I can see it now: "You Gotta' Break Up is a ground breaking relationship advice book. It's almost like author Allison Raskin has a second eye!" - New York Times beautiful!
I think Gaby missed the subconscious implication. Let's say, based on society norms, that your significant other is a stripper or works at McDonald's. If you feel no shame over your significant other's work, especially with how negatively society views this kind of work, then that means it's not a superficial shallow love. If you're embarrassed, it means that you are unable to overlook society's views, which means your love is less important than societal norms.
I agree... 3 years later lol. I think Gaby is looking at it from a different perspective that I can kind of understand but it is a really surface level, shallow way of looking at it. Yes people shouldnt be influenced by societal norms but this is more a reflection of true feelings for that person. The societal norms are just an excuse. Also sometimes you may be ashamed because they are not weird enough for you and you value weirdness! It's all about perspective. And definitely some subconscious feelings.
mr sir she said marriage material but that doesn't mean you don't break up later for other reasons. It just means they are potentially marriage material. Her three rules cut through a lot of crap that would help someone decide to end a bad relationship sooner.
I think that Gaby was understanding Allison's point from a societal POV when Allison's point was really all about your own POV. It makes sense to want to make sure you feel comfortable when you're in a relationship with someone. And if you feel fundamentally embarrassed based on who they are, you're clearly not comfortable. Now this may be due to society, but it may be due to you simply not liking them enough because, as Allison said, once you truly love them, you won't care about what anyone thinks. I think this point makes a lot of sense, especially coming from Allison who seems to know she needs to feel comfortable in a relationship, which is good
Exactly. Gaby always seems to want to ignore the views of society, but coincidently to do that she has to be aware of the views of everyone else. So strangely enough, she probably cares about what other people think more than Allison. Plus how you feel can be subconsciously projected as other people's feeling, making Allison's point valid imo.
Bibi51497 you're so right. It's as if the third person is a mirror. If you run into someone you know and would be embarrassed or nervous about something they would see then that points to something that you yourself aren't comfortable with about your partner and/or relationship. It's not like 'oh I think I'm out of their league' or 'they love this nerdy thing and I don't', because even if they do love the nerdy thing, if you're happy in your relationship then that shouldn't phase you.
very true but bcoz of that allison cleared it.. otherwise many ppl will think allisons advice was very shallow n dependent on social outlook rather than how u feel inside
I think Gaby taking a girlfriend out to the mall vs Alison taking a boyfriend out to a mall is very different. Alison is talking about being SO in love that she's proud to show him off. It isn't about appearance or societies standards, but it's that nothing fucking matters because you're so fucking in love with them. Gaby could feel the exact same way with a girlfriend, but holding hands and showing PDA can get reactions from people..it's a whole other thing that's probably on her mind (depending where she is)..is it safe? It's also Gaby's brand to disagree with Alison. I'm into it. I'm applying these tests though.
I really liked Allison's advice. 1) Are you attracted to them 2) Are you ashamed of them 3) Do you want your loved ones to know them Some circumstances may seem at first not to apply but when you take it at a micro/personal level it still works. You may not feel confident bringing your SO other home to meet your parents for whatever reason (orientation, race, culture) but if you love these two sets of people you do WANT them to know each other. Sure it's not perfect, sure you could add questions, but I think these three could aptly reveal insecurities in a relationship.
Agree. I love when they do things like this. The comedy is great, but I like when they are "real" too. Makes me feel like I'm part of their conversation.
Allison is 100% correct. Gaby is sort of on the right track when it comes to societal norms, but I don't think she gets it when talking about yourself. If your partner were bisexual and they face certain societal challenges, that's fine. But if someone makes a scene in public because they are bisexual, you shouldn't be embarrassed, you should be furious, or protective, but you shouldn't be EMBARRASSED. Embarrassed means that, on some level, you are ashamed to be with them because of who they are. And Sonic says, "That's no good!"
Yeah, but that's not really what she was saying. She was saying "You need somebody hot to show off and impress stsrangers." Then when everybody disagreed with her she changed what she was saying to "Nobody should feel embarrassed by their partner," because she's slippery and not somebody I'd show off at the mall.
I would seriously buy allisons dating book. Itd also be cool to have more commentary on the topic from igor and gaby. But allison has got this shit on lock gd
I agree with Allison's three rules. I really like her point of view. It's actually deep. I feel like Gaby doesn't really understand what she means tho, or just doesn't want to, because when you just say "you'd want to show them off in a mall" some people aren't going to get what you really mean. And if she really does understand Allison's point of view, then she just likes putting an argument because I don't see flaws in Allison's logic. Only problem is, the way she puts it sounds kinda funny, which is why she can be misunderstood as shallow and close-minded. I don't know why I felt the need to analyze the situation. I might sound completely wrong but it's just my view on the argument.
I feel like I explain things like Allison and the people that don't bother to think about it deeper I just don't bother to be friends with :O :O :O lol but that is alot of people so I think I need to change abit. Nice one for putting this into words, i was never sure how to explain my way if its sarcastic or what lol
Lizzie Goldsack I think explaining yourself can be difficult sometimes. Which probably happens to all of us. But if you have a sarcastic personality then it's definitely more difficult lol
I don't think it's that Gaby's trying to put holes in her argument, but rather than Gaby and Allison approach problems with different mindsets. Gaby is more activism/SJ-minded, so she automatically considers things from a broader, more societally-based perspective. Allison is more individual/relationship-based, so she comes at it from that POV. Actually, I think this video is a really good representation of their intellectual differences
calista ann It's because she knew Gaby would have a predictable criticism ready which as usual underestimated Allison and Allison was like yeah no you don't get it. That kind of dynamic is really frustrating
Shariq Torres I think, probably not maliciously, that Alison goes through life with something kind of like Disney princess glasses on. I'm sure she has her challenges in life and I don't think she's dumb or blind. That said, I think she has chosen to orient herself towards acheiving the conventionally attractive, upper middle class, Western white woman idealized life in body, mind, and soul and she's well on her way to pulling it off, and more power to her. Still, given that aparent bias, I think that she struggles to take seriously the idea that that life model might not be ideal, suitable, or even plausible, for everyone who might hear her advice. I think her point about the danger of feeling embarrassed or apprehensive about showing off ones partner to ones 'people' is still good food for thought. But I took it with a large grain of salt given who it was coming from.
