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Hi. I am so blessed by your videos. I was saved from marrying a man not so good for me. I did not know it was a limerence. Can you please make a video on how trauma affects studying, learning and concentration. I want to go after my dreams , but it requires studying for atleast 8 hrs a day. Can you please help out
Yup... been doing this for literally 8 years since my wife passed and I've seriously wounded myself with loneliness in that time. Now I no longer know how to feel safe and trust people who I know, intellectually are safe and understanding. I still am able to work, but I've had almost no emotional connection to the many good and well intentioned people around me. I'm working on it now, but it makes me sad. I've now such a backlog of powerful fears and emotions that I don't know how to connect or get to a place where I feel safe without trauma dumping and letting the person I'm speaking to know how profoundly confused and scared I am in almost every aspect of ideological, personal or spiritual belief. I realize that this puts an unfair weight on those that I care about and an unfair expectation for them to bare, and since I can't seem to self-censor as these fears and confusion are the crux of my worldview, or the result of me trying to understand and interpret an increasingly confusing, complex and dark external world (when viewing the outside world in aggregate), I must therefor continue to bare this weight alone.
I agree. I am an introvert loner and I've been this way my entire life. I'm a very creative person and find being with myself more entertaining than being around others. I love learning about myself, being there for myself and I know I will never betray or let myself down. I'm also autistic and so the stimuli of being around people in general is simply not enjoyable to me. I love select people time, once in a while. So I have a few close friends and will connect with them when I have the emotional and mental energy. They understand this and get it. Otherwise I will become aggressive, bitchy and simply am not good company to be arond. It took me 37 years to realize that I simply am not happy around people in general and it manifests in hostility towards strangers like coworkers. I'm that person that's there to work, be left the fuck alone and go home. Sadly society does not accept this type of personality so I've had to isolate myself for my own mental health reasons. I do believe most people who ONLY have CPTSD and are not fully introverts by nature probably should not enjoy or gravitate towards wanting to spend more time alone than with others. But for introverts, it can really help you work through your thoughts and emotions.
Same here. I also found it so deeply restful to have my inner situation mirrored in the world. My childhood was basically an outer shell of pretend things are fine while on the inside I was living in an emergency situation. Having an emergency happening visibly, in the outside world, that everyone was aware of really helped me reset.
It's heavy to genuinely connect with people while constantly wondering if they're trying to manipulate and control me, hurt me, if I'm being toxic, if they truly don't actually want to associate with me, if I can trust myself to enforce boundaries, if my emotions are a burden to them...It's a huge task.
Wow thank you for putting words into feelings I can relate too tremendously.. thank you for sharing, for being where you are and holding yourself with compassion as we navigate the dark in hopes of finding light and hope for a breath of new life. 💓
I had a very intelligent friend tell me once: "I can't imagine how hard things are for you, because you're essentially an extrovert living as an introvert." in other words, i think he meant "you need healthy connections in your life and you aren't getting them."
I always tested nearly 100% introvert on personality tests. Then I heard someone say if you're really extreme on a test like that it means there's childhood trauma. That one comment made me reconsider almost everything I knew. Your friend's comment is such an amazingly compassionate observation.
Being around people doesn’t trigger me. Being around people who drain me, have used me, or that have broken my trust is draining. I prefer peace from people who constantly attract drama.
absolutely! sadly, i feel it’s becoming more and more difficult to find others who enjoy peaceful connections and are aware of/practice healthy boundaries.
To be honest I’d rather be alone and feel safe, than continue to be around people and having my stress level increased. I don’t think anything’s wrong with that.
It’s not even stress most people are unaware and luck accountability so they look to others as fuel. Even if isolation is a form of stress management that doesn’t make it a negative.
For me, it’s not just childhood trauma. But also lifelong trauma, still continuing now in my early 50s. Along with lifetime trauma, I also was born with a severe facial birth defect which affects the whole right side of my face and my front teeth. I’ve been stared at, pointed and whispered about, laughed at, treated much different than “normal” people, bullied - yes even now, mean girls/people never grow out of it, and I just can’t continue going through that everyday of my life. I live a solitary life with my many rescue animals and I work a solitary night shift job as a Pediatric home health nurse. I do crave connection but I have learned it comes at such a cost to me, and 99% of people aren’t truly safe. So I continue to have a life with my rescue animals and just deal with the isolation.
I would give you a hug if I could. Dostoevsky said beauty will save the world. I suspect that your soul is extremely beautiful, full of resilience and compassion for other people in pain. I always feel joy, awe and respect when I encounter people with disabilities. It never made sense to me why we would discount people who are marginalized, neurodivergent, or physically limited, when they are so much stronger than me in their ability to endure hardship, pain, and injustice. Your heart is what matters, not your face; all our faces will rot in the grave, and when others look upon our skulls, they will not discern who was beautiful or who was ugly, who was fat, who was skinny, etc. Death visits us all equally and without prejudice, and I hope our hearts become pure before that time comes. I hope kind and compassionate people come into your life. ❤
I am very sorry that you had to go through what you have. You did not deserve it. People can be terrible. Rescue animals are the best. My situation is not exactly like yours, but I know where you've been because I've been through similar. I know you don't know me, but I'm not in the 99%. If you are willing to reach out, I am. If not, that's okay too. I send you blessings and thank you for being brave enough to share your story. As @lostandfoundsheep said, I would give you a hug if I could. It's the very least you deserve.
I attend online ACA and CoDA meetings. It's a very non-threatening way to be in connection w ppl w similar backgrounds but still keep your own boundaries. Your camera does not have to be on. You do have to sift through to find a group that feels like a good fit, but it takes the focus off of thinking there is something wrong w us--- because there isn't. Wishing all of us deep healing.
@@mherrjrelax mherejj, no need to come at an internet stranger so strongly. they were simply sharing their own opinion. doing so doesn’t make a person lack in logical thinking, nor does it mean they believe the world revolves around them. it’s okay mherjj, it’s going to be okay.
@@mherrjjumped on here to be rude? Odd. How about this isn’t about you and why do you feel like you’re the moderator of this comment section? Maybe use your phone to call a therapist.
Most of my working life was dealing with the public. I've just reached the point where I find people are generally annoying and I'm fed up with all the hypocrites, users, backstabbers, and narcissists (especially narcissists in today's age) and many of the so-called "friends". Those trustworthy and close to me are now all gone and it's just a matter of when it's my turn. Sorry, Anna, I appreciate the advice, but that's just the way it is for me.
Ha! Just knowing I will have the time to get in some good isolation time can literally make my day! I spend more than half of my day alone working on the yard or my projects, and leave the property maybe once a week. Less if I can swing it. That said, I actually joined a local rockhounding group, and shockingly approached another member about riding together and splitting gas to our next field trip. Looking forward to Saturday!
@@ironlady6897 company is good but only if it’s good company! I spent most of my days in isolation. Even at work I’m separated. I can take people for about 5 minutes before I’m drained. Some people i can be around a lot longer but only if they are optimistic. I live in the northeast where most people are naturally bitter and suspicious minded. Rock hounding sounds fun! Enjoy!
@@jaydub7386 they get mad cause you don’t want to play their games so they try to guilt you out in public for a mockery. Isolation isn’t good for long but if they want to shame you for not participating in stupidity then isolation is good 👍
@@jaydub7386i agree! since a young child my family always said (in a mocking tone) “oh, so and so is always in their own world, they exist in their own world” as if it was a bad thing. as an adult, this has been a constant problem everywhere i go, usually coming from people with narcissistic and controlling tendencies. believe it or not, also from people who have gone out of their way to express their dislike for me. if you don’t like a person, why would you care if they choose to live their lives far away from you? i’d be celebrating that if anything!! 😂
I think it's just how it sounds. *You don't need people that feed off of your soul and use you*. There is a difference. I have my faith in God, that helps me to put out feelers to see where the positive connections are. Some connections are nurturing and fill you. Some are like vampires it's about knowing the difference. I find that family are mostly the problem. It's so true about finding your true family. 🤗
Pets are a great way to connect, and they are amazing company. Plus they get you out for daily walks. You can small talk with other people you meet on your walk.
I very much relate to this. Another painful part of this feeling is that when I do hang out with folks (at the gym other athletic pursuits) is when I say something stupid (or it seems stupid to me) I beat myself up for days. Its exhausting.
@@TruthFelt Yes especially at the gym when all your blood is working your muscles 😊 There's a saying I learned at work...People forget what you say but will never forget how you made them feel ... it was supposed to help you to remember to be kind to customers but now it reminds me my exact words don't matter as long as I'm being genuine kind and respectful ❤
I don’t hate people. People are really cool to me. I just prefer to be alone and have my circle real small. I get absolutely nothing from interacting with people. I feel like they get more out of in the encounter than I do. People are really draining to me. And I feel SUCH relief when I’m alone in silence. Like I can finally breathe.
i'm the same way. i just find people very draining and i need to recover from social stuff and it takes about double the time the social stuff took. i have a very small circle of trusted friends and i prefer it that way. and i feel if you've rewired your brain via childhood trauma to be triggered by people and to prefer isolation, then maybe that's just the way you like to live your life. and maybe that's perfectly fine. no need to change unless you want to. but i feel like cptsd people (lilke me) have tried to socialise before and found it not worth it.
ooof, yes, this. i feel like i have to put in so much energy, and even sometimes leave in a worse mental and emotional state than i was in before, depending on the person i'm with, while they walk away happy, which, great, but also, i can't engage like that so often, or i'm literally performing self harm or some form of torture that i need three days to recover from. And it really never gets better unless the person you are with is more chill and sensitive, it really isn't you that's the issue, but if you are calm, introverted etc, some people will also start almost diagnosing you on the spot or pretending they are a guru giving self care advice lol. and you get dragged by some who bring you a lot of stress, it's very easy to even start questioning yourself, forgetting to enforce boundaries, they may even get some "life advice" thrown into your face without you even asking if they don't see you as thrilled as they are, and it's exhausting, its not really in hopes of any benefit to you either, it's more of a "hey you are failing at giving me the energy i demand, what's up with that" deal. then, returning home feels llike a blessing, you can now FINALLY relax, but what was that time outside meant to be then? and that's the issue. you just literally wasted an afternoon torturing yourself for absolutely zero benefit to yourself, there's no other way around it. For those more introverted out there, don't let anyone get into your head about how you are suppossed to be interacting more or else you are failing yadda yadda. no. do what doesn't feel draining to you. go out with the right people, or just stay doing what you love on your own. some people seem chronically allergic to the idea that someone may be happy on their own, they'll try and make you question yourself at each corner. and often times, you end up finding out how those surrounded by people are pretty sad folk once the curtains are down. At the end of the day, people come and go, they can be great sure, but the only fact about this life is that you are with yourself till you are no more.
When you are taught not to trust strangers and you can't trust your family or yourself, whom do you trust? How do you let people in, when your walls were erected to protect you? In your birth family, you must be on total guard. And you can't tell strangers, friends, family members what's really going on in your life, without betraying the family. So, you shut down and isolate. Isolation, for me, has always been the only time in my life when I felt safe.
Very timely, I've become an expert isolator. Went to my first social event in 5 years this weekend. The hardest part is definitely committing to go, but then so many triggers, drunk folks with no boundaries, loud noises, multiple conversations at once, trying to eat food to be polite when you wanna puke. But on the other hand, found some amazing support I never saw coming and was truly seen by people who are good and care. Still so hard to get out there...
I was so relieved and at peace during the pandemic to be isolated . I still can’t push myself to resume being at gatherings. Everything attempts to be closed to women backfires. Now I can only handle one on one interaction and with men only, feeling safer.
@@taniadangtran1359 As much as the pandemic was terrifying, it was also a nice comfy blanket for getting out of social obligations. I sometimes wish it was happen again to take away the social pressures. But I know that's not living. We are meant to be social creatures in community. They are many kind and interesting folks out there to meet when we put ourselves out there. Seems most of the monsters are just in my head. If still isolating, every small step helps. Trips to the post office, corner store, garden center. Through familiar and safe encounters, we can start rebuilding confidence in the world again and allowing interesting folks in, even if it's just to share a "good day" sentiment. It's a hard battle of wills to be sure, but the voice that's trying to keep us safe and isolated, is wrong.
I think there is a period in life where you just constantly meet people who are shitty so you need to go hide...I really wanna break out of isolation but seems to me that time hasn't just fully come yet
I very much relate. Keep going and I hope you can find that inner strength soon. You are enough as you are, and you deserve to feel good and have growth in your life. I’ve been trying to celebrate the small things that help me and make me happy in life more, but it’s been scary even opening up to what makes me happy, let alone other people. Yikes. This life is wild, and I wish you luck! I’m sorry people have been awful to you, please know you deserve care and compassion. From yourself and others!
