What to do if you only remember the good parts of a narcissistic relationship?
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It's so painful to admit to yourself it was all a lie.
Or, we were duped !
@@adam-bailey yeah :( even though they want love too, but just can't it, which is sad
Yes, I think it's the most difficult part. It results in self-loathing. Self-loathing then euphoric recall then been hoovered back, then all sucked back in. So, if we notice this, see the reality, we won't be hoovered back.
Yep...that was the most painful thing I had to fully accept.
@@samanthachen496 yep! I just recently resisted and overcame the hoover for the first time ever! It did leave me with a few days of fighting against this very thing (euphoric recall) again. But I did it!!!
It’s because the covert narcissist looks weak, depressed, vulnerable, needy and even kind. They are completely 2-faced.
Yes indeed. The secret about it is that covert narcissists are "starving" for narcissistic supply. The moment they get some supply, even if only for a short time, they behave as overt narcissists until the supply runs out, at which time they go back to being covert.
@@danielkaiser8971 you just described my daughter!!!! Very insightful!
Yes, This Exactly. Portray a lost Soul who was hurt, mistreated and neglected. With the Love Bombing new Supply, they seem Perfect. I fell for it, new Supply is in it now.
Sad stories and women ready to give give give Everything. All Lies. They are very calculating in their choices.
r u talking about my mom
Yes they do!!!!
Writing was crucial to my healing. I had severe euphoric recalls back when I was with my ex and many times what stopped me from going back was reading my old journals. I wrote it ALL, my feelings, the struggle, things he said to me. I would precisely write what he said with quotes. And one thing that always surprises me is how much we forget as time goes by. I had forgotten so many mean things he had said and done to me. I would highly recommend keeping a journal. It also helped me strengthen my relationship with myself. Because I know now, whenever I read those journals, that I wasn't crazy. It all happened. It was not me making him to be a monster in my head. It's all there and it's an amazing tool to prevent the euphoric recall.
Please write a book. I thought mean people were mean but now I know what a narcissist is. You are a survivor!!!
So relatable.
I wrote in a journal sometimes until I discovered my ex was reading it, then I'd try to write positive things about them in it, also trying to convince myself. The day before I left I had an erratic journal entry and just vented so much on it, looked like I was spiraling lol.
I don't know how many people had items just dissapear? I know even though he has a Po box my bank card never came...my favorite hat dissapeared in his tiny home..boots from Amazon I ordered never came lol
I had to do this! And I'm so glad someone else did too.
I NEEDED an outside source to validate what I was seeing and so writing in my journal and then reading it back was just like a friend kind looking out for me.
"Relationships are everything that happens in between the moments." Solid Gold!!
Nice !!!!
Yes! Words to live by!
I audibly said “whoa” when she said that
Truth. When I think back on my narc relationship, I can barely remember what happened between the moments. Because there was really nothing there TO remember.
Phenomenal!!! Perfectly described
Start taking note of everything they say and do and refer to it often. This will help you when you are dealing with cognitive dissonance- two conflicting beliefs.
YES. This. I wish I had did this but keeping texts are a good method too.
Excellent suggestion to avoid gaslighting. And you could record them.
I did do this too. To keep me reminded.
It also helps seeing that the good is usually engineered for manipulation by the narcissists vs motivated by authentic love.
Erika Valerie Spot on! Much of the “good” in my experience was nothing more than a manipulation to get what she wanted in the moment. What’s really sad is if she would have told me what she “needed” I would have most likely provided what I could out of love and caring. We don’t need to be manipulated to fulfill the needs of those we love.
When I filed for divorce, the first 3 months were absolute hell. I thought I would surely die of a broken heart. All I thought about was the beginning. Even though the last 4 years were absolute hell. My hair started falling out, I was so exhausted I was falling asleep at work and while driving. My health was failing. The stress he was putting me through was quite literally killing me. Finally, I am myself again. I am happy again. I love life again. Now all I remember is the bad. And it was mostly BAD.
*Remember the devil never shows up in horns and cape but all you ever wished for.* Remind yourself you are worthy of true Love n Respect and let the Narc dumpster dive alone. #ThanksDrTruth💊
Agreed!!
This is so true.
So true!!
I've done this too many times! It is the main reason I watch the narc videos, to keep my mind on the reality of the relationship that's taken me down. Thank you for the great advice & letting me know I'm not totally alone, or ignorant.
Anne Marie Taube you’re definitely NOT alone. I still have to watch vids and keep reminding my self of what is REAL. I hope one day the missing him stops for good. I believe it will happen with effort and time.