If your perception of a person changes, then that is making them marriage material for you. You can certainly take a second look if someone has a bad first impression, but I don't think Allison is talking about evaluating people on the second date. As for the being part of a marginalized group, I think those couples could still count as "wanting to show off" their partner, but unable to for other reasons (safety). Generally, if people are looking down on your partner, you should think they are wrong. I think embarrassment usually comes from agreeing with them. Which could still be the case with internalized homophobia, etc., but it could be argued that still means the relationship isn't marriage material. Honestly, I think Allison is coming from the position that your partner shouldn't be embarrassed of you, and then taking from that.
Regardless of the topic on this video, or any topic they had, I don't think she disagrees "for the sake of it." She disagrees because she has a different opinion that comes from a different point of view. It doesn't mean her points are poor just because you don't agree with them. Same goes for Allison.
Dani Paul yeah, i think it actually shows that you have a great deal of respect for your partner, if you don't feel they're an embarrassment. It won't last if you don't have that respect for them
Hey Gabby and Alison! I just wanted to let you know that I spend hours of my free time subtitling your show on Amara.org because I want everyone to be able to enjoy it! It's one of my favorites and want everyone to have access to you're awesome comedy! Thanks for doing what you're doing!
I agree with Allison about the embarrassing part. Social norms have nothing to do with it, if you feel embarrassed about your partner in a fundamental way then you're not going to last.
The elephant story reminded me of a psych concept called "learned helplessness" where you just stop trying because you think nothing's gonna change anyway so you adapt to your bad situation instead But on a different note, I like how comfortable Gabby and Igor are, they're so cute
i dont think its about the societal norms of it. i think the basis of this is "how do you feel around this person " you should feel more secure in your relationship than you feel insecure. there are always insecurities but it shouldn't be the brunt of it.
Very true. And you should feel secure in yourself first and foremost, because that will help you cope with the chaos and messiness that is being vulnerable and opening up to another human being in a big way. If you have a lot of issues and insecurities about the other person, chances are you're projecting a few of your own onto them, so it's best to tackle those ones first and then see what your reality looks like.
Gaby was really not open to understand Allison on this one. She was talking about how YOU feel about you partner, not about caring about how others feel about your partner
Yes!!! These three tests immediately change my life. SO TRUE!!! I wish I knew this years ago, seriously important and so relevant. THANK YOU ALLISON!!! I would totally buy Allison's dating book. One serious relationship always embarrassed me and I would not want be proud at the mall, one was not family dinner worthy, and one I forced the attraction. SOO ACCURATE, I wish I had this concise and accurate info before I wasted 6 years on goofs...
I'm so happy, Allison's mall point put into words what I've been trying to say to my friends for years. I don't think ANY societal norms are involved here, it's more about what YOU're okay with and what YOU find embarrassing PERSONALLY. Would 100% buy this book. Please write it.
I came here for some comedy and laughs from TH-cam Allison & Gaby. Instead we got real life Allison & Gaby. Now I have to rewind this and take notes since all three came up with genuinely thought-provoking ideas. Also, yeah... can Igor be a regular host too?
From her personal reality, though. I think Allison's points are all valid, but they're very black-and-white, and very much entrenched in her own personal experience. I'm not disagreeing with her, because when she elaborates on her points they do make sense, but the way she presents them leaves very little room for the diverse experiences that different humans have. Mind you, I don't value marriage as much as she does, so I don't really relate to her premise or find her tools that helpful.
O didn't know I got responses. And by the length people took it in a bit. Uh something I notice that is shared in opinion here is the lgbt side of things. I'm bisexual. And I'm not going to give you the sob story about those around at one point and my life blah blah. But in all honesty I still find Allisons more realistic. But I suppose they are both subjective so I hope I rubbed nobody the wrong way, and sorry if I did!
Shariq Torres i dont think it's about being dangerous to society or whatever. the word she chose is "embarrassing". like there is a part of your partner that you want to hide because it reflects badly on you personally. nobody deserves a partner who thinks that way about them.
kikirockslikecrazy exactly. there's a difference between 'wishing you could show them off but not being able to because of society' and 'being embarrassed about being in a relationship with them because of who they are' (of course that could also be internalised homophobia but that's another issue)
This is honestly the best relationship advice I've gotten from anyone recently as my partner and I are going through a weird time and I genuinely thank you
On this episode, we see Igor, the poet in action and find out Allison just wants everyone to believe she's caring Sugar in a bag when in fact, she's carrying a bomb!
i always loved the comedy in this types of videos where you answer questions however it also left me wanting a bit more.. depth i guess. this was my favorite question-answer video because it had balance between serious meaningful advice and the comedy side. more of this please :)
Allison's explanation about being embarrassed by your partner actually made a lot of sense; if there are areas of your partners life or facets of their personality that make you go, "oh jesus this is so embarrassing i'd really rather no one know about this/experience this" then it's not fair to you and ESPECIALLY not fair to your partner to be with them. I understand Gaby being uncomfortable with "societal norms" but I think in this instance it has more to do with being a decent human being to yourself and somebody else.
