Why do you miss your narcissist?
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 27 มิ.ย. 2024
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DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR CLINICAL CARE. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE. THIS VIDEO DISCUSSES NARCISSISM IN GENERAL.
THE VIDEO DOES NOT REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AND SHOULD NOT BE USED TO REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AS HAVING NARCISSISM. PERMISSION IS NOT GRANTED TO LINK TO OR REPOST THIS VIDEO, ESPECIALLY TO SUPPORT AN ALLEGATION THAT THE MAKERS OF THIS VIDEO BELIEVE, OR SUPPORT A CLAIM, THAT A SPECIFIC PERSON IS A NARCISSIST. THAT WOULD BE AN UNAUTHORIZED MISUSE OF THE VIDEO AND THE INFORMATION FEATURED IN IT.
You do not miss the narc, you miss the Person you thought that they were.
Exactly! They were never that person. That was the representative.
facts
True
@@wheatleygaming6500 Truth!!
Truth
For me it's like missing a dream that i thought was real.
knoble1985 Beautifully poetic yet sadly so very true 😰
Me too.
I agree completely.
Wow!! Perfect words! Thank you for sharing them.
😥
“They were like a full-time job.” 😂 so true!
I agree with you, Sabrina.
Yes. Talking to them was like that. So tiring.
Right.. now it’s like I have all of this time that I need to fill with positive things! It’s nice, but still a huge empty Space to fill. I might actually get some work done at my job now, not having all the “issues” to deal with ...
@@jayfournier6221 amen. Freedom.
Yes !! Its tiring 😫
The reason they take up so much of your time is because you're doing all the work in the relationship while they only prioritize themselves.
RIGHT!
YES YES
This!!
Amen!!!
Bingo.
One nice way of knowing that you are with a narcissist is - 'You will often feel uncomfortable being yourself'.
So so true! I watched how I governed myself and if I was myself he didn't accept and approve of me! It really sucked!
Yes, I didn’t feel like myself! I like a timid, passive, welcome mat to keep the peace. Otherwise it would blow up into a big argument with ME yelling and cussing and probably breaking up. (Which ultimately happened anyway) 🙄
I actually dont agree at all...this is one of the worst parts for me. He faked so well to be this person so similar to me...i felt a deep connection, we were soulmates those kinda things...
I never felt so myself with someone. But then... it started all the verbal abuse, etc... it was like someone took my floor away from me...
@@Rita-zx1rd I know what you mean. I felt a bond with mine, but at the same time, I did not feel like myself with him. It was so ironic...hope you’re doing ok. Take care.
@@mariaadame8749 thank you. Better days will come... That's my hope. Hope you are doing OK!
I don’t miss the name calling , manipulation, betrayal , selfishness and down right abuse. What I do miss was the fake person they created in order to get into my heart and cause havoc in my life.
Niles Guy same here !
Niles Guy Exactly! I miss the fake person.
Pretty much sums it up.........The fake person.
Same
Agreed
"Getting out of the relationship was the win." The sobering sentences.
😵💫😵💫😵💫
I’m crying. It’s been almost two months since I broke contact with my narc and I find myself missing him. I’m managing to keep it under control, but I started googling “missing the narcissist “ and finding this video and all the comments from people like me made me feel OK. I am also the daughter of a narc mom, so I can totally see where I’m coming from and I’m trying to embrace my trauma and to heal it rather than calling the narc guy. Thank you Dr Ramani and thank you to everyone who watched and commented.
Life on your own terms is daunting, difficult and it’s really tough to face. I also cut contact with my narc mom recently. I spent 7 years in a not-really-relationship with the narc guy. I found that getting a dog changed everything for me - I started having a REAL relationship, and mutual. It is with a dog, but it’s an immense step forward for me.
@@katiad4140 A pet seems like a really good idea. They take up a lot of time, like the narcissist, except unlike the narcissist your love and hard work for them is returned with real love. Dogs, cats, other pets don't fake that they love you just so they can hurt you later. They just love you. And I think that's what a lot of us breaking free from narcissistic people need. Someone who just loves us for all the work we do.
@@prettyevil6662000 Thank you so much for stepping in, Tara, and for showing me your presence. I'm here too, we are all here, even though it's just comments on TH-cam we're all real people with tons of shit to deal with.
Pets are an immense help. I got two cats in 2020, and I feel that they did give me a lot. I even managed to break up with the narc guy back then. But I didn't have the right therapist and help, and soon I found myself back with the narc guy, and the pandemic hit and my narc mom suddenly opened the doors of her home for me - little did I know, it was to manipulate me.
So the cats gave me a boost, but I got my wee dog in May 2022, and she really upped my game. But I do have a better therapist now, so the two things sort of go hand in hand. I think a cat, and a dog, can really do wonders, but I don't want to send the message that it's a magic wand.
I am, sadly, and through an awful lot of therapy, finding that there is no magic wand. I am angry, depressed, hopeless. My narc mom ruined my life, and now it's up to ME to fix it? WTF? I'm still coming to terms with this, and the dog upped my game in psychological terms, too, bringing me more awareness of my pain. So make sure you have the right help - it took me AGES to find it, and I am more hoping that it is right than able to really trust.
@@katiad4140 No one thing is a magic wand and it's okay to struggle and even sometimes be angry with the hand we were dealt in life. It really isn't fair that someone else set us up for failure from birth for their own pleasure and we now have to dig ourselves out. But all the little things to make us feel better and cope in healthy ways compound and can really help learn a sense of normalcy we rarely got before.
I understand.
I recently left a narc relationship. It’s been a little over a month.
I have to keep reminding myself of what I don’t miss.
I always felt sad and lonely when he got frustrated and argued at me.
Spending more time with my friends and family has helped me. Talking with them and laughing with them has helped me realize I don’t need him to be happy.
We deserve to find someone who is going to respect and cherish us.
We know what the patterns to look out for now.
We can learn how to create healthy boundaries to protect ourselves.
I will no longer allow someone making me feel guilty for leaving them to go hang out with my family and friends.