100% you are definitely not alone
Coz of the same exact reason...I watch these videos again and again ,so that I don't forget the reality
Try and teach everyone you can about this type of personality.
Same here. I do get irritated at times that I have to listen to these videos everyday to remind myself I’m not insane instead of getting to just live my life and focus on the things I love. It feels like my narc is still winning.
I was ruminating over the "good' times.
I'm now remembering all of the physical abuse, disrespect, lies and neglect.
I admit I miss the good part I saw in them. It is like grieving death.
The good part is the part that we have that we see in them
Me too.
Same
Exactly. Currently going through this.
thats exactly how i explain it to my friends!!! i feel like im grieving the death of a different person that he no longer is anymore. its excruciating.
I went from a gun to my head just last year to being the most content I’ve ever been in my life. Even with the hardships I have now, Life is so much better without Narcissists.
🏆 xoxo
Just goes to show that these people are freakin' DANGEROUS!!!!!
Beth Tyler Please talk to someone who can help. I have been in this same position and I am so happy that I didn’t take my life. It is a possibility for you too.
So glad you got out and are healing 💚
♥️♥️♥️
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If you get her email notifications And access her video straight from the email link, you will never have to watch an ad!
gethteddy I agree really like the messages but can’t handle the ads ads ads
Step one: watch 3-5 of Dr. Ramani’s videos
Step two: make a list of all the bad things that happened in your relationship
Step three: take a deep breath and exhale the frustration, and then go about your day
Emily Nicole amen!
Sometimes 5 mins is enough. Sometimes it is even too much.
Great vids. Not so great feelings.
Having grown up with a deeply narcissistic mother, I realise that my version of euphoric recall is totally twisted. What I consider to be her being really nice is actually just the days she didn’t go into a rage. It’s not a utopia. It was just being treated vaguely normally for a day. These weren’t amazing times they were just lapses between abuse. Thinking fondly about trivial moments shouldn’t be necessary. No contact gives so much clarity and freedom.
@@heidihgreen you are precisely right!! My 12 and 14 year old grandsons can attest to this from their Mom. Sooooo sad!!!
Yes, you explained it well, I will think of it like that from now on.
I also grew up with a narcissistic mother. This was one of her signature phrases: "remember the good times!" It was a distractor from the self-absorption.
This is an amazing way of explaining it. It makes me think of my relationship. The times that he was being nice, they weren't amazing, they were just "lapses between abuse". This is perfectly said. My narc was not a wonderful man when he wasn't causing causing me pain or abusing my mental health, he was just simply NOT abusing me but at the same time wasn't doing anything even remotely special or being extra nice to me. I'm screenshoting your comment because this is something we can not forget. We can't put someone on a pedestal and have euphoric recalls of times that they were simply doing the bare minimum.
Dear God in heaven help the poor soul in euphoric recall! Brain washing in its highest form.
When I start feeling euphoric recalls, I just whip out my list of bad things they've done to me and it helps a lot
Remembering the good things is holding onto “HOPE” PEOPLE IF YOU WATCHING...... LET THAT “HOPE” GOOOOOOO!!!!!!! BUH BYE!!!!! 💃🏻
Lol..true!!
Remember the GOOD things?!?!? Get real, lady! They were so few and far, FAR between, I can't think of any! Of course, my narcissist was highly malignant! It killed anything good before it could be cured!!
Richard Grannon said please do not become a 'Malignant Hopeful' individual when it comes to a narcissistic personality dis-ordered person, i felt that, finally!
In these situations, Hope is a con.
@ JD Jones
Make a list of all the bad features of the toxic relationship and read it several times a day, like a bible. Worked for me, I hope it can work for you.
Good luck.
I was this way during the initial years of the marriage, and believed I had done something to ruin the connection. I kept trying harder to please and ended up blurring my boundaries and giving up my rights till there was none left, up to the point of discard. The brutal discard jolted me out of my delusion. All good times were just me pretending that everything was ok. I had been gaslighting myself in order to survive and glossed things over to protect my children from the dysfunctional family setup.
I went thru the same. Protecting my child from divorce, pretending everything was not that bad ... I left after 18 years of marriage. It was too much .
@@Frances-nx3zx I can completely relate. I'm in the midst of this right now. 17 years of marriage and 4 kids.... I was distracted enough to pretend I could handle it all and the "image" was better than the reality. We just separated. He has been "perfect" since then. I'm very glad you are on the other end as I keep getting thrown off by the "perfect" and the happy memories which was why this video was helpful. All the best to you.