This is how I'm seeing it, anyway. As an example, I have a friend who is deaf in one ear and consequently speaks 99% louder than would be considered appropriate in most situations (like at restaurants or in a library). There are a lot of times when people he hangs out with are mortified by how loud he's being and will shame him for it. If those people really give that much of a shit, why are they wasting their time being embarrassed over something they can't change (and shouldn't try to) about someone, and he doesn't deserve to have people shame him for something that he can't help.
wow this video was really great! It's so refreshing seeing Allison getting real and speaking with so much conviction.. I was totally sold. More of this please!
I like it when show is getting serious in more than dark comedy way, today's advice was actually helpful. Also I like all episodes with Igor, I'm glad he's appearing so often recently.
Yes Allison!! I agree with everything you're saying. The doubt and insecurity that you perceive from others starts fundamentally with your feelings about your partner! I really love that you guys gave some good, hard advice and had a back and forth convo about it. Loved this!
I think Allison really is onto something with the "you know they're the right person for you if you want to & feel comfortable with showing them off"... Because, you see, with every boyfriend I ever had (which was about 10 boyfriends) I *always* felt *very* uncomfortable to be seen in public with them... And it wasn't about their looks - I dated a *very* wide variety of boys, with very different appearances and personalities - but I just never felt comfortable going out in public with them... And then I realized the reason why: Because I'm gay! lol ;) It honestly would have saved me a lot of wasted time looking for happiness in the wrong places if I'd had that advice from Allison then. So, seriously: DO NOT date someone who you wouldn't want to go to the opera with! ;) :)
It got really deep in the beginning there...like damn. Also, I agree with Allison. But to be fair I'm more of an Allison than a Gaby. Gaby is still great though. Love the pod.
dont write articles, write poems in your dating book, that all begins and ends with "you gotta break up"..... or maybe a children's bed time story book.
ALLISON, YOUR ADVICE IS SPOT ON GURLL. Damn! especially the three rules. I started thinking on those lines and realized how accurate they are to see if a person is marriage material.
I mean I have to agree with Gaby. Coming from an LGBTQ+ person, it's not that easy to just feel comfortable whether that's stage 1 (internalised homophobia), stage 2 (being out of the closet), or stage 3 (the environment you're in), all 3 of these stages suck sometimes whether you love a person or not.
rachelle But I think the point was not whether you love someone etc, but whether this relationship will work as it currently is. If it's internalized homophobia, for example, then the person should take time away from a potentially good and serious long term relationship to sort themselves out and figure out what they want and who they are. The relationship can't be "marriage material" if these crucial things are missing. Love takes more than just "love."
rachelle As for the environment, its more about how you feel, then what society feels. Like, if you would WANT to "show someone off at the mall" or to "your family" (but can't because of the circumstances) you still pass that step. If you could theortically do this in someplace safe, but would still feeling apprehensive, then the relationship is not "marriage material." It's a bit more metaphorical and about what lies underneath the mall and family scenarios than literally showing them around a mall, especially if the person doesn't fit into societal norms. I think these rules can still be good self-checks in a relationship when not taken too literally.
I agree very much with you. This video made me very emotional, especially the third point. That would imply very one should come out to their family, if they are dating someone of the same gender for example. That is not safe for some people. And I think these people still should marry the love of their live, if they want to.
I think with the family dinner thing you should be aware that allison has a good relationship with her family. If people are not very close to their family (which might be because theyre not out or because their family is homophobic or because of whatever fundamental disagreement) then maybe they should change family to friends. Its just about wanting your loved ones to know your partner
😂Everything she said was so truthful. If they had something like an hour episode of her just explain it, including their questions, it would make more sense. Really it relates back to wait they were saying at the beginning. Allison can see the end of her friends relationships before they do, and maybe they didn't understand at the time but in the end, they realized she was right. I don't know if they did that on purpose or not🤔.
This was actually so helpful! I recently had to breakup with someone I really, really liked because I was embarrassed by how she was treating me. I didn't have the words for how I felt before watching this, tho, so thank you!
I usually agree with Gaby, but she's off on this one. This isn't about societal norms. If you feel embarrassed to be with someone, you then are a part of the norms and its not going to work out for you till you open up.
I would definitely read Allison's book. Also, you guys should start a blog to talk about these things more in depth because I would read the shit out of that. You guys are hilarious.
This one was kinda serious, so I'll say something serious. I get what Gabby means. People can be assholes and they might rally against someone just for being different. But Allison's point seems to be "My partner is in the wrong here, so I hope this doesn't come up". To be blunt, Gabby is taking about a conservative family making you feel shame for your homosexual partner. Allison is talking about "I hope no one discovers my partner doesn't have a job and just bums around the house all day eating Snickers". In Allison's example, her partner is doing something wrong from her point of view, against her own values. The point of "The Mall" is that you have to show and get behind your partners attitude. After all, you are the one that loves them despite it, right?
I want that book now! I am amazed by this advice and I feel like those three questions are important in trying to understand how your partner feels towards you too
i think i can get where Gaby is coming from. everyone handles relationships differently but the way Allison was talking about these rules sounds transactional and inflexible to an extent. i think every relationship is different and also not everyones end goal is marriage... which Allison also doesnt mention. i know you cant cover everything in one video, but i feel you Gaby!