I will no longer let someone think it’s ok to yell at me and shut me out, because they’re frustrated.
Knowledge is power.
I miss the man that I thought he was, the man he pretended to be. I really liked that guy! I grieve the loss of that guy that never really existed.
I grieve the loss of 30 years of my life
Thank you so much - yes I am grieving ( like a death) the person I thought she was
Over 22 years - w adopted kids
I miss the times that seemed to work.
Same. Except he’s sleeping in the living room. He still tries to act like we’re friends but.. Friends wouldn’t do those things to friends. I miss that nice guy.
It’s hard
Thats exactly how i feel
The trauma bond was so strong I had to sit in my car and pray every morning before work because my anxiety was through the roof. There were days that I almost asked to leave because I was ruminating so hard and I couldn't bare the thought of losing her. I never had a breakup that felt like this. That list does work along with other things. These days I just binge watch these videos and participate in the comments for healing!
I'm in the struggle with ya!❤
Update:
I posted this over a year ago. It's actually embarrassing to read over when I respond to new comments. I leave it because I know it's been helpful to many. I do have something important to tell you though. If you keep doing your part you will get passed this. Gather all the information you can from ytube and other sources and fully enjoy it. After you've learned everything, please change your focus, and don't binge watch these kind of videos. You don't realize it but it will keep you stuck. I remember when I unscribed from all these kind of channels, and removed the push notifications, I felt way better! I been over it a loooong time ago and been moved on. Please take my advice. I was once where you probably are now.
Finding a new focus is key. Trust me ❤
I went through the same thing. I totally know what you're going through. Still dealing with it but im getting better. Keep moving, keep yourself busy. Working, daily long walks, sleep and binge researching on narcissism got me through a long 3-4 months. I'm starting to work out now. Focus on getting yourself stronger and realize you just can't go back and suffer the abuse again. It's very tough no matter what you do, but you have to take of yourself. There's no easy answer but the only choice you have is to get yourself stronger.
@ErikisOfficial Totally my case too: I was praying every night and morning. Never had a breakup that felt like this. I kept and keep myself strong through watching these videos, all of them remind me exactly what I've gone through, and why I cannot go back no matter what (especially despite the pitty and sorrow I feel for him - he's a covert narc so he displayed also "soft" parts of him which I don't even know if they were fake or real). I cried every day since the breakup and even if when I do, it feels like it's because of the regret of what was good, recently I got to thinking it's probably a gradual release of the terrible stress I endured in that relationship.
Sometimes I think what hurts the most is the impossibility of having him and myself too - it's either him, or me. I'm an empath and I know for sure I would have literally died of some terrible disease in max 2 more years if I stayed with him.
For a quicker and solid healing/ recovery, I recommend Richard Grannon's programs, they're free, you can find his channel on YTube as well. And btw, check my reply to your other post among these comments. You're blessed to have escaped, so life has better plans for you, keep yourself centered on YOU.
@@surfshack2 ❤
@@surfshack2 my regimen is the same almost. I'm glad I was able to come out of it...mostly. So I think I've seen every video on narcissism the internet has to offer now I'm ready to move on to other personality disorders that carry many of the same traits. It's good info to keep on hand.
@@ErikisOfficial It is very common for Narcissism to be comorbid with the other disorder traits in the Cluster B family. It's extremely overwhelming. Definitly good to know the traits of the other disorders.
You’re grieving the loss of your relationship, although toxic you were emotionally invested and attached so disconnecting is still difficult. We don’t just shut our feelings off like a faucet.
It takes time to let go and move on while grieving the loss of what could have been but never was and never will be
they can shut us off just like that since they have no deep feelings at all. It's really something how we know all of this and can easily begin missing them months, yrs later and "forget" all of the logic and go on our primitive feelings of what's familiar--this is one of the BEST videos I have seen!!
So well put! You're so right! Thank you!
Exactly. I was so invested that he became my world.
@@doodlebug2557
Over investing in someone usually equals under receiving in return 🤨 Mutual reciprocity is my new mantra 😉
@@phoenixrising8007 yay to that! Narcissists do not give back, it really is all about them!
“You don’t miss them. You’re going to be ok” beautiful words 💕
DON'T FORGET: WHAT YOU MISS IS YOUR OWN EMOTIONS REFLECTING BACK AT YOU. YOU NEVER LOST THAT.
Thank you so much 😭
yeah!!!
You never lost that!!! Omg powerful and I can just give it to myself instead
YES
Oh man ❤
I’m bursting with tears. I feel relief knowing after 2 years of getting rid of this monster it’s normal to feel this way from time to time. Thank you!!
me too
Thats good to know. It s one year since we broke up and since a few days l feel I miss him more than ever....
Me too.!
3 years?? Im now on my break up with man like this.. And i cant let hin go.. I love him so much. And i know its al she said.. But i cant... 3years that i will move on.. I want to just die.. This paid is afule
So even 2 years after we still feel bad?🥺
I don't think I can ever express just how grateful I truly am that this woman exists and shares this knowledge with the rest of us. I have learned so much from her and have gained comfort at the same time. Thank you.
So true. I cried listening to this again.👏 thank you doctor. Most of the world doesn’t know what it is like to deal with the narcissist and how difficult it is not to miss them. It’s almost like addiction to harsh chemicals.
Same!
Sitting here, missing my narcissist. Uploaded 30 minutes ago, "Why do you miss your narcissist?". Dr Ramani, you are the lockdown voice I needed.
Totally agree. Dr Ramani is a lifesaver!
Rich I miss mine too. You’re not alone.
I got reeled in at the start of UK lockdown. Promises of meeting up after it ends, and talking of the future. Pictures sent of our travel collections that she still has, and all of our albums. Talk that things can be good. I got a message saying, "I hope you don't think I'm messaging because I'm bored in lockdown". Then 2 weeks later she had told me there's no way forward. No closure, just a message. I know I fell for it, 6 months on, but she said and did so much to convince me. I'm left feeling rejected all over again.