I made it to church two weeks in a row. Exhausting. The people are nice. Everything is fine there. But it's me. I haven't done it in so long. I used to sing solos, be the worship leader, give talks, be on committees. Then everything in my life fell apart, and after that I spent seven years caring for my ill mother. She died in April of 2023, and I'm trying to heal from all that trauma and exhaustion. Being around people is very hard, but I know I can't keep isolating. So, let's see if I can maybe make it to one of the church's midweek activities AND the service next Sunday too. This is how friendships and a support network will form. I'm scared, tired, resistant, but I know it's what I need. Thanks, Anna. Your videos, zoom calls and articles help me a lot. ♥
Be patient with yourself. My mom passed in February 2013 and tbh the first couple of years were a bit of a write off and i didnt start feeling myself again for a couple of years.
I think this resonates with me. People can subtly pick up cues about us, and we embody our beliefs. I'm hoping to reframe the same belief too one day ❤
This is why I loved being a caregiver for 2 years, I am 60. I loved making a difference in lonely elder’ life. I get burnt being hurt by “friends” but having a giving heart I feel like I have love to offer to others, especially the isolated. By giving it actually fulfill me.
It's all about boundaries. My family of origin still has none, so I didn't learn about them. I still find myself in one-way relationships where the other person's needs are to be honored, but my needs, not so much. I am so very careful to be respectful, but it is exhausting. Isolation can be a huge relief, both short- and long-term. I am learning to meet my own needs whenever possible. I take responsibility for putting myself in those situations, personally and professionally. That's the beginning.
I make friendly acquaintances easily. People that will go out and dance or drink with me. But when it comes to making reliable friends that I could ask for support to take me to the airport or bring me soup when I'm sick doesn't exist. I don't find people that engage with me beyond a surface level, so I don't bother making relationships with people that aren't surface level.
I get you! Totally know this feeling. I reach out and give of myself, then when I need/want, they are so busy, and so I let it dry up and count that as another failed attempt. When I open up, only to have corrections and orders to do me differently, It’s hurts! So I isolate and get BIG hobbies to do on my own. Only to wish I could share with someone.
@@shag1hsb64 Yep. This is why I don't do favors or anything for people anymore unless I genuinely want to. I've RARELY had anyone reciprocate anything when I'm in need. Giving people the opportunity to show up and when they just continuously let you down gets old. And it'll often be small "asks" and they still can't or won't do it. But I've gotten so comfortable being alone, I'm fine now. Only thing that sucks if I ever have an actual emergency I don't have anyone. No one to stay with, no one to borrow money from, no one to help in any regard.
As someone with CPTSD, and aware of how to heal it thanks to Anna, I still isolate and honestly love being alone. I was diagnosed with cancer a few years ago and I still haven't regained my physical strength in full. I find most people absolutely exhausting ... the small talk, nonsense, pettiness, narcissistic behavior, self-centeredness. I literally get tired being around it. Being alone is so much more peaceful. I know human connection is necessary, but if it's not with emotionally balanced, sane people, is it worth it? Harder to find those types.
I wish you to heal from your cancer. I agree with all what you said. Is friendship a myth in our modern world where everyone seem dysfunctional, and self centered? I actually find lots of people here with good heart that I wish I could meet and be friends here… I am sure online community is not replacing our needs for human connection but maybe it’s better than nothing at all? I wish Anna could give us her take on that.
When you're single staying home om a Saturday night and isolating all weekend is easy. The real challange is showing up and doing stuff you want to do and doing it by yourself. Challange accepted and ticket purchased to see Jim Jeffries and Jimmy Carr in September. Ive actually done a few solo vacations and noticed more often than not people tend to wish they were you putting yourself out there enjoying your own adventure.
@@taniadangtran1359 try it even for a day in the city you live in ...take yourself out on a solo date and pretend you are a tourist ...or even go to a movie by yourself ...it took me to about 45 years to learn that if i wait for people to come with me to do the things i want to do i will never do them.
I love solo trips done it for years and had the time of my life all over the world, but some trips I've postponed or just plain not bothered to plan because of wanting a buddy or crew to go with.
You say what you want about isolation. I prefer it to dealing with other people's refusal to deal with their sh**. There's no reciprocity in these relationships and it literally takes a toll on my body. So yes, I avoid those who wear their trauma as a badge and think it fine to crap on others. The art of conversation has evolved into listing all your ailments and trauma from decades ago instead being in and enjoying the present. I find a small number of folks and interact with them. But the idea of having to accept and deal with everyone is FALSE Boundaries and sanctuaries are important.
I rarely come across a video like this. It's a breath of fresh air. My reasoning for isolating was a healthy choice at first, but has now become a nightmare I can't escape. I have tried reconnecting several years ago, but with little success. My complex trauma response is a monster too big for me. Thank you for putting out a video like this. It's incredibly validating. For those who are able to take these words and change their circumstance, my heart is with you on this frightening journey. For my fellow sufferers who feel trapped in this prison, my love is with you. I love you
Just listening to this has give me a stress lump in my throat and my anxiey is ravaging my brain , i think i will stay alone thanks ❤. Wayyyyyyyy too much water under the bridge for me
I spent DECADES in self imposed isolation. I was ostracized and bullied mercilessly as a kid- so as an adult, when people invited me along it felt like I was being set up, so I declined. It wasn't until my 30's that I finally started going out more in small groups or taking risks to put myself out into the world. But always just baby steps and not without a LOT of internal terror. I was still more inclined to say 'No' when invited somewhere into my 40's unless I was very comfortable with the person or people- but I was getting better about it and trusting people more. When the lockdowns hit in 2020, I isolated from friends completely because I was caring for my elderly parents and aunt and trying not to expose them to anything. Being mostly alone for nearly a year snapped something in me. It was TOO isolating, soul crushing, I NEEDED people and contact and couldn't have it. When the world finally opened up again, my personal world did too. I reconnected with the handful of friends I'd made before the lockdowns and started hanging out with them more. This lead to meeting more friends and more and more and MORE! I now have multiple friend groups and some that overlap, and there's hardly ever a week where I don't have some event or get together on the calendar, and usually my weeks are pretty full. My BFF who a lot of my life was my ONLY friend sometimes teases me about being so "Popular" and a "Social Queen". But it's not about just hanging with lots of people- they're all GOOD people who I know and trust and who accept me as I am. I have cut people out of my life who were not trust-worthy or safe- and again, doing that has opened me up to have more quality time with quality people. It's all still new and awesome and sometimes I cannot believe my life. But I'm going to turn 54 in two days and it's literally only been the past 3 years of my whole life where I've had this sense of security in groups/ crowds. Some of my newest friends will sometimes say "Why haven't we been hanging out like this for years?" And the honest truth is- I wouldn't have been ABLE to hang out like this years earlier. It took that much self-work and healing to get to where I'm at now.
Finding your channel has changed my outlook on life. I still find it so hard to go outside of my houses. It has made me a bad friend. Losing my best friend to cancer and feeling that I was selfish because I couldn’t bring myself to be by her side while she was dying. I miss her and I don’t want to be a bad friend anymore.
I actually see it as a blessing that you can remember her as she was in her prime, not how she was after her body was taken by the cancer. Life is not about how we begin nor how we end, it is about the lives we touched and the love we shared in between. Your friend is at peace. Grant yourself compassion for the past and finally live at peace with what you cannot change. 💜 I am taking care of my mother who has stage 4 cancer and have learned that regrets are inevitable. We are all fallible humans, it is impossible to be perfect all the time.
Yes feeling selfish can make us feel so guilty. But is it selfish, or frozen in fear/sadness sometimes? We all deserve all the compassion and hugs, especially when our intent is never to hurt another 💕🤗💕
Be careful that it won’t backfire. I have done that for 3 yrs since the pandemic and it’s so hard to come back to the world and heal from the isolation . What saved me was finding an art passion that let me busy and sane( fluid pour painting) . Being outdoors in nature is a healthy for the spirit, I know it but I don’t…
This is my partner. 100%. I used to take it very personally, but I have become way more compassionate, especially because I know where he is coming from. I wish I knew where his pain comes from. But I understand him, being around people was and is still often exhausting. Adult responsibilities forced me to quit avoidance, but when my social battery is to zero, I can’t help but shut down.
I am the queen of isolating. I even gave it a name about 20 years ago - the Kat Kave. That's where those who try to find me know where I'm at until further notice. It could go on for weeks or even months at a time. They'll hear from me when they hear from me. It's that simple. The more people call and text me the more annoyed I get. Some people just don't get it or respect my wishes. It's nothing personal against them. I just want to be left alone. I'm an INFJ/empath. That's how we are.
Yes but dont forget that to truly use you're most amazing gift your introverted intiution you still need external stimulation to watch people and synthezize all your theories. For an INFJ too much time alone is also a bad thing as we spend to much time in our thoughts ruminating. Not sure if you are a Star Wars fan but there is a great takeaway on this from one of the recent films. Luke goes into seclusion partly to protect the sacred Jedi texts partly because he to was probably triggerd . Yoda who had done the same thing visiits him in a dream and says sarcastically "Protecting these books important it was. Learned much did we ....hmmmph" meaning there was so much out there for him if he hadnt withdrawn.
This video brought me to tears because it’s exactly what I needed right now. I didn’t leave my house for 3 years except for work, could manage surface level interactions. I’m about 6 months into trying to get out there and be a participating human and i needed this video so badly. Thank you for making this video and helping me feel seen and understood
@IWillNOTbeShaken70x7 because a lot of these times I "had" to, I had to perform, speech, read, be interviewed etc. And sometimes it was a Christmas with my family, or a party I thought I couldn't escape from. I don't do the latter anymore and I also quit drinking 🎉
I have CPTSD and have had years of fatigue and pain that no one believed. Lost lots of connections. Finally diagnosed with multiple sclerosis and really mad that people didnt believe me. Between these 2 diagnosis I finally started the disability process, which was triggering! The questions felt interrogating and I cried.
I see a lot of myself in this, but the challenge has always been knowing what’s what. My mother practised really intense enmeshment, I didn’t really feel like a person until my adulthood (and I don’t always feel that way now), so wanting to “separate” from other people has always felt like a natural reaction to that.
I cannot tell you how much I am ugly crying right now within the first freaking 5 mins of this video because I have never felt so understood and hopeful in my whole life. 2020 wrecked me and I fully shut down and shut everyone out. And it is HELL trying to “reintegrate” into the person I used to be. I have felt trapped in purgatory for 4 straight years. Thank you. THANK YOU. I feel like your words are hugging me through the phone and I feel like I have a chance at actually LIVING life again for the first time in so goddamn long.
I can’t afford therapy right now. I’ve had to apply for social security because my life is an absolute wasteland of tv static and everything has become unmanageable. I feel so pathetic for having to do that, but I quite literally cannot function. And this ONE VIDEO…PLUS the free quiz and free daily practice thing on top of that??? You are a gift to this world. Thank you for making this type of information accessible. I cannot thank you enough.
That's totally okay! Being happy in isolation is all about knowing what suits you the best. If you find joy and fulfillment on your own, that's a valid and healthy choice. Everyone's path to happiness is unique!
nobody can replace the joy i find in my art, and it's something i do very proffessionaly and on my own. i couldn't imagine a world were i didn't have most of my time to myself, it would be hell.
I work in customer service and im just DONE with talking to customers. I want to be able to be more alone than i am, and still partake. But finding a job where I can limit my human contact is difficult. I want to work where i can have relationships with people i need to work with. Not just random people who come into the store and treat me like a punching bag. As someone who wants to believe in the general goodness of people - its exhausting being treated like crap and having to have a smile on my face while they do it.
I am a hairstylist and get deeper relationships with spending at least an hour with my clients. I care so much for them and lots care for me too. I consider them my friends although I know it’s an illusion, it’s just professional. As I am so burnt by being hurt with women friendships, my clients love fill up a void for now. Outside work I am isolating
I have three kids,a husband,a dog, I grew up with a narcissistic father and a covert narcissist mother. My nervous system is completely disregulated. I get overstimulated and overwhelmed very easily. I literally feel physically exhausted. I avoid people and to be honest, I don't need them. At least that's what I think. I have a few friends who I occasionally meet in a calm surroundings. I have also two workout "buddies" but that's that. I don't need anything more than that.
Why do people think having 745 friends is so rich? If a person is honest, having a handful of true friends is a blessing. Perhaps they are enough as you are enough. You are blessed with friends in different spheres.😊
@@loli3939 Yes,you are absolutely right. What's even better is that we don't feel the pressure of hanging out every day or every weekend and nobody gets mad or neglected.
