit…so I let go of all others, who were themself not keeping ME in their heart!
Your videos are always so wonderful and help me reframe things in my mind. Recently my best friend and I split up and it hurts like hell. But it needed to happen.
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In my country, we say: we laugh together but we cry alone.
I'm pushing my friends away because they don't open up and don't give me the same care and love back that I give. So it feels wasted on them in the long run. Also I feel like I always educate them on the things that I learned but they don't do the same for me.
I'm so injured that I can only listen to a few minutes of her videos at a time. I just feel so much pain thinking about these issues.
I'm so sorry to hear about your suffering. Coming from someone who has lived with A LOT of suffering. I just wanted to extend you a branch of peace and hope for a changed future. These things eventually pass people are broken and blinded and hurt and so they hurt others. I pray for soothing healing to find you and bring you back to a peaceful whole body and mind. Keep going, I have faith in you to overcome. ❤ God bless you.
Yes one client was so triggered that she couldn't bear to hear...
same here...
@@olgamoraitiTake care. I bought someone who was hungry a little food today & felt better. I read yesterday that one way to create serotonin is to do something nice for someone. It worked. 😊
But you’re listening and this is such a huge positive step toward healing. Keep going.
I have known this for years. I don’t want anyone to have to put up with my trauma so I do them a favor by not staying in touch.
*I've been doing that too.*
@@sookiebyun4260 ofc I’m sure you’ll keep deciding whatever is right for your case, as one does, but on the other side of the coin I find it stressful that the people I connect with the most usually do have mental health/trauma issues and we tend to suck at keeping up communication. You don’t have to assume that no one wants friends who have a messy history and complicated brain when they may understand that about you and still hope you’ll pop up again. Very individual case by case scenario, I guess.
Same here
Yeah.
Same. I don’t have friendships by choice.
Actually they wear me out.
Almost 70 never had a loyal friend my entire life. It wasn't because I got angry at my friends. It was because I chose friends who were just like my narcissistic and controlling family members
Hi 👋. It's not too late to make a real friend.
I get this. It is my story too.
Much love and peace to you
I also have been hated for even daring to exist... it's been painful and confusing. Have come to the conclusion that when someone is hateful and ugly, it's about who they are and not about me... took me way too long to get that
❤❤❤
God bless you.
It’s not drama; it’s trauma! Drama feels like a more deliberate manipulation. Also sometimes people have a string of bad luck or karma . Everyone could stand to broaden their window of tolerance especially now. We are too quick to cancel each other.
yours is a rare perspective. most of the people here are looking for a pat on the back for abandoning their friends.
I agree with too 100%
I dropped a friend recently for exactly the things you said. Exhausting drama, telling me "how" I "should respond" (ha) and basically misplacing her issues with her avoidant toxic boyfriend out on me. I had enough after the last time she lashed out at me. I did my best to hold space for her, but she needs therapy and that's not me 🚫
@@FlyHighShootStraight exactly 💯 I'm finally healing, I need to focus on me for a while for once.
Yes. I've done the same. Some people are just self centered and draining. When they don't listen and boss you around (Constantly) on top of it, it's just too much.
I have good friendships now. Before I had enough healing, I mistook intensity for positive connection and understanding. It was a lot. I had way too many expectations and conditions for those who seemed open.
These days, I let things unfold gently and gradually. Not every connection has to be deep. There are different types of friendships. I appreciate them for what they are. Like Anna said, these are friendships that are good to have, not trauma bonds.
I’ve been having more of a problem over time finding people who will give a friendship time to form, and it’s leaving me increasingly isolated. I’m not sure if the cause of changing times (lockdown did change us socially I’m sure), or cultural standards because I relocated a while ago, or other factors I haven’t considered, but it’s very hard watching the people I might like to connect with rush to the other end of the “rush and exaggerate the friendship!” spectrum from where I want to be 😕
Why do you "need" a tribe? If you have moved a lot, you have to learn to be independent. I respect your video content however, why is this cobstant "pressure" to "need" friends or fit it. I think it's not necessary to have lots of people in your life. Equally a few is fine.
Friendships are easy for me ironically, it is the romantic relationship that is hard
Wow. I REALLY NEEDED THIS today!! 🙏 Both of my best friends left our relationship some years ago. One NEVER GAVE ME A REASON WHY?! The other one said I "exhausted" her with "all of my drama." 😢 Boyfriends left me because they knew how insane my mother was/is and simply didn't want any part of it. I've tried to reconnect with these friends but they want nothing to do with me. It hurts like hell. They were like deaths to me. So THANK YOU 🙏 FOR THIS VIDEO. 😊 I desperately needed it!
I keep HEARING about this brain scan and treatments. We can only hope in time our insurance will cover it.
Nobody likes being around drama. Help yourself out of it. My mother was like that. Exhausting, even traumatizing. Focuse on more Interesting things in life instead of drama. ( Or sign up for some oprah theatre performance). Choice is yours. Life is now. 👍
I recently ended a friendship because of all the drama she constantly repeated to me. She also created drama & legal situations at several jobs. Then there were the other friendships,associates & acquaintance dramas. Just drama, drama, drama soaked conversations all the time. I'd try saying something like, Are you sure that's the best way to handle such & such? Then I just had to let go. It was exhausting talking to her. Hopefully, she's found some healing because I can't imagine how exhausting her life is to her!
@@Saoirse-xt7mi constant Drama-people are selfish and Toxic. ( The best Advice: Stay away.)
If you're aware of your drama, and that that CAN be exhausting for others, who didn't cause it, try limiting their exposure to it.
Deliberately limit yourself to short phone calls or meetings with them. So they can be reassured that you'll choose to give them a break, before THEY have to ask for one or run away from you.
This is easier if you spread your venting between several people, at different times.
It’s good to lose “friends” and not be afraid to do so. As we get older we grow and evolve and if the people around us are not growing and evolving with us most likely they are holding us back and it’s not desperately clinging to old friends and acquaintances just so we are not alone, it is about learning that we are not less worth of goodness and love even if we don’t have tons of friends or people around us. And in reality very few people add value to our lives, many people are there to take from us not to give. Trauma or no trauma, truth be told most people have some trauma in their background, so when you meet someone you have to see what are they about, and if they truly have something of value to add to your life, otherwise finding fair weather type of friends is easy., finding quality people is not so easy.