Your story is my story.....sad
I want the anger to go away though...I feel like it's rotting me from the inside to keep remembering the abuse.
Euphoric recall is hitting me HARD man. It’s a struggle. Praying for those dealing with similar emotions/energy.
🤗🤗
Thanks.
I get flashbacks of the good times with the narcissist. But then I realize it was all fake. The narcissist knew they had know intentions of remaining in a long term relationship. It was about getting me to lower my defenses and creating a false sense of security so that she can come on in and take everything like a burglar having the key to the store they are robbing. There’s no sense of grieving over a fake manipulationship
I have no contact with my ex narcissist for 7 mths now but I too get flashbacks of the good times. However those were all fake ...n rembering about how badly he treated me keeps my mind on track and never fall for his BS again 😃
Haha "manipulationship"! Someone on another channel called it "relationshit" 😄
Neva lower your guard 💯 that’s the lesson !!
Pam T dam did we all suffer a paid a terrible price . May you find peace you deserve
You still need to grieve the relationship you thought you had. It is like grieving a death.
I cannot express how grateful I am for your knowledge and this specific channel. Thank you!! I live inside euphoric recall almost everyday since my 12 year marriage ended 1 year ago and it’s been nothing but torture . Learning about my own problems has helped tremendously because of this info.
I do this all the time.
Me too! It's hard
You are in the right place. Find out everything you can about narcissism. You will be grateful you are out.Money is not worth it.
Writing the list of all the wrong is life changer and can help you stay 100% true no contact!
Move on!
My spirit keeps telling me to do this! so I dont just gaslight myself with the "good" and have actual evidence.
@@SkyeDash do it now and stop playin 😐. You're missing out on your blessing by holding on. Wish them well (in your mind) and let them go
Add to the list as you think of more stuff (you will) and refer back to it as needed.
N O C O N T A C T ! !
Did that too ... 60 pages and not done yet
Gilmourish Gilmourish crazy isn’t it. I printed out 63 pages (in case lawyer needs notes, I started a part 2 which is shaping up to be just as long and I’ve gone through old emails that all the therapists had told me to get rid of because ‘they’ll leave me stuck in the past’.
NoMo Narcs : no mails .. he doesn’t even have a computer. All my memories
It's like seeing a mirage in the desert ... sure does look like water ... but the closer you get the more you realize it was not real.
Thank you Dr Ramani. I've just got out of a narcissistic relationship, my ex is hoovering me now. Saying how much she regrets all the name callings and tantrums, how different I am from her previous relationships, she's willing to change, etc. I have been having hard time to go no contact because of the trauma bond, but I am slowly moving forward. Most of the time I only remember the good parts, but then I read back all the mean texts she has sent me and I remember why I left in the first place. Thank you for giving me the support to be able to get out of this relationship. I wouldn't be able to do it without all your helpful videos.
You can do this!
She's amazing, a real blessing at a time I so needed too!💙
Strength on sugar, you're at mid-way doing fantastic! Put that leach in the need to compost part of your brain, it'll dilute with each toilet 🚽 flushes and happier coming flashes!
Do NOT GO BACK!
You would regret it for the rest of your life!
You are free now. Ignore her, be completely no contact, no texts, take her off your social media. Everything!
You need to heal. Do not be afraid to remind yourself how terrible she was. The truth will heal you, lying to yourself will destroy you.
Stay strong and free!
I have been out of my narcissistic relationship for 2 years now and I still struggle with this monthly... today was a particularly bad day and this was the first video I saw on my TH-cam feed. Really needed this.
The thing is that I don’t really remember the good parts. The bad parts are more a part of my memory. The abuse, stalking, gaslighting, lying, and then the Family Court drama...How could I ever forget such awful experiences?
You don’t. Use them to remind yourself how good it is that it is over and you are free now❤️🙏
Same here. I imagine once I am finally free of him I might remember the good things.... but really, the secrets and lying and cheating and gaslighting, the endless circular arguments, the justifications and excuses and broken promises, future faking and blameshifting, smearing and character assassination and so on.... kind of outweights the times when we laughed and had fun. And anyway, when I do think back on the good times, I was the one who initiated them! Not him. I was the one who brought the fun, and he was the one who eventually drained me to the point where the fun was gone.
I used to make a list of good things, trying to see the good and the positiveness of what it was. Guess what, for each + I was pouring many many minuses and negativeness that followed right after. I was stunned!