Same, narcissistic parents are the worst. Being in my own safe place brings me so much happiness. Having peace and quiet when I want it, is everything to me and I wouldn't want it any other way.
I dont isolate from people. Often, others create toxic BS that i refuse to tolerate. I then address this verbally with them and that is when the gaslighting starts and denial of their toxic shenanigans create serious friction. Before, i would avoid addressing the toxicity, and now doing the right thing by addressing it leads to even more friction. So this is why isolating from toxic people is better.
I agree. I was part of an expat group in Manta, Equador where I was insulted several times and didn't respond because I would have exploded. One person told me it is because I'm an easy target who is too nice. I removed myself from the group. Inadequate boundaries are my issuse. I hate anger and confrontation causing self sacrifice. 17:11 t
@@garypike4996when you are too nice, people walk all over you, when you stand up to the disrespect you become the one who has issues and not sociable. Hard to find a balance…
I'm in denial but I know this is true. I'll come back to it. People terrify me and I'm not afraid to admit it. The ways they can do easily harm you and not care... My own mum...i can't right now
When our trauma happens in relationships, part of the healing journey must include new experiences of safety in connection. We are wired through evolution in favor of connection, our brain is a social organ- look into polyvagal theory neuroception and co- regulation, and how trauma impacts the amygdala, hippocamp, frontal lobe , and nervous system. This will help you seperate yourself from so many symptoms and behaviours. Psychoed is the best first step for trauma work, knowledge is power and helps activate sensing/ noticing brain . Start small and meet yourself where you are at. Work with and get curious about all of your trauma "parts" and connecting to yourself/embodied. If you can do therapy, I'd recommend internal family systems therapy/ parts work.
> Connecting with divine or HigherSelf is particularly helpful to survive those unavoidable lonely moments. When I feel utterly lonely I'll connect with HigherSelf and feel peace. I remind myself it's a phase for humanity. It might even take generations for us to fully get it and come together but we are already connected, in the non-physical. Keeping myself protected from harsh energies is key. Interacting with harsh energies makes it extra difficult to deal with life. To help myself in this department, I'm constantly working on my own perfectionsm. More I heal, less these harsh energies find interest in me. I also release myself from expectations and need for permission from others etc. This adds to the peace in solutide life. I still hope and work towards having a friend. Someone's company I can enjoy, someone I can give freely. If I meet such a friend, good. If not, well I tried and came a long way, this life wasn't wasted.
Lately I’ve been forcing myself to reach out more to people. I feel awful. This video has kind of made me realize I’m one of those people who does better alone. I used to have a life with lots of people in it and I was no better off. Where were they when I needed them? Nowhere to be found. I don’t really get dysregulated but just prefer to be alone. My trauma is from adulthood, not childhood, and I’m wondering if that makes a difference
i find myself dysregulated when pushing myself to go out with family members. i'll start feeling guilty, because "hat if they die", am i failing them, will i regret it, etc etc, but we are a very disfunctional family andour parents left me and my brother each with or own traumas (and we ourselves don't get along the best either, but even then i'll try and force myself to interact, because "what kind of sister am i otherwise", "it's what i should do) With people outside of my family, nah no dysregulation, i'll usually have a blast, but i'm honestly too lazy to go looking to meet more people. well, not really lazy, but i¿ll take an extra evening of practice on my watercolors, or an extra hour of cycling while watching a movie, than going through the motions of a watsapp group with people i don't know or care. and sometimes, those other people bring their own issues to the table, i've lost count of how many times i've ended up as the listener of someone's crisis, which, i'm happy to help but also, i deserve to have a good time when going out too and not just get reminded of trauma in this world all the time? call it selfish or wathever, but it's only very recently that i've come to realize that i can't be everyone's therapist, i deserve to enjoy and disconnect at times too. so even if you yourself don't dysregulate, the others may
I enjoy my own company so much that I don’t consider it as isolation. Being alone often helps me recharge emotionally and mentally. I often feel drained when I’m around people too much. I just have to take a break and be by myself for a while so I get myself again.
Isolating is real!! And it’s ruined relationships in my life for sure, coming from me, as well as from others. You don’t deserve to just shove shit down, even when you don’t know what to do with it all. You deserve to heal and be happy with yourself. Every small effort matters. Take time for yourself, but know that you are only human, and you still deserve love, peace, and understanding. You will find your people, if you haven’t already. Keep being brave, y’all! You may not feel it, but you are brave for facing every day. Keep going!!
What I would like to do is connect with other people working their way through this web. It feels like there would be more acceptance and opportunity for growth in that situation. Also more safety.
Glad you are here! If you're interested, you can consider joining our membership where we interact on our Facebook group and during online calls. Our members community is very supporting! Here's a link if you'd like to check it out: courses.crappychildhoodfairy.com/membership Nika@TeamFairy
I’ve done the whole “work your entire life” thing. I’ve been married twice. I’m at peace in my solitude now. I’ve done therapy for 20 years. I’ve built my own castle of refuge. I’ve had great successes in my life and proud that I’ve made it as far as I have. But I still have trouble with my upbringing it was a daily shitshow x 1000. I did the best I could have done with what I went through. I’m ok with being alone. It’s actually pretty great. I have a miniature dachshund and she’s pretty great. I am open to and that all things are possible but I’m pretty ok where I’m at. But of course I’m healing every day. I admire anyone who takes on addressing and uncovering the atrocities of just being born into an unwanted situation.
I have a pretty extreme version of this. I haven’t had a gf in over ten years. I haven’t hugged another person in over five years. I haven’t had a meaningful social interaction in over five years. My loneliness is extremely tough to deal with, but I often tell myself that this pain is controlled and better than pain I’ll get from an external source. That’s how I deal with it. However, it isn’t easy. It also doesn’t help that I’m not that attractive, so whenever I go out to get groceries or whatever, I always feel like people are staring at me weird and probably thinking about how weird I am. That’s why I try to plan my days to avoid large crowds. Even when I go somewhere people are inevitably going to be around, I try to go during hours when people are more avoidable. Sometimes I wish everyone would disappear and I was alone in the world; then I can go out freely without worrying about what people think. Sometimes I go out at like 3 in the morning when everyone else is asleep and walk around, and it feels so good.
So sorry your outside looks get the most of your confidence. I see some people not fitting with most standard ideas of beauty ( what you call ugly) but they are so charismatic that they attract people once they get over the 1 st second of judging they look. It might be that their confidence in themselves, their sense of humor or whatever just make up for not being a gorgeous model. I am a hairstylist so I find beauty in all of you and my job is to bring it up so you exult confidence in yourself and makes you happy. Why not wear a mask and sunglasses so you can regain your freedom to go out as you please and avoid stares from stupid people?
@@taniadangtran1359 working on other aspects of myself other than relying on just the superficial would probably be the best thing. I suppose I can try working on my charisma. You certainly look pretty.
@@privateinvestigator8607 i promise that among those others you feel stared by, there's someone like you. whenever you feel insecure outside, make a mental note of it, a reminder. you may feel sure that it's a "you" thing, but no, lots of people feel lonely, ugly, they are struggling, yet they have to smile while giving you your change, or they might feel forced to keep a happy appearance because what would others think otherwise.
It feels so good and refreshing to hear this, when there's a social media tendency to promote independance and spending time alone above socializing (including cancelling plans, promoting self-care etc). While I understand and while we need both, we do need each other, even more so in this super individualistic society.
I feel like those that champion being social and maintaining relationships that are mainly and usually transactional, have never experienced, or are terrified of experiencing the freedom that comes with isolation, solitude and cutting users, abusers, and creepy people out of your life. I am enjoying my solitude and isolation, and I am controlling what I allow people and society to do to me... WHY on earth would I want to end that?! You couldn't pay me enough money to end that!
i have to agree here....i've always found fascinating how those trying to force you to socialize in the way they deem mandatory always come across with some level of...angst maybe? i'm not sure what to call it, but it's as if something would come crashing down to them if, for example, they were phased with an irefutable truth somehow about another human being genuinly happy on their own. To some degree i do believe it's fear and sunk cost fallacy. and also, culture and societal norms, everyone parrots the "humans are social animals" bs and pushes introverts to be something they are not, rarely if ever it will be the other way around, when have you seen an extrovert actually be persistantly throughout years be told to socialize less, even if it's destroying them lol. that only happens if it comes along some other type of issue like substance abuse, so they also don't really know what it's like to be questioned and antagonized at every turn just for choosing to keep a certain boundary or personal space.
This is so relevant to me right now and I discovered you through your video on struggling to make decisions. In this decision limbo (going on for months now), I am isolating like it is an Olympic sport. Thank you for making me feel understood and motivated to get back on track with healing. We‘re taking control of our lives.
I have C-PTSD and work in retail. Every day around people is so hard for me, and on my bad days it's my absolute worst nightmare. I'm trying so hard to get out of it. It really *does* feel like I'm giving myself the best love and self care possible to isolate myself when something bad happens and I'm feeling too overwhelmed.
Hmmn honestly I thought everyone does this. My friendship group, we all do this. Whether we need to disappear for three days, three weeks or three months, we do check-ins of course but always just pick-up fine when whatever disregulation has passed. No it's not a competition. Our connections are good 🤷🏽♀️
@@stephanied9629isolation can be a spectrum, from someone who is agoraphobic and limits any and all human interactions to people who simply are introverted and keep interactions with others to a minimum or a surface level
I’m in that isolation phase right now. I’m at the 1 yr mark of going no contact with the narcissist. The first six months into it, I threw myself into my work to distract myself from feeling my feelings. After that I started isolation and I just crave the peace and quiet. I work in the Operating Room and a lot of surgeons are very emotionally immature and they have difficulty regulating themselves if they don’t get what they want immediately. They will start going off and I started getting so triggered. I would go back to my dad and mom going off on me as a kid. I start freezing and fawning and get really anxious. After an 8 or 10 hour shift I just want to get home to my quiet house. Then it carries over into the weekend. I canceled on going to the Christmas party at the home of our chief Vascular surgeon because I couldn’t face being around all those people from work, even though I like most of them. One Monday a couple weeks ago, after seeing a woman at Petsmart who looked just like the narcissist, I had to call out sick and take a mental health day because I just couldn’t deal with being around people. Then my cat went missing and I had to make myself go out and meet some neighbors while looking for him. I really have to force myself out of my comfort zone to go be around people. I’m feeling anxious because my catechism classes start in a few weeks. I’m looking forward to it but nervous about having that commitment to be around others at mass and the meetings for several hours on Sunday morning.
But i always found myself with the wrong people no real connection no shared values no shared intersts and vision and thise people never encouraged me to do things that make me better never inspired me so i isolated my self i ghosted most of them
In a healthy true community a stressed person would be quickly noticed and help would be generously GIVEN TO them. The disadvantaged person would receive care and kindness until they felt better. A traumatised person who lives in a faux community ( most of the modern world) is expected to somehow MAKE the effort to reconnect with others. This is why it is so hard and feels so unnatural. Because it IS unnatural. There is nothing wrong with needing to be passive as wounded ones. It is the world around us that has gone stark staring mad and forgotten how to reach out to distress signals.
I do prefer solitude, you describe it well. The trauma started as an infant childhood was one enormous trauma. It is such a comfort to be able to exist without my nervous system going haywire. Dealing with people is so painful I am in talks to be able to get medical assistance in dieing (that my country offers), once it becomes something I can’t exist with. Am I alone ?
You’re not alone. My country doesn’t offer euthanasia for people unless you have terminal cancer, so at this point I wish for that to happen to me. I can’t function at this point. Many days go by where I can’t care for myself, even getting up to go to the bathroom or drink water feels like moving mountains. I can’t be out in public without having meltdowns because I have no tolerance for people anymore. I’ve always been traumatized but it’s gone downhill very quickly the past few years. There’s no way I can continue to live unless the government will literally give me money to support myself so I don’t have to leave my house. Which they won’t do, they’d rather let me slowly rot alive on the streets than take care of me or offer euthanasia if they don’t want to take care of me. I just want to stop suffering and die with a little dignity, that’s the kindest way my story could end.
I was bullied and harassed so badly that I isolated myself so I wouldn't be hurt again. Which is what my bullies wanted. They didn't want me to be involved because of their racist beliefs. Well, they got what they wanted. I'm now isolated and away because I'm too afraid of being hurt again.
People are DRAINING. 8 hrs of work is almost too much for me and sometimes it is way to much. I Love my alone time. I'm not sad or disappointed when I'm by myself. I feel non stressed when I'm alone.
you are describing a natural human honestly. people forget to count in work as interaction already, and the way we function really leaves us with almost no social energy left, which even the most extroverted of extroverts has an infinite pool of.