Taking responsibility for your own role in something ending can lead to the most amazing healing. Take full responsibility, but don't take full blame, the other side has responsibilities as well. The term dialectic helps a lot, it's entirely possible that our behaviours pushed people away, but it can also be possible at the same time that these people weren't right for us anyway. Healing brings the gift of discernment, and opens up the possibility for more fulfilling friendships than ever!
The problem is that when we had a difficult, traumatic experience during our formative years, more often than not we were not allowed or in a safe enough position to express ourselves. For that reason, we tend to keep on letting people get away with a ton of behaviors we wouldn't allow ourselves to have towards others. But then the second others are triggered by our own limitations, for example being angry, frustrated once in a while, we also get so negative reactions even from friends that it's like only "we" aren't allowed to not be perfect, just human. In the end, it's like we can't be ourselves again. Like everyone else is entitled to imperfection, but the minute we show our human imperfections, we feel punished like a scapegoat ! There are a lot of people out there who make others' lives miserable yet get away with anything. It certainly is not a traumatized person's job to be perfect on behalf of others and lose so-called friends because of daring being a bit vocal once in a while. Anybody feeling the same, please comment.
@@Bellasie1 feeling similar. Peace to your heart 💞
Glad to hear this perspective too
yes.
reality is truly a complicated place
@@vivvy_0
But...the very best place to be💚
I use to literally grieve when I lost a friend 🧡 now I just got numb and can't even cry anymore
understand that one.....I grieved hard and got pericardiac effusion. A 14 year friendship and sisterhood I never had before....and she stopped replying, etc. After I lost more when I lost my life ..I was no longer able to be there for the people who liked the 'easy to like' parts of me...joyful, fun, adventurous, leader, empath, planner, detailed lover......but then when I had breakdowns....no one loved me hard, gave me truth, held me, etc. I understand. Sometimes I cry, usually during PMS which is also a time that I realized I'm also grieving the loss of children I never had and wanted so badly ,and no husband. You feel like a loser, and a lot of shame :( I love her groups and courses, but I need in person stuff. I can't take the zoom camera or light..I'm very brain sensitive..eyes, brain, etc. I had a death experience and damaged my head, atop the trauma sandwich. Ayyyy
What are friends?
I’m only good with cats 😂
Lol. It's the thoughts in my head 🗣️
People which share, care and support us and verse vise
*My cat is literally sitting on my lap right now!* ☺️
People who are happy to hang out together doing anything. A walk, a coffee, a call, etc. What it is not is lining up people to do things for you, such as I need a ride for my colonoscopy so I guess I’ll finally text her as one “option”. Newsflash. No one wants to be your “option” they want to be friends and that means something not one-sided and self serving. It takes two or more to be friends.
Friends leave because of:
1. Lashing out (when negative emotions overwhelm, could have been taught this by parents, adrenaline surge, too much drama for them)
2. You abandon people by giving them the cold shoulder (shutting them out because you are overwhelmed, too much drama for them)
3. When you want to control people by having loads of restrictive rules about their behaviour (either accept them or don't, but you shouldn't try to control them)
How to contain your traima reaction:
Change only possible in own brain....soften down, listen, put negative emotions aside for now....keep time between trigger and reaction....instead of venting on a person, write the problem down in your journal (daily practice)
Thank you
@chinwenduchinwe586 you're welcome
I had two good friends in my adult life that just up and left me and I never knew why. By watching this video I think I understand one of them, a friend who left my life about 10 years ago. I know she had her own childhood trauma and I think me losing my job and having marriage troubles was too much drama for her. Plus, she had her set of rules for my career that I wasn't following because she wanted me to be a medical coder and I didn't want that. After that she quit talking to me. The other friend I'm still baffled, but she had bipolar (unmedicated), my appendix ruptured, and I think it was just too much for her to handle. The last time I saw her I was being taken to the hospital via ambulance. She wouldn't talk to me after that.
I'm the type of person who needs to know the why and I'm tired of people saying don't worry about the why just accept it. Knowing the why isn't just in my personal life. Several years ago I was recovering from a severe sprained ankle and had a water filled cyst in my ankle. The doctor put me in a walking boot to aid in recovery and the cyst disappeared. I asked my physical therapist why that happened and he brushed me off to not ask why and just accept that it's gone. But I like to know the mechanics of how things work and why things happen. That's just how I am. I once took a doorknob apart because I wanted to know how it worked.
I’ve noticed a double standard where people will look at someone who obviously makes the same mistake again and again, and say “how do they not see what’s happening?” But it the same people see you as a friend, and when something happens to you, you ask why it happened, they say, “don’t worry about it, it probably had nothing to do with you!” The message sounds like “be self aware, but not like that”.
@@PandaBear62573 i have same same but different experiences. i used to use words like ‘that’s just how i am’ - then i found out i’m AuDHD. now my whole life makes way more sense. the difficulty and challenges i experience have not changed - nor have the dismissive people i encounter daily. the way i view myself hasn’t necessarily changed either; except maybe that i appreciate the way my brain works way more and dismissive, willfully ignorant people, way less.
I am just like that - even at school I understood a maths question better if I knew the why behind it ...
@MomeGnome so true. My best friend's are my husband and my adult daughter. When I quit Facebook a couple of years, only one person reached out to see if I was okay. He's a true friend.
Tbh unmedicated bipolar doesn't generally make for an ideal friend. And I'm saying that from personal experience. It's honestly on them to get proper professional care, and I wouldn't worry about that leaving your life. It sounds like a lot of trouble you dodged. In my case it definitely was a lot of trouble.
In regard to the other friend , a good friend will not tell you what to do for your career path if that's not what you want for your life and it sounds like she couldn't handle that you established boundaries, which is healthy. I don't think either one of them is a loss at all. Maybe a blessing actually.