@@DeborahLArmstrong Hi Deborah i can identify with what have you shared. Im glad you are free. Healing and self love that is the way to go.
Yes I definitely still do it . The charming parts of their personality got you to begin with....
Yes.
Me too! Dr. Ramani perfectly described my narc as: charming, confident and charismatic plus add to that extremely intelligent.... and a great kisser. that’s all that keeps coming to my mind . 🤦🏻♀️ but he was a pathological liar and master in Gaslighting me. Broke my heart twice 😢
Thank you Dr. Ramani, you are my morning wake-up call! Prior to separating from my husband I not only experienced euphoric recall I made it my full time job trying to create situations where we had "perfect, special moments" to recall later. I planned extensive travel so I could keep our relationship in a bubble, a bubble he was a better person in.
You are releasing video topics in accordance with exactly what im going through. Its almost scary but its so helpful. Im the king of euphoric recall.. Thank you for making me aware of what im doing and how to change it
Same here, so glad that I found this community though. It has made the healing process a little easier
@@hillarystroughter804 sometimes they are painful to watch in the moment but when I work past that hurt it is helping me to heal and to understand
Nailed it!!! "Euphoric Recall".... Make a list!!! You need to have someone remind you that the person you put on a pedestal, does not belong there!!!
That's easy. I'm having trouble recalling any good things about that relationship.
Please be repetitive, it helps! The suggestions are good and hearing it over and over makes me remember what to do
Yeah! I do. It's been 2 years after we broke up and I still recall all the good things of my relationship with my narcissist ex-boyfriend. I try really hard to overcome this. It's easy at all.
Watching the birth of my son, telling her it was a boy, seeing the fear in her eyes as he struggled for breath and the Doctor's went to work on him, seeing her later hold him in tears, kissing him and telling him how much she loved him. - Later she would walk out on him, and me. (He is high functioning Autism).
When you think you have shared equally with someone the most sacred, defining thing in your life, you do make all the excuses for the abuse, neglect, invalidation and betrayal that comes after. You ask yourself the question, did they ever feel any of it? Like a child opening a toy at Christmas perhaps they did. But what was felt was not what I felt. You are correct, it was a moment, but the relationship happened in between. Have never heard it articulated in such a way. For all the healing my son and I have gone through, that simple truth helps. Another step forward. Thank you.
Answer: I watch Dr Ramani videos 😁
Was with a covert narc for 10 weeks... Made me Ill mentally
I was tired all the time and couldn't work out why I was so down and actually avoided wanting to see her.
Anyway broke it off with her... Blocked her etc and I feel relieved. Have got Tramua bonding but I think I got away lightly.
Journaling and speaking to friends explaining about it helps/helped so much
Good luck to anyone
just to notify: you wrote 10 weeks instead of 10 years. a typo
When you end it when they don't want to, you feel guilty
True. But then I remember all the evil and betrayal she committed against me and then all the guilt goes away!
True for sure but then I remind myself that he didn’t do his part and there was so much instability ,
So true Purvi
Spot on..
True but now I’m trying to think he made me end it with his behaviour
Dr Ramani, you're so comfortable talking to us that I forget you're talking to a camera :). You're a lovely lady and a huge help - thank you :).
quote of the century: 'Those are just moments. Relationships are everything between THOSE moments"
"Relationships are actually everything that happens in between the moments"... How true, Dr Ramani!
I remind myself if it was meant to be and if it’s a truly loving, healthy relationship all of this wouldn’t be happening.
I still do it, especially when I am feeling lonely. I've been single for 6 years now. I'm wise enough to know that when I have the thoughts of euphoria about the Narcs who have been in my life, I ask myself the question, "What do I need right now? How am I feeling?" 100% of the time I am lonely and wanting companionship. I've been out of my most recent narc relationship for 6 years and I still reflect in a nostalgic kind of way when I am lonely because the good parts of it was we did have fun together, but the bad parts out weight that good part and I just need to keep reminding myself of that. These patterns are engrained so deep. My family of origin was narcissistic. These are patterns that I work on, on a daily basis so not to engage with narcs. I get better and better at it, but I don't let my guard down, which is my boundary. I have to maintain that. I don't give a shit what anyone says about it or me. It's a deal breaker if you cross a certain boundary. I have to keep them that strong, on some of them anyway. I am flexible on others while always maintaining awareness.
Yes, I've done this! I find myself constantly thinking about good moments within the relationship.