It depends upon what you call “life.” Support is often what we most need from Self. Then there is the very real issue of feeling bored around most people.
It’s hard enough interacting with people at work. It takes all my energy just to deal with work responsibilities, drama and politics. I am drained by the end of the day. I relish my solitude because it’s peace and no bs. I love being alone. It’s not painful, it’s healing.
I'm physically feel better, less emotional and feel safer isolating. My social skills are very lacking and starts many conflicts. I've said my only home is what only happens on tv to find someone like Beauty and the Beast or Tarzan but that's probably impossible
Most people lack self awareness and accountability and much of the stress comes from the fact they can not fathom understanding someone who does…because this highlights what they lack within they often attack both directly or indirectly. As a lifelong introvert yes this does trigger a sense of being misunderstood but rather than a negative trauma response, isolation is an adaptation to preserve energy. Being able to discern who who is and is not worth entertain is a blessing many people will never experience
I don't like big parties, especially when I don't know most of the people there. It's too much. Years ago I just wandered around with a drink in my hand, hovering around conversations and waiting to be invited in. Now I do the same but with a plate of food.
Oh my word, parties are very challenging. I commend you for trying. This is what has happened in my past party experiences. But it can actually happen at any time and place. I can get talking with someone, one on one, and it's friendly enough, and we may even be discussing a particular topic, I believe I am a good listener too so it's not just me talking, then this thing happens, every time! A new person will join in, maybe they have a more dynamic personality, I don't know, but the person I was talking with starts talking with that new person, and it's Like, puff! I no longer exist! They don't look at me or include me, there's not a moment where I can insert myself back into the conversation, and I don't want to be rude, though they are the ones being rude, it just gets all very awkward for me and I'm left standing there, ignored like I'm invisible. And I just walk away from them talking. It's the worst! It stings, it hurts, and I have often gone to the bathroom and teared up. It's like wtf! I then get it together take a deep breath and go back out to the party, or whatever social setting it is, I do a smile here and there, try and engage and fake show I'm having a good time, but in my head I am planning my moment to thank the host and make an exit. And when I exit, I cry in my car or when I get home. I haven't been to a party in a long time, they're just too much for me.
@@Iloveflowers2024I know exactly what you are talking about, what is it with people seriously? Some attention seeker narcissists? I stopped going to parties, the few times I do it’s so stressful and disappointed and makes me feel worthless. I can do better one on one or a maximum of 3 to 4 people, it’s more genuine conversations but also depends on who it’s with. Parties are just so superficial in conversations, not worth the stress anyway.
I don’t like being in relationships. They trigger me. Being by myself has been great. Being friendless has been fine too. I have trauma from relationships, friendships, and family members. I feel great in isolation.
I planned a community event to talk about what we need most. I don't like public speaking or presenting, but I did it because our community needs a voice. I had a splitting headache after facilitating but, I did it. we also got great feedback and workshop participation. STEP OUT OF ISOLATION, ITS 2024.
Why are you coming for me like this?! Lol, I needed to hear this from someone else. I tell myself this everyday, but my trauma responses always wins. Hearing this from another source makes it a lot more real.
2:31 I'm a 100% an introvert, people are absolutely exhausting and I can't shop for more than 3 hours bc I'll get overstimulated and dizzy. Peferring solitude is completely different from isolation. Isolation is horrendous and I had struggled terribly during college when I was living with roomates. Long story short, the shame and my chronic depression destroyed my sense of wellbeing and the isolation got so bad it kept me hungry in my room bc I couldn't bear to leave my room to eat until I know everyone is out of the house or sleeping. Don't mistake solitude for isolation, it downplays the brutality that is isolation.
This video was a wake up call. I finally understand why I am so introverted and closed off from others. I realize that is just the first step. Now I have to change my behavior.
This I what I do shut people out ,I don’t like to be around my family I always ,get trigged and snap at family and just loose it ,but I just feel better for it ,shutting my self of from the world
I can't really describe, how thankful am I, that you popped up again on TH-cam. I subscribed to your channel once, but never felt I could follow you, because I couldn't really understand, what you were talking about. Or I was not ready to be involved and change. And here I am! 3-4days after watching several videos of yours, I feel more relieved and less stressed, because I see, there's a way to Heal and downsize those feelings, like anxiety, anger and fear that your several traumas have caused, and it's such a great thing to feel that you are not alone, even though I feel so sorry about everyone who went through a really crappy childhood. Thank you ❤
Nobody is supportive. People only care about themselves, or give any thought about anyone else, or dump all their crap on those of us willing to be supportive of them. They also will show a kind, friendly face to everyone else but feel they can show you their ugliness.
Being a near total shut-in for almost 4 years, this makes so much sense that it almost hurts.... 💔 I truly appreciate your giving me a deeper insight as to why I've done this, and how to move forward!! Thank you so much, Anna! ❤
I'm an introvert, but even so more and more I desire to be alone. To the point where (if it's outside of work teaching little kids), I more and more enjoy being by myself. I enjoy solitude and do like people. I don't hate people, I just need them in small doses. I just feel so DRAINED and like I'm spazzing after being around them for too long I literally feel like I need to go into a room and curl up and recharge. 😢😅 Sometimes I enjoy being alone so much, I wonder if something is wrong with me.
nah, you describe just a normal human being. nobody has the energy for 16 hours of human interaction daily, and your work, be it teaching or something else, already coutns as interacting. you discount your daily eight from that, add the fact that you are introverted, and that we already have lower energy at the evening after work, and yeah, no wonder we feel good with ourselves instead of pretending we have the energy for even more interaction
I’m from Australia, Anna I think you are amazing. It’s like you are talking to only me, you really do understand and get it.I have tried different therapist and no success. You have helped me so much. Honestly you really are an angel. Got a long way to go, but at least I’m on the right path.🤞Thank you❤
I have loved being by myself since I was small. I honestly detest it when people question me and tell me to get out more. Going out with people makes me what to cry. Making small talk gives me anxiety. So yes leave me the f alone I like it.
I think my issue is not wanting to spend money and not feeling confident enough or accomplished enough to feel adequate amongst my peers. Gets me every time.
I met a really nice woman and wished we could be friends. She constantly kept bring up her best friend. Most women who have a best friend are not open to get another friend. That was kinda of painful and I felt rejected and being invisible to her.
I just like the quiet and being present in the moment that comes with being alone. You can be much more present and at peace when the world is shutoff and you are connecting with its rhythms. The worlds a mess & greed has ruined most of it.
I only push away people who once treated me badly. It is almost every person I met. I isolate not because I find people triggering. I isolate so I stay normal and not hurt from people who simply don't know what a good communication is. I live in Russia so I don't have an acsess to your materials and website. It seems everyone here in Russia is traumatized and almost nobody is that much in the healing process like I am. Even psyhologist here can cause more harm than good. I don't know what to do with it. I can't make other people around me start healing, but dealing with most of them just how they are is impossible and harmful to me now. I would like to hear your advise, Anna! Thank you.
I make my life fuller and find happiness in painting , a new hobby developed during the pandemic,it’s called “ fluid pour painting “ and I hope you can check it out ( i learned it from TH-cam podcasts) . That and also daily yoga practice save me to keep a sane spirit and not crave social interaction. I should do more nature walks to find even more balance which is very healing. All of this activities help me to find substitutes from giving up on having fake friends and so far it’s been working. Turning my mind to see how creative I can be in next art projects is so healing, I hope my story can inspire you. I can imagine how your country people are so hurt from the war, so sorry about the situation…Good luck and all my best to you!
Never met an open honest healthy understanding person that helped to heal my relationship wound. Truth is, most people are out for themselves, they don't care about your problems. Other people is just a reminder of my trauma, it's better without people.
I like to distinguish 'being alone' from the experience of 'loneliness'. The former is sometimes helpful for a while but lonliness is, in my experience, never pleasant.
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Hi. I am so blessed by your videos. I was saved from marrying a man not so good for me. I did not know it was a limerence.
Can you please make a video on how trauma affects studying, learning and concentration.
I want to go after my dreams , but it requires studying for atleast 8 hrs a day. Can you please help out
Yup... been doing this for literally 8 years since my wife passed and I've seriously wounded myself with loneliness in that time. Now I no longer know how to feel safe and trust people who I know, intellectually are safe and understanding. I still am able to work, but I've had almost no emotional connection to the many good and well intentioned people around me. I'm working on it now, but it makes me sad.
I've now such a backlog of powerful fears and emotions that I don't know how to connect or get to a place where I feel safe without trauma dumping and letting the person I'm speaking to know how profoundly confused and scared I am in almost every aspect of ideological, personal or spiritual belief. I realize that this puts an unfair weight on those that I care about and an unfair expectation for them to bare, and since I can't seem to self-censor as these fears and confusion are the crux of my worldview, or the result of me trying to understand and interpret an increasingly confusing, complex and dark external world (when viewing the outside world in aggregate), I must therefor continue to bare this weight alone.
where shall I go when I have no motivation or will or interest to do anything else...
I don’t remember much about my childhood before 6 yrs old.
Listening makes me anxious, like I’m afraid to know
When COVID happened and everyone lost their minds over isolation, I was like, “Are yous serious? This is a gift from above.”
I agree. I am an introvert loner and I've been this way my entire life. I'm a very creative person and find being with myself more entertaining than being around others. I love learning about myself, being there for myself and I know I will never betray or let myself down. I'm also autistic and so the stimuli of being around people in general is simply not enjoyable to me. I love select people time, once in a while. So I have a few close friends and will connect with them when I have the emotional and mental energy. They understand this and get it. Otherwise I will become aggressive, bitchy and simply am not good company to be arond. It took me 37 years to realize that I simply am not happy around people in general and it manifests in hostility towards strangers like coworkers. I'm that person that's there to work, be left the fuck alone and go home. Sadly society does not accept this type of personality so I've had to isolate myself for my own mental health reasons. I do believe most people who ONLY have CPTSD and are not fully introverts by nature probably should not enjoy or gravitate towards wanting to spend more time alone than with others. But for introverts, it can really help you work through your thoughts and emotions.
100% first covid lockdown was heaven LOL
Feel ya😊
Same here. I also found it so deeply restful to have my inner situation mirrored in the world. My childhood was basically an outer shell of pretend things are fine while on the inside I was living in an emergency situation. Having an emergency happening visibly, in the outside world, that everyone was aware of really helped me reset.
I pray for another lockdown it was so peaceful .
I don't like being around people when I feel dysregulated. I feel I can't act normal, and I don't want people to see me like that. : (
Same
Me too, and I don’t like when people keep asking what’s wrong or trying to fix things
Yuck…same here
@@badboygoodgirl yes. Why do they always assume something is wrong?
Same. I wish it would be socially accepted to cry in public or just to not look "normal" all the time. It would be less tiring to be in society.
It's heavy to genuinely connect with people while constantly wondering if they're trying to manipulate and control me, hurt me, if I'm being toxic, if they truly don't actually want to associate with me, if I can trust myself to enforce boundaries, if my emotions are a burden to them...It's a huge task.
You are in the right place. Hope Anna's content will help you heal!
Nika@TeamFairy
Self-trust is the hard one for me❤
Wow thank you for putting words into feelings I can relate too tremendously.. thank you for sharing, for being where you are and holding yourself with compassion as we navigate the dark in hopes of finding light and hope for a breath of new life. 💓
❤❤❤
this is what my days feel like, too. you are not alone.
I have never felt lonely by myself. I only ever felt alone when I wasn’t alone. I’ll take solitude over fake, toxic, and drama any day.
So true
absolutely
I was seening bullsh*t in people all around me since childhood. Don't want to deal with "normal people" BS.
🎯🎯🎯
Yea I didn’t actually get anything useful from this video, it ended with me feeling worse about myself. Guess that’s the first step or whatever.
I had a very intelligent friend tell me once: "I can't imagine how hard things are for you, because you're essentially an extrovert living as an introvert." in other words, i think he meant "you need healthy connections in your life and you aren't getting them."
During my working years, I always felt as my intervert self, but being forced to be an extrovert at work. Very very unsettling.
I’m that, extrovert living introvert life!
I feel that
I once seriously thought I was an introvert. Now I understand I had untreated trauma and social anxiety and now I am extravert
I always tested nearly 100% introvert on personality tests. Then I heard someone say if you're really extreme on a test like that it means there's childhood trauma. That one comment made me reconsider almost everything I knew. Your friend's comment is such an amazingly compassionate observation.
Being around people doesn’t trigger me. Being around people who drain me, have used me, or that have broken my trust is draining. I prefer peace from people who constantly attract drama.
absolutely! sadly, i feel it’s becoming more and more difficult to find others who enjoy peaceful connections and are aware of/practice healthy boundaries.