Since I learned about boundaries and got into therapy, my quality of friendships has become exponentially better. I stopped allowing parasitic friendships to form and am able to enjoy the people I choose to bring into my world. Trauma therapy has been life changing in that I've learned to reframe how i approach things and people and even how I look at situations and my inner voice. It was super hard to go through reopening old wounds, but the payoff has been worthwhile
Yay, success!
Going through this now. On the more positive side of getting better.
Ouch. This was precisely what I needed to hear. I’m gobsmacked and guilty as charged but I’m willing to learn.
I had two friends for many years. In both cases I was flexible as you say and let them be as they were, that is with good and bad sides. I accepted consciously all the things until I understood that for them I was a person on a shelf, always there when they wanted. They never tried to learn to know me, I was only physically there. They were not flexible to accept me as a whole person. Finally I discovered that they were gossiping behind my back in a quite surprising manner and that was a shock for me, I couldn't believe it. After many years I left them finding back to myself. It was like it had been a journey realising who I was, a warm and loyal friend. Today, except when you're very young, few real friendships exist. It is not only the trauma of childhood, sometimes later people betray you. And when that happens in friendships, it makes you not believing in people anymore. Often times this hits you harder than a betrayal in love. Love you can find, but friendships are rare.
My best friend of 20 years lashed out and went for my jugular to hurt me. From the friend POV, I couldn't understand the anger, why she was trying to hurt me, and when I tried to talk to her, she told me that no, she wouldn't be speaking to me about it, that I was 'vile'...
This after I'd just taken her to Fiji to celebrate her 50th birthday.
I understand it, I'm compassionate to it but I don't want it in my life.
I’m having similar situation with friend of 27 years, now I’ve been blocked for 4 months. It’s a shame, I’m sorry you’re going through this too.
@milliem8051 I'm ok about it to be fair and I don't miss her. I feel sorry for her mostly because she self sabotaged, but I also think friendship sometimes has an expiry date so I have forgiven and let her go.She hasn't apologized... And she's probably right in her mind and I'm some vile person or whatever, though her heart knows the truth.
I wish her well. I hope you can find peace with your friend too.
I had this happen with a former friend of 20 years when I told her I voted red. She called me disgusting, etc. I did not even respond. Then she texted me with more insults. I did not engage. Then she texts me that she can still be my friend as long as I don’t speak about politics. I don’t want to walk on eggshells especially when I rarely ever talked politics with her (hence her shock at who I voted for). If I can’t be myself around you, you will never be a true friend so why bother?
@@tee4272and I'm sure the hypocrisy of her own thoughts/ actions fly right over her head, right?
@@tee4272
This✅️
I am tired of being taken for granted on friendship
This was so validating and informative for someone who is usually on the receiving side of this list.
I know it's my people pleasing and lack of boundaries, because when I stopped the former and learned the latter, most "friends" or close people in my life suddenly became disinterested in me, and as I'm healing, I have no desire to reconnect or save those friendships. The problem is that most new people I meet are still like that, and the only thing I learned to do is to shield against getting close to them by using healthy boundaries. What I've still to learn is how to find and connect with people capable of healthy friendships. Thankfully, I still have a couple of healthy friendships from ages ago, but I'm in a new place and creating a local close circle seems impossible right now.
It will take time but you will make better friendships!
To have a friend, be a friend, but not a door mat...shared experiences is a good start...you can invite someone to do something with you, something casual, just a simple genuine invitation...this works for women or men...be happy enjoying a pleasant time...don't look for a bff right now...how wonderful you have your loving marriage...focus on all the blessings you have in your life...I wish you the very best
harder now than EVER to find closer friends and just plain humans in general! The screen addictions created dopamine addiction from screens vs real life. It's a trauma in itself! The plandemic of the screens and 24-7-365 internet killed society. I don't participate, so it's hard to find, and harder to find even deeper friends.
@@Jennifer-gr7hnwe're outside walking our dogs even on rainy days
@@Jennifer-gr7hnYes we’re feed our social needs instantly on social media and bc addicted by the no need to dress up, can eat anything anywhere in the house while on social platforms. no need to pick a restaurant or choose your activities to share,
Just go right to the screen no thought or effort and we have conversations that give us a replacement friend
If only I'd have seen this a little over 24 hours ago. One little suggestion for those new to the Daily Practice, please don't accidentally skip the meditation - that is really really helpful & important.
I've done irreparable damage and this is the one out of my entire 60+ years that mattered the most. My heart is absolutely crushed. Im rooting for you all out there, still - keep working on it, life can be better. I don't think your brain can tell if the smile on your face is fake, so maybe smile at the mirror - maybe it will induce laughter....😭
Thank you so much Anna, isolation is so dangerous and a good friend is better than all the gold!
Maybe you haven't done irreparable damage, though. Whatever it is you feel you've done, no matter how egregious, if this relationship is as important to you as you say it is, address it immediately. Take accountability,apologize, explain to them what emotions, trauma, or thought process drove the offending behavior, and see if the relationship can be salvaged. The relationship may be injured, but perhaps it can heal in time, and not be forever lost. Don't allow fear or pride to keep you from trying to make things right. Just please don't let too much time pass before you contact them, because then you may not be able to reconnect. Early damage control is very important here. Best of luck to you. Peace.
@@riseaboveall438 I appreciate your suggestion. I had already done all the things you suggested, I'm not completely new at this. Since the injured party has their own issues, I will be giving space as needed. Thank you for your encouragement.
some people want us to lash out. i ate one of these the night before too. 🤦🏻♀️
Part of it for me is just plain ignorance on the part of my parents who grew up missing their own parents (3/4 of my grandparents died when my parents were young children)
I watched my parents explode or verbally abuse one another and never saw them process, communicate to understand, express vulnerability, or state their wants and needs.
Learning skills to pause, stepping away when emotionally disregulated, talking to someone who is willing to simply listen, journaling, doing a HALT check, communication skills - all these skills were never taught to me growing up.
I am grateful to resources like these videos and the comments to help me learn I am not alone or abnormal in these experiences and that there are solutions.