@@iliveinlove5337 Thanks, I just need to somehow break the cognitive dissonance. Thanks for the supportive words.
@@iliveinlove5337 Yes, feels like grief. It's hard to imagine that someone you cared for and loved could come back into your life after healing, promise things and then drop you when the novelty wears off. Good luck to you, and remember how you've been made to feel, by someone you trusted and cared for. I will be sure to remember. Stay strong.
I was just thinking of this. I miss mine because of the idea.
I miss the life they promised to give me.
I miss the partner that they promised to be. The person who they said they were, but never were.
Everything was a lie, a sham.
I miss being in their presence, the good times. It was like a movie. You felt on top of the world. (Think Taylor swift "wildest dreams")
They promised you the world but in the end they didn't care, it was all an act, something to pass the time with, or to fill a need because they were lonely.
You explained exactly how I feel right now.
Special Twice.... You can give that wonderful life as a gift to yourself rather than waiting for someone else to receive it from you. I know that we all think that those few weeks what they gave us was so good because we never count the years we gave to them. Remind everything you did for them and I am sure you will see them as a taker and you as a giver.
I didn't read your comment before I commented, but I couldn't agree more!
Aww, thank you for your kind words. Just figuring it out as I go along; often, as I actually write. ;) Thank you. You're appreciated.
Special Twice Perfectly stated! The words never matched up with the actions. The last line of your post is brutally honest, pointed and the pure unadulterated truth. Bless you and may your healing be swift and enlightening.
This video just saved me. I had unblocked my ex and was romanticizing the past. After listening to this it reminded me of all the reasons I left him. I just blocked him again and will not be going back. Incredibly scary how powerful these human addictions can be. Thanks for your incredible work. 🙏🏻
If I hadn't watched your videos, I would have suffocated myself to death with self-blaming! My 7 years of relationship was dumped like pure trash! Thank you very much, you made it so easy for me to move on.
They’re kind of like a light at the end of a tunnel, but then you find out it was lamp, not an exit
More like an oncoming train! Lol
@@SkyePhoenix 😂😂😂😂
Haha. Yup.
Skye Phoenix that is a good one😂😂
What a smart and true comparison!
Why do you miss cigarettes, alcohol or illegal when you quit? They were the focus of your life and you have to fill that hole.
Old habits are hard to break, my Mom often repeats. We become addicts.
mary shaffer True, and they also have powerful chemical effects that are physiologically addicting. The same is true of toxic relationships and trauma bonding - when we give up our toxic relationships, we feel both the emotional void as well as loss of dopamine, serotonin, endorphins and whatever other neurotransmitters & hormones our bodies were trained to release in response to interactions with our narcissist-abusers.
mary shaffer He took up so much of my time and energy. Now it’s been two months since I broke up with him. I’m slowly feeling ok with having this hole in my life and being careful to not fill it up with binge eating. Learning about support for survivors of narcissistic abuse has been so helpful.
Perfectly put
I can agree with that
One more thing that should be mentioned is that lack of closure is a big part of this feeling, at least for me. Leaving this kind of relationship will never come with acknowledgement of what it was by anyone except for yourself, and knowing that the person will go on to live their lives comfortable in their own version of events is a really painful feeling that is hard to let go.
But remember they live in a false reality & at the end of the day what matters is you and your newfound sanity. I think you are wrong tho', they are NEVER comfortable or happy with themselves, others or their life. Their default position will always be to blame others for their own misery & be continually living inside a loop of their own self-made misery chasing rainbows that are just mirages. I know I don't envy that at all, or having to expend so much energy on constructing a false self on trying to convince others to like/love you. They don't just tire you out by being in your life, but tire themselves out, too. Are you sure you still envy that all ? I know I don’t. I'd rather be me, be authentic and feel real joy, pain & love rather than a false fantasy of a perfect love that doesn't really exist. Trust me they are never comfortable or happy.
You have no idea , this is exactly how i feel. Especially the fact that no one really knows the truth.
especially when you have been ghosted!
Absolutely miss the man he pretended to be for the first 2 years. Married him & his true self started IMMEDIATELY showing & it was ugly. Thought he had me right where he wanted me. He underestimated me. GONE.
So many times when i have the euphoric recall, it makes me believe that maybe i was the one that ruined the relationship or that everything really was my fault.
Or that maybe I'm wrong and he's not a narcissist and now he's gone off to have a better relationship with someone else. That's what goes through my mind sometimes. Wish I'd stop, it's getting on my nerves!! 🥴
Or that maybe i could have done things differently. Said something different, behaved differently and it wouldnt have ended
I feel that so much!!
@@terri5270 Its not true. It comes from some kind of false believe you somehow accepted. I am going through this experience also. Its very confusing.
I'll replay situations leading to the discard over and over again in my mind. Sometimes I'm able to say 'ok he's clearly sick minded' while today i woke up telling myself that it was my fault
We don't miss the narcissist; we miss feeling all that INTENSE love when we're on that pedestal.
There's a reason people think vampires are sexy, if when they're sucking us dry.
So many relationships after a narcissist feel so devoid of intensity that regardless of them being safe and healthy they make us feel like something is missing. It's quite tragic.
Stray yes the love bombing~manipulation
James Sanders part of that is our addiction to drama most likely learned in our upbringing
@@christyb9487 absolutely true
I think we all, to a certain extent,crave that wild and sweeping romance novel-like notion of love. It's euphoric and somehow our lover is going to save us, etc. But slowing things down and establishing a longstanding foundation of trust before all the passionate stuff seems better in the long run. My narc father is practically a template to avoid. He has always rushed his women into moving in with him, marrying him, etc and every woman has had her heart decimated by him. If your lover can't wait, ask yourself why. Why can't they wait?
omg - this is so true, I spent so much time trying to fix the relationship. I went back into my files and saw that I had written hundreds of emails to him, wrote tons of pages in my journals, and saved texts to him. OMG - it was a full time job with overtime!!!!
debbie G,You look cute 🌹🥀,you don't need a narc 😈 in your life!