Yessss, I just want to be comfortable
To be honest I’d rather be alone and feel safe, than continue to be around people and having my stress level increased. I don’t think anything’s wrong with that.
True
Exactly 👍
Hear hear!
Same
It’s not even stress most people are unaware and luck accountability so they look to others as fuel. Even if isolation is a form of stress management that doesn’t make it a negative.
My trauma talking is like: I'd rather be alone
i still see it as my safe place
Truly feel for you . I am exactly the same way.
@@gracietilert8952 we are not alone either we prefer to be. Seems like there's a lot of us, feeling the exact same way.
@@HumanABC I feel that. Same here
❤
For me, it’s not just childhood trauma. But also lifelong trauma, still continuing now in my early 50s. Along with lifetime trauma, I also was born with a severe facial birth defect which affects the whole right side of my face and my front teeth. I’ve been stared at, pointed and whispered about, laughed at, treated much different than “normal” people, bullied - yes even now, mean girls/people never grow out of it, and I just can’t continue going through that everyday of my life. I live a solitary life with my many rescue animals and I work a solitary night shift job as a Pediatric home health nurse.
I do crave connection but I have learned it comes at such a cost to me, and 99% of people aren’t truly safe. So I continue to have a life with my rescue animals and just deal with the isolation.
I would give you a hug if I could. Dostoevsky said beauty will save the world. I suspect that your soul is extremely beautiful, full of resilience and compassion for other people in pain. I always feel joy, awe and respect when I encounter people with disabilities. It never made sense to me why we would discount people who are marginalized, neurodivergent, or physically limited, when they are so much stronger than me in their ability to endure hardship, pain, and injustice. Your heart is what matters, not your face; all our faces will rot in the grave, and when others look upon our skulls, they will not discern who was beautiful or who was ugly, who was fat, who was skinny, etc. Death visits us all equally and without prejudice, and I hope our hearts become pure before that time comes. I hope kind and compassionate people come into your life. ❤
@@lostandfoundsheep thank you for your kind words.
I am very sorry that you had to go through what you have. You did not deserve it. People can be terrible. Rescue animals are the best. My situation is not exactly like yours, but I know where you've been because I've been through similar. I know you don't know me, but I'm not in the 99%. If you are willing to reach out, I am. If not, that's okay too. I send you blessings and thank you for being brave enough to share your story. As @lostandfoundsheep said, I would give you a hug if I could. It's the very least you deserve.
Same and I'm a Stephanie too. (((HUGS)))
I attend online ACA and CoDA meetings. It's a very non-threatening way to be in connection w ppl w similar backgrounds but still keep your own boundaries. Your camera does not have to be on. You do have to sift through to find a group that feels like a good fit, but it takes the focus off of thinking there is something wrong w us--- because there isn't. Wishing all of us deep healing.
I’m the guy who goes to a party and plays with the dog rather than meet people
Oh for sure. Dogs are so just more fun than your average person 😅
Oh for sure. Dogs are also just more fun than your average person 😅
Been to many bad parties too
You'd be the guy I'd walk up to and strike up a convo with just because of that.
I'm that girl!
No way. The peaceful enjoyment of not needing to be around many people is wonderful. I never want to go back.
Yep. People are germs. Not going back.
Well maybe use a tiny bit of logic and realize this video isnt directed at you? Like the world doesnt revolve around you. You know that right?
@@mherrjrelax mherejj, no need to come at an internet stranger so strongly. they were simply sharing their own opinion. doing so doesn’t make a person lack in logical thinking, nor does it mean they believe the world revolves around them. it’s okay mherjj, it’s going to be okay.
💯
@@mherrjjumped on here to be rude? Odd. How about this isn’t about you and why do you feel like you’re the moderator of this comment section? Maybe use your phone to call a therapist.
Most of my working life was dealing with the public. I've just reached the point where I find people are generally annoying and I'm fed up with all the hypocrites, users, backstabbers, and narcissists (especially narcissists in today's age) and many of the so-called "friends". Those trustworthy and close to me are now all gone and it's just a matter of when it's my turn. Sorry, Anna, I appreciate the advice, but that's just the way it is for me.
Bingo!!!
@@Knight1118-gk7ok same ❤️
Very negative
Just pray
I'm right there with you. Sick of people. Their shit. Lies manipulation. Rather be alone
@@Knight1118-gk7ok couldn’t have said it better myself
I can see isolation as a stress release instantaneously!
Ha! Just knowing I will have the time to get in some good isolation time can literally make my day!
I spend more than half of my day alone working on the yard or my projects, and leave the property maybe once a week. Less if I can swing it.
That said, I actually joined a local rockhounding group, and shockingly approached another member about riding together and splitting gas to our next field trip. Looking forward to Saturday!
@@ironlady6897 company is good but only if it’s good company! I spent most of my days in isolation. Even at work I’m separated. I can take people for about 5 minutes before I’m drained. Some people i can be around a lot longer but only if they are optimistic. I live in the northeast where most people are naturally bitter and suspicious minded. Rock hounding sounds fun! Enjoy!
I love isolating. It's other people around me that seem to have a problem with it.
@@jaydub7386 they get mad cause you don’t want to play their games so they try to guilt you out in public for a mockery. Isolation isn’t good for long but if they want to shame you for not participating in stupidity then isolation is good 👍
@@jaydub7386i agree! since a young child my family always said (in a mocking tone) “oh, so and so is always in their own world, they exist in their own world” as if it was a bad thing.
as an adult, this has been a constant problem everywhere i go, usually coming from people with narcissistic and controlling tendencies. believe it or not, also from people who have gone out of their way to express their dislike for me. if you don’t like a person, why would you care if they choose to live their lives far away from you? i’d be celebrating that if anything!! 😂
"You're meant to be a part of this world" the biggest words I've heard in my life, I think.
I think it's just how it sounds. *You don't need people that feed off of your soul and use you*. There is a difference. I have my faith in God, that helps me to put out feelers to see where the positive connections are. Some connections are nurturing and fill you. Some are like vampires it's about knowing the difference. I find that family are mostly the problem. It's so true about finding your true family. 🤗
Pets are a great way to connect, and they are amazing company. Plus they get you out for daily walks. You can small talk with other people you meet on your walk.
Yes I can’t agree with you more!
Pets are a luxury some people can’t afford anymore, which is sad
I very much relate to this. Another painful part of this feeling is that when I do hang out with folks (at the gym other athletic pursuits) is when I say something stupid (or it seems stupid to me) I beat myself up for days. Its exhausting.
Everyone says stupid things sometimes. Self compassion is key. Plus it gets easier, cause we learn from our mistakes.
@@TruthFelt Yes especially at the gym when all your blood is working your muscles 😊 There's a saying I learned at work...People forget what you say but will never forget how you made them feel ... it was supposed to help you to remember to be kind to customers but now it reminds me my exact words don't matter as long as I'm being genuine kind and respectful ❤
❤️😊🙏🌺🌺
Beat myself up for days? For decades in my case.
I’m never in the moment.
I don’t hate people. People are really cool to me. I just prefer to be alone and have my circle real small. I get absolutely nothing from interacting with people. I feel like they get more out of in the encounter than I do.
People are really draining to me. And I feel SUCH relief when I’m alone in silence. Like I can finally breathe.
if you have a circle you are not isolated
i'm the same way. i just find people very draining and i need to recover from social stuff and it takes about double the time the social stuff took. i have a very small circle of trusted friends and i prefer it that way. and i feel if you've rewired your brain via childhood trauma to be triggered by people and to prefer isolation, then maybe that's just the way you like to live your life. and maybe that's perfectly fine. no need to change unless you want to. but i feel like cptsd people (lilke me) have tried to socialise before and found it not worth it.
I feel the same way
ooof, yes, this. i feel like i have to put in so much energy, and even sometimes leave in a worse mental and emotional state than i was in before, depending on the person i'm with, while they walk away happy, which, great, but also, i can't engage like that so often, or i'm literally performing self harm or some form of torture that i need three days to recover from.
And it really never gets better unless the person you are with is more chill and sensitive, it really isn't you that's the issue, but if you are calm, introverted etc, some people will also start almost diagnosing you on the spot or pretending they are a guru giving self care advice lol. and you get dragged by some who bring you a lot of stress, it's very easy to even start questioning yourself, forgetting to enforce boundaries, they may even get some "life advice" thrown into your face without you even asking if they don't see you as thrilled as they are, and it's exhausting, its not really in hopes of any benefit to you either, it's more of a "hey you are failing at giving me the energy i demand, what's up with that" deal.
then, returning home feels llike a blessing, you can now FINALLY relax, but what was that time outside meant to be then? and that's the issue. you just literally wasted an afternoon torturing yourself for absolutely zero benefit to yourself, there's no other way around it.
For those more introverted out there, don't let anyone get into your head about how you are suppossed to be interacting more or else you are failing yadda yadda. no. do what doesn't feel draining to you. go out with the right people, or just stay doing what you love on your own. some people seem chronically allergic to the idea that someone may be happy on their own, they'll try and make you question yourself at each corner. and often times, you end up finding out how those surrounded by people are pretty sad folk once the curtains are down.
At the end of the day, people come and go, they can be great sure, but the only fact about this life is that you are with yourself till you are no more.
@@magical571 well said!
When you are taught not to trust strangers and you can't trust your family or yourself, whom do you trust?
How do you let people in, when your walls were erected to protect you? In your birth family, you must be on total guard.
And you can't tell strangers, friends, family members what's really going on in your life, without betraying the family.
So, you shut down and isolate.
Isolation, for me, has always been the only time in my life when I felt safe.
God
Thank you for this. I relate.
This!
Yes I feel exactly the same.
Very timely, I've become an expert isolator. Went to my first social event in 5 years this weekend. The hardest part is definitely committing to go, but then so many triggers, drunk folks with no boundaries, loud noises, multiple conversations at once, trying to eat food to be polite when you wanna puke. But on the other hand, found some amazing support I never saw coming and was truly seen by people who are good and care. Still so hard to get out there...
So happy to know that in the end you felt supported. Hope you go out again soon!
Keep going, pick the gatherings you’d like.. quiet, with maybe no foods, book clubs, chess clubs, etc etc
I was so relieved and at peace during the pandemic to be isolated . I still can’t push myself to resume being at gatherings. Everything attempts to be closed to women backfires. Now I can only handle one on one interaction and with men only, feeling safer.
@@taniadangtran1359 As much as the pandemic was terrifying, it was also a nice comfy blanket for getting out of social obligations. I sometimes wish it was happen again to take away the social pressures. But I know that's not living. We are meant to be social creatures in community. They are many kind and interesting folks out there to meet when we put ourselves out there. Seems most of the monsters are just in my head. If still isolating, every small step helps. Trips to the post office, corner store, garden center. Through familiar and safe encounters, we can start rebuilding confidence in the world again and allowing interesting folks in, even if it's just to share a "good day" sentiment. It's a hard battle of wills to be sure, but the voice that's trying to keep us safe and isolated, is wrong.
I think there is a period in life where you just constantly meet people who are shitty so you need to go hide...I really wanna break out of isolation but seems to me that time hasn't just fully come yet
This period happens usually from the ages of......... Birth to death.
@florentinaguggenheimer6557 😂😢 sorry you feel that way. I think that is also true for some...
I feel the same, only that period for me it's like the last 25 years.
Always shitty people that I'd rather hang out with my cats.
I very much relate. Keep going and I hope you can find that inner strength soon. You are enough as you are, and you deserve to feel good and have growth in your life.
I’ve been trying to celebrate the small things that help me and make me happy in life more, but it’s been scary even opening up to what makes me happy, let alone other people. Yikes.
This life is wild, and I wish you luck! I’m sorry people have been awful to you, please know you deserve care and compassion. From yourself and others!
I made it to church two weeks in a row. Exhausting. The people are nice. Everything is fine there. But it's me. I haven't done it in so long. I used to sing solos, be the worship leader, give talks, be on committees. Then everything in my life fell apart, and after that I spent seven years caring for my ill mother. She died in April of 2023, and I'm trying to heal from all that trauma and exhaustion. Being around people is very hard, but I know I can't keep isolating. So, let's see if I can maybe make it to one of the church's midweek activities AND the service next Sunday too. This is how friendships and a support network will form. I'm scared, tired, resistant, but I know it's what I need. Thanks, Anna. Your videos, zoom calls and articles help me a lot. ♥
Be patient with yourself. My mom passed in February 2013 and tbh the first couple of years were a bit of a write off and i didnt start feeling myself again for a couple of years.
Blessings be upon you ✨✝️✨🙏✨🕊️✨
Thank you for sharing. We're all rooting for you!