Very true, thanks for sharing. I just wish there were groups OFF line like this. Some of us are sensitive to screens, lights and also believe that much of why friendships and relationships are harder today than ever before? Screen addictions. I wish to find a man who wants to off grid, or at least get our dopamine from real life and real love! this is insanity to me and I saw the plandemic of smart tech coming, in yr 2000. This to me is a pink elephant
I finally realize, now, years later, that I lashed out at my last boyfriend. It got to the point where he felt he was walking on eggshells around me. I did that. not that it was the most awesome relationship, it was never going to last, but I did do my part.
I can't stand people anymore completely since 3 years. I only enjoy stillness and the calm/peaceful aspects of nature. I feel that we live in a very synthetic drama world in which others try to create drama and you try to create drama. But once you are on your own you aren't somebdy anymore and there won't be any friction anymore.
👆 this!!
In essence, I treated people the way my parents treated me and it left me as alone as they are. Now I'm trying to find friends and be happy.
Most people with unhealthy family relationships don't understand that not every friendship will last the test of time. Friends are not to substitute broken relationships with parents. People are for a reason, mainly for the season and sometimes for a lifetime. I cut off many people from my life, and I moved on. I didn't give the reason; it was just unhealthy or disrespectful. If you are an adult, you don't have to explain yourself. I'm not a partner to anyone who has unfinished business from their past. Also, people cut me off, and I never waste my time finding the answer to why. They have their reason, and I respect that. Learning takes time, but my life is much better when I apply those rules.
There are plenty of good relationships outside of the trauma. Too many souls are stuck in a relationship called friendship, but it only breaks their spirit. Being honest about friendship requires honesty and courage.
"if you're an adult you don't have to explain yourself"
I couldn't disagree more.
Just sounds like pure ignorance and not in a good way.
Communication is key.
If you want to be surrounded by people who also don't care about anything then fine do that but don't tell others that's the way to live.
@@erdbeerzwiebel3404 It's call maturity. Everyone has the right to their own opinion, but it's essential to acknowledge that those who have experienced trauma very often act immaturely and they have lack self-awareness and social grace. People aren't obligated to tolerate such behavior daily, especially in friendships. You can call it whatever you want and don't have to like it.
You are SPOT ON! My entire family has been very painful and distant from me…
I was very ill with autoimmune disease AND I had a “leaking” AVM that caused me to have extremely severe anemia which was so low the doctor sent an ambulance to take me to the hospital ASAP… was a 5.1 hemoglobin at the lowest level but because it had leaked so slowly I couldn’t tell what was wrong…
My family refused to believe me and they were convinced that I was lying… but 60 blood transfusions during a 2 year period was a nightmare… especially when I was alone and being shunned by my loved
I'm so sorry you're struggling with anemia! I struggle with severe anemia too, and I wondered if you would talk more about your health situation. Two years ago I had an HGB of 3.6 and was given a massive blood transfusion and iron infusion. The nurses were all freaked out that I was still functioning with a 3.6 HGB and spoke about me in the halls whispered tones. I'm STILL struggling to get my iron levels up to normal. I'm sitting at a 7/8 HGB level. Nothing I have done has worked. I have IBS too from a lifetime of stress, which exacerbates the issue because I can't eat the foods that are supposed to be iron-rich and can't take iron supplements because they destroy my stomach further. I've used beef liver supplements for a year, and they haven't done nearly enough. I'm taking Flinstones chewable vitamins. I'm too poor to get any sort of health insurance or to see a hematologist for regular iron infusions. Other than blood transfusions, what have you done that has helped you raise your iron levels?
I've struggled with anemia since my teens, but all my life everyone else's health problems were always more important than mine. Now that I'M sick, the attention and care I showed to the toxic family has, of course, not been returned toward me. Zero sympathy for me. Zero help. Zero consideration. I've been told numerous times throughout the years that I'm lazy because I have to sleep a lot and can't do much physical activity without feeling like my heart is going to explode. I'm not lazy. I'm sick. The energy vampires I've been forced to endure for four decades aren't helping me feel any better, but I don't have the ability to go no contact because recovering from my anemia is taking a lot of time.
I hope your physical health improves, and I am sorry that your family has been so awful to you. I totally get it and empathize. Despite all the misery you're dealing with, I hope you have a somewhat tolerable Christmas. Internet hugs to you.
@@spacegirl226 I presume you take your iron at least half an hour before food, and with vitamin C containing juice? And steer clear of caffeine. And get B12, from eggs for example? You need vitamin C and B12 to absorb iron. I get slow release iron pills. Prevents digestive issues with them.
@louisehogg8472 Presumption correct. The only caffeine I have is from hot tea, which I drink an hour or so after I have taken my supplements. I am doing all the things. I am desperately doing all the things.
@@spacegirl226 Did you take the cvd shot?
See if you have mold toxicity (mainstream med will not look into anything. I had to save my own life, literally in 2020 and still going). Parasites suck the blood too. Get out of the mainstream and get real labs. I had anemia too, but got to the roots...it's not easy, quick, etc.
@@louisehogg8472 finding the root cause is critical
This is exactly what I just went through with my long time friend/fellow CPTSD, who came to visit.
I felt attacked over and over again, and there was no reasoning behind her lashing out… It was as if things she was feeling we’re not based on reality, and she was causing drama when we should’ve just been enjoying each other’s company.
It was truly crazy making, and I couldn’t get away from her fast enough.
I wrote her after the visit, that I hope she takes this new low seriously and gets the help she needs.
As for myself, I am mourning the loss of a friend.
Hang in there!
Nika@TeamFairy
@ thank you. The ball is definitely in her court… I’m just proud of myself that I didn’t get sucked into her drama Vortex, thanks largely in part to the crappy fairy ♥️🙏
Honestly, I don't even bother with trying to have friends anymore. I go to work, and I come home and spend time with my husband. Occasionally, I'll text with others, maybe even go over someone's house once in a blue moon. But I gave up trying to have close friends and family. I'm 37 and have never been able to maintain them because of my symptons and just never finding the kind of people who understood and accepted me. I accept that my illness has been a factor, but I also accept that I've made it this far, not having those constant connections. My hope is that when I pass on, I will be at peace someplace, and none of this will matter anymore. Is that healthy? Probably not. But, it's my experience.