@@christianpulisic7784 he's out of my life for good!!!!! divorce was finally finalized. Of course he dragged out the divorce since narc can't stand losing.
@@debbieg8260 Ok dear.I am Christian from the States.You?
It scares me that I’m missing to be around him after I know who he is. But, little by little I’m getting stronger. Like always, great video, thank you dr. Ramani , you’re helping me to get through this.
:(
I was missing him every other day
But being with him while he was devaluing and discarding me, i was having heart palpitations , anxiety and constant worrying.
same, he was causing me so much stress, I couldn't sleep at night or focus on my own life. I cried every single day for over a year and everyday I was telling myself to leave him. Now that I have left him I miss him everyday and cry even more but I believe this is the road to healing and finally becoming happy.
Even the thought of him or his text popping up on my phone or his call shakes me with anxiety and rises my heart beat. We're together and he thinks everything is normal but I'm slowly disengaging without him knowing because I know it's not going to go too far and I don't want him to discard me painfully, Again ! So this time it's going to be me walking away.
@fishygal53 Sadly that happened with me too. Being with him only gave me anxiety, hopelessness, low self-esteem & over thinking. Had 3 mental breakdowns in a short 8 or 9 months span. He's devil itself preaching religion & glad to get away from him.
I know that feeling - both of them - so well ... It hurts
But someday we will realise we forgot about them and all 'that' drama we lived in, that we are surrounded by people who are truly worthy of our presence and that value and appreciate us dearly; healthy relationships based on truth, trust and empathy.. And that "missing the narcissist era" is so far away; and we couldn't care less about him/her .
@@1xxLgirL1 I hope you are well ❤️
What I missed was the exhilaration of clinging on to the hope that he will change and things will magically transform to the ideal future promised during the lovebombing. The discard threw me off balance because there was nothing to hold on to anymore other than the harsh reality of betrayal. Understanding narcissism helped me realise that I can only miss what I have lost. The man I thought I knew and was married to was not even real. Narcs are like mirages. Everything good that we perceive about them is an illusion. That realisation was the best wake up call for me.
Hmmmm... yes... the whole: "but if i give him another chance he will take it and show me that because he loves me, he will change. " Even if it's 20 percent. It will get better with time. With our talks, I have faith it will get better." We are hopeful romantics. It doesn't do us any good.
@@Angelica2020 Hope is debilitating in these cases.
Same wirh me. We are not crazy. God blessed Dr. Ramidan
When she said “that’s why people are more likely to be eating foods from childhood and …” last night I watched two movies from my childhood. I even had a dream of my narcissistic ex last night. When I woke up I felt so sad. Then as the day went alone my mood completely perked up. After a great evening as I was driving down the road I thought of that ex again. And suddenly the sadness waved in again. So I turned to TH-cam to figure out how to stop missing him. And came across this. I feel better knowing I’m not alone
Back again… let’s see what I get out of it the second time
What helped me was writing down a list of negative interactions I had with my ex. I read it when I'm not feeling that great. Interactions where she was extremely immature, cold, cruel, lying, lacking empathy, blaming me, playing the victim. I always thought it was because she has Aspergers but now I know she's also a covert narc. Dr. Ramani's videos have helped me so much. Thank you!
They remind me of a psychological thriller movie, afterwards it replays in your head, makes you try to figure them out.
Give yourself credit, you're loving, compassionate and a high energy individual otherwise you wouldn't have attracted
these low energy parasites who lack what you have. Thank you, Dr. Ramani. 🌺
I miss her and I wish our fake relationship was real at times. I realized that I love her and love myself so much that it made more sense to let go. I handed it over to God because this is above me. I actually worry about her because the next person she deals with probably might handle it very differently....maybe in a violent way😔. I pray God watches over her
For anybody in the struggle remember you have support here and we love you!
🌷⚘🌼🌺🌻🦋🌹🥰🤗😊
I miss the person she was when I first met her but I realize she was just wearing a mask it wasn't really her I was spending time with it was her phesad .
SAME SCENARIO FOR ME.MANY PEOPLE HAVE TOLD ME I HAVE THE PATIENCE OF A SAINT.HER NEXT ENCOUNTER MAY BE AS YOU SAY,NOT SUCH GENTLENESS MAY BE USED....YES,WORRIED.😪
@@ericking4072 😭🤧I feel ya !
Yes, same here, guys. I am learning to let go and reminding myself that the hopes and dreams I had were with a person who never really existed. I fell in love with her mirroring, but then I tell myself that means that I actually fell in love with me.
@@taiticius hey man well at least we really know we love ourselves! 😆
After 9 months, I realise more and more she wasn't special, I see now how special I made her seem, the energy I gave her to work her image up. Now I'm thriving putting that energy to me. We are powerful
I am a practicing psychologist and managed to get myself embroiled in a relationship with a narcissist for almost 11 years, not my proudest accomplishment. I have, however, not only gotten out but I have turned meaning out of my suffering by studying everything I could find on NPD and passing on what I have learned to my ever growing list of clients who are involved with a narcissist. I thank you Dr. Ramani for all your wonderful support.
What a humble story to post and share. You will help a ton of people to not feel so bad. Thank you.
I was indeed missing that idiot and then this got recommended..thank you ..still in the healing process🙁
me too
Yes, this helped a lot
This helped me today too.
Are you getting better?
Same here. Just got a text asking to talk. And then this popped up when I was searching for a totally different video!!! Thanks be to God!
This is about to be a good one because I need to KNOW
I TRULY LOVED HER WITH MY ENTIRE BEING.15 OF MY BEST YEARS.I DO MISS WHEN SHE"ACTED"HUMAN.
“Missing your narcissist”. It’s like we are talking about a pet! This is perfect!
I’m watching for a friend. She went back to her narcissist during the pandemic-just like you mentioned. She missed him I guess. And forgot all the bad parts. It’s crazy how it’s so easy for people on the outside to see exactly what’s going on.
2 words.
Trauma bond, the narcissist secret pill to lure you in when you go no contact.