Also, I have a friend in an unhealthy relationship, she's been with him over a year and on a few occasions during fights he's gotten physical. She comes over and vents to me after but within a few days she no longer considers leaving him and acts like everything is fine. He's extremely controlling and she's very emotionally dependent on him. Her other friends have become distant as she doesn't listen to their advice and isn't allowed to hangout except when he's working... I've had many heart to hearts with her but I can't convince her that her life would be better without him.
Anyone have any ideas of what I should do? I have related her relationship to one in my past but her situation is worse. He's slammed her into walls, choked her, and one time pinched her hard enough to leave a purple bruise the size of a quarter 😤 That one I found out by asking, she didn't even tell me. This is how I know more is happening than she tells me.
You could ask her what she would tell a friend if they told her those stories. How would it make her feel? What would be her advice to her friend? You could advise her to find help with a therapist. There might also be a special organization to help victims of domestic violence. It seems that she doesnt have enough self esteem right now to prioritise protecting herself from her abusive "partner". And also: It is important that you take care of yourself. You are not a professional and you have to know the limits of what you can take. It is hard on you too. Even with the help of a psychologist or psychiatrist it can still be hard to get out of an abusive relationship, and many people will find (or be found by) another abuser after that. It is difficult to break that pattern, because for some people abuse is all they have known since childhood. Ask her to seek some form of help. Even if she's only willing to do it to take some responsibility off of you, it might help (both of you).
animallover> your friend is in danger, but I think you already know that. And yes, she needs professional help to break her submission to this violent abuser, but first of all, she needs to get away from him. I mean *no contact what-so-ever!* You might want to contact the nearest battered women's shelter in your area, speak to a counselor there, then see if you can arrange a meeting between the counselor and your friend. Talking with a professional might help your friend to realize the dangerous situation she is in and that she needs to takes appropriate measures to secure her physical safety. Time is not on her side, unfortunately, and while only she can break the emotional hold he has on her, maybe you can show her a way forward, out of her abusive spiral. And Jasmin T is right....take care of yourself; guard your own safety too. Good luck.
![[FINALE] 💸ที่แท้พ่อเป็นผู้ถือหุ้นบริษัทพันล้าน เขากลับใจตอนนี้ก็สายไปแล้ว🙇🏻♂️#ละครคุณธรรม #short](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/yFwgjTFISUI/mqdefault.jpg)
I would 100% buy Allison's dating book as long as it's titled "You Gotta Break Up."
Today.
That's actually a really good title. It could be about telltale signs in your relationship of when you should move on.
Jonny Lim I'd read that
OMG that is actually a golden idea.
Jonny Lim sAME
I can see it now:
"You Gotta' Break Up is a ground breaking relationship advice book. It's almost like author Allison Raskin has a second eye!" - New York Times
beautiful!
Bianca Reyes this.
YYeEeeAsSSSSss‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️
"It's almost like a second eye."
-Allison Raskin, 2017
Liam Twomey Will be put in history books. Remember me.
Second to her third eye of wisdom, so she has two regular eyes and two eyes for higher consciousness lol 4 eyes total
but Allison doesn't wear glasses.
It's because the left one is obstructed by the side bang
Igor's elephant story set the tone for this episode, it got too real
Allison looked so genuinely happy explaining what's the prime time to convince your friend to break up. That's great xD
I think Gaby missed the subconscious implication. Let's say, based on society norms, that your significant other is a stripper or works at McDonald's. If you feel no shame over your significant other's work, especially with how negatively society views this kind of work, then that means it's not a superficial shallow love. If you're embarrassed, it means that you are unable to overlook society's views, which means your love is less important than societal norms.
Heck yeah! True words.
Jasmine Patanjali That’s am entirely different problem with different roots, I believe.
I agree... 3 years later lol. I think Gaby is looking at it from a different perspective that I can kind of understand but it is a really surface level, shallow way of looking at it. Yes people shouldnt be influenced by societal norms but this is more a reflection of true feelings for that person. The societal norms are just an excuse. Also sometimes you may be ashamed because they are not weird enough for you and you value weirdness! It's all about perspective. And definitely some subconscious feelings.
This episode is so unexpectedly good. I was not expecting that from Allison at all. Jesus.
RIGHT?! I was waiting for someone to be like "ALLISON WHAT IS HAPPENING TODAY"
Well fuck.....Not only is Allison right but the confidence she has while saying it is awesome.
Her 3 test seem like simple shallow questions but really are more complex than that. So I get it.
Wantin2Learn Yeah, the more she explained it, the less shallow it became 😂
Wantin2Learn true but i feel like a person could pass all 3 tests and still be a cheater so yea
mr sir she said marriage material but that doesn't mean you don't break up later for other reasons. It just means they are potentially marriage material. Her three rules cut through a lot of crap that would help someone decide to end a bad relationship sooner.
Allison dropped so many truth bombs in 7 minutes. This was like an epiphany barrage.
honestly this was the most helpful JBU video ever. I would definitely buy Allison's dating book.
also the elephant metaphor got me shook
Very off topic. I love how casually affectionate Igor and Gabby are.
I think that Gaby was understanding Allison's point from a societal POV when Allison's point was really all about your own POV. It makes sense to want to make sure you feel comfortable when you're in a relationship with someone. And if you feel fundamentally embarrassed based on who they are, you're clearly not comfortable. Now this may be due to society, but it may be due to you simply not liking them enough because, as Allison said, once you truly love them, you won't care about what anyone thinks. I think this point makes a lot of sense, especially coming from Allison who seems to know she needs to feel comfortable in a relationship, which is good
Bibi51497 agreed. Out of her 3 points I think that one is really the most telling. I agree with Gaby on the first one because attraction does change.