However, that doesn't mean I can't enjoy those waves of connection that happen. It helped to give up the desire to be surrounded by loved ones. That only happens on television and films, for the most part. It is what it is, but everyone is different. For those of you craving connection, I say keep fighting for it. Happy holidays everyone✨️
I don't trust anyone and I am really nice but I get totally misunderstood. It takes like 5 years for someone to get to know me. And I just don't bother to much energy.
@juliebell4545 I feel you! It sucks but after being through the same old song and dance with people, you just get tired of playing the game. Screw it, we're fine with our own company💁
@@anotherhealingjourneybegins we can console ourselves with the knowledge that no one really has or needs an army of close friends. That's unrealistic. Most people have a handful, maybe of truly trusted friends.
@sPi711 This is very well said! And makes much more sense. May you have an amazing day🙌✨️
@@anotherhealingjourneybegins And may you as well. Just so you know, you've made one more friend.
I haven't lashed out in decades, but that's mostly because I quit drinking almost 22 years ago. Even when my late beloved husband and I argued, I managed to not yell or get sarcastic. I think that's why in good part, our somewhat brief (8 years) time together was sweet from start to end. When one person stays calm, it seems easier for the other to do the same.
6 years sober for me too. It’s really helped slow my mouth down. I also don’t whine as much as I used to. My kids like me a lot better. That means a lot.
“Trauma is like a house where all the doors in windows have nothing in them, so all the cold air and branches are getting in”
The only time I lash out is when a “friend” has repeatedly crossed boundaries I have previously set multiple times with them ie, treatment I will tolerate, if I am repeatedly unconsidered and constantly left feeling bad by this person after I’ve expressed to them how their treatment affects me, they apologize but continue doing the same thing, yes it’s my fault for continuing to be friends with them but once I’m done I’m done and I have no problem going out with a bang and making sure it’s clear that bridge will never be rebuilt
Being socially sharpened and anti-social has its perks!
I lost my friend of 27 years. She brought up trauma and put me down, said “we’re losers.” I was in freeze mode, then later brought up things how she didn’t appreciate me but it was her words. She blocked me everywhere. She’s unhappy with her life and took out her pain on me. It hurts.
Sometimes space is needed. Maybe you didn’t lose her as much as giving space.
That's not a friend. And 27 years is impressive.
@@Here_Today_I think it’s over. She blocked me 4 months ago. I can’t even explain to her how it was her words that hurt me. I’ll do my best to move on.
@@Muck-qy2ooshe was a friend but things got toxic. I feel she saw her trauma in me, we both had emotionally absent/abusive fathers and similar struggles. It felt she took out her pain on me. I will do my best to move on.
Maybe she feels out of control and blocking you is the only way for her to feel a sense of control. If she tears you down that’s not a friend❤️🩹
I seemed to incite hatred just for existing.I have been on the recieving end of lashing out much more than I actually lashed out .Maybe it was my indifference .
Indifference can be very hurtful and even traumatizing for people that have been neglected, indifference is felt similar to someone not caring one bit. It also can make someone appear coldhearted and self absorbed. I hope things get better for you, not having the energy or ability in the moment to care shouldn't be an invitation to be hated. I'm sorry and hope this helps, sometimes an outside pov can help. 💞
@@justdawndbDead on. Yes. and we attract and are attracted to, each other. I'm glad you supplied that pov because I used to think "poor me" too.
"Faithless is he that says farewell when the road darkens” is a quote from The Fellowship of the Ring by J.R.R. Tolkien.
Dang…didn’t know she posted this 10 hours ago. Literally God sent
I handed a friend a Christmas gift the other day and it i became overwhelmed with anxiety. What if she made fun of me? What if she criticized my gift? What if she laughed at the gift? I nearly burst into tears before I could get control of my emotions again when she had a positive reaction. This is no way to live
I hear you. Overthinking is so common for people with childhood PTSD. I encourage you to try The Daily Practice (free course). It can help you slow down the running thoughts, calm your mind, and eventually get regulated. Give it a try if you haven't already: bit.ly/CCF_DailyPractice
Nika@TeamFairy
My abandoning people comes out as being unreliable.
If someone is draining me and stirring up my internal conflicts, my people pleasing and fear that they'll collapse if I set a boundary (that I fear they'll cross), stop me openly abandoning them. And instead I find I'm abandoning them by becoming an unreliable friend.
oh gosh - thank you for shedding light for me! i think a particular friend has this very behavior. and particularly after my reliable self lashes out 🤦🏽♀️
my problem is that I was opposite....loyal beyond healthy. Fought and fawned
@@Jennifer-gr7hn i felt the same way for a very long time. after years of the same hamster wheel, fighting, fawning, and eventually freezing to a point it seemed i had forgotten how to move or make a decision. the fight part - was me lashing out after having been neglected and mistreated to a breaking point. this was a marriage vs the friendship i referenced in the first comment. there’s always going to be something to heal from, but li’m making healthier decisions now. even if it means walking away and/or loving from afar.
@Jennifer-gr7hn that's what I mostly do. Have ruined my health and years of my life as a result. Can't work, can barely leave the house now. Tried the daily practice, but the exertion of attempting it about twice a week, left me almost too exhausted to eat.
Not only friends but family siblings. My sisters have no idea something that seems so benign to them is so painful for me. I also having learning disabilities under autism umbrella. I lash out when I am hurt triggers keep you stuck
“ Cows on the roof” I am so using that one 😂 Needed that clarity and humour today 🥰
And ducks in the bedroom. Lol.
Yes! hahahahah great image, like flying pigs. I have a porcelain flying pig actually to remind me of some things ;)
"The sage Shantideva, in the Bodhicaryavatara, in talking about the subject of suffering, offered a famous analogy for how we try to alleviate our suffering. He’s said that if you walk on the earth and it’s hurting your feet, you might want to cover all the earth with hides of leather, so that you’d never have to suffer from the pain of the ground. Or, you could simply wrap a bit of leather around your feet, and then it’s as if the whole world is covered with leather and you’re always protected.” Pema Chodron
This is something I’ve been sitting on heavy this week…. This came at the perfectly relevant time
We're so happy to hear that :) -Calista@TeamFairy
I suffered from bad childhood trauma, neglect and abuse, and I have the worst friendships, but the problem is because I keep finding the same pattern of behavior , the familiarity and dysfunction that I have become accustomed to due to my childhood experiences, and I look for that in all my friendships. It's because I don't feel normal. Normal scares the crap out of me. I am afraid that normal people will see how damaged I am.