They’ll dangle a carrot and voila when you bite.
Run as fast as you can, never ever look back and move on w your life.
I know it’s easier said than done, but do it anyway and love yourself over anyone.
Praying for your speedy emotional healing.
Be kind to yourself.
Thank you
Thank you
Thank you😊
Yes
For me it’s always my brother, who always says “are you sure you’re not going to regret having mom and dad at your college graduation?” “Are you sure you don’t want to let them around your daughter?” It’s so hard for me to say “I’m sure!” I get tempted a lot but I have to remind myself that if they came to my college graduation it would ruin my day I worked so hard for because it would become about them, it would turn into a big fight, and I’m sad I can’t share special moments with my parents because I know they’re going to ruin them, I’m sure I don’t want them using my daughter as a pawn. I’m sure I don’t want my daughter being manipulated and my parenting being counteracted every step of the way and boundaries constantly being crossed as a parent if I let them around my innocent child she has to heal from her childhood too. I’m sad my daughter won’t have a traditional relationship with her grandparents. But I’m sure, and I’m going to die from stress if I keep going back. I almost had a heart attack at 20 and the ER doctor said I was the most young and fit patient he’d ever seen with that blood pressure where I almost went into cardiac arrest from my mom yelling at me. I’m 25 and just like “I walked away five years ago from an abusive romantic relationship because he was going to kill me and my parents are going to do the same if I go back” and it’s such a harsh realistic reminder. I always think back to 156/105. That’s the blood pressure I had as a fit 5’0ft 115pound, 20 year old woman because my mom “disowned” me for being abused by my ex for the 4th time. I have those numbers burned in my brain, the flashing monitor and the nurse calling a code to the closest doctor. The same hospital I was told I had one week to live if I hadn’t come in when my abusive ex put me there, I always remember the hospital when I miss them and asked if I’m “sure”. I’m sure.
Best piece of advice my Asperger dad gave me was, fill that time. with hobbies and others. He was spot on. :)
Thank you yet again Dr. Ramani. :) Blessings to you
(I called mine, The Shit List and kept it inside my kitchen cupboard door, so every time I felt lonely or had a flashback, I would look over the list of awful things he had done to me. I would look across to the other list of goals for the next month etc. and refocus.)
Inside my kitchen cupboard door is a drawing of him I did, of a POS covered in glitter.
@@ab-kh4hm Lol!! Now that's a mental image! I like it :) Nicely done.
River Smith,I have to try this
@@dhanyaslifeventure All the best to you Shilpa. :)
River Smith this is genius and hilarious
I miss the man I first met. The man that acted like he loved and cared about me. I don’t know the man that dumped me
I only miss the feel of another humans touch. Even a simple hug. It’s devastatingly crippling.
I agree .....I miss hugging which he hated.....
The nostalgia for the good times, especially before the abusive behavior started, is so strong. I know our memories about good times are misleading as they leave out all the bad stuff. Often good times were not as good as we remember them. I saved this video to watch again.
Agreed.Same.
Love this comment. Right on point.
It’s hard because we used to spend the summers together and he was the first guy that always made me feel relaxed. Now he drives his new supply around like it’s nothing. Totally just weird. People that don’t grieve things and act like nothing happened, crazy.
my Nex was on dating apps (my friend showed me) less than 2 weeks after he discarded me. I'm a year out and still no desire to date.
Flaura Energy It’s so hard. When you feel your soul fill with love from you and only you, that is the true power of “moving on” and healing. These people don’t move on they just fill a void. You are the baddest bitch don’t let anyone tell you different.
@@skelellele4256 well said :) the love was from me. xo
Yes, it is hard to understand how they move on so quickly while we take so long to heal. It has been 6 moths and I have no desire to date and healing feels like forever
Same I miss getting spoiled and riding around with him hanging out now its someone else 😪
I keep coming back to this video to stop myself from reaching out to them
this is the first time I've heard trauma bonding explained so well. it's that tangle. and for me, it's almost like giving up causes me to feel a higher level of despair and sadness because the hope for that person and the potential must die. What I saw is replaced by 'the most toxic relationship from hell in all of my life" and then the guilt for trying to fix it. I wish there was a database to report these people because they are criminal in my mind.
Euphoric recall sounds like a drug addiction, so our parents exposed us to a psychological addiction that carried over into adulthood, so much for mental health at the homestead.
Thank you, good to know that its natural for our brain to get a person in that state, because i was really scared of myself after a long term stress was over, it exploded)))
I was with him over 20 years, had 3 kids and a family, it wasn't always a horrible time. We had some great times, but intertwined and twisted bad times. Omgosh, Dr. Ramani was correct in the fact I spent sooo much time trying to decipher his moods or figure out like a puzzle if it would be a good or bad day. The euphoric recall, YESS!! Trauma bonding, all of it. When does the missing stop? I'm sick of wishing, hoping, hating....
country lovin' blue eyed and broken , Almost exactly my story. I was blindsided after 20 years with the discard. Jekyll and Hyde overnight. I don’t miss him. I miss the person he pretended to be. I grieve the loss of what I thought I had, who he was, and the father the children thought they had.
@@gigibtsurvivor3348 yes!! He went to jail after strangling me and 2 hours later had his long term girlfriend bail him out!! Wth..I was just trying to work past an affair he got caught in at work...but find out he's been seeing this one for on again off again a couple of years...I'm shattered.
@@gigibtsurvivor3348 I think it was the other way around!! No f respect for her self and me
@@gigibtsurvivor3348 When you realise the man You loved never existed, what you fell for was a fake image created by a narc, and he couldn’t keep the image up all the time, so the bad days were his true colours.
The hurt and hate do go away with time. You will eventually feel at peace. My narcissist was my little brother and it took 45 years for me to realize I had to stay away from him, 45 years of believing he was God's gift to humanity. I grieved for years, but at last I can think of him without all that anguish all the time. It will happen for you, too. Stay strong.