Nika@TeamFairy
@@johngallagher72 Thanks. I'm glad you're doing better now.
@@patriciakubitz1379 🙏
I hate the word trigger because of how it’s used all the time, so my therapist came up with emotionally charged. You’re welcome to use it if you want.
Yes, that's a much better term, thanks!
I will, thank you. And I feel the same, it's exhausting.
@@TruthFelt welcome 🤗
@@JuliaNoemiCamacho-sk2lk welcome. Glad you like it.
@@triplejmom7826 :)
Realizing I had an ingrained believe that I deserved to be abused, and reframing a new better, truthful belief, has shifted how people treat me.
I think this resonates with me. People can subtly pick up cues about us, and we embody our beliefs. I'm hoping to reframe the same belief too one day ❤
@@medicscout3509 I believe you will. Best of luck to you! ❤️🙏👍
At 81, I've given up, but I encourage anyone on this site to keep trying.
I hope you have a pet ❤😊
Almost 70 & I do understand.
This is why I loved being a caregiver for 2 years, I am 60. I loved making a difference in lonely elder’ life. I get burnt being hurt by “friends” but having a giving heart I feel like I have love to offer to others, especially the isolated. By giving it actually fulfill me.
Im 69, im scared everytime Im with family, so relieved when they leave because i feel like i dont fit in
My cat died in January.
Definitely took myself out of the circle of life. Would have loved a family and some friends. But, I managed to be completely alone.
It’s far too easy to do and you only really realise that bit too late. I feel for you. You’re not alone in your aloneness
Me too 😢
It's all about boundaries. My family of origin still has none, so I didn't learn about them. I still find myself in one-way relationships where the other person's needs are to be honored, but my needs, not so much. I am so very careful to be respectful, but it is exhausting. Isolation can be a huge relief, both short- and long-term. I am learning to meet my own needs whenever possible. I take responsibility for putting myself in those situations, personally and professionally. That's the beginning.
Same
I am learning this now too.
Same, same, same
It's not that I'm afraid of people, or hate them. I'm afraid of and hate the overwhelming feelings that get triggered when I'm with them.
I make friendly acquaintances easily. People that will go out and dance or drink with me. But when it comes to making reliable friends that I could ask for support to take me to the airport or bring me soup when I'm sick doesn't exist. I don't find people that engage with me beyond a surface level, so I don't bother making relationships with people that aren't surface level.
I find it so hard to move from acquaintances to closer friendships.... I get you!
Exactly, very well said and so true in my life too!
I get you! Totally know this feeling. I reach out and give of myself, then when I need/want, they are so busy, and so I let it dry up and count that as another failed attempt. When I open up, only to have corrections and orders to do me differently, It’s hurts!
So I isolate and get BIG hobbies to do on my own. Only to wish I could share with someone.
@@shag1hsb64 Yep. This is why I don't do favors or anything for people anymore unless I genuinely want to. I've RARELY had anyone reciprocate anything when I'm in need. Giving people the opportunity to show up and when they just continuously let you down gets old. And it'll often be small "asks" and they still can't or won't do it. But I've gotten so comfortable being alone, I'm fine now. Only thing that sucks if I ever have an actual emergency I don't have anyone. No one to stay with, no one to borrow money from, no one to help in any regard.
So true and fewer and fewer people connect..
As someone with CPTSD, and aware of how to heal it thanks to Anna, I still isolate and honestly love being alone. I was diagnosed with cancer a few years ago and I still haven't regained my physical strength in full. I find most people absolutely exhausting ... the small talk, nonsense, pettiness, narcissistic behavior, self-centeredness. I literally get tired being around it. Being alone is so much more peaceful. I know human connection is necessary, but if it's not with emotionally balanced, sane people, is it worth it? Harder to find those types.
Well put. My experience exactly.
I wish you to heal from your cancer. I agree with all what you said. Is friendship a myth in our modern world where everyone seem dysfunctional, and self centered? I actually find lots of people here with good heart that I wish I could meet and be friends here… I am sure online community is not replacing our needs for human connection but maybe it’s better than nothing at all? I wish Anna could give us her take on that.
Yes, exactly this.
Well said 👍Wishing you continue to recover xxx
When you're single staying home om a Saturday night and isolating all weekend is easy. The real challange is showing up and doing stuff you want to do and doing it by yourself. Challange accepted and ticket purchased to see Jim Jeffries and Jimmy Carr in September. Ive actually done a few solo vacations and noticed more often than not people tend to wish they were you putting yourself out there enjoying your own adventure.
That's wonderful, and I agree about solo vacations. Thanks for the tip about the concerts; you just inspired me to do that this fall.
I do t go on vacations because I don’t want to go alone. Great for you to have the courage to do so
@@taniadangtran1359 try it even for a day in the city you live in ...take yourself out on a solo date and pretend you are a tourist ...or even go to a movie by yourself ...it took me to about 45 years to learn that if i wait for people to come with me to do the things i want to do i will never do them.
I love solo trips done it for years and had the time of my life all over the world, but some trips I've postponed or just plain not bothered to plan because of wanting a buddy or crew to go with.
You say what you want about isolation. I prefer it to dealing with other people's refusal to deal with their sh**. There's no reciprocity in these relationships and it literally takes a toll on my body. So yes, I avoid those who wear their trauma as a badge and think it fine to crap on others. The art of conversation has evolved into listing all your ailments and trauma from decades ago instead being in and enjoying the present. I find a small number of folks and interact with them. But the idea of having to accept and deal with everyone is FALSE
Boundaries and sanctuaries are important.
This! All of this! Ding ding ding! Well said.
I rarely come across a video like this. It's a breath of fresh air. My reasoning for isolating was a healthy choice at first, but has now become a nightmare I can't escape. I have tried reconnecting several years ago, but with little success. My complex trauma response is a monster too big for me. Thank you for putting out a video like this. It's incredibly validating. For those who are able to take these words and change their circumstance, my heart is with you on this frightening journey. For my fellow sufferers who feel trapped in this prison, my love is with you. I love you
Just listening to this has give me a stress lump in my throat and my anxiey is ravaging my brain , i think i will stay alone thanks ❤. Wayyyyyyyy too much water under the bridge for me
I spent DECADES in self imposed isolation. I was ostracized and bullied mercilessly as a kid- so as an adult, when people invited me along it felt like I was being set up, so I declined. It wasn't until my 30's that I finally started going out more in small groups or taking risks to put myself out into the world. But always just baby steps and not without a LOT of internal terror. I was still more inclined to say 'No' when invited somewhere into my 40's unless I was very comfortable with the person or people- but I was getting better about it and trusting people more. When the lockdowns hit in 2020, I isolated from friends completely because I was caring for my elderly parents and aunt and trying not to expose them to anything. Being mostly alone for nearly a year snapped something in me. It was TOO isolating, soul crushing, I NEEDED people and contact and couldn't have it. When the world finally opened up again, my personal world did too. I reconnected with the handful of friends I'd made before the lockdowns and started hanging out with them more. This lead to meeting more friends and more and more and MORE! I now have multiple friend groups and some that overlap, and there's hardly ever a week where I don't have some event or get together on the calendar, and usually my weeks are pretty full. My BFF who a lot of my life was my ONLY friend sometimes teases me about being so "Popular" and a "Social Queen". But it's not about just hanging with lots of people- they're all GOOD people who I know and trust and who accept me as I am. I have cut people out of my life who were not trust-worthy or safe- and again, doing that has opened me up to have more quality time with quality people. It's all still new and awesome and sometimes I cannot believe my life. But I'm going to turn 54 in two days and it's literally only been the past 3 years of my whole life where I've had this sense of security in groups/ crowds.
Some of my newest friends will sometimes say "Why haven't we been hanging out like this for years?" And the honest truth is- I wouldn't have been ABLE to hang out like this years earlier. It took that much self-work and healing to get to where I'm at now.
Thank you for sharing. Healing takes time but it's worth it and I'm glad you're doing it! Good job!
Nika@TeamFairy
Wow, your story is amazing, good for you!
Finding your channel has changed my outlook on life. I still find it so hard to go outside of my houses. It has made me a bad friend. Losing my best friend to cancer and feeling that I was selfish because I couldn’t bring myself to be by her side while she was dying. I miss her and I don’t want to be a bad friend anymore.
I actually see it as a blessing that you can remember her as she was in her prime, not how she was after her body was taken by the cancer. Life is not about how we begin nor how we end, it is about the lives we touched and the love we shared in between.
Your friend is at peace. Grant yourself compassion for the past and finally live at peace with what you cannot change. 💜
I am taking care of my mother who has stage 4 cancer and have learned that regrets are inevitable. We are all fallible humans, it is impossible to be perfect all the time.
Sorry for your loss. We're all rooting for you.
Nika@TeamFairy
Yes feeling selfish can make us feel so guilty. But is it selfish, or frozen in fear/sadness sometimes? We all deserve all the compassion and hugs, especially when our intent is never to hurt another 💕🤗💕
Thank you for providing this video. I have spent my entire summer isolating and overworking
Start small to get back on track ...go to a movie ...go to dinner ...take yourself out on a solo date. 👍
Be careful that it won’t backfire. I have done that for 3 yrs since the pandemic and it’s so hard to come back to the world and heal from the isolation . What saved me was finding an art passion that let me busy and sane( fluid pour painting) . Being outdoors in nature is a healthy for the spirit, I know it but I don’t…
This is my partner. 100%. I used to take it very personally, but I have become way more compassionate, especially because I know where he is coming from. I wish I knew where his pain comes from. But I understand him, being around people was and is still often exhausting. Adult responsibilities forced me to quit avoidance, but when my social battery is to zero, I can’t help but shut down.
I am the queen of isolating. I even gave it a name about 20 years ago - the Kat Kave. That's where those who try to find me know where I'm at until further notice. It could go on for weeks or even months at a time. They'll hear from me when they hear from me. It's that simple. The more people call and text me the more annoyed I get. Some people just don't get it or respect my wishes. It's nothing personal against them. I just want to be left alone. I'm an INFJ/empath. That's how we are.
Yes but dont forget that to truly use you're most amazing gift your introverted intiution you still need external stimulation to watch people and synthezize all your theories. For an INFJ too much time alone is also a bad thing as we spend to much time in our thoughts ruminating. Not sure if you are a Star Wars fan but there is a great takeaway on this from one of the recent films. Luke goes into seclusion partly to protect the sacred Jedi texts partly because he to was probably triggerd . Yoda who had done the same thing visiits him in a dream and says sarcastically "Protecting these books important it was. Learned much did we ....hmmmph" meaning there was so much out there for him if he hadnt withdrawn.
Thank you for you heartfelt, brave and generous comments. You're helping me. Thanks always to CCF/Anna❤
INFJ here too.
Same here
Resonates with me sending love and prayers 🙏🏼
This video brought me to tears because it’s exactly what I needed right now. I didn’t leave my house for 3 years except for work, could manage surface level interactions. I’m about 6 months into trying to get out there and be a participating human and i needed this video so badly. Thank you for making this video and helping me feel seen and understood
Thank you for watching. Good luck on your healing journey!
Nika@TeamFairy
I may have said this before: I drank social gatherings so I’d be calmer and not feel threatened.
Yeah, me too. Only way to calm my nerves and overwhelmedness.
If you didn't feel calm and you felt "threatened ", why did you go?
@IWillNOTbeShaken70x7 because a lot of these times I "had" to, I had to perform, speech, read, be interviewed etc. And sometimes it was a Christmas with my family, or a party I thought I couldn't escape from.
I don't do the latter anymore and I also quit drinking 🎉
Oh, you were not talking to me, excuse me 😂
Drinking in social situations makes it worse for me as I then feel out of control and too vulnerable to relax.
I have CPTSD and have had years of fatigue and pain that no one believed. Lost lots of connections. Finally diagnosed with multiple sclerosis and really mad that people didnt believe me. Between these 2 diagnosis I finally started the disability process, which was triggering! The questions felt interrogating and I cried.
Hang in there!
Nika@TeamFairy
❤
I see a lot of myself in this, but the challenge has always been knowing what’s what. My mother practised really intense enmeshment, I didn’t really feel like a person until my adulthood (and I don’t always feel that way now), so wanting to “separate” from other people has always felt like a natural reaction to that.
I cannot tell you how much I am ugly crying right now within the first freaking 5 mins of this video because I have never felt so understood and hopeful in my whole life. 2020 wrecked me and I fully shut down and shut everyone out. And it is HELL trying to “reintegrate” into the person I used to be. I have felt trapped in purgatory for 4 straight years. Thank you. THANK YOU. I feel like your words are hugging me through the phone and I feel like I have a chance at actually LIVING life again for the first time in so goddamn long.