I have had 7 years of therapy, and though I have healed so many parts of me, that has been the one part of me that has been hard to heal.
You are my favorite friend to sit down with - you get it, but best.. you can explain what's happening. I thank you most especially, thousandfold, for THIS video (but all the rest too of course). You're so amazing.. Thank you. 💗
Yes to everything.
Very helpful.
I do not not trust doctors and think they are a waste of time.
Mine just cancelled two appointments.
I really don't want to rebook.
This channel is a million times more useful.
This is a trauma response… not trusting doctors because of past negative experiences with completely different doctors, is neither reasonable nor fair.
@@itslexactuallyIt’s called learning from experience
Dear Anna, this is the first time I’ve cried throughout one of your videos. You answered questions I haven’t been able to ask anyone, and I’m beyond grateful for that. Listening to you has already helped me understand what happened to me in childhood and how that has affected my relationships with men. But to learn what happened to several of my important friendships with women! This is new! I don’t think I had the honesty, openness, and willingness to even try figuring this out. And then there you were. Thank you with all my heart ♥️
Wow, we're so happy to hear that the video was helpful! Thank you for being a part of our community :) -Calista@TeamFairy
How about when love comes from another person, but the one on the receiving end can never even imagine such a thing,
So it remains for them as though the giving never happened.
But the giver is hurt and feels unacknowledged; as though they didn't exist.
And, in effect, they don't. Because their love is unimaginable to the other person.
The trauma has thus been shared.
Such a traumatized person is sensitive to pain and seemingly impervious to love.
Trauma causes an inversion of the response to love, either by registering love as pain or by blocking it out altogether.
this hits hard 🥲
Those who matter, don't mind and those who don't matter, mind.
I get to be me around those people who don't mind.
Oh boy. “Words are loaded with hurt”. I have such trouble making friends. I think I don’t want to make the effort to keep a friend. I’m not worthy to have friends. Yikes. 😢
You are worthy, we all are worthy of friends, at least you can start by being your own friend, talk to yourself nicely, be kind, understand yourself, give yourself time and listen to your feelings...then try and process them, ask yourself "why am I feeling this way?" I wish you well, be happy ☺️🙏🤞🏼
Trauma-driven thinking can be discouraging. But never forget: Healing is possible! If you haven't already, you may want to try Anna's free course ‘The Daily Practice’. It is the technique that led to Anna’s own healing, and she uses it to this day. Here’s a link if you’re interested: bit.ly/CCF_DailyPractice
Nika@TeamFairy
I lost several friends after my Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI)...
I'm sorry. That sounds painful
😔sorry to hear this. I have a chronic health issue and I can relate it seems people don't always handle it well unless you are able to hide it/fake normalcy. It can make us feel quite isolated.
I have practiced these since I was a child.
I had to teach myself this because I had no one to regulate my emotions or responses. I really was quite accepting, detached, and somewhat analytical (especially for a female in the Southern culture of that time). This really kept me apart from the norm of emotionally open and expressive (but often gossipy and judgemental) southern women who hadn't been traumatized.
Also, I was fairly distrustful of girls and women for good reason. I was very empathetic so I often attracted traumatized people (like my parents) and became their confidante or big sister.
At 61 I'm fairly comfortable with the fact that I probably won't ever be a woman with a great deal of female friends. Not because I don't have the social skills or because I'm overly reactive - just because I wasn't really built for it due to my nature and my experience. And that's alright. I think I did pretty well considering.
Thank you for this, it is extremely helpful as I am navigating a heartbreaking situation with my daughter. 💔😔😢
i can totally relate..i got to the point that i won't be celebrating Christmas with her😔😔😔😪😪😪
We're all sending you encouragement :) -Calista@TeamFairy
@@DeeDee-el8bd same. Big hug to you.
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy thank you. 🙏 ♥️
I am the person that my friends do not care about. There was a time when my friends were abandoned by their lovers, and I talked to them and encouraged them, but when they found a new lover, they no longer cared about me, they did not even invite me to their wedding. It is so sad to think about it, what do you think about this?
If you'd like to submit a letter for Anna to respond to on TH-cam, you can submit it here: bit.ly/CCF_Letters
Nika@TeamFairy
There are people who make use of others.... But boundaries help...
I never thought about setting boundaries as in setting them for yourself and not for other people. I guess I thought about it as control of others rather than yourself. Oops. Everything you said was so helpful.
I need to rewatch this video several times. This is so important.
Hey Anna, thanks for your support, You are the BEST! Happy Holidays!
Happy holidays! -Calista@TeamFairy
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy Thank you!
Rant/Open Journal comment
Pre-Script: If you're "not reading all that," save your comment for another thread please. I promise you don't have to read ANY of this; you can comfortably skip this post in its entirety. Please.
I was the friend of 15+ years that lashed out. I regretted and regret it every day. Was told "We can never be as we once were." I blocked her, wanting to minimize further damage to her. It backfired. She's long moved on. I never truly mentally recovered. I don't even know where I stand with her anymore. I love her like a sister, but she will never be that close to me again, and it tears me up that I brought such deep and lasting harm that she gave up on me entirely. I even attempted, thinking it would fix everything and at least stop hurting so bad (years ago; I'm stable and better off these days).
I know I'm in limmerence with a human that is no longer. I will never see her face light up when I'm around, we will never have late night discussions, share stories, trust each other... both of those versions of us are dead, and I'm in perpetual mourning. Because *I* lashed out at my friend. I bit her jugular, and I will never know how deeply I hurt her because I lost that privilege.
It affects all of my relationships now. I don't believe I deserve friends, because I'm terrible at maintaining relationships. I'm ready to be dropped and abandoned at a moment's notice by anyone and everyone, because I learned from everyone's actions that I am not worth the trouble I bring. I circle the drain of disability due to my growing isolation, that I'm losing strength and grit to fight. I lowkey feel like I'm waiting to disappear into the silence again, which is NOT where I want to be, but I don't know what to do. It's so hard to keep fighting for myself when so few people-blood or chosen-are willing to fight with me.