This is what always keeps me going back!! I definitely need to start writing everything down. I always start to feel guilty that I've "abandoned" him and feel compelled to apologise and ask for forgiveness and a second (817th) chance. It's INSANITY!!
Keeping an “ick” list has been a game changer. Otherwise euphoric recall is too powerful to second guess.
My ick list is something like 65 items.
Tracy D'Anneo Such good advice. I can feel my mind erasing them (The Deal Breakers) so a Note To Self is a great idea!
Kimberly Anne it really helps. Thank Dr. Ramani for that one! ☺️
Please elaborate
Z P You’d make a list of bad experiences. When you forget how bad things can get you look at the list as a reminder. Make sense?
This and rumination are my main issues right now. Trying to stay strong. You are such a godsend Dr. Ramani, thank you!
Hey...How's it going on now??
When you are stuck with euphoric recall.. Remember what happened before and after your "wonderful picture perfect moment".. I'm sure you will find yourself sandwich between an (abuse - good - abuse) memory.. Tbh, that's what made this moment extra special than what it was..
Hold on to your present.. Heal yourself and move towards a healthy life.. 😊
My family kept saying I was being a hopeless romantic. The term 'euphoric recall' sums this up so much better. I couldn't find the supporting language to explain to myself or others what I experienced until this video. My deepest gratitude to you, Dr. Ramani.
I wanted to ask:
"What good parts?"
yep, it was all stress, oddness, cycles...there were no good points. Goodness recall? No, because in 5 minutes in was a turn and a mockery there are few good times with abusers, narcs and ple whom are sick in side...at the end: I was not allowed to walk around the house at all unless he wanted. its why I beleive all faiths are valid, equal and beautiful and its why I detest the lies that the Western/American medida (greek mythos ref) /govbo-co
🏆
Dr. Ramani: You know! You are wise! You can relate in minutes everything I`ve been going on during three years! I`m now, after six months, "recalling the good moments" But I quote: "Those were moments. Relationships are actually everything that happens between the moments" Thank you ever so much. Thank you. Thank you .... always.
I’ve experienced this phenomenon all my life. First, as the child of a malignant alcoholic narcissist, next as the wife of a malignant covert narcissist and finally, the wife of a kinder but ultimately disastrously alcoholic, financially irresponsible covert narcissist who went behind my back and lost our life savings by involving himself in a “get rich quick” Florida real estate scheme after I refused to agree to participate. Abuse and euphoric recall have been significant parts of my entire life.
Hope you can move on, they target us good people!
this is so true. I got so caught up in the beginning/honeymoon/love bombing stage. I had idealized him and romanticized him to the point where I truly believed I deserved all the stonewalling, silent treatment, gaslighting and smear campaigns he put me through. looking back, my best advice to remember all the BAD parts is to write down and journal what he or she says to you. keeping a written record and dating it and read it often. I wish I had. but I kept texts and reread them and a year later can finally see the toxic garbage fire that was my relationship
It hurts, it's like you wanted that piece of best person.
Agree . Sadly they stand in their own way and we keep thinking it will get better.
@@Frances-nx3zx true
Shilpa, when go back think what all happened , then will never ever regret , and we need to thank god ,it is all over , not look back .
@@srishaw9221 fair.
the piece you missed of your own personality?!!
The most important an beautiful sentence in your video is "..beautiful moments, but these are moments....but a relationship is what's in between this moments" - great and so true!
Thank you Dr Ramani for all you do!!💜💜🙏🏽🙏🏽
It’s also called:
Being forgetful of the pain and trauma they caused you!
I'm amazed how quick i forget, considering how hard the blows. Not this Time such tho...im trying to hold on before I end up in the same place with this family member.
Dont do that. Its not delusion. Victims arent insane. Its called trauma bonding. Indivs can be aware of the bad aspects but due to investment cant let go.
@ randomness
I go through the same thing myself. I fool myself it only remembering the ‘good’ times. I feel I am being delusional.
@ randomness
No insult intended... just frustration why I am focus on the positive....
@@themarro6695 we are strong beautiful sister. We are in pain. Its not delusion n you are not delusional. Simply, when it hurts so much we soothe. We do so by remembering the good to cushion the blow the pain of reality. Our road to recover will be long difficult n painful but we will get thru this. Write the list n look at it when the good memories flood. I can testify that it will help. Be well n be safe beautiful and precious creation.
Once again, Dr Ramani, I sit here astounded that you know Exactly where my life is at, and had been for too many Years. THANK YOU FOR EXTENDING HOPE, it's the most terrifying place to realize you've ended up, seemingly willing . You are a prayer answered, I will Fight!