Exactly. Gaby always seems to want to ignore the views of society, but coincidently to do that she has to be aware of the views of everyone else. So strangely enough, she probably cares about what other people think more than Allison. Plus how you feel can be subconsciously projected as other people's feeling, making Allison's point valid imo.
Bibi51497 you're so right. It's as if the third person is a mirror. If you run into someone you know and would be embarrassed or nervous about something they would see then that points to something that you yourself aren't comfortable with about your partner and/or relationship. It's not like 'oh I think I'm out of their league' or 'they love this nerdy thing and I don't', because even if they do love the nerdy thing, if you're happy in your relationship then that shouldn't phase you.
very true but bcoz of that allison cleared it.. otherwise many ppl will think allisons advice was very shallow n dependent on social outlook rather than how u feel inside
I think Gaby taking a girlfriend out to the mall vs Alison taking a boyfriend out to a mall is very different. Alison is talking about being SO in love that she's proud to show him off. It isn't about appearance or societies standards, but it's that nothing fucking matters because you're so fucking in love with them. Gaby could feel the exact same way with a girlfriend, but holding hands and showing PDA can get reactions from people..it's a whole other thing that's probably on her mind (depending where she is)..is it safe?
It's also Gaby's brand to disagree with Alison. I'm into it.
I'm applying these tests though.
I really liked Allison's advice. 1) Are you attracted to them
2) Are you ashamed of them
3) Do you want your loved ones to know them
Some circumstances may seem at first not to apply but when you take it at a micro/personal level it still works. You may not feel confident bringing your SO other home to meet your parents for whatever reason (orientation, race, culture) but if you love these two sets of people you do WANT them to know each other. Sure it's not perfect, sure you could add questions, but I think these three could aptly reveal insecurities in a relationship.
I get that this is a comedy channel but this real advice and actual conversation is very interesting and you should definitely do this more often
disklosr Agreed! Allison is really wise and has a unique perception to life. It's nice to see this side of her too to learn from.
allison is very good at giving advice she should do it more often
Agree. I love when they do things like this. The comedy is great, but I like when they are "real" too. Makes me feel like I'm part of their conversation.
yes but without him
Nooooo keep Igor!
Allison is 100% correct. Gaby is sort of on the right track when it comes to societal norms, but I don't think she gets it when talking about yourself. If your partner were bisexual and they face certain societal challenges, that's fine. But if someone makes a scene in public because they are bisexual, you shouldn't be embarrassed, you should be furious, or protective, but you shouldn't be EMBARRASSED. Embarrassed means that, on some level, you are ashamed to be with them because of who they are. And Sonic says, "That's no good!"
Yeah, but that's not really what she was saying. She was saying "You need somebody hot to show off and impress stsrangers." Then when everybody disagreed with her she changed what she was saying to "Nobody should feel embarrassed by their partner," because she's slippery and not somebody I'd show off at the mall.
Allison. Preach. this is so true.
*I'd buy that book*
I would seriously buy allisons dating book. Itd also be cool to have more commentary on the topic from igor and gaby. But allison has got this shit on lock gd
I agree with Allison's three rules. I really like her point of view. It's actually deep.
I feel like Gaby doesn't really understand what she means tho, or just doesn't want to, because when you just say "you'd want to show them off in a mall" some people aren't going to get what you really mean.
And if she really does understand Allison's point of view, then she just likes putting an argument because I don't see flaws in Allison's logic. Only problem is, the way she puts it sounds kinda funny, which is why she can be misunderstood as shallow and close-minded.
I don't know why I felt the need to analyze the situation. I might sound completely wrong but it's just my view on the argument.
Elif Şahin preach! I agree
haha thanks
I feel like I explain things like Allison and the people that don't bother to think about it deeper I just don't bother to be friends with :O :O :O lol but that is alot of people so I think I need to change abit. Nice one for putting this into words, i was never sure how to explain my way if its sarcastic or what lol
Lizzie Goldsack I think explaining yourself can be difficult sometimes. Which probably happens to all of us. But if you have a sarcastic personality then it's definitely more difficult lol
I don't think it's that Gaby's trying to put holes in her argument, but rather than Gaby and Allison approach problems with different mindsets. Gaby is more activism/SJ-minded, so she automatically considers things from a broader, more societally-based perspective. Allison is more individual/relationship-based, so she comes at it from that POV. Actually, I think this video is a really good representation of their intellectual differences
Gaby and Igor look so uncomfortable witb how many Truth Bombs Allison dropped in a row, it's hilarious
i've never seen allison get so into a question i loved seeing her passionate response omg
Yes, she was totally focused on her thoughts. Each time she spoke, it pinned my ears back.
calista ann because her advice is so fucking good
calista ann It's because she knew Gaby would have a predictable criticism ready which as usual underestimated Allison and Allison was like yeah no you don't get it. That kind of dynamic is really frustrating
Sometimes I think Gaby disagrees just for the sake of it, Allison has some excellent points.
Hannah o
that one of the ways this show is great though, being surround by yes man is kind of boring
Shariq Torres I think, probably not maliciously, that Alison goes through life with something kind of like Disney princess glasses on. I'm sure she has her challenges in life and I don't think she's dumb or blind. That said, I think she has chosen to orient herself towards acheiving the conventionally attractive, upper middle class, Western white woman idealized life in body, mind, and soul and she's well on her way to pulling it off, and more power to her. Still, given that aparent bias, I think that she struggles to take seriously the idea that that life model might not be ideal, suitable, or even plausible, for everyone who might hear her advice.