Thank you for this video! I saw her driving around with her new supply and thought I am grateful that is not me in a constant state of stress, anxiety, and fear about what is coming next, the love/affection, sex or the rage, criticism and abandonment. That feeling of being made to feel worthless and never enough. All I thought about was the devalue and discard stage that he is probably experiencing right now. I was not jealous of him or her, but felt sorry for him.
I miss the person he could have been!
I always remember the good things with them and when that's happened I have to look for some bad evidence to help me heal
Eka Yumna that’s what we had done to survive to look at the crumbs and ignore all the big bad red flags..major blind spots as kids..just looking for the little crumbs while ignoring all the bad stuff..
Same here. Making “ the shit we put up with “ list , helps.
I do this too and it helps
I feel like sometimes because he twisted things around in the relationship I personally felt like I was the narcissist myself. I was angry and acting like someone else. I am low key, honest, and caring. He felt entitled and I should bow down to him. After he cheated I punched him in the stomach, see not like anything I would have done. I finally put on my big girl pants and walked away. True though I have a difficult time emotionally detaching myself after 30 yrs. I guess one can not change over night. God knows I did the right thing and I deserve so much better!
I have discovered a little trick that helps me: instead of saying to myself, “I miss (his name), I say out loud “I miss my abuser”. Hearing that sick (and true) statement wakes me right up and keeps me straight
Everything you're saying is so true. So true that I have to watch this in small doses.
I am so pleased to know I am not been stupid to by missing him. Even after putting up with him in an unhappy marriage of 45 yrs. Wow it's a relief
Its hard to move forward to a better life at the age of 68. But I am beginning to belief in myself everyday little by little. Love been able to share in this programme.
Peace & love to you. I’m 60 & starting over. Trying to heal.
I was with one for 35 years he passed away five months ago and I'm trying to move forward but it's so hard I just keep thinking of all the things he did and I was not aware .
@@irenemartins7563 My heart goes out to you.
In conjunction to watching these videos, writing the list of toxic incidents and behaviours has been an incredible tool to prevent me from blaming and gaslighting myself. Thank you so much
Same. Especially when he got into a new relationship and I felt like he was going to be happy with someone else but I kept looking at my list and I knew she's going to see all these things in time too.
SO NONI exactly! It’s so validating
I've got years and years worth of sad journal entries... It quickly SOBERS you right up!!!!
This video just saved me from texting him .. your compassion about this feeling that I am ashamed to feel has removed the shame of missing the intimacy we had ( relationship only lasted about 1 intense month )
It has already been a month since I gave him the hint that he wasn’t welcome in my home anymore and he discarded himself - thank goodness !!
He doesn’t communicate with me at all .. I am trying to date but can’t get intimately close to anyone at this time … .. the grieve over what we had in that category is too deep ..
This video has given me strength without shame & I appreciate you so much ..
i listen to your videos almost daily .. you are a blessing to us Dr. Ramani
The queen of expressions Dr. Ramani👏👏
I learnt to start distancing myself from toxic relationships since 2015....today at this date I have no one around me but only one friend and lots of mental peace.
I try to make new relationships wherever I go but very soon get disappointed finding the red flags🚩. But for sure with time it's easier to get rid of such toxic people and move on after feeling sad for someday. If I ask myself do I miss any of them now.... I do but never wanna get back to any of those. It's hard but life is becoming better with each passing day. I keep reminding myself why I left those people to not fall back into that vicious cycle of Gaslighting, chaos and confusion. If to live in Peace and with freedom means being alone, I happily choose to be alone forever. Being alone is better than being lonely. 🙂🦋🌺
Yes
Same as you my friend
She made me lose my job and all the friends I had back then.
I am on my own now without any friends but much more time to fully reflect on everything
@@swiftacademy7862 I really wish we would have not cared so much about others. It really hurts to be discarded looking at them like we never existed. They're not even worth in our thoughts for a second but they shaped our life for good or bad.
@@NS-uq9st yeah true.
Hi Dr Ramani. I don't miss the narc, I miss what I thought he was in the beginning. The places we went, the things we did together, the LOVE I thought we both shared. All this was like a fantasy! That's what I missed. They are a MASTER of disguise, smooth talkers, great love bombers, etc. That's what I missed. I thought I had a man that really loved me and was engaged to marry. I could not go thru that again. 11 years out and I don't think about that anymore except for in these rooms. It makes you go back in time. When our favorite songs come on the radio, yes, I think of him, but NOT in the same way I used to. 11 years is a long time, and TIME does heal.
I miss all of those things too. 4 months out..
I lived this. She took up so much space and time. I had no clue what narcissism was until a close friend who works in medicine (surgeon) sent me your videos and she checked all the boxes. I don’t think she’ll ever find anyone who can be a “servant”. It’s an amazing feeling when you finally break free and educate yourself.
Yes, I agree.
Thank you for this!! Watching you is like sitting down with a good friend who encourages, but has SUCH healing and helpful information. You have helped me, like right now. My anxiety has slipped away. So true, I miss the future that was promised, I miss that 1 percent of amazing fun inside of the stress of fighting and ignoring. Yes, my dad was like that, he was stressful, angry, impossible to please, then we had moments of fun. He took us on trips, restuarant, camping, ocean, beach. Wow.
I picked someone just like my dad.
🙄😐😑😶😄
I have been really missing him lately, and it has been 14 months free of him. I thought that I was healed...
I so hear you. It's been exactly the same with me. Thank goodness for Dr Ramani. Her videos always help clear the narcissist's fog and I can see clearly. Keep hanging in there. We will get through this.
Here's what I find so interesting about the trauma bond? I used to have nightmares that I was in my former house with my ex and the kids, but the key word here is NIGHTMARE. I'd wake up in a cold sweat and then feel so grateful that I wasn't there anymore. We had four kids together and we were together for decades, how could you not miss the idealized version you hoped for when you entered into a relationship with hope and love. You don't miss the narc, you miss the person you fell in love with (who was putting on a show). These videos have helped me to never doubt my gut feelings again and to recognize the bad behavior I see in others. I don't need to call the person out, I just make a mental note and think "I've seen that before and I know that nothing positive will come from engagement with this person." Grey rock sequence activated. Lol. God bless Dr. Ramani.