I can’t afford therapy right now. I’ve had to apply for social security because my life is an absolute wasteland of tv static and everything has become unmanageable. I feel so pathetic for having to do that, but I quite literally cannot function. And this ONE VIDEO…PLUS the free quiz and free daily practice thing on top of that??? You are a gift to this world. Thank you for making this type of information accessible. I cannot thank you enough.
Yes yes yes.......when the going gets tough I go underground. Thank you for this video. ❤
Funny, I call it that, too. Like a mole I have lived a lot of my life underground. Also, like I was under ice.
What if you’re perfectly happy in isolation? I don’t hate people, but I am genuinely happier on my own. 🤷♀️
That's totally okay! Being happy in isolation is all about knowing what suits you the best. If you find joy and fulfillment on your own, that's a valid and healthy choice. Everyone's path to happiness is unique!
nobody can replace the joy i find in my art, and it's something i do very proffessionaly and on my own. i couldn't imagine a world were i didn't have most of my time to myself, it would be hell.
I work in customer service and im just DONE with talking to customers. I want to be able to be more alone than i am, and still partake. But finding a job where I can limit my human contact is difficult. I want to work where i can have relationships with people i need to work with. Not just random people who come into the store and treat me like a punching bag. As someone who wants to believe in the general goodness of people - its exhausting being treated like crap and having to have a smile on my face while they do it.
I am a hairstylist and get deeper relationships with spending at least an hour with my clients. I care so much for them and lots care for me too. I consider them my friends although I know it’s an illusion, it’s just professional.
As I am so burnt by being hurt with women friendships, my clients love fill up a void for now. Outside work I am isolating
@@taniadangtran1359 I honestly love chatting with my hairstylist! I think you're appreciated more personally than you know 🙂
I have three kids,a husband,a dog, I grew up with a narcissistic father and a covert narcissist mother. My nervous system is completely disregulated. I get overstimulated and overwhelmed very easily. I literally feel physically exhausted. I avoid people and to be honest, I don't need them. At least that's what I think. I have a few friends who I occasionally meet in a calm surroundings. I have also two workout "buddies" but that's that. I don't need anything more than that.
Why do people think having 745 friends is so rich? If a person is honest, having a handful of true friends is a blessing. Perhaps they are enough as you are enough. You are blessed with friends in different spheres.😊
Completely how I feel. I always feel disregulated 😢
@@loli3939 Yes,you are absolutely right. What's even better is that we don't feel the pressure of hanging out every day or every weekend and nobody gets mad or neglected.
Same, narcissistic parents are the worst. Being in my own safe place brings me so much happiness. Having peace and quiet when I want it, is everything to me and I wouldn't want it any other way.
Your lucky and blessed to have who you have. That's amazing
I dont isolate from people. Often, others create toxic BS that i refuse to tolerate. I then address this verbally with them and that is when the gaslighting starts and denial of their toxic shenanigans create serious friction.
Before, i would avoid addressing the toxicity, and now doing the right thing by addressing it leads to even more friction.
So this is why isolating from toxic people is better.
Are we the same person?
Me too…
The ones I look forward to be with and are most relaxed with are not abusive or narcissistic..
I agree. I was part of an expat group in Manta, Equador where I was insulted several times and didn't respond because I would have exploded. One person told me it is because I'm an easy target who is too nice. I removed myself from the group. Inadequate boundaries are my issuse. I hate anger and confrontation causing self sacrifice. 17:11 t
@@garypike4996when you are too nice, people walk all over you, when you stand up to the disrespect you become the one who has issues and not sociable. Hard to find a balance…
I'm in denial but I know this is true. I'll come back to it. People terrify me and I'm not afraid to admit it. The ways they can do easily harm you and not care... My own mum...i can't right now
One day at a time
I hear you. Glad you are here.
Nika@TeamFairy
When our trauma happens in relationships, part of the healing journey must include new experiences of safety in connection. We are wired through evolution in favor of connection, our brain is a social organ- look into polyvagal theory neuroception and co- regulation, and how trauma impacts the amygdala, hippocamp, frontal lobe , and nervous system. This will help you seperate yourself from so many symptoms and behaviours. Psychoed is the best first step for trauma work, knowledge is power and helps activate sensing/ noticing brain . Start small and meet yourself where you are at. Work with and get curious about all of your trauma "parts" and connecting to yourself/embodied. If you can do therapy, I'd recommend internal family systems therapy/ parts work.
> Connecting with divine or HigherSelf is particularly helpful to survive those unavoidable lonely moments.
When I feel utterly lonely I'll connect with HigherSelf and feel peace.
I remind myself it's a phase for humanity. It might even take generations for us to fully get it and come together but we are already connected, in the non-physical.
Keeping myself protected from harsh energies is key. Interacting with harsh energies makes it extra difficult to deal with life. To help myself in this department, I'm constantly working on my own perfectionsm. More I heal, less these harsh energies find interest in me.
I also release myself from expectations and need for permission from others etc. This adds to the peace in solutide life.
I still hope and work towards having a friend. Someone's company I can enjoy, someone I can give freely. If I meet such a friend, good. If not, well I tried and came a long way, this life wasn't wasted.
I relate to this. Thank you for covering it.
Lately I’ve been forcing myself to reach out more to people. I feel awful. This video has kind of made me realize I’m one of those people who does better alone. I used to have a life with lots of people in it and I was no better off. Where were they when I needed them? Nowhere to be found.
I don’t really get dysregulated but just prefer to be alone.
My trauma is from adulthood, not childhood, and I’m wondering if that makes a difference
i find myself dysregulated when pushing myself to go out with family members. i'll start feeling guilty, because "hat if they die", am i failing them, will i regret it, etc etc, but we are a very disfunctional family andour parents left me and my brother each with or own traumas (and we ourselves don't get along the best either, but even then i'll try and force myself to interact, because "what kind of sister am i otherwise", "it's what i should do)
With people outside of my family, nah no dysregulation, i'll usually have a blast, but i'm honestly too lazy to go looking to meet more people. well, not really lazy, but i¿ll take an extra evening of practice on my watercolors, or an extra hour of cycling while watching a movie, than going through the motions of a watsapp group with people i don't know or care. and sometimes, those other people bring their own issues to the table, i've lost count of how many times i've ended up as the listener of someone's crisis, which, i'm happy to help but also, i deserve to have a good time when going out too and not just get reminded of trauma in this world all the time? call it selfish or wathever, but it's only very recently that i've come to realize that i can't be everyone's therapist, i deserve to enjoy and disconnect at times too. so even if you yourself don't dysregulate, the others may
I enjoy my own company so much that I don’t consider it as isolation. Being alone often helps me recharge emotionally and mentally.
I often feel drained when I’m around people too much. I just have to take a break and be by myself for a while so I get myself again.
yeah! don't lose yourself in all the noise
Isolating is real!! And it’s ruined relationships in my life for sure, coming from me, as well as from others.
You don’t deserve to just shove shit down, even when you don’t know what to do with it all.
You deserve to heal and be happy with yourself. Every small effort matters.
Take time for yourself, but know that you are only human, and you still deserve love, peace, and understanding.
You will find your people, if you haven’t already.
Keep being brave, y’all! You may not feel it, but you are brave for facing every day. Keep going!!
Thank you for sharing
Thanks for sharing this :) -Calista@TeamFairy
What I would like to do is connect with other people working their way through this web. It feels like there would be more acceptance and opportunity for growth in that situation. Also more safety.
Glad you are here! If you're interested, you can consider joining our membership where we interact on our Facebook group and during online calls. Our members community is very supporting! Here's a link if you'd like to check it out: courses.crappychildhoodfairy.com/membership
Nika@TeamFairy
I’ve done the whole “work your entire life” thing. I’ve been married twice. I’m at peace in my solitude now. I’ve done therapy for 20 years. I’ve built my own castle of refuge. I’ve had great successes in my life and proud that I’ve made it as far as I have. But I still have trouble with my upbringing it was a daily shitshow x 1000. I did the best I could have done with what I went through. I’m ok with being alone. It’s actually pretty great. I have a miniature dachshund and she’s pretty great. I am open to and that all things are possible but I’m pretty ok where I’m at. But of course I’m healing every day. I admire anyone who takes on addressing and uncovering the atrocities of just being born into an unwanted situation.
I have a pretty extreme version of this. I haven’t had a gf in over ten years. I haven’t hugged another person in over five years. I haven’t had a meaningful social interaction in over five years. My loneliness is extremely tough to deal with, but I often tell myself that this pain is controlled and better than pain I’ll get from an external source. That’s how I deal with it. However, it isn’t easy. It also doesn’t help that I’m not that attractive, so whenever I go out to get groceries or whatever, I always feel like people are staring at me weird and probably thinking about how weird I am. That’s why I try to plan my days to avoid large crowds. Even when I go somewhere people are inevitably going to be around, I try to go during hours when people are more avoidable. Sometimes I wish everyone would disappear and I was alone in the world; then I can go out freely without worrying about what people think. Sometimes I go out at like 3 in the morning when everyone else is asleep and walk around, and it feels so good.
So sorry your outside looks get the most of your confidence. I see some people not fitting with most standard ideas of beauty ( what you call ugly) but they are so charismatic that they attract people once they get over the 1 st second of judging they look. It might be that their confidence in themselves, their sense of humor or whatever just make up for not being a gorgeous model.
I am a hairstylist so I find beauty in all of you and my job is to bring it up so you exult confidence in yourself and makes you happy.
Why not wear a mask and sunglasses so you can regain your freedom to go out as you please and avoid stares from stupid people?
@@taniadangtran1359 working on other aspects of myself other than relying on just the superficial would probably be the best thing. I suppose I can try working on my charisma. You certainly look pretty.
@@privateinvestigator8607 i promise that among those others you feel stared by, there's someone like you. whenever you feel insecure outside, make a mental note of it, a reminder. you may feel sure that it's a "you" thing, but no, lots of people feel lonely, ugly, they are struggling, yet they have to smile while giving you your change, or they might feel forced to keep a happy appearance because what would others think otherwise.
It feels so good and refreshing to hear this, when there's a social media tendency to promote independance and spending time alone above socializing (including cancelling plans, promoting self-care etc). While I understand and while we need both, we do need each other, even more so in this super individualistic society.
I feel like those that champion being social and maintaining relationships that are mainly and usually transactional, have never experienced, or are terrified of experiencing the freedom that comes with isolation, solitude and cutting users, abusers, and creepy people out of your life.
I am enjoying my solitude and isolation, and I am controlling what I allow people and society to do to me... WHY on earth would I want to end that?!
You couldn't pay me enough money to end that!
i have to agree here....i've always found fascinating how those trying to force you to socialize in the way they deem mandatory always come across with some level of...angst maybe? i'm not sure what to call it, but it's as if something would come crashing down to them if, for example, they were phased with an irefutable truth somehow about another human being genuinly happy on their own.
To some degree i do believe it's fear and sunk cost fallacy. and also, culture and societal norms, everyone parrots the "humans are social animals" bs and pushes introverts to be something they are not, rarely if ever it will be the other way around, when have you seen an extrovert actually be persistantly throughout years be told to socialize less, even if it's destroying them lol. that only happens if it comes along some other type of issue like substance abuse, so they also don't really know what it's like to be questioned and antagonized at every turn just for choosing to keep a certain boundary or personal space.
This is so relevant to me right now and I discovered you through your video on struggling to make decisions. In this decision limbo (going on for months now), I am isolating like it is an Olympic sport. Thank you for making me feel understood and motivated to get back on track with healing. We‘re taking control of our lives.
Relatable comment! ❤
I have C-PTSD and work in retail. Every day around people is so hard for me, and on my bad days it's my absolute worst nightmare. I'm trying so hard to get out of it. It really *does* feel like I'm giving myself the best love and self care possible to isolate myself when something bad happens and I'm feeling too overwhelmed.
Hmmn honestly I thought everyone does this. My friendship group, we all do this. Whether we need to disappear for three days, three weeks or three months, we do check-ins of course but always just pick-up fine when whatever disregulation has passed. No it's not a competition. Our connections are good 🤷🏽♀️
It's different if you have CPTSD friends get busy with other life events, trauma can come at any time which is hard
This is about your whole life being isolated.