I think her point about the danger of feeling embarrassed or apprehensive about showing off ones partner to ones 'people' is still good food for thought. But I took it with a large grain of salt given who it was coming from.
If your perception of a person changes, then that is making them marriage material for you. You can certainly take a second look if someone has a bad first impression, but I don't think Allison is talking about evaluating people on the second date.
As for the being part of a marginalized group, I think those couples could still count as "wanting to show off" their partner, but unable to for other reasons (safety). Generally, if people are looking down on your partner, you should think they are wrong. I think embarrassment usually comes from agreeing with them. Which could still be the case with internalized homophobia, etc., but it could be argued that still means the relationship isn't marriage material.
Honestly, I think Allison is coming from the position that your partner shouldn't be embarrassed of you, and then taking from that.
Regardless of the topic on this video, or any topic they had, I don't think she disagrees "for the sake of it." She disagrees because she has a different opinion that comes from a different point of view. It doesn't mean her points are poor just because you don't agree with them. Same goes for Allison.
I agree with Allison about the embarrassment thing, its nothing to do with what other people think or societal norms, Gaby just wasn't listening.
Dani Paul yeah, i think it actually shows that you have a great deal of respect for your partner, if you don't feel they're an embarrassment. It won't last if you don't have that respect for them
I broke up with my boyfriend of two years because of this video lmao
Plot twist: Alison keeps convincing Igor and Gaby to break up with their SO so that she will be the first to marry.
I would 100% read a book that Allison wrote about dating/mental health/career
10/10 would buy Allison's dating book
Hey Gabby and Alison! I just wanted to let you know that I spend hours of my free time subtitling your show on Amara.org because I want everyone to be able to enjoy it! It's one of my favorites and want everyone to have access to you're awesome comedy! Thanks for doing what you're doing!
Thank you for your work :)
I agree with Allison about the embarrassing part.
Social norms have nothing to do with it, if you feel embarrassed about your partner in a fundamental way then you're not going to last.
"Dont put shit in print unless you have a ring on your finger" WHY THE FUCK ARENT YOU IN MY LIFE ALLISON!!!! GOD DAMN IT
The elephant story reminded me of a psych concept called "learned helplessness" where you just stop trying because you think nothing's gonna change anyway so you adapt to your bad situation instead
But on a different note, I like how comfortable Gabby and Igor are, they're so cute
i dont think its about the societal norms of it. i think the basis of this is "how do you feel around this person " you should feel more secure in your relationship than you feel insecure. there are always insecurities but it shouldn't be the brunt of it.
Very true. And you should feel secure in yourself first and foremost, because that will help you cope with the chaos and messiness that is being vulnerable and opening up to another human being in a big way. If you have a lot of issues and insecurities about the other person, chances are you're projecting a few of your own onto them, so it's best to tackle those ones first and then see what your reality looks like.
Okay but Allison's advice is actually.. so good.
Gaby was really not open to understand Allison on this one. She was talking about how YOU feel about you partner, not about caring about how others feel about your partner
Fnck other ppl, its YOUR relationship, not THEIR relationship
idk about the family one though
watching.. waiting... for the bangs to fully grow out.
scarlet91210 the slowest race of all time.
Yes!!! These three tests immediately change my life. SO TRUE!!! I wish I knew this years ago, seriously important and so relevant. THANK YOU ALLISON!!! I would totally buy Allison's dating book. One serious relationship always embarrassed me and I would not want be proud at the mall, one was not family dinner worthy, and one I forced the attraction. SOO ACCURATE, I wish I had this concise and accurate info before I wasted 6 years on goofs...
An Advice/Dating book from Allison would be great
I'm so happy, Allison's mall point put into words what I've been trying to say to my friends for years. I don't think ANY societal norms are involved here, it's more about what YOU're okay with and what YOU find embarrassing PERSONALLY.
Would 100% buy this book. Please write it.
Hahaha legit that elephant conversation taught me a goddamn lesson. And also cracked me up. Lol.
I would totally buy your book, Allison!
This episode was really interesting WE NEED MORE REAL ADVICE FROM YOU
How to Tell Your Friend They're in an Unhealthy Relationship 👏🏽PART 👏🏽TWO!
Ft. Allison Raskin, the Date Doctor
I came here for some comedy and laughs from TH-cam Allison & Gaby. Instead we got real life Allison & Gaby. Now I have to rewind this and take notes since all three came up with genuinely thought-provoking ideas. Also, yeah... can Igor be a regular host too?
NGMonocrom He IS a regular host tho.
Those three really clicked in this one. Brilliant video!
6:21 I think Igor hit the nail on the head. He coulda just dropped the mic right then. If he was holding the mic. But he wasn't so he couldn't.
I feel like Allison comes from reality with her points, and Gaby's are the kind that sound nice on paper, but don't actually play out that way.
From her personal reality, though. I think Allison's points are all valid, but they're very black-and-white, and very much entrenched in her own personal experience. I'm not disagreeing with her, because when she elaborates on her points they do make sense, but the way she presents them leaves very little room for the diverse experiences that different humans have. Mind you, I don't value marriage as much as she does, so I don't really relate to her premise or find her tools that helpful.
O didn't know I got responses. And by the length people took it in a bit. Uh something I notice that is shared in opinion here is the lgbt side of things. I'm bisexual. And I'm not going to give you the sob story about those around at one point and my life blah blah. But in all honesty I still find Allisons more realistic. But I suppose they are both subjective so I hope I rubbed nobody the wrong way, and sorry if I did!