The lip service is cute, "Let me know if you need anything," but I really don't think I can tell my friends ANYTHING! Not because they can't help (that's not their fault), but I don't want to ever be a burden again: and my life challenges are a big burden to resolve and carry. ...A burden that they will never understand (and God, I ironically hope they never do!), and a burden that my friends simply do not have time or (emotional) resources for. I feel very alone despite working with a licensed therapist regularly. Perhaps there are things I can do, when I have to spoons to do them. Tonight, (er, today...) I'm processing emotions as I'm working through a pretty sinister PTSD episode and fighting every intrusive thought that keeps me from my due sleep.
TL,DR: I did the deed, now reap my seed, and what a bitter, gnarly weed.
Lost many great friends too. Bless you, wishing you some healing!
Thank you so much. Really needed this. I’ve lost so many friendships because I just don’t know HOW to “friend”.
Friendship is a two way street. If friends walk away it may be that you stop playing down to them...to keep them around.
I have been the one to leave not that good friends behind and I have not regretted it once. Il vaut mieux être seule que mal accompagnée. I have my set of a few closest humans and a very loyal canine who beats the great majority of human friendships with flying colors.
For some reason over the past few years I've abandoned some relationships. Granted they have an approached me either but I just didn't have it in me to fight for them for some reason. A lot of it was post COVID. Others were because I didn't handle issues that I had with the person so I just walked away. It was just easier. I'm naturally pretty conflict avoidance so it was easy to do. On the other hand I don't feel good about having done it and I feel like I owe these people an apology.
People who is in this situación, need to have mercy for friends who just go away, but the time they do, are so over tired for be that much time holding up with you guys. Need to think about your friends feelings besaide your own trauma, and be thankfull for the time they gave you.
@@AnaValdes-fp3bp yes, I agree. People often need to step away for their own self preservation along with their families. At least they are doing their best to not bring the baffling behaviors from some of us into their family - breaking generational curses & trauma filled behavior - for the better good of the human race. It hurts yes, it is understandable and even often the right thing for them to do
Wishing you healing, patience & peace.
People just want to bother you with their problems, their lifes.. I believed friendship was helping each other and sharing our feelings and problems. Apparently not... when you need a substain and a good word.. they don't listen to you.
When you get older its hard to make friends. Especially when you are an „old mom.
Most people have their friends already
Thank you so much and Merry Christmas to all ❤🙏🎄
Wow this is the earliest I've been to one of your videos!
I joined the Fairy community because of an incident with a friend. I didn't say things I should have and said things I shouldn't have and it all came out dysregulatedly. It was all bad. It took my best friend hours to get me seeing things more normally. I never want to be that dysregulated again.
🫂 Aww, you seem so kind and I'm proud of you.
@@JuliahFL I appreciate the sentiment. There is a nice side of me, and also a bite your head off side of me. I am working on it with mixed success. Thanks for the encouragement.
Friends is an old TV show made to make us feel more alone. Fantasy. Reality is people are too dysfunctional for healthy relationships.
This is good! I haven’t found my people yet, maybe one day.
Thanks so very much for your support and help! I have found your videos so true to what I felt growing up and they followed me all my entire life. I ts amazing how you describe how childhood trauma affects people. I grew up with a narcissist mother who raised us 5 kids herself,after my dad died at age 40 of cancer.we were aged 1,2,6,7, 11 years old.My mom provided food and shelter,but emotionally abused us and verbally abused us for all our lives until she got dementia, and oddly enough she became sweet and nice and even though confused was the mother I lost but felt I loved.We became closer before she died at age 95,but,but I still have resentment and broken hearts and bad memories that I can’t really forgive.
I struggle so much with making friends, still at 61.
I instead pull away now out of fear and I don't know how to respond when they reach out to me, like it's too much, I feel like I'm being forced into intimacy and I don't know how to that without fear of alot of things. My sister is the only one I am the most me with but even with her I stay a bit reserved.
I lash out and slowly everyone has left my life
Thank you so much. You are so gentle and kind. God bless you!
I still have a tendency to lash out, but most of the time, I lash inward to myself when I’m angry or emotionally dysregulated. I work each and every day to change this. I have both autism and CPTSD, so when I feel emotions, they can be very intense. I try to bottle the emotion, hide it, stop it from coming, or run from it by hitting myself, or masking it and saying I’m fine when I’m not. Thankfully, I have so many tools to help with this.
Hang in there and keep on working on your healing. We're all rooting for you!
Nika@TeamFairy
I have such a hard time with lashing out. I used to have really good friendships. I used to be well-liked. If I was triggered, it was mostly at home with my mom. Now I have many damaged relationships and I feel very hopeless about the future. You say “stop, and if necessary, walk away.“ Avoid the drama. With my mom, that seems impossible. If we are in an argument, if she is screaming at me, and she sees me walking toward the door, she blocks me from getting out, and now I am reacting in a physical way, sometimes pushing and being tempted to hit :-( :-( :-(. If I try to sneak out the door while she is in another room, she will chase me down the apartment building hallway, yelling at me. I know the people in this building very well… It’s not a good look for either one of us :-(.
Mom is 90. Of course I want these last years to be good ones. My behaviors have now carried over into other areas of my life. I dys- regulate often. I wreck relationships. Some of these relationships were with people who are awfully similar to me 🤔. I’ve taken to isolation as A way of avoiding getting into conflicts… Although I love to be social, to be around people. Sometimes with mom, I can use CBT, I can be rational to a point. But Mom continues to yell, to criticize, to be unreasonable… Until I feel she has flipped the switch in me and I lash out. And you know what? This actually often works… In the moment. If I flip out, she may calm down or she stop doing whatever she was doing. Not a good habit I’ve developed here. Help, please.
Thank you for sharing your experience with us. One good tool to help with getting regulated is the Daily Practice. You can learn it for free here: bit.ly/CCF_DailyPractice
Nika@TeamFairy
So many good nuggets of information in this video! I have grown and learned so much from these videos.