@@stephanied9629isolation can be a spectrum, from someone who is agoraphobic and limits any and all human interactions to people who simply are introverted and keep interactions with others to a minimum or a surface level
I’m in that isolation phase right now. I’m at the 1 yr mark of going no contact with the narcissist. The first six months into it, I threw myself into my work to distract myself from feeling my feelings. After that I started isolation and I just crave the peace and quiet. I work in the Operating Room and a lot of surgeons are very emotionally immature and they have difficulty regulating themselves if they don’t get what they want immediately. They will start going off and I started getting so triggered. I would go back to my dad and mom going off on me as a kid. I start freezing and fawning and get really anxious. After an 8 or 10 hour shift I just want to get home to my quiet house. Then it carries over into the weekend. I canceled on going to the Christmas party at the home of our chief Vascular surgeon because I couldn’t face being around all those people from work, even though I like most of them. One Monday a couple weeks ago, after seeing a woman at Petsmart who looked just like the narcissist, I had to call out sick and take a mental health day because I just couldn’t deal with being around people. Then my cat went missing and I had to make myself go out and meet some neighbors while looking for him. I really have to force myself out of my comfort zone to go be around people. I’m feeling anxious because my catechism classes start in a few weeks. I’m looking forward to it but nervous about having that commitment to be around others at mass and the meetings for several hours on Sunday morning.
But i always found myself with the wrong people no real connection no shared values no shared intersts and vision and thise people never encouraged me to do things that make me better never inspired me so i isolated my self i ghosted most of them
I want to cry right now. You are putting words to feelings I’ve had for a long time.
I'm so glad you found the video, we're all sending you encouragement :) -Calista@TeamFairy
In a healthy true community a stressed person would be quickly noticed and help would be generously GIVEN TO them. The disadvantaged person would receive care and kindness until they felt better. A traumatised person who lives in a faux community ( most of the modern world) is expected to somehow MAKE the effort to reconnect with others. This is why it is so hard and feels so unnatural. Because it IS unnatural. There is nothing wrong with needing to be passive as wounded ones. It is the world around us that has gone stark staring mad and forgotten how to reach out to distress signals.
Loving this channel. Not a pity party. People willing to do the work need a plan, not false validation.
I do prefer solitude, you describe it well. The trauma started as an infant childhood was one enormous trauma. It is such a comfort to be able to exist without my nervous system going haywire. Dealing with people is so painful I am in talks to be able to get medical assistance in dieing (that my country offers), once it becomes something I can’t exist with. Am I alone ?
You definitely are not alone Jesus is real I saw him and if you put faith and trust in him he will always be with you and he cares for you
He cares for you tell him how you feel he will help you I promise you are never alone
@@KaraKara23 sky daddy’s churches participated at various times Kara, I am zero percent religious.
You’re not alone. My country doesn’t offer euthanasia for people unless you have terminal cancer, so at this point I wish for that to happen to me. I can’t function at this point. Many days go by where I can’t care for myself, even getting up to go to the bathroom or drink water feels like moving mountains. I can’t be out in public without having meltdowns because I have no tolerance for people anymore. I’ve always been traumatized but it’s gone downhill very quickly the past few years. There’s no way I can continue to live unless the government will literally give me money to support myself so I don’t have to leave my house. Which they won’t do, they’d rather let me slowly rot alive on the streets than take care of me or offer euthanasia if they don’t want to take care of me. I just want to stop suffering and die with a little dignity, that’s the kindest way my story could end.
@@KaraKara23 Get Lost!
I was bullied and harassed so badly that I isolated myself so I wouldn't be hurt again. Which is what my bullies wanted. They didn't want me to be involved because of their racist beliefs.
Well, they got what they wanted. I'm now isolated and away because I'm too afraid of being hurt again.
Feel what you feel and move forward!❤ Been where you are.
Why give those mean people any kind of satisfaction 😮!
FORWARD WE GO….ONE STEP AT A TIME💜
❤❤❤
Same thing happened to me although it had nothing to do with racism. It was my own family!
People are DRAINING. 8 hrs of work is almost too much for me and sometimes it is way to much. I Love my alone time. I'm not sad or disappointed when I'm by myself. I feel non stressed when I'm alone.
you are describing a natural human honestly. people forget to count in work as interaction already, and the way we function really leaves us with almost no social energy left, which even the most extroverted of extroverts has an infinite pool of.
I just found this channel yesterday. I feel like every video that is popping up in my feed is letting me know my whole “personality” is trauma.
It depends upon what you call “life.” Support is often what we most need from Self. Then there is the very real issue of feeling bored around most people.
It’s hard enough interacting with people at work. It takes all my energy just to deal with work responsibilities, drama and politics.
I am drained by the end of the day. I relish my solitude because it’s peace and no bs.
I love being alone. It’s not painful, it’s healing.
I wish someone would have said this to me as a very young girl. When I left my house at 18 is when I started to learn about life.
I'm physically feel better, less emotional and feel safer isolating. My social skills are very lacking and starts many conflicts. I've said my only home is what only happens on tv to find someone like Beauty and the Beast or Tarzan but that's probably impossible
Most people lack self awareness and accountability and much of the stress comes from the fact they can not fathom understanding someone who does…because this highlights what they lack within they often attack both directly or indirectly.
As a lifelong introvert yes this does trigger a sense of being misunderstood but rather than a negative trauma response, isolation is an adaptation to preserve energy. Being able to discern who who is and is not worth entertain is a blessing many people will never experience
I don't like big parties, especially when I don't know most of the people there. It's too much. Years ago I just wandered around with a drink in my hand, hovering around conversations and waiting to be invited in. Now I do the same but with a plate of food.
Oh my word, parties are very challenging.
I commend you for trying.
This is what has happened in my past party experiences. But it can actually happen at any time and place.
I can get talking with someone, one on one, and it's friendly enough, and we may even be discussing a particular topic, I believe I am a good listener too so it's not just me talking,
then this thing happens, every time! A new person will join in, maybe they have a more dynamic personality, I don't know, but the person I was talking with starts talking with that new person, and it's Like, puff! I no longer exist! They don't look at me or include me, there's not a moment where I can insert myself back into the conversation, and I don't want to be rude, though they are the ones being rude, it just gets all very awkward for me and I'm left standing there, ignored like I'm invisible. And I just walk away from them talking.
It's the worst! It stings, it hurts, and I have often gone to the bathroom and teared up. It's like wtf! I then get it together take a deep breath and go back out to the party, or whatever social setting it is, I do a smile here and there, try and engage and fake show I'm having a good time, but in my head I am planning my moment to thank the host and make an exit. And when I exit, I cry in my car or when I get home. I haven't been to a party in a long time, they're just too much for me.
@@Iloveflowers2024I know exactly what you are talking about, what is it with people seriously? Some attention seeker narcissists? I stopped going to parties, the few times I do it’s so stressful and disappointed and makes me feel worthless. I can do better one on one or a maximum of 3 to 4 people, it’s more genuine conversations but also depends on who it’s with. Parties are just so superficial in conversations, not worth the stress anyway.
I love this. It made me smile and laugh and want to keep trying.
I can't tell you how much this helped me today. I've been isolating for a few years but isolation is not the answer.
Thank you for your video, it's a relief to find this subject addressed.
I don’t like being in relationships. They trigger me. Being by myself has been great. Being friendless has been fine too. I have trauma from relationships, friendships, and family members. I feel great in isolation.
I planned a community event to talk about what we need most. I don't like public speaking or presenting, but I did it because our community needs a voice. I had a splitting headache after facilitating but, I did it. we also got great feedback and workshop participation. STEP OUT OF ISOLATION, ITS 2024.
Good job! Thank you for sharing this!
Nika@TeamFairy
I tend to do both like to be alone but like to be with people .
Many of us have this CPTSD trauma from adult relationships, as well.
Yes, of course.
Nika@TeamFairy
Why are you coming for me like this?! Lol, I needed to hear this from someone else. I tell myself this everyday, but my trauma responses always wins. Hearing this from another source makes it a lot more real.
2:31 I'm a 100% an introvert, people are absolutely exhausting and I can't shop for more than 3 hours bc I'll get overstimulated and dizzy.
Peferring solitude is completely different from isolation.
Isolation is horrendous and I had struggled terribly during college when I was living with roomates. Long story short, the shame and my chronic depression destroyed my sense of wellbeing and the isolation got so bad it kept me hungry in my room bc I couldn't bear to leave my room to eat until I know everyone is out of the house or sleeping.
Don't mistake solitude for isolation, it downplays the brutality that is isolation.
This video was a wake up call. I finally understand why I am so introverted and closed off from others. I realize that is just the first step. Now I have to change my behavior.
This I what I do shut people out ,I don’t like to be around my family I always ,get trigged and snap at family and just loose it ,but I just feel better for it ,shutting my self of from the world
Me too
I can't really describe, how thankful am I, that you popped up again on TH-cam.
I subscribed to your channel once, but never felt I could follow you, because I couldn't really understand, what you were talking about. Or I was not ready to be involved and change.
And here I am!
3-4days after watching several videos of yours, I feel more relieved and less stressed, because I see, there's a way to Heal and downsize those feelings, like anxiety, anger and fear that your several traumas have caused, and it's such a great thing to feel that you are not alone, even though I feel so sorry about everyone who went through a really crappy childhood.
Thank you ❤
Nobody is supportive. People only care about themselves, or give any thought about anyone else, or dump all their crap on those of us willing to be supportive of them. They also will show a kind, friendly face to everyone else but feel they can show you their ugliness.
Being a near total shut-in for almost 4 years, this makes so much sense that it almost hurts.... 💔 I truly appreciate your giving me a deeper insight as to why I've done this, and how to move forward!! Thank you so much, Anna! ❤
Thank you for sharing this, we're all sending you encouragement :) -Calista@TeamFairy
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy Thank you so much, Calista and TeamFairy! ❤❤
I'm an introvert, but even so more and more I desire to be alone. To the point where (if it's outside of work teaching little kids), I more and more enjoy being by myself. I enjoy solitude and do like people.
I don't hate people, I just need them in small doses. I just feel so DRAINED and like I'm spazzing after being around them for too long I literally feel like I need to go into a room and curl up and recharge. 😢😅
Sometimes I enjoy being alone so much, I wonder if something is wrong with me.
nah, you describe just a normal human being. nobody has the energy for 16 hours of human interaction daily, and your work, be it teaching or something else, already coutns as interacting. you discount your daily eight from that, add the fact that you are introverted, and that we already have lower energy at the evening after work, and yeah, no wonder we feel good with ourselves instead of pretending we have the energy for even more interaction
I’m from Australia, Anna I think you are amazing. It’s like you are talking to only me, you really do understand and get it.I have tried different therapist and no success. You have helped me so much.
Honestly you really are an angel. Got a long way to go, but at least I’m on the right path.🤞Thank you❤
I have loved being by myself since I was small. I honestly detest it when people question me and tell me to get out more. Going out with people makes me what to cry. Making small talk gives me anxiety. So yes leave me the f alone I like it.
yep. truth
I think my issue is not wanting to spend money and not feeling confident enough or accomplished enough to feel adequate amongst my peers. Gets me every time.
No one reciprocates when I try to make a friend. Why keep trying?
Exactly
It is really hard ❤
I stopped trying too
Is friendship just a myth in our time?
I met a really nice woman and wished we could be friends. She constantly kept bring up her best friend. Most women who have a best friend are not open to get another friend. That was kinda of painful and I felt rejected and being invisible to her.
I just like the quiet and being present in the moment that comes with being alone. You can be much more present and at peace when the world is shutoff and you are connecting with its rhythms. The worlds a mess & greed has ruined most of it.
I only push away people who once treated me badly. It is almost every person I met. I isolate not because I find people triggering. I isolate so I stay normal and not hurt from people who simply don't know what a good communication is. I live in Russia so I don't have an acsess to your materials and website. It seems everyone here in Russia is traumatized and almost nobody is that much in the healing process like I am. Even psyhologist here can cause more harm than good. I don't know what to do with it. I can't make other people around me start healing, but dealing with most of them just how they are is impossible and harmful to me now. I would like to hear your advise, Anna! Thank you.
I make my life fuller and find happiness in painting , a new hobby developed during the pandemic,it’s called “ fluid pour painting “ and I hope you can check it out ( i learned it from TH-cam podcasts) . That and also daily yoga practice save me to keep a sane spirit and not crave social interaction.
I should do more nature walks to find even more balance which is very healing. All of this activities help me to find substitutes from giving up on having fake friends and so far it’s been working. Turning my mind to see how creative I can be in next art projects is so healing, I hope my story can inspire you. I can imagine how your country people are so hurt from the war, so sorry about the situation…Good luck and all my best to you!
Never met an open honest healthy understanding person that helped to heal my relationship wound. Truth is, most people are out for themselves, they don't care about your problems. Other people is just a reminder of my trauma, it's better without people.
I like to distinguish 'being alone' from the experience of 'loneliness'. The former is sometimes helpful for a while but lonliness is, in my experience, never pleasant.