I am currently going through a divorce from an 11 year marriage from a narcissist. I didn’t experience cheating, but I have experienced domestic violence, and I STILL do euphoric recall! I still am doing this from time to time. Thank you for this video, and all your videos. I listen to them when I’m depressed or freaking out. Your videos describe my relationship 100%! They are soothing to listen to because they make me feel like I’m not crazy. You are an angel ❤️
I am 2 weeks away from my Divorce from my Ex-narcissist but I still have those days of thinking how happy we were or that I thought we were! I am fully aware of who he really is now but he was so good at pretending to be the perfect person for me that it’s hard to completely let that go because I believed it to be true for so many years.
Thank you so much. I was going through the silent treatment from my narcissist girlfriend over last two weeks. This kind of abuse has been going on for last one year. I desperately wanted her back since I keep on remembering all the good things she did to me. All the moments she showered me with so much love. But today I have ended things with her. This video is a big help for people like me. I can't thank you enough.
I was able to record him berating me, when I miss him I listen to it. It's triggering but my nostalgia of him disappears instantly.
Thanks for encouraging us to write the bad things down - even on our phones. It's not harping on it. It's not nursing a wound. It's not keeping a record of wrongs. It's not suspicious activity. It's a feedback loop. It's a history and a review of that history. It's learning. It's moving on from abuse.
I have been suffering from Euphoria recall lately. This video came at the right time. I struggled to stick to the no contact when I drove in my ex narcs neighborhood the other day. I am glad I made it.
💯 true! Keep a diary and read it when you start missing that person again!
'Euphoric recall'...so powerful, Doc! You are DEFINITELY in the zone with providing timely insights and guidance!
I often look at pictures and think back to the drama that day or off camera then apply what I know now and see the mask of the narcissist. It helps me not call, or drive by, or get information of the person because it reminds me of the fake and sick individual they really are. I also recall the times I went back and gave in, just to get hurt again and be discarded.
Wow amazed that there is a term for this!!
Have been telling my friends each day as to why am I only recalling good stuff despite all the bad he did to me
I can only imagine what euphoric recall might be like. For every potentially good moment that might have happened, my mother ensured the moment was thoroughly destroyed before making me go through with it, only to yell at me later for not enjoying it. She was pathologically envious of seeing anyone happy, if she could control them, she would destroy anything good in their life, and my life.
There is absolutely nothing to recall in a euphoric manner for me.
Now that I've figured her out she doesn't spend any time with me. She's doesn't even call or tex me. She talked negatively about me with her family and mine. My wife doesn't ear dinner with me anymore now that I've figured this out and opened my eyes. The lack of empathy was always there. She uses work as an excuse not to give me emotional attention and affection but she has enough time to go shopping for hours on end. Never made me anything I ever liked to eat. I never got dinner in or even treated to a hotel. I brought my daughter a lap top and I was going back to school and when she figured that out she erased all the programs on it and exclaimed " I don't know what happened to it" that is funny she was the one using it. I don't use the lap top 99% of the time. My daughter is pissed. It's as if I have been sleeping with the enemy for all these years. I need to find somewhere to sleep alone. I raised all our children but she trivialized all my efforts. The clothing stores got more affection from her than I ever did.
My daughter, the narc did the same thing to her husband. So interesting to see the parallels! I as the grandma was prohibited by her to NOT see my grandchildren (3) off and on.
Now they have been divorced for 1.5 years. My son-in-law let's me see the kids when he has them and we have a court date for him to get full legal and physical custody. She has even tried to get the judge to order that I have no contact with them! Unbelievable, but I'm sure you get it.
The very best to you & your children. You sound like a really good Dad just like my (now) ex son-in-law who is a class act.
Yup when they know you know their done ✅
It sounds so sad. I hope you can make the changes to a happier place if that is what you decide to do.
Same with my narc spouse. He has time for others, and plenty other things but the day he decided he was going to discard me, his behaviour towards me did a complete flip. I lived with being discarded without realising what it was, until he verbally finally spelled it out for me. If I call, I get to see really the terms on which he wants to interact with me, his and his alone. He is rude, condescending, filled with excuses and shaming me. No matter how nice I am.
It's about time I grasp, I am really not wanted and not approach again.
@Neowise It sounds counterintuitive, but it’s a blessing in disguise; he’s given you a definite out. Walk away, don’t look back. I don’t think he’s going to stalk you, either, as he’s found someone else to be his supply. Live your life, hopefully you’ll choose to live it as the Lord would ask you to as He will take care of you if you trust Him. I recommend, in the meantime you take that time to regroup and get to know the beautiful person you are. God bless.