We're so happy to hear that! Thank you for being a part of our community :) -Calista@TeamFairy
I needed this today. Ty
Glad you're here :) -Calista@TeamFairy
Merry Christmas to everyone. I'm agnostic these days but regardless of what you believe in, I hope y'all's are in safe spaces. And if no one is there for you right now, YOU be there for you BOO. 💕🎄✨🎁💝💞💋
Thank you Anna, Merry Christmas
Happy holidays! -Calista@TeamFairy
It's funny because i hear myself a lot in these videos and i never realized there was such a direct link to my childhood trauma and all these issues. I set out to learn about myself to change things around after i got out of prison. Its taken me nany years to learn what she just summed up in this video. It has to be understood for it to work through.
My loss of freindships historically have been 2 fold . One , I attract relationships with people who are incapable of intimacy . Second is attracting people who truama dump and see as more a therapist than as a freind . People who stay stuck in the same dramas without any real wilingness to change . Thank fully , today I have a freind group who I trust and love unconditionally.
I have no friends but it isn't because I lashed out or brought drama. I could not open up sufficiently. There would come a point where they needed me to "buy in" emotionally more, but I would freeze instead and they felt abandoned. It was like an ice wall would slam down between us, trapping me inside and them on the outside. Either drama people would absorb me and just use me to bounce off of, or people who actually liked me would try to draw me out towards them like I guess normal people do. The drama friends would get bored and drop me, but the people who wanted me in their lives would end up disappointed and hurt thinking I didn't really care. It was always excruciating because I didn't know how to let my guard. I trust no one. And now I remain alone so I don't disappoint anybody else and go through the pain of them, in anger and tears, leaving me.
:-(. Oh boy 😢 very sad reality ... I say I'm the common denominator .. I've had great friends in my life ..and yes relationships have fizzled ..
I know it's my fault
Very sad reality for sure.
@CinHalCedHerChance I've had some awesome experiences even still
.but desire a more balanced approach to relationships. This channel has opened my eyes to things I never understood about myself. It's very unfortunate we had the childhoods we did .I often would just day dream of other families and their closeness and warmth. .yearning for that ...I always felt I was damaged.
I attribute some of my experience to cultural..my father's parents were immigrants from Scotland. Not exactly nurturing people . The other Irish. Also kinda cold emotionless types ..
A young mother dying in my basement for years didn't help.
It is what it is ..
Merry Christmas to you all ..
I'm grateful to have found you 💗
Im embarrseed by my behaviours. Im aware i sound emotional and lots of drama ...i stay alone bc i know im off..having Lyme disease and toxic mold illness doesnt help..
I wish there was a magic wand. Bc this healing feels overwhelming to be honest
You are not alone. I'm sorry it's very lonely, isolating along with trauma caused by gaslighting "professionals"
💞
Take a lot of vitamin C
I am approaching 73. At last their are pathways out of Borderline. Bless you.
There are more reasons for friendship breakage:
⛑️one sided connection
⛑️poor communication
⛑️only contacting or hanging out to kill two birds with one stone (stems possibly from parentifcation/chronic emotional neglect/inability to be vulnerable)
⛑️only contacting you when the other person needs you to do something for them
⛑️making you do something that crosses boundaries (social media stalking or other account access to equate as “friendship”)
⛑️only being friends to enable one another’s trauma behavioral patterns
⛑️etc…
Yeah, but the risk in mitigating is that I gaslight myself, and findmyself responsible for the issue. Learning to pause - slow things down in all ways - has helped the most. Slows my responses down, and slows down the development of new friendships to see if they are actually safe.
Merry x mas everybody 🎉❤
Remember ...
Is it true ? Is it kind ? Is it necessary? =
Love for yourself and other ..❤
I have a narciscistic parent in my life that breaks off all my friendships. 😢 I caught her and my sister hating on my best friends of 30 years. Pure hatred and jealousy 😢 I lost 3 friends this year😢. One i cut off due to her belittling me behind my back. The other was just using me as a free babysitter. The third cut me off after i started implementing boundaries. Also my toxic parent all the while controlling with whom i have friendships in the family😢
Over midlife now and I do push people away. I just cannot regulate around people. My brain hurts and I cannot manage it all. Have tried counselling but I have yet to find someone that can help me. My mind takes over and consumes my life, the worry, the anxiety, it is hard work. It is exhausting. Have a hard time with it. x
Thank you for sharing. I think you may benefit from The Daily Practice. It is a great way to process fears and resentment. If you’re interested, you can try it for free here: bit.ly/CCF_DailyPractice
Nika@TeamFairy
Hi Anna, i hope you are doing good!sending you a virtual 🤗
Glad you're here! -Calista@TeamFairy
Do you have a way to tell a person they are doing all that, lashing back, making and seeking drama?
Because I have been through all those and I became conscious about all my problems, learned about boundaries, about how to regain control and heal.
But I see people who are super unhealed still, and they say they are healed so much, that they are giving free therapy on tiktok. And when I tried to show them, questioning their bad behaviors with me, they blocked me instead.
So, I don't know if I didn't know how to communicate it to them, if I was too direct or what. Or if they are just that much toxic.
Would a therapist tell someone if they are being unhealed like that? Because the person claims to be doing therapy.. and I think he is incapable of listening or being honest to the psychologist.
What I've learned is that you don't need to show anyone anything. It's not about their behavior, it's about what experiences you want to have in your life. When you're focused on someone else's behaviour, it's a form of co-dependency.
Focusing on you looks like 'I prefer clear, direct interactions with happy, warm people.' for example.
Did the interaction with that person fit with your boundary statement?
No?
Then it's not for you. Leave and move on. That's all you need to do. No overthinking, no teaching their 'bad' behaviors, no judging whether that person should be doing therapy. Really, their behavior is none of your business... which sounds harsh, but that's the bottom line.
Wishing you healing.
they just ...disappear, disconnect
No, other people loose their ability to stay connected with ME, cause my standard were hightened by my inner spirit…so I let go of all others, who were themself not keeping ME in their heart!
Your videos are always so wonderful and help me reframe things in my mind. Recently my best friend and I split up and it hurts like hell. But it needed to happen.