Shariq Torres i dont think it's about being dangerous to society or whatever. the word she chose is "embarrassing". like there is a part of your partner that you want to hide because it reflects badly on you personally. nobody deserves a partner who thinks that way about them.
kikirockslikecrazy exactly. there's a difference between 'wishing you could show them off but not being able to because of society' and 'being embarrassed about being in a relationship with them because of who they are'
(of course that could also be internalised homophobia but that's another issue)
This is honestly the best relationship advice I've gotten from anyone recently as my partner and I are going through a weird time and I genuinely thank you
wow that's some really good advice from Allison
A dating book by Allison with side commentary by Gaby would be amazing! I would totally buy
On this episode, we see Igor, the poet in action and find out Allison just wants everyone to believe she's caring Sugar in a bag when in fact, she's carrying a bomb!
Karine Moura she did this just to distract us !!! she is brilliant !!
*"My advice is so fucking good"*
- Alison Raskin 2017
I am very into this serious and honest version of advice giving...
i always loved the comedy in this types of videos where you answer questions however it also left me wanting a bit more.. depth i guess. this was my favorite question-answer video because it had balance between serious meaningful advice and the comedy side. more of this please :)
Allison advices are actually on point
the last part of the video where Allison explains about unconditional love is so good imo.
Allison's explanation about being embarrassed by your partner actually made a lot of sense; if there are areas of your partners life or facets of their personality that make you go, "oh jesus this is so embarrassing i'd really rather no one know about this/experience this" then it's not fair to you and ESPECIALLY not fair to your partner to be with them. I understand Gaby being uncomfortable with "societal norms" but I think in this instance it has more to do with being a decent human being to yourself and somebody else.
This is how I'm seeing it, anyway. As an example, I have a friend who is deaf in one ear and consequently speaks 99% louder than would be considered appropriate in most situations (like at restaurants or in a library). There are a lot of times when people he hangs out with are mortified by how loud he's being and will shame him for it. If those people really give that much of a shit, why are they wasting their time being embarrassed over something they can't change (and shouldn't try to) about someone, and he doesn't deserve to have people shame him for something that he can't help.
wow this video was really great! It's so refreshing seeing Allison getting real and speaking with so much conviction.. I was totally sold. More of this please!
That was actual semi-sane advice. And coming from Allison! What is happening?!
Allison has always been extremely intuitive in my opinion. No surprise there.
Teddy Quamina Shhh it's a secret.
I like it when show is getting serious in more than dark comedy way, today's advice was actually helpful. Also I like all episodes with Igor, I'm glad he's appearing so often recently.
I've never seen Allison this serious LOL
Yes Allison!! I agree with everything you're saying. The doubt and insecurity that you perceive from others starts fundamentally with your feelings about your partner! I really love that you guys gave some good, hard advice and had a back and forth convo about it. Loved this!
I agree with Allison
This video is the best video u put out this year. Alison is the GOAT
save the circus elephants
Eleanor the koala seriously
I think Allison really is onto something with the "you know they're the right person for you if you want to & feel comfortable with showing them off"...
Because, you see, with every boyfriend I ever had (which was about 10 boyfriends) I *always* felt *very* uncomfortable to be seen in public with them... And it wasn't about their looks - I dated a *very* wide variety of boys, with very different appearances and personalities - but I just never felt comfortable going out in public with them...
And then I realized the reason why: Because I'm gay! lol ;)
It honestly would have saved me a lot of wasted time looking for happiness in the wrong places if I'd had that advice from Allison then.
So, seriously: DO NOT date someone who you wouldn't want to go to the opera with! ;) :)
*u gotta break up*
Everyone should just rewatch this and only look Igor's face, especially when he isn't talking. His facial expressions are gold.
It got really deep in the beginning there...like damn.
Also, I agree with Allison. But to be fair I'm more of an Allison than a Gaby. Gaby is still great though. Love the pod.
“And you can’t force it” is such a gray-ace thing to say, and it feels validating to hear another gray-ace person day that.
Allison this is so true! The mall principle is legit
Gaby: "I feel like every one ends in: you gotta break up."
Allison: "That could be my catchphrase." 😂
I never want to invite anyone over for family dinner, but it's mostly because of my mom. Igor has just put so many thoughts in my head. Very deep!🤔
i have said it before and i will say it again, I LOVE ALLISON!! someone give her a book deal
Gaby: I just wanna put it out there for a viewer-
Allison : *interrupts* no everything I say is correct.
That's really funny
Gabby and Igor progressively get more and more touchy as these videos continue to be uploaded
My husband tells the worst puns... good thing I didn't know about Alison's embarrassment rule earlier ;)
No frickin' way. A 7 min video
I've never been so happy and excited in my life 😊😊
igor is so calming.
I TOTALLY get Allison's point on the being embarassed about your partner part.
dont write articles, write poems in your dating book, that all begins and ends with "you gotta break up"..... or maybe a children's bed time story book.
Igor's facial expressions while the two of them are going back and forth is amazing.
We are all a little elephant inside...
Allison: *talks about how you feel about your partner on a deep and emotional level*
Igor: "but they gotta like sushi"
Just out of a long term relationship. this video helped me alot. makes me feel better about the breakup ☺😎
Allison you're killing it girl. please keep on dealing out this truth. this is actually usefuly and entertaining edvice
I'd buy Allison's book
ALLISON, YOUR ADVICE IS SPOT ON GURLL. Damn! especially the three rules. I started thinking on those lines and realized how accurate they are to see if a person is marriage material.