What helps me dig out of the hole is WATCHING THESE VIDEOS that make me realize I am not completely alone. I can come up for air and see that this happens to people and there is a way out.
I thought I had never been happier in my life, meanwhile I was crying every day. I thought I was developing an anxiety disorder. I blamed school and work-things I’ve done for over a decade. It’s still hard at times not to reminisce and feel sad over the “good times.” With time and knowledge it’s getting easier to see the bad. Thank you for your videos! This explains a lot.
During the first few years when I was processing the revelation, I spent a long time doubting myself, or perhaps I was just fact checking and cross refrencing.
I thought I might be biased and have been focusing on all the negatives and maybe never give the positives a chance to weigh in. I was trying to see if I was being biased or overreacting.
In the end, the truth is undeniable, any semblance of love I thought I had received, had always been conditional from the very beginning. How true is a happiness that is based on lies? What started out as a euphoric recall, became a disillusionment.
I'm quite different I think - once I've stepped away, I only remember the bad stuff and the nasty things people say. Probably because I often think to myelf I could never say the bad things they do to others, so it sticks in my mind!
Feels like you orginated from a healthy famiely
Yes! I remember how happy I was when I thought his love for me was unconditional. The motivation I had when thought I was working toward “our” future. I made a list of all the plans I had for “us”. The truth is I was always the driver and he was simply along for the ride. When the relationship ended I thought I lost my way but I just need to be confident enough to trust that I can continue the drive alone. I took drivers ed and never expected the instructor to ride along with me forever. This is no different!
I used to idealise and euphoric recollect while blocking the reality for months, even years after. Especially the more I invested in it financially, emotionally, physically and with my years of loyalty. It's like the addiction to a fancy slot machine that sometimes hits. I learned not to gamble with my emotions these days.
When I start having euphoric recall, I remind myself of the manipulation, selfishness and extreme outbursts of my ex. Yes, it’s twisted & confusing, but I continue to remind myself that I’ve had other relationships before that weren’t like that, & I’ll have others again...healthier ones! I’ll pay more attention to red flags & keep my boundaries true. Cheers to us all who r learning n healing💪🏻
I always have to mentally smack myself and remember IT WAS THAT BAD
This is the absolute most important thing about healing. This is real. It creeps up. It hurts so intensely. I went a whole year and a half without any contact and then a trigger happened. My parents were both declining in health. The next thing I knew euphoric recall was happening with my ex. I couldn’t function all I could think about where the good times. It was overwhelming. Now that I’ve gotten distance again. And I’ve gotten my composure and therapy has intensified... I’m back to being stronger. All of these suggestions Dr. Ramani has are very very helpful and very important. Thank you so much
"Euphoric recall" - thanks for putting a name on something that I do :)
I did this the second time I left and I went back and after another 12 years of him I now have a totally objective view!! Also I realise that the good things he did were like insurance to him for when he treated me badly!! Rose coloured glasses removed and thrown in the bin!!!!
👌👌👌💜
I saw this video two hours ago and I couldn't stop missing my narc (I went no contact 4 months ago). I went back and looked at our messages and as I was reading them I realized I really am doing that euphoric recalling. I would say around 30-40% of the things he wrote were mean in some way or another. Either making fun of me, my likes, or just ignoring me. When I first went no contact I didn't want to read the conversations because it caused me too much pain. I still miss him but at least I know how to stop the euphoric recalling now. Thank you Dr Ramani and thanks to everyone in this comment section !!!
Euphoric recall and cognitive dissonance kept me in that relationship. After my discard, I did the ich list along with photos. It kept me focused on reality and enabled me to refuse and shut down the hoover attempt. The ich list (negative and abusive moments/events) was instrumental to recovery. Great video.
I needed just this video today! Thank you so much! 🙌🏻
The only positive memory I have of this relat is the first meeting in Paris (love bombing) and those holidays in France. He actually cheated on his ex (2 children, not married and proud of it) with me (his narcissistic supply were her frantic phone calls where he was all that time) and talked about having kids with me right there and then (future faking). "Missing puzzle piece", "soul mate" - he acted by the narc book like clockwork. Little did I know what was awaiting me during the next 14 years of trying to get him back to the person he played in France. He even tried to hit on our marriage councellor 14 yrs and two more children later. Little did I know even after he divorced me. Now I do. Thank you, Dr. Ramani. I am completely happy to be rid of him. At last.
Fuckin A! My sincere hopes for a great life for you! 💐💪🏼
@@lorettanericcio-bohlman567 Better than great. Good job, house, children are wonderful (I am from Austria, schools and uni is for free). Finishing two master's degrees in November, retirement in 2 yrs and then vanlife-tour through Europe and Northern Africa. Lots of great friends and no interest in a close relat anymore.
Thank you Dr Ramani for explaining about Euphoric Recall. It took me 3 years to stop doing this and to accept the reality that the whole relationship was nothing more than a lie. One of the reasons it took this long was because I was not aware of NPD so always kept hoping that there would be a chance to fix the relationship. It still hurts to accept the truth but at least now I know the problem was not me and I no longer have the regrets that I used to have (like thinking I could have saved the relationship if only I'd said this or done that etc) as I now know that nothing I could have said or done would have made any difference.
"Relationships happen between moments." - dr. Ramani 2020. That is pure gold and my new mantra for surviving and thriving. I have actually memorized my list (rape, lying, cheating, him drinking, 2 am "booty calls", humiliation, belitteling me) and when ever I start remembering so-called good times, I remember my hard list. Taking it on day at the time.
I was tapped into my own reality, 'euphoric recall' helped heighten the good emotion, whether or not it was bad for the relationship, it was good for me. Now I can sense the toxicity for emotional abuse or ill tidings and 'ruminate' about it instead. They are both good navigation tools for the awareness. If not what I share in the relationship will also improve the outcomes as well as settle the dysfunction to it.
I cannot recall anything good he did for me though but let myself trusting someone that much caused the serious consequence to my brain.
Euphoric recall kept me in a narcissistic relationship for the better part of 17 years.
I do often have euphoric recall, not so much about exes (intimate toxic relationships all culminated to a point that I can just feel disgust for them and all the good memories just feel fake), but friends and coworkers, it still happens more than I'd like... Thankfully I write a lot, so I have a lot of documentation, letters, emails, online chat archives, personal journal... sometimes words exchanged with the narcissists themselves, sometimes conversations with friends where I narrate the facts and we reflect on them. And the contrast is often massive, I never remember accurately how bad things were after a certain time. It's a good way to take a mental cold shower.
Yes, I’ve done that. I love her, no question about it. This is why I need help.
Narcissists often choose the nicest, most authentic, loyal and genuine partners -- the very ones who might thrive the most if they were instead in a healthy relationship where trust, appreciation and other good qualities such as the work to maintain the relationship are mutual and mutually beneficial.
it is so true! in my case though the "amnesia" was only happening in his presence or our sociel field.
lucky me, i could remeber everything when i was alone.
so i ended up making a cheat note with all the horrible stuff i endured, which i could hide in my purse and check it hiding in a bathroom, when we were spending time together.
this was way before cell phones existed ;)
i was very scared, that he would one day find it and punish me for it, so i made my note quite cryptic/coded, so only i could understand them, sometimes with just one word as a hint.
unfortunately it did not help me to break up, but it was very helpful against gaslighting, to remind me that i am not loosing my grasp on reality
it took me another 6 years to free myself from this monster!
i have recently found the list, i do not get it, how all other people missed it, i felt so alone those days.
we have been even selected as a couple of year 1999.
i wish i had someone like you to talk to me about narc abuse during or after that time!
thank you!
you are amazing :)
I think it happens easily when it’s your now-adult child, who, until their early twenties, was sweet, a joy to be with, loving, respectful, self-governing, fun, etc. I’m so grateful for the blessing of those memories.
Thank you so much for this validation. After a 12 year marriage to a narcissistic, emotionally abusive man, I've been trying to put myself back together. As soon as I left, I wrote down everything I could remember because I never wanted to second guess my decision to leave. I'm glad you recommend this! It is hard, because you wonder, "am I just making it seem worse than it was? I mean, there were good times too?" But what you said at the end, about relationships being about what happens between those "moments" is what is real...that was profound. Thank you!!!!
Don’t remember the love bombing stage . Remember that nothing about the relationship was normal .
The narcissist expects you to have euphoric recall.
For many years I associated all good things in life with the man that abused me. It's still a challenge to feel intense feelings of joy and happiness without him. I have to practice every day and remind myself that the source of love is inside of me.
This video is exactly what I needed. I just left my narc husband after 26 years...
My divorce will be final in one week, and I'm only remembering the good parts right now!! It's killing me! And that's why I'm here watching this video.