Brilliant analysis there!
For me, it was never a roller coaster ride - I felt loved and protected for almost 15 years - he was so attached to me … until almost over night he wasn’t anymore. The Discard was swift - he took money, he cheated, and now I am the worst person on Earth. The narcissistic patterns didn’t emerge until this last phase …. How could he be so good for so long and then change overnight?
I think I missed the high-lows that I had being involved with this guy for so long. I found myself longing for closure at times that I tried to stop talking to him. I wanted to clear the air, but everytime I'd get back in contact, of course we wouldn't see eye to eye because he never admit to his wrong doing and then I'd just end up upset and wounded after he might've cursed me out or otherwise spoke harshly to me. He would contact me after attempts at no contact too and I would give in. He was horrible, but I was addicted and am still trying to completely kick the craving. I went through alot with this guy, even though we were never committed. He did string me along/future fake at certain points to lead me to think there would be more.
Brownwoman ofGod sounds like my monster
Exact same thing with me. I wish they never entered our lives at all. Or some magic pill could erase our memory of them for good
I'm going through something similar now. I think I want closure, but I know he won't give me that. I've tried blocking him, but it never lasts. I feel guilty/sad... because I know he has abandonment issues and I do too. I don't want to just disappear without saying goodbye. I know if I speak my truth, he will somehow make it all my fault... but really there is no blame here. It is what it is... and that's so hard for me to accept. I'm just an option to him, but to me he's someone special. That will never change. He will never see my value, no matter how hard I try...
@@SkyePhoenix Your post sounds like I could have written it myself. I understand exactly what you are going through and, trust me, they don't care. It would be in your best interest to change your number or move away. Not to say that those solutions will be an automatic fix, but it'll get you started. I wish I would've let my narc go sooner. Sometimes I wander how much further along I'd be if I would've cut him loose sooner, but then again, we have to have compassion on ourselves too. Wounded people attract each other, but.that doesn't mean it's right.
This is so helpful. I do not miss him. I miss the dream and the illusion of what I hoped we could be.
It destroys me how much I miss him. I have no life now. I have to rebuild myself. He was the centre of my life. All I ever wanted was him. My life revolves around him. I wish the lies and abuse never happened because I still love him 💔
This sums up my past relationship si well... it's so sad how a person treating you so bad can affect you so much a long time after it's over :(
Missing them is like missing having a root canal. Both are a pain that can leave you broke on many different levels. No thanks.
With her for 23 years. The last 10 were terrible. I've been away for over 2 years now. I still miss her because it was really good for the first 7. I don't blame myself for missing her. I'm a human who actually loved her.
I can't even describe how badly I needed to watch this today. I've had therapy and EMDR treatments but I still feel haunted by him, especially in my dreams. It's so painful.
Dang... I just started seeing a new person and was just having this conversation with my best friend. I was telling her that I know cognitively my relationship was bad, but I was REALLY struggling because all I could remember were the good parts. After a heart to heart with her and watching this video, I feel a lot better.
I needed to see this video. I was married to a narcissist for 13 years. Divorced him and still stayed with him after the divorce for another 7 years. I've allowed him in my space. Now that he's moved on, I know it's a good thing. He talks negative about me to the kids. I can't imagine what's he saying to his girlfriend about me. These videos are really helping me heal.
How are you Patty?? How are things going? Sending love and blessings your way ♡♡♡
I haven't missed any narcissist or had new relapses ever since I've managed to carve in my head that 1- the good times and wonderful promises were ALL fake and empty 2- narcissists do NOT change, so no point wondering or hoping that they might get better with time or an umpteenth chance 3- I've filled my life with healthier persons and relationships, self love, genuine good times, and the narc experiences don't even compare. Checking those 3 boxes took me quite some time though ! I did spend a lot of time ruminating and obsessing and analyzing... then learned intensively on channels such as yours, which has been CRUCIAL. Maybe not by squeezing the time that is definitely needed to process all that, but *securing* that progression with the assurance that I'm on the right path and making sense of the past. No more relapses since I listen to you. Your work is, without any doubt, literally as well as metaphorically saving lives. I could never thank you enough, and I keep recommending your work to people around me.
Thank you SO MUCH for this. It is exactly what I needed to hear. I’m so glad I found this video. It has really helped me start to turn things around. Truly. Thank you, Dr Ramani. ❤️❤️
I review the list of how I was poorly treated, how I was lied to( frequently), and how I felt with 👹 overall...and that "missing 👹 feeling" removes itself from my mind🤯...😌 Thank you ✌🏽!
Not only do I already have an addictive personality and boy oh boy was I addicted to him, but I had a dozen good years before things got weird, and so many happy memories and good feelings from back then. He’s connected to happy times in my life, to memories about other friends.
I’m lucky that it got dysfunctional just in the last couple years, and I was able to get out relatively quickly.
My therapist and I talk about him being two people... the real guy I don’t speak to any more, and the imaginary guy who brought so much joy to my life.
I NEEDED THIS!!! Thank you!! COVID has made me miss the narcissist ex even though I ended it. Always thinking about the “good” but need to remind myself the 80% 💩 I had to go through. In turn, isolation has made me love myself to be by myself again.
I miss the narcissist today so thank you for the reminder as to why I should not
I realized it's like Stockholms syndrome... women who've been held hostage and horribly abused and then set free sometimes feel sad for the abuser and sorry for them and then to help with the trauma they remember what "nice" times or times when the abuser did something decent for them. It's a way of trying to heal or make it "not so bad" and I know these relationships aren't so extreme as those young girls or women held hostage... not as severe but the mental aspects of the experiences and behaviors is similar. Be careful, cautious and so honest with oneself is very key and I personally can't always be so nice to myself for what I want or wish or what goes on in me. I have to also use tough love. Those of us in these relationships especially since childhood spend so much time, effort, care and put so much work into these wishing, wanting, hoping, maybe-ing, negotiating, and feeling things that weren't true nor that we could actually do. Careful of the things happening in the world that are upsetting, sad or how there's emotional attachments to the view. Neutrality, objective observing and "it is what it is" and I didn't create, cause, make it happen nor am I at all responsible for it, nor is my consciousness "like that" at all to that degree. Careful of the "either/or ways too as tho theres only 2 opposing choices. ❤
I need this right now. My brain is trying to make me think of only the good times and I’m fighting the temptation to break NC.