I mean I have to agree with Gaby. Coming from an LGBTQ+ person, it's not that easy to just feel comfortable whether that's stage 1 (internalised homophobia), stage 2 (being out of the closet), or stage 3 (the environment you're in), all 3 of these stages suck sometimes whether you love a person or not.
rachelle But I think the point was not whether you love someone etc, but whether this relationship will work as it currently is. If it's internalized homophobia, for example, then the person should take time away from a potentially good and serious long term relationship to sort themselves out and figure out what they want and who they are. The relationship can't be "marriage material" if these crucial things are missing. Love takes more than just "love."
rachelle As for the environment, its more about how you feel, then what society feels. Like, if you would WANT to "show someone off at the mall" or to "your family" (but can't because of the circumstances) you still pass that step. If you could theortically do this in someplace safe, but would still feeling apprehensive, then the relationship is not "marriage material." It's a bit more metaphorical and about what lies underneath the mall and family scenarios than literally showing them around a mall, especially if the person doesn't fit into societal norms. I think these rules can still be good self-checks in a relationship when not taken too literally.
I agree very much with you.
This video made me very emotional, especially the third point. That would imply very one should come out to their family, if they are dating someone of the same gender for example. That is not safe for some people. And I think these people still should marry the love of their live, if they want to.
I think with the family dinner thing you should be aware that allison has a good relationship with her family. If people are not very close to their family (which might be because theyre not out or because their family is homophobic or because of whatever fundamental disagreement) then maybe they should change family to friends. Its just about wanting your loved ones to know your partner
That moment when Allison describes all your past relationships in one video... I need her book
😂Everything she said was so truthful. If they had something like an hour episode of her just explain it, including their questions, it would make more sense. Really it relates back to wait they were saying at the beginning. Allison can see the end of her friends relationships before they do, and maybe they didn't understand at the time but in the end, they realized she was right. I don't know if they did that on purpose or not🤔.
This was actually so helpful! I recently had to breakup with someone I really, really liked because I was embarrassed by how she was treating me. I didn't have the words for how I felt before watching this, tho, so thank you!
such a serious ep. v informative. interesting.
the way Allison explain such a deep, complex advice in such easy day-to-day languange prove that she is a genius.
Where can I pre-order?
I usually agree with Gaby, but she's off on this one. This isn't about societal norms. If you feel embarrassed to be with someone, you then are a part of the norms and its not going to work out for you till you open up.
I would definitely read Allison's book. Also, you guys should start a blog to talk about these things more in depth because I would read the shit out of that. You guys are hilarious.
This one was kinda serious, so I'll say something serious. I get what Gabby means. People can be assholes and they might rally against someone just for being different. But Allison's point seems to be "My partner is in the wrong here, so I hope this doesn't come up".
To be blunt, Gabby is taking about a conservative family making you feel shame for your homosexual partner. Allison is talking about "I hope no one discovers my partner doesn't have a job and just bums around the house all day eating Snickers". In Allison's example, her partner is doing something wrong from her point of view, against her own values. The point of "The Mall" is that you have to show and get behind your partners attitude. After all, you are the one that loves them despite it, right?
I want that book now! I am amazed by this advice and I feel like those three questions are important in trying to understand how your partner feels towards you too
i think i can get where Gaby is coming from. everyone handles relationships differently but the way Allison was talking about these rules sounds transactional and inflexible to an extent. i think every relationship is different and also not everyones end goal is marriage... which Allison also doesnt mention. i know you cant cover everything in one video, but i feel you Gaby!
I think this episode is my favorite/most helpful episode yet. Keep it up you guys :)
Also, I have a friend in an unhealthy relationship, she's been with him over a year and on a few occasions during fights he's gotten physical. She comes over and vents to me after but within a few days she no longer considers leaving him and acts like everything is fine. He's extremely controlling and she's very emotionally dependent on him. Her other friends have become distant as she doesn't listen to their advice and isn't allowed to hangout except when he's working... I've had many heart to hearts with her but I can't convince her that her life would be better without him.
Anyone have any ideas of what I should do? I have related her relationship to one in my past but her situation is worse. He's slammed her into walls, choked her, and one time pinched her hard enough to leave a purple bruise the size of a quarter 😤 That one I found out by asking, she didn't even tell me. This is how I know more is happening than she tells me.
You could ask her what she would tell a friend if they told her
those stories. How would it make her feel? What would be her advice to
her friend?
You could advise her to find help with a therapist. There might also be a special organization to help victims of domestic violence. It seems that she doesnt have enough self esteem right now to prioritise protecting herself from her abusive "partner".
And also: It is important that you take care of yourself. You are not a professional and you have to know the limits of what you can take. It is hard on you too.
Even with the help of a psychologist or psychiatrist it can still be hard to get out of an abusive relationship, and many people will find (or be found by) another abuser after that. It is difficult to break that pattern, because for some people abuse is all they have known since childhood.
Ask her to seek some form of help. Even if she's only willing to do it to take some responsibility off of you, it might help (both of you).
animallover> your friend is in danger, but I think you already know that. And yes, she needs professional help to break her submission to this violent abuser, but first of all, she needs to get away from him. I mean *no contact what-so-ever!*
You might want to contact the nearest battered women's shelter in your area, speak to a counselor there, then see if you can arrange a meeting between the counselor and your friend. Talking with a professional might help your friend to realize the dangerous situation she is in and that she needs to takes appropriate measures to secure her physical safety.
Time is not on her side, unfortunately, and while only she can break the emotional hold he has on her, maybe you can show her a way forward, out of her abusive spiral. And Jasmin T is right....take care of yourself; guard your own safety too.
Good luck.
It's so rare that both Allison and Gaby are deeply serious in advices. This video got sooo real