Tom Cruise’s Middle Front Tooth don’t do it. You can stay strong. A lot of us are fighting back that temptation but we’re not in it alone
Steph G thank you. I keep making myself remember our last phone call before I ghosted. 🤞🏻
S O S be strong try not think bout it every time it comes your mind pray to God it will help you you didn’t do nothing is narcissistic gaslighting good luck May God make you easy Amen
My advice is don't do it. Hang in there, ride the tide and it will pass. It gets better and better. I wasted a lot of time going back (more than once) it was the definition of insanity "doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result." I felt like a fool each time. The last time I just had enough. Future faking kept me in the game a little longer. It got to the point, I just didn't want that toxicity in my life and didn't want to be around him any longer; I began to get physically ill around him and then the anxiety of his presence.
I am in a healthier environment. No poison.
I saw a comment on another one of her videos where someone suggested making a list of all the bad things the person did and said to you over the course of your relationship.
I did it and wow - first, it made me a little sad to see all the things I accepted and put up with. But second what it did was give me something concrete to look at every time I feel like giving in and breaking no contact.
I suggest you make yourself a list so that every time you feel like reaching out, you can look at it and remember 1) why you went no contact and 2) all of the things that you will not accept ever again. That list will instantly get rid of any feelings of “missing” that person - well most of them anyway lol
Euphoric recall also known as abuse amnesia.
Exactly. Slightly off topic, but I was recently thinking about old friends who at one point were married to abusive bullies, and these spouses then happened to pass away. Years later, still all these posts about "my loving, wonderful husband," who I recall hearing about was such a jerk on the daily. I realized my friends were cherry picking "good times," but I didn't realize it had a name.
Thank for everything I’ve been watching you videos for 3 years and after the final disregard and watching the illusion collapse from a distance, I’m here, the illusion is just thank. And I got a therapist and learned more about myself, I am not a narcissist, and when the theater lights turn on, you realize that it’s just that a stage. We love you and thank you.
Thank you for saying we don't miss them. I will try to think of it that way. We miss all the effort we put into them. That's also what makes me sad and angry my narc did improve with my support and some new girl will get all the benefits that I missed out on in the first year, and will get a better version of him. Although he's still a low to moderate level narc and covert. If Miss Next isn't as knowledgeable as me, she may not figure him out for many years.
This whole video is right on point, including that feeling like your skin is getting ripped off. Before getting too nostalgic, I remind myself of all the things that I DON'T miss. I always say that the good stuff doesn't excuse the bad stuff... if things were actually good, the relationship would not have gotten to a breaking point in the first place. Vampires sure do get in your head!
Right on there at the end
Love that phrase. "Twisted nostalgia".
Linda Weedmark,You are absolutely gorgeous 🌹🌹🥀,hope you are not with a narc 😈 in your life!
My mom who was pretty abusive did the whole future faking thing that I didn't even realize is what drew me to my ex in the first place. My mom often made empty promises that were never fulfilled. My ex did this too where if we just "got through this" together then we'd finally be winning at life. Thank you for helping me come to terms with this.
I really appreciate you as I am going through a divorce and believe that my wife may be a narcissist or a person with strong narcissistic tendencies. I was trying to make it work for us and our kids, but it appears that it isn’t going to work. Your videos have been insurmountable on my road to recovery. It still hurts, but I feel I may be healing. I believe she has moved on as well and it has only been about 6 weeks since she filed for divorce. It hurts and sucks.
I miss the person he was during the lovebombing/ mirroring phase. He presented himself as incredibly romantic and spiritual and we could talk for hours, and he future faked like CRAZY a grand future for us together.... it's hard to realise that person doesn't exist, and never existed at all, it was just an act.
EXACTLY! Stay strong. We're in the same boat and you are not alone.
Con Artists! I often remember all the fake good so often. Going no contact has helped me greatly. Plus I remember finding the hotel credit card charge I found. He was hooking up on my dad’s birthday. I can’t forget that memory. Keeps me clear💪
John Finley hugs
Kyle Parker yikes!!! I mean they are incredible aren’t they. I’ve gone no contact but I find myself looking at his social media way too often - something I don’t normally do and isn’t healthy. Dr Ramani is right, it is like an addiction and I have to keep reminding myself of the reality!
@@eboli7146 Hugs back, friend.
Never miss my narcissistic I’m so happy and blessed that he isn’t around thanks to God
You ain't lying, cause when my ex wife would get home from her corporate job , once the clanking of ice hitting a crystal glass rang throughout the house and libations were consumed, you never knew what personality would rear its "lovely " head!😅
Thank you so much for all your wisdom and empathy. I have learned so much from your videos.
She is amazing isn't she her voice is so soothing to my soul it really is I think it's because she was the first person that I ever heard about NPD it's been 2 years and I listen to her everyday I would really like to meet her one day and thank her in person but I don't have much time😢 take care of yourself and be happy.
Posted in good timing. I was having my moments of really missing him last week. I was even going to arrange to see him on Sunday. I forced myself to not pick up the phone and call or text. I made it through the week and feel better that I didn’t cave and repeat the cycle.
Never missed her for one second.
Great video and great advice, I will try pull my life back and never miss him.
Now, I know the answers to the question I’ve needed answers to. Thank you and I am so glad to have found your videos and I have been binge watching and listening carefully to all your explanations. I’m feeling like a human again.
"At this particular time of crisis": yes.
But then, when I go back to reading some old conversations between us that I kept, all I can think is, thank God I managed to get out of